Customer: “You f***ing peons make seven dollars an hour, and you think you can tell us what to do?! You lost that movie yourself!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do–”

Customer: “No, but you will be sorry! I expect a heart-felt apology to my face!”

(The customer storms out of the store with her daughter in tow, but before I can get to the next customer she comes back in.)

Customer: “My daughter is bawling because of you! So, thank you! THANK YOU!”

(She kicks the door on her way out and goes back to her car. I take a deep breath and put my smile back on.)

Me: “I can help who’s next!”

Next customer: “Did she just call you a peon?”

Me: “Hello, welcome to [coffee shop]. what can I get you today?”

Customer: “Are you even from here?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Are you even from Ireland?”

Me: “Well, my family is Irish, but I was born in America.”

Customer: “And they let you work in an authentic Irish coffee shop?!”

Me: “Well, yes. I’ve lived here for years, so I guess they thought it was okay to hire me.”

Customer: “But this is so inauthentic! You don’t even have the right accent!”

Me: *with Irish accent* “Why, of course I do, luv! What are you sayin’, I don’t have the right accent?”

Customer: *flustered* “But…but…you…”

Me: “Well, the three fingers comes with three chicken fingers, and the five fingers comes with five.”

Customer: “So, which one has more chicken?”

Me: “The five fingers.”

Customer: “Are the five fingers bigger?”

Me: “No, the chicken fingers are the exact same size. You just get two more with the five fingers.”

Customer: “This is too confusing! I’ll just have a cheeseburger.”

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 3
Math Is Your Friend, Part 2
Math Is Your Friend

Customer: *on the phone* “Sales just sent me to you because I wasn’t sure if what I have is internet.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I can help you determine that. Who is your service through?”

Customer: *names phone company that provides DSL* “It’s so when people call me, they can leave a message.”

Me: “Okay, sir, that would be your answering service. Internet would be another feature you pay $30 to $60 a month for, and they would send you a small box that hooks to your computer.”

Customer: “Computers are evil. I bought one and got rid of it the next day!”

Me: “Our phone service is not going to be right for you, sir. If you’d like we could help you find internet, but without a computer you would be paying only to sustain the phone.”

Customer: “I don’t want no evil internet! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Well, the chicken is in all different shapes, ma’am.”

Customer: “So it’s not fish? It’s still chicken?”

Me: “Uh, yes.”

Customer: “Oh, OK!”

(The customer says nothing for a few moments while blatantly staring at me.)

Customer: “…you have two air holes.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “You only have two air holes!”

Me: “Well, yes. Two NOSTRILS, you mean.”

Customer: *continues to stare intently at me*

Me: “…”

Customer: “You should have three. I have been looking all my life for someone with three nostrils, but I still haven’t found her!”

Me: “Oh…really.”

Customer: “Yeah! I’ve traveled the world, but no luck.”

Me: *accepts his money and bags the item* “Well, you have fun with that!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

(The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

(I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)

Related:
Pinheaded, Part 2

Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

Me: “Um…I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half hour?”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

Me: “I know, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, I have to keep this road clear.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

Employee: “You sure look spiffy today, ma’am!”

Elderly lady: “Young man, I look spiffy EVERY day!”