The Contrarian Vegetarian

, , , , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I work in a sandwich shop. We’re close to closing, so the line’s glass case doors are covering the meats and vegetables. I open both when the customer arrives.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi there. I’m vegetarian, so I can’t eat meat.”

Me: “That’s absolutely okay, ma’am. We have egg sandwiches, veggie sandwiches, and salads, and we also have a delicious vegetarian patty sandwich to offer you.”

Customer: “I know what I want, but I need you to clean your hands and the surfaces, because I can’t eat meat at all.”

(I rinse the food surfaces and the cutting knives, I clean my gloves, and I lower the glass case back over the meat since she’s made it clear it won’t be needed.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If that’s satisfactory for you, what kind of bread would you like?”

Customer: “Oh, the flatbread, please, half of one.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and your sandwich choice?”

Customer: “A ham, thanks.”

(I stop in my tracks and I hear my coworker giggling in the back of the store.)

Me: “Uh… A ham, ma’am? We don’t have any vegetarian substitute ham.”

Customer: “No, I mean a regular ham.”

Me: “Ma’am, ham is pork meat. Are you sure that’s the sandwich you want to order?”

Customer: “Positive, thanks! Actually, can I have double meat on that?”

(I double-checked before ringing her up that she knew ham was a meat and unsuitable for vegetarians, and she was perfectly happy with that, apparently.)

Has You Under Their Spelling

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I work in a small call center that provides information to tourists. It is a very quiet day when my coworker gets this call. I only hear her end of it.)

Coworker: “Yes, I would recommend [Restaurant]… The name is H-A-N-K… No, N-K. K as in– No, H-A-N-K-apostrophe-S.”

(Pause…)

Coworker: “I would also recommend Cotton. C-O-T-T-O-N. No, C-O-T-T-O-N. N as in Nancy. Yes, C-O-T– No, T as in Thomas. No, T-O-N as in Nancy. Yes. Yes, is there anything else I can do for you?”

(Pause…)

Coworker: “I would suggest that you take advantage of our free shuttle system. Yes, free. F-R-E-E. Yes. Yes, it is free. Yes.”

(This goes on for several more minutes, with the visitor repeatedly asking her to spell the names of places multiple times. Finally, the call ends.)

Coworker: “She sounded like she was high! H-I-G-H!”

The Importance Of Fact-Checking

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(We have a rather gullible regular who has somehow grown up convinced that if a thing is in print, it has to be true.)

Regular: *as she’s being rung up by my coworker* “Oh! Did you hear? There was a shark attack last week!”

Coworker: “Oh, my goodness! Where?”

Regular: “[Nearby Apartment Complex].”

Coworker: *pause* “Pardon?”

Regular: “Yeah, apparently some family had a shark mounted on the wall. That must have angered the other shark. It broke down the door and bit an 11-year-old on the face!”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “[Regular], that never happened.”

Regular: “It did! It was in the news and everything!”

Me: “[Regular], think about it. How could a shark hold its breath on land long enough to somehow travel five miles away from the water and cross a dozen busy roads, just to break down a door and attack a child? All without legs?”

Regular: “Hold on! I’ll bring up the article!”

Coworker: “[Regular], we don’t mind you Googling it, but there’s a line behind you. I’m afraid you can’t stand here at the registers looking for it.”

Regular: “No worries. I’ll come back and show you the article!”

(She paraded out the door, fiddling with her phone, still searching. My coworker put his hands together and loudly mock-prayed, “Please don’t let her discover Sharknado! Please don’t let her discover Sharknado!” A few days later, she came back, having forgotten about the “shark attack,” but full to bursting about the news that all major movie companies were going to create DVDs that would completely erase themselves after a single viewing of a movie, forcing everyone to have to buy it again to watch it a second time. No one could convince her that the movie industry would become bankrupt virtually overnight if they did so.)

Candy Crushed Your Chances Of Leaving On Time

, , , , , | Right | December 10, 2017

(I work at a “luxury” brand candy store in a mall. We wait until mall security calls the mall closed or our register says it is closing time, whichever happens first. It’s still about five minutes until the store closes. I’m up front cleaning, waiting to shut the doors, while my manager is at the register counting out damaged product for the day; fresh goods need to be thrown out at the end of the day. A woman walks in and I greet her. She walks straight to the bulk candy counter by the register. Only employees can access it, as it opens behind the registers. My manager stops counting to help her.)

Customer: “I’d like a small box.”

Manager: *pulling out the box* “Sure! What would you like?”

(Bulk boxes can be rung up with one of two codes. The first code is a set price, the average price by weight of a box that size. The second code prompts us to weigh the box and put in the specific price. The company has guidelines about when each code should be used. During busy hours, we use the first code, but most of the time we use whichever code will most benefit the customer. The second code price always comes within $0.25 of the first code price.)

Customer: *takes a few minutes, but ultimately points out standard-sized pieces*

Manager: *closes box and walks straight to the register*

Customer: “Aren’t you going to weigh that?”

Manager: “A box this size is almost always $16.00 with the pieces you chose. I can definitely weigh it for you, and give you the price by weight if it’s cheaper.”

Customer: “I’d like that.”

Manager: *weighs box* “The display states it’s $15.75.”

Customer: “See? You would have overcharged me by $0.25.”

Manager: “Yes. I’m sorry, ma’am.”

(They continue the transaction with appropriate upselling, loyalty card, other corporate nonsense, etc. By this point I have heard security announce that the mall is closed. I’m done cleaning, so I straighten the shelves while waiting for the customer to leave so I can shut the doors.)

Manager: “Will that be all?”

Customer: “Now, I came in here last week and bought the same box. I’d like you to take $0.25 off for overcharging me last week, as well.”

Me: *internally* “Oh, dear God, no.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not? You didn’t weigh it last week, and I overpaid. You should refund me the difference.”

Manager: “While each piece is made to be uniform, sometimes they vary by weight. I could make another box like the one you just ordered and it could be $16.25. There’s no way for me to know how much the box you ordered last week might have weighed.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think that’s very fair. You should always weigh it.”

Manager: “I understand, ma’am, but boxes like these usually weigh out to $16.00. You can always ask us to weigh the box when you come in, though. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to lower the price to $15.50?”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Manager: “Because I don’t have the box you ordered last week to weigh out for you.”

Customer: “But you overcharged me by $0.25 last week!”

Manager: “Without the box present, I can’t know that.”

Customer: “But it was the exact same thing I ordered tonight!”

Manager: “Two of the same pieces can vary by weight a bit. You might have been undercharged last week.”

Customer: “But that’s not fair! It’s just $0.25! Why can’t you just give me my $0.25?! I shop here all the time! You should give me the difference for last week, as well!”

Manager: “Do you have a receipt from your purchase?”

Customer: “No! I shouldn’t need one! I’m in here all the time! You should give me my money back for last week!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can’t just lower the price for you.”

Customer: *starts walking out* “I will never come back here! You are going to lose a customer over $0.25!”

(The manager does not respond, and the customer walks out. I pick up my cleaning supplies and turn to close the door, but before I can close it, the customer storms back in and marches up to the counter. The manager and I look at each other.)

Manager: “Did you want to purchase this?” *holds up the box she ordered*

Customer: “I don’t think you’re being very fair! How can you keep overcharging people and not feel bad?! All I want is my $0.25 back from what you overcharged me last week!”

Manager: “I can’t process a refund without a receipt, and I can’t know how much the box you bought last week would have weighed.”

Customer: “This is no way to treat loyal customers! I buy things here all the time! I can’t believe that you’re willing to lose a customer over $0.25! It’s just $0.25!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you unless you want to buy this.” *holds up box again*

Customer: “Absolutely unbelievable! You won’t do anything to help me!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but those are company rules.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! It’s just $0.25! You should be willing to treat a loyal customer with respect. You should give me back the money you overcharged me! You’re just soldiers of the company!” *storms out*

Me: *runs to the front and closes the door* “Did she just call us ‘soldiers of the company’?”

Manager: *starts unpacking the box and putting pieces back* “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you Lieutenant [Manager] now, or what?”

Manager: “I guess so.”

(For the next week, we referred to everyone by military ranks, and made ridiculous weapon titles for the different products. The customer actually worked for a store nearby in the mall and quickly hurried past us every time she had a shift.)

Please Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

, , , , , , | Right | December 10, 2017

(I’m a cashier. I am watching over the self-checks when one of them decides to act up while saying, “Please take your change,” to a customer. Thankfully, it dispenses the change and receipt like it should, but the customer is laughing.)

Self-Check Machine: “Please Ta-Please Ta-Please Ta-Please Ta-“

Me: “Sorry, but at least it gave you your change and receipt.”

Customer #1: *chuckling* “It’s all right. Besides, these things are more polite than some of the people in here.”

(I laugh as well while I open the machine top cover to reset it.)

Me: “That’s tru—”

(Just then, I hear another customer.)

Customer #2: “How much is this?!”

Me: “I’ll tell you in just a second.”

Customer #2:No! I asked you now! How much is this f****** thing?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t tell you right this second. Let me get this closed.”

(As I’m standing back up fully and beginning to pull my hand back, [Customer #2] pushes down on the cover, SLAMMING my fingers in between it and the machine. For those who don’t know how that feels, it’s about the same as a car door, particularly as hard as she slammed it.)

Me: *flinging open the cover, biting my lips* “Mmmmmpphhh!”

(Seeing me open up the machine cover again, [Customer #2] huffs.)

Customer #2: “I f****** closed it for you; now you’re reopening it. Fine! I can take a f****** hint, but you will hear from your manager!”

(As she leaves, I close the machine again and head to the watch station, clenching my fingers and using a damp rag to ease the pain. However, I have no idea that [Customer #1] has seen everything until he speaks up.)

Customer #1: “You know what? I’m going to stay here. If a manager does come, I’ll let them know what happened.”

(Sure enough, one of my supervisors approaches, with [Customer #2], while I’m still massaging my fingers.)

Supervisor: “Did you ignore this customer?”

Me: “I was fixing a machine and I told her to wait a moment.”

([Customer #2] opens her mouth to speak but [Customer #1] beats her to it.)

Customer #1: “The machine I was at had frozen up, and he was trying to restart it when she came up asking for price while he still had his head inside of the top part. He politely told her it’d be a moment, and she proceeded to demand it be done at that moment. However, as he was getting ready to close the machine, she slammed the machine down on his fingers.”

(I held out my slightly red fingers to illustrate the point only to notice [Customer #2] turning red.)

Customer #1: “He kept it to himself about how bad it hurt while reopening the cover. That’s when she left.”

Supervisor: *looking at my fingers and then at [Customer #2] pointedly* “What happened?”

Customer #2: “Uh… Um…” *turns red and leaves in a hurry without anything*

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