not a paper cup

deconstructing faith - a perspective.

2021-02-28T00:13:00.001+07:00

A house has been passed down to you
one that was treasured by those before you.
A house that had once brought warmth, comfort, protection.

But now
the roof is leaking
there are rats living in the basement
rotting wood in the walls
faulty electrical wires

The house needs to be fixed
maybe even torn down and rebuilt.

You find yourself exposed to the elements during the renovation process.

It is scary. Messy. Cold.

At times
you are able to find shelter in the faith of others
some visit and bring a blanket, or a tent
But it is temporary
as it should be.
It wasn't meant to be permanent.
Others' faith is not your own.

"Where is God?" You cry.
I thought faith was supposed to be
      comforting
           easy
               light
                  prosperous

"This isn't what I signed up for, Lord.
where is the light burden? the easy yoke?
where are the still waters?
where is the peace that passes understanding?"

No.

He promised us
   struggle
       death
           rejection

"But You said You would never leave me"

Who do you think is doing the reconstruction?
He is present. He is at work.
Strong, skilled hands. A willing heart.

He is patient.

He is rebuilding the walls
They will be strong, solid.
Replacing the roof
   not just patching holes.
Rats are being shooed from the basement
Electrical lines are being replaced
   Power will be restored
Windows and doors are new
   They open and close
Others will be able to come in and fellowship
   Find rest for their souls
   In your presence
   In His presence

But in the middle
when the roof is off
when the walls are torn down to the studs
when the windows and doors are boarded up

you feel bare

exposed

vulnerable

alone

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness
while I am here in the land of the living

Wait patiently for the Lord.
   Be brave and courageous.
   Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
       (Psalm 27:13, 14)

always

2015-08-30T12:54:00.003+07:00

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before You.

Yet I am always with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterwards You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Ps. 73:21-26

sunday

2015-08-23T14:35:00.001+07:00

Today, I skipped church.

Probably not what Arrow had in mind when they told us to take a day away from our ordinary lives and retreat into the Spiritual, but seeing as I've always had a slight propensity for the rebellious, today, I skipped church.

My plan was to head to Bang Krachao and walk around the green. I'd stop every so often to eat, or read, or write. Praying as I went. Until God spoke, or I sensed His presence a little closer.

But I didn't go.

I woke up this morning and listened to a memorial service online.
While cleaning my apartment.
Thoroughly.

I'd never even met her.

Yet I've been following her journey through a stage 4 cancer diagnosis since January 2014. We'd only ever spoken through email, three weeks before her diagnosis. Somehow, even then, I could sense her love for others. Her words in the email were friendly and specific, with thoughtful anecdotes. Her blog posts, the same. Always full of grace.

I cried on Day 588.
How do you cry for a family you don't even know?
God, fill that hole in their family with Your loving presence.

Hallelujah.

Later, my apartment acceptably clean and my soul mildly tenderised, I went for a short walk in the sunshine. I've been trying to focus on the beauty in the streets, rather than the noise and mess.

While passing a small market, I paused a little too long while looking at the fruit and the fruit sellers started talking to me in Thai. I did my best to catch a word that I could understand, any word, and finally, there it was. "Lam-yai". Longan fruit. They insisted that I taste one, despite my resistance. "Kl'ng-lo". Half a kilo. 80 baht. No, 70. Okay, 60.

I think the trick to bargaining is to just look confused. It's not the Thai price, but it's not the tourist price, either.

I walked through a half-empty market, most of the stalls closed. A lot of places selling meat, out in the heat, flies buzzing around the uncovered flesh. If we didn't have grocery stores, I think I'd become vegetarian.

Curries boiling in large pots, right beside the walkway - all the different flavours. They smell so good. No lids, and I'm always tempted to stick my finger in and try some. Which is why I never buy any...Katie, the germaphobe, living in the wrong country.

But I was on a mission, hoping that the flower stall would be open. I'd never bought flowers for myself before, but I knew they were there. I'd seen her before, one morning on the way to school last year. And I often see the flowers being delivered as I wait for the bus in the morning before sunrise.

One bunch of orchids, 20 baht. "Yee-sip". Less than a dollar.

Today, August 23rd, is my Dad's birthday and my parents' anniversary. 40 years!

That's endurance.

And love.

But mostly just commitment, I think.

And I'm still making them read a book about marriage for my final Arrow residential next month, which they'll be attending, God willing.

I'll go to Bang Krachao next weekend, and fulfil the assignment.

But maybe I'll go to church, first.

rainy season

2015-06-16T12:14:00.004+07:00

For a long time, I've had trouble writing. Anywhere. Everywhere.
Journals, emails, letters, guestbooks.
Facebook statuses. Twitter posts.
I don't even enjoy texting friends.

It's all exhausting.

Maybe I've been using too many words by speaking.
Maybe it's vulnerability. The written word seems much more permanent. Much more susceptible to misinterpretation.
Maybe there's nothing new to say. Nothing worth sharing.
Maybe I shouldn't share it. Why open your heart to the world?

It feels as though I'm constantly processing information...or when it becomes too overwhelming, pushing it aside, for another day.

At the moment I have time to think and no one around to share it with.

School is out for the summer.
I've cleaned out my classroom.
I've gone on a trip: refreshing, indescribable, over in the blink of an eye.
Fugacious? (Maybe don't use a word you're not comfortable pronouncing.)
Like life.

Amen

2014-03-22T08:57:00.001+07:00

"The greatest blessing I received during those trips the the inner city was seeing God work in situations where He has to. As a result, I've made it a commitment to consistently put myself in situations that scare me and require God to come through. When I survey my life, I realize that *those* times have been the most meaningful and satisfying in my life. They were the times when I truly experienced life and God." - Francis Chan, Crazy Love