tawm.net

Recent happenings

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:17:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've put anything here, but hey, new song.

That's right, I did a trock song in Videobloggery. Just watch it below.

Hopefully before to long I'll get back to more blogging and The Cloister Room...

Pascal's Wager and Volitional Belief

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 01:25:00 +0000

It's a bit unusual for me to blog about something like this, but why the hell not?

Pascal's Wager is sometimes called a proof of God's existence, but that's not really what it presents itself as. It's more of a thought experiment, and it goes a little something like this, in my own words:

Maybe we can't prove that God exists. But even so, it's better to believe in him just in case. There are four possible scenarios:

	you believe	you disbelieve
God exists	REWARD	PUNISHMENT
God does not exist	null	null

Obviously, then, believing in God is the right choice. It rules out the possibility of a negative outcome, leaving only positive and neutral.

There are problems with this thought experiment (or whatever we want to call it). They are obvious and they are not very interesting. Note the either-or proposition of God's existence, which does not allow for the fact that the god (or gods!) that exist might not be the one you believe in. And then there's the assumption that God rewards belief and punishes disbelief (which is kind of a silly thing to assume).

And then, of course, there's the fact that it's not a logical proof for God's existence, just a recommendation that you hedge your bets and choose to believe.

Again, not that interesting, and kind of obvious.

The interesting thing, in my opinion, is the notion that you can choose to believe in God. Can you choose to believe in anything? Because I sure can't. I believe those things that seem true to me and I do not believe those things which seem untrue to me. I can't just choose to believe that the sun will not rise tomorrow. Nor can I choose to believe that God does or does not exist.

Now, there's a pretty neat trick that human beings do called "lying to ourselves." You know what I'm talking about. You've done it before, and you've frustrated your loved ones. And you've been frustrated when your loved ones did it. The way this works is not so much by choosing to believe things, but rather choosing to alter our on mental filters. You can choose to ignore certain information, which has a bearing on a particular belief. In that way, you can trick yourself into "believing" whatever you want. It's called intellectual dishonesty.

By doing this, someone who really, deep down in their gut, believes in the existence of God, can trick themselves into believing that God does not exist, and vice versa. But I'm really not so much interested in the big question of God's existence as I am in the relationship between belief and the will.

I suppose I don't really have much of a point other than to muse on the issue. So I'll just sort of trail off here.

Decemberists at Newport and thoughts on The Hazards of Love

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:25:00 +0000

Music reviewing isn't really my usual thing, but I've got something to say, dammit, and say it I shall.

Last weekend was the Newport Folk Festival, which was celebrating its 50th year and featured a whole lot of good bands. I went with my sister and one of her friends, mainly to see the Decemberists, a favorite band of mine. If you're not familiar with the Decemberists, they're a folk rock band from Oregon that's heavily influenced by the tradition of English folk. A lot of their songs are stories about characters, and feature a verbose and anachronistic lyrical style that forms a large part of the band's charm.

One of the most prevalent themes in their music is tragic love. For examples, give a listen to "We Both Go Down Together," a song about a suicide pact between lovers, or "O Valencia!" which is a fairly standard Romeo and Juliet tale.

Incidentally, both of those songs were performed at the Newport Folk Festival, along with two all-new, never-before-performed-in-the-US songs, and a few songs from their new album The Hazards of Love, which is an album-length folk rock opera.

I had been a little worried that their entire set would be from The Hazards of Love, since their recent tour has featured a set list composed of just the tracks from that album in order, telling the complete story. I hadn't heard that album yet, and so a concert with all those songs and none of my favorites would have left me cold. But after hearing the songs performed at the concert, I immediately purchased the album from iTunes when I got home, so impressed was I with what I heard.

Now, I must admit that initially I was a little underwhelmed by the album on first listen, because while the songs were good, they did not benefit from the energy of the live show, and so I did not immediately fall in love wit the album. But on repeat listens, I have appreciated the album a lot more, and I've grown obsessed enough with it that I'm literally having trouble listening to anything else.

The Hazards of Love follows a trend in the work of singer/songwriter/frontman Colin Meloy toward long, epic song suites based in folk legend tropes. The 18-minute single The Tain in 2004 was one step in this direction, and the 2006 album The Crane Wife featured two such epic songs, "The Island" and the three parts of "The Crane Wife." The Hazards of Love seems the natural progression from those earlier works. By no means is it a particularly complicated (or even very specific) story, but it is touching in its own tragic way, and getting a sense of the narrative is absolutely key to the enjoyment of the album.

The story follows four characters. The lovers, Margaret and William, meet when Margaret helps a wounded fawn, which turns into a man by night: William. Margaret becomes pregnant with William's baby, which leads her to run away from home and also causes a disagreement between William and his mother the forest Queen. Soon after, the villainous Rake kidnaps Margaret and William must rescue her. I mentioned it was a tragedy, and I assure you it doesn't end well. The music incorporates a mix of folk and prog rock styles, and a few different vocalists, with Meloy playing both men and guest vocalists Becky Stark and Shara Worden portraying Margaret and the Queen respectively.

The long story, which requires some attention to follow, is probably why I didn't enjoy the album so much on my first listen, and it improved on later listens. I think this may be the most impressive album to date, but I don't think I want to see another one like it. I hope that Meloy returns to the shorter, lighter songs that made me fall in love with the band in the first place. If the songs the band played at Newport are any indication, that's just what they're doing, thankfully.

Oh, and by the way, some kind soul has uploaded the two brand new songs to youtube, so give them a listen: "Down by the Water" and "Rox in the Box". I'm a fan. Also, during the middle of their set, specifically during A Cautionary Song, most of the band came out into the audience to give a humorous reenactment of Bob Dylan's infamous 1965 performance at Newport. Luckily, that's up on youtube as well. I couldn't see it from my spot in the crowd but as they came out into the crowd they did walk literally right in front of me (just inches away, really) so that was kind of cool.

If you're a fan of the Decemberists highly recommend that you give The Hazards of Love a listen, or even a few listens. If you've nto familiar with them, however, then I'd recommend that you listen to some of their other, less ambitious, more accessible material. Personally, while I'm glad that the band didn't perform The Hazards of Love in its entirety at Newport, I'd be curious to hear it performed live, just to find out what the experience is like.

Oh, and sadly, I left the festival early and so I missed the big finale where a bunch of people (including Meloy and Ben Kweller and others) joined Pete Seeger on stage for This Land is Your Land. Ah well. I'll probably lie and tell my grandkids I was there.

Brief thoughts on Dollhouse: Epitaph One

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:42:00 +0000

The above tweet was my initial reaction to Epitaph One, the unaired, thirteenth episode of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse, which it seems everyone on the Internet but me loves.

I'll be posting a (far) more in-depth look at Dollhouse later this week (or possibly next week), but for now here's a comment I posted on the appropriate post over at Whedonesque:

Honestly, I thought it was awful. I don't want to piss in anyone's lemonade, but I hated it so much it made me not want to watch season 2. I've calmed down and decided that I will give season 2 a try after all, but I still didn't like this episode.

I'm not going to go too much into why I hated it. Suffice it to say I thought it was a mess of half-baked ideas that were dropped on us all at once, when a slow build over the course of several seasons would have been so much more satisfying. But I think I understand why Joss did it the way he did. It just wasn't for me. I'm going to write up a longer, more specific review for my own blog later this week.

I'm a little disappointed that I'm one of the very, very few people that feels this way. It makes me feel like I must be crazy. But hey, different people like different things. That's what makes fandom interesting. I'm just glad that Joss is doing work that so many people can enjoy, even if I'm not one of those people.

My upcoming post will discuss not just Epitaph One, but the entire first season of Dollhouse, especially the "season finale," Omega. Whether I'll have anything to say about the unaired pilot, I'm not sure, as I've not seen it yet. Expect that very long post to go up sometime before the end of next week.

Planet of the Dead liveblog on 7/26 at 7:45 PM Eastern

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 13:22:00 +0000

On Sunday, July 26 at 7:45 PM Eastern, I will be hosting a liveblog during BBC America's first airing of Doctor Who: Planet of the Dead, here at tawm.net. You can join me and a bunch of other Doctor Who fans for a live discussion of Planet of the Dead as it happens on air. The chat will open early so people have time to arrive and say hi, then we'll watch the episode until its conclusion at 9:15 and stick around afterward for some discussion.

If you'd like to join us but don't get BBC America, feel free to bring along whatever copy of Planet of the Dead you have and we'll tell you when to start and stop to compensate for the commercial breaks and stay in sync with us.

Thanks to Chip from the Two Minute Time Lord podcast for this lively idea. His Torchwood: Children of Earth liveblogs were great fun. Unlike Chip's liveblogs, this liveblog will take a relaxed attitude toward spoilers as I'm assuming most of us have seen it already. The CoveritLive liveblog service makes it really simple which allows us to focus on having a good time.

I hope you'll join us! Just visit tawm.net at 7:45 and you'll find the liveblog.

UPDATE
Obviously, the liveblog has already happened. Here for archival purposes is what we all had to say.
BBC America's Doctor Who: Planet of the Dead premiere

Doctor Who: The Forgotten.

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 12:35:00 +0000

Just fyi, a review for "Doctor Who: The Forgotten", a graphic novel by Tony Lee and Pia Guerra (among others) has been posted at Behind the Sofa.

Some three months after the book's release.

Ah well. Better late than never.

Catch it here.

Thoughts on the Doctor Who re-numbering

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 23:29:00 +0000

There's been a lot of talk lately on Twitter about the numbering of the upcoming 2010 series of Doctor Who. According to Doctor Who Magazine, the series will be produced and promoted as Series One, which is a surprise as many fans were expecting it to be called Series Five. And there's a minority of fans who would prefer it to be called Season (or series) Thirty-One, continuing the numbering scheme of the classic series. My comment to Chris in a recent videobloggery aside, I'm not one of those who insists on continuing the numbering of the classic series, except in the service of a cheap joke.

It's a brave choice to start the numbering over again, and I think I support it. As I said on Twitter, a while back, I like the way it shatters the dichotomy between the new and the old. It does risk confusing some viewers, but honestly I think we should give the viewers a bit more credit. I think the vast majority of viewers are either (a) so casual that they honestly couldn't care less about numbering or (b) invested in the show enough that they'll understand what's going on with the numbering reset: Russell T Davies' take on the program is over and Steven Moffatt's new direction for the show has begun. And when Moffatt leaves, they may well start back at 1 with someone else.

Perhaps most importantly of all, keeping the numbering in the low single digits has the important effect of welcoming new viewers. While a number like 31 (and even five) is potentially alienating to new viewers, "Series One" makes it clear that new viewers are definitely welcome to start watching the program without worrying about the years and years of continuity they've missed. Keep in mind: Doctor Who is for everyone, not just the hardcore fans.

There is, of course, the danger that some fans will take the reset as an invitation to leave the program, as though the show they loved is over and this is a new one, as Chip mentioned in his recent episode of his Two-Minute Time Lord podcast, but I honestly don't think this is a major issue. Those fans who want to stop watching the show will stop watching it regardless of what the number is. And those fans who have opinions about the numbering will merely call this Series Five, or Season Thirty-One, or the 2010 Season.

Personally, I'll be using the terms "Season x", "Davies Series x", and "Moffatt Series x". But numbering schemes like this are for the existing fans, and this change is for the benefit of potential new fans. And it's always good to have more of those.

Oh, and by the way, the current specials are "Davies Series 4b" for me. Come on, fandom, it's not that hard!

Videobloggery: Tom's Off Day

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 22:39:00 +0000

Chris did not sing a song.

Neither did I.

Comment and whatnot over on youtube!

The Cloister Room 001

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:56:00 +0000

In case you weren't aware, I now host a podcast called The Cloister Room. It's about science fiction with a focus on Doctor Who.

Episode 000 and Episode 001 are now up. 000 is a pilot episode, and 001 is about the recent rumors about a Doctor Who feature film.

Hope you enjoy them.

Wedding pictures on flickr

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:04:00 +0000

I went to Cape Cod for the weekend to attend my aunt's wedding. Whilst there, I took some crappy cellphone pictures. Here's links to the photo sets:

	Photos from the Wedding
	Photos from the Reception
	Photos of my cousin Riley taken the following day

New videobloggeries!

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:20:00 +0000

Good lord I've been neglecting this, haven't I?

Here are the last few editions of videobloggery:

CHRIS:

ME:

CHRIS:

ME:

And we are now up to speed!

Torchwood: Children of Earth

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:12:00 +0000

This week is Torchwood week. On BBC One, an episode of the new five-part Torchwood: Children of Earth is being aired each weeknight. In the US, you can catch them on BBC America frm July 20-24, but I'm watching them in sync with the UK airdate to review them for Behind the Sofa.

Although Torchwood has in the past been mediocre at best, this new series really is fantastic. You can find links to the the reviews in this post, which I'll be updating as I post them. Some of the reviews have spoilers, but the first one doesn't.

Torchwood: Children of Earth
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five

Videobloggery: Tom Sings a Doctor Who Song

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:07:00 +0000

Chris did an excellently amusing Twilight review and also a hilarious song.

So I responded with a song of my own. I'm rather proud of it:

Comment and rate over on Youtube!

Duncan Jones's Moon is Rising, or some such silly title

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:42:00 +0000

Just a quick post:

I recently joined my buds Steve, Samy, Chris, and NOT Golden for a rather long drive to see a film called Moon, directed by Duncan Jones (AKA "Zowie Bowie", son of David Bowie) and starring Sam Rockwell.

The film was absolutely excellent and I can't help but tell the world. Hence the blogging.

I won't be doing a full fledged review, because there's not much I can tell you about this movie that wouldn't spoil it for you. But I do want to deliver my strong, strong recommendation that you go see if it's playing in a cinema hear you (a list of cinemas and dates for those cinemas is over here). Keep checking as the list updates, because hopefully it'll be rolling out to more cities.

To give you an idea of what the film's about, it stars Sam Rockwell as Sam Bell, the sole crewman of a mining facility on the moon. His only company is an artificial intelligence named GERTY, who communicates with the voice of Kevin Spacey and a smiley avatar. Sam's three-year contract is almost up, and he's eager to get back home to his wife and daughter. But... well, I won't say much more. I'll let you find out for yourself when you see the movie.

The trailer can be found here. If that doesn't get you excited then you have no soul.

Go see it!

Videobloggery: No Fish on Youtube!

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 02:26:00 +0000

Chris's video went up a bit late, but mine is on time:

Can't wait for the Twilight videos next week!

Please comment, rate and subscribe.

Videobloggery: It's Business Time

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:53:00 +0000

Chris began his punishment, but he has no idea what lies in store for him when he uncovers his true punishment!

Please, please, please comment and rate. I will love you forever.

Why I Suspect Karen Gillan is Romana

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 02:34:00 +0000

My insinuation on Twitter that the Doctor's new companion for 2010 will be a Time Lady was half-joking, but of course that means it is half serious.

Karen Gillan, who is 21, will be playing the companion to the Eleventh Doctor, portrayed by Matt Smith, the youngest actor ever in the role at 26. news is weeks old, of course, but it's something that people are still buzzing about. Personally, despite the fact that I know nothing about her except that she's gorgeous, I have some reservations about the casting choice myself. This is for two reasons: First, that I fear a TARDIS full of youngsters will be overpowered by youthful romantic angst and sexual tension, and second that I was hoping that the show would be going in a bold new direction, and a young female companion is hardly that.

But that changes if she's not human.

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but I have a feeling that there's something significant about the fact that we haven't heard anything about what the character's name is yet. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I tend to think that something is being kept from us, that a name would blow wide open. Which is why, to return to the point, I think she might be a Time Lady, specifically one of the two we know.

I'd really be more willing to wildly speculate that it's Romana before Susan. Bringing back the Doctor's granddaughter now, with the youngest Doctor ever, is perhaps a bit too bold. Romana, on the other hand, would be another story. My tweet got a response from @dubbayoo, AKA Chris, one of the hosts of the podcast Radio Free Skaro. "Definitely get a Romana II vibe off her." I agree. And that's not all I'd like to get off her (okay, fine, no more of that). Not only does she seem a fit for the character (pictured at left played by Lalla Ward in the character's second onscreen incarnation), but I think the time is right for Romana to return. That would take the show in a direction it hasn't been in quite some time. The interesting thing about the dynamic between the Doctor and Romana is that, unlike the Doctor's companions from Earth, Romana doesn't need to have everything explained to her by the Doctor. In fact, it's often the other way around. It seems to me that every newly-announced companion is touted as "finally the Doctor meets his equal." Romana would be the only really genuine fulfillment of that promise, and it would be a great way to start the new era of the show off with something truly different from what's come before.

Is this idle speculation, signifying nothing? Probably. Okay, definitely. But regardless of what Karen Gillan turns out to be, I guess I should give her, and Matt Smith, and Steven Moffat, the benefit of the doubt with regard to the show's new beginning. While I'm sure I'll be sad to see the end of the David Tennant/Russell T Davies era this winter, I also can't wait to see what's in store next spring.

Videobloggery: The Machine Apocalypse

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 21:15:00 +0000

FINALLY, Chris posted a videobloggery, and a damn good one.

I, of course, had to respond in kind.

Drop your comments and ratings over there.

Star Wars Novel Reading Order

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:20:00 +0000

This is mostly just something I'm doing for some of my friends that are just getting into Star Wars novels, but I figured I'd post it here so anyone can see it. If you're a novice to the Star Wars Expanded Universe who just happened to find your way here via a misguided google search, feel free to take (or leave) my advice. Alternately, if you're a veteran Star Wars EU fan, feel free to curse my name for leaving The Glove of Darth Vader off the list.

Most Star Wars books can be read in any order you want, because a lot of books are standalones and a lot of series are self-contained. That's not to say they don't refer to one another, just that you (usually) shouldn't worry about not reading a book because you haven't read all the books "before" it.

The exception to this is that all of the books from the "New Jedi Order" series onward really ought to be read in strict timeline order. Other than that you can (mostly) go wild, but I think what follows is a fairly good order. I'm dividing up the reading order into "phases" just so you can understand why I'm giving you the books in this order.

Phase One: Stover
Phase 1 consists of books written by Matthew Stover. I think Stover's one of the best Star Wars writers, and I think these books will help you get a little bit of a flavor for the Star Wars Universe. I'm recommending that you read Stover before Zahn but you don't have to. You can skip him if you really want or read him later.

Shatterpoint - This novel about Mace Windu is set during the prequel trilogy, between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith.
Revenge of the Stih Novelization (optional) - I'm making this optional since if you've seen the movie you know the story, but the book is way better than the movie.
Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor - Skipping ahead, this is set about a year after Return of the Jedi. It's all about Luke, but it picks up some of the threads from Shatterpoint (you'll see). Also, even though it was written 17 years after the Thrawn Trilogy (see below), it sets it up kind of nicely.

Phase Two: Zahn
The Thrawn Trilogy by Timothy Zahn is basically the foundation for all of the other books after it. Zahn was the first author allowed to write books set after the movies, and so he's responsible for a lot of the characters and history post-Jedi. A word of caution: Since he's writing in 1991, and the prequels weren't released until 199-2005, Zahn makes up some stuff about the Clone Wars and the Jedi Order that later got contradicted.

The Thrawn Trilogy (Heir to the Empire, Dark Force Rising, The Last Command) - Set a few years after Return of the Jedi. Basically sets up the post-Jedi EU.
Hand of Thrawn (Specter of the Past, Vision of the Future) Ten years after the Thrawn Trilogy, and continues some of the threads.
Survivor's Quest - A few years after that. It continues some more of those threads...
Outbound Flight - Okay, this jumps waaaay back to the prequel trilogy, before Attack of the Clones. It's a prequel to the rest of those books and it finally gives the backstory that's hinted at in them. It also kind of sort of hints at the New Jedi Order stuff...

Phase Three: The New Jedi Order and beyond
This part's simple. This is the "continuing story" of the Star Wars universe. Unlike the rest of the timeline, the New Jedi Order series and the stuff after it is supposed to be read in order. You might want to start by reading Rogue Planet by Greg Bear, which is during the prequel era and introduces some important plot points. After that, though, it's all in order: Read Vector Prime, by R. A. Salvatore, and from then on just read the next book in the timeline, skipping the e-books (unless you really want to read them). You can find the timeline in the front of most Star Wars books, or you could just look at the Wikipedia list here.

Other Stuff
Aside from my advice that the New Jedi Order and what follows should be read in order, pretty much anything is fair game whenever you feel like it. If you've read all the Stover and Zahn stuff I recommended but you'd rather not commit to the 19 books of the NJO, and you want something a little less monstrous to read, look around and see what else is out there that sounds interesting to you. There's tons of books, and I haven't even mentioned the comics yet. Well, now I have.

Videobloggery: The Game Begins

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Sat, 30 May 2009 01:32:00 +0000

Chris's video was kind of pathetic.

But hey, so is mine!

Comment and whatever.

Videobloggery: Hodgman, Omochao, and more!

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Wed, 20 May 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Chris issued a challenge.

I delivered, and then some!

You know where to go for comments and whatnots.

Videobloggery: Books! and Lights!

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 15 May 2009 03:12:00 +0000

As Chris's video shows, he is "extreme."

I am not:

Comment, Rate, Reply, Subscribe, distribute, you know what to do.

Videobloggery: bWHAT?

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 08 May 2009 06:29:00 +0000

First, Chris.

Then, me:

Comment. Rate. Subscribe. Breathe.

Videobloggery: The DEATH of Fiction Friday

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Fri, 01 May 2009 05:41:00 +0000

Watch at your own risk.

First, see Chris's video from Wednesday, then watch mine:

Comment over there.

Falling Dominoes: a short story

noreply@blogger.com (Tom Dickinson) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 05:35:00 +0000

Once again, I find myself at a table in a restaurant sitting across from a gorgeous woman. And once again, she’s smart and funny and all of that. Okay, maybe I’m not being entirely fair to her. She really is something. In fact, she’s probably the best that Beth has managed to come up with since she first started trying to pair me up with her friends and friends-of-friends. And that’s saying something, because Beth is a good judge of character and she wants what’s best for her little brother. And her friends are great girls, all of them, so, yeah, I’m pretty lucky. But when it isn’t going to work out, it isn’t going to work out. I just don’t see myself in her future.

And that hurts. Because, seriously, this one is a catch. Gorgeous brunette, great smile. Fantastic body, too, and I heartily approve of what that dress is doing for it. And this girl, Amy, is going places. She’ll be a star. She’s really witty, so it’s a shame I’m not the best audience. She apologizes each time my laugh isn’t exactly what it should be.

“I’m funnier on stage,” she assures me. “Conversation, not so much.”

“If that’s true then you must be amazing,” I say, but I guess my sincerity doesn’t show. She thinks I’m bored. Okay, fair. I am a bit bored. But it’s not her conversation skills. It’s just that a lot of joy has gone out of the whole dating thing recently. You get to be our age and dating is really about looking for something, and I know neither of us is going to find it tonight.

She’s looking to find a nice guy that she can settle down with so that she can give up the small-time stand-up comedy scene and take a stab at the real world. Beth’s words, not hers. Either way, I know that’s not going to happen. An important agent will notice her and fall for her, and then the big gigs will really start. There will be a whole lot of buzz about this rising star who’s been setting the LA scene on fire, which will lead to national exposure when she gets a one-hour special on Comedy Central. From there it's all like a row of falling dominoes: The second special, then the third, then the album, then the spot on Saturday Night Live, then the short-lived but critically acclaimed sketch comedy show, then the hit sitcom based on her own life with her agent and their two kids, then Celebrity Big Brother to try to boost her flagging career, then the tabloid exposure of the affair with a has-been rap artist that she’ll meet there, then divorcing her former agent and marrying the rap artist, then marital bliss, then cancer. See? Dominoes.

But tonight is not one of those dominoes. Not for her, and not for me. I won’t find anything lasting here. I’m not even getting laid tonight. At least not by her.

And you know what, I’m fine with that. Over the past three years I’ve come to terms with the fact that just because I can see people’s futures doesn’t mean that I can do anything about it. There are some things you cannot change. For instance: anything. That is a thing you cannot change. It’s obnoxious. And sometimes more than that. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. Yesterday, in traffic, I heard a voice call out, “move it, asshole!” and just by hearing his voice for a second I knew that he was going to be stabbed next week. I wasn’t sure if he was going to come through it okay, but I wasn’t keen to find out and so I rolled up the window. If I don’t hear the voice, I don’t know a thing. Still felt bad for the guy.

But it isn’t always doom and gloom. Sometimes it’s just boring, knowing what’s going to happen before it does. Like now. “Are you ready to order?” The waitress doesn’t need to go any further, because some things take only a sentence. I know that she’s going to bring me a Caesar salad and it’s going to be wrong. I haven’t even decided what I want to order, but the fates have decreed for me that I’ll be getting a Caesar salad instead of whatever I order. But what if I order a Caesar salad? What then, fates? Have I contradicted you?

“I want a small Caesar salad,” I say. I feel a victorious thrill. Pathetic, I know, but let me have my fun. There’s no real victory in it, anyhow, because somehow it will work out like I saw it would, regardless of how I try to complicate it. Some sort of magic irony will fix it all.

“Anything else?” she asks. Oh, wow. Now I know that, unlike the reading I get from Amy, the reading from this chick says that she will be getting laid tonight. By me, maybe?

“Wha? Er, no. No thank you,” I say awkwardly. I don’t think she realized that I just turned down a sexual offer that she never really made.

This is one of the reasons why this whole dating thing is so unpleasant for me. I’m always distracted. I wasn’t even paying attention so I have no idea what Amy ordered. Which isn't really fair. I may have had the ending of this story spoiled for me, but Amy hasn't. It does suck that I know how it all turns out, but I owe it to her to at least maintain a facade of being involved and engaged. Beth, I mean. I owe it to Beth, not Amy. Well, I guess I actually owe it to Amy as well, but poor Beth, bless her, is the one who's always trying to help me out, get me out of the house, get me involved, and get those headphones out of my ears. She doesn't know about my problem. She doesn't know that what the headphones are for, that listening to music or talk radio or recordings is the only way I can get relief. Other than that, I can’t ever hear a human voice without being assaulted by increasingly specific visions of that person's personal future.

“So, Rick,” says Amy. Her eyes fail to excite me like they might. “Your sister said you're between jobs. Is that right?” As she speaks, the details of her future come more clearly into focus in my mind. For instance, the name of the rapper she'll marry. It's not someone I've heard of.

I try to ignore the images. “That's one way of putting it,” I say with a slight smirk.

“Unemployed, then,” Amy says. She’s a comedienne, and she knows it would have been out of line to comment on my status without first gauging my sense of humor on the topic. “What was it that you did before?”

“An artist, actually. An illustrator.”

“Freelance?” asked Amy. She'll have to wear a wig after the chemotherapy.

“Basically,” I said.

“So when you say between jobs, that's what you really mean. Between illustrating jobs.”

“Not really,” I say, after taking a sip of my drink. As I set the glass on the table, I try to decide how I should say this. I probably shouldn’t say it at all. But I do, for some reason. “I quit illustrating. I'm going to make some money in the stock market really soon.”

“Really?” Amy asks, clearly taken aback. “You sound certain.”

“I'm confident,” I say. Not that I can see my own future. Even when I see Beth's future or the future of someone else who's close to me, the details of my own future tend to come out fuzzy. But that doesn't stop me from picking up hot investment tips out of the futures of total strangers. Seeing the future does have a perk or two. “Anyway,” I say, “tell me about you. Where do you come from?”

“Oh, you know,” she says, clearly a bit uncomfortable with the question. “Around. I was born in Ohio, went to school there, and came out here immediately after. And then here I am.” Seems to me like a non-answer. Maybe she hates talking about her past. I hate mine. It was the only thing I had when I first started seeing the future. But there’s only so much of it, and it got boring fast. So I have this thing about liking to listen to other people discuss their own pasts. It’s the only thing they can really tell me about. And she doesn’t even realize it, but what little I’m hearing about her past is overshadowed by what I’m learning about the guilt she’ll feel over the difficulty her children will go through when she's separated from their father and slowly dying, which is why she won’t tell them about the cancer for months after she finds out.

“What did you major in?” I asked.

“Spanish, actually. Seemed like an interesting thing at the time, but as I later realized, there wasn't much chance I was going to want to teach or anything, and I didn't know what else to do, so I decided to come out here and try my luck. See what I could find.”

Her more immediate future begins to make itself apparent. later tonight she'll share a taxi with some guy. “Come on inside,” she’s going to say. “I want to show you something.” Is that some kind of line? No, a comedienne would think of something funny. There’s actually something that she’s going to want to show him. They're going to go inside and look through her vinyl collection. She and her companion will sit there for hours, late into the night, listening to her old records. They'll pick out the obscure ones that they both remember and get drunk and have an all-around good time together. The music they're listening to... those bands are some of my favorites. I think the guy she's going home with tonight is me. It must be.

Sometimes it works like this. The future is a complicated mess. I know I don’t have a future with this girl, and I know the sparks aren't exactly flying right now as we sip our respective drinks awkwardly. The connection between those two facts had seemed fairly straightforward until just now. The part that doesn't make sense is the fact that after we leave this restaurant we are apparently going to hit it off entirely. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but how a late night of music and booze and genuine affection manages to fall on that line, well, don't ask me. Yet.

When you're dwelling on moments that haven't happened yet, as I so often do these days, you'll find that you run into some problems with the one you're in. It makes it difficult to have a conversation. It's happening now. She's trailing off as if she thinks I'm not listening. But I am, in my way.

I change the subject. “Do you like music?” Just because I can’t rearrange the dominoes doesn't mean I can't push one over now and again.

“Yeah, who doesn't?” she asks, moving forward a bit in her chair. Is that one of those body language things? Does that mean I've interested her? Not that it really matters. But from there the conversation heats up and soon I know all sorts of things about her future. And then there's the food, then a cab, then her house, then music playing and then before I know it we’ve had a few too many drinks. Once again: dominoes.

It’s all a blur, in the worst, most cliché sense possible, and while we’re listening to an old record by some band that nobody remembers but us, I’m sitting there and something occurs to me. Am I really there at all, or am I still in the restaurant, having some sort of extra-intense vision of the future? I’m not even sure I’m really awake, because I don’t feel quite like I usually do. Something within me is at peace with the fact that the woman I’m with will never see me again and will die before her time, not only suffering but also surrounded by loved ones and crushed by the feeling that she is causing them to suffer as well. There’s a part of me that doesn’t care whether this is real or a fantasy or a vision or all three. I can’t even bring myself to care what was wrong with the Caesar salad. There had to have been something wrong with it. I could probably pore over the minute details and figure out just what it was. It might have been the dressing. Maybe it had chicken and I didn’t want any. Or it could have been the other way around. But I honestly don't care. Amy and I are lying on the couch together, taking in the music and enjoying the company.

After a while she speaks. “Rick,” she says. “Fix it.”

“What?” I ask. I can tell from her voice that something’s wrong.

“The record. It’s skipping,” she says, slurring the words.

“Not for me,” I mumble. I still can’t put my finger on it but there’s something very strange about her voice.

“Oh,” she says.

It takes that single syllable to realize what’s wrong: it’s singular. It’s a syllable that carries nothing with it but itself. Sound devoid of meaning. Like the repeating loop of the skipping record. The sound of her voice is literally like music to my ears. For this moment I hear her voice and there’s no cancer, no sitcom, no big break for her. There’s no future because time’s an illusion anyway. It’s like all of these connections are firing in my brain and I’m realizing things for the first time, and then—

It stops; it’s over.

Well, shit.

I get up and fix the needle. The song goes on. I know it by heart. “Listen, Amy,” I say. “I think I had better call it a night.”

She says some stuff and I say some stuff back but I don’t know what we say because my mouth is running on autopilot and I’m not hearing anything anymore, just seeing. I’m seeing the future again, the falling dominoes. I’m seeing her lying there and wondering why I left and why I’m not going to call her and why she can never see her kids graduate from high school and why her sitcom’s been canceled after what seemed like such a minor dip in the ratings. I wish I could give her an answer but somehow I doubt she’ll understand that it’s all because I wanted a small Caesar Salad and I got a large one instead.

copyright 2009 Thomas M Dickinson, Jr.