(A customer orders an iced coffee. I get it for her. She has a puzzled and dismayed look on her face.)

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This…wasn’t what I was expecting.”

Me: “Well, what were you expecting?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but this wasn’t it.”

(I’m seven months pregnant and am working the checkout.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re pregnant! It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, she is.”

Customer: “I could tell. Girls take all the beauty away from their mothers.”

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant)]. My name is—”

Customer: *rudely* “Can we go ahead and order? I am starving.”

Me: “Go right ahead, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have the never-ending pancake sampler, but make it all bacon and add an extra egg over easy.”

(He finishes his order, but continues to stare at me the entire time, until his food arrives. Note that his order comes with 3 eggs, 6 strips of bacon, hash browns and 3 pancakes. He asks me to bring out more pancakes twice, bringing his total to 8.)

Me: *dropping off the check* “Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Customer: “No, that was great. I’m sorry I was so rude earlier; I was just starving. I just got out of the hospital for a heart attack. They don’t let you eat anything in there!”

Customer: “Hi, I would like to return this game.”

Me: “Of course. Do you have your receipt with you?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

(We sell game protection for all video games in case the customer breaks or scratches their game. It can be purchased for both new and pre-owned games.)

Me: “I see this game was purchased new and you haven’t purchased our game protection, so unfortunately, I cannot give you a refund. What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s too hard.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It’s too difficult!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I really cannot give you a refund just because it’s too difficult to play. Have you tried searching for a walkthrough guide on the internet?”

Customer: “Isn’t that cheating?”

Me: “Well, yes but—”

Customer: “Never mind.” *leaves*

(I’m a customer, and overhear an elderly gentleman and the hairdresser who is cutting his hair. The gentleman’s wife is present, too.)

Hairdresser: “Do you want me to take off any more on the top of your head?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, go ahead!”

Hairdresser: “All right, but if I cut it any shorter, the hair up there will be standing on end.”

Customer’s wife: “Well, at least something will still be standing erect, then.”

(I work at a university; note that it is generally considered very academically competitive.)

Student: “I think there’s a hold on my account.”

Me: “Yes, health services put a registration hold on your account because they don’t have your immunization—”

Student: “Wait, that’s a big word! I don’t know what that means!”

(One day, my brother stopped by my work to chat. He is about 6 feet tall, broad shouldered, has short hair, and a beard. A customer comes in, so I say goodbye to my brother and he leaves.)

Customer: “What a funny looking girl!”

Me: “Umm…that was my brother.”

Customer: “That was your mother?!”

Me: “Uh, no. My brother.”

Customer: “Oh…*places order*“

Customer: “Hi, I have a few questions about this product.”

Me: “Sure, what would you like to ask?”

Customer: “I have no idea…”

Customer: “I’m getting really frustrated with this!”

Me: “Ma’am, what seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “My ‘G spot’ won’t turn on.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you mean your hotspot?”

Customer: “Yeah, hotspot, ‘G spot’. It won’t work.”

Me: “Has it worked before?”

(I lose it at this point and cannot recall the rest. She continues to call it the ‘G spot’ for the remainder of the call. And yes, I did fix it.)

(There is a flight leaving our airport over an hour later than expected. My department is trying to re-direct passengers to other connecting flights, or reschedule flights they may miss because of the delay. An Irish woman, around 50, approaches the counter.)

Me: “I apologize for the delay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, young man. I must say this delayed flight to Charlotte is unacceptable. I have a connector to Dublin I will need to be on ten minutes after this delayed flight lands. How do you expect me to make it in ten minutes?!”

Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience. If you give me a couple of minutes, I can check and see how I can re-route you.” *begins searching* “Ma’am, I do have a direct flight from this airport to Dublin, leaving in about two hours. That will put you in Dublin a couple of hours ahead of schedule.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, you won’t. And due to the inconvenience, there will be no extra charge for moving you to the direct flight.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, if I send you on this flight to Charlotte, you won’t have time to make the connector to Dublin. However, if I put you on the flight I’m talking about—”

Customer: “The one that won’t have me going to Charlotte?”

Me: “Yes, that one. If I put you on—”

Customer: “But I want to go to Charlotte.”

Me: “Let me check and see when the next flight from Charlotte to Dublin is.” *searching* “I have a flight leaving for Dublin tomorrow morning at 6:47 AM. That will put you in Dublin at around 7:00 PM at their local time, almost 24 hours later than if you just—”

Customer: “I’ll take it!”

Me: “May I ask why you would rather stay the night here in Boston than take this direct flight I’m offering you?”

Customer: “The Charlotte airport has a Cinnabon.”