Everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet a need …. Really?

The other day, I was in a gathering and I ran into a woman two times.  What I mean is, I looked up and she was right there and we were standing so close that I was startled.  After an hour at this event, I was pulling out of my parking place.  I looked both ways and waited for a car to go by and then pulled out of my parking space and I nearly side-swiped the lady’s car.  The very same lady!

In each case, I apologized and blamed myself.  Then, on my way home, I started to blame her.  Do you ever find yourself ruminating on your judgments and trying to place blame?  Has this behavior ever relieved your anxiety or angst over the situation?  It hasn’t succeeded for me even once, yet I’ve tried it countless times throughout my life and one more time with this lady.

If it’s true that ‘everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet a need,’ what needs would judgment and blame serve?

I think the needs I’m trying to meet are safety and reassurance that I’m okay.  So, I think that if I can find fault or blame in a person or a situation, maybe then I can avoid it in the future and thus feel safer (my brain actually thinks that this works whether I blame the other person or myself!).  I also think that there’s a false sense of safety when I can evaluate something as good or bad.  There’s something about quickly categorizing people and events – good, bad, right, wrong and then determining who is to blame or praise – that supports order and predictability, which also ultimately connects to a perceived need for safety and reassurance.

Marshall Rosenberg would call these ‘tragic expressions of unmet needs,’  meaning that using these particular strategies (judging or blaming others or myself as good, bad, right or wrong) does not EVER work toward supporting safety and reassurance.

Argh.  It’s such an inviting trap, though, isn’t it?  And, so predictable and ordinary that it can be challenging to catch ourselves in the act.

So, back to the lady, as I was driving home, I first focused on blaming myself because I almost ran in to her inside the building and then again in the car – I was telling myself that I was clumsy and distracted.  Then, I shifted to blaming her because I looked both ways so surely it was her fault.  Then, again, I acknowledged that if our cars had collided, I would have been the one officially at fault.  This back and forth blame game lasted only a few minutes until I noticed what I was doing and immediately asked myself what actually happened.  I literally said this in my head, “Mary, what actually happened?”

“I looked both ways and didn’t see any vehicles so I started to pull out of my parking space.  When I was about halfway through my U-turn, I saw the lady’s car and hit my breaks.   We did not collide.  I mouthed an apology.  She smiled and gave me the American Sign Language sign for Love.”

This is what I call Living in the Observation.  At first, noticing that my brain wants to find blame, fault, right, wrong, good or bad in a situation.  Then, asking myself what actually happened, in detail.  Most times, including this incidence, when I’m Living in the Observation, I realize that there’s no need to judge the situation, the other person or myself at all.  In fact, what actually happened is rarely even worth mentioning to someone else or spending any of my time ruminating on it.  This is to me a true place of empowerment, safety and reassurance because it’s grounded in reality.

The alternative, of course, is to continue ruminating on the situation, thus creating more suffering and angst.  Hmmm.  When I think of it that way, there hardly seems a choice at all!

Here’s to Living in the Observation as a daily practice for creating more peace in my daily life….and yours.

On this day, I say I am committed for one more day to live my value of nonviolence.  I hope you’ll join me.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cJOm72QDDA&feature=related

Warmest Holiday wishes to you,

Mary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRtc-k6dhgs&feature=share&mid=532910

The Multimedia Library contains 150+ trainer resources (more will be added on an ongoing basis!) that include:

• Recorded telecourses on a variety of topics
• MP3 and MP4 downloads
• Videotaped trainings
• Trainer Tips for living NVC
• Articles
• eBooks
• Online courses
• And More!

Now, in one place, you can find tips for sharing NVC to others, tips for living NVC, brush up on your NVC skills or simply receive comfort and nurturing from daily reminders of how NVC enhances your life and relationships.

Starting at $15/month, the price can’t be beat.

Please take a few moments to check out the new NVC Multimedia Library and all it has to offer!  I alone have 20 resources in the Library!

Mary

It is challenging to understand in an intellectual way that I have a part in something happening thousands of miles away.  And yet, I know that we are all one and interconnected; every action I take has an affect on others.

For me it is imperative that I remember this because it helps me live in greater honesty AND it reminds me that I can take active part in creating a world of peace and mutual respect.  Just by consciously choosing to add love and understanding to the situation (rather than hate or judgment), I am taking clear, positive action toward creating the peaceful world I want to live in.

Does this condone what Osama Bin Laden has done?  No.  Absolutely not.

Does it minimize the pain of people who lost loved ones on 9/11?  No.  I have great compassion and love for each person who experienced loss.

I am merely saying that I don’t think adding further anger and judgment to the situation is helpful.  I truly believe the world needs more love, tenderness and care to heal.  And, so this is what I am focused on providing.

Please join me!

Mary

We started by implementing a comprehensive survey that was sent to all 8500 members of the NVC Academy, we studied the results of the survey, and then based on what we heard people asking for, we reorganized the NVC Academy, including creating the NVC Multimedia Library.  It was a labor of love that took 14 months to implement.

Please take a few minutes to check it out!

The NVC Multimedia Library includes (at a starting point!  We’ll continue to add new resources.) 150 resources from 40 trainers from across the globe.  You now have at your finger tips an amazing array of training segments, full recorded telecourses, articles, ebooks and trainer tips – in audio, video or written format. We even offer 3 online courses.

There are countless topics that cover NVC enthusiasts who are just getting started and those with a little or a lot of experience – and everything in between.  No matter what your preferred topic(s) is or your level of NVC experience, you will find many resources in the Multimedia Library.

Look here for my resources in the Multimedia Library:

http://nvctraining.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&layout=generic&tag=Mary%20Mackenzie&task=tag&Itemid=1041

Look here to browse all that the Multimedia Library has to offer:

http://nvctraining.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&layout=category&Itemid=192

Do you have a favorite trainer who you enjoy learning from?  Browse for their resources on the left search engine of the Library called “Browse by Trainer.”

I hope that you’ll agree that the NVC Multimedia Library is exciting and innovative.   Secondly, I hope it will become a valuable resource for you and other NVC enthusiasts from around the world.

Here’s to peace,

Mary

Learn from top professionals and consultants when eight presenters come together to share their experience of using and teaching Nonviolent Communication in the workplace. We’ll explore new tools that provide a framework for addressing organizational challenges collaboratively.

Join us in San Francisco for four days of intensive learning, and discover new practices that enhance partnership, teamwork and productivity.

Each morning will be filled with structured presentations, followed by self-organized, open space in the afternoons.

This conference is for people who work in organizations, whether you’re a business owner, executive, manager, community leader or staff member. We also welcome anyone who wants to empower the workplace, including consultants, coaches, and Nonviolent Communication trainers.

Presenters include Miki Kashtan, Martha Lasley, Gregg Kendrick, Dian Killian, Wes Taylor, Marie Miyashiro, Edmundo Norte, Ulrich Nettesheim.

So think about who to invite and put the dates on your calendar for Making Collaboration Real: Empowering the Workplace with Nonviolent Communication (March 17-20, 2011)!

For more information and to register  www.leadershipthatworks.com/mcr.

Register Would you like to increase effectiveness and connection in your organization?

Are you tired of difficult conversations and strenuous meetings and would like some manageability in your work life?

In this workshop we plan on exploring some basic principles related to empathic communication in the workplace. We are particularly hopeful that groups and organizations will send some key individuals to this event.

The focus of this workshop is to provide an introduction to the following principles and practices and explore how to bring them into the workplace:

• presence, even in the face of difficulty
• clarity of purpose when making decisions or running meetings
• attention to both parties’ needs in a conflict
• providing feedback without criticism

Miki Kashtan, certified NVC trainer, is a founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication and the North America Leadership Program. Miki conducts organizational trainings, consults with private and public sector organizations and teaches NVC at workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and around the country. Miki has been supporting global social change movements, including coaching of Peace Alliance members in their Department of Peace campaign, facilitation of the African Alliance for Peace summit in Ghana, and a global peace building and conflict transformation summit in Japan.

You may enjoy watching:

10-minute video interview of Miki Kashtan discussing empathy.

10-minute video of Miki Kashtan coaching role plays on the BayNVC Conflict Hotline TV show. ]]> http://nvctraining.com/nonviolentcommunication/nvc-trainers/miki-kashtan/empathy-in-the-workplace-a-workshop-with-miki-kashtan/feed/ 0 http://nvctraining.com/nonviolentcommunication/nvc-trainers/miki-kashtan/be-a-resource-for-your-community-a-workshop-with-miki-kashtan/ http://nvctraining.com/nonviolentcommunication/nvc-trainers/miki-kashtan/be-a-resource-for-your-community-a-workshop-with-miki-kashtan/#comments Thu, 03 Feb 2011 22:45:16 +0000 Miki Kashtan http://nvctraining.com/nonviolentcommunication/?p=323 Friday, March 4th, 2011, 4:30-6:30PM at the First Congregational Church of Oakland

Register

Would you like to become a resource in your community?

This engaging workshop is one fruit of Miki Kashtan’s commitment to transforming the ways we interact with each other and the larger world. People at all skill levels can dive deeply into the world of possibilities that open up with a practice of empathic presence in our communities. This workshop is designed to support you in the following areas:

* capacity to stay present in challenging situations
* ability to reflect your understanding regardless of content
* competence in checking for understanding of deeper meaning of what is shared
* willingness to listen empathically, without trying to solve problems

This workshop is highly interactive and includes exercises using situations volunteered by class participants as material for learning.  Repeated attendance is encouraged, as learning and insights arise freshly each time.
What past participants have said about this workshop:

“For once a seminar leader didn’t try to cram in too much stuff, but instead really committed to her material and ‘let it breathe.’ Very effective!”
~ Floyd Smith

“Miki Kashtan’s class reintroduced me to the value of silence as part of deep listening. The most profound moment came when my partner and I looked into each other’s faces without saying a word. It was both uncomfortable and transformative, and the experience is still with me. I believe this is a vital skill to take into any kind of community building setting, where many people are more focused on giving their opinions than deeply listening to other participants.”
~ Judy Pope

Miki Kashtan, certified NVC trainer, is a founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication and the North America Leadership Program. Miki consults private and public sector organizations, leads NVC workshops and retreats, and facilitates conferences around the world. . She also hosts a monthly call-in television show, The Conflict Hotline, which is viewable through http://bit.ly/conflict-hotline. She holds a Ph.D. in sociology from the University of California at Berkeley. You can read her writings at baynvc.blogspot.com.
10-minute video interview of Miki Kashtan discussing empathy.

Neuroscientist Dr. Tania Singer was recently at Stanford University during the Dalai Lama’s visit.  She was interviewed about the definitions and differences between empathy, compassion and courage.  Her definitions are somewhat different than in a traditional NVC model and I enjoyed listening to her responses and pondering how her views matched or disagreed with mine.

As far as empathy, compassion and courage go, I don’t think there are any right/wrong answers and pondering the deeper meaning of all three can indeed expand ones experience of all.  For this reason, I encourage you to listen to what Dr. Singer has to say.

Dr. Tania Singer answers questions about Empathy, Compassion and Courage

Peace to you all,

Mary