Not that it counts...

Shake IT Real Good

2015-07-21T16:57:00.000+01:00

From now on i'll stick to fist bumps.
No one has ever said i've done that too hard

I was at a BBQ a couple of weekends ago when someone complimented me on my handshake. I say complimented, I mean commented. This is the first time in my adult life that anyone has mentioned anything about my handshake. I've practiced with Chelsea before and she thought it was strong but then she has the most delicate and frail of mits so I can't take her too seriously. Or so I thought, to my peril.

Anyway at the BBQ, I shook hands with a guy. 'Woah, that's a strong shake' I might be paraphrasing but if so not much, he had a voice exactly like an excited Peter Kay, 'What do you do for a living?!' he exclaimed. Whilst I am in no way slim I am in also no way built, I have next to no muscles so the idea of me doing anything remotely physically challenging is laughable. 'IT' I responded. I'm not sure what he was expecting but he was shocked. He spread the word, loudly, and challenged another BBQ gooer to guess what I did from my handshake. The challenger was taller than me, i'm 6ft 2ish, and much larger than me. I didn't like the pressure. More than I didn't like the pressure i didn't like his response, 'IT' he said without even coming near me. He had pre-judged me by my beard and glasses. Of course he was right, but I didn't like it. Now I reflect on it I think it's actually less insulting that someone thinking I was going to have a weak handshake.

Shaking hands is something I think about a lot (if you hadn't guessed...). As a child I would go to various functions and shake hands with people and I assume I offered them the strongest hand a 9 year old can (heads out of the gutter). Responses would often be 'You need to work on that' etc. I didn't. I have done almost no work on it other than shaking hands with people and a few time as mentioned with Chelsea. I have however feared offering a limp wet hand when meeting someone. I never really trust those who offer these, it's like trying to shake hands with jelly. On the other hand (haha) I hate shaking hands with people who squeeze because I was under the impression I am fairly weak and I hate the feeling of bones crunching in my hand. Not sure anyone likes that?? And it's just a show of authority, I hope people don't think this is the reason I am accidentally strong. Often there is also the accidental finger hold. I'm not sure how this one starts but it ends with a firm grip around the fingers and not the palm, this is not comfortable physically or emotionally.

I hadn't thought much about the incident or subsequent shaking potential until today when I got another comment. 'That's a firm shake'.... how are you supposed to respond to this I wondered. I kinda smiled and showed her the way to the meeting room.

Championship Manger 97/98

2015-05-15T16:41:00.000+01:00

Thanks to my brilliantly genius friend I now have a downloaded version of Championship Manger 97/98. For those who know me, or have read my previous blog here, I'm a big fan of the Championship/Football Manger franchise. So this is a big deal.

1997 was a glorious year, I was 7 years old. Just started a new school and unlike most things 90's, football had hardly entered my conscience.I have subsequently found out that I had been put in a Tottenham shirt a few years previous, a sin I have yet to forgive my dad for. He doesn't even like football, except when it comes to the World Cup when he's knowledge and punditry challenges Gary Neville. Of Football I knew very little other than Baddiel and Skinner had just the summer before had a smash hit and that Man United was a team that I could see myself liking, I didn't predict the obsession. I came to like Utd through two routes. One was that my big brother was a Man United fan. I use the term was as he also doesn't like football now. He like millions (I guess) liked United in the 90's, influenced by friends and I was influenced by him. The second route was a 'playoff ' for my support, a prize worth winning more than the current Championship Playoff, i'm sure of it. Who was this other team that were vying for my loyalty, Chelsea? Arsenal? Spurs? No. Bradford. For some reason Bradford were trying to thrust themselves to me. I think it was to do with another computer game, ISS on the Super Nintendo, and Dean Windass but hey it wasn't meant to be. In a few month's time I would also declare, on video, that Steve Claridge was my favorite player and that I hated Chelsea. One of those are still true. Hint: Steve Claridge isn't even my favorite pundit on the Football League show.

I've selected the maximum three playable leagues, took 25 minute to set the game up but I have England, Spain and Italy. I have decided to give the season a go as Man Utd. In real life this was a poor season for the team, dropping an 11 point lead in the premiership race and getting knocked out in disappointingly early in the cup competitions. It was however the season before United reached the holy ground of the treble. Can I turn this team in to a formidable force. Probably not but it will be fun trying.

First job is to look and analysis the first team, which turns out to be the only team as there are no reserve or under 21's teams. This feature must comes in later, when im not sure. The team itself looks pretty good, only a few additions to the team that goes on to win the treble however it's still someway off. So I look to make some improvements. This turns out to be ridiculously difficult. Not only is the interface a bit challenging but no teams want to sell the top players, go figure, but no room for negotiation on Shearer, Zidane, Thuram etc.

Whilst i'm waiting for Yorke and Pires to decide their fate a host of other teams are cracking on. Chelsea have signed Deon Dublin (joint top scorer that season with 18) and Sheffield Wednesday sign Kieron Dyer. I decided to try some of the in game legends. First stop is an offer for Ibrimha Bakayoko a young striker from Montpellier who later played a few games for Everton.

The toughest part when looking to sign players, other than the cost and the fact no one wants to come to me, is the squad size. I have inherited a squad at maximum size 32 so I need to sell or release some. I release Terry Cooke, the board aren't best pleased. Not the cracking start I had imagined. I struggle to cut my squad quick enough so the Yorke deal falls through, whatever came of him anyway. Pires doesn't give me the chance to be dissapointed in my ability to sack players as he signs for Juventus instead. I decide that my squad is OK at the moment, seriously it's a choice I made, nothing to do with my failings in the market. A line taken from the Moyes era.

The games crashes. I spend 5 minutes trying to remember how to use the emulator. The game gets back just before I released Terry Cooke, I release Terry Cooke. Rinse and repeat with failings.

Whilst i'm not going to build on the squad now I do want to free up some space. I also take the opportunity to list; Clegg,Casper,Curtis,Brebner all of which in real life go on to achieve little in the game, lets see how they get on. I also list Brian McClair though whilst a legend he scored 0 goals the previous season and then 3,5,1 the seasons before that. He, for those who don't know is a striker. My team will need goalscorers and whilst he was a boy he scored at his age it was time to get new blood in.

I picked my team for the Charity Shield, a nostalgiafest of Schmeichel,Neville's, Irwin and Sheringham. Whilst selecting this squad I can tell that my squad actually does need enhancing, something that will have to wait until after the match. I select Keane as captain, Giggs as corner and Beckham on free kicks and penalties. We play the auto 4-4-2 with a 'passing style'. Not quite the in depth tactics that go on noawdays but it seems suffice. It starts off a dream as McClair puts me 1-0 up after 5 minutes. Maybe I should keep him.... 25 minutes in Keane makes it 2-0 and Chelsea are dealing with attack after attack, half time 2 up and looking good. I leave the team the same as it finished with the idea to make a sub midway through the 2nd half. I couldn't work out how to make a sub though so I continue as is, as does the match we come out comfortable winners. Roy Keane man of the match. The real United also won this game but they relied on penalties so i'll put myself ahead currently.

My first league game couldn't have started worse. Away at the Dell, Southampton, United often struggled there. Ostenstad and Hirst put them 2-0 at halftime. I change the formation to 4-3-3 and continue the 2nd half how I've started many 2nd halves on Championship Manager, miserable. For a second it gets better as McClair get's one back only for Hirst to grab a 2nd 2 minutes later. I then struggle to win 2-1 against Bolton, before drawing with Sheffield. In between I lose Henning Berg for what looks like most of the season. I then pull off a great win against Chelsea after going down to 10 men. I still can't seem to sell anyone so I let some players go. The board aren't too pleased (again)! I finally sign someone, Yorke, I pay well over the going market rate (I was desperate) who has a blinder in his debut bagging 2, a shame that we then ship 2 at the back to draw. My results were not inspiring the board, or my players or me to be honest.

A couple of decent results in the league and in Europe help ease some nerves but after 10 league games im 5 points off the leaders Arsenal.

So in good news it doesn't look likely that we will throw 11 points away but not sure that's much to brag about.

We get knocked out the FA cup in the 4th round to Arsenal who go on to win the cup in real life. In the 3rd round I beat Port Vale, Arsenal took penalties to beat them after a replay. I'll take some solace in that fact. I was however disappointing to go out of the league cup early to 'Boro. The league ticked along and we were 8 off the top.

Things were not going great so I consider it a possible blessing in disguise when my laptop charger point breaks and can't be fixed meaning the emulator and my disappointing season are consigned to the depths of history before they can play themselves out.

Back to 01/02 for me then.

Why I Love Woody Allen

2013-07-28T17:36:00.000+01:00

I wrote a piece about Woody Allen about a year ago but due to technical issues I managed to lose it so I have rehashed it from memory and added a bit more after being prompted by 'Woody Allen a Documentary' being shown on BBC1. I first saw this documentary in a very cool North London cinema, in a room of people who shared my passion for Allen and his work. This was a great and rare thing. Not many of my peers know who Allen is or what films he is responsible for. My mum isn't a fan so I grew up not knowing who he was and I feel a little let down by English and Drama teachers for not bringing him to my attention sooner.

My first encounter with Woody Allen was in the film "Antz" where he played the typical Woody Allen character (read neurotic) but as an ant. I wasn't aware of who Woody Allen was at the time, and wouldn't be aware for quite a few years, but I liked the character and I liked the film.I eventually 'found' Allen when I became very interested in stand up comedy and films and started researching 'the best ones' and his name was everywhere.

I love stand up comedy and Allen’s stand up is amongst the greatest. From quick one liners such as ‘I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My Grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch’. To rambling stories that build joke after joke to a hilarious end. Such as the famous ‘Moose’ joke below.

Then there are his films, the vast majority of which I could watch over and over again. His early films are silly, funny and full of physical humour as well as laden with jokes. Bananas is a story about a bumbling New York Jew (you might notice a recurring theme with this one) who somehow ends up running a South American country after a revolution. In Sleeper the main character goes in to an operation in the current day and wakes up a couple of thousand years in the future and has to hide dressed as a robot whist trying to get back to his own time. "Everything you want to know about sex* but where to afraid to ask" covers 7 segments based on a book by David Reuben in Allen's typical humour including sex from the point of view from the sperm. Whilst these are good films my favourite of Allen's funny and slapstick movies is "Take The Money and Run". Filmed in a mockumentry style, something that was relatively new and unused at the time, it follows the exploits of Virgil possibly the worst criminal of all time. It looks back in to his youth and numerous stints in jail and is endlessly quotable with lines such as "Food on the chain gang is scarce and not very nourishing. The men get one hot meal a day: a bowl of steam". As well as great interview scenes with Virgil's disguised parents and one of the most well known scenes from the film, the bank heist.

Although there a number of great slapsticks and silly films, Allen's best work both critically and personally are the thought provoking films that make you reflect on human nature, or side with one character or another's views. His masterpiece (a word often over used but not chosen lightly in this instance, but a choice of word that Allen would disagree with), is Annie Hall. The film tops the list of greatest films on a number of lists, and without too much thought, tops mine. I could watch this film on repeat until I died. It's effortlessly charming and although it was released in 1977 it is still a relevant portrayal of modern relationships. This film, as with a lot of Woody's, has helped me form a lot of my opinions and out look of life. The film opens with some of the best script ever, "There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at the Catskill Mountain resort, and one of 'em says: Boy the food at this place is terrible." The other one says " Yeah I know and such small portions". The monologue continues to discuss other thoughts on life such as " I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member". The film, at the time, stepped out of Allen's comfort zone and this film should be the bench mark for any romantic films. It goes on to look in-depth at the relationship between Alvy Singer ( a bumbling New York Jewish comedian) and Annie Hall a pretty and ditsy fun loving women, and analyses the reason for their break-up. The film isn't all serious and Allen shows his unquestionable talent for mixing the serious with the silly, and can handle a sad story with a lightness and realistic charm. The film is, whilst touching, also contains a number of great jokes such as 'My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks'.Or a very funny scene with cocaine. I've included a couple of my favourite scenes below for you.

There are other great films by Allen, and im sure I could lecture on these all day, but 'Manhattan' is another brilliant movie that pitches the romantic perfectly. Another talent of Allen's is the ability to, more often than not, gets the best out of the actors. Most Hollywood actors wants to work with Allen, and that is no small part to his directing ability, allowing the actors the freedom to run with and change the script, by trusting them the actors repay Allen by giving outstanding performances which have won a number of academy awards.

Woody Allen has made around one film per year since the 1960's, and as well as critical and box office hits, there have been a number of films that haven't been, lets say, as successful. Films such as 'Cassandra's Dream', 'Melinda and Melinda', 'Curse of the Jade Scorpion', and 'Whatever Works' might not be the most popular movies made, but they all have something positive about them and are often better than a lot of films that have been less criticised, although IMDB does rate them an average 6.5+ a lot of forums and reviews have been less kind. Curse of the Jade Scorpion is pretty funny, Cassandra's dream is tense, although some of the drama is undermined by some poor acting on occasions (some strange accents). Melinda and Melinda is another provoking film that shows two sides and views to the same story, and is one film for me personally, where Will Ferell is actually quite likeable. And Whatever Works, with Larry David, is a bit awkward and clunky at times, but is again funny, and makes you think. Not to mention, it has also has given me one of my mottos that I like to live by, 'Whatever Works'. One of my favourite things about Allen is that the next film is only just around the corner, and after times of unsuccessful films another very good film appears. Match Point, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Midnight in Paris and many more have all been described as 'return to form' films. He's had more 'return to forms' than most writers and directors could ever dream about having

The one thing a lot of people say about Allen is the controversy over his married life. He married his ex-partner's (Mia Farrow) adopted daughter Soon -Yi Preven. Now it sounds pretty bad however you dress it up, but I think it needs to be known that he didn't live with Farrow and Soon-Yi, Allen lived across the park and never had a father type of relationship with her. Not only is what happened legal but they have been together for over 20 years and that must count for something. Whatever you think of the story it shouldn't affect your views on his work. It does however lead to some incredible scenes in 'Husbands and Wives' which continued filming a few days after Mia had found out about the affair and includes a passionate break up scene by the two characters played by Allen and Farrow.

No other person, or at least celebrity has had an affect on my view of the world. There is something that he continues to say that just resonates with me and something that I just get with out any effort. His jokes and films are as relevant today as when they where filmed, and haven't seemed to age. If I was half as talented as he is I would be a happy man, or at the very least, far wealthier.

I have only touched on a few of Allen's movies and as I type "Blue Jasmine" has just had it's american release and to good reviews and a quick look at IMDB shows that he has already started filming his next one. At this rate it is going to take me a long time to get through the backlog but it will be fun. In the mean time I will leave you with a joke from Annie Hall....

My Trip to World War Z

2013-06-09T15:00:00.001+01:00

About two years ago I went to the Highland Games in Dunoon. On the way back home we decided to go in to Glasgow as I had heard that the film World War Z was being filmed in the town centre. We took a walk in to town and about a square mile had been turned in to somewhere in Philadelphia, Glasgow's roads are set out in grids and very much resembles the layout of American cities. I have never been to Philadelphia but from what I have seen, from movies which are actually probably filmed in Glasgow, it looked pretty similar. Anyway being around the sets was very exciting and with World War Z being released this month I thought I would share the pictures.

Lost in Conversion

2013-05-27T22:31:00.000+01:00

I recently spent a week in Tuscany. It was wonderful, the sights, the weather and damn the food was good. What was difficult was the language barrier. I have been able to get by in Germany and France and at a push I think I could make it through in Spain but Italy was to, paraphrase Ian Rush was like a foreign country to me.

I have never been shouted at, told off or caused so much confusion on any holiday ever. It all started off ok for the first couple of days and then unsuspectingly our hotelier went Basil Fawltey on us for not leaving our key at reception, even though we were never advised to and hadn't for the previous 2 days. So it came at quite a surprise when, in broken English, he started shouting 'This is a hotel not a castle' over and over again. I also got told off for taking photos in a museum, go figure. Buying bus tickets was also quite a quandary as you are supposed to buy them in shops and the bus driver won't check if you have one or sell you one. If the shops are shut, like they where on our last day at 7am you're screwed when you happen to be on the bus with a ticket inspector, as you guessed, we were the other day.

On the last evening we went for dinner and it was a goal of mine to eat steak Florentine. The menu arrived and steak was on the menu. Unfortunately they where selling it by the Kilogram. In fact 36 euros per KG. We couldn't work out how to work out how much steak I needed and after some confusing back and forth with the waitress I decided to order roast beef. She asked me how I would like it and suggested medium rare. About 10 minutes passed and the waitress brought out a raw steak and asked if it was ok for me? At this stage I felt that we had gone to far for me to say no, plus it was the biggest steak I have ever seen. A few minutes later the steak is in front of me and it still is the biggest steak I have ever seen and after a mouthful the best steak I have ever had. Incredibly panicked I start to sweat, literally, over how much this chunk of beef was going to cost me as it was the last night of the holiday money was tight and I had visions of calling my mum and asking her to bail me out...for steak. My rational side that they would never serve anyone more than a kilogram of meat but my irrational side was was thinking this is Italy and this is the biggest steak I have ever seen and could easily be £100. I finished and awaited for the bill to arrive. It takes a life time but eventually landed. I unfolded the paper; adrenaline pumping and sweating profusely (a combination of heat, meat sweats and anticipation of filing for bankruptcy) and after all that the whole bill came to less than 50 euros. That made the dinner taste even better!

So whilst we can't all learn Italian before a holiday we should be able to work out Kilos to oz or at the very least grams to £.

2012 Peados, Parties and Pageants

2012-12-31T19:08:00.000+00:00

I have been so busy the last few weeks I run out of time to write my blog about which songs make me hate Christmas. In a nutshell anything by Michael Buble, Elvis, Nat King Cole is good anything by Slade, the Pogues, Bob Geldof and the gang is not so good. The worst song being Mariah Fucking Carey 'All I want for Christmas'. Not only is this the worst Christmas song its quite possibly the worst song of ALL TIME. Any way with Christmas over, for this year not forever unfortunately, I wont have to listen to them again. Although Christmas does seem to start earlier and earlier every year, its 358 days until the next one and people already have their lights up!

As 2012 draws to a close we can reflect on what has been a crazy year. 2012 among other things has been the year of the celebritiy peado. It seems that everyone in 2012 who lived during the 70's is a peado, except Lord Mcalpine who is definitely not a peado. If your not a peado, you have covered up for one (or more) or written lists naming peados.

Those who weren't peado's were tax evaders. Google, Starbucks and Jimmy Carr to name but a few. But
everyone being a peado or tax evader didnt dampen the slightly right wing hysteria of 2012's summer though. Millions of Brits tuned in for shambolic and incredibly dull coverage of the Jubilee boat pageant. All was ok though as we were rewarded for watching this drivel by a duet of Will.i.am (not the prince the 'crazy' one from black eyed peas) and Stevie Wonder singing a slightly awkward Happy Birthday to the queen. To think that they cut off Rolf Harris for that! There where some highlights of the weekend, Miranda was definitely not one of them. Prince Philip was lucky to get struck down with illness.

Then National pride went through the roof when the Olympics came town, the sun was shining and cynicism levels where at an all time low. People whooped and cheered as Boris Johnson got stuck on a zip wire. Team GB (a nickname I grew to dislike quite quickly) won an incredible 65 medals. Less incredible when you consider that the average cost of each medal in terms of investment was about £4.5 million.It was exciting to unite as one in cheering on our heroes to win medals though and you cant put a price on that. Well if you did it would be about £4.5 millon. The Paralympics by comparison won 120 medals at the same time as people with disabilities face swinging cuts to welfare. George Osborne found out in rather amusing fashion that this was not a popular decision. The opening ceremony though was terrific and summed up Britain brilliantly, despite Paul Mccartney's presents. The closing ceremony wasn't quite as brilliant but just as eccentric and seemed to be a fitting send off. It was a shame that paralympics didn't have a similar finale. Due to financial reasons they clearly had to buy a band in bulk and they needed a safe pair of hands. Who has a bigger pair of safer hands and a larger back catalogue than the snoozefest Coldplay?

Then there was politics. In a year which saw the last season of 'The Thick Of It', fans need not worry as it seems that politics in 2012 and from now on has been and will be written by Annuchi and co. 2012 seemed to have it all; Pasty tax and the cringy down to earth efforts of politicians (not just Cameron),Pasty tax 2: this time its a U-turn, Plebgate and Gategate, We Bank, George Osborne on a train and my most disliked Michael Gove and my favourite of all Jeremy Hunt.

There was a lot that made me angry in 2012; that Kony 2012 video, #Yolo, Sande (the singer not the hurricane although that deserves a notable mention) nothing got me angrier than 50 shades of Grey for reasons that I will not go in too as my plan is to ignore it until a movie comes out then i'll get angry again. Until then i'll keep watching possibly two of my favourite videos from this year:

So as we tuck to bed the still drunk from the night before 2012 we welcome the new year 2013. It's got a lot to live up to which is worrying as it probably didnt plan much in the comfort that it thought the world would have ended by now. So goodbye 2012 im glad you came and just as glad you're leaving, all this fake national pride was making me nauseous. I leave you with the 2012 obligatory Emilie Sande song. So see you next year unless we all fall off the fiscal cliff....

King Of Spin

2012-11-29T20:18:00.000+00:00

I have just completed my first week working in head office for an internationally renowned gym. The job so far seems great, it has variety and all the people seem to be really nice. We are encouraged to use the gym as often as we can, free membership is a 'perk' of the job, classes are also held frequently and today I undertook my first one. Spinning! I have never Spun and rarely ride a bike.

I am essentially a fat man trapped inside a chubby man's body. For somebody who studied Sports Science I have, and always have had a lackadaisical approach to fitness. Even when coaching, playing and refereeing football, training 3 times a week and playing sport almost everyday I was unfit. My weakness is food. I love it and will eat a lot and often. Take away is my real vice and this, as mentioned before has made me quite chubby.

With this in mind I was apprehensive and wasn't put at ease when the trainer taking the session said he was going to kill us.

We entered the room; pitch black but with glow in the dark vinyls on the wall, rows of bikes all huddled around the bike in which the instructor will sit on. Obviously no one wanted to sit on in the front row so the guys, including myself sat on the second row and made ourselves comfy. Then in came the trainer and moved us forward. I was now sat only a few feet away and directly facing him and his rippling pecs, rock hard abs and HUGE arms.

The session itself started well, just when I thought I could handle it I found that the we had just completed the warm up and still had 40 minutes left. Things took a turn for the worst. The intensity rose and the sweat poured. I could have cried, three times. Fighting back tears and tightening of muscles I had to contend with trainer yelling orders such as 'ENGAGE CORE', I wanted to shout back 'I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS' but refrained from doing so instead I focused keeping my grip to the increasingly sweaty handle bars. At one stage I lost my glasses and had to continue cycling blind but as pointed out by the trainer, you don't need vision to static cycle in the dark.

Although I felt physically sick, sweated more than I have in my whole life, wanted to cry and full of cramp after it had finished I felt good and actually strangely enjoyed it but maybe not enough. If you like pain then this is for you but I think I will stick to yoga by which of course I mean sometimes stretching to reach the remote, by which I mean asking someone to pass me the remote.

Substandard blog on subtitled movies.

2012-11-15T22:24:00.001+00:00

This week I have decided to become cultured, the three films I watched this week have all been foreign movies and have all been subtitled!!

The first film I watched was : 'The Bicycle Thief'

'A man and his son search for a stolen bicycle vital for his job'. The tag line really sums this film up. Set in post war Rome Antonio Ricci has been struggling to get a job for a year before he is offered one putting up posters over town. At the time of being offered the position it is made clear that a bike is needed, Ricci recently pawned his bike and there is a mad panic as the family try and collect items around the house to be able to buy the bike back. On his first day of the job the bike is stolen and Ricci in his son Bruno frantically hunt all over the city to find it. This film is truly funny in places, with many heartbreaking moments. Bruno steals the show with a great performance of adorable humour.

Director: Vittorio De Sica
Cast: Antonio Ricci: Lamberto Maggiorani, Bruno Ricci: Enzo Staiola.

The next film I watched was : 'The Skin I Live In'

This film, whilst entertaining, is pretty screwed up. Genius and brilliant plastic surgeon Robert Ledgard (Banderas) has been working on synthetic skin that can withstand damage. He declares to the scientific community that he has been developing it on mice but in fact it is being developed on a women named Vera, who is being held against her will and is closely linked to the tragedy he would rather forget. The film is very entertaining but be aware there are some scenes that might be uncomfortable, it's definitely not a family film.

Director: Pedro Almodovar
Cast: Richard Ledgard: Antonio Banderas, Vera: Elena Anaya

My final toe dip in to the pond of the subtitle was : 'Downfall'

The film behind the YouTube parodies. The film centres round the final days of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party hidden out in his Berlin bunker. Germany are on the brink of defeat, Berlin surrounded by the Russians, Hitler is standing resolute proclaiming that the war can still be won and demanding that the soldiers continue to fight to the death. Himmler and Goering start working against Hitler which leads him to become paranoid and suicidally depressed. I enjoyed the movie but I felt it went on a little bit seeming as we all know the ending. Throughout watching this I also couldn't help thinking what must Bruno Ganz have said when approached to play Hitler. Surely 'It's the part I was born to play' would have been too much in this circumstance.

Director : Oliver Hirschbiegel
Cast : Adolf Hitler: Bruno Ganz, Joeseph Goebbels: Ulrich Matthes, Eva Braun: Juliane Kohler

Champion Manager: 6 Who Never Made It

2012-11-02T21:19:00.001+00:00

I love Football Manager, to say it consumes most of my life wouldn't be overstating it. Quite often my thoughts will wander; who shall my next signing be, who's under performing, which contracts need negotiating soon. Then there's the imaginary press conferences whilst in the bathroom or on the bus, in my head of course. If I dedicated as much time to my 'real' life a I did the game I would probably be far more successful if not the Premier Leagues youngest manager.

It's a game I've been in love with for a while, it started out when I must have been about 10 years old. Me and my old friend Dean would spend hours playing as all the glorious teams; Man Utd, Real Madrid, the Milan teams winning all the top trophies with the worlds best players. I went on to play a number of management simulators on PC or PlayStation, some of them where pretty good, LMA Manger-the one with Martin O'neil on the front- some where pretty awful- UEFA Champions League 2003. The modern games are very good but nothing can stop me coming back to play Championship Manager 2000/01 and 2001/02. Partly due to nostalgia but mostly they really are good games. The main dashboard is in-depth allowing you to perform a number of tasks but is far less complicated than modern screens. For the tinkermen, and women, amongst you there is plenty you can change with tactics too. The game really became an obsession when I came to be friends with my now brother in law. Hours would turn in to nights, serious all nighters have been held on many an occasion, and nights would turn in to weeks. Many a beer would be drunk and many a cigarette smoked trying to get one over each other. I think he probably leads overall much to my dismay. As I touched on the game has many great players in the peaks of their powers; Figo,Vieri, Zidane etc and as the seasons go on Ronaldinho and the up and coming gang get better and better.

But then there are those players who where great assets on the game. Players we would rush to sign as soon as possible. Players who would guarantee clean sheets or if used right bag you 30+ goals a season. For most of these players life didn't turn out quite the way it did for them on many a CM season. Players who instead of winning the European Cup are plasterers or just always consigned to the lower leagues. These are the players I owe a lot to, or hold responsible for wasting hours of my life and not my not reaching my own potential, but lets keep positive.

Gareth Laws: A fresh faced, I assume I actually have no idea what he looks like, 19 year old striker plying his trade in the Torquay reserves. Most of his stats are hidden except his finishing which at the start of the game is 18, usually goes on to reach top marks (20). My aforementioned brother in law, Dan, signs him near on all the time and turns him in to one of the Premier Leagues deadliest strikers. He will get goals and help win trophies. In real life his playing career never quite reached the heights that he does so frequently on the game. He never even played a game for Torquay but he is now, after playing at a very low non league level, back with Torquay working with the youth team after becoming a qualified physio.

Eifion Williams: A name that might be remembered amongst some of you league football fans. He racked up over 300 league appearances. He played at Wembley, scored in a Champions League game and twice broke a clubs transfer fee to sign for them, but on CM2000 he is another potential world class striker. He starts the game at Torquay, they have a few decent players on the game, and can go on to be top European striker. He retired in 2007 but came out of retirement to play non-league for Jarrow Town. He now works with Hartlepools Youth Offending Service.

Taribo West: His real life career started brightly, 73 games at Auxerre earned him a move to Inter Milan before he jumped across the city to AC Milan. The game starts with West out of contract, he will sign for almost any team you are no matter what league you are in. He will come in a do a great job at almost any level. Given time he will shore up even a top teams defence at home and in Europe. After leaving Milan, real life, he spent a year at Derby then Kaiserslautern, two seasons at Partizan, Al-Arabi Doha, then one season at each of Plymouth, Julius Berger and Paykan. There was a strange ending to West's career when he claimed to sign for Xerez but three days later the president flat out refused the rumour leaving many confused. He racked up many international caps and even won the Olympics! But could have achieved a whole lot more according to CM.

Tó Madeira: A Portuguese striker who one of my scouts uncovered. The complete forward for me who scored bags of goals and attributed plenty of assists. Even better he was cheap and young! His real life career never got of the ground and this was the last game he featured on. The reason for this is he wasn't real. He was created by on of the CM scouts, more specifically a chap named Antonio Lopez. His career was cut short by his studies, his task for CM was to gather information for a Portuguese team named Gouveia, a team he represented at youth level. He decided to write himself in to the history books and achieve all that he missed out on and the name, well he enjoyed going on holiday To Madeira.

Jonas Lunden: This classy centre midfielder becomes a staple in most if not all my CM teams. My teams play everything through him, he can set up or score goals and can normally be bought on the cheap. Jonas has retired now, only 31, after playing a number of games for IFK Goteborg, IF Elfsborg and GAIS. Unlike the game he only played 6 games for Sweden U21 and 1 full cap. Graduated from the incredible CM Sweden U21 team.

Maxim Tsigalko: The best young striker in the game, soon to become the best striker in the game regardless of age. This man can score. Guaranteed to score 25+ every season. Normally can be bought for only £1 million as well from Dinamo Minsk. He is on of my favourite CM players as he will score if you play him up from by himself, with a partner or as part of a top three. Now 29 and retired Maxim is another one who reached his CM potential. He played for a number of Belarusian teams but not all is lost as he has won Belarusian league and cup whilst also scoring in 1 of his 2 international caps. Unfortunately having a small amount of international appearances made a work permit to the UK all but impossible.

So that's my shortlist of my favourite CM players who never lived up to their in game potential. Maybe the game set them up for falls by getting the stats way off maybe they did have this great potential and like Mads Timm, everyone must remember him due to the name, disciplinary, injury and lack of motivation stopped them from achieving. There are hundreds more so feel free to discuss where your favourite CM players have ended up. And remember we all owe them a lot of happy memories.

The Real Dark Knight Rises

2012-09-15T16:03:00.000+01:00

Does this look like my bollocking face?

The Thick Of It returned last week and although the first episode was good this is the week that I and I assume most fans have been waiting for the return of the angriest man in Scotland.

For those who have never seen the show do so now, it's on netflix, its a political satire that follows the fictional Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. A department that is almost as pointless as it sounds and just as hapless. The party; a Labour type party, although none of the parties names are mentioned and neither is the PM, is enforced by Malcom 'don't call me a bully im so much worse than that' Tucker. The very first scene see's Tucker dressing down a minister in a callous, conniving and aggressive way that paves the feel for the rest of the episodes.

The characters are brilliantly cast from the 'elderly aid' Glen Cullen to the annoyingly slimy Olly they all add their own agenda to policies and sum up party politics well. There are enough smaller roles to keep things fresh and offer different perspectives too. The superb Steve Fleming and the 'Bald pussy' Julius Nicholson add another layer to story lines and give Malcom and co true opponents. Let's not forget about the other scary Scotsman Jamie.

The show has a claustrophobic feel throughout, scenes filmed with three people crammed in to a back of car or minsters hiding in a larder gives the show an uncomfortable edge adding extra pressure on the characters which provides some great comedic moments.

My favourite thing about the show is the dialogue. The script is thick, full, fast and incredibly sweary. Lines such as 'He's about as much use as a marzipan dildo' or 'How much fucking shit is on the menu and what fucking flavour is it? Will have you in stitches over and over again.

The best of Malcom Tucker

This season see's the coalition in power with the hilarious Peter Manion pulling in one direction and his lib dem partner pulling in the other making sure nothing gets accomplished, sound familiar? With these two in power it means that Tucker has no real political power at all and there is nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal.

I could write a whole essay on TTOI but I wanted to keep it short so I will leave you with some advise. If you haven't seen the show yet do it now and if you have brace yourself for the return of the omnishambles and the Caledonian Mafia.

Fuckety Bye

Podium or Pedestals

2012-08-14T22:05:00.002+01:00

I wanted to be cynical about the Olympics from the start I really did. Things weren't looking good for a while. The recession started at an annoying time to say the least putting pressure on the budget. After the Olympics would have been much better timing. Then amongst other things we had the G4S security cock up and the ticket farce. After hearing about the sheep and hills planned in the opening ceremony I was getting ready to mock. Then things turned out to be brilliant. The opening ceremony was an incredible mixture of all things British. Humour, music and best of all how well we made all the athletes queue in the proper British way when coming out in to the park for the two hour snoozefest. It was a great start and things only got better. Medals coming from the off, albeit the gold took a while to come but once they did they didn't stop. There was plenty of excitement during the way. Gemma Gibbons came from nowhere to produce an en-capturing performance to grab silver. Peter Wilson in the shooting won a dramatic gold. Greg Rutherford produced a stunning victory in the long jump and of course no one will forget the names of Jessica Ennis and the loveable Mo Farrah. Heroes we all cheer. Well not really.

We/me/you/I/media have put all these athletes on pedestals over the past 18 days and will continue to do so for a long time. Why? Because they can run, jump, cycle and shag better than the rest of us? People assume that athletes do not earn decent money and whilst this is true for a number of participants i.e Hamadou Djibo Issake who had never stepped in an Olympic standard boat until he arrived in London! The same can't be said for Ennis and co. Ennis for example earned an estimated 700k last year and that's before the Olympics. This year she's expected to make 1 million pounds before doubling that the year after! I saw a tweet that said should our bankers be like our Olympians, initially I said no but if they can double their earnings year after year then maybe they should be. Maybe they already are more similar than we think.

This time round the British athletes have handled themselves well, but why should we be surprised by this. We're surprised by the fact that these adults can behave themselves and act responsibly. We shouldn't really be comparing them to footballers as it is not a fair comparison for either athlete.

Now don't get me wrong I have enjoyed the Olympics. I have watched copious amounts of sports, some which I have never seen before and will in all honesty not see for another 4 years but the atmosphere has been great. Around London and the Olympic park the atmosphere has been great and hopefully it will continue.

So with all these Olympians becoming house hold names have an ever increasing reputation as well as bank balance what about the Paralympians. How many of us could name of these athletes that have had to come through adversity to succeed. One name springs to mind and I assume you have heard of him - Oscar Pistorius. 'The Blade Runner' is doing well to make these athletes better known and more watched but what about British athletes? How many of us know who Chris Holmes is? He has a whole paragraph on Wikipedia. This is an athlete who is one of Britain's most successful Olympians winning 9 golds, 5 silvers and a bronze. Now he is an MBE but Chris Hoy has been knighted for winning 7 medals. Add to this the number of sponsorship deals and general funding and the able body Olympians are in a much better position. Whilst researching this blog, yes I do research, I have found out that the Royal Mail wont be commissioning stamps for the athletes that get gold. Now if this is true and remains in place this is a joke. In fact reading this has made me furious. Its a disgrace and actually makes a point of separating the two events. It's bad enough that many coaches and athletes receive very little funding, if any, often having to self-fund. They have had to over come many setbacks and difficulties to perform at these games and im not sure they are getting the best deal from them. In an ideal world there would be no Olympics and Paralympics. For me it would be just the Olympics. The schedule would read the Men's 100m sprint and then, Men's 100m parallel sprint. This is a logistic difficulty, apparently but I think this would allow disabled Olympians the chance to perform in front of 80,000 fans as well as being part of the actual Olympics. And it would be almost impossible to exclude the disabled athletes from stamps and presumably post boxes and having to be covered by channel 4.

Whilst this is not going to happen any time soon we can revel in the fact that this Paralympics is going to be the biggest and most watched ever. This is what I believe should be the Olympic legacy. If we can inspire a generation to take part and watch the parallel games then the last few weeks would have been a success and give us as a nation something to aim towards. Maybe even a more inclusive event.

My Dark Secret

2012-06-29T00:03:00.000+01:00

My Girlfr

My Girlfriend has recently added spray tanning to her business. I have always supported her in her endeavours and have had many nail treatments to allow her practice. Nails are one thing. They are easy to put on, maybe a but time consuming but OK, and more importantly easy to take off. I had no intention of letting her practice spray tanning on me. I have never gone out of my way to sun bathe and never actively sought a tan. Neither have I found tanned people more attractive than pale. So to my surprise not only did give in and get a tan I LOVE IT! A lot of people have commented and the comments have mainly been positive. I look healthier and even more awake! I still loathe myself for feeling this way but at least when I look at myself in the mirror I see a perfectly tanned face looking back. I might even top it up when it fades, in about a weeks time or so.

With this comes a danger though. This morning I looked in the mirror and thought my tan had faded already. Strangely I thought this was a problem and was discussing getting it topped up. I don't know what's come over me. In a matter of days I have gone from being happy pale to a spray tan addict. I can see a very dark future, no pun intended, surely as I get more accustomed to having golden skin the less of an effect it will have on me. Soon the complements will stop. Soon people will just be 'there goes Josh, he wears fake tan you know'. No 'Josh the tan is looking good'. All the positive feelings will drain and there is only one option to solve this...more tan and darker.

I can see how people like Dale Winton get so orange. You don't just wake up and say 'right I want to be orange', it's a slow build up that almost goes unnoticed over years. I feel I'm in the most terrible of Greek tragedies where I can see my own destiny; a life dedicated to spray tan and there is little I can do about it. Surely I should stop whilst im a head, I've had a good run, end the problem before it starts, if you have said this you have never had a spray tan. On the other hand I shouldn't listen to the complements or care what others thought about my appearance but then I wouldn't be human. practice spray tanning on me. I have never gone out of my way to sun bathe and never actively sought a tan. Neither have I found tanned people more attractive than pale. So to my surprise not only did give in and get a tan I LOVE IT! A lot of people have commented and the comments have mainly been positive. I look healthier and even more awake! I still loathe myself for feeling this way but at least when I look at myself in the mirror I see a perfectly tanned face looking back. I might even top it up when it fades, in about a weeks time or so.

I can see how people like Dale Winton get so orange. You don't just wake up and say 'right I want to be orange', it's a slow build up r

My Afternoon With Scientologists

2012-05-29T21:10:00.000+01:00

The invite that sparked my curiosity

Most of us in the secular world have been exposed, to some degree, through media, school and day to day life to mainstream religions. Most of us can recite parables passed on by Jesus or give a brief overview of Passover, but how many of us know about religions that aren't taught in schools or presented negatively by the mainstream media? Scientology falls into both these categories and, as such, I would be the first to admit that my knowledge on the area is slim. What I do know has been pieced together from hearsay and what I have read in the papers and, as previously mentioned, the reviews have not been too kind. I didn’t realise that, not only is Scientology alive in the UK it is also, maybe more surprisingly alive in Dorset.

My adventure started when my girlfriend brought home a slip offering 'Free Scientometric Testing' at our local Scientology offices. I was slightly curious and the events that occurred later that evening helped make my mind up on whether I should accept the invite; I tweeted a picture of the invite and was interested to hear that one of my friends had done the test some time ago, saying I should reject the opportunity for fear of 'brainwashing'. How serious she was on this point I'm still unsure but brainwashing seemed to be a common worry from a lot of people. Still searching for unbiased accounts of Scientology I tweeted Jon Ronson, more in hope than actually receiving a response, asking the best place to find unbiased information on the religion. He stated that it was almost impossible to find unbiased accounts as you 'either believe Hubbard was the great man they say or you believe he was a fantasist'. After a bit of back and forth we decided to put a vote to twitter to determine if I should go; The reaction was phenomenal. I received around 50 responses ranging from people seeming quite nonchalant about the whole thing offering a casual 'YES' to the not quite so casual 'No bloody way! Absolutely not!.' Those anti my attendance cited reasons such as brainwashing, if I considered myself susceptible then I needed to stay away. I didn't consider myself susceptible but then one doesn't really know this until tested. The flurry on twitter also resulted in (cue massive name drop) a following from Louis Theroux!

The response from tweeters also confirmed that most people's 'knowledge' in the subject is, like mine, made up from various unreliable sources. There where mentions of lizards from space, Thetans from Naboo and Xenu. These do sound absurd when mentioned in the cold light of day but then so does most theology of mainstream religion. I was starting to wonder if the only difference between accepted mainstream religion and Scientology was time; how would Scientology be viewed in 2000 years?

After the twitter exploits I decided to give them a call. My first impression over the phone was very positive; the lady I spoke to was incredible polite, even complementing me on my name and didn't seem to mind at all that my knowledge of the subject was pretty poor. We arranged a date for the following Saturday.

The building was unassuming, I was expecting a grandiose manor like a lot of the pictures I have seen. In fact the building was so unassuming I was stood outside of it for 15 minutes before realising. Both inside and out a standard office block which remained quite unspectacular as I entered the corridor. Red, white and blue bunting ready hung ready for jubilee weekend and a notice board arranging incredibly mundane events such as afternoon tea. It wasn't quite what I was expecting.

I went through to the testing room and the whole place was transformed into something aligned more closely with my preconceptions. There was a huge bronze bust of L. Ron Hubbard manning the door as you enter, charts decorating the otherwise plain walls, a desk with flash computer on it and a chair for the host. A widescreen TV with a DVD player were nestled in one corner accompanied by a beaten leather sofa and giant trophies were stacked up on top of bookshelves filled with books written by Hubbard himself. I was shown to a table surrounded by more books and more charts. Also mounted high on the wall was a huge plaque with the motif: 'Golden Age of Knowledge', featuring some curious symbols; a pyramid, something that looked like a microphone and a couple of triangles with what looks like a snake wrapped between them. I understand the pyramid and possibly the microphones but the triangle-snake thing is still lost on me. I was passed a form requesting my details, at first I was hesitant; I didn't see the need to fill in my address and home phone number but was put at ease after she told me that I could just put email address if I liked. The next form is called an 'Oxford Capacity Analysis' and is made up of around 60 questions with the choice of 'Agree, Disagree or Not sure'. The questions ranged from the obvious 'Do you like to control situations' to the less obvious 'Do you like children' - apparently asking about the relevance of the latter question highlights some of my inner issues. After I worked my way through some confusing questions littered with double negatives I was asked if I would like to take part in an IQ test, which I happily agreed to do. The IQ test again contained 60 multiple choice questions. I haven't done an IQ test for many years and I am well aware of their faults but this test did seem particularly easy. Questions such as 'Which is the odd one out; A) up and down B) near and far C) wet and dry D) lazy and slow. Now, I'm not a genius but I did find this test quite easy although a few maths questions did throw me. I ran out of time as well, I’m sure she moved the clock around because that half and hour flew by.

Then the results... I was taken in to a room that had more Scientology paraphernalia and sat down at the desk. Surprisingly both our chairs was the same; I expected her chair to be higher and of much better quality, as is usually the case in this scenario. We discussed the IQ test results unsurprisingly, due to the ease of the test, I achieved an above average score. She was incredibly flattering about this, similarly with my personality test results. According to the test I am stable, confident, aggressive (a good thing in the Scientology world) and quite responsible. So far, so good. Then we discussed the negative parts of my test; this would determine the best introduction course for me to attend to help me achieve my goals. My happiness was below average ,something she would like to target for improvement. She reasoned that I was an over thinker, analysing everything and leading me to over think negative situations. Therefore my course would be tailored to ‘free up my thinking’. The test also stated that I have trust issues and that I can often be withdrawn, A result that she claims to have predicted as I seemed wary to give anything away to her. I assume she had judged this on my reluctance to give my house address (I just didn't want spam mail), possibly over-analysing on her behalf. I was also labelled as overly critical of things. The test highlighted my wavering happiness and lack of trust as something that needs to be addressed instantly.

Although a lot of the things she and the test stated seemed true to me, I think they would have applied to most people. The wording of some of the questions will make it impossible for anyone to have every point in the 'Acceptable under perfect conditions' and she did spend a lot of time fishing for more information, like a clairvoyant. After inaccurately implying that I ‘must have suffered a terrible loss‘, when I informed her I had not, she proposed that I was withdrawn and not properly in touch with my emotions (something she would help resolve). Even when focusing on my negative points she remained very flattering.

After we discussed my results I took it upon myself to ask some more pressing questions; I asked about the human race originating from another planet and about lizards and Xenu. She denied all of these similarly to how a priest would respond to questions about the reality of the Da Vinci Code. Of course you would expect denial to the slightly stranger practises of their religion however mainstream religions hammer home the stranger parts of their religion as it is generally what makes them unique. What would she have to gain from covering up huge parts of the religion? She was adamant that this is not a belief of Scientology and 'unless they tell you on your 21st anniversary about these things', it would remain that way. She believes that tales of Lizards and Aliens come from people who are vaguely aware of Hubbard's science fiction work and have confused these stories with actual Scientology beliefs. She believes that certain corporations have an agenda against them; spreading these stories to discredit anything Scientologists have to say. When I asked about the type of companies; the blunt answer was pharmaceutical. She continued to explain the reason these companies have an agenda against them is because Scientologists are firmly believe that drugs, such as anti-depressants, do not fix the root of a problem and encourage people to try their training methods, thereby reducing consumption of pharmaceutical products. She became quite animated when telling me about a baby that was on Prozac, also giving Kurt Kobain tragic tale as an example of why children shouldn't be on Ritalin . Scientologists believe that counselling and lectures can really solve health problems, as opposed to treating them with drugs.

There is a spiritual element to the religion, there tends to be an emphasis on the eternal soul, when I explained that I am not in the least bit spiritual she was quick to state that Scientology is interdenominational. They have Muslims, Jews, Atheists all taking part and she was herself a Christian. Neither do you have to declare yourself a Scientologist to study and there is no converting or initiation. I had heard previously that once you are 'in' then you are not to socialise with 'outsiders' and she again dismissed this a rumour.

We then discussed the charts. A huge sun bleached chart hung next to the doorway of the test room, the chart is made up of a number of levels which are known as the bridges. The whole process is known as the 'Bridge to total Freedom' and contrary to popular conception, you do not have to pay to cross the bridge or to move up the levels and donations are asked for but there is no minimum payment. The chart itself has the snappy title of 'Classification, Gradation and Awareness Chart'. The left hand side of the chart was the 'training' section, showing courses and seminars aimed at giving you the tools to help you up the 'Processing' side of the chart. The idea is that section 1 of the training is completed before moving on to the processing and it is encouraged to help train others up the scale. The ultimate reward is reaching the top of the chart or 'Clear'. With phrases such as ‘Clear of the reactive mind’ you can see how some people might think brainwashing is involved. I asked what happens when you reach the top ,her response was a slightly hesitant; 'You fall off again?'. She wasn't sure. This is what I find fascinating about Scientology, you can see the chart and what you need to do to progress; the chart is filled with buzz words that sounds alluring but don't really mean much. Nobody really knows what's at the top unless you have been there. If you haven't been to the next level you don't know what's around the corner and this is intriguing. Her joke that they might teach you something different after 21 years could actually be a reality. She wouldn't confirm how much she had donated or at least what the average donation was. What was clear is that after 20 years of invested time and money, she knows as little as I do about what is around the corner. I asked her what level she was at and it turns out this isn't something that is spoken about at any level. She did later go on to say that someone would expect after 25/30 years to be about half way up the chart. So I suspect many people don't make it to the top but that doesn't seem to be the point. The point she made is all about self improvement both emotionally and mentally, she has claimed to have improved her IQ by 40 points since the beginning, and for some people this support network can prove to be very useful.

I would be naive to think that her flattery was personal and was because she liked me; although I think she did. She used to be a sales executive before working full time for the church and she sold the brand very well. She was well versed in the rhetoric of the church and stuck to the party line strongly. Is that a bad thing? She is very passionate about the church and it has helped her through some tough emotional times and she personally has helped many troubled people (drug addicts and people who have suffered various forms of abuse). It would also be naive to believe that stories of insubordination at higher levels does not have some truth. I can see why companies might have an agenda against them; the religion is growing, the number of participants has doubled since 2004. Possibly growing in power, most people know about their influence in Hollywood and this can lead to the question of how long until Scientologists become able to influence politics? This is where the pharmaceutical companies and many others, could be potentially threatened.

Overall my time was rather underwhelming; the building didn't have much of an effect, there was no revealing of aliens or lizards, no brainwashing attempts, no hard sell of Hubbard's books and no 'strange' people. She was very helpful, kind and open to my thoughts, ideas and questions.

It's easy to be critical of all religions, including Scientology but when doing so maybe we should be a bit more rational in our arguments, that said I have only met the one Scientologist so who knows. She could have been lying to me completely to get me on side; the rumours of crazy ongoings at a higher level might be true but when does one stop being objective and start being sceptical for sceptic sake?

The one thing that I can confirm was true is she was incredibly welcoming and nice to me and that in itself deserves some respect.

Im losing my FAvourite Game

2012-05-07T21:50:00.001+01:00

This weekend we saw Chelsea win the FA Cup (again). The final was surprisingly good, the 2nd half anyway. We have become used to drab affairs with neither team wanting to lose as opposed to both going out to win. The score lines are always tight, in fact you have to go back to 2003/04 to get a winner by more than one goal and that was Man utd v Millwall, so not too surprising. In recent memory and with help of Wikipedia the most open cup final and the most entertaining was Liverpool vs West ham that was 3-3. This was truly a great match with both teams playing end to end stuff and some great goals for good measure, these games are hardly the norm. Now its not the FA's fault that these games are tight cagey affairs and my proposals will not make the final any more open or teams less afraid to lose them but it would (I believe) add more to a tournament that seems to be losing it audience every year.

FA Cup final day used to be one of favourite days of the year. Waking up to watch coverage of the great finals of previous years. Seeing the likes of Alan Sunderland slot home late to finally kill off a resilient Man utd side. Or Cantona scoring in the 85th minute against Liverpool, sorry for the utd bias. It was great to see the route of the two finalists, see who they beat in the 3rd round and their form coming in to the final. Of course this is still available to view before a game and coverage can start when you wake up providing you get out of bed around 2pm. This the is first problem the FA should address. Move it to 3pm! The reason for the 5o'clock kick off is for 'commercial reasons'. The FA Cup will still be premium advertising no matter what the kick off time. 3o'clock on a Saturday is when the game is supposed to be played. Its tradition, its a way of life. Moving for 'commercial reasons' might increase value to the FA but instantly knocks off value for those who used to cherish the tournament.

I touched on the fact that the game should be played on Saturday, luckily this hasn't changed yet, but this should be a Saturday after the season has finished. It's the season curtain closer. All has been settled in the league, now for one last domestic swan song of the year. Who can afford to care about the final if they are travelling to watch their own team or their team is playing tomorrow. If the league is settled on the same weekend as the FA Cup who is going to dominate the papers? The answer this season being City. It's not giving the final a chance and by the FA's logic this is surely making it less commercial.

Semi-finals. Teams have done well to reach them and they are only one game away from reaching the promised land of Wembley. That's how it used to be anyway. Anyone and everyone has played at Wembley now. No longer is it just a pitch for finalists; its a pitch for the also rans, those who weren't quite good enough. It should be for those who deserve to tread the hallowed turf. It should be a truly humbling experience for the captain to walk his brave soldiers to face battle in front of 90000 people, they shouldn't have done the same thing two weeks ago. If the FA Cup has lost its sense of occasion then surely changing this would help claw some back.

My final point may be some what controversial given the fact my first two are hardly unheard of ideas. I think the winner of the FA Cup should have allocated a Champions league place. A position amongst Europe's elite for one of England's elite. If a team finish 4th every year and do not win a trophy (Arsenal) then how can they demand a spot in the league? Perhaps if a team that wins the trophy finish higher than 3rd or wins the Champions league then the entrance can be passed to 4th place. This would encourage teams to take the FA Cup seriously at all round and think twice before playing such an experimental team. As well as rewarding those such as Portsmouth FC with a treat in to ground normally fiercely guarded by the 'big four' thus distributing the wealth that comes with the European ground more equally.

These are just 3 ideas that could re-capture the draw of the FA Cup and get teams as well as fans' interest again. Its time the FA gave the cup the credibility it deserves and whatever you do, don't get me started on corporate seats.....

Goal line technology- which side of the are you on?

2012-04-15T21:42:00.001+01:00

It's a debate that will not go away. Even after FIFA and UEFA inevitably bow to media pressure and bring it in, the debate will continue.

Most managers, players, media people and all round football fans are in agreement that the sooner goal line technology is bought in the better. Well I disagree. My decision has nothing to do with the team I support, granted they usually get the benefit of doubt but I also support England who have both benefited from and been on the wrong end of contentious goal decisions.

People look to rugby, cricket, tennis, NFL as well as a host of other sports to show the plus side for camera technology but football couldn't benefit from such review systems as these decisions are made when the game is in stoppage, something that can take minutes to happen in football.

So next time you look for the 4th official to view the game on the monitor and let the referee know if the ball has crossed the line. This will only work if the 4th official has a good camera angle and considering those at home are not always sure this could take time which as discussed just doesn't and can't happen in football. Plus if the 4th official can let the ref know then why not have the 4th official referee the game from the sidelines? Or why not get robots to officiate? So every decision is 100% correct although as I'm sure you are aware football is a game governed by laws and therefore are open to a certain levels of interpretation, which as far as I'm aware is an ability robots have not yet got.

The last "suitable" idea is something they have been working on for a while, a chip in the ball that lets the ref know if the ball has crossed the line. Although at the moment this has proven both expensive and not 100% reliable.

Human error is a huge part of the game, a defender slipping or striker missing an open goal, what's wrong with an official making a mistake? Adds to the debate we all love to have.

My proposal is have better trained officials with a better relegation/promotion system for them. There would also be more to chose from if we had a better respect campaign but thats a different thing all together.

After all football is one of the few games that is the same at grass root level and I think that is what makes the beautiful game so.

Josh :)

Hello again...Its been a while

2012-04-14T20:08:00.000+01:00

Hi Guys

Long time no blog.

After nearly 3 years out I have decided to get back on the game so to speak.

In the coming weeks, months and years I will be reviewing; news, sports, food, travel and anything else that takes my fancy. I would love you to join the journey and see where we end up. I'll try and make sure that I do a better job than last time although no promises.

But if we look back at my last blog we can see not much has changed. Depression is still hidden deep in football and still a taboo, even after the recent tragedy of Gary Speed. Carlos Tevez is still causing controversy in football after playing for Man City after being told he would never play again, fingers crossed his goals do not help city to the title!

Also due to finances im still pretty much on cous-cous, occasionally being able to east other delights, hopefully these will feature heavily in future blogs.

Anyway im off to jazz this blog page up a bit, things have changed in 3 years but I shall return.

Speak Soon

Josh :)

Planes, Trains and Sporting meals

2009-11-16T18:17:00.000+00:00

Hi Readers

Welcome to my blog, a sideways view on sport, looking at the irreverent weird and the interesting story's both on and off the field.

But firstly I would like to send my wishes to Robert Enke's friends and more importantly his family after their tragic loss. I do not know much about Enke or what he was going through but from my point of view the club, the national FA and FIFA all could have played a better part in making sure a tragedy like this didn't happen, or at the very least make sure it doesn't happen again. It's about time that depression, as well as other problems sportsman and women suffer, should be made easier to talk about and less of a taboo and maybe we could not just prevent fatalities but enhance the lives being lived.

So that brings me to the barmy world that is football, in a week in which Carlos Tevez announced that football has saturated him, even though he is 24? And that he might retire after the world cup!!! I read another article the other day that claimed Frank Lampard had injured himself whilst flying over to Qtar. As the plane was to cramped causing injury to his thigh, this got me thinking about the best excuses for being injured.

Santiago Canizares, the former Valencia goal keeper and in 2002 one of the best goal keepers in the world. Missed the world cup due to his safe pair of hands failing him, when he dropped a bottle of perfume on his foot and slice a tendon, ruling him out for 2 months!! David James, current england number one had to miss a few games back in 1996 after getting a RSI in his thumb from playing computer games no stop, let that be a lesson to you! Leroy lita damaged a muscle stretching after waking up. And no injury list would be complete without Kieron Dyer, who other than missing most games due to hamstring, thigh, ankle ect missed 2 weeks out after running in to a pole with his eye at training, well done their Kieron. Although Franks injury claim was dismissed it made for an interesting insert.

This week of internationals allowed me to go and watch our budding young talent at Wembley, although I was far from impressed with our average performance. And for those who think our future was looking good, i wouldn't hold your breath. As only 4 of the team ply their trade in the premiership and they aren't too
regular. This is the lowest amount of non premiership players in years and other than Theo Walcott and Wayne Rooney no one has progressed in to the first team for a long time. So in between worrying about our bleak future, watching the Mexican wave come slowly towards us, filling the stadium with a immediate future hope, that unlike the england team we would achieve something and make it multiple times round the magnificent coliseum. Alas this was ruined by someone throwing pop corn in the air YES POP CORN. When has that become an acceptable snack at football? I must admit that i was eating cous- cous, times are tough, we survive but to indulge in Chili dogs and pop corn not in my utopia we wont! With people like Ian Wright claiming that foreign players are ruining our game maybe we should look at foreign foods influence in English football, maybe crowds should eat what they ate in the 60's? Or maybe we should just were cowboys hats and woop......

Thanks for reading, feedback would be great so if you could email me to let me know what you liked, disliked and other comments. Hope you enjoyed!

josh :)