Kids Are One In A Million

, , , | Related | March 19, 2018

(I like to tease young kids by saying their purchase costs a million dollars and asking if they have that much. Every so often one of them will say yes, so I ask them where it is. These are a few answers I’ve gotten.)

Child #1: *cartoonish shrug*

Child #2: “Daddy has it.”

Child #3: “My piggy bank.”

Child #4: *points to his mother’s purse*

Child #5: *hands me a dollar*

The Key Thing Is That You Forget

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2018

(My daughter’s car is in the shop, and as a result she and I are sharing my car for a few days. I have some errands to run before she goes to work.)

Me: “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in time for you to go to work. Do you want me to leave my spare keys, in case you have to go anywhere before I get back?”

Daughter: “Um… Mom? Think about what you just said.”

Me: “This conversation never happened.”

(She was still laughing as I walked out the door.)

Love Is Material

, , , , | Related | March 17, 2018

(Overheard near the toy aisle, between a five- or six-year-old girl and her mom.)

Girl: “Of course I love you, Mommy! I just love you more when you buy me stuff!”

(At least she’s honest!)

Unless You’re Dying, It’s Not Worth My Time

, , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(My grandmother is a stern, no-nonsense matriarch with some rather peculiar ideas about health, from growing up in a time when castor oil was the only medicine available. I’ve dislocated my ankle the day before and I haven’t had any treatment for it. As I limp downstairs for breakfast, I feel in terrible pain and as if I’m about to throw up. I try and make it to the bathroom, but I fall in a dead faint halfway there. My mother later tells me she heard the thud from the cellar. When I come back to my senses, I’m white as a sheet, lying spread eagle on the corridor floor, and my parents are kneeling at either side with eyes as wide as dinner plates. My grandmother comes out of her bedroom and sees the scene…)

Grandmother: “What’s going on? [My Name], are you running a fever?”

Me: *still out of it, and it shows* “No… I don’t think…”

Grandmother: “Oh. That’s good.”

(And she literally walks over me on her way to the kitchen!)

Some Father Lessons Can Be A Gamble

, , , , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(Once I am legally able to gamble, my dad takes me to a Las Vegas casino so I can try it out.)

Dad: “Here’s how they get you and you lose your money. Say you use a quarter on the slots.”

(I put a quarter in and I get a few spins for it. I win $0.50.)

Me: “You call this losing?”

Dad: “No, no, watch. Try again.”

(I reuse the $0.50 on more spins. I win $1. He continues to try to show me how I’ll lose my money on the slots, with me adding smart aleck comments, as my winnings jump to $3, then $5.)

Me: “Boy howdy, you sure do know how to teach me the ways in which slot machines will s*** me over.”

Dad: “It seems that way, but winning and losing can come in streaks. And the losing is what eats up your money. Just keep trying.”

(Long story short, the slot machine continues to grant me little winnings in chump change. I finally call a stop when I have about $25, and cash it out.)

Dad: “Fine, so, that machine was out to prove me wrong. Let’s try a different game.”

(We went to the Keno counter and got a ticket each. Dad lost. I won a few hundred dollars. We tried blackjack, and I won a number of rounds there, too. That trip became a family legend, as I left with roughly $2,500 in winnings from Dad’s attempt to show me how someone can “lose all their money.” I do know that gambling can be an addiction, and that it can break somebody very easily, but that one day the entire casino seemed to conspire to troll my father!)

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