No Pink Turkeys

My attempt at yoga

2012-09-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently became a certified yoga instructor and to show my support I thought I'd try yoga.

Never having done it before though I was nervous and called the local studio to get clarification. See I think those yoga pants would look funny on me...

So I called and a nice receptionist answered the phone

me: "I was thinking about taking a yoga class, but I'm worried about having to wear yoga pants"
receptionsit: "Yes well they are optional if you are uncomfortable wearing them."
me: "Oh, great thanks."

And I thought I was fine and I confidently went to the studio....

Then I realized that though you don't need to wear yoga pants, you do need to wear, something. I go to court Thursday.

Compliments.... sort of

2012-07-10T18:17:00.005-07:00

Did you ever get a compliment and feel all good about yourself and then like a second later you said "Wait, what?"

Yeah me too. The top five compliments that should make you go Hmmm..

5.Those cookies were great, did you buy them yourself?
4.Nice tooth.
3. I like that shirt, does your grandmother know you borrowed it?
2. Your hair looks good, where did you get it?

and of course the number one compliment that should make you go Hmmmm

Nice ass..... and a half.

Ancient Aliens

2011-12-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

I really don't know why I watch this stupid show, other than it makes me laugh. Actually it pisses me off with some of their silly theories. My latest thoughts....

1. Ancient Aliens came out here to mate with our woman? OK like it's not bad enough we have losers buying brides from Russia or Thailand, (no judgement, but if you want to meet a Thai or Russian women, go there and meet them..). But now we think aliens, who by the way can build space craft and fly trillions of miles, but can't get laid on their own planet? Really?

2. All of the things you can only see from the sky are landmarks so they know where to land their spaceships? Uhm, so they can find our planet across trillions of miles or empty space, but then they need us to build them a pile of rocks in a straight line to know where to go? I mean WTF, no GPS? When I took flying lessons they taught us to look for things like, oh mountains and lakes, and I managed to find my way back home, and I sure as hell can't build a spaceship.

3. Some old dead guys had this piece of metal that "almost exactly" matches the orbit of these three stars called Sirius A, B and C. This is proof that they must have had some secret knowledge that we just learned about. Aren't there like more stars than we can count? No chance it could be a friggig coincidence right? Or that we measured wrong, since they three stars are like 8 million light years away. (That a long way in case you didn't know that).

Halloween Birthdays

2011-10-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know my sisters' birthday is coming up this week. As a Halloween baby we were always a little scared of her, you know since she could be part vampire, werewolf or demon.

Now just because you were born this time of year, doesn't mean you are Satan's spawn. I mean you very well may be, but being born near Halloween doesn't prove it.

And in case you were worried, here are the top ten ways to tell...

10. Your teeth are incredibly sharp, for no real reason

9. Your favorite outfit involves a cape

8. Instead of birthday cake, you crave human flesh, or raw meat

7. Every year on your birthday list is the latest model of coffin

6. You screamed like Frankenstein's monster when you saw your first birthday cake with candles on it.

5.Your eyes glow red, even when you're sleeping

4. When you started walking to school, you learned to cross the street to avoid walking past the church

3. You love to go camping, in the cemetery

2. You're favorite Saturday morning show isn't Scooby Doo, It's a Tivo version of Texas Chainsaw Masacre

1. When asked what your favorite color is, instead of blue or pink you reply in a guttural voice "I like red, dark red like the color that comes out of a persons veins as they gasp for their last breath". Ok dude that's just messed up coming from a 4 year old...

Preventative maintenance

2011-09-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

OK if you know me, and by now you probably do, then you know "preventative maintenance" is one of those things you do when you have extra money you need to spend. Sort of like "working out" is what you do when you have absolutely nothing else to do.

But this past weekend my "low tire pressure"light came on. So I looked at the tires and none of them looked any flatter than any other one so I drove to the local gas station (which is ~15 miles away) and pulled up to the air pump.

Air used to be free, but apparently now they charge a buck for it. Really a frigging dollar, what the hell? So I put my 4 quarters in and the proceeded to fill my tires. Of course though I can read the legal disclaimer, the size tire and even the brand, no where do they have how much air to put in the damn thing.

So after my 3 minutes of free air was up. I decided to look in the manual. I remember that one came with the car and since I've never opened it, figured it must be in the glove box.

By they way why do they call it a glove box? I mean maybe a pair of Florida gloves would fit in their, but in Maine gloves are designed to keep you from losing a finger. They are big and bulky and have no chance of fitting in the little compartment there, but I digress.

Sure enough in the manual it told me to put in 38 pounds of air pressure, or 35, but probably 38. I went with 38. That of course cost me another dollar....

The good news is I was getting 42mpg in my Jetta TDI which for you poor bastards driving an Escalade sounds like a made up number, but for us TDI owners is actually not great. Now after putting in the correct amount of air, is back up to almost 45. Hopefully I can make up my $2 for air in a few weeks...

What a proud day to be a US politician

2011-08-06T17:45:00.001-07:00

As if the fiasco of the last few weeks wasn't enough of an embarrassment, now S&P downgrades us to AA+. OK not a bad credit rating, and S&P is hardly reputable I mean didn't they tell us all to invest in mortgage backed securities a few years ago?

Now China is offering us financial advice. Now China makes some kick ass chicken and other food, but when they need to tell us to live within our means that's just another kick in the balls...

But on the plus side there are some good things that came out of this

10. The canadian coins I've been saving will finally be worth something.
9. I've been dreading having to call Bank of America to refinance since it goes to some indian dude that doesn't speak english.
8. At least at Thanksgiving we won't have to have a family argument over which political party is to blame, clearly they both are.
7. It's been so hard for late night comics to have something to laugh at, this makes it much easier.
6. At least now that the USPS finally admits they can't pay the government, they have something to blame it on besides incompetence.
5. Just think when noone has money for food the government will finally have done something about all the fat kids we have.
4. Well when interest rates are 18% again, we'll spend less time bitching about the $4 a gallon for gas.
3. Hey now all of Europe gets to laugh at our crappy economy instead of worrying about theirs.
2. And we were all worried about social security not having money to pay retirement, heck we'll be lucky to still be alive by then.
1. I always wanted to live off of the land, soon I will be

Good thing we caught these thugs

2011-06-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-06-02/news/os-homeless-feedings-arrests-20110601_1_group-feedings-feedings-in-public-parks-orlando-police

Wow good thing the Orlando cops got these guys. That's how it starts, first you are helping feed the homeless, next thing you know you start treating them like humans, holding doors for people etc. It never ends.

WTF. Really? I mean don't they have any real work to do down there. Maybe catch a drug dealer, or murderer instead of harassing good Samaritans... What has this place come to? I mean we can feed pigeons in the parks but not other people?

Phrases you should know before you travel

2011-04-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

I am going to puerto rico next week for work. I'm pretty excited since I've never been there. I'm a big believer that when you travel. you should know some basic phrases in the local language. Of course things like "What time is it", "Where is the bathroom" and "How did I get here" are obvious but there are some less obvious ones you should know as well.

When you get these translated, you should ask multiple people to do it so you can compare and be certain that they are translated properly. I once had a friend translate for me, but I think she confused "Excuse me miss, is that chair taken?" to "Please kick me in the testicles". Fool me once.....

Ok the list of phrases to know...

1. Don't tase me bro.
I mean if that dumb ass from the US can make money being an idiot on youtube. I might as well be ready in case I get my chance too.

2. That goat just urinated in your drink.
Really want to make sure I can translate this before I take a sip.

3. You are already fat, and don't need desert.
What can I say I like to help people.

4. Let's hang this white guy by his testicles and use him for a pinata.
OK I doubt I'll ever speak this, but if anyone around me uses this phrase I really
want to know so I can get the hell out of there.

5. It wasn't me officer.
Always deny first...

6. Where is my change, asshole?
Just like NYC there are crooks everywhere

7. No, I am not Charlie Sheen.
I hate when I get mistaken for him. The last thing I need is a bill for an eight ball of coke and 3 hookers on my hotel bill. Accounts payable watches my expense reports close enough as is.

8. Will you marry me, you know, for the weekend?

9. Please stop kicking me in the testicles.
Wish I had known that one before

10. Holy shit that dude behind you has a machete.
That SOB in the hockey mask, Jason might be on vacation at the same time.

11. Put down the voodoo doll.
You know how those Caribbean islands are.

12. Your pants are unzipped.
I hate when this happens.

13. Why is that smoking.

14. Is that the fire alarm?
Just in case the loud wailing and all the people running away don't give it away.

15. No that is not my bag.
Useful for airport security

16. Can we just forget this, for say $50 US dollars, not that fake money you normally use down here.
If you are bribing someone make it wotrh their time. I mean 50 pesos isn't that like $.02 and really after reading this far do you think two cents is worth anything?

Fishing season

2011-03-30T04:29:00.001-07:00

A lot of my friends love to go fishing. Me? I never really got the fishing bug. My father and I would go fishing every now and then, but we never seemed to catch anything. We would go out in his boat for hours and not even get a bite. It was good quality time and I'm not complaining but I also just assumed we sucked at fishing.

There were times I'd reel the line in just to make sure we remembered to put hooks on. It was that bad. I even bought him a fish finder for Christmas one year thinking that would help. It didn't.

He passed away a number of years ago now, (has it really been over 5 years?) and as part of his eulogy I shared some of our fishing experiences. When I said how I had to check to make sure that we had put hooks on the line I looked up and one of his old friends started laughing to himself.

After the funeral he caught up with me.

He told me, "Me and your dad used to go fishing too and I always thought the same as you. Wow this guy has the worst luck fishing, until one day as we were hooking the boat back up he said 'another perfect day of fishing, nothing to cook, nothing to clean'. In fact your father was great at fishing, he managed to avoid all of them".

I guess it's a matter of perspective...

Hey Fatso

2011-02-23T04:29:00.000-08:00

So 1 out of 5 4 year olds are already obese...
17 percent of people aged 2-19 in the United States are obese...
10 percent of kids aged 2-5 are obese...
Now somethiing like half of our pets are fat too.

And the government is no real help either. I mean sure they outlawed trans fat in NYC and some other major cities, but is that really up to the goevernment and does that suddenly mean you can eat whatever you want?

Probbaly not. Frankly the fact that the government is trying to help usually means it's going to get worse, and cost us more in taxes to make it so.

What's needed is a diet that people can stick on, not rules outlawing things we like. I mean didn't we learn from prohibition and the drug wars? I really don't need to have Mexican French Fry Lords pushing the good tasting trans fat. (No offense to Mexico, Mexican drug lords, or any drug lords for that matter).

Luckily you can now get the last diet you will ever need, yup The Casselberry Diet" is now available on cafepress. For only $8.99 you can learn how to make your body healthy, save on oil and reduce greenhouse gases. It'll be on kindle too soon, just not quite yet.

And let's be honest with all that crazy shit going on in the mid-east we aren't going to have oil much longer, so we might was well reduce our usage of it while we can....

New years resolutions

2011-02-07T10:32:00.001-08:00

Yeah I know it's February and most people make their resolution on 1/1 instead of waiting a month, maybe not procrastinating should be my 2011 resolution. It's not.

No I've been watching the History channel lately and while I think it's at best a joke that they call some of this crap documentary and pretend that there is some semblance of journalism or science in it, it did get me thinking. Thinking "Where's that damn remote" but still thinking.

The show the drives me nuts the most is the "ancient alien" crap. The premise is that the pyramids were made by these cool aliens apparently here to help us, though I think they were just on a bender and messing with us. Apparently since no one can figure out how to stack rocks the same way that aliens must be behind them all.

Then they explain how since on cave walls sometimes they have circles, "That clearly means that they saw UFO's" Really, that was a quote. Clearly?? What a jack ass. I mean maybe it was a patent app for the wheel. Maybe the guy just liked circles, but no "Clearly a UFO". Idiots...

Anyway when they were showing that cave picture I noticed that many times the people in the drawing had their arms straight out, much like the zombies in a Scooby Doo cartoon, so I think that based on this and the fact that the Mayans were too lazy to finish he calendar past 2012 that the world will end next year because of a zombie attack. Yeah that's the other show, the world will end in 2012 because the calendar ran out. Uhm anyone remember y2k? Maybe all the Mayans figured "Screw it, we won't be around in 2012 let someone else make the next damn calendar".

So my resolution for 2011 is to prepare for the zombie attack. A few items I have thought about are.

1. Learn to hotwire a car. It sure would piss me off to be surrounded by a gang of undead and not be able to find the keys....
2. Get some good weapons. Swords, machetes and a slingshot sound good and don't need ammo.
3. Find a good place to hide. I had thought an island would be safe but someone mentioned zombies can walk on the seabed since they don't drown. Hmmmm. Need to put some more thought in this one.
4. Learn how to grow my own food, and preserve it.
5. Learn how to make biodiesel out of corn. I can't imagine with everyone dead there will be that much french fry oil left kicking around.
6. I probably should take a first aid kit and find a medical book. It would suck to survive all the zombies only to die from an infection or something.
7. I need to learn how to make medicine, or find some indian dude that can point me to the plants that won't kill me.
8. Go somewhere warm. I'm thinking the oil guy won't be delivering once the zombies attack.
9. Learn how to blow shit up. Preferably not mine, but being able to rig up some sives to fry some undead would be a good skill to have.
10. Come up with a tenth one since a top ten list is way cooler than a top nine one....

If anyone has any other ideas please let me know. Clock's ticking dude....

TIps for the TSA

2010-11-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

1. Need to be clearer on what you mean. When the ticket counter said “They will check your bag at security” I sort of thought they meant my luggage
2. I think it’s not so much them doing the pat down as much as the “hotness” of the agent doing it. Frankly if Eva Longoria did the checks, I’d fly every day, twice….
3. It would help if they would stop posting videos of people being scanned on youtube. Or if you do just call it porn like everyone else does.
4. Maybe they could hire the out of work hookers and porn stars, at least then we could get a happy ending when we are done.
5. Getting felt up with the back of the hand really isn’t any better, in fact it’s worse, just do it right and call it what it is.
6. Throwing in dinner wouldn’t hurt
7. Maybe we’d believe it was for security if you occasionally caught someone from the press smuggling shit on the plane as a test.
8. Stop hiring sex offenders. OK I know you haven’t gotten caught with this yet, but you know it’s going to happen. Just throwing it out there now.

The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you

2010-11-02T05:25:00.001-07:00

The top ten ways to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you.

10. You woke up in a pentagram surrounded by dead chickens and smell brimstsone.
9. You find yourself in the Arizona desert with a chewed arm handcuffed to you.
8. You realize you are in an alley surrounded by bad guys with knives and you are wearing a cape and a pair of tights.
7. When you wake up you have a Ninja sword in your hand and what looks like a scene from “Kill Bill” in your living room
6. The last thing you remember was doing shots with a Brazilian swimsuit model on Thursday. Now it’s Wednesday, you are in a hotel room in Costa Rica and you are missing a kidney
5. You come to in jail talking to some crazy guy. It takes you 25 minutes to realize that’s a mirror.
4. You have to post a picture of a roadsign on facebook asking if anyone knows where this is. Or even what language it is.
3. You wake up in Vegas next to stripper called Trixie. When you ask her last name she smiles and says “You tell me”
2. You started doing tequila shots in Rhode Island, now you’re hanging from a hook in an Amsterdam show window wearing a straight jacket, ball gag and a sign that says “For Rent” hanging from your testicles
But the number one way to tell if your Halloween weekend is going to come back and haunt you
You wake up next to Capri Anderson and you’re wearing Charlie Sheen’s watch.

More dating advice

2010-10-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

Talking to a few of my guys at work and one of them made the comment that I'm always hanging out talking to the most attractive women at work. Actually I talk to everyone but apparently they don't notice that and I didn't really feel the need to point that out. I'm sure that says something about my character, and I'm sure most of you have a theory on that. Certainly that whack job, court mandated therapist of mine does.

I decided to share some of my wisdom to help them out. Not sure why people actually ask me, or read these. I mean frankly I make most of this shit up, but hey whatever.

Really I think cavemen had it right. Frankly men think too much nowadays, which is funny when you think about all the stupid things we do. Years ago, if you saw something you wanted you walked up and got it. That included women. I'm not suggesting walking up to a girl in the bar and throwing her over your shoulder is the right approach (especially with my bad back now) but at least it is direct. It's bold. It's daring.

Now men over analyze everything. "What if she says no?", "What if I Say something stupid?" "What if I think she's stupid?" "What if my fly is down?" OK that last one you should probably check for, but the rest are you being overly worried.

If you see a woman and you want to go talk to her, go talk to her.

The top five pickup lines ever are
5. Hi
4. Hey
3. can you hand me that beer?
2. I think you puked on my shoes
1. sorry I puked on your shoes.

OK I made up the last three, I mean how the hell do I know, but I'm sure Hi and Hey must be on that list.

Now sometimes women will turn you down the first time. I recommend the three strike rule. If she turns you down 3 times, forget it; she aint interested. Or when the cops* show up, whichever comes first.

*If she is a cop when she beats your brains in with the butt of her pistol is a good time to stop. Of course you will probably be unconscious at this point anyway.

Two real world examples (for the record not mine - I'm just saying)

1.
Man: "Hi"
Woman: "I'm married"
Man: "Hey that's cool. Happily?"

Now I'm not sure how this converstation continued, but 30 minutes later they were making out on the dance floor so I'm assuming it wasn't happily..

2.
man: "Wanna dance?"
Woman: "No thanks"
man: "I guess a quickie out back's out of the question then"
woman: "No that sounds good, I just hate to dance"

Go figure.

How women work Part 1

2010-09-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

Women are a lot more complicated than men are. It's true they are. All this time I thought they were full of crap, go figure...

Many guys have a hard time figuring women out. Actually they are quite easy to understand. Their thoughts are entirely based on a complex magic 8 ball like device in their heads. Their thoughts are completely random which is why trying to figure them out has been difficult.

At ELMU we are working to map all of these thoughts in an easy to understand list. Unfortunately this is comparable to mapping the human genome, and frankly we spend a lot of time drinking beer so it could take a while, but to get you started here are some of the things we figured out.

A normal woman's main ball contains things like:
I love you
I hate you
I have a headache
I'm tired
I told you so
I can’t believe you did that
I can't believe you didn't do that
I can't believe you forgot
Oh my God, you remembered.
I'm sorry
Do you love me

To make matters worse they have different eight balls depending on what they are doing, or what time of the month it is. During their menstrual period * the normal responses get replaced with

I hate you
Idiot
You're a pig
Bastard
Asshole
bite me
go to hell
I love you
I'm sorry.... that I ever met you, you piece of shit

*For some women the menstrual period can extend up to three weeks before and after this period. We call them bitchy.

Most women have a special ball that gets used in the vehicle. It contains thoughts like:

You are driving too slow
Look out
Do you know where you're going
Are we lost
Watch the road not that bimbo walking down the street you pig
Idiot
Bastard
Why don;t you just ask for directions
Pull over
Your car smells

If you think about it, this theory explains a lot. For example is you are talking to a blonde, she probably at some point will shake her had in a typical "I don't know" fashion then suddenly have a thought. She had a stuck ball and shaking her head cleared it.

WARNING: Do not attempt to change a woman's mind by shaking her head. It will probably work, but is likely to piss her off....

The universal theory of women and men

2010-09-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

After loads of in depth research at ELMU I've finally figured out how women work. I've figured out men to, but frankly men aren't that hard to figure out. I mean men are either driven by food, or sex. Figuring out which is important but very easy.

To test cook a great meal for your guy, if you can't cook you can get take-out. You probably shouldn't do this in a restaurant, unless you are in Vegas, every thing's fair game there. If you own a restaurant you can probably do this there, but it should be after closing when it's empty. Of course if you can't cook why the hell would you own a restaurant, but that's a different topic.

Ok have a great meal all laid out and invite him over. When you open the door though you should be wearing either absolutely nothing, or some sexy lingerie. Generally go to a lingerie store, find something that makes you say "What a slutty outfit". Get that one...

When he comes in one or two things will happen. If he sits down, eats the entire meal, burps then looks you up and down and says "What the hell happened to you?" or "Any desert?" he's a food guy. If he walks in, picks you up with one arm while moving everything off of the table with the other to make room for you, he's a sex guy.

There are two other cases, but they are pretty rare. If he grabs a plate of food, the remote and does you on the couch while watching TV and eating chicken wings, he's a multitasker. Don't panic. You can work with this.

If he walks in and says "Do you have an XBOX, or Playstation", then he's broken. You can't fix him, send him back. That's why he's 45 and still lives in his parents basement. Move on.

Once you figure out if he's motivated by food or sex, to train him simply go to any bookstore and get any dog training book. They work exactly the same way.

You may be a little worried if he is sex motivated and you are, for example, trying to train him to open the door for you. I mean you can't really do him in the mall if he holds the door, you know unless you are in Vegas, but no worries. You see man are pretty simple, much like alligators, they have no real memory. All you need to do is say something provocative when he opens the door like "Thanks baby. I am so going to make that up to you tonight" and smile and wink. He'll still make the association that holding the door gets sex.

Part II How women work is next up....

Paris the coke addict?

2010-08-31T12:27:00.000-07:00

OK I know people are innocent until proven guilty but I sort of think in the recent Paris Hilton case a better saying is "stupid is as stupid does".

I'm sorry but if I'm going to carry around a gram of coke in my pocket the last thing in the world I would do in front of a cop is take ANYTHING out of my pockets for fear of it being seen. I don;t carry around a man purse, but I'm pretty sure if I did the same rule would apply.

I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well it's not Paris' fault. She's blonde". To you I say that's, uhm, well not sexist, not racist, hairist?

I mean some of my best friends are blondes. One in particular was explaining to me that blondes really aren't stupid.

"OMG Rich, like, blondes are just as smart as other people. In fact 85% of blondes are just am smart as other people with hair colors. The other 25% are just misunderstood".

Uhm OK thanks for clearing that up. :)

Fuel mileage tips

2010-07-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

I was pretty psyched to get 50+ MPG the other day and I know some of you asked me for some of my mileage tips, so here are the top ten tips for driving that get you better mileage…

1. AC hurts gas mileage, open windows hurt gas mileage, doing both is just stupid.
2. Coast to a stop light when it’s yellow or red. Running it will save gas, but the cost of the ticket will be enough to make you wish you had just stopped for it.
3. If someone cuts you off you lose momentum and thus get worse gas mileage. The best you can do is flip them off and chase them down until you can get them back. It won’t help your fuel mileage, or Karma, but you’ll probably feel better, unless of course they pull out a gun and kill you.
4. Start off slow from a stop. This is actually quite hard when some asshole is beside you revving the engine though.
5. You can’t get good mileage listening to “Hair Nation” or “The Boneyard”, but hey “Rock On”
6. I know you may think you are Johnny Q. Rapper, but more “Junk in the trunk” hurts fuel mileage. Take all that crap out of the car, and let’s be honest, laying off the donuts wouldn’t hurt you either fatty… (For more diet tips ask me about “The Casselberry Diet”)
7. Overinflating your tires can help your fuel mileage since less tire surface on the road means you can coast more. It also means you can’t turn very good, chose your poison, good mileage or staying on the road.
8. Drafting behind a large truck can help gain some MPG’s too, at least the “Mythbusters” say it does. I’m a big fan of grappling hooks instead. This way you get good mileage and don’t need to steer. Of course you have to make sure you hook on to someone going the right way. Last time I tried it I ended up in Ohio and no one wants to go there….
9. Braking hurts mileage. If possible coast to a near stop. Don’t be stupid though if you need to use them, use them.
10. I know you may think all those extra belts under the hood probably put more drag on the engine and removing them may seem like a good idea, but some of them go to wicked important things like water pumps, alternators or other mechanical crap that you really need. Unless you know what they hell you are doing stay out of the hood. (Same thing if you live in Roxbury by the way)…

Let it go

2010-06-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

As much as some things get under our skin, there is always a time to let it go and realize it just doesn’t matter anymore. For some it is a past love, for others a road not taken, for my Grandmother it was something else entirely.

My father and stepmother got a cute little dog named Andy. He was a toy Pomeranian, basically a little ball of fuzz that sort of acted like a dog.

My step mom saw it in the pet store and fell in love. She decided on the spot that my father needed a dog.

I happened to be visiting my grandmother and mentioned this dog to her and commented how cute Andy was.

My grandmother at the time was in her 80’s. She was a nurse for a long time, lived on a farm in Pennsylvania and was a very down to earth person. I expected her to make a comment along the lines of “yes he is cute, but not very practical”, so I was surprised when she came out with “I hate that damn dog”.

“How can you hate Andy? He’s a little fuzz ball and just runs around playing with toys. He doesn’t bite, he’s house trained, what’s up”? I asked.

“I hate all those damn dogs like that” she snapped back.

“OK. I’ll bite. Why?” I asked, knowing there was a good story to go along with this. She was 80, and always had good stories.

“Well when we were kids, we were one of the first people in town to have a car. My father loved that car and we would always drive around town in it. We had a dog like that Andy, called Sparky and when Pa drove the car Sparky got to sit in the front seat and all us kids had to sit in the rumble seat in the back”.

“For crying out loud Gram that was 70 years ago, time to let it go”. I laughed.

She didn’t listen of course and went to her grave hating Pomeranians but what the heck I guess when I’m 80 I can be set in my ways too.

Has it really been 2 months since I posted something???

2010-06-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

OK. So I have two interns that just graduated, and being my usual helpful self, I thought I should share some of my hard earned wisdom. So here are the

Ten things I wish someone had told me when I graduated.....

10. It is better to get fired for doing something than for doing nothing

9. There are no extremes things can always get better and worse

8. Always ask out the beautiful girl. The worst case is she says no in which case you are no worse off than before, unless of course you get nervous and wet yourself in front of the whole class and everyone starts calling you "piddle pants", but that's usually pretty rare.....

7. The odds of doing something you see done on television is very low

6. Never invest more than you can afford to lose

5. You don't have to be faster than the zombies just faster than the guy behind you

4. Don't lick a frozen metal pole even if they triple dog dare ya...

3. It is much easier to be sober and pretend to be drunk than it is to be drunk trying to pretend to be sober

2. Car surfing is always a bad idea

1. An ab belt will not replace exercise but if you try it, record it and post it to youtube for the rest of us to laugh it. All that laughing may help our abs....

PS (Special thanks to Scotty M for doing at least 1/3 of the stupid things on this list)

Investment opportunities

2010-03-26T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I am usually not very serious on this, but this time I am.

I have two investment opportunities for people, and while I'm not suggesting you take advice from a facebook post or the internet in general, they are interesting and you should do your own due diligence.

OK The first one is a Boston data center company. They are very close to profitable, in fact they have existing customers already in and more on the way that get them to monthly positive cash flow. They are still looking for investors (and customers) so if you know anyone let me know and I can fill you in.

If high tech isn't your thing, I also got an email from Captain Carl Fismer, or Fizz, one of my fathers old treasure hunting buddies, looking to sell off a chunk of the "Taj Mahal treasure" which Arthur C Clark actually found back before he wrote 2001 a space odyssey. He is selling this for 150k, and it includes a large clump of coins, plus 350 loose ones. The loose ones can probably be sold for $175k which means you get the clump for free. If you are interested in this one I'd be glad to put you in touch with Fizz. Again, do your own due diligence, but since Fizz is the leading expert on this treasure and it was recently shown on Pawn Stars, I'm sure this is legit. There are actually only three pieces of the treasure, one is in the Smithsonian, one in Arthur C Clarks museum and this one. This is the only one for sale.

If you want any more details shoot me an email or leave a comment.

I should know better but....

2010-03-10T16:57:00.001-08:00

I should know better but sometimes I still say something stupid. One of my friends at work has been real sick the last few days and she finally came into work. Notice I didn’t say she worked, but she came in so I’ll give credit where it’s due. I was talking to her and she sounded awful, before I could think to stop myself I said “Wow you sound like crap”. Clearly I set myself up for her reply which was
“Really, do you want to comment on how I look too?”

Now I’m not sure there is a correct response for this. I think the best you can hope for is that she is medicated enough to forget you were there, or at least think it was someone else. If you stick to that story you may have a chance.

I do however know many wrong responses including

1. “I figured you had enough children screaming when they saw you that I didn’t need to comment”
2. “Actually I like the ancient greek look, medusa is it?”
3. Just smiling and saying nothing doesn’t work either…
4. “No I figured you just had a long day, as a stand-in for zombieland”
5. “Really I thought you normally look like this”
6. “No, hablo Inglés hablo español” This may work, if she doesn’t speak Spanish. If she does you’re screwed.
7. When a woman is sick it is never the time to try a line such as “Hey baby, want to use my thermometer”, actually you should never try that line anyway…

Child raising tips....

2010-03-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

Many people have suggested that since I don't have children, I may not be the best one to give advice on raising them. Now there is some logic to that, but I point out to obvious flaws.

1. While I am not aware of any children, the reality is there could be little me's running around that I am unaware of.

And
2. I was once a child myself and am still very immature....

So there.

That said here are the top nine. I'm sure there is another one, but it's Friday afternoon and it's been a long week....

9. Don’t be afraid to medicate your kids if they won't settle down, I mean why else would they have "Children's Benadryl"?

8. You can't put them in a small dog crate. Use a big one

7. Teach them the value of a dollar. That way they are more likely to stop spending yours and more likely to pick up that quarter

6. If you have them in sports and don't keep score they will learn math. Kids always keep score. Adults are the ones that hate to lose

5. Sharing is one of those must learn early lessons, otherwise you will always have to pay for your halloween candy

4. Children should have chores to earn their allowance not for any real lesson but they are the cheapest legal labor you will find

3. If you teach them they can do anything too soon they will quickly figure out they can outsmart you

2. Silence is your friend. Ask if they want to admit and then wait. They'll sing like a rabid parakeet

But the number one tip is
Teaching your child how to swim by throwing them off the dock and into the water can backfire, especially if you don't look for cops first.

Scary valentines dates

2010-02-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

OK so this weekend is Valentines Day and while I think having a first date on Valenetines is stupid and would just cause mroe stress than it needs, many people will do it anyway. Just think how much better life would be if people just listened to me more.... but I digress.

If you find yourself on a date and something seems off, you could be right. So here are a few tips to tell if your date is going to turn into a horror show...

For women
1. He picks you up in a hearse
2. He threatened to tear the waiters throat out with his teeth if he walks by with one more garlic dish
3. Stephen King is the valet, even creepier, he recognizes your date
4. The necklace he bought you is in the shape of a skull
5. The flowers he brings you die when you touch them
6. He takes you back to his place and it is next to a cemetery
7. He orders his steak raw, not rare, raw.
8. He has a hockey mask and a machete in the back seat of his car
9. He says “I’ve been dying to meet you” (OK I know this one sucks....)

For men
1. You try to hold her hand and pull her arm off
2. She orders her meal with an extra knife… for later
3. She didn’t spend any time looking in the mirror while getting ready
4. When you look into her eyes, they glow red
5. Suddenly she speaks fluid Latin
6. Her head spins all the way around and she can vomit 5 feet
7. Her dress is made from human flesh
8. She asks for a hair from you and puts it in her purse. As she opens it though you see a doll that looks like you
9. She has a 666 tattoo on her lower back

Ski phrases that really aren't dirty

2010-01-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

http://nopinkturkeys.blogspot.com for more words of wisdom...

I spent the day skiing on Sunday. Oh sure I'm a little stiff (ahem), but I had a great time. Now when skiing you can hear some phrases that could sound a little dirty. To avoid any embarrassing surprises on the slopes, here are some phrases that are perfectly innocent.

10. "Grab my pole." Many times when someone is learning to ski, they may need help to slow down or stop. Since most skiers don’t carry rope, using a ski pole makes perfect sense.
9. "It will help if you spread your legs a little more". New skiers typically do the snow plow where the tips of the skis are pointed in towards each other. If your legs are too close the tips can cross and you can fall on your face.
8. "Can you help me get up?" Many new skiers have a hard time standing up and having someone either hold your skis or lend a helpful arm can help a lot
7. "Now lean back and enjoy the ride". Leaning too far forward on your skis can cause you to lose control, leaning back a little helps you turn better.
6. "It's cold on top but it gets warmer the lower you go." Yes, many things are warmer down lower, this includes ski mountains too....
5. "This may be a hard and rough ride" Many trails are bumpy and it can make for a difficult run....
4. "We're only two so we need another to make a threesome" probably not what you are thinking, but on a triple chair a couple often times gets paired with a lone rider to fill the chair.
3. "We better get out of these wet clothes". Well this one very well may be provocative, but having a set of sweat pants for the ride home is a good idea. Your ski clothes are likely to get covered in snow so changing into something warm and dry can help.
2. "Are you ready to go down?" Oh sure, many guys have tried this line at a bar too, it doesn’t work there, but on the ski slopes this probably just means are you ready for another run down the mountain.

"It may be tight but it's OK just slip it in, it will loosen up." Boots guys, boots. Ski boots are made to be snug and sometimes a little tight until your foot gets all the way in.