Nobody Likes a Jerk

Running the Sites and Writing

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 22:20:00 +0000

Welcome to hodgepodge Thursday. It's not an official thing but um kinda burned out from Tispewing a fair amount of venom, humor, and common sense during the State of the Union address the other night.
Add to that a very long day yesterday capped off by my first meeting with the DC Ragnar Relay Ambassadors. Kent and Adam arranged for the 20 or so of us to meet up over a run around the mall. I would have preferred to do it at 6am instead of 7pm but I'll deal. It's an interesting group of Ragnar veterans and we're tasked with talking up the Race and getting others to sign up. For these promotional efforts we get some gear and a free (personal) race entry. SUCKERS! I do all that anyway and without any compensation. But I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth so I'm on board. The late night train ride home though gave me time to think about the name of the program. "Ambassadors" is OK and very DC but one of the coolest things about Ragnar is the creativity in team names (like Captain Awesome and his Big Bag of Monkeys). Even the 35 or so volunteers who organized the races are called the SWAT Team (Sweaty Wet And Tired). So I think that we could come up with more "Ragnar-ing" moniker such as, "The Running Billboards" or "Ask Us About Your Running Problem". Then than maybe "Ambassador" is a little easier in the tongue. Either way it looks like this is gonna be a trip.
On to the next non-sequitur: tree graffiti...
Duke? Really? I was thinking that Maryland's athletic department could have found a different opponent for the game when they debut the new floor dedicated to former coach Gary Williams (complete with 4ft high signature) . You know, a team they have a cancellation to actually beat. Duke has a strong team this year and Maryland clearly doesn't. The ADs office knows this going in to the season, so why not choose a different home date to unavailable the tribute? Me thinks money played into this decision. The Comcast Center was packed for the game, but I contend that it would have been filled just because Duke was the opponent. They are always a solid draw at College Park. So why not beef up attendance at a game against Miami or Boston College? You'd have a packed house to honor the great coach and a most likely a win to show for it.

Freeze Off

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:06:00 +0000

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Just because the government says something, it is not an absolute truth.

I'm certainly not a conspiracy theorist nor do I question all authority, but this is just crazy.

Last night I was trying to put my kid to bed and praying he would go down quickly so I could get back to the football game. As we were reading a Dr. Seuss book (an imprint of Random House Inc, All rights reserved) I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket. Not a bad sensation, sans I had my kid on the lap, but that's a story for another day.

When he finally went to sleep I stepped out and saw a co-worker had texted to ask if our training was still on for tomorrow. Of course it is...wait, they did what?
The government's Office of Personnel Management decided that the weather would be dangerous in the morning and it would be a good idea to keep Federal workers at home for a few hours until conditions improved. Good idea. This would also reduce congestion and allow other private sector employees to get in on time and safe. Except...

The idiots that run this agency and sign off on these unilateral decisions didn't consider two very important factors.

1) almost every DC area company and school district uses the Federal Government status (via OPM) to decide what they will do in case of inclement weather. If you delay the government then everyone will follow suit. That translates to the same rush hour traffic you'd have from 7am - 9am, just now it'll run from 9am - 11am and now those commuters will be mixing with all the deliveries, service calls, and other assorted traffic on the roads after 9am. FAIL.

2) If you site frozen rain and ice covered roads as the reason for delaying the opening, then you actually have to have precipitation! When I left my house at 530am not only were the roads clear and relatively dry, there was no rain, nothing frozen, and certainly no freezing rain. FAIL.

The local forecasters are playing coy for right now which is really driving me crazy. They are only hinting that the roads aren't freezing over yet. But then again I shouldn't be surprised. See the National Weather Service (an office of the Federal Government) us in charge of issuing national forecasts and those "warnings" that flash across your TV screen and ruin your favorite show. Well if OPM is wrong they are backed up by the NWS.

This leaves a very bad taste in mouth which is unfortunate because I brushed my teeth before I left this morning. Now I have to spend my morning fielding calls and emails from my training attendees wondering if the class is starting late. Answer:NO! Take some personal responsibility and get here by 9am... We are not waiting for you.

You're Not Really Here and I Can Prove It...

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:43:00 +0000

Yup, I'm just a figure of your imagination. I'm not really here and above all, you don't see me!

Of course I know you do see me, know that I'm here and occasionally even acknowledge me. So why was I blindsided last night at the monthly meeting?

Well evidently there is a persuasive underbelly to your local volunteer Fire department so out of touch with reality that they may be watching Fox News or at least the 700 Club.

It turns out that if you work hard all day at...work. Then you spend a precious hour with your family and still find a few hours to DONATE to an organization with "VOLUNTEER" in its title, you may be brought up for voting out. Now never mind the fact that the people doing the voting (and talking) don't ride on the ambulances, and don't actually perform any dacernable task for the department, let's focus on their two main concerns.

1) they are convinced that the county government is trying to get rid of all the volunteers. First the county cut some needed funds as part of across the board cost cutting. But wait...had they not spent so much time fighting the proposed ambulance fees they would have had all the money they need. Beyond that though somebody needs to explain to me why a cash-strapped government, who is constantly trying to find ways to save money would try to (secretly) eliminate volunteers (who WORK FOR FREE) and replace them with paid employees?

2) Of the all 200 or so volunteers with the department only about 50 put in any real time and of that group there are few of us who put in consistent time. So when you get somebody (like me) who put in consistent time and actually produce something of value (organize the training for all new members), why would you want to run them off with scare tactics? I would think that when you actually get volunteers who want to work and produce quality products that you would encourage them and if they are not following "procedure" that you gently guide them back in line.

Above all what really gets me is the blind siding that took place. I was there in the meeting and all you had to do was pull me aside and say, "Look, I know you're pulling hours but you're not doing XYZ correctly. I'm going to bring it up as an example, but it's not personal." At least there I would have some cushioning...

Look if you don't want me. Fine. I'm walking...but unlike David Banner, I ain't looking back.

F-U-SOPA

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:48:00 +0000

I wanted this space to be dark (-er then usual) today to join the internet protest against the pending SOPA and PIMA legislation in Congress. But then you might just assume that I had forgotten to post or had decided not to post today. I don't want you thinking those awful thoughts about my blogging abilities.

So stop reading this post right now and go to Google and sign the petition...join the masses...give in now!

Drown the Children

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:20:00 +0000

Or at least the underperforming ones anyway. I am of course referring to the sign at my kid's swimming school (see left).

Why do you need a sign like this in the first place? Well Captain Obvious says, "signs that speak common sense are there because somebody didn't practice it."

I can just imagine a crazy parent screaming at their kid (while pounding on the 2-way glass separating the pool and the viewing area), "Damn it...you're 2 years old...get your lazy ass in gear and start swimming!" I think there would probaby be a few more explatives in there but I'm trying to keep these pages clean (sorta).

It does really worry me that we would need that kind of obvious reminder and what really must have taken place to necessitate such signage. And I get a sneaking suspicion it wasn't just one parent doing this one time. This feels like repeat offenders multiple times.

All I know is, as the Kid learns to swim, I'm going slow and letting him do just that, learn. Now when the time comes for him to start playing baseball...I can't promise the same level of restraint. Just sayin'..

We Don't Retreat...

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:35:00 +0000

We Advance.

Everybody has company retreats. You go offsite for a day or two and hash out company business and set a path for the future. And unless you own a financial stake in the company these can be painful exercises in futility where the only thing that really gets tested are the locks on the doors to the meeting room where they've got you locked inside.

One of the benefits of working for a "creative" company is that we do things a little differently then you may be used to. We also lock ourselves in a room for a full day but we call it an "advance" and work really hard to focus on where we're going as a company. The difference is that everybody has a valid opinion and we're all broken into groups to discuss things like our core values and if we're living up to them or if we need to make changes. We also discuss ways to improve the company for our employees in the coming year. Tell me a fortune 500 company that does that!

But like all meetings there were a fair share of, "Did they really just say that?". And it's my mission, as a semi-illiterate journalist to share with you the top 5:

5) We can't keep making Buggy Whips...other whips are ok though.

4) Does your "never-say-no" policy apply to me asking you for $1,000?

3) I'm a certified forklift opperator

2) I don't like this. I'm going into Banking.

and....

1) You burst my passion bubble.

Fun was had by all..until next year!

Drop This Connection...I Dare Ya!

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 17:17:00 +0000

I want to rant against a major restaurant chain but I don’t know if I want to name it because I like some of their food and may want to go back there again. Wait…that’s never stopped me before. Panera…you are in my cross-hairs.

Yesterday, I had to attend a meeting in Alexandria, first thing in the morning. A little inconvenient but not the end of the world. So I drove in and there wasn’t too much traffic. My meeting let out just before 9am and I jumped in the car, plugged in the phone, and jumped on a conference call.

Enter: The Beltway: Traffic is crazy in both directions. A 15-mile stretch of the road took me an hour to traverse. So now I’m low on gas and high on residual coffee fluid so a stop is a necessity. Back on the highway the traffic is down and I’m looking for someplace with an internet connection.

Enter: Panera on Rockville Pike in Gaithersburg. Nice place…surprisingly a lot of people for 11am. Many are typing away at laptops, including one guy who had an ad printed on the back of his screen saying that if I had problems with too many bills, I could see him. For a moment I thought about spending an hour or so screwing with him…but then I realized I needed to get some work done.

I find a table with a power outlet below…plug in and turn on the old wireless card. BOOM…I’m on the network like a rocket. I quickly get my VPN hooked up and I’m off. That was until two minutes later when my email goes down. Oh wait…it’s not my email it’s my internet connection. Ok it’s free…so I guess I can deal with it if the signal drops off now and then.

That was my attitude until the 10th time the signal dropped in 20 minutes. At first I thought maybe I was on the far end of the transmitter, but I looked up and that wasn’t the case. It was poking out of the ceiling less than 10 ft from my table. I can’t work like this. I understand that this is a free service. I get it. It’s meant as a nice perk if you come to my restaurant and buy my food and coffee. Maybe it will keep you there longer then you planed and you’ll also have some cookies to go along with your lunch. With that said..how is it that it chose me to screw over?

Was it the GPS in my phone telling you I was on my way? I’ve always been skeptical of that thing…I wouldn’t be surprised if it were talking behind my back. Look...that GPS system in the Jarred commercial can talk and react, and what about the GPS powered by Mayhem in the Allstate spots…either of those could be the demon behind my unit. It’s scary out there.

Am I Converting to Tebow-ism?

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:36:00 +0000

It's either that or I'll have to start dressing like Big Ben. So I'm probably not leaving the kids corner of the synagogue any time soon, but even I have to feel pretty good for this Tebow chap.

Look, yes he did beat the Jets this year and I'm still not over that but the guy just wins football games. How can you not like that?

His performance in yesterday's OT win vs. The Steelers was amazing. To get it done on the first play from scrimmage is unbelievable but let's look a little closer here. First, you have to give credit to Tebow for doing his job and finding the open receiver. Remember, this wasn't an 80 yard bomb, it was a 15 yard slant. So the bigger credit here goes to Demareious Thomas who not only ran a great route but caught the ball in stride and stiff armed his way to open space. The speed after that is just a given. But where would with player be without Offensive Coordinator Mike McCoy calling that play in from the sidelines?

See that's the thing, but football is about all 11 guys out there doing different things that all build up to one great thing. Tebow is certainly exciting and by now we've all been conditioned to expect some sort of amazing comeback, much in the same way we used to watch Montana or Elway march down the field with time winding down.

I also want to address Tebow's constant religious references. I do agree with many that it would be more enjoyable to see him to email it down a bit with all that "Lord and Savior" stuff, but when you look at it, how is it that different from Reggie White (who was an ordained minister in the off season) or any of the potential GOP presidential candidates who regularly reminder you that they are the best because they are not closest to the man upstairs?

And finally he wins on fashion. Last night after the game he had a button down shirt and a wool cap (tilted to the side). It's exactly what I'd expect to see on a 23 year old kid in Denver. Take Ben Roethlisberger on the other hand. He must have lost a few bets this week to done that awful get up. I'd think after a loss like that you'd only want a pair of jeans, sweatshirt and room service. These players all have agents, personal assistants, coaches, teammates, and probably a friend or two laying around the house. How does a get up like that her by all of them without so much as a, "dude... REALLY??" I know their season is over, but Pittsburgh should still fine him a few bucks for looking like a jackass.

There are certain athletes who can pull off "unique"looks. As of right now Tim had the upper hand on Ben (plus another week to sports it.)

Dear Impending Cold,

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:23:00 +0000

Either get here or go away. I don't care for the ambiguous way you are trying to work your way into my body.

It is now the third week or so of winter and we've had a fairly good relationship so far. I take my vitamins each morning and make sure to dress appropriately for the weather. Even this week, which started out frigid, I have been careful to bundle up.

Yet you linger. You make your presence just detectable with a dry scratchy throat and swollen sinuses. You are being a bit coy with an occasional cough or sneeze.

You're not fooling me. I know you're here. I haven't run since Saturday in an attempt to stop you at the gates and frankly I'm feeling miserable about missing that time.

So either get here or go away. You are robbing me of sleep, you are robbing me of exercise, and you are costing me money as I'm on my way to the store to get vitamin C and anything else I think will help. About the only thing you're good for is clearing seats on the train.

This is your official eviction notice. Either step up to the plate or get the f*#k out!

Sincerely,
The Management

Dear, why is there vomit in my mouth?

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:13:00 +0000

Maybe its because I watched more than 2 minutes of the returns from the Iowa caucus last night and the anticipation that I will have to hear more about it today.

I think my distaste is threefold.

1) The greatest democracy in the world starts its nominating process with possibly the stupidest citizens (not including the fine residents of Texas). Remind me why we honor these people who pride themselves on knowing so much about politics that when they do cast their votes, they pick the eventual party nominee less than 50 percent of the time. Not a good ratio.

Additionally, if you listen to the interviews conducted with voters yesterday, you might think that the entire state is educated in the same one room school house. A woman said that this was the most important election in her lifetime (she was in her 50's), others kept going on and on about how "we" have to "beat Obama." No, what you need to do is use that critical thinking portion of your brain that humans have developed over thousands of years and figure out which candidate's platform is closest to your own stance on important issues. And yes, if you really think that Rick 'I'm more baths*& crazy than Michelle' Santorum is that person than pick them.

However I will add that if you needed more proof that the 30,000 or so voters who cast their ballots for Santorum are dumber then dirt, The Dugger Family (yes all 19 or 4,000 of them) were out campaigning the day before for the former PA senator. Ugh!

2) Because Iowa is the only state to hold a contest on this day, the candidates can spend an inordinate amount of time and energy lying to the people because they don't have to fly across the country to pedal a different pile of steam up another state's voters that same day. Let's make it interesting. Move New Hampshire and South Carolina to the same day as Iowa. You'll have an easier time weeding out the candidates and I could get on with my life (plus watch most of the candidates hang themselves with different positions on the same topic based on their audience).

3) Get religion out of the debate. I don't care if Mormons really do believe that a spacecraft will come down and wisk them away to heaven. I also don't care how white evangelicals voted. Stop trying to spin data to fill time. Either give me the full breakdown including how Asian homosexuality Jews voted or just go to a commercial break featuring the shake weight.

Speaking off jerk offs I think The Onion got it just right when they declared the caucus winner, a 600 pound butter sculpture.

OK the vomit is mostly gone now. Good thing the last thing I ate was birthday cake... That could have been ugly!

New Resolutions, Birthdays, and Now I Need a Bath

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:30:00 +0000

That's one resolution already broken. I was going to try to run a mile a day every day this year. Then I woke up to a crying baby at 5am on New Years Day so that's not happening.

Oh well, it was totally worth it because Sunday was also his first birthday. One year ago we were rushing to the hospital (after taking a moment to enjoy a hot breakfast) and now he's still around and kicking. I know there are a few sports books in Vegas that lost out on that one.

Even though the lack of sleep and the constant attention needed around the house has caused the postings here to drop to almost nothing, I'm setting resolution #2, writing more frequently.

So with that I want to thank our wonderful friends and family for helping make Jake's first birthday so special. As you can see he really dug his first taste of chocolate and even had an (assisted) "oh no" moment as payback to a few of his friends that we've influenced over the years.

So here's to a great year for the kid and a great year of posts, thoughts, and random fits of rage on these pages.

A Festivus Rhyme For All Of You Killing Time

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:09:00 +0000

Twas the night before Festivus and all through Queens,
Not a Costanza was yelling... as strange as it seems.

The family was sleeping, just waiting for light.
Saving their strength for the upcoming fight.

At the crack of dawn on December twenty-three,
Frank put up the pole... instead of a tree.

Estelle prepared the meal that would start the rite,
Not a laugh or a smile was anywhere in sight.

George dreaded this hour that came every year,
The airing of grievances would soon be here.

Frank stood at the table and bellowed outloud,
"So who's got a complaint amongst this crowd?"

"You two are crazy and have wrecked my life!",
Cried George at his parents who mocked him for spite.
"A Lloyd Braun you'll never be " was Estelle's refrain,
"Why should I try,ma?... the guy's insane!"

"Enough with the grievances," Frank said with some glee,
"Now which one of you two is wrestling me?"
"So feats of strength you want? Let them begin here,
"It's your turn to fight him, mom... he beat me last year."

The battle was started, the screaming was lyrical,
The fact no one got hurt was... ANOTHER FESTIVUS MIRACLE!

Today's rhyme courtesy of the folks at Trivia AD and an unknown poet who used to go by the name of Neuman!

The Soda Dispenser Racket

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:22:00 +0000

Picture this: a man (who may or mayor be played by yours truly) is sitting at his desk when all of the sudden he is overcome by both thirst and post-lunch drowsiness.

This is no ordinary man though. He has both a dollar and a dream. The dream won't be satisfied by a simple sip of cold (free) water nor by pod of coffee. There is only one destination for this traveler, the soda vending machine in the office kitchen.

As I slide my last, wrinkled dollar bill into the slot and listened to the my can of Zero land with a resonating, KATHUNK, I started to question this model of supply-side economics.

If my can costs me $1.00 in the machine, how much money is the machine's owner pulling in?

Well my rough calculations show that if I go to the supermarket and buy a box it will run somewhere in the neighborhood of $4.00 but if I get the sale price, I could get 3 boxes for $10. That breaks down to $.36 per can.

Small digression here because I'm leaving out some obvious bulk savings like warehouse stores, beverage distributors, and plain old stealing off the back of the truck. I acknowledge that any of these would yield a lower per unit price but I want to keep to numbers that any housewife or pothead could have access to.

So on a single can, the vendor is getting a profit of $.68. Let's say that each machine holds 100 cans, that is a $68 profit per machine per week. Now there are 10 machines in my office spread across 12 floors, so our vendor's profit is $680 per week. Take that over a 52 week year and you get $32,640.

Not a bad starting point? Right, but even I know that's only a gross number. Even in the fly by night world of beverage vending there are expenses. Besides the cost of products which I've already covered, you need to pay for upkeep and maintenance. The electricity needed to run the units is free of charge (read your tax dollars). I'd figure another $2k for general maintenance on the machines.

You also need some labor to keep the machines stocked with beverage goodness. You could save some money and do it yourself but come on, you need a career (and health insurance). Please so hire a "guy" and pay him $10/hr. He needs about 2 hours to cover the entire building and works for 52 weeks. The this brings your labor costs to $1,040 per year.

Add up your expenses and your burgeoning soda kingdom is nerinf a cool profit of $29,600 per year. That's a few really nice vacations, a car payment, and a lot of lottery tickets. Who's going to front me the start up money to get in on this racket?

Where’s the Beef?!

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:29:00 +0000

Or to be more precise, ”Where’s the white meat?” I saw an sign in my local grocery store the other day for an early Thanksgiving special on for frozen turkeys and, like many signs I see, it got me thinking.

How often have you gone to a Thanksgiving dinner and said, “Wow, look at the size of that bird!” or “I can’t believe she bought such a big bird”. But how big is that bird really? Butterball has a calculator to help you find how much to buy for your crowd.

For arguments sake, let’s say you get a 15 pound frozen turkey, how much actual meat are you getting for your dollar? I’d argue that once you defrost the turkey, cleaned out the giblets, and cooked it you’ve already reduced the weight by at least 25% bringing the new weight to 11.25 lbs. Now we have to figure the weight of all the bones, remaining fat that’s trimmed and what are you really left with? I’ll be nice and say that knocks it down another 25% of it’s weight, leaving you with 7 lbs of actual edible meat.

Now remember, you paid $.54/pound for that frozen 15 lb bird, or $8.10 before tax. Well with the meat you have left you’re now at $1.08/pound which is still dirt cheep, compared to chicken or ground beef.

The moral of this story is, well there is no moral…turkey is cheep and in abundance so bring me some…NOW!

Fat, Phat, and DAMN!

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 20:31:00 +0000

As news of Heavy D’s passing spread, a fraternity brother of mine penned on Facebook, “That really sucks. He was an important part of all those great '90s bar mitzvahs.”

Truer words may never have been spoken.

I was a fan of the “Overweight” Lover and thoroughly enjoyed his music, although I was never able to replicate his Heavy D Shake. His passing was sad and I thought back to the music I grew up with in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I don’t know if it’s the same thing as when Janis Joplin or John Lennon died, in fact I think it’s not even close. But it did get me thinking about who were the top Fattest Rappers of All Time.

A quick search of the interweb on my Google machine shows that I’m not the only crazy MF out there thinking about this kind of thing. In fact Slate Magazine was also pining on this topic. And they’re not the only ones, as our friends over at funkjelly.com have also come up with a list, as have some Amazon users who came up not only with a list but also linked in the songs so you could buy them (ummmm…capitalism!)

All of this got me thinking that I should make my own list. As you’ll see some of the names intersect with the lists above, although you will notice 3 names I did not put in there that others did (PM Dawn, Rick Ross, and Dr. Dre) PM Dawn were singers and hippies, and not really rappers; Rick Ross is a punk who stole his name from Freeway Ricky Ross (famous crack dealer), and finally Dr. Dre (east coast) was really more of a DJ who only occasionally rapped.

So the Nobody Likes A Jerk Top 10 Fat Rappers of All Time:

Biggie
Big Pun
Fat Joe
Chubb Rock
Heavy D
Fat Boys
Biz Markee
Raekwon
Missy Elliot
Boo Ya Tribe

Honorable Mention: Chunky A (aka Arsenio Hall)

But perhaps the fattest of all Fat Rappers is this guy:

Sign of the Times and Picking The Hoarders Dry

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:15:00 +0000

Much like the elusive thirteenth floor in a hotel I am having trouble finding signs that reflect reality. Or at least the reality as I see it.

For example, today as I was on my morning run around DC, I ran through a Capitol Hill park where I saw a sign that said “Pick Up After Your Pet”. Fine…..I can appreciate that. Nobody wants to step in poop when just walking down the street. But the picture was of a dog squatting over the sidewalk and a guy bending down to grab it. Fine, we all get it. Dogs are the primary poopers of our fair park. But what about the few odd cats who go out for walks? How come they aren’t on the sign? Or the potbelly pig owner, where is their sign? Well I’m never one to point out a problem and not provide a solution. I think, in the name of inclusion that we should have a much longer sign with all the different pets pictured so that owners of non-dogs are aware that the law applies to them as well. Sure it could run the entire length of the park (especially if we include the fish and the frogs) but isn’t it worth it to know that everybody is aware of the policy!

I also want to share my idea for a great TV Mash-up/Crossover/Spin-off. What if the people from American Pickers and Storage Wars came over to the houses in Hoarders and started perusing all the “junk”? I think this may be “gold”. Sure, most of the stuff is really junk but I think you might find a valuable antique or two or at least some stuff that the storage locker guys can sell in their second hand shops. How do I keep coming up with this stuff?

File this under “Things I’m Not Sure If I Should Have Eaten”

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 17:11:00 +0000

Do you know the feeling? Yeah, the one you get when you just ate something and your stomach starts churning a little bit. You start to question whether the expiration date has passed (something hard to do with leftovers) and if you need to take your computer to the bathroom so you can continue to work while waiting for the inevitable.

For me, it was the leftover chili salad. We ate it on Saturday night and took it home and refrigerated it pretty quick. Here’s the challenge, though. I didn’t heat it back up today. I mean the chili was all mixed in with the lettuce and the tomatoes and the peppers. If I put it in the microwave, everything would be a big hot soggy mess.

So am I sick? I don’t know. I guess that depends on if the nice folks at Hard Times Café (the official chili provider to Nobody Likes a Jerk) puts blue corn tortilla strips in their salads. If they don’t then I’d say that was mold and I’m bound for a trip to the DL. I guess it also depends on how quick microbes and all that icky, nasty stuff can form on chili meat? In the past I’ve vigorously questioned the safety of my Chinese leftovers, but do I have to do the same about my Cincinnati Chili Salad?

Time will tell.

Kid, Go the #@$#@$ to Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:58:00 +0000

Unless you are the most unplugged in person in the world (or my parents) you have heard of Adam Mansbach instant classic “Go the @#$@#$ to Sleep” . I figure that by the time it gets to Samuel L Jackson’s lips that everybody in the free world has read it. Surely they’ve read it to the kids in Day Care.

This is why I’m mystified at my son’s instance on waking up for the last two mornings at 430am. There have been pleanty of times in the 6 or 7 months that he’s woken up in the middle of the night, let out a whimper and then fallen right back to sleep. Not these last two. Nope. 4:30, comes around and there’s the video monitor flickering on and the audio meter topping off in the “red” zone with piercing screams of “I’m awake mother$%$%, now deal with me!”

Here’s the other catch. Normally my alarm goes off at 430am so I can drag my fat ass out of bed and hit the gym or go for a run. But this was a long weekend that culminated with my toes getting some serious blisters after running a half marathon in my Vibrims, so I’m on a break until tomorrow.

Now I have to get out of bed, go across the hall, get the kid, bring him back to our room, hand him off to the wife, and then run down and get a bottle. Nothing like mixing formula in the dark.

Since I’m not working out I want to go to sleep for another hour or so until I have to go get ready for work. Well the kid again is not getting this concept and proceeds to kick me in the hand or chest as he’s gulping down his bottle. I secretly think it’s payback for all the “nice” things I’ve said about him both before and after birth.

Tonight kid, go (and stay) the @#@#$ to sleep!

A Politician to Get Behind

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 19:43:00 +0000

Normally I don’t dedicate this much space to politics but this one is really worth it (at least in my humble opinion).

Most of these A-holes who seek office aren’t willing to wipe their ass with the paper they write laws on (see “Democrats” and “Republicans”). Even if you’re lucky enough to have someone who is actually willing to stand behind the laws they endorse chances are that if you threaten them with an election challenge they’ll back down and cower in the corner.

Enter Arturas Zuokas, the 43 year old mayor of Vilnius, Lithuania. He doesn’t screw around with metaphors and half truths. He doesn’t pander to business and then turn around and pretend to love the little man. He doesn’t kiss the establishment’s ass in one breath and kiss your baby in the next.

Nope, Zuokas is a man of the people, his people. Jack and Jill Kazlauskas if you will.

It seems that there is an ongoing problem of drivers of expensive luxury cars parking in designated bicycle lanes while they go and shop for the best Benetton and Swatch has to offer. Zuokas’ government has tried issuing announcements, ticketing, and even towing the cars. Nothing seems to work.

What does Zuokas do? Does he say oh well we tried and throw up his hands? No! He fights back. How does he do that? Watch the video:

Nice right! This is a politician who knows how to kick ass and take names later. Looking at the video again it was likely staged as I doubt any government that doesn’t rhyme with Dinah would willingly roll over their citizens with tanks but the message it sends rings through the streets and alleys of all Vilnius’ neighborhoods.

From Pilies Street to Grigiškės everybody knows that Zuokas means business!

I Hate You But You Have the Right to Keep Pissing Me Off

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 20:06:00 +0000

Is it possible that I agree with a pimp, an Irish terrorist, telephone technicians and a teenager seeking an abortion? Well, naturally, yes, but in this case I actually agree with the man behind the costumes, James O’Keefe.

In a good piece by the New York Times last week, O’Keefe is profiled as he fulfills his community service hours imposed by a court in the Mary Landrieu break in. O’Keefe has been keeping busy over the years helping to take down the establishment and in the meantime has become an ultra conservative hero.

I certainly don’t agree with his politics but his right to be a “muckraking” journalist goes back hundreds of years and follows in the footsteps of Upton Sinclair and Nellie Bly. As O’Keefe accurately puts it, “I didn’t defund ACRON”

What if Sinclair decided that the meat packing industry wasn’t where his heart was at and decided to go after the Catholic church? Would we vilify him if the Vatican had to close it’s doors because he would find that Priests were molesting little choir boys back in the late 1800’s? Maybe so but much like Sinclair simply shows the dangers and slipshod practices of the meat industry , O’Keefe is just shedding light on topics he feels are not always seen.

Look, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Planned Parenthood, ACORN and other groups that conservatives seem to seethe over provide services that the public needs, but O’Keefe has the right to (just like Fat Mikey Moore) to poke fun at the absurd.

The bigger problem here is how can you hold down a job at one of these organizations and not smell a rat when a white “pimp” walks in the door? If you employ these people (echeem. DC Metrorail) then I really think that you deserve all the negative PR that comes your way.

That’s not a thought, it’s a sermon.

Come On... Daddy Needs Some New Leather Pants!

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 22:46:00 +0000

Let's take it to the man. I mean really stick it to him! Let's shutdown the "lame stream" media and make them pay for saying those awful things about us. Besides they're only telling lies.

What? They're just reporting things that were actually said? They can do that? Woah, that's heavy!

Yep former (and current a-hole). Bradlee Dean and his "You Can Run But You Can't Hide" ministry (that's the real name... really) is a little hot under the collar at MSNBC and their commentator Rachel Maddow. It seems that it didn't take sticks and stones but names indeed could hurt Dean as he filed a lawsuit today against the aforementioned parties and The Minnesota Independent newspaper over reporting that questioned his groups beliefs on homosexuality and that "tried to detail the presidential bid of Michelle Bachman".

*insert sound of crickets chirping*

But wait it gets better! According to the suit, he is "praying" for extensive monitory damages.

*more crickets, more chirping*

I'm starting to question if Oral Roberts University should really rethink their law school. Most people when filing suit usually"ask" or "seek" or even "request money". Praying for it is usually reserved for the liquor store lotto counter or the tables at a cheap Vegas Casino.

But here's Mr Dean asking not only the judge for money but the big guy upstairs too, and you know just for luck! I suppose the court should hear the case and judge it on its merits but of course others think the case is a travesty and a mistake. I fall in the middle. I not only want the case heard but I want to Dean to win it.

Think about it. If he wins several great outcomes emerge. 1). Rachel Maddow will finally be taken off the air. We can all agree that she's hard on the eyes and that shrill voice would stop a lion in his tracks. 2). MSNBC would enjoy a nice ratings bump which lord knows they need! And 3) if this suit is allowed to go through then what's to stop other people from filling similar suits claiming that Rush Limbaugh ruined the chances of Al Franken from ever being President!

Isn't the First Amendment a great thing!

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:35:00 +0000

On the flip side bad fence companies get Bloggeman pissed and off on a rant. So since it’s been a while let’s start with the incompetence of Alligator Fence Company.

After a search on ServiceMagic.com where we’ve had a lot of success finding good, solid contractors, we decided that Alligator, while a bit more expensive than the others, was the way to go. We spoke to Randy Anderson (douche waffle) to pay the deposit and he said that the crews would start in about four weeks time.

Ok …I get it, there’s a lot of work and this is a small company, no problem. About a week out I called Randy to confirm the actual start date. After a few attempts and a few escalating angry voice mails for him, he had this guy from the “office” call me. The “guy” said, “oh no problem, we’ll be there on Wednesday the 21st to get started but we’ll call on Monday to confirm. Well Monday comes and goes and no call. So I call on Tuesday morning (the 20th) and leave a message that I’d like a call back to confirm work tomorrow. No call.

If you didn’t guess, I get a little agitated when I don’t get calls back, especially when you have a large chunk of my money tied up in a deposit and plan on getting a bit more when you complete a job. After not hearing all day Tuesday, I left a 4pm voice mail giving Alligator until 10am Wednesday morning to arrive to start work or I was calling American Express and challenging the deposit (thankfully Amex knows how to serve their customers!). Of course you know what happens next, 10am Wednesday comes and goes. My first call (at 10:01am) is to Amex who quickly put a challenge on the deposit. The next call was to Mike at Fine Fence.

Mike was our second choice but in reality should have been my first. Fine Fence had better and more reviews then Alligator and for the same price I should have known better. No matter, Mike came right over and reviewed the job. He told me that MissUtility would be out on Friday to mark the lines, and they were there on Friday. He told me his crew would be there on Monday at 9am to start and guess what? 9am yesterday the truck pulls up to the house and the crew jumps out.

Pictures and Video are below so I won’t go into the whole thing but his crew worked all day (including in the rain!!!) and by 6pm I had a new red cedar fence. The worksite was cleaned up, and the whole neighborhood smells like fresh cut cedar. Pretty good job by my standards.

But what to do with Randy and the guys at Alligator Fence? I’ve already blasted them on Service Magic and will proceed to do the same on Yelp, the Better Business Bureau, and some other sites I find. Hopefully I can just “cut-and-paste” one template so as to keep my blood pressure under control. I’d hate to have this great looking back yard and bust a blood vessel in my eye so I can’t enjoy it!

Two lessons for today. 1) Go with the company with the most reviews….more often than not, they are correct and truthful. 2) Don’t piss me off….I can’t take the stress right now!

fence, a set on Flickr.

No. Wait…I Thought He Was Dead

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:52:00 +0000

What can I say that would excuse a 9 month (give or take) absence from filling this wonderful space with my rants, complaints, irkings, and on occasion a nice word or two? How can I defend not supplying you with your daily dose of me thereby leaving a huge void in your otherwise empty existence? I guess we’ll go with the words of Deniece Williams and “Lets Hear it for the Boy”. For the few months proceeding and the half a year (yikes) after the birth of my son I have left these pages devoid of my usual witty banter and terribly insightful rhetoric. But no more my friends. I’m back!!!

I Do Not Bleed Burgundy and Gold

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 21:22:00 +0000

Do you? At last check, mine is dark red but not really "burgundy".

Well I thought going to the Red Cross and donating blood was a good way to give back to the community. Evidently I was mistaken because sports sponsorship has now sunken to a new low. According to the ad I just saw, the National Captial Chapter of the American Red Cross is the “official blood donation” sponsor of the Washington Redskins. Huh?

Yeah...now NFL teams are accepting blood donations (or sponsors anyway). While I’m all for getting more donors (unless you take my appointment) I don’t know how they go hand in hand with Football. Sure the hits are violent, but I don’t ever remember seeing the trainers administering a blood transfusion on the sidelines.

There is also nothing wrong with offering football tickets as an incentive to get a pint or two donation. It’s more practical then the cheep umbrellas that fall apart under the slightest of dampness or t-shirts that are so thin you can see through to the person behind me. But why the need to align with the NFL? How many other blood donor centers are there in the area that you can actually think to become the “official” anything?
Other then the Red Cross, you have the Inova Hospital chain in Northern Virginia and that’s about it. You are the freakin’ Red Cross! When somebody thinks of blood they think of you (and Dracula but that’s another entry about the dangers of watching Twilight!). A long while back there used to be centers that would actually pay you money for you blood. Nobody does that anymore. So if there’s no money, and no more Coke products (only juice), just give away the tickets and drop the stupid sponsorship thing!

Scan Me? Scan You!

noreply@blogger.com (ME) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 20:17:00 +0000

Airport security is a serious thing. I think we can all agree on that. It was serious before the attacks on 9/11 and it’s something to continue to take serious today. But there are people out there who don’t feel comfortable with the heightened security measures that take place. Maybe it’s a panic attack over the crowds at the security screening point. Or maybe you’re a terrorist or a coke mule and don’t want to be discovered. I get it. I really do. But the good news is there are more than a few ways to travel.

Hey I also get that air travel is the way to go. Look it’s certainly a lot faster than taking the train and a little cleaner then taking the bus. The downside are the checked bag fees, the tight seats and of course the security lines. These are (for the most part) all unavoidable so just deal with them.

But not you. Nope. You are douchewaffle extraordinaire, John Tyner. You bought an airline ticket, packed your bags and headed off to the San Diego International airport to meet up with your family in South Dakota. You must have really not wanted to visit your Dad and go pheasant hunting. First you turned on your cell phone camera and started recording when you got to security. Then you refused to go through the full body scanner. Ok...you don’t have to go through it. Maybe you’re worried about radiation. I get it....I really do. But then when the TSA agent pulls you aside and explains that the only other option to going through the scanner is a full-body pat down. But you weren’t having that. Nope. You actually told the TSA Agent (a Federal Officer) “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested!”

And you are wondering why you were thrown out of the airport? First I’ll start off with the obvious one, who was going to do the arresting? If the agent went through with the pat down, who were you going to complain to? Were you going to go to the San Diego City cop on the segway? Actually I would have liked to see that. No you’re a software guy...you have a cell phone...you’re too smart for that. You’d probably complain to the Agent’s boss. Yes, President Obama is waiting for you phone call. You’d better hurry up and call him...I hear he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Lets take a step back and look at the situation on the whole. You bought a ticket from San Diego to South Dakota. You walked up to the security line and turned on your camera phone. Then you refused the body scan and when calmly instructed by a Federal Agent what would occur during the pat down you told him not to touch your junk. This reeks of the video stylings of one James O’Keefe (of ACORN video fame).

I don’t know about you Tyner, but for me, if I buy a plane ticket I’m planning on flying that day. I don’t have the luxury of f-ing with security and getting kicked out. Hell they can even have my 3.1 oz bottle of shampoo if it means that I can get on my flight. In your case you just left the airport. How did you get to that pheasant hunt in South Dakota with dear old dad?

If you’re against the security procedures, that’s fine. They are obtrusive and I too question their effectiveness on a large scale, but when it comes right down to it that is what it is and you’re not going to change it. If you want to be the face leading a protest, I have some causes for you. They mainly involve with forced sterilization video evangelists. See if you can get behind that cause!