(My boyfriend and I are regulars at this restaurant, and as such, our orders are fairly well known.)

Me: “I want a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie.”

Cashier: “Okay, that’s a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie. I should have this memorized by now!”

Me: “If we keep coming in here every weekend, you will!”

(While my boyfriend places his order, I go sit down and wait for our food.)

Cashier: *to the grillworker* “This sandwich is supposed to be only ketchup and mayo.”

Grillworker: “Okay, gotcha.”

(A few minutes later, I hear the cashier talking to the grillworker again.)

Cashier: “This isn’t what I asked for. Only ketchup, only mayo, cheese. This is that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Grillworker: “Right, that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Cashier: “No. Only ketchup, only mayo, with cheese.”

Grillworker: “Okay, I’ll fix it.”

(This goes on for awhile. Eventually, our order comes up, and my sandwich is correctly labeled. What did I find when I opened it? No lettuce, no mayo, ketchup, mustard, and pickles. I show it to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Why is it that they stick me with the idiots on Sundays?”

Me: “Your employer does that to you, too?”

(I’m at the movie theater with my parents. Before the previews start, an employee comes to the front of the theater to make a customary speech.)

Employee: “…and please turn off all cell phones and vibrators.”

(There’s a pause before a few chuckles from the audience break out.)

Employee: *laughs* “I know what I said! Enjoy your movie!”

Me: *to my parents* “I didn’t realize this was that kind of theater!”

(Note: I work as IT support for hospitals and private practices.)

Me: “Thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

Nurse: “The doctor’s computer is broken.”

Me:  ”What’s wrong with it?”

Nurse:  ”Documents are no longer printing. Everything worked fine this morning. I think it’s gremlins.”

(I chuckle at the reference and get connected to her computer. It’s a simple fix, so it doesn’t take me long at all.)

Me: “There you go. Good as new.”

Nurse: “It’s working! What did you do?”

Me: “I opened the blinds and flooded the computer with sunlight, hopefully killing off all the gremlins!”

Nurse: *laughs* “Well, okay. Anything I can do to prevent this issue in the future?”

Me: “Don’t feed your computer after midnight?”

Me: “Can I get eight ounces of the sliced ham?”

Deli Worker: “We can’t do that.”

Me: “Okay, how about half a pound?”

Deli Worker: “Sure thing!”

Related:
Not Even Half A Brain

(I have just finished giving a wine tasting to a very nice African American couple, who then goes on to purchase two cases. They love the wine so much they buy a postcard and write a nice note to me and the owner saying how much they enjoyed their experience. As the couple gets into their car to leave, the owner returns from an errand and walks up to me.)

Owner: “Anything good while I was gone?”

Me: “Yup, had two couples come in. I sold two cases to one of them.”

Owner: “Oh, fantastic.”

Me: “And! The couple that just left  were so impressed they bought a postcard and wrote this nice note for the two of us. ”

(He reads the note, while I go grab a push-pin out of the office. We have a corkboard that we hang thank you letters and photos from customers up on.)

Me: “I’m going to go ahead and hang it up on the corkboard if—”

Owner: “NO. Throw it in the rubbish bin!”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Owner: “You heard me! I’m not putting up a half hearted thank you note from a bunch of n*****s who didn’t buy jack s***!”

Me: “You do realize that couple just spent nearly $400 on wine? They also bought the rest of our Cabernet.”

Owner: “…”

Me: “You didn’t see the two cases they loaded into their trunk?”

Owner: “But n*****s don’t have any money! Did they pay for it?”

Me: “Here’s the credit card receipt, and yes I did check his ID since the amount was over $50.”

Owner: “…”

Me: “Oh, and he’s bringing his Church group back this fall for a wine tasting.”

Owner: “Go f***ing mow the lawn or something!”

(I put my notice in that afternoon.)

(I’m at a job retreat, and am having an interesting conversation with my co-workers. Note: I am an out lesbian.)

Coworker #1: “You know, I didn’t think I’d like the movie Tangled, but I did like it. It was cute.”

Me: *laughs* Oh, man. My girlfriend is totally like Rapunzel. The blonde hair, the bubbly personality, the singing. She’s totally her Disney princess.”

(By this point, everyone seems to get that I’m gay except one coworker.)

Coworker #2: “So, is your boyfriend like the Flynn Rider guy?”

Me: “N… no. I said my girlfriend.”

Coworker #2: *blank stare*

Me: “You know… girlfriend.”

Coworker #2: *blank stare*

Me: “…I’m gay, dude.”

Coworker #1: “I think everyone got that.”

Me: “Not everyone, apparently!”

Related:
As Clear As Gay

(I’m 20 at the time and training a temp worker who was in her 40s.)

Me: “Okay, so all the claims are filed first by the year the loss occurred, then alphabetically by last name. Any questions?”

New Hire: “Nope, it’s pretty standard.”

(A few hours later…)

Me: “[New Hire], can you please find these three files for me?”

New Hire: “Okay, found them.”

(I look at the new hire’s empty hands.)

Me: “…Where are they?”

New Hire: “Right where they should be: Smith is under ‘S’, Jones is under ‘J’, and Anderson is under ‘A’.”

Me: “Thanks, lovey! Have an awesome day!”

Customer: “Excuse me for being so forward, but are you happy here?”

Me: “I suppose so, although doing the same thing for five years gets a little tedious! Why do you ask, if I may?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a manager at [popular coffee chain] and they’re opening a new store in the area, and I’d love to have you come and join my team!”

Me: “Woah, really?! You’re offering me a job? Why?!”

Customer: “Your customer service is absolutely outstanding! Every time I’ve been through here you’ve always had a smile on your face and you’re always so happy to see us! You’re just the sort of person we’re looking for! I got really worried when you went on holiday, I thought you’d left! I’m sure your colleagues will tell you I’ve been asking after you!”

Me: “Haha, so you’re the lady that was looking for me? I thought I’d done something wrong! Wow! This is amazing! I’d love to come and work with you! Where should I apply?”

Customer: “Oh, don’t bother with that, the job’s yours! How much notice do you need before you can leave here?”

Me: “About a week, I think.”

Customer: “Right. I’d go and hand your notice in now and next week we can start your training!”

Me: “Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!”

(I immediately handed my notice in and have now been working for the coffee chain for about two weeks. It just goes to show that good customer service and a smile can really pay off!)

(It’s the end of my shift and my co-worker, Co-worker #1, is going to be by herself for the next two hours. This co-worker is a day shift worker, and is infamous for leaving the store in a terrible state for the night staff.)

Co-worker #1: “Oh man, it’s going to get so lonely now and boring. What am I going to do for two hours?”

Me: “You can do plenty of things. Clean and fill the drink fridge, clean the oven and proofer, wash the dishes, do some prep, fill the sauce bottles and sweep the floor.”

Co-worker #1: “Yeah, but I hate doing that.”

Me: “Well, I guess, but it is your job, so you should probably do it. Anyway, I’m off. Catch ya’ later.”

(Two hours later, I get a text message from my other co-worker, Co-worker #2, who has just come in to work the shift after Co-worker #1.)

Co-worker #2:” Dude! [Co-worker #1] left the store in a s*** state. There were heaps of dishes, nothing was filled up, the floor was dirty and there’s no prep done at all.”

Me: “Seriously? How many customers did she serve?”

Co-worker #2: “Between 2pm – 3pm, five customers, and between 3pm – 4pm, three customers.”

(That’s an extremely quiet day for us. I decide to text Co-worker #1.)

Me: “Hey, [Co-worker #1], [Co-worker 2] has just told me you left the store a pig sty for her. Is this true?”

Co-worker #1: “Oh, yeah, so sorry. I was by myself, but it got really busy and I just didn’t know what to do.”

Me: “You served eight customers in two hours. Wow, you really got hammered. And you clearly had no idea what to do after I just told you as I was leaving. And even if you didn’t remember, you didn’t even bother to ask me or anyone else. You probably should know anyway, considering you’ve already been working here for two years.  At least if you’re going to make up an excuse, make it believable and original.”

(I received no reply from her, and the following Tuesday, she quit.)

Related:
It’s Hard Work When You’re Hardly Working

(I am the corporate travel coordinator. I am trying to get a hotel prepaid for one of our employees. I have faxed a form over to the hotel about eight times, and have been on the phone with the same person for over 20 minutes.)

Front Desk Agent: “The ink on the authorization form is not coming through; could you re-fax it again?”

Me: “What do you mean the ink is not coming through?”

Front Desk Agent: “It prints half the page, then the ink is gone.”

Me: “I don’t understand how the ink is disappearing.”

Front Desk Agent: “Have you checked the ink levels on your fax machine? Maybe you are out of ink.”

Me: “Do you know how a fax machine works? Nothing is printed on our end!”

(I explain how a fax machine works. I can hear him talking to the other agent, explaining to him how it works.)

Front Desk Agent: “Okay, we’ll change the ink cartridges on our fax machine, then can you send it over again?”

Me: “Yes, I will.”

(I hang up.)

Coworker: “Did you just have to explain how a fax machine works?”

Me: “Yes I did, and in the process lost all faith in humanity.”

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 10
Taxing Faxing, Part 9
Taxing Faxing, Part 8
Taxing Faxing, Part 7
Taxing Faxing, Part 6
Taxing Faxing, Part 5
Taxing Faxing, Part 4
Taxing Faxing, Part 3
Taxing Faxing, Part 2
Taxing Faxing