Northlight Counseling

Happy Mother’s Day

admin — Sun, 09 May 2010 13:45:50 +0000

Mothers work very hard. Whether or not you are a stay at home mom or a work outside the home mom, or both, you WORK! I cringe when I hear people ask me, or any other mom, “Do you work?” I feel like saying, “Are you a parent? Is your house semi-clean? Do you give a rip about anyone but yourself? Then, yes, you work, and I work!” I have recently changed my question to, “Do you work outside the home?” and sometimes, I preface that with “All mothers work…”

And one of the hardest things about being a parent is that we don’t necessarily see our hard work paying off until about…oh…30 years later! That is truly delayed gratification! Once in awhile we get a little tiny glimpse of our hard work when we hear our children say things like “thank you” without being prompted, or they want to pray before a meal because “that’s what we do!”

Being a mother is truly a blessing. It is a hard job, requires lots of patience and tons of balancing of time, resources and energy, but it is well worth it when our kids turn out to be hard-working, loving, patient people as adults.

I love this little blurb I got in a recent email. It sums it all up, right mothers? Happy Mother’s Day, no matter what age your children are:

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesn¹t know everything!
14 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother? She wouldn¹t have a clue.
16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? She’s so five minutes ago.
18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE – Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE – Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Sincerely,
Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

* * * * This article is provided by: Northlight Counseling with offices in Gurnee, Cary and, Long Grove, Illinois.

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW
Parenting Coach and Counselor
Northlight Counseling
4180 S. Route 83, Suite #10
Long Grove, IL 60047
Phone: 847-962-5234
Email: jfaith@northlightcounseling.com

Children are our Mirrors

admin — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 11:57:17 +0000

Parenting is one of those things that keeps me on my toes. I think I’ve mastered something, and then a few days later, I realize that I’ve fallen back into the old, immature ways.

For example, last weekend, we were with some friends at an overnight event, then visited a children museum. I watched with wonder how this friend of mine deals with her daughter’s odd comments, sassy back-talk, and attempts at provoking anger. How did this mom respond? She did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it worked beautifully! This mom ignored about 50% of what her daughter said and did. I was amazed. Her calm and gentle approach to life was literally teaching her daughters how to be calm and gentle. She was teaching them to ignore the goofy stuff that others say and do. She was teaching them to focus on the more important things in life. Her positive and encouraging approach was remarkable.

I decided I wanted to live that way with my daughter. So, I even wrote a little note to myself, on the lid of my protein shake that I drink every morning: “Let it go. Move on. Ignore 50%. Demonstrate self-care. Use “I” statements.” This reminds me to let things go. My daughter still says the goofy, inappropriate stuff that she always has. Now I don’t react. I pretend I didn’t hear it. I move on. I only calmly stick with my agenda of being a positive parent. And when I can do those things, it is amazing how well we get along.

I was visiting a single mother the other day, in her home, to observe her, and l give her feedback for her parenting. She told me that since she has a new medication for her anxiety, that she has noticed a decrease in her own daughter’s inappropriate behaviors. When this mom’s anxiety was very high, her daughter’s behaviors were frequently inappropriate. When the mom’s anxiety was lowered, her daughter’s behaviors improved.

I commented that our children are like mirrors. We get to see what we need to work on, if we pay attention. I said, “Suppose our children leave big messes around the house. We get to ask ourselves, “Do I need to improve cleaning up my clutter?” In other words, our children reflect our own behaviors back to us. We are a powerful role model for the behaviors in our lives, for better or worse.” She nodded in agreement. Her mother laughed.

If our children are handling their anger inappropriately, we need to ask ourselves, “Am I handling my anger appropriately? Do I role model for my children how a person is supposed to act when they are very angry?”

If our children are fearful of others, we need to ask ourselves, “Am I fearful of others? Do I role model for my children how a person is supposed to act when they are with others?”

If our children are irresponsible with money, we need to ask ourselves, “Am I handling my money appropriately? Do I role model for my children how a person is supposed to act when spending, saving, and giving money?”

You get the idea. Everything we say and do is being imitated by our children. Do not think that they don’t notice us. We are given a golden opportunity to grow and change when we become parents, because our children will reflect back to us the areas we need to improve.

If you would like a home visit, with some parenting support and feedback, please contact me at 847-962-5234. I provide home visits for $80 per hour, and will give you a type-written report within 7 days. Please let me know how I may serve you and your family.

Self-Injurious Behavior

admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 15:09:38 +0000

It’s what all parents dread: finding that their son or daughter has been intentionally hurting themselves. These kids and teens are in a lot of emotional and psychological pain, and need treatment immediately.

Cutting is when a person intentionally hurts themselves to the point of drawing blood. It is done to release negative emotions, or to distract oneself from emotional pain. Most teens who are cutting are going through a very difficult time in their lives. Some people don’t even know why they are doing it.

Other types of self-injurious behaviors include:

Punching oneself
Burning oneself
Pulling out one’s own hair
Poking objects through body openings
Breaking one’s own bones
Bruising oneself
Plucking hair for hours

Ironically, most teens who do these behaviors are not trying to kill themselves. They are trying to find a way to make the pain in their life stop. Cutting is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Most of them say they are trying to feel something, anything, since they have gone “numb” in their emotional life. They may be fighting Depression, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, low self-esteem, rage, substance abuse addictions or loneliness.

Parents who have discovered that their teen is cutting should:

Call a professional for help immediately.
Remove the cutting tools and objects from the immediate area.
Allow other, less dangerous, self-injurious behaviors, such as squeezing an ice cube, drawing on the skin with a red pen, or snapping a rubber band on the wrist.
Allow other expressions of emotions, such as drawing, writing poetry or rap music, scribbling on paper, hitting a punching bag, pillow or bed, screaming into a pillow, ripping up old newspapers, talking to self out loud in the privacy of their own room, and calling or texting trusted friends.
If there is bleeding that will not stop, go directly to the Emergency Room at your local hospital.

Most teens who have been cutting will be prescribed an anti-depressant, and/or an anti-anxiety medication. Find a quality child and adolescent psychiatrist, who will oversee the proper type of medication, dosage and track improvement. These are powerful medications. Never stop taking them “cold turkey” and never take them differently than prescribed. Doing so can be extremely dangerous.

Here is an interesting article about a group trying to help teens with cutting behavior:

http://articles.lancasteronline.com/local/4/248995

Thanks for reading. Let me know if I can be of service to you in any way.

Sincerely,

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

Food Addictions

admin — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 15:13:57 +0000

It is so fascinating to learn more about Food Addictions. I went to a seminar the other day, and learned all about our national problems with obesity, the psychology of food addictions, and specific behaviors needed to change our weight.

The presenter was Dr. Laura Pawlawk, author of “Stop Gaining Weight,” and I heard her at a previous seminar about a similar topic. She described much of the brain’s neuro-chemical patterns about food, pleasure, and addictions. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure, and Serotonin is responsible for impulse control.

One of the biggest eye-opening things I learned was that if food is the only reward or pleasure in our lives, we will quickly develop a food addiction. She said that the brain is wired for pleasure, and seeks out rewards for itself. We have to find pleasure, reward, meaning and value from other areas of life (other than food). Some examples include:

Volunteering to help others with our unique skills and talents
Sunshine
Physical touch from a friend
Art and music
Creating beauty

Of course, she talked about eating whole foods, and no, pop-tarts are not whole foods. She asked, “Look at your plate. Did that thing on the plate grow from the ground? If not, it isn’t a whole food.”

One other memorable thing she said was, “Eat whole foods. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with food addiction, and wants some support and specific behaviors to help lose weight, please visit my website or give me a call at 847-962-5234. Feel Free to pass on this newsletter to anyone you’d like.

Thanks for reading! Let me know if I can be of service to you in any way!

- Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

New Years Resolutions

admin — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 12:52:18 +0000

Happy New Year!

Ah…it’s that time of year again. Looking forward to the new year, I always seem to set some new goals. Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way to setting goals:

Be Specific. If you say “lose weight,” that is a lot different than saying, “I want to lose 2 pounds every week, so that by the end of 2010, I will have lost 104 pounds.”
Tell a friend. Or many. The more I tell people that about my goals, the more real it becomes to me. It also helps me to stay accountable. My closest friends are invited to ask me repeatedly over the next few months, “How’s that goal coming along?” It makes the goal more real, as I tell more people about it.
Write it down. Some studies have shown that writing down goals are more likely to be attained than goals that stay verbal, or in your head.
Visualize the outcome. Perhaps putting up a photo of yourself at your ideal weight could help with weight-loss goals. A beautiful beach scene could be motivating you to save up money for that beach vacation.

If you have some weight-loss goals, and would like to make a lifestyle change, please contact me. There is no quick-fix, and no easy way to maintain your ideal weight unless you are committed to changing your lifestyle. Give me a call 847-962-5234, or check out my website at: http://www.northlightcounseling.com

Role Models

admin — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:26:20 +0000

When children look up to professional athletes, they view a super-hero, of sorts. Many children say things like, “I want to be just like him,” referring to Tiger Woods, or Kobe Bryant, or other celebrities.

Perhaps it would be appropriate to interject a comment about the role-model of that particular sport. For example, “Yes, Tiger Woods is an amazing golfer. He’s a good role model for years of practice and persistence in his sport.”

But I wonder if kids are also viewing them in light of their character. In their personal lives, many professional athletes are not good role models. Perhaps it would thought-provoking to make a comment about character.

Character in personal life is more important than fame or wealth or skill. Character is established by one choice at a time. Character is developed, and affects every area of life: relationships, finances, health, and wisdom.

Challenging children to think through what is important in life is one of our jobs as parents.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if I can be of service to you!

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

Holiday Giving vs. Entitlement

admin — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:21:56 +0000

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends! I hope this season finds you well, and in good health.

I’ve been thinking a lot about entitlement and money lately. It seems that my child, and a lot of children, are dreaming of what they will get on Christmas. I want to instill a spirit of giving, not just getting, and I’ve found a few things that work well:

Set up a Holiday spending, monetary budget for your child: maybe as low as $1 per person for gifts. It’s really not about the price tag, it’s about thinking what the other person might like to receive. Thankfully, at her school, they’ve set up a Holiday Gift Shopping experience, complete with a budgetary envelope, with space allowing you to list the recipient’s name and the amount your child can spend per person.
Additionally, we signed up to serve as a family. We are spending some time with our friends from church to sing Christmas Carols at a local nursing home.
Additionally, our church is doing a food distribution from the donated food and coats being collected, and people come to receive these items. We signed up to do this together as a family, complete with our parents who are visiting from out of state.
Also, the gifts we did purchase for family are “Fair Trade” items. This way, the artisans, or workers will receive a fair income for their work, and I feel it helps others, as we purchase these gifts. To see some fair trade items, visit this website: http://www.tradeasone.com

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if I can be of service to you!

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

Parenting Goals

admin — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:10:30 +0000

Do you have some goals for you and your child? You probably have them in your head, but, have you ever taken the time to write them down?

Ask yourself what you want your child to learn and do when he is 18 years old. Do you want him living with you as an adult? Have you ever told him that it is your expectation that he move out when he is 18 (or be in college, or paying rent)?

Some of the goals I have for my child are as follows:

Love God
Love People
Manners
Take Care of Self
Take Care of Belongings
Academics
Handling Money
Good Self-Esteem
Survival Skills

Below is a re-print of an article from Love and Logic.

********

“When is it OKAY to let Adult Children Live with You?”
From Love and Logic Newsletter of OCTOBER 28, 2009

Most of us can agree that far too many adult kids are allowed to develop Perpetual Peter Pan Syndrome by their parents. In plainer language, their parents allow them to live at home, never expecting them to grow up.

With this said, there are some circumstances under which it’s perfectly fine to help our kids by allowing them to live under our roofs for a limited amount of time.

Listed below are some questions designed to help parents decide whether to continue helping outŠor to gently yet firmly ease them out of the nest. The more “yes” answers you provide, the more likely that it’s okay to help them out for a while.

Is my child working harder on his/her life than I am?

As soon as you start working harder than they do, you begin to steal their
maturity and self-respect.

Is my child respectful and appreciative?

I’m amazed at how many parents help adult children who treat them like garbage.

Is my child making real financial or sweat-related contributions to the home?

Adult children must do their fair share of chores AND pay rent in the form of cash payments or plenty of extra, meaningful chores.

Does my child understand that our house is not a low-rent motel?

Never help if your child thinks they can party, come and go at all hours of the night, or treat you like a maid.

In their book From Innocence to Entitlement, Jim Fay and Dawn Billings discuss how to recognize when your kids are developing a dangerous sense of entitlement, as well as what to do if they are. This book is a must-read for any parent who finds them self saying “No” to any of the questions listed
above.

********

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if I can be of service to you!

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW

Childhood Worries

admin — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:46:41 +0000

In this season of Halloween, I thought it appropriate to talk about Fear and Anxieties.

A little fear is good. A little fear keeps us safe from harm. A little fear keeps us locking our doors at night, looking both ways before crossing a street, and for us women, stepping off the elevator if we find we are alone in one with a strange looking man.

Some parents are quick to say to their kids, “Don’t be afraid,” or “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” This undermines the child’s reality. They feel afraid. It is their emotion. It is what they are experiencing. They should not be made to feel that their emotions are wrong or bad. Better to say something reassuring like, “I’m right here,” or, “I believe in you.”

Below I’ve reprinted an earlier newsletter, with 3 topics:

Common Childhood Worries
What Parents Can Do
When to Seek Professional Help

If you have frequent fears or anxieties, I can help. Please call me as soon as possible at 847-962-5234 or visit my website.

Common Childhood Worries

Anxiety is one of the most common reasons people come to my office. It is worry that sometimes makes us feel we are in control. Our thoughts go like this: If we worry enough about it, it won’t happen. In childhood, many symptoms of anxiety may show up as physical issues, or simple refusal to do something.

Children worry about lots of things. It is normal to be concerned about having enough friends, getting good grades, the dark, monsters and being safe.

When we worry, we are thinking about what potentially “could” happen. Fears can be defined as thoughts about a perceived negative future.

What Parents Can Do

First and foremost, be aware how much you are pushing your child. If the child is truly afraid, and, after several verbal promptings refuses, make some adjustments.

For example, suppose a child is afraid to order his meal at a restaurant. After a few promptings of, “Please tell the waiter what you’d like to eat,” and the child refuses to speak, ask the child to point to the picture on the children’s menu. Maybe the child will point, if the parent also points. If they still refuse, ask the waiter to come back in a few minutes, and order for him.

Another “approximation” may be using sign language, or writing a note. If a child is too anxious to say “Thank you” to a peer or adult after receiving a gift, perhaps the child can use the sign language, or write a note of gratitude after arriving home.

By no means should a parent “feed” the anxiety by allowing a child to continue to miss school due to fears. If a child complains of stomach aches and the doctor has ruled out medical reasons, try to make a concession. Perhaps the child can attend half the school day, and then use the usual TV time to focus on reading, and completing homework. Perhaps the child can stay home for “boring day,” meaning, no TV, no computer games, no phone calls, etc.

As far as fear of the dark goes, I’ve made it a conscious point to never display or even resemble a fear of the dark in front of my own child. That means that I never hesitated to walk around without many lights on. I would laugh and make “puppet shadows” on the wall, while laying on the bed of my daughter right before she fell asleep. I’d act as natural as possible, nearly pretending that I could see in the dark (the Cinderella nightlight helped guide my way). Occasionally, I’d wait a few minutes upon arriving home before flipping on all the lights. I’m happy to report that it worked! She shows no signs of any fear of the dark!

Above all, parents should check their own anxiety levels. If there is a family history of anxiety, or the parent has his/her own anxiety, get help. Any help that a parent seeks can only help, himself and his child. A child picks up on cues that a parent puts out. For example, if a parent seems nervous while speaking with a bank teller, waiter, or a store clerk, a child will likely see this, and learn that these are fearful situations. On the other hand, if a parent is at ease in nearly every social situation, a child will follow suit.

When to Seek Professional Help

Though difficult to generalize, a parent should seek professional help from a trained counselor and/or doctor when the anxiety is disrupting normal everyday life. When worries become stomach-aches, school refusal, not wanting to participate in previously enjoyable sports, something may be more than just normal worry.

Ask yourself these questions:

Does my child lose sleep because of his/her fears and anxieties?
Does my child avoid going to school?
Does my child avoid activities previously enjoyed?
Have I taken my child to the doctor, and the doctor has said that nothing is medically wrong?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it may be time to seek professional help. Call me if you’d like an assessment, or to set an appointment at 847-962-5234.

Childhood Obesity

admin — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:00:43 +0000

I was fascinated by what I was reading* today about Childhood Obesity. It is preventable and worth thinking about as parents and teachers. According to the research:

More than 9 million American children are overweight.
Nearly half of youths aged 12-21 in the U.S. Are not vigorously active on a regular basis.
Only 8 % of Elementary schools and less than 7 % of middle schools and high school have daily physical education requirements in the U.S.

Causes of Obesity:

Genetics
Behavioral genetics
Inherited traits
Diet
Toxic environments
Behavior
Culture
Gender, race, ethnicity and socioeconomic factors

So, what do we do? Dr. Allen Dearry, from the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS) says, “Because it is so hard to treat obesity, we’ve tried to focus on preventing obesity from developing children, and we’re trying to do that through a variety of research and educational strategies. If you can prevent kids from becoming overweight and boese at a young age, then you’re much more likely to start to reduce the incidence of obesity in adults.”

Prevention tips:

Assess your dietary intake.
Monitor your portion sizes.
Modify food preparation: reduce use of fats and sugars.
Wait a few minutes before giving additional servings.
Become active as a family.
Be a role-model. Your kids are watching!

If you’d like some help with preventing obesity, or know of anyone who might need some help, please pass on this newsletter, and have them give me a call at 847-962-5234.