Notes from an Abrupt Mental Diarrhea ©

Arrgh.

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:19:00 +0000

Oh Brother...

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:09:00 +0000

Perhaps I need to emphasize the irony of things.

Let's say that you're deliberately trying to forget something, and you're doing pretty good at it. I always believe that adequate time should be given to a person who tries to forget everything that happened.

Well, that is not happening. OH BROTHER.

Fate really has a way of smiling sarcastically at you with his bare teeth.

Worst part is, Fate didn't even brush a bit.

The Chronicles of an Anti-Hero

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:11:00 +0000

Of all of the four years I've stayed in the institution that I am working for, I've never felt like I want to leave more than how I feel now. I have to repeat time and again that this is probably the worst school year for me and for everyone else. A lot of changes have happened to me, and I don't like any of these changes even one bit. The only consolation that I have is the fact that I am actually trying to help young minds develop their skills and talents. That's what I am thinking about. That's the reason why I am still having the strength to go to school. Other than that, if these kids are not around, I would like to abandon my work completely. I don't want to show up at work. There are a lot of bad vibes around. Evil spirits are constantly roaming around the halls of the damned institution like heck, and I don't think that I can take it any longer.

I cannot help but complain about these things. To tell you frankly, I don't want to complain. I am tired of complaining, especially with the thought that nothing is happening, anyway. Others submissively say yes to the commands of the strong, but I don't. I believe that it's another thing to be a complete sycophant, and it's another thing to fight for your principles. I have taken the righteous road, and I think I am being defeated. I hate it.

Something has happened this morning. I don't want to elaborate on it. What I can tell you about it is the fact that I never thought that it would happen. I never thought that it would be considered as a big deal. It was not a big deal for me, but I guess it was for them. Perhaps that was one of the things I decide to deal with upon choosing the road taken by a revolutionary. I wanted change so much, and stagnation is what I get. I advocate something righteous, but it is certainly not righteous in their own merit. I guess this is what someone has to face sometimes. I still want to fight for what I believe is righteous, but what if you would lose everything that you care for in the end, anyway? It is such a tough decision to make. In fact, I don't want to do anything about it anymore, but these freaks keep on bothering me. They keep on watching my every move. They keep on watching what would I do to them.

I am assuming the role of an antagonist. Problem is, I am not an antagonist. I am an anti-hero.

I can't take it anymore. :(

Quasi-Movie Review: 500 Days of Summer

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 07:11:00 +0000

I've always thought that I am not an ordinary girl. I don't usually wear skirts or high heels. I like wearing sneakers, jeans, and shirts. I don't like romantic movies that much. I always thought of them as corny because they always present love as something idealistic. Come on. Let's be realistic. Love does make you giddy, but it certainly does not make you smile all the time.

Perhaps that was one of the reasons why I like 500 Days of Summer. As it is said in the movie, the film is not a love story, but it's something very much connected to a love story. Thanks for Bettina for sharing the movie on Plurk. haha. :D

The story is presented in a non-linear narrative, which is oftentimes reminiscent of most independent films (which makes it more attractive for me to watch). The story revolves around Tom Hansen, who graduated with an Architecture degree but ended up writing for a greeting card company instead. There is certainly a reversal of roles in this particular movie. The stereotypical qualities of men and women are deconstructed --- Tom is someone who believes that he can never be happy unless he finds the woman that he's bound to spend his life with forever. His love interest, Summer Finn, on the other hand, believes in living the life for the moment. She does not believe in tying herself up to the idea of falling in love with just one person all throughout her life. The clash of their beliefs thus provides the driving point of their story.

The story begins as such: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl and vice versa, but it has an extra twist. Tom is instantly smitten with the free-spirited Summer, but Summer does not seem to give the same arduous affection that she is given by Tom. Their relationship is very much characteristic of the Friendster - slash - Facebook relationship status: It's complicated. Summer admits that she is not in for anything serious, but Tom is. The complexity of their relationship and the uncertainty of whether they are boyfriend and girlfriend confuses Tom, but in the same manner, the mystery of their situation draws Tom more into Summer.

When Summer breaks up with Tom, his world crumbles down and he undergoes a deep depression, which is very familiar with men and women undergoing a break-up. He stays in his room only with some booze and junk food; he curls up in bed while feeling sorry for himself, and he abandons work. No matter what he does, he can never forget Summer. The worst thing was, she has already forgotten him. The movie shows Tom's expectation of finally finding 'the one' to the process of moving on from a break-up and eventually finding a new love. The last part of the movie is a satisfactory ending of that process of moving on.

This movie, is, by the way, a romantic comedy, if you don't know by now. Yes, I know that the plot is pretty much depressing: who would be happy for stories about break-ups, anyway? However, perhaps independent film movie goers would appreciate the fact that this movie has a very distinct quality which sets it apart from the annoying romantic comedies that mainstream movie goers are going gaga with --- it tells us the reality of breaking up. It tells us that love should not only be a fuzzy feeling. Love is not only something that you might want to connect with forever. It may also exist for the moment. Tom missed that point. He was always thinking of what may happen next with his relationship with Summer, but he forgets the fact that he is happy with her, and that's all that matters.

The style of the director, Mark Webb, is pretty much refreshing. Other critics might say that his style is a mix-match of the styles seen in other movies, but for me, it was pretty much convincing. I especially like the part when the director has presented the two sides of reality and expectation. Reality is indeed what we don't think of in the first place; we try to avoid reality because we often know that it would hurt us.

For those who haven't watched the movie, I urge you to do so, especially if you are not really into the romantic comedy genre where the boy and the girl usually end up together and living happily ever after. 500 Days of Summer had the courage to do away with this plot, which makes it even more interesting to watch than any of those Sarah Geronimo flicks.

The Power of Spontaneity

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:07:00 +0000

Exactly two months have passed.

I finally said it.

I am glad. I just don't know if it would be normal again.

But I do hope so. I've been in so many troubles now, and I don't think I can still handle them. :(

sigh

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:05:00 +0000

It's still not over. :(

Random Thoughts: On 2009

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:59:00 +0000

I am going to mark this year. 2009.

I really hate this year. This is an unfavorable year for me. Most of the things which are unfavorable for me have happened this freaking year of 2010.

I really want this phase to finish. I don't think that I can still manage to withstand everything. :(

A Terrible Remorse

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:51:00 +0000

If there is anything that I hate about a person, that is insensitivity. I have always thought that it is best to always be sensitive about the people around you because surely enough, you expect others to understand you as well, and not only you understanding them.

I was insensitive today. And I hate it, I really hate it. I hate the fact that I've always thought what to do before. I always made it a point to calculate every move that I do. I evaluate first the pros and cons of what I would do before doing something. Ask any of my friends who have known me for years and you'd probably receive tons of comments saying that I'm not a person who does things spontaneously. I always made it a point to think before I act. For all of the years of my life, I was cautious in doing every inch of everything, even to the point that it's even quite irrational.

That was what I missed doing today. And I was irrational by not doing that.

You may wonder what happened today that caused me to feel such a terrible remorse over what I did. I did something that hurt a good friend of mine. Worst thing is, I did it without even thinking of the reaction that might be given to what I've done. I guess that misconceptions are inevitable at some point. Have you ever had an instance when you teased a friend and you thought that person won't be mad at you, but what you thought was wrong? That was what happened. The worse part is, I am not a person who jokes often and yet, I cannot accept the fact that I actually did something like that. Good job, Darth. You ought to be put in a pedestal with the label, "Worst Douchebag Ever."

If there's something I learned today that I already know beforehand, but was not able to be fully aware of it before, it's this fact: no matter what you do to a person, whether it's something you think of as trivial or otherwise, that deed will affect that person in a way that you do not even know. That's why it's very important to be tactful by thinking first about what you're going to say or do.

Actually, I learned this months ago, but the difference is, I guess what I did before was not something which was offensive, but there was another problem.

But now, I blew it.

I am really sorry. :(

Random Thoughts: November 1 - 2 2009 + sometime in October, 2009

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:07:00 +0000

I am sick. I reckon that it's because of the cold, strong, rough winds of the typhoon Santi last Saturday. I was feeling fine last Saturday until the weather became really cold. I caught a terrible cold last Saturday plus I hate the fact that the power supply has not gotten back yet up to this date. You wonder how in the world I am able to blog, though? It's because of a super-duper long extension cord that my father came up with. Right now, my aunt, grandmother and I are mere parasites when it comes to electric supply. Ugh.

Anyway, about the electric supply, I called up Meralco for about five or six times, and all they could tell me is that they will have a follow-up about our complaint. It turned out that our neighbors, except for three, have all of their electric supply back to their houses at Saturday evening. The post where our line was supposed to be connected is freakin' broken, and I don't heck know when will our power supply be back.

That scenario adds up to my utter desperation.

Well, I am not really here to rant about the fact that Meralco has been treating us with severe apathy, because I have had enough of that. I'm just going to tell you what happened so far, although I know for a fact that this is not even a bit interesting for anyone of you.

October 29, 2009 - Thursday

We went to Joyce's debut. There's nothing much to talk about here since we went home early, and ~~I was sitting with some folks I'd rather not sit with~~ (OMG, here we go again)

October 30, 2009 - Friday

The particular events which happened during this day are all mentioned in the controversial Facebook note. If you are not my Facebook pal, then too bad. You will not be experiencing one of my worst rants ever. Well, I don't think that you want to experience it, anyway.

October 31, 2009 - Saturday
I am beginning to be sick, literally and figuratively.

November 1, 2009 - Sunday

Ah, finally, a concrete narration about something.

I finished the grades yesterday while using the power supply of my uncle. I admit that I am feeling a little bit awkward, though. I never would like to use other people's resources on my own, as much as possible. But I guess since the reality is that we do not have a power supply, I guess my uncle understands it anyway.

Yes, I have been sick since yesterday (but admittedly, I am more sick today, that's why my adrenalin is pushing my writing skills to the limits), but I still went to the cemetery to visit my grandfather, who passed away since I was several months old.

My grandfather's grave

On the way to Love Memorial, my aunt and I happened to ride the bus with an old friend (name withheld, for fear that he might search his name on the net). This person, whom we'll just call RJ (first name and last) was my classmate when I was still in Preperatory, in Secret Academy of the Magical and the Mysterious or more popularly (?) known as the oh-so-defunct Jimel Academy, where I studied during my elementary and high school years. One of my best friends, Irene, cannot remember him in any possible way. When I told her that I saw this guy, she was like, "Di ko talaga matandaan ang taong yun" while I, on the other hand, can vividly remember him like heck. Well, maybe it lies on the fact that he was my childhood crush. hahaha.

Well, anyway, yes, his mother talked to my aunt. He sat in the front seat of the bus while his mother sat behind us. His mother said, "Yan ba yung kaklase ni RJ noon," to which my aunt replied, "Yes." I didn't know that his family spoke Chabacano too until his mother spoke at us that afternoon.

That was the only conversation that happened. I didn't talk to him, because I am afraid that he does not remember me, or I might be labeled as, well, one of those girls whose descriptions I'd rather not be associated with (a coquette). However, seeing and meeting with a remnant of the past made memories flash in my mind again, like heck. For instance, would he remember how we played with Tootsie Roll and made it appear like poo? I don't think so. People forget the times they've spent with their childhood pals once they grow up. Only a few people remember, and what they remember remains just a fragment of the past. These fragments can never be whole. People remember them in one way or another, but they can never preserve a whole, concrete memory of the past.

Nakanang. Emo.

There was a huge traffic yesterday, as usual. We arrived at past five, and stayed there until about six, because I was already feeling terribly sick. As a form of entertainment, these vagrants performed a VERY ENTERTAINING AND EMOTIONAL dance which I captured on cam:

Yes, I exploited them. Forgive me.

Nothing much to look forward to when we came home, because there was still no power supply. This is terrible.

Will write again later, if my creativity permits me to.

Random Thoughts: Sometime in October... That I Couldn't Remember

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:14:00 +0000

After a few months that I haven't written a thing (or perhaps did write some things, but they are very succinctly written, and in a gibberish manner, even) I actually found time to write a blog entry about the things that happened for these past few weeks. I could barely remember when they happened, why they happened, or sort of things like that, so if you could bare with me with my irrelevantly chronological narration of things, I would appreciate that a lot.

First: Going to Former Students' Dorm

I think it was my second to the last week in UST when Addah texted me, saying that she wants us to meet along with my other former students who are also Thomasians. I got excited by that fact. I don't know why, but for me, there is always a hint of excitement whenever I see my former students around. Perhaps seeing them gives me an idea that after faltering in the search for the familiar, there are still things which haven't changed, and that's what they are.

I even ran late for my meeting with Addah that Saturday because my classmates and I still had to photocopy some things for our Teaching Reading and Writing class. Our professor said that all of the things that have been reported by our classmates and discussed in a snap by our professor herself have to be included in the exam. I felt like giving up just thinking of the amount of workload and reviewing I had to do for that particular final exam. Ugh.

After finally having the stuff photocopied, Addah and I met by the Benavides Library and we went to their dorm. I thought that we'd still ride a jeep or something, but it turned out that their dorm was just across the street. At the instant I went inside their dorm, thoughts of college flashed into my mind again like heck. I remember my days as a college student -- messy rooms with books, socks, uniforms here and there. They were all coming back to me at that point.

Kamille was there when Addah and I came. Joyce came a few minutes after, and we all talked about random stuff for more than an hour. That was fun. It was really surreal that I was talking with the people I used to instruct not as students, but more like a friend or a sister. That was really something.

I went back to the Benavides Library to research about stuff after going to their dorm. It was back to normal life where I had to face the books that I resent reading for the time being, but nevertheless, I have to study.

Second: It's something I'd rather not talk about publicly, so I'd talk gibberish again.

People do some things unexpectedly, causing you to think again about what they have done although you know for a fact that it probably does not mean anything to them after all.

Third: Last Day as a Thomasian for the Moment

I had my last day as an enrolled Thomasian two Saturdays ago. I had that exam that I was dreading to take. As I expected, the exam was darn hard. There were a hundred items of 'Accept and Reject' (much like True or False) and then another hundred points for essay items. I felt like I was taking a bar exam cramped into three freaking hours. I also passed my project (which didn't make sense, in my opinion) and I left my professor a note which says:

Dear Prof. Orillos:

I tried my best to contact (insert name of damn groupmate here), but to no avail, he didn't come to school anymore. I hope that you would still give me a considerable grade even though I didn't work collaboratively with a group member.

PS. Thanks for being our professor. :)

I wrote that at the last page of my exam. I know she has read that for sure. I hope to pass that subject. Cross all of my fingers and toes. Ugh.

My college pal, Kate, texted me and said that she wanted to meet me in UST. I agreed with it because the last time I saw her was about three years ago. I guess something like that is inevitable once you finish college --- friends rarely meet. You call and text each other, but it would be a rare occurrence for you to meet.

While I was waiting for her, I got bored and took pictures around campus instead:

When Kate came, we managed to talk about a lot of stuff which we didn't have time to when we talk or text on the phone. I miss the old times when we just hang around FEU either talking about literature or looking for cute boys who would occasionally come around (haha). We do not do the latter activity anymore, but it seems quite interesting to have everything back the way it was before. However, we all know that we can't. Everything remains just a figment of our memories.

Fourth: Annoying Some People Again

Yes, I've included this in a Facebook note. I won't post it here, for fear that they might say that I am antagonistic again.

I'll write again sometime. My nose is dripping like heck.

Searching for the Familiar (allegorical)

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:35:00 +0000

I have been missing a lot of things for the past few weeks now. I guess it's inevitable that people change. Things change. You just can't get hold of what you have for the moment and keep it forever with you. Time will come when you just have to accept the fact that you cannot live with the things you used to do and you used to have anymore.

And yes, you have to let go.

What depresses me most is my search for the familiar. I search for familiar, reassuring smiles. I search for hearty laughs. I search for intellectual conversations. I search for absurd conversations which ironically make sense. I search for that same fervor to fight for something worth fighting for.

But I can't find them anywhere. If ever I find one of these things, they remain all but bits and pieces of what used to be familiar. But chances are, I could not find anything familiar anymore. Everything is alienated from my own self. There are certainly no more of that stupid, sensible laughs, intellectual conversations, absurdity and the other familiar things I grew up with four years ago. All I could find today are empty, senseless talks, meaningless jokes which remain absurd and nothing more, increased desire for luxury, self-sufficiency and self-love, heightened state of madness for nothing else but romantic conquests, and averted glances of those who used to be one of the closest people with you.

Nothing more, nothing more.

And with that, I am still searching for the familiar. I am still hoping that beyond the superficiality of familiar unfamiliar people around, I will still take hold of what was it like before.

I am fearing that I might falter in my search for the familiar, though. :(

When Thoughts of Freedom Come Into Mind

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 14:54:00 +0000

I have finally finished one semester in UST, but I don't know if I passed or not. In all of my years studying, never did I come to a point where I doubted if I will pass. That is, until now. There is a great deal of doubt looming over my ever pessimistic stance, thinking that I might fall short of my expectations.

But anyway, I passed every requirement that my professors were asking, and I was never absent in class. I am hoping for at least a passing grade. I don't even hope for that honor roll thing the way I aimed for in my whole life. My only aim now is to pass. I'll get the good grades later, once I get out of this figurative prison I am in.

Hence, the title of this FB note: When thoughts of freedom come into mind.

Of all the years that I have stayed in this school, this year ought to be one of the most controversial ones. I need not explain the nitty gritty events that are happening, but every employee in the school probably feels that way. Everything that has been happening right now in school can somehow be likened to an apt conclusion in a telenovela. Let me enumerate to you the instances why:

1. Some of the main characters' lives are put in danger. Not in real danger, like someone's going to assassinate him/her or whatsoever, but it's more of a threat in an abstract form.

2. New characters have been introduced. Some characters play a significant, active role in the culmination of the whole event. The others serve as mere spectators.

3. Old characters, whom you often thought of as protagonists, now appear menacingly. The protagonists realized that a friend is now a foe, or a lover an enemy, sort of like that.

4. The antagonists come in full force, with new antagonists on tow. They now shout a big "bwahahahahaaha" with matching annoying laugh, ala Count Dracula in Sesame Street.

5. The protagonists put their lives in danger for a noble cause.

6. Revelations are everywhere, ranging from personal to business matters. To give you an idea, these might help: in soap operas, a mother knows that her child is not really her son, or the protagonist is facing a deadly, incurable disease. Something like that.

7. The idea of revenge seems to be a very convenient idea, on the part of the protagonist.

I can think of more, but my mind cannot process these thoughts into concrete words. Darn writer's block.

But anyway, you know what? I reckoned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my job, neither do I hate it. I love teaching, but there's just something in this environment that is not conducive to anyone's prowess, so to speak. The higher-ups, perhaps?

Exactly.

What's funny is that I keep on thinking where would I go or what would I do at the end of these last five months. I still have some unfinished business to do, as indicated in my list in "25 Things to do before leaving A*toot*" Never in my life have I felt wanting so much as badly as I want it now.

Anyway, I tell my self not to be too hasty. Five more months before the climax finally blends into a perfect resolution. What's happening now is not even close to a denouement.

I'll write in detail next week.

Of Work and Self-Confidence

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:49:00 +0000

I just printed out my project to be passed in Contemporary Literary Theory. It turned out that we all had to pass it on an earlier date because our professor's secretary would not be in school on Saturday. I wanted to complain about that because I have to be absent in work this Friday (at least for a half day) just to pass my project. And then I have to go back on Saturday to pass another project and take the examinations for another subject. Ugh.

I edited some points in the work that I did. Prof. Dimalanta (yes, THE Dimalanta who won tons of awards and stuff) is my professor, and I don't think that my work can pass her standards. I guess one of my failures would always be literary criticism, since that was also my disqualifying grade when I was in college (gee whiz, thanks, Sir Herbert). But anyway, you know that feeling that you want to be assured that your work is fine, but you are void of any other logical responses because you think that it's not that good? That's what I am feeling as of the moment.

To tell you frankly, I wasn't like this before. I always believed that my writings could somehow be equal to those who are practicing their craft in real life. I always believed that I was a born writer, and I could write about anything at all if you asked me to. I always believed that I have more than average grammar skills. How come all of my self-confidence has been flushed down, down the drain?

It's because of some people. It's because of them. They robbed me off of my sheer belief that I am quite good, and my work can be comparable with that of a regular writer. I know that I should not even say any of this out of contempt for what they have done most likely to most of their employees, but I attest that they have a way of really getting your self-confidence out of your system as they trample on it on the floor with their bare feet. As one of my co-teachers have said (of course, she has also been out of the institution for several months now), her skills have deteriorated. This is ironic, of course, considering the fact that she works as a teacher and she uses these skills to improve the skills of others. However, I can testify to what she said. These people really have a way of pulling you down rather than pulling you up. Now that really sucks.

I feel that my skills are also deteriorating.

So, if ever I keep on ranting at Plurk about how I fear failing that subject, please bear with me. It's just that all of the things happening to me right now are too much for me to handle. This is the price I have to pay by not being an underdog.

I need a dose of optimism.

Random Rant (yes, I didn't abide with the blog leave thing)

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:19:00 +0000

I admit that some things are bothering me right now. That is why I couldn't crack up a smile or two. That is why you often see me staring blankly at nowhere. That is why I often sigh deeply as if something really bad has happened. To tell you frankly, I don't even like feeling these things. I don't like sighing; I don't like ranting about this matter. But it seems that everywhere I go, the thoughts of some things which are bothering me follow me. They won't leave me alone. I see them everywhere. People talk about these things everywhere at work. I am living in the dilemma, which all started in doomsday about several months ago.

I often think that there it would be futile to think about these problems, but I can't. I don't know if you know what I mean. Can you imagine the feeling of an upset stomach? You know, the one which makes you feel that you want to drop your load off somewhere just so you would have a better feeling. Out with the constipation, in with the relief. Something like that.

However, unlike an upset stomach, you cannot simply do away with something that bothers you. If you are either an optimist or perhaps an apathetic person, you would simply let these things pass away. If you are a regular feeling, thinking person equipped with rationality but you fail to apply rational thoughts most of the time, it would be a big problem. Unlike an upset stomach, the problem now becomes a part of you, like a scar which stays until you grow.

This is one of the things that I hate about growing up. Everything has to be complex. Things were simpler than before. However, how could I expect to grow as an individual if I do not undergo these terrible thoughts which ruin my positive perceptions about some things?

Indefinite Blog Leave

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

I have to do this. Or else.

As of October 11, 2009, I declare my indefinite blog leave. As you all know, I am currently on my way to finish my first ever semester as a graduate student. I need to pass my two classes desperately, if that's how you want to term it.

I admit that this school year has not been good to me at any rate. It has caused me a lot of problems, troubles and pains that I could not withstand, in a way that everything, including periods of sudden annoyance and despair, are manifested outwardly through my mood. I'd like to tell you that it only has very little to do with the things happening to me in Grad School. However, it has a lot to do with the hell other people have caused me at work.

On the other hand, this is something to look forward to:

A low score I am proud of. Lol. :))

I was one of those who got a high score in our exam about a month ago in one of my subjects. No one got a perfect score. No one was able to finish the exam, and a lot of people drastically failed. Well, actually, no one got a grade higher than 84, I think. My grade is as low (not high) as those who are already in their PhD levels, and I didn't really expect it. I thought that I'd even fail that darn exam, because it was too darn long and too darn hard. It was just too overwhelming. :)

Now, I have to finish a project on that subject, and I had to contact my groupmate and ask him to do the project with me, since it is a collaborative project, according to my professor. The problem is, I have already talked with him, and he told me that he had intentions of not attending that subject anymore, so I'm starting to work on the project on my own. However, my professor said that I still have to reach out to him. Ugh. That's one of the reasons why I hate doing group projects with members who are indefinitely absent from time to time.

The other subject was as tough as well. We have to make an eight-page literary criticism paper concentrating on one theory. We could discuss any work that we want to, whether it belongs to a foreign or local writer. However, I don't think that I could write at par with most of my classes. I am but a premature talent, but what the heck, I'll do the best that I can.

And with those reasons, I am opting not to blog, and if possible, not to open my Facebook account for several days, until I get through this semester. With that, this is Darth, signing off. :)

Of Studies (Title Derived from Francis Bacon's Essay)

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:45:00 +0000

Studying has been a value that I live up with ever since I was young. I love studying. There is a certain delight that I cannot really comprehend whenever I fill my mind with interesting thoughts from books or otherwise. I feel my senses tingle as I dissect every word with the comprehension that my mind can handle. After that, my hands eventually move, glide, towards the blank paper (or, most likely during this point in time a blank Word document).

I love studying. It has been my passion to let my mind wander into different heights that I can even barely imagine. Studying does that to me. I feel an inexplicable delight whenever I learn a new word or a new idea that will yet occupy my mind for years, because I learn to put these thoughts into good use. I even loved numbers before, even though it is quite hard to believe that once, I had an affair with these shapeless numbers which turn themselves into more shapeless entities of the objective mind.

However, I begin to wonder. How come that studying does not appeal to me in the same manner as it did when I was in my juvenile years? How come that cracking open a book seems like an endless torture to me, and starting a project five months old seems like eternity? How come that words meant to be used to shape productive thoughts stay in the recesses of the mind quite longer than I expected? How come that words flow effortlessly and beautifully in the course of this rather unimportant blog entry and yet, it would rarely come and easily go when I do the most daunting tasks of school work?

It is a wonder, indeed. It is a wonder.

I guess I have to stop now. My project is waiting for me in another window.

Love in the Time of Senility

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 10:46:00 +0000

Last Sunday, I discovered this new application in Facebook called "Love's Time."

This application calculates the supposed time that you are going to find love. This is nothing serious or whatsover, although there is a point that you may want to be serious about it especially if the calculated result is favorable. This is somehow similar to the application called "Death's Time," and as the name says it, the application calculates the supposed time that you are going to die (FYI: in my last calculation, it was said that I am going to be gassed by my own fart. Go figure. Lol.)

Anyway, I just thought of this as my aunt shared a neighborhood gossip going around sometime. I just thought of this: no one can actually figure out when he's going to find love. It comes as unexpected. Really unexpected.

Take for example, this old man who was the husband of the woman I talked about in this entry. It hasn't been a year since his wife died, but it was reported that he now has a new wife. I know that it is quite odd for everyone of us to actually see a widow or a widower to find love at the onset of their spouse's death. Since Filipinos are conservative, we think that it would be best to let the other living half grieve for quite some time. However, haven't you thought that the main reason why the man or woman has searched for someone new is the fact that he or she is not grieving in the first place? Poor spouse has died without even thinking that he/she has been living a lie. If it were possible, the dead spouse might find ways in order to haunt the days of the living spouse and the new fling. Now that would be interesting.

In addition to this, the gossip says that the new spouse of this man may be serving as a sort of caregiver, since the man has been reportedly undergoing a phase of 'uncontrollable bodily fluids.' :D Now we will witness whether they are really meant for each other or not. Will the woman leave this poor man? Will she be with him till the end of his life? That we need to know. Go figure.

Another not-so-young lass (lass talaga, eh. lol) about the age of 78 is also reportedly searching for love around the neighborhood. She is also a widow, and just like the first senior citizen I told you about, she has also been searching for love ever since her husband passed away. However, the only difference with this person is the fact that no one has fallen for her 'charms' yet. For the past few months (well, actually, years), this woman has been engaging in social activities that would let her meet a lot of people in the vicinity, not only of our street, but in the whole Cavite City, I guess. Before, she has been inviting people for a videoke session in their house, and she has also been coming up with parties which neighbors can attend to. She has also bought a van, and she invites random people to go with her on several roadtrips. Now, she has been engaging in ballroom dancing sessions. There's a news going around too that she has been inviting the dancing instructors over in their house to eat.

I've thought about these scenarios over and over again. I am quite bewildered at the fact that these lost individuals are slowly regaining their status in the love boat yet again, and I've thought about the existence of love too: what is love if not for the fleeting moment of the presence with the person that you have your eyes on as of the moment? If there is such love that transcends through death, would there really be a chance that these people who lost their spouses would only love that person they promised their love to? Profoundly philosophical. Blame my emo-ness as of the moment.

And another question that has been plaguing my mind would be: with the subjectivity of love, millions of people have expressed their emotions and even un-express it in a way, how would you ever know that it is the true affection that you've started you've started with? You wonder. We all wonder. Oh crap.

With all of these seniles finding love, I wonder about the fate of everyone when it comes to the same matter, too.

Oh well, that's it for now. Let's cut the crap and go back to the real screwed-up world.

Stuck in a Moment

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:08:00 +0000

I hate this year. So many unfavorable things have happened to me.

Including this one.

It's been a month, but I haven't talked.

I wish everything will go back to normal.

Frenemy Alert?

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:15:00 +0000

Dr. Filomena Constipacion (version 2.0 - the newest) is out in town.

I hope she can see through all of the problems that Pigwarts has.

Simply Unbelievable

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 01:12:00 +0000

I know that most of you who read my blog, or perhaps some of my other posts in Facebook or Plurk are fully aware that I am quite open in expressing my disbelief in the INCREDIBLY GREAT managing prowess of the people that I am working for. Well, let me tell you that I am, yet again, quite annoyed at the things happening at the work front, but I'm not going to tell you the details about it anyway. If there is anything I need to follow, that is work ethics. No matter how much I hate them right now, I am not going to expose every little rotten detail about them as a sort of respect for their seemingly ebbing sense of morality and virtue. The worst part of that is the point that they are not aware of their vicious inconsiderate nature, no matter now much people let them know that point.

I find two things (and I know that there are more, but anyway) which are very ironic regarding the situation on the work front at this point in time:

1. It is really quite ironic that an academic institution which fosters morally upright principles have individuals which are not really morally upright in themselves. What's funny about that is the point that they are not aware of that matter. Even if they are fully aware of it, they refuse to acknowledge it in any possible way.

2. They are aiming for a sort of faculty development program which is very noble in its cause, no doubt. Who in the world would not want something that would trigger him to work well under unfavorable circumstances, anyway? Certainly, that would be a big deal. I perceive only one, and only one point regarding this noble act of faculty development, and that is self-improvement. However, how can you work towards self improvement if the higher-ups you are working for are not even gearing towards self-improvement, but apparently, they are working towards more selfish motives? It's elementary, my dear readers.

*******************

I'll stop here in the meantime. I will write later. I need to start my project, or else, I'll fail in class.

Oh yeah:

P.S. Apparently, some people do not get this simple point: if I don't smile at you, it doesn't mean that I don't smile at everyone else. It only means that there must be something which is wrong that you've done to me, and that mere fact is a simple, evident reason why I hate you.

Get it, los sin verguenzas?

I know that I will get in trouble for doing these things, but it's better. At least I know that I stand up for noble causes.

Random Thoughts: September 30 (WHAT AN INNOVATIVE TITLE)

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:40:00 +0000

It has been four days since the typhoon Ondoy drastically hit the Philippines. It left millions of devastated homes to Filipinos all around Luzon. Can this be a hint that Mother Nature is trying to tell us that we've screwed up everything? Oh dear. :(

Anyway, it occurred to me that I forgot to write about several things last time, like:

1. You may wonder why in the world didn't I participate in this really very entertaining Faculty Scandal:

The main point is, I don't really care if I danced and the kids make me as the laughing stock of the month. I don't care if the parents would remember me for my awful dance moves everytime they see me (and perhaps even after I work for this institution). What really bothers me is the fact that I don't want to give my very best friends the benefit of seeing me shaking my booty. NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

2. DepEd has an announcement that classes will be suspended until Friday. Admin says that there are chances that it would not be so. Oh really?

Have to go now. I still have to go to work tomorrow. And besides, it's getting late. I will write a reasonably readable blog post some other time.

A Day in the Life of a Teacher-Writer

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:14:00 +0000

If there's probably a person who is most likely to complain about the amount of salary given to him twice every month, that person is probably the teacher. Most people say that teachers are probably the most underpaid persons in the entire world. People who are involved in the corporate world, or perhaps in another field can just imagine the amount of work that teachers are supposed to do --- they have to check papers, bring it back to the students, and make sure that the children's lives are led in the most meaningful way possible. The amount of work that teachers have to do is not proportional to the amount that they are being given.

Yes, you don't have to wonder anymore. I am a teacher, and one of my most pertinent roles in the society is to shape the minds of outstanding students with utmost potentials to write, among the other roles that I have to assume in the four-walled classrooms I stay in for four whole years already. And yes, by the way, I am complaining about the amount that I receive every now and then as a teacher.

Since the recession boomed at its very peak at about a year ago, I decided to set aside my other priorities for a while and thought of getting another job. I didn't want to teach random kids after school. That is certainly a philanthropic idea, but I want a breath of fresh air after I go home from school. I looked at my computer and I thought of one thing: why don't I just write?

So, that's what I did. After I browse in the net a few times, I've found one, but eventually, the first company I've been with is not that reliable, so I searched for another one. That was the time when I ended up with Essays.Ph.

Well, actually, when I applied for that company, it does not assume that particular name yet. It goes by with the name of Pinoywriters. Back then, the company didn't have as many members as they have now. As far as I can remember, we were about only twenty or so. Sir Neil, Jan Claudette and Twinkle were just some of the people I remember from Pinoywriters. Back then, the absence of the forum was really something. We had to send articles through the company email, and it was not as convenient as what we writers are doing now, with the help of the forum, of course.

As months passed, the company is doing so well that it had to hire more people. After a few month's time, the name of the company was changed into Essays.Ph, and the forum came into being. Since Essays.Ph was known as one of the few companies which freelance writers can rely on when it comes to payment, more and more writers applied. The bosses, accommodating as they are, gave the writers a room for improvement, but they certainly didn't miss on letting you feel that you have been doing a good job. That is why I will stay with this company for several years, if they will allow me to.

As you all know, the name annemallari has not been present in the Cafeteria or anywhere else in the forum. I have been on a sort of 'leave' for a moment because I am pursuing my Masters for this semester. And you know what? That was all possible because of the stint Essays.Ph gave me. I certainly could not afford to go back to school once again with the amount of salary I get as a teacher. However, once I finally accomplish the requirements I need at the end of this semester, I will resume writing once more. The bosses let me feel that I am still part of the company no matter what, and that is something to look forward to. That is something I promise wholeheartedly.

My work as a writer in Essays.Ph has given me the same fulfillment that I was able to get when I became a teacher. That is one of the best achievements that I can be proud of.

To Whom It May Concern

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:16:00 +0000

This is regarding something I've done about a month ago.

I want things to go back the way it was before. I never expected anything in the first place.

Yours truly,
You know who.

Worst Encounter with the Flood

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 09:17:00 +0000

Some teachers may say that the worst encounter that they had with a thunderstorm and the flood is no other than that of Milenyo's. This was a thunderstorm that occurred sometime in 2006, the first year I've spent with one of the institutions with the worst administration ever. However, since I didn't go to work at that time (even though we were supposed to, screw them) I only felt the onset of the annoying rush of winds only partly because I was in the comfort of my own home when that happened.

This thunderstorm Ondoy which just happened yesterday really made my day. Big time.

I had no idea that the winds and the rains would come that strong anytime during the day. Because of my fear to flunk my subjects, I actually decided to go to school. I was also supposed to bring back the book that I borrowed from the library. I haven't read that book yet. I am that lazy when it comes to studying now. Ugh.

Anyway, the weather was fine when I left home. It went haywire when I got off from the bus. The wind was strong, and I was thinking whether I should still go back to school or I should just eventually go home because it's much safer. But noooooo.... I still went to school, I with my foggy glasses and all that I eventually thought that I'd get hit with a bus or something while I wipe my damp glasses with my wet shirt. Ergo, my glasses became even more moist than before. Darn it.

At the instant that I dropped off in UST, I thought that there were still classes. Apparently, no flood has terrorized España so far, and students were even going inside the university. However, there were a lot of puddles here and there inside the university, and no matter how much I avoid these puddles, I just kept on stepping all around them because they're all over the place. I witnessed the onset of the flood in UST. Perhaps it was about a foot deep, and they were heck everywhere. The wind and the rain are getting stronger at this point.

When I saw the Main Building closed, it was the only time that I had a clue that classes were indeed suspended. I asked a few students passing by for a confirmation, and they said, yes, classes were suspended. I was so pissed off that I screamed in the middle of UST something which I technically shouldn't scream, but I was so pissed off at that time that the words just came out of my mouth. I was already tired to walk yet again all the way to the exit and I asked this tricycle driver to take me to the front gate, but he opted to take these two students anyway because they are willing to pay him more. Arrrgh.

Anyway, I marched, soggy (well, not really soggy, but very wet) and all, to the exit. I cringed as I saw several roaches crawl in and out the nooks and corners of the school. I was bothered of the fact that they might crawl anytime underneath my pants because I am walking with these filthy little creatures (that is, the cockroaches) but I need to go home lest I want to get stuck inside the university premises. I thought that it was the unluckiest time that I had so far because something else had happened, and I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say that it's a girl thing and I didn't prepare for it.

So there. I was outside the university, and I had tons of students waiting for a ride with me. To my surprise, no public utility vehicle was eventually in sight. Perhaps it's the fact that the flood in España is quickly rising like heck, and the drivers didn't want to risk having their jeepneys stranded in the middle of the terrible flood. At long last, I boarded a jeep going to Taft and got off at Lawton, only to find out that the street is already flooded. With my foggy spectacles and all, I just put my feet in the flood (who knows how deep it was, but my legs were all wet until half of my thigh) and I waited in a corner, with all the other passengers, for a bus home.

But there was no bus headed home, for goodness' sakes. So I boarded an FX. I saw a bus headed for Dasmariñas and transferred there because the FX driver is still waiting for more passengers (since I was the only one who was there). It was a good choice, because this was how the Metro Manila looked like:

I felt like I was traveling in the middle of the sea while I was inside the bus. It was flooding everywhere in Manila, and it was really a good choice that I boarded the bus instead. There were great chances that the FX might be stranded in the middle of all that flood. It was a big fear for me because I don't know how to swim. Lol.

When I reached SM Bacoor, I had no choice but to practically submerge myself in the middle of the flood surrounding SM Bacoor. You see, there was no dry land around, and the bus driver had to drop me off in an astoundingly deep flood like heck. This was the scenario:

Darth: Arrrgh!!!
Bus Driver: Dito na lang po tayo.
Darth: Sige na nga, bahala na! (gets off the bus)
(while getting off)
Tricycle driver: Miss, san kayo?
Darth: (Seeing that the mall entrance was just a few steps away) Sa SM! (and she started walking in the flood)
Tricycle drivers: Ayos, a! Marcha!

Instead of being annoyed, I just laughed. More laughtrips came when I went to SM. I shook my feet like a cat before I came in and whispered to myself, "Papapasukin pa rin nila kaya ako kahit basang basa ako?"

And you know what? I was dripping wet all over SM. I had to search for a comfort room because I was more distraught than ever and when I was searching for a comfort room, I was literally shivering because of the cold. I shivered when I talked to the saleslady ironically greeting me a 'good afternoon' despite the fact that I was really soaking wet. I was even afraid that the security might have mistaken me for an offender because I look really cross while walking in the mall. I have never been drenched by the flood as much in my 20's life.

I was still able to see some of my students before I went home. Some of the Fourth Year students still dropped by SM Bacoor after they went home from Manila. They tried to pass their forms but to no avail, classes were suspended and they just had to go back home.

What really surprised me was the amount of rainfall that hit most of the areas in Cavite. I couldn't help but fall asleep in the mini bus I was riding, but I was quickly awakened by the occasional 'oohs' and 'ahs' and the 'oh noes' by the other passengers there. I've never seen currents of flood as much as the one I saw yesterday somewhere in Bacoor. I was also really nervous when I saw the nearby lake in Noveleta. The water was literally rushing out of the banks, and it was flowing straight out in the road. When I came home, Cavite City was flooded too. Our neighbor's place was also flooded, but thank goodness that no drastic amount of flood was seen inside our house.

I texted co-teachers, college friends and office friends to know if they're okay. If there is anything that could beat the tragic devastation that Milenyo has brought, it should be this nuisance of a thunderstorm Ondoy. I wasn't able to see the first few coverages of the devastated areas which were affected by the flood since the power supply was out in our street for almost half a day; I only found out that there were more unfortunate people who had to go up their rooftops just to be safe, if not only partially safe. It was a shame since I had to complain a lot with my terrible experience of having walked in the flood more than knee deep in the outskirts of the city.

Well, so much for the flood, the students do not have classes tomorrow but we had to be there. It's really annoying that the administrators, since they do not know the feeling of being caught in the middle of the flood, had to miss us so much.

I so love them.

PS. Happy birthday to my Mom. :)

Happy Anniversary, Notes from an Abrupt Mental Diarrhea

anne.mallari608@gmail.com ([Darth Anne Mallari]) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 10:09:00 +0000

I told myself that I should finally finish checking the papers first before starting off with this blog entry, but no matter how I stop myself from writing something, the call of this keyboard never seems to fail to weaken my hands and imagination. That is why I find myself typing away some words without any formal outline or whatsoever before I begin to write. From that concept, you might as well know that I am very much random with this entry.

Anyway, it turns out that I have been blogging for four whole years already (is it four? three? not really sure). I've blogged about anything that came into my mind, provided that these thoughts are indeed worthy to share in one way or another. I've blogged about random things about my life, random things about others' lives, and even random things about the lives of those who do not exist yet. Imaginary, that's what I call it. I've blogged about those people whom I hate and love (but apparently, you'll notice that I mostly blog about people I hate). I've blogged about things that make me happy or sad. I've blogged about everything except those which people term as promiscuous (this is after all, a wholesome blog). This blog is eventually one of the things that keep me going through life when it goes really haywire (just like now, darn it), even though I cannot write openly about some things which I would rather keep as private because they are as important to me as my life.

And with all of these things in mind, I have also been thinking about where to go a few months from now. Obviously, the big change in my career is one of the most-awaited things that I am really yearning for ever since I got this teaching stint. It's just really surreal that things are unfolding little by little right in front of me and I don't even know what to do with all of these things. Perhaps this mere fact is the reason why a myriad of emotions is quickly going in and out of my life. All of these feelings are very overwhelming that it ironically depresses me in a way.

Now that there are just seven months to go before I actually pack my books, empty out my locker and wave a big 'good riddance' to everything I have been with for the past four years, I've been thinking - should I actually make this whole writing stint a sort of a career for good? It's what I've dreamt of time and again. It's what I actually yearn for ever since I became a literature major. However, things just have a way of altering your mind in one point or another. That's probably one of the reasons why I actually end up holding a chalk and writing on a blackboard rather than holding a pen and writing on blank pieces of paper.

Well, there are still a few months to go, and I still have a lot of things to do, and a lot of things to discover. And besides, I still have some issues to solve other than this one.

Happy Birthday, blog. Thanks for keeping me sane, if I am sane.