Grandma Certainly Doesn’t Have A Frog In Her Throat

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(I stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks each year just after school gets out, so that I can relax away from my brothers and spend time with them. On this particular day, I’m half-asleep in my grandpa’s insanely comfortable armchair while my grandma is watering her houseplants, when suddenly there is blood-curdling scream, and my grandma runs from kitchen.)

Me: “Grandma! What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself? What happened?”

Grandma: *points towards one particular potted plant, talking incoherently*

(I walked over to the plant, not sure what I was going to find, while my grandpa tried to calm her down. On the counter by the plant, I found a small toad, about the size of a fifty-cent piece. It had jumped out of the pot, scaring my grandma. My grandpa brought in a tiny minnow net to scoop it up and put it outside. After that, I was the one who had to water the houseplants.)

Absorbing Some Common Sense

, , , , , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(My cousins are visiting us for the weekend, and we are about to head out for my youngest brother’s soccer game. My dad, brothers, uncle, and female cousin have already left, leaving my mom, aunt, my male cousin, who is ten at the time, and me. I am thirteen. My cousin gets a bloody nose, and it’s a pretty bad one, with blood running down his face. I take him to the bathroom and get him cleaned up, then notice I’ve used the last of the toilet paper to do so, and there are no tissues or paper towels in sight.)

Me: “How are we supposed to stop the bleeding?!”

Cousin: “You’re the one who’s supposed to know this stuff! Think of something!”

(I suddenly remember a tip my English teacher — an avid outdoorsman, and a little weird — told us. I go into the lower cabinet and grab one of my mom’s tampons. My cousin doesn’t know what it is, so I just unwrap it and stick the cotton part up his nose. It quite effectively stops the bleeding, and we go into the kitchen where my mom and aunt are.)

Mom: “[My Name], what the heck is up [Cousin]’s nose?!”

Me: “A tampon. His nose started bleeding!”

(My aunt is laughing too hard to respond at this point.)

Mom: “Why did you put a tampon up his nose?”

Me: “His nose was bleeding, and in the movie we just watched in English, a girl pretending to be a guy sticks a tampon up her nose for her fake nosebleeds, and Mr. [Teacher] says it’s really effective!”

Mom: *face-palms* “While I’m sure it might be, it’s not something he can have up his nose in public!”

Cousin: “Wait, what is it supposed to be for?”

Mom: *freezes*

Aunt: *falls over laughing*

Me: “It goes in a woman’s lady parts when she gets her period. It’s made to absorb blood!”

Cousin: “So… it’s doing its job?”

An Auto Comeback

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2018

(My mother and I go into an auto parts store and notice the only one working is a female employee.)

Mom: *groans* “I don’t like women looking at my car. I don’t think they know what they’re doing.”

Me: “Didn’t you used to work at [Other Auto Store]?”

Mom: “Don’t catch an attitude with me.”

(The female employee was very knowledgeable and helpful, but I did get in trouble for “smart-mouthing!”)

Getting Into A Pillow Fight

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My in-laws are visiting and my mother-in-law comments on my new purse, so I show it to her.)

Me: “You like it? I made it myself.”

Mother-In-Law: “Wow, that’s really nice! Where’d you get it?”

Husband: “Mom, she just told you that she made it.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh? All I caught was, ‘See my new purse.’”

(I fight the urge to roll my eyes because that is NOT what I just said. She looks over the purse then looks at me.)

Mother-In-Law: “Can you teach me to sew? I have a sewing machine, but I don’t have the book for it. It was secondhand and the person who gave it to me lost it, so I don’t know how it works.”

Me: “Sure, if you bring it over one day I’ll see what kind of machine it is and look up the manual online. We could probably find one for free or very cheap.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay. Then you can show me how to sew a purse like that, right?”

Me: *shakes head* “No, you should start with something simple, like a pillowcase or simple skirt, just to get the hang of it. This purse isn’t a beginner project, but we can find you a beginner’s purse pattern.”

Mother-In-Law: *scoffs* “If you can make it, how hard can it be?”

Husband: “That’s not very nice, Mom.”

Mother-In-Law: *feigning innocence* “What do you mean? She’s obviously new to this herself.”

Me: *calmly as possible* “No, I’m not. I’ve been sewing since I was 14 years old, and I am now 28, so I’ve been doing this for half my life. The pattern I used for this purse says that it is not recommended for beginners. After you have made a few simpler projects, I can help you make a purse like this in whatever fabric you like.”

Mother-In-Law: *sighs* “Well, I guess I could do that, then. Just let me know when you can teach me.”

(I don’t think I will have the time to teach her. Ever.)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!

| Related | January 15, 2018

Throwback ThursdaysQUESTION OF THE WEEK! Our new segment that aims to spice up your Mondays with our weekly question! 

What is the most embarrassing story about your family?

Leave your answer in the comments!

We’ll pick the best comments and feature them as stories!

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