No Thing of Ham

Ham Quest II

2010-09-30T05:20:00.002+01:00

After suffering a terrible defeat by soy milk I decided to visit 2 shops this, just to make sure hippies won't claim yet another victory. Damn you, hippies! First location of exploration was a small - a large kiosk you could say - and rather charming shop. To be honest, I didn't get my hopes up of finding Ham jerky in this small boutique (pardon my French). Still, I decided to check it out for The Greater Good and the results were better than expected. As I entered the shop I noticed a clerk squatting near shelves putting goods on them. Ahh, that Ham! I quickly glanced over the shop to make sure no one was looking at me and after I enjoyed the sight of sweet sweet bubble Ham.

Having filled the creepy-o-meter I decided to stroll around the place and search for the quest item - though I may have checked the sweet Ham once or twice. Nevertheless, I located the corner where they kept chips/crisps (sigh) and for my surprise they had beef jerky but, alas, no ham jerky. I picked up one bag and when I was paying for it I grinned like an idiot while thinking of the clerk's Ham. She looked confused, but hey, she still smiled. It was a small victory but a victory I was satisfied with.

Today we visit the Muffinland

2010-09-24T19:02:00.001+01:00

I didn't continue my jerky quest today nor did I even start writing the Ham poem I've been working on in my mind, so instead, I offer you a recipe for Ham and cheese muffins I've made a few times. They are supposed to be eaten while they are warm, but I usually save them for breakfast since I never feel like cooking breakfast just after waking up.

For 12 medium sized muffins you need:

12 muffin cups
3 deciliter (1,3 cup) wheat flour
2 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
50 grams (2 ounces) smoked Ham in small pieces (I'd recommend cutting small squares out of sliced Ham)
1 deciliter (½ cup) grated cheese
1 egg
1½ deciliter (0,6 cup) milk
50 grams (2 ounces) melted butter

Why can't we all use the same system?

Heat oven 200 degrees celsius / 400 fahrenheit
Mix wheat flour, baking powder, salt, ham and grated cheese in a bowl. Bowl #1
In another bowl, mix eggs and milk. Bowl #2
Make a hole in middle of the Bowl #1 and pour the contents of Bowl #2 into it.
Mix
Divide batter evenly in muffin cups
Put them into oven (middle part) and slam the door shut. Bake around 18 minutes or until they're brown.

Ham Quest I

2010-09-23T20:36:00.001+01:00

I decided to go shopping, again, because I felt like having ice tea and ice cream (unfortunately, there was no Ham flavor available). This time I was in a bit of hurry and decided to go to a smaller super market, which incidentally was close to my house. Of course, I disregarded my limited time and embarked on my quest of finding Ham jerky. I rushed through aisles, from one to another, but alas, I could not find Ham jerky. I could not even find beef jerky! Fair enough, it is a rather small super market and there are cold cut Ham available. But still, no jerky, at all? Oh dear.

I accepted my defeat, for now, and begun making my way to registers with my ice tea (lemon) and ice cream (chocolate) in my hands. But before I reached the finishing line an abomination appears. Soy milk. They don't have jerky but they have soy milk. Questionable liquid that is - according to my knowledge - milked from genetically modified soy plants which have beaver udders. I paid for my goods and left the super market.

Today I have died a little inside

Where is my Ham jerky?

2010-09-23T13:51:00.001+01:00

Today, I was walking through the aisles of my local super market, shopping for food and beverages, but when I neared the cash registers I noticed the shelves had beef jerky. Well, that's not the only thing they have on those shelves. There are candy, gum, newspapers and pocketbooks. But beef jerky? Now, don't get me wrong, I love beef like I love all meats. I begun to wonder why there wasn't jerky made from Ham. Isn't Ham jerky worthy of being served in our super markets? I rarely eat jerky, and now that I think about it, I have never eaten Ham jerky. This must be fixed as soon as possible.

I'm aware that jerky is made from most of common meats there are, so, I will begin a quest. A quest to discover and sample different jerky meats - especially Ham.

Banana hammocks? I think not

2010-09-23T00:03:00.000+01:00

Hammocking up as The Todd adviced is highly NOT recommended. Hammocks mock the sacred idea of Ham. Ham-Mock. See? It is only mockery of Ham.

Also, some people have been concerned whether they can be men of Ham while being a part of certain religious groups who have banned the use of ham. Fear not, I say, while the ultimate expression of Ham Ham Mah-Ham-Ha-Rooza is eating Ham, one is still capable of being a follower of Ham without physically consuming Ham. This does not offend Ham. And you can revere ham in your mind or soul.

Respect Ham and Ham will respect you. Ham is forgiving. You will not become No Ham-man without greatly offending Ham, and even if you did, Ham would still forgive you.

The Beginning

2010-09-22T23:25:00.002+01:00

Nothing of Ham of No Ham-man or man of nothing without Ham? I do not know, but I fear the worst.