Notes to Virgins

Sex after....?

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 04:24:00 +0000

Hi everyone,

HUGE apologies that I've been a bit invisible recently. This year I have taken on a new role at work, completed almost 3 courses (including my Diploma of Counselling so I can start work in private practice as a sex therapist) and, most recently, got married!
So, it's been a bit crazy.

That said, I'm super keen to continue this blog, and have had an idea for a series of posts. With all the changes going on in my own life, there's been a lot of talk around me about 'sex after marriage'. But as I'm only a week into my own marriage, I don't know whether I'm super qualified to talk about it yet.

So I need help from all of you! Have you had an event in your life which has changed your sex life? I'm thinking of a range of experiences such as:
- Surgery
- Childbirth
- Illness / Accident
- Divorce / Break-up (ex sex)
- Cheating / Infidelity (either as the person that cheated or was cheated on)
- Grief (death of a loved one)
- Sex work (either as an ex-sex worker or someone who has used a sex worker)
- Marriage
- Addiction (drug & alcohol)
- Depression / mental health concerns
- any other experiences you can think of.

Please comment below if you would like to contribute to any of these stories, or send me an email to giverny.lewis@gmail.com

Have you watched porn with your partner?

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:49:00 +0000

Have you tried to watch pornography with your partner and dissolved into a fit of giggles? Have you given it a go and found it really super awkward? or did you think it was a huge turn-on and now incorporate it regularly into your sex life?

I'm writing an article for Cosmo magazine about how to watch porn with your partner, and exploring other's experiences - and I'd love to hear about yours!

Interested in hearing from all women who are happy to briefly share their experience - please comment below (anonymously, if you like) with the low-down!

x

69 & feelin' fine: how to do mutual oral sex without looking/feeling like an idiot

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 23:03:00 +0000

What is 69?

69 is a classic position which allows both partners to give and receive oral sex at the same time. Woohoooo!

It's a move that divides men and women - a whole lot think it's super hot, and the rest think it's a pain in the ass, and awkward as fuck. Getting a faceful of your partner's junk is a totally all-encompassing experience, like a visit to the most awesome, sexual, 5D Imax cinema ever.

It's true that perfecting the 69 takes a bit of effort, but it's well worth it - it's one of the rare forms of 'foreplay' or non-penetrative sex that stimulates both partners at once.

So here are my tips for making 69-ing more of an amazing sexual experience and less of a painful game of twister:

Talk about it
This is pretty much my advice for EVERYTHING to do with sex and sexual health. Communication is the key to having great sex and looking after yourself and your partner. And this totally applies to 69-ing, perhaps even more so than some other sex acts.

Firstly, it's important to talk to your partner because some people don't like giving and/or receiving oral sex, and they may be uncomfortable with the whole idea of doing both at the same time.

Secondly, talking about doing it allows both partners to get themselves ready - some may want to do some hair removal, have a shower or even just go to the bathroom before diving straight in.

Lastly, there are some logistics involved in 69-ing without someone ending up injured/suffocated. This isn't just something you can launch yourself into without warning your partner, as it requires some cooperation, especially in regards to getting yourselves in the right positions.....

Positions
Don't try to get too porntastic with your positions. Neither of you need to be flipped completely upside down and inside out to have an awesome 69, I promise. Here are 3 surefire winners:

1. Girl on top - If you're having sex with a guy, this is a winner winner chicken dinner if you want to have control over how deep to take him and how much contact he has with you. If you're having sex with a girl, take turns on top! Yay!

2. Guy on top - If you're having sex with a guy, in this position he has more control over how deep he goes, the pace and angles etc. So sometimes you'll need to communicate if it's uncomfortable, too deep, you can't breathe... you know, the simple pleasures in life. As above, if you're having guy-on-guy action, take turns on top! Hooray!

For both of these options one of you can have your head hanging off the end of the bed/couch with the other person in a bent over standing position, miley cyrus twerkin style.

3. Side-by-side: maximum comfort, minimum effort. For the ladies, hike your leg up in a bent position like a ballerina, with your foot resting on your othe knee, to give your partner access-all-areas. Guys can do the same, which is particularly useful if you want to include his balls and/or ass in the fun.

Bonus tip: add pillows under any body bits that are getting sore (heads, necks, butts, legs. chuck a pillow anywhere you want!)

Extra bits:
- Use protection. You know the deal - Condoms and dams and lube, oh my!

- Toys: add a vibrator for extra fun. If you're using protection (or have both been STI tested and are clean as whistles), you can share the vibrator. A great option is a small one, preferably with a smooth and slim design, so it doesn't get in the way (like this awesome one here). Guys can tend to be a bit scared of using vibrators, so one that doesn't look like a giant schlong can be a great starter!

- Read their body: You lose that eye contact connection with 69-ing, mainly because you are faced with a wall of genital. Because you lose those visual clues that tell you if you're partner is loving it or hating it, pay attention to the way their body moves and how they're responding physically to different techniques. And don't be afraid to take a breather and ask them if they're enjoying it - just because you're not looking at each other, doesn't mean you shouldn't make sure everything's sweet.

Remember: 69-ing is not for everyone. It can be a lot of work and feel pretty awkward, and some people just don't like giving & receiving at the same time (look, we can't all be multi-taskers). Give it a whirl and if you and/or your partner aren't keen on it, there are plenty more sex positions in the ocean.

The gift that keeps on giving

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Wed, 18 Dec 2013 21:56:00 +0000

Want to give an AMAZING present to someone you love this Christmas?? Give an orgasm. To yourself or another.

My Little Black book have 25% off ALL their products if you use the codeword 'ORGASM' on checkout. I can totally recommend the Pierre Rabbit and Quill designs - depending on what you're after... (the quill is small and discrete and great for partner-sex as it could slip between the two of you nicely. and the rabbit is a classic design for vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation with the 'clit tickler' at the same tie). Click HERE to go straight to their online shop!

I'll be writing some more reviews and product overviews for My Little Black Book in the near future. But in the mean time, why not try them for yourself and let me know what you think in the comments! With 25% off, it'll be the best decision you make this Christmas (besides going back for a second/third round of desserts).

To virginity and beyond...

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 05:04:00 +0000

I’ve got a complicated relationship with the name of this blog, ‘Notes To Virgins’. I started it to provide intelligent sex education for adults, as I’ve always been ridiculously disappointed with the lack of quality, honest and practical information provided by schools and health services to young people when they really need it. I have convos with people every day about their sex lives, and I’ve almost stopped being surprised by the amount of mis-information people are fed by schools, their parents, friends, the media & porn. So, in essence, I wanted this blog to be able to counter-act that and maybe be able to help some people have better sex lives, with themselves and others. But the name has caused me some torment.

‘Notes to virgins’ can be read as being just for those who haven’t had sex/ screwed/fucked/popped their cherry/etc etc etc. But it’s so much more. It’s about doing things you haven’t done before. About broadening the horizons of your sexual experiences. About re-learning all that bullshit we’re taught from a young age. And one of those bullshit things is about the supposedly clear-cut distinction of virginity.

Virginity has got a whole load of social and cultural value. When/where women were sold and traded, virginity added a stack of value, but as we know, it’s the opposite for men (I’m talking American Pie-style message of virginity as something to get rid of as quickly and easily as humanly possible. Like some kind of sticky and awkward hot potato). So what even is virginity? What is this magical transition that happens the first time you have someone put something (obviously preferably a penis, according to common definition of sex) inside you, or the first time you put your penis into someone? What is it that you lose when you ‘lose your virginity’?

I’d like to argue that we don’t lose anything – not a hymen, not purity, not innocence, not value. What if we actually gain something? What if having sex for the first time can be thought of as a stage of development, a growing experience, a whole new level of knowing yourself, and others.

Now that all sounds a bit deep and meaningful, but seriously, what if we starting looking at virginity differently, and naming it differently. What if we called it ‘gaining sexual maturity’. What if we called having sex for the first time (in whatever way you want to define it – make your own damn rules) your ‘sexual debut’ (a word commonly used in health promotion and sex research). That’s awesome, hey? “I made my sexual debut”. Sounds like it could be accompanied by some kind of awesome party. Or a gold record mounted in a frame. Or at least a badge. A full discussion about the political and feminist meaning of this is beyond the scope of this blog-post (and, to be honest, my expertise and writing skills) but, suffice to say, regardless of what we call it, we need to start embracing opportunities to define (and re-define) our sex lives and our sexuality.

So back to my point – why did I call this blog, ‘Notes to Virgins’? Not because I wanted it to be read only by those who hadn’t yet become sexually active. But because I see sex throughout the life as a constant process of learning, no matter how many times or with how many different people you’ve had ‘sex’. It changes with different partners, different bodies (yep. Your own body will surprise you with its changes), different times and emotions, different relationships. So, in essence, every time we have sex we are virgins going into it, regardless of how ‘routine’ or ‘common’ it may seem.

And what does this mean for you? It means I’d like you to try to take each sexual experience as a new opportunity to learn, about your own body, about the body of your partner(s) and their sexual response, about the way you are TOGETHER, about how you feel before/during/after, about what you like and don’t like. And if you still feel like you’re losing something the first or any time you have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Take some time off, find yourself, find a different partner, and find a satisfying sex life which allows you to grow. I reckon that’s what it’s all about. That’s where awesome sex (and sex education) comes from - where ‘virginity’ becomes irrelevant and meaningless.

p.s - I promise my next post will be back to the good old fashioned here's-how-to-have-amazing-sex format.

Quick(y) Update

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 02:37:00 +0000

I have to send out a whole lot of apologies for not updating Notes To Virgins recently. I have been writing for Cosmopolitan Australia Magazine, new women's website My Little Black Book, and contributing to some friend's articles in other mags aswell. On top of that, I have just secured a job on the Youth Sexual Health team at Family Planning NSW, so it's all happening!

As part of my work with My Little Black Book, they are offering my blog readers an amazing deal on their products with 10% off all purchases - see off to the RIGHT hand side of my blog and click the little ad for more information. They have an amazing range of quality products which I whole heartedly endorse - get your hands on some, ASAP!

Check out a couple of my latest articles here:
'Help! My boyfriend's penis is too big!' (Australian Women's Health & Fitness)
'Size Matters: How to make the most out of his package' (MLBB)
Also check out the monthly Cosmo mag for my regular articles (December I talk about the differences between men & women in terms of sex, and next month my article about Porn Sex VS Real Sex will be up. I'm also going to be in 'Cosmo Campus' early next year discussing the dos & donts of dorm sex)

Coming up in my next post I want to explore the idea of 'virginity' and what it actually means - should we be even using the term 'virginity' or 'losing your virginity' anymore? Does penetrative intercourse actually constitute a 'sexual debut' or should this concept be more open to encompassing a range of sexual behaviours and interactions? What does this mean for GLBTI communities and those who are non-heteronormative in their relationships and sex lives?

I'm also keen to know what YOU would like me to write about - do you have any questions about sex? What do you wish you were taught about in sex ed but weren't? What saucy questions would you like answered!? Comment below & let me know xx

The Red Bedding: Sex During Menstruation

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Fri, 09 Aug 2013 05:17:00 +0000

SIDENOTE: If you don't get the Game of Thrones reference in that title, you should be ashamed.

There's a point in every relationship where the topic of sex during menstruation comes up. Usually it's when you've planned a sexy long weekend away, or you've got the house to yourselves, and you're both incredibly horny. Those moments where you're both really keen to make the most of it, but it's something you've never discussed.... do you take the plunge in sex during menstruation or not?

Firstly, you'll notice I avoid using the term 'period sex' - I steer clear of this title because I think it makes out that the sex is dominated by the fact that there's the possibility of some menstrual blood. However, sex when there's a menstruating vagina involved can be completely normal, pleasurable and CLEAN!

In many cultures (inc. Western culture), menstrual blood is seen as dirty. Women are told to keep it hidden away, make sure they don't leak/smell/show any signs of a normal reproductive cycle. Lots of you will probably want to your fingers in your ears and "LA LA LAAAA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU" at the very mention of sex with flo, and that's totally fine. But some of you will be interested in giving it a whirl, and that's why I wrote this article.

There's something empowering about sex during your period. It says "YEP, my body is fucking amazing. My vagina is a whole incredible reproductive system, not just a hole". Many women report being hornier during their period, and lots feel duped out of almost a week of lovin' when them or their partner is riding the cotton pony. Well, be duped no more!

Sex during your period can help reduce cramps and premenstrual/menstrual tension, for realz. The contractions of the cervix and uterus can soothe those cranky tummies, so you can throw away that chocolate! (Well, not quite). It can also bring you and your partner closer, through experiencing your totes normal bodily functions in a whole new way and needing to communicate to make sure you're safe and happy throughout the whole process. Yet another awesome thing to consider is that there's very little chance of a resulting pregnancy! (There still is a small chance, so consider using contraception or natural family planning methods like withdrawal). However, if you're trying to conceive, it's probs not the best time to try....& you may need to consult your ovulation chart a little longer.

TIPS FOR AWESOME SEX DURING MENSTRUATION:

Shower before or during! If you don't like shower sex, it can be nice to have a quick wash before you jump each other. Not only will it leaving you feeling warm and sexy but it will also help wash away any dried blood and interesting smells that might be making you feel worried.

Get turned on. The natural lubrication process of the vagina will slow or even stop the flow of menstrual blood (yep, our bodies are pretty fucking smart). And if not, the blood will actually make penetration easier and smoother.

Keep a towell handy, especially if you're not at home or don't want to spend the next 3 days making good friends with the washing machine. But really, the vagina only loses about 35 mls of blood (just over a standard shot glass full) during menstruation, so there's really not going to be a whole gush. And, seriously, we do a lot of messier things voluntarily. Shit, this aint got nothing on Tough Mudder.

Use a diaphragm or menstrual cup if you're super worried about any blood. It will help keep the blood contained, as long as you make sure you're not going for massively deep penetration which will likely dislodge the contraceptive.

As always, be safe. There's a higher risk of HIV infection when menstrual blood is present, so make sure you take the necessary precautions (get tested! use condoms! communicate/be honest with each other!). If you're having penetrative intercourse with a penis or toy, use a condom! If you're fingering and want to use a glove - go for it! Oral sex? Try a dental dam! There's heaps of ways to make things less messy and safer for both of you.

NO DEAL?

Some of you will still have your fingers firmly planted in your ears. Not keen on sex during menstruation? That's cool too. Everyone involved needs to be comfortable with it, otherwise it aint no good for nobody. I've read a whole lot of feminist articles which suggest that 'a man who won't have sex with you on your period is no man'. Firstly, women have sex with women too. Secondly, everyone has their likes & dislikes. Thirdly, I don't want my value as a woman to rest on what I will or won't do sexually, and I wouldn't put those expectations on anyone, especially not my male friends or sexual partners.

So, if you and/or your partner are not interested in riding the crimson tide, take the opportunity to reconnect with some non-sexual touching, completely sexual touching that doesn't include your vag, or to just focus on your partner for a while. Or consider some other options for contraception which mean you don't have to worry about any periods at all! Woo! Bottom line is: do what feels good. x

And, just for shits & giggles, this made me lol:

Pap Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Fri, 28 Jun 2013 00:02:00 +0000

There's a few things I'm afraid of, including cancer, unemployment & water slides (don't even get me started). The mere prospect of any of these things happening to me (yes, the idea of going to a water park sends me into a frenzy) makes my palms sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti. Okay, I got a bit carried away there with the Eminem lyrics. But seriously, we have an anxiety response to things we're afraid of. Our heart races, we sweat, we find it harder to breathe and we tense up (and, if you're Eminem, you spew on yourself and crave homemade Italian).

This is the response a lot of women have when they think about getting a pap smear. Coupled with the shear embarassment of getting your bits out for a random, there's a few big reasons why many women don't get their pap smears as regularly as they should.

The NSW Cervical Screening Program recommends all women between the ages of 18 and 70 years and who have ever had sexual intercourse should have a Pap test every two years. I was recently taught how to conduct a pap smear (practicing on a pelvic dummy, ofcourse) which was an amazing experience, so wanted to share some insights with you -

SO WHY DO WE FEAR THE SMEAR?

We don't know what to expect - let's be honest: the speculum (aka the 'duck bill') is a pretty terrifying-looking device. But in reality, it's actually not too bad, and serves a very important purpose. Rather than a sharp pain, most women report more of a firm pushing against the muscles of the vagina and some discomfort. If you're experiencing too much pain or discomfort, tell the person performing the pap smear. Don't be silent!

Some women don't really know what the doctor or nurse is doing down there or what they're testing for. We're never told what actually happens during a pap smear, so, let's lay it out. Pap smears basically check for any abnormal cervical cells which could develop into cancer - so better to get them early. It doesn't check for any other reproductive abnormalities, or sexually transmissible infections, and you will still need them even if you've had the HPV vaccine. The (thoroughly lubed) speculum is inserted into the vagina and is opened slightly, allowing the doctor or nurse to get a sample of cervical cells by gently swabbing a soft brush or similar against the cervix. This is then withdrawn, followed by the speculum. Sometimes they'll do a pelvic examination by inserting their fingers into the vagina and pushing their hand on the outside of your pelvis. Otherwise, that's it! You're done!

We are embarrassed about our own bodies - any time we have to get our clothes off for medical professionals, a lot of us have those circling thoughts - "will they think my vagina is weird?", "I forgot to wax...they'll think I'm gross" or "what if it smells?!". In reality, this is what doctors and nurses are trained to do. They've seen, heard & smelt it all, so don't be embarrassed to get your kit off. If there truly is a physical issue, they are the ones who'll be able to help you address it - so it's a win-win situation!

We think that it will hurt - When we expect pain, our vaginal muscles will tighten, which can make any penetration painful. We prepare ourselves for pain, which actually increases the chances that we will experience pain. Massive catch 22! The average speculum is approximately 2 - 3cm wide, meaning that it's about as big as two fingers. If you feel comfortable, practice inserting a couple of fingers into your vagina and breathe deeply throughout. This will get you used to the sensation and ways to work through it.

We are scared of the results - Lots of women avoid getting pap smears for the reason we avoid getting other sorts of tests. We don't think we're at risk, or we don't want to know the results if it means bad news. We think that if we don't put ourselves in the situation of getting tested, then we can just put our heads in the sand and stay safe. But the reality is that early diagnosis is much better than late diagnosis, so keep on top of it regularly to make sure you keep yourself healthy.

TIPS TO MAKE THE PAP BEARABLE:

Go somewhere you know they do a lot of pap smears - Family Planning and sexual health centres are your best options. They do a vag-load of pap smears, and will not be shocked by anything. They are usually covered by the healthcare system, so if you have a Medicare card/number, take it along with you.

Relax and breathe deeply - Learn to focus on your breathing, and make sure it's deep and regular. This will help to calm you both physically and mentally, which will help your vaginal muscles to relax and give the speculum a smooth and painless entrance.

Ask the nurse or doctor to talk you through what they're doing. They will probably do this as part of good practice anyway, but ask them to talk through each step of the process during the test. It will make you more aware of what's going on, able to tune into your body, and not shocked by any unexpected touches or movements.

Pop them pills: Take a few panadol/nurofen an hour or so before you go in. Just like the tactic for anyone's first tattoo, it will make it slightly less uncomfortable and will probably put your mind at ease a little too.

and remember, don't have sex for 24 hours before your pap smear, as it may mean the results are hard to read and you'll have to get a second examination!

Orgasm Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Thu, 30 May 2013 04:36:00 +0000

I've been writing a contribution for an upcoming issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, and thought it was an important issue to address on my blog in a more extended form. The female orgasm has been subject to a great deal of discussion, and a lot of us ladies feel a great deal of pressure to be orgasmic, multi-orgasmic, squeelers, squirters, g-spotters, or mutually orgasmic (with our partners). The reality is, a lot of women aren't orgasmic at all, or can only reach the big O under certain circumstances. There's a lot of stress and anxiety around female pleasure and orgasm, so it's time to break down some of them.

I get a lot of questions from women about orgasms, so I thought I'd look at a few of the more common ones here.

What do orgasms feel like? How do I know if I've had one?

Some words commonly used terms to describe female orgasm are: warm, tingly, shaking, contractions, like you have to pee, a sense of release. While some people say "you'll know when you've had one", I think this sets up an expectation of women to both be in touch with their bodies and to have noticeably intense orgasms. Each person will experience orgasm slightly differently. Most women will make some vocalisations when they are reaching orgasm, and experience involuntary muscle contractions (including the classic 'curling toes'). However, don't think you're going to have a Hollywood bed-head-shattering scream-fest. Thanks to rom coms and porn we think all orgasms are explosive, but you may find it is much less intense than you expect.

It's also common for the clitoris to be particularly sensitive after orgasm, although women are lucky enough to be able to experience multiple orgasms, so with continued stimulation another orgasm may follow.

Some women (approximately 6-13%) may 'squirt' when they orgasm, meaning they experience a type of female ejaculation where they expel or spray liquid from their vagina during climax (also known as 'gushing'). The jury is still out on what the liquid is, but it appears to be a mixture of vaginal lubrication and a liquid from the female prostate (or 'Skene's gland'). I'll write a longer blog post specifically about female ejaculation at a later date, but the main point to note here is that it is not urine which is ejaculated (although it may contain some urine substance), the amounts can vary from a few droplets, to quite a saturating amount, and don't be afraid of it! It's completely normal even though it's not experienced by most women - so you're one of the special few!!

(source: http://alfredo.octavio.net/2005/07/08.html)

The bottom line is, there's a whole range of experiences and it's quite difficult for me to say whether anyone has had an orgasm or not. Suffice to say, if you feel a build-up, followed by pleasure and release (and possibly clitoral sensitivity), I would suggest you have probably had an orgasm. If not, there's plenty of time to keep experimenting by yourself and/or with a partner(s) to find out what can get you there!

How do I reach orgasm?

Here are my main tips for reaching orgasm (for women - although a lot can apply to you boys aswell):

- If you're not already, start masturbating. As I always say, it's the best way to learn about your body, what works for you and what doesn't. When you're alone it takes the pressure of you to 'perform' for a partner and can allow anxious women to be really present and tune into their bodies.

- Relax, breathe deeply and slowly, focusing on the sensations (this can apply when you're alone and with a partner(s)). You may find that closing your eyes helps you to concentrate on what feelings are happening in your genitals and surrounding areas.

- Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Masturbation and partner sex can be incredibly enjoyable even if you don't reach orgasm - it's not the be-all-and-end-all of sex.

- Fantasise! - read erotic literature, watch porn, imagine a sexy scenario which get's you really turned on. If there's plenty of arousal and blood flow, you'll be more sensitive and more likely to reach orgasm.

- Focus on clitoral stimulation over (or coupled with) vaginal penetration. Use your hands, fingers, sex toys or whatever object you like (as long as it's clean!) to stimulate your clitoris to an intensity which feels good. It's the most common way the majority of women are able to cum.

- Try different things - you might find it feels better when you're in a certain position, or with/without vibration, or with/without lube, or over your clothes, or in the bath - the possibilities are endless.

- Persevere. You may not get there on the 1st try, the 2nd try, or even the 20th try, but chances are with a little perseverence and creativity (and perhaps the help of your partner, a friend, or a special electronic device), you'll get there eventually. As with all things in life, good things come (cum) to those who wait.

I can reach orgasm by myself, but not with a partner. What do I do?

It's time to start talking to each other. Let them know that you want to make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible for both of you. Teach them what you like and what works for you. Either masturbate for them, or give them some gentle pointers such as "I love it when....." or "that feels really good - can you go a bit faster/slower/harder/softer".

Make the transition easier by trying to replicate the conditions in which you were able to reach orgasm by yourself - maybe you need to be in a certain position, or you might want to introduce your sex toy(s), or get them involved in a fantasy that has worked for you in the past.

Another thing to consider is trying not to worry about your partner(s) too much. A lot of women get distracted thinking "I bet they hate this", "does their neck hurt?", "it's taking too long, they must be so annoyed". The thing is, most partners really just want to give each other pleasure, so as long as you're giving them some positive feedback and showing them how much you appreciate the effort, most are happy to oblige. and the reward will speak for itself. It doesn't hurt to return the favour every now and then either!

A final note - DON'T FAKE IT. When you start faking orgasms it really is the beginning of the end, as it starts a vicious cycle:
you fake an orgasm --> your partner thinks they're doing a good job --> they continue to do the same thing --> you don't get the stimulation you want and need --> you feel guilty and don't ask for what you want and need --> you feel you need to fake orgasm again so you don't hurt their feelings.

Break the cycle and start communicating.

When I feel like I'm about to reach orgasm, it feels like I'm going to pee and I have to make my partner stop. Is this normal?

This is a very normal experience! Lots of women report having this feeling when they're about to reach orgasm, and if you work through the feeling, you'll find that you are very unlikely to urinate during sex, as the neck of the bladder generally closes during heightened arousal and orgasm (in men and women). If you're genuinely worried, why not experiment in the bath or shower, so that if something happens and you do pee, there's not too much of a mess to clean up.

If you find you're having difficulty with urinating during sex, I would suggest you see a doctor, urologist or gynaecologist as you may have some bladder incontinence.

I've tried everything and I still can't reach orgasm. Is it possible I can't get there at all?

There are some medications which make it much more difficult for both men and women to reach arousal and orgasm, including SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as antidepressants. Anti-anxiety and blood pressure medications can also have an impact on blood flow (which is critical for heightened arousal), as well as poor diet, stress, and excessive use of alcohol and other drugs. Some surgeries or damage to the spine can also affect the genital area in terms of sensitivity and response.

Women who have experienced past trauma, abuse, or genital modification (including female circumcision) are less likely to be able to reach orgasm, due to a range of physical, emotional and mental contributors. Counselling can be useful to address some of these underlying issues, and developing a trusting and comfortable relationship with partners can be essential.

Ruling out these possible causes, female orgasmic disorder is very real (which is diagnosed when these other factors are not present). It's more likely to have a psychological rather than physical cause, and can often be assisted with sex therapy and other counselling (which may include homework such as relaxation, breath-work, masturbation, kegel/pelvic floor exercises). The key point here is: don't be afraid to go to a professional for help. There is hope, and you deserve an orgasm! All of us do.

IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ORGASMS OR SEX, PLEASE PUT IT IN THE COMMENT BOX AND I'LL GET TO IT ASAP. YOU CAN BE COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS x

COSMO ARTICLE (June Issue)

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Wed, 08 May 2013 21:57:00 +0000

I recently wrote a Q&A section for Cosmo magazine. Quite a few people have asked me for a copy of it, so here it is. It looks like I'll be contributing to Cosmo more often, so look out for more Q&As - and if you have any questions of your own, feel free to ask them in the comments section of this post.

Fore & Against: Foreskin 101 (probs NSFW)

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 04:29:00 +0000

I’m passionate about foreskins. I think they’re a wonderful, sensitive and multipurpose part of the genitals which are severely underrated and misunderstood. If I could, I’d request foreskins for all. I’d give them as birthday presents and leave them in stockings for people at Christmas (too far?). But, I’m going to leave aside the moral debate about circumcision and focus on the practical and sexual aspects, to give some ideas on what to do (and what not to do) to both cut and uncut guys:

What is the foreskin?

The foreskin is a natural part of the penis. It is basically a double-layered fold of skin that covers and protects the head (glans) of the penis and urethra. It extends beyond the head when the penis is flaccid, and usually retracts to expose the head when the penis is erect. It is comparable to the clitoral hood (the small piece of skin which covers and protects the clitoris) in females. It’s very elastic and movable but, like the clitoral hood, is connected to the glans by a small piece of skin called the frenulum. The foreskin has heaps of specialised sensory nerve endings and erogenous tissue, making it super sensitive and it provides a ‘gliding’ action over the penis, which can make intercourse and other stimulation smoother and more enjoyable for all involved.

What is circumcision?

Circumcision is a medical procedure in which the foreskin is separated and cut from the penis. It is most commonly performed on baby boys before 3 months of age, usually for religious or cultural reasons.

Goods & Bads of Circumcision

Leaving aside the moral debate around whether routine circumcision of babies is the right thing to do or not (because that gets real heated, real quick), here are a few extra things to think about:

HIV risk: Circumcision has been found to be a good, affordable option in the fight against the spread of HIV in Africa and other countries with high HIV rates, although not necessarily more affordable than condoms (and definitely not as effective). For developed countries such as Australia, the UK and the USA, condoms are still the best way to reduce the chances of HIV transmission, and routine circumcision has very little impact.

STIs: As for other sexually transmissible infections, there is some evidence that circumcised men are at lesser risk of getting these nasties, but this is also inconclusive. Your best protection will be condoms and lube.

Sexual Function: Being circumcised at an early age does not necessarily an impact on sexual function, but there may be some differences in sensitivity between those who are cut and those who are uncut. When the foreskin is removed, the glans of the penis is constantly exposed, and therefore becomes somewhat more desensitised to touch and feeling. This can have an impact on how you or your male partner likes to be touched – how firm or soft, how fast or slow, how much lube is required – so keep communicating and find out what works for the both of you.

What to do with cut/uncut guys

You might be a bit scared the first time you see a cut or uncut penis, depending on what you’re used to. For both types, there are a few things to remember and some tips to make the most of whatever he’s got going on:

CUT:

Lube it up: The foreskin provides a natural ‘gliding’ movement for the penis, so without it you’ll need a bit of help – use plenty of water based lube to stop the friction getting out of control and reduce irritation. It’ll also be more comfortable for the receiving partner, and flavoured lubes can be awesome for oral sex.

Hold on tight: Be firmer with his penis. And I don’t mean getting all 50 shades on him, but think about the reduced sensitivity he may have, and get into it. If you’re giving oral sex, incorporate your hands to make sure it’s firm enough. Check in with him to ask if he wants it firmer/looser, harder/softer, or slower/faster and change your style accordingly.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw: Each guy that’s been circumcised is left with some amount of scar tissue, usually around the side of the penis where the ‘frenulum’ would have connected to foreskin to the glans. For some, this will be a spot which has little to no feeling, but for others it will be a particularly sensitive spot.

UNCUT:

Keep it clean: Cleanliness really is the key here, and is one of the most common arguments used for circumcision (“it’s cleaner”). Without regular washing, a build-up of white/yellowish creamy discharge called smegma can build up, which is perfectly normal but may cause a strange smell, taste & irritation. There are many simple ways to keep the penis healthy, and a quick shower is really a great start. Pull the foreskin back gently and run mild, soapy water over the head and shaft of the penis, to get it in tip-top shape. Or, just have a shower together before you get down to it. Any excuse.

Start slow: Because the head/glans of his penis is all snug and protected inside the foreskin most of the time, take it slow until you’ve worked out how sensitive he is under there – some guys will be super sensitive and won’t like to be touched too directly, while others will require some more intense stimulation. Suss it out before you dive right on in.

Use the foreskin: As the foreskin is full of sensory tissue and nerve endings, use it in a few different ways for maximum awesome. Don’t be afraid to play with it, gently tug on it, hold it in your mouth, and slip your tongue inside it. It’s usually so sensitive all over, it’s a shame to waste it. But, as always, try to work out if your partner wants you to go further or isn’t enjoying it – if you’re not able to talk about it, check to see if he’s squirming or pulling away or whether he seems to be enjoying it.

The bottom line is: penises are great, and all are different. Some people have preferences about whether they like their partners to be cut or uncut, but that's a very personal decision and one which is usually based on experience, rather than functionality or truth. We also don't see a wide variety of penises in porn or sex ed (which, let's be honest, is about the extent of most of our learning about human sexuality), so we don't know what's "normal" or what we "should" look like or enjoy. Although I might sound like a broken record sometimes, regardless of whether your partner has a foreskin or not, just communicate with each other (in whatever way works for you) and you'll find a way to bring max. pleasure & awesome sex to you both.

Check out Vice's awesome article asking people if they prefer cut or uncut - the variety of opinions are awesome!

Oral sex school

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 03:16:00 +0000

Ahh oral, one of the most under-rated sex acts. Unfortunately we're not taught how to perform or receive oral, so most of us just flop our tongues around thinking it’s some annoying preface to the main event. But oral sex can be so much more when you have the time, skills and desire. So here are my 6 main tips for awesome oral sex.

Sweeten the deal

(image from http://favim.com/image/213511/)

A lot of complaints from both men and women go a bit like this: “I don’t like the taste/smell of my partner’s bits”. Well, here’s some ways to sweeten their junk and make the experience more pleasant for the both of you!

- Suggest a sexy shower for the two of you, especially if you’ve had a long day. Wash away your troubles (along with that musty scent), before you get down to it. There’s no need to douche or wash yourself too intensely, but a quick rinse does wonders.

- Eat more fruit! The old ‘pineapple sweetens your jizz’ trick is not that far from the truth. A healthy diet, as well as limited intake of alcohol and cigarettes, can affect the smell and taste of your fluids! So remember, an apple a day keeps the funk away.

- Buy some fun lubes – you can get chocolate or fruit flavoured and delicious-smelling ones too. Make sure you avoid those with sugar in them (or any types of food – chocolate sauce is not for the vag or the penis!), as these can cause thrush, a nasty discharge which is caused when the natural balance of the vagina is thrown out of whack.

Take your time

A lot of people (guys, I’m looking at you) think that foreplay is a waste of time and just can’t wait to get into the ‘real sex’. Well, I’m telling you – oral is your best way to get your partner super keen & wet for penetration, rack up some brownie points, and probably your best shot at giving her an orgasm. Regardless of whether you’re performing oral on a guy or a girl, take it slowly, try to really tune into what they’re enjoying and what’s working for them, and bask in the fact that you’re making them feel really, really good.

Work your way to the middle

Don’t think you need go straight for the centre of the action (the clitoris or penis). A bit of suspense is never a bad thing, so start at less sensitive and often ignored parts of the body, then work your way towards the holy grail. Think about the stomach, arms, chest and thighs, and don’t forget the lips and face. Kissing and touching any of these areas is likely to get them raring to go. Then you can think about moving towards the pubic bone, balls, outer vaginal lips (labia majora), and ass. And finally, when you get to the clitoris & penis, all that build-up will be worth it.

Avoid the pearly whites

(image source: http://favim.com/image/631911/)

No chomping, biting or nipping, unless the other person tells you that’s how they want it! Not only is it super uncomfortable, but you risk making small cuts in the skin, which increases the risk of sexually transmissible infections (such as herpes & gonorrhoea) and blood borne viruses (such as Hep C & HIV). So, try to wrap your lips around your teeth a little more, and keep those gnashing movements for the dinner table.

Learn to multi-task

Don’t just focus on using your tongue, lips & mouth – get some other bits n pieces in on the action! Use your hands and fingers aswell (just make sure they’re nicely lubed up), or even bring a vibrator into the mix. It can be used on and around the clitoris, as well as on the scrotum, or on the perineum (the bit of skin between the balls/vagina and the anus – it’s full of nerve endings and super sensitive!). You can also use it to penetrate the vagina or ass while continuing on with your oral skillz.

Communicaaaaaaate!

I know I sound like a broken record on this one, but it really is the key to success with any kind of sex and any kind of partner. And I don’t mean you have to break into D&Ms in the middle of the fun stuff, but just make sure you ask them “how does that feel?”, or “do you want me to go higher/lower/faster/slower/harder/softer?”, or “show me where you want me to start”. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, you can communicate by making different sounds, touching, moving the other persons head/hand/fingers/bits, and moving your body in different ways. Don’t be afraid to try new things and see, feel & hear how your partner responds.

The other part of this equation is being able to LISTEN. Don’t be offended if your partner tells you something doesn’t feel good, or to do something differently. Be honoured and take those gems of info on board! You will improve your technique and they will improve their chances of orgasm. Everyone’s a winner.

Sex is not just for V-Day

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 03:35:00 +0000

Sex is not just for Valentines Day. It’s for every day!

But if you’re one of those peeps who likes to do something special & sexy for your partner to commemorate some Roman priests, go for it – and take these tips with you.

Now, we’ve all seen a lot of sexy Valentines set-ups & get-ups, – I’m thinking rose petals leading to 4-poster beds, expensive lingerie and push-up bras, spray tans and brazilian waxes - & with Australian’s set to spend a record $930million this V-Day, it’s important to remember some of the best gifts (like most awesome things in life) are free. So, do something free for yourself, your mates &/or your partner(s) and make everyone happy:

Spend a little time on YOU

If you don’t have a saucy date lined up, spread the love to yourself. When we caught up in the everything-else-of-life, we forget to focus on what’s really important – our own happiness &, perhaps even more important, our own fappiness.

I think it’s SO important, I’ve even started buying vibrators for my friends. Not a traditional birthday gift, but from all reports it’s doing the job! So why not treat yourself to a new vibrator, sex toy, lube, or erotic fiction this Valentines, and spend some time getting to know your bits.

Now, a lot of you might think – how tragic to be alone, masturbating, on Valentines Day. But THINK ABOUT IT – you’re doing yourself and your future/current partner(s) a favour, by working out what turns you on, what feels good, and what makes you cum. So use your V-day alone-time to your advantage, and work on becoming an absolute tiger in the sack.

Celebrate with your BFFs

Grab hold of your friends, declare your love for them & take advantage of some of the sweet Valentines specials (I’m thinking free champagne, kitschy restaurant decorations, & cheap set menus). We’ve all seen/written enough whingey singles facebook posts cursing Valentines Day to last a lifetime, so why not enjoy the ridiculousness of it all and throw your singleton troubles to the wind!

(hopefully your night doesn’t end as tragically as Carrie & Miranda’s did….)

Don’t stress the sex stuff

Like a wedding night, there’s a lot of pressure to get it on for Valentines Day. But usually after a stressful day at work, a big dinner out, a few too many glasses of vino and all the expectations of being sex-on-legs, it can be the last thing on your to-do list. So why not forget about it for one night and focus on other things in your relationship? There’s a whole lot of intimacy that can be shared by two people without getting your kit off – what about buying some sweet-smelling oil and giving your hottie a slow massage or simple foot rub? What about a make-out session in the back of the car? What about a cosy spoon and exchanging some sweet nothings at the end of the night?

If the night naturally leads to sex, go for it! But if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.

After all, Valentines Day is just a day about some old Roman priests. Use EVERY day to celebrate your loved ones (whether they be partners, friends or family) and yourself.

back in the saddle

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 23:06:00 +0000

Good morning to all!

Just a quick update to say I’m still alive and this blog is still trucking along, I’ve just been away in the USofA over the December/January and haven’t had a chance to update.

However, I did manage to mix a little work with pleasure, and visited the Museum of Sex in NYC while I was there. (Notice the extreme excitement on my face in the below picture that only comes with the anticipation of seeing 3 levels of sex-related artifacts & displays. Yep. Sex geekdom.)

I saw old-school vibrators (back in the day where vibration-assisted masturbation was administered or prescribed by doctors for ladies with ‘hysteria’ – aka sexual desire), ground-breaking sex toys and interactive S&M suits, an exhibition on the ‘sex lives of animals’ and some of the most incredible photographs and artworks (including a quilt made up of pictures of people’s orgasm faces – brilliant).

(I also got this awesome drink bottle)

Now I’m back in the land of the living and ready to get my blog on. I’m also writing a Q&A section for reachout.com, continuing to work in the HIV sector & studying my Diploma of Counselling. Stay tuned for more sexy updates soon & remember that suggestions are always welcome xx

Too young for sex education? /RANT/

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 01:05:00 +0000

A study cited in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning indicates that high school students want sex education earlier but that teachers are uncomfortable teaching such material. Regardless of the fact that this study was of a small sample size of students in Ballarat (a relatively urban centre in Victoria), it’s findings have hit a nerve & illuminated a heated debate in the comments section.

The argument against early sex education draws on fears of the loss of young people’s ‘innocence’ and the age-old moral panic that ‘if we teach them about it, it’s giving them permission to go out and do it’. And you know what? NO. It’s not. Teaching young people about their bodies, sex & contraceptives will not make them go out and have sex, just as teaching them about sports physiology and injury prevention will not make them go out and play dangerous sports.

‘RRR’ suggests that young people “are not emotionally ready to learn about sex education at an earlier age”. But when is ‘ready’? Does ‘ready’ mean when they have already been forced to deal with it, when they’re thrust head-first into puberty without any preparation? When they have their first wet dream, when they bleed between their legs, when they find themselves feeling guilty about masturbating? Surely we are ready to learn about our bodies at the earliest age possible. Surely the fact that we inhabit these glorious, fascinating, mysterious, messy and confusing vessels called our bodies, gives us enough reason to know how they work, what they can do and how this may affect us in the future.

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is endlessly inquisitive about his body and the bodies of those around him. Instead of calling his penis a 'willy', 'peepee' or a number of ridiculous pseudonyms I've heard used by adults and children alike, he knows it's called a penis. He knows about his foreskin, how to clean himself and that his penis feels nice sometimes when he touches it. He is incredibly well adjusted, happy and healthy. He knows who is allowed to touch his body and in what ways, what is 'off limits' and is being taught to look after himself. When we asks, we answer. It the information given is not relevant to him (as I'm sure it won't be for many years), he quickly tunes out and resumes playing Mario. It doesn't damage him and it doesn't confuse him. What it does do is open up an honest line of communication between himself and responsible adults who he loves and trusts. Where's the negative there?

By withholding information from young people, we reduce their sense of ownership of their bodies, their agency and decision-making which comes with the responsibility of being a human. To me, this screams of a number of concerning issues including possible body image problems, uninformed sexual decision-making, and sexual assault concerns(where young people are sexually disenfranchised and do not feel they are entitled to speak up about their own bodies and what can/can’t be done with them).

Amongst all the debate and misinformed nonsense on this comment thread, there are those who share some wonderful insights, and I’ll leave the last word with them:

UPDATE

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 21:43:00 +0000

Just wanted to provide an update, as I've been M.I.A for a little while. I've been super busy with work, away at the 1st National Sexual & Reproductive Health Conference, and I've starting writing sex advice for reachout.com (see the first question/answer here: http://au.reachout.com/q-i-want-to-have-sex). There will be one question/answer per week uploaded onto the site, so if you have a question which you don't want to ask here - feel free to submit it at reachout, here.

Other than that, I'm drafting up some more blog posts! The topics I'll be covering in the next few posts are:

- The basics of sexual anatomy and why it's important to know.
- Blow jobs
- Why I've started buying vibrators for my friends.
- How sex ed failed us.
- & more golden nuggets of things I wish I'd been told about sex.

If you have any suggestions or burning questions, pop them in a comment & I'll get to them ASAP x

fastBREAK 'cure' video

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 22:26:00 +0000

Here is the video of my speech from fastBREAK at the Powerhouse Museum last month, which I wrote about HERE. Get excited.

Fap your way to happiness (aka The Fappiness Principle)

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 03:09:00 +0000

MASTURBATE!

It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what feels nasty, what makes you cum. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s a wonderful way to explore your body’s sexual response, it’s always consensual, there’s no risk of pregnancy and it’s completely natural.

Photo by Zandura577 (Source)

Children naturally masturbate, they start exploring their bodies and find that some parts feel particularly good when touched in certain ways. But at the same time we are taught not to touch ourselves, and we learn that our genitals are our ‘private parts’ or ‘naughty parts’, so we repress the natural desire to fiddle. When we become teenagers & the barrage of hormones kick in, the desire to masturbate returns, and masturbation becomes the source of many jokes – especially targeted at young men. They’re expected to want to masturbate almost constantly, which fails to acknowledge their diversity of experiences and desires/drives. It feeds into the sexualised culture of young men who are told in order to be ‘real men’ they need to want and be ready for sex all.the.time.

The reality is that most of us fumble about a bit during adolescence, but usually fall into a regular pattern of masturbation which is predictable and not particularly varied. We use the same porn or fantasies and the same techniques which usually continues into adulthood. Ofcourse, masturbation isn’t compulsory and you are not abnormal if you don’t want to play with yourself. Some people don't masturbate or have any desire to masturbate at all, and that's completely normal aswell.

However, if you’d like to start masturbating, or want to explore or change your masturbation technique (maybe because you’re not reaching orgasm as often as you’d like?), here’s some hot tips.

- Get in the mood: You might find that just the idea of masturbating will be a turn-on itself, but if you need a little help to get the fire started, try some of these things –

o Fantasise about someone or something that turns you on. Imagine they are there with you or you are in a situation which you find sexy. It may be something you have done before, would like to do or would never do but find the idea of it a huge turn-on!). Lots of people have fantasies which they would never like to come true (especially rape/assault fantasies), but it doesn’t mean they can’t be a healthy part of your sexual experiences.

o Pornography / Erotica – Explore some of the websites and resources I’ve listed HERE, and you’re likely to find something that flips your switches. Have a browse through the free websites and then use key word searches to pinpoint the kind of stuff you like.

o Voyeurism/Exhibitionism – try Cam4 or even ChatRoulette if you want to see some real people getting their junk out. If you’re super brave, you might want to show yourself off. Get your web-cam set-up & get to it – you’ll find people will give you suggestions and compliments (although there may be haters aswell), and you might find it gets you going. But be careful to conceal your identity if you’re worried, and make sure you’re aware of the risks of online exhibitionism.

- Use lube: this is always an essential part of any sex education I give. Lube is one of the best things to add to both masturbation and partner-sex. It makes everything slippery, makes penetration or contact (with clitoris/vulva, penis, sex toy, body part, material etc.) less abrasive, and lessens the risk of discomfort from a ‘dry rub’ (think of a genital carpet-burn….gaah). Try a water-based lubricant - they're available at supermarkets, chemists or adult stores, or you can also buy it online and it will be shipped in discrete packaging.

- Ladies, invest in a vibrator: This can be particularly important, as vibrational pressure on or around the clitoris is what women most commonly find will regularly bring them to orgasm. You don’t necessarily need a giant, penis-shaped vibrator – there are lots of interesting products out, especially by a brand called Lelo (MaxxxBlack have a great range here) which are shaped like ‘pebbles’, especially for the clitoris and vulva area (external genitals). Dr Laura Berman controversially suggested on Oprah in 2009 that mothers might give their daughters a vibrator. Props to Berman, that’s an amazing idea! A lot of women might find that their hands or other objects might work just as well, but a vibrator is always a good accessory and one that has found to be particularly useful to many women – vibration was also used by doctors back in the day where female ‘hysteria’ was cured by orgasm!

- Experiment with different textures, pressures & rhythms: usually one size doesn’t fit all, so try a few different things to see what works and what doesn’t – move into different positions, try different objects/toys and try to work out how sensitive different parts of your genitals are. You might find that you need a very specific combination of things to reach orgasm.

- Focus on the sensations: Especially if you’re trying to control orgasm (whether you’ve never had an orgasm and you’re trying to, or whether you find you’re cumming too fast and want to lengthen the experience), try to focus on how it feels. Try to block out other distractions – and that might mean making sure you have a quiet space free of interruptions, putting some music on, and/or relaxing in a warm bath.

What have you got to lose? Take some time out of your day to get in touch with your body and inner ‘fappiness’.

'Cure'

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 00:45:00 +0000

Yesterday I was contacted by an old school friend about whether I wanted to speak at an event happening at the Powerhouse Museum this morning. It's a monthly event run by Vibewire called 'fastBREAK' and the topic was 'Cure' (http://vibewire.org/). I scribbled some notes together and made my bleary-eyed way to the powerhouse this morning. The turn-out was great and there was tweeting and instagramming galore! Between pastries & coffee the other speakers discussed poverty (www.theoaktree.org), mental health (http://expatentpreneur.com/), autism (www.kodamapixel.com) & Australia's drinking culture (www.hellosundaymorning.com.au), while I spoke about young people & sexual health. The feedback I've received so far has been overwhelming, so I thought I'd include a copy of my speech here, so if you'd like to read, click the 'read more' link below.

Can't wait to give more of these speeches/presentations and spread the word about sex-positive education for young people!

When I was given the topic for today’s fastBREAK (about 20 hours ago), I started thinking about how the notion of a ‘cure’ comes into conversations about sex & sexual health. I thought about STIs and Blood Bourne Viruses, abortions and the morning after pill, sexual dysfunctions, addictions and fetishes, homosexuality, transexuality and sex work. But mostly I thought about young people and how our emerging sexuality is so often medicalised and framed as problematic in this way, and as something that needs to be ‘cured’ or managed by the adults.

So, from abstinence-only education, to the forced sterilisation of girls with disabilities, our sexual ‘coming-of-age’ is framed as an affliction to be cured by any means possible by the adults in our lives. No matter what we do, we seem to do ‘sex’ wrong. We’re too sexual, or we’re too asexual, or we’re not having the right kinds of sex, or our bodies don’t look right, or our preferences are too abnormal.

The lesson that we hear from schools, doctors, the media and our parents is: ‘don’t do it. Don’t have sex.’ (& that’s often where it stops with a lot of abstinence only education). But if the lesson does continue its ‘if you are going to do it, it needs to be penis-in-vagina, in a bed, in a 2-person heterosexual committed (preferably married) relationship, and preferably for procreation. And it needs to be missionary. And no fantasising. And no alcohol or drugs. And you’ll fall in love and be together forever.’

But for most of us this isn’t how sex happens. And if isn’t like that for you, it isn’t something that’s abnormal or problematic or needs to be ‘cured’. It needs to be discussed, normalised and respected.

Suffice to say, we’ve all been in relationships where we weren’t sexually compatible. Some of us might never have had great sex, or had sex at all - and that can be frustrating and confusing. But it’s also a part of the learning process, and if we were allowed to talk openly about these experiences, we could share our knowledge and start a positive dialogue around sex. It could teach us about our own sexuality and allow us to take ownership of what we want/don’t want in our partners and our sex acts.

(there I am in the middle on the right! - thanks to @fridley for the photo!)
another photo at: http://instagram.com/p/QGH1GrjmVP/ (thanks @servantofchaos)

So, what are the things that the sex education system & wider institutions fail to teach us, but are really the key to maintain healthy sexual relationships?

- Masturbation: It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what works & what doesn’t. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s not dirty, it won’t make you go blind, and you won’t go to hell. I promise. We’re not really taught how, when or why to masturbate, but we should be.

- The 2^nd skill we should be taught is - Communication: Once you know what you like, you need to start sharing this with your partners and find out what they like. I’m constantly asked “how do I turn my partner on”, “how do I make my girlfriend wet” or “will my partner like it if I do x?”. The answer is, even with a Masters, I DON’T KNOW. We need to provide young people with the skills, information and vocabulary to communicate what they want and need to partners and health professionals.

- & lastly we should be taught about - Responsibility: and this means being informed about any risks (physical, emotional & social), and taking steps to manage them. This includes agreeing on acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, setting limits, using contraception and ensuring you know your health status in relation to STIs to make sure both you & your partner are safe.

Only by talking about sex and taking ownership of it, can we stop the medicalization, problematizing and repression of positive sexual health. People come up to me at parties and because I’m a sexologist they want to talk to me about their scrotums, or their nipples, or their love of porn, or the karma sutra, or rimming. Or ask me if their vulva is normal or if they can get pregnant swallowing cum or if the blue waffle is for realz. I feel like a walking dolly doctor and I’m always more than happy to grab a bevvy and have an honest chat with them about what they actually want to know.

This is what the education system, doctors, the media & parents need to be doing. Start engaging young people in mature & honest discussions to counteract their porn-watching or cleo-reading which, while sometimes informative, usually only helps to solidify stereotypes, perpetuate myths & make people feel like they’re doing sex wrong. Usually they’re not. & they need to know that.

The bloody myth

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 03:16:00 +0000

For many women, the anxiety over the prospect of losing your virginity is tied up in the illusive hymen. We’re not really taught what the hymen is, but we know to expect blood when someone finally ‘pops our cherry’. So WTF is this cherry and what does ‘popping’ it actually mean?

We’re taught to think that the hymen is like a sheet of clingwrap covering the entrance of the vagina, which will be perforated/broken/torn by a penis. In fact, the hymen is not a full piece of skin or membrane which is ‘broken’ and opens up some magical vaginal path to the uterus. If it was then women with an unbroken hymen would experience massive infections every time they had their period (as there would be no way for the menstrual blood to escape). Instead, the hymen usually appears as a set of ‘fringes’ or ruffles of tissue around the walls of the vagina. In cases that the hymen is a full membrane, this is called ‘imperforate hymen’ (which is an extreme in the spectrum of hymen types) and generally requires medical intervention in being gently cut open to allow menstrual flow and general vaginal health.

The variation in hymens is similar to the variations in vulvas – we all look different, but all are perfectly normal and functional - except for hymen imperforatus ofcourse, so get that checked out.

Source

So while some women may bleed when they first have intercourse, it is usually because the penis is the biggest object to have penetrated them, and is likely to stretch or tear these ‘hymen-y’ fringes. This can also occur from using tampons, fingering or inserting other objects into the vagina, strenuous sports or horseriding, and medical examinations.

So the concept of an ‘intact’ hymen is actually a big, fat lie. We hear words like ‘breaking’ or ‘popping’ the hymen – the myth of the hymen perpetuates ideas that by having sex a woman loses something which is taken from her by a man. We are taught we need to ‘protect’ our hymen as it is what separates innocence and guilt.

Experiencing some pain, bleeding or a stinging sensation with first-time intercourse can also be due to the vaginal walls ‘stretching’ (although they are not really stretching, merely expanding, which can be made difficult through nerves & anxiety), &/or a lack of lubrication which can cause friction and discomfort.

During first time sex, it may hurt a little, it may sting, you may see some blood. Or you may experience none of these things. To avoid too much pain or discomfort, USE LUBE, and take it slowly, communicate with your partner and educate him or her on what is uncomfortable/comfortable, pleasurable/not-so-nice. Ofcourse, losing your virginity is about more than the hymen, and it certainly shouldn't be the symbolic definer of first-time sex.

So, hymen schmymen - let's kick those hymen myths to the curb.

Real Sex: Painful sex / Vaginismus

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 07:26:00 +0000

Since starting this blog I've been contacted by several people who have wanted to tell their stories and share their experiences of sex. Each one has been unique and I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that they want to share their intimate details with the internetz.

This will be the first of several contributed stories to Notes to Virgins over the next few months. 'Miss G' has written about her experience of Vaginismus, a involuntary reflex/tightening of the vaginal muscles which usually prevents penetration and makes any attempt extremely painful. From the first discovery of the pain, to seeking treatment and the experience of intercourse with partners, this really is a tell-all recount of her journey in her own voice. I'd like to thank Miss G for contacting me about this, and I hope that your story will educate and inspire others to seek help if they experience vaginal pain.

Discovering the pain

I realised something wasn’t quite right when I was about 12 or 13. Not long after getting my period, I tried using tampons for the first time. I physically found it difficult to place inside me, and the pain was knuckle clenching. Being so young I assumed that I was just tight or my body hadn’t developed enough to be able to use tampons. I waited a few more years before I tried again, but the result was the same as before. It was terrifying. I ignored this for years. I was convinced that everything would work fine when it came to losing my virginity. I was so naïve to how my body worked, and what I assumed was “normal” for someone my age. I was so scared about seeking information or asking for help, purely because I was afraid of the diagnosis or no one would believe there was a problem. I was 18 when I had my first sexual experience. It was bad. Very bad. However, I realised from this experience that my body had a serious problem. No matter how hard we tried intercourse, the pain was just too much. My body wouldn’t let him inside me, and the harder he pushed, the more piercing and sharp the pain became. After this experience, I knew that I had a problem that I couldn’t just ignore anymore.

I didn’t have a clue what to do. I searched the internet for days looking for some kind of information that could assist me. I remember reading an article about a woman with similar symptoms to me; she had a condition called Vulvadynia. After more research I discovered that Vulvadynia covered so many branches of sexual pain and had sub-sections. Surprisingly, Wikipedia really helped me make a diagnosis. But the more I read about it, the less hope I had that I was going to find a cure. Doctors don’t know why it happens or how to cure it, but it is a huge impact on any female’s life. After figuring out this was what I had, my self-esteem took a pretty large beating. I felt like I had failed as a woman. Intercourse was impossible, and the pain was horrendous. I found it hard to talk to anyone about it. My friends all were sexual active or had boyfriends, they had absolutely no ability to understand what I was going through.

The GP

I felt like I needed a real diagnosis. I started at my GP. I explained my symptoms and what I thought my diagnosis could be. I remember it clearly. My Doctor gave me this baffled expression and asked me what Vaginismus was. I explained the condition as best I could. She confessed she didn’t know what to do with me. She decided to send me to family planning centre, because the condition was sexual in nature, she thought they would be able to help more. I turned up for my appointment with a friend.. I went in for my appointment terrified and embarrassed. The sex therapist I saw was lovely, but she didn’t know much about it either. She pulled out this enormous encyclopaedia on medical conditions and found a section on Vaginismus. She had a read and I had my first physical examination. It was painful, but at last I was confirmed on having the condition. She sat down with me afterwards and expressed her concern. She read in the book that this condition usually affects women who have been sexual abused or raped. She bluntly told me that she thinks I was sexually abused as a child and the trauma of the experience has removed the memory. This was huge! I must have cried for days. Not only did I definitely have a condition that was going to affect the rest of my life, but I might have a subconscious memory of being abused! I got a lot of support from my friends and family, those of which I wasn’t afraid to tell. But it was such a silent burden.

After nights of chocolate bingeing, crying all the time, ignoring my friends and feeling defeated about everything, I started searching for treatment. I’d read so many things online about Vaginismus being a psychological condition. I really don’t believe it is. Psychologically it may be a factor why it develops, but there’s not enough evidence to prove that it is. I came across a doctor who was the self-proclaimed expert of sexual pain disorders in Australia. He would travel between Melbourne and Sydney every month working at 2 locations helping woman overcome Issues surrounding Vulvadynia. I figured I’d give it a shot. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. His fees were expensive and I live rurally in NSW, so travelling to Sydney would be difficult too. But I made an appointment and made it work.

The ‘Expert’

He was an older doctor, very technical and medical about the condition. He explained to me that the condition wasn’t psychological at all (just as I thought) that it was purely muscular. The pelvic muscles are created in a sling like shape, and the Vaginismus is the condition of these muscles being contracted involuntarily forward to push the opening of the vagina together and thus making penetration impossible. His method was to teach women how to re-train the pelvic floor to release and relax. I’ve got to admit, I was pretty terrified going into this examination room. The room had no windows and was very white. It was small, and I wasn’t comfortable having this male doctor, I just met, fiddle around with me. I was very tense. On examination he discovered the opening of my vagina was the hotspot for the contractions. Whenever anything even touched the entrance of my vagina, the nerves surrounding it would start spasming, which would make me contract my pelvic floor. He bluntly told me that the nerves were the reason I was contracting, and the chances of me dealing with the Vaginismus were very low, around 15% to 20%. Not only did he discover that the chances of me even having the slightest possibility of engaging in intercourse ever were drastically low, but that the severity of my contractions and the nerve damage up the wall of my vagina meant I had a low chance of ever being able to climax.

I felt on the verge of joining a nunnery. Here I was, 18 years old, and being told I will never be able to comfortably have sex or even be able to experience the sweet sensation of having an orgasm. It was such a difficult experience. He taught me the exercises regardless and I paid my hefty fee and went home and ate 3 blocks of chocolate. I tried doing the exercises at home, but I knew it was in vain. The exercises were painful and I found it difficult to relax. One involved using a dilator (a sort of phallic shaped tube, they come in different sizes, mine was way too big) to stretch the muscle. Another involved a probing stick, I had to place inside my vagina, which would connect to a little battery powered machine that would pick up the strength of my contractions and my ability to release them on command. The theory of the exercise was sound, but the problem was that the probe was the size of a 20 cent coin. I could scarcely fit my finger inside of me without being in agony, and I was expected to do this exercise twice a day. As much as I tried doing these exercises, I was getting nowhere. I didn’t go to my follow up appointment and pretty much gave up. By this point I felt extremely isolated and crushed. I’d given up completely of ever getting married or having children. I was convinced no man would ever want to be with me with my condition. But there came a point after a bit of time, I started accepting and dealing with it all.

I learnt to put the condition out my mind, focusing on something else all the time did prove tiring and emotionally draining. Eventually, after an inspiring conversation with a good family friend, I was convinced to give this thing one more shot.

I discovered an American website forum for woman with Vaginismus and came across a discussion about women’s opinions on treatment through physiotherapy. I went back to my doctor and she referred me to a physio that specialised in the pelvic floor. I called and tried to book an appointment, but they said they couldn’t help me with my Vaginismus, but gave me the details of a professor at the nearest university who actually specialised in sexual pain disorders. Gosh, I nearly hit the roof with excitement. I’d wasted my time and money with an unsympathetic doctor in Sydney, when there was an expert on my condition really just around the corner. I remember the second I got off the phone and emailed this lady. I got a reply pretty quickly, but she unfortunately told me she was retiring and couldn’t help me, but gave me the information for a physiotherapist a little while away that had a program for sexual pain disorders, especially Vaginismus.

The Physiotherapist

I was terrified I was going to get the same result as the last “Specialist” and end up depressed and defeated. But I gathered my courage and booked an appointment. My therapist was wonderful. She was very motherly, and supportive. I remember bursting into tears pretty much the second we started talking about the condition together. She explained to me that yes, I had to learn to relax and control my pelvic floor muscles, but in order to do that, it takes a delicate, tender process. She seemed to be full of solutions. I had an examination and she checked everything out. It was true that I was a bit of a mess, but she was confident that the physiotherapy would assist me greatly. She gave me some minimal pelvic floor exercises to start the ball rolling. There was no force or expectation, she was fantastic, and was able to answer so many questions for me. She told me she had seen 5 other women with my condition that day alone, and compared to me, had it a lot worse - women who had been married for years and never been able to consummate their marriage, or now want to start a family and cant, or even have their marriage on the rocks because of the frustration of the condition. Here I was, this tiny 18 year old, feeling like my life was over, and these women had been suffering for decades and kept silent and dealt with it.

I knew it was going to be a long process, but putting in a lot of time to help assist the problem was better than just accepting that I’d never have a properly intimate relationship. In fact, it was about this time after a few appointments I got my first boyfriend. Something I was sure would never happen. I remember awkwardly blurting out that I couldn’t have sex, just when we started showing interest in each other. And to my complete and utter surprise he said it didn’t matter, he liked me for me, and relationships are so much more than just sex.

I only realise now looking back how lucky I really was. I discovered the problem early on; I sought treatment and found myself in supportive, loving relationship. A lot of women’s journeys were definitely not as easy. Doctors telling them that there’s nothing wrong, information not being available or just accepting something was wrong and dealing with it. After a few more months of treatment, there were a lot of signs of improvement. Every 2 weeks I met up with my physio and we increased the range of my exercises. Every session she would use this device, I can’t entirely remember what it was. It was a kind of frequency device, like an ultrasound machine, that she would turn on and move around the opening of my vagina. This device was my miracle cure. Within 2 sessions the sensitivity around the opening was nearly non-existent. The machine worked on de-sensitising nerves and flattening out uneven nerve endings, or something like that. Having this problem under control, my exercises were easy. I learnt many different relaxation techniques and created a little to do list before I started doing my exercises - have a cup of tea, listen to some music, deep breathing etc. and it was working a treat, the pain was becoming less and the hope was rising.

Sex

I still couldn’t however have intercourse with my very patient boyfriend. Sure, we were having loads of foreplay, but we both really wanted to be able to take the final step. We tried and tried, but the pain was still pretty horrible. But it seemed in all that trying my muscles had started to stretch. Little bit by little bit he was able to go further inside me over a period of time. I kept to my exercises and continued to see my physio, until the glorious day I lost my virginity. It was like magic. Everything I had been working so hard on had finally paid off and I was in such control of my contractions. Ok, so it wasn’t perfect, everything didn’t suddenly work and the problem just disappeared forever. The more sex we had the more comfortable it became and the more stuff we could do. Today things are wonderful between us, but the Vaginismus will never entirely disappear. Some days are better than others when it comes to how much I can do without anything hurting. I think it’s just like any other muscle; it needs to be regularly exercised so it can be stronger. I still haven’t been able to climax, but I certainly do feel sexual pleasure, so I feel like half the battles won in that department, but I’m not impatient, everything happens in time. I’ve not had the pleasure of needing a pap smear just yet, but when the time comes, I’ll make sure I’m properly relaxed and warmed up for it. I stay away from tampons, not because I don’t think they’ll work now, but I still have the painful memory of trying to force them inside me when I was younger, and I don’t particularly want to re-live it again.

I learned a lot about myself from this condition, and how incredibly lucky I am to gain the end result I have. I do think it had a lot to do with me addressing it early and working hard at maintaining my exercises. Also, having a partner who never pressured me into doing anything with him, I really believe that it worked because we trusted and loved each other.

What advice would you give to other young women experiencing difficulty &/or pain with penetration?

If you’ve suffered any of the symptoms that I’ve described at all in my story, fear not! There is help out there. It is hard to find, but there are more women than you think with this condition. I don’t have any statistics, because, well, there aren’t any. It’s one of the most unknown conditions affecting women. I suggest going straight to a physiotherapist or somebody who specialises in the pelvic floor to seek advice or treatment. The treatment I had was called bio-feedback, so when seeking treatment look for this or ask whether they provide it. Don’t be afraid to seek support from the people around you. I kept it very much to myself because of fear and embarrassment, when the best thing to do would have been to sit down and spill my guts to my mum or girlfriends. It’s scary and you shouldn’t have to face it by yourself.

If you do suffer the symptoms of Vaginismus or Vulvadynia, speak up. Ignoring it will only make it worse and there is definitely help out there. There’s a lot of false information out there certainly. With a condition like this, there is no definite cure, and every one on the internets is going to say what they think is right, regardless of what they know or don’t know. Physiotherapy worked for me, but it’s up to you to find your right cure. I think the best way to address it is from a muscular point of view. Sure therapy and counselling may help you, personally I wish I’d looked at it as well, but keep away from psychological cures for a condition which is physical.

Some of the websites that really helped me:

http://livingwithvaginismus.blogspot.com.au/

http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-symptoms

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx

Keep away from websites like this:

http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Vaginismus.html#b

http://www.vaginismus-center.com/vaginismus-causes.asp

All the best girls, and guys reading this, if you come across a girl you think has this, there’s nothing more attractive than a guy who can provide solutions. So spread the word J

*name has been changed.

If you'd like to contribute a story, please contact us via Facebook.

Have Your Sexy Say:

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 01:43:00 +0000

If you have a question or a suggestion for a blog post, post your thoughts below:

Penises/vaginas/anuses, sex acts, fetishes, relationships, communication, casual sex, fuck buddies, techniques, desire, arousal, orgasm, STIs, monogamy, polyamory, ….. THE LIST GOES ON!

Think about what you wish you’d been taught about sex and then ask the questions or suggest a topic! Post it as a comment (you can use your googleID or go anonymous!) and I'll get onto it!

What Women Want (hint: ASK THEM)

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 00:16:00 +0000

So, I’ve been trawling Quora lately and have been absolutely gobsmacked by the amount of people that ask “what turns a woman on?”, “how can I make my g/f wet?”, “how can I make my girl relax and enjoy sex more?”. These are genuine questions, but I can only wonder why they’re directing their answers to the interwebz and not their partners themselves. If you want to know what turns someone on, ask them.

Photo Credit: Joseph Hancock

Now I know that this can be a tricky conversation to have, but it really doesn’t have to be an awkward “sit down - we need to talk” one. Here are some pointers for finding out what your female partner does/doesn’t want you to do:

- Take it slowly – hold your horses, take a few deep breaths and take everything very slowly at first. For example, don’t try to dive straight into fingering her without making sure she’s ready – make sure you take plenty of time to kiss her, touch her, run your hands over her body. Don’t just jump in and expect her to love it. If you try to penetrate her (with a finger/toy/penis) while she’s ‘dry’, it’ll be uncomfortable for the both of you and she’s less likely to want to take it any further.

- ‘Check-in’ with her - While you’re going down on her/fingering her/playing with her nipples – whatever it is you’re doing – ask her if it feels okay, if she wants it faster/harder/slower/softer and be guided by her responses. We don’t expect you to be experts on how to turn us on, and most women appreciate the opportunity to give feedback and feel they’re in control (to some extent!).

- Practice what you preach – tell her what feels good for you, things you’d like to try etc. and she’s likely to follow your lead. Once you start opening up the lines of communication, you might be surprised by the kinds of things that start coming out of her mouth.

- Conversation Killers - NEVER start the conversation with “So, I saw them do this thing in some porn I watched….”. Unless you know she’s into porn or happy for you to watch porn, avoid this one. It’s a sure-fire way to kill the mood.

- Post-play - After you’re finished fooling around/having sex, have a bit of a de-brief. You’ll be be relaxed and (hopefully) sexually satisfied, the bonding & feel-good hormones (oxytocin & dopamine) will be bounding around, so it’s a great time to improve lines of communication. Ask her what she enjoyed, what she wants to try again, if there’s anything else she’s interested in trying. Ask her specific questions about things you want feedback on, and make sure you take it on board for next time.

So these pointers are more about 'how to find out what turns her on', rather than 'how to turn her on' - I'll do another blog entry about things that COMMONLY turn women on, but obviously it's always preferable to find out from the woman herself rather than a blanket approach!

P.S. - If you haven't checked out Quora, you definitely should. It's basically a question-and-answer community and has an amazing and extensive sex/sexuality section. Get onto it. & while you're at it, follow me: http://www.quora.com/Giverny-Lewis.

Not all porn is created equal

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 07:03:00 +0000

This blog was going to be short snippets of information, but as soon as I sat down to write about ‘what I wish I’d been told about porn’ I couldn’t stop. The following is a basic run-down with some recommendations, but I’ll definitely be writing more about this topic in the future – any suggestions and comments are always welcome! So, let’s get porny! - (expandable post is NSFW)

(Source)

A very recent study found 64% of Australian young people aged 15-29 had accessed porn for information on sexual health (1). I’m sure the stats are much higher for how many had ‘ever accessed porn’, but what struck me is that they’re accessing porn for information about sexual health, which can be interpreted as including info on safe sex, types of sex acts, healthy relationships, sexuality, consent and pleasure. Many young people can use porn as a kind of ‘how-to’ guide for sex acts, positions, techniques and partner selection, and without any other sources of information, this can become an issue.

Porn is often criticised for contributing to the sexual objectification of women, encouraging sexual violence, continuing sexual myths about both men and women (such as that men are always hard), and failing to reflect the importance of consent and negotiation within sex acts (2). Porn is a great way to explore different types of sex acts, and find out what does/doesn’t turn you on, but it’s important to remember that porn stars are ACTORS, the sex acts are DIRECTED and they do not often reflect real sexual experiences (in how they look, feel, start or end). As long as you keep this in mind, there’s a whole world of pornography that can be explored and can enrich your sexual experiences.

Pornography needs to be part of a “larger sexual space and sexual experimentation” (3), and unlike some alarmists about pornography, I know that young people are able to critically view and understand pornography – we’re not passive viewers, we are active viewers (in many senses of the word!). We can actually evaluate what is realistic/unrealistic, acceptable/unacceptable, appropriate/inappropriate and respond accordingly - and, ofcourse, these responses will be slightly different for each individual.

So, while I recognise that we can be active and critical in our experiences of pornography, there are some key things to remember (especially if you’ve never viewed pornography and are interested in it)!

1. If it’s not on, it’s …. on? – One obvious feature of mainstream heterosexual pornography is the absence of condoms. The porn industry demands incredibly stringent STI testing of all their actors/performers and any outbreaks are responded to immediately.

(Source)

There is ongoing debate over whether porn actors should be required to wear condoms, and I would be in full support of condoms becoming mandatory. Even with the frequent swapping between vaginal and anal penetration in the majority of mainstream heterosexual porn, they fail to show essential precautionary measures which must be taken such as washing &/or using new condoms for each ‘swap’. While porn is clearly not responsible for the actions of sexually active young people, there is an obvious opportunity to showcase a range of potentially pleasurable activities in a SAFE and RESPONSIBLE way (which the industry is currently failing to do). Without undergoing similar stringent testing demanded of porn actors (both male and female), young people who are ‘inspired’ by porn to try different acts, are putting themselves and their partners at high risk of contracting and transmitting STI’s.

In short, I know all the manly porn actors are doing it, but don’t go condom-less. Using condoms can mean an awkward conversation to have, and an even more awkward fumble in the heat of the moment to stop for backup, but it’s essential if you want to look after yourself and your partner(s). Despite all the bad press they get, sex with condoms can be incredibly pleasurable (NB: USE LUBE! & studded/textured if you’re willing!), make for an easier ‘clean up’ afterwards and may mean that, gentlemen, you can go for longer. Who’s going to complain about that?

2. When they says it’s a performers ‘first time’ or they’re a ‘virgin’: they lie.

A lot of porn can be appealing to virgins because it advertises itself as showing ‘her first time’. But just know that this is almost never the case (and if it is, I would have serious concerns about her willingness to be a part of the porn in the first place). It plays on sexualised notions of ‘purity’, and on our culture’s obsession with men taking virginity away from women, disempowering them and turning them into ‘whores’ for male pleasure. It also reinforces the myth that the virgin pussy is the tightest you can get and therefore the most pleasurable (for the man, ofcourse).

What’s amazing is that the female virgin in porn appears to lubricate naturally and almost instantly, never experiences pain on penetration, is happy and comfortable to try multiple positions, and is incredibly sexually skilled. The reason? She’s not a virgin. This is not her ‘first time’, and you shouldn’t expect the first time for any woman to be like this.

3. The porno-fied body:

Want to look like a porn star? Get ready for a whole world of pain. While it’s very clear that women in porn are generally chosen for their barbie-esque proportions of big hair, huge tits, tiny waist and long legs, what we don’t often hear about is how they’re also chosen for their vulvas. The porn vag is always enclosed by very small labia (the 2 sets of lips outside the vagina), which are both even in length, smooth and hairless, the clitoris is neat and tucked away and the vagina itself is small. The men in porn are almost always reduced to their penis (which of course is always large and always hard). They are always circumcised, always ‘ready’ for sex, and are never flaccid, never have difficulty maintaining erection, and their ejaculation is never premature.

In reality, our bodies are never this neat and reliable. Labia are completely individual and often uneven (there is an amazing degree of variation!), the clitoris can be large or small, protruding or concealed under its hood, and the entrance to the vagina may be ruffled, puckered or open. The penis can be large or small (and this changes whether it’s erect or flaccid – some grow more than others with erection), thick or thin, straight or curved, circumcised or uncircumcised. All these variations are normal and functional.

So don’t be embarrassed if you don’t look like a porn star – most of us don’t. And don’t expect your partners to look like porn stars – most of them won’t. And to be honest, I don’t think we’d want to.

4. Roughing it

The first time I watched porn I was actually surprised by how forceful a lot of the acts were. There was a huge amount of thrashing, pounding, grabbing, and fast & deep penetration which looked violent at times. And, ofcourse, these acts are always happening to women – things are done to them rather than with them, and there is a definite power imbalance. While I could rant on and on about the sexism and patriarchal structures inherent in mainstream heterosexual porn, I won’t.

The take-home message is that unless you’re in agreement that one person will be dominant and one submissive (or however many people are involved), sex is more often a balanced negotiation. While first-time sex is often in missionary position with the man on top, it’s important to communicate how slow or fast you want to be going and be guided by your partner aswell. Any forced entry, rough and hard sex in the early stages (without proper relaxation and lubrication) is likely to result in pain and potentially some bleeding for the woman, as well as discomfort for the man (especially if uncircumcised, as the foreskin will be forced back). So, take it slow, don’t expect to be having rough, pounding sex first-up, and you’ll gradually find out how much of this you want to explore.

PORN FOR NON-PORNERS:
If you’re not too keen on the heterosexual mainstream porn which bombards you, or you just want to expand your horizons, check out these suggestions:

Amateur Porn – The now wide-spread access to webcams, high-quality streaming and paid online sex services, means that more individuals and couples are signing up & logging in to showcase their sex lives. www.cam4.com is a huge website with different categories of Male, Female, Couples, Transgender & Party. You can watch anonymously, or sign up for an account to comment and pay for certain ‘acts’ to be done by the subjects. There’s a huge range of cam-based porn sites and they suit a huge range of tastes.

Queer porn – Obviously most porn sites have a ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’ and ‘transgender’ section, but there’s a key actor in the GLBTQ scene who is absolutely incredible – Buck Angel is a transgender male who has kept his vagina. He runs ‘Buck Angel Entertainment’ and calls himself “The man with a pussy”. As far as transgender porn seems to be male-to-female actors, Buck Angel breaks the mould and makes some really creative porn.

Couples porn or ‘women’s porn: I hate these terms as they indicate that women are not turned on both ‘mainstream porn’ and that they shouldn’t be entitled to watch it. However, it has opened up a whole new world of porn which caters for different tastes. Here’s my pick of the bunch:

Youporn, Pornotube and Redtube ‘couples’ tabs – have a browse and see if something takes your fancy. While they’re usually not real couples, they tend to focus on both men and women rather than just women.

DaneJones – Describes itself as “sensually-explicit, high quality, creative erotica”. Not sure about that, but it’s definitely a lot slower than most mainstream hetero porn, with a lot more kissing and touching. A bit more couple-y and definitely well-made. They have a range of videos on YouPorn – have a squiz.

Tristan Taormino’s Chemistry – Tristan Taormino has won several Feminist Porn Awards. ‘Chemistry’ is a film made with porn stars who decide who, when and how to have sex – like ‘Big Brother’ on crack.

Candida Royalle Films ( Femme Productions) – bit more romance, no hard-core insertion shots.

Comstock Films – real couples and includes an interview with them.

AbbyWinters.com – female masturbation (solo and partnered), girl-on-girl sex.

There's a really expansive user-produced list here: http://www.quora.com/Pornography/What-is-the-best-porn-site-for-women-and-why

REFERENCES:

1. The Australian Youth Affair Coalition and Youth Empowerment Against HIV/AIDS, June 2012, Let’s Talk About Sex: Young People’s Views on sex and sexual health in Australia, LINK

2. Flood, M (2009), ‘The Harm of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People’, Child Abuse Review, 18 (384-400), LINK.

3. Johansson, T. & Hammaren, N. (2007), ‘Hegemonic masculinity and pornography: young people’s attitudes toward and relations to pornography’, Journal of Men’s Studies 15: (57–70), LINK.

Have criteria for sexual partners

noreply@blogger.com (Giverny) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 04:12:00 +0000

Draft up a checklist (physically or mentally) of what qualities you want in a sexual partner. Whether they're an anonymous fling, a casual affair or a long-term relationship, it's important to be conscious of what you will and won't unzip for.

Age, intelligence level and marital status are a good place to start, but also factor in sexual attraction, apparent cleanliness and, on a big night out, a guestimate of their blood-alcohol level. Your criteria should be partner-specific, but also condition-specific. If the partner is ‘perfect’ but the conditions are dubious (you’re in a rush, others are in earshot, or the location is dodgy), give it a miss. You’ll be distracted and uncomfortable throughout the whole experience, very unlikely to experience significant arousal, and even less likely to cum.

Also think about what the purpose of the sex is - is it for fun? power? revenge? to try something new? What are THEIR reasons for wanting to have sex? This will determine what kind of partner you should go with.

Lastly, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If someone seems dodgy, coercive or aggressive, avoid them like the plague (unless you're into that). Similarly, if they're needy, anxious and insecure, probably better to skip the sex. You could end up with a big mess on your hands.

Make sure you stick to your criteria - it's an important benchmark to make sure you have some power over who you fuck, when & how. Sex is wonderful - you deserve to have the kinds of sex you want.

What are YOUR criteria?