Customer: *Snooty tone.* "Does your boss know you're sitting on the job?"
Me: "Does your minder know you've gotten away again?"

Read Shouldn’t Have Crate Expectations

I'm folding up some clothes in the clothing store where I work. I've finished, so I turn to a coworker and say triumphantly:
Me: "I finished!"
At that moment, a customer standing nearby literally pushes a pile of folded sweaters onto the floor.

Read Pile It On, Why Don’t You

Boss: "This is your last warning, if I catch you on your phone again, you're getting fired!"
The worker's phone rings.

Read Calling It On This Job

Wife: *Very serious.* "You need to be careful out there. It’s coyote mating season, and they’re roaming around."
Me: *Not as serious.* "Understood. I’ll do my best to be less attractive to the coyotes."

Read The Dog Is Leashed, The Digs Are Not

Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you something?"
Me: "Of course!"
Customer: "What's the capital of Slovakia?"

Read Knowing Things Is A Capital Offence