You.Me.Them

Choices

2012-08-22T18:38:00.000+05:30

There are many circumstances in life. Some you get to choose and, some choose you. When you have a chance to choose, you make a clear, up down decision but what happens if the decision that you made was not as good as your choices that life had made plans of?

I chose something in life... I let it be immaterial, as long as it goes well everything is. The moment there is a friction, things start to tumble down to plain sand. Why?

Many times, I presume mankind cannot make a hundred percent decision. I on the other hand consider myself a fifty percent chance. Give or take am always at a fifty percent that things will not work out or rather will.

This I learn from some in life who have made me wait, until they are satisfied with the period, until they are safe from their decision. While I wait like a piece of potato that is to be washed and cleaned and ready to be cooked, like it can it at moment now.

And after the wait whatever the time period is.. I have started questioning about my decision, probably it was too soon., I was too blind. Yes, it happens for all people with eyesight!! It am as clueless as you.. I am at a fifty percent chance now.. Still hoping deep down in my heart, I made the right one. Time waits for none. Instead of waiting, let's get down to business..

If it will happen, it will happen even after the twenty one nights of crying or this will just be the healing time to get on whatever choices life has made for me.

Amen!

When i need you...

2012-08-13T20:24:00.000+05:30

Time changes many aspects of life....

Your mind... Your goal...your thoughts... And ultimately the person you want to be and the people you want to be with.

My mind is the weakest on the day when I think "it will pass". I try to think that it will be over before I know it. Most of the times, it’s always one of the hardest days to pass. I think of ways that I could have changed but all I have in my mind is thinking "I don’t want this to repeat, not in mine, not others". Even when I have lost someone, a friend because of my dumb reactions, I wait. I wait until things will come back to normal.

The time I wait becomes the toughest, even climbing the "Himalayas" could be easier because I know I have to wait for forgiveness, I have to wait for circumstances to come back to what it once was and then it gets me thinking... "What if I can't be the same person after all?" "Will the wait change the person I am?" The truth I think is, it will. It will change many things between us. I am scared of this now.

Well let’s think...If everything goes well between us, the fear of a situation to occur again will always be in my head, I do not know of my friend’s. The fear of going back to the insecure feeling will come back to me. I will now become dependent on this person because I try to give as much a space and try to work things out between us all the time. So, ultimately I will be submissive the whole time because of this fear.

Another thought... If it doesn’t go well, I will probably crib for a few months. I would even think of ways my friend could have come for me if I really meant that much but again here, I would be waiting with a tiny bit luck to see if I really meant to be someone’s lucky one. I will yet be confused to decide.

My mind is the one that is thinking practically and asking me to let go of the thoughts because if I was so meaningful in someone's life, the other person would also try as hard as I think I did.

My heart says you waited this long, wait a little longer so that you can decide if it was worth the wait or take this as an experience.

Many circumstances life brings us, some I bring myself to...Time at the moment seems to be my only answer (to the heart) and trying as hard as I can (to my mind).

If you could just talk to me now, I only hope life would still be a little better to me regardless of what it has to be.

Signing off yet again clueless to a life I don’t know is meant to be mine.

Let it get on..

2012-07-05T16:42:00.001+05:30

The cool air, the dampness in the clouds above,
Nature speaks its way through my ears.
All the green, makes me wonder if i am dreaming,
The sky showing all its love with the greys and blues.

I feel the calmness in my mind while i look around,
the green and the white falling all over.
I did not mind if my mobile was working,
Nature took me to a place so pleasant.

Enjoying your life - i learnt in a marriage,
not mine but hers, a friend dear to my heart.
One does not need computers to get on with life,
but a beautiful place called "Coorg"

The abstract

2012-06-29T20:52:00.005+05:30

Let it ring while we come together :D

2012-06-27T15:07:00.003+05:30

Dreams, they speak millions of scenes. When we wake up, there are very few we remember. Some dream with their eyes closed at night; some wait for the dawn so that they can dawn through the dream with their eyes open :)

I have a dream... a dream about any average woman would have, the day when she will have a man to herself. Dominate him, fight with him, and hug him when I am wrong. Many things I imagine to be my life after I promise my life, my relatives, and my family "I do".

It’s a normal day... after months of persuading to marry... After the million fights... I receive a call from him... "My mother just asked me if I will ever get married" wondering if he is serious, I laugh through it and he says "I am serious, when do you want to get married... Mother tells me that January is a good time". I am dumb stuck... wondering yet again if he is really serious or if I am dumb enough to believe it.

I simply say "You could talk to my mother about it". He says "Okay then, I will call you in a little bit". After half hour, my mother rushes to me with almost tears in her eyes and she says "they want to have the marriage on January" I think, "He really was serious, after all".

Well it’s a shocker for reasons because there were many days I have persuaded him about marriage and he had his own reasons for denying or better delaying. After a while, I quit talking about it because it didn't make any sense to me. There have been many nights or even days when I thought if he will ever marry me or will everyone in my family be hail and healthy on the very day.

Now, I am surprised, I call him again saying "Are you really serious?" hoping it really should be. He simply says "You think I would be kidding when I just spoke to your mother?" I am blushing now. He goes on telling me the dates and the venues that they are considering while I am still in the electric shock.

A girl's dream is shopping and one cannot ask for a better time than marriage to shop for her life because that’s when no one would notice. :)

I dream yet again like in inception, I remember all the ideas we had for our marriage. No reception but our family and friends gathering at a decent hotel, a dance show by anyone in the family. We wanted all of them to enjoy their day at our marriage. At least, we wanted to feel special on that day from watching our family and friends going through the enjoyment. There would be a marriage with close relatives and friends, like always but the reception had to be some kind of a gathering because that is when we will meet most of our non-existing relatives. It will be catching up time.

Waking up to reality, I call him again, talk to him about the plans we made. He agrees to almost everything. I keep wondering "what the hell, did he just say yes to everything I told?"

Suddenly I could hear my phone ringing but wasn’t I just talking on one.

I didn’t want this to be a dream. I wanted this to be the moment when I wake up on my special day.

Happy dreaming :)

I still love you....(Continued)

2012-06-07T18:21:00.000+05:30

I close my eyes to sleep thinking about him all the time. I smile and think again "Am I wrong"? I have never felt anything like this before. Suddenly, I feel the words he said "I love you" and I had goose-bumps instantly. I make up my mind, this is it. I have waited for a long time to find someone who loved me for who I am and I found him. What I also found is his family and children, is it possible to wash away the thought of his family?

I keep thinking with my eyes closed. Imagining how it would feel if we were together now, I would probably break down crying my love to him, holding me close to his heart. I could imagine all of this like it was real. Is it wrong to love someone when you are already committed?

With the smile still on my face, I snuggle up and sleep in the bed which I never found comforting but now, with all the love in his heart.

Next day, I woke up and now there are no thoughts in my head. I am starting to feel a grip of my life now... like never before. When I reach college, I planned to ask my friends about this probably play it like a person I knew of.

All of my friends said whatever the girl is doing was totally wrong. I heard words like "How can a man love two women all that the same time?” I said "He doesn’t love his wife". They all said in chorus "why is he still married?" and with that I went from being happy to a complete blank screen.

I was now thinking who could give me a "Yes" to this. I tried telling my cousins but all they said was "why is he still married?” Now I am thinking if should even let others decide my life... I said to myself looking straight at the mirror, "I love him".

Days passed, we went to coffee shops, and we were talking and texting on the phone. It was the most memorable time of my life. My mother was clearly suspicious that something was wrong with me, in her own ways. She questioned me about college a lot more than usual, about places I had been to, about people I am meeting with. To make things worse, my mother called me almost every hour checking where I was; even during college hours, she called me exactly at the end of a session. I coped with this because there is something I cannot tell her so, I tried my best to keep her informed and understood her anxiousness.

One Sunday, while I was sitting by the pool in the house, my father walks up to me asking "there is something I want to talk to you". I was able to imagine my just-about-to-puke-face. I stood up and yes "Yes papa, what is it". If someone checked my pulse at that time, it could have been beating twice as faster. My mother was sitting in the couch looking at what looked like photographs. I was going hell crazy deep inside.

My mother hands me some photographs, trust me, I was very anxious to see what was in it. The moment I saw it though, I smiled. They were photographs of some men. So with the evil grin, I continued looking at my mother with at most innocence. She looked at me and said "Will you choose one of these men as your husband". Now, I am back to twice as faster heart beats.

I explained to them saying, "I am not interested", "I am too young", "I haven’t finished college yet" but none of this absolutely seemed to work. So, I finally said "Okay, give me sometime".

I ran to my room, picked up my mobile, called him, he didn’t pick up the call for at least 15 minutes in which I tried for at least 10,000 times. Finally, he picked up and I started screaming "Why didn’t you pick up my call?" "What is so important than me" "Do you even know what is happening". I didn’t hear anything for the next five minutes and then finally, "What happened?"

I told him all that happened and he said only these words at the end "What are you waiting for?".

I didn’t know if I heard it right, I asked him again, this time, it felt even worse. I didn’t know what else to reply, I said "Good bye".

I was alone in my room now thinking if I had a made a mistake. I was washed away with the love at first sight. I was up all night thinking. He called only a zillion times and I didn’t pick up. I told myself that I didn’t need another person to decide my life and I am still at the same spot. I called him finally at about six in the morning, he picked my call "What the hell happened?" and I said "Let this go, I am not some person you can just have an affair with". He said with a yawn "I never said that". I was making faces over the phone now. He immediately said "Don’t make that face" and I desperately looked around to find him.

He said "I am not there with you now but can you practically think how you can remain unmarried", "How will you convince your parents?" and I simply replied "Leave your wife and come to me, I am ready"

To be continued....(yet again)

Not you but the figure

2012-05-17T16:54:00.002+05:30

When you live in a country like India, thinking is not a very easy task. Trust when a girl says this. Men like in movies don't stop thinking either, only they ignore. No one here lives for themselves, it’s for others. Questions like "What would the neighbors think?" is a very casual thought. So, when one has to decide, it has to be after considering the family and don't forget "the neighbors", even if there are about 50 houses in the lane you live.

Its part of the culture, only a foreigner would think of it as weird but when you are a "true" Indian, it would be surprising if you didn't think like that. Unfortunately, I am in a condition where i don't want to think about others because the saying goes "when you laugh, the world laughs with you but in sorrow, you are the only person crying". Here, life has to move on, that's the thought. You cannot be stuck at sorrow because again, life is meant to be happy with a little bitterness not the other way, right?

So a family in India includes, your mother, father, son/daughter, your neighbors (in which every angle they live from your house). You have to know what is happening in the neighbors' place because we are true to be Indians. It doesn't matter if a million things are wrong in your own (house); skipping information of the neighbors is a big, bad, mistake. Even though it may sound funny to you when you read this, it takes your life away when one is at this spot. Again, if one of the family members is missing, example like a mother passed away a few years; the "family" is always concerned to know how one managed to be at that state. "How they got the girls to grow up so responsibly?" "How did the father not re-marry?" or worse, "He remarried, he couldn’t wait!”

Well these thoughts generally sound funny but when you are living through this, there is nothing you can do about it. Even worse, if you are the only person thinking why does the "family" care about us when they have their own to worry about. The equation could sound tougher than Einstein's.

Live and let live is never the motto. Watch, listen and learn has a whole different meaning here. Now, your choices fall between either to mind one's business and let them talk or decide after considering the "family". When you are stuck between these thinkers, life is never one's own business.

In order to have a perfect normal life here, every element of a defined family has to exist. You bitch through others life to make yours look better. I am missing an element here, not the person only the name and existence.
A father.

When the meaning is lost!

2012-05-02T20:32:00.001+05:30

Life is a “vicious” cycle. There will be no end until you end. After 30 yrs, I am a long way to find my purpose. In the young mind, I already want to know why. Why all the hustle? Why all the trouble? Why all the greed for more money and power? I am probably in a confused state to define any of the above.

I want to know why I am born, why the changes in my life have made me think if this is worthy to prove as any purpose. Do many think that about the purpose of life? I do not have many challenges in life because when my life is smooth, I tend to keep it like that.

Why look for new challenges and create a mess in the already messed up life?

These days, I just want to be in solitude, left in my thoughts. A perfect situation while I sit by the shore wondering what I am doing. I need a break from many things that are happening in my life and others that I pressure to happen. Either way, I just want it all to stop. I want to calm down, shout out loud, scream to my life that it has to end and give me a reason.

Yesterday was one such evening that I was standing in front of an almost farm and achieved “being calm”. It was nice. The feeling when you do not want to think about your life for those few minutes which lasted to twenty. I was thinking about the clouds, the grass, the farm, so green that life didn’t mean anything to me anymore.

I do not know if it is normal to have tears while I am writing this. I still remain as a clueless human being, wondering what makes out of life. Why the struggle through the end? I remain puzzled at reactions, greed and the power that every claims to wait for, to kill for. We remain immortals even after a million years but the greed is for the years we live through. Why?

The average age of a person comes to 50 these days in my country. Why?

Work for money, live for money and spend some on yourself and others you love. Why?

Perception could be an easy answer to this question but no. That is not the perfect answer. No matter which angle you look into your own life, greed exists. Even in the tinniest matter like not letting another person to take the last item in the store because you are important, your family is important. We carry great pride in telling that you struggled to get the last item in the store after an argument. Why?

Learn from others mistake is not easy because the moment it implies in your life, it gives a whole new angle. Things you always did look different now. I have implied it and now I am in a fix. I am looking for a meaning why we live, why we exist, why there is no other option than to live in the life that is given to you but with a choice to make it better. I want to know what choice I have to make to find the purpose. I sit alone once again in thoughts too deep to make waves. In a mind lost only in thoughts of my actions, others’ life and their mistakes.

The finish line

2012-03-15T16:25:00.002+05:30

The strange feeling in life when you think you could do something that you never thought of or never wanted to do.

My life seeks the end; I do not want to travel through the tunnel to see the light. I want to see the light already, there is sometimes (many times) easy way to situations. No circumstance is difficult only you make the wrong choice when the opportunity came your way.

Some give up on life for not getting what they wanted; there are some who give up because they have all they wanted, they miss the challenges in life. They lose themselves in a life so high suddenly it won’t make sense. The reason - confusion. There are some though who give up for others because the situation is too tough for them to handle along with their loved ones. When they know failure is to show its face, the easy choice - give up.

It’s sensitive to think of the third kind I mentioned. They become liberal when the burden over their shoulder dies which doesn’t mean they could kill but to give up oneself. These are emotional people who cannot see their loved ones go through pain. They cannot let their loved one suffer for a decision made. It’s a difficult spot I should say. I cannot exactly tell that this would mean getting an easy way out, only the purpose becomes "others", "loved ones".

Life is full of surprises they say but what if one of them becomes a little unlucky when showing up? What happens when you have done something can cause the entire chain than just you? In the modern world, nothing is wrong, every wrong can be undone. Hear it from reality, even if the wrongs can be made right, will your world react to you the way it used to? Will they judge you now for your life?

The guilt - heart can ruin all your plans. One says, listen to the mind for it doesn’t talk to you emotionally but when your thought includes another person, the heart takes its own course. I have been thinking with my brain turned inside-out.

I want to give up. Many times, I think how the world will be without me. A few calls, sorry (s) messages, a few updates after all this, the missing person won’t be remembered anymore. Maybe a few conversations can reflect the missing component but otherwise, it’s gone. The human race can adapt which is the biggest advantage and disadvantage.

If love leaves, they think, yearn, and cry. Only after a few weeks, months, years, life has to "move-on". It is practical. When I am gone unless I return a ghost, life has to move on. Probably I will be moving on accepting that I chose to give up and I did.

I settle down looking at a nail polish bottle, the color so bright. I loved it. Some things do not have to change. I close my eyes so tight and gulp the liquid. I open my eyes, I don’t feel any different. I was still alive. I clean the place, probably thinking it was not my turn to go. I close my eyes, go to a sleep wishing that there will be no tomorrow.

I close my eyes, thinking. How it will be tomorrow when I will not wake up to the alarm that always shocks me in the morning. How I will miss looking at my family while sitting in between them. How I will miss what I had planned to do with my life before the shot. It is emotional, I try to sleep. Trying to relax my body.

I wake up in the middle of the night. I wonder if it was a dream, my heart beating so fast. I decided the liquid is not harmful after all. I take a glass of water. Calm myself. I go back to the bed crying. What have I done? What if I won’t wake up after all?

Bright lights hurt my eyes. I shouldn’t have given up I tell over and over again. I can’t see clearly. I feel very light suddenly. I am standing against the wall. I could see all my friends around me, my family crying. I lie there stern faced.

My father standing in front of me, says “You shouldn’t have”

I shouldn’t have I tell myself again.

What you want IS NOT what you get!

2012-03-12T16:22:00.000+05:30

Why do I want what I want?

Many say, think of the world, when you plant a life
Some say, why you think of an animal that is bound to leave.

Why do I want what I see?
Green, many say is the colour of happiness; they share one seed at a time.
Some say, the joy is gone when you are.

Why do I want what I hear?
The world thinks they are right. Some say, don’t listen to the devil.
From others I hear, a good soul, a good deed shoves away the evil.

Why do I want what I touch?
A flower blooms to show its beauty; wear it on the shoulder, their mind cries.
A life – leave it alone for you are the selfish mankind, I say.

You lost, we lost

2012-02-20T13:58:00.000+05:30

It’s been a year since love came into my life. She is most precious stone I found, my angel. I want to keep her. I try my best to plan something for her. Her plans though, are very different from mine. She talks about how she feels when we are gone, how she lost her loved one when she was young. I listened to her only I was angry. She will never understand.

I tried to tell her many times, "it is for us, we need to have a nice life". She says "Let me be part of both ups and downs". Sometimes, I think we are so cross. She doesn’t think of her future, she thinks only of her family. With a loved one gone, I understand how difficult her life would be but what should I do about it? Get married even when I think I have to "settle" down or get married and blame her for the life I didn’t want?

Too much to ask, hey?

I met him at my friends, I didn’t think he was cute neither was I interested. We exchanged phone numbers. I was too naive to understand why. We texted for a few weeks, he said he liked me. I was blank because I didn’t feel anything like that; I denied telling "I am not ready to decide". We didn’t stop speaking; we spoke the longest that day.

Months went away, I still wasn’t feeling numb for love, I agreed. Sometimes, my intuition says "Do it" but many times, I don’t. I am scared. I have been hurt before, I don’t want to go through that path again... When I agreed, I spoke to my mother. The next question "Marriage?” I spoke many times of this topic that I was wondering if he is even interested. Many times, he agreed but after only six months, the life plan flipped a whole 360 degrees.

I was so scared, if he was going to post pone our plan. I was scared. I was scared if I am going to grow mother’s worries. I was scared if I lost it again that I should have not agreed. Tiring thoughts, after many arguments, I let go. "It’s what you have decided" I said.

Life and love relate to mother, brother, sister, father and spouse.

Relationship means going through life together even if it means you have lost everything.

Family means more than money because my motto "Money comes with an effort, people? They just leave"

Together at any situation means talking, sharing, loving, comforting.

Marriage means I love you, loved you and always will love you. No matter how hard it gets.

I believe in you

2012-02-08T13:50:00.000+05:30

I always thought "your life is your consequence" which means your decision (right or wrong) is what you live (your life). While I am trying to clear my head over matters that I never planned or wasn't ready to face, I believe in you.

When the child crossing the road hit by a truck is still alive, I would have debated that he was probably not hit in the vital organs, blah, and blah, blah. Now, I say it’s his "destiny", he is not meant to die. The purpose of his life is not fulfilled.

My friends tried to convince me that life happens because it’s destiny. I argued its always ones' decision that makes life. If I argue now, I would say (now) partly for destiny and decisions.

The example, when you pass in exams - you determine to pass or fail. You know that life will not be any better if the high scores reflected on the mark sheets. That's a decision, isn't it?

Another one, when a family went to Indore (a place in India) for a picnic by the river, only one of the family members survived. There was a flood, only seconds before the family entered the river, it was the calmest site one can feel. Minutes later, a high wave/flood washes all of them but one. True destiny. There was no struggling moment while the rest washed away, one stayed unharmed.

The trivia: Its life. Imagine all your thoughts to have a perfect life, at least close to perfect. What happens when it doesn't go even close to normal? Do you change? Do you wait for destiny (time)?

Sometimes, it’s what you want but mostly it’s what you get. Live life like there will be no tomorrow. You know what destiny brings you when happiness fills the space. Fear none; stay up ahead because it’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Happy destiny-ing!!

I still love you....

2012-02-02T19:10:00.001+05:30

How I fell in love!?

I still have a vague idea how this started, it was a wrong message I received. Like a child who found her chocolate, I was texting all day and all night. It was nice, the feeling. When he asked me, "How are you?", "How are you feeling?" after I caught cold. It was pleasant, I kept looking at my phone to see if he texted.

Something was stopping me though; I was never the first to start a conversation. Though I am still not sure why, I moved that thought out of my mind to float in love, I am not sure if I had already fallen for him.

Days went by, I saw his name blinking on my phone, and he was calling me. I panicked. I didn’t know if I could pick up the call. When I did after several seconds, I heard his voice for the first time saying "Hello", my heart sank. I was so dumbstruck that I didn’t respond for more than a minute, I was imagining a latest song tune.

Finally, I responded, "hello".

With the start, we spoke on the phone for hours; I slept hugging my phone as if it was him. I was imagining how he would look. I was able to say that he could be a little older than I was, for he spoke with so much care. I listened to him, wishing the day would never end.

After a few talks, we were talking about what I was wearing and what he should be wearing. We were so much in love that neither of us thought, “What?” It was love at first text message. I suddenly asked him, "can we meet?" and I my heartbeat was crossing 200, he quietly said "Of course, dear".

I was going to meet him. My heart pounded that I hardly slept the previous night. We agreed to meet at a famous coffee shop wearing white for identification. When I reached the coffee shop, my eyes were searching, so fast that I wished I had another pair. Suddenly, I heard someone by my ears saying "hi", I could feel his breathe.

I walked away a little bit to see him, the man who has mesmerized me all this while. He was stunning with black glares, a beard I always imagined. I looked at him with wide eyes and he showed me the way up to the coffee shop.

I was running through the menu at least for the millionth time and decided I would speak but when I looked at him, his eyes, I looked down back at the menu card. He asked me what I wanted to have, I ordered for a coffee and this time, the waiter took the menu. I ended up looking at him, while he was busy looking into his phone. My hands were shivering; I was only praying that he shouldn’t notice, he said "What happened?” I said, "Nothing". Thankfully, there was a television; I pulled myself towards the television this time hoping he would start a topic. He touched my hands and said "You could have done this at your home".

I was shy and looked at him. Our orders came, he was asking how my college was going and about my parents. I replied without asking any further question or trying to pick on a topic to continue. Ten minutes later, he promised he would drop me in college and go back to work. His work was really easy, he was a marketing manager. At least that’s what I thought, when he called or came out to meet me during work hours.

I was so happy that we met. I texted him back telling that I missed him and that the meeting was a definite move. He replied back telling "Yeah". I felt disappointed; he then again called me and said, "Let’s go out for dinner". I was surprised, two meeting in one day and for the first time. “Was that too much?”

We met for dinner, this time I was talking about my college, about exams. He then hesitated; I was able to figure something was wrong. I asked him "what happened?” He replied telling "My son is not well, and I have to leave". He dropped me back home and left without speaking. I was in too much of a shock to ask him any question. I was wondering, "Son?”

Even though we spoke for hours, I didn’t think he had a family, a family of his own. He said he was working as a marketing manager. He also spoke of his mother but never about his wife or his son. I wanted to ask him so many questions, all the love I had for him vanished that day. I was cursing myself to fall with some stranger. I was ready to tell him that I wanted to move on but I was confused about what he was feeling.

He called me that night, said that his son has come down with fever, I was trying to sound as interested as possible but he probably guessed. I asked him "You are married?". He instantly replied without feeling any betrayal, "Yes, didn’t you know". I lost it there; I screamed at him, I didn’t think before I spoke. I hung up saying "Bye". Only five minutes later, he called me; I was hesitant but wanted to hear his side of the story. I said "Mmmmm", he understood. He said he was sorry, I didn’t listen, I tried not to.

He explained how he was married to a women he didn’t love only for the sake of his parents. He married when he was 23 yrs. His father was ill and wished to see his son married before he died, without any second thought the son agreed. He was married a month later. "Yes" he said, “I married even before I knew her, she obviously doesn’t complain, she loves me but I never feel anything for her. My mother wanted a grandchild, after many attempts, a son".

I was listening him talk, he was so confident when he told me that he never found love. Then, he found me. My heart started to do all its possible reactions. I said "OK" and hung up. I was looking at my phone, waiting for his call. He didn’t this time and I slept that night with a smile.

To be continued.......

If only you knew me..

2012-01-30T19:25:00.004+05:30

I do not ask, unless you question. I do not tell, unless you start. You won’t know me until you are around. I am not bothered many a times if no one is around. It is a peaceful state; think for yourself, holding a cup of coffee, lost in thoughts which you try to evade.

Confused as it may seem, my life is dull, I still do not want anyone by my side, I cry with no tears... with eyes so blank and with speech so subtle. You have to know me well to realize this. I do not need attention, something I hate. I do not want you to tell me what is right and what is not. I want you to stay right next to me, that is all is required.

I have a million thoughts running through my head starting "what if". Many I cannot understand why, some I leave for time to heal. I write so many stories about me, you and the others when I am down in the drain waiting for someone to pull me up. I do not wait too long though, I am up even before you realize that I am not alright.

I do not give a chance at times to let you predict my thoughts or me. I feel insecure when you can tell "I know what you feel". I tell to myself "No, you do not". I make it the hardest when I want someone to be by my side but keep telling myself “I can fight out of this alone”.

I am upset about many things right now, there is not much space. I do not want to be dependent, I want only me, and I can stand for myself. Even though I go down, I can be back to where I was even before you know. I keep asking myself to be strong; I have lost many precious in my life - Time, people and love. I do not regret, I tell myself. I have learned a hard lesson.

When I was impatient and young, I did not listen when you advice, I hate it. There have been times when I say, "Please do not advice because you are not worth it". Later, when people still did, I listened and ignored. Now, I hear them all, it’s too much to take.

I want you to know me, feel what I think, read my thoughts but yet again, I will not let you do it. It’s a feeling set in my mind; I am not able to get away with this. Even though, I have changed from a person I didn’t want to be, some traits remain. Maybe, I am not trying hard or not even trying.

You would know this if you know me, you would read my thoughts, and these lines would mean more.

Stuck in between my mind and thoughts.

Bulls eye!

2012-01-20T17:26:00.000+05:30

I was born somewhere in the summer in a place I recognize because of my parents. My mother told me that I had a father who has gone to prove to the world what he is, at least that is what he thought. I did not see father for a long time but when he came back, he was hurt, so badly, that after a week, he died. He could not stop the pain. It took his life.

I am a boy; I was made to carry loads, from places to places which I did not recognize without my owner. He always told me what to do. Sometimes, it had me thinking, “Why am I listening to him?” My mother tells me, you get food, shelter and a person you can depend on. “Why?” did not go away from my mind and he keeps hitting me so hard that it hurts all day.

When I was a little taller, my mother sent me with the lord once to learn the "skills" but I told her, I wanted to be with her. She said “There is nothing I can do child”. The owner spoke in a language I did not understand, and he poked me all day with a stick making me walk even slower than I used to. I was then given away to another owner. I did not know what I have to sad about to leave the lord I always knew or the fact that I may not see my mother, ever.

I wanted to go back home, to my mother. I tried to talk and tell the owner “I do not want to stay here anymore, this is not my life”, he did not understand, he gave me food. He gave me medicines that I refused to take. I did not want to sleep or eat until I go back to my mother, until I see her wide eyes of love.

That night, even though I refused to sleep, I slipped into a dream so deep that I could see my mother and father; right in front of me. They looked at me with so much love; I closed my eyes and did not want to wake again.

Next day, when I woke up, there were a hundred others just like me. They told me, they wanted to go home. I wanted to as well. There was one of us that thought we were all going to die today and that we all have to pray for our death. Another claimed that they would teach us to fight another kind called “men” and he also said it was going to hurt.

I was scared; I did not know where I was, so that I could run away. I asked a few, they were too scared to even reply, they kept their eyes on the men because they did not know when the men would get cranky.

I was trained, day and night, whenever the men probably thought I was bored.

After many days, they took us together in a container that was so small; hardly five of us could fit. We were looking at the blank walls, all day. We heard sounds and a few jumps every now and then. We were all tied to the wall, food right in front of us. I was feeling happy that I did not have to go through the training again.

In the training, they made us arrogant, very wild. We were given medicines and food that we could not deny because we were beaten so hard that we would sometimes bleed. There were men around us, all the time, trying to take control. I did not understand why. They were so serious and trying to bend to my size, to take over. Sometimes, I kept quiet but when I did, I was hit so hard I could not move for a day. Other times, I felt it was fun but these men leave scars, it hurt so bad.

Suddenly, the sounds and jumps stopped, I checked back to reality. I was among the others, nothing had happened yet. So, I tried to go back to sleep. When I tired, there was so much light in the place I could hardly see, the pushed us to walk down. I did not want to. I stayed but they started hitting me, scared I got off and to my surprise, there were a million men around me.

While I was still wondering what happened and how I got to this place, I saw the guy who came along with me, lying down in blood. I screamed to him asking “what happened?” He replied “It is a war, you will die”. I was trying to figure out what he was telling me, a war, that’s what he said but with whom?

It was my turn now, they let me in, I was looking at the crowd, they were all ready to pounce and suddenly I was scared, I moved back saying "I do not want to go, take me home". They as usual did not understand, they were screaming words that I did not understand. I was there, trying to run away but which way?

When I was going back, someone from behind hit me, and when I tried to move in the front, someone else was ready to get over me. I did not know what to do. I was stuck in a space so less with a million men around me. I kept going back, the men behind hit me, I said "I do not care if you hit me, I am not going there".

They sent me out finally, I came back with much less scars than the others, and I lived to see my life.

I was sent back to mother, I was happy to see after all that I had been through, I was feeling safe again. The men around me were saying probably screaming some words I did not understand yet again. I looked at mother; she said "they are saying you were a worthless bull". She also said "I am happy you are back".

I never felt so happy in my life, ever.

Seconds count...

2012-01-16T21:28:00.000+05:30

When you are sleepy, even your hand won't listen.

A flick of the eye, takes more than two seconds.

You can try to sleep while you try not to slip,

Even though your eyes are red as hell.

Sometimes, you feel like crying,

The shadow so deep, the brain starts to ponder.

You suddenly start prioritizing but you can't.

You are stuck with a job so interesting,
You forget to spell your name.

You can feel the fan in ceiling, making a noise that sounds like a lullaby.
The bed, never so warm and the pillow wonderfully fluffy.

If I ask you now, you can sleep without any luxury,
While travelling or in the couch or any place you can imagine.
The goal still remains, for the eyes to flick more than two seconds.
Wishfully dreaming while I wrote this!

Goodnight!

A Final recap!

2011-12-14T14:01:00.000+05:30

I smile when I look at you... everything seems beautiful. You, my life, my children. Even though I am old, even though I do not understand like you do; I am happy where I am. I lost my husband a few months ago, you think I don’t understand; only I ignored. There are many stories that I want to tell you but I just can’t find the words to tell them all.

You give me a pity look every time I cross you. I have nothing to do the entire day but to look at the sky and wish "take me away". When I tell you, I do not want to live; there is nothing more I want than this, than being with you for the last days. I have lived my life for 86 wonderful years and now, u think I will be gone soon. I used to feel insecure; the thought of my life that will come to an end shook my very core. I couldn’t do anything about it though; no one can do anything about it. I started to talk, talk things in my head that you couldn’t understand.

When my heart bleeds, I ask for a few more days with you. I called for help! I knew I was dying. I knew deep inside there is nothing I can do about it. I stayed with you as long as I could. I lost my husband but losing you would mean the world. I still remain misunderstood on my feelings. I speak to you while you cook a meal, when you do your chores. I understand when you feel tired; I know I am the reason for all this. I am going through a lot of pain nothing more than what you are doing to keep me alive a few more days. I keep my head clear looking at the sky every single minute of the day to give me a peaceful death.

It was destiny; I believe that took me back. When fate decided that I have spent enough time with you. Well, am happy now without any regrets. I have seen you smile with me and now I have to see you cry, that is the difference.

Now, that I can still see you while I am gone. I know all of you loved me as much as I did. There is nothing more I wish to see than to feel happy at you missing me while I am gone. I am sad that I am not next to you while you cry... while you wish i could wake up any minute from a sleep too long to end. I am sorry my dear, I have met my ends. This however, does not mean that I am going away from you. With all my love, I will remain with you, in your thoughts, in your children, in your smile. Remember, I will always smile back you, love.

Love you my child,

Your mother!

Shut up!

2011-06-29T12:22:00.000+05:30

I started writing a poem when i began then, i thought it doesnt make sense. I was frustrated and started wrting a para. Constant thoughts, about what i ask myself! Of situations I do not have a hold on. There is nothing i can do but i keep thinking of all the non-sense situations - EXPECTATIONS, this is the mother of all thoughts. I ask myself to keep the thinking shutter down because no matter what i think, i am still in the situation where my head has gone beyond the capacity to think and started writing.

Wouldnt it have been simple if you could say anything, do anything? no one to convince? no one to judge you? Life would have been wonderful but we are at a big "NO" for an answer. Now, I am getting back to what i was not thinking. Adieu.

How bad this made me! :P

2011-06-15T13:51:00.001+05:30

This is my first attempt to write a funny article, so, I shall begin with raising my glass to you. I wake up in the morning, let us say, the day of the week that we all love, Monday! I wake up with all groans in my head, after spending a wonderful weekend staying home or not! As I force myself out of the bed, try to brush my teeth like they may hurt, make myself a coffee. This ritual is done by my mum when I am home; it’s pretty much waking up then! The important thing, newspaper, simply cannot do without it, even if I don’t remember anything five minutes after reading it!

Most of the days, I prepare my head for a “walk”, a regular 30-minute workout regime that I always wanted to follow but life always comes with alternatives, I live in a seven storey apartment, so, I actively walk up and down a couple of times and psychologically satisfy my mind that I have done my part of “active” living.

After the “work out”, it’s usually “should I cook? Even worse “Should I eat?” It has been more than a year since I moved to Hyderabad for work. One best thing that has happened to me is the “weight-loss” which is because I keep debating between cooking and eating!!

Most of the days, I “try” cooking, (imagine single bachelor’s kind) just to stay alive! I do have a choice of doing dinner in Office but the only problem is, I have to walk past three blocks before I can smell food, considering the situation of ultimate coolness in Hyderabad, I pressure myself to cook at home! I am not sure which state records the highest temperature, but surviving summer in Hyderabad is more like surviving Splitsvilla show on MTV India!

The best thing, other than my work and work place (!) in Hyderabad is the place where I live, no, no, not the office! I live in a township in this locality; I would be surprised if someone didn’t know of the place. Well, it’s such a motivation to settle down here; (of course!) work comes first! This “township” scenario is very new to me because the place where I come from is like let us say, in the middle of “Inorbit” mall?! It has almost everything other than a school, pub and a temple, even though it has no shortage of children. Sometimes, an evening walk is more like walking in a school ground!

Well, coming back to what I do on a mundane (with a smile) Monday post the millionth attempt to suicide (cooking). I get myself ready for the office pick up service, protecting myself from the cool sun! I am not sure if it is a trend in Hyderabad, girls are more like “Mummies”, no, I meant the Egyptian Mummies but we do a lot to keep the sun away from the skin, even if we become unrecognizable, it really doesn’t matter!

Generally, a 22-seater ‘tempo’ comes as part of the “spot” pick-up to work but I will tell you when the confusion started, after a” Sumo” (Tata’s four wheeler product) was sent one day which by all means is comfortable even though, it didn’t pick us up from the apartments, the joy of hopping on the car and speeding to office with nowhere else to stop was the best part!
After we reach office, it is “getting the-sun-out-of-the-face” session for the next fifteen minutes before I hit the desk, yes, I make it right by two p.m. (IST). It’s a practice in our team to huddle up for at least ten minutes from two fifteen p.m. to catch up on who is free and who is not! Mails pour in, and to clear the head before traditionally starting the day, it’s a south Indian special (Café Coffee Day) coffee. And then, officially the day begins…

Mails, work, personal mails, coffees, dinner, work, mails, and work and so on…. It might get boring if I tell you the process of my work because I still need the motivation. Mostly, I finish my day at Eleven p.m. (IST), it’s a taboo, but if you mention to anyone in my stream of line that you are “thinking” of leaving at Eleven p.m., you will never know how many start chanting the curse! I don’t blame them, I “hear” sometimes people log out six in the (next) morning and watching someone leave at eleven, can be “eye-itching”! I only learn a lot of time-management because if they let me work anytime after eleven, I sure can, in my dreams.

With that being said, I am prepared to get fired! For the moment of peace (piece), I enjoy my life here, a little fun, never hurts! Laugh your way out because this is the first time I even tried to put my life down to sound funny and published even I don’t make it to the first three, I am sure it will be a nice laugh! (Atleast a smile?!)

Where is the pen??!

2011-06-15T13:48:00.000+05:30

I sit down to write, and I think “I don’t know how to hold the pen anymore”. Gone are all those days, when we wrote with pen and paper! These days it is the laptop, mobile, or even disastrously, the ipad. It’s hard to believe that life has moved on, how the friends we knew are married, with children and grand children! When I cannot attend a party or a ceremony of my friend’s (forget birthdays), I send a text through, not to save money but to save myself from the awkwardness of apologizing face-to-face.

At 25, I think my life has been eaten up by technology, imagine the ones that are not, those that don’t even know that papers are extinct at corporate organizations?

While I am still trying to figure out, the exact position of the pen on my hand before it landed on a word document, I cannot recollect the last time I used an inland letter to friends to anyone for that matter! It used to be such a craze, I had pen pal who had the same name as mine. Life was good! But again the question is, can I do without technology? Can I go back to using a bicycle, back and forth office? There’s no one to blame here, it is always what I choose.

With all the materials taken over our lives, I still wonder if I am the same person who laughed at silly jokes or gets nervous to get in front of the crowd! On a typical day, I don’t know how many milliseconds (forget hours for now!) I have given to myself, to think or not to think, funny as it may sound, I don’t remember that part ever! Life has moved on, people have, and I write this with absolute question if I realize what I am doing?

Life is to enjoy, without denial, but sometimes, we are just so lost, in ways we never know! Until I stop and think or pen it down, I am not sure if I will never realize what is happening around you. It sometimes feels like a marathon with no end.

To be or not to be, is always in my hands, it’s my life, I am not sure if I will have another birth, but I would like to live the one I already have with a sense of meaning, I don’t want to regret even I have nothing else to do that I have wasted my life waiting for situations to turn favorable!

Until technology figures out the time machine, Good luck!!

When i wanted you to leave..

2011-06-09T12:33:00.001+05:30

I could start writing this like a sad story, when you left me and i never felt more lost! I try to understand all the truth, the lies, the fake reasons. There was nothing you did not do. Fooling around like a gurl with a candy. When i was with you, there was nothing more i asked the lord than asking you to go away. Deep inside, I have always known that you are not the one. Tragedy I call it, even when i knew everything, i didnt ask you why! Now, who is the biggest loser? The darkest days of my life lasted for three whole years. My young life was gone by looking into your eyes and trying to figure out, if at some point if you ever loved me. Should i have asked myself if i really like you? No i didnt.Until i saw you, saw us from the outside trying to learn what i was missing the whole time. I found that i was not missing you anymore, i miss my life, my friends, my family.Three years shadowed my loves! Someone i should have given attention to and not to your dumb jokes. Why was i even listening? I sat down to the lord asking for forgiveness for all that I have done. For being a fool, when the solution was right in front me! The days were so bad that even if we argued, i gave up. You lost me there, you didnt have to wait for the "end" to figure out that i was not with you anymore, that i am not yours anymore. This didnt mean my interest grew with someone else, only, i didnt want to feel like this ever in my life. I have learnt a hard lesson, this i will not advice anyone on. The three precious years of my gone, with you, i was never happy. Even though we laughed, i really didnt feel anything close to "this is it". Probably i was too young to understand this, probably not. I was too blind. I did what i want. I left you...I left you to better day, to my life. I am happy, with all my heart. Your lies, your life is unforgivable. There is nothing you can do to change what you are. I now know, you never belonged to my life. I am glad you left me when i wanted you to.

The day i forgot to smile....

2011-06-07T15:37:00.001+05:30

Do you remember the last time you had a quarrel with your friend? Your love? Your family? Try and recollect what is the one thing you would fight about or try to defend yourself on?
A lie? something you missed telling them, isnt that where the truth lies?
A truth? that you shouldnt have told, because deep inside you know that it will not convince them.

What would you choose if there were secrets deep in your heart, that you cant share; nothing can be made out of sharing for that matter. It wouldnt change anything if you shared it with a friend probably, she convinces you telling that life has many more challenges than this! "They will understand". What if your friend exclaims "What?!". Thats where your problem is.. when you friend denies your reason, shouts on your face to ask you "what you have done?!".

When you are young, have you ever heard to your mother's worries? her tiresome days, when she asks you to take care a little bit by yourself. On this very day, your life changes. Suddenly you dont understand what is to "take care" of yourself. Later, when you get the hang of it, your life really does change.. Now, the next time your mother asks you to do something for her... you say "no" and take care of yourself. This you do not realise at 20, but regret at 25.

Then, comes that very question. "What have i done?", "Is there a way to undo it?", "What if i tell them?"
I am right there. Asking myself the same questions. Should i with all rights of my life, keep a secret or tell them?

Should i care for them and keep it to myself or just tell them and feel regret-free for the rest of my life?
but the resultant of the truth could be hard enough that i could lose everyone, every single person in my life.
To lose them or not?

This day i think more than the size of my brain! I forget what it is to look at a familiar face, give a smile.. i think that nothing would mean more than to speak to truth. the whole truth... but I swear I dont have the guts. Not to think but to smile at them. I keep thinking when i talk to them.. what if i just told you now, while you are smiling at me? Would you forget to smile at me forever?!

To ma, with love!

2011-06-06T18:22:00.000+05:30

I did not think that I could write,

About some feelings I cannot express.

Many many days, I tried to tell you,

All my love, that was right there.

I pen down today, with tears,

I realize it’s too late.

You could have been here,

To see your children grow;

To see your wife's pride,

To see how pampered mom is now.

When you were right next to us,

We feared to even speak.

Today we yearn "If only he was here"!

We console ourselves all the time,

There is no point regretting.

That you should rest in peace,

And make heaven "Heavener".

After ten years, we still hear you,

In our thoughts; in our laughs.

Every time mom says, "You are just like him".

You live in us every day,

With a brave heart, we will miss you always.

Somethings never change, like my brain?? :P

2011-04-27T22:56:00.000+05:30

Thats Mr. KRS for us!!!! :D The biggest man in the family!!

Mummmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

Location: Kodaikanal, my official hill station other then home!! :P Had a blast that time!!! It was actually the time when i got to know three others on this pic :P and the one clicking it!! :D

Love this expression of mum!! This was at Charminar, Hyderabad!! She was freaking scared. Reason: It was a Friday!! :P

My lovely kid sister was scared for a while we were @ Charminar, and then went to her actual mode "Posing"! :P Love u!!!!!

The monument.. some good days.. not in Charminar, i meant Hyderabad!! :)

The Township!!! Nothing can beat this!!! One of the few things i love about Hydera-BAD! :D

I, Me and my kid :D

The family picture :D Note the guy i had a crush on that day!!! Akshay - i am holding him!! :D

In a million yrs, this was the first time i saw grand pa smiling while posing for a pic :D

Picture torture - AB!! :P. Time @ Pondi!!!

My kid and my crush!!! :D

Mummie and my kid, somehow i am stuck with this day!! Nice one i should say!! :)

Best granny ever!!!! Love u!!! :D

This was in Tirupati, again Andhra Pradesh, it was a nice trip!! Driving all the way, Pooch woke up just to eat!!! :P

My fren from college, one of the few person in my life :)

My BIG sister :P lol!! :D

Kavi :D Just love this pic of hers!!!

Muthu, one of the other few people in my life!! with Hansika (belongs to Devi :P)

Like this pic!!! Looking lovely!!

Best day ever, 9.00 am movie on ma's birthday :D

My clicks!!! Never miss the smile!! :D

Future maapilai :D

Finally, my kid's replica - Nid and Daga <3

The best roomate ever in the world - Ash, Nid and Daga

Funnie ritual in Indore, they cry to pay the bill off, Nid knows what am talking about!! :D

We actually made it to Coorg, i couldnt believe it, my longest time on the roads :)

Thats my cute Gannu!!! :D

This was at Coorg as well, Tibetian Colony, i felt like i was in Tibet!!! One of the monks, classified baby!! :D

Coorg!!! Tibetian Colony!! :D

I killed Nid by taking pics, she was almost gonna cry, no not in this one!!! :P

Anu's marriage, Ash & Nid looking as pretty as ever!!

Focus: Pic not the gurl :P

Mysore!!!!!!!!! Sanctuary!!

Kavi :D in one of her sweet reactionss!!

Thats me again!! :P

She was trying to break it that day!! First few days at Deloitte, "Run way"

Nope!

2011-04-10T17:07:00.003+05:30

I am writing this from a test center, with all the pain in the heart! I am back to what i was thinking a yr ago…somehow I think I couldn’t convince myself that life moves on, no matter what u do. It’s just a day after another even though the days have been good. I am not asking to reverse all that has happened...only hoping that all of it happened for a certain reason that I still am trying to complete.
There is nothing called as a reason for life or as any other person would think as a purpose of life. You are not born to be the best of all sometimes; it is just making the people around you happy. I am not sure if someone else reads this, he/she would think that there is something wrong in my head, and I would never disagree. Something is wrong... I look happy to others. But, I am not happy on the inside… I am looking for a 'happily ever after life' which am sure no one is going to feel. Even if there’s everything in your life, there are still something’s missing... the sparkle.... like i read in a novel recently.
Sometimes, i just make life look so terrible to live in. Can’t handle anything; I run away from all…and my choices become the biggest challenge. I am a very confident person on the outside but on the inside, I keep questioning myself.
Again, the question is why should i care for others? Why should i make them happy? What do i seek? I am loaded with questions, i am not sure if it because of my age or my head. It all questions alright and don’t have answers to all. I can’t ask this to anyone for they would think I am the biggest fool in the world or maybe they won't. I am not sure what life has for me, I am scared as well as happy all in the same time. Just hoping things would work out okay if not best!
That’s all for now.