That’s why I immediately agreed to help Thierry Koehrlen in his On the Road To Honesty campaign and Family kit. Learning to be bright about honesty makes a very big difference in a kid’s future (and an adult’s future, too!), and can make the difference between a life of success or struggle.

We all know the truth is important, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, as I explain in my new book, “Triggers: Becoming the Person You Want to Be,” (with Mark Reiter, Crown, 2015). Instead of facing our shortcomings head on, we tend to rationalize why we didn’t do what we know we really should. We invent convenient lies, or “belief triggers,” as I call them, which allow us to avoid the difficult work involved with changing our behavior.

My hope is that identifying some of the most common and pernicious belief triggers will help you recognize them in yourself – and set you on a path to growth and change.

1. If I understand, I will do.

We often assume that if we understand what to change, we will automatically make that change. In reality, there’s often a deep chasm between understanding and doing.

2. I have willpower and won’t give in to temptation.

The willpower we assume when we set a goal rarely measures up to the willpower we display in working toward that goal. Underestimating temptation is fatal (as Odysseus knew when he plugged his ears with wax to avoid hearing the seductive, deadly song of the Sirens).

3. Today is a special day.

When we want to make an excuse for errant behavior, any day can be designated as a “special day.” We yield to impulse because today is the Super Bowl, my birthday or National Cookie Day (Dec. 4, if you don’t already know).

4. ‘At least I’m better than…’

In a down moment after failure or loss, we tell ourselves, “At least I’m better than _______.” These comparisons are soothing but ultimately unhelpful.

5. I shouldn’t need help and structure.

One of our most dysfunctional beliefs is our contempt for simplicity and structure. When we presume that we are better than people who need structure, we lack one of the most crucial ingredients for change: humility.

6. I won’t get tired and my enthusiasm will not fade.

We seldom recognize that self-control is a limited resource. We should begin with the knowledge that the sheer effort of sticking with a plan will deplete our resources.

7. I have time all the time in the world.

We chronically underestimate the time it takes to get anything done. And we believe that time is open-ended and sufficiently spacious for us to get to all our self-improvement goals eventually. (Ha! I’ve been promising myself that this is the year I’ll read “War and Peace” – for 43 consecutive years.)

8. I won’t get distracted and nothing unexpected will occur.

When we make plans, we expect to live in a perfect world where we’re left alone to focus on our work. Although this has never happened in the past, we plan as if this nirvana-like world will surely exist in the future.

9. An epiphany will suddenly change my life.

An epiphany implies that change can arise out of a sudden burst of insight and willpower. I’m skeptical of any instant conversion experience. It might produce change in the short run, but nothing meaningful or lasting – because the process is based on impulse rather than strategy, hopes and prayers rather than structure.

10. My change will be permanent and I will never have to worry again.

We set a goal and mistakenly believe that achieving it will produce lasting happiness – and that we will never regress. If only this were true.  My research involving more than 86,000 respondents around the world, “Leadership is a Contact Sport,” paints a different picture. If we don’t follow up, our positive change doesn’t last. It’s the difference between, say, getting in shape and staying in shape. Even when we get there, we cannot stay there without commitment and discipline. We have to keep going to the gym – forever.

11. Once my problems are solved, no new problems will crop up.

Even if we appreciate that no change will provide a permanent solution to our problems, we forget that as we usher an old problem out the door, a new problem usually enters.

12. My efforts will be fairly rewarded.

From childhood we are brought up to believe that life is supposed to be fair. Our noble efforts and good works will be rewarded. When we are not properly rewarded we feel cheated. My take: getting better is its own reward. If we do that, we can never feel cheated.

13. No one is paying attention to me.

We often believe that we can occasionally lapse back into bad behavior because people aren’t paying close attention. Even worse, it’s only half true. While our slow and steady improvement may not be as obvious to others as it is to us, when we revert to our previous behavior, people always notice.

14. If I change, I am “inauthentic.”

Many of us have a misguided belief that how we behave today represents our fixed and constant selves, the authentic us forever. If we change, we are somehow not being true to who we really are. We refuse to adapt our behavior to new situations because, “It isn’t me.”

15. I have the wisdom to assess my own behavior.

We tend to credit ourselves for our victories and blame external forces or other people for our losses. We’re convinced that while other people consistently overrate themselves, our own self-assessment is fair and accurate.

Facing these 15 convenient lies, or belief triggers, can help both kids and adults as they take on the tough task of changing their behavior for the better.

As Thierry Koehrlen points out, this kind of self-accounting isn’t just a good thing to do, it’s also a smart thing to do – because it clears away the misapprehensions and unhelpful behaviors that keep us from a better, brighter future.

Reading (and re-reading) this list often will help you on your personal road to honesty – and toward the wonderful benefits it offers.

 Dr. Marshall Goldsmith is a renowned business educator and coach  who  was recognized as the most influential leadership thinker in the  world at  the Thinkers50 Conference in London. Worldwide he has sold  more than 2  million books. His latest is “Triggers: Becoming the Person  You Want to Be” (triggersthebook.com) is currently on the New York  Times Best sellers list.

Cet article 15 lies we tell ourselves (by Marshall Goldsmith) est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

To make some good buzz, we use the power of Thunderclap: Thunderclap is a tool that lets a message be heard when you and your friends say it together. Think of it as an “online flash mob.” Join a Thunderclap, and you and others will share the same message at the same time, spreading an idea through Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr that cannot be ignored.

And it works! Thunderclap messages have reached over 3.5 billion people in 238 countries and territories. It’s the world’s first crowdspeaking platform, and over 3 million people have donated their social reach for ideas and causes that matter.

It’s totally free and safe for you & your social network and it only takes a few clicks to do. But your clicks will have a much bigger impact for our let’s raise bright honest children message.

So let’s make our honesty campaign for families & communities in the top 25 Thunderclap campaigns.

Step 1: Click support

Go to my project page here www.thunderclap.it

and scroll down a little bit until you see this:

SECOND step:

And last Step

(except if you have both twitter and faceboof and in that case, would you do this quick process a second time???? thank you so much!!!!)

Here you go, very simple for you but HUGE impact for our teaching honesty to kids project.

You can also share this page with our social buttons (see below) so your friends & followers can read and use this short tutorial.

Thank you again, I really appreciate it!

Thierry

Cet article In seconds let’s create the buzz about Teaching Honesty to kids in a Fun & Smart way est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

Je lance une campagne de buzz / publicité pour mon livre d’enfants (7 à 10 ans) sur l’honnêteté “On the Road toHonesty”.

Il permettra de changer complètement la manière dont les parents et éducateurs vont enseigner le mensonge, la vérité, l’honnêteté et la confiance aux enfants.

Pour faire du buzz j’utilise une solution très simple d’utilisation nommée Thunderclap qui permet de partager des projets avec ses amis Facebook.

L’avantage de ce système est que le message est envoyé à tous les amis facebook en une seule fois et donc de créer du buzz en une seule fois.

Pour soutenir mon projet avec Thunderclap il suffit d’avoir un compte Facebook, de 3-4 clicks et de quelques secondes.

Les premiers supporters ont déjà agi.

Merci d’avance pour votre aide précieuse.

Cliquez sur le lien suivant:

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/24189-ontheroadtohonesty-for-kids?locale=fr

Puis descendez légèrement dans la page et cliquez le bouton rouge “Support avec Facebook”

Puis on vous demandera de vous connecter via Facebook si ce n’est pas déjà le cas.

Un chiffre vert va apparaitre

et cliquez en dessous sur “Partager Facebook”

Tapez un petit message du style: “Merci d’aidez Thierry à faire connaitre son livre pour enfant sur la vérité et le mensonge. Voici le lien www.ontheroadtohonesty.com/?p=754”

Encore merci d’avance

Tous ensemble, faisons beaucoup de bruits pour aider à enseigner l’honnêteté aux enfants avec juste quelques clics.

Thierry

Cet article Merci de faire connaitre mon projet de livre sur l’honnêteté pour enfant (mode d’emploi) est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

You can now discover the early preview of my

“On the Road to Honesty” for kids – the Family kit

and register to get notified when I launch it.

Click here to access the kit overview!

Cet article My upcoming On the Road to Honesty for Kids / The Family Kit est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

Reading her account of a Hollywood producer who lied about presenting Dianna’s reality TV show proposal to a major studio, reminded me of just how easy it is to be deceived. And how smart, savvy, normally skeptical people like Dianna (and you and I) find it so difficult to spot a liar.

Recognizing that we are being lied to is an important social and business skill. But surprisingly small factors – where we meet someone, what they wear, what their voices sound like, whether their posture mimics ours, if they mention the names of people we know or admire – can enhance their credibility to the extent that it actually nullifies our ability to make sound judgments about them. Our own unconscious biases, vanities, self-deceptions and desires only add to the hijacking of our reason. When we put our faith in a co-worker we don’t really know or hire someone we haven’t properly investigated, (or give $25,000 to a seemingly influential man), we almost always do so for reasons of which we are completely unaware.

Based on content from “The Truth About Lies in the Workplace: How to Spot Liars and What to Do About Them,” here are six reasons why we suck at spotting liars:

1. We trust people just because they remind us of ourselves.

There is a well-known principle in social psychology that people define themselves in terms of social groupings: Any group that people feel part of is an “in-group” and any group that excludes them an “out-group.” (You know, it’s the “us” and “them” division.)

Similarities make us feel comfortable. We assume we know what in-group people are like – they’re good people, like we are! Differences, on the other hand, make us a little wary. When we see people as part of an out-group, we are more likely to judge them as untrustworthy. Deceivers with whom we have things in common are much more likely to gain our trust – regardless of how little they may deserve it.

2. We disbelieve people who act “inappropriately.”

We have a tendency to make judgments about another person’s integrity based on our ideas of appropriate behavior. This shows up in lie detection when we believe that we know how we’d act if we were telling the truth – and that other truthful people would/should behave the same way. In reality, there is no universal behavior that signals deception or honesty. People are individuals with their own unique set of verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Which is why establishing a person’s baseline (their normal body language and speech patterns under relatively stress-free circumstances) is so important when trying to separate truthfulness from deceit.

3. We are far less skeptical of attractive, charming people.

Unfair though it may be, and even if we proclaim otherwise, we judge people by their appearance. And we automatically assign favorable traits to good-looking people, judging them to be more likeable, competent, and honest than unattractive people.

The term “halo effect,” coined by psychologist E. L. Thorndike, is a cognitive bias in which our perception of one desirable trait in a person can cause us to judge that person more positively overall. When a con artist is charming (and most of them are), we tend automatically to believe that he/she is also perceptive, candid, and totally on our side.

4. We instinctively distrust people with low eyebrows.

By studying people’s reactions to a range of artificially generated faces, researchers in Princeton’s psychology department found that faces with high inner eyebrows, pronounced cheekbones, and a wide chin struck people as trustworthy.Conversely, faces with low inner brows, shallow cheekbones and a thin chin were deemed untrustworthy.

Of course, you and I realize that eyebrow shapes and cheekbone prominence has no relationship with truth or deception, but unconsciously we override our rational minds to make this instant and instinctive judgment.

5. We look for inaccurate body language “tells.”

The biggest body language myth about liars is that they avoid eye contact. While some liars find it difficult to lie while looking you in the eyes, many liars, especial the most brazen, actually overcompensate to “prove” that they are not lying by making strong, direct eye contact and holding it steadily.

Another popular misconception is that looking to the right indicates lying, while looking left suggests truthfulness. The University of Edinburgh, completed three different studies to show that there was no correlation between the direction of eye movement and whether the subject was telling the truth or lying.

Rapid eye blinks can be mistaken for a sign of deception. And it’s true that when nervous, people blink their eyes more often. But deceivers blink less under the increased mental effort of creating a lie, remembering the lie, inhibiting the truth, and preparing for follow-up questions. A study at Portsmouth University shows that a person’s blink rate slows down as he/she decides to lie and stays low through the lie. Then it increases rapidly (sometimes up to eight times normal rate) after the lie.

We also tend to suspect people who squirm or fidget, believing that their nervousness is a sign of deceit. We forget that the first physical reaction to stress (before the urge to fight or flee) is to freeze – which means that liars may actually reduce movement and gestures – not increase them.

6. We want to believe some lies and liars.

“Invest with me and get rich.”

“This project will give you the experience and exposure you need for that next promotion.”

Maybe.

Or maybe it’s just a less-than-truthful come-on from people who understand that when they tell us exactly what we want to hear, we are more likely to believe them.

Brain-imaging studies show that when we have a personal stake in the outcome of any event, our brains automatically include our desires and aspirations in our assessments. The process is called motivated reasoning, and it utilizes a different physical pathway in the brain (one that includes parts of the limbic system) than the pathway used when we are objectively analyzing data.

Subliminally, we are all highly susceptible to the power of self-interest. But, because motivated reasoning is unconscious, we may sincerely believe that we are making unbiased choices when we are really making decisions that are self-serving. So when Dianna heard that she might be getting her own reality TV show — or when any of us accept an attractive lie at face value — it may have as much to do with an unconscious self-interest as it does with the liar’s skill at deception.

Then there is our susceptibility to flattery, which stems from a simple desire to feel good about ourselves. We can be unduly influenced by liars who first butter us up with compliments about our intellect, taste in clothing, sense of humor, personal charm. After all, we reason, they are right about those things, so they are probably just as accurate about everything else they tell us.

While honesty may be the best policy (check out The International Honesty Campaign for more on that topic), we will never totally eliminate lying. That doesn’t mean we should be distrustful of everyone we meet. In fact, a study at the University of Toronto found those who are inclined to trust people are less likely to get duped. But we also shouldn’t blindly trust just because someone is attractive, charming, influential, or looks a lot like us. Probably the best advice is the old adage, “trust, but verify.”

(Note: In order to support us and give visibility to our Honesty Awareness Campaign, Carol originally agreed to write this article in Forbes Magazine )

Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D. is an international keynote speaker at corporate, government, and association events. Contact Carol by phone: 510-526-1727, email: Carol@CarolKinseyGoman, or through her website: www.CarolKinseyGoman.com.

Cet article Why We Suck At Spotting Liars (by Carol Kinsey Goman) est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

It makes you wonder just how skilled you are at detecting deception and liars, right?

Imagine the personal gains one could accomplish if they were able to recognize lies and people who lie to them.

Luckily for us, Carol Kinsey Goman, an authority on the link between effective leadership and nonverbal communication is helping us to recognize liars by participating in our honesty awareness campaign.

But before you read her article, answer quick 3 self dicovery questions on how good you are at spotting liars (it only takes 15 seconds and it’s anonymous). Carol’s article link will be provided at the end of the questions. Do it and then read her article, it can make a difference in your life.

It will be fascinating to see the answers statistics. I will share them once we have enough data.

And please share the questions link and this article as much as possible in your network so we can collect more data (so far results are quite surprising). Also I would love to hear your comments and experience about spotting liars.

Thank you for reading my post. As the On the Road to Honesty awareness campaign is getting started, I will regularly write about lies, truth, (kind) honesty, deception and will host other experts & writers articles. Feel free to connect via Twitter, and Linkedin.

Also, thank you David Fletcher for the unique cartoon on how to spot a liar created for our campaign and for this article.

———————————————————————————————————

Thierry Koehrlen is the founder and editor of the On the Road to Honesty Awareness campaign & Honesty day and he is also the co-author of the upcoming Truth kit for children and parents.

Cet article How skilled do you think you are at detecting someone lying? est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.

To lie is to intentionally say something that isn’t true, whether you do it leaving out the truth, or by saying something that you know is untrue.  Do you understand how lies work?  Do you really know how much you lie yourself?  What about the ways the lies in your life influence you?  Let’s take a journey for a moment, and seek to learn more about the TRUTH behind lying.

Let’s begin by dividing lying up into a few basic types.  First, there are the “white lies” that people tell each other to grease the wheels of society.  These likes are things like saying, “I’m doing fine,” when someone asks how you are, even when you’re really not.  The distinguishing fact about this kind of lie is that it doesn’t contain any REAL deception.  Between strangers, these little lies exist to help make it easier to relate with people.

But already, these so-called “insignificant” white lies could already be segmented into different sizes, depending on their significance.  For example, the same white lie is much more significant if the other person is looking for a real answer, because you matter to him or her, or if there is something important going on that you fail to tell.  So even these white lies can sometimes be damaging.  We’ll talk some more about that in a moment.

Most people don’t even realize how often they use these kinds of lies.  How many times do you lie on a daily basis?  Have you ever counted?  You might be surprised by the results if you did.  A very interesting study by Dr. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. in Psychology, indicated that among the 147 people studied, there were 1535 lies told over a week, and people lied to about a third of everyone they interacted with in that time.  This comes out to an average of one or two lies per day and 365 to 700 lies per year. Lies add up quickly over time and with the number of people. Where do you stand on that scale?

Next, let’s look at some lies that are a little more deceptive.  When your friend asks if they look good in their new jeans, and you say “Yes,” even when it’s not true, you probably feel like it’s one of those little white lies, but it’s already a more significant one.  You’re only saying it to make your friend feel good, which seems like a pretty fine reason, from the start.

What you DON’T realize is the potential chain events and vicious circle that this lie can create.  Let’s zoom in and let’s pick one frequently encountered kind of situation that could come next.  Suppose you just finished your white lie, and someone else comes up to your friend, who asks them the same question.  And the other person tells the truth, “Sorry but these jeans don’t suit you at all.”  Now your friend will just use your answer, the more attractive one, and will question the truth.  Then, what do you do?  Do you stand by your lie by telling more or do you recognize it.  Maybe you lie that you didn’t get a good look.  Often in a white lie, when someone new tells the truth, we feel awkward and everyone else feels it too.  Even if they ask someone else an hour later and get an honest answer, they could come back to you.

Of course if there really is a problem with the way the jeans fit, you can imagine the kind of consequences it could have for your friend.  You see, even with a white lie like this, you can end up embarrassing, potentially humiliating, and alienating someone you care about.

The truth is, even the SMALLEST lies can damage the lives of people you love and care about, even if you tell them with the very best intentions.  And they can damage YOUR life too.  Imagine now another situation in which your friend just goes out with the jeans on.  What happens when your friend comes back, having been made the subject of jokes or humiliation by strangers, who didn’t value her feelings as much as you did.  Your friend is going to feel hurt, and angry that you didn’t tell the truth, and it’s going to degrade your relationship.

That’s why there’s a thing called tact.  Tact is an the art of delivering the truth in a way that is diplomatic, and spares the feelings of the people involved, even when the truth is hurtful. Isaac Newton described it by saying that “Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”  Tact serves as the more positive alternative to this kind of dishonesty.  Tact is actually a form of kind honesty. How much do you know about being tactful?  Do you practice the art of being diplomatically honest?

Let’s look a little closer at the way lies can damage your life.

First of all, they can definitely damage your relationships, especially if they are more deceitful and manipulative than the example already given.  Secondly, lying can act as a sort of gateway into moral and ethical decay, and sometimes lead to serious crimes that result in jail time or worse.  If you don’t believe it, all you have to do is look to the news.  All the time, you can see successful, famous people fall because of what started as just a small lie. Are you letting lies corrupt your life?  Are they enticing you to greater lies?  To find out is very simple: are there already some uncovered lies that you told that you wouldn’t want anybody in your life to know?  If so, there is a strong chance you would lie more about them until you get stuck and have to confess.

Perhaps the next thing to consider is the other side of the coin, when YOU’RE the one who is being lied to.  In an environment where everyone is lying about little things, and a lot of people and a lot of sources are lying about BIG things, how do you tell whether you can trust someone?  How do you know when someone is telling the truth?  What are the signs that you’re being manipulated by someone else?

The first place to look might be in something called micro-expressions.  Micro-expressions are flashes of your true feelings that happen almost instantly when you tell a lie.  Dr. Paul Eckman is the pioneer of micro-expression and lie-detecting research, and he has developed a system for codifying these expressions.  If you know what to look out for, you can use micro-expressions to detect when someone is lying.  This isn’t a simple “lie/truth” process though, and involves a little interpretation.  For example, if someone tries to convince you to accept a gift from them, but they flash a micro-expression of contempt, it’s a pretty safe bet that their gift won’t be something pleasant.  How much do you know about micro-expressions?  Can you recognize them when they occur?  Do you know how to interpret them?  Can you use them to detect lies? Do you know if you can always spot a liar if you were trained to recognize them?  We’ll answer that in another upcoming article.

At the end of the day, most people don’t actually know very much about the way truth and lies actually work in their life, or in their minds.  Most people are perfectly happy to rationalize the lies they tell, and move on. Most people aren’t clear enough or tactful enough when they’re telling the truth.  But with all the damage lies can actually do to a person, and to the people around them, it pays to be curious, and want to learn more.  In the next few days, we’re going to release a couple of self-discovery articles and questions.

Our Honesty awareness campaign is a great place to start.  Why not check it out, and see the benefits for yourself?  We guarantee that if you actually read and answer them truthfully, you could learn a lot and get a much clearer picture of where you stand on truth and lies, how to talk to people more effectively and more honestly, and to be more truthful with yourself too.  It could change your life and other people’s lives around you.

Subscribe to our site now so you don’t miss future articles and let us know what you think!

This article was written by Arlo Horner and Thierry Koehrlen was co-author & content director

Cet article What’s Your Lying IQ? est apparu en premier sur On The Road to Honesty.