Not A Blank Space

Dear Tricia...

2011-08-21T00:57:00.002-04:00

To My Dear Friend Tricia,

I have been thinking about you all week. It's been one week exactly since I found out about your sudden passing. I'm not really sure where to start...

I saw pictures of your perfect little son, Charlie. He looks a lot like you, and a lot like your husband Kevin. He has so much hair and has a sweetness about him. It seems so unfair that it has to be this way. There are moments in life when I have to ask God, "Why? I just don't understand this." And this one just doesn't make any sense to me. It was just a week before you were going to be induced that we had "talked" through facebook. I asked you if you had your baby yet, and you replied saying not yet but soon and that you and Kevin were enjoying your last moments together before becoming 3. It wasn't long before this that you shared with me the happy news that you were expecting and how excited you were about being a mom. I said a road trip to Chicago would be in the making to meet your little one.
It has been years since we have seen each other. But you were one of those friends. You know, the one where it could be years since seeing each other but once we are together it's like we were never apart. We became really close friends the summer I was getting ready to go to college and you were starting your senior year in high school. We shared a love for music, reading magazines, drinking coffee, shopping at the same stores, eating the same foods, watching episodes of friends and talking about Ross and Rachel...I still went to church at KPCMD during my college years so we still got to see each other often and even sing a few duets at church during offertory time. I think our first duet together was "Power of Your Love" but I'm not 100% sure. We also sang "You Are Wonderful" and "In Moments Like Theses." I was always so nervous about singing in front of people but you were so comfortable and had a way of making me feel at ease. You were the better singer but never made me feel that way. In fact, you should have always sung the melody but I could not find the harmony for the life of me. So, I ended up singing all the melodies while you harmonized. I am still horrible at finding the harmony. I've gotten a little better, but it takes me a while. You never once complained.

I remember when you were diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome. I didn't really understand what it was or what it meant for you. I knew it had to do with the kidneys and that you had to be on a special medicine for it. I remember how you struggled with the side affects of the pills. But you were so strong and still such a beautiful person. I loved that about you. You hated taking pictures during this time, and understandably. This is the time when you and I were hanging out all the time- movies, shopping, eating, etc... You became my best friend during these times. I don't know how you were able to put up with all my stupid crushes and relationships. But you stuck by me, lend me your ear, and gave me advice I wish I would have followed. Even during my stupidity, you still loved me through it all.

I remember when you went to Hope College and how excited you were to start this new chapter in your life. I missed you when you left. I had a new life too, but I always missed you. I remember visiting you there and meeting some of your new friends. I admit, I was a little jealous :). And then a group of us went to see your recital and you just blew all of us away. You were no longer the pretty face with a pretty voice, but you became a beautiful woman with a voice full of heart and beauty. I was so proud of you. I'll never forget that gorgeous blue gown that you wore. You had 2 other gowns that evening but the blue one was my favorite.

After your freshman year of college and my sophomore year, we were reunited again in the summer. We were together any chance we could get. We would hang out with different groups of people, but we were always together no matter which group we hung out with. Whether it was with Hak-Chul and his friends, YAG, friends in Ann Arbor, or whoever, we were there together. And we did this the following summer too...

It was just a couple of years later that I made the decision to move to Toledo, Oh. You know the many different reasons I chose to move here. Probably not the best reasons to make the move, but it ended up being a very God thing to do for me. After I moved here, you and I just lost touch with one another. I know you moved on to U of M to continue your studies in music. I made a new life here and focused on getting my life together by building a better relationship with God. At one point we met up and you told me about Kevin...this wonderful guy you met who you felt was going to be the one. I was so excited for you. You told me how well he treats you, how many similarities you both had and that he lived in Chicago. I couldn't wait to meet this guy who had swept you off your feet! And then we lost touch...again.

So, a couple of years went by and I got engaged to my husband Mark. I knew I had to find you and invite you to the wedding. Part of me struggled with sending you the invitation because it was a no brainer back then that we would be in each other's weddings. We used to sit and read through bridal magazines together, comparing the dresses and bridesmaid dresses while drinking frappaccino's (your's with extra ice and mine with less ice). When I saw you at my wedding I was so happy. And finally, I got to meet your Kevin. We joked saying "you do exist!" I wish I could have spent more time with you both then. I didn't realize that that would be the last time I would ever see you again. That was 8 years ago...

It wasn't until 2007 when I joined facebook that we were once again connected. Finally, I found my dear friend Tricia. And what's this?!?! You're married?!?! UUUGGGHHH!!! I couldn't believe I missed your wedding day. You had said how you tried to find me so many times from so many different people and no one knew where I was. I feel so awful about that. I should have tried harder to stay in touch. I looked through your wedding pictures and just teared up. The one of your dad walking you down the aisle made me cry. You were a beautiful bride. And you looked so incredibly happy.

By then I had my first son Benjamin who was about to turn 2 and I was pregnant with my second son, Nathaniel. Talk about surprises! In the 4 years we were absent from one another you had gotten married, traveled various places living out your dream as a performing opera singer and I became a stay at home mom with a husband who travels as a drummer in a Christian band for a living. Wow. We did pretty good for a while there on facebook keeping in touch, commenting on pictures and whatnot.

When I found out I was pregnant with my third and that it was yet another boy, you had shared with me the news of your pregnancy. I can't tell you how excited I was that we were going to have babies in the same year! Just a few months apart from each other. I mentioned a road trip to Chicago this fall...

On August 4th I went to your facebook page for any updates and saw your check-in at the hospital. On August 6th I went back to your facebook page to see if you had posted a picture of the little one. There was no picture, but many words from friends of yours. I just stared at the words trying to make sense of what they were all saying. It didn't make any sense to me. I read them all, one by one, trying to understand what they all meant. I started to panic and pray. I contacted a few different people asking if they knew what the heck was going on and/or happened. When the news came I just broke down. How could this happen to my very treasured friend...

It has been exactly two weeks since I found out about your passing. I have thought about you daily. I have tried to make sense of this and I just can't. I think about your husband and your son. I think about your parents and your siblings. I find myself being sad over and over again by your death. But I know that's not what you would want...

You lived your life with joy, laughter, trust, strength, honesty, purity, and even goofiness. These are the characteristics I know your son will have as he grows older. I will make you a promise that I will remember your husband and son in my prayers. I will pray that they will seek God on a daily basis, that God will just show up when they need Him, and that His love will be felt in every moment of every day. I can't imagine how hard it must be to know God's love when something like this can happen. But faith and trust tells me that God's love is more reachable than ever, especially during moments like these.

Tricia, I will miss you dearly. Even if it's been 8 years since we have last seen one another, I always considered you a very close, dear friend. Thank you for being a friend that I needed for so many years. I love you. Until we meet again...

love,
Susan

"Can We Talk For A Little?"

2010-09-03T13:35:00.000-04:00

Wow. I was told that once we had children of our own time would just fly by. How fast I had no idea. But today I am realizing that the last 5 and a half years have flown by quicker than I had thought they would, or had wanted them to.

Today, Ben started his life long journey of school. Today, Ben started kindergarten.

I am not doing so well. Last night I lost it and started balling while packing his backpack and thinking about his lunch for the next day. It didn't help that his preschool picture was hanging on our fridge, staring at me with those oh so cute cheeks, innocent smile, and loving eyes. UGH!

This morning at 6:45, Ben came into our bedroom and woke me up. He looked at me wide eyed and said, "Mommy? Can we talk for a little?" I said, "Sure honey."

So, we headed downstairs, sat on the couch and these were his questions to me:

- What am I going to do at kindergarten?

- Is it all day? Like when are you going to pick me up?

- Why is daddy going to be there at my lunch? (Mark volunteered during lunch time to help the other kindergarten teachers get the kids situated since this is so new for all the kids).

- Can you talk to me more about kindergarten?

- What's my locker?

- Are there going to be centers like art and food like at my preschool?

I answered each question the best I could. I asked him if he was scared and he said "yeah, but don't tell my teacher." I promised I wouldn't :) I told him that I remembered when I started kindergarten how I was nervous and scared but once I started making some friends I couldn't wait to go! I told him that Daddy was really shy when he was little and was scared about going to school too. But then he also met some friends and he loved his teacher so after no time Daddy loved kindergarten too. This seemed to make Ben feel better.

So, I made Ben his favorite breakfast (pancakes with a little extra butter...mmmmmm...butterrrrrr....) and poured him a glass of milk. Then I made him his lunch and packed his lunchbox and put a special note in there. Mark came home from volunteering and told me that Ben's teacher Mr.Rethman helped Ben read the note and told Mark that he was happy to see that moms still do that. I thought every mom did that still! I remember my sisters leaving me random notes in my lunches and how special it made me feel :) They were the best!

I can't wait to pick Ben up from school and hear all about his great day. Mark said that Ben looked like he was having a blast and didn't even ask to come home with him. That made me feel so relieved! I was so worried about my little guy.

God is so good. I love how He orchestrated this from the start. I love that we sold our house in Toledo just in time to start a new chapter in our lives in Sylvania. I love that Ben loves his school. I love our new house and this neighborhood. I am so very thankful.

And I miss my Ben.

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

2010-05-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

So...usually I like to write about things that I feel God has put on my heart or things that make me proud enough to want to share it. Well, today I'm going to do the opposite-I'm going to unleash the beast, the beast that I call 'the mommy beast.' The beast escaped yesterday and I admit she is not a pretty thing. My kids were driving me crazy, I couldn't keep the house in order, they were being wild and whiny, and I just had to get out of the house. So, I gathered the boys, placed them in the mini van, and tried to decide where to take them. I sat there wondering where to go. Ben then says he really really really wants to go to Burger King because they have new Marmaduke toys there. Not what I had in mind but sure, why not. So, we drove down the street to Burger King and sure enough the guy behind the counter messed up our order. 2 kids meals with chicken tenders should not be that difficult to place. But, whatever. I smiled, corrected his mistake (which he did not appreciate), and then we sat down. Once we sit I realize we don't have any straws, napkins or ketchup. I get up and get the straws, napkins and ketchup. I sit back down. Ben says "where's my ranch?" The guy forgot to give us ranch. I get back up, go to the counter where the guy is helping someone else. I wait patiently, feeling the beast about to unleash herself. I wait. I look over at the kids who are laughing about something. I wait. Finally he looks over at me and says "You need something?" I told him we were missing our ranch. He basically threw them across the counter towards me. Jerk. I walk back to the table and give the boys their ranch. Finally, I get to start eating. Uh, nope. Nate just spilled his chocolate milk all over the table and floor. I get back up, grab a crap load of napkins and clean up the mess. I wanted to cry. The spilt milk almost made me cry. Whoever wrote the saying "don't cry over spilt milk" must have been a mom talking to herself. Once the mess is cleaned up, I finally take my first bite of my value meal. By that time the boys are almost done eating and they are getting restless. I ate half of my dinner and gather the boys and head back to the mini van. On the way to the van Nate stops in his tracks and starts to take his shoes off. What the heck? I say to him, "Come on Nate, let's go home!" He says, "No! No! Nooooo! Boo boo!" I walk over to him and look at his feet which are fine. I put his shoe back on and carry him to the van. We drive home. On the way home the boys are fighting about something (I didn't quite catch onto what they were fighting about) and I just lost it. The beast came out. I started yelling. I told them to stop fighting and be quiet. My yelling scared Nate so bad he started crying. The kind of crying that takes his breath away and then proceeds with a loud ear piercing screech. Ugh. He cried all the way home. The 5 minute drive felt like 30, at least. We get home and Nate is refusing to get out of the van. I pick him up and carry him to the house while he is kicking and screaming. We get inside and I put him down where he threw a temper tantrum only a 2 year old can do (which I secretly wish I could get away with doing at times). After about 10 minutes he finally stops, finds me and Ben, and crawls in my lap to cuddle. That's when I took a deep breath, soaked in the moment, and hugged him tight. Once he felt safe again he crawled down from my lap to play with Ben.
I hate the beast. The kids hate the beast. Mark hates the beast. I'm sure God isn't proud of me when I become the beast. There are just days when the beast comes out. I hope I don't see the beast again for a very long time. Or at least hope that the beast will be a little more tame next month ;)

My Sun and My Moon

2010-04-24T23:18:00.001-04:00

I was watching my boys play today. They amaze me. They could not be any more different and I love that about them. I mean, I really really really love that about them.

Ben is my sweetheart, my calm, my smile, my no veggies eater, loves bread and noodles, he can eat a bag of chocolates without getting sick, the one who doesn't like to disappoint anyone, thoughtful, insightful, the one who loves to hold my hand, likes to make me proud, wants to be an apartment builder when he grows up, so smart, has always been in the 75th percentile for both weight and height, looks just like Mark, has my hair and my brown eyes, have I mentioned how sweet he is? He is so so so sweet. I look at my Ben and my heart just melts with love and sweetness.

Nate...he is my non-stop laugh machine, makes funny noises, loves popsicles and candy, his preference of food is meat and anything packed full of flavor, he is not a morning guy, he is my funny stinker, loves tormenting Ben, picks up on things quickly, looks just like me, has Mark's blonde hair and blue eyes, he is only in the 10th percentile for his weight and 50th for his height (what a peanut!), he sucks on his forefinger and middle finger while sniffing his stuffed puppy's ear when he is tired and ready to nap, which makes me laugh because he is such a little weirdo! When I look at Nate my heart laughs and melts with joy and wonder. I love that little guy.

They are my sun and my moon. I cannot be a mother without either of them. They both bring out different things in me that make me so very grateful to God. It's so amazing how Mark and I can possibly have two boys who look and behave so differently! After Ben was born I was convinced all our kids would look like Ben...handsome, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, slight rosy cheeks, etc... but when Nate came out and I saw him for the first time I was just stunned. "Is that blonde hair?!?!" I must admit I thought he was one funky little sweet freak. Haha!! Now that Nate is 2, I'm seeing more clearly how different his personality is from Ben's. How is that possible?!?! They are both a result of me and Mark so how can they be so different? It's a mystery to me, but there's really nothing to solve. In the end they are my wonderful boys and I wouldn't change a thing about either of them.

Another "Mom-ent"

2010-04-14T23:43:00.000-04:00

I recently saw an episode of the new show "Parenthood" and was intrigued. One couple in particular had struggles that I think a lot of us "married with kids folk" go through.

He has stresses from a job.

She has stresses from home life.

He wants to find himself after losing himself to his career.

She misses her career but finds herself doting on her children.

They are losing themselves in one another.

The space between them is getting wider and wider.

And so goes life.

One scene from the actual movie has stuck with me for a while...it's when Steve Martin and his movie bride find out they are having another baby. They argue and in the midst of the argument, Steve Martin yells, "MY WHOLE LIFE IS 'HAVE TO'!!!!"

I must be honest and say that Mark and I have gone through this exact scenario. Mark will spend weeks at a time being on the road, talking to an endless crowd of people, sleeping in a bunk with the loud motor of a bus beneath him, being told where to go, and hardly finding the time to just breathe on his own. When he comes home, he finds that I have been stressed with the duties of motherhood- wake up, make breakfast, get boys dressed and cleaned up, hurry them into the van, head to work, feed them lunch, take Ben to school, give Nate a nap, pick Ben up, think about dinner, make dinner, clean boys up, get them ready for bed, tuck them in, then do it all again the next day (and maybe find the time to do all the chores as well like laundry, vacuum, dust, clean, pick up toys, clean house for potential buyers, dishes, disinfect bathroom and kitchen, etc...). So, add Mark's load to my load and what do you get? One very tired couple wanting attention and sympathy from the other.

Mark is amazing though. As soon as he walks through the door he gets right in and spends time with the boys. If he sees that I'm cleaning, he will help. I shouldn't complain, but I find myself complaining often. My poor hubby.

I catch myself saying things like, "I need a break from being a housekeeper" or "I need to get away from the kids!!!"

I wonder why that is. I realized while watching "Parenthood" we get so caught up in society's way of thinking- that having kids means losing yourself. In some ways it's true. Having a child changes everything in your life. Your focus becomes your child. My much needed cup of coffee in the morning gets pushed aside for my child's much more needed bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. My lunch with friends gets pushed aside because it's hard to find a sitter in the middle of the day. The extra money we earned this month can no longer be spent on a new pair of jeans or shoes for me, but it will be spent making sure my children are well provided for.

Oh, but what a gift!! To be able to shift my priorities from myself to my family is such a blessing. God chose me to be the wife and mother in this home. That's one job I can't take for granted or slack upon. It's okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and it's okay to need some time for myself. I couldn't function without those moments! I'm sure every wife and mother out there can relate. But, I do need to let go of what society tells me, and let God lead me. I need to be a joyful mom and be a happy wife because God has truly blessed me with them. I need to embrace this place that I am in and enjoy every single moment I have with my boys. They are growing up way too fast. I also need to put down my dish rag and give Mark more hugs. My hubby loves being hugged and I need to make that a priority. I need to tell him more often how proud I am of him and that his hard work doesn't go unnoticed.

Lord, help me to be a better wife and mother. Help me to embrace where You have placed me. Use me and show me how to love You by loving my family better. Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband and boys. In the moments when I'm feeling overwhelmed, help me to just relax and take a moment to say hi to you. Help me to replace my "have to's" with joys. You are my strength and my refuge. Thank you! I love you :)

The Making Of...

2010-03-14T23:44:00.000-04:00

Ben is my little theologian. He has once again sparked a new conversation with me tonight about God. He is five years old and is so curious about the mysteries of God. Tonight as we were driving home from a friend's house, he was pretty quiet in the back seat (which is very out of the ordinary for him). I could tell he was thinking about something, but I didn't want to interrupt the rare silence that I enjoy (a little too much at times). When he finally broke the silence, he asked me, "Mommy, how did God make himself?" I responded by saying, "Well, He's GOD! He didn't have to make himself, He just always existed." Ben responded, "...but how?" I responded, "I don't know honey. God has just always been here." Of course, that sparked my curiosity as well. We live in a world that relies heavily on the timing of things. We mark our calendars with upcoming events, we record births, we have clocks that tell us what time to eat, sleep, work, play, etc...we count the days of our lives. So, the thought of the beginning of God, which is infinite, is hard to grasp, isn't it? I myself just can't comprehend it.

This brought me to the realization that God really really really loves us. He has been here since the beginning, He created everything in and out of sight and He remains the same. He doesn't give up on loving us. Think about it...God has been here since forever ago, which is more than generations and generations and years and years and years and He STILL remains the same ALL DAY LONG because He loves us.

As a parent, I try really hard to show my boys the love of God. We pray every night before going to bed. We sing praises before we say goodnight. I try to teach them what God has taught me, but then there are times like tonight when my children will teach me about God or spark my curiosity about His mysterious ways. I love that. I love learning from my children. I love that God uses them to help me understand Him more intimately.

So, in a nutshell...
-Ben asks me how God made himself
-I answer Ben by saying God just always existed
-I start thinking about what that really means, which blows my mind away
-I realize God must really love me if He's willing to be around for that long and stick around
-I gained new insight today from my 5 year old son

I hope Ben continues to ask questions, that his curiosity for the Lord will be never-ending. I hope he knows how much God loves him as he grows up and finds answers for himself. I hope Nate will do the same. Right now he just wants to know what things are... "Mama? Wa 'dis?" Both my boys are such curious little guys. I love it. I don't want this to ever end...

And that's the making of this mother. Thank you Lord :)

Good-bye Sweetie...

2010-03-02T14:38:00.000-05:00

I hate diets. I have never been one to stick to any particular way of losing weight. My weakness for carbs and sweets always gets the better of me. And here I go again, motivated to do something about the 28 pounds I have gained, two kids and one husband later. That's right, a whole freak'n 28 pounds!

Mark did give me a great motivator yesterday-he said if I can lose 20 pounds he will buy me a new dress from Anthropology. I love looking through their catalogs. I imagine myself in a pretty dress with pretty hair. I do not own anything from that place because they are so expensive!

Losing weight isn't just about looking great, but it's about feeling good about my body and being healthy. I want to set a good example for my boys and teach them that taking care of their bodies is important. This is the body God gave us, and we should honor that and take good care of it. In 1Corinthians 6:19 it says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." Wow. I know that the verses leading to this passage Paul speaks of sexual immorality and therefore we are to honor our bodies by avoiding all things sexually immoral. However, I think this verse speaks volumes in all aspects of our bodies. We need to protect our minds (thoughts), our hearts, and take care of what God has given us. If I fill my body with unhealthy things, is that honoring God with what He has given me? Gosh, this is so hard. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about the oreos in my pantry.

This will definitely be harder than I thought.

It's a good thing I work at the YMCA where I meet many other moms like myself. There they are, working out, taking care of themselves, and setting wonderful examples to their children.

Of course, I do teach a cooking class for kids where we make all sorts of goodies. Yikes.

But...I CAN DO THIS!!!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, no matter what it may be. Even if it's finding the will power to lose a few pounds, because my body is important to me and it's important to God.

Eternal Significance

2010-02-22T08:33:00.001-05:00

One of the best feelings in the world is when a friend says to you, "You are not the only one." I have had some struggles in the last couple of weeks. I find myself yelling at Ben and Nate, losing my patience, wanting things that are expensive that I don't need, and I catch myself saying things like "If I had ____, I would be so much happier." I'm not sure why I get this way from time to time.
Two close families Mark and I know are currently adopting children from Haiti. Vonda Hogle and Sammy & Ashley Adebiyi are both on their journeys to bring their kids home. Their stories on how all this came about is amazing and I can clearly see how God orchestrated the whole thing from the beginning. Sammy has been in Haiti for about a week now trying to get all the documents in place and spending time with their little girl, Bebe, while Ashley has been here in Toledo getting their home ready. She just flew out yesterday evening to Haiti to bring Bebe home with Sammy. I am so excited for their adventure and that they are being a part of God's remarkable story of love. And I must add that this little girl has a BEAUTIFUL voice! Sammy and Ashley's adventure is just beginning! I can't wait to meet Bebe and watch their family grow with God's hand in place.
Vonda will be flying out on March 1st to try to adopt 2 kids she fell in love with. When I listen to her stories and see her eyes fill with tears, I can't help but admire her so much. Her kids' names are Christilove which translates to "the love of Christ" and Dubon translates to "God is good." Vonda is a single mom who just does what God calls her to. Who can not admire her?!?!?
Both are trying to raise money to complete the adoptions. This is where I found myself struggling, which is very hard for me to admit but I'm doing it anyway because I need to learn to humble myself before others. I was talking to Mark about this and without a doubt we wanted to contribute financially for their adoptions. When Mark told me the dollar amount that popped in his head while praying I said, "Ok, let's do it!" However, after a few hours went by, I realized how much that really is and I started thinking about our screen door that recently broke, our dishwasher that decided to stop working, our carpet that needs to be professionally cleaned, a camera I've had my eye on, etc...I completely lost sight of what is really important, which is bringing home 3 orphans who our friends love. I confessed this to Mark saying, "Wow, that's a lot of money now that I think about it. I'm pretty nervous about it since we could really use it right now." His reply was (and the reason I married this man and love him so much), "What is more important than the orphans? This is the only life we have, so why waste it on 'things' when we can do more? We have to think about the eternal significance and do what we can to be a part of what God is doing." WOW. And he is completely right.
Nothing is more important than being a part of God's story. To do what we can to love others and show God's love. To put God's love ahead of our own wants and desires. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4- This is one of Mark's favorite verses. He shared it with me when we were dating back in the day. It played a huge part into our relationship back then and it is playing a huge significance with us right now. My heart doesn't desire a fixed dishwasher so that I don't have to wash them by hand. My heart doesn't desire a fancy camera. My heart doesn't desire a fixed screen door. What my heart does desire is to be closer to my Maker, to follow Him and allow Him to work through me. It's tough, but the eternal significance is what's keeping me in place. And there's no other place I would rather be. All that other stuff can wait.
Please pray for my friends who are on this amazing journey and if you feel like God is leading you to help support them you can e-mail me at susuhappyapple@yahoo.com and I will give you their information. Thanks so much! God bless :)

A Quiet "Mom"ent

2010-02-12T21:55:00.001-05:00

Aaaaahhhhh....I love nights when my boys are in bed early, the house is quiet and I have my comfy clothes on. Times of solitude are essential to my well-being. I know people who need to be around people at all times and I honestly have no idea how they can possibly survive without a moment of peace, quiet and pure solitude.
Tonight I'm feeling thankful. I have little moments during my day that make me proud to be a mom to my two boys. Ben is such a curious little guy right now. He has been asking some pretty interesting questions about God, heaven, school, family, friends, etc...:
"Why is there bad people?"
"Why do I have to go to kindergarten? What is that place?"
"Why are you angry sometimes? Like when you yell at me, you're being angry. Are you angry now?" (This question broke my heart. My reply was "well, sometimes you don't listen to mommy and sometimes I think the only way I can get you to listen is to yell. I'm sorry that mommy yells sometimes and I'll try not to yell, but you have to try to listen more, ok?" His response, "Ok mommy." Again, that response broke my heart too. He is such a great child and I hate that I make him feel like he's not at times. He hates to disappoint people, especially Mark and myself).
"Can you turn your magic ears off?" (hehe, Ben thinks I have magic ears because when he tries to whisper something to Mark he "whispers" REALLY LOUD without realizing it and of course I can hear him).

I love my Ben.

Nate...what a handful! I love that boy from head to toe. He cracks me up from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed at night. He makes being a mommy so much fun! I do wish I knew how to speak his mother language though. He will come up to me, tap me on the arm or leg or stomach and then say "Mama? Mama?" like he has something important to say to me and when I answer "yes?" he will just speak some jibberish and then trot away. If I could describe him I would say that he is a bundle of crazy stubborn joy in a hurricane. And he makes me laugh.

"Mom"ents make me happy. Solitude makes me calm. Right now I am one proud mom enjoying the peace and quiet. I can't wait for tomorrow and see what my boys will come up with. It's always something new. I guess I better go to sleep now so I have the energy to keep up with them tomorrow! :)

My Ben Is 5...

2010-02-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

You were born on February 4th, 2005 @ 3:15 p.m.

You were 8.8 pounds, 21 inches long

I loved meeting you in person and seeing your sweet little face.

My life had a whole new meaning on the day you were born.

This is the first picture of your big smiling face.

You sure loved your daddy whenever he was in your sight.

I couldn't get enough of your smiles!

You smiled all the time!

The first time I heard you laugh my heart exploded with joy.

When you turned one, we bought you your first drum set.

It was loud...just like daddy ;)

When you were two I knew without a doubt I had the cutest toddler in the world.

Look at your face!

I wish I could go back and kiss those cheeks again.

When you were three you amazed me with your personality.

Big changes were coming this year, too. You were going to be a big brother!

I was worried but...

you loved baby Nate from day 1.

You are such a good big brother.

Not that your baby brother doesn't try to annoy you every now and then ;)
Or that you don't ever pick on him...
But still, you are a very good brother :)

When you turned four, I couldn't believe it.

Where did the last 4 years disappear to?

You still amazed me this past year.

You started preschool and loved it.

You are now reading.
You learned how to be a great friend.

You are sweeter than ever.

And now...

...you are FIVE YEARS OLD!
Five years ago today, you changed my life.
You helped me learn so much about so many things.
You continue to amaze me with the gifts God has given you.
I am so proud you are my son.
I love you, my Ben.
Happy 5th Birthday!!
love,
Mommy
p.s.

Don't ever change :)

2010-02-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

Tonight's season premiere did not disappoint.

A good Lost episode is one that leaves you with questions.

And I have a lot of questions!

http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/02/02/lost-premiere-damon-carlton/
This site is great for all you lost fans :)

Cinnamon and Spice, All Things Nice!

2010-01-30T10:25:00.000-05:00

   I am always looking for ways to update this house of mine. There are countless things "wrong" with it, like the front door screen that is ripped from top to bottom, the endless stains on our light light light beige carpet (might as well call it white), the hideous shell shaped brown bathroom sink, the nasty carpet in the basement, the warped wood paneling in the basement, and chipped paint here and there. As I look at all the imperfections I get a little frustrated and wish we would just fix all the problems. But instead I tend to mask all the imperfections like covering up the stains with a little rug, putting a bookshelf over the warped area of the warped wall in the basement, decorating the ugly brown sink with cute little trinkets, and hanging a picture up over the chipped paint. And if my house starts to smell like boys (which it does quite often!) I will do what I found that works great, which is take some orange peels, brown sugar, cinnamon and a little oil and throw it all in a small little pot then simmer it over the stove for about 30-45 minutes. Works like a charm! The house smells sooooo good and I feel much better about the smelly boy smell in my house.
   Isn't this true of ourselves as well? We can find so many imperfections about ourselves and try to mask those things with "stuff." I do it all the time! Is that a pimple? Cover it up! Is my hair not functioning today? Pull it up in a ponytail! Isn't it the same with other imperfections as well? I find myself trying to "cover up" things often. If my house is a mess and I know company is coming over I rush to clean clean clean because heaven forbid someone knows I have a messy house! If something is upsetting me and I have been crying, I refuse to leave the house until all signs of crying are gone because the thought of someone knowing I'm having a bad day is unacceptable. If I'm annoyed by someone I still find myself smiling because it's the polite thing to do.
   In your opinion, are masks necessary? Or are they in the way of living our lives the way God had intended us to live? God calls us to live honestly and with integrity. Does that include the things we often try to keep to ourselves and try to hide from the outside world? Is it o.k. to mask all the unpleasant things with all things nice?
   I think it's unhealthy to have so many masks and then depend on the masks more and more as we age. However, in some circumstances I think it's the proper thing to do. I'm thankful that with my husband I can take all my masks off and know that he still loves me. Same goes for my family and friends. Isn't it funny though, that I try to mask things with God? He's the one that knows and see's everything about me...and yet if I try to ignore Him I think I don't have to deal with whatever it is I'm trying to hide. Maybe it's because I know God will challenge me to change those things when I'm so comfortable wearing the masks. Change is hard, especially when you're so used to being that way! Wearing masks is easy.
   There is no such thing as a honky dory life and everyone has imperfections. I need to work on realizing that I don't need to mask so many things in my life. I never expect anyone else to be perfect. In fact, I would rather have people in my life who take their masks off for me. So, the next time I have company I will leave a few toys on the floor, I will leave the house with my hair down and looking funny AND laugh about it, and the next time I want to cry, gosh darn it I will! But that yucky boy smell? That has got to go! No need to let anyone in on that nastyness! Bring on the cinnamon and spice and all things nice! :)

Pieces of a Heavy Heart

2010-01-18T21:44:00.001-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...about Haiti, the orphans, my friends who want to bring their babies home and feeling helpless, finances, selling this house, having my mother-in-law possibly move in with us, what school we are going to send Ben to, finding a second job, becoming foster parents, my friends who need to be comforted and wondering if this heavy heart is from God. My heart has been so heavy in the last couple of weeks, even before the earthquake struck Haiti. I don't know what God has in store for us this year, but I guarantee it's not going to be little. I have been asking myself lately if I'm doing enough, if I'm using enough of my abilities to make God proud of me. Last year was pretty laid back and I am thankful for that since the previous 4 years were so emotionally crazy. This year I am ready for something bigger. Something better.

Mark will be busy this year with the release of their new album, "Pieces Of a Real Heart," which I personally believe is truly their best work yet. But a new album release means a lot of touring and time away from home for Mark. That also means I have to get my act together and go into major mommy mode. And yet here I am with a heavy heart for the children of Haiti, the orphans here in Toledo, my mother-in-law who just hasn't been able to get back on her feet 100% since losing her husband of over 25 years, and wondering if I'm doing enough with my own two sons. It's not that I'm sad or going through one of those "mid-life crisis." It's about wanting more than what's in front of me. I'm realizing as I'm getting to be in my mid-30's (YIKES!!!) that I don't want to waste the time God has given me here on earth. I want to glorify Him and make Him proud of me. I want my children to be proud of me and I want them to live their lives for God.

It's funny, before having kids I had this image in my head of what motherhood would be like. It was a beautiful picture in my head: the sun is shining, the grass is green, there is laughter surrounding us, I'm skinny and looking amazing with long flowing hair, we are skipping along a tree-lined road and singing songs about being happy together. Well, the reality of it is...not so much...haha! But I still love being a mommy. I am so proud of my boys and love them so much (even if I am 4 sizes larger and my hair is turning gray). I can't imagine how anyone could love them more than me, but in my heart I know that God loves them beyond anything I could ever imagine. So as a mother who loves my boys, how can I not want them to follow God, who loves them more than I do? How could I not want what is best for them, which is a life filled with the many joys that only God can give? Of course that is what I want for them! Which brings me back to my heavy heart and wanting to do more. I think Mark and I took our first steps today just by talking about all of the things I mentioned earlier. Next is to pray about them all, and truly give them to God and listen for His answers. Today I am beyond ready to say yes to whatever God has coming our way. And I must say, that is a very scary thing! (But in a good way, of course!)

Our Little Duncan

2010-01-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Sad day for the Graalman household. Duncan went missing. He is Nathan's little buddy and we all love him. Mark brought Duncan home a little over a year ago from London and little Nate was attached ever since. Last night was horrible. Nate could not, would not and didn't sleep. He tossed, he turned, he cried, he screamed, and finally at 3:13a.m. he stopped. Today was a little better though. I found a little elephant that is just as soft as Duncan and has big floppy ears like Duncan. It is definitely not Duncan, and Nate threw the poor elephant on the floor, but once nap time came around he decided to give Peanut a try. Nate miraculously took a 3 & 1/2 hour nap and went to bed tonight without a fight. I hope this keeps up! But what I hope even more is that we will be able to find Duncan. I actually love that little monkey. Seeing Nate today without his little buddy made me a little sad and I couldn't help but feel like something was missing from Nate today. Silly, I know. But Duncan has become an honorary member of this family.

So, where ever you are, sweet Duncan, I do hope you will return to us soon! We miss you, especially Nater-tot!

Things That Are Most Important To Me

2009-12-05T23:03:00.001-05:00

Things that are most important to me:

1) My faith. I just cannot imagine a world where a perfect love does not exist. I believe in perfect love and that it comes from God. With everything life has thrown at me I am thankful that my faith has brought me through it all. A faith that there is a perfect love that loves me. Thank you Lord for loving me even when I felt I couldn't be loved at all.

2) My husband. On May 17th, 2003 I married Mark Steven Graalman Jr., my best friend and a man whom I trust with my heart. He is just perfect for me. I have a love for him that exceeds anything imaginable. The way he makes me laugh, the way he listens to me even if I'm being stubborn and the way he looks at me just makes me feel loved. Thank you Lord for my husband who has given me more joy in the last 6 years than I can possibly contain inside.

3) My children. Benjamin Yo-Sup born on February 4th, 2005 and Nathaniel Yo-Soon born on April 21st, 2008. Is there anything sweeter than the sound of your own children's laughter or the embrace that comes in the morning after a long night's sleep? Is there any role in the world more satisfying than the role of being a parent and witnessing their growth that is a result of your love for them? They are both so unique in their own ways and I cannot live without how they will surprise me each and every day. Thank you Lord for the amazing gifts of Ben and Nate. What a blessing they are to me and I am so thankful You entrusted me as their mommy. I am honored Lord.

4) My family. My parents introduced love to me the day I was born. Even if the words "I love you" were not spoken often, there was always an unspoken understanding that love was there in every way. I respect and appreciate them for all their hard work and sacrifices that they have had to go through to show my sisters and myself their love for us. There is a safety in the love of parents and I feel safe. My sisters have also given me a safe haven in life. I love them so much and can't imagine who I would be today if I didn't have their constant support and love. Even to this day I look up to them. As a child I wanted to be like them in every way. Not much has changed since then! I am also so thankful for my extended family as well. I grew up seeing my uncles, aunts and cousins on a weekly basis. To me it was normal to spend my Saturdays at family gatherings and weird when I heard friends say they didn't do anything with their cousins! Oh how I miss those days. Thank you Lord for my family and all the ways you have blessed me with them. I pray you bless my parents who are in Korea and help them to know how much they are loved even though there are many miles between us. I pray you bless my beautiful, wonderful, loving sisters and their families. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful blessing.

5) My friends. Friends are the reason I understand the terms 'home away from home' and 'just like family.' I love my friends who have given me an endless amount of hugs, stayed with me overnight when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and given me reasons to laugh out loud. Friends have a choice of walking away when things get rough but decide to stick around anyway because they truly care about you and love you. Thank you Lord for my friends who not only stick around, but who love to stick around.

So, the things most important to me aren't things at all, but the love of people in my life. In the end, when all is said and done, is it not the love of those that we want to be surrounded by? One of my favorite quotes, as simple as it may be, is "joy is not in things, it is in us." Things are just a temporary joy that can always be replaced by something else. True joy is something that is irreplaceable and safe. I am so very thankful that I feel safe. Thank you Lord for the joy and the safety of Your love and for blessing me with so many wonderful people whom I love so much. Please continue to remind me of what is truly important and help me to find ways to be joyful in the true sense of the word. Thank you for showing me how much You love me every single day. I love you. Amen.

random mommy thoughts...

2009-01-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

Blog...blog...blog...I always feel like there's so much to say but the second I try to type something I am at a loss. Like right now. So why in the world am I even trying? Probably because I feel like there's so much to say!

So today Mark is in Nashville and I am here at home with our two young boys who are the complete joys of my life. Ben has been so sweet lately, giving me random little kisses on my cheek or giving me a bite of whatever he's eating, or drawing a picture and telling me that he made it just for me. I love being Ben's mommy. He also cracks me up! Today he was coloring in the living room and then he came and found me with colored pencils in each ear and in each nostril. What a little ham! I was laughing so hard it hurt! I think it brings Ben great joy to know that he is capable of making his mommy and daddy smile and laugh. He also makes it so easy for Nathan to laugh and smile. Nathan sure loves his big brother. It's hard to believe that Ben is going to be 4 years old in just a matter of weeks. He is growing up too fast.

Nathan is 9 months old in just a couple of days. He is also growing up right before my eyes. What a little determined stinker he is! He is so determined to do whatever he wants, and does not hesitate to refuse what he doesn't want. At barely 9 months old he is already climbing stairs and tries very hard to freak me out! Just kidding, he doesn't try to freak me out, he just does it naturally. None the less, he makes me smile and when he smiles at me I can't help but laugh. He is so funny!

I know I write quite a bit about motherhood, my boys and all the joys (and not so joyous) moments that come with it all. But I love being a mother and I will brag about my boys all I want!

What to expect...are you kidding me?!?!?!

2008-10-04T21:37:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday night and Mark and I are exhausted today. We woke up a little extra tired than usual because Nathan decided to wake us up at 2a.m. and Ben decided to crawl into bed with us at 4a.m. UGH! At 7:30 Nathan wakes up again and we slowly make our way out of bed into the early morning chill that I love and begin our day. Our typical routine is get up, make Nathan a bottle, get Ben's breakfast ready, eat, get showered and dressed, and then head on out somewhere. Today was not an ordinary day though. Mark's sister and her husband were in a car accident where their car was totaled but no injuries to anyone (thank God!) So, to give them a little break and rest, Mark and I took their son for the day. We love that little guy and we're thankful to have him in our lives. He is quite a little character! :) However, having three kids throughout our day was an adventure. The fact that both Mark and I were out-numbered by 3 small children was quite amusing and overwhelming at the same time. Mark is sitting next to me right now saying that it was also eye-opening and a wake-up call thinking about the reality of having 3 kids.

Having one child is hard because you have to learn all the rules of caring for a child. There are countless books out there on how to care for a baby and what to expect at each stage in their life. However, not every child is alike and you quickly realize that when baby number 2 arrives! I thought having one child meant being prepared for another but that was not the case for us. Juggling life with two kids means an extra meal at the table, another bath to give, another outfit to put on, another pair of shoes to put on their feet, another trip to the bathroom for potty breaks (or diaper change), another seatbelt to fasten, another lesson to teach, two bedtime stories become 4 bedtime stories, and etc...put a third child into the picture and you can forget that shower you are desperate for, that pot of coffee that was pre-made in the morning, and all of a sudden if you can't find a darn ponytail holder it's the end of the world. I'm just kidding...or am I?

Maybe one day Mark and I will have another baby. I know Mark would love to have a "daddy's little girl" but for now, two is the perfect number for me. Plus I like being Mark's only girl...heehee.

2008-06-24T15:42:00.000-04:00

Boys are awesome. I love having 2 sons and getting the chance to raise brothers. Having 3 sisters myself, not only are boys a bit foreign to me, but the idea of raising brothers is also like learning a new language. Growing up I loved playing with my dolls, dressing up, pretending to be a famous movie star, and just feeling like a pretty little princess. My dad would always make me feel like his little girl and I will admit that I was pretty spoiled as a child being the youngest of 4 daughters. And now that little girly girl who loved playing with dolls is not only playing with Batman toys, but I am loving the Batman toys! I also remember as a little girl the importance of keeping my hair from getting tangled up, getting dirt on my shoes, spilling food on my clothes, and behaving well in public. Ben, who is now 3 years old, loves to play in the mud, spills food on his clothes on a daily basis, will create new dance moves while standing on a chair in a restaurant, and if there's a puddle he will not hesitate to jump in. Does that bother this girly girl? HECK NO!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE having boys. I cannot wait to see what Nate will bring to the table and what his personality will be like at Ben's age. What will they come up with together? What will their relationship be like 3 years from now? What will my relationship with them be like as they grow up? I can only hope that I will remain close to them and watch them grow up to be men full of integrity, honesty, joy and full of life. I hope they hold on to the innocence that they carry now. I hope that they learn to give with the gifts that God gave them. I hope that they stay close to God and continually seek Him on a daily basis. I am also excited to see all that God has for them. My prayer is that they won't miss out on anything that God has in store for them. So here's to hundreds more rain puddles, many food stains on brand new clothes, holes on the soles of shoes, dirt, bugs, adventures, curiosities, creative projects, and endless possibilities!