notes from the cleft

The Not-So-Great Commission

2014-04-04T17:22:00.001-05:00

Can We Talk? ............. No, seriously. I need to get this off my chest and be free of it. It's not flattering and it's not pretty, but it is in fact, where I'm at. And, where I'm at...... is caught- caught in a lie, caught in sin and caught squarely in disobedience.

Can We Talk? .......... We need to talk about this. Or at least, I need to talk about this. And, what is "this" exactly? Ughhhhh. It's evangelism. Sharing the Good News, the Gospel...... You know, that whole "Going into the world" thing?? Taking the truth of God's word, the message of salvation, into a lost and dying world?? "This" is that. And, "that" has turned my little ordered world upside down.

I have the distinct privilege of going to a church that cares about the lost and not just cares, in a "Dang, I wish they weren't all going to hell" kind of way....... but, in a "Let's organize, mobilize and evangelize the whole world" kind of way. And, I love it!! I really do! From the top to the bottom, our church is filled with people who are more than a little passionate, about sharing the Gospel........ passionate about seeing lives, families, communities and yes- THE WORLD, transformed by the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. And, so it is in this environment, this active and vibrant- Gospel sharing environment- I find myself, caught. Completely and utterly, caught.

You see, I thought I was already doing "this". I thought "this" was one area of my calling that I could feel comfortably good about........ after all, I love Jesus! Really, I L-O-V-E love, the LORD! I talk to and about Jesus all the time, most of the time, in fact. I go to church, I teach bible studies........ I read the Bible........ I mean, I got "this" down! Don't I? I sure thought I did. I thought I had moved well past the "knowing" and was knee-deep in the "doing" of scripture.

And, I was so close, really I was. As my dad says " Close only counts in horseshoes." Close only counts when absolute, right or perfect is not necessary..... when no score is given or winner is declared- close is just fine. But, close doesn't often count in life and if you don't know it yet, let me be the first to tell you- close doesn't count with God. You either are or are not; sinning or not sinning.........hot or cold, obedient or disobedient- there are not degrees to this stuff. What do you call someone who is "kinda saved?" Lost. Now, I know that seems harsh and abrasive in our "everyone who participates gets a ribbon" culture........ but, when it comes to taking up your cross and following the Lord Jesus Christ and walking out BIBLICAL obedience, partial obedience is disobedience. Incomplete, delayed or almost obedience.......... is disobedience. You either hit the mark or you don't, and I had missed the mark and found myself in the area of obedience but, not in actual obedience........ and that, is disobedience. Friend, I was circling the block, but didn't have the address. I was knee-deep in "knowing" but, "not doing" and the real kicker is I didn't know I was not doing. But, boy do I know now.

CAUGHT

It all started in January, the Lord was calling me out and into new and deeper waters- waters of obedience. It was so clear and everywhere I turned, the Lord confirmed this call to uncomfortable and radical obedience. And, I felt so ready for the challenge! I was feeling like God was just showing off for me, answering some prayers and petitions that I'd been making for several years. He has given me some of the greatest opportunities lately....... put people and purposes in my path that are just what I need. And, little by little, calendar square by calendar square, I could see how God was being so faithful in equipping me, leading me and really filling in some of my many gaps......... helping me become the more well-rounded teacher, writer, speaker and disciple that I long to be. I am getting to be around people who are sooooooo much smarter than me, be around teachers who are way, way better than me, women who have more Bible knowledge and Godly wisdom than I ever will. I wake up every morning and praise Jesus, that I am entirely out of my league in most everything I'm doing right now. And, that should be enough, shouldn't it? Genuine love of the Lord, genuine growth........ seeking obedience and surrendered to the process.......... those are good things, that's not falling that short is it? Isn't this exactly where we hope our walk leads?

If only God would leave His clay pots alone long enough to dry. But, what kind of Heavenly Father would He be, if adequate was enough for His children? What kind of creator, would stop at day 4 and reply, "Mehhhh- Maybe not perfect, but certainly good enough." Not my God, my God is the God of faithful completion, of exceedingly and abundantly more.... the God of fulfilled purpose and accomplishing all that concerns me. It's mostly my fault, I guess it's entirely my fault, really....... I did the asking, "Lord reveal to me areas of my life that are lacking, areas of disobedience........ open doors to sin." What was I thinking?!?! I would have been totally content to just keep doing what I'm doing. Totally content to keep my busy little schedule of things I love. If it wasn't for conviction........ wet blanket, gut-check conviction. Killjoy.

It started one Sunday morning, harmless enough. Our church was about half way through one session and getting ready for the next session of CWT.... or Can We Talk? Can We Talk? is a 6 week- Wednesday night, evangelism strategy that teaches a believer to share the gospel and to equip others to do the same- an absolute core value of our church. I've seen the classes, heard the commercials and testimonials and every time, I think, "Praise God! I'm so glad we (the royal we) are doing this, I hope a ton of people go!" I feel nothing but excitement every time it's mentioned, I've even spent time praying on Wednesday nights over their efforts. I'm a part of this, right?!?!

Pastor asked how many people have had someone share the Gospel with them in the last year...... chirp, chirp. Not to worry, that can happen........ our life is church, our friends are church friends, we talk about church....... at church...... with people..... from church. That's not a bad thing, that's just the circles we run in........ right? Then, he asked who had shared the Gospel with someone in the last year. I honestly couldn't tell you if anyone raised their hand, I'm sure many did, but I was oblivious- I felt like a white hot light was shining on me. Aw, man!! I know that invisible light, it always accompanies a stirring in my spirit that means, "Hey You! Don't look around, I mean you Sara! This is for you....... It doesn't matter what anyone else answers- "HAVE YOU, SARA JOHNSON, SHARED THE GOSPEL WITH ANYONE RECENTLY????" Man, I really thought about it. I try to share the Gospel when I speak to a group in some form or another...... I talk about it all the time....... I wanted so badly to see a face come to mind, but I knew there would be none. And, that is how I got caught....... caught on a Sunday morning, caught with my hand down....... caught in what I recognized, and wanted to reject immediately, but knew without question was sin. I started to question, "Why, Lord? I am bold, I'm not afraid of talking about you with anyone, even when it's the hard uncomfortable stuff. Why do I feel so convicted? Why do I have the sneaking suspicion, I might be very wrong?"

THE CONVICTION

One of those Sunday afternoons, I was looking on my Facebook page and it just struck me how many people are doing multi-level marketing stuff......... becoming distributors, ambassadors, independent consultants, life-changers..... whatever you wanna call it- selling stuff. And, it's good stuff....... skin care, vitamins, fitness stuff.........weight loss, all natural cleaning, make-up, shakes, the occasional spatula....... and on and on. I thought about how many times I've done the very same thing, signed up to sell something or talk about something, and my one criteria? It has to work. How eager we are to proclaim to the world, "This will change your life! This works, it's guaranteed. I've tried it and just look at the results!" Man, I tell you what, I love to share a good deal or a good product. You want a restaurant recommendation? Got it! Doctor, hairdresser, yard guy? Got it, and wait just a sec, 'cause I'll give you a card! And, you can bet your life, if I tried something and actually lost weight, I'm putting up "before's", "during's" and an obnoxious amount of "after" pics!!! And then, I'm selling it to you friend, and I'm going on vacation!!! Personal experience is pretty motivating, huh? "Guaranteed to work," makes us pretty bold, doesn't it?

But, how boldly and confidently am I passing on the name of Jesus? How quick am I to share the name of the one person who is 100% everything, all the time? He never disappoints, you would never be dissatisfied, never regret it..... He only, always makes better, improves the quality, health, performance and beauty of absolutely everything. He has NEVER had a bad review....... He offers a satisfaction money back guarantee and never once, has had to fulfill it. He keeps every promise He's ever made, IN ALL OF TIME, and it can be proven throughout history. He is always on time, eternally consistent..... he doesn't just deliver...... HE IS THE DELIVERER. And, customer service? Oh, does He ever care about people! HE GAVE HIS VERY OWN LIFE, FOR PEOPLE- FOR YOU.

And, you wanna talk about "before's and after's"??? Wow, now that is the really exciting part! Darkness to Light, lost to saved, hell to heaven; dead to life, filthy to clean; alone, unwanted and unworthy....... to loved, desired and redeemed?? I was thinking about this that Sunday, I don't have any "before" pics from before I met Jesus. I don't have any pics of my despair or defeat. I have "before" scars, "before" wounds..... now healing nicely, I cried "before" tears and hurt from "before" pain, but didn't take time for any selfies. Nothing to run through Instagram and add an artsy filter or snappy caption to. No pics of what lost looked like, it looked mostly like everyone else, anyway. I don't have "before" pics of my depression or disappointment....... I don't really have any good pics that show just how insecure, afraid or broken I was, how in need of a Savior I was......... but, praise Jesus, I have the "after's". Friend, I am the "after." My "after" wakes up every morning glad to be alive, blessed with a husband and family, a calling, hope and a peace about every day before and every day to come. My "after's" aren't on a wall secured or held by a pin- they are living, breathing..... in my heart and home, secured by my Savior and held in HIS hand. Oh, I absolutely have the "after's," friend; my "after's" call me Mama and Babe and prove that God is the gracious, JOY GIVER every day. My "after" is what motivates me to stay in the Word, share everything I possibly can, tell every single thing the Lord does for me. I could "sell" this standing on my head based on my "before and after!" Given the time and opportunity, I could convince anyone to buy into this- and not based on my ability, but my God's reality.

But, where's my website, where are my recruits and converts? Where are the people that I have shared my treasure with who are now walking in their "after" and multiplying around me? Where is the fruit of the love, I thought so loud? Maybe I'm not as bold as I'd like to think.

THE CONFUSION

The more I prayed about this, the more I began to question my boldness, my obedience. In fact, the more I prayed about Can We Talk? the more confused, convicted and uncertain I became. How can I feel so convicted to do something that I'm already doing? I love the Bible, I love to teach it and talk about it. I love to share my faith and what the Lord is doing in my life. My goal is to be a disciple and disciple maker....... what am I missing, Lord? I shouldn't feel this way, I should feel great about my efforts to share the Gospel, I should feel great about my great commission....... I mean as good as anyone who's not an evangelist should feel.............
"You see, evangelism is not really my gift. Some people are evangelists, some are not and I am not. I am a teacher (I use the term loosely)....... I want to expound on God's word, be a small part of someones discipleship process. I love evangelism, I value and support it, but it's not my calling. And, you should really identify your gift and then serve in that area or you become frustrated........... "

    As I write that, I am embarrassed at how ridiculous that sounds, and not because it's incorrect-it's not........... but, because I incorrectly applied it. I had used spiritual gifting, or lack thereof, to excuse myself from doing the most important thing God instructed His church to do:
“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

    I thought, in my "wisdom," I had identified my strengths and was going to focus on just those. I thought sharing the gospel, literally telling a lost person about Jesus, was the work of an evangelist- one who possesses the necessary boldness, language and skills to do this- skills I don't have. I thought rather than "mess it up" I should leave it to those who "do it right, who get it right," this most important conversation. You do your thing and I'll do mine...... and when you put them together........ Ta da!!! The great commission! It's not that I didn't want to be a part of the great commission, it's that I thought I already was. But, the reality is that my great commission is not so great, after all.

You see, those powerful directives, "Go and make disciples...... Share the good news...... Be fishers of men...." those weren't instructions given to just pastors, evangelists or the apostles, but the church- the whole church. Me..... and YOU. But, I wasn't "going" anywhere or "making" anything- I was very much "staying." I had stepped out of the boat altogether and allowed myself to simply help in the cleaning process, from the safety of the shore.

THE COMMISSION
And, here is what the Lord convicted me of:
*Encouraging other believers in their faith...... is not the same thing as sharing the Gospel.
*Leading a Christian lifestyle and letting that be my testimony.... is not the same thing as sharing the Gospel.
*Teaching at church, Christians who are already in church, about a God they already believe in....... is not the same thing as sharing the Gospel.

This world is dark and growing darker, it does not need my color commentary on Jesus- it needs my Jesus. Personality, blogs and wall plaque religion do not bring the dead to life or set captives free. This world needs a Savior, not sympathetic scribes.

And, my words, when compared with the supernaturally empowered Word, are insignificant....... unless my words are His Words.

Now, please hear my heart, this may seem like semantics and subtleties- but, there is a difference and it's one we simply must understand. These things are Biblical, good and valuable- they are a necessary and important part of making disciples- but, they are insufficient without sharing the Gospel. And, my zeal for, and commitment to, the disciple making process is in vain, if I'm not in fact........ making disciples. These are steps in the same process, but steps 2-5 are irrelevant if step 1 is not done first. It's like saying I am passionate about building homes, about seeing them built correctly, beautifully and to their fullest potential....... but, I care nothing about their foundations. Am I really that passionate about building homes, if I do nothing to ensure they stand?

You cannot disciple the lost. You cannot help someone who has no faith, grow in their faith. You cannot instill the truths of scripture to someone, if they do not know the God who inspired them. You cannot build upon which, there is no foundation. And, our God is in the foundation business, solid rock, in fact. So, we my friends- must be in the foundation business; the first step, ground floor, square one, back to basics business of.......... Sharing the Gospel.

My name is Sara Johnson. I am the wife of a worship pastor. I am called to ministry. I have served in ministry for 13 years and while I have tried to encourage and challenge other believers, tried to minister to and meet the needs of the lost or hurting, I am guilty of allowing others to fulfill MY great commission. I have shared the Gospel as a counselor at camps, a speaker at retreats and a volunteer at altars. But, the only stranger I have ever met and asked point blank- "Do you believe that Jesus Christ is Lord?" was a homeless man in New Orleans named Jose Ferrer, and he asked me first. A homeless man who stood on street corners with Bible verses scrawled on cardboard and a Bible degreed, Bible teaching pastor's wife.......... And, who was more obedient in their call to share the Gospel? No need to respond, I already know the answer and it breaks my heart. I am guilty of pursuing and accumulating knowledge and then withholding it from those who needed it most, guilty of waiting in my sanctuary for you to wander in- instead of going into your darkness to find you.

Imagine someone on fire and you encounter them and you just happen to know something about fire, in fact you were once on fire, too. And, what a small world this is, such perfect timing! You not only know all about fire- how the fire started, different kinds of fires and why they burn differently......... how frustrating, hopeless and painful it can be; but, you know how to put the the fire out! You know how to end it, begin healing, how to prevent future fires...... in fact you know how to undo the damage entirely, like it never happened! Wow, that is so great that you know all that and you just encountered someone clearly engulfed in flames. And, as you walk by you have such a deep sense of purpose and satisfaction that you know all you know.......... but, you don't pour water on them. You don't put out their fire.

You find yourself thinking "Man, I hope someone helps them, I hope someone more comfortable or gifted than me, comes along to put out their fire........ and if they do, I'll faithfully teach them all I know. Come see me at church......... and I'll tell you how to recover, heal and avoid matches.

Isn't that exactly what I've done? Whether I intended to or not I omitted the most important, relevant piece of information. What I have said with my great commission omission was, "I hope someone tells them about Jesus, so I can tell them how to walk a little closer with Him."

THE CHALLENGE
That's a difficult thing to digest. It's upsetting and disappointing to realize you have fallen short in an area of such significance. But, the precious thing about our Father, is that He reveals sin for our good. I don't feel condemned, I feel convicted. I don't feel charged, I feel challenged. This process and journey has led me closer to my Savior, not further away. When the Holy Spirit and the Word correct, growth and obedience follow.

I signed up for Can We Talk? We are two weeks in and though it makes me nervous and a little scared- I'm all in! Some people are truly gifted evangelists and I may never be one of them, but my responsibility as a believer is to be equipped, prepared and willing. This session of CWT has 286 people signed up for it. That's 286 people, seeking to be equipped to boldly share the Gospel...... 286 people getting into cars on Wednesday nights and going into enemy territory, to be light in dark places. This Wednesday, the Gospel was shared 90 times to 137 people and saw 24 pray to receive Christ. 24 people that didn't know freedom, now do. 24 people who had not just their day changed but, their eternity changed.

I've been practicing my outline on my kids........ at first I can tell I'm mechanical, awkward and seem silly to them. They watch as I show them with my hands what Jesus did on the cross and I find myself wondering, will it be me who leads my children to the Lord? I pray for their salvation everyday, I have entrusted it to the Lord and have begun to praise Him for it, in advance. But, I also understand it may be a Sunday school teacher, a friend, their daddy or Papa who leads them to the Lord. I've begun praying for whomever that person may be, praying they are somewhere walking through scripture; being obedient, even if it's uncomfortable, to their great commission calling.

I've also started to pray for those whom I'm being prepared for. There are people in my territory and I'm not sure how or when our paths will cross, but I'm certain they will........ and I will be ready with Step 1 of Disciple-Making: Sharing the Gospel.

My Jericho Wall

2014-02-15T23:51:00.003-06:00

I’ve known and existed with you for more days than I can count. In the morning you are there.......before my feet take their first steps, the reality of you shapes my day- what I will and won’t........ or can’t do. And, in the evening you bid me good night, a gentle reminder of your painful and undesired consistency. You have been my faithful companion of doubt and fear. When the sun shines and light bounces off your frame and in the darkest of night....... even in shadows, I can make out your borders. I’ve seen you from a distance, I’ve even run towards you, into the wind and full of what I thought was courage........ determined to overcome. But, the closer I got the more imposing you became, until my run slowed to walk.....my speed and determination, left somewhere on the ground behind me. And, we stood face to face again- as we have so many times and it’s always me who turns first, who bows my head and shrinks back. So tired of disappointment, so tired of failure......it’s become less painful, to never endeavor.

For so long, I thought you were there for my protection, a boundary to help me identify my territory, my lot. A barrier to teach me to be content with what you have deemed is enough. But, the days are increasing in number when I find myself restless within your limits. I find myself wondering what your absence would be like........ wondering what is on the other side, what is it that you hide from me? You see, I’ve been listening to the words of another. It started as an occasional whisper, but the voice grows louder and more insistent, He begs my attention and demands my action. And, even though what He proposes seems impossible...... it’s illogical, even dangerous...... I find that it awakens something in my spirit. And, I think I’d like to see what impossible looks like. My life will never be entirely free of disappointment or pain, and it may indeed be marked by man’s defeat...... but, I will accept my defeat struggling to ascend and no longer in the ground, never having climbed.

You have filled my horizon and blocked my vision, you obstruct my light and distort my direction. Your very presence meant to intimidate me and remind me of this truth- I AM INADEQUATE. Everyday you remind me that I am not enough, that I am not fully free or fully able. Everyday you mock my efforts as I attempt to move forward, everyday you encourage me to give up, to be satisfied with my dissatisfaction. Everyday- until today. Whether kept in or kept out, I’m growing tired of being kept. And, so I’ve come to tell you that today- it ends. Today, is the end of our story together. And, not because I have become any greater or more able, indeed I am as you say- inadequate. I possess no greater power or wealth, knowledge or wisdom, above all or even any other....... But, I am reminded there is one who does........... and it is not you.

I met a man on this road between us, a man greater than other men, ready for battle and empowered by the Lord, a man who has seen victory over principalities and kingdoms of darkness. He reminded me that this ground, this very ground- where you have towered and I have cowered, is neither mine nor yours- But, God’s and God’s alone. Whether it held my wilderness or your vastness, this ground is His- and it is Holy. So, I am done begging you to relent or show me mercy, I am no longer bound by your defeat. Now, I petition The One who is greater than us all.
Out of His loving-kindness, He responds to my cries. He has been with me all along, ever-faithful, ever-loving....... for many days He’s been my Comfort, my Protector and Shelter. He has led me in truth and grace, My Good Shepherd- Jehovah-Rohi. It is my Shepherd’s voice I’ve been hearing, it is to Him I respond. He speaks to my brokenness, to my weakness and fear and He reminds me of His fidelity, His Word and pledge........ and even when I have nothing else, when I am tired and afraid, I can rest in Him. But, the time to rest is over.

He declares, it is time to move forward...... not in my strength, but in His alone. He is my Banner, Jehovah-Nissi, the battle belongs to Him and His victory is already won. I am not a great warrior, but I serve the Lord of Armies and the only weapon He asks me to carry is that of obedience and I carry it gladly. I have been circling you, silent steps of faith for 6 days. He has quieted the voices of fear, the voices that taunt and discourage, the voices that remind me of past defeats...... He has silenced them all. I only hear the voice of my Savior, He guards my mind and commands my steps, each step walked out- building quiet courage...... but, today we shout, today we roar!

Do you hear my steps today? Do they sound differently than before? It is not me you should fear, but The One who walks with me and we are kicking up dust today. Today there will be shaking and quaking and trembling..... and for the first time in so long, it won’t be from me. Today the trumpets will sound and the shouts of His children will fill the air, as the Presence of the Lord comes to tear down walls...... comes to subdue this land. He has come to give access, where everyday before it has been denied. He has come to bring freedom and life to those who’ve been in chains. He has come as my defender and covenant keeper. Today, He has come to reduce my boundaries and limits to dust, to call me out of wilderness and into promise.

I once had a wall. But, my God traded me for a city.

BLACK FRIDAY

2014-01-02T04:00:00.000-06:00

The issue of RED DOORS is what I thought about all week long and it really convicted me. As though the role of being a good parent isn't enough to intimidate, I now carry more fully, the responsibility and weight of knowing that in days of leisure and days of stress, in days pulled together and days undone, in weariness and silliness....... I am ALWAYS communicating something about Christ, to whomever is around, especially little eyes and ears. I am always shaping and contributing to my kids perception of life, love and what walking with Christ looks like.

   Here is how I see it- My actions and the heart behind them, can either create a hedge of protection around a garden growing, one that has variety and life, one that has roots running deep, bearing fruit and welcoming growth........ OR my actions can create a different barrier altogether- one with thorns and snares, that less protects and more limits and confines, one that keeps nourishment out and creates a dry, hostile land....... a place that wounds and bruises as you try to navigate it, a place that encourages fear. And it is my children who trod there, wherever it is- and it is I, who have placed them there. Makes you think of land management a little differently, no?

   And, now we get to the part that some may hate, but you really shouldn't hate it............ This is NOT condemnation or criticism. I repeat, THIS IS NOT CONDEMNATION. And, if what you take away from this is condemnation, make a conscious decision to reject it - because THAT is the enemy. This is an invitation for us to think about things, discuss things and evaluate what we want to do with it........ Maybe we make some changes, maybe we don't........ either way is fine, but I'm warning you right now, be prepared for his attack. He HATES it when we pause to reflect, when we press in and welcome the Holy Spirit to challenge us........ just as humility delights our Father, it enrages the enemy. As much as our Father wants His children to be humble, teachable and wise- our enemy wants us to be puffed up and superior, beyond reproach or correction, excused from consequences, unwilling to acknowledge that we could be wrong...... about anything. He wants us to be so busy being offended that we couldn't possibly have time for improvement, we couldn't possibly slow long enough to yield ourselves and our motives, to examination by HIS gracious gaze.
    Satan doesn't want us to feel challenged, he wants us to feel criticized. Criticized means you're being attacked and when you're attacked, you have no choice but to be defensive. But, in Christ we are not walled-off, wounded victims in need of defense- we are warriors, overcomers and victors in Him- who pursue wisdom and welcome truth. So, here we go- ya big winner!!

We are going to talk about Black Friday, at least we are going to start with it.......... and it's going to be okay. It's going to be be okay and as pointless as it sounds, it matters.

Let me start with this statement, and then I will repeat it many more times: There is nothing wrong with shopping on Black Friday or even Thursday. Let me prove my sincerity in saying that. The first, and one of the few times, I ever shopped early on Black Friday, was the year Berkley was born. Talk about time away from your kids! She was in the NICU........ and me spending a few hours out was healthy, helpful and entirely fine. She was born right before Thanksgiving and I was discharged late in the afternoon, the day before. I went home tired, emotionally and physically exhausted, from being in cardiac ICU all week, and with no baby....... and that was my first Thanksgiving with a daughter. Everything had happened so fast, there was none of those weeks of nesting or decorating, no wandering Target stocking up on onesies or diapers. It was just over, and though we made it through the worst, we still had months of waiting and watching ahead, and I knew it. We had our lunches and dinners, and about 5 AM I met my mom at Holland Gardens- for you West Texans- and I got a great price on sweet baby girl ornaments. And, it completely delighted me. I had such heart trouble, I hadn't walked in about 7 days and it felt so good to be out in the cold morning air........ it felt so good to be around smiling people, scurrying around. I had a chai latte and the whole experience was completely cathartic for me. I don't regret it and I'm not embarrassed about it.

I haven't had much opportunity since then for Black Friday snooping, mostly because we are usually on the road traveling or otherwise obligated, but I too, often hear the call of super discounted Sonic toothbrushes from Kohl's, the mattress toppers I didn't know I needed or...... "What's that?? A sale on graphic tee's?!?!? Um, Yes Please!!!" I really am quite a pro at waiting for the one store to do the coupon, that you can combine with the bucks, PLUS the additional discount when you use your card....... and just like a wild cat of the Serengeti, I circle.... wait, circle more ( in the parking lot) and pounce!! Fleeces (polar, not biblical,) jammies and jeans for the babies!!!! How P31 of me, right?!?! It's in the Bible, you know?

"She is like the merchant ships, (I have an inactive ETSY account that I never sold anything on, but I have fully intended to knit, make bows, explore my non-degree area of graphic design and chalk art...... and the pallets! All those stupid, pallets!!) bringing her food from afar." (I know where a Marketstreet is and occasionally purchase high end probiotics from Whole Foods.)

"She gets up while it is still night (because Walmart's 24 hours and grocery shopping with children is like taking un-caged, ruthless and hostile monkeys- who develop sensory issues, before you pass the Redbox outside- into a carnival....... and I die a tiny bit inside every time we go as a group) she provides food for her family (true, it's kinda required and my meals do meet sorta, halfway-ish, semi-rigorous standards, but they're sure nothing to photograph or compile an heirloom cookbook over) and portions for her female servants." ( yeah, my female servants........ cause I've got 'em...... in my alternate reality on the Abbey)

"She considers a field and buys it; ( Did I mention I'm from Lubbock, folks? I've considered a field or two....... and a stockyard....... and a feedlot when the wind blows....... I'll leave that to people who have a clue what to do with it, it's what's best.) out of her earnings she plants a vineyard." ( I committed 90 days to growing herbs from seedlings, so the children could see life in all of it's phases and I could end up with copious amounts of basil......... Day 70- Princess and the Toad decided to play Robin and Batgirl near my special "growing window". I vacuumed up ridiculous amounts of organic dirt and about 5 wicked small, barely visible single leaves. The only thing they saw in all of it's phases, was Mama. NEVER. AGAIN.)

  "She sees that her trading is profitable (because there's an app for that) and her lamp (back-lit glow of my candy crushing oracle, I mean phone) does not go out at night." (because that's when I have my "quiet time"....... or what I sometimes refer to as "Sara, Get It Together" time)

   So yeah, I'm pretty much nailing that life like a boss. I bet Ol' Miss P31 doesn't salivate like Pavlov's dog every time there's a ding in her inbox alerting her to doorbusters, online blitz sales, coupons, bucks or BOGO's. That is a whole different conversation, check your inbox friends, what does it say about you? I'm currently working my way through about 200 things I need to unsubscribe from. It's a journey.

   So this year, I had no real need or desire to shop, but even if I had, my whole house was sick with the flu and I was exactly 55 minutes from even sub-par shopping, or I probably would have found my way somewhere. But, as I watched all the cell phone videos roll in, I was grateful to be home. Did it seem different to anyone else this year?? For whatever reason, hearing all the reports of people fighting over stuff just broke my heart. It was probably exactly the same as years prior, but somehow in my spirit it looked and felt more desperate, more frantic......... and it made me deeply sad. I was sad for our country, sad for our families, just sad that this is our state of affairs.
    Can anyone relate to that? I saw someone comment on FB how ironic it was and how only in America, would we celebrate a time of thanksgiving and being grateful for what we have, with going out and literally fighting over getting more. That is a sad thing. The more I saw, the more convicted I became about what my actions say to my children about my priorities. What if I had gone out shopping? What if I had taken them with me? What if I had to explain people yelling and elbowing each other over toys?

   I kept seeing on Pinterest these cutesie little homemade plaques, that someone had expertly manifested in their craft room (gag me) ((totally jealous of crafty people)) I think I may have just invented a higher level of punctuation! I just parenthe-sied my parenthesis, giving insight into my insight!!! Brilliant! (not brilliant) ((near illiterate))   I digress....... cutesie little signs that said "Gratitude turns what you have, into enough."

   All day long I kept thinking, what does that say to my kids if I spend 30 days telling them how grateful I am for all that we have; how as long as we have our health and each other...... we are rich, how we have plenty and there are some with nothing and how satisfied and blessed we should feel......... until midnight tonight, when all of that changes and now we need more. What does that say to my kids, if I tell them all of that, the whole month of November, and then the during the few days that we have to relax and enjoy time together, I leave them and choose to be with strangers? Remember that new phase my kids are in? That one, that is more aware and watching me and their daddy to see what's important to us and what will one day be important to them? Yep, that's the one. Totally cramping my style.

   I am the quintessential hunter-gatherer, wielding my smartphone and groupons like weapons, highly skilled, highly dangerous....... but I find the role I'm most concerned with right now, is that of shepherd- and I'm just terribly consumed with the welfare of my precious little lambs. And my little lambs, could care less if I got a deal. In fact, there's a lot that I buy, that they could honestly care less about........ but they care about our family time. They will remember our family traditions at holidays. They will remember how we lived out Thanksgiving.

    Let me say again, there is nothing wrong with shopping after Thanksgiving. This is not taking a jab at people who did. This is not a call to believers to boycott something. I am simply telling you what I am struggling with right now and how I got there. Me staying home this year was NOT because I'm wiser, or deeper, or love my family more....... it was mostly lack of initiative and opportunity. But, I won't be out on the next Black Friday and it will be entirely on purpose. Maybe not for everyone and maybe not even every year for me, but I know right now- for me specifically, God is calling me out and away from some things, asking me to lay down some things that are not necessarily bad, but maybe not beneficial.

You see, we all have free will....... and just as the lost either choose to follow Christ or choose not to, the believer must sometimes choose what we can do in freedom and what we should do in freedom. Does this ring true for anyone else? Here's a terrible example, but it works: I used to really love scary movies growing up, love them all- suspense, mystery, crime, paranormal...... you name it. Something about having kids changes that, I'm not sure why, it just does. But beyond that, the Lord really started dealing with me about fear........ in my life I've had more than my fair share of fear- fear of dying, fearing of my kids dying, fear of ruin, fear of failure and on and on. The more the Lord began to heal me from fear, the more convicted I became about what I watched. As silly and insignificant as it seemed, I knew the Lord was calling me to lay these things down. And, He began to show me through His word, that I was not made for fear, it's not an emotion that my mind or spirit is designed for and it's not something that I should be seeking out or enjoying. He has given us a spirit of power, love and a sound mind...... and if I wanted to to be a courage filled warrior, then I needed to detox thoroughly- so that when I did feel fear creep in, I could identify it, know it's the enemy and reject it. Now, are scary movies or 20 years of Law and Order reruns bad? Nah, probably not. Am I bound by biblical commandment to avoid them? Nope. But, has it benefited me to give them up? Absolutely! Would I trade the freedom from fear for the freedom to do what I want? No way!!!

In my stumbling walk through faith, I have found that the more I really know my Savior- the more His Word is hidden in my heart, the more I really "get" the freedom I have found in Him and the grace required to provide it........... the more reverent I become........... the more reverent I become, the more willing I am to accept boundaries. And, not just accept boundaries, like a child who has no choice........ I WANT THEM, I need them and I know it. That seems like a great contradiction doesn't it? More freedom = more rules? It's not though, and it's the most beautiful picture. You see, it wasn't just my salvation and eternity that was bought on Calvary, it was my FREEDOM. Let that sink in for a minute. Colossians and Galatians tell us that God has purchased our freedom with His own blood. But, it's a different kind of freedom, one that is pure and absolute, and entirely opposite of what the world tells us it is. Christ's shed blood bought our freedom from the bondage of the law- a life that required ritual to have a relationship........ His blood bought our freedom from the curse and condemnation of sin, He became the sacrifice to pay my sin debt and to save me from death- and His covering allows His blessings to fall on me, instead of the curses I deserve. That just overwhelms me to even think about! That is freedom! That is life changing, attitude adjusting freedom.
    Freedom is not just an idea or word for the world, or believers, to throw around as something we should pursue or are entitled to. Yes, even believers......... Christians love to remind the world and other Christians of our "freedom," usually in the context of why we are or aren't doing something we should, we get into competing with each other to see how "not under the law" we are. We think that freedom in Christ is free will without consequence, an excuse to do what we will and it's not...... it's so much more.
    Freedom in Christ, is not being consumed by guilt and despair at the end of each and every single day because the weight of sin is so great. It is being given the promise of healing and deliverance from everything that seeks to keep us in chains. It is knowing with absolute certainty, that in EVERY trial my ultimate victory remains secure. I am free from worry, fear, insecurity and doubt and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM! I can't earn it, I can't lose it!
It's this amazing gift, that when we fully understand the breadth and depth of, we want to protect and preserve it. I don't ask the Holy Spirit to convict or prune me because I'm glutton for punishment, I ask because I "get it!" I get, that my freedom and life is blood bought, by Love- a gift that is highly treasured and I want to guard it and use it fully and wisely. Going back to Red Doors, my desire for obedience, or serving God with my life is not because I'm in bondage, it's because I'm BELOVED! Freedom is not my reason to do what I want, it is my reason to do what HE WANTS.

   Have I said yet that shopping on Black Friday is not bad?? Or whatever day your bargain hunting little heart desires. It's not....... and I am all about walking in real freedom, I hope you see that. If I had my way, we'd be standing in Macy's at 4 AM, eating only fistfuls of bacon, getting tattoos and preaching the Gospel just because we can, Hallelujah! But, Satan is a cunning adversary and if he can't lead us into blatant corruption or temptation, he is just as satisfied corrupting the benign things we enjoy. Wanting to love on your family or buy gifts for loved ones is not bad, wanting to be a good steward of your resources is not bad, those are good things. But, Satan takes our healthy desires and appetites and turns them into unhealthy obsessions and next thing you know Pap-paw has got a knife in someone's leg at the WalMart! What in the world, Pap-paw?!?!?!

We may not be actively seeking out harmful, hurtful or dangerous things....... but, our foe has come to steal, and sometimes he steals things that were once fun or harmless......... and he twists it and distorts it, until it starts to reflect more of his heart and less of our own. Forget Black Friday, I doubt the Lord cares much at all about the actual act of shopping, on a particular day........ but He cares about the heart behind it......... sub in anything that was once okay, good even........ and now more and more, seems to be disappointing and messed up. Is there anything that can't be taken to a less wise, less beneficial extreme?

Make no mistake, you will never hear of Satan saying, "Nahhh, I'm just gonna leave that one area alone. Let them have something fun to do. I've got my hands full what with wars, robbing and discouraging people...... Betty send a memo, to the principalities and dark rulers of the world.......... No one messes with holidays, kids select sports, gift giving, social media or prime-time programming." Anyone see the last big holiday parades???? Did you ever think you'd have to encourage your kids to watch Disney because you couldn't be sure what they would see in parade?? Are you kidding me?!?! There is nothing sacred to Satan, he's not sentimental about our traditions. That totally goes against what scripture tells us of his nature. He is unrelenting, malicious, creative and appealing........ and he wants it all. He wants every moment, every treasure, every habit....... HE IS NOW THE DARKNESS ROAMING THE CITY, seeing which door welcomes him in and which one is hidden in red.

   I don't know........ maybe someday, Berkley and I will be out prowling around with our Starbucks alternative, conservative coffees (lol), shopping for the boys........ and the boys will be looking at gadgets or some other manly things together and we'll meet up for pancakes and that will be our tradition. But, it's not right now. Right now we hang back, even though it would be fine if we didn't. We hang back because things are changing and though I can't adequately verbalize why, my spirit is resisting it. And, I feel my spiritual foot drawing a line in the sand.

   And, I wish the line was at something a little more important, a little weightier and less ridiculous than Black Friday- a tad more Gladiator and a tad less Clueless. I'm way more comfortable going all in on principle, the black and white- the wrong and so clearly right. Those hills you spot a mile away, and though you dread the walk up, you've steeled your nerves....... to make your stand. I've lived there. I've died on those hills. And, it's not like the movies- there's no anthem blaring or glory there, no applause from the crowd............ no crowd at all. Let me tell you from experience friend, standing on principle, stepping out in faith and surrendering to obedience.......... trading free will for freedom........ most often looks foolish or crazy, or both. It's rarely recognized, rarely applauded and rarely done in a crowd- and though it always has a price, in our experience- is always worth it, because God always honors it.

But, not every opportunity for spiritual or moral greatness is very grande, sometimes it's silly or secondary, gray and subtle.......... Not every chance to reveal the strength of our character, the guts of our guts- is played out in a crowded coliseum, in fact those moments are quite rare. But, I think the truly great must have honed their skills on a thousand of the mundane, daily grind kind of victories- the ones that no one was watching, the ones in front of their kids or family......... in the car and in the yard, the ones that seemed silly or irrelevant, the ones that were nothing until they were something......... over boundaries and rules...... or GQ interviews. Sometimes even foolish things, require principled people. We don't get to choose every teachable moment, every opportunity where words and actions will matter more than normal, but day in and day out, we choose how we will respond.
   I bet countless parents have been mistaken for sticks in the mud or prudes.......... until they came face to face with a lion.......... and the audacity of their courage was truly revealed.

   Our world IS changing, the incorruptible is being corrupted, the sacred is now secular, wisdom is rude and the meaningless- exalted. And, while we may be a ways off from the impending destruction of Sodom, that doesn't mean God is not calling us to leave the city. Now, that's metaphorically of course, unless you want to move to the country and that's totally awesome, if you do. Better said, we may not be fleeing the city as fire rains down, but I believe as Christians, we will continue to be called to "leave" with our hearts and minds, our habits and actions. The more the "city" falls, the more we have to keep taking a step back from it, evaluating how close we want to be to the fire or rubble, evaluating what we are doing and why. It will be harder and harder to be a people set apart, especially, if we are willing to give up nothing.



Do we look like a nation who is accepting the reality of our changed economy? Do we look like a nation who is adapting to a thriftier lifestyle? Do we look like people who are becoming leaner, wiser and more focused in this dangerous world, people who have learned from their chastening? I don't think we do. I think we look like people who are scared....... scared that if we don't have the stuff, and the stuff doesn't define us anymore, we don't have anything else that does. I think we look like weary exiles, clinging to our crutches and our spiritual flesh- who'd rather stay in bondage than walk to freedom empty handed. I think we look like people who've confused trappings with truth.......... like people who are desperately, frantically trying to hold on to the life we once had, the comforts, the freedom and stuff, we once had. Always looking back......... well, helloooo salty lady!

Shalom Y'all

Red Doors, Black Friday and One Salty Lady

2013-12-14T21:50:00.002-06:00

These will be the most seemingly random things to connect, but I promise if you'll hang with me- we'll connect the dots. I hope............ If I start with where I got to, it wouldn't make sense...... So I have to tell you how I got there, even though how I got there is not near as important as where I got to.......... Boy, am I selling this or what?! Got it? Outstanding. Shall we pass through red doors?

With every passing day, I am more aware of how precious time is. With every passing day, the kids are a little older (a day to be precise,) they are a little more observant, a little more verbal....... and I find myself having to rethink most of my parenting strategies to keep up. Things that they were oblivious to a year ago, they are not anymore. Things- images and words......... that I could take for granted, as they passed through their little filters and emerging perspectives, I can not anymore. I know this for certain, because Emerson knows how to use the term "commando" appropriately.........

You know how your kids get to be a certain age and they repeat something from a commercial or a song, and it both occurs to you and horrifies you that you are now in "that phase." The phase, where you could have grown up conversations in front of them, has ended....... the phase where you could talk about Christmas without spelling every word, is O-V-E-R. And, it has been replaced with a terrifying phase of awareness, and not just awareness, but thinking it over, asking questions and applying it appropriately. Lord Help! I had been telling myself that I was safe because the kids only picked up on A: childlike things that were geared towards them, or B: things that I pointed out to them. I was so hoping they would stay in a cocoon of my own making and control, a place safe and secure, without worry, fear or corruption........ A place where nothing dark or painful dwells, a place where they see only the finest character and the choicest, abundant life. But, they don't live in a cocoon, nor do I........ and it would be weird if we did. This is the world we are born into, in this season and age, and though we don't belong here, we do abide here.

It wasn't really my fault that I began realizing all of this.......... it was Bret Baier's and the All-Star Panel. You see, I love the news. I love politics and government...... like really, really love politics and government........... like live tweet elections, fast during November and have the web address to live stream the senate floor bookmarked on my computer........ and my phone......... that kind of love. Better said- I have a love hate relationship with these things. I find them both fascinating/inspiring and appalling/disgusting, of paramount importance and at the same time entirely ridiculous. And, when it's just me at home, I have on the news like background music. One afternoon, the kids were in the other room watching whatever benign kids show and I was in my room, doing laundry and of course..... watching the news (waiting for the Kraut). Emerson wandered in to ask for a snack and he sat down and waited while I finished folding. Normally, I don't have it on in front of them, but this day I left it on until I was done. Time passed, we made snacks and a couple hours later, Emerson comes back to me and asks about.............. drumroll, please!!!....... our health insurance? On the one hand, I was proud of my budding citizen- it was a logical, thoughtful question. On the other hand, my heart just sank. It sank, because now I realized that just because he's playing with the Batcave, doesn't mean he's not hearing what's going on......... and upon hearing it, he's thinking about it and wondering how it relates to him......... and now it was there as a worry, in his heart and in his head. Dern!! I am so not ready for this, I was just getting used to the constant conversations about the origin of super heroes and talking about Barbies like they are real people! Let's stay there a little while longer!

But, too late. The terrible truth everyone tells you and you never believe? They grow up so fast. They grow up so, so fast. I am now realizing that there is a whole great big world out there, that my kids are becoming more aware of and interested in, a world that is trying to sell, convince, entertain, entice and tempt them into it. A world that is actively vying for their attention, their time (my money!) and at some point their worldview. And, if I'm not careful "the world," even in kid-friendly subtleties, will be what shapes their views about marriage, character, God, money, priorities..............What a frightening thought. But, I don't want to be fearful, I want to be wise.

And, I certainly want to bring my A-game when it comes to this new and evolving territory. How can I understand this better, use it to our advantage.......... make sure the right things are finding their way in? Enter The Bible series. I had been wanting to watch it and just never got around to it, but now I wanted to see if the kids- in this new more mature (lol) phase- would be interested in it. It's not cartoonish, with goofy characters or tinkling music, not visually exciting like Veggie-tales or Superbook. Here, is what I wanted to observe: would they be actively interested on their own, understand and recognize these familiar stories in a different format, and if/how they would process and apply it. This probably sounds a little unnecessary, but I think at the very root of it all, is the heart of a young(ish) mom and the curiosity, worry and fear of realizing my kids are growing up.

So, here we go! In the beginning........ I was immediately delighted. They were both enthralled in Noah, sympathetic to Ishmael and worried for Abraham and Isaac. Emerson especially, he wanted to watch it again the next day, wanted to know when we would get to see the next episode. I was so excited they were genuinely interested. This isn't so bad, maybe it's a good thing, even a great thing, that they are taking in more, seeing the world around them differently. Maybe their sponginess is a good thing!

The first thing the Lord brought to mind, was this: God's word is true and living, and regardless of age or format, it stirs something in our spirits. Whether it is milk or meat, for young or old, there is something supernatural and powerful about it that grips and captivates us. Oh my Word! Do you know what a comfort that is to me?? My greatest fear for my kids is that they will grow up "knowing"- hearing and remembering- the word, but not loving or living the word. Our whole life is church, we are intentional about talking about how central our relationship with Jesus is to everything we do. But, sometimes I feel like I'm getting the "Yeah mom, whatever......." look or response. I want it to be fascinating and real for them, the way it is for me. I don't want all of this to be just their habit, I want it to be their very heart. What a sweet encouragement to be reminded that for all the things that I will have no control over in the future, my God is so faithful, and if I will be faithful to continue making a place for His Word in our home, He will take care of the rest.

Also, we have any number of Bible based shows on all the time and the kids love it, but I do wonder how much, is them responding to the humor, color, sound or presentation of it, as opposed to them responding to the truth of it. Watching The Bible, I could tell they were reacting to the content of it. A great thing and a scary thing. They get and understand content, regardless of what the content is, whether it's truth-filled scripture, useless information or anecdotes and situations that reveal a world I'm not ready for them to know about. They get it, they may not understand it entirely rightly or in the fullest context, but they get it. Good to know.

But, here is the part I really want to share: I was previewing the next episode when I got to the story of Moses and Pharaoh. I know this story forwards and backwards, so I don't know why it struck me differently this time, it just did. I was watching the part about the plagues and finally passover. So many times, we think of this event as a smaller part of a larger whole, we think of it as the last plague......... the last link in a chain of events, one of several ways God demonstrated Himself to Pharaoh. Or, we think about it as one of several examples of sacrifice or "passover" that are leading us to THE Passover lamb, the Messiah. We think of this particular event as a sequential part of both God's judgement and mercy..... both sacrifice and deliverance. And, it is truly all of those things, but just for now..... let's isolate it and work our way from very personal to the much bigger picture.

"Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the door-frames of the houses where they eat the lambs. That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast..............On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn of both people and animals, and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the Lord." Exodus 12:7-8. 12

If I were tech savvy enough I would put that little clip here, but alas nay. I think the 1950's bible art pic demonstrates just how technically gifted I am........ I was able to center it though, so that's awesome. You will just have to picture it with me. Moses gives the Israelites instructions on preparing their house for passover........ the movie cut to the slaves killing the lambs and draining the blood to paint their doors. It made me cringe just a bit and I was glad the kids weren't there to see this. It showed parents- comforting their children, their firstborn sons, as they stood and watched their doors be smeared with blood. I don't know why, but it was the first time I ever thought about what that act of obedience must have been like for actual families, for children to witness and parents to fulfill. And, yes, it was an act of obedience, one that came with both choice and consequence for everyone......... Israelites perished that night too you know, there was weeping in the palace and weeping in the pit.

I thought about those children............. What were those children thinking? What were those sons thinking as they hurried bowls of blood to their own homes and their neighbor's door? Do you suppose some of the older among them understood that their very life, their own salvation, was entirely dependent on their parents obedience? Do you think they understood that explicit directions had been given on the killing, preparing and eating of the sacrifices......... and that their entire community was busy trying to follow each one. They had to have been afraid, they had to have heard the whispers of what awesome and terrible judgement would come that night. The children, if they were even the age of mine, surely saw the earlier plagues- the content, if you will- and even if they didn't fully understand what was happening or the context and value of it....... they saw the content. They saw rivers run red, they saw frogs and swarms of bugs, disease and darkness....... they saw enough, don't you think? Enough for it to have penetrated their mind and heart?? I think even those who didn't have full knowledge and adult understanding of what was happening, knew enough to be afraid.

And, what about the parents of those children? Can you imagine the burden bore by a mother or father, who's obedience and responsive action held their child's life in the balance? I watched those few minutes of the movie, over and over again, and was really challenged to put myself in their place. Can you imagine, "Sara, here is My Word, My instructions........ Your child will live or die based on how you carry them out...... Your child will live or die based on your belief, that I AM........" Could there be greater motivation for absolute and accurate action to be taken?? Would you even know what to do?

Simply, yes- you would. God's Word may not always make sense to us in our natural mind, but it always adheres to order and always has meaning. Our God has every gifting, He is both creative and administrative- and even though fear and chaos seemed to reign that night, He had given the clearest of directions. Look at this text, Moses didn't come back with a general idea, he came back with a precise methodology for how this was to be carried out. This was not an opportunity for interpretation, it was an opportunity for obedience. And, if God is going to require your obedience, He will make it possible for you to give it. He never hides his intentions or expectations, not then and not now.

“This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household. If any household is too small for a whole lamb, they must share one with their nearest neighbor, having taken into account the number of people there are. You are to determine the amount of lamb needed in accordance with what each person will eat. The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the members of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight." Exodus 12:2-6

The Lord didn't just spring this on anyone, they had 10 days before they gathered their lamb and another 4 days of keeping the lamb, until it was to be killed. I don't imagine that there were lots of opportunities for dinner parties for the captive Jews, and this was certainly not intended to be one, but relate it to your world........ 10 days of your menu being set, but you can't get the groceries yet, most important meal of your life....... has 1 item, you will prepare the food with your neighbors, but this is no neighborhood BBQ. There is even a certain way to stand while you eat?!? Who knew? Every mother and father had 10 days to talk about, think about and wonder about what might happen. As a mama, that's 10 days of wondering if you may really lose your child in just a few days, 10 days of reflecting on the calamity you've seen unfold in plagues, 10 days of weighing the stories you've heard in captivity- about your God- and deciding if they're true........... 10 days to decide if you'll be getting a lamb. That's 4 more days of keeping a lamb, 4 more days of preparing for the meal........ 4 more days of circling your sacrifice and making sure it is in fact, without blemish or defect. We've just had several snow days in a row....... if you think tensions ran high on day 4 of snow days....... imagine day 12 of waiting for passover.

I thought about what it must have been like as a mom to wait at our little carved out home, hoping that there was enough blood for my door, what joy and relief I would have felt when it was brought to me. I thought about painting my door as my children stood by watching, uncertain and afraid. Would I have turned to them with confidence and reassured them, had I lived a life that was conspicuously faithful and trusting of the Lord......... would I be able to communicate those truths to calm their fears? Or, would my silence and sobriety make them worry more? What if I had no history of walking with the Lord to point them to? What if bondage had robbed me of faith or courage, and subsequently the ability to comfort? No stones of remembrance, for our family, that my children could recite in times of worry? What if we'd never had "those" conversations before....... about God or obedience, or sin and sacrifice? What if I had never talked to my children about judgement or mercy, until that very night?
But, what if the opposite is true........ maybe there were mothers and fathers who had such unwavering and enduring faith, that they NEVER feared for their child? What if in that house, they ate their meal and then could hardly sleep, not because of dread or anguish, but because they were so brimming with excitement........ such unspeakable joy, because they KNEW their freedom was drawing near?? It just had to be, God had said it.

Strangely, I thought about some of my attempts at craftiness........ I have two basic categories for Pinterest attempts: Pinterest Fails and Pinterest Fails That Maim or Injure. Every single time, without exception, that I have tried to paint, faux, modge or podge something, it has ended terribly wrong..... unworthy of sharing, repetition or having it's pic taken. But, I do remember having paint or stain on
my hands and fingernails for days, either as proof of my effort or an embarrassing reminder. And, I wonder if parents sat there and waited out the darkest of nights, hoping their stained hands were enough...... wondering if those stained hands would hold lifeless children or peacefully sleeping children, when the sun came up.

Don't you know you would use rags or dry brush to paint your door until they fell apart, until all you held was threads and dust....... and then, you would have scraped it out with your fingers and smeared it with your bare hands? I can imagine a mother frantically covering every crack, using her fingers to reach every corner until it was fully and thoroughly red. I would have inspected it over and over, going in and coming out, watching as it dried......... eating a hurried and silent meal.......... and just as darkness falls, I would check the absolute redness of my door one more time........................

And, this is the thought that consumed me, "What if the life and salvation of my children depended on my obedience........ my willingness to make our house markedly, discernibly different?"

Then it occurred to me, what if that is indeed exactly how it is?

The life and salvation of my children and others.........
Now, that's over-simplified of course. It is not us who saves, bad as we may want to. It wasn't the parents or responsible guardians who did the sparing or taking, that dark night long ago, that choice was singularly the Lords. Let us not be confused at all who holds the absolute power of life and death.
   That is where both the beauty and danger of free will lies. In every life there is always a choice, always an effect. There are choices that garner discipline, choices that garner reward.......... choices that invite growth and choices that welcome death. In ministry, we have prayed with heartbroken parents- parents of children who were lost or wandering, children who had unexpectedly strayed........ We've prayed with parents who trained them up, parents who didn't have the training either....... They all wept the same.
We've prayed with children, who grieved for hardened and unrepentant parents, parents who in their final moments rejected God. If we could "obey" the way to heaven for another, surely we would..... but we can't.

...... Depended on my obedience......
   My obedience alone saves no one- NO NOT ONE- not even me, and there will be greater numbers than we'd like to know, of devout, orthodox and obedient people weeping at judgement. But, chew on this for a moment........ my obedience to Christ alone can "save" many. That seems like the same thing but it's not.
Anyone is capable of obedience- hate-filled, evil consumed murderers in prison spend a good portion of their day in obedience, but that doesn't make them righteous. There are religious zealots leading what they consider to be the sincerest, most obedient life....... who are still not saved. For the New Testament Christian especially, our life has to be more than just obedient, even more than moral. Our calling, our passions and pursuits should not be about demonstrating our obedience- or ability to follow directions, but it HAS to be about demonstrating our relationship........ and many times we do that, through obedience. My desire, not to save others- but to BRING salvation to others- falls woefully short, if the motivation behind it is being able to check it off a list of required activities, for righteousness. An obedient life is not about my love of rule following, and I do so love rule following, it is about my love of HIM, my HIM FOLLOWING.

And, that's how it is, isn't it? We bring others to Salvation........ or maybe you take Salvation to others. The Israelites that night, as they divided meat among neighbors and brought bowls of blood to each door........ it was not the person carrying the bowl who saved, but the person carrying the bowl brought salvation, brought mercy masked as blood. Friends, that's the opportunity we have even today. I am capable of redeeming nothing, in fact in my flesh, I only soil and sully more.......... but, I know THE REDEEMER, I know He who does. And friend, I can bring it to you, to your very door.
BUT IT REQUIRES MY OBEDIENCE.

If I am obedient to Christ and Christ alone, it is not just His law that is important, it is His love. And, that changes everything. If I am obedient to Christ alone, and my obedience is motivated by love......... it can change my heart, change my home and change the world. That kind of obedience is what drives missionaries to far off places, what propels the Gospel from fearful mouths, what causes extravagant giving and self-less serving.

..... Am I willing to make my house markedly, discernibly different.......
So now, this is a story of not just obedience, but relationship....... obedience and relationship- that positions us, humbly, before a holy God in a way that invites His protection and blessing. If that is true, and our hearts and actions can accomplish such a thing, than perhaps this is true as well........

"What if my child's ability to grow in the admonition and favor of the Lord, their ability to truly KNOW God and embrace the reality of Him as Savior, was bound by a cord to me......... and my willingness to lead a life that was visibly obedient, my willingness to make not just our "house" but our home, our time, our habit and our treasures....... markedly, discernibly different- set apart from others, hidden behind and clinging to a crimson veil?"

Yes, friend. I believe that's exactly how it is. I absolutely believe that though my child has a will and ultimately a choice, my responsibility as their parent is to lead a life that provides protection, wisdom and at every opportunity an example, that points them to Christ....... and though this life will not be perfect or pain free, I believe that the power of Christ in me, will help me to lead it in unflinching obedience. I believe that just as those frightened parents on that dark night of passover, painted their doors red, to invite God's mercy........... I have the choice to lead a life and to make decisions that invite God's mercy into our home.

I am- friend, YOU ARE- the first representation of Christ that your child will know, and that should change us, THAT SHOULD CHANGE ME. That truth should change.......... no, in fact it IS changing me, changing my heart and my home, it is changing the content that my children see in me. This whole little exercise is showing me this: Yes, I need to continue to be vigilant about what I allow the world to communicate to my children, it does matter, it does influence........ but exponentially more influential, is what I communicate to my children. They are more aware, that's true, but more than any other person, or t.v. show.......... they are tuned in to me. I am broadcasting loud and clear, 24/7 from my living room and my kitchen, in the car and at dinner......... I am broadcasting what is important or should be, I am showing them what mercy looks like or doesn't look like........ I am showing faith and fear, humility and pride.......... Oh, I am showing it all on my channel. Yes, they may pick up a sassy word here or there from a show or a friend, from the world......... but they will pick up the world from me.
    And, my priorities, my words and deeds, habits and hobbies- all of it- is not just telling them who I am, but who Christ is, who I believe He is. What an overwhelming honor and burden to know that for now, my kids are shaping their image of Christ based on me. Now, I will be disappointing of course, even in valiant effort, I will always fall short, and there will be a time in their lives when they realize that the love and nature of their Savior cannot be adequately displayed in any other. But, right this minute, in their mostly protected and mostly innocent view, they are trusting me to walk like..... talk like....... and love like our gracious Father. The part that keeps me awake........ is that until they know our Heavenly Father better, it's not that they assume I am like Him, it's that they assume HE IS LIKE ME.

   In this life, there will be a thousand opportunities for Andy and I to stand at our door with our children, with stained hands. There will be nights of nervous waiting, dark, dark days that require our obedience in the face of fear. There will be times of celebrating and grieving, times of bondage and deliverance. We will stand at our door........... And they will be watching and waiting to see what we do. Will we respond in obedience? Are we shaken and fearful or confident and faithful? Will we bring mercy to our neighbor? Am I willing to make my home markedly, visibly different......... for their protection, for their wisdom, to invite mercy? Am I willing to edit and order my life in a way that positions me in the center of God's will and under His protection?

GOD, LET ME LIVE A LIFE THAT PAINTS MY DOORS RED.

Getting Ready for a Roadtrip

2013-03-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

This post begins a series on Holy week...... ( yeah....as it turned out, God had other plans for me this week. And, as is the nature of stomach bugs in a house with young children..... this was a series of one : ) Hopefully, as Christians, we are already celebrating Easter, sharing the greatest of good news with others and giving thanks for our salvation. But, even to believers......... especially to believers......... it can become more habit than heart. We want to see the stone rolled away, the morning light break and the tomb empty.........it is my favorite part of the story, too. But, is it possible in our celebrating- in our focusing on the resurrection- that we forget the road that was, literally, walked to Calvary? We forget the significance of each word, each day and event that led to the cross. There is nothing accidental or superfluous about Jesus. There is nothing about Jesus, not worth noting.......every word and action, meant to teach or demonstrate to others who He is.

The passage that gives us Palm Sunday is Matthew 21:1-10........The Triumphal Entry. But, as one of my good friends often reminds me, sometimes the Rabbi teaches the most important parts, before and after the "important part."

The Gospels are jam packed with information, moving quickly from birth, to teachings, to death and resurrection. This portion is no different. Just before the Triumphal Entry, in Matthew 20, Jesus gives the parable of the Laborers in the Vineyard, foretells His death and resurrection. This is also where James and John send their mother to ask for preference for them, and that they be seated beside Jesus in heaven. Finally, as they set out for Jerusalem- Jesus stops to heal the blind men on the side of the road, including Bartimaeus. Some of the greatest parts of scripture are right here, all unfolding in a matter of days.

Go back and read this chapter this weekend. Keep in mind Jesus knows why He is heading to Jerusalem, He has always known- and He has told the disciples what is about to happen, He stops to tell them again, in Matthew 20, just to make sure they understand what they are walking to. This is His Triumphal Entry, right? But, not the triumphal entry many had hoped for, though it was triumphant, indeed. He is making a journey on a road that God has ordained as His will, but will ultimately end in suffering and death........ and He knows it. Just as He knows the hairs on our head, He knows the stripes He will receive, the insults hurled against Him and the thorns that will soon tear His brow. He has seen all of this before and a few chapters later we will see Him praying to His heavenly Father, "let this cup pass." Jesus knows the road He walks, He knows that each time He falls asleep and wakes again, He is one day closer to the ultimate victory.....but before the ultimate victory, is the ultimate suffering....... the ultimate sacrifice.

Have you ever prepared to make an important trip? A vacation? Maybe you were being recognized or honored for your job? Everyone of us has prepared for an important event that concerned us, and as is our nature, WE are the focus. What do WE need? What do WE pack? What helps US make the best presentation/impression? Hair, check. Nails, check. Dry cleaning, check. The closest I can relate to this as a housewife/pastor's wife is........and it's quite a stretch, mind you........ the few times a year we go to conferences, go to other churches, speaking/music engagements or retreats that we've done for others. A few days max, and even Andy and I have been known to travel with an entourage.......(ha! I just wanted to see what that was like to say! By entourage, of course I mean Mimi......just Mimi. And, she's less hair and make up and more child wrangler/chaos management. For us, a successful trip is determined by how much we can limit the withering and blithering of our offspring. ) You see, even on the less grand end of the spectrum........even our little jaunts, the occasional coming or going....... all are planned and mapped out according to our need, preference, comfort and convenience. We are no different than you, and when we make a trip......"WE" are the focus, for us. That made sense in my head, but when I see it written out.........."we are the focus for we? I?" Say it however, the gist is, it is all about me....... But not right now, I mean, just on "me" trips........... It's about you, too......when it's a "you" trip. I'm making this worse, I see that now. "Kids, honey......don't get in my way, because this is about ME, I have to do my thing, be focused, sharp.........Get your camera, baby, cause I'm about to be great!"

Have you ever seen a souped up tour bus driving down the highway and ~~wondered~~ ( strike that, we rarely wonder anymore....... we google....) googled what concerts are in town or tried to guess who might be behind those drawn shades? Whomever is in that bus, has a rider......... not a person tagging along...... a tour rider. Some written set of instructions, that lays out everything from lighting, sound and equipment..... to food requests, water preferences.......the normal and not-so normal demands of a person. We have fulfilled many a rider in our day........from a specific brand of mayonnaise, to favorite candies and munchies, chilled or definitely un-chilled water, to foods that meet dietary restrictions for an allergic child who is traveling with, unnamed important person. And, you never mind doing it. It is fun and exciting and you are thrilled that this person is coming and you are thrilled that you get to host and you go out of your way to make them welcome. And you do all of this because they, whomever they are, IS the show. Whatever event is happening, is happening because this person is coming and people will come to see them.........pay real money, in fact! Actual American dollars will be paid to see this one person........and for that, they get to ask for as many mayonnaise's as their mayonnaise loving heart requires!! So, pretty much exactly like Jesus entered the city, right?!?!

It's such a contradiction, it's kinda funny to think about.........Jesus..... uber rock-star of the desert? Making demands left and right? With his elite entourage........of fishermen? Ha! Jesus is the antithesis of self-importance or ego. Short of a donkey, I don't know that He made a lot of demands of His band of merry men. Even the things He needed, were for other people.........fishes and loaves to feed, a bowl to wash others feet, even the donkey He rode in on........was to fulfill Old Testament scripture. I'd like to see that in a rider........."Um, yeah.....we are gonna need all the green M&M's extracted, separated and placed out of sight........Why, you ask??? Oh, just to fulfill hundreds of years of Old Testament prophecy.....that's all."

Let's compare and contrast, shall we? How did Christ prepare to make the most important journey of His life, His destiny? With patience, kindness, humility and grace. His "rider" was not a list of demands, not a list of things He required....but things He promised to give. A beautifully executed to-do list........not showing what is most important to Him, but who is most important to Him....... and that, is us. In Matthew 20, we get a perfect picture of our King.

“But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because

I am generous?’ “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

First, He tells His followers about the kingdom of heaven- that it's for everyone..... Jew and Gentile, those that come early and those who arrive late, ALL are welcome....... He shows such kindness. Grace. He tells them........This was made for you.

Now Jesus was going up to Jerusalem. On the way, he took the Twelve aside and said to them, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!”

He tells the disciples- I will submit, I will suffer, I will die and I will rise again......... What humility and grace. What Love! He tells them.........This will be done for you.

When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

He tells them again, whomever is first, is last and last is first, in the Kingdom. You cannot do this; which requires Me to do it, but, I do it for you. He takes the time to answer a seemingly silly question and He answers it, with Truth........ Encouragement. Grace. Love....... I came to serve you and show you that My Father has prepared a place for you.

As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked. “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.” Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

He finally gets on the road- have you ever thought you would never get on the road? With kids and the endless gear we require to make travel joyful (bearable).......... 8 o'clock is never 8, it's 10.......... and 10 o'clock is always 12:15......... and 1:00, means someone needs to stop. ARE. WE. THERE. YET? I hate waiting to go somewhere or for something to happen...... not waiting for half an hour, waiting...... but the days of waiting, ticking down time until whatever it is...... is. You do the required duties of the week, but you're not fully engaged in anything, you are just there...... waiting. Jesus gets on the road......... and what happens? Blind men shouting at him, begging for mercy and healing. Rather than inform them, that He IS Jesus and is on His way to die and save the world..... and as a matter of fact, is running a bit behind..........He stops and heals their blindness......... He is Patience. Mercy. Compassion. He tells us...... I care about what troubles you. I always have time for you.

His Triumphal Entry was about anything, but Him. Think back to the seating of the new pope, the ceremony, garments, the papal robes, hats, the scepter.......all of this for a man...... maybe even a good man, but just a flesh-made man. I can't even begin to imagine the months....years.... of planning and coordinating that goes into executing this tradition and ceremony.

How I wish I had been in charge of party planning for Holy Week, for my King. He wouldn't have walked miles through dirt, in the heat. He wouldn't have stayed in friends houses, dealt with crowds or ignorant people. My King should have had the finest accommodations, the finest clothes......... there should have been pomp and circumstance, an entourage that served Him, instead of Him serving them. There should have been rejoicing and celebrating all around Him, banners and music. There should have been red carpet, people lining the roads......... anything to show what care went into preparing for Him. I would have done everything in my power to demonstrate my devotion and appreciation........ to tell the world, that Jesus IS the show. Jesus is King and He is here!! I would have pulled out all the stops for my King........ had I been there, had I known. But, my King, is not a man. His ways, are not man's ways........and nothing fit for a man, would be fitting for Jesus. Jesus' road to being crowned King, had a cross in the middle of it.

His Triumphal Entry, before it even began- was marked with humility, loving kindness, mercy, patience, grace, compassion and faithfulness. You see, my King was a King- long before He was ever crowned....... long before the crowds lined the streets of Jerusalem with palm branches and shouted “Hosanna to the Son of David; BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!!! Hosanna in the highest!” Long before He was recognized by the world as such, long before those who doubted......believed...........King Jesus was ALWAYS King, always THE King. Jesus was showing us He was King on the highways and byways, with the clean and unclean, with the filthy, spotted and stained, the poor and afflicted, with the dying child and the orphan, the helpless and hopeless. He was showing us how to be King as He walked the dust of the desert, as He prayed in the Garden and taught on the water. Jesus did not need the robes or crowns of the world, His garment was righteousness and His crown Glory- bestowed on Him, a faithful Son, by His heavenly Father. He IS King, not by wealth, or position, by election or inherited status.........His power and authority are given divinely, by the Creator of All. He was King in the beginning and He will be King, in the end

And yet, the King comes to us as a friend and Father. He makes time for us, He shows us grace and mercy, He answers our silly questions and calms our fears. It is us He stops for, on the side of the road. It is us, that He patiently slows for, making time for our healing and redemption.

What road are you walking? And, how are you walking it? Like an earthly, worldly king-with puffed up pride, demanding attention and respect? Or, like our heavenly King, our Savior- with compassion, mercy and grace? Are you walking your road to God's will, with obedience, humility and time to love others? Or are the needs of others whizzing by you....... a blur outside your window, because you are going so fast......... on your way to being great?

I love everything about Jesus, about His life and Word- but, I especially love the important parts before the "important parts." It is there I find Him, in the parts before the glory and in the verses, before the verses worthy of a sermon series. There He is, just being Jesus, everyday.........walking on the road towards me.

Shalom Y'all
Sara

A Merry Little Christmas

2012-12-22T02:58:00.002-06:00

Some of you have asked for a recap of a message I gave at a recent event, a message that was more directed to myself, in an effort to remain "merry" during this very merriest of seasons. So, for any of you who might be in need of that same reminder.........I present you:

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

If I am being completely honest, and I most always am- I don't know why I say that, but it's one of my favorite phrases.....if I'm being completely honest. It is a most handy precursor, that I use to give myself permission to reveal most anything. People ( I ), use it like bait in hopes the listener will then interrupt with "No please Sara! Be completely honest!......Tell us how you really feel." And, I readily admit this, but, since most of what I reveal is only telling on myself, being open about what the Lord is showing me, convicting me of........using to humble and prune me, I'll keep sharing until the Lord spares me the lesson. But, I digress.
If I'm being completely honest, I've had a bit of trouble getting Christmasy this year. I've been in a bit of a fog lately, discouraged about what I see, about what I sense in my spirit is happening around me, around us.

If I am being completely honest, it is easier for me to get down, than up. There is life, stress, kids, church, finances.......... shut downs, lock downs, roll outs and gridlock........ shootings, storms, hunger, need and suffering. The world has produced a thousand things, any one of which is capable of consuming us with worry, anger, sorrow and grief. It seems like this year more than ever, there is less to be ecstatic about and more to be heartbroken about.

So you can see why I might have struggled to come up with an appropriate message to get people in the mood for Christmas, and not just in the mood, but genuinely get their hearts ready for the most joyous and blessed season of all. I spent weeks praying about it, trying to come up with something light and funny, or at least clever. I considered taking a Christmas carol and using that as my theme or a holiday movie and making it the basis of a devotional.......... but, the more I prayed, the more I felt the Lord repeating to me "Have yourself a merry little Christmas." I kept going to the song and reading the lyrics and every time I did, I found them uninspiring........."from now on our troubles will be out of sight"...... Ha!! ......"hang a shining star upon the highest bough......" Nothing. Nada. No hidden nuggets of wisdom or previously skimmed over meaning, that now came to life. "Merry Little Christmas" is no "O come, O come Emmanuel," if you get my drift. Surely not, Lord.
This can't be the message of encouragement I'm looking for? But, there it was again,
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas, NOW." I knew I was supposed to camp here, but wasn't sure why, so I took it to Scripture and started researching what it meant to be "merry."

Did you know "merry" is in the Bible 38 times? Old Testament and New Testament, in Hebrew and Greek.......Merry, merry, merry.....all over the place. I read every occurrence and every variation, but the one that jumped out at me was James 5:13 - "Is any among you afflicted? Let him pray. Is any among you merry? Let him sing psalms." Other translations use happy, rejoicing and of good cheer, but merry is the intended word from the Greek.

The word "merry" in this verse is the Greek word euthumeo, which is a compound of the Greek words eu and thumos. The word eu describes a good feeling, and it is where we get the word euphoric. It pictures a person who is absolutely elated, thrilled or ecstatic about something. The word thumos is the idea of swelling emotions or a strong and growing passion about something. When these two are joined together to form euthumeo, the new word expresses the idea of a person who is just about to explode with joy! A person who is so excited they can hardly contain themselves, so overwhelmed with joy it floods uncontrollably, out of them!

Great. Fantastic, in fact. This didn't encourage me at all, in fact I was more discouraged than ever and now feeling totally convicted, to top it off! I didn't feel "merry" at all and I certainly didn't feel merry about Christmas! Whatever the opposite of merry is, that's how I am feeling! I'm feeling so anti-merry, so consumed with fear, sadness and discouragement that a black hole-like implosion, that actually drains the merry out of the atmosphere............ is the more likely outcome right now.

Merry is the word of the father in Luke, when his prodigal son returns home. Merry is what was made during the feasts of Esther and the loving romance of Ruth and Boaz. Merry or euthumeo is the word for courage that the angel of the Lord gives to Paul as he faces storms at sea, on the way to Rome.

Merry is not a nation in peril, dangerously close to being handed over to itself. Merry is not families with no jobs and no money during the holidays, merry is not nations at war and merry is definitely not 20 precious children ripped from the earth in the cruelest, most appalling violence. What could we possibly have to be merry about now? It almost seems inappropriate to rejoice during times like these........... and yet, this is exactly the time to rejoice. As it was then and so it is, again.

The greatest, Good News- the entire reason for Merry Christmas- came in darkness just like this. Think about it, Mary and Joseph on the way to Bethlehem for a census.......and why a census? Taxes. And why taxes? Oppression. Merry Christmas came under the rule of Herod, the cruelest and most wicked ruler of the time. Herod was so evil that God sent angels twice, once to the wise men and once to Joseph, warning to stay away from Herod. It was Herod who ordered the murder of baby boys under two, hoping the Messiah would be included.

If ever there was an inappropriate time for rejoicing, it was then. A world so shrouded in darkness; you were much safer, anonymous, silent and in the shadows, then speaking "Messiah" on the streets. This was no time for heavenly hosts; or fixed and radiant stars, that pierce the night sky. And, yet God sent forth His light into darkness then............. just as He does now. Just as we are incapable of readying ourselves for redemption, cleansing ourselves of sin- the world was incapable of bettering itself for the good news of the Savior's birth. You'd think that society, the world................ mankind.......would have gotten it's act together a bit better as they waited for the Messiah, after all they had hundreds of years, to just "be ready"- Right? But noooooo! That's not how it works, is it? His ways are higher than our ways, His timing is not our timing, is it? Love came gently, quietly and innocently as a baby......into a world that had grown tired of waiting, a world that had lost it's way, it's hope, it's beauty and innocence, long ago- a world much like ours is today. Christ came as light into the world, but the world which He illuminated only seemed more filthy and disappointing in His radiant reflection. But, God works in darkness, doesn't He? If you've been redeemed, you know it's true. The most magnificent backdrop for the Light of the World to marvel and astound us, is darkness, total and consuming darkness.

A Light from on high will dawn upon us…to shine upon and give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to direct and guide our feet…into the way of peace.
—Luke 1:78–79

God chose that time, that season, to send His one and only Son to earth- to begin His journey as both Savior and Sacrifice, for us. God gave us "good tidings of great joy" when the world was most desperate and undeserving. And, God chooses this time, this season to remind us of that- to remind us that the Good News is STILL GOOD. Lord Jesus, in a world so full of pain and so desperate for You, remind us that even if all really was lost, the gift of Your Son is reason enough for endless rejoicing! O God, even if we have nothing else to boast of, let us burst with unspeakable and overflowing joy, for unto US a child- a Savior, was born! Let us be Merry at Christmas and for Christmas!

And, what should we do if we are merry? Sing psalms. Not songs, psalms. Two different things. "Sing psalms" comes from the Greek word psallo, which has several meanings. First, to pluck, as to pluck the strings of a harp or bow. Then later, it meant to play, as a musician would play an instrument, a heartfelt expression. But, by the time of the New Testament, it pictured a person who sings and becomes a hymn or some other special heartfelt expression of music. I know that seems like all the same thing, but it's not. It is a difference of degrees. Here is how I understand it, when I am merry, I should: sing songs, but sometimes I need to do more- I need to use my gifts and resources, my instruments, to create a song that glorifies my King. But, there are times when my heart is empty of songs and I am no longer the musician, but the instrument. I have nothing, and yet, God "plays" the strings of my own heart to create His song, in me.......through me.

And, that is the place the Lord has found me now. I have nothing to offer, no song worth singing- my heart is simply to heavy to be merry. But, the Lord soothes and comforts me, reminds me of who He is and who I am, reminds me of His promises and His gift given lavishly to us, in love, at Christmas. And He strums the strings of my heart to create a song, that only He can and it brings me to worship Him, again.

James 5:13 is perhaps better understood as this: "...Is there anyone among you who is so excited he can hardly contain it and who feels as if he is about to burst with overwhelming joy? If that person is so overjoyed and tickled that he can no longer restrain the happiness he feels, let him rejoice, let him sing a song, the song the Father has placed in his heart."

When I presented this message last, I ended with this thought: The other verse that the Lord put on my heart was Revelation 12:11, now I know we are changing theological gears here, but just bear with me........"They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony."

When I really thought about why I wasn't very merry, I realized something was lacking........and it certainly wasn't the blood of the lamb. According to this verse, "overcoming" requires just two things- the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony. What is Christmas? The time we celebrate God's redemptive, saving work on earth through Jesus Christ. With Christ's death on the cross, it was finished, the victory won.

But, there would be no blood of the lamb, without the birth of the lamb. There would be no resurrection, had there been no death........no death, had there been no life...... and no life, had there been no birth. Perhaps, you can think of not one single, other reason for rejoicing and giving thanks this Christmas..........but perhaps, you only need one this year- maybe this year, remembering that the work has been done through the birth and blood of the lamb, is enough? Maybe this year, you are struggling with life, with kids, with marriage or money........maybe this year saw more losses than triumphs, more agony than laughter. I bet you're not the only one having that same year. What if this year, all we had to celebrate was............ Him? What if this Christmas, was only about............ Him? That would be enough, right? Jesus Christ coming to earth as God's Word made flesh, to save us from sin and despair, to give us hope enough to sustain us through the darkest of nights.......until eternity begins...........that should be enough for a Merry Christmas, shouldn't it?

Maybe you know all of this in your head, it just needs to come out of your mouth. Where is your word of testimony, Overcomer? If you are not enjoying victory right now, can you at least remember the last time you did? Can you remember the last time God was faithful and merciful to you? Maybe you need to say it out loud.....a lot. I dare you to pray that the Lord would bring to mind, an answered prayer, a remembrance of His faithfulness............. and just see if He doesn't do exactly that. How would you respond? Would you tell your kids, or the man in line at the store? Our "word of testimony" is testifying of His Word and testifying of His goodness........and testifying means out loud, with our voice, with our song and with our life. Is your life testifying to God's goodness right now? Is your life so filled with "merry" - uncontainable, overwhelming joy that you burst with the love and goodness of Christ? Are you so overjoyed and brimming with excitement over the Still Good, Great News- that your very being cries out..........."Merry Christmas!"

"Is any merry? Let him sing psalms." James 5:13

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas, Now.

Shalom Y'all
Sara

Home is where the Heart is

2012-09-21T02:10:00.000-05:00

This is not the post you are waiting for. I do apologize, I know I have left you hanging and I promise, we will get there - soon! But, there are occasions, anniversaries and people that are worthy of a brief interruption, a loving tribute if you will. And, I find myself needing to pause for just such a thing.

I have had the unique privilege of being surrounded by some of God's most extraordinary children and I have been an eyewitness to some of His more glorious acts of love and faithfulness. I have seen His word come to life in the mundane, I have lived out some of my favorite Bible stories and I bear witness that God is Good, all the time. God has graciously given me a "good seat" for His show, but I haven't been placed here to simply watch and enjoy. He placed me here, with pen and paper (keyboard/coffee,) to humbly and inadequately, try to tell His stories.

Mom would never ask me to tell this story- but it's my pleasure to tell it, nonetheless. It is my own sincere form of verbal applause, it is applause well deserved for endurance, patience, faithfulness and for graciously surrendering to the Lord, all that you are and all that you have. I give you the last- story of houses.

Today, was a deja vu day. But, it's been a deja vu day, all week. You see, a sign went up this week, not just any sign....."THE SIGN," and not in just any yard.........in my parents yard. The Huggins House is on the market, my mom called this morning from such a familiar spot.........her car, down the street......waiting for the realtors to do their walk through. I have hated to not be there with her, it has killed me all week long, because I know exactly what it is like, to prepare to hand over, something so treasured.

If you are joining our show, already in progress, this will seem indulgent and absurd. You would have to know the history of the last year to appreciate that this, is not at all, about selling a house, it is about surrendering to the Lord, all that He asks of you and doing it with a glad heart. It is about trusting the Lord, with your life, your hopes, your wounds, your family and yes..........your home. For both Mom and I, part of what the Lord required us to lay down, was our homes. Let me be very clear, NOT THE STUFF, never the stuff. Only a fool, would lament stuff.......things, decorations, furniture, ornaments, possessions - all, just stuff. In my family, homes were never about stuff. Homes are filled with memories, moments of joy and pain, shared tears and laughter. Homes are far too sacred, to be filled with just, stuff. My parents home, in particular, has been filled to the very tip top, with some of the most special people, most precious occasions and some of my very favorite memories........not to mention, ridiculously good food.

Let me tell you how this house, came to be theirs. When I graduated high school, I moved from DFW to Lubbock..............about three years later, my parents joined me. I still remember getting a phone call from my parents saying that they were thinking of moving, kind of.....maybe........ thinking about moving to Lubbock..........I honestly thought they were kidding. So, color me surprised when a month later, they both retired........at 50.......sold their lovely home.........and moved to Lubbock.........and surrendered to full time ministry! Huh?

I was ecstatic! Confused, but ecstatic! I hadn't grown up in a pastor's house, I grew up in an exec's house-let me qualify that with saying, it was with one of the most godly, ministry-gifted execs. The Lord had been preparing my parents and family for ministry for a number of years, they waited patiently on His calling and in 2000, the call came. So, we set out looking for a house. Moving is kind of a hobby of ours, I should restate that........moving was necessary, growing up - and is still loathed (the actual packing and unpacking part,) buying and selling houses is the more enjoyable hobby. I remember the day Mom and I found their house. She had come by herself to look for the weekend and we saw all kinds of houses, old - new, south - north, big - garden......on and on. Until, we got to the last house.......and we knew immediately, that this, was the one. It was, at the same time, the most amazingly fabulous and god-awful house, I'd ever seen. It had soaring ceilings and windows, a grand ballroom, enormous kitchen..........and kelly green foil wallpaper with giant orange and yellow daisies, burnt orange and white flocked walls, a 1970's suspended tile ceiling, and a lipstick red bathroom that had golden cranes and chinese writing on the walls! I called it the Lotus Blossom Massage Parlor, because it truly looked some awful Shang-Hai cat-house.......it was perfect!

When Dad got to town, it was clear he knew our game all to well. He told the realtor, a dear friend of theirs, "Now, I know this is a setup. You're gonna show me garbage all day long, so you can show me the one she wants, last......why don't we just skip to the one she's picked and go get a burger?" Excellent! We took Dad to "The House" and he laughed for several minutes before he realized we weren't joking. "You've got to be kidding me, Kell! It's hideous!" "I know!" Mom squealed, "Isn't it great!!! It has all the right things wrong with it!" Classic.

Mom's a smart cookie and can make anything look gorgeous. Dad's a smart man and knows this. That house was so "cosmetically challenged" they got it for almost 100k under market. Now, that's a deal! At the time, I was still working as a designer, so I had a crew of contractors start on it immediately - scraping ceilings and walls, painting and clearing out debris. And man, was there debris!

The house was built in 1978 and had never been updated. It had been bought by a Romanian doctor and in their culture, you don't change things.....or mow, apparently. My folks house sat on a fairway of a country club and when they cleared the yard, they found almost 200 golf balls! 12 years later, and we still give golf balls away in stockings.

Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary

And, so began their time.......in the house. My mom has exquisite taste and is an incredible hostess. They have hosted dinners for congressmen, university presidents, weddings, and any number of other important people and events. And, if you asked either of my parents to name their most favorite people or events to host, none of those would make the list, not even a long list. More treasured than any fancy party, would be countless "singin's" with the senior adults from FBC Lubbock, Apples of Gold - a mentoring bible study, that saw hundreds of women welcomed to their home, countless church gatherings, home groups and shared meals, mine and Andy's wedding reception, holidays, Mimi/Papa camps for the grandkids........my parents hosted every "welcome to Lubbock" party and, as it turned out, every "going away party" for some of the most amazing ministers we've ever known. They celebrated countless births, engagements, marriages, anniversaries and even home-goings, where everyone would gather to love on a grieving spouse or family.

To Mom and Dad, it was never just a house, it was a ministry tool.......an actual, physical extension of Christ's loving kindness. Their home, was an intentional opportunity to practice the most genuine, biblical form of hospitality. Mom has the gift of hospitality, and she's got it good......but it's so much more than being able to put together a party or a meal. Mom's hospitality is, as according to scripture, "contributing to the needs of the saints, a place of refreshing and protection from life's storms, a gift given without grumbling to glorify Jesus, given with joy and given to friends and strangers alike." And, according to Hebrews 13:2, given to angels like Brother Blevins, Mr. Heagy, Sandra and Bubba. Mom and Dad certainly entertained angels, some of earth's finest jewels, before they went Home.

I remember countless holiday meals with 30-40 people, anyone who didn't have a place to be, family close by or someone who just needed encouragement, was welcomed to the Huggins table. It was always interesting to see who might show up with a covered dish, because more often than not there would be, at least a few strangers- someone new to church, someone from a grocery store.....but more likely, one of the "strays" my dad would find at the hospital; someone crying in an elevator, or by themselves in a waiting room or someone headed out to their trailer in the parking lot, those were dad's favorites to invite over. There must have been hundreds of loads of laundry rounded up from families camped in Covenant's parking lot, people who were there from hundreds of miles away, keeping watch over children receiving chemo or loved ones care-flighted in.......if they came within 100 yards of my mom or dad, they were fed, clothed, prayed over and then someone would visit them.......every single day, for as long as they were there - and if they went to a hospital in another city, someone met them there - on behalf of my parents.

Even though, I am their daughter and even lived in their home for a few seasons.......as a semi-adult

Thanksgiving 2008

even I got to be the recipient of their hospitality. I have countless favorite memories there as well. Mom sent me the MLS and as I read through the list of all the amenities, the value and price per foot.........it struck me how different my list would be. There is not a buyer on the planet that could give me enough money for the worn and bare track around their home and the golf-course, where my dad has walked as he prayed, every night for 12 years. I still remember standing in their living room, broken and defeated, and being shown the utmost mercy, grace and respect. I remember driving into their driveway, and seeing through the back windows Andy- my future husband, sitting at their table..........a blind date, my dad had orchestrated. I remember dancing our first dance as man and wife outside those same windows. I remember Thanksgiving 2008, Berkley had been born 3 days earlier and I had been in cardiac ICU for five days. I was discharged the day before Thanksgiving at 4 in the afternoon and I came home scared, tired, physically and emotionally exhausted and most certainly didn't have a plan, for turkey day. My parents had been at the hospital around the clock, but somehow Mom managed to hit the stores and pull together a feast, that made it seem like everything was going to be Ok. "Precious memories, how they linger...... How they ever flood my soul. In the stillness of the midnight, Precious sacred scenes unfold." I'd like to meet the person who could afford to buy that, if matched dollar for worth.

This is not so much a story of houses, as it is a story of hearts, of lifestyles and legacies whose greatest purpose was to show the love of Christ with whatever they had. My parents are so good, about encouraging others to really examine how God has equipped each of us for kingdom work. What do you do? What do you have? All of it, is given for His glory. Do you bake? Do you fix cars? Are you an accountant or an attorney- start drawing up wills for church staff, young families or senior adults. Do you tinker- wanna go fix something for single moms or widows? Do you drive- let's go take the Lord's supper to Hospice. They only thing they do better than meet people's needs, is introduce people to the lifelong blessing, of serving others. For my folks, they happened to have a house - and every inch of it was fair game for serving and loving others. Every bed, every serving piece, the yard, the driveway- every meal and every blanket were always at the ready for anyone and anything that required it.

This is not just their story, perhaps it is yours too? I can think of at least five other women who are leaving the same legacy to those around them, women who I have heard say out loud that "I know God gave me this house to bless others with." Not surprisingly, some of my mom's closest friends are women who have ordered their home and their lives around serving others, loving others and showing extravagant hospitality, in the Name of Jesus. And, it's not about the size of the house or even the "niceness" of it. Let me give you an interesting contradiction- by no means, was every house we lived in, growing up, like this house. This is not the house my parents started in, or I was born in- there were at least 12, lesser houses and apartments along the way. And yet, every house we ever lived in - was exactly like this house......with the same open doors, open fridge, open hearts. I could write this exact same story about every house we ever lived in.........whether there was 1,000 sq ft or 10,000 sq ft, that would not change anything about my parents desire or ability to serve others, or glorify God with their whole heart.

After all, it is not the grandness of the house, but the grandness of the heart..........and yours is a real stunner, Mom.

I waited until I was done, to tell my mom I would be sharing this, and asked if she had any thoughts.......I'm sharing that with you, because I could not say it better.

"I am filled with gratitude that He loves us so much. We have tried to be faithful and obedient and we have been given God's grace and when you see God's hand every step of the journey, then you KNOW that He WILL redeem the years the locust took away. It would have been so easy for Him to pat us on the head and put us on the shelf. But, He was faithful to hear our specific petition and work out every detail and recreate the exact same job that Jerry was willing to walk away from, and allow him to do the one thing that his heart was aching to do - to serve God, to make a difference in people's lives and to reflect the glory of his Savior! Isn't that what we are all called to do? Sara, it gives me courage to know that in the face of our trials, we were faithful and even though there were days when we thought we could not go another day, we did not waiver.

God honors that kind of faithful obedience and I am going to giggle and howl, at what will come next. Yes, it will be beyond painful to drive away from a home that I have loved and cared for. But, from the first day you, Sara, and I were caught peeking in the back window by Amy, our next door neighbor, I knew that the Lord brought us to this house for a very specific purpose. Where could we have had the party after the party at your wedding for 100 people, but in this house? Where else could we have hosted Life Groups every Sunday night for three years, sometimes 35-40 people, but in this house? Where else could we have shared Christmas morning with Berkley and Emerson, but in this house? Where else could we have prayed with anxious fellow believers about their illnesses, their children and grandchildren, their petitions for lost family members, but in this house?

It has been our sanctuary. Especially, in this last year, when I was so horribly lonely, and felt so isolated, this house enveloped me and gave me comfort. I could walk through these rooms and remember all the many things that have happened here and I didn’t feel so alone. It is like saying goodbye to an old dear friend, who knows all your stuff. You can just pick up where you left off when you move from one room to another and remember why you had the words “and they danced by the light of the moon” painted on your back window. I remember when Andy was so smitten with you ( and you with him) and we caught him doing a “drive-by” just to see if you were at home and he gave some lame excuse about a friend looking at a house, in this neighborhood. You were busted, Andy. And, you were in love with my daughter, even then. I remember the Sunday Night Singings we had with our dear senior adult friends from FBC Lubbock, many who have gone on to Glory. Andy fired up the keyboard, and Ann Apple played and Jerry Brownlow brought his mandolin and there were several guitars. We sang those old hymns out of Daulton’s songbook and there were people in the room who knew what shape notes were. Precious memories that will never fade are vying for space within these walls. I loved every lovely minute of it. I can say I even loved every dark agonizing minute of it because out of the trial comes the growth and my, my how we have grown.

One several occasions I remember telling you that I felt like I was a passenger on this journey because it was really Jerry, who was driving this bus. It was his call to ministry, that brought us to this place and I was supporting him in whatever way I could. But, I now realize, that much like Jerry, who sacrificed the work, the job, the calling that meant everything to him; what he loved and what gave him such satisfaction, I too, will be called to make a sacrifice. And, my sacrifice will be to surrender this home that I loved, that allowed me to use my gift of hospitality, ( I didn’t even get to the whole Apples of Gold Era) that I welcomed my babies to, that I cooked my Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Birthday dinners in ( how can we forget Superlatives), and hosted countless WMU, Sunday School parties, Life Groups, Women’s Ministry meetings. I can’t even imagine how I would have done all that, without this HOUSE.

It was perfect for me and God is at work right now, planning and preparing the next house for me. And, I bet it will be big enough for everyone to come home at the same time and have a place to sleep, and it will be on some rolling green acreage with a pond and a pier, for Emerson and Zachary to sit on and watch their corks bob in the water, waiting for the tug of a brim. And, there will be a bunkhouse, for all the babies to sleep in when they come to visit and it will be a little bit girly for Berkley, and Hannah and Maddie. And, it will have Mimi’s Secret Closet where I will stash all the treasures that I collect for each of my babies, as I await their next visit. It will be grand and inviting and we will have Sunday Night Singings, and Life Groups, and WMU, and Women’ s Ministry meetings, and Bible Studies, and I’ll cook Thanksgiving dinners, and Christmas dinners, and Birthday Dinners. And, who knows, one of my granddaughters or grandsons may fall in love, and get married and we will have to paint “and they dance by the light of the moon “ on my back window, when we celebrate their wedding. Oh My, I can hardly wait to see what God has prepared!!!"

Me, too!!!!

     Almost a year ago, I sat in my car in front of my house and watched as the sign went up. A dear friend sent me this verse,   "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create streams in the dessert!" Isaiah 43:19
    And, to add to it - "But without faith, it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is the rewarder of them, that diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11:6 The Greek word used here for "without" is choris - meaning to be or live outside of something, such as someone who lives outside the perimeters of the city. So, the verse says "When you live outside of faith - living beyond its boundaries and perimeters.....you make it impossible to please Him."
   Do you get it? Faith has a physical address, and you can live at it or outside of it. Faith, is that place where God called you; that place requiring your obedience, faith, and patience; that place where you are confident God wants you to be working and living. It requires commitment, patience and faithfulness to stay there and it requires the same to move there, but how rich is the reward, for those who do!

My parents are moving to Gainesville, Tx........to begin serving at a church there. They have not found a house yet, but know without a doubt that this is where God is calling them to. They are leaving their home, city and friends and moving to a new location........... but, their address will remain the same, and it is the address of Faith.
And, all will be welcome there, all will be fed there and all will know the love of Christ, there.

..........And, there will be Mimi camp there.

Shalom Y'all,
Sara
UPDATE SEPTEMBER 24th, 2013
*I am so pleased to share an update with you! I have promised I won't share inside pics before it's done....... but this very day, my parents are moving into their new address of faith! I can't wait to share more about what God is doing in their lives and there will be time for that- but for today, I just want to say "Congratulations!" to them and "Be encouraged!" to you. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year to the day, that their house went on the market, until now....... when they move into their new home. It was a tough year of trying to wait patiently, trying to see where God was taking all of this, looking at every opened and closed door through the lens of God's will- believing and knowing that absolutely everything that happens passes through the filter of His perfect plan.......... even when you couldn't see it or make sense of it. I'll be sharing more soon- but for today, be encouraged! God is the God of order, perfection and thorough completion....... and sometimes, though not always, He gives you the most precious glimpse of what He has been working on, working on in light and darkest of nights, in seen and unseen places, softening and chiseling.... refining and pruning. God has been faithfully working for your good and in the end, is something so personal, something that grew you and glorified Him. My, my....... His ways are higher than our ways!
Today is the day of "giggling and howling" for my parents and I love to think how that must delight our Heavenly Father, when the scales have fallen from His children's eyes and we truly SEE our God's GOODNESS, we SEE His overwhelming GOODNESS and LOVE for us. Could there be anything worth more? Could there be anything that comforts or encourages more than knowing the Creator of the heavens and earth, LOVES YOU?

To leave a comment, click on "No Comments:" or "Comments:" below, I would love to hear from you!

The Prophets Poet

2012-06-06T15:04:00.001-05:00

Late Sunday night, after we got in from church, I received my response from Autumn's Professor. His response was very confirming and reassuring. And, it was less about his words and more about the legitimacy he offered, with them. The Professor is highly educated, highly qualified and highly respected. He understood exactly what I was experiencing, how to reconcile it with Scripture and how to interpret it. And, though much of it, I already suspected to be true, it helped me so much for someone else to say it. In a season, where the things I knew to be real and concrete were no longer, and things I couldn't see or touch, I had absolute confidence in.........as much as I needed wisdom, I needed confidence. I needed confirmation from someone credentialed and knowledgeable, and the Professor certainly gave that.
He was very succinct in what he shared with me, and I will share some of that with you.
1. THIS IS IMPORTANT, LISTEN, PAY ATTENTION, BE OBEDIENT.

2. THIS IS MEANT TO COMFORT AND NOT CONDEMN YOURSELF. (Brother Blevins)

For God does speak—now one way, now another—

though man may not perceive it.

15In a dream, in a vision of the night,

when deep sleep falls on men

as they slumber in their beds,

16he may speak in their ears

and terrify them with warnings,

17to turn man from wrongdoing

and keep him from pride,

18to preserve his soul from the pit,^b

“Pay attention, Job, and listen to me;

be silent, and I will speak.

32If you have anything to say, answer me;

speak up, for I want you to be cleared.

33But if not, then listen to me;

be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.”

The Scripture that The Professor shared spoke to me and I understood exactly what I should take from it.........BE SILENT AND I WILL TEACH YOU WISDOM. Got it, Lord! I ain't got nothing to say now Lord!! I'm getting good at saying nothin', now bring on the wisdom! And, Oh, how He did!

When Autumn and I next spoke, I thanked her for directing me to The Professor, it was invaluable....but still, I felt like I had more to learn. Somehow, Autumn already knew that. She began telling me about a dear family friend of hers, Terese Holloway. Terese had always been in their lives, quiet and encouraging, not someone loose or careless with her words. But, when Terese had a "word" for you, you had better listen. Terese had a knack for timely, active and imperative wisdom. And, soon she would be sharing it with me.

Again, I emailed the whole, long and exhausting story and waited for a response, hoping it would bring continued clarity and direction. Monday, as Mom and I wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby.....Ding. My response came. I parked myself on one of Hobby Lobby's benches that are purely meant for decoration, and began reading Terese's email. And, there amidst a random and faux cafe scene, complete with a semi-tacky centerpiece, random merchandise and Christmas decor (it's July, you know) the Lord changed my life. I mean really, changed my life.

And all of this from a stranger? Who didn't know anything about me? This stranger, spoke to me like no one ever before. It would be another 3 months before Terese even knew we lived in the same city or that we were in ministry. Yet, she had such amazing insight and wisdom, specific to me. This seems confusing, I know. But, this wasn't like a close friend, offering encouragement about life, a life they are walking out with you. And, it certainly was NOT like some phony psychic who can tell you your favorite color, or how many kids you have. This was so much more and so much better. This was someone, listening to me share my heart, and then taking time to pray and meditate on it, wait for the Lord to share His heart................ wait on the Lord to show her how He sees me and what He is trying to show me............... and then, sharing just that, and nothing more. Terese was able to share such timely wisdom with me, not because she knew anything about me, but because she walks so closely with the Lord.

What did she tell me? She told me the truths of God's Word, the Promises He has for me. She told me that, God has a plan for me, that He is calling to me from the deep, to share wisdom, to show me the things I have begged for. Terese told me, that this season had been ordained and prepared for me by God and that He is leading me through it..........that Christ and Christ alone, is worthy of my faith and trust, worthy of my surrender........and that following Him is always worth it, trusting Him more is always worth it. Terese told me that Christ is not only my shield and defense, when under attack, but my weapons, my banner and my courage when He calls me to War. And, Terese reminded me that the victory has already been won.........

You see now, how wise she is.

Terese told me a great deal more, and perhaps those words will find their way on the pages of my book. But, for now they are my treasure. And it is treasure. I shared earlier about what a gift it is to share with someone the words they are needing to hear, to give your words and heart freely to encourage, challenge and speak favor over another. It is an exponentially greater gift, when those words are anointed and appointed by the Holy Spirit.

And, this was Terese's gift to me. Autumn's as well. They are good gift givers.

Just 2 days later, Mom and I would make the drive back to Lubbock, from Dallas.......to the Wilderness, as it were. We would drive the same road we had traveled earlier in the week, but this time it would be different. We couldn't help but weep as we drove past the tracks, the site that was once our Wreckage, now the site of our Deliverance. Isn't it funny how the same ground that is scattered with brokenness, scattered with the debris of what must have been a painful collision, a catastrophe........can be the same ground that God redeems for healing, for protection and for Promise? The same ground where He births a new season, a new hope?

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus. I love the story of Lazarus, we all should, it is our story as well. I could do a whole sermonette on Lazarus, and perhaps I will.

Most of us know this story by heart, but sometimes it is in the stories we know so well, the ones we know from rote memory.....that we miss the real beauty, the apples of gold in every word and every phrase.

Lazarus, brother of Mary and Martha, friend of Jesus, is sick. And, though the sisters have already sent word to Jesus, Jesus delays and Lazarus dies. On the way to Bethany, Jesus encounters Martha. I am including the scripture from John 11 and my notes in blue.

Jesus Comforts the Sisters Already, I am moved! I love that the title of this is "Jesus Comforts the Sisters" It is important to the story on its own. It is not just lumped in under "Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead." It gets its' own title, its' own special place of significance. It shows that Jesus is our friend, a friend who comforts. A doctor who has never met you, and will certainly not be your friend tomorrow....... can bring healing and relief. But a FRIEND, comforts. A FRIEND, cares about your hurts and wounds. And sometimes, in our lives we need His comfort as much as we need His power. Praise God, that You are our Comforter.

17On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18Bethany was less than two miles^a from Jerusalem, 19and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. It is important that Mary stayed at home. Mary, who neglected her duties as host to sit at her teachers feet, stayed home rather than go out to meet Him. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? What kept her home? Disappointment. I can't count the number of times last year, when I felt like I could no longer propel myself up and out to meet the Lord. Paralyzed by hurt, fear, sadness, hopelessness and yes....disappointment. I see you, girl. I know you, Mary. I know how much more is meant by "Mary stayed at home." Sara stayed at home too, some. Didn't you friend?

21“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” She starts with blame...."if you had, then......" I do this too, you do this too. "God I don't know why you did this, but you did and I know you can fix it, so guess you better fix it, right?"

23Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

24Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” Most of us are Martha, at least in our Wreckage and Wilderness, we are Martha. Martha is saying what we all say. "Well, I guess it wasn't God's will to intervene or fix this. And, I know I won't ever understand, but I trust that God is good and when I get to heaven, it will be better.....I guess. So I guess, I will just hurt and be miserable for ever, but I love Jesus and believe He is who He says He is."

25Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

27“Yes, Lord,” she told him, “I believe that you are the Christ,^b the Son of God, who was to come into the world.”

28And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. Jesus called unto Mary. What a precious thing. Even in my darkness, even in my disappointment.......what I longed for most, was to know that Jesus knew how bad I was hurting, that He hadn't forgotten me. Countless days I have sat, YOU HAVE SAT, desperate for Jesus to come to us, ask for us.....calling us out of our tomb, so He may address our wounds. And, like Mary, how quickly we would go to meet Him.

30Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. Now, Jesus knew the situation, was on His way there, but stopped short of their house. Why was this? Jesus waited on the road where he spoke with Martha, waited for Martha to walk back to the house, waited for her to get Mary, waited for Mary............. to COME MEET HIM. Isn't that just like Jesus? He knows whats best for us, best for our growth and as painful as it is sometimes, what's best may mean humbling ourselves, getting over our hurt just enough to get up and go out to meet Him........where He is at. Isn't that really the more desired place anyway....where He is at? So.....get up. Go OUT to meet Him.

31When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there. This is just FYI- there are always people around you, watching you grieve, watching your pain unfold........and they are waiting also, to see what you will do.......and perhaps even some of them will follow you, as Mary's friends did. Isn't it a precious thing, that even in her loss, her grief and suffering.....she led them to Jesus.

32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. Now, everyone always uses this to show how Jesus wept for Lazarus and how sad he was that his friend died. But, you read this again carefully.

Jesus knew Lazarus was dead, the moment he decided to delay 2 days in Jerusalem. Jesus also knew that He was always going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He is not being overwhelmed with grief right here, He is weeping for Mary. Do you see that? Read it again. "When Jesus saw HER WEEPING." Jesus is filled with compassion and empathy for Mary, and not because she is sad over the loss of her brother, though that is indeed why she is sad, at least in part. Causing far more pain than the actual loss, the actual death......is the absolute devastation we feel, when we feel like our hope in Christ, has been somehow misplaced. The devastation is more due to the upheaval we feel, when we trust in the Lord, and He doesn't do what we know He is capable of doing......and it causes us pain. When God's will causes us pain.......that is why Mary weeps, that is why Mary stayed home.

Both sisters, the first words they utter to Jesus are, "Lord, if you had been here...." Jesus' heart breaks for us when we feel needlessly separated from Him. His heart breaks for us when we are exactly where we are supposed to be, when we are trusting Him through death, loss, grief and pain, trusting Him through the Wilderness and Wreckage, and in our pain we falsely believe, He is not with us. And, that is real suffering. Because, He has walked the earth and faced separation from His Father, in life and in death.......He weeps because He knows that anguish, He knows that despair. He knows firsthand what kind of tears accompany, begging God for another way, a way out and still knowing what God's will is, and being yielded to it. That's a whole different kind of tears, a different kind of grief. It's OK to cry, in fact, He will cry right along with you. And He does. And, He did with Mary, too.

34“Where have you laid him?” he asked. This is my favorite part. Again, Jesus is Jesus....and He knows exactly where Lazarus is. He is less asking the location of Lazarus, and more like a sympathetic parent or nurse, saying "Show Me where it hurts. Show me where you gave up, where you believed you were past my reach, show me where you laid down, believing it was over and I had left you.......take me to that place. " Take your Lord to that place.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35Jesus wept. What a tender place to show our Lord. What a tender place to admit to Jesus and then show Him, where we gave up, where we gave up on His mercy, on His love. He knows how bad it must hurt, and He weeps for us.

Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead

38Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39“Take away the stone,” he said. But, He isn't demanding to see it to correct or rebuke us, to show us the error of our ways or make us feel more ashamed for our unbelief. He wants us to show Him the grave, because He's come to do a miracle.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” And, again like Martha, we wish it weren't so ugly, so stinking awful. We wish we could make our helpless state, somehow more lovely or appropriate. Oh, Martha, Martha! He is not there to judge your mess, your brokenness.......He is there to redeem it. Praise God! And, He doesn't care how bad it stinks, cause it's about to be GLORIOUS!

40Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” I can hear Jesus saying this to me, " Did I not tell you, SARA, that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" Yes, Lord! I remember now, You did say that, and I had been so consumed with death I had forgotten, but I remember now Lord! I remember now, Lord! And, I believe you again, I trust you again! Here it is Lord, the grave, the tomb, the brokenness, the hurt, the doubt.....Oh, Jesus, let me show you where it is, let me take you to it! Do a miracle with it, God!

41So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” And here, is the point of all of it. " I have said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe you sent me." Astounding. Completely astounding, are the depths of God's love, that He would do all of this purely for our benefit, that we see Him more clearly, walk with Him more closely.

43When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD! Praise God, that He loves us enough to Comfort us, praise God that He loves us enough to be our friend and weep with us, but PRAISE GOD, that, that is not enough! He could just leave us comforted, or sympathized with, but His purpose in coming to us, was to RAISE FROM THE DEAD!!!!!!!

Friends, do you see it! Do you see how beautiful this story is???? We play all the other roles and Jesus is Himself! We are Martha, who frets and worries over how things look and whether we are good enough......we believe and we trust, and we pray, but we still miss the big picture. We are Mary, who had perhaps a measure more of faith or devotion, but is now devastated by doubt, by disappointment and despair........who is willing to run to her Lord and fall at His feet, but doesn't want to show Him, how deeply she hurts.

And, because Jesus is still Jesus, we are Lazarus. We are Lazarus, who though dead and buried, heard the voice of our Savior, beckon us "COME OUT!"

Do you see it in my story? I was the man who would surely die, without Jesus. I was the grieving woman who stayed home, rather than go to meet her Lord. But, He came to me-almost all the way- and called me by name. He called me to meet Him on the side of the road, in a field of dust, in my Wreckage- in a state so helpless and dependent on Him, I would die without Him. The Lord and I met, that day. And He comforted me, He wept with me. He asked me to show Him where I had given up, in the dirt......He asked me to show Him where and why I had laid my faith down. And, I did.

And He called out to me, SARA, COME OUT!!!!!!! TAKE OFF YOUR GARMENTS OF MOURNING AND GO!! And, praise God, I did. I need to stand up for a bit, and wave my arms around or shout or something!!!!

Do you see it in your story? Do you see how your place of mourning and grief is the same place as your mercy and miracle? The tomb that housed the dead is the same tomb, that the dead walked out of? Those gathered in mourning around Lazarus, were the first to get to rejoice in his resurrection?

WAKE UP, O SLEEPER. RISE FROM THE DEAD! CHRIST'S LIGHT WILL SHINE ON YOU!

Gateway People

2012-05-20T17:00:00.003-05:00

   I feel like I should explain the pictures I included in my last post and spend some time really fleshing that train of thought out. The Wilderness- to me felt just like I said it did......."This was complete and total upheaval, this was having every concrete tenet of your life, crushed with a sledge hammer and watching a twisted, weak facade be erected in its place............. while you're still pitifully gathering rocks............... as though they will ever go back together." It felt like such complete and thorough destruction, because it was so pervasive, there was no one area left standing.

   It wasn't as though you were changing jobs, but everything else was OK......or, broke up with a boyfriend, but everything else remained in tact. This was pull one thread, unravel everything. Leaving our church, leaving Lubbock was not merely a change in location...........It meant, we were literally leaving our church, leaving our job..........we were starting over ministry wise, we were leaving family, we watched as our friends left and moved away, we prepared to move away from those who remained, our circle of friends changed, our kids circle of friends changed, our kids moved away from grandparents, we left our house, we left lifelong connections. And that's just the physical, personal connections! It was the same spiritually, emotionally.

Broken trust in one area, was broken promises in another. Confusion about your job, was confusion about your life. Disappointment in people, was disappointment in God, disappointment in yourself.

There was nothing that wasn't turned upside down. It was all connected, and it was all falling apart, or so it seemed.

   I know some of you can relate either through divorce or death, the end of a season or relationship........meant the end of other relationships, meant a change in house, change in finance, change in habits, change in comforts......all of those things tethered to the others and all of them crumbling around you.

   This is the picture I see, I am walking through a cathedral, perhaps a cathedral I have built, somewhere pristine and ordered.......somewhere sacred. And, as I wonder through, admiring its beauty, its completion.......I start to feel it tremble around me. I can't see why, I can't tell what direction it's coming from, but somehow I know, this ground beneath my feet is no longer still, but shaking. Like a blur, whirring past me, a wrecking ball- loudly and irreverently begins knocking my sanctuary down, stone by stone. Without remorse or consideration, it does its job and it does it quickly. And soon, all of it, every corner, every wall, every perfect thing is reduced to rubble around me. I'm not even sure where to begin, but I must work quickly, I must start gathering my precious stones- I don't want even one to be misplaced or forgotten. How do I begin to put them back together? Do I organize them by importance, do I start with one area and move on after it's fixed? I need a list, I'll make a list of what I should do, maybe putting something on paper.......drawing a plan......will help me know how to put this back together. IT IS GOING BACK TOGETHER, ISN'T IT LORD?
   In the few moments it takes me to decide, I realize there is activity around me. Praise, God, someone is here to help me resurrect this thing! But, as I watch them, and I notice how they watch me.....it doesn't seem right. We aren't speaking the same language, we are not looking at the same plans. My ruins are not their concern. They are not here to help me repair my beloved foundation, they are simply waiting on me to move out of their way. What choice do I have.......but to gather my rocks, my sacred stones- now someone else's dust and debris. I hug them to my body, hold them to my heart and weep over them, over what they were to me, over what they were supposed to be. I weep because I have no plan for what to do next, I weep because I didn't dream I needed one.

   Isn't this what we do, friends? We build these structures, sacred structures in our lives, of what it is supposed to be. We have plans for our education, plans for marriage and when we will have children. We make plans for our relationships, our jobs, our lives......every bit of it weighed against what we desire for ourselves and what we believe God desires for us. And then, we set about building it, stone by stone. And each one, each milestone or cornerstone, as it were, so important and so necessary to us. It's easy to see how devastating it would be to watch it destroyed. But, the devastation is not only in it's destruction, the devastation is in the realization that this, was in fact, always God's plan. It was His plan all along. And that perhaps, somewhere in your building phase, He was urging you to slow down and consult Him-trying to caution you about your pace or maybe your priorities- knowing that if need be, He would tear it all down........to show you what plans He's working off of. And there my friends, is your crossroad. This is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Do you stay there, amidst your ruins, remembering what once was, longing for it to be restored? Or, do you simply realize your helpless state, loose your once sacred things, say "Yes, Lord" and walk away?

   And, this is where I found myself, during Wreckage, but there was even more to come. What I learned after such a painful sojourn, after dreams, after car wrecks, in the Wilderness- would be my most difficult lesson yet.

But first, a Gateway.

To recap- That Saturday night in Dallas, I emailed Autumn's sources, the Professor and Terese Holloway, whom I would later find out, is the Poet. In both emails, I recounted my third dream and everything that had preceded them, and finally the days events......which by the way, I was two finger typing into an iPhone! It's a wonder I didn't get "withered hand" from those emails. I'll spend more on that later.

   Anyhow, as I said, we went to Gateway, heard the Wilderness message.........and then turned into lunatics........Maybe not quite lunatics, but we did go a little crazy.......in their bookstore. I had brought a cash reserve to Dallas...........for purses and junk jewelry, and within about three minutes, had spent every dollar. Mom and I bought every book, CD, sermon series, devotional, DVD, whatever......that seemed relevant to us. I don't know if you know this or not, but there is a whole 'nother world of authors and teachers out there, whose books aren't on Lifeway shelves. Shocking, I know. It was so exciting to just read the titles, they had words like "battlefield," "power," and "Holy Spirit" in them. Now, I am being a bit tongue and cheek here. But, it really was an answer to prayer. For months, I had been reading, listening, studying everything I could get my hands on, and still felt like there was more I didn't have access to. I had been praying for answers, for wisdom........and God, literally picked me up and dropped me into a place that was a storehouse for both. I know the lady at the counter, thought we must have just fallen off of some country truck. We were giddy, asking for other titles and extra copies of such and such. Keep in mind, it was an exciting day for us and a normal Sunday after service for them, and we were literally walking out with 4 bags each, of loot. Pleased as punch.

We were so excited, because that night they would be having their monthly Habitation service, a service set aside for just praise and worship, prayer and exhortation. And, you bet we were going to be there. I had no idea what to expect, but some dear friends of ours had been telling us about this service for months. They had been tuning in over the world wide web and just being blessed beyond measure, even from their home in Lubbock. It started at 6:30, but there was a prayer time that began at 5:30........for serious people. We got there at 5:15, perhaps a tad eager.

http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/habitation/about

   I still remember, Mom and I, sitting there waiting for it to start. My spirit was completely expectant, it was like the few minutes before a big game, that you knew you would win. And, as the service began, we knew that what God had been urging us toward, dragging us to.......all the questions He had hidden in our hearts.........He was now showing us the answers, showing us what the authority, the prayer life we had been chasing, looked like.

   The service was opened in prayer, and then there were two microphones at the front with men holding them. Steve Dulin, who began these services at Gateway, called for those who have a "word" to come forward. Soon a handful of people trickled toward the mics, Bibles in hand. They lined up, single file, waiting their turn to give their word. I was speechless, in total amazement, I couldn't even begin to guess what they would say or how they would say it. How do you know what's going to happen? What if it's inappropriate or ridiculous? How do you trust these people to do this? I sat on the edge of my seat, as the first one began to speak. It was an older woman, she said "The Lord is calling us to walk in freedom and not fear, to trust His word and His promises for us." And then she read a few verses out of her Bible, gave a short prayer and walked away. Done. There was nothing selfish or self-serving about it, it wasn't attention seeking or shocking. It was simply, Scripture. God's Word, delivered and declared over the body. Each one that followed was the same. There was no personal testimony, no awkward moments when someone reveals too much. They read a scripture, that the Lord had placed in their heart, they prayed that same scripture and sat down.

   It was the most energizing and exciting thing I had ever seen, this is how you edify the body. Every "word" brought forth was powerful, meaningful and relevant to at least me, if not the whole group. There wasn't a phony, over-generalized, obligatory message tossed out there. It was God's Word and it never returns void. They hadn't been handed little slips, it wasn't contrived, it was just what they felt like the Holy Spirit had impressed on them throughout the week, as they prayed, in advance, over this time. As the service went on, I could now see that these people were part of the ministry team, worship team, etc......leaders in some way. They began to take their places on stage or with prayer groups as more people came in.

-A Sidenote- Anyone of us would be equipped to do this, the Holy Spirit speaks to all of us, who are saved.....convicting and encouraging us towards His image. And, maybe you share about those things with your Bible study group or family, maybe your spouse. What was so different about this, was that it was organized, thoughtful, done for the benefit of the entire body, it was unrehearsed and Spirit-led, and yet still operating in some unspoken parameters. It was one of the first times I thought.......yeah, that's how you do that, that's how you practice discernment and teach about the Holy Spirit corporately. It was the first time, I ever understood what the spiritual gift of prophecy might look like in a church. This is how you use your gifts to edify the body. Here is why it did that- every word that was given, though it was personal and picked to share, by the giver, was not personal. It was never "I think we should such and such, or I believe yada yada yada....." It was "God's Word says..........God help us to do as your word says......." But, here is the amazing part, every time a word was given (because it was God's word) it spoke to the Spirit of someone sitting in the congregation, it spoke confirmation, encouragement or even accountability to some unknown person, thus growing their faith and understanding. Conversely, every person who shared could then, based on the feedback given, feel their own confirmation......... that their obedience was well placed, that their risk in sharing had "paid off" spiritually speaking, of course. They had prayed that the Holy Spirit would give them a burden, a "word" to share, they could trust God for His wisdom, they could share it with His people and it did in fact, edify the body. WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULD DO ANY OF THIS.......TO EDIFY THE BODY. It's not to seem smarter, superior, more spiritual or to exalt your own wisdom, before men. And, if it was, rest assured that "word" would bring destruction, confusion and division. Some of you have heard, that "word" before. I have.

You know it when you hear it, it troubles your spirit, it makes you restless and agitated and not in a "challenging your flesh" kind of way. We have all heard someone share something, and while they may use the right words, the right lingo......something about it is offensive to your spirit. Offensive in the spiritual realm, but perhaps not in the natural. The words of men, though grammatically correct, delivered well and with precision timing, are capable of not only falling flat on the floor at their feet, but being dangerous, when they are not given through the filter of the Holy Spirit. Make no mistake, we have nothing important or brilliant to say, no original thought or revelation apart, from the Holy Spirit. And, when we try to minister wisdom to others, from our flesh, we make fools of everyone, but mostly ourselves.

But, I digress.

   Over the last several months, I kept hearing the word "Prophetic." I thought this was a reference to exactly that.....the prophets, in the Old Testament. But, it was everywhere, in what God was showing me in His Word, what I was hearing and studying........and I didn't understand it. No one, that I had ever heard in my churches or religion classes, ever addressed prophetic gifts. Which is not to say, we weren't well versed in spiritual gifts. It's been the "new" old thing for a while now.......do your gifts survey, find out where to serve........I guess I always just thought, it was another word for teaching and was almost redundant. My spiritual gifts are prophetic and teaching........so the next question, was always "Great! Where do you want to teach?" I honestly didn't see any need to differentiate between the two. Until, I was confronted with my ignorance and forced to start asking questions. And, believe me, I had questions........lots of questions. And, now right before my eyes, I was seeing the answers.

   Gateway has ministry teams based on your spiritual gifts, you are identified, trained, educated, tested and then you start ministering through these gifts. It seems so simple, but was revolutionary to me. This is where I feel like we've dropped the ball as a church, we are living in a world where it is no longer good enough to know your gifts, but not use them. God has given us weapons- the fruits of the Spirit, the gifts of the Spirit, His Word, the authority of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, dwelling within us. When we use them and understand them, we become formidable forces- soldiers- taking back ground on earth and in heaven. But, we are not the mighty forces we could be, if we are only using the weapons we are most comfortable with.

   When I began asking questions about what this means for the church today, I was met with responses like........."it's not necessary anymore, or it was only in the early church or Old Testament." Really? It's in the New Testament, Paul addresses it quite a bit actually, it's in the same list as the gift of "giving." I'd like to meet the pastor who's going to tell the "givers" in his church, that their spiritual gift isn't necessary or relevant anymore.

   These are the latter days, friends. And, we need to be walking in the full authority and power, we receive as heirs, of Christ. We need it for our marriages, our jobs, our children......the salvation and faith of my children is more important than my traditions. And, I will gladly lay those traditions down to empty my hands and heart............ leaving them ready and open for the entirety of God's Word, alone. We do not have time to ignore the things, we have decided in our finite wisdom, are taboo......especially, if God, in His INFINITE wisdom, thought they were important enough to include (many times) in His word, given to man.

   As Mom and I sat in the Habitation service at Gateway, the Holy Spirit was speaking to me and convicting me in such an intense way, that I honestly felt like someone may call my name and walk over to me with a mic. I felt like I was sitting under a white, hot light and all eyes were on me, which of course, wasn't the case, but that's what it feels like when the Holy Spirit is showing you something, that is just for you. I know Mom would agree, that there might as well have been red arrows pointing down at us and a booming voice yelling,
          "DO YOU SEE THIS LADIES?!?!?! ARE YOU GETTING WHAT I AM SHOWING YOU?!?!?!?! THIS IS FOR YOU, THIS IS WHY YOU ARE IN DALLAS, THIS IS WHY THE WILDERNESS, THIS IS WHY THE WRECKAGE.....TO GET YOU HERE AND SHOW YOU THAT THERE IS MORE!! MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!!!"

Mom and I laughed about it a little, because we were trying to think of how we would explain two Southern Baptist pastor's wives, sitting in someone else's church (a Non-denomination church!!) on a Sunday night, having our whole world rocked. And, really, there is no explanation.........no explanation, but God.

You can click on the link above and watch the Habitation Service, there is one tonight at 5:15.

Shalom Y'all
Sara

Welcome to the Wilderness.......you've been here a while.

2012-05-09T17:56:00.005-05:00

I feel like I am foolishly trying to describe so much detail and context to you, and simply don't have an adequate vocabulary. Every word was important, every minute, every prayer seemed to have eternal value, during this long season and recounting the entirety of it, would fill volumes of pages. So, for our purposes, I'm going to hit the highlights. You're welcome.

For so many months, I felt like no one could possibly understand what I, what we, were going through, the depths at which we were shaken to. I remember, on several occasions, myself and others being asked completely nonchalantly, "So, you're not over this yet? You seem down, have you not moved on yet? Seriously, you're still upset about all this?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I didn't just have my favorite show canceled or find out my grocery store quit carrying my favorite cereal! This wasn't getting a bad hair cut or some sophomoric tiff with a girlfriend. This was complete and total upheaval, this was having every concrete tenet of your life, crushed with a sledge hammer and watching a twisted, weak facade be erected in its place, while you're still pitifully gathering rocks, as though they will ever go back together.

And, unless you were going through this same thing, you wouldn't have understood either........for 2 reasons, one- I wouldn't have really discussed it with you, and two-Even if I had, I didn't have the words or language to adequately describe it. At least, not before Dallas. You see, this wasn't "feeling down" or "blue," not a "funk." What describes total darkness? What word is big enough for a season where everything you believe about what you are doing with your life, what you believe about other people, what you thought your purpose was, what you thought your future was............what you thought about truth, your passions, and God's desires for you..........what word describes when all of that is revealed to be entirely wrong? What word describes when all of this is proven to be a lie, that not only you believed, but you perpetuated..........you put your name and reputation on something and called it good and then encouraged others to do the same. You saw others go through the same revelations, except that as you watched them, you were oblivious that your turn was right around the corner. There is no word for that, no one word, anyway. Total devastation? I remember using that word for a while, when someone would ask how everything was, hoping you would say "just fine." HOW'S IT GOING?.............It's total devastation! It's total devastation, because I don't know why this is happening, or how to stop it. Because, I felt like I had fairly good discernment and never saw this coming.........and those around me did. Devastating, because when I really look back, I should have too. It's total devastation, because I am watching something I loved, and was proud of, be burned to the ground, and all I can do is throw dixie cups of water on it.......while you ask me, why I'm so upset.

I know many of you relate to this, you've told me so. Your setting or scenario may be different, but you have had your life turned upside down. Whether, it was divorce, job loss, illness, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship or even the loss of a dream. You could plug in a thousand different story lines and all would have the same pain, the same heartache and ultimately the same answer......Jesus. JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!

Devastation, while it broadly describes what it felt like, is still grossly inadequate and as it turned out, grossly inaccurate. Devastation seems like something that was an accident, or something that was inflicted on you. It gives no allusion to instruction, purpose or context. Devastation literally means: To bring to ruin or desolation by violent action. To reduce to chaos, disorder, helplessness.
And, while that's a fairly accurate description and I thought it was the most fitting one, I was wrong. Please hear me say that, I WAS WRONG. I don't bear my soul so you know how smart I am, I tell you these things, these treasured things, so you see how good God is........how He can redeem the impossible, how He is everything we lack, how He pursues every dark corner of our heart and mind to bring His glorious Light to them.

8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our^a behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

I was wrong, because I thought I was separated from God, from His will.....in a place the enemy had put me. What I found out, after Wreckage, after Dallas, was that I was somewhere the Lord had led me, in a place He had prepared for me and most importantly, He was there with me.

There's nothing arbitrary about the wilderness. The wilderness is not where we are lost but where we are found, where we are refined and where we are prepared for the land of our Promise.

But, I didn't know this on my own. I had to be told by wiser people, I begged God to show me where He was and what He was doing. He must have understood I was missing the subtleties because His response was, a pit, a dream, a car wreck, a Gateway and a counselor......uhhhh.....Yes, Lord. Got it. Even I didn't miss it that time!

I told you after the wreck, I felt compelled to really get a handle on what was happening. I made several calls, to some of my spiritual mentors and friends, one of which was Autumn. Why Autumn, you ask? You're very astute to ask. I remembered a conversation months ago, where Autumn mentioned a relative who was supremely qualified, a doctor of not just counseling, but religious counseling, someone who held more degrees than a thermometer, in the Bible, Greek, Hebrew and Spiritual Gifts. Now, I didn't know all of that at the time and I also didn't know that he was in Dallas, until after I was already in Dallas. That night, from the hotel, I emailed him.

The next morning we had already decided to go to church somewhere, but weren't quite sure where. There is always Prestonwood, and while it would have been great preaching and great music, we were looking for something more, I wanted to be somewhere where there was Power. Gateway Church, in Southlake, had come up several times over the last year. If you are not familiar with Gateway, it is a very large non-denominational church, with multiple campuses and pastors. They have become the ideal, in my book, for church structure and organization. They are rewriting every book on how a church teaches and equips its people and how they reach those around them. It's really quite remarkable. But, still I had never heard a message, didn't know their pastor.......everything I knew about this church was from a strictly ministerial perspective. Nonetheless, we felt like this was where we wanted to be on Sunday morning. And, so we were.

That morning, was the last in a four week series, on.......you guessed it.......the Wilderness. I had never heard that word applied in this way before, it was a completely powerful and pivotal moment in my journey. That service gave me what I lacked, and that, was context. Language and context, to understand what was happening.

I will tell you what I got out of the message, but truly, go and hear it for yourself at: www.gatewaypeople.com/sermons You can search several ways, Speaker: Preston Morrison, Date: July 9th, 2011, Title: You're not Stuck, You're Just Stopped.
Pastor Morrison, taught about Abram and Terah, the Israelites and the purpose of the Wilderness. This was the first time, embarrassing to admit, but the first time I saw this season as something that was not just intentional, but necessary, to God's will for my life. This, was the first time I understood that everything I was going through was not about what had already happened, but what was about to happen.

It's hard to make this thread through scripture because you wouldn't necessarily relate some of these stories, but Moses was LED to the Wilderness, the Israelites were LED to the Wilderness, David was LED to the Wilderness-fleeing from Saul, Jesus was LED to the Wilderness-to withstand the Devil, John the Baptist was LED to the Wilderness- to baptize in repentance and forgiveness and declare the Messiah, the Woman (church) of Revelations is LED to the Wilderness, a place prepared by God.

Then the woman fled into the wilderness where she had a place prepared by God, so that there she would be nourished for one thousand two hundred and sixty days. Revelation 12:6

All throughout Scripture, the Wilderness is a place of God's provision and preparation. It provided nourishment through Manna. It provided concealment and safety to a would-be King. It provided the arena for Christ's first victory over Satan! This isn't a place you wandered, friend, this is a place the Lord brought you!!!!

Even the Israelites, they weren't led to the Wilderness to get out of Egypt, they were led there to get Egypt out of them. This wasn't supposed to be a place they stayed, it was to be a place they passed through. They only stayed because of their disobedience.

Pastor Morrison said this, "The Wilderness is where the Lord leads you to kill your crutches. A crutch, is a Plan B, you turned into a Plan A, when you thought the Lord wouldn't show up." Oh, Lord! Read that again! Say it aloud! THE WILDERNESS IS WHERE THE LORD LEADS YOU TO KILL YOUR CRUTCHES. A CRUTCH, IS A PLAN B, YOU TURNED INTO A PLAN A, WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE LORD WOULDN'T SHOW UP.

The Israelites didn't go to the Promise Land, because they weren't ready. They had to be delivered, physically and spiritually, delivered from Egypt. You can change locations a thousand times, but until God sets your Spirit free, YOU ARE A SLAVE!!!!! In the Wilderness, He delivered them from idolatry, legalism, fear and disobedience. In the Wilderness, He made them ready for His Promises.

And, now I could see it so clearly........that's what He had done for me. He stripped me of every crutch, everything that made my flesh comfortable, to prepare me for the Promise Land.

Which, is great. Except, I was already in the Promised Land, wasn't I?

And, the walls begin to crumble.

Blessings,
Sara

WRECKAGE

2012-05-04T01:28:00.003-05:00

I sincerely apologize for how long it has taken me to get this posted. I have been working on it for days, bits at a time, and as much as I wanted to share it sooner, there was just no way to condense some of it.

    I know this will seem redundant, it seems I've said this before, but writing this has encouraged even me......to be able to trace back and see running almost concurrently to the darkest times and most painful experiences, have been the biggest breakthroughs, the most important lessons and the most miraculous encounters. A good thing to remember, next time you find yourself in the Wilderness.

I have said in several earlier posts, that someday I would share with you "Wreckage." And, as I was sitting and thinking about how to begin the story of "dream number three," how to explain what happened immediately before and after, "wreckage" came to mind. Over the span of about 10 days in July, it truly was just that.......wreckage. Banged up, smashed up, totaled cars. Crunched and mangled, fractured plans............illusions of people, purposes and promises.......shattered and devastated, and any notion that we would be able to stay in our lives, in our home, in our comfort zone, gone. All of it, wrecked in a field and later hauled away, never to return.

   As I said, in"The Poets Prophet," there were 2 events that surpassed all others, in the damage and devastation they inflicted. I also stated, that while our own wounds seem forgettable and dull, it is the wounds we see dispensed to others, that are the far greater torment. So it was in May, and so it was again, in July. But, worse than the pain of your friends, is the pain of your family. And, once again I found myself hurling into the pit. But, this pit, was especially designed for me.
Pits are found all through out scripture, Joseph was in a pit, Daniel was in a pit. The enemy intends them to be the place of our destruction, our devouring or abandonment. But, as we see in the Word and hopefully, in our own lives, we learn these lessons in the pit: We are not alone there, Jesus is with us. He protects us there, He teaches us there, prepares us there and then He helps us leave there. Pits are literally, traps you fall into. You DON'T leave the pit on your own. You have to be helped out and He is our Help.

   Pits are not unique to me, or to any of us, we've all endured one, and we've all set our own traps for others. It's only worth mentioning, if it was a catalyst, into something greater.......if it was not the end of a story, but the beginning of newer, greater one. It's not just a writing style or method of mine, that many of my stories begin with the painful, disappointing part first, you see, more often than not, that's exactly where every great thing Christ works out, in my life, begins. Start there, move through it quickly, perhaps a little slower if there's something to be learned from it, and then move on, to what He did with it.

And, so we have "Wreckage," my wreckage. It only took me 9 months to share it.

It's funny, I remember three years ago, going to a conference in Nashville and R.T Kendall spoke. He has, what I feel, is the best book on forgiveness ever written, Total Forgiveness. He was speaking to a packed room of pastors about the hurt they are holding on to and needing to break free from. At the end, hundreds went down to the altar, broken and tired. Andy and I stayed in our seats, so relieved and grateful we couldn't relate. And, though at the time I truly couldn't relate, it really resonated with me. I had no idea that God was equipping me, even then.

   I've repeated his message on forgiveness more times than I can count. Kendall uses the story of Joseph to dissect what it really means and looks like to forgive someone. I'm giving you the key points, but it's a lousy substitution for getting the book. GET THE BOOK. To really forgive someone, you must: Never tell how they wronged you, never let them fear you, never let them feel guilty, do not wait for them to repent, protect them, pray for them and bless them. And then, repeat until you get it right. I'm not there yet, but I heard the message, I know it's God's Word and I am now accountable for it. And, for that reason, I will tell you the effects of this particular pit, what I learned in the pit, and most importantly how He helped me out, because it was a game-changer and significant to our story.........but more than that, would be inappropriate. So, until I better know how to share that in a way that edifies the body, it will remain in pages, unwritten.

   Through the summer, I felt like I was doing okay, really. I was able to function in our new normal and though nothing had changed or improved we were finding some kind of routine and stasis, even in chaos. I felt a sense of peace, that I was learning and growing in Gods will and until July, I really believed everything would work out and God would be glorified through restoration.
But, the events of July, left me feeling as though I had made it through months of Wilderness, months groping around in darkness, I was finally starting to see light at the end, a way out ............. and then, THUD! Into the Pit, I fell. I felt like I had survived 90% of the worst, to make it to what seemed like maybe within just weeks or even days, of our exodus, only to lay down in the dirt and give up completely.
   I do hope that paints a picture for you, I can still see it in my mind, and this is how I described it even then. Picture it, the Wilderness. You are dropped into it with nothing, no supplies, no sense of direction or time, no idea why or for how long you'll be there. It takes months, to get over the shock, to start participating in your survival. Even longer, before you actually think you're getting a handle on this, you're not just existing there anymore, you're thriving. You've adapted, developed a regimen, now you're learning, growing, acquiring new skills. And finally, you start to think.........not only could you survive here, for however long you needed to, but miraculously, you may actually make it out. I made it that far, nursing not quite healed wounds, but regaining strength, building determination, even a bit proud of myself for not giving up already. And then, blazing towards me, fiery darts from out of nowhere, arrows from the enemy. This final assault, so effective, I truly did decide to just lay down, put my face in the dirt and lay there. I was done assessing, done coping and done fighting. It wasn't that I was a quitter, I just felt like I understood my reality better now, and the reality was, I had miscalculated. Overcoming, should have never been my goal. Endurance, maybe......survival, patience or grace, might have been attainable goals, but not victory, not triumph. I could see that now, how naive I had been, enduring does not mean winning...........participating or even completing something, does not mean winning. I had it wrong all along. I thought this was a timed contest, that would eventually come to an end, with winners and losers. It wasn't that at all. This was training, no points given, competing against yourself only, and I had hit the wall. I had peaked short of the finish line, close no doubt, but short. It wasn't like I gave up for no reason, I had done the best I could, believed as much and as big as I could, but I was spiritually, mortally wounded. And for that reason, decided to get away for a few days, to Dallas. After all, why stay?

I wish I could tell you I had been braver, stronger....that nothing steals my joy or hope. But, the truth is, I went for almost 4 days, Saturday to Tuesday, not speaking to my Lord, not praying, not praising.....I didn't want to talk about it, didn't want encouragement, I wouldn't even listen to praise and worship music. I didn't read my Bible or any of the studies, that had been my constant companions for months. I was too tired, too hurt, and too defeated. I wouldn't say His name, I wouldn't cry out anymore. I had asked, pleaded for months and now..... I was done, maybe not done with God, but done struggling, done hoping. But, He was not done with me.

   Sometime late Tuesday afternoon, my resolve began to crack, He began softening my heart, speaking to my spirit, in the tiniest, bearable amounts. I'll have to go back through my journals to see what exactly it was, that began opening the floodgates. But, I remember gradually throughout the day, I wasn't ready to pray yet, but I would find myself whispering, a time or two....."Jesus, Jesus." Then, later, I turned on my music, wouldn't sing along-heaven forbid- but I was listening. Then, I was listening to sermons, one in particular, from Brady Boyd at New Life in Colorado. Brady Boyd, is the pastor that followed the disgraced Ted Haggard, he is also the pastor that on his 118th day as pastor of New Life, witnessed a gunman opening fire on a Sunday morning, killing two. His message was entitled, "When God Disappoints Us." It's an extraordinarily powerful sermon, and as I thought about his words, I felt the Holy Spirit whispering to me, "It's a lie, it's the greatest lie of the enemy." And it is, Satan wants us to believe that God is a great, big disappointment. He doesn't want us to focus on everything He has done for us, given us.......the enemy hopes we remember only, the time it didn't turn out as we'd hoped. Forget creation and Calvary, and meditate on the times God's answer was anything other than, "Yes." Remember your suffering, your loss, your own desires, unfulfilled. Satan wants us to live and breathe every expectation that wasn't met, every "good thing" God has withheld. This is a form of bondage, and it's one of the enemy's favorites.

   By Tuesday evening, I was broken again, humbled before the Lord. I confessed my sin, my anger, hurt, my wrath towards others, my weakness, my confusion. I began telling Jesus, "Lord, I just don't understand. I don't see Your hand, I don't know where You are, or I would be running towards You. I don't know what You are doing or what I should be doing. Lord, I have walked by faith and not by sight for months, I need sight now. I need just a glimpse to point me in the right direction. Lord, I'm too tired, too broken to dig it out for myself today." And, I was.....I really was.

   Do you know the fog that comes with "rock bottom?" It is a fatigued, exhausted version of yourself. On one hand, I felt like I was so emotionally and physically tired, that I was only passively participating in my life. But, on the other hand, there is a certain clarity and security that comes with truly believing, it could not possibly get worse. I was in that fog for 4 days and finally Tuesday, felt like my breakthrough was coming. But, no one, was as shocked as I was, at the form my breakthrough would take.

   That night, or morning, as it were, July 6th, I had a third dream. The same, as the others, in some ways and yet, vastly different. I was awake, I know I was awake. Like the others, it was incredibly detailed, very definite meanings, it was in color, it was between 2-4 AM, and I felt only peace and calm during and after it. There, the similarities end. Before, my dreams were very brief, in dream 2, there wasn't even scenery or images. But, this one was packed with information, meaning and content. This one had many other people and settings in it. And again, as soon as it was over, I leaped out of bed and started writing. I still remember every bit of it, but that night I was so overwhelmed, I actually recorded myself saying it aloud, while it was still fresh. By early the next morning, I had repeated it to Andy, to my parents and then parked myself at the computer, researching it. There were several Old Testament references, and though I felt like I understood them, I wanted to be very sure I wasn't missing some of the context or meaning. It was, at the same time, the craziest thing I've ever experienced, and the most clarifying, reassuring and normal thing I've ever experienced.

   The first dreams, I felt, were for other people, but this one was for me. And, while I understood what I was seeing, understood the important parts that I was supposed to be paying attention to, I didn't understand what I was supposed to do with it. There was only one specific part, that I knew was for someone else, and I, trying to be good to my commitment, was obedient to share that part with the intended person. It was a message of comfort. After that, I was totally at a loss.

   A side note- I am really praying and thinking about how best to present this, and while I believe I understand how, I also know it may seem unfair or frustrating to you, the reader. For that, I apologize. But, most of the third dream was for me and me alone. And, while I have no problem telling you what it was about, I hesitate, because I am still coming to terms with it's meaning and significance for my life. Oh, I understand what it meant- the images, the symbolism........... and I believe it, alright. But, I don't understand what it means for my future, or ministry or how to use it to encourage the body, just yet. I believe only time and the Holy Spirit will help me with this. Someday, I will write a book, it will be called, "The Writing on the Wall," and perhaps then, all of these unwritten pages will find their place.

   I was earnestly seeking wisdom and further understanding, but I wasn't even sure where to begin. I began calling one or two friends, one or two pastors, I researched a couple people to email, but didn't feel like any of these doors were supposed to open, so I didn't pursue them. But, I did begin praying that someone would be put in my path who could offer a unique insight and wisdom for me. I asked several people to join me in praying that God would put a "counselor" in my path, who was objective and removed from my situation. I honestly didn't think this person would be in Lubbock, after all, if they were, I would already know them. Over the last year, we had developed some close relationships at the seminary, and in some of the churches we had either talked to, in years past, or had friends currently serving in. I felt confirmation in my spirit, that getting away to Dallas, was becoming even more important.

   Mom and I had already decided, that weekend, we were hitting the road, a decision made immediately upon entering the Pit................ but unbeknown to us, this would become a decision, paramount to our departure of not only the Pit, but the Wilderness.

So, here is our time-line thus far- Devastation of the Pit, Saturday. Pit dwelling, Saturday-Tuesday. Dream 3, Wednesday. Friday- Mom's birthday (we'll visit that in a minute.) Saturday, leave for Dallas, Saturday......wreckage.

Mom's birthday........with the exception of a small group of friends, no one had any idea what had happened that week. But, those that did, had been reeling right along with us, for the better part of a week. We had pretty much been in seclusion, easy to do with 4th of July earlier in the week, until Friday, when Andy would be playing a gig. Andy attracts talent, amazing talent, but even more than that, he attracts amazing people, Godly, courageous, steadfast, burden bearing people. It's just gravy that they are musical phenoms. Getting to spend time with these good folks and their good folks, was always enjoyable. So off we went.

Totally a normal night, all my favorites there. I only share this because of a few key conversations. The first, was with my dearest "Smiths." We were talking about the fact that mom and I would be leaving town the next morning. Mother Smith asked if I was taking the babies.........and strangely I was not. I remember so distinctly, telling her that it had been a very difficult week and that for the first time, in their lives, I was leaving them at home. I'm a stay at home mom......if I go, babies go. Always have. Especially, with mom going with me........any other time, without exception, we would have taken the babies. You see, mom and I had made this same plan at least 5 times that year......"We're just gonna get away, just us, no kids, and decompress." And every time, schedules, life......guilt.......got in the way, and the few times we actually went anywhere, babies went. I told Mother Smith, that for some reason, I had such a peace about mom and I going alone. Even though it was inconvenient, as Andy was leaving in the morning for a youth camp. I knew in my spirit, this was a trip I needed to be on and I needed to be on it with my mom, and only my mom.

It was almost 10pm when we left Andy's gig and I took the babies home while he loaded up. For some reason, I felt so impressed to just enjoy how sweet and precious they were being. Usually, late nights spell blithering heaps of stickiness and yelping, but tonight being worn out had made them melt into goo of a different sort. They were simple and silly, giving kisses and hugs to me and each other, we sang and read and snugged. I just didn't want it to end and when Andy came home after 11 we were still snugged in. Daddy normally tucks in kiddos, but tonight I wanted to. I made sure to kiss each of their faces at least five more times.
That night as I lay thinking about the week, the dear friends we were surrounded with and how God had blessed me with such a precious family......I began to pray over all of it, the more I prayed, the more I felt like I needed to pray and soon it became fear. "What if something happened? What if this wasn't the worst that it could be?" In the last year, we had seen so many heartbreaking losses of children, spouses and families. I felt burdened to pray over everyone, but wasn't sure why, I was trying to pinpoint why my spirit was so troubled and when I couldn't, began to really be consumed with fear. I couldn't let it go. I got back up and went to the kids rooms and began pleading the blood of Jesus over them, praying specifically for health, safety and their salvation. I then went to Andy, and again, began pleading the blood of Jesus over him, over his travels, his protection and safety. I went to bed feeling only somewhat at peace. Watchman Nee, in his book, Let Us Pray, talks about when you have a burden to pray for something, continue to be mindful of whether or not you feel released of that burden after prayer.......if you don't, persist in prayer, God intends to breakthrough something and wants you to be a part of it. I felt like I still had a burden and continued to pray on and off through the night.

We were leaving very early the next morning, so by 5, I was wide awake. As soon as I put my feet down, smack.....burdened again. I repeated my ritual, but this time I felt like I needed to pray for my own travels, I hadn't the night before. When mom and I met up, I told her about my restless night and we prayed together, for our safety, for our trip to be fruitful and relaxing. And then, off we went.
That morning in the car, the conversation was different. It was free of anger, free of sadness or hopelessness. It seemed like since the dream, God had been speaking something different to us, to all of us. In the last couple of days, I know I had begun to feel like I had missed the mark somewhat. This was becoming less about the actions of another person and more about what God was intending for each of us, completely separate from our situation. The dream was a powerful thing for me, and it made me think "Wait a minute, are you talking to me Lord? Are you trying to wake me up to something or teach me something that is entirely independent of this situation?" I felt like the answer was, Yes. Definitely, Yes!

Mom and I had been on the road for 2 hours, having this exact conversation. There was no music, no phones, no sermons or texting. Just us, on the road talking. We had both become keenly aware, that God was doing something here, we didn't know what exactly, but it was much bigger than we had imagined. It was the beginning of letting go of our situation, and embracing that everything that had been consuming us, was becoming secondary to a much greater thing. We had stopped and switched drivers and now I was driving. Which is a good thing and a God thing.
You see, I have been in a horrible car wreck before, years and years ago. But, it made me one of the few drivers I really trust. I always prefer to drive, or sit in front making sure the driver's awake and alert. I don't want to be in a car wreck, ever again.
As we continued on, mom and I were having this exact conversation: Everything in the last 6 months had shown us what we lack as believers and what we, had desperately, hoped to see in our situation. And while it was disappointing, it was also clarifying to identify those things, so now we can pursue them. We had seen a lack of discernment, a lack of prayer, a lack of humility, a lack of courage, a lack of wisdom and a lack of accountability for months. Summed up- a lack of the Holy Spirit. In its earliest form, we saw roots become a stronghold. We saw up close and personal, how spiritual attack, pride and idolatry can take hold and destroy everything around it. And, even as believers, we were ill equipped to do anything about it. As Baptists, we were not trained in the art of War, which is not to say we weren't trying, we were relentless in our prayer, but we weren't using the weapons in our arsenal, we didn't know how. We thought fighting our own flesh, was offense enough. It was not. I thought as long a I could be proud of my conduct and choices, that was the only defense I needed. I was wrong. Nothing is won with defense alone. We were fighting oppression, darkness and principalities.........and we were losing. God has given us weapons of righteousness, weapons of war......He has given us not just divine armor for our defense, but weapons for attack, weapons that free captives and break chains.

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, 15and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; 16in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evilone. 17And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17

He has given us His Word, His Name and His Blood, which nothing can stand against. And that was the conversation we were having. I said "Mom, I feel like no matter what happens here, God has put a passion in us to pursue these things, to teach and equip others. If you just started with those three things, His Name, Blood and Word, and were diligent to teach them and master them.......we would be changing the world, changing churches and lives. There is a life that is powerful, that is bold and prays with authority, that we don't have and we need. We can never go back, we can never forget this."

I've shared a lot about my dad before, but my mom also has had a significant impact on my walk and faith. My mom has the gift of encouragement and as soon as this season began, she went immediately to the Word. Even though, she was fighting her own darkness and discouragement, she was faithful to return to God's word. Mom is a voracious reader, studier and pray-er and offered tremendous wisdom and counsel to all of us this year. Mom was seeing things and understanding things about what God was doing, long before I grasped it, long before most of us grasped it. She was sharing her journey and discovery of the same things and some of the preachers and books she had been reading lately, all pointing in the same direction.

I was just listening and driving, eyes forward and I must have been lost in thought and started to drift a little in my lane, nothing major, should have been easy to correct. Mom, not alarmed, just making sure I was paying attention, said "Sara!" And, that was it. I have no idea how the rest happened, it should have never happened. I should have been able to straighten up without any effort or disruption, but instead we were spinning out of control.

We were on I20, outside of Sweetwater, spinning out of control, on a Saturday morning. I don't know how many of you have ever been in a car that is spinning, but it goes slower than you think. In the car, things were standing, almost still. I had been in this place before, I was so intent on trying to remember how to turn into it and regain control, I know for sure I didn't take my foot off the gas pedal. I was a little embarrassed, honestly. I remember the first car wreck I was in, I was the passenger in my friend's car and I was looking at her as we spun, thinking how silly this was........why didn't she just stop spinning?! And now, I was in the driver's seat, feeling foolish and very sorry that I couldn't seem to do just that.....stop spinning.

Mom and I were very aware that there were steep bar ditches on either side, train tracks on one side and oncoming traffic on the other. We knew we weren't stopping and we knew we were headed for the ditch, on the track side. I just knew we were going to flip, I could see it in my mind......we were going so fast, it seemed inevitable that we were about to flip, either into another car, into the ditch, or onto the tracks. We were careening sideways towards the tracks and I could see them coming towards us through my moms window. I really felt so certain we were about to die, there were no thoughts of family or faces, no sentimental memories. Just the stark realization of what was only seconds away. I knew I couldn't fix this and I knew I needed help.

I began just shouting, screaming as loudly as I could..........."JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!" That was it, just His name, no pleas or other words, just the Name of Jesus. And, in an instant our car lifted up and still spinning, was hurled into a field, over the bar ditch, over the train tracks and into a plowed dirt field, at least 50 feet the other side of the tracks. We came crashing down so hard, the doors flew open, the trunk flew open, air bags deployed and the front wheels were almost bent in on themselves. The field around us was scattered with everything that had once been in the car, except us.

We sat there a few minutes just stunned, checking to see if were alright. We got out of the car and saw immediately the people running towards us from the highway, stop in their tracks and just stare at us. We stood there all looking at each other in disbelief. One of the men, Steve Sides, from Abilene, snapped out of it and started running towards us again. He ran right up to me and said "I can't believe you just got out of that car, we just knew y'all were gone!" My mom and I started weeping and telling the group that had gathered around us what had just happened inside the car, how we had called on the Name of the Lord and how He had indeed, saved us. One of the men, a former highway trooper, said it was like the Dukes of Hazard, he told us how he had told his wife not to look and that we were about to be flipped or thrown from the car. He said right as his wife put her head in her hands, it was like our car was just "picked up, carried over the tracks and dropped, right into a field." We stood there with a group of strangers, crying and praising God. We knew and they knew, that this was a miracle.

As I stood there, watching these kind people gather up our belongings and sort through what was salvageable, I was overcome looking at all of the debris, scattered on the road and field ...........understanding perfectly, why the babies had not come with us. I stood there next to my mom with my arms raised towards God, thanking and praising Him, that I wasn't looking at my baby's toys, sippy cups, car seats, blankets or tiny bodies strewn around us. The inside of the car was like a box that had just been picked up and shaken. Things that had been in the floor board were stuck into the interior lining on the roof. Zipped and locked bags, were fully open and their contents scattered over many yards. The top of the car and the hood were crunched into fine creases, everything was covered in dirt and splashed coffee. It smelled like hot metal and burning rubber and plastic. We were covered in the powder from the airbags, but neither our skin nor eyes burned (they never did.)

We stood in the field as all of this washed over us, trying to figure out what to do. Someone had already called 911 and was trying to tell them where we were. Mom and I shared our testimony of what had just happened with every curious person that stopped, the original group of helpers, the police, state troopers, wrecker service and anyone else that would listen. One of the troopers kept trying to get a report of what happened, he listened to mom a little, then came and asked me a few questions, a tad irritated he went to Mr. Sides, " Can you tell me where they flipped? They remember most everything that happened, but can't seem to tell me where they flipped. " I remember Mr. Sides telling the officer, that it was a miracle, but we had never flipped, we left the ground alright, but didn't flip. He then began telling us through tears how he had been at a wedding in Lubbock the night before and for some crazy reason, left his wife and kids asleep at their hotel and came on, towards home. He told us that his wife, was a little angry that he was so insistent on coming home a day early and without them, for no other reason than to mow the yard. He laughed, because he wasn't really sure why he wanted to leave either, but he did. He began sobbing and telling us that he had a rough year and that more than anything else in the world, he needed to see God be big and know that God was in control. And He had sure shown us that, hadn't He!

Everything we had been praying for, begging for, for months and months, was given to us on the side of the road, in a dirt field, surrounded by strangers. In an instant, God answered every prayer, every question and cry. And, every answer was YES. Our relentless prayer had been, "Are you there, God?! Do you see me? Do you care? Will you ever intervene?! Can you save us, can you fix this? Can you still move mountains?! Is there a purpose to all of this?? Are you big enough for this?!" We found out that day, that in Christ, everything is YES! He showed us that He was right there with us, hearing every word, seeing every out of control minute. He showed us that His intervention is neither too soon, or too late. He showed us that He was our Protector and that He is fierce and mighty. He showed us that there is power in the Name of Jesus!

We had been consumed for months, in the most excruciating stress, anxiety and despair. Even our bodies were showing the signs of this long-term battle, all of us, in some form or another, was suffering through insomnia, ulcers, depression, weight gain, weight loss, hair loss, muscle tension............our bodies ached , our hearts ached, for months...........and suddenly, I found myself in that field, totally worry free. I wasn't even worried about my parents car, that I had just totaled.......let's not forget that! I knew from that point on, that everything was going to be alright. Even if I didn't understand, I was completely at rest in my Father's care.

We called Andy and we called Dad. While Dad was on the phone with us, he began praying over us and reading scripture over us and then he texted that passage to me.........It will be important again soon.

Psalm 116

¹I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
²Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

³The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
⁴Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me! ”

⁵The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
⁶The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.

⁷Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

⁸For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
⁹that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

We weren't really sure what to do next, but the car was done, tied up on a truck and driven away. Mr. Sides gave us a ride into Sweetwater and we waited there for my dad to come get us. We stopped at a gas station and explained what had happened. They were so nice to us, they helped us unload the former contents of our car, into a back dining room and then closed it off, so we were the only two in there. It was just mom and I sitting across from each other at a long table, surrounded by empty chairs and we began to sob. We cried for a pretty good while, the waitresses-mistaking our tears for sorrow, would come by occasionally bringing ice water or wet towels, and just quietly pat us on the shoulder. When we were finally able to pull it together, Mom said, "Well, I'm not crying because I'm sad, are you?!" No, I replied. But, you go first. "This was a miracle, it was just for us, just exactly what God had been trying to show us. He is an ON-TIME God! Everything is going to be fine." We talked about it for a while and then we talked about what we should do when Dad finally got there. Do we go to Dallas or go home? Honestly, we could have done either and either would have been fine. But, the reason and motivation behind our road trip had changed entirely. We may go to Dallas, but we're not escaping or running anymore. We may go back home, but it wouldn't be to worry or try to figure out what would happen next. We could finally be content, wherever, with whomever, doing whatever. I began writing everything down in my journal while we talked it over.

Strangely, we decided "what the heck!" might as well go on with our plans. The kids were already squared away, reservations were already made............and actually, this was the first trip we took to relax, that just might serve it's intended purpose. People were worried about getting us checked out, but mom and I both knew, we didn't then and wouldn't be feeling pain. And, we didn't. Not a back twinge, whiplash, broken nail, we weren't burned, no broken ankles, nothing......not ever.

We ended up sitting there for a couple hours, even had a coke and a bit to eat. I saw dad pull in to the truck stop, so we got up to meet him. As he rounded the corner, I could tell his face was red and he had been crying. It seems he'd had his own moment on the drive. He finally spoke, "I saw where you went off the road........and I don't know how you didn't hit the train." WHAT TRAIN?! I didn't remember seeing a train at all. But, dad did. About 200 yards passed where we flew into the field, there sits about 40 old rail cars on the tracks. They've been there since I can remember, they never move. If we had spun 3 more times maybe, or stayed on the road another 30 seconds, we absolutely would have smashed right into the side of a train. Even though Dad hadn't been in the car with us, God showed him the same things He showed us. HE IS IN CONTROL.

Dad and our good friend, Dean, brought us an extra car and didn't even bat an eye when we told them we were headed to Dallas. This time, Mom drove. We had a much different conversation that half of the highway. I felt even more compelled to find answers, to figure out what the Lord was showing me. So, I called a few of my close friends and began relating what had happened that day. One of those phone calls, was to Autumn, I asked her if she knew of anyone that would have wisdom and direction for me............and just like God, she did.

That night, from our hotel, I emailed Terese Holloway for the first time ever.

If you are reading my blog and want to put this in context chronologically, this weekend was 2 weekends before "In My Father's House." "Wreckage" and everything that came after showed me a lot, but a few things in particular. It showed me there was simply no need to worry about anything, anymore. It showed me that God is in fact, very much in control. And, it showed me that we would be leaving Lubbock.

I'll spend more time on this in the next post, but God had a plan for us, even after we got to Dallas, and how we spent our time there, changed everything. And, on the drive home, past that same stretch of highway, was the first time God spoke to my heart, that we would not be staying. I had honestly never even considered it before.

Shalom Y'all

Brother Blevins

2012-04-16T02:40:00.000-05:00

     I was asking my mom and dad to check their journals to see when our next story began. And, if you can believe it, it was a year ago this past Friday. That's pretty remarkable how the Lord does that. I am really trying hard to get this post done today so you can begin to see the picture we are painting.

   Brother Blevins. Daulton Blevins, there could not be a man that more embodied the kindness, faithfulness, joy, and love of Christ. Daulton and his precious wife, Pauline, came into our lives back in 2001, in Lubbock. Daulton had served as a deacon for 60 years and Pauline taught Sunday school for almost as long, 6th grade girls. They were were the ideal representative for an entire generation of FBC Lubbock saints. People who worked hard, served others, loved others, were honest, faithful and kind.........they were very special people, part of a very special group to my family.

Soon after my parents moved to Lubbock, my dad's new path of ministry crossed with Daulton's steadfast and enduring path of service and one of the most precious friendships began. You see my dad's parents had gone on home to Jesus many years before and Daulton and Pauline became my dad's "parents." Yes, socially, in that they shared holidays, celebrations, and time together, but also spiritually......they prayed together, ministered together, walked in faith and life........ together. And, even at 92, no one was ready to let Daulton go. Daulton had very courageously fought cancer in hopes of being there, for his family and precious wife Pauline, for as long as possible.

I find myself saying precious a lot, if you know Miss Pauline, there is no better word.

   My dad shared almost daily trips to the Blevins house, sharing Oreos on the porch, or having lunch around their kitchen table, and throughout Daulton's illness, he shared daily visits to the hospital or spent time by his side at home. An entire book could be written about the man Daulton was and the friend and father he became to my dad.

No one has seen death like my dad has. He has seen it in every stage, he has seen it in young and old, men and women, he has seen it come quickly and seen it exhaust and frustrate, as it evades those who pray for it to come swiftly. He knows its sounds and smells, he knows that sometimes when a doctor says "a few weeks," they really should be saying "a few days."

He has walked this road with so many, held hands, comforted and stood watch with countless husbands, wives, children and parents as their loved ones are ushered into heaven. He walked this road with his parents and he walked this road with Daulton. And I know, as much as the thought of losing him pained my dad, he prayed everyday for months this day would be the day, for he knew, what we knew, what Daulton knew............. the truth that Jesus had prepared a place for him, in His Father's house. Jesus would be waiting with open arms to receive a servant so faithful. And though we all prayed for the Ultimate Healing, it killed me that dad would suffer this loss, during our sojourn in the Wilderness. The worst, most painful time for a worst, most painful loss.

   Even though he was going through the same dark season as we all were, my dad remained faithful, compassionate and merciful to everyone, but Daulton in particular. They had talked for months about his funeral, his wishes for Pauline and his family. Dad has done hundreds of funerals and done them masterfully, but I know that for the weeks he spent preparing Daulton's service, he would gather his thoughts, his notes and write out his sermon through tears and heartbreak. Dad must have practiced it a thousand times, he would stand in the backyard, where all his best sermons are first preached and repeat it relentlessly until he could make it all the way through. He would come in and announce "Well, I made it through the first 5 minutes....." And so on, and so on.....until every word Daulton deserved, every word that would comfort his family, every word that pointed back to Christ could be delivered, unbroken.

   When that day came, it was one of the most powerful funerals I have ever attended. Often times, when people lead extraordinarily long lives, many of their would be friends and loved ones are already gone or unable to attend their service. At 92 years old, there were hundreds of people there. A sanctuary packed with friends, family, former Sunday school children, now with their children and grandchildren, came to honor Daulton. Fellow and former deacons, people who had been to "sing-ings" in the Blevins house, people who had been visited in hospitals or homes, people who had been taken the Lord's Supper from Daulton or my dad, when they were too sick to come to the Lord's table..........all came to honor Brother Blevins. If you've been around churches in Texas or in the Southern Baptist Convention very long, you would know D.L. Lowrie and John Ballard. Legends for their preaching, singing, pastoring, compassion and character gave brilliant messages. I'll never forget Dr. Lowrie announcing that "He had stood at this podium for mayors, government officials, bank presidents........men of wealth and influence..........and Daulton Blevins was the most Godly man he had ever known." Now, that was saying something. I mean, really saying something. To hear those words from a man like Dr. Lowrie..........there could not possibly be a higher compliment levied. Two of the true greats at what they do, no, in fact, I would say three.   Dr. Lowrie, John Ballard, and their former on-the-job-trainee, my dad, Jerry Huggins.
   I did not think there could be a more significant moment than Dr. Lowrie's pronouncement of Daulton's Godliness, or John Ballard, well into his seventies or eighties, belting beloved hymns like some young gun, but there was. As my dad made his remarks, he began going down the rows of Daulton's entire family, one by one, addressing them by name. Pauline, 4 children, 4 spouses, 10 grandchildren, 5 great grandchildren..........24 people in the order they were sitting, and my dad told each one of them what he and Daulton, had prayed for them over the span of 10 years. From high school graduations, college graduations, new jobs, engagements, marriages, children, troubled marriages, restored marriages, cancer, healing, bar exams, moves, lost jobs, football games, boyfriends, grandchildren........their salvation, their baptisms, their walk with Christ. Dad gave a record of Daulton that only he could, a record of Daulton's love, concern, pride and prayers for his entire family. It was overwhelming. For me, it was painfully, achingly overwhelming.

   The day before Daulton passed away, I had asked my dad how he was doing. Dad said the doctors were giving 1-2 weeks, he felt like it would be 1 week or less. I hadn't been able to find time to see him in months. By April, the part I was hating most about the Wilderness, was how it consumed you, keeping you from even being aware of so much going on around you. So many ministry opporunities missed, because we couldn't break free from our chains. That was it, a brief conversation in passing.

   That night I would have my second "dream." As I lay awake in bed, praying I would fall asleep soon, I felt one of the strongest words from the Holy Spirit I ever had. There was no scene, no color, no words....just a thought. But, a thought that wasn't mine. I wasn't even thinking about Daulton, but so clearly in my head there was this thought, not audible or words I could see written out, just a thought. "Daulton will be gone in 2-4 hours, call dad, he is to be there with him." I sat upright, stunned for a few minutes and immediately began questioning, "Lord, is that me or you?" I nudged Andy and told him what happened. I wasn't sure what to do, I felt like it was very clear, but, it was also 3 in the morning, what if I was wrong?

   My immediate thoughts were of how embarrassed I would be if I wasn't right, I sat there with my phone, "Seriously, Sara? You're gonna call and upset your dad at 3am, as though he isn't going through enough right now?" "You're right," I told myself, that's crazy. Instead, I called Daulton's Hospice floor, I got a charge nurse and explained who I was, I asked how Daulton was doing, she said he was finally sleeping peacefully. I didn't want to tell her why, but, I did ask if he was in distress. She said everything was fine. I remember blurting out, "Can you check on him?! Do you think he could die tonight?!?!" I know she must have thought I was a lunatic. She assured me he would be here 1-2 weeks.

   I hung up the phone, not at all relieved, scolding myself for being a mess. "What a fool! Look how foolish you would be if you had called anyone else? You've got to get it together, you can't just launch grenades at people because you feel like the Lord is telling you something. How selfish, how reckless?" That went through my head all night long.

   As soon as it was past, ridiculously early I called my dad, no answer. I tried my mom, no answer. I tried the house and was relieved when my mom answered, "Good, they're home!" That's a good sign. We chatted a few minutes and I asked where dad was, "Oh, Sara, I thought he probably called you. Daulton passed away, very early this morning." I just began sobbing, "Oh God, Mom, tell me Dad was with him. Tell me he woke up and decided to go up there." " No, one of the kids called after a nurse called them." I melted into a heap on the floor.

   I couldn't believe it, what costly disobedience, what costly pride! I didn't really want to discuss it with anyone, because who talks about themselves, and how horrible they're feeling, when someone else dies? But, I was a wreck most of that day and for several days after. This, would be the second time, I fought such darkness and attack. You get to a place in your walk, where you are dealing with the subtler sins, arrogance, envy, fear, complacency.....it had been some time, since I had found myself in such blatant disobedience. Or, at least disobedience that was so painfully costly. I had been walking so closely with the Lord, and still walked head on into disobedience, and I knew it. I knew what I was supposed to do, but the fear of looking foolish, of being wrong, fear of feeling melodramatic, fear of disappointing others when they saw how way off I was............I cry even now, remembering how ashamed and guilty I feel for not calling my dad.

   Over the next couple of days, the enemy would attack me at this deepest, freshest wound with absolutely crippling, guilt and shame. How could have I robbed my dad of those sacred moments? How could I have robbed Daulton of not having my dad, his grafted-in son, with him as he goes to meet Jesus? Who would do that?! Who would not pass on the intended blessing to such deserving men? I still groan at the thought of it. Lord, don't trust me with anything! I clearly am undeserving. This was what was going through my head at the funeral and the days after.

Eventually, God's forgiveness and mercy pierced into my darkness. But, disobedience always carries a consequence, sometimes even after you've repented. I spent days praying about what I could take away from such a painful experience, what was the point of all this Lord? And again, there was a thought, just a thought, but a thought that was not mine. "Never again. Never again, Sara, never let fear or doubt cause disobedience like this." I knew then, He was right, never again. Like committing my life to Christ or surrendering to ministry, I committed to relentless and fearless obedience to whatever the Holy Spirit leads, whatever word He gives, whatever directive goes with it........I'm doing it, I'm speaking it, I'm giving it. I don't have to understand it, I don't have to see it play out, but I'm not stopping short of complete obedience.

   The first dream taught me that God could use me to bless and minister to others, completely separate from my will or desires, if I would obey Him. The second dream taught me to obey and trust Him, no matter what, overcome fear, doubt and ego and start running after Him, wherever it leads. The second dream uniquely prepared me- in July, when I had the third one, it was this experience and commitment to never again disobey what I know to be the Holy Spirit, that would lead me to the car wreck, to Dallas, to meet with counselors, pastors and professors, to call Autumn asking for wisdom, to call Terese, Autumn's friend, to lunch with a stranger, to Seeds of Hope, to leaving Haran for Canaan.

Blessings,
Sara

The Dreams in Between

2012-04-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

   Throughout last year, especially early Spring and into Summer, I really began having a paradigm shift in my spirit. I was finally beginning to emerge from shell shock to see that whether we stayed in Lubbock had become entirely secondary, to what He was showing and teaching us about ourselves, about Him, about what He was really preparing us for. This had become something so much more. Often times, as adults we feel we've reached our fullness, so to speak. We start to feel comfortable that we've pretty much figured out the hard stuff and now it's a matter of practice it, until you die! But, Oh Friend! Not with God, not with God! If I could convey one thing to young people, it would be how exciting walking with Christ is. And, isn't it?! I walked in rebellion a fair number of years, and life was tasteless. But this? This road the Lord has led me down.......has been filled with the most amazing love story, to the most amazing man (twilight schmilight!) miracles, healing, action, suspense and laughter, oh such laughter.

   But the most exciting part of all, is when He pulls you aside - maybe your life has been paused or maybe He's led you to the Wilderness- but He leans down and speaks to your spirit "Sara, you thought you knew it all, knew my limits? Hey darling, I'm about to show you just how Awesome, I am." And, then He does.

   Mine and Autumn's friendship and journey together continued into the summer, but through a series of events in July I felt compelled to really start digging this thing out, and was actively seeking out and praying about who to get counsel from. But, I have to back up a tad for July to make sense. Typical, right? I don't have the writing skills to communicate without literary flashbacks, flash forwards, slide flashes........

   I told you there were a few dreams and there were. It wasn't until later that I would be able to really appreciate their significance or connectedness, July in fact.   If you ever been in serious spiritual turmoil, maybe you can relate to this.......I was almost never sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. After months and months without rest, it becomes your new normal and you figure out how you want to use your time. There were nights, when I just lay there, unable to control my thoughts or anxiety. But, there were other nights that were different. I couldn't sleep, but not because of stress, because the Holy Spirit would prompt me to pray about something, or write something down, I felt like He would give me a spiritual tap on the shoulder, "not tonight, no sleep right now. This is too important." I had gotten in the habit of keeping my Bible studies out and ready for me to return to them, I kept a journal and pen by my bed.

   Usually, it was a summons to Scripture, a part I had missed or needed to be meditating on. But, one night it was quite different. I know it was sometime after we moved into our house, and I remember relating this story to the girls in Bible study I was teaching, maybe late fall? But at the time, I didn't really understand it.
    One night, Andy and I again lay in bed sleepless and restless. It was after 2 when we finally turned the TV off and by 2:15 I was writing furiously. I know I wasn't asleep. I had laid down, it was dark and my eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep. I had just started to talk myself into taking deep breathes to relax, when I saw brilliant light. It was the warmest, most radiant light and my grandmother was in it. My Father's mother, Nanny had died when I was in the fourth grade after suffering for years with emphysema. I know there must have been times when I saw her healthy, perhaps around 5 or 6, but even then was painfully thin and on oxygen quite a bit. I mostly remember her very sick. I had never before seen her, the way I was seeing her now.

   She was neither strangely young or old. But, she radiated light and health. I remember just gasping out loud at how beautiful she was. Her hair was so shiny and her skin luminescent. I remember saying to her "Oh, Nanny you're so beautiful! You are so beautiful, this isn't from my memory. I've never seen you this way." She just smiled. A wave of sadness washed over me, and I told her "Daddy will be heartbroken that I am having this dream and not him, I know he has prayed to see you in his dreams for years. He misses you so badly."
   For the first time she spoke, "I know, but this is how it has to be." I immediately wanted to tell her everything about her grandchildren, and great grandchildren, about my family and ministry. But, as soon as I had the thought, I also knew with such clarity and certainty.......... there was no need, she already knew. No more words were spoken, but I knew somehow that this was the most important part, the part I was supposed to take away. She already knew everything, didn't need to be caught up. We didn't need to spend anytime wishing she had seen anything. And just like that, it was over. And I was scribbling like a lunatic. I had never had a dream with such vivid color, such detail or understanding. It didn't make me upset, I wasn't confused by it. I understood it exactly, knew the part I was supposed to share and knew it was important that I share it.

   The next morning I called my dad early. I told him he needed to come to the house, that I wanted to talk to him. In the same wilderness, my parents were having the same sleep issues, so by 8 he was front and center. I began to relate this dream to him. He grew very still and quiet, I could tell he was fighting tears. And, for the briefest moment I regretted telling my dad. He said very little and got up and left. I didn't try to stop him or have a conversation, I knew this had to break his heart just a little. Later that afternoon, I went to my parents house and waited for my dad to get in. When he did, I just hugged him and cried, "Dad, I'm so sorry, I know this should have been your dream, it would have been so comforting to you." He kind of just shook his head, and said "No, this was how it was supposed to be."

   He began telling me that late the night before as he walked and prayed, like he did so often, he was just overcome with sadness and just missed his mom so bad. He told me how he just stopped for several minutes and just cried to the Lord, for his mother. He wanted so badly to share about his sisters, his kids and his ministry, to know that she knew how he was serving the Lord.

   For several minutes, we just sat there stunned and crying. Dad and I totally understood, if he had been the one to have that dream, he would always wonder if it was just his subconscious or memories, floating to the surface. But, because I had it and was able to share with him the exact answers and comfort he was praying for, he knew, we knew without a doubt, it was all God. From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew somehow that dream was not for me. But, I was also fully aware, that God was using me to minister to someone else and required my obedience without interference, or commentary.

   It was one of the first times in my life I knew that the Lord used me to bless and minister to someone, not that I haven't tried to be a blessing before......but this was totally apart from me, or my inclination, this wasn't my desire, my words, my idea. It was totally the Lord, using me. And it was so exciting and humbling all at the same time. It made me want to be able to be used by Him again, and again. It made me want to cast off everything that would disqualify me from getting to experience this again.

   From that point on, I really began listening hard for the Lord, practicing being tuned to His Spirit, practicing being obedient with the things He trusted me with. But, it would be many months, before I would have my chance again.

More to come.
Shalom y'all,
Sara

Comments

2012-04-13T08:51:00.001-05:00

Wow, friends! I've already had so many encouraging and amazing emails, confirming that I was supposed to share this. Which is good, because from 4-7 this morning I thought and prayed about whether or not to leave it up. Why does it feel like such a huge risk for me to share this part of the story? Because, sometimes God reveals things about Himself that change everything, change what you thought you knew or understood, change your methods, change your ability to return to your life as it was before. And, that is exactly what God did to me and I wouldn't trade the revelation about who He is, for going back to the safe box I came from, for a minute. Please know I am trying to present this as cautiously and prayerfully as possible, in hopes that this brings you closer to Him and not further from me. Blessings from the cleft.

-To leave a comment, click on comments in blue, at the bottom and it will open them up. I don't make all of them public right away, some are intended to be private. But, I would love your feedback. Feel free to message me on FB or email at sbhuggy@yahoo.com

The Poets Prophet

2012-04-13T03:52:00.001-05:00

I always think I am going to share a quick story, but I almost never do. It amazes me all over again when I think back on how the Lord was working and moving in our midst last year. It's never really until there is some time and distance between you and your season that you can really appreciate the fullness of God's provision, of how thoughtful he was in meeting your needs. I am so glad that I journaled through this year so I can retrace some of it again.

I spent most of last year praying for relief, some kind of intervention. And, eventually I did get that, but long before that was realized, I was given so much more. The Lord gave me amazing relationships, timely and wise counsel, experiences that tested and grew me, discernment- so that I could really active participate in what He was doing, and not miss out. Priceless, absolutely priceless. We walked this road with people that will forever be in our lives, some new friends, some old friends, everyone with a purpose. And, each of them deserve their own separate tribute and given the time, I'd be honored to write each one. But for now, I share these- the prophet and the poet.

Aw, man. I can't believe I just used the word prophet and used it referring to a person still living. That makes me nervous.

    I actually had to take a few deep breaths and pull myself together a bit just now. Is this really a conversation I am willing to have? To so many of you, you lived this with us and walked through this with us.....I don't have to convince you of anything, you were there. But some of you weren't, and not only is it possible that you won't believe this, it's possible it will offend you. Not offended, like "I've said something inappropriate or crude"........offended like " I just brought up a taboo subject at the dinner table and no one knows what to do with it." And truly, that is not my intention, please forgive me. Good grief, Sara! I'm making myself uncomfortable!

   What's the thing no one talks about? Or at least not in my Baptist history..............I won't even say "Baptists" because many of you may already know all of this, but I will say "I."

   I didn't know, what I didn't know, about the Holy Spirit. I didn't understand, really understand, spiritual gifts or spiritual warfare. Which is ironic, for a couple reasons- One, giving spiritual gifts surveys is kinda the thing to do, I've taken several, but unless yours is teaching, serving, giving, mercy........the ones whose name's explain what you're supposed to do with it..........you may be hard pressed for any direction. The other irony- I have a degree in Religion, I'm in ministry! I'm sort of one of the ones who shouldn't be clueless! But, how clueless I was! If the Lord showed me anything last year, it's that there are things we are not teaching/don't know about prayer, about the Holy Spirit, about the reality of darkness and spiritual attack, about walking in authority and victory, about discernment..........But, God is good and part of His provision for me this last year was bringing people into my life, who had an abundance of all that I lacked. And, let me be the first to tell you, I am still coming to terms with all of this, I still don't have the answers, but I do know that I want to know.

Moving on.......

   One of the most miraculous and important friendships I will ever have, began quite unexpectedly....in fact so unexpectedly, that at first I questioned the intention. Never before, had God spoken to me through another person the way He spoke to me through Autumn. I don't know that in my lifetime, I will ever have that same experience again. Truth be known, and I happen to know it, it caught her more than a little off guard too. You see, it wasn't any effort on our parts that brought all this about, in fact it was totally in spite of it. It was like God continued to fling us at each other, until we realized, maybe we should be walking this out together. And to think, it began with an innocent email.

   The funny thing about the Wilderness, you may not be the only one in it, but there's not a whole lot of chatting going on there. God may use the same Wilderness to teach very different things. Everyone is there for different reasons, different lessons, following after the Lord down different paths......You see each other around and you may wave or hug, try to encourage as much as you can.......but then you continue on, in solitude. And, that's as it should be. But, sometimes the Lord ordains you walk with someone by your side for a while, welcomed company. I don't honestly know that Autumn even knew I was in the Wilderness, but nonetheless, she was sending me mail there.

   One day in March, I got the nicest email. Just a genuinely appreciative, thoughtful email just thanking Andy and I for our ministry. Remember we talked about how you can bless people with your words? This is one of the best examples of that. Should have been the end of it, except that I in my state assumed.......she must know something, she's heard something! I responded, thanking her for truly one of the most encouraging things I'd heard in a while, but I also asked what prompted her kindness. See, Autumn and I were friendly, but only saw each other in passing. We didn't talk on the phone, or FB, we weren't having lunches or getting our families together.............which is why it seemed so unexpected. Her answer was so simple- the Lord brought you to mind, had a conversation about how much she appreciated what we were trying to do through worship, decided to share it. No gossip, no scandal, not fishing for information.

   As it turned out, that would not be the last time He would bring me to her mind. A couple of times in March and April, I would get a note from Autumn, always a timely word, always exactly when I needed it. But I still wasn't at a place where I felt like I could share what were going through, so all I could offer was a "thank you."And I was truly thankful. Autumn couldn't have known it, but her words of encouragement or prayers, were reaching me in my worst times, literally within minutes or hours of cries to God for help or understanding, Ding! You've got mail!

   It wasn't until early May, that I actually understood God was bringing her into my life on purpose. But, once I understood it, I paid careful attention. Last year, there were 2 events that truly almost devastated me beyond recovery. Twice, that I thought I couldn't possibly survive another moment. There is a lot you can endure for yourself, but seeing the people you love and care about hurt is just agony. In May, one of my dearest friends was treated so cruelly and callously and I was helpless to do anything to stop it or make it better. Seeing her pain, her great pain, was one of the most difficult things to bear in the Wilderness. Satan really attacked me here, I was so angry, I was questioning God, ministry, whether or not He knew what He was doing and whether I cared to find out. I had several hours of inconsolable, weeping, darkness and oppression. I was left so tired and weak, that when I finally got it together, I just sat in my car, in the driveway, not sure where to go or what to do. I began confessing all this to the Lord, and begging for Him to speak clearly to me. I knew this was one of those pivotal moments where people in ministry decide to stay in ministry or decide it's not worth it. Leaving ministry or walking away from what I know to be true about the nature of Christ was never an option. But, certainly there are wounds that are so deep they chip away at your ability to be used in the kingdom, unless you confess, repent and let Christ heal them. For months, I had tried to be diligent to search out a word from the Lord for everyday, but part of my confession that day was that I was just too tired, I didn't trust myself to hear His voice anymore. As I sat in my car, I was holding my phone trying to think of who I could call or ask to pray for me.........sure enough, an email from Autumn came through right then. Not only did her words offer encouragement for how to see what was happening and get through it, but gave me such wise counsel about what to do about it and that was.......nothing. Be submissive to authority and trust that God would take care of my friend. Strangely, the exact opposite of what I would have chosen.

   I was so overwhelmed at how God had answered my prayers, I was filled with peace, hope and renewed resolve. Embarrassingly, I was also filled with the desire to drive myself to Autumn's house......unannounced........during dinner.......looking recently hysterical......... to thank her and give her confirmation that the Holy Spirit was using her to minister to me.

   *I think it's important to understand that people extend themselves by offering, counsel, a word, encouragement- that's a vulnerable place to be, hoping you understood the Holy Spirit right and that you are not about to seem ridiculous to someone. I always try to offer confirmation when I am on the receiving end of someones obedience, it edifies everyone. It gives them boldness and confidence to trust that it was in fact Spirit-led, encourages them to trust Him again, it gives us an opportunity to praise and thank God for His wisdom and helps me to know that the Lord heard my cries.

   I was met at the door by a very puzzled Autumn and her even more puzzled husband. They graciously allowed me to come in while they cleared the table and got a little one tucked in. I wasn't sure what to say but I wanted Autumn to know that she was part of a miracle, that God used her reluctant voice, and desire for obedience like a laser, sending a ray of His light into my dark world. I wanted to know what it was like to hear God so clearly, to fully realize that He was imparting a word to you, for someone else. It blew my mind. I didn't understand how she was not as freaked out about this as I was. Autumn had knowledge and understanding, that I did not have. Autumn had a heritage through her parents and family that gave a totally different level understanding.

There's more to that story, but another day perhaps.

   Why would I refer to Autumn as "prophet" (for the sake of a title) or better said, has the gift of prophecy as one of her spiritual gifts? Prophet is not someone wondering in a robe shouting nonsense at passerby's. Nor is it someone who is reading palms or giving psychic readings. It simply means someone who is discerning, who perceives the heart of God and speaks it, to edify the body. Now, here is where the taboo subject comes in. This is a lengthy theological discussion that I am neither qualified nor desirous of having. All I know is what God did in my life, and again, I'm still trying to understand that for myself.

Autumn and I continued on this way for months. She didn't want to know anything, I didn't want to have to tell her anything. But, time after time, even with days or weeks in between, we would exchange a text or email, and find we were studying the same thing, had the same Rhema word for that day. It was bizarre, fascinating and comical all at the same time. I remember, being so excited to call her about something the Lord had really showed me that day out of Daniel, and she was so excited to tell me what she had been praying about, from the same verses. It became so predictable, how God would use her, that on really difficult days or if something had happened, I fully expected to hear from her and I almost always did. Her spirit would be troubled for me, even if she didn't know or understand why. I knew that she and her family were praying for us all the time, and not just us, but everyone. She was always very measured and careful about what she said to me, she always brought it back to Scripture, she was always humbly checking herself and her own flesh. This is how iron sharpens iron. Not by taking up your offenses, or retaliating, not by giving you permission to speak or act recklessly. She became a steady compass, that I could trust to point me back to Jesus.

   It was this relationship that prompted me to call Autumn in July, from Dallas after our car wreck, asking if she could point me to wise counsel. And she did, she pointed me to Terese........the poet.

Not Just a Book

2012-04-11T09:51:00.000-05:00

Seeds of Hope

    Sorry Friends, I know it's been a while. We are getting settled into our new house, new church and city. I often struggle with the fact that there is so much I want to be doing, more ministry, more writing, reaching out.......but this just isn't that season. My season right now is raising precious "used to be toddlers," relishing these last few years, before school and life demand more of them. My season right now is to be a wife, a pastor's wife, and take every opportunity to explore this new and expanded territory we have been called to. So friends, my writing will be sporadic I'm afraid, until the Lord tells me to do any differently. But, I am carving out time for this one. I hope you think it a story worth sharing.
Blessings to you in your season, may it undoubtedly be scattered with seeds of hope.
Sara

   I have wanted for so long to share the story of Terese with you, and with many of you I have. In fact if you've received a gift from me in the last year, been struggling, lost someone.......perhaps better said, if you are someone who has blessed me or I have wanted to bless or encourage you in a profound way, I have either given you this book or shared with you, from this book. I have become somewhat of a nut about it. I order it by the case, right this minute I'm carrying 8 in my car, just waiting for the person the Lord leads me to encourage with it. And, anytime I give it out, I always want to share the full history behind it, which makes me seem even nuttier. I don't know why I feel like that's necessary........no, wait, I do. This book has such significance to me personally, and is so anointed, I want whomever I share it with to understand that it is not to be discarded or put on a shelf, and never opened again. It's to be read everyday, and then shared with whomever you encounter.......and then you become a nut who orders cases........and the circle of life is complete!

Enter sermonette.

In ministry, I often find myself wanting so badly to be the giver of good gifts....now when I say good gifts, I don't mean trinkets, or crafty things, not even expensive things. I want to give "gifts" that change someones day or heart, "gifts" that melt burdens or bring healing or much needed joy. I try to give "gifts" that others might hesitate with, and that's usually.....words. It seems so silly, but people often withhold the most desired gift of all, when they don't speak the things people are needing to hear from someone, needing someone to say aloud. I have found, and granted I may be way off base, but when I am really sincerely wanting to bless someone, it is usually through words...........praying over them out loud, extolling or exhorting, encouraging, speaking favor over someone, telling them what they mean to me - what they mean to God, acknowledging, appreciating..........call it whatever you want, but I don't just think it, I do it, I say it. And, I don't fake it. Nothing is worse than lying, insincere, flattering lips. The point of this is not to be flowery and make yourself look good, it's to bless someone, in the Spirit, in their spirit.

How do you do you do that? Pray about how the Lord sees them, pray about what the Lord would have you say to them, pray about wisdom to ease someones pain, or the words that the Lord would use to bring peace or hope to someone, and then say just those things!

This has not always been easy for me, but it's something I understand the value of and something I am willing to seem foolish and awkward doing, until I get better. This is something you practice, the easiest and safest place to practice it is in your prayer life, how you talk to God, who is worthy of every word. Practice it by looking for opportunities to bless someone, by looking for someone who needs a touch from the Lord and then humbly pray He would use you to be it. If you've ever been around someone who has this skill, you probably know it. In my life, there have been a handful of people who are so gifted, that I just treasure every encounter with them. They fully understand how much weight their words carry with me, and they use every one to minister to me. Whether teachers, speakers, preachers, authors or poets.............I am amazed by people who are gifted communicators, people who truly recognize that their words can bring life or depth to someone and are not shared to fill voids or exalt themselves. This is why I am amazed by Seeds of Hope.

   Why am I telling you this? Because, words are power. Words spoken or written, shared with the prompting of the Holy Spirit, are POWER. Lots of people are educated, smart, verbose and eloquent and yet, bless almost no one. But, someone who is a willing instrument for the Lord to bless people through them, through their gifts? Oh, my word! There are no limits, no boundaries that cannot be surpassed by one person operating under the anointing and motivation of the Holy Spirit. There is no number or measure to the lives God can touch through one person, with no agenda other than, "Lord, how can I serve you? Lord, how can I use my gifts to bring glory to you?" This is where part of my affection for Seeds of Hope comes from, not all, but part. I am in awe of a work that is produced purely by one person waking up everyday, for hundreds of days, and saying "Lord, I know someone, somewhere is going to need a word from you today. Someone I don't know and may never meet, will be hurting on this day or searching on this day, not searching for me - but you, Lord, and they will pick up this book.........what would you have me tell them?"

   How do I know this was how it was written? Because, I know the author and she is my friend, my mentor. And, now you know the "why," or actually the "who," of the why I love sharing about this book. As much as I love this book, and I do love this book.........the real treasure is it's author, Terese Holloway.    "Who shared it with me?" you cleverly ask?

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

But, what the heck? Risk it!! I'll tell you anyway!

      God did. God shared this experience with me. You see, in the middle of my journey, God graciously allowed my path to intersect with the paths of some of His most beautiful creations. God was working out a plan for months, years even, weaving the most brilliant tapestry- a tapestry woven through extraordinary circumstances and extraordinary people, including one former President (of the USA!!!! not a quilting club!) one world-famous bible-study teacher/author, two new life-long friends-a poet, and a prophet- a couple of dreams, one car wreck, one miracle, two full circle moments........... and my local grocery store.

Only God.

More to come.......

On the Road, Again....

2012-01-25T10:57:00.000-06:00

   There is a difference between moving from somewhere and leaving. I believe it is the same difference between being called to leave and not wanting to stay any longer, and it makes all the difference in the world. One is a change of location or job, the other is an act of obedience and falls under the the blessing and provision of the Holy Spirit. We'll spend more time on that another day.

   We were called to leave. And, we were also called to another specific place, not just anywhere but here. When you see God's leading so clearly, as we did, there is no second guessing, no wondering if this is the right choice or right place. It easy to move forward and not look back when you know the Lord is not just walking with you, but directing your steps.

   This is my absolute favorite part of the story! You just won't even believe the rest. If you were present during this part, give a shout out, so people know I'm not making it up. It's that unbelievable.

   Over the course of 2 months, it became very clear that God was leading us to Spring, Texas. I will spend more on how we knew that later, it is it's own miracle, too. I want to get you caught up to where we are today! Even though we had such certainty and clarity about making all the decisions to leave, each one still stung just a bit. Putting our house on the market was no different.

   The last year had been so chaotic and consuming that most of the detailing, decorating and organizing I wanted to do had been put on hold and was now doing, to get our house ready to sell. My mom, dad and I, or Andy and I, really tried to enjoy the days we spent getting things off our honey-do list, decluttering and perfecting things. It really was a precious time together. I bet I planted $300 dollars worth of mums. I told a friend I was a rage gardener, some run.....I mum. I didn't have to do it and I knew I couldn't take them with me, but it gave me joy during a difficult time and I smiled every time I drove up to our house, even with a "For Sale" sign in the yard.

   We almost never do business with people in our ministry area or church, period. We also knew this may be a difficult market and house, with it being so personalized. It could have been a potentially precarious situation for everyone. But we really felt like the Lord, was leading us to use some of our close friends/church members to list our house. Even though, it was as emotionally difficult for them to sell our house, as it was for us to leave it. There is something to be said about realtors who pray over your home, who use not just common sense but discernment, to help you make decisions. Thank you, Gary and Trudi Owen.
There is a price you can sell your home at in May, and a price you can sell at in November. There is a price you can sell at if you have nothing but time, there is a price for selling your house quickly. In that regard, we had nothing going for us. There were at least 6 houses around us that had been sitting there for months and even though we were probably going to lose money anyway, we couldn't afford to low ball ourselves. Andy and I prayed about it, the Owen's prayed about it, and we felt that if God was in this, He would show us favor and we priced our home at the very top of what was still fair. And, on the market it went.

   I remember sitting in a driveway across the street when the realtors toured our home and just bawling. It was a tough thing, to see people with no attachment or affection for what you were going through, parade through and objectively, professionally, assess your homes value. It was priceless to us. After one of the showings, I came back home and parked in front. A precious friend had texted me a bible verse earlier in the week and I hadn't had time to read it yet, but I was sitting in the car praying and could come up with nothing of comfort for myself. So, I got out my phone to look up the verse.
   As I sat in my car, in front of the house, with the sign and the mums, I read this: "Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it SPRINGS up; do you not see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19 Thank you, Jesus. Thanks, friend.

   We put our house on the market and then left to make our first trip to Spring. We showed it 8 times in 5 days and the first day of our trip to Houston, we had an offer......for asking price. When all was said and done, our house sold in less than a week for $2500 over asking price and we closed one month later, taking away just over $5,000.

FINDING THE NEXT HOUSE.......
   We knew we were going to Spring, maybe even before they knew if they wanted us. We knew the first day we visited, and the first time we met the pastor and staff, that this is where God was calling us. We began looking at houses on the internet, as our generation does, and it seemed like we could get a ton of house for the money. We saw 3500 square foot dream homes in the $150k range. It seemed like shooting fish in a barrel, just take your pick of one of a hundred great houses.
   But, when we got there and were in a position to feel comfortable looking, the list of possible choices grew smaller and smaller. To be in the right school district, close to the church, in our range and good for young families......that narrowed it way down. On our second trip, we went with a realtor to see some of the houses we thought were so great, as it turned out, they were not near as great, in person. With every house she showed us, we got further and further from church. There is a lot we were willing to give up, but being as close as possible to church, was not one of them. When Andy asked about wanting to see things closer, the realtor jokingly responded "Suck it Up! This is Houston." I know she was kidding, but it wasn't funny to us, and so we found ourselves, for the second time, breaking our rule about church members. We knew we were supposed to change realtor's and we knew we were supposed to change to one recommended by someone at the church. We were so discouraged after our first outing. The houses weren't just cosmetically bad, they had things you couldn't overcome, like being on busy streets, or bad schools, in neighborhoods with only older retired couples (not a bad thing, just hard to walk to a buddies house for the kids.) The morning before we met with the new realtor, we prayed that God would help us find our home. We had already seen God take care of every possible detail we could have imagined, and we knew He had a home for us....just show it to us Lord! Andy prayed specifically, that Amy (our divinely appointed realtor) would show us something new, something we hadn't seen before, on any websites or listings.

   After the first 3 or 4 houses, we were discouraged all over again, as the reality set in. We were never going to be in a house like we had. With each one we saw, Andy would point out what he would miss most about our last house. Which for him, was mostly tall ceilings! We had to pull ourselves together, we had to get over it and accept that we shouldn't make comparisons at all. I sat in the backseat with my sunglasses on, trying to hide the fact that I was crying. I was praying "Lord, we don't care where or what it looks like, just lead us to the house you want us to be in and we will buy it, no questions asked."
   Amy knew we were disappointed and as we headed back to the church, she suggested we make one last stop. "I know you're not interested in new construction after what you've been through, but this is close to the church and there are some houses this builder has in inventory, that are finished but not sold." At that point, we would have looked anywhere. We drove into nice neighborhood, that looked active and cheerful. The first inventory house we looked at was so much better than what we had seen before, but still not quite right. But, at least it was encouraging! We looked at a few more, talked to a sales rep.......he showed us a floor plan for one he thought might work, and it did, but they didn't have any available. As we all stood in one of the houses, and he looked over his papers, he began telling us that the floor plan we wanted was actually scheduled for a build and that it was available....but we would need to pick out everything.......not a problem!

   Friends, we are building, or have already built, I should say, our second brand new home!!!! We couldn't believe it, when Andy and I realized what the Lord was doing we just laughed and giggled. Seriously, Lord?!?! You would do this?!?! And, Yes He would!!! This was the most practical house budget wise, was 5 minutes from the church and closer than anything we had looked at before, this was in an amazing school district, with a brand new elementary school in walking distance, there were neighborhood pools and parks, soccer fields, walking trails, everything......and yes, very tall ceilings.
   When we started to do the paperwork, God continued to outdo Himself. Our house was the first sale of November, so that's $10,000 off. It is the last home of this subdivision, so that's $5,000 off. It was already supposed to have upgraded stone on the front, do you mind having that?!.....Um, no! This one also must have a covered back patio, you can't change it. Is that OK? It's supposed to have upgraded appliances, no cost to you, is that OK? YES!!!!!! Friends, we are basically building our last, beloved house......only bigger. We sent their design center our link to the MLS for our old "new" house and they basically recreated it for the "new, new" house!!!!!!!! I can't put enough exclamation points!!!!

When went down for Andy's first Sunday, we went to see the house. The first thing I noticed was the garage doors. They were not the ones I picked. They were the upgraded ones....that are awesome! The other thing that "wasn't right" was all of the can lights in the living room, which I love but didn't pick to keep our cost down. Andy and I were OK with the "flaws," thrilled in fact, but knew the right thing to do was tell someone, after all we hadn't paid for them. When we mentioned it to our sales rep, he informed us that some new things had taken affect January 1st. They were supposed to be for only new houses in the next unit, but since ours was still in progress, they included it. The upgraded awesome garage doors, aren't an upgrade anymore, they are standard. When you do the covered patio, it now comes with the upgraded lighting package. He hoped we didn't mind.................

The babies and I are loaded up, and in just a few minutes will get on the road to Spring, When we get there, we will drive to our new home for the homeowners demonstration and close on it Friday morning. It was completed in exactly 2 months. We didn't get to do the house blessing or write scriptures on the wall, but I believe, in fact I know, that the Holy Spirit has been encamped over the lot where our home was being built....for at least two months, and probably longer. He has surely left His mark on it and blessed it from the foundation to the roof. It is beautiful, and has tremendous curb appeal.......the stone looks amazing, and the yard is already done, with a tree ( a big deal in Lubbock!) But, all I see when I look at our new home, the House My Father has prepared for us........is the cross.

We just knew our home, in Spartanburg, would never be matched. We knew, when faced with insurmountable debt and medical bills, we would never even be homeowners again. And we absolutely knew, that we had built our one and only dream home, only to never own it and leave it exactly one year later. We knew we would never find a house in Houston.............but, somehow in all that, we forgot that we KNOW Jesus. We KNOW the maker of heaven and earth, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, Provider, Sustainer, Deliverer, Comforter and Friend.....the Real Joy Giver. And, He KNOWS us. And He KNOWS the plans HE has for us.

We took this picture of our family, late at night after we had spent the day being boxed up and cleaning the house, in preparation for closing, the next morning. Our last day in the house, with all the grandparents we were moving from, standing in front of us..........taking our picture. We smiled and said "cheese!" though we weren't necessarily happy, more tired and a little sad. Growing up, we moved a lot.Taking your picture with a sign declaring your next destination is a tradition on my side. As we stood in the empty house, trying to decide what to write, Andy and I knew what it should say. And, we needed our family, our friends and young children to see it and know that we believe it......

GOD IS GOOD.

Blessings,

Sara, Andy and the Babies

IN MY FATHER'S HOUSE........

2012-01-22T02:50:00.001-06:00

Pin It

I have told this story so far through houses, it has given me parameters to edit out parts that are unrelated and allowed me to spend considerable time on things, that seemed less significant when they occurred. But, I could tell this same story and tell it only through the passages of the Scripture that the Lord led us to this year or through the different and new people that God used to encourage and challenge us. Yes, friends, I could recount this exact story but tell it only through the theme of weather, strangely the weather, the endless drought and need for rain over the last year, parallels this story. But, the next most precious way I would tell it would be through songs, the songs that have ministered to me at different times of my life and for different reasons would tell a powerful tale.

I was listening to one such song today, "I Lift My Hands," from Chris Tomlin. "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, You are faithful God forever." It carries an entirely new meaning today, than it did before. I was pouring out very different things a few months ago and clinging to the belief that was God faithful, though I couldn't see how. I was lifting my hands weakly in surrender and now they are raised in praise. Only God.

Even in December, when our world came crashing down, we didn't actually consider we would be leaving our new home. In fact, it wasn't until July that I began to understand what God may be leading us to and someday I will tell you that story, it will be called "Wreckage."

If we had known, we would only be there a year, we would have done things quite differently. We would have built a house for resale, and as you can see, we did the exact opposite. Our home had our personality written all over it. Sweet Andy, who let me recreate exactly what I envisioned only had a few wants. It was so simple really. Andy objected to so little I wanted to do, for heaven's sake he let me take square feet from the living area to make a laundry room we could have lived in! When it came to the few things he really wanted, I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he got each and every one.Our house was custom, and custom to us meant raising every bless-ed cabinet, shelf and clothes rod to accommodate Andy. This was the first time Andy's shirts and pants didn't drag the ground, his shoes fit on the shelves and the shower didn't rain down at chest high. The shower was taller, the vanities taller and the doors...you guessed it, taller. This was a luxury for him, indeed. The contractor thought I was crazy when I gave my dimensions and flatly refused some things, until he saw Andy......and then he kindly walked us through the house making sure everything was the right height. And we loved it, Andy loved it.

The thought of moving and leaving Lubbock was something that it took months to even consider and even more months to realize may actually happen. The Lord does that on purpose, I think. He let us see manageable, digestible portions of His will, so we were not paralyzed or overwhelmed. He lead us gently and kindly toward His purpose, as a Good Shepherd does, and with each step patiently waited, until we were ready for Him to reveal more.

I told you earlier about when I realized what an extravagant gift our home was........ I wish I could tell you it was after deep prayer or meditation, but it wasn't. It was in the bathroom, the custom bathroom, as I sat in the tub. It was July, and I was beginning to understand that though we had prayed and believed for restoration, God was answering us in a different way. It had been washing over us for a few days and wasn't quite so raw anymore and I was sitting in the tub, looking at the tile. I was thinking how no one could possibly appreciate the trips made back and forth, the time spent putting those together, so it would be just so, for my man. No one would ever appreciate the time and love that went into every detail. And, then I thought to myself, how ironic it was that we never actually owned the house.

Did you catch that? Don't miss it, I was thinking how strange and funny that though it was indeed, our house- we built it and lived in it, after all.........we never owned it. Let me explain. The house, did in fact go over budget and past the completion date. Quite a bit, as it turned out. Most of that we paid out of pocket along the way, but as we approached closing in November, we wanted to roll closing costs into our loan. We were working with a local bank, with whom we had a good relationship, and they suggested keeping our interim construction loan until it matured just 3 months later, and then roll everything in. So that's what we did, we kept our interim construction loan until it reached a full year and then set a closing date. In the meantime, we paid only the interest.

Evidently, working with mortgages takes its toll on people. When March came around, our loan was being handled by it's third account manager. We set a date for closing, but closing never came. In the shuffling of people and papers, some of our file was missing. They were very apologetic and asked if we wouldn't mind extending our interim loan 3 months until a supervisor could go over it. And, on we march.....to June. In June, the bank president called and had heard we might be moving. He was very concerned for us and pointed out that we could be facing 2 closings, one to buy and one to sell. Selling after 1 year and having 2 closings, in this market, would destroy us financially. He prayed for us, gave us another extension and told us to let him know how else they could help. I had never met this man, but he knew my daddy. * See earlier notes on why living in Lubbock, Tx and being the daughter of my earthly father, is only a blessing.

Back to the tub....

    I have such a limited understanding of the things of God, it's embarrassing. But, I have a healthy enough fear and reverence for who He is, that I did not dare tell Him it was unfair. I have understood, for quite sometime, that I walk under an undeserved canopy of His grace and mercy, He is both shade and shelter. So, I will not shake my fist at Him, like an insolent child. I will not. But, I did confess, with my lips and tears, my broken heart, my grief over the house and all that leaving it meant. And, I think that's Ok, I believe He honors that pain. He knows when His children are wounded and He deals with us so tenderly when we tell Him how bad it hurts and ask for His comfort.

"Lord, I trust you but I don't understand. Help me understand."

As I was getting out, and now thinking and praying over these things, the reality that we may be leaving, the irony that we had built a home that was exactly as we wanted only to leave, not ever having owned the silly thing...."Lord, How does that happen? Why would you let us have it if we can't keep it? How could it have been "so us" and yet never really ours?" His response made me stand very still and hold my breath.

IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "Lord?" IT WAS NEVER YOURS TO KEEP. "How can that be, Lord? What was it then?" BORROWED. "Borrowed? Why let us do all this, for a house that was borrowed?" BECAUSE IT DELIGHTED YOU. "You let me design every inch, pick every single thing for a RENT house?" THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I COULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE ON 23RD, BUT I KNEW THE STEPS OF FAITH I WOULD ASK YOU TO TAKE THIS YEAR AND I WANTED YOU TO BE IN MY HOUSE, WHEN I ASKED.

   It came over me like a flood and I understood it all and it all overwhelmed me. We started building this house 9 months before we ever moved in and had a few months of planning, before we ever started. The Lord knew even then and began making preparations for us. None of this was careless or haphazard. The Lord knew this season was coming long before I ever did and orchestrated all of these things so that when it came, we would be in THE HOUSE, My Father prepared for us. He just let me decorate it.

   As I stood there, in the bathroom, looking into our bedroom, He brought to mind the floor in front of me. I was looking at the carpet where twice before I had laid on my face before Him. I would love to tell you that I am such a prayer warrior and so deep, that I often pray laying on the ground. I have done some kneeling, lots of standing, lots of sitting....but only three times in my life have I gotten on my face in prayer. Once, 2 years earlier, in the house on 23rd, I was faced with losing my life and leaving my precious husband and babies with no mama. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I remember having to move furniture to make room and vacuum before I lay down.
   The second time, was in the new house, in February. I laid down in that spot and cried out to God for His intervention and restoration. The third time, was a couple days earlier when I realized we were being called to leave. I cried out to God for wisdom and the strength to trust Him. I felt the Holy spirit showing me, "SEE, I KNEW WHAT YOU NEEDED." Now, I didn't "need" new carpet so I would put my face on it, but that's what makes it so extravagant. I didn't need any of it, but He did it just for me, just because.

   He reminded me that THE HOUSE, He prepared, was prepared for the many Godly men and women, who would come to meet us, the pastors from our city and around the state who came offering encouragement, counsel and prayer. In THE HOUSE, I could be gracious and hospitable. It was prepared for our family, friends and fellow staff, who could come to relax and fellowship. It was prepared with a place in the kitchen, where I could spread out my Bible and books and seek Him, in the morning. It was the perfect spot for me, because He let me measure and remeasure it a hundred times.

   If God would have let us build our dream home and that was the end of the story, it would have been enough. But, the fact that He let us build our dream home, purely to delight us and make the 1 year we rented it at half price, more enjoyable and comfortable.....to meet the unique needs we had last year, to allow a season of teaching and testing to be done in such a beautiful home? I told you THE HOUSE, was a gift so extravagant, and by definition it was. Extravagant means: Exceeding the limits of reason or necessity. Lacking in moderation, balance, and restraint. And, isn't He?

That night I dried off, got dressed and got my cleaning stuff out. I began with the tile in the bathroom....and a toothbrush, and began getting it ready to sell. What a special priviledge, what an honor, to prepare this house for whom it was intended.

Getting Floored

2012-01-21T18:48:00.000-06:00

   Our house turned out to be better than we could have imagined. But, it wasn't entirely smooth sailing. We had agreed upon a budget and then adjusted accordingly to stay within it. If the cost of something was going to affect our bottom line, we either did without or paid out of pocket.

   One of the instances where we needed to make such a decision was on the floors. We knew we would be in the house forever and it would be easier to get the floors we wanted now as opposed to later. So, with toddlers, we splurged on wood and a good carpet in the living area. Funny thing about that was you pay up front, in full, to have it put back for later. There was just no way we could do that. No credit cards, remember?

We shopped around and found what really were the most practical choices, awesome, but practical. But, without the money, couldn't afford to reserve it. A day or two later, I got a notice in the mail from Spartanburg District 7. I hadn't been a teacher for District 7 since May 1st of 2007, and this was now July of 2010. Teacher's retirement was notifying me that I had an unknown amount in my account and if not returning to teach, could withdraw it, with a penalty. I knew it couldn't be much, I had only taught in SC for one year and that year had ended abruptly when Emerson came early. I called anyway, just to see.
   I spoke with a very nice woman who informed me that I had a little over $3000 in my retirement fund, plus a bonus for being in a high risk job and not filing any injury claims. (For those new in the audience, I taught in a self-contained unit for emotionally disturbed youth.) I didn't even know that was a real thing! In 3 years, I had never heard a word about it. Between not completing the school year and Emerson's health insurance, I had interacted with the district quite a bit in between and never knew about this money. Within the week, I received a "thank you for your service" letter and my check for just under $4000. Minus $38, my penalty for withdrawing it early.

Killer floors provided by the great state of South Carolina.

God did things just like that throughout the building of the house. Every time it seemed like this could be a disaster or was taking way too long, God would come through in some way that said, "Hang in there, this is exactly what you're supposed to be doing. I'm going to see it through, just trust me."

And He did......so we did. We were supposed to move in, in July. We moved in early November, 2 weeks before Berk's 2nd birthday and 3 weeks before our Christmas program. Remember that small window before our busy season? This wasn't it, lots went out that window. But, that's a story for a different time.

Heck, Yes Zebra!

The house was beautiful and we loved it. I loved it. I really did. We had Pumpkin's birthday party, had the Christmas program and exactly five days later our season in the wilderness began. Not everyone can go back and give a specific date for such a season, but I can. December 13th. I know the day, the event and almost the hour that our whole world was turned upside down and shaken. And it was one month after we moved in.

The Building of The House

2012-01-21T10:30:00.000-06:00

*Disclaimer- We are gonna build the house and leave the house, so you hear the best part sooner, then go back to talk about living in the house. This makes sense in my head.

When Andy and I came to Lubbock, there was a standing offer from a builder in our church. He would build a custom home at cost for any of the pastors on staff. We had been there 2 1/2 years and hadn't really felt led to take him up on this generous offer. After things settled down with Berkley and our finances, we began looking at houses. We wanted to be close to the church, in a good school district and we wanted to be able to entertain in our home. We spent several weeks looking, but continually came back to the builder.

Please understand, there were a number of reasons that we were cautious and hesitant about building a house. It was not at all a case of us dying to do this or refusing other options. It was never something we were cavalier about. There's a lot of gray area in building a house. If you have ever done this before, you know it's easy to go over budget and easy to take longer than you anticipated. In fact, I would say it's normal if you do both. But we are not normal people...no snickering. We didn't have a flexible budget that gave us latitude and we really had a short window between our busy seasons that would work to move. From the beginning, everything in the natural made us want to wait and find something else. But, our spirits kept drawing us towards building. We weren't sure why we felt like the Lord was leading us to do this, but we did feel certain He was. So we began praying, we prayed for protection through the process, wisdom in decision making, and that finances would come available as needed. And, in March we broke ground on THE HOUSE.

As soon as it was framed, we had our family and both sets of grandparents come to the house and we had a house blessing. This does not involve incense or holy water. Each of us had spent several days praying about what Bible verses we felt the Lord leading us to and then we showed up with babies, blankets, Bibles and Sharpies....lots of Sharpies.

We went room by room and prayed in agreement over every specific area. We prayed for each of the kids rooms by name, asking for protection, wisdom and joy as we parent them. We prayed for their tender little hearts, as this would be the room they would learn about Christ, say bedtime prayers and one day ask Him into their hearts. And then we each wrote our chosen Scriptures.

And, then we prayed in the Name of Jesus, by the blood of Jesus that the Enemy be bound from our children, our marriage and our home. Because we have just enough Holy Ghost in us! Ha-laaaay-loooooo!

There is no magic in what we did. It's not any kind of enchantment or spell. It's way more powerful than that. What we, did as a family, was acknowledge that everything we have comes from God. Our children, our marriage, our resources and yes, our new home was a direct result of His grace and provision. And because He has blessed us, we were committing to keeping our covenant with Him, in how we preserve each of these areas. Andy and I are very easy going and spontaneous people, but we are intentional and deliberate about things that are important. We were intentional about building the house. We didn't know how important this house would be, but we knew it was important and we knew we needed God in it. We wanted God's Name and Word in the foundation we built on, on the beams that would support our earthly covering, on the walls and in the halls, on the doors that we would pass through.....in and out of our sanctuary, in and out of our mission field.

Thoughtfulness went into every phase of the house. Even the lot was not an accident. The only lot the builder had available when we decided to build was less than half a mile and directly in front of the church with nothing separating us but a field and a dirt road. We could walk out our front door and to the South, see our church, completely unobstructed. In the coming months, I often found myself standing in the yard, looking towards the church.

This verse, Hebrews 13:15 will be significant later.

    Anyone who has a home, whether they built it or not, has a tremendous sense of ownership and affection for their home. And, it was no different for us......Maybe a little different.....perhaps a tad.

   My first career was as an interior designer. I spent years planning and designing other peoples homes and I thoroughly enjoyed it. But, as I'm sure you can imagine, there is some level of frustration when you are always creating someone else's vision. It's still fun, but with every project you find yourself spending as much time thinking about what you would have done, if it were yours.

   Don't get me wrong, I got to fix up whatever house we were in, however I wanted to. (Thank you, honey!) But, building your own home from the dirt up, is every designer's dream job. In my case, outlandishly unrealistic fantasy job. People in ministry don't build new houses. At least, not very often. Perhaps better said, people in ministry don't go into ministry with this on their short list of objectives.

   Our builder gave us lots of freedom and opportunity to make choices and I took full advantage of every one. I got to pick out every light, every mirror and every knob. And not out of a set choice list or predetermined options. If I could find it reasonably, I could use it. It was the most fun I'd ever had! And it wasn't just picking out stuff either, I got to design every inch of every room. Inches, people! My favorite thing in my former, glamorous (Ha!) life was kitchen design. I spent weeks drawing elevations of cabinets, squeezing every inch out of every foot. I spent countless hours walking out traffic patterns and testing better heights and widths. I'm sure Andy thought I was a lunatic, as soon as he would come home I would start laying out wrinkled sheets of graph paper, taped together, with bits of fruit or smudgy finger prints all over them. And I would give him my "pitch" of why this one must go here or there or how ridiculous kitchens designed by men were...neanderthals. He would just smile and say "Great." "I love it." I knew he was just as excited as I was and didn't have the words to express it....enter winking emoticon here. Y'all by the time it was time to actually cut a piece of wood for a cabinet, I had done an entire virtual model of the kitchen using nothing but eyeshadow and the Crayola 48 as my palette! I was a nut! It was so gratifying and so fun. I enjoyed the whole process, hang ups and all.

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Overwhelmed

2012-01-20T23:46:00.000-06:00

   Let me briefly interrupt our story, to tell you how completely humbled and overwhelmed I am at how God is using this. I simply wasn't prepared and now feel grossly inadequate. We are in this unique window of time, having left the church we were serving in December and beginning our new one in January......I don't move until next week and Andy is already there. I don't really have anything to do while I wait except play Strawberry Shortcake and pretend to be the lesser known Jedi, Mom-wow-loon (Emerson's choosing.) So I thought I would start my blog again and share the parts worth sharing from the last year.
   But, I couldn't have imagined how it has impacted me. I put my first blog, in seven months, on the wall 10 days ago. There have been just under 2000 views. I only know who you are by your comments, messages or likes on FB, I only see numbers on the blog. I have received such encouragement from so many friends either through the blog or on FB and I am so sincerely appreciative. But yesterday, I began hearing from your friends, some are co-workers or go to church with you, some are family or connected to you in some other way. Some are anonymous and I don't know them at all and maybe you don't either. It stunned me. It immediately made me want to choose my words more carefully, not for the sake of grammar, but really, choose my words more carefully.
   It made me want to make sure I was telling you the right thing, in the right way and for the right reasons. But, I'm not a pastor or a speaker....and when I try to think about what you, whomever you are, needs to hear or what would encourage you most, I draw a blank. I got nothin'. I really would like to share something surprisingly mature or insightful....but I say things like "I got nothin'." And it's not a typo, I mean exactly that. I think freakin is an acceptable adverb. I have no understanding of comma usage, I use dots........... excessively and write "yeah" when I mean "yea." I refer to my eldest born as Toad and my youngest as Pumpkin Patch and don't know why. I'm not quite sure how to compensate for all that or who I am. I've spent the last day and a half trying to think of something to say that is somehow more worthy of your time than stories about houses I've lived in.
   I'm so honored that you are here, so deeply, deeply honored. But, all I can do is tell you what the Lord is doing in our lives. If I limited my posts to "deep thoughts" or what I think about such and such or our daily activities, it would get old very quickly, and it still may. I am not an "interesting" person, I don't mean that in a pathetic or pitiful way, I wouldn't necessarily say I'm boring either. I think of those commercials with "the Most Interesting Man Alive," and his sage advice for precarious situations, in exotic places. I've traveled more in the last 3 months than in the last 5 years and never even left Texas. Right this minute, I have in my purse, one single black trouser sock that Toad wears at meals because he thinks it makes him look like Anakin, post cut off hand....loose M&M's, 'cause we are potty training Berky and a new 2012 calendar with 3 important dates penciled in......that's right, 3 and they are all next week. But, what God is doing is the exciting part, it is the Salt and interest of anything that has ever or will ever happen in my life....and yours too. And I will gladly tell you about it, if you will graciously let me.
   Please pardon my punctuation or lack there of. Pardon my wandering train of thought, it so often gets derailed. I am working towards a point, but it's not always chronological, or apparent for that matter. And, please pardon my illustrations, they are often about the mundane. This is often how my understanding of the Lord is....... I frequently miss the emphasis, chase after Him down meandering roads, after I missed the turn and end up in places I didn't dream I would be. And, there He is, waiting....on me....and on you.

Thank you again, I am richly blessed by your presence.
Sara

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU........................................

Financial Peace

2012-01-19T01:35:00.000-06:00

   The next part of our story goes in a bit of a different direction, but is integral to seeing the complete picture of "THE HOUSES." If I was writing a book, this would be the chapter where tithing and giving are the mega-themes and it would be called Financial Peace.

   After Berkley was born and we settled back into our life, the next devastating season began shortly thereafter.....as the medical bills started rolling in. Berkley was born at 28 weeks, spent months in the NICU, weeks in an isolated critical care room and at 6 months old had acquired a serious amount of debt for such a tiny thing. Not to mention that I had been in ICU for a week, had blood and labs drawn round the clock and sometimes every two hours when I was at my worst. The night Berky was born, I was about 20 minutes away from having a pacemaker put in, so there was a stream of cardiologists and other specialized Dr's coming in and out. Between Berkley and I, we had $516,000 in medical expenses.......after insurance.

   Whatever was supposed to be filed when we started our job in Lubbock wasn't filed or wasn't found. Either way we had minimal medical coverage. During my pregnancy, I thought we were working towards paying a $2000 deductible and we were actually plowing through a $2000 maximum and had no idea. It took several weeks for things to be filed with insurance and there were multiple departments and doctors doing separate bills, so oblivious to the disaster headed towards us, we began making our payments as we received bills. It wasn't until 2 or 3 months later that we started getting the ones for $35,000.....$60,000....$225,000. I remember one afternoon the phone rang and an automated "courtesy" recording was on the other end. I laughed out loud when I heard the recording announce to me in fragmented speech, "Good afternoon....you owe $74,000....dollars.....would you...like to pay.....over the phone?" Ha! Would I like to pay over the phone?! Sure!!! Let me just get my credit card, or better yet, cash!!

   I spent hours a day, for weeks and months, trying to get to the bottom of where things went wrong. And my sweet dad probably doubled that. At the time, he was our church's associate pastor. Even though the errors had occurred long before he was there, as a dad, as the administrator, as a pastor....he was just sick. Physically, sick. Everyone was. I had never known before the absolute consuming burden that accompanies debt and financial stress. But, I knew it now.

   As the spouse who handled our finances, I was hearing in person, every day, how impossible our situation was. It wasn't the hospitals fault. Our insurance company certainly wasn't going to admit fault that cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars. We didn't qualify for financial assistance of any kind from anywhere. There was no solution. Andy and I felt very strongly that we wanted and needed to continue to pay medical bills. Berkley and I had received extraordinary care by an amazing hospital system and they all deserved to be paid, everyone of them. But, we also found out that even though we were paying bills monthly, the hospital as a whole doesn't handle payment plans.....they all go to collections and you work out your financing with them. The only way to not go to collections was to pay balances in full, an impossibility for us. There was no way to avoid destroying our credit. We could spend literally our entire lives paying down these bills and never pay them off. We could spend literally our entire lives paying this debt only to pass the remainder on to our adult children.
   I used to wonder how people found themselves declaring bankruptcy. How do you get yourself in a situation where bankruptcy is even a consideration, much less a necessity? And, now I knew. Medical debt. At least, that's how we found ourselves there. I never dreamed we would be in this position. As believers, as pastors, finances are something you guard and protect. Andy and I didn't have credit cards, didn't spend recklessly or lavishly, we drove cars that were paid off....we, up until this point, had succeeded in being pretty fair stewards of our money. You see we, like many others, understand that it's all His anyway.

Let me interject my little sermonette here.

   There are two ways we can feel about our finances. The first........Our salary comes directly from the faithfulness and obedience of you, the church, or you, the church, that tithes anyway. Our salary comes from tithes. So, thank you. Sincerely, thank you. This is simplified of course, but true to a degree. There's no grants or endowments that fund us......no corporation that supports us. It's the church and the people in it. The obedience of others allows pastors, ministers, missionaries, lay people, Sunday school teachers, volunteers, etc to share the love of Christ and the good news of the Gospel. That's no small thing. It's a miracle, in fact! It's a miracle that God can take coins from a child in Texas and use them to bring salvation to a child in Guatemala or Africa. It's a miracle that God can take my purposed offering and bless Israel and then bless me! That's amazing, there is no formula or accounting principle for how God can multiply and bless the fruit of a generous heart. So with that said......What kind of example would we be, if our lives and spending were out of control? How could we talk about being good stewards if we ourselves were not? How could we talk about tithing if we do not? The church and its leaders should annoy themselves with how above and beyond they go, to have integrity in finances and make wise decisions with their resources. I do not believe they will walk in favor when they don't. We feel the same about our personal finances as well.
   Taking it a step further, having our financial house in order protects our marriage. This is a potentially huge area of strife and tension in any relationship. But, when you bring your finances (like all else), under the authority of Scripture, God blesses, honors and protects it. Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because, I want you to see how seriously we have taken making stewardship a priority, so you can also see how completely devastating it was for us to have this area annihilated.

Here, is the other way we feel about our finances. And, this is the part that I get most excited about! Our salary and resources come from God, and God alone. And while we want to be mindful of our name and reputation, as it concerns our lives and ministry, it's our standing with God that is the primary force behind all we do. We've almost never had a church member ask about our finances. But the Lord need not ask, He already knows. The Lord knows the things we think we hide from others, He sees our pride and greed, the things we hold so tightly in our closed fist.
   There is no pretending with God, It is He who made us and He who sanctifies us. It is because of God, that we try to keep our house in order, our hearts in order. It is because we want to be a part of the amazing things that God alone can do. Do you understand that........God lets us do things in cooperation with Him, because it blesses and benefits us? Though He could do infinitely more, infinitely faster on His own, He lets us come along side His will and give our resources and energy, our prayers and gifts, our offering and tithe and He takes what is in our humble hands and uses it, to bless us, bless others and make His glory and presence known.

   God doesn't need your money to operate, but He wants that part of YOUR heart and mind that thinks YOU need it to operate. He wants us to trust Him with meeting our needs, He is our supply and our Provider. But, we hinder Him when we are trying to be the source that He already is.

   So, you can give out of obedience. That's fine. You can give because it seems like something "good people" should do. Those are both great, but still miss the point. Give because it's exciting! Give because every time you do, it's an act of worship and thanksgiving! Give because it puts you in just the right place to test God and see His consistent faithfulness. Give because it releases God's power and authority over every need you could ever have. Give because it gives you a testimony that is unbelievable and an honor to share. Give because He protects the things He has dominion over.

So where did that leave us? Why is this part of the story of houses?

   We were in agony, for almost an entire year. We had made every phone call, written every letter possible, made every appeal and could do nothing to help ourselves. We prayed over it every day, several times a day. "Lord, Help us!" I truly had no idea how stressed money could make me. I was a wreck. I worried about it all day, every day. We had gone from good shape to obliterated in a matter of months. And in my head and in my heart, the part that made me the most deeply saddened, the part that broke my heart to think about, was a recurring fear. The fear that consumed me, was that we would never be able to own a house ever again. We would never get out of my sad little rent house, we would never be homeowners. I know it sounds materialistic, and it probably is, but I knew the Lord would meet our needs, I wasn't worried about food or clothes, things we actually needed. But, this wasn't a need, it was a want, having a different home was my want. We didn't need a better house or a bigger house, where we were was plenty good and we had made it nice. I didn't want to be selfish or greedy or pouty. But, in my prayers and in my tears I begged God to let me leave that house. I begged God to somehow "fix" things so I could raise my babies somewhere else. "Save us from ruin, Lord. Save us from all the things this would mean for our future and our children."

   For months, my dad went to the business office at the hospital several times a week. He spoke to every possible person, followed every suggestion. We went as far as you could possibly go with our insurance provider, including a conference call with the president who basically implied that insurance wasn't really designed with preemies in mind. At almost a year, we had come to a place where we either needed to declare bankruptcy or ask for help. Bankruptcy would protect future income and at some point years later, we could rebuild our credit. Many wise people encouraged us to do just that. We just could not get there. We wanted to pay as much as we could, it was partially a pride issue, and one the Lord was dealing with us about. We didn't want to call in favors or ask our church for help. In an idealistic way, we felt like that would somehow compromise our ability to serve out of a pure heart. It seems silly, but we didn't want there to be any question about our heart. We wanted to be able to give and serve out of heart that was called and thankful, and not because we were paying something back. It made sense at the time! Either way, we had to make a decision. We didn't feel a peace about any of our choices and committed to continue praying about it for the remainder of the week.
My dad knew and had spoken with every single person who could have helped us. But, that week he was making visits and thought he would stop in one last time. He went to the office, spoke to the same secretary as every time before. She said nothing had changed, they still couldn't offer any assistance...but have you talked to "so and so?" In a year, dad had never heard her name mentioned before but after a few phone calls, was able to speak briefly with this woman. He explained our situation and that we were at a point where we needed to make some decisions and at least wanted to confirm the total amount of debt. When she accessed their network she kept getting different totals, so she said she would get back with him later and give him a final number.

   That evening, she called to say that she had thought about it and reread the notes. It seemed our situation was "catastrophic" and no fault of our own. If we could pay one bill in particular, that couldn't be grouped with the others, they would write off the remainder, including some of what was still pending insurance filing. In one afternoon, in the span of a few hours, we had at a minimum of $516,000 and as much as $800,000 in debt cancelled. My dad went to her office immediately and wrote a check for several thousand dollars out of his own pocket, before he even told us what had happened.

   He and mom called us to come to their house. When we got there, his face was red and wet with tears. He could hardly speak except to tell us "It's done. It's all over. God has answered our prayers." As the story of his encounter unfolded, we wept in amazement and relief. I wept for days, I just couldn't get over the magnitude of what the Lord had done for us, I found myself overwhelmed a lot. It was a pivotal moment in my walk with the Lord, it changed forever my ability to trust Him, with even the impossible.

That experience prepared us for the next time we would need to release an impossible situation to the Lord. It made us more willing to recognize our helpless state, more able to wait on His promises, more able to give things up and give them up gladly.

And now, friends, we arrive at The House.

Little House on the Prairie

2012-01-15T22:04:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot about the house between houses. To be honest, I didn't think it was worth mentioning, inconsequential as it was. But, the more I thought about it, this little house had it's own purpose and season.

You have to admit, though, it looks sad even in the picture. Completely unintentional, but it does seem a little dramatic right?!

When we landed in Lubbock, we landed at my old college rent house. Not a coincidence, it was recently vacated. It was such a blessing to have somewhere to live, no strings attached, until we found a permanent house. But, there were strings attached. In fact, there was a lot attached, not just strings.

If you know my testimony at all, you know college was a difficult season for me. A season of tremendous growth, but also the painful pruning that preceded it. This house, though a blessing indeed, was also the burial ground of the old me. To me, it was a constant reminder of stupid decisions, lost scholarships, failed classes, failed friendships, wasted time and opportunity.....this was the house where every disappointment I had in myself lived........and now I was moving back in with it.

When God got a hold of me in college, I sold out completely and literally walked away from the life I had. I left jobs, friends, degree plans...... I changed schools, I changed majors, I changed addresses and never once went back. I lived in town 3 or 4 more years and never had the desire to even drive by my old house. I clung to these verses:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17.

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelations 21:5.

And I really was a new creation! His words ARE trustworthy and true! It wasn't pretending or being a hypocrite, it wasn't hiding anything. I was finally walking in the freedom and grace, we were all meant to, and it gave me clarity, confidence, hope and a future. And that's the part I wanted to see and celebrate everyday. It's part of my testimony, or more accurately God's testimony in me, and I have no problem sharing with young people all of the highly effective ways I learned to not succeed in college. But, God has done so much more since then. It makes me sad when I hear someone share their testimony and the only thing that comes to mind is their salvation experience as a youngster. Yes, it's important, vitally important. But that's not where His work was faithfully completed, it's just where it began. A yielded spirit should be able to testify to so much more.

And yet somehow, God's mysterious ways led me back to where I started. And this time, I brought Andy, Emerson and soon to be Berkley. Now, none of this history necessarily interfered with daily living. I don't know that I've even really shared how I felt about it with anyone, except Andy. We still made precious memories and had good times there, I just wasn't very motivated to get to comfortable or settle in there. I needed it to be temporary and it was...for 3 years.

And, wouldn't you know that when it mattered most, we couldn't have been in a better place when Berkley was born. One of things that made our little house so inconvenient was that it was entirely across town from the church, grandparents, etc. It was too far to have a home group there and too far to go back and forth very much, with babies and naps.

But, it was at the most a mile and half from the NICU. The only way I could have lived closer to Berky for the 3 months she was in the NICU was if I had lived in a trailer in the parking lot, as so, so many did.

That little house made it possible for me to get things done at the house, spend time with Emerson, be available for Andy or church and still go see that sweet thing whenever I wanted.

Thank you, thank you Jesus for that sweet little house on 23rd. Thank you for providing it so we could come to Lubbock seamlessly. Thank you for the precious two 1st birthdays, one 2nd birthday and one 3rd birthday around a cramped little table. Thank you for the rooms filled with crashing drums or the beeps of Berky's heart monitor, that you could hear no matter where you were. Thank you for meeting the needs of our growing family in giving us this house.....and the next.

The House

2012-01-14T22:36:00.000-06:00

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When we realized we might be moving from Lubbock, many people's first response was "What about your house?" or "Oh no, your house!" Why the shock or sympathetic horror? Because 'THE HOUSE" was never just "a house" and it has a story all it's own.

I would love to write a story book of all the things God does, but I get overwhelmed when I try to think of how to start. Do I write chronologically or group them by theme? Do I start with the major story and then follow the thread to completion before I start another? You see, with God, it's "all connected." ( This is a nod to one of our beloved former pastors, Mike Hamlet.) It's so true. It's ALL connected. This is my favorite part of walking with the Lord and studying scripture. You can peel back layer upon layer and find new, fresh and relevant meaning every time.

I suppose you could view your life as independent separate experiences, but I think it would be depressing. If the trials had no meaning or the seasons of joy hadn't been built on those trials? Truly, depressing. I much prefer the "God did this, so then this, which opened the door to that, then God led us to this, so we would learn this, and finally, God was exalted in all of it" approach. Each chapter would have overlapping categories and themes, lessons learned...lessons repeated. With God's hand skillfully weaving individual threads into a complete and amazing story, a story that begins and ends in Him.

The story of the house or houses, as it were, would fall under, protection, faithfulness, God's timing, tithing and giving, and for sure miracles. But, when I think about the story of "THE HOUSE," my heart just melts and I immediately think of the good gifts a Father gives His children. This kind of gift is so extravagant and so unnecessary, but it's not given to manipulate or coerce affection. It's the very desire of your heart, that you never dare speak aloud, given purely to delight you and demonstrate His love. In this story, and in my heart, 'THE HOUSE" is one such gift. And, while others may have enjoyed it and others now own it, it was given to me. My Father gave it to me. I am humbled and overwhelmed even now to think about it.

My Father gave me this gift in particular, to show me several things. It showed me that God knows me in a personal and intimate way and is not "out there" or distant. It showed me that even though God does sometimes work in broad, general ways for the good of everyone, He also does the one thing for the one person, that matters and benefits no one else...unless you're the one person. It showed me that God's plan for the last year was put in motion long ago, this was so comforting to me because it meant that not a moment of it was wasted. It helped me to see everything in a coordinated timeline, with a planned and purposed beginning, a masterfully executed and prepared for ending....and no accidents in between. Not a single day or a single prayer was superfluous. Every disappointment, every dose of reality, every blessing was necessary to propel me closer to now. Closer to Him.

To appreciate "THE HOUSE," you must first understand all that was before it. I think most believers, and especially people in ministry, will tell you that when God is in it, it just works out. Our circumstances have never adhered to practical logic or predictability, not in any area. Our romance and wedding was out of a movie, our 2 preemies, my health, Andy's talent, our finances....all of it has defied even resembling normalcy, but bowed without resistance to God's touch. Especially, in regards to houses. I'm not sure why, though I have a pretty good idea, but this is an area God has protected and blessed us in. Still does.

And so it begins....on Pinelake Court.

This was our first house, in Spartanburg, SC. It's probably not funny to anyone else, but it only just now occurred to me the two houses kind of resemble each other.

When we moved to SC, I desperately wanted to buy a house in the only historic district in the city and renovate. We tried and tried, and either deals would fall through, roadblocks would come up, blemishes would reveal themselves.....we just could not make it happen.

I was so discouraged. I kept telling Andy, "This is the perfect time of our lives for a project. It's just the two of us, we have two incomes...we won't want do this in 10 years." There were a limited number of house in that area and we had explored every one to no end. A few days later, we found Pinelake Court. We loved it immediately. There was a pond in the back, azaleas, hydrangeas, dogwoods. Coming from West Texas, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We purchased Pinelake way under value from siblings who were feuding after their parents death. It seemed they enjoyed using the house to torment each other and kept lowering the price to gouge the others profit. They agreed on nothing, except us. As it turns out, their mother's father had been a music minister and though they snarled and hissed at each other, they both smiled sentimentally and agreed, Mother would have loved knowing there was music in the house.

That brother and sister walked away from closing with $600 split between them and their realtor. Two days before we closed on Pinelake Court, we found out I was pregnant. We had no idea at the time, but God had protected us in unbelievable ways.

We could have never known that my school year would end early, my pregnancy would end early, all the energy I had would be gone from high blood pressure and HELLP Syndrome. I spent the weeks and months I thought I should have been rehabbing fighting for my life, trying to regain my health, visiting a baby in NICU for months.

If we had bought the house I thought we needed, our finances would have been devastated. We could have lost everything trying to get out of it, unable to do the work ourselves.

We moved into Pinelake Court right before Christmas 2006. We had everything we owned unloaded into the front living room and we locked the door and drove to Charlotte to catch a flight home. We were newlyweds, in a great city, in a great house, at a great church and expecting our first child. It was pure bliss.

After we had such a scare with Emerson, we wanted to be closer to family or at least more accessible. We began praying about where God would lead us next. It was mid 2007 and the housing market was beginning to stall. We should have taken a hit on a house we'd only been in a year, the house should have sat on the market....But God. Pinelake Court never went on the market. We sold it to our Sunday school teachers, whose family we still dearly love, at a fair asking price and we prayed together with them and an attorney from church at closing.

We were so excited when we found out we would be coming to Lubbock. There was not a single negative about coming to Lubbock, except the house. I don't know how many times Andy and I would laugh and sigh while we looked at apartments and houses, "We'll never have a house like Pinelake." We must have said it a hundred times over the next year. We had accepted the reality that the greatest and best house we would ever own was gone after only a year. We still had pictures in our phones and we would show people our backyard, with the pond and trees.....and then we would all have a good laugh, because there ain't nothin' like that in Lubbock.

Enter.....THE HOUSE.

I Thought Happiness was Lubbock, Texas......

2012-01-12T03:47:00.000-06:00

To understand the fullness and completeness of what God has brought us through and to, you have to go back to the beginning. And that, is Lubbock, Texas.

Lubbock, Texas.....one man's middle of nowhere, one man's paradise. One man's road passing through, one man's road home. I could go on and on......One man's wide open spaces and big sky, another man's nothin' but nothing......nowhere.....for miles....for days......

I was born in Lubbock and lived here until I was 5, moved all around and came back "home" after high school graduation. I left DFW at 17 and knew I would never go back. I couldn't tell you why or how, but I knew Lubbock was where I was supposed to be. Even though I hadn't visited there in 12 years, didn't know a single person there, had no family there, and wasn't sure what I'd do once I got there, off I went.

I wish I could tell you that I knew immediately why God called me to West Texas, but I didn't. I wouldn't figure out why I was there until a couple of years later. As, it turns out....my parents retired to Lubbock, I learned about life in Lubbock, I committed my life to Christ in Lubbock and was called to ministry there. I met the absolute man of my dreams and future husband at First Baptist Lubbock, where we dated and later married. A few years later, we brought our new baby, Emerson, home to live in Lubbock at 6 months old. We began a new ministry, had sweet Berkley, made life long friends and built our dream home....in Lubbock.

This wasn't necessarily our plan from the beginning, it's just how it happened....as it often does with God. Andy and I knew, when we married, we would move away and likely never return. It's hard to have a hometown in ministry. God took us to Austin and Spartanburg and just blessed us to death with great memories, the nicest, most loving people and an abundance of priceless experience. After Emerson was born, we began praying God would move us closer to family. We thought we'd make it as far as Atlanta, or maybe even Dallas. But, we never dreamed in a million years we'd come back to Lubbock. There's a lot we never dreamed.

We have had the precious and unique opportunity to share the last 4 years with the overwhelming support, encouragement and friendship of both mine and Andy's parents in the same town. Now "Not everyone gets to do that, in fact most don't do that," you say. I know. Believe me, I know. I have also known everyday of 4 years how richly we were blessed to be in that small percentage who do. It's been heaven. We could have never done what we did in a new church without our family and friends. We could have never moved into my old college rent house while we got on our feet, never started a worship ministry from nothing, never survived Berk being in NICU 3 months with a toddler at home, never survived the last year. Had it not been for family and friends....and Lubbock.

You see, being in Lubbock means free babysitting, friends we had known since 17, for me, and 6th grade, for Andy. It means limitless musical connections and opportunities, a network of friends and prayer warriors from 4 churches in our history. It means Alumni Band marches in September and Court Jester's over Christmas. It means going places and people say "Hello" because they know you or they know your daddy. It means you can get away for a weekend, because life is hard and marriage is important. It means every important occasion has had 4 beaming grandparents at it, Mimi the Great and a host of friends. It means building your dream home in a city you don't plan to leave. A life so great, why would you ever leave? Easy. You wouldn't.

You wouldn't give this life up for more money, no need. You wouldn't give it up for more talent, better friends, or easier living, you already have it. You wouldn't give it up on a dare or a whim and you certainly wouldn't give it up over a grudge. Oh no, friends, you don't walk away from this life over pride or power, anger or attitude. If anything, this life is so good, it's all the reason you need to get over everything. There was a thousand reasons to stay. But, it only took one to leave. God called us to.

God called us to leave and we knew He had. We could pretend it wasn't so or pretend we hadn't clearly known it. But, friends, there are worse things in life than having "your plans" change and walking in disobedience is one of them. I know, I've walked in it. It's misery. This doesn't mean obedience is easy. In fact for us, obedience in this area was truly painful and made us deeply, deeply sad. Only a couple people have heard me say this aloud, but leaving Lubbock was the most grown-up, sacrificial thing Andy and I had done in our married lives. God called us to lay down and leave one of the most precious seasons and places we had known and trust Him. And we did, but we cried all the way to the altar.

But isn't God kind? Isn't He so merciful? God brought us TO a difficult decision only after He had held our hand THROUGH every step required to get there. You see, He knows us as only a daddy does. He knows that to take something, made of dust and ashes, skin and flesh, and make it reflect His glory is a painful impossibility without His hand. I love the picture Scripture gives about the Potter and His vessel.

As the vessel, you get to that point where you feel like you are actually almost done. He has worked out the biggest imperfections and impurities and now you're beginning to take form. You start to feel a sincere since of pride and gratitude, that His work is paying off and you can now see yourself becoming His vision. You're almost done. But then, the Potters hand, after careful examination, folds you back over into a distorted heap. It seems abrupt and unecessary, rude even, as you spin and spin with seemingly important pieces falling to the ground. "What was the point?!" you cry in disappointment.

The Potter, gentle as ever, begins smoothing you out once again, shaping and consoling you. It wasn't at all abrupt and it is necessary. I thought we were at a stopping point, and He was just pausing to evaluate. Was I ready? Were we ready? Would we trust Him to do the work still needed? Would we trust Him to get us to who, and what and where He wanted us to be?Would we trust that His plan for us surpasses all we could have imagined? Would we trust Him to pick up and add back any necessary pieces that had fallen to the ground? Some of those pieces do go back, you know. They may be in new places or in different ways. But, in His hands we lack nothing we need.

The real question, was did we trust Him enough to leave what was comfortable and familiar, beloved and treasured and follow wherever He leads? Yes, we did. And, already we see His perfect provision and His truly lavish love. God has a plan for us that has taken us far from home, to a new home. God is doing things we could have never dreamed, not in a million years.

I thought happiness was Lubbock, Texas. And, it was. For a season...a precious season.