Not Freshly Squeezed

Oscar Jay Cee: Hard Man

2013-01-25T10:11:00.000+01:00

I dey form hard man

Dey try show say I be mega star

Unto say i believe say I too great

To make am show for face

But out of nowhere

She waka come

Her sight almost make me dey craze

In a way I no fit relate

She carry my head dey play

Like say I be her mate

She dey scatter my dada

Like one famous rapper

The thing dey do me nwatintin

My laugh come be winiwini

‘cos she dey totori me gidigidi

With small thing thing

Nna men this one don seize control

Dey press my mumu button

She don reveal the hope

Say we fit build a home

The Spirit Of Irresponsibility

2012-12-24T07:24:00.000+01:00

Anybody wey dem born for or wey grow up for our country Naija know one or two things about spirits. When I small, spirits na those things wey dey appear with white cloth not very far from you when NEPA take light and the whole place suddenly dey dark. For people wey grow up for those parts of town where you go need to go piss for backyard, na big wahala be that o. Piss go catch you reach the level wey you go dey do break dance, but you no go still wan go backyard go piss because of spirits. Nobody want spirit to carry am go!

As I dey grow up, the whole idea of spirits come dey change. I no dey fear those NEPA spirit things again. In fact, e get the time wey man dey pray make dem take the light sef so that… You understand, abi? My idea of spirits done mature with time and now e done reach the point where I know say for Naija, everything get spirit. Na dem dey run things. You go understand wetin I dey yarn about now now.

Some days ago, I siddon for lounge for airport dey wait for flight and somehow the gist wey some people wey siddon near me dey gist come interest me. I leave wetin I dey read, begin listen to dem yarns. From the gist, I understand say the woman among dem na senator, one of the men na pastor and the other one na top federal civil servant. Dem just dey return from pilgrimage to Jerusalem.

The pastor say ‘Nigeria cannot get it right, provided our foundation is not in righteousness’, and the senator and civil servant agree, with plenty spiritual grammar. You go know say dem dey go church well well. I turn look dem and the question wey enter my head na ‘Una done hear about a country wey dem dey call China? What about Malaysia and India? Na ‘righteousness’ dey move dem go front?’

I decide not to put mouth for their tori. Afterall, dem no been dey talk to me. The next thing the pastor talk be say ‘Jonathan cannot succeed until we remove the Spirit of Corruption from public office’.

Ah, spirit! After dem blame the way our country bend on ‘foundation wey no righteous’, dem done move the blame to spirits. I smile and shake my head.

Brothers and sisters, the spirit dey alive!

Plenty questions enter my head and na manage I manage not to begin fire these people with questions. I wan ask the senator how much dem dey pay her every year and whether e dey okay to be one of the politicians wey dem pay pass for the world, for a country wey get some of the poorest people for the world and which spirit possess her when she dey collect that money. Spirit of Greed? I wan ask her who pay for she and her friends Pilgrimage and which spirit possess the person. Spirit of Mumu? I wan ask the pastor, wey talk say him happy say pastors for Nigeria done dey speak out against our corrupt politicians, which spirit done possess am? Spirit of Lying?

Seriously, this whole spirit thing dey turn my belle. The way I see am be say, we done take our religion and twist am into the way e sweet us. Instead of us to take responsibility for our actions, we dey find am easy to just shift the blame. If we no fit put the blame for another person head then we go put am for spirit head. Afterall, spirit no go come defend himself.

I done read for newspaper about a man wey rape a 7-year old girl. When e go court, the first thing e talk na ‘My Lord, please temper justice with mercy. It was the work of the devil.’

If I be the judge, I go tell am say ‘No problems, my friend. We will impose the maximum sentence for rape on the devil and not you. Until he shows up though, you will have his place.’

Another man, wey him wife catch with another woman, no even bother blame anybody or spirit sef. E say ‘I’m so sorry, honey, I don’t know what came over me.’ Really?

I believe say the time done reach for us to begin take responsibility for the things wey we dey do, the things wey we suppose to do and we no do, and the things wey dey happen for our country. Time done reach to leave the spiritual and face our physical. I no believe say na the Spirit of Gluttony go make our president wan chop N1bn food for one year o. I also no believe say na the Spirit of News go make am wan read N45m worth of newspapers and almost N9m worth of magazines for one year. What about the N265m for computers wey dem been buy last year too? E no fit be Spirit of Repititive Computer Purchase!

So, when you leave your motor for road wey dey slope well well and you no put the hand brake on and the car roll back go kill small pikin for road, no be the Spirit of Death or wicked people from your village cause am. Na just gravity and your own carelessness. If you begin insist day you go bring spirits into the matter, then I hope say the Spirit of Truth and Justice go possess the police and them go carry you go court where the Spirit of Toothache go make the judge to provoke and e go sentence you to enough jail time, so that you fit experience the Spirit of Overcrowding, Spirit of Heat, Spirit of Strong Body Odour and some other spirits wey I no go fit talk about here!

As we dey enjoy this time of the year when the Spirit of Jollification go possess most of us, make we enjoy with common sense and dey remember say we go dey responsible for all the things wey we do. Make we also come back from our jollification with a commitment to begin hold ourselves responsible for our actions or lack of action, and also hold other people responsible for their actions or lack of action.

Merry Christmas.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Gbenga Osowe: You Be Linus?

2012-11-05T14:02:00.000+01:00

One thing wey been dey common for people wey grow up for ajepako area na to dey give person guy name (nickname if you be ajebutter) whether because of how the person been look or because of wetin the person dey like to do. For example, if person get big head, boys go dey call am Edmund /HEAD-mund/, Edwin /HEAD-win/ or one kain name like that. If na the person nose been dey ‘important’ for him body, him guy name go be like Nosakhare /NOSE-I-carry/, for big lips na LIPton, for big eye na Isaac /EYE-saac/, for person with big hands na Andrew /HAND-rew/ and so on.

Some of these nicknames na to hail the person but some dey wey we dey use to abuse person or to talk about the kain bad habit wey the person get. That kain time, the name na to use warn people wey dey around make them take beware for the person. For example, if person sabi thief them go dey call am Tiffany /THIEF-any/. So if the person dey around you, boys fit talk something like ‘Guy, hold ya wallet well o, dat babe wey dey near you na TIFFANY,’ and if you be sharp guy, you go just code and arrange yourself well so the person no go do you strong things.

But the kind people wey their own bad habit they vex me pass and wey I wan talk about na the people wey like to dey lie in and out of season. This kain people we dey call dem LINUS /Lie-NUS/ if the person na man or LAIDE /Lie-dey/ if the person na woman.

We still dey wait for Linus pant to catch fire for Naija

I agree say almost everybody dey lie at one time or another and no be everytime wey people lie e be for bad purpose, but for people wey be LINUS or LAIDE, lie na their way of life. In fact, e done dey their body to dey lie sotay if you ask say wetin be their name, dem go first tell you wrong name before dem go say ‘sorry oh, na lie,’ come tell you their real names.

I bin sabi one LINUS when I bin dey serve (NYSC) for Nasarawa and the guy na senior lie lie person. This guy own problem be say, no time wey him no dey lie and nothing wey him no fit lie about. If dis guy greet you say good morning, you need to check time again because e fit be lie. This guy nack us one wicked tori one time so. E say him carry Army officer motor go somewhere and another officer from Abuja come see the motor begin pursue am. Two of dem come dey run at high speed (like say na Formula1 for this our bad roads) before another officer come intervene say na him give the guy motor. Another lie wey the guy bin tell us be say him sleep on top tree from night till morning when armed robbers attack them for night journey. In fact this guy fit tell you say him dey listen for CoolFM or any other radio station when him enter plane or say him dey there when dem do him senior brother naming ceremony. Ok, I gree say the last one fit hard am small, but you done understand how LINUS dey behave now abi.

Seirously sha, among our leaders, e be like say we get people wey be professional LINUS. For our Federal Government sef, dem dey! Dem no dey fear to lie give anybody o. To lie give ordinary Nigerians na small thing sef. Dem dey another level. Na so dem go lie give Oga Presido sey Nigeria don improve for one kain corruption something-something, and Oga Presido no check well before e come out for public and repeat the lie. If to say sharp people and some oyibo dem no shout ‘Haba! Why una dey lie?’ we no for hear the truth.

Na the same Spirit of LINUS wey dey our government body na im make dem tell us say Madam First lady no sick and she just go abroad go ‘rest’, but dem still ask us to pray for am. Abeg, if person wey just dey ‘rest’ need prayers, wetin person wey dey sick go need? All the lies wey our government don give us done make me belief say na LINUSOCRACY we dey practise for Nigeria. We done reach that level wey if you no sabi lie, e fit hard for dem to gree make you work for our government.

Abeg, make I ask some questions sef. Why people dey tell all this mature lie dem? If we no lie, we go die? Why person go do something wey him know say bad come lie say na devil cause am? Where e see devil? Plenty other questions dey to ask, but no need to go there. I done realise say LINUS dey everywhere and everybody wey dey lie get the LINUS FACTOR for their body.

So, before you lie next time, make you ask yourself say ‘this lie wey I wan talk so, I really need to talk am, abi I just be LINUS?

Till we see next time, my name na Gbenga (no be LINUS o!).

Make we yarn for twitter @gbengaosowe

How And Why?

2012-10-11T09:11:00.002+01:00

Some time ago I get small discussion with some friends wey just come back from Europe where dem go school. As those kind tori dem dey go, everybody dey yarn about wetin him see/do. Some of dem see elephants wey dey fly, dogs with six legs, giant millipedes wey dey talk, woman with three breasts…. Hmmm, make we no go there.

Seriously sha, plenty interesting things come out of the tori, but the one wey touch me pass na one experience wey all of dem share, even though dem go different schools for different countries. That na say for their classes, they oyibo people no dey fear to get up and disagree with their professors or ask dem strong question. And as the oyibo dem dey challenge their lecturers like this, the Naija people mind dey cut!

If you dey wonder why the Naija people mind dey cut, then you no go school for Naija. Because anybody wey go school for Naija know say to stand up for public and disagree with your lecturer fit mean say you go leave school with a ‘Degree Attempted’ certificate o! Or maybe strong carry-over go gum you until you bring your papa and una village chief to come beg.

Wetin this group of I-done-go-abroad Naija people discover be say, heaven no fall down and nobody die because people disagree with or challenge the ideas of their professors. Actually, the professors dey welcome those kinds of disagreements because e mean say the students dey pay enough attention to wetin dem dey talk, to the point where dem feel say dem get opinion. So the lecturers go explain until the students understand, and na there e dey end. Nobody dey fail; nobody dey bring him ambassador to come see the lecturer.

Na my belief say, na because we been get human beings wey always dey ask question, challenge the way things dey and disagree with society and authorities, na him make man done make progress from an animal no know much about him envirionment to one wey fit fly to other planets. This culture of asking question, disagreeing and challenging na wetin the oyibo society dey encourage and na wetin dey cause change be that. Their educational system dey based on this, from the lowest level to when people wan get doctorate degree. But e no only dey restricted to education o. For social and religious issues, oyibo no dey fail to ask question, disagree with wetin people believe or challenge ideas. Plenty examples dey to show how people dey affect the world with their questions and challenges. Galileo Galilei make plenty observations about the earth and other planets, including say the earth no dey flat, as the Church (we be the authority at that time) believe. In fact, dem find am ‘almost guilty’ and lock the guy up for house arrest for the rest of him life o. But that idea live even after the man die and we know today say the guy talk true. For our own dormot here, Mary Slessor, come challenge the idea say twins na bad thing and eventually we stop to kill twins. Some of us wey dey read this thing no go dey alive if not for Mary Slessor work.

For Naija, to disagree with your lecturer, oga for office, papa, mama, pastor or imam or any other person wey ‘senior’ you or dey in a position of authority over you, fit land you inside hot pepper soup. Dem bring us up for a culture wey say people wey get authority over you or wey dey elder to you always dey correct. In fact, dem no dey lie! So anytime you disagree with somebody like that, e be like say you done talk say him dey lie or you wan show am say you sabi too much, and the person go use all the power wey him get to press your mouth close.

But na inside this our culture na him some of the problems wey we get for our country dey. Most of us done grow up not to ask question, not to disagree and not to challenge. Our whole ‘home training’ dey designed to keep us like this. I done hear of people wey their papa dey mess anyhow e like for house. And e tell dem say for him to mess na good thing. No be good thing for any of the children or the wife o. Na just for him! So anytime the guy release him gases for house, everybody go say ‘thank you, daddy’. And even though dem done grow up now, nobody done manage question their papa or discuss am. That na how the matter dey. We go laugh say this small example no dey important, but na exactly with small things like this we dey take know the big ones. As my people dey always talk, na from mess smell you go know shit smell. If we no dey challenge or ask questions about small things for our houses, how we wan take come out come tackle the big issues for society?

For our country e get so many things wey need questions, challenge and new ideas. Some of dem na small things wey we feel say no dey important, and some na big issues. But again, if you no look the small things, how you go take look the big ones? For most state-owned primary and secondary schools (at least for Rivers State), girls must keep their hair low until dem reach SS3. And even for SS3 dem need to follow certain rules on which kind hair dem go fit make. Now hair no be one of the problems wey dey worry us o. But the question I wan ask na ‘why?’ How the low cut or lack of low cut dey affect their education? I know say some of our neighbouring countries no get these kind rules, and I no sure say e done affect the education of their girls. Another one na about Law students for our universities. For my alma mater, the Rivers State University of Science and Technology, the law students always get to dress formally go class. Restriction dey on the kind colour wey you fit wear o. If you wear green trouser and yellow shirt and purple tie dey go class, anything you see, make you take am! I know say e dey happen for many other universities too. How the dress code dey affect the quality of lawyers wey we dey produce for our country, I no know. Wetin I know be say this pattern no dey happen for many other countries, including the developed ones, and e no be like say their lawyers dey bad.

Make you understand say I no dey argue for or against the rules for these two examples wey I just give o. I only dey ask why. And I deliberately no mention any very serious wahala dem. I wan let you think about dem for yourself.

For most rules or conventions wey we get, reason always dey why dem put am in the first place. But as society dey grow and change, we suppose dey review these rules and conventions everytime. Three important questions dey wey we suppose ask:

(a) Why dem make this rule?

(b) The reason make sense then and e still make sense now with everything wey we know?

I no go belleful if I no mention our religious nature. Religion na big part of our lives for Naija and our Men/Women of God (both Christian and Muslim) na very big influence on how we dey live and the things wey we dey do. I no be Muslim and I no really know how that side dey work, but as a Christian, I know say for a lot of Christians their ‘Daddies and Mummies in the Lord’ na almost God. Dem no dey lie, dem no dey make mistake and if dem talk, na God done talk so. I also know say these days everybody get access to the Bible and Koran and Hadith. That one mean say we all fit read these books for ourselves and we fit engage our Men/Women of God for discussion about all things religious.

Afterall, no matter how holy these people dey, na still human beings dem be, with the same tendency to use their own sense of wetin of morality as wetin God talk. We need to separate wetin God talk with wetin some people feel say Him suppose talk. I no talk say make we fight out religious leaders o, but I say e go good if we ask dem more questions and demand more explanations. God no go vex.

My belief na say e done reach time wey we go throway the culture of not asking questions or challenging. Now na the time to begin dey ask the important questions ‘why’ and ‘how’. If dem dey do something wey you no understand, wey you no like or wey no make sense to you, ask questions. If you get a better idea, talk am and try to change the system. If you no understand how something dey work, ask how e dey work. Maybe you fit get a better way for that thing to work and our country to dey better because of you. ‘Na so we dey always do am’ no be correct answer!

As with everything for life, we need to dey careful and try our best to ‘exercise restraint’ when we dey question or challenge, so that we no go insult or offend people. Because, when people done dey vex, sometimes even when you dey talk true, dem no dey listen.

As for you wey somebody go ask question, challenge or disagree with, abeg no vex. If you no get proper answer/explanation apart from to vex, then maybe the person wey dey yarn with you get point. Maybe the time to listen well and change done reach.

The truth be say, the time to mistake mumu for respect done pass. Make we begin think, question, challenge and suggest new ideas. That na one big step to that new Naija wey we all want.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter.

The Man Die

2012-10-04T16:54:00.000+01:00

The Pidgin English language na the best language for the whole universe! Yeah, I know say you no agree, but that one na your own wahala. My own wahala be say, sometimes e dey hard to fit capture everything wey you wan talk, the way you wan talk am, or as you for fit talk am for another language like English or French. This na one of those times wey e be like say one language no do me to yarn my mind. But I go try.

Courtesy: Owain Thomas

I no dey happy. I dey sad. I no dey feel okay. My belle dey turn me. I wan shout for somebody. I wan cry like small pikin. I wan do all these things plus many more... But no matter how I write am, you no fit still understand complete how e dey do me now. And instead of me to do any of those things wey dey hungry me to do, I siddon here dey joke with my friends and colleagues, dey smile….

I dey smile, because even inside all the bad feelings wey I dey get, the pictures and videos of the good times still dey pass through my mind. I dey remember the small small wayo (alias magic) wey been dey make me laugh and happy when I dey small; the sweets, chocolate and biscuits; all the message dem wey I always dey happy to go; some of the craze food dem wey we dey chop, like akamu and dried pepper; when I dey learn how to drive, my misperformance dem and the plenty laugh wey we laugh; the stories about interesting places wey I never go and people wey I no go ever meet; the stories of a young man wey dem force to fight during the Nigerian Civil War and when e get chance e throway gun and run leave the fight; all the second-hand Rothmans smoke wey I inhale.

I no be Nostradamus, fortune-teller, dibia, babalawo, T.B. Joshua or God. So, I no fit really see the future. I dey sure say all the drinking and smoking no help at all because dem dey actually kill too. But e get one small part of me wey dey think say, if to say the people wey dey in charge of our hospitals do wetin dem suppose do, when dem suppose do am, maybe… just maybe, I no go dey write this piece now.

On Monday (1st October), I vex for the kind health care wey the government dey provide us for Naija. I show that vex in plenty ways, and one of those ways na to write for my blog about my uncle wey dem rush go Braithwaite Memorial Hospital, Port Harcourt, on Friday (28th September) morning and for three days, no consultant come see am to read the results of the tests wey dem do. So, on Tuesday (2nd October) dem finally come see am, diagnose and begin give am the drugs wey dem suppose give am, and all of us begin dey hope say e go well.

The man die this morning.

Na the man wey dey responsible for all the things wey I dey remember now and many more wey I go dey remember as time dey pass.

To you wey dey read this article, for how long we go continue to dey tolerate corruption and the corrupt system wey dey make us poor and lead us and our fellow citizens to untimely deaths either through violence (by the security services and criminals) or through a health care system wey no dey work? Till strong thing happen to you?

To my uncle, if you fit read this thing where you dey, then know say even though the country never change now, we wey dey here must change am. I also want you to know say if family go still dey for that side wey you dey now, then you go still be my uncle. I dey miss you already. I dey even miss that smell of Rothmans for your house. And if Rothmans dey that place, then just dey smoke dey go. If money finish, just buy some on credit and when I come, I go pay.

Adieu Bro.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Family Matters

2012-10-01T10:05:00.000+01:00

I never wake up on Independence Day with this kind vex before. But I sleep with vex and I wake up with even more vex. I decide not to write this piece last night because of the vex wey dey my mind, with the hope say with less vex for my mind, I go write well. I done wake up and I still dey vex and I must write. So if this piece no be the kind of thing wey you dey used to from me, if I dey yarn plenty, abeg forgive me.

Yesterday I go Braithwaite Memorial Hospital, the biggest and best hospital wey the Rivers State Government get for Port Harcourt. I go there to visit one of my relations wey dey there. I leave there with tears for my eyes and with anger for my heart. Yes, anger. Dem say we be ‘children of anger’. If I no been agree to that title before, now I embrace the title with two hands and two legs!

Dem call me on Friday morning say one of my uncles dey very sick and dem rush am go hospital. Dem say e dey like say the man just dey shake anyhow, he eye dey shine like say dem use toothpick hold am open and e dey sweat like say e play football. My mama sef rush go the hospital.

I finally reach the hospital on Friday evening, around 6 o’clock to see my relation. Drip dey connected to him hand, and him mouth and eyes dey shake like say fly wan perch on top and e dey try to chase am away. I ask my mama wetin doctor say dey wrong with am. She say dem never talk anything. Doctor order dem to do plenty tests for the hospital, and even though we suppose get Free Medicals for Rivers State (as the governor tell us) dem pay plenty money to do the tests. Now, some of the test results done come out but no doctor done come look the results. The House Officer (as dem dey call one of the doctors) wey actually admit the man for morning, show that evening too. E no come check the patient wey e admit or see the results of the tests wey e order dem to do. When my mama, approach am to ask am if e go come see my uncle, e reply say e just come for another thing and not to see patients, and that no be him dey ‘on call’. Then the guy waka comot. That na how Friday end.

By Saturday morning, all the test results done come out, but nobody come see my uncle. E still dey the Emergency Ward and dem dey give am the drips wey dem dey give am since Friday morning, without diagnosis. I call my mama on Saturday evening to find out wetin dey happen and she say one Consultant been come there with him students, but when she meet am, the man say e come to see patients wey dem just admit that Saturday, therefore e no dey see another person. E finish and e go. Na so Saturday pass, and my uncle still dey as e dey – no diagnosis and no proper treatment!

Yesterday (Sunday) evening, I reach there around 6 o’clock again for evening and na the same thing I see. My mother and aunty done already tire. E be like say make dem slap somebody. My mama just dey talk say ‘It has not always been like this. I bath him. I change him, I do everything. The nurses are overwhelmed…’ By the way my mama na retired nurse, so she know wetin she dey talk about. Thank God say e done finally fit close eye dey sleep. I ask her who we fit complain to, and she say the people wey we suppose fit complain to, na dem suppose come treat the man – the consultants! And if you say you wan bypass dem and go to the management of the hospital, who you go see for the weekend? I just siddon there with my mama, dey listen as she dey tell me about the different people wey done die for that Emergency Ward, since Friday wey she reach there…. So, like my uncle, these people no fit afford to go any of the very expensive private hospitals for PH or fly go Germany like Patience Jonathan, so dem just dey die like fowl here.

Who dey responsible for this kind of healthcare system wey dey set up to reduce our population as quickly as e fit? The government. The governments of Goodluck Jonathan and Chibuike Amaechi. As, I understand, the Rivers State Government just dey retire experienced nurses like say the nurses dey disturb dem! Dem dey retire nurses more than dem dey employ. Also, because of the long freeze in employment into the Civil Service, during the tenure of Peter Odili, dem get big gap for experience between the old nurses and the new ones wey dem done employ now. So we get a situation where none of the State hospitals get enough nurses, compared to the patients wey dem suppose deal with. And as dem dey retire the old nurses, na who go teach the new ones? The result na say the standard wey no been dey very good sef done dey drop well well. For the Emergency Ward, last night with very many patients, na just two nurses dey on night duty. I no know how dem go cope with all those patients.

But government no go take all the blame for this one. What about the hospital management and the doctors themselves? Wetin happen to responsibility as a human being? By responsibility, I mean say if you get job, and dem dey pay you to do this job, you need to do the job. Whether you say the conditions no dey perfect, the money dem dey pay you no reach, nobody dey actually monitor you… e no matter. You need to do your job. If the conditions of work too bad for you, then resign. Why doctors no go come work? Why dem no go come see patients? Why a doctor wey admit patient and order dem to do test no go come see the results of the test and talk wetin dey worry this man or order some more tests? And if you say no be you dey on ‘on call’, why you no go get the person wey dey ‘on call’ to come do him job? And who be the administrators wey suppose dey make sure say doctors actually do their jobs? A few months from now, these doctors go find reason to go strike, and the whole of Naija go divide into two, with arguments for and against the doctors!

Just before I leave the hospital I turn to my aunty and mama and say ‘Last year, una say una brother Jonathan na the best thing wey go happen to us, abi? How far na?’

And both of dem turn to me ‘Na him go come solve the problem?’ one of them ask me.

‘Him go do everything? This corruption no dey before him come?’ the other one add.

I no be stammerer, but the plenty things wey I wan talk begin jump over each other and I just end up with very big stammer. I leave the talk there and take my vex go house….

This no be one of those articles where I go begin dey tell you wetin the solutions to the problem be. I go leave you to think about am, while I go try to solve my uncle own.

If you get anything to dey happy about, then ‘Happy Independence Day’.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Gbenga Osowe: E Go Done For Belle

2012-09-19T09:23:00.000+01:00

Tunde na one of my personal padi when I been dey for university, and I like the guy wella wella. If anybody sick, na Tunde go carry the matter for head; if you no dey class, na Tunde go do photocopy of him note for you and the guy writing fine no be small. E be like say na computer dey type one kind wicked font for him note.

But as people wey get sense dey talk, nobody dey perfect. E get something dey wey spoil Tunde - him no sabi cook! And instead of him to try improve, na so so excuse e go dey nack you. If Tunde cook any food for you, even if na ordinary white rice, comma must dey inside. E no go gree listen to you sef, if you wan talk. Anything wey you complain about, the guy get something to take answer you. If na salt too much and you complain, my guy go tell you say make you use mouth wey no get salt chop am or make you comot the salt for your mind and chop the food. Tell Tunde say salt no reach and e go tell you say make you lick salt and chop the food. The one wey the guy dey do wey dey pain me pass na if him cook food wey no done. When you complain, the answer wey this crase boy go give you na ‘chop am like that, e go done for belle’!

Courtesy: myhealthandwellnesscoach.com

You fit dey wonder sey wetin konsign you about Tunde, wey make I dey yarn plenty. The thing be say, na the same problem wey Tunde get na him Nigeria get. The way wey Tunde dey take reason say e go done for belle na im oyinbo people dey call ‘mediocrity’. Instead wey we go do as things go better, we dey belleful with the attitude of ‘chop (or manage) am like that; e go better after’.

Na that yeye behaviour dey make us no dey start preparation on time (for sports competition), and when competition wan start, we go begin spend money like say we dey pluck am for tree. See the Olympics wey just finish some weeks ago na. We been dey think say e go done for belle, but by the time e happen, dem clear our doubt! Even wooden medal sef, we no fit take come back (if not for the Paralympians wey comot shame for our eyes). But nothing go change o! Nobody go answer question for how we manage spend plenty money for nothing... and when time reach for next Olympics we go start another ‘e go done for belle’ preparation.

Na dis same mediocrity make ‘small sickness’ catch our President wife sick and dem carry her go obodo oyinbo, sake of say our own hospital for here no ‘done’ reach to treat Her Excellency. Make we no forget how long late President Yar’adua stay for hospital abroad before e die o, and plenty other Naija people wey we sabi wey no dey near our hospitals. For those of us wey pocket no reach to go outside Naija, no wahala, we go manage am like that.

I no wan talk about our schools whether na primary, secondary or even the higher institutions. Na there this ‘e go done for belle’ behaviour ‘done’ pass. Teacher for primary school no go teach pikin wetin e suppose know, e go say e go know am later. The pikin go reach secondary school and the teacher for there go say e suppose don sabi the thing. Na so the pikin go carry ‘undone’ knowledge go university. When e comot for there, companies go talk say ‘Nigerian graduates are not well baked’! Baked ko, fried ni! Like say no be all of us get the fault.

Abeg my people, this na time to begin rearrange the way we dey think. Anything wey we wan do, make we dey do am well, sake of say if e no done, na all of us go suffer am.

Make I go check the food wey I put for fire before e go ‘over-done’ because I no fit say make e ‘undone’ for belle later.

My name na Osowe Oluwagbenga

@gbengaosowe for Twitter

Make We Yarn

2012-09-17T00:19:00.000+01:00

I done struggle with wetin I wan talk now for some days. The question na whether make I yarn about am or make I bone and yarn another thing. Eventually, I decide say I go yarn about am. Afterall, this na matter of life and death.

Since I small until now, I no fit begin count the number of times wey yawa done gas for Northern Nigeria because of religious issues and nobody fit count the number of people wey done die from these problems. Almost every year, we dey get this kind wahala. Sometimes na big ones wey dey cover the whole North and other times e fit be small one just for one town or one state. E done almost turn to normal thing. But, my friends, nothing normal about wetin dey kill people o! Nothing normal about am at all!

Many things dey worry me about our general attitude to these religious wahala dem wey we dey get. I go just talk about the two wey dey worry me pass.

1. To Stereotype and Generalise

With many other issues for our country, we dey come out and show our prejudice and our stereotypes in the open. E no dey cause fight. With religious matter, na different thing. But because we no dey come out openly as Muslims and talk bad about Christians or come out openly as Christians and talk bad about Muslims no mean say we no dey talk.

Courtesy: indianmuslimobserver.com

When we dey for our house, or with friends of the same religion, we dey talk any kind rubbish wey enter our head. If a mad man from Denmark, draw cartoon wey insult the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) then the mad man must be Christian. E no matter say you never see the cartoon and say this mad man fit never enter church all him life. As a result, all Christians hate Muslims and dey evil! If some criminals wey say dem be Muslims decide to bomb a church for Jos, e must be religious war and all Muslims na blood-loving vampires. E no really matter say even though these criminals never attack mosque yet, a lot of the people wey dem done kill for their other attacks na Muslims.

E no dey hard us to just generalize. When we do this kind thing, we dey forget those our good friends, classmates, neighbours and colleagues wey never ever do anything to harm us before, yet dem be of a different religion.

2. To Form Ostrich

The ostrich na interesting animal. Sometimes when e see say danger dey come, e go run small and bury him head for sand. The idea be say as e bury him head for sand, e no dey see the enemy wey wan lem am, therefore the enemy no dey see am too. This, my people, na mumu wey done ripe! And this na the attitude wey we done adopt when e come to religious matter for this country.

Courtesy: projectmanagementunplugged.blogspot.com

Since wey I grow up to sabi something for this country, na wetin I done notice be this. Everytime we get this kind problem, nobody dey actually wan engage people of other religions for yarning. Christians go dey discuss with Christians and Muslims go dey discuss with Muslims. Anytime the gist na between Christian and Muslim, then we go so ‘insulate’ the gist because we dey fear to yarn the wrong thing. At the end we no dey discuss anything wey dey really get any impact.

During the Danish cartoon wahala, I been dey live for Northern Nigeria and for my big house, we get both Christians and Muslims. Fear, been dey catch us Christians for wetin fit happen to us, but dat na different matter. The thing wey I notice be say even in the middle of this very serious crisis, the Christians and Muslims wey done dey live together as friends, cook, eat and drink together, play football together and chase babes together no fit actually siddon and discuss the issue. While dem dey kill people for other Northern Nigerian cities and we dey hear the news every day, we still dey fear to discuss am between ourselves, make e no be say we come offend the other person. Dat na the ripe mumu I dey talk about. And na wetin done dey happen everywhere for this country for many years.

The question wey we go ask the ostrich na, because e hide head inside sand and e no see the lion wey wan come chop am mean say the lion no go chop am again? The same question na him we suppose answer for this country. All this time wey we no dey gree discuss this very important wahala wey we get, e done stop the wahala from coming again and again and again? E done stop people from dying? Our own na case where even problems wey no start for this country fit result in the death of many people for here. At the end, more people go even die for here than for where the problem actually start!

Where We Suppose Dey Go

While the whole North Africa, the Middle East, Nigeria and Sudan dey boil because of the film wey somebody make, wey insult Prophet Mohammed (SAW), Twitter been dey also boil for Nigeria. People dey discuss am and everybody dey talk how him sense reach.

Some of the talk dey show how ignorant people dey – both Christians and Muslims – about the other religion. And dat kind of ignorance dey just lead to some general statements wey no just dey wrong but dangerous! This kind of generalization need to change. If somebody from your village go prison because e thief, e make your village thief people village? Why if one Christian/Muslim talk something e go come be say all Christians/Muslims be like dat? Dat kind of lazy thinking no dey help us.

Courtesy: muslimvillage.com

During all this talk, some people no dey talk at all too and some people dey advise say make people no talk again. Me, I be one of the people wey follow talk, and I go continue to talk. Because, since we already know say our ‘no-talk’ policy never really stop bad things wey dey happen, why we go continue to dey close mouth? E no make sense to me.

Remember say for our country we done gum together with our different tribes and religions, and na so we go dey. If we go live together, then we need to find a way to understand and respect each other and live in peace. We need to begin to protect ourselves from the foolishness of people wey no get our interest as Nigerians for their mind. Make we begin yarn. Make we begin engage each other. Make Muslims being engage Christians and vice versa. Make we discuss, argue, disagree with our mouths (not with knuckles and weapons) and finally reach a point of understanding and tolerance wey go lead to peace and harmony.

When we, the few wey get access to education and exposure, begin to understand say we no need to dey fight and kill, no matter the provocation (whether na by people we no even be Nigerians or by Nigerians), then true true we go dey on the road to change. Then we need to take this message to our families and friends; our churches and mosques; our pastors and imams; to the people wey no go school and people wey eye never open.

Very importantly, we need the government to come in and do their work. First of all, government get to stop these killings and destruction wey dey happen anytime religious wahala come up. Make government no wait until people done die and property done loss before dem begin to condemn the killings and sympathize with the families of victims and people wey done lose property.

Lastly, from history, we know say no matter how good our mind dey, e go get some wicked people wey go still want to go out and spoil everything wey we dey work for. That na where the law suppose to come in. Like most European countries done do, e done reach time to introduce Anti-Hate and Incitement laws. Dat way anybody wey use him position as politician, pastor or imam to preach hate to him listeners/readers/congregation or encourage dem to go out to kill and destroy go done commit crime and suppose face the law. Anybody (even if no be political or religious leader) wey come out for public (even for internet) begin encourage hate or violence against a group of people, whether na based on tribe or religion go done commit crime too and suppose face the law.

Conclusion

We no fit continue to dey do the same things and expect say the results go change. We need to begin do things differently if we go solve some of these problems wey we get. The time to begin do things differently na now. Country people, make we yarn.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Title Nigeriana

2012-09-11T07:34:00.000+01:00

‘The families of Ntretepe and Ntretepete (no be real names) wish to thank friends and well-wishers for the outpouring of love and support during the burial of our late mother, grandmother, aunt and sister, late Mrs. Eunice Ntretepete.…. This is signed by Right Honourable Chief Andy Ntretepete for the family.’

That na the announcement wey I hear last Saturday, and e nearly make me crase! Right Honourable Chief! I done dey hear titles all my life, but this one na the one wey finally make me holla. Wetin happen sef? Person no go rest for these mad Nigerian titles wey dey make shame catch the person wey hear dem? If dat man na my papa…

Titles na normal thing for human life. Every society get e own titles, and with civilization and education wey done spread round the world, e get some titles wey dey common all over the world. The normal ones like Master, Mr, Mrs and Miss dey common all over the world, for different languages. Titles for royalty like King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Lord, etc. na normal thing for different cultures all over the world. Religious and political titles like Revd, Imam, Senator, Governor, etc. dey. Titles for the military and police, like Sergeant and Colonel dey and we also get the academic ones like Doctor and Professor too. The only professional title wey dey common all over the world na for doctors.

Coutesy: The Vanguard

For our country, some wise people decide say these title dem no do for us. We need more. I no dey really sure when dem decide am and why. E be like say some people wey go school well well, but no be medical doctors, believe say their own professions dem need title too. Or maybe dem just feel say traditional rulers and politicians dey oppress dem with their titles. So dem create the professional titles. No be we invent professional societies and organizations o. Bodies like the the Royal Society of Engineers (UK) and American Congress on Surveying and Mapping (USA) done dey for a long time. But we decide say e get something wey dem never really address – titles! So we address am in a Naija style. Because of that, we get people like Barr. Edem Duke, Engr. Aminu Idris, Arc. John Chukwu and Surv. Adewale Johnson.

As life dey go on, people titles fit change. So somebody fit go from Mr to Dr or from Miss to Prof or Miss to Mrs. Na normal thing. For some parts of the world, when doctors become consultants for their field dem dey change from Dr. X to Mr. X or Ms. X. No be for Naija sha. God go wound that person wey go ‘reduce’ your title! Sometimes too, person fit get the right to use two different titles. The normal thing for other parts of the world na to choose one when you dey yarn about the person. Because you no actually call out or write out all the titles wey somebody get, no mean say the person no get those titles again. Example of this, na the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. Because of wetin him be and the kind school wey e done go, e get plenty titles. The guy get PhD, na professor, na head of the Church of England, na member of the House of Lords and Privy Council and many more things. If you actually write everything out, him suppose be The Most Revd and Rt Hon (or his Grace) The (Lord) Archbishop Dr Rowan Williams, FBA, FRSL, FLSW. But I never ever see where anybody actually call am or write about am like this. Na always simple Dr Rowan Williams or Archbishop Rowan Williams.

For our country sha, that one wey I just talk now, na rubbish! How you wan take tell Naija man or woman say e go get title, but make we no address am with all him titles all the time na? Complete rubbish! If you no address am complete, na trouble you dey look for so. If na for occasion, the person no go gree stand up from him seat. If na for school and you mistakenly call your lecturer something ‘less than’ him/her full title, you dey set P with carry-over be dat. So, we dey get title combinations. We dey combine these titles ‘as the spirit leads’. No matter how the thing sound for ear, e no matter. As long as all the titles manage enter, e dey alright.

One of the cases wey common pass na Dr Mrs. I no dey sure why women dey feel the need to add the Mrs to the Dr for their names, but before dem marry dem no dey say Dr Miss. Surely, if Dr Mrs dey okay, then Dr Miss suppose dey fine too na. Abi na to tell the female Drs wey never marry ‘sorry, you hear?’ As far as I know, nothing inside the Dr wey make am man title. So, if a woman get the right to use the title of Dr, she no need any other title to explain her sex or marital status.

The traditional ruler for where I come from for Rivers State been be professor before e take the stool. The first time I see where dem write him name after him become ruler, the title na King Prof! I just open mouth and no sound come out! E dey like say somebody blow me for belle! King Prof! So, with all the military titles wey Prince Charles of Wales get now, when him become king of England, e suppose become something like His Royal Highness, King Colonel-in-Chief Air Commodore-In-Chief Commander Charles, abi? If a medical doctor come get PhD or somebody wey done get PhD already come get a second one, why dem no dey become Dr Dr or maybe Dr-squared? Anytime I see the man name, all I dey think na ‘Oga, no dey greedy: choose one!’

Most of my lecturers for university been be Engr Drs. But e get one wey been no get PhD but na chief for him village. I always dey wonder how him title go be when e get PhD. Engr Dr Chief or Chief Engr Dr or maybe another brilliant combination. I no go bother you with plenty more examples of title combinations as I dey sure say you done hear dem before too.

I just dey wait for na when other professions for Naija go join the title bandwagon. We go get people like Geologist Ndidi Mazi, Accountant Andy Pam, Historian Mercy Daka, Economist Paul Akwanga (to get babe go hard small o) and Chemist Kabir Musa (dem go need to add small explanation to show say dem no dey sell medicine). The sweet part go be how professionals like urban and regional planners, public relations people and agricultural economists go address demselves. And when dem go begin mix these new titles with Alhaji, Alhaja, Otunba, Eze, Mallam, etc.

Somehow I dey feel say if to say the English people never already say ‘Master’ na for small boys wey never become men, Naija people wey get masters degree for done add ‘Master’ to their names! Afterall, people wey get doctorate degrees dey add ‘Doctor’ to their own.

True true, we get very serious matter dem wey dey worry us for this country, and titles no be one of dem. If the country dey work well and titles plenty, I no mind at all. So titles no dey vex me. Dem just dey pinch me small for body…. And when things do me like that, I dey like to turn dem to play play things. So, if you sef done tire for these yeye title dem, then join me play with dem. Drop a comment and ‘create’ some interesting titles wey go fit some Nigerians. I dey see one already - Hon. Otunba Activist….

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Where Our Own Paul?

2012-09-06T05:40:00.000+01:00

For the past few months, I done dey see news from Presidential Primaries wey the American Republican Party dey do. And for the past two weeks, I dey follow am with plenty interest. Recently, Mitt Romney, the man wey done win the party primaries to contest for president against Barack Obama, choose Paul Ryan, Congressman from Wisconsin, to be him running mate.

As you fit already know, American politics no dey directly affect me one way or the other. But I dey follow am with interest because na their system our own resemble pass. Na from dem the ‘wise’ people wey write our Naija Constitution copy plenty things from. The problem be say, like person wey no read before e enter exam hall and e dey dub from him neighbour, we copy some things upside down and we forget to copy some other things. That na matter for another day sha….

I never hear of this Paul Ryan guy before, but as dem make am running mate so, plenty tori just dey fall out. Dem say the guy na very sharp guy and him star dey rise quick quick for the party. People like and respect am because him na one of the people wey dey think correct and create policy for the party. In fact, e done come up with plans wey him party believe say go move their economy forward and dem done actually debate these plans for the US Congress.

The interesting part be say, even people wey no dey agree with the way the guy dey think and people wey no dey the same party with am, still dey respect that man. Dem fit no gree wetin him talk but dem know say him get brain wey dey work well for him head. I never hear any gist about him godfathers for the Republican Party or which part of the country him from yet. I dey wait. If CNN no carry that gist, I go tune NTA.

The whole thing make me begin think. Who be the Paul Ryans for Naija politics today? I mean, who be those politicians wey dey siddon and really think about our problems, and the government policies wey suppose dey solve these problems, then come up with their own solutions to these problems if dem no agree with the government own?

I no dey talk about who dey criticize the government o. Because, almost every Nigerian wey no dey chop from government dey criticize government. Even people wey dey chop sef dey criticize quietly when tatafo dem no dey around. I dey talk about people wey dey criticize, point out where government dey fail and tell us how dem go take change the direction wey government dey go. To grumble and complain done become national sport for our country now. I no fit count the number of times I done hear 7-year old children shout ‘This stupid NEPA!’ when light go. We dey start am from small.

Nothing wrong with to grumble and to complain o. Na our right. But on their own, Chief Grumble and Alhaji Complain no dey solve any problem. If we agree say some policies no dey work, then we need new ones wey we believe say go work. That na wetin suppose follow the grumble and complain dem. And that na wetin the politicians wey no dey the ruling party, wey we done already elect, suppose dey do. The opposition parties for Naija suppose dey full of people wey no go gree the government sleep well for night; people wey go make government reason well before dem make any move.

Right now sha, I no know whether na government or opposition dey disappoint me pass. Dem plenty for the National Assembly, but nobody dey hear their voice at all. Anytime serious matter dey to yarn about, e be like say all of dem dey fear to talk make we no remember say dem follow dey share the money there! Sometimes, I dey actually wonder if dem and the government dey actually disagree on policy. All, I dey hear from opposition na how dem go dey ready for the government by 2015 and how e no go easy for government and how government no go rig elections… blah blah blah. The only thing dem never succeed to explain to anybody na why we need to change the PDP. Why we go need to come out for 2015 to vote sef? Because, to change something just because you like change, na mumu be that. Change suppose get some kind meaning. If we dey change, e must be for the better. Otherwise, no need for me to waste my time.

If we all done agree say na through democratic way we go take move this country forward, then we need some Paul Ryan-kind of people and we need dem right now. We need people to begin give us alternatives now. We need people to begin draw that line of difference between wetin we get now and wetin we fit get after the 2015 elections. We also need dem to begin ginger the common man for the streets to see say change dey come and to see the faces of this change wey dey come. If these things no begin happen now, then when 2015 come, even if by miracle, we remove the current government and put new one, e go be the same old wine inside new bottle.

This na yarn wey we done begin talk before today. E no go end today. Make the yarn continue…

For Other Matter…

1. Dana Air

The Federal Government done give back Dana Air their license to fly for Naija again o. If you been never hear am yet, you dey on a very long thing.

From the reactions wey I see yesterday, e no dey like say most people dey happy about this development, especially after we hear say dem suspend the inquest into the crash. As I done talk before, na issues like this suppose be the bread and butter of the Opposition. This na good time for some opposition politicians to tell us say dem dey feel the people.

Also, e go good to see that Naija man wey go be the first to buy Dana Air flight ticket. I say ‘man’ because I trust our women.… Not their portion!

2. Trial For Suicide

I hear say Naija Police for Abuja take one man go court because the man attempt to kill himself.

Now, I no be lawyer and I no know where the law dey stand for this kind matter o. But, I think say person wey try to kill himself need help. And I no believe say the kind help the guy need na court case and prison o! Which way Nigeria?

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Small Pikin Things

2012-09-04T00:17:00.001+01:00

I hate heat. I never ever like places wey hot for my life and I no think say I go ever like them. I no go mind if we dey get winter for Naija. In fact, I be one of those few Africans wey no go mind import weather from Europe. No fear when you hear import o, because na government go pay for am. Full subsidy. Ehm… subsidy… make we no go there.

Right now, where I dey air conditioner and heat done dey battle since morning and at exactly 12.58 pm, the walls of Jericho around the air conditioner fall down flat, and the heat finally defeat the AC. No way to fix am right now so I get to endure am.

I bring out my external hard drive, connect am to my computer and begin find music wey I go listen to, to take distract myself from the heat. I see some music wey I never listen to for many years now – the first three albums of DMX. I no understand how I still get this music and I never listen to am for years now! So I begin play am. Make I for no disturb my colleague, I form like person wey wan represent him country for the Olympics (maybe for the Ludo/Draught event) and I use headphones. You know say I no see any Nigerian athletes with those Beats headphones for the Olympics o. Some people say e affect our medal chances. If Dr. Dre no gree dash dem headphones, why our government no buy for dem na? Anyway, that one na by the way.

As I begin listen the music, I dey sing, dey dance. You know that special dance wey you only fit dance when your hands dey on top computer and you siddon, abi? Only your head, shoulders and chest (depending on the size, shape, reaction to gravity, things wey dey hold am, etc.) fit shake dey shake. My colleague just open mouth dey look me. I no look him face. I notice say him mouth dey move, so I pause my music and remove the headphones.

‘You always listen to music, but whatever you are listening to now must be special. You are singing and dancing’, the guy tell me.

I put the headphones for him head and I play the music. The guy look me with shock for him face. If you see him face you go think say e hear somebody dey recite incantations to him town juju. I take my headphones put for head and continue the music without any explanations.

I discover hip hop when I enter secondary school. I mean, I done dey hear am before that time, but na when I go secondary school I begin dey actually listen am well. I no fit really explain wetin dey about the music wey attract me o. But I been get my group of hip hop heads wey dey discuss and share the music. Most of wetin the songs dey about na babes, dope, fighting and killing. And I no really get problem with dope, fighting and killing, as far as na only for TV dem dey. As for babes, I no mind if dem show physically.... Some of the lyrics dey so bloody that I no fit play am loud if adult dey near me. Sometimes, I fit forget say my mama dey with me and one ‘rotten’ part of the song go just come out. I go just bone, put my face inside book and pretend say I no been dey listen. Na wetin make me get my first headphones. Na later I realise say to my people, na rubbish I dey listen and dem no dey bother themselves to actually hear wetin the rappers dey yarn about. As far as no be disco or highlife, dem no send! Violence or not, I been love hip hop with all my heart.

Oh, before I forget, I mean the kind of hip hop wey dem been dey play in the 90s and early to mid 2000s o. Because these days the music and the musicians done change small. E be like say if dem no put plenty braces for mouth and turn their body to small pikin writing pad, the music no go sweet. Somebody say no be braces; say na platinum teeth and say na professional tattoo artists dey do the drawing and writing. I never confirm yet. As for the songs dem sef… I tire. Dem all sound alike.

Around the same time wey I discover hip hop na him I begin play video games. Those days Nintendo and Sega been get some games wey dey scatter my dada! But I been really like the fight fight ones. Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter been bam well well. Every day I dey try to learn new combo wey I go take dey kill people. Other ones dey too, where you go just carry your sword or gun begin dey nack people everywhere. One man genocide squad! The sweet thing be say if dem kill you, you fit restart and you go come back to life! And even if the people wey you been done kill before come back to life, you already know say the way to kill person na the same way to kill him ghost and the ghost of him ghost too!

My love for hip hop and video games continue up till university and after. But over time, so many other things done dey chop man time and I no dey really fit do those things as I been dey do before. But today na different day. Thanks to the combination of heat and my old hard drive wey no dey die, I done remind myself say my feelings for hip hop never change. I realise too say I dey miss finishing people for Mortal Kombat and those other games. I dey go buy proper video game as soon as I fit. Time go dey to play am. I hear say for some of the games, you fit even customize and name your enemies and opponents. Chai, na only God know how many Naija politicians I go dey beat everyday! With their big big belle dem, e no go hard. Any one wey wear cap, na him head I go kick first. Money fit fall out. Maybe N5000 notes. I no go forget to add Boko Haram too.

I sure say everybody get things wey dem been dey do as children wey dem still love as adults. My own na hip hop and video games. Wetin be your own? Dem say ‘there’s love in sharing’, so drop a comment for under and share am with us.

By the way, this my colleague just look wetin I write finish begin tell me about somewhere for Bible wey talk say ‘When I was a child, I spake as a child… when I was old, I put away childish things’. I look am and I laugh and I continue to write. See worshiper of the Nigerian god! For my bible, that part of the bible actually say ‘…when I became a man, I put away childish things’. Na just music wey I dey enjoy and e no get upper age limit o! When we dey drive home this evening, we go pass in front of cemetery. I go show am where old people dey…

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

I Remember

2012-08-28T20:25:00.001+01:00

I remember when I small. No kind play children no been dey play - backflip, cartwheel, rubber leg, running, high jump, long jump and even poju poju. My street na 100m track for us children. No evening wey you no go hear ‘On your marks, set, go!’ outside our house. Our parents dey actually come out for our houses and watch us as we dey arrange ourselves dey run. We dey make small small ‘machines’ wey get wheels and dey push dem all over the place. Some of us dey carry old bike and motor tyres dey run for street. Sometimes they tyre dey even big pass the pikin wey dey try to push am. We been dey wrestle too. Those of us wey from villages wey dem dey wrestle come introduce am to us. But we no dey do am where our parents go see us. If not, na cane we go wrestle with. We bin play many games wey if to say we do am till we grow we for be professional play play people. I mean, I been dey very good with my catapult. I dey shoot anything wey dey move. I enter trouble a few times because of am too.

I remember say the navy men wey dey stay for the NNS Pathfinder Base (that time na NNS Akaso) dey like to jog for morning. And dem no dey mind if people join them to jog, provided you no go try to slow dem down. If you dey slow down, dem go run pass you. If you fit run like dem, you go just join dem dey sing dey go. As teenagers, some of us dey follow dem dey run, because e just dey sweet us to fit run with these military men. Even on days wey navy men no dey run, a lot of people - both old and young, dey still come out for morning to run.

I remember say for our different cultures, e get many things wey people de do to enjoy themselves and to stay fit. Some tribes get special days for wrestling where people go gather dey beat drums, chant songs for their person and cheer the wrestlers until one person back go touch ground. You remember the famous Okonkwo and Amalinze the Cat, from Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe?

I remember play play for school. We extend a lot of the play from house to school. Break time no be small thing. Then inter-house sports competitions dey too. Na the biggest event for the school calendar every year. In fact when at a certain time of the year, every weekend you go see children wey wear their different House colours dey go school with their parents for inter-house sports. Na our own Olympics be that. For primary school my house dey like Nigeria for London 2012, but for secondary school my house dey like USA! Plenty singing and dancing when dem go award us the trophy o.

Now I look around and most of the things wey I remember, done disappear. We all dey sad say Naija perform very badly for Olympics and everybody dey shout about reform of the Sports Ministry and Sports Federations and grassroots sports development. That na good shout. But you see, the problem of our sports no be just say nobody send for grassroots development. E pass like that.

When I small, I no know how small pikin fit take stay inside him house when others dey play outside. E hard o. If you look around now you go see children wey no dey play at all. Dem either dey watch Africa Magic or dem dey watch cartoons, depending on their level of aje. As dem dey grow up, e go change from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel to MTV and E! where dem go discover the Kardarshians and My Super Sweet 16 and na there their own finish! Dem papa and mama no de allow them go outside. So, dem no fit run around or mix with other children or climb trees.

But wait first o. Even if parents allow dem go out, na which tree dem go climb sef? All the trees wey been dey around, done disappear finish. Government done sell or dash dem to people wey done build house everywhere! I remember the parks and playgrounds wey we been get all over Port Harcourt. Public places dey to play football and basketball and even swim. For places like Elekahia Housing Estate, gardens dey where people dey go relax and children dey go chase butterflies. I no fit remember the last time I see butterfly sef. That garden done enter voice mail since! The one garden wey the present government do now, fine well well, but dem put am for express road! I no sure how person wan let him children go play for express road garden o!

Now, even if the parks and playgrounds still dey everywhere, people go really let their children go play? The primary duty of every papa and mama na to take care of their children in the best way wey dem fit. And our country be as e get now, which person get strong mind to let him pikin comot for house just to go play? People wey dey kidnap dey one corner dey do their own, while people wey dey bomb dey their own corner too. Then you get plenty people for road wey dey drive motor and ride bikes like say evil spirits dey pursue dem. How any papa and mama, wey their head correct, go wan let dem pikin just go outside to play na?

Now anybody wey think say the children fit play for school these days no dey live for Naija. Because most of our government schools dey useless, anybody wey get small money dey put him pikin for private schools. Every year, more and more people dey send their children go private schools. And if you done see most of these private schools, e dey easy to understand why children no fit play. Most of them no even get enough classroom space sef, before dem go get playground. So where the children wan play and how dem wan take do inter-house sports?

The Paralympic Games done almost start. And na wetin make me remember Olympics wey I done try to forget. You done see our primary and secondary schools for disabled children? Na just like most government schools. Dem dey rotten dey go. Unfortunately, we no get private schools for disabled children. How this people dey manage, na only God sabi. But we dey expect medals for the Games abi? Yes, by the grace of the Nigerian god.

At the end, the question be say ‘how children wan take develop interest for sports and develop whatever talents dem get, if dem no get the chance to play?’

We all agree say government need to do something about sports urgently. But no be just about more money for the ministry or kicking out the corrupt officials and putting new blood. Government need to go back to their basic work. That work na to care for us just the way parents dey care for their children. Government need to keep us secure, protect our environment so that we go fit enjoy life, provide education of a high standard for our children (including the disabled ones), provide world-class health care facilties, etc. If government do these things, children go begin play again. And if children begin play again and our Sports Ministry plan well and implement the proper programs, e no go tey before we begin do well at every level of sports.

I go still dey follow the Nigerian athletes for the Paralympic Games. Maybe, dem go give us wetin we no been get for the Olympics Games. But even if dem no fit, I go still dey hail dem. To do wetin dem dey do, no be beans.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

I dedicate this piece to the special person wey write am with my hands.

O Na For Opposition

2012-08-21T00:19:00.000+01:00

If e get something wey we sabi do for this country, na to yarn. Nobody fit accuse Nigerians of not talking. The only wahala there be say we dey spend too much time dey yarn about the things wey no really important, and we no dey yarn enough about the important things.

I read Nigeria: A Case Of Too Many Purposeless Cooks by Debo Adejugbe last week with a mixture of happiness and sadness. I happy because e be like say the guy dey read my mind as e dey write. I dey sad because, I get a strong feeling say if we continue the way we dey go today, we go dey sing the second verse of the song we dey sing now after 2015. The song of ‘how we manage enter one chance?’ So we need to talk about am again and again and again…

On the fact say we need our country to start to move forward, we get general agreement. On how the country go take change, agreement no dey. Everybody get him different idea. Some of us believe say the change wey we need na personal thing. So, if you or your person manage enter government, and things begin happen for una side, then life go change sharply, therefore Nigeria done change. Make una fall inside gutter and break leg! A good majority of us done leave am for the hand of the Nigerian god. Dem believe say if we continue to dey pray without season (or maybe na ‘ceasing’), one day the country go change. I wish dem good luck. I no sure if I intend the pun.

The one I wan really talk about na the third group of people. Dem know say for the country to change, we need a change of personnel. And na every four years we dey employ, sack or renew the contract of the ones wey we already get. Na elections I dey talk about. We know say most of the people wey dey lead us today deserve ‘sacking’. But if we sack dem, we need to put in people wey we believe say go give us wetin we dey look for. And that na where the opposition suppose come in.

In other parts of the world wey their heads correct, if government dey misperform and the opposition dey offer the people something wey make sense, the people dey kick the government out and give opposition the power.

This opposition wey I dey talk about no mean people wey their party different from the ruling party o. I mean parties wey dey actually ‘oppose’ the government. These na parties wey dey monitor wetin government dey do and offer the people something different if dem no agree with the government (and that disagreement na almost everytime). And normally dem suppose to dey do this work in a way wey all of us go see say dem different from the government. In the way dem dey talk, in the way dem dey stand on matter wey dey enter the legislature (both national and state) and in the way dem dey address national issues.

Naija Opposition: Same as the government?

For Nigeria, the opposition suppose be the ACN, ANPP, CPC, etc. But look all of dem and see if difference dey between dem and the PDP. If tomorrow we vote ACN or CPC into the presidency, how dem go dey different? I no sure. As Debo Adejugbe talk, e be like say the only thing wey the non-PDP people get for their mind na to ‘capture power’. So after dem capture power, what next? E no be like say dem dey sure wetin dem wan use the power do.

As I understand am, opposition no dey start 6 months to election. Opposition suppose start from the day dem swear the government in, and e suppose continue till the government commot. Opposition suppose dey mark government like defender dey mark attacker for football, and once in a while we suppose dey see sliding tackle! As the government dey bring policy, the opposition suppose dey bring their own to show Nigerians the difference. That way, the government go dey think twice before dem open mouth to yarn or decide to do something.

The fuel price increase of January 2012 na huge opportunity for the opposition for Nigeria to show us wetin dem dey about. The way I see am, na big New Year present wey the government been give dem. A gift of very strong rope wey dem for use hang the government. In other correct countries, the opposition for jump on top am and by the time dem finish with the government, you no go buy government with 10 kobo! But wetin our own opposition do? Nothing. A few people come out against the fuel price increase, but no be wetin I dey talk be that. As political parties, these people suppose show strength. That for be the time to tell Nigerians how dem dey different. E for be the time to tell us say dem go be government for the people if we give dem power. Instead, wetin we actually hear be say the non-PDP governors been done already agree to the fuel price hike na him make dem all close their mouths.

What about the opposition legislators wey dey the National Assembly? I mean the Minority Leader and all him people. How far with them? How dem dey try to attack and modify the policies of the government? How many bills dem done sponsor and try to push through? Apart from ‘I concur’ and ‘I second’ e get any other thing dem dey talk for there? Or true true na a case of ‘when you dey chop, no talk’? Because, opposition or not, plenty pepper still dey rest for their side!

We need to begin focus our energy on the opposition as we dey focus on government o. Because we no go bring people from another country to come take over the government. A strong opposition na the only alternative.

As e be now, plenty time done already waste, but time still dey to clean the mess before 2015. Because when play play go turn to players, no be me and you wey dey use Twitter and read news online go matter. Na the millions of Nigerians wey no sabi wetin internet be or get time to read newspaper go go out there to vote. Dem plenty well well and na their votes go make the difference. Na the people wey the opposition suppose dey try to reach now with their structure, yarning and most importantly with their actions. That way, when the time come, Nigerians go do the right thing.

I done talk my own, but make the talk continue. Make e continue until we begin do the right thing.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Naija Grammar

2012-08-07T10:28:00.001+01:00

Today yarn go start like say na English class. Abeg no vex. I know say you no been like that your English Language teacher for secondary school. Try no extend the hatred reach my side. But if you no fit hold yourself and you still dey provoke, then just take the annoyance read wetin I write finish and drop comment about how I make you vex!

We be country of people wey sabi yarn. And if we manage sabi one or two big word dem, then the yarning dey even sweet pass. Normally, the way people dey yarn no dey worry me. But e get two things wey we dey yarn all the time for this country wey dey worry me. Dem dey worry me because we done bend dem from wetin oyibo say dem be to wetin we feel say dem suppose be. Forgive me for the plenty grammar wey you go soon read, but I need to quote wetin dey for book so we fit see the real meanings.

Empower (Oxford World English Dictionary)

verb

[with object and infinitive]

give (someone) the authority or power to do something:

members are empowered to audit the accounts of limited companies

[with object]

make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights:

movements to empower the poor

carry along (Longman Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs)

1. to carry something with one (synonym carry about)

2. to cause (someone) to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.

3. to encourage (someone), as to keep trying.

A few years ago, just some months after Amaechi become governor of Rivers State, I been dey one joint dey do joint things and gist with my guy. As e dey always be with boys talk, the gist come enter government matter. The guy say Odili (a former governor) better pass Amaechi. So I ask am why e talk so. The answer e gimme na simple one.

‘Odili been dey carry people along. Amaechi no dey do like that.’ Na wetin e yarn.

I look my guy with shock. ‘Just that?’

‘Yes o! The guy no wan empower people.’ E continue. Then e go on to explain wetin e dey talk about.

As e explain am, for Naija ‘empowerment’ and ‘carry along’ get different meaning o from the ones wey I copy from dictionary. When we talk say we want our government to empower us, we mean say we want dem to dash us money. When we say we want dem to carry us along, we mean say we want them show us where we go dey thief our own money as dem dey thief their own! When the guy finish the explanation, I no know where to begin address am from. So, maybe the meaning of ‘carry along’ no too far from wetin oyibo talk. Dem say na ‘to cause someone to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.’ I dey suspect say we interprete ‘etc.’ to mean ‘loot’.

Just like the other guy wey I recommend ‘government slap’ for last week, na wetin been dey my mind for this guy too! No part of wetin the guy explain to me get anything to do with to good government and leadership. The only thing wey matter be say extra money dey enter people pocket.

During Odili time, our state turn to playground for every young man wey wan become Rambo. Our politicians wey say dem must win election or siddon for political seat for second term, buy weapons give these young men. And dem turn Port Harcourt and the towns and villages wey surround am to battle grounds. Small boys go just enter one backyard, dem flog dem 24 strokes, cut their body with blade, rub some white chalk put inside, give dem coloured kaikai to drink, give dem gun to carry and dem done turn gang member/cultist. Na so wetin we dey call militancy now for the Niger Delta start. Where the thing change from fight for political power to fight for the progress of the Niger Delta na tori for another day. But the thing be say, people been no know peace that time. When Amaechi come, things change. Most of that nonsense stop. This no be endorsement for Amaechi. Na wetin happen be that.

So e dey turn my belle say some people still think say Odili time been better pass, because him ‘empower’ dem and ‘carry dem along’. Na serious matter wey suppose make us begin think well well. So if money dey enter person pocket, e no matter if bullets dey fly pass him head, eh?

‘So you for like make e carry you along, and then you go hide inside house dey drink this drink because you no want somebody to come shoot you, abi?’ I ask am and e no fit answer me.

The sad thing be say, no be only that my friend dey think like that. Na very common way to think for Naija. And trust our sharp politicians. Dem be part of us, so dem understand how we dey think. Dem know who to ‘empower’ and who to ‘carry along’ and things go dey move well for dem. Dem go come up with one ‘Youth Empowerment’ or ‘Women Empowerment’ scheme and people go begin jump and clap hand. Some people go gain small because pepper go rest for their side. For others, contracts, wey dey benefit only the contractor and the politician, go reach their hand and dem done carry dem along be dat. But for us, as people and as communities, nothing dey happen.

We need to live in peace, make money and live well o. But for these things to happen, our infrastructure, economy, and security need to improve. And those things na government work. We need to ask government to do government work wey be to provide the correct environment, so that ordinary citizens fit do the citizen work, wey be to work hard, start business and to create jobs. That na empowerment. And when government dey do this government work, make dem dey yarn with the citizens, so we too fit put mouth, and we fit tell dem the way those things go work well for us and we fit understand each other. That na to carry us along.

The change, wey we dey look for, dey for our hand.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

E Dey Sexy To Know

2012-08-03T09:40:00.001+01:00

‘Imagine that! So, even the British can make mistakes, eh? Look at how they spelt Switzerland.’ The babe dey point television dey talk. This na the day after the London 2012 Olympic Games Opening Ceremony and we dey watch a replay of the ceremony.

I look wetin she dey show me and I tell her say ‘That no be mistake o. Na Swaziland be that and na country of its own.’

‘That’s not true. Is it because the people are black? They have black people in Switzerland too. These guys have messed up! How can they change Switzerland to Swaziland and you say it’s not a mistake?’ See the babe dey blow grammar, dey drag wetin she no sabi with me.

‘You wan bet?’ I ask her. ‘Then we fit use Google Search for your Blackberry take check am.’

‘Well, I don’t have Google Search on my phone, but I know Switzerland and it’s in Europe’ She dey yarn with open eye.

I just shut up my mouth and gum my eyes for television. Because, if I look her two times, I fit yarn something wey I no suppose yarn. So this girl no know say her Blackberry dey do things apart from BBM, Facebook and Twitter, eh? She never use Google search for anything for that phone since she get am!

This yeye discussion make me remember one like that wey happen two weeks ago. I hook up with one of my friends wey I never see for a long time, and as those kind things dey always be, we begin dey gist about our friends wey we never see for some time too. When e ask me about one of our guys wey be petroleum engineer, I tell am say the guy done get transfer go Norway and na there e dey work now. The thing wey follow next, just make me tire.

‘That na good one o. I hear say dem get plenty oil and money there. All those Arab countries with too much money. Me sef go like enter somewhere near there o. Somewhere like Kuwait or Qatar…’ The guy just dey yarn dey go.

‘O boy Norway na European country o’ I quietly tell am.

‘Na wa to you o! Dem get oil for Europe? Why you dey yarn this kind yarn?’ The guy wan drag with me.

Courtesy wherearemyabs.com

After a few minutes of argument, the way the guy take finish the gist na ‘If you say na so e be, then I believe you. Na people like you dey know this kind useless things sef. Afterall, wetin I dey carry am do? Dem dey pay person money to know am? I no be Sabinus.’

‘Wetin you come be? Ignoramus?’ I no talk am o. I just think am. I just dey look the guy dey boil. See guy wey get daughter wey dey kindergarten. This guy need somebody to tear am better slap! E no go be me, because I no dey roll like that... I mean say, who go pick my pieces when e finish with me? But I no go mind if e find trouble and somebody just tidy am up. I dey talk of proper government slap. You sabi government slap? Na that type wey when e touch you, the hand dey cover your mouth, nose and maybe eyes, and you dey feel the pain even for your ears. You go also dey hear sounds wey dey like Halleluyah Chorus remix by Terry G.

Seriously though, this kinds of discussions dey make me tire. Nobody on this earth fit sabi everything. That na true talk. But as a person, at every stage you dey for life, e get things wey you suppose to sabi. If you no sabi these things too, no be crime. Afterall, law no dey for that kind of thing. Wetin suppose be offence na when you find out say you no know something and instead of you to jeje learn that thing you either begin dey drag like say you na your papa act ‘Dragon Forever’. E suppose be offence too if you begin dey act like say e dey cool or sexy not to sabi anything.

Most of us love our country well well. Some of us dey pretend not to care sha. But all that na wash. See as people like me wey no too send for Basket Ball stay awake last night to watch as USA wan take their father play! As the game finish, we people just take vex begin ‘twitter-beat’ Ghana people! (Ghana no vex, na where our power reach be that). Seriously sha, we love our country and we all know, our government done fail us scatter. Everyday wey we wake up and believe say e no fit bad pass as e dey, e be like say we dey challenge dem. Before the day go end, dem go show us say we never see anything. So, all of us dey find change. Okay, maybe no be all of us (because as the country dirty like this, some people be like pigs), but a lot of us want change. We go like make our country begin grow again, make we get peace, security, electricity, roads, job, etc. And we go like make this change happen sharply.

But for us to drive that change, for us to push other people to do wetin dem suppose do, we need to ready ourselves with knowledge. We need to know our world and how things dey work for other places. We need to know about each other and our differences. We need to dey learn new things constantly. Even our different religions dey direct us to continue to dey learn new things. No be the Bible wey talk for Proverbs 18:15 say ‘Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.’ [New Living Translation]? What about the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) wey say ‘O my Lord! Increase me in knowledge [Koran, 20:114] and also order Muslims to ‘Seek knowledge even in China’? E mean say excuse no dey why we no suppose to try to improve ourselves.

And before you begin hammer our educational system, make I explain say no be school I dey talk. We know say our bad educational system dey contribute to wetin dey worry us, but as individuals, that excuse no correct. ‘Dem no teach me for school’ no be reason why you no suppose know say Obama na president of the USA.

As some people wey get sense done talk before, whatever change wey we dey look for need to start with us. In fact, we need to be the change wey we dey look for. So therefore, na each of us responsibility to gather knowledge. Whether na to read books and newspapers or listen to/watch the news or watch films (I no talk say tune to Africa Magic and throway the remote o!) or ask questions, e no matter. The knowledge fit no be something wey we go use immediately; e fit no be something wey go put money for our pockets now now. But, a day go come when we fit use wetin we know to better ourselves, the people around us and maybe our country too.

That my friend wey no fit find Google for her Blackberry just call me. E be like say she done see am…. She dey sound a lot more... ehm…. Off I go!

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

That Man Scent

2012-07-31T12:06:00.002+01:00

For the past few posts, I done dey yarn about our national wahala and things wey I believe say suppose dey different. Today, I go leave that yarn small and enter a different kind of wahala wey I dey encounter sometimes.

Last week, I dey hurry go somewhere, to go see somebody wey wan do something for some… Anyway, I run come out of the office wey I dey and luckily I just see one empty taxi. I open the taxi door, jump in, tell the driver where I dey go and him tell me price. Then the ‘scent’ hit me! I try to open mouth talk, but e no gree me open, so I just dey look the guy. E be like say the guy feel say na the price wey e tell me na him make me dey look am like that, because e reduce am immediately from N1000 to N750. I still dey look am! E just dey like say make I drop from the taxi immediately, but when I look outside and see the multitude wey dey wait for transport too, I strong mind, tell the guy to move.

The guy ‘aroma’ na die! And no, I no mean say the guy na amala and okro soup o. I dey talk of the type we dey come out when person dey get beef with bathroom. You know that type wey, when you enter church and siddon near person, the scent go just reach u sharply and you go know say e no go be good Sunday service, abi? Then small time pastor go begin talk something about ‘lifting up holy hands’. All you go dey think na ‘Pastor, no try am! No try am o!’ Yes, na that one! E dey make you no fit breathe and make tears wan comot for your eyes.

As we begin move, the guy begin gist me how traffic dey very bad, and how the strike wey tanker drivers been go dey make fuel scarce for town, and him just spend plenty money buy fuel, and him wife just…. Plenty plenty yarns! The guy no gree stop. The ‘scent’ wey dey come out from him mouth make me dey wonder if e drink garlic juice before e leave house or whether na garlic-flavour toothpaste e use wash mouth that morning. I no just know how to take tell the guy to shut up and just drive quick before I quench inside him taxi. I close my mouth, put nose for window and just dey look outside until we reach where I dey go. I pay am sharply, look him face well well, so that wetin happen that day no go repeat itself, and I waka.

I yarn about the matter for Facebook that day and many people just dey laugh about am and some girls take am dey yab guys. Dem just dey yab us as if we no know say dem... nevermind, that one na another tori. But e get some comments wey make me begin wonder. One guy yarn say to use deodorants and antiperspirants no dey ‘manly’. Another person talk say even if man no feel say him body dey smell bad, then no need to use deodorant. The guy no finish there o. E also say him own body na special one; and if e no baff for some days sef, him ‘scent’ na still perfume!

Guys, I no fit believe wetin I dey read. Seriously, for this century wey we dey so, people still dey think like this? Young and educated people o! E no dey make sense to me. So, according to the first guy, e good for women to dey walkabout dey smell fine, but for men na different matter. If you be man, and you take action to make sure say you no smell like soured something, then you no be proper man again. The second guy make me begin wonder if some people no dey actually smell themselves. Maybe some people nose done get immunity from their own odour. I sure say this particular guy no dey smell himself. Because, if e dey smell himself, e go know say after some days wey water no touch him body, e go dey ooze!

See as I understand am. The way a person dey smell dey na matter of how ‘clean’ the person dey. If you be durty person, you go ooze! If you brush your teeth and clean your mouth well, ‘baff’ well and use wetin you suppose use on your body, then you suppose dey fine. You no go ‘mistakenly’ kill somebody for road or for public transport with your aroma. E no matter whether you be man or woman. If you do all those things and you still dey walkabout with ‘scent’ wey no correct, maybe na hospital or prayer house or babalawo matter be that.

These people wey dey carry their body wahala come dey worry us for public no dey fear God? We get plenty wahala for this country wey we dey face everyday and we no really need their own. As for that my guy wey dey yarn say e be everlasting perfume, I get plans for am. The next time I dey go see am I go carry Air Freshener for bag, just in case… I no fit shout.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Like Oliver Twist

2012-07-27T11:50:00.004+01:00

About two weeks ago, I dey one airport for Africa with my Asian colleague and we just dey discuss travelling and other things. Then the guy say,

‘This airport is alright but too disorganised. If they organise it better it’ll be nice.’

For one moment, I surprise small and just dey about to answer ‘This airport? Are you kidding me?’ but I think am again and just nod my head and smile. Wetin the guy talk na true. No need to argue.

This airport wey we dey talk about so na correct one. No be like Murtala Mohammed Airport wey when Police search you bag finish, dem pass am to Army; Army finish dem pass am to Navy; Navy finish dem… you get the picture. Things dey work well, and you no fit waste time for there. The only issue be say e get plenty airports for Europe and Asia wey correct pass am for organisation. And that na wetin my colleague dey talk about. The airport good, but e still need improvement.

The thing wey happen to me, na wetin dey happen to most of us for our country. We done live for country where things no dey work at all, so that every small thing wey work, na blessing. For example, a Governor go give contract make dem repair bad road and all of us go dey happy, dey praise God and the Governor. We dey forget say na this same Governor give the contract wey dem take construct this road two years before. And if to say dem do better work, the road no go need patching. Or you go to enter flight scheduled for 7am and the flight leave at 8am. People go say ‘Thank God o! Na only 1 hour delay. Normally, e dey pass like that.’

Oliver Twist courtesy Jake Parker

Even some of us wey done travel to places where things dey work well sef dey do the same thing. Somehow we no dey feel say we fit get those same excellent standards for our country. So, we no dey expect good service, infrastructure, leaders, etc. Because we no dey expect those things, we no dey complain when we no get them. We no dey demand for them. When we get pass wetin we dey expect, we go give thanks like say we done get the whole world. But deep down, we know say wetin we get no reach standard.

We know say to thank somebody for something (even when na him job e dey do) na good thing o. But after we say ‘thank you’, nothing stop us from being like Oliver Twist and to say ‘I want more’. We deserve more. We know say we fit get more. Governments and businesses for other countries dey provide more for their people, so why not our own?

We need to change this culture of not demanding. We need to demand things from our politicians, leaders and our government. We need to demand things from the people wey dey provide us services – telecoms, transportation, media, etc. We need to demand things from each other. If we no demand, maybe some people no go realise say dem dey misbehave. Dem no go know say dem performance no reach. And some people wey know say dem no dey perform, no go get any reason to improve.

As D’banj talk ‘I wanna have them all…’ we fit ‘have them all’. Not the ‘them’ wey D’Banj wan have o! But we fit get those things wey we need for our country.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

We Want The Opium

2012-07-24T10:52:00.002+01:00

Na Karl Max wey talk say religion na the opium of the masses. Meaning say na wetin we dey use ‘high’ ourselves so that we no go face reality. I agree with am completely on the issue. But I also know say opium no be for dulling alone. E get other very good uses wey make am important. Na so religion be too. And before you begin ready to call down the anger of God for my head, this yarn no be about religion, so make we move on.

Courtesy cutesexyfunnyawful

Like most Nigerian guys, I love football. I no really know why I love am. I just love am. I believe say e dey my blood. I say e dey my blood because I know say my grandpapa been love am too. I fit remember as me and him dey siddon with him old ghetto blaster dey listen to Radio Nigeria football commentary. When Naija dey play ball and light no dey to watch am for TV, na the style be that. The way commentary been dey those days, we go done shout ‘goal!’ like 5 times before dem actually score one! We no mind sha. We dey enjoy am.

I also remember say when Enyimba win the CAF Champions League final with penalties, I no fit watch the match where I dey. So, I use my phone to listen to commentary of the shoot out! And I jump and jump when dem win. Yes, I love Naija football reach like that, and I know say I no dey alone for that situation.

In fact we plenty wey be like that. Just check out the way people dey stand in front of any building wey get TV wey dey show football on weekends and you go understand. I look back now to the period between the late 80s and mid 90s, when Naija football been solid and I wonder. Though we been never begin watch the Premiership or Champions League as we dey watch am today, we been like our local league and our national teams. And e look to me like say instead of just religion then, na religion and football been be our opium.

If you no believe say we use football dey ‘high’ ourselves, then you no remember Japan ’93, Tunisia ‘94 and Atlanta ’96. The kind of attention wey we give those competitions and the kind of joy wey we get when we finally win, no get mate. For ’96, at a time wey Sani Abacha done turn our country to wetin-I-no-fit-describe, I remember women dey run for street with happiness and wrapper dey fall from their waist! People dey carry wooden Olympic Torch, beat drum and sing for street for 2am! Somehow, for the period wey we go talk about and watch the football, we dey forget all our problems. That na unless NEPA take light o! Because, we done hear stories of how people go beat NEPA officials because light go during football.

These days, things done change. Our football dey add to our many problems. Countries wey been dey fear when dem hear our name before, now dem dey make noise. And no be just noise o. Some of dem done stop us make we no go World Cup and African Nations Cup. Our teams no dey fit qualify for Olympics again and even the age-grade and female competitions, where we dey shine before, done dey hard us. Which way Nigeria?!

So, now we get a situation where Naija people dey pretend say dem no get interest for Naija football again. We know say na pretend dem dey pretend, because e dey inside blood. You go ask somebody whether him watch the last Nations Cup Qualifier and if Naija been play well, e go say e watch am. If we no play well, e go say e no been know say match dey sef. But I understand say dem dey try to protect themselves from the heartbreak wey dey follow Naija football. People dey soak demselves inside European football and try not to remember our own.

But no matter how European football sweet, e still no sweet reach when we win the Nations Cup in ’94 or the Olympic gold in ’96. That collective feeling of highness na the very one. That joy wey dey cut across all the boundaries of tribe, religion and status for our country, na something wey we no fit measure. E unite us pass the Fuel Subsidy removal wahala for January 2012 sef. Na that joy we done dey miss for years now.

I agree say we get very serious problems for our country. Problems wey big pass football or any other sport. I know say if we begin win football matches again and other countries begin fear us like before, e no go really change our suffer for this country. The suffer go be the same. But then, if we begin win football matches again, na bad thing? True true, to get back to the time when we been dey do well for football go take plenty hard work from different people. The world done change well well and we need to do something to catch up. I know say we fit do am, but whether we go actually do am na another matter.

But, like the person wey done take opium before and we know the sweetness, I know how e dey be when Naija win football competition and I no go mind to ‘high’ myself again. Because now, more than before, we need something to (once in a while) comot our minds from the way our country be. We need something to give us joy, even if na for a short time.

If you say I be addict, I go agree with you. If you say my head no correct, maybe I fit argue small. If you say I need rehab, I no go gree. I no need cure. For our country, this football drug good for us. E dey work magic. So, somebody… anybody… abeg give us the opium!

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

You No From Here

2012-07-20T22:30:00.000+01:00

I be Port Harcourt boy. Wetin I mean be say, dem born me for PH, I grow up for PH and I done live a big part of my life for PH. So, if somebody from anywhere in the world ask me where be my hometown, I go say Port Harcourt. And that answer go tell them where dem born me or where I grow up. E simple like that.

Naija map with the 36 states and FCT

The interesting thing na when Nigerians ask me where be my hometown. I no go fit say PH. Because, according to our own definition of hometown, PH no go be the correct answer. Nigeria say I no be indigene. She say PH no be my hometown because my forefathers no come from there. Dem come from another town for Rivers State. A town where I never spend more than two weeks at one time. I fit count the people wey know me there. When I go there, I dey spend plenty of my time to explain to people which person pikin I be. Na Christmas and New Year and burials dey carry me reach there most times. But officially, na my hometown.

I get cousins wey dem born for Lagos, grow up for Lagos, go school for Lagos and now dey work for Lagos. Their own even bad pass my own, because dem dey reach our hometown like once every five years! But officially Lagos no be their hometown. Dem no be indigenes.

This way of seeing things done result in plenty problems wey we no suppose to get for our country. The first part be say e done turn millions of us to second-class citizens for our country. If you no dey live for your State of Origin, na automatic wahala you get so. In fact, for some parts of our country we done get some bloody wahala dem between aborigines and settlers, even though all of dem na Nigerians. Most of us know the stories. But that na matter for another time.

As I dey so, I no fit contest for Local Government Chairman for Port Harcourt LGA. Most of my friends wey be PH people like me too no fit contest. We no be indigenes. But na there wey everybody know us. Na there people fit say who we be and wetin our character be and if we fit lead well. The funny part be say, I fit contest for Councillorship! I no understand where that rule come from, but na so I see am. Now, I qualify to contest for Chairman for my LGA. But, who know me for there? Think of my Lagos cousins and how their own go be. Their own wahala chop winch!

A few years ago, before Maiduguri become part of Afghanistan, one of my friends wey from Delta State dey live there. For him to collect PTDF Scholarship forms, the guy get to travel to Asaba, because the forms for Maiduguri na for Borno State indigenes alone. I dey sure say na the same thing go done happen to the Bornu people wey dey Delta State.

Some of the people wey I grow up with for PH from the north. Their States no fall into the ‘Catchment Area’ of the University of Port Harcourt. And we know say sometimes the difference between person getting and not getting admission na Catchment Area. Some of dem been get that wahala. So government dey tell us say make e better to go school where we from. If we say we want national integration (wey make we dey do NYSC), why we need Catchment Areas to enter university? Why people no fit go whichever part of the country dem like and get the same opportunities? Now wey fear done enter our body, people no wan go NYSC for some parts of the country again. Dem go like stay for their Catchment Area. Government no gree. Dem dey quote law and constitution for us. The minister wey dey responsible say na ‘sacrifice’. The question na ‘to which juju’? If this no be confusion, abeg tell me wetin confusion be.

Courtesy Mike Asukwo

Work for State Civil Service na another important wahala. For people wey no dey live for their State of Origin e hard to get. For those wey manage get the work too, wahala still dey. Because, Governor fit wake up one day, and tell dem ‘Ghana must go!’ or in this case ‘All other Naija must go!’ Recently, Abia State Government decide say e go good to pursue all the Nigerians wey no from Abia comot for their civil service. On any level wey you look am, e no make any sense at all and you no go wan believe say our law dey allow this kind madness. But na so we see am. I thank God say Him cure their craze before e pass ‘be careful’.

I grow up to hear say in the years after Independence, Igbo men dey legislature for Lagos and Hausa men dey government for Enugu, all because na where dem dey live be that. E hard to imagine now! I get to mention say some state Governors done do well because dem put people wey no from their states for their cabinets. That na something wey we suppose clap for.

But that alone no do. We need more. We need to make am a constitutional matter. The laws need to change so that all of us go equal, no matter where we from and where we dey. We need to get the right to live somewhere and say ‘here na my home’ and nobody go tell us say na lie. We need to move to an era when we get all the rights, priviledges and responsibilities for where we dey live; when Naija person no go be second-class citizen for him country. We need to redefine ‘home’.

If we do that, then we go dey one step closer to that Naija wey we dey dream of.

For me, law or not, I know my hometown. Na Port Harcourt. Where be your own?

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Mama, You For Tell Me

2012-07-17T08:31:00.002+01:00

‘When you finish secondary school and get your school cert, you go go university. After university, you go get government work.’ She tell me.

‘Why government work, Mama?’ I ask her.

‘Because, the work dey steady and you go get pension when you retire. Dem no dey sack people there, no matter wetin dem do. Government fit give you scholarship too, if you sabi book. And when you come back to work you go get promotion.’ She explain.

To my small pikin mind at that time, e no sound like something wey I go like to do. Pension ke? I just dey 10 years old! I go finish school, join oil company, get plenty money, build big house, buy plenty big motor and marry fine woman wey sabi cook okro soup like my grandma!

As I dey grow up dey understand things, I realize say my grandma been dey talk based on how the country been dey when she be young woman. Those days, the civil service na the ultimate job, and civil servants get respect. A lot of brilliant Nigerians been work for the civil service too. Once you finish whatever level of education and you manage enter there, life done set. I done understand all those things now plus more, and I dey vex.

I dey vex because if to say my grandma been explain well all the plenty benefits wey I fit get for civil service, I for pursue the job like Nackson dey pursue woman!

One big thing wey my grandma forget to tell me na say if you be civil servant, you fit even decide not to go work sef. Just wait till month end and go collect your salary. That’s all. For most people wey done do NYSC for some corners of our country, this dey always be the first shock. You go reach there with plenty ginger to work and learn, only to find out say no be so e dey be. During the month, you no dey see anybody for office. Make month end and you go wonder where all the people dey come out from! In fact, anytime I waka reach office then, the welcome I dey get from colleagues na ‘Corper, any problem?’ I no fit understand how I need to get problem before I reach my office! That is dem no dey expect to see me for office unless I dey come do my clearance. All my neighbours been be civil servants and full time students at the same time. You wonder how dem dey manage am. These days, with bank transfer, I no sure if some people go even dey near the office. Which work sweet pass this type?

My grandma been no remember to tell me say if you dey work for government, you fit go work at any time of the day and wahala no dey. Work dey resume at 8am but you fit reach there at 10am and nobody go yarn. For our area, when I dey primary school e been get one woman wey dey work for one of the ministries for Rivers State. Anytime I hear my grandma say ‘Mama Akachi, you dey go work early today o’ then I know say na 9am be that. 4pm sharp, she done return from work! Abeg wetin be civil service closing time?

My grandma also forget to tell me say no matter the position wey you dey for civil service, you fit make money for side through magumagu way. E no matter how bad the name of the ministry dey sound. When you enter there, the people wey already dey there go show you the way. The higher you go, the more money you fit make. In fact, if you come enter somewhere wey you fit control Police Pensions or any other money like that, e mean say your fowl done born cow! The sweetest part be say the government agencies wey suppose dey pursue thief people, no dey look civil servants side. Na just some politicians and people wey thief small money dem dey look for. So, nothing do you. Ehm... just remember say if na police people money you thief, your case fit different o.

She no tell me say if you be teacher, you fit take money from your students and let dem do expo for WAEC. And even if dem no wan do expo, you go frustrate dem. Or if you dey supervise contractors, you go just collect small bribe and remove eye when dem dey do yeye work. Or if you dey Ministry of Finance, you fit dey collect money from pensioners before you process their retirement benefits.

The one wey dey pain me pass na wetin I just find out some days days ago. Say you fit actually leave the civil service for over 10 years and any time e hungry you, you just come back. And when you come back, you go get promotion to the highest civil service post for ministry. E get anywhere wey work better pass this one? Abeg somebody tell me.

As I dey so, I done begin plan how I go take get that government work o. I must try my best. Because, who know wetin fit happen for the future. Even if I leave the work for some time, and my man enter political office, I fit just show back and get mad promotion! So, I go yarn with somebody wey know somebody wey know somebody wey fit know somebody wey know one of the new Permanent Secretaries for Bayelsa State. Dem say she sabi speak my language well. Maybe she fit help…

But, Mama I still no too happy with you o. You for tell me well na.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

No Be All Calabar Girls...

2012-07-13T21:31:00.000+01:00

E dey always dey interesting to see how Nigerians dey react anytime foreigners talk bad about us as a group of people. If dem say dem arrest a Nigerian wey dey try to smuggle drugs into the UK or dupe people for Germany, e no dey really bother you. The worst thing wey you go say na ‘See how our country done bad? Na poverty dey make our people dey go do this kind thing o. God help us.’ Depending on wetin the name of the arrested Nigerian be, you fit add ‘Chei, Igbo men and money!’ or ‘Yoruba people!’ or something else wey involve tribe. Then we move on to another thing.

But if you dey travel outside Naija and when dem see your green passport, dem take you go corner and search craze comot for your body, na different story. You go wan mad! But you no go rake for there o, make strong thing no come happen. You go wait until you comot for airport before you begin holler and the holler dey always be for Queen’s English.

‘Imagine these idiots! Because you see my green passport you think I must be a criminal. This is stereotyping and profiling! It is wrong! How can you think that all Nigerians are bad? How? They even searched me up to my pants! Imagine the rubbish! Am I Abdulmutallab? If not for…’ You go rake belleful and you go repeat the story to your friends and family plenty times.

The thing wey we dey all forget be say no be only oyibo dey stereotype. If leagues dey for stereotyping, we go dey the premier league and we go dey challenge for the title every season. We no dey see any wahala with that ‘fallacy of hasty generalisation’ (as my Philosophy lecturer been call am) until e affect us as individuals. Even the most educated and enlightened among us dey buy some of these yeye stereotypes.

Yes, I sure say you done hear say ‘Calabar girls’ dey very good in bed and in taking care of their men. And if a ‘Calabar girl’ catch your boyfriend or husband, just waka because na the end be that. This stereotype go done start long ago, so I suppose say ‘Calabar girls’ actually mean any females from Akwa Ibom and Cross River states. If this na true, then you go think say anybody wey marry these women go live happily ever after - no broken marriages or infidelity on the part of the husband. Na so e actually be? You know the answer.

Also, all Igbo people like money pass anything. Is that so? So na dem be the only Nigerians wey like money? The rest of us no really send about money abi? How we dey take measure ‘love for money’? The people wey dey spread this kind talk never hear of Father Cyprian Tansi. Na the only Naija man wey the Roman Catholic Church done call ‘Blessed’. That man take vow of poverty and been like God pass everything. Igbo men like that still dey.

Dem say if you go visit somebody for Benue State, the man wey you go visit fit give you him wi… Never mind. I go get back to una on that issue after a thorough personal investigation.

These na just examples of stereotypes wey the whole country know about. Others dey too. Depending on which part of the country you from or live, you also get your local stereotypes and prejudices. Most of us never personally experience these behaviours from people, but we just believe dem, act on dem and spread dem too.

People in South West Naija get their own about Ijebu people and money. I no know if e get any person wey done actually meet all Ijebu people and then conclude say every one of dem dey behave in a particular way for money matter.

I know of a family from Onitsha wey fight tooth and nail so that their son no go marry a girl from Umuahia. Dem say Umuahia women no good. In fact their eyes too open (I no sure wetin that one mean) and dem fit drive man to early grave. Nobody bother to actually know the girl or the girl family. Just knowing say she from Umuahia dey enough. The interesting thing say both families na Igbo. If to say their son been bring Fulani girl, how e for be?

In Rivers State where I grow up, stereotypes plenty. The fact say the state get so many groups of people with different languages and culture no dey help too. The most prominent one na say ‘Kalabari men like women’. The first thing wey dey come to my mind na ‘Ehen, dem for like men? Show me another tribe wey the men prefer men to women.’ Most times the girls wey dey yarn this thing never even date a Kalabari guy before and dem no know anybody wey done date Kalabari guy. But dem just sure say the guys always dey unfaithful. But sometimes na Kalabari girls dey talk am too. Then I dey remind dem of the other stereotype wey be say ‘Kalabari girls too waka and no dey stay for their husband house’. Dem go begin defend demselves instantly and I go begin laugh.

And that na the way I dey take get people to rethink these things. E dey irritate me when I meet somebody wey begin act like say e know everything about me and my character because I tell am where I from. So if a Yoruba girl tell me say PH girls dey wild, I go remind her say dem say Yoruba girls dey very dirty and only sabi cook oily food. If an Edo girl tell me say Igbo girls dey all about the Naira, I go remind her say dem say Edo girls dey all about the Euros. If an Ijaw man tell me say Ikwerre men no dey like do anything other than to sell land, I go remind am say dem say Ijaw men dey siddon for house dey drink kaikai while their wives dey slave to feed dem. When you tell people the bad stereotypes about demselves, then dem go begin reason say if that stereotype no correct, maybe some of the ones dem believe no correct too.

Personally, I believe say we suppose dey judge people as individuals, based on our experience with dem. No be from wetin we done hear about their tribe or wetin we done experience with others from their tribe. We be all different people. Even though we know say some of the stereotypes get tiny truth in dem, we still no fit generalize am to everybody from a tribe. That na big jump. As I been talk for Of Tribe, Politics and Religion, every tribe get he own share of correct and wrong people. E no get a rule wey say because you get pastor for your family, you no fit get ashewo and thief too. So, the presence of thief and ashewo for the family done make the pastor bad person? No need to dey make judgements on people wey you never really know, and maybe spoil a relationship wey for good because you believe something wey no actually dey.

The time to dump these stereotypes and prejudices and move forward na now. Make that change.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Why You No Suppose Marry

2012-07-10T22:20:00.003+01:00

As children, everybody wan grow up fast, become adult and marry. Everybody for him own different reasons. But generally, na about how we see adults dey ‘enjoy’ and how we go like to enjoy like that. Maybe na the extra meat wey you dey see for your papa soup plate or the film wey dem no dey gree you watch after 9 pm or the discovery mama-and-papa play…. Make we leave that one.

Courtesy: www.bikebug.us

When we grow up and become young adults, attitudes dey change small. When we realise say the world no be as we been dey see am. That ‘enjoyment’ wey we been dey look for, dey come with plenty wahala. At some point, everybody done think ‘I wish say I still be small pikin’. Also, attitudes to marriage dey change, especially for guys. Most girls go still want to marry sharply. For the boys, e dey change. Why e dey be like this? I sure say you get you own theories. That na another day yarns.

The question wey I done ask myself and wey some other people done ask too na, why I need to marry sef? I done yarn with a lot of my friends and family over the issue. Most of the reasons no dey really make sense to me. Most times people no even sound like say dem dey sure... Others dey sound like say when dem marry, all the wahala wey dey for life go disappear. For my mind, all of dem their head dey touch. But I sure say for their mind, my own head get problem too!

For this piece, I go talk each of the reasons wey people done give me and then tell you why I think say dem no follow. Some, I actually tell the people straight. Others, I just think and no talk. E no go good for man mama to just tear am slap am at this age….

(a) To be taken care of – Seriously? So as you big reach, you think say you still be baby wey somebody suppose look after eh? Abi you no well? Then you need to go hospital. If you well, then grow up! You fit take care of yourself. You no need to marry for that one.

(b) For financial security – This na mainly from the women and some men wey their own no good. So una dey look for bank or ATM abi? So while he/she dey secure you financially, who go dey secure am? You see your life? Something do your hands and legs? Lazy thing! Go find work do! You no need to marry to dey financially secure.

(c) Society expects it – I hear you. Yes, everybody dey marry and e be like say na wetin dey reign now. Every Saturday you dey wear a different aso-ebi and you done be Chief Bridesmaid or Best Man like 5 times! You no wan carry last. So now e be you like say marriage na Mary Kay abi na Indian Hair? Those things dey comot for fashion, you know…. Afterall, Indian done move to Brazilian/Peruvian and nobody dey really hear as much about Mary Kay again as we been dey hear. Marriage no be fashion and if na because of society and wetin e be like say everybody dey do, then you no need to marry.

(d) To settle down and be responsible – This na one of the yeye reasons. You be dirty water? Why you wan settle? So, for your mind, when you talk ‘I do’ you go change from irresponsible person to responsible one eh? We go forget say you dey thief like nkapi rat, talk lie for no reason, your legs no dey enter house, smoke anything wey you fit wrap inside paper and drink anything wey fit enter cup, abi? Na lie. Bad man na bad man. Same for bad woman. True true you need to change. But no be ‘I do’ go change you. Forget am.

(e) For respect – Really? So if dem no dey respect you now, dem go respect you when you marry eh? You done ask yourself why dem no dey respect you now? If you do, you go find out say maybe you never do anything wey go give you respect. Marriage no be really one of those things o. You need to earn that respect.

(f) Family wants it – Yes I know. But you and me know say no be today you begin dey do things wey your family no want you to do. Yes, your mama no like the cigar wey you dey smoke but you still dey smoke. Your papa no wan take eye see those bum shorts but anytime he no dey, you still dey wear am. So when e suit you, you dey bone family and do wetin you wan do. No need to use family as excuse. Dem never kill you yet for your rebellion. Dem no go start now.

(g) Parents want grandchildren – Is that so? Grandpikin sweet like that na him dem no born dem by demselves? Abeg move! Life na really your own and not their own.

Courtesy: Funny Marriage Comics

(h) For children and for your ‘name’ to continue when you are gone – Children eh? I dey laugh you. Dem need to flog your Integrated Science teacher, if wetin him teach you na say pikin dey come as a result of marriage. If na only for pikin, then you no need to marry. For pikin alone, refer to that Integrated Science book wey you no been gree read that time. As for carrying your name, I no think say na children you need. You done hear of Herbert Macaulay? Albert Einstein? Diego Maradona? You know about their children? In short who care whether dem get children or dem no get? If you no do wetin you suppose do, so the world go remember you, no be children go help you.

(i) For companionship – So when people no marry, dem dey lonely abi? Na wetin you dey try talk? So from your childhood till now you dey lonely. Sorry, you hear? And when you marry, all that loneliness go disappear? What about the people wey dey come spend every weekend for your place, cook and clean and arrange you well? You, what about that place you dey go like 3 days every week, while you tell your people say na your youth group meeting? You, no lonely now. You get enough companionship. Also, you fit live with anybody wey you want. People dey do am all the time. In fact, after some time, when people come the house to come look for your woman dem go say ‘Oga, abeg I dey look for your wife?’ Na exactly the same companionship without ceremony. You no need to marry for that one.

(j) It’s the Godly thing to do – Yes we be religious people. I know say you dey go mosque well on Fridays or church on Sundays. But all that religion no prevent you from all the plenty plenty sins you done dey commit. In fact, if you just die now, you done go hell straight! You no dey really do wetin you suppose do, as e concern your religion. You know say na true yarns be that. So, na when e reach marriage you wan form good Christian or good Muslim eh? Ok, na because of the pastor eh? So that the thing wey you dey hide dey chop no go come out for open now. Hypocrite! Bone that thing. Just dey freestyle dey go. E no go make any difference. Whether you hide dey chop something or you do am or open, na the same hell you dey go. Exactly, the same hell. Marriage for church or mosque no go save you from that hell.

If I remember any other excuse wey dem give me I go let you know. But I believe say these ones and my argument dey make enough sense. E make sense to you too, I sure. If that girl begin worry you, just tell her wetin I done tell you so. If she begin do anyhow, just…. Hold on, somebody dey knock for my door. Ah, my mum.

‘Jonas! Jonas! Jonas! How many times I call you? The thing wey I discuss with you, you been think say I dey joke? I done dey old and I need to take care of my grandchildren before I dey too weak to carry dem. You no want make I see…’

‘Mummy, na before the end of the year. I dey plan for una to go see her people next…’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

One For The Price Of Three

2012-07-06T19:46:00.001+01:00

‘Oya tell me.’ One of the girls for my back whisper.

‘My colours go be green and gold for the main trad. For the engagement I never know yet. I done already see the dress I wan wear go the court for that bridal mag wey you give me. For the church, I done tell John make we order our things from London.’ The other girl answer her.

I turn look dem with strong face. Na church we dey and pastor dey pray, na him these girls siddon for my back dey yarn rust!

‘Thank God say Him be God and not Egbemudede. Thunder for done fire una now!’ I no talk am o. I just think am. But e be like say dem hear am, because dem no talk again.

Actually, my vex no be just because dem dey disturb. Na the gist wey dem dey gist dey vex me. I no know John o, but I done dey pity am already. John done enter ‘one chance’! The sad thing be say, no be only John get that problem. Na our society problem.

See how many ceremonies the girl dey count. Person wey no know go think say na three different women dem wan marry! No be say I get wahala with plenty ceremony o. Wahala no dey, provided na for television I dey watch am! Gimme Prince William and Kate Middleton any day on BBC World and I no go yarn at all!

Seriously sha, for a man to ‘fully’ marry a woman for Naija now, e mean say e done marry her like three times! Dem go do traditional, court and church/mosque and dem go invite a million people. For a couple wey no get money full everywhere, to marry now na WAEC. And if dem do only two out of the three, once in a while, dem go dey get questions like ‘When is the white wedding?’

When I hear those kind questions, I dey reply ‘Una dey craze! Na black wedding dem been do before?’ As usual, I no dey talk am out. I dey just think am.

Friends and family dey also feel the heat, because of aso-ebi and ‘Committee of Friends’. Some go miss the wedding instead of dem not to wear the correct ‘colours’ go the wedding. And dem no dey be normal colours like yellow or blue o. Dem dey always sound like something wey person fit lick. Wetin be lilac and mauve? No be sweets be that?

For we society where people like to show off and prove say dem pass their neighbour, things done pass be careful. E dey put young people and families under pressure to spend money wey dem no suppose spend. Some dey spend everything dem get. Others dey even borrow. For what? To marry the same person three times and invite the whole world?

E done reach time wey we suppose begin use some common sense for this issue. Nothing stop us from finding correct ways to merge our ceremonies and remove things wey we no need. We need to know say to marry one person plenty times and blow cash no dey guarantee successful marriage. Also, the wedding ceremony no be investment and e no dey bring ‘profit’. Na new life just dey start. And for this new life, couples go still need to chop, pay bills and take care of many other responsibilities.

Somebody just ask me now ‘Do you really think we can change?’

I answer am ‘I do.’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

Of Tribe, Religion & Politics

2012-07-03T00:04:00.003+01:00

Generally, most people fit try make sensible arguments about most of the things wey dem dey do. Even if you no agree with dem, you no go fit talk say dem head no correct. When the issue enter politics and religion sha, e dey change o. Politics and religion na topics wey dey make even those people wey sharp well well begin to craze. For Naija you fit add ‘tribe’ and to that list.

Before the General Elections of 2011, I been dey yarn with some family and friends about the presidential race. Wetin shock me be say, these people wey I dey yarn with so, na people wey you go consider smart in every area. Dem go school, dem done see things, dem dey successful and dem fit contribute well to any discussion. But in this issue of politics, dem no dey make any sense. I ask somebody who e go vote? E say na Jonathan. I ask am why. E say na because the man na one of us (na Niger Deltan).

‘E done reach time wey we suppose rule o. E done too much for the Northerners sef. Abi na only dem dey?’ E tell me.

I look am and I smile. ‘So na just for that reason?’ I ask am.

‘Yes, na our time. Make Christian rule too.’ E answer.

We argue plenty after that, until e vex say ‘Carry your oyibo ideas comot here abeg!’

But before e vex, I tell am three things.

(a) We know say most of us no dey see steady light for this country at all. If today, you begin receive steady light for Port Harcourt, you go test the light to see whether na Hausa or Yoruba light? You go reject the light because na Hausa man be president? Or if dem finally construct road come reach your house for village, you go say you no fit use the road because no be Ikwerre man construct am?

(b) Wetin be the benefit wey we dey get if somebody from our part of the country become president? Afterall, our state governors from ‘our part’ of the country. Ibori no be Delta man? How far? Corruption no get tribe or religion. E dey everywhere. Just as Southern Christian politicians dey thief, na so Northern Muslim ones dey thief too. But the more important thing be say just as every part dey produce thieves na so dem dey produce excellent Nigerians too. Why we no go forget where people come from or wetin dem dey worship and look whether dem fit do the work?

(c) Our people say ‘Na from mess smell you go know shit smell’. Jonathan done be Deputy Governor, Governor, Vice President, Acting President and President. And honestly, I no really see wetin e done do for all these positions. And e never even promise us anything apart from fresh air. For my mind, that na smelling mess. So why you think say him shit go be perfume?

Courtesy: genealogyreligion.net

After over one year of Jonathan, e dey clear say wetin I been dey talk that time no be ‘oyibo idea’ as dem been accuse me. The suffer wey we dey suffer now no dey discriminate between tribes or religion.

All over the country now petrol na at least N97 per litre. For some places e pass that amount. Both for Northern Nigeria and the Niger Delta, our pockets dey cry out. E dey cost more now whether na church or mosque or babalawo house you wan drive go.

Light still no dey o, but our light bill done go up sharply. That increase of light bill na for every Naija person wey dey use light. Somehow, our wonderful government done get something wey go tell dem who get money and who no get. That way NEPA (or PHCN) go bill people wey get money more. Somebody been tell me quietly say dem dey advertise for dibias. Ehm… no talk say na me tell you about the dibia dem o. I go deny you!

And we go soon begin chop cassava bread, by the way. I no know how e go dey, but any day wey I chop bread and e smell like fufu…

Try remember say people wey dey make us suffer like this from every part of Naija and dem dey worship anything dem like. Christians dey, muslims dey and jazz men dey too. Their religion no help us one way or another. The suffer no be Christian or Muslim type of suffer. Na Naija suffer!

Normally, I suppose believe say when the time come to do something about our present problems, we go do the correct thing o. Like every ‘good’ Naija man, I dey ‘pray’ say e go be like that too. But as I done learn, with ‘smart’ Naija people person no dey know dey know finish….

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

You Must Dub

2012-06-29T23:52:00.000+01:00

I dey vex. Yes, I dey vex. Yes, no remind me say no be only me dey vex. You sef fit dey vex right now too. E fit be say your laptop computer or your phone dey about to off now as you never charge am because of NEPA (or PHCN if you believe wetin dem dey tell us). E fit just be say you just see lipstick stain for him shirt and him dey rake say ‘something no fit stain man shirt again?’ Or e fit just be say… Over-yarning! Wetin I dey talk be say you sef fit dey vex like me for something wey dey happen for your life or our country

Wetin dey make me vex now na exams. Last time I talk about exams and some kind things wey I done experience wey dey make me laugh anytime I remember them. True true, exam wayo and expo na bad things, but sometimes the way these bad things dey happen and dem dey make us laugh. But that na sometimes. In fact, na few times. Most of the time e dey just make belle turn person (that is if no be you carry the bullet or dey do the dubbing). Right now my belle dey turn me.

No need for this!

Somebody close to me dey write the May/June NECO O’ Level Exams. She ask for money the other day to go exam and I shake my head as I dey look her.

‘I think say you done already pay exam fee. Wetin you wan carry N1500 do?’ I ask.

She say ‘If we no pay N1500, dem no go even let us enter the hall o!’

I open eye, mouth and nose dey look her. ‘How?!’

‘The other day wey we write Biology Practicals, na wetin happen. Na my friend borrow me the money I use pay. And dem say when e reach Maths and English, the price go go up.’ She dey explain.

‘You sure say no be for expo?’ I reply.

‘Dem say with that one, we fit do anything wey we like. So even if you no wan copy sef, you must pay the money or dem go frustrate you.’

I wan mad! I no fit understand wetin I dey hear. I know say exam malpractice done come to stay for our system. At every level e be like say to copy or bring somebody to write exam for another person done turn to normal thing. E no dey like say anybody get problem with am. Nobody dey really complain about am. But I no know say we done reach that level where we dey insist say people must copy whether dem like am or not… or dem must pay to copy whether dem wan copy or not. So this girl wey wan write her exam, the way exam suppose dey, must pay money now or she go fail.

I ask her about their teachers and she tell me say na dem and the External Supervisor dey do the thing. Principal nko? She dey come inside the hall sometimes, look the area and see say the dubbing dey go on fine. Then she go waka! Principal too!


This na the very way!

When I write my English paper for WAEC, I remember wetin happen between principal and one of my classmates wey hide Key Points inside pant enter hall. I no know whether e wan copy essay or comprehension from the Key Points o. That our principal, no be normal cane e dey carry o. Na small bamboo stick e dey carry. E carry that thing for many years and e no break! When e catch the boy with the Key Points ehn, e just wrestle the boy comot for him sit, bring out the bamboo, begin tidy the boy one hand! As e dey whip am, the boy dey shout ‘Sir please sir! Sir please sir!’ By the time e finish with the boy, to siddon write the exam sef na wahala. The boy look like say e wrestle with Amalinze the Cat! I know say the guy been dey talk say na because of the flogging e no pass English, but that na fat lie. With the kind English wey e take dey beg as principal dey light am up sef, hope no dey! The point be say e no possible for person to copy when teachers dey sef not to talk of principal.

So now we get problem wey get different parts. We dey tell our young people say all you need for this country na to pay the right amount of money and you go get anything you want. We dey tell the children of poor people (wey their parents done struggle to pay exam fee) say dem no fit pass unless dem go thief. We dey produce secondary school leavers wey no know dem left from dem right. Then dem go use magumagu enter university and dem go continue to dey pay until dem graduate. Which kind graduates wey dey expect then? The type wey dey ask ‘Abeg where I go turn?’ when dem hear command of ‘Left turn!’

We human beings go always try to cheat the system and get everything wey dem fit get from am without punishment. But we expect say the system go dey make attempt to prevent people from succeeding. But in our own e dey like say the system dey actually make sure say people wey no wan cheat sef dey cheat! Only for Naija…

Also, make we no forget say this examination malpractice thing na criminal offence o. Actually, according to our law, person fit go prison for 21 years if dem catch am dey do this kind thing. Ehm… we still dey wait for the first person wey go go that prison sha.

Seriously sha, we need to do something. We no go fit continue like this and expect say our country go better. Personally, I get plans. This man wey wan chop N1500… Hmmm… I sure say e no dey read newspaper. Because if e dey read newspaper e go done read about Farouk Lawan, Femi Odetola, Bribe Money and Sting Operations….

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter