A Jedi Shall Not Know Love…

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 20, 2017

(I am a huge Star Wars fan, and after years and years I am finally buying the complete series, Episodes I – VI, on Blu-ray. I am 25 and have been single longer than I care to admit. This happens as I am checking out. The cashier is female; I am male.)

Cashier: *looks at my purchase “You must be single, right?”

Me: *not really paying attention* “What? Oh, umm… Yeah.”

Cashier: “I figured; you wouldn’t have time to watch all these if you had a girlfriend.”

Me: “Ha ha, yeah. I guess so.” *dies a little inside*

(I couldn’t bring myself to watch them for about a week after I bought them because it just reminded me that I could be out on a date instead.)

Thrifty With Love

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 19, 2017

(My older sister and I have finished shopping at a thrift store and are waiting in line to check out. There are lots of families in the store, and soon there is an announcement over the store’s PA system.)

Store PA: “For safety reasons, children cannot be left unattended in the store. Please make sure your children are with you at all times.”

(While we wait, I’ve decided to look at the jewelry displays on the other side of the register counters. I am gone for maybe a minute, but out of the corner of my eye I notice my sister is already talking to someone, which isn’t that unusual, given how outgoing she is. She’s in her mid-20s and is talking with a man who looks to be in his 40s. When I return, I do not expect to hear the following.)

Random Man: “It’s important to keep up with the trends to look presentable. I have thousand-dollar suits, but this was too good a deal to pass up. I mean, eight dollars?” *holds up old-looking, yellow-ish and tan blazer* “One time, it was raining and I didn’t want to ruin my fancy shoes, so I wore grungy shoes—”

Sister: “And you brought the other pair to change into?”

Random Man: “No. But wearing those shoes turned out to be a mistake.”

(I’ve been silent, trying to figure out why she’s talking to him about work clothes. She suddenly turns to me.)

Sister: *in a louder, more excited voice* “I’m thinking about going back and buying that Super Truck video game.”

Me: *groaning* “Please, no. That game looked so stupid.”

Sister: *continues pointedly talking to only me* “Nah, it looked fun!”

(I get the feeling she’s trying to avoid talking to the man again, and we continue to chatter about video games until we reach the register. We pay quickly and dash out the door before he can follow us.)

Me: *Incredulous* “Was that man in a thrift store trying to hit on you by saying he has thousand-dollar suits?!”

Sister: “Yeah! I don’t know how I get all these random guys hitting on me! He was definitely way older than me and not that attractive. He just started talking about how he was going to get [the blazer] tailored.”

Me: *joking* “I should have known better. They clearly said not to leave your children unattended in the store, for safety reasons.”

Sister: *also joking* “Yeah, this is all your fault.”

Not Single(Mother) Minded

, , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2017

(A female coworker starts a conversation with me, a male, about relationships. It’s very friendly and casual. We’re about the same age. I’m single, never married. She’s been going through a divorce and has a four-year-old. But none of that is on my mind as we talk.)

Coworker #1: “Does the thought of dating a woman that already has kids weird you out?”

Me: “Yeah. I couldn’t do that. I don’t know. That’s a lot of complications and baggage and stuff right out the gate, and I’m young enough that it’s not really necessary to handle that if I don’t need to, you know?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, for sure. I can understand that.”

(She heads off to check on her tables, and another coworker comes up to me and practically smacks me upside the head.)

Coworker #2: “[MY NAME]! You f****** jerk!”

Me: “What? What did I do?”

Coworker #2: “She was asking that because she means her!

Me: “Oh. Well, the answer doesn’t change!”

(For the record, she’s a very beautiful and friendly woman, but my position will hold. There would have to be something very magical between me and a single mother for me to be willing to put myself into the lives of her kids who will, at some level, see me as a guy keeping their mom and dad from getting back together. No, thanks.)

Behaving Fairly Fairy

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 17, 2017

Some friends and I are at a party over Halloween weekend. One of them is dressed as the Good Fairy and carries a wand which is handmade of pretty thick wood, painted, with a star and glitter. She’s also a bit of a goody two-shoes, and every time someone swears she’ll tap them on the head with her wand and say, “The Good Fairy doesn’t like that!”

As the night goes on, people get progressively drunker, and a guy none of us knows has been bugging her for a while. We’re trying to get away from him when he grabs her breasts from behind. She swings around and smacks him in the face with the wand so hard she breaks it in half. “THE GOOD FAIRY DOESN’T LIKE THAT!”

He got kicked out.

When A Ferret Becomes A Weasel

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are watching the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series. It’s my boyfriend’s first time watching it. In this movie, a teacher transforms a student into a ferret, a fun and memorable scene, concluded with another teacher running up and asking, “Is… Is that a student?” A short while later, there’s a scene depicting a big school dance, where the teacher who transformed the student sits in a corner with something on his lap.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. Pause. What’s that in his lap?”

Me: “That’s… Oh, haha, it’s a ferret!”

Boyfriend: “Is… Is that a student?”

Me: *rolling with laughter*

Boyfriend: “…on his groin?!”

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