Northlight Counseling

Calm Discipline

Faith Gallup — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 15:08:26 +0000

When parents spank, yell at, scream at, yank, or hit their children, they do so because they think they are “teaching their kid a lesson.” Oh, they’re teaching alright – They are teaching the kids to yell, scream at, yank, and hit others when angry. The entire lesson that the parent intended to teach is long gone. The child is focusing on the parent’s anger, not the mistake or wrongdoing.

It is not good to “teach a lesson” by yelling and screaming at our kids. One book I recently read teaches that, when we yell or scream at our children, no matter what words we are saying, the message is always, “CALM ME DOWN! CALM ME DOWN!” It demonstrates that we are NOT in control of our emotions, and that it is up to others to change in order for us to remain in control.

Think about when children blame others for their own actions. “It’s not my fault! He was yelling at me first!” or “It’s not my fault you didn’t wake me up on time!” or “It’s her fault – she started it (…so I had to hit her)!” How is that different than when a parent yells or screams at a child?

Wouldn’t it be great to find different, better ways to discipline children? We have to find creative ways to discipline that do not include yelling. There are many possible consequences available. To name a few:

* Reduced television time
* Reduced play time
* Reduced computer time
* Earlier bed time
* Reduced sugary sweet snack
* Leaving an event early (if possible)
* Less allowance, or monetary fines
* Writing sentences

Calm discipline means that we are maintaining the authority in our home, connecting with our children in positive ways, and role modeling how to handle strong emotions.

Consider this great quote by author C. S. Lewis (who wrote “The Chronicles of Narnia,” books):

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

Take some time to calm down yourself, before coming up with a consequence. The results will be so much better in the bigger picture: Relationship between parent and child is maintained, and role modeling how to handle one’s strong emotions is demonstrated.

Call me if you need some additional ideas or resources: 847-962-5234

* * * * This article is provided by: Northlight Counseling with offices in Gurnee, Cary and, Long Grove, Illinois.

Jaril Faith Gallup, LCSW
Parenting Coach and Counselor
Northlight Counseling
4180 S. Route 83, Suite #10
Long Grove, IL 60047
Phone: 847-962-5234
Email: jfaith@northlightcounseling.com

Joking with Kids

Faith Gallup — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 14:32:35 +0000

I like being silly and joking around with kids. Kids are fun and silly, and usually uninhibited. But, we have to be careful – age-appropriate humor, and relationship building are key.

This April Fool’s Day, I was tempted to pull some pranks on my own 10-year old child. But she is ultra-sensitive, and it would do some damage to our relationship if I pulled some joke or prank that rocked the already unstable trust she has in me. So, I just pulled a prank on my mother in California, saying that it was snowing here in Illinois. My daughter overheard me, and ran to the window. When I said, “April Fools!” on the phone to my mother, my daughter later told me that I fooled her too.

Silliness and laughter can begin as early as 6 months old. Babies will smile and laugh at something they think is funny, like a dog running, or an unusual sound. Peek-a-boo is very fun for the child who has learned that people who are not present still exist.

A 6-month old may not even respond to it, and a 6-year old will think it’s boring. But a 9-12 month year old child loves peek-a-boo, so long as the adult reappears fairly soon. It is the predictability that is fun. If the adult does not reappear in a timely fashion, the baby will cry out of fear.

The simple jokes about misplaced items, or mistaken facts are fun for toddlers and preschoolers. For example, an empty soup bowl placed on someone’s head as a hat may have your preschooler howling with laughter. Pointing to a green item, and calling it red may be just as silly. A sock on a foot is not funny, because it belongs there, but a sock on the ear is hysterical.

At around 7-8 years old, actual riddles and jokes are understood. But, they ought to be simple, like knock-knock jokes or puns. Joke books are great birthday gifts for kids turning 7 or 8 years old. Play on words can be the source of great fun, for example, the word “mummy” sounds like the word “mommy,” so the child actually gets the joke about the baby ghost.

Not until 9 or 10 can a child fully appreciate sarcasm. In fact, I tell a lot of parents with whom I work not to use sarcasm with any child younger than 9. For example, if an adult says to a 7 year-old child, “Oh, sure, you can drive the car to the restaurant tonight,” the child might believe the adult. Then when they reach for the keys, the adult may yell, “Put those down!” Now the child is totally confused.

What just happened? The adult used inappropriate humor for the brain-development of the child. The relationship took some damage, because trust may have been broken. The child ends up confused, and the adult is angry. All of this could have been prevented, had the adult used age-appropriate humor.

Laughter is great medicine, and many studies show the correlation between humor and resilience in the immune system. Just be careful to use age-appropriate humor with your kids.

If you need some assistance in your parenting, and want to know more about age-appropriate skills and activities, call me directly at 847-962-5234 to set up an appointment.

Not a “Shrink”

Faith Gallup — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 11:40:05 +0000

About a year ago, my husband and I went to the House of Blues in Chicago, for a benefit concert. It was to benefit Zacharias Center, for the sexually abused. They had many many more people than I expected. At $150/ticket, I was surprised at the crowd. Of course, we didn’t pay that. We got complimentary tickets. Anyway, they had a wonderful selection of food, open bar until 9, and a few speakers. Not the least of which was a guy who had received services, admitting to the entire crowd of his past sexual abuse, how it ruined his first marriage, and how it also lead him to substance abuse. He praised his counselor, Adam, who apparently works at Z Center (Zacharias Center for Sexual Abuse, http://www.zcenter.org). His second marriage is doing much better, from what he was saying. It was great music, and it was m.c.’d by Gerry Meyer. He volunteered this year, according to my husband, because he was so moved by the event last year.

I hope that people can someday get to a point that they admit and share openly about their sexual abuse history. Thank God I never experienced that, but, I can imagine how awful that could be for someone. Mental health is of course important to me, but lowering the stigma associated (still) with seeing a counselor for one’s issues is slightly more important. It bothers me that people still use the word “shrink” as if we are witch-doctors, literally boiling someone’s skull into a misshapen blob of a brain.

When I saw my counselor, the experience was much more akin to walking through a scary dark tunnel, feeling the fear, and climbing up out of a manhole cover back to reality at the end of the session. Grieving the pain of my past, admitting my sadness, pain and hurt, trials and lessons learned helped me discover that I do not have to make choices based on the past anymore. I can make new, adult, better choices than my emotional brain easily makes. I can stop, think, and decide how to do life differently. No brain shrinking there.

Mental health is still suffering from the images of movies and TV of Dr. Sigmund Freud, with his clipboard, sitting behind the patient, and the patient lying on the couch saying whatever comes into his mind. This is nothing like what happens in my office, with my clients.

With my clients, I ask a bunch of questions, and they talk about their current life. We establish set goals, and review them every so often for progress. I make suggestions, and teach some concepts that may help. I challenge their thinking, and review homework. We discuss books we’re reading together, and how the concepts might help with their personal goals.

Some clients seem to have very serious issues, and others not so much. Some people are willing to work hard at their goals, and others, not so much. Some people are truly insightful and are understanding why they are choosing to behave the ways they do, and others, well…… not so much. I then try to help them figure out why they are choosing what they are doing.

If you want the same kind of help, feel free to give me a call today at 847-962-5234. We can work together to set some goals, and I can help you reach them. And you don’t have to lie on the couch. Unless you want to, of course.

How Fear Works

Faith Gallup — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:24:39 +0000

I was watching a video of one of my favorite authors and speakers, Christian psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, who explained how fear works so well. A summary of his information follows.

Fear in itself is not bad. It is by God’s design that we have an autonomic nervous system, for survival. When there is some life threatening situation, like an oncoming train, our body reacts instantly. A surge of adrenaline pumps through our body, allowing us to “fight or flight.” We have instant energy (and usually without thinking) to stay and fight the train, or run away. When we decide to run, and we are safely out of harm’s way, we are supposed to calm down, and return to normal state, without the level of adrenaline previously required. Our brain should do this, but sometimes it doesn’t always work that well.

Sometimes, if we have had some trauma or very difficult things happened in our lives, the brain stays in fear mode. The activated state maintains the fear because the emotional memory has not been worked through. Even though the environment or dangerous situation is in the past, we carry the feeling of “…something’s wrong…” and physiologically we are still on hyper-arousal. So the brain says, “There must be some danger,” and creates thoughts and belief systems to support and explain where the danger is coming from.

For example, flying in a plane is very safe. Statistically, the chances of getting in a crash in a car are far more than the chances of getting in a crash on an airplane. The brain associates the fear with the airplane. So, it figures, if we AVOID the airplane, we are safe and we survive. The reality is that it is safe. But the feelings are very strong, and we can believe that we are in life or death danger. Then, false success! We FEEL safe, so it reinforces the brain to “prove” that the airplane was the issue.

When we avoid a lot of things in life, our life experience shrinks. Sometimes, we avoid the very things that are the best parts of life. Like, going on an interview, talking with people at a party, or facing a conflict with an important person in our lives.

There is hope. Start asking yourself, “Where have I developed a fear of something normal?” It scares you enough to avoid it, which leads to avoiding life. Think about your emotions, relationships, social system, or your goals and dreams. What have you been avoiding in your life? I can help you with these. Call me today to address these issues.

If you have extreme post-traumatic stress disorder, or tragic trauma backgrounds, seek professional help. If you have a significant anxiety disorder, or depression, don’t do this by yourself. Call me so that I may help you work through the issues. Anxiety is one of the most treatable issues of mental health.

Anger Management

Faith Gallup — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 11:57:35 +0000

“You make me so angry!” “Why do you act this way?” “I wouldn’t have to yell, if you’d do what I say!” These are all unhelpful and inappropriate ways to handle your anger.

Nobody “makes” you angry. You have anger because you are human, and you have emotions. How to control your anger, and what to do with it is something we will be discussing in our upcoming group, “Anger Management.” Starting after the new year, in the Gurnee office, we will explore the following:

What is anger? Why do we have it? How can we control it? What thoughts contribute to our anger? What’s the best way to handle ourselves when angry?

With a variety of resources, support and information, you can control your anger. For only $300 you can learn valuable tools and skills to overcome your bad anger habits. Join with other people struggling with the same thing, and contribute your experiences to help other people grow in this area.

Please call me at 847-962-5234 for more information. Many insurances are accepted. Call Today!

Parenting Group: Preventing Meltdowns

Faith Gallup — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 15:03:09 +0000

We all dread it. Kids throwing major temper tantrums. They’re bad enough at home, but most embarrassing in public. You think, “Oh no, here we go again! Why does my child do this?” If only there were a way to help prevent those meltdowns.

Take heart! There is a way! I can teach you how to prevent meltdowns, choose your battles wisely, and teach your child to be more flexible. Based on the book titled, “The Explosive Child,” by Dr. Ross Greene, I have put together a 10-session parenting group to explore the various ways we as parents and teachers can help children learn to be more flexible, problem-solve, and go with the flow.

Starting on Tuesday, September 20, 6-8 p.m. in my Long Grove office, we will meet for 10 sessions (20 hours) to discuss this very important parenting topic. This is geared for all age groups. There is NO homework in this group, and you do NOT need to purchase the book. Some couples are “sharing” the seat, alternating weeks of attendance, and so they pay only for one seat.

For only $30 per hour ($600), you will learn ways to deal with chronically inflexible kids, how to address a crisis situation before it starts, and help your child learn to express his or her concerns in a mature way. Many insurance plans are accepted, so you only pay a fraction of the fee. $300 saves your seat at this 10-session group. Space is limited, and will fill up fast.

Call today to reserve your seat: 847-962-5234, or call for more information. I know I can help you learn better parenting techniques to help you and your child prevent meltdowns.

Faith Gallup, LCSW, 847-962-5234

Positive Redirection

Faith Gallup — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 14:46:15 +0000

Don’t! Stop it! Cut it out! Knock it off! Enough! These are the phrases of negative redirection, and they aren’t very helpful to kids. Negative redirection is unclear communication. It is confusing – a child knows what NOT to do, but may still be quite unsure what he is supposed TO do. It could have a harmful effect on the adult and child relationship. It creates a negative environment. It decreases language skills in children. And, possibly the worst thing, it could leave the child feeling very negative about himself, others, and the authority figures in his life.

Positive redirection is telling a child what you DO want them to do, instead of telling him what NOT to do. For example, “Here. Take this and sit down please.” Some other examples:

“Crayons are only for paper.”

“Chairs are for sitting.”

“Please talk quietly.”

“Put this in the box.”

“We only climb on the playground outside.”

If you can use positive redirection in your interactions with children, it will strengthen your relationship with them, improve communication, teach appropriate language skills, and clear up the expectation, leading to less confusion.

Anxiety in Children 0-8

Faith Gallup — Tue, 03 May 2011 11:20:07 +0000

Imagine being a new parent, bringing home your little bundle of joy. So many needs to consider, but, what about social and emotional development? Can a little baby have anxiety? What about anxiety later in childhood?

That little baby needs to know that the world is a safe place, and that her needs will be met. Anxiety is based in fear, and she will have fear when her needs go unmet for too long. She cries, whines and even screams when she has a need, and some of them are social needs. Offering her loving touches, soft words, soft music, and a pleasant environment, while meeting her physical needs like eating, bathing, changing her diaper, and dressing will help her to calmly learn that her needs will be met. It will meet her needs for connection, reassurance and intimacy.

At about 18 months through preschool, she will fear the “outside” world apart from her primary caregiver (usually mom). Her anxiety is a normal stage in development, as she is learning to do things on her own. Parents still need to be available for reassurance, connection, and providing close proximity to ensure the child’s safety. Typically, this is the stage of Separation Anxiety, which is normal and natural for preschoolers. The best thing a parent can do is set up a simple “good-bye routine” when leaving the child at the school, daycare, or care-givers house. It will reassure the child that the new place is safe, the parent will return, and demonstrate to the child that the parents trusts the environment, and communicates that the child should do the same.

In elementary school, anxiety usually revolves around fears of peers, responsibilities and new levels of expectations. Children should not be sheltered from these realities, however, neither should they be traumatized. Most parents feel the child is being “traumatized” when they are simply displaying dislike or normal levels of fear. WIse parents should promote the functional independence as much as possible, with chores, homework, and even contributions to the community. However, the relational dependence should continue: inter-dependence, being a part of a team, meeting others’ needs and empathizing with others’ feelings.

Overall, some anxiety is a normal part of child development. Fears are natural and normal at any stage. Wise parents neither shelter their child from all fearful situations, nor expose them to dangers and traumatize the child. Being a good role-model, by facing one’s own fears, teaching coping skills, slowly exposing the child to the feared situation, and encouraging the child to try new things are the best ways to help a child of any age through anxiety.

Faith Gallup is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with her own private practice called Northlight Counseling, in Gurnee and Long Grove, IL. She received her Master’s in Social Work in 1996, has been married for 19 years, and has one child. She has been helping children and families work through anxieties for over 15 years. For more information, call her at 847-962-5234.

Boundaries with Kids

Faith Gallup — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:52:40 +0000

I’m so excited to start a new Parenting Group called “Boundaries with Kids!” We will be meeting on Saturday mornings, at 9 -1030, starting Sat, May 7 in the Gurnee office. The group will be based on the book and participant’s guide of the same title, written by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book is a fabulous parenting book, exploring the goals of parenting, how to teach children responsibility, power, respect, motivation, pro-activity, and character.

When to say Yes, when to say No, to help your children gain control of their lives, this group addresses the critical issues involved in teaching children responsible behavior, and owning their own feelings, time, chores, strengths and weaknesses.

For anyone in a parenting or teaching role, helping children learn responsibility is a key issue. From temper tantrums and attitude problems, to drugs and sex, learning limits and becoming responsible is a major part of growing up. Kids who haven’t learned these skills often struggle in Relationships, School, Conduct, Work, Spirituality, and Morality.

As any parent knows, simply telling kids to “do the right thing” isn’t enough, and “making them mind” is often futile. Boundaries with Kids helps grown ups teach children how to become stewards of their lives, behavior, and values by establishing healthy boundaries with them. As parents learn to set appropriate boundaries and consequences with children, the children develop:

Ownership of their lives
Discipline and self-control
Respect for others
Love and Freedom

Based on some of the same biblical principals found in the best-selling book “Boundaries” by the same authors, Boundaries with Kids will help your child learn responsibility by teaching you how to:

Recognize the boundary issues underlying child behavior problems
Set boundaries and appropriate consequences with kids
Get out of the “nagging” trap
Stop controlling your child, and start helping him develop self-control
Apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting
Take six practical steps for implementing boundaries with your kids

The cost of all 8 sessions is only $80 (that’s $10 per session – what a steal!). You will have to purchase the book and participant’s guide, available by clicking here. I will repeat this group starting in September, but prices will double. Pre-Registration is required, so reserve your seat today, as space is limited. Call me directly at 847-962-5234. I look forward to seeing you at this parenting group! Sincerely, Faith Gallup, LCSW

Self-Care is a Necessity

Faith Gallup — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 17:36:27 +0000

Do you ever get so busy that you neglect to take care of yourself? You know, taking care of kids, parents, friends, business, the house, but not allowing down-time for yourself? Do you know why they say on the airplane to put on your oxygen mask first, before helping others? It’s so you don’t pass out!! Self-care is like that. Sleep, Exercise and maintaining good Boundaries are just a few ways to take good care of yourself.

Sleep: The brain replenishes chemicals necessary for good mental health while we sleep. Serotonin in the brain is replenished while we sleep, and it is responsible for impulse-control during our awake hours. Aha! If we are impulsively eating, or impulsively yelling at the kids, maybe we need to get more sleep. Kids need apx. 8-12 hours of sleep, depending on their age. Do you get enough sleep? I personally need about 9 hours of sleep for optimal health. You could do an experiment, to find out your best sleep time: get up at the same time every day for 4 weeks (yes, holidays and weekends, too). You will find that you start to get tired at a specific time range in the evenings. That is your body telling you to go to bed.

Exercise: Fights depression, anxiety, mood swings, abnormal eating patterns, builds muscles, burns fat. Even if you only exercise 10 minutes a day, it is better than nothing. Getting that heart beating about 80% of its capacity for about 30 minutes or more, 3-4 times per week is recommended. Find something that is FUN for you! There’s a reason they call it “recreation.” You get to re-create yourself. You remember that you are more than a human doing. You are a human being.

Boundaries: Saying No to too many things in your schedule, not caving in to your kids’ whining, and being self-disciplined to live out your values is all part of good self-care. You can learn to tolerate the anxiety that comes when others are trying to manipulate you into their mold. You can learn to allow the other person to be upset with you. Your self-worth is not based on their thoughts about you. Those guilt messages are mostly untrue.

Put your oxygen mask on first, then help the others around you. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. For more ideas on taking good care of yourself, let me help you. If you have anxiety, guilt, depression, or need to work on developing your boundaries, call me at 847-962-5234, or email me at JFaith@NorthlightCounseling.com