(My brother and I play the videogame ‘Skyrim’ together. We are facing the vampire lord for the first time, when he reveals his monster form. To transform, he seems to explode.)

Brother: “Did you see that?! That was scary! He just went… he just exploded!”

(My brother looks really freaked out, which surprises me because he is a monster-movie fan.)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Brother: “Eh, I mean, kind of! You have to admit, that was kind of scary. He was just …pop! And then… ughhhh!”

Me: “Okay, I guess so…”

Brother: “Well, at least he didn’t sparkle…”

(My dad and I are sitting in the living room. He is tinkering away on his new phone.)

Dad: “I don’t think I’m getting text messages. Can you send me something?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I text dad. A couple of seconds later, my dad’s phone goes off.)

Dad: “Oh, it does work!” *reads text* “Poop.”

Me: *giggles*

Dad: “You sent me poop.”

Me: “You could say it was my DOO-DEE to do so!”

Dad: “…you’re so mature.”

Me: “Hey, mom, I’ve been thinking.”

Mom: “Yeah?”

Me: “If I ever get sentenced to death row for any reason, I want my last meal to involve lots of alcohol. That way, when I wake up in Heaven, I won’t remember how painful my execution was.”

Mom: “Good idea. Although, these days they use a lethal injection, which is kind of like falling asleep.”

Me: “Yeah, but they do it with a needle!”

related:
More Than A Whinge About The Syringe

Me: “Dad! What’s for dinner?”

Dad: “Food.”

Me: “…okay, dad, but what kind of food?”

Dad: “Good food.”

Me: “What kind of good food?!”

Dad: “Really good food!”

Me: “Jesus Christ, forget it. I’ll go downstairs and check!”

(I am out with my friends at the local cafe. We are planning to go someplace else and stay out late, so I text my dad for permission.)

Me: “Hey, can I hang out later than usual?”

Dad: “Yeah sure, let me ask your mom.”

(A couple of minutes go by.)

Dad: “Your mom wants you to be home by 5pm.”

Me: “…but it’s 5:30.”

Dad: “I don’t know; she said she wants you home by 5pm.”

Me: “…sure, let me just get my TARDIS.”

(My husband and I have a deal that when the ‘birds and bees’ come up with our nine-year-old son, I will deal with girls, and he will deal with boys.)

Son: “What is reptile dysfunction?”

(I kick my husband dad under the table, but seeing he is choking on his chicken and turning a lovely shade of pink, I answer for him.)

Me: “Uh… it’s when men can’t have sex.”

Son: “Oh, okay. I thought it was something that snakes or lizards got.”

(I am a big fan of classic rock music. I am 13, and get my first record player as a Christmas gift from my grandmother. One of my first two records has a small poster inside. I’m admiring the front.)

Me: “Wow! Check that out; look how cool that is!”

Grandma: “This side is pretty nice to look at, too!”

(I turn the poster over to look at the back. The image is Alice Cooper, dressed in leather, holding a whip.)

Me: “Grandma!”

Grandma: “What? I’m old, not blind!”

Cousin’s Son: “Why would there be vampires in the national anthem?”

Cousin: “What?”

Cousin’s Son: “What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming…”

Related:
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 6
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 5
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 4
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 3
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 2 (From Not Always Romantic)
In The Twilight Of Their Youth (From Not Always Right)

(I am obsessed with a particular candy bar, and I ask for one every time we go to the store. For my birthday, my parents go to a big-box store, and buy me an entire CASE of them! They make me promise to only have one a day. After dinner, I am helping mom clean up the table, when dad walks in, holding the box of candy bars.)

Dad: *opens the box, laughs through his nose, and closes it*

Mom And Me: “Uh…”

Dad: *opens the box again, laughs through his nose, and closes it*

Me: “Um, dad, are you okay?”

Dad: *does it one more time, laughing a bit more*

Mom: “What are you DOING?”

Dad: “What? It’s a box of Snickers!”

(My mom can’t decide what is worse: the joke, or how much I am laughing at it!)

(Editor’s note: Not Always Related wishes you a Happy Father’s Day!)

Mom: “Honey, I just saw the strangest bird outside! Could you look it up in the bird book for me?”

Me: “Sure, what color was it?”

Mom: “Oh…”

(Mom motions with her hands.)

Mom: “About this big.”

Me: “Uh… how big was it?”

Mom: “Brown!”