Not A Jerk

Meat and children—how your ethics are wired to be wrong

2013-03-11T16:38:00.000+11:00

You are personally responsible for becoming more ethical than the society you grew up in. — Eliezer Yudkowsky¹

Pretend you're enjoying a lovely day at the beach, at which there are very few people. You're walking along the pier, enjoying the scenery, when you see a young child fall from the pier and into the water. It's immediately apparent that the child can't swim and will soon drown without assistance, and you're the only one nearby who can help. You're a strong swimmer, and the water is shallow enough that rescuing the child poses absolutely zero risk to your health.

However there's a catch. You've recently visited the store and purchased $6 worth of chewing gum. You have particularly complicated pockets which you can't unbutton in time. If you jump in the water, your gum will be ruined.

Do you save the child?

I dearly hope that you do, and my faith in humanity has me believe that most people would answer yes here.

Now let's imagine a different scenario. For under $6—the same cost as the gum—you can deploy a long-lasting insecticide treated net in a malaria-prone area². The net will halve the chances of a child contracting malaria. When many nets are deployed, the benefits are even greater, as their combined effect is to reduce the overall population of mosquitoes in the area, reducing the risk of malaria for everyone³.

Malaria is a terrible disease, and yet most people who would jump off the pier to save the child don't fund deployment of mosquito nets. This isn't because they're bad people, it's because of how we—as a species—are wired. A child drowning in front of us invokes a deep and visceral response; it's a real thing, happening right now. A child far away dying of malaria feels more like a some sort of abstract concept; the visceral response simply isn't there.

Charities have learnt from this. We rarely see images of millions of people suffering; instead, campaigns will focus on telling you how an individual (often a child) is suffering. We have empathy with individuals much more readily than we do with crowds of strangers. In fact, the "millions suffering" campaigns may be particularly ineffective; potential donors can feel it's futile to help against such widespread tragedy. Because our wired-in ethics are so flawed, charities have to work around them in order to be effective.

Unfortunately, our wired-in ethics are a problem not just when it comes to charity and caring for others. They can also get in the way of developing technologies that may offer wide-spread changes for good.

Modern animal farming methods involve the generation of cruelty on a massive scale. However because this suffering is far away, it's easy to put out of our minds—or even to remain ignorant of it entirely—exactly the same as we do with malaria. I'll spare you the details of gestation crates and battery cages, but most people who would never personally treat an animal to the way they are in factory farms will still happily enjoy a commercial ham sandwich without a second thought.

Convincing people to give up meat is hard, and that's no surprise; meat is delicious, our upbringing tells us that it's fine to eat it, and the consumer is intentionally separated from seeing the processes involved in its production. So I'm very excited by any prospect of being able to produce meat without suffering involved.

We're now at a point where we're just beginning to be able to grow meat without an animal being involved in the process. Also known as in vitro meat, muscle tissue is grown from precursor cells. The meat isn't 'synthetic', the muscle cells are the same as you'd find in a whole animal... except you no longer need a whole animal.

It's difficult to overstate just how monumental a change this would be. A widespread move to in-vitro meat would represent a massive reduction in global suffering, without asking people to give up meat.

There's a few gut reactions that people have to in-vitro meat. One is that it's inherently unappealing because it's 'unnatural', yet eating the cells from an animal is vastly more 'natural' than consuming a soft-drink that consists of almost entirely synthetic ingredients. I view this as a matter of marketing; if we can get people to eat chicken nuggets and sausages, then I'm sure we can get people to eat in-vitro meat.

The other reaction which I received when recently talking about cruelty-free meat is one that seems to be a common response to many new technologies: namely that it's going to be expensive, and hence only only to be available to the rich.

There was a time when running water and proper sanitation was only available to the rich. There was a time when only the wealthiest people could afford electricity. Back in the 1980s mobile phones the size of a housebrick were seen as a status symbol.

Every technological advancement starts as only being available to the rich, but that paves the way for these advancements to be available to everyone for the rest of human history. Affordable, cruelty-free meat for the remainder of human history would be a truly immense ethical achievement. I'm excited about in-vitro meat now for the same reason that I'd be excited about plumbing in the 1800s. There's enormous and long-lasting capacity for good.

The final complaint that seems to get levelled is that the money spent on some technology would be "better spent" on building wells and schools. Franklin Veaux has an excellent article responding to the same complains against Mars Curiosity.

Saying that we should "spend money on X instead of Y" completely ignores how money actually works. People don't go down to the shop thinking "I'm going to buy some cigarettes, or maybe save some lives in a developing nation", they go to the store to buy cigarettes, although you might be able to influence which type of cigarettes they buy. Knowing this, one could make an argument that money spent on almost any charity should be spent on mosquito nets; people often do limit their charitable donations, and mosquito nets currently provide the greatest number of lives saved per dollar spent¹.

To be consistent in making an argument that we should spend money on "X rather than Y" really means you should be making the same argument for everything that you consider to be less ethical than Y. The US spends two billion dollars a year on custom ring-tones, $8.5b a year on designer handbags, an astounding $34.6b a year on casino gambling, and $80b a year on cigarettes⁴.

To really do what's best for the future, we need to get over our wired-in ethics—where we only care what's happening nearby right now—but to also think about things which are far away, both in terms of distance and in terms of time. If we can do that, we're already stepping in the right direction to have better ethics than the society in which we were raised.

References

¹ Yudkowsky, Eliezer. “Chapter 87: Hedonic Awareness.” Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. Accessed March 11, 2013

² “Mass Distribution of Long-lasting Insecticide-treated Nets (LLINs).” GiveWell, December 2012.

³ “Against Malaria Foundation.” GiveWell, November 2012.

⁴ Veaux, Franklin. “But Why Aren’t We Spending It on CHILDREN? Think of the CHILDREN!” August 7, 2012.

Edit: The Drowning Child and the Expanding Circle is an excellent essay by Peter Singer on similar issues. Clearly its contents had well and truly settled into my mind without me ever having read the original. Thanks, reddit and facebook!

Further reading

Yvain. “Efficient Charity: Do Unto Others...” Less Wrong, December 24, 2010.
Modern Meadow
PETA Offers $1 Million Reward to First to Make In Vitro Meat
The In Vitro Meat Consortium

The frozen chicken model of female sexuality—ASSERT 2012

2012-10-15T20:24:00.002+11:00

This weekend I went to the Australian Society for Sex Educators, Researchers, and Therapists (ASSERT) national conference in Melbourne. I'd never been to a sexology conference before, and so I was certainly excited about what I might learn, and whom I might meet.

As seems to be common with these things, there were multiple streams, and unfortunately I couldn't get to everything I would have liked. "Birthgasm: A literary review of orgasm as an alternate mode of pain relief in childbirth" sure sounded interesting, but I found myself in what I thought was the sex-positive stream for the first morning, with talks about positive models of sexuality, and a clinician's guide to sex toys (which unfortunately only covered vibrators and masturbation sleeves).

However the third talk in this stream, Redelman's "Practical management of female hypoactive sexual desire disorder/desire discrepancy disorder" left me rather agitated, not aroused.

Frozen Chickens

Redelman started her discussion with looking at sex from a evolutionary psychology standpoint. Clearly, sex exists for procreation, and hence breastfeeding mothers, women who have gone through menopause, women who are pregnant, or any woman who wouldn't "naturally" be reproducing would therefore not be interested in sex. That's just the way that nature is.

At this point, I had to check to see if I was at a conference on human sexuality, because it sure didn't sound like it. Unlike baboons and chimpanzees, we don't have conspicuous ovulation to signal when a female is fertile, and as a result we have sex all the time, including during menstruation, after menopause, when pregnant, and whenever it seems like a good idea at the time¹.

There are lots of theories about why humans have concealed ovulation, including the maintaining of social ties, as a way of securing access to more food, to increase paternal investment, and even as a way to combat monogamy². Yes, sex is about procreation, but in humans (and bonobos) it's also clear that it serves other purposes as well, with social functions being near the top of the list.

To suggest that it's "natural" that women who are not fertile will be less interested in sex completely ignores the fact that non-fertile women are actually having sex.

From that shaky start, Redelman went on to present the "frozen chicken model" of female sexuality, and I think I'm quoting exactly here: "Men are like fresh chickens, you can pop them in the oven right away. But women are like frozen chickens, you need to thaw them out first."

Labels are can have a radical impact on how we think about things³, and I don't feel that comparing female sexuality to a "frozen chicken" is one that will make women feel better about themselves.

Redelman also proposed that in the case of mismatched levels of sexual desire, that women try to find a way to have "good enough sex". This appeared to be finding sex which was comfortable, easy, and fun, but the label "good enough sex" isn't one that would make me particularly excited about being in the bedroom.

However my biggest objection is the entire talk felt very disempowering to women. It also wasn't clear to me why it was about heterosexual women. There can be mismatched sex-drives in same-sex couples, and men can certainly have sex drives lower than their partners. Were the treatment options discussed not suitable for these people, or were they arbitrary ignored? I did try to ask this question, but unfortunately the session ran out of time.

I also feel that any talk about hyposexuality should mention the asexual population, whom in my experience are incredibly neglected and marginalised. It's completely fine if someone rarely or never wants sex, and this isn't any more a disorder than me never wanting to watch the football.

Dysfunction vs Potential

One thing I found fascinating about the conference is that talks (and attendees) generally fell into two different groups: those who were "dysfunction-focused", and those who were "potential-focused". The dysfunction-focus talks would be about how someone's sexual experiences were somehow broken or impaired, and what could be done to fix that. The potential-focused talks, which I enjoyed far more, would instead explore people's potential for great sex, taking into account their abilities and individual circumstances.

Sunday morning's keynote, by Pertot, was brilliant, and was shining example of thinking about potentials. Pertot pointed out that "the overwhelming evidence is most people who meet the behavioural criteria for sexual dysfunction are not distressed by it", and that "the DSM is not a scientific document. It's a set of operational definitions based on cultural consensus."

I could not agree with Pertot more. There are far too many people who present to doctors and sexologists not because they're distressed about their own sexuality, but because someone else is distressed by it, or because modern media has pushed forward some completely unrealistic notion of what sex should be like.

Pertot also pointed out the worrying trend to prescribe medication as a first line of treatment. She noted that most doctors and sexologists don't even consider pelvic floor exercises as a treatment option for erectile dysfunction, despite studies showing they have a high efficacy, are completely free, and don't come with harmful side-effects⁴. Instead, an expensive prescription for PDE-5 inhibitors seem to be the first and last thing which occurs when erectile dysfunction is presented.

Other excellent potential-focused talks that I saw were Alice Hucker's talk on mindfulness⁵'⁶ and sex, Jacqueline Hellyer's talk on moving towards more positive models of sexuality, and Tanya Koen's talk on Gottman approaches to sex therapy.

While sexual dysfunctions are undeniably real, and definitely have a place at conferences like ASSERT, I very much hope to see an increasing number of sexual potential talks in the future. Human sexuality is fabulously diverse, and finding new ways to allow people to explore their full potential would be of great benefit to therapists, clients, and society as a whole.

References

¹ Sapolsky, Robert. “The Neurobiology of Primate Sexuality: Part 1”, 2002. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2732704984000303543.

² Schoröder, Inge. “Concealed Ovulation and Clandestine Copulation: a Female Contribution to Human Evolution.” Ethology and Sociobiology 14, no. 6 (November 1993): 381–389.

³ Thibodeau, Paul H., and Lera Boroditsky. “Metaphors We Think With: The Role of Metaphor in Reasoning.” PLoS ONE 6, no. 2 (February 23, 2011): e16782.

⁴ Dorey, Grace, Mark J. Speakman, Roger C.L. Feneley, Annette Swinkels, and Christopher D.R. Dunn. “Pelvic Floor Exercises for Erectile Dysfunction.” BJU International 96, no. 4 (September 2005): 595–597.

⁵ Brotto, L. A., R. Basson, and M. Luria. “A Mindfulness-Based Group Psychoeducational Intervention Targeting Sexual Arousal Disorder in Women.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine 5, no. 7 (2008): 1646–1659.

⁶ Brotto, Lori A., Julia R. Heiman, Barbara Goff, Benjamin Greer, Gretchen M. Lentz, Elizabeth Swisher, Hisham Tamimi, and Amy Blaricom. “A Psychoeducational Intervention for Sexual Dysfunction in Women with Gynecologic Cancer.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 37, no. 2 (August 7, 2007): 317–329.

Polyamorous But Not Quite Invisible—Relational Science Research

2012-07-18T05:56:00.000+10:00

In my last update, I spoke about my experiences as being what felt like to be an invisible sexual minority at the International Association for Relational Research conference in Chicago. At the time, I thought there were no talks at all on ethical non-monogamy at the conference. As it happens, there was one session that discussed research into what was termed "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM), a phrase which I'll use for the rest of this article. One session isn't much, given there were hundreds of hours of content delivered at the conference. But one is much, much better than zero.

I made sure I attended the session, and the most interesting talk was by Amy Moors, who examined attachment style and engagement in CNM relationships. I was absolutely delighted by this, and for the nerdiest of reasons: when I first learnt about attachment in adults, my first question was how that correlated with relationship exclusivity. The fact that this actually related to my lifestyle was nowhere near as exciting as the fact that I learning something that I had been curious about for some time.

When it came to question time, I explictly outed myself as polyamorous, and made it clear that I was happy to talk about my experiences. Throughout the rest of the conference a lot of people commended me on my bravery, but this isn't something I consider to be particularly brave. To almost everyone I talk to, being polyamorous isn't a big deal, and it appears to be especially common in my professional field. Outing myself was a strategic move, both as a way of demonstrating that minorities actually existed at the conference, but more importantly to encourage those involved in CNM research to engage with me.

I'm delighted to say it worked.

After question time, I was approached by a researcher who was interested in CNM lifestyles, and of course I said I'd be happy to help. A small collection of us also went for coffee; from the discussion it became clear that only a very few relational scientists were studying CNM, that getting results published was challenging, and there was a lot of frustration about not being taken seriously by other researchers. Having coffee where everyone took for granted that CNM research was important was refreshing for all involved.

Of course, the lack of research, and the associated difficulty in getting other researchers to accept results doesn't seem to be limited to studying consentual non-monogamy. While gay and lesbian populations are now the subject of some research, the bisexual population still seems to get only the faintest of nods, and I could find no talks at the conference at all which discussed BDSM or asexuality.

The coffee session did a great deal for making me feel that I wasn't completely out of place at the conference. Regardless of the relationship style of the individual researchers, they were all extremely poly-friendly.

However it looks like outing myself had benefits that extended beyond the immediate benefits of being able to more easily engage CNM researchers. At the main conference social event the next evening, I was speaking to a number of sex researchers who were extremely curious about my lifestyle, and who were the by far the best conversational partners of the entire conference.

For those familiar with the term, we spent the evening having geek sex. Book recommendations were exchanged, references were cited, methodologies were discussed, stories were told, and we all got very excited about knowledge. The topics weren't restricted to CNM lifestyles; we also discussed kink and BDSM, excitation transfer, international placement options, contacts, orgasms, costumes, brain development, akrasia, steampunk and bat-caves. There was also dancing, wine, and photography.

I'm also delighted to report that there's been a lot of post-conference discussions on-line—much more than I can keep up with, and including discussions of putting together a larger volume of sessions of CNM research at future conferences. If you know me personally, are a relational scientist, or just particularly awesome, then get in touch (twitter works well) and I'll make sure you get added to the appropriate parts of the social media supergraph.

Bonus Science Section

For those familiar with attachment theory, Amy Moors' research showed that avoidant individuals are more likely to think consenual non-monogamy (CNM) is an acceptable alternative, but are less likely to engage in it. Anxiously attached individuals are more likely to think CNM is a poor choice, but made no significant impact on whether or not they formed CNM relationships. Both results surprised me; I had always expected anxiously attached individuals would gravitate strongly towards monogamous relationships, and avoidance wouldn't have an effect on the willingness to engage, but would have an effect on type of CNM preferred (polyamory, swinging, many friends with benefits, etc).

It seems the big-5 personality traits don't seem to have any significant correlation with CNM engagement. Again, a surprise; I wasn't the only one who expected CNM individuals to score higher in openness to experience, although it appears that agreeableness shows a very mild correlation. I don't have a citation for this, besides talking to Amy; it seems getting "no results" published is
challenging.

Selected References

Conley, Terri D., Amy C. Moors, Jes L. Matsick, and Ali Ziegler. “The Fewer the Merrier?: Assessing Stigma Surrounding Consensually Non-monogamous Romantic Relationships.” Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy (2012).

Conley, Terri D., Amy C. Moors, Ali Ziegler, and Constantina Karathanasis. “Unfaithful Individuals Are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine 9, no. 6 (June 2012): 1559–1565.

Hinton-Dampf, A. M. “Non-monogamous Individuals Compared to Monogamous Individuals: The Differences in Their Relationships, Specifically Sexual Risk Behaviors and Level of Trust”. Central Missouri State University, 2010.

Polyamorous But Invisible—Being the Odd One Out in Relationship Science

2012-07-15T03:48:00.000+10:00

The other week I was at a conference talking about how to build communities and get people involved with them. Part of my talk was based upon Greta Christina's excellent discussion on homogeneous communities, and how and why they are self-sustaining.

Even though I was talking about diversity, I'm almost always part of the homogeneous majority at major events. Even when I'm with a group where I know nobody, it's usually part of a very accepting subculture that understands me, even if we have different backgrounds.

It's rare that I feel like the outsider.

This week had changed that. I'm at the International Association for Relationship Research conference in Chicago. Despite my writings here, I don't have any formal qualifications in relationship science. This is a very academic conference, but that isn't why I feel like an outsider.

The conference is very white, and as far as I can tell, it's also very straight, cisgendered, and monogamous. The research that's being presented is very heteronormative; it's all about marriages, and monogamy, and using things like exclusivity to measure "commitment". In every talk that I've seen, and every paper I've retrieved, sex with multiple partners is either casual, friends with benefits, or cheating.

In conversation, I've even had researchers refer to long term, monogamous relationships as "real" relationships.

As someone who only has ethical non-monogamous relationships, this is quite confronting. Normally I wouldn't care, but this is a conference specifically about relationship research. At a session last night there was a poster that described the possible range of relationships as hook-ups, friends with benefits, casual dating, serious dating, engaged, and married. Anything from 'serious' and above was exclusive by definition.

There are no talks on open relationships. The topic does not come up in discussion. Of the dozens of people I've spoken to, I've only felt comfortable telling two that I'm non-monogamous, and of those two I'm only sure that one of them had a positive reaction to me coming out.

I'm very, very sure this is not a conscious effort to exclude ethical non-monogamy from consideration. Rather, I think that for the vast majority of researchers, ethical non-monogamy simply does not cross their minds. It's not something they encounter, and certainly not something they study. There's no active attempt to erase or deny this lifestyle, there's just a plain and simple lack of awareness.

This beautifully demonstrates Christina's second principle. In a homogeneous community, people will talk about, think about, and solve problems related to the homogeneous majority.

I'm still contemplating how to broaden the minds of the relationship science community, but if you're involved in community building, then I really do urge you to think about what you're not thinking about. Look at who's not getting involved in your community, and ask yourself why. Outreach is important, no matter what community you're trying to form.

Edit: My follow-up thoughts from after the conference can be found at Polyamorous But Not Quite Invisible—Relational Science Research.

Debug your thoughts

2012-05-14T17:51:00.000+10:00

Think about all the times when you were angry or sad. Think about what was said, or the decisions you made—especially if you regretted them afterwards. Now ask yourself if the same would have occurred if everyone concerned was in a relaxed and peaceful frame of mind. Would things have progressed the same way? Would the same words have been said?

Emotions are immensely powerful influences on our cognitive processes, and often they result in us saying, doing, and thinking things things that we'd never say, do, or think under more calm conditions. They can completely change one's outlook.

What's more, emotions can make you doubt your own thought. Are you raising something because it's actually important, or does it only seem important because you're upset?

Flawed thoughts

I have a friend of mine who—like many people—suffers from depression. She was telling me that when she was depressed, her boyfriend would ask her what's wrong. That's a good thing, showing that you care is one of the most important ways you can improve anyone's mood, and my friend would answer truthfully: "I'm depressed".

However her boyfriend, eager to try and make things better, and worried that he's somehow accidentally contributed to her sadness, would ask why she is depressed; what is she thinking about which is making her feel this way?

And herein lies the problem: when it comes to emotions, we often get things entirely the wrong way around. If we feel depressed, and especially if we're being asked to find a reason for that, then we will! Nisbett and Wilson¹ explain at length that humans are regularly unaware of what's influenced their cognitive processes, and will regularly and consistently misattribute or even fabricate the reasons for thinking or feeling a particular way.

Heck, there's even a whole theory that says that we regularly get radically confused as to what our emotions even are in the first place².

Mistakes in thinking

When we're emotionally compromised, there are two mistakes we can make:

We can take irrational thoughts and reasons, forged while we're emotional, as being legitimate.
We can have rational and legitimate thoughts, but we discard them because we know that we're emotionally compromised.

What sort of mistakes you'll make depends upon your self-skepticism. Too little and you'll be accepting irrational thoughts; too much and you'll be rejecting legitimate ones.

Acting on irrational thoughts is something most people are familiar with. Emotions are able to block our ability to imagine certain futures and empathise with other people³, and so actions or words said "in the heat of the moment" are often regretted. Strong negative emotions, such as anger or jealousy, are associated with action tendencies which can be particularly damaging to relationships⁴.

To combat this, many people try to be careful what they say if they're feeling a strong negative emotion. However this can lead to important matters not being discussed, and legitimate thoughts and concerns being discarded with all the irrational ones. The result is the opportunity for the same circumstances to repeat themselves, resulting in a pattern of upsetting events which may not get resolved, or where discussions fail to address salient issues.

So, how can we deal with this? How can we sift through our thoughts and feelings, and recognise which ones are legitimate, which ones are crazy, and which ones—while they might not be rational—form a pattern which warrants some sort of change.

High-fidelity recording with time travel

My solution is to get the emotional me (who is experiencing things now), and the rational me (who can think about things sensibly), to team up and work on the problem together. Of course, those two entities don't exist at the same time, but they can send letters back and forth. And that's exactly what I do: I write to my future self.

If I recognise that I'm emotionally compromised, and the opportunity permits, I'll write down what I'm thinking. I won't try to analyse it—not only will that slow me down, but analysis can cause me to doubt myself, which may prevent me from making an accurate record. Any thought, any feeling, goes down on paper. Since these notes are just for me, I'll use abbreviations, I'll swear and curse, I'll say all the things I'm thinking but would never dream of saying to another person. To the best of my ability, I want to be completely uncensored in my records.

Anything I think might be a solution, I'll write down as well; even if the remaining rational part of my brain thinks it's stupid. Just as importantly, anything which I believe won't work, I also write down. I don't want the rational part of me to suggest courses of action which the emotional parts won't be able to follow-through on.

What I'm trying to do here is get an accurate model of what and how I think when I'm emotional. It's extremely cathartic to just get words down, and to let my thoughts flow and reach whatever conclusions they're heading towards. I'm also getting down plans which I feel—in my emotionally compromised state—might act as a solution. Those are things which I might not ever think of when I'm thinking rationally, but which I can consider rationally if they're presented to me.

How you write is really up to you, just as long as you do it. Physical paper and text editors are an obvious choice, although in my case, I use freemind, which is a free and open-source mind-mapping tool. I use freemind regularly to organise my thoughts, and so using it for this task comes naturally to me. I'll make lots of nodes; if you were writing on paper, this would be like making lots of dot-points. If for some reason my train of thought ends, I'll use that to organise my thoughts into categories, expand on them, or otherwise annotate what I've already written.

Eventually there'll be a point where I can't write any more. Usually, by this time, I'm feeling much better. I'll take a few minutes to make sure my notes are dated, and I'll file them based upon the subject matter. I have a category for each lover, one for work, and one for people on the Internet who are wrong.

Sometimes, just writing and filing is all I need, but ideally I return back to my notes when I'm feeling calm and rational; often the next day.

Making sense

When I return to my thoughts, there are a number of things I'm interested in. The most important ones are thought and behavioural patterns. Is there something which I'm thinking regularly when I'm upset? Is that thought actually legitimate? Is there something I often do when I'm angry? Does that help, or does it make things worse?

If I can identify a thought I have regularly, and that thought is actually legitimate, then I can make rational plans to act on it. That might involve having a discussion with someone, the implementation of a commitment device⁵, or making some other change in my circumstances. If I know that I'm likely to become emotional again, then I'll try to make notes or plans on how I'm going to handle that.

Just as importantly, if I find a pattern of erroneous thoughts or actions, I want to plan for those as well. In this case, I might present myself with a rational argument as to why those thoughts are wrong, so I can recall this the next time I feel emotional. If I recognise that something is essentially acting as a trigger, then I can take steps to avoid that, or (if caused by a trusted friend or partner), I can make plans to rationally discuss why that trigger exists, and what can be done to counter it.

The whole process is far from infallible. Even when you're calm and "rational", there's a whole host of cognitive biases to trap you, however I've found it a lot better than the alternatives.

Questions and feedback are most welcome. Use the form below, or tweet me at @notajerkblog .

References

¹ Nisbett, R.E., and T.D. Wilson. “Telling More Than We Can Know: Verbal Reports on Mental Processes.” Psychological Review 84, no. 3 (1977): 231.

² Dutton, D.G., and A.P. Aron. “Some Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 30, no. 4 (1974): 510.

³ DeWall, C.N., and R.F. Baumeister. “Alone but Feeling No Pain: Effects of Social Exclusion on Physical Pain Tolerance and Pain Threshold, Affective Forecasting, and Interpersonal Empathy.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 91, no. 1 (2006): 1.

⁴ Guerrero, Laura K., and Kory Floyd. Nonverbal Communication in Close Relationships. Routledge, 2006.

⁵ Reeves, Daniel. “How To Do What You Want: Akrasia and Self-Binding | Beeminder Blog”, January 24, 2011. http://blog.beeminder.com/akrasia/.

Hips, Brains, And Why Both Are Sexy

2012-04-02T20:14:00.001+10:00

Research into dating science involves some bizarre stuff at times; everything from rats wearing underpants¹ to psych students sniffing used undergarments². But the other day a colleague of mine referred me to a fascinating study³, and it's all about why shapely hips on women are so damn sexy.

For some time, researchers have known that a waist-to-hip ratio in women of about 0.70 seems to be the most attractive body form as considered by heterosexual men⁴. One group of researchers even got funding to "carefully examine" the hip-to-waist ratio of 300 playboy models⁵, and about 0.70 seems to be the sweet-spot. While the most attractive weight varies considerably across cultures (and—interestingly enough—how hungry the male observer is⁶), the curves formed by wider hips and a smaller waist seem to be almost universally pleasing⁴.

What's more, humans show pronounced sexual dimorphism when it comes to body fat. You don't see bonobos or chimpanzees with hourglass figures, but when it comes to women it's eye-catching. Sexy characteristics are usually a sign of fertility, health, good genes, or other features which are important to reproductive success; so what's so special about hips that would make them evolutionarily important?

It's because women with nice-looking hips are smarter. What's more, women with sexy figures have smarter kids.

I hope you're reaching for your "citation needed" sign right now. The science behind this is completely fascinating, and yes, there are references at the end.

We all know that during development, girls lay down extra fat on the hips and thighs. However it's not just any old fat which gives women such luscious hips—these reserves are the primary storage for long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids (LC-PUFAs), and of chief importance among them is omega-3 docosahexaenoic acid, or DHA.

You've probably heard that omega-3 fatty acids are good for you, but they're particularly important for your brain. The human brain is about 20% LC-PUFAs by dry weight, with DHA chief amongst them.

So how do shapely hips mean smarter women? Well, they're a visual indication that one's diet contained enough LC-PUFAs that there were plenty left over after brain development to store on the hips. Scientific observations also provide evidence for this, even when controlling for age, family income, ethnicity, parity, and parental education, there has been a significant correlation shown between lower waist-hip ratios, and higher cognitive performance³.

WHR and cognitive measure z-scores for women aged 18–49 years
(education and two tests) and 14–16 years (four tests). Source: Lassek and Gaulin³.

There's no doubt that intelligence is an incredibly important trait for our evolutionary success, and as I'm sure any sapiosexuals will tell you, it makes sense for signs of intelligence to be attractive. But what really counts in evolutionary terms is the survival of one's offspring. How do sexy LC-PUFAs help them?

It turns out that the fat reserves on a woman's hips and thighs are very hard to shift; except in one case—pregnancy. These reserves are selectively mobilised during pregnancy and breastfeeding⁷, which means the children of women with "child-bearing hips" have increased access to the essential fatty acids needed for brain development.

Sure enough, the children of low waist-to-hip ratio mothers show higher performance on cognitive tests³.

Child's average scaled score on four cognitive tests versus mother's
WHR for 1933 matched mother–child pairs. Source: Lassek and Gaulin³.

The effect of the mother's waist-to-hip ratio is most pronounced in teen pregnancies: because the mother's brain is still growing, there's competition with her developing child for LC-PUFAs. A lower waist-to-hip ratio predicts higher cognitive performance for both the mother and child later in life. In all cases, increased consumption of DHA during pregnancy is associated with higher performance in IQ tests for the child⁸.

The implications of this research are pretty clear. A diet rich in DHA, either from dietary sources (such as oily fish) or in the form of supplements, can be beneficial for expectant or breastfeeding mothers, but is especially important for younger mothers.

For me personally, it also explains why I've thought some corsets have looked so darn smart.

References

¹ Shafik, A. “Effect of Different Types of Textiles on Sexual Activity. Experimental Study.” European Urology 24, no. 3 (1993): 375–380.

² Rikowski, A., and K. Grammer. “Human Body Odour, Symmetry and Attractiveness.” Proceedings of the Royal Society of London. Series B: Biological Sciences 266, no. 1422 (1999): 869–874.

³ Lassek, W.D., and S.J.C. Gaulin. “Waist-hip Ratio and Cognitive Ability: Is Gluteofemoral Fat a Privileged Store of Neurodevelopmental Resources?” Evolution and Human Behavior 29, no. 1 (2008): 26–34.

⁴ Singh, D., BJ Dixson, TS Jessop, B. Morgan, and AF Dixson. “Cross-cultural Consensus for Waist–hip Ratio and Women’s Attractiveness.” Evolution and Human Behavior 31, no. 3 (2010): 176–181.

⁵ Tovée, Martin J, Suzanne M Mason, Joanne L Emery, Sara E McCluskey, and Esther M Cohen-Tovée. “Supermodels: Stick Insects or Hourglasses?” The Lancet 350, no. 9089 (November 1997): 1474–1475.

⁶ Swami, V., and M.J. Tovée. “Does Hunger Influence Judgments of Female Physical Attractiveness?” British Journal of Psychology 97, no. 3 (2006): 353–363.

⁷ Del Prado, M., S. Villalpando, A. Elizondo, M. Rodríguez, H. Demmelmair, and B. Koletzko. “Contribution of Dietary and Newly Formed Arachidonic Acid to Human Milk Lipids in Women Eating a Low-fat Diet.” The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 74, no. 2 (2001): 242–247.

⁸ Cohen, Joshua T, David C Bellinger, William E Connor, and Bennett A Shaywitz. “A Quantitative Analysis of Prenatal Intake of N-3 Polyunsaturated Fatty Acids and Cognitive Development.” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 29, no. 4 (November 2005): 366–374.

Happiness is a privilege

2012-03-17T17:22:00.000+11:00

Privilege is a set of advantages enjoyed by a group, who are usually unaware of the privilege they possess¹.

To give a simple example, the ability to read is a privilege. You don't have to think twice about reading a sign, writing a letter, or looking up information on the Internet—you just can. The same isn't true for someone who can't read. Having a privilege doesn't make you a bad person, but it does give you advantages that others may not share. In the same way you might not think about reading, most people who possess privileges are unaware of them. Some privileges, like being able to read, can be gained with time and effort. Others—like being born white²—cannot.

One of my partners occasionally jokes that I have a "reality distortion field" that makes me blessed with an incredible amount of good fortune when it comes to social interactions. Of course, that field is actually something I've analysed in depth, and I can tell you it's really made up of a combination of privileges, halo effects, and social skills. However, while thinking about it the other day, one privilege really jumped out at me. One that I'd never even considered to be a privilege before.

I'm happy.

Happy people seem to have an easier time at everything, but they especially have an easier time socially. Happier people experience less anxiety when communicating with others³, and are more likely to be sought out for social interactions by others⁴. In fact, one review of the scientific literature found that:

Happy individuals are more likely … to have fulfilling marriages and relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement, robust health, and a long life⁵.

"But wait," I hear you cry, "happiness isn't a privilege! You can be happy, or you can be sad, and it depends on what sort of a day you've been having, and whether you've achieved your goals, and how stressful things have been, and what you've had for breakfast. It's not something you're born with, like sex or race."

Really? Let's look at what scientific research has to say about happiness...

Daniel Gilbert, in his beautifully written and well-researched book, Stumbling on Happiness, talks about hedonic adaptation, whereby repeated exposure to a stimulus brings the reaction to that stimulus closer to neutral. For example, I was delighted by my smart phone when I first obtained it, but these days it rarely has any affect on my happiness at all. Winning the lottery might make you happy today, but you won't be feeling the same rush of elation in ten years time.

Hedonic adaptation works both ways—it makes negative stimuli more manageable over time. This can be a good thing, if it helps you cope with something you can't change, or it can be a bad thing, if it causes you to tolerate something that you really should be changing. In any case, it's hedonic adaptation that causes us to continuously drift back towards a baseline level of happiness.

So, what determines your baseline? If you wish to be happy—and I most certainly do—then this is a massively important question. Is baseline happiness actually determined by how good a job you have? Your level of education? Your material possessions? Your friends? Surely these must all make a difference—but what has the biggest impact?

Your genes.

A study⁶ examining 2,300 twins—looking specifically at happiness—found that socio-economic status, religion, martial status, and education all had trivial influences on happiness, with each factor accounting for 3% or less of one's overall happiness measure. For non-identical twins, the happiness of one had very little correlation with the happiness of the other.

But for identical twins, something amazing was seen. One twin's happiness, even when taken ten years earlier, would account for almost 50% of the happiness of the other twin.

What's more, this held true even when the twins were raised apart.

Further studies have not only reproduced the same findings, but analysis suggests that genetics strongly influence personality traits, and these personality traits (in particular extroversion, neuroticism, and conscientiousness) can entirely explain the difference in baseline happiness⁷.

Where we once thought that being successful made us happy, it now appears to be the other way around—being happy causes us to experience more success⁵.

Luckily, it appears that about 40% of our happiness can be accounted for by intentional activities (the remaining 10% being due to circumstance). Things like exercise, acts of kindness, cultivating optimism, and expressing gratitude can make big differences to one's happiness levels. Sonja Lyubomirsky, in her fabulous book The How of Happiness, examines these, and the scientific research to support her findings, in detail.

However it still remains that some people are naturally predisposed to be happier than others. Happiness is a privilege, after all.

Selected References

Gilbert, Daniel. Stumbling on Happiness. Vintage, 2007.

Lyubomirsky, Sonja. The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Reprint. Penguin (Non-Classics), 2008.

¹ Adapted from the Geek Feminism Wiki.

² McIntosh, P. “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.” Race, Class, and Gender in the United States: An Integrated Study 4 (1988): 165–169.

³ Rook, K.S., P.R. Pietromonaco, and M.A. Lewis. “When Are Dysphoric Individuals Distressing to Others and Vice Versa? Effects of Friendship, Similarity, and Interaction Task.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 67, no. 3 (1994): 548.

⁴ Coyne, J.C., and others. “Depression and the Response of Others.” Journal of Abnormal Psychology 85, no. 2 (1976): 186–193.

⁵ Lyubomirsky, S., L. King, and E. Diener. “The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?” Psychological Bulletin 131, no. 6 (2005): 803.

⁶ Lykken, D., and A. Tellegen. “Happiness Is a Stochastic Phenomenon.” Psychological Science 7, no. 3 (1996)

⁷ Weiss, A., T.C. Bates, and M. Luciano. “Happiness Is a Personal (ity) Thing.” Psychological Science 19, no. 3 (2008): 205.

Fujita, F., and E. Diener. “Life Satisfaction Set Point: Stability and Change.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 88, no. 1 (2005): 158.

Deconstructing jealousy—envy, rivalry, uncertainty and jealousy

2012-03-09T19:38:00.001+11:00

If you're polyamorous, then a working knowledge of jealousy is pretty important to have.

Actually, let me correct that. If you're in—or planning to be in—a relationship, then knowing about jealousy is important.

People get jealous all the time, it just that in poly circles people seem to spend a lot more time discussing it. While I'm going to talk about jealousy and polyamorous relationships, this post is really aimed at everyone.

While jealousy can sometimes feel intuitive, there are many complex facets to it, and knowing which facet you're dealing with can really help in finding a satisfying resolution. I had a real light-bulb moment the other day when reading Close Encounters and realised that I'd always thought jealousy could be divided into two different emotions (envy, and true jealousy). I was wrong, jealousy can be divided into four:

Envy

Envy is wanting what someone else has—be that goods, experiences, status, or relationships. It's distinct from true jealousy, which is where you perceive a threat to something you already have. When you tell your friend that you've just purchased a 55 gallon drum of lube and are building the world's most awesome slip'n'slide, it's likely what they're feeling is envy.

You can only feel envy about things you actually desire. I don't experience car envy, because I have no desire to own a car. I do envy other people's popularity or social skills, because those are things which I consider are important features in myself.

Since envy is so closely linked to what an individual values, it's possible for romantic partners to experience envy over entirely different things. This is an important observation, because you could be making your partner envious and not even realising it.

For this reason, if you find yourself envious—and that's bothering you—then please, tell your partner. "Hey honey, I know you're having a great holiday, but I'm having a pretty hard time with work." I know I've made the mistake of thinking news of my joyful successes would make a partner happy, but instead resulted in a degree of envy instead. Luckily, my partners do a great job of giving me feedback.

Envy can be a big deal in relationships which are moving from a closed to open model; if one person gains a new lover—and their partner does not—then it can be easy to become envious of their new experiences, successes, and emotional state. It's common in many polyamorous relationships to ensure you're doing something really fun when a partner goes on a date, simply because it's hard to feel envy when you're having an amazing time. Conversely, staying at home and doing the laundry is a great way to invoke envy while your partner is in someone else's arms.

Couples moving to an open relationship can will sometimes find that things become much less stressful once both partners have lovers—not only is envy reduced, but both being in similar situations can provide a shared perspective which can significantly reduce uncertainty.

I've seen envy develop over things such as experiences and activities. While an existing partner may not feel threatened by a new one, they might feel that they're missing out on awesome dates and cool activities. The most obvious and effective solution here is to make sure existing partners don't feel left out—a candlelit dinner, a weekend away, or an invitation to your new slip'n'slide are all great solutions here.

Rivalry

When two people are competing for something that neither one of them has, then rivalry exists. That might be competition for a position at work, the affection of another person, or a position on a committee. While rivalry often discussed with regards to young siblings, I know that I personally encounter social or status rivalry in terms of popularity and recognition.

One can be friendly rivals, or bitter rivals, or even ignorant rivals, where one person is unaware the other person views the situation as rivalry.

I won't be discussing rivalry in depth here, since in my experiences it's much less of a problem than the other facets of jealousy, however relational psychology does classify it separately.

Uncertainty

Guerrero (1998) does an outstanding job systematically identifying different responses people have to jealousy-style emotions. What's most interesting here is that a significant chunk of the jealousy response is aimed directly at reducing uncertainty.

Contacting rivals, engaging in surveillance behaviour, suspicion and worry—these are all things which are done to gain information, or which are anxiety caused by a lack of information.

In poly circles, it's very common to try and have partners meet each other. This is a direct way of reducing uncertainty in relationships. Keeping partners up-to-date with what's happening, and what might happen, are other important ways to reduce uncertainty. Good communication seems to be a mainstay in long-term polyamorous relationships.

Because jealousy can happen in response to imagined threats, it's important to be proactive with uncertainty reduction. If your partners get used to you letting them know about things you feel might be important to them, they'll feel much more at ease, and much less worried that there might be something you're not telling them. Conversely, if your partner doesn't tell you something you'd like to have known earlier, let them know in a friendly and non-accusatory fashion; there's a chance they simply didn't know that was important to you.

Jealousy

True jealousy is a threat response—a new person, event, or circumstances are threatening something you already have. Jealousy doesn't need to be restricted to relationships; you can be jealous because you think your housemate is secretly eating the ice-cream you've stowed in the freezer. However when it comes to relationships, the most serious form is romantic jealousy.

While jealousy is always associated with a perceived threat, that threat needn't actually be real. In a monogamous relationship, one can be completely emotionally and sexually faithful, and still have a partner who feels jealous when you spend time with an attractive friend.

This, combined with uncertainty, is one of the reasons why new partners in polyamorous relationships usually provoke many more jealous emotions than existing partners.

I know from personal experience that I don't feel worried at all if a new person I'm dating has existing partners—they're simply not a threat. However I'll easily become jittery and worried if someone new arrives on the scene with one of my existing partners. What if this means I don't get to see my partner as often? What if they find the other person more fun or exciting? What if we're having problems, and I think they're finding someone else as a means of escape? Jealousy, envy, uncertainty and self-doubt can all easily come out at this stage.

Making sure that your partners are feeling secure at any point in the relationship, but it's especially important if you're starting to see someone new. Be more pro-active in scheduling time with them, and make sure they feel appreciated—you'll go a long way to reducing any jealous feelings they might have. Research has also shown that jealousy is also much more common in dissatisfying relationships, so making sure everyone is happy and has their needs met is a great way to prevent jealousy from occurring in the first place.

And, as always, if you or your partner is feeling nervous or anxious about something, please talk about it. This isn't just speculation, there's a serious amount of psychology research that shows that calm, reasoned, and non-threatening communication greatly improves relationships that are in distress, and relationships experiencing jealousy in particular.

Finally, if you do construct that awesome slip'n'slide, invite me to the party?

Selected References

Further references available upon request.

Guerrero, Laura K., Peter A. Andersen, and Walid A. Afifi. Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships. Third ed. Sage Publications, Inc, 2010.

Guerrero, Laura K. “Attachment‐style Differences in the Experience and Expression of Romantic Jealousy.” Personal Relationships 5, no. 3 (September 1, 1998): 273–291.

Fighting for no reason—how we're hard-wired to be hostile

2012-03-06T15:21:00.002+11:00

I've been doing a lot of reading about relational psychology, and one fascinating chapter from my book on non-verbal communication mentions that one of the predictors of a satisfying relationship is the ability to successfully read (or "decode") the emotions of your partner.

Let's be clear about what this is saying: people who are skilled emotional decoders will have happier and more satisfying relationships. Conversely, if you're poor at reading emotions, you can find relationships are that much more troublesome and difficult to maintain.

That makes sense intuitively, but what's fascinating is looking at the actual mechanics of how humans decode emotions. Put simply, there are two big ways we consistently get things wrong:

We can interpret the presence of an emotion, when no emotion actually exists.
We can interpret an emotion as the wrong one.

As it happens, humans have very strong biases when it comes to emotional decoding, and those biases contribute greatly to relational distress. In fact, when it comes to relationships, it's hard to imagine how things could be worse:

Humans are hard-wired to see emotions when none exist. What's more, we are hard-wired to view ambiguous emotions as negative.

You see this all the time, even with completely neutral or even positive expressions. A smile or laugh will be interpreted as contempt. A neutral sentence will be interpreted as a hostile one. A joke or quip will be interpreted as sarcasm. A lack of response will be interpreted as disapproval, shunning, or rejection. I'm not saying those interpretations are always going to be wrong, but when we do misinterpret, it's almost always in the negative direction.

Why?

Why do we have such a horribly maladaptive bias when it comes to emotional decoding?

Well, it all has to do with evolution. It's often said that the biggest threat to humans are other humans, and so from a survival standpoint it's absolutely essential that we're able to detect threatening behaviour. Missing a threat signal could result in a javelin to the neck. Seeing a threat where none exists might cause tension and misery, but it's much less likely you'll end up dead.

In the world of evolutionary psychology, having a pulse reigns supreme. Being happy might be nice, but it's in no way essential to your genes reproducing. Consequently, seeing hostility where none is exists is evolutionary advantageous compared to seeing warmth where none exists.

And how do we react to seeing hostility? We get defensive. We examine things more critically to look for more threats. We keep our distance, so we have a better chance of surviving if a threat exists. Some emotions, like anger, are very likely to be reciprocated—that's a real problem if there wasn't actually any anger to begin with.

At this point, things tend to spiral. All that defensiveness increases our tendencies to view things as hostile, and suddenly there's an argument that's literally occurring over nothing. At this point some tangential issue often gets grafted into the argument, and very real disagreement occurs where none previously existed.

So, what the hell can we do about this?

Well, one of the biggest things is simply being aware that the effect exists in the first place. I hugely appreciate it when a partner tell me that they've got a headache, or they've been stressed at work; it means that when I encounter a reaction I don't expect, I'm much less likely to view that as a negative response against me.

Because we tend to interpret things more negatively than they really are, you can try to counter things by mindfully putting a more positive spin on interactions with your partner. In fact, that's almost always a good idea anyway; one the most effective forms of relational maintenance is expression of positive affect—in other words, just being nice to someone. Smile when they enter the room, look interested in what they have to say, do all those things which show that you care and that they're important.

If you find yourself interpreting something as negative, then stop and think if that's really the case. Could you be getting it wrong? Heck, I'll even go out on a limb and suggest that you should even ask if you're not sure. "Hey lovely, I'm having trouble reading emotions today; you're not angry, are you?"

On that note, show your partners this article. It'd be a tragedy if you asked if they were angry, and they interpreted that negatively. Hopefully, after reading this, they'll realise that you're simply trying to correct a cognitive bias. If you're really lucky, you can catch yourselves having a dispute when none should exist, and nip it in the bud.

Finally, work on your emotional decoding; I assure you, it's something which can be trained. Observe people—especially yourself and your partners—and watch when you interpret things correctly or incorrectly. Just as importantly—if not more so—is to watch when other people get things wrong. Social situations, outings with friends, train stations: these all provide a rich environment where you can observe others and learn from them. Watching others has the advantage that since you're not personally involved, your own biases are less likely to come into play.

Oh, and if someone's running at you with a javelin? Trust your instincts; they're still good at that sort of thing.

References

Gaelick, Lisa, Galen V. Bodenhausen, and Robert S. Wyer. “Emotional Communication in Close Relationships.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 49, no. 5 (1985): 1246–1265.

Guerrero, Laura K., and Kory Floyd. Nonverbal Communication in Close Relationships. Routledge, 2006.

Noller, Patricia. “Gender and Marital Adjustment Level Differences in Decoding Messages from Spouses and Strangers.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 41, no. 2 (1981): 272–278.

Noller, Patricia. “Misunderstandings in Marital Communication: A Study of Couples’ Nonverbal Communication.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 39, no. 6 (1980): 1135–1148.

Rerolling your attitude—how I became popular with pirates and strangers

2012-02-26T19:03:00.002+11:00

Yesterday I was at a friend's birthday party, and she mentioned an event a number of years ago that was life-changing for the both of us. It was a pirate parade, and if you look at our most valued social circles, an awful lot of them be traced back to that one fateful day.

While pirates are pretty darn cool, it wasn't the parade itself that made this such a special event for me. It was the attitudes I had developed around it.

I'd long been used to flying off to other countries and having an amazing time, but spending time at home was just ordinary. While part of this was a special case of the contrast effect (coming home meant I went from being a rockstar to doing my laundry and taxes), the overall reason for the difference is that my attitude was fundamentally different when overseas.

Put simply, when travelling, I thought this:

I don't know anyone here. I can risk making a fool of myself, and trying new things, because if they don't work out then it doesn't matter; I'm gone in a week.

In fact, the effect was even more strong than this. Because I didn't know anyone, I could project any personality I wanted. My friends weren't going to be shocked or confused or outraged, because the people I'd be talking to were strangers—they didn't know I was supposed to be a socially awkward geek.

And so, when travelling, I had a different persona. I dressed up in costumes. I talked about wacky things. I actively sought adventure. I tried new things. All because I could do so without risk of serious embarrassment, and without risk of breaking existing expectations.

In fact, travel pushed me into having fun. With only a week in a city, I had to see and do all that I could during that short time. I had to meet people, because otherwise I wouldn't know anyone. I wanted to get out and experience things, because I might not have a chance to do them again. In my hometown, there are things I've never done, simply because they'd always been there, but I had no pressure to do them.

What made the pirate parade special was that it was me applying my travelling attitude at home. This wasn't some amazing process of reinventing my personality, it was much simpler than that...

I didn't know anyone at the pirate parade. I could risk making a fool of myself, and trying new things, because if they don't work out then it doesn't matter; everyone's gone at the end of the day.

The result was that I had an amazing time. Lots of people had dressed up, so it was easy to approach strangers, complement them on their outfits, and start a conversation. Nobody knew me, so there were no feelings to get hurt if I excused myself and butterflied over to another group. Throughout the day small groups of strangers slowly formed larger bands while marching, and I ended up with a rag-tag crew of salty dogs, many of whom didn't really know each other before that day.

That small group—most of whom I stayed in touch with to varying degrees—formed the nexus of a completely new social circle for me; one that just expected me to have great social skills and a sense of adventure, because that's what I had on the pirate parade.

So, if you've been feeling frustrated with your current social situation, I want you to try something. Go and find an event with people you don't know. That could be a munch from FetLife, or a bunch of strangers from MeetUp, or just something you've seen in a paper. It's even better if it's something which pushes your comfort zone a little bit. Go there, and enjoy the company of strangers. If it sucks, you can always leave, and if it's good then you might find yourself at a party years later, talking about how a bunch of strangers changed your life.

Dialectic Tension - Why your partner can't make up their mind

2011-12-05T19:12:00.001+11:00

Most people have been in a relationship where at some point their partner seemed to strangely change their opinions. Last week they wanted more time together, this week they want to be alone. What gives, and why do they keep changing their mind?

People, and relationships, are never stable; there's always change. One of the reasons for this change is a mental conflict called dialectic tension. This is a fancy psychologist term which describes contradictory desires, both of which are seen as valuable.

If you've ever wanted to tell your partner something, but you're worried about how they might react, then you know exactly how dialectic tension feels. Part of you wants to be open, but another part wants to avoid being vulnerable.

There's a seemingly endless number of dialectic tensions you can find. You might want to do chores when you're at home, but you also want to relax and engage in your favourite leisure activity. You might want to spend time with a partner, but you also want your independence. You want to eat ice-cream, but you also want to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Dialectic tensions are always shifting, and they can depend upon both external factors (like how you're feeling), as well as experiences directly relevant to the tension itself. Often, priorities will slosh back and forth. If you haven't seen a partner in a long time, you're probably more eager than ever to see them again. However if you've just eaten a whole tub of ice-cream, chances are you won't really want another, at least for a little while.

Major Tensions

Baxter and Ebert (1999) explore six major dialectic tensions, of which three present internally to a relationship, namely connection-autonomy (wanting to be close to a partner, versus wishing to be independent), predictability-novelty (wanting to be able to predict what's going to happen in a relationship, versus wanting there to be excitement and spontaneity), and openness-closedness (wanting open communication versus wishing privacy). Since this blog often deals with non-monogamous issues, I'm going to add a fourth dialectic tension to the mix: exclusivity-openness (the desire to have a single partner versus the desire to pursue others).

Because dialectics are inherently unstable, your mind will change over time, and so will your partner's. Often you won't notice, because both your minds will change the same way. If you haven't seen each other for a while, you'll probably be happy to see each other. If you've both been feeling a little smothered, you might be glad to have a day apart.

There are two ways in which dialectic tension can cause problems in a relationship. Firstly, partners might have conflicting overall desires; for example, one may have a greater need for excitement, the other may wish for more stability. In this case, the conflict may be dealt with by selecting only one side (which leaves a partner unsatisfied), arranging to meet the opposing needs at different times (perhaps by planning adventures or nights in together), finding an ongoing compromise (a regular activity that's mutually acceptable), or even avoiding the issue. For communication-related dialectic tensions, topical segmentation is common, where some topics are free to discuss at any time, whereas others (usually those which are a source of conflict or anxiety) might only be discussed in controlled circumstances, or avoided entirely.

It's also possible to resolve conflict through reframing, in which the tension may re-evaluated as positive. Often this involves finding silver linings (it's okay that my partner had to cancel, because it means I can play Skyrim), or using creative measures to satisfy otherwise seemingly opposed goals (singing Buffy songs while vacuuming, thereby fulfilling desires for both entertainment and housework). Sometimes, reframing may require significant mental gymnastics or brainstorming.

Problems can also arise in relationships when dialectic tensions "switch sides". You might be used to a partner always being very independent, but now they want to be much closer. Perhaps they previously always wanted excitement, but now they're unhappy when you can't both get into a stable routine. This apparent change in behaviour can be seen as confronting, inconsistent, or just plain confusing. On the flip side, this change may also be very welcome, as it may better fit your own desires; in that case, problems may manifest when it reverts.

Whatever the case, the change in desirability of these opposing goals are a natural part of a relationship, and they can just as easily change back over time. Because dialectic tensions are always in a state of flux, you should be mindful that a change in dynamics may be caused by either yourself or your partner changing, or you might have both shifted positions.

Rather than being confused by your own behaviour, or that of your partner's, be aware that we naturally want these opposing values. We are naturally hypocrites, and in this particular case, there's no shame in that. Conflict relating to a person having seemingly contradictory values will happen in any significant relationship over time.

Dialectic tensions and non-monogamous relationships

Interestingly enough, non-monogamous relationships can be a way of addressing some dialectic tensions, if it allows those tensions to be resolved by another partner. For example, a person may pursue both sides of the predictability-novelty dialectic with different partners. To give an example, I've encountered a number of people in long-term committed relationships which have been opened specifically to allow one or both partners to explore the novelty of kink.

Of course, non-monogamous relationships also introduce their own dialectics. For example, there might be times when you want to hear about your partner's other lovers, and may be other times when you do not. You might want to have some say about how new partners are introduced, but at the same time you may wish to trust your partner and give them the freedom to use their judgement.

While being aware of dialectic tension won't stop it from occurring, it can help you understand what's going on. It's my hope this will make your conflicts more manageable as a result.

A simple guide to counselling

2011-11-13T20:51:00.001+11:00

I often find myself in the role of counsellor. Not just with good friends, but sometimes with people I've only just met. I hear about relationship difficulties, medical problems, sexual histories, mental illnesses, problems at work, social dysfunction, or just having a really bad day. I'm both honoured and humbled that people trust me enough to share their experiences with me.

Recently, I've been the one who has needed counselling. I'm not afraid to reach out for help when I need it, and I'm tremendously thankful to everyone who has provided me with support, including all my friends who didn't even know they were providing support.

Once thing I've discovered from being on both sides of the fence recently is that providing effective counselling is not necessarily intuitive; some people don't know how to start, or are just worried that the support they provide will not be very good. I'm not a professional counsellor, but I'd still like to share with you my advice on what to do if someone asks you for help, or if you think they could do with support.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"
These are basic questions, but they show that you care, and you're willing to help. Often someone will want to talk, but needs to feel safe that they can do so, and know the person they're talking to will be understanding and receptive. Even if someone doesn't want to talk, asking if they're okay shows that you care.
It's okay if they don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes a person will be down, and they might even tell you that, but they won't want to talk about it. That doesn't mean that they think you're a untrustworthy or bad; there's an endless number of reasons why they won't want to talk about things. It could be that they don't want to think about it right now, or they just need more time before they're ready. They might not know you well enough, or might know you too well, or they could just a very private person. If you're at all offended by them not wanting to talk, then they'll be less likely to open up to you in the future.

Often someone won't want to talk right now, might later. If it feels appropriate, I'll let the person know that's okay.

"I understand. Just to let you know, if later on you need someone to listen, then I'm cool with that."
Listen, Distract, or Advise?
There are three broad patterns that arise in counselling, and it helps immensely to know what your confidant needs from you. If they want to talk, they usually want someone to listen to them. Your role here should assisting your friend in talking. Pay attention, acknowledge what they say, even ask questions, but please don't try to give advice. Your friend probably has a lot they want to say, so make sure you don't get in the way of them actually saying it.

Often, someone's who's hurt doesn't want to think about what's causing them pain or anxiety. In this case, your role is to distract. Do fun things, get them involved or thinking about something else. Keep your person engaged, and don't mention what's getting them down. They might bring it up, in which case you can discuss it, but otherwise you don't want to ruin their mood if they're finally happy.

Finally, and very rarely, someone might actually want advice. Most of the benefits of counselling is knowing that someone cares, being able to share experiences, and being able to work things through in one's head; these things have nothing to do with advice. Consequently, I like to be absolutely sure before offering my own opinions. If someone asks "what do you think I should do?" then it's safe to assume they're looking for advice, but otherwise you should check first. If you want to offer advice, make sure it's very clear that it's optional.

"Would you like my thoughts? It's okay if you don't."
Ask questions, but don't expect answers.
Sometimes people want to talk about something, but they need a little prompting. If your friend mentions something that sounds like it could be significant, then feel free to ask about it if there's a lull in conversation. If your friend mentions something, and then stops and looks at you for a response, then you should definitely be asking about it; they're probably looking for permission to talk about that topic.

Asking questions shows that you're paying attention to what's being said, and that you actually care. It's a core part of active listening. However you shouldn't expect answers to any of your questions; your friend might be uncomfortable going into details, think that particular topic isn't relevant, or they might just have other things they want to talk about more.

"Did you want to talk more about <topic>? It's okay if you don't."
Don't freak out.
If someone wants to talk, it's usually about something bad that's happened to them. Sometimes people will have very bad experiences. They might be events from their past, or they might have been very recent. Very bad experiences can be confronting, and it's natural to feel some distress when hearing about them, especially if they've happened to someone you care about.

However you're the one providing support. That doesn't mean you should be cold and unemotional, but it does mean you can't be the one freaking out; if you do, then now there are two people needing support. This also impacts their ability to reach out for help in the future, because they don't want to make their friends distressed. If you're not sure what to say, then ask how they coped with their experience, or what happened next; that will help show them that you're okay with hearing this, and prompt them to be able to talk more.

I've had a lot of people tell me a lot of awful things, and predominantly they've thanked me for just listening, and not reacting strongly or trying to give advice.
Ask if they need a hug.
Some people won't, but a lot will. For those who want a hug, providing one can make things feel so much better. When giving hugs, you generally you want the person you're counselling to set the tone of the hug, and to initiate the disengage. Don't be surprised if the hug goes on for a long time, or your friend starts crying. Hugs often provide a means of emotional release, of which your friend might be in serious need.
Even if it's not a big deal to you, it is a big deal to them.
Everyone has different problems, different experiences, and is affected by things in different ways. Something might not seem like a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to them. Don't tell your friend that their issues aren't important, and especially don't say that your issues are bigger than theirs, or they should somehow just "get over it" or "toughen up".
Don't judge.
Counselling is innately about helping someone with their emotions and thoughts, and often the person you're counselling might express negative opinions about a third party. I sometimes encounter this in the case of a failed friendship or relationship, but there are many reasons why someone might feel negatively about a person.

While it's fine to be sympathetic, try to avoid the trap of saying bad things about the third party as well. Likewise, try to stop your own negative opinions of others influence the conversation. Often your friend will still be trying to figure out how they feel about others, and by confirming their beliefs that someone is "bad", you might cement their thoughts and turn what might be a shaky yet recoverable friendship into something which is lost completely.

Exceptions do apply here. If you're certain that someone's been assaulted or otherwise seriously and intentionally harmed, you have quite reasonable cause to form a strong opinion.
Relate to shared experiences.
Sometimes people will feel like they're the only ones to have a particular problem, or to have endured a particular ordeal. Often, when someone asks to be consoled or counselled, they just want to feel understood. If you've gone through what they're going through now, and you feel comfortable discussing your own experiences, then do so.

You'll need to watch their body language and reactions here. Your friend might not want to listen to other people's stories, or they might not think your experience is all that similar, or they just might just have more things they want to talk about first.

However, sharing one's experience, and assuring someone they're not alone in what they're going through, can be amazingly cathartic. I've seen people experience immense relief upon hearing common stories and problems; you should never underestimate the importance of this technique.
What's said in counselling, stays in counselling.
Talking about one's problems is part of the healing process, but doing so is very personal, and often involves revealing information that's very private, and often uncomfortable.

I'll regularly assure my friends that I'll forget everything they say at the end of the conversation; it will be like it never happened. Of course I can't really do that, but it makes it very clear that I have no expectation of using, sharing, or even thinking about what they've revealed during our session. It won't affect our friendship, or how we interact, unless they ask it to. It's very reassuring to know that there are no repercussions from opening up. Obviously, it goes without saying that if you make this promise, you must keep it.

There is an exception to this rule. If the person you're counselling appears to be in imminent risk from themselves or others, or is making specific threats to harm a third party, then you're completely justified in calling the authorities to intervene. Your friend may never forgive you for doing this, but losing a friendship is better than losing a friend.
Don't expect gratitude.
Unless you're a paid professional, then counselling someone is an inherently selfless act. The person you're consoling has a lot on their mind, and they're not always going to remember that you helped. You should never expect a thank-you, a favour, or anything in return for what you're doing; that's just not how it works. In fact, expecting anything in return can result in the person you've consoled feeling guilty, or even betrayed, and that won't be good for either of you.
If you're the wrong person, say so.
For whatever reason, you might be the wrong person to act as counsellor. Maybe you have to leave in five minutes. Maybe you have strong opinions which you know will interfere with your ability to just sit and listen. Maybe the topic they want to discuss makes you feel deeply uncomfortable.

It's okay to say that you can't help, but it will help a lot if you can say why. Opening up to someone is an inherently vulnerable act, and having your would-be counsellor reject you can be painful. You want to make sure that you show that you care, even though you can't provide support right now. "Hey, I have to leave in five minutes, but I really care about you; can we get together to talk about this over coffee tomorrow?" or even "I'm really sorry, but I have a lot of history with <topic/person>, so this is something I find really difficult to talk about; is there another way I can help?"

Please don't decline someone's request for help just because you don't think you're any good at providing support. Asking for help requires a lot of courage, and the fact that you're the one being asked for help means something. Maybe you're special to them. Maybe they really trust you. Maybe they feel you've gone through something similar.

And maybe, just maybe, they don't have anyone else to talk to. Your inexperienced counselling is vastly preferable to being alone.
You will screw up.
Sometimes you'll try your best, and you still won't be able to help. Sometimes, very rarely, you'll make things worse. There'll also be times when you feel that you haven't made a difference, or that you simply weren't good enough. There'll be times when your best efforts didn't amount to much, but what seemed to cheer the person up was a cup of tea, or a picture of a cat, or the colour teal.

Don't be disheartened; it's very common for counselling to let someone process their thoughts enough that the next stimulus can cheer them up. Plus, the benefit you bring when you really make a difference will far outweigh the few times when you're left feeling you could have done more.

If this guide has helped you, or you think it might help others, please consider sharing it using the tools below. If you have your own advice or stories to tell, please feel free to add your own comments. Comments can be made anonymously if you wish.

If you are in crisis, in Australia, and need someone to talk to, you can call LifeLine on 13 11 14 (24hrs) for the cost of a local call, or free from your mobile phone. You may also wish to consider supporting Lifeline in supporting others.

Personal Polyamory - Why it's important my partners have partners

2011-09-21T01:38:00.001+10:00

Earlier this year, I was sharing a bottle of red with a friend of mine who happens to be a talented and brilliant criminal psychologist. On this particular occasion we were discussing dating science, although with strong psychology and neuroscience overtones. Out of the blue, and with a smile that assured me that this was intended as a compliment, she said something that completely threw me.

"You should never have kids," she commented, sipping her wine, "for the same reason I shouldn't have them. We both know they won't turn out to be people; they'll just turn out to be whatever we engineer them to be."

My companion's comments were timely ones; we'd been discussing the difficult task of ensuring that a potential partner is actually a good fit. After a lively discussion on the psychology of relationships, we'd come to the conclusion that it's much easier to simply convince someone (and ourselves) that they are a good fit, regardless of whether or not that's actually the case. In fact, we'd both observed and experienced a number of relationships which were poor fits, but which initially seemed to be good ones; parts of the limbic system are just too easily tricked.

In between discussions of what to do on a first date, how to effectively conduct a relationship meeting, and how to regulate neuromoderators to control attachment, it came to me that one of the reasons I was polyamorous was due to the matter of partner compatibility. In essence, I want to make sure my partners have other choices, because it means they're spending time with me by choice, and not just by default.

This isn't just something I believe in when it came to relationships, but it also applies to my attitude towards business, and friendship, and my professional endeavours. Having someone choose me, even when they have other options, makes that choice much more genuine, and means it's much more likely that I'm representing true value (or marginal utility, if you're an economist).

Of course, this isn't the only reason why I'm polyamorous. I'm utterly in love with humanity, and I keep finding people who exemplify so many of the qualities that I adore. That they're able to play a larger role in my life is deeply rewarding.

However the most important reason I'm polyamorous is because it means that nobody has to be perfect. There's no requirement that I have one partner who can somehow fulfil all my needs and desires. More significantly, there's no requirement that I need to be perfect. I still need to communicate with my partners, and learn what they need, even if they can't always say it. But as long as I understand, and do my best, it's okay for me not to be perfect, and I know that I'm still loved for just being me.

Being social with sex workers: how not to be a jerk

2011-09-12T21:35:00.001+10:00

This is a special guest post by the wonderfully talented and charming Natalie London.

Image by brh_images, CC-BY 2.0

Let's say you're at a tea party, a gaming convention, a steampunk masquerade ball - some kind of social event. You meet some new people, and want to get to know them. You're chatting to one of them, and you're trying to make conversation. Because you care about such things, or more likely because you don't have a huge repertoire of small talk, you ask what they do for a living. "I'm a stripper" is the blithe response. Naturally, you respond with... actually, how do you respond?

This is where I can help you. I am a stripper. I'm up-front about this I'm asked what I do for a living. I've seen the way a lot of people react upon finding out that I'm a stripper, and a lot of it's been inappropriate. In fact, I can often use their reaction as a kind of litmus test to see if they're worth getting to know. So now I'm going to give you a few pointers on how to treat strippers and other sex workers, when you meet them outside of work (how to treat sex workers at work is a whole other thing) when you want to be friendly, and not act like a jerk. My focus here will be on dancers, because that's what I'm most familiar with, but this applies to other sex workers as well.

But first, I'd just like to remind you that you already know sex workers. You may or may not know who they are. Chances are, if you're one of the people who doesn't treat sex workers well, you just don't know. But I can guarantee that someone you know has done sex work. Maybe even someone close to you. We are real people, with lives outside of our jobs.

Which brings me nicely to my first point, which is:

1. Don't be surprised when you meet someone who works in the sex industry.

As I've said, we exist outside of our jobs. We have interests, hobbies, friends and families. If you're gonna be all "Haha, I never thought I'd meet a stripper on a bus!" you're deluded. And a jerk. I mean, you don't really think I live at work do you? Or do you think we all live out on Sex Worker Island and don't interact with the general public except when we're working? Seriously. We exist. We're normal people. Move on.

2. When someone tells you they're a sex worker, try responding the same way you would if they'd said anything else.

In fact, imagine that instead of "stripper" they said "accountant." Now go over whatever it is you were going to say. Is it still appropriate? No? Then it isn't appropriate to say to a stripper. I'll go through some examples of things that people have said to me, and you can see if you can figure out why they're not appropriate to say to a total stranger.

"Oh, I'm so sorry"
"You must make a lot of money. Next round's on you"
"Oh wow, that's hot! I love accountants!"
"Oh, well that's ok" (sidenote: it's amazing how many people seem to think I need validation for what is basically just my job)
"Ooh, I know someone who's girlfriend is an accountant, do you know her?"
"Ooh, I know someone who's girlfriend is an accountant, blah blah, look how progressive and understanding I am."
"Isn't that, like, so degrading?"
"You don't look like an accountant!"
"But you're so pretty/smart/funny, you could do so much better."

Again, if you wouldn't say these things to an accountant, then don't say them to a sex worker.

Yes, I've heard variations on all of these statements, often straight after meeting people. Let me assure you, saying something like that won't endear you to any sex worker I know. In fact, I think most of the people who pass my litmus test simply say something like "oh, cool" and move on.

3. Don't make assumptions about a person's job unless you, personally, have done that job too.

That one actually applies to pretty much all jobs, but I find that when you work in the sex industry, suddenly everyone knows what your job entails, what sucks about it, what got you into it, why it's really bad for you, lots about how much money you make, and even how you spend it.

Once someone (even a complete stranger) knows about my job, they also suddenly seem to know about my personal life, and how my job is affecting that. If you're reading this and you're not a sex worker, just try to imagine for a moment someone making all of these assumptions about you and your job. There are always assumptions about boring accountants, diva actresses, ruthless and uncaring lawyers, computer programmers who lack all personal hygiene and social skills, but surely by adulthood we all know that they're just tired old stereotypes, and that what people do for a living isn't really that important?

So try to do the same for sex workers. Don't assume you know how hard my job is, or why. Don't assume my job is the reason I'm single, if I am, or the reason for my relationship problems if I'm not. Don't be surprised that I read books and have geeky hobbies. For goodness' sake don't assume you know how much money I make! Don't think you know what my relationship with my customers is like. Don't even think you know what my childhood was like, or what got me into doing what I do. Just don't.

4. Limit your curiosity.

If you don't know someone that well, then respect that they may not want to answer a barrage of questions about what they do. Yes, I know that it's exotic and interesting, and you want to know all the gritty details, but so does everyone else. Sometimes I like talking about my work. Sometimes I want to correct peoples' assumptions about it. Sometimes I just want to enjoy the freakin' pasta at this dinner party! I imagine that many other people are the same.

This also goes for asking for demonstrations and tips. Some strippers may want to show you their pole dancing prowess on the nearest street sign. Some hookers might be happy to give you tips on giving a blowjob. Hell, some computer programmers might be happy to fix your computer. But you need to respect that this is their job, and they may not want to be doing it right now, for you, for free.

I'm not saying that you can't ask a person about their job if you're genuinely interested. But try to find an appropriate time and place, and make sure they don't feel obligated to tell you everything about their job, right now! Confronting someone whom you've barely spoken to, in the middle of a dinner party, about why their chosen profession is degrading and sexist (as I've actually had happen to me) could be considered rude. Asking a non-loaded question in a quiet setting, within a conversation, is much more likely to be appropriate.

Another thing to try to remember is that if you find it interesting and want to know more, then it's quite likely that so do other people. For a sex worker who is out, in a non-sex worker dominated community, this can mean that you get told the same things, and asked the same questions, over and over again. We also get a lot of stigma based on what we do. Sometimes, for me, it feels like I have to justify my decision to do my job, when what I really want to do is just relax. So if you're actually looking to make someone comfortable, or become friends with them, then try treating them like normal people, who have a normal job. Because that's what we are.

In fact, all of my points basically boil down to: Treat sex workers like you'd treat anyone else.

Surely that can't be too hard?

Cheat codes for dating

2011-08-22T09:38:00.001+10:00

If you spend as much time playing games as I do, you'll be familiar with cheat codes. These codes, built into the game, provide an (often unfair) advantage. Sometimes they take time and dedication to unlock, but they're available to anyone with the knowledge to use them.

I don't consider cheat codes to be restricted to games; ever since I realised that the words Banking Ombudsman would get me outstanding service at my local financial institution, I spent a lot of time looking for cheat codes at life. Below are a few cheat codes (of various difficulty) that I've unlocked or am trying to unlock when it comes to dating:

Photography

I love photography, and I travel almost everywhere with a modest camera rig for taking good looking portraits in low-light conditions (a Canon 500D and 50mm f/1.8 lens). It's pretty clear both from my camera and my attitude that I'm serious about taking good photographs, however what surprised me is that taking photographs is also an incredibly good way to meet people.

Almost everyone likes having good photographs of themselves taken, especially if they've obviously put some effort into their looks. At a social event one can usually politely compliment someone on what they've spent time on (be it a costume, article of clothing clothing, or other prop), and ask if one can take their photograph. I wear costumes on a regular basis, and I practically throw myself in front of people with big cameras to make sure I can end up with a decent picture.

In many circumstances, the process of taking a photograph itself can be quite flirtatious. As a photographer, it's completely reasonable that I ask someone to change their location for better lighting, or adjust the position of their body. I'll usually tell some corny joke or otherwise use a humourous remark to get them to smile, and these can be appropriately flirtatious when required. Often a happy and interested person will spontaneously pose, pull silly faces, or joke back. After a few shots (or an entire photoshoot) it's possible to go through photographs, which provides a reasonable amount of time together in close proximity. While none of these will necessarily make another person attracted to you, it provides many more opportunities for both parties to let the other know through conversation and body language if they are interested.

Best of all, photography provides an excellent excuse to offer your contact details, or ask for details from your model, simply because you have to get their photographs to them somehow.

If you end up getting a reputation for being a good photographer, you'll find all sorts of other perks. I've had burlesque performers insist that I come to their events so I can photograph them taking their clothes off. I've had numerous events give me free entry because they're familiar with my work. The other day I made a comment about glow-rope on a popular social network, and had no less than six charming people volunteer for me to tie them up and photograph them.
In fact, I've had a number of successful first dates which have involved fetish photography.

If you are using photography as a means of flirtation, then make sure that your model is always feeling comfortable, and that you only take photographs with informed consent. Don't upload bad photographs of people, and certainly don't upload or distribute any risqué photographs without the explicit consent of those posing in them. Not following these rules will make you look like a creepy jerk, and you'll only have a sad life of being ostracised ahead of you.

Wear a hat

Actually, it doesn't need to be a hat. You can have a cool tattoo, or some killer eyelashes, or an awesome cupcake lolita dress, or be dressed like a pirate, or fairy wings, or be juggling, or carrying hula-hoops, or glowing, or have pink hair, or sweet body mods, or any other change to your appearance. One of the difficulties in meeting people is simply finding an appropriate ice-breaker that doesn't feel awkward, and having something that people can obviously comment on makes that much easier.

I happen to have a favourite pirate hat, because it's fun, it's easy for people to start a conversation, and it allows for ridiculous pirate flirting ("may I handle yer sword?"). I've certainly had a number of successful dates, friendships, and relationships which started with "nice hat".

The best thing about strangers approaching you is that they're self-selecting. You already know the person you're interacting with has at least a modest level of interest, otherwise they wouldn't be talking to you. You can also use very specific props (eg, an xkcd t-shirt) to attract a specific target audience (such as geeks).

Take a massage course

I have an interstate lover who's a registered massage therapist, and who provided me with excellent training on how to relax someone's muscles. Many months later I undertook further training by another friend, as well as a formal course at a local higher education centre. Along with photography, my massage skills are one of the best cheat codes I've found for engendering warm feelings.

It's very clear when I'm giving a massage that I'm serious about my knowledge and skills. I ask about allergies, injuries, handedness, profession, and any specific sore or tight areas. I explain the areas that I'll be working on, and check to make sure my subject is happy with each one before I start. Massage is all about making people feel comfortable and relaxed, and making sure you're non-threatening and working with your subject helps to work toward that.

Done properly, massage makes someone happy, relaxed, and pleased that you're touching them. By making sure that your massage remains professional, you can also help demonstrate that you can work with physical boundaries. I usually ask for a hug afterwards as payment; not only does this feel good for everyone involved, but it also gives me an indication of my subject's interest; a longer and tighter hug might indicate that there's some level of attraction.

Learn to Dance

This is a cheat code that I haven't yet unlocked, so I don't have any first-hand stories about how well it works. However dancing is not only fun, but it exists to make you look good: it encourages dressing to look nice, and interaction with potential partners, and showing off those sweet moves you know. It also provides you with opportunities to teach others what you know, and knowledge exchange is one of my favourite ways of flirting.

Smile

By far the easiest cheat code to unlock, smiling makes you more attractive, more approachable, and more popular; in fact, smiling can even cheer you up. Just as importantly, smiling (and happiness) is contagious. Happy people are more fun to be around, more likely to be open to suggestions, and more likely to find you to be attractive.

Don't be creepy

All the cheat codes above are focused on meeting people, and providing easy social leverage to interact with them more. Except for smiling, they won't necessarily increase your attractiveness; instead, they'll act as a multiplier to your natural charms. If you're creepy, then using cheat codes will make you more creepy, so don't do that. Respect boundaries, be polite, and don't expect everyone you talk to will want to jump into bed with you. Consider reading the guide to flirting with geeks if you want further advice.

Other cheat codes?

Do you have other, ethical, techniques that you use for meeting people? If so, I'd love to hear them! Feel free to leave anonymous (or attributed) comments below!

Sex on the road

2011-08-15T10:32:00.000+10:00

Travelling solo brings some unique challenges, especially when it comes to sex. Every year I spend 4-6 months travelling, most of it by myself. The initial excuse is usually something work related, but I frequently extend my time on the road simply for the joy of travel. While many of those trips are short (a week or two), once a year I undertake a 2-3 month hemisphere change so I can avoid winter.

There are many sexy challenges to travel: time-frames are compressed, accommodation may not be suitable, and finding partners may be unconventional. Even if you have established partners in other cities, things can change while you're gone, especially if you've been gone a long time.

So, how do you find sex on the road, and how can you make sure you have plenty of sex when you come home? Here's a few things that have worked for me:

Talk to your partner(s) before you leave. Having a sexy hook-up on the road can be fun, but if you're in an existing relationship where you haven't discussed such things, that sexy hook-up is known as cheating.

It's a good idea to get together with your most significant other(s) before leaving, and talk about expectations. What limits and boundaries do you have in place? How much information should be exchanged about sex that happens while travelling? Are you going to have regular dates with your partner(s) back home via phone or webcam? Are your non-travelling partner(s) getting sufficient attention, affection, and comfort while you're gone?

The more you agree upon beforehand, the less likely anyone is going to get hurt when things do happen.
Use a dating website. I use OkCupid, because it's free, and the matching algorithm does a good job. I usually change my location to my destination a few weeks before I leave; that gives me a chance to get in people's quivers and search results.

For the best results, start contacting people before you arrive at your destination, that way you can have some dates lined up from the get-go. When travelling, about half my partners have been met via OKC. The rest of my partners have been met almost exclusively through geek parties of various descriptions; that isn't because geek communities are an amazing sexual resource, it's simply because I find intelligence to be extremely hot, and so I spend a lot of time flirting with geeks.
Not all intimacy will turn into sex. It's not unusual to find yourself getting intimate (or wanting to get intimate) with someone while you're travelling, but keep in mind that this isn't always going to turn into sex. This might be because you or your partner don't want to go any further. It might be because you don't have a ready place to have the sort of sex you like. I commonly find that people actually have lives, and while they might really like you, they simply don't have any time available before you leave town. There might also be medical reasons, or personal boundaries, or that the person you've met only wants a certain level of intimacy, or wants to take things slowly. Don't be frustrated by this; it's normal, and you're going to find yourself miserable and unattractive if you get hung up on it.

Instead, it helps immensely if your focus is on making sure you, and anyone you're with, is having a good time. That can be conversations, stargazing, board-games, stories, adventures, dancing, photography, massage, knowledge exchange, drinks and meals, and all matter of other things. Personal and sexual intimacy are other ways of having a good time, but if they're the only thing you push for then you're much less likely to get them. Desperation is not sexy, and trying to convince someone to have relations with you that they don't want is seriously not cool.

Making friends is rewarding in itself. Sometimes those friends will include hugs, or kisses hello, or hot make-outs, or shibari and photography, or Star Trek, or sleep-overs, or porn, or dinosaurs, or code, or brain scans, or dancing. Sometimes, sometimes, they'll progress to sex. Meeting people is part of the joy of travelling, so celebrate whatever enjoyable interactions you're having together.
Leave unscheduled time in your travel schedule. If you've completely filled up your calendar, then it can be very hard to find time to organise a date. In each city, I recommend you make sure you have a few evenings free if you plan to be dating, or which can be rescheduled if a date comes along. If you're the sort who always enjoys having plans in advance, then look for events which are fun solo, but where bringing a date won't be problematic.

If you're going on a long trip (2-3 months), and if you're sufficiently comfortable with uncertainty, then I recommend not booking all your flights in advance. There'll be some times where you'll want to spend longer in a particular location, or even return to a previous one. On that note...
Looping back to past locations is good. This isn't just for sexytimes, but looping back is good socially. I'm very social, and need regular contact with lots of people to feel happy. The first time I'm in a city, I put considerable effort into building my social circle. However when I return, I already have a social circle, I know the local events, and I can have a lot more fun.

When it comes to sex, this whole situation is amplified. People lead busy lives, and so when you're first becoming intimate with someone, it's unlikely they're going to have a lot of time. You simply might not be able to organise whatever you want with them with the timeframes you have available. However, people do have time if you give them enough notice. If you're coming back in a couple of weeks, you can often organise something really cool. If you can keep your travel plans flexible, you can use this to your advantage.
Be up front with your situation. That includes your travelling situation, your relationship status, and your sexual health. Here's a list of things to discuss before having sex.
People will change their minds. The person you thought you were going to have sex with might discover their situation has changed, and they're no longer available. That hottie you've been friends with for over a year might decide that you're actually looking pretty darn good right now. Change and the unexpected are staples of travelling, and it will help immensely if you're able to roll with both the good and the bad.

One of the reasons for making friends and not worrying about intimacy is that sometimes those friends will develop into sometime more over time. I can be shy at times, but I try to let people know when I find them attractive, so if their feelings do develop, they're more likely to let me know.
Don't expect sex from couchsurfing. To allow me to travel so much, I spend a lot of time sleeping on people's couches (and spare rooms, and lofts, and basements). Despite me using the phrase 'couchsurfing', I don't actually use the couchsurfing website to find accommodation. Usually I arrange accommodation through existing friends, my extended network of contacts, and generous people from OkCupid.

Yes, OkCupid. Because they have a match algorithm, it's easier for me to find people whom I'll get along with well. Of course, if you're ever considering staying with strangers, you should exercise common sense. Let friends know where you are, meet your prospective host in a neutral situation first, and don't do anything that makes you feel unsafe.

Couchsurfing is a great way to meet new people and save money at the same time, but it's not good for sex. Unless your host is very understanding and an existing good friend, it's probably going to be uncomfortable if you arrive home with a new lover.

Couchsurfing is also bad if your host is incredibly hot, simply because it produces such incredibly awkward failure conditions. Flirting commonly occurs on neutral grounds, such as a club, party, adventure, or even on-line. A neutral situation allows either party to exit the situation relatively easily if they're feeling uncomfortable. However if you're staying with someone, then things can get awkward and stay awkward. Your host can hardly throw you out onto the street, and it's not like you can elegantly exit the situation; I mean really, what are you going to say? "Hey, since you don't want to have sex with me, I'm going to go stay somewhere else." Even if things go well, then if either you or your new sweetie are non-monogamous, you'll need to consider how your live-in situation is going to work with other partners.

In my experience, the very best people to couchsurf with are sex-positive kinksters. They can tell you about local events, introduce you to fabulous people, and are much more likely to arrange accommodation so you can bring potential lovers home. On my most recent trip, one of my most very favourite people in the whole world was hosting me, and she made it abundantly clear that I should be bringing lovers home if the opportunity arose.
If you stay with a lover, make sure they get enough space. If you're lucky enough to spend some of your trip with a lover, make sure they're getting enough personal time and space. They still have a life they have to lead, and they're almost certainly used to having more time to themselves.

"Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you, but I just want to make sure you're also getting enough enough personal time," is a great way to start. It's clear communication, and it means your partner can more easily raise any issues they might have. If your partner has other lovers, then make sure they're not being adversely impacted by your presence; this is not only good manners, but it greatly increases your chances of being welcome back in the future.

Everyone is different, so make sure you talk to your lover to ensure they're happy with your arrangements. This also gives you the opportunity to express your own need for personal space, or to see other people if you need to.
Be prepared to pay for a hotel occasionally. This is especially the case if you're going to have sex with other travellers. Sex in a dormitory or on a friend's couch might be hot, but it's not respectful of others.

A lack of suitable accommodation can also be a chance for you to fulfil that fantasy of having steamy sex in a dark alleyway, or in a fire escape, but that definitely depends upon you finding the right partner. If you're like me, and enjoy snuggles, you'll still want to have a place to retire to afterwards.
Pack toys and supplies! At the very least you should have condoms and lube, but you should be packing the things you find really fun. For me, that includes lots of rope, but also my camera and massage oil. I also have a hand-held TENS unit that makes a great ice-breaker.
Expect missed opportunities. Travel is full of them, and you'll go mad if you spend your time worrying about could-haves and might-have-beens.

Hopefully your travel will be fun and sexy! If you have your own tips, especially if you've found things which have worked very well (or very poorly!) then please feel free to use the comments below!

A guide to flirting with geeks

2011-08-09T06:53:00.000+10:00

Since I was young, I knew I was a little different from the other kids. At eight I'd started a roleplaying club and wrote an essay about my first D&D character; by high school I'd coded a printer driver so I could print my Lord of the Rings book report in Cirth runes on my Commodore 64. It was pretty clear that I was headed toward geekdom, and while I was excited about the various class abilities I would gain, I also showed signs of the classic geek downfall. Social awkwardness.

In particular, I was socially awkward when it came to dating. I had no idea how things were supposed to work, it took me forever to realise that someone was attracted to me, and I had no idea how to tell someone else that I was attracted to them. My initial forays into dating were disasters. Figuring out how to successfully interact with a romantic interest felt even more confusing than my first game of Dwarf Fortress.

However since those early days, I've poured a lot of XP into romance, and levelled up many times. I sustained a monogamous relationship for over a decade, and I'm now involved in many extremely satisfying and rewarding polyamorous relationships. Many of these are with hot, nerdy partners, and I attribute part of that success to figuring out how to successfully flirt with geeks. What follows below is some of my advice.

Geeks can be really shy. They might like you, but saying they do is really hard, especially at first. I used to have a terrible time making moves, because I'd want to analyse all the possibilities in my head and look for the optimal one; that would have me freeze until the moment had passed. When you freeze and tense up because an attractive person has just held your hand or kissed you on the cheek, it can come across as not being interested. In general, if you're dating a geek, you're going to need to get used to talking lots about what you both want, and then working on implementation.
Geek body language does not always reflect cognition. A lot of geeks have trouble with body language, both in reading and expressing. I've had potentials who have found me to be very attractive, but their body language has remained neutral. Heck, I can't even count the times when I've broadcasted I-like-you body language which has been completely ignored, only to receive an incredibly positive response when I've explicitly stated the same in conversation later. Which brings me to...
Geeks understand cognition better than emotion. This is the key to successfully dating geeks. Don't rely upon your geeky potential partner being able to read or predict your emotions or body language, there's a good chance they won't, or if they do, they won't necessarily know how to use that information.
Be clear with your communications. Seriously, be as clear as possible without it being creepy. There have been a few times where I've explicitly said "Hey, I think you're really attractive, and if you want to take advantage of me at any point you definitely should. Otherwise I hope this won't impact our friendship at all." It's worked very, very well.
Note that if you're going to use this line, it has to be true, and you have to be happy with not receiving anything but an acknowledgement as a response. You can't get all weird if they turn you down. Awesome people are still awesome even if they're not interested in you sexually.
Also, you should only use this line once you've reached a sufficient level of interpersonal communication such that it's not going to be completely creepy, especially if your potential identifies as female, because...
Geek girls get hit upon all the time. Usually by that creepy guy who doesn't know when to stop. Don't be that guy. Please, please, do not be that guy. Especially if you're at a conference or other technical event where there's a large gender imbalance. Seriously. It's much better to miss the occasional opportunity than to be socially outcast as a creepy jerk.
Give explicit permission, and ask for clear consent. Because geeks are shy, and because body language doesn't necessarily match cognition, you want to be very clear. "May I kiss you?" is an excellent question. "You can tie me up if you like" is an excellent example of giving permission. Of course, you should take things in little steps, ask and give small permissions before working on larger ones. You should also expect some negative responses, and this is normal in establishing yourself as someone who can communicate clearly and can respect boundaries. Clear communication and understanding boundaries is sexy.
Permissions are different in public and private. Generally, if you've asked for permission to do anything in private, you should ask again before doing it in public. Smooching someone in the privacy of your home is fine, but it might make your partner very uncomfortable if it happens in front of their friends and colleagues.
Permissions decay over time. Just because something was okay yesterday, doesn't mean it's okay today. Especially at the start of the relationship, or if you've been apart for a long time, ask again. It avoids awkwardness, and establishes clear consent.
Don't hide your intelligence. Brains are totally hot. If you're dating a geek, doubly so.
Geeks will find some things sexy which you might not expect. One of the hottest experiences I have in recent memory is a partner of mine quoting Chaucer, from memory, in Middle English. When it comes to geeks, knowledge exchange can be extremely sexy. Don't be afraid to use that to your advantage. Pair programming, TED talks, electronics projects, reading stories and literature, and the like can all be romantic activities for geeks. Likewise, if you have that Starfleet uniform, sexy pokémon outfit, or science kit in your bag, it might be a big hit.
Other geeks won't understand when you're flirting, and will interrupt your otherwise successful conversations. This is especially at conferences, games nights, and other geek events. If you are a geek, and you see two people in conversation, especially if they're out of the way, then please don't interrupt them unless you have a clear signal that it's okay. If you're flirting at a geek event, then often balconies, gardens, and other areas away from the main throng can be good for signalling that you're in non-blocking mode. If you do get interrupted, then a polite "sorry, we're in the middle of something" is often enough to resume an exclusive conversation.
Be clear with your relationship status up-front. Mentioning your relationship status is not only a good indicator that you're available and interested, but it also allows them to decide if your status is compatible with what they're looking for. If I'm interested in someone, I usually try to let them know I'm polyamorous as soon as convenient. That will rule me out as a potential for some people (which will save me a lot of time and energy), but for others it's a huge win. The same rule applies for other things that might be common deal-breakers, like your travel plans, operating system, or text editor.
Ensure your flirting partner always has a clear escape route. I really can't stress this one enough. If you're having coffee, then either party is able to glance at their watch and say they have to leave. Coffee and parties are a great time to flirt, your potential can leave or socialise with other people if they start to feel uncomfortable. Now imagine you're giving someone a lift to an event an hour away, or you're in an elevator together; here, there's no way your partner can exit the conversation or your presence if things get awkward, and so you've got a much higher chance of being creepy, even if you don't intend to be.
Making sure someone has a clear escape route also means you have significantly better indicators that they're interested in you. If they can leave at any time, then their continuing interactions with you are because they want those interactions, not because they don't have a choice. This is especially true if you occasionally give your partner polite verbal outs, like: "I'm really enjoying this conversation, but I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?"
Make sure you have a clear escape route. In a room with other geeks, this can be as simple as calling another person over into your conversation. At a party, you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. At a conference, you can say that you need to go to a talk or work on your slides in private. Because geeks aren't great with body language, you might have to be explicit about when you're not interested in continuing a conversation, or proactive about leaving one.
Don't expect sex. Just because someone is kissing you doesn't mean they want to sleep with you. Just because they've invited you home doesn't mean they want to have sex with you. Geeks can be especially shy when it comes to sex, and rushing things is a great way to ensure that you're not going to get any. If you've been making out, but you're not sure where things are headed, you might say "hey, I should let you know that if you wanted to seduce me, then there'd be absolutely no objections here."
Expect missed opportunities. They'll happen.
Talk before having sex!

Have your own advice, or something to say about mine? Comment below!

Being a great guest and lover.

2011-08-02T10:45:00.000+10:00

This is a special guest post by the most fabulous Lady Lucent.

Recently, one of my lovers wrote a great blog about making your house more lover-friendly. Although he missed a couple of things (like toilet paper... some men seem to think this is optional), it got me thinking about what makes a nice lover to have as a guest. Visiting lovers' houses is supposed to be a lot of fun. However, being invited into another person's personal space can sometimes be a bit awkward, especially if they have different household values and priorities from yourself.

Being a good guest-lover means both being a good guest and being a good lover. Although with time you may become less of a guest and more of a regular, making sure your lover(s) feel wanted, respected and cared for is hugely important. The best way to do this is by thinking ahead, being organised, and communicating. The first time you visit a lover's house, chances are things are still quite new between you. This may even be the deciding night where you choose to become lovers... or not. So, I have written a lot of this for the first time you visit a lover's house, as these things will become automatic over successive visits.

Your kit:

Being a good lover means being organised. Your kit (women's kits are often referred to as handbags) needs to contain everything you need to not come home for an evening. I try to travel as lightly as possible for a number of reasons, including laziness. If you're not sure you want to/will be staying the night, an overnight bag can send the wrong signal.

My bag will usually contain:

condoms (I have a latex allergy, so I try to carry at least 4. It's remarkable how many times I've been glad to have more than one with me)
lubricant (the sachets are amazing for this task)
clean underwear
toothbrush.

Depending on your preferences and lifestyle, you may also want to include:

make-up
contact lens container
socks
a clean shirt that folds down into almost nothing
comb/small hairbrush.

Women who are susceptible to tract infections may also want to pack a sachet of urinary alkilizer. UTIs may not be frequent, but they're bound to happen at the most inopportune times. If you have long hair, include some spare hair ties. They are often the first casualty of sex. A muesli, energy, or protein bar can also be handy for a breakfast snack.

Not A Jerk's Kit

I have an "adventurer's kit" in the disguise of a regular toiletries bag. In addition to Lady Lucent's suggested essentials, it contains painkillers, massage oil, a nightmask, earplugs, a pen (with flashlight and laser pointer), USB charger cable (for my phone), wartenberg wheel, breath mints, deodorant, caffeinated gum, USB thumbdrive, and shaving gear. If you take any medications, you definitely want them in your kit so you don't forget.

I'm an optimist, so I also pack a camera with a fast aperture lens, a number of lengths of rope, my laptop, and any toys I think might be fun. I almost always have a water bottle and some good quality chocolate packed as well.

All this fits into my backpack, which I usually take with me everywhere anyway. Consequently, I just look like another geeky guy who can't possibly travel across town without his tech (which conveniently happens to be true).

Before you get there:

Organise something to do in advance. Perhaps you will cook a meal or watch a movie or play a game together. Whatever it is you organise, make sure you bring the necessary things to make it happen. Having something to do together helps get conversation flowing smoothly and helps turn awkward silences into comfortable silences.
Bring something to contribute to the date. Be it a bottle of wine, a dessert, chocolate... I often bring fresh herbs from my garden.
Let your host know in advance of any allergies/intolerances. Your host may not have that pet you're allergic to, but that doesn't mean their housemate doesn't.
Be clean. If there's even a remote possibility you might be getting naked or having someone's lips on your skin, make sure you are clean enough to do so! If necessary, organise in advance to have a shower at your host's house.
Have an escape route. If things don't go well, is there a particular time you need to leave by to catch public transport?
Depending on the situation and how safe/confident you feel, you may choose to let someone know your whereabouts and that you're on an early date.

When you get there:

Be on time! If you are running late, let them know. Your new lover is quite likely excited and/or nervous and may have dinner in the oven, in which case, being late can create anxiety and a burnt meal.
When you arrive, look around to see if there is a pile of shoes near the door, or ask if it's a 'shoes off' house. Find somewhere to put your bag/coat/things. Preferably somewhere out of the way but easy to access. Don't be afraid to ask where is appropriate.
Make sure you find out where the amenities are. Get a tour, get to know your way around their house. This can be handy for all sorts of reasons, including late night bathroom trips.
Offer to help your host if they are cooking, or to help clean up. Even if they decline, it shows your host you don't take their efforts for granted.
If your host is busy (eg cooking) and the conversation pauses, peruse their library. This gives you both a chance to gather your thoughts and potential things to talk about. Remember, their library may not just be books. It might be DVDs, games, music, magazines, or they may be completely without, which is a conversation starter in itself.
Do not turn on the television! TV is a highly effective conversation killer and watching television while your host is busy is a definite mood killer.
Don't make a mess. This doesn't mean you have to be a neat freak, but don't create unnecessary work for your host.
If you are about to become intimate with your host for the first time, discuss expectations. These were all covered in the earlier blog, but part of being a good lover whether you are hosting or guesting is being able to communicate. Safe sex, other relationships, disease status, leaving marks (hickeys, scratches), social repercussions and boundaries all need to be discussed.
Find out what time your host will be up in the morning. If they have to leave early, I don't usually ask to sleep in at their house the first time I'm there. This is because I don't know how comfortable they are leaving me in their house. If they offer, however, I may accept. If they don't offer and sleeping at their house becomes a regular thing, it can be negotiated later.
Will you require a shower in the morning? If so, ask your host if you can have a shower the next morning and if there's any towels/soap/shampoo, etc, you can use.
Practice volume control. If other people live there, don't keep them awake all night! This may mean screaming into a pillow if things go particularly well, but keeping housemates up all night is not a good way to make yourself welcome in a home. This also applies to general conversation. Just because you can't see a housemate does not mean they can't hear you.
Don't get too drunk. Sharing a bottle of wine is a great social lubricant, but getting inebriated is a great way to do things you may regret later. Some people use getting drunk as a way to overcome nerves, but remember, many men refuse to have sex with intoxicated women and many women find intoxicated men extremely unattractive. If you get really drunk, having someone hold your hair back while you vomit just isn't sexy.

The next day:

Assuming your host has left you to sleep in, the single most appreciated thing you can do the next morning is to make the bed. Even people who will just strip the sheets and change them appreciate coming home to a made bed. There's something about it that gives people a happy, warm, post night-of-awesome glow.
The next most appreciated thing is to leave a little note. If there's no paper or pens around, a text message will do. Or, if you have been left access to a computer, a note on the desktop. Assuming you enjoyed yourself and want a repeat, including a 'thank you', a positive remark about your time there (eg. 'I had a great time') and expressing a desire to do it again. This ticks the wanted, respected, cared for categories I mentioned earlier.
Don't go on a housecleaning spree (cleaning someone's entire house is just creepy), but removing any evidence and doing any leftover dishes work a treat, too. Try to leave the house in a similar condition to when you arrived the previous evening.
Remember to respect your lover's privacy. Being alone in their house does not mean you have permission to go through their drawers/wardrobes/computer files.

If your lover has stayed home with you:

Offer to help them with whatever they are doing (cleaning, cooking breakfast, etc). They may decline, but it's still appreciated.
Know when to leave. Just because your lover doesn't have to go to work does not mean they want you to stay all day. This does not mean they don't want to spend time with you, just that they need to spend time with themselves, too. Communicate, pay attention to signals and if necessary, don't be afraid to ask.

Other notes:

General manners. Remember them, use them. Wooing a lover does not stop once you get them into bed.
Be nice to housemates. Getting along with housemates has a lot of potential future rewards. It also makes you more likely to be invited around regularly.
Leave doors how you find them. Doors may be kept closed for reasons such as bugs or pets. Not pulling a door shut behind you could be the difference between a night of loving and a night of searching for the new puppy.
If you smoke, make sure you find out where is OK to do so.
If you have long hair, try not to lose your hair ties. Like condoms, they're evidence of other lovers, and it's just more respectful if they're not left around.
If you're the last person to leave the house, make sure the lights are off and the door locks behind you.
Don't be a bed-hog. There is a difference between snuggling sweetly and taking up the entire bed.

There are literally hundreds of little things you can do to help make yourself welcome in another persons house, but I like to think of thequestion 'How can I make this person feel wanted, respected and cared for?' If you can succeed in finding answers for this question, you're bound to be invited back ;)

Think we've missed something? Is there something you do that makes you an especially good lover/guest? Is there something that you really wish your lovers/guests wouldn't do? Add your comments and experiences below!

Things to discuss before having sex

2011-07-26T02:00:00.000+10:00

One of my lovers once commented that I had the most comprehensive new-lover checklist she had ever encountered. This was definitely intended as a compliment, and so I thought I'd share a few things I feel should be discussed before having sex with someone new. This is by no means a complete list, but it's certainly a good one to get you started.

When talking to someone about having sex, I have two very clear goals. The first is making sure my soon-to-be partner has sufficient relevant information that they can make an informed decision. People can be shy, and so they might not ask the questions they want to. More importantly, they might not know which questions to ask, either because they haven't thought of them, or they just don't know enough about me.

My second goal is to make sure that my partner feels comfortable providing the same information. By establishing good communication early on, I'm demonstrating that it's okay to talk about sex, and this isn't awkward or unusual. I've found that good communication makes the rest of our interactions both easier and more enjoyable.

I consider the following an excellent check-list to get started:

STI results. Hopefully you get tested on a regular basis. I include the date of my last test, results, and number of new partners since that test. I make a point of including negative results for common things like HSV (which causes cold sores), and talking about the sexual health of my other lovers. This not only makes the situation more clear, but it can also help jog your new partner's memory.

If either you or your partner have an STI, then you want to discuss how you'll both feel if the other gets infected. Don't assume it won't happen, and don't just "hope for the best". Unless you're a Vulcan who has undertaken the ritual of kolinahr, then chances are at least one of you will feel angry, guilty, or afraid at the very least. Make sure that you're both prepared to deal with this.

On the topic of STI tests, some doctors will do a better job than others. A blood test won't show up many bacterial infections, and a urine test won't show the presence of viral infections. Some doctors don't test for things like HSV because it's so prevalent (almost 60% of the US population is infected). Some things, like tests for KSHV, are rare, either because the tests are expensive or simply not available. Make sure that your doctor is giving you a thorough set of tests. You might want to change doctors or visit a specialised sexual health clinic if they're not.
Safer sex practices. Let your partner know what your safer sex expectations are, and what your risk profile has been in the past. At the very least discuss oral and penetrative sex. If your practices are different for some partners (eg, you're fluid bonded with someone), then please mention that.
Injuries, allergies, medications. If you have any that are relevant, let your partner know about them. This should include both transient injuries ("I cut my finger yesterday") as well as more permanent ones.

I like to ask about food intolerances; I can claim this is so I should know if I should smear them down with peanut butter, but it's also a sneaky way of me figuring out what's appropriate for me to make for breakfast (see make your house more lover-friendly).
Relationship status. Are you single? Polyamorous? Cheating? Confused? In my experience relationship status usually gets discussed much earlier on in the flirting game, but now is a good time to discuss things more fully, just to make sure everyone's on the same page. Depending upon your relationship model, now would be a good time to discuss friends and partners to make sure nobody is getting hurt.

This is also the time to discuss or at least think about what you're expecting from your partner on a longer-term basis. Are you friends with benefits? Are you leaving town tomorrow? Are you wanting to explore how things go, possibly with a view of something regular and long-term? It's okay if you don't know yet, and it's okay if things change, but do think about it.
Safewords. Even if you're not planning on doing anything unusual, you should still have them, just in case. If you're not used to having safewords, then "safeword" is an excellent start. Traffic lights are also common; "red" for stop, "green" for good/more, and "yellow" (or orange, or amber) for slow down or maintain.

Ideally you should practice using your safewords as well. Do a couple of trial runs (and let your partner know they're trial runs) where one partner invokes a safeword and the other backs off, then swap roles. This means you'll both be used to using and hearing safewords, which will make it much easier for you to use them during play.

Practising safewords can be a lot of fun. Find something your partner really enjoys and which isn't confronting, and then get them to use a safeword during your trial runs to get you to stop. This ensures your trials are enjoyable, and definitely helps make sure you go through enough trial runs to be comfortable.
Kinks and boundaries. You don't need to reveal all your deepest desires the first time around, but you might discover your partner is really into something you like. Remember, it's okay to have kinks, and it's also okay to be vanilla.

Most importantly, talking about boundaries can make sure there aren't any unwanted surprises. My most important boundary is "just because we're having sex doesn't mean that I'm going to fix your computer."

I try to include all of these, even if they're null items, such as "I have no allergies". It means your lover isn't left wondering, and can also prompt them to discuss the same. Even if you're not discussing all these things in such detail, you should at least be thinking about them.

Having this sort of discussion doesn't just allow you to both make informed decisions, but it also establishes that you can talk about sex, relationships, health, fantasies, and all those other things that you don't want to be awkward later on.

Have your own tips to add, or just an amusing story about a pre-sex discussion? Use the comment box below! (Anonymous comments welcome.)

Make your house more lover-friendly

2011-07-21T09:05:00.000+10:00

Photograph: Warren Noronha, CC-BY 2.0

A while ago, a friend of mine linked to a blog article that discussed arranging one's bedroom. It suggested that having one's bed in a corner was a very lover un-friendly arrangement; someone has to be "against the wall", where they don't have access to a bedside table, and getting out of bed is just all that much more difficult.

I thought this was clearly a self-evident point, but apparently numerous people commented that it wasn't. This precipitated me having a good hard think about what simple arrangements can be made to ensure that a paramour finds themselves wishing to drop around regularly, rather than inviting you back to theirs.

It should be noted that I'm completely selfish in my desires here. I'm a terribly lazy person, and if I can have lovers come to me, then that saves me on travel time and inconvenience. Of course, you still need to be a good lover for them to want to visit in the first place, but the following can certainly help boost your score.

You can consider the following a checklist if you like. There's no need for you to fulfill everything on this list, but you should at least consider it. I do all these things, and I definitely appreciate all of the following in others:

Change your sheets before a new lover arrives. Even if your lover doesn't care, fresh sheets just feel nice.
Get yourself a mattress protector. They're simple, comfortable, and stop bodily fluids getting into your mattress. Wash it before each new lover, too.
Make sure there's a pillow or two for your lover. I know this seems obvious, but there have been times when I've had to ask.
Tidy up before your lover arrives. Get the used condom wrappers off the floor. Empty your bins. Move your dishes into the kitchen. Don't leave evidence of your other lovers lying around; while some people are laid back enough not to care, it's just easier if neither of you have to worry about that.
Have a bedside table on both sides of the bed, so your lover has somewhere to put their things. Put a bottle of water on each one; you'll both get thirsty sooner or later.
Disposable toothbrushes. They're cheap, readily available at most supermarkets, and can be used dry if required. They can be put in your own bag when travelling, and it means nobody has to deal with fuzzy teeth ever again. They're much better than sharing toothbrushes; teeth can bleed when brushed, and the less vectors you have for disease, the better.
Dedicate a drawer to your toys and playthings. This makes sure that you know where things are when you need them! My drawer has condoms, lube, rope (nylon and cotton), shears (in case of rope emergencies), chocolate, massage oil, and my various toys.
Be allergy aware. Lots of people have latex allergies, so have non-latex condoms on hand. Rubbing a nut-based massage oil into someone who's allergic is a bad move, so have a mineral based oil as well. 72% dark chocolate is not only amazingly good after (or during!) sex, but can usually be found in dairy free varieties (with or without nuts).
Have candles and matches easily available. They're great for setting mood, and the right candles can be easily used for wax play. Unscented soy candles tend to have very low melting points, and are particularly good for wax play (and easy to get out of clothing in case of accidents).
Have clean towels handy. These are great for everything from massages, wax play (although a drop-sheet is better), folding into supports, extra protection during menstruation, wrapping around your midsection when dashing past housemates, and so on. It also means your lovers don't have to search for towels when they want to take a shower.
If you play with rope, then wash it after each use. Both nylon and cotton rope can be thrown in the washing machine. Cotton rope actually becomes softer and nicer after repeated washing. Don't question if it's been exposed to bodily fluids or not, just wash it.

I have a lot of rope. Clean rope is tied in a particular way that makes it easy to find the bight (the centre) and unfolds easily. Used rope is tied with an obvious knot which is hard to untie, so I don't use it by accident.

Even if they don't mention it, some of your lovers will appreciate this. Like clean sheets, knowing that any rope used is freshly washed removes any doubts about its hygiene, and clean rope just feels that much nicer.
If your room gets bright in the morning, have a night-mask. You might be used to the full morning sun, but your lover probably isn't. Night-masks are also great for blindfold-play. If your room can be noisy then get a box of disposable earplugs.
Have tea, coffee (even instant), and long-life milk in your kitchen. You might not partake in hot caffeinated beverages, but your lovers might! For extra brownie points, have a big tin of hot chocolate available. I usually have a long-life carton of rice milk as well, for non-dairy guests.
Have some sort of breakfast foods available. Just because you don't do breakfast doesn't mean that your lover doesn't awaken with a raging hunger. Fruit, bread, eggs, a toaster, and condiments are all easy to come by, and go a long way to satisfying most common breakfast needs.
Make your lover breakfast in bed. You don't have to do this every time, but you can expect some serious brownie points if you go the Bed & Breakfast route. Pancakes are easy to cook and a personal favourite. Omlettes, bacon, mushrooms, and the like area also appealing to many people. Make sure you know your lovers' preferences and food intolerances first.
If your lover is a regular visitor, offer them a drawer. Your drawers are probably a limited resource, but your lovers will appreciate knowing they can stay over and expect a fresh change of clothes in the morning.

On that note, if your lover leaves laundry at your house, make it a priority to get it washed. You don't want your lover to expect a fresh set of clothes only to discover they're not actually clean.
Ask if your lover needs anything before you go to sleep. They might be thirsty, hungry, needing to charge their phone, wanting to set an alarm, take a shower, or all manner of things. Even if they don't, this scores you brownie points for consideration.

Have your own advice on how to make your house more lover-friendly? That's what the comment box is for!