not the most exciting place online

2022

2022-05-15T23:49:00.001-05:00

COVID took the last two years and did a time warp. I feel like I have no memories from the end of 2019 till now. If it wasn't for Instagram and GPhotos I don't think I could recall half the things that happened. It's weird. I know one thing though, I got fat.

cut a hole into my skull

2020-02-14T12:25:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I get this feeling of immense dispair, or maybe it's more like dread. It's like this feeling that something bad is about to happen. That just around the corner my life will change for the worse.

Sometimes the feeling is more a thought. It's something like "nothing good lasts" "happiness is fleeting" "you've been happy too long and the bad stuff has been building up. It'sabout to come crashing down."

Eventually the thoughts fade. But I know they are still there. Biding their time.

Hmm, ...

Souvenir by boygenius:

Dreamcatcher in the rearview mirror
Hasn't caught a thing yet
Twenty dollars in souvenirs
Anything's worth trying

To stay out of your nightmares
Few hours in your dream last night
Always end up dying
You said because of course I did

Always managed to move in
Right next to cemeteries
And never far from hospitals
I don't know what that tells you about me

Pulling thorns out of my palm
Working midnight surgery
When you cut a hole into my skull
Do you hate what you see?
Like I do

Songwriters: Julien Rose Baker / Lucy Elizabeth Dacus / Phoebe L. Bridgers

james

2019-11-09T21:54:00.000-06:00

sometimes you connect to a piece of art so directly it leaves you dazed and confused.

there is a feeling of longing and unexplained emptiness that seems to follow.

i don't know it is a desire to be able to express myself as deeply as I have been effected.

or if it simply the feeling of being in awe of someones ability to express something so accurately.

----------

i think i've been kinda down these past few months. possibly longer im not sure.

i know that I have this desire to be seen as a hero or someone people can rely on.

i enjoy the feeling and I crave that feeling. to be needed, to be useful. but when being alone it is difficult to get that kick.

i feel directionless without that. I don't desire to fix people or steer their lives around. I just want to support and be there. I love the feeling of helping and seeing that persons life slightly brighter for it. even if that brightness is only a momentary brightness. it's a good feeling.

------------

i know that i'm selfish, arrogant and a bit narcissistic. those are qualities that I see and have come to terms within myself. sometimes I like the feeling that people think i'm doing good deeds cause i'm a "good guy", but the truth is I like the feeling. it's my personal addiction in a way. would I help people without that feeling, maybe. well yeah, I think i would sometimes. but I think my "scope" of helpfulness would be much smaller. smaller than it already is at least.

--------------

Spooky night

2019-10-31T17:56:00.001-05:00

At a Halloween party in Italy.
Thinking to myself, how did I get here?
There are other awkwardly present people, but they have seats. I had a seat, but me reservation expired.
So now I stand. As smoke and bass surround me.
There are also many drunk Italians, so that's always fun.
.........
Some time has passed.
I have found a seat, so prospects are looking up. Smooth sailing from here.
Now I just need to look busy, and very interested in my phone.
I guess this club is kinda high class or something. There are a good amount of tough looking security guards. And I think I ran into them a suspicious amount of times. So now I see them watch me as I walk around the venue.
....
Sometimes I'm amazed at my wife's ability to convince people to do things they have previously swore they would never do. In this instance I'm referring to a friend she is currently dancing with. Friend since yesterday swore she would never get on a dancefloor, especially in front of other people. But here she is dancing the night away; surrounded by numerous sweaty Italians.
Amazing.
........
Checking work emails so far is passing some time.
I'll keep you posted of any updates Internet.

.,.....

Bench is being over taken. Would move but no other non reservation seats. Maybe I should try sad make some new friends.
....
Reporting in.
Just saw a middle aged man. Angerly talking on the phone and smoking. He walks very deliberately to a near by plant and looks at some leaves. He then grabs a handful and briskly walks away.
Stay turned for more exciting events.
Reporting out
.....
My cover sitting at the bench have left.
While I'm now exposed in a sense; I'm able to keep reporting without worrying whether or those Italian guys could speak English.
Back to reporting.

.....
Drunk Italian, young male. Curly hair. I'm worried he is in the vomiting drunk state.
He moves close to my bench. I watch with caution. Ready to dodge any projectile vomit that may come my way.
He has left. Defcon alert set to normal.
Close one.
......
Italians seems to be very proud of their butts. Lots of very high waisted pants that cause the buttocks to almost magically rise as if weightless, but at the same time full of weight.
......

I just saw two dwarfs enter the exclusive party room. I kinda want to peek in and check it out.
.......

"merry spritzmass"

2019-07-07T05:54:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I find myself wanting to do more.
I want to pursue music or drawing, but whenever I get the time to do so I find myself not doing those things.
Instead it's easier to watch a movie or play videogames.
I think part of it is the emotional and physical investment into creating something. Even though I enjoy it, it does take energy to do.
Or I'm I just getting lazier?
.....
I've also noticed that my emotional/social capacity is much lower than it used to be.
I find myself not having the desire to interact.
Can I remember feeling the "want" or at least a general positive outlook on being around people, but recently I don't know. If given a choice between being alone or being around others, as of now I would choose alone.
Not sure why.
I know that I've always enjoyed solitude, but this feels different.
Maybe I'm just getting lazier. Emotionally.
But it kinda feels like I just didn't really care anymore. Is that indifference?
Maybe.
But at the same time I do care immensely about those closest to me.
🤷‍♂️
......
On a lighter note.
I recently read the script for Blade Runner. The 1980something film. So much better than the film. That being said I've only made it through the film once, but I've attempted to watch it many times.
The script feels very much like a scfi-noir, but the film seems almost afraid to go into the noir deep end. Which I can understand from a financial standpoint. Noir's aren't blockbusters. Most people don't like that style.
But for BR, I think it fit perfectly. The whole story is about questioning what it means to be human. It's life given or do we choose life?
To me the script is a self reflection and a quiet meditation into the human condition. While the film comes off as loud. (I had other words in mind, but my brain is currently failing me). At least that's what I remember from the film.
.....
Well I think my sleep is catching up with me and my thought transfer is deteriorating. So I will stop here and end this post for now.

Blooop. Beep.

Why not

2019-06-06T16:07:00.001-05:00

Why not wash your hands?
You have just ejected waste products from your body. Then touched objects that most likely other people's waste biproducts have touched.
Yet, you do not feel the need to wash your hands before leaving the restroom?

This is why I don't want to shake your hand.
Or anyone's hand for that matter.
Who knows when you washed that last.

Gotta go. Till next time.

Guess who's back

2019-05-18T00:19:00.001-05:00

Wife says I should post more often.
Will try.
...
To commemorate this occasion I shall start with one of my favorite album openers.
" Eminem's gotta cuss in his raps to sell records. Well me too, so fuck Will Smith "
...
It's all about that money. Dolla bill y'all.
...
In tonight's news.
I changed departments at work, got a promotion.
Cleaned the pool. It's ready for the summer.
Thought about buying some beefeater. But misread the name as "defeater", then "befeater", until looking back at the name and seeing "beefeater "
All in a day's work.
...
I had this dream last night about a parasite that enters a humans body and slowly eats away all the organs. The parasite then replaces the eaten organ with it self. Allowing the body to live, and the parasite to live off the body
In this dream the victim is afraid and tries everything to rid himself of the parasite but is unable to. He eventually dies a painful death, but is brought back to life by the parasite.
After this the man slowly changes his views about the parasite. He begins to feel companionship and eventually trusts and befriends the parasite.
...
I don't know if I've complained about Eggs Benedict on here before.
So if not.
They suck. Never order Eggs Benedict.
You should only order EB, if:
You enjoy disappointment.
You hate breakfast foods.
You want to feel superior to your fellow diners.
You have been tricked by it's fancy sounding name. Just like the real Benedict Arnold.
It's an egg that it's a traitor among eggs and breakfast foods everywhere.
You allow it's sweet sounding name to entice you to order it, let it into your mouth and it turns around and stabs you in the back, or in the tongue, or back of the tongue technically. Well maybe not technically.
...rant complete.
Good day sir.

Thursday not Friday

2018-07-26T22:34:00.001-05:00

It's thrusday, not Friday.
Took out trash. Was late for work.
Realized it's not trash day.

Bada bing Bada boom.

Aloha

2017-11-25T15:09:00.001-06:00

Hey internets,
it's been sometime.

Just thought I'd stop in.
Say hello.

Let's see.
Some updates.
Hmm...
Kevin spacey is gay.
Pokemon go is still dead.
Trump is prez.
Rick and Morty swiffering the nation, and Mcds.
Net neutrality, quite a buzz.
Bit coin hitting $8500

Turkey day was fun.
Old pants that previously didn't fit, now quite snug.

Hmm. That's it for now.
Maybe we will talk again soon.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who knows.

Feeling hot hot

2017-05-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

Ac is broke
Night sweats no joke
Cant sleep on time
Writing bad rhymes.

New album coming soon.
"Mediocre rhymes and stuff"

Learnings

2017-03-06T15:06:00.001-06:00

I thought all those jokes about coffee firing up the old crapfactory were just jokes.
I have learned the truth is quite uncomfortable. Especially when you are the only one at work and can't leave the front desk.

Truth hurts

Ssssszzzzz

2017-01-28T00:41:00.001-06:00

Trying to sleep.
But can't sleep.

Tried staying at the ceiling.
Let my eyes relax.
Fade in and out of focus.

Feel restless.
Don't know why.

Maybe I'll get up and for a bit

Workwork

2017-01-23T05:20:00.001-06:00

Hey internets,

It's been awhile.
Current job has me interacting with people all day.
Smiling.
Trying to hold conversations.
Being buddy buddy.

I thought I would be okay.
Nope.

I had this idea that being around people would make me more personable. But I feel like the opposite is happening. The more I'm around people the more I don't want to interact.

In the words of Roy from IT Crowd.
"People. What a bunch of bastards."

Well.
Back to work.

tuesday

2016-08-30T09:39:00.000-05:00

good stuff

Courtney Barnett - Full Performance (Live on KEXP)

thoughts

2016-08-12T08:48:00.001-05:00

sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be famous.
not super famous, but relatively famous.
as a artist or musician, could be fun.
get free stuff from sponsors.
get to do fun stuff and get paid for it.
make t-shirts

fun fun fun

...all hail Malcolm

"Someday we'll linger in the sun"

2016-08-04T09:08:00.001-05:00

Gaelynn Lea - Someday We'll Linger in the Sun

Our love's a complex vintage wine
All rotted leaves and lemon rind
I'd spit you out but now you're mine

We bit the fruit, it seemed a lie
I'll never know which way was right
Now side by side we face the night

And I love you
And I love you

We walked the pier and back again
It was the most scared I've ever been
You held my hand until the end

And I love you
And I love you

Don't tell me we've got time
The subtle thief of life
It slips away when we pay no mind

We pulled the weeds out til the dawn
Nearly too tired to carry on
Someday we'll linger in the sun

And I love you
And I love you

https://gaelynnlea.bandcamp.com/track/someday-well-linger-in-the-sun

Full tiny desk concert:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6oSeODGmoQ

politics done right

2016-07-27T09:24:00.003-05:00

need more politial ads like this:

bleep boop

2016-07-07T09:05:00.003-05:00

bleep boop doop
don't step'n poop

"scrub scrub scrub till the water's brown"

2016-07-05T10:47:00.000-05:00

I've noticed anytime I plan on getting a good night of sleep, it never happens.
Anytime I try to go to sleep early I wake up really early or just cant fall asleep.

Last night:
Went to bed ~9:30pm
Woke up 12:00am
Went back to sleep 5:55am
Woke up 6:15am

new strategy:
Never go to sleep early.
Go to sleep on time or slightly after.

Time
time
time
time

"And the thunder answered back "

2016-06-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

I think I already made a post about this, but it happened again.

hello internet my name is Marten.
seems like an easy name. right?
wrong!?!!
it's the most difficult name in the universe.
well not really, but still pretty difficult to properly pronounce apparently.

The other day I met one of my neighbors for the first time. This is how the conversation went.
(Real neighbors name has been changed in this post to protect his identity)

(Neighbor)Hi Neighbor! My name is Scooter. I live a few doors down from you.
(Me) Hi. Marten.
(Scooter) Martian?
(Me) Mar-ten
(Scooter) Mitchem?
(Me) M-A-R-T-E-N
(Scooter) Ah, I see. Marchan. Nice to meet you.

I really think I should go by a different introduction name, so that introductions can move along much smoother.
I need a name.
Something with strong syllables. And less of what ever it is that makes saying the name Marten so confusing.

anyway. happy tuesday
.

Eskimeaux - The Thunder Answered Back

o, how my heart can fly when your smile has good intentions
and "hi" can mean the world to me
i know singing makes you shy when it's in front of me and my friends
but your singing means the world to me
how i tried to keep my cool when we disappointed you
you waxen wing, you foolish thing
and o, how i can still taste your tongue tied stare upon my face
you dirty look, you burning bush
so here i sit, come to rest some weight upon your little chest
you free-for-all, you wrecking ball
so here i stand, next to your bed, to lay waste to your healthy head
you spiderweb, you dance of death
you could even be so cold and leave me wondering where you've gone
you prickly frost, you courage lost
you could even be so mad you'd shake me by the shoulders screaming
you coward, you hummingbird

I screamed out how'd it get this bad?
And the thunder answered back
if you know not what you lack
then you must unturn your back
Your inside is overcast
you are tethered to your past
and it must feel like fucking hell
to be a patchwork of yourself,
a bunch of scraps thrown and sewn around your bones
and though you're alone it's holding you too tightly.
But Who are you? From where do you come?
What do you believe in? Whom do you love?

"no more butter scones for me"

2016-06-20T10:09:00.000-05:00

good night. and good dreams.

2016-06-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

i hate school.
I really do.
That being said, I do love to learn new things. But I hate the school system of "learning"

I don't understand people who graduate school and say "I wish I was back in school"
why?
why would you wish that?
of all the things you could wish for.
why?
pony? no.
magic rainbow, pot of gold? no.
eagle powers? no.
world peace? no.
just school.

I don't understand.

I am currently taking my first summer class of my college life.
I was looking at my schedule that thought to my self,
"a quiz every day, and an exam every week.
seems a bit excessive."
then I realized that is because the class is only 3 weeks long.
somehow I missed that important detail.

well.
good night.
and good dreams.
wish for nicer things then going back to school.
if not for yourself, do it for me.

Fast Blood - Frightened Rabbit

good night
it's stroke-time
let's get paralysed down both sides
snake hips, red city kiss
and your black eyes roll back
midnight organ fight
yours gives into mine
it's all right

and the fast blood
hurricanes through me
and then it rips my roof away with her fire heads
this is the longest kiss
good night

and now I, I tremble,
because this fumble
has become biblical
I feel like I just died twice
was reborn again
for all our dirty sins

and the fast blood, fast blood, fast blood
hurricanes through me
and then it rips my roof away with her fire heads
this is the longest kiss
good night

good night
and then I fall down
I stumble
and she said, good night

"Set sail, set sail, the captain said,"

2016-05-31T11:55:00.000-05:00

Devil Ship - Among the oak and ash

Well met, well met, my own true love,
well met, well met, said he.
You've gone away with another, my love,
and thus forsaken me.

I do not cry for my broken heart,
and nor for your broken vow,
it's for your children who ask after you,
that I'm cryin now.

And I am just a house carpenter,
that's all that I wanna be,
but you took from me everything that I had,
and stole across the sea.

But leave it to a messenger,
to only bring bad news,
on the fly he brought me to mine,
none which I could use.

Set sail, set sail, the captain said,
I have what I've come for,
he gave to her the strangest lands
she'd ever seen before.

And I am just a house carpenter,
that's all that I wanna be,
but you took from me everything that I had,
and stole across the sea.

I've heard sad stories all my life,
but none so sad as this,
a mile from shore a storm came forth,
and stirred that black abyss.

The gallant ship spun one time around,
she prayed forgive me please,
too late, too late, said the devil's first mate,
your soul belongs to the seas.

And I am just a house carpenter,
that's all that I wanna be,
but you took from me everything that I had,
and stole across the sea.

Now, I'm not a man of many words,
or one of great discern,
there are many lessons that we are taught
and few that we will learn.

What I can say without regret,
to keep you safe from wrath,
content yourself with your circumstance,
be happy with the life you have.

monday thoughts

2016-05-23T12:48:00.004-05:00

I've been reading alot of r/depression and r/offmychest recently.
In alot of ways the things I read there remind me alot of myself when I was younger.
I always had a feel I was depressed growing up, but I think I just thought it was normal to feel indifferent and uninterested in life.
I never considered self harm or suicide, but life seemed to be more effort to sustain than to not.
I know I felt extremely lonely almost everywhere I was. At home I felt abandoned by my parents who were always busy. I felt out of place among my siblings. The "friends" I had where simply there to avoid the school social stigma of loneliness.
I did care about people. I didn't want people to be hurt. But I didn't care to be with them.
I remember not wanting to go to sleep at night because that would simply cause a "restart" of another pointless day.
I think I was pretty sure the world would be destroyed before I was old enough to have to take part of it as an adult.

(I'm kinda losing where I was going with this. It's been a couple minutes since I started writing, and I think the feelings I had are now starting to pass.)

Anyway. I guess in summary or something. Life sometimes sucks. Or it just doesn't seem to have a point. And I guess there are other people that also feel this way.

I guess thinking about my younger-self and the people I have been reading about makes me feel sad. I wish people didn't have to suffer, both in hardships and in terms of nothing making sense. But I guess it's a part of life or something. Anyway, the feeling has now passed, and I no longer have the desire to write about this.

If this happens to be read by someone having a not so great day I hope that you can find something even if it is just a small something to hold on to.

Here is a video featuring harry potter and the guy that got killed in a bowling alley for not wanting to share his milkshake (I think... that scene still confuses me). Anyway I found this pretty entertaining:

Swiss army man:

"Fun times in Babylon that's what I'm counting on"

2016-05-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

Fun times in Babylon
That's what I'm counting on
Before the dam goes up at the foot of the sea
Before the new wing of the prison ribbon ceremony
Before the star of the morning comes looking for me

I would like to abuse my lungs
Smoke everything in sight with every girl I've ever loved
Ride around the wreckage on a horse knee-deep in blood
Look out Hollywood, here I come

Fun times in Babylon
Momma they've just begun
Before they put me to work in a government camp
Before they do my face up like a corpse and say get up and dance
Before the beast comes looking for last year's rent

I would like to abuse my lungs
Smoke everything in sight with every girl I've ever loved
Ride around my wreckage on a horse knee-deep in mud
Look out Hollywood, here I come
Look out Hollywood, here I come
Look out Hollywood, here I come