Lawnmower Man Has Some Problems

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(I work in a hardware store that has a lawnmower shop attached. We sell lawn equipment and repair them as well. When we get someone who wants a lawnmower blade or chainsaw chain sharpened we have to put the customer’s name and number in the computer. If it’s too late in the day we can’t sharpen the blades or chains as all the unit techs have started working on large equipment or have gone out to deliver people’s equipment. On weekends we don’t have unit techs as they have the weekends off. A number of coworkers and I are working on a Saturday and it’s just started to get busy. I’m called to the front of the store to go help the cashiers out a bit. When I get back to the parts counter my coworker is wide eyed and kinda dazed.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], are you okay?”

Coworker: “Um, well, a customer just tried to swing a lawnmower blade at my head.”

Me: “WHAT?! Are you okay? Did he hit you? What happened?”

Coworker: “This older guy came up to the counter and wanted his blade sharpened so I told him I needed his name and number. He didn’t want to give it to me and asked me why I needed it. I told him we couldn’t sharpen it today but we’d have it done by Monday at 11 at the latest. I just needed his name and number so we could call him when we were done. He got mad and demanded it be done today. I told him that there was no-one there who could do it today. I guess that’s not what he wanted to hear because he swung that blade at my head and it was about a half an inch away from hitting me in the temple. I called [Store Manager] and told him what happened. He came over and asked the customer to follow him outside. [Store Manager] sharpened his blade and told him if he ever came back that he’d kick his a** and throw him out of the store. He also said that if he wanted he could turn the video we have over to the police and have him charged. He said the guy practically ran to his truck.”

Me:“…you know what? At this point I’m not surprised this happened. I’m glad that you’re all right, though. Let me guess: he didn’t say sorry.”

Coworker: *sigh* “They never say sorry.”

Not Your Problem Will Cause You Problems

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(As a line rings, our system pops up with the caller’s account information if one is associated with the phone number. Usually, this is just to expedite serving the customer. Not so much in this case. After I confirm the caller’s name and number, the account history makes my jaw drop.)

Caller: “So anyway, I saw your subscription numbers dipped, and it’s your lucky day; I’ve got a great deal for you!”

(I’m a little speechless at this point; this man’s account is locked due to frequent credit card fraud notifications. Some scammers do sell game time off stolen credit cards, but most customers stop after the inevitable chargeback and lost time.)

Me: “Pardon me, sir, but I can’t help but notice your account’s currently locked—”

Caller: “That’s right! And if you unlock it now and give me six months’ free time, you’ll get an old and valued customer back!”

Me: “Sir, the account’s locked due to frequent charge-backs—”

Caller: *same cheery voice* “Not my problem! I bought that time in good faith. You shouldn’t have taken it from me.”

Me: “Sir, those were stolen cards, and we’ve told you six times this was against our end user agreement.”

Caller: “Still don’t see how it’s my problem. That’s just capitalism. Someone made me a better offer!”

Me: “Because they were using stolen funds, sir, which was why we prohibit such transactions in our contracts.”

Caller: “Still not my problem. So, you going to do your company a solid and get them a valued customer back?”

Me: “You want me to waive $100 in outstanding charges and give you another $100 free?”

Caller: “It’s good business sense to keep the customer happy!”

Me: “Sir, you haven’t been a customer of ours since you started relying on fraudulent time purchases. Each of those purchases got refunded, and we were issued a chargeback penalty by the cardholder’s bank. You cost us money.”

Caller: “Not my problem!”

Me: “That’s why we locked your account. You may not think it’s your problem, but we’ve decided we don’t want you as a customer.”

Caller: “What? But I’ve been a good customer! You should be thankful I want to come back after how you treated me!”

Me: “Looking over your billing history, sir, it’s looking likely your entire time with us might actually be a net loss for us.”

Caller: “Do you want me to get my lawyer involved? He says I’ve got a good chance at restitution after the way you’ve treated me. I’m offering you a good deal. You should take it instead of letting this get… messy.”

Me: “As this is now pending litigation, your lawyer may contact our legal team for any further discussions. Please understand that no one at this phone number is able to discuss matters pertaining to this account until after its conclusion. Thank you.”

(In retrospect, I wish I could have asked how his lawyer felt about his client knowingly working with credit fraud from a variety of state and international ends, but I don’t know I’d have been able to keep from laughing.)

“Winter Is Coming” Could Not Prepare You For This

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2017

Customer: “I would like to sit outside.”

Me: “I’m afraid our outdoor dining area is closed for the winter.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s too cold and snowy.”

Customer: “Well, last time I was here I sat outside and had the most fun feeding the ducks. Can you bring them in?”

Me: “Those are wild ducks from the park.”

Customer: “Yes, bring them inside.”

Me: “I can’t bring wild animals inside. Besides, they aren’t around in the winter.”

Customer: “Well, fix it or I’ll have you fired! Give me someone to complain to!”

Manager: “I can give you the number of the biology department of the local high school. Maybe they can explain winter and the migratory patterns of wild ducks.”

Needs “How To Behave Like A Decent Human Being” Classes

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(I work at a pet store that also provides training classes for dogs. The day before, the trainer got into an accident and went to the hospital. He then had a bad reaction to some antibiotics he was given and had to rush back to the emergency room the next morning. He calls and tells the manager on duty that he can’t come in, so she agrees to call his students and let them know class is canceled and will resume next week as scheduled. Unfortunately, his paperwork is messed up and the manager does not know he has a seven pm class, so she doesn’t call them. The four families arrive and ask me when class is starting. Since I got there at four pm I have no idea what is going on so I ask the manager and she tells me to relay what happened to the class, since she is busy.)

Me: *addressing all four families* “I have just been informed that the trainer had a bad reaction to his antibiotics and had to be rushed to the hospital, so he had to cancel class. We were told that the manager earlier called all his students to let them know but I think she missed your class. I am terribly sorry, you guys. Class will start next week.

Customer #1: “Oh, okay, no problem. Thank you!” *happily walks off to go shopping*

Customer #2: “Things happen. We’ll see you all next week!” *leaves store*

Customer #3: *suddenly intensely irate* “THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! WHY WE WERE NOT CALLED?! HUH?!”

Me: *calmly but slightly taken aback by her sudden shift in tone* “I apologize, but I do not know anything about training. I do not work that department; all I know is I was told the morning manager called the classes b—“

Customer #3: “WELL, CLEARLY NO ONE GOT CALLED BECAUSE WE’RE ALL HERE! I WANT TO TALK TO THE MANAGER, NOW!”

Me: “Of course. She’s the blonde one over there helping the customer with fish.”

Customer #3: “THE ONE WITH HER BACK TO US?! HORRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE!” *stomps off towards the other end of the store*

(Customer #4 was standing off to the side during this entire exchange and now looks over at me and approaches. I prepare for the worst.)

Me: “I am terribly sorry about this inconvenience. I thought the manager called this morning.”

Customer #4: “Oh, honey, it is not your fault. I don’t know what that lady’s problem is but she needs to pull out whatever died up her butt. It’s not an inconvenience; I literally live five minutes away and I bet you she lives about that far, too. Some people think that just because you work at a store you don’t have a life outside of this and you need to cater to them.”

Me: *relieved* “Thank you for understanding! So many people just don’t get it.”

Customer #4: “Well, she obviously never worked retail! I worked retail for ten years and it gives you a whole new perspective on life. Don’t let her get you down. This ain’t a big deal. Have a good night. We’ll see you next week. And tell the trainer I hope he is feeling better!” *leaves the store*

(My faith in humanity has been restored.)

That’s A Fresh Reason To Complain

, , , , , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(I work overnight at an independently-owned franchise of a very large fast food company that has a reputation for making sandwiches and fries in bulk ahead of time and leaving them in warmers to save time on orders. Many, many customers complain about this and will often resort to claiming allergies to ensure their food is made fresh. However, at my location, we cook everything to order late at night to maintain quality and to prevent food waste. We only have three or four people on this shift but only the drive-thru is open at this time, and we all wear headsets; that way, when an order comes through we can all hear it and we know what to make. Cook times are very similar on food items and are usually only just a few minutes (with only one or two exceptions) so while drive-thru is taking the order someone makes fries while someone else cooks meat, etc. so that everything comes out together and the wait time for the customer really isn’t much longer than if we made everything ahead of time. We get a lot of people like cops, hospital workers, cab drivers, and other people working late who really appreciate being able to get a hot meal late at night and we rarely get complaints.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]! What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “Hey! I want three cheeseburgers, no ketchup or onions, one large fry, and a large chocolate milkshake.”

Me: “Okay that’s [repeats order]. No problem! Your total is [total] and I will see you at the first window.”

(He pulls up and starts counting out his money. Someone calls out the time on my headset and says they are getting ready to bring the food back to me.)

Me: “Okay, so that’s [total]. Your food is going to be out in just a minute so I’m going to have you stay at this window.”

Customer: *pulling back his hand with the money in it* “NO.”

Me: *confused* “No?”

Customer: “No. I’m not waiting. I want my food NOW. This is [Fast Food Company]. Why am I waiting?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We make all the food to order at this location but when I said ‘just a minute’ I meant that literally. That wasn’t very clear and I do apologize. You actually have—“ *leaning around the corner to see the timer on the grill* “—45 seconds left.”

Customer: “I didn’t come here for fresh food! You don’t have any just sitting around you can just scrape the toppings off of?”

Me: “Umm…”

(His food was already done by that point so I cashed him out and wished him a good night but I couldn’t believe someone complained that we didn’t have food just sitting around.)

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