You Just Know The Vegans Are Not Going To Be Chill(i) About This

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 26, 2017

(My fiancée and I discover a brand of frozen food that is amazing. We notice upon purchase that it is gluten free, but it takes us a while longer to realize it is vegan. Neither of us have any reason to need vegan food, being huge carnivores anyway, and my fiancée is crotchety, antisocial, and has a history of butting heads with the self-righteous types.)

Me: *stealing bites of her chili mac and cheese* “I still can’t believe something this hearty is completely meatless.”

Fiancée: *stealing it back* “I know; I never would have known if we hadn’t spotted the label on the spicy chili! I don’t know why they’d make the entire company vegan, though.”

Me: “It’s a relatively untapped market; vegans don’t have a ton of options for convenience like this, maybe three or four big brands, and almost nothing this cheap.”

(My fiancée gets a funny look on her face and puts the spoon down.)

Fiancée: *gleefully* “I just realized. We’re taking food from the vegans!”

(She’s terrible. It’s still funny.)

Must Be Working The Midnight Shift

, , , | Romantic | September 26, 2017

(I tend to dress rather casually at work and, on this day, I’ve worn a bright orange T-shirt with my usual jeans. When I get home after work:)

Me: “You know, I might have to rethink some of my wardrobe choices.”

Husband: “Oh? Why’s that?”

Me: “One of my customers called me ‘Pumpkin’ today.”

Go Nude Or Go Home

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2017

(It’s about four am when I receive a call from my boyfriend, who works third shift. I’m a fairly heavy sleeper, and it takes a while for me to wake up. I also sleep nude, as I’ve always found it more comfortable than wearing even light pajamas.)

Boyfriend: “I’m too tired to drive home from work today. Mind if I crash at your place?”

Me: *still half-asleep* “Yeah. Just knock when you get here and I’ll let you in.”

(I fall asleep as soon as the call ends, only waking up when I hear pounding on the door to my studio apartment.)

Me: *opens the door, barely keeping my eyes open* “Mornin’.”

(My boyfriend stands there for a few minutes, and when I blink away the sleep from my eyes I realize he’s looking at me in disgust.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re naked.”

Me: *looks down at myself* “Yeah? I was sleeping.”

Boyfriend: “Well, get dressed! What if someone sees you?”

Me: “Then they see a naked fat chick letting her boyfriend in at four am. What’s the problem?”

(My apartment is on the second floor, in the back corner of the complex. Someone would have to be extremely determined, and capable of climbing trees, to look in on me.)

Boyfriend: “Go get dressed this instant.”

Me: *laughs* “I pay the rent; I’ll sleep nude if I want.”

Boyfriend: *getting increasingly flustered* “I’m not coming in until you get some clothes on, and that’s final.”

Me: “Then you’ll sleep in your car. Or outside. I don’t care; I’ve got work in the morning and I’m exhausted.”

Boyfriend: *crosses his arms and stares me down, like some overgrown toddler about to throw a tantrum, for a good minute*

Me: “Good night.” *shuts the door on his face and goes back to bed*

(I woke up to several angry messages from him, almost all of them summed up as, “You’re the worst person in the world and we’re through.” I didn’t bother responding, but I wonder why he was so adamant I cover myself, while he made me hold the door open for five minutes instead of just coming in.)

He’ll Do Things With His Thingy

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2017

(My fiancée is currently working late shifts, so he is in bed when I leave for work in the morning. I usually give him a kiss goodbye, but I have a minute spare, so I climb into bed to give him a cuddle over the covers.)

Fiancée: “Are you naked?”

Me: “No, I’m just about to leave for work; why would I be naked?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know; I can always hope.”

Me: “What would you do?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know. Things.”

Underwear Beware

, , , , | Romantic | September 23, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are in bed at night, binge watching a TV series. We live with his father, so walking around the house in a state of undress is a no-go for me. I suddenly remember I bought grapes, which are my boyfriend’s favourite fruit.)

Me: “I bought grapes, by the way. They’re in the fridge.”

Boyfriend: “Really?!” *looks at me, hinting for me to go get them*

Me: “Now? Ugh, fine. I’ll have to find some PJs. I’m in my underwear here!”

Boyfriend: *flips the duvet cover off himself dramatically and points to his own boxer shorts* “What’s THIS?!”

(At this point he looks down and realises the button on his fly has come loose, and everything is on display. We both crack up laughing.)

Boyfriend: *in a tone of bewilderment* “What is this? I just found it!”

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