Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

Lightening Bolts

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 22:42:00 +0000

I have some big news and I don’t want to get into the details too much here, but I do hope you are sitting down.

While my heart breaks, I have to tell you that I have chosen to leave Jeffrey and separate from him for the time being. Sophie and I will be staying at my parents’ house. I do hope that this situation is not permanent, as I still love him very much and I know that Jeff loves me and Sophie very much. And this will be very, very hard to understand, especially because I am not willing to divulge the details, but let’s just say that Jeff has some very serious issues that he needs to work out and for the emotional and mental health of me and Sophie, I have decided that it is best to give him the time and space he needs to do that (IF he chooses to actually work out those issues, which is unclear at the moment).

My parents happen to be in Florida vacationing with some of my mom’s brothers and sisters for the next TWO WEEKS (I dropped them off at the airport EARLY Saturday morning), and so that means it also happens that their beautiful, safe home is vacant and waiting to welcome me and Sophie. So really, that was a win-win. (And my parents are the most awesome, generous, supportive people in the whole entire worlds so of course they have told me that we can stay with them as long as we want or need to). Now, my parents live about 30min. south of me which means Sophie and I will have some long commutes coming up (in order to get her to school on time), but I used to do a 45 minute commute every day, and millions of Americans do at least that type of commute constantly (some much longer) so I really shouldn’t complain; it will just be hard to get used to.

This is certainly NOT a decision I made lightly. In fact, I’ve been praying to God to send me lightening bolts over the past year. “Please Lord, TELL me what to do. What is YOUR will? SHOW me the right way. GIVE me the answer. PLEASE!” And the thought came to me: “Farrell, I have sent you about 80 billion lightening bolts over the past year, and now I am giving you a free, fully furnished, safe house that you love and are familiar with, all you have to do is stock the fridge; I really don’t know what else I can do for you…” and then I knew the time was NOW and if I didn’t leave NOW I would be STUCK forever and ever. So on Saturday night, I did just that.

And I realize how incredibly LUCKY I am to have the unwavering support of my friends, family and Pastor. And to have resources available to me, financially and physically and emotionally, in order to help get me through this difficult time, especially as Jeff has already shown some actions of vengeance and anger (but nothing close to physical; that was never, ever a concern, I want to be clear about that) that have highlighted his immaturity.

Fuck, I really don't want to write another divorce blog.

Sophie was at her dad’s this weekend so I literally just told her the news about an hour and a half ago. And there were lots and lots and lots of tears. And it broke my heart. And I fretted about this and I gave her a really high level overview, which included the basics of what I said here – that Jeff has issues to work out on his own; this is best for now; I’m hoping it’s not permanent; we still love each other; it has NOTHING to do with you or Ethan; Grandma and Grandpa support me; Pastor supports me; my friends support me; your school and activities and friends won’t change…let’s go to the fancy French bakery and get some cookies.

And then Sophie asked about the dog. Oh, my Kylie. The second love of my life (after Sophie). Jeff and I are going to fight over this dog; I took the dog with me when I left and then Jeff took her back from me on Sunday. But he’s going out of town tomorrow overnight for work so Sophie and I get to keep her.

Jamie has been eerily nice about the whole thing. I’m sure his mind is churning.

I feel like I’ve lived an entire year in the past 3 days.

I thank my friends for putting up with me. For answering my texts, my calls, for talking through things with me. For listening. For being there. For advising. For loving me unconditionally and supporting me unconditionally.

Nesting

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 10 Jan 2017 15:43:00 +0000

Well I think I have my insomnia tackled. I haven’t been napping and I haven’t drank coffee in the afternoon, other than my one cup after lunch, and I am able to fall asleep, so that is good. I feel like my Lexapro is working and I’m wondering if it gives me energy, or if I have extra energy because it’s increasing my serotonin levels which is making me feel less depressed which is automatically giving me more energy.

So what I did on New Year’s Eve is take EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) out of our basement storage area, put it in the basement, go through it, create a pile for goodwill (2 trips with my SUV loaded to the brim), create a pile for trash, and consolidate bins (I have empty bins!!!). It felt really, really good to get that done but it was hard work because I was doing it single handedly and now for the first time in my life I feel like I actually know where everything is in my house! (except in the garage – that’s Jeff’s domain, but it’s fairly organized).

I really, really should have taken a “before” picture but here is what it looked like when I pulled everything out:

Basically, you could not even WALK into the storage area without tripping over shit. Like, literally. This area, right here? Under the stairs? Used to be filled with thrown luggage, Xmas tree box, and other crap.

Nice crack in foundation, eh? (It’s sealed but unattractive).
I swept the entire room out and consolidated items. For goodwill:

Trash:

New look:

Everything labeled! Everything on a shelf! Empty bins on top! Empty shelf! (Yes we have 5 bins of Xmas decorations. Oiy vey).

Yes we still have too many vases but…some of them are really nice and I don’t want to get rid of them!

If you know me, and you know how unorganized I usually am (except at work), you know what a HUGE accomplishment this was for me! I even did our little storage area next to this too!

In unrelated news, do you save your American Girl Doll boxes? I haven’t been but I have two I could save…yay or nay?

Mr. Sandman, Where Are You??

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:25:00 +0000

So I just discovered that my Lexapro can cause insomnia. Lucky me, it seems to be one of the side effects I am having. YAY.

Actually, here’s the complicated part. It COULD be the Lexapro or it COULD be that my sleep schedule is off anyway because I was off from work on break and then because I was sick I was sleeping in (sleeping in for me is 8am) and then because I was sick and tearing through the house on an organization rampage, I would wear myself out and then take a long nap and then because I took a long nap I then couldn’t fall asleep at night and…it’s a vicious cycle.

It’s quite unusual for me to have insomnia, despite my anxiety. Literally, I can fall asleep on a plane before it even leaves the ground. Last night, Ethan couldn’t sleep so he came into our bed and the boys were tossing and turning and it was crowded and I was hot and even though I tried listening to my meditation music, I was still laying there, so then I went to the basement guestroom and did more of the same and well basically I’m on 5 hours of sleep right now. I typically get 7, and I NEED 9. I will make it through today but tomorrow might be a disaster. Again, not sure if it’s the meds, or if it is circumstance. Problem is of course that if I can’t sleep, I can’t wake up early enough to work out and if I can’t run I can’t regulate my emotions…coupled with lack of sleep, the not running increases my anxiety and jitteriness and no I do NOT want to add sleep meds ON TOP OF my current meds. So, we will see what happens tonight and if I STILL can’t sleep I will throw a temper tantrum. And then call my doctor before I fall apart. Yes I could try melatonin. Or maybe just take the Lexapro in the morning instead of at night?

A blogger friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder and I didn’t even know that existed. It has been suggested to me by friends and doctors that I could POSSIBLY be bipolar though I have never received an official diagnosis as such. And I typically dismissed this as I do not see myself as exhibiting mania. But then this acquaintance mentioned “hypomania” which is a symptom of Bipolar II and it’s basically a milder form of mania – like having lots of energy and wanting to keep moving and do stuff and I’m also wondering if my recent ‘nesting’ and organizing is a side effect of my Lexapro, or perhaps the serotonin is giving me more energy because I’m not as depressed and so it means I’m more interested in doing things or maybe it is hypomania and oh I don’t know; it’s so complicated.

Release

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 16:20:00 +0000

Let’s hope 2017 doesn’t suck as much as 2016, eh? Who’s with me??!

So today is my first day back to work after having been off since the 23^rd of December. The proper way to do this would be to divide into several posts, and maybe I will but since I didn’t write over the holidays, I have a bunch of shit going through my head and I need to get it out.

First off I wonder if Jeff reads this blog even though I never told him about it. He found out about it from my a-hole old work friends who no longer hang out with me for some unknown reason (maybe because I’m crazy?) and they couldn’t keep their damn mouths shut.

I have to bitch about men for a minute.

First off, Jamie just called me re: Sophie schedule. I asked him if he received the email about my February trip to California. Basically, I get a free trip to California because we are having our company holiday party in Orange County, where I grew up, where one of our new offices is. So I wanted to add some time on to that trip to visit with Jackie and Kim. And I found a good flight so I booked it (I’m still conscious about $ even on the company dime). And then I told Jamie my dates. This was before Xmas or just after, and the trip isn’t until Feb. 8. So he has a good 7 weeks notice. And on the phone he goes, “Yeah I did get your email but in the future can you please discuss those dates with me before you book?” Oh I’m sorry – 7 weeks isn’t enough for you? I can’t control the date my company sets for the holiday party, and I’m sorry, are you asking me to GET YOUR PERMISSION before scheduling MY vacation? Okay yeah I get it – he has to take over Sophie care but she’s HIS KID TOO. Now I can let it go, thank you.

On to MY lovely hubby. I got sick on NYE. Not from drinking; I still haven’t drank since August. But sick like cold sick. Runny nose, headache, cough, sore throat – all of that. Fun stuff, right? But STILL over break I was ‘nesting’ like crazy and had a deep, deep desire to get our fucking house organized. I’ll go more into it on a different post (with photos!) but basically on NYE my hubby was hungover so he sat on the couch the entire day watching TV while I literally tore our fucking basement apart. Granted, in his defense, this wasn’t a plan we BOTH made; it was all me and I needed to get it done but once started he didn’t bother to help and although he SAW my pile of trash, my pile to Goodwill, he then got upset last night because I gave away an ugly-ass mirror that’s been in our basement since I moved in, because he wanted it for his office. AND he kept bugging me to stop and take a break so we could binge-watch Shameless on Netflix and I was like, “I don’t start projects and not finish them” and he was like “that is the whole point of a project” and I was like, “Um, no.” And this is why I’m not down with his “here’s the deal” with our kitchen where he wants to do it himself with his buddy Leo. I look around our house and see all the unfinished projects and don’t want to live with my kitchen torn up for a year. Besides, I’m sick of talking about the fucking kitchen when nothing ever happens with it.

Our Christmas was nice, how was yours? I am blessed to have two kids who really don’t ask for too much and who both said they had an awesome Christmas because they got what they wanted. Ethan only asked for one thing – paintball guns, which he got (how could you not get the kid the one thing he asked for? Unless he was asking for say a Maserati or something), and because he didn’t ask for anything else, it was actually very difficult to shop for him.

As a joint parent gift, we got Sophie her very own iPad which she needs for school next year. I’m back to bitching about men for a second. Jamie and I agreed to split the cost but I found the deal and I paid for it and I had it shipped to my house and I wrapped it and he hasn’t paid me back yet. So I’m out the money and now he was given a ‘heads up’ by his job that his position is going to be eliminated – no date set yet – and then TT got laid off just before Christmas which really fucking blows and I do feel bad enough that I don’t want to bug him about the money but I don’t feel SO bad because I’m assuming they got severance and also they have at least three income properties so there must be money coming in from that and here is a new year’s resolution, dealing with the same issue:

Jamie and I agree to split, 50/50, all of Sophie’s activities and medical bills. I keep an Excel spreadsheet with the activity, month paid, total due, each due, who paid what, and who owes who what. Because money is important to me because I don’t have a ton of it. And even though I put that spreadsheet on Google Drive for us and even though I end up emailing it to him once a month because he tends to wait until it all evens out, meanwhile I’m in the red because I’ve been shelling out cash and he hasn’t paid me back. Yes, I understand there are things he paid for and didn’t tell me like some sick doc visits and basketball but I am the one keeping track and every time I send the spreadsheet he says he has to ‘dig’ to see what he’s paid for that I haven’t. Fine, that’s fair. Right now I have it that he owes me $1300 and minus what he’s paid for and I haven’t it might only be $600 or whatever but the point is only one of us is tracking it and that means the $ isn’t as big of a deal to the person NOT tracking it, you catch my drift? So here is the new year’s resolution of mine:

From now on, I’m paying half, direct, to whoever it’s due to, and I will tell him he owes the other half by X date. Ex: Musical Theater dues for Spring are coming up this month and I will write a check for exactly half the amount directly to Musical Theater and then tell him to do the same, instead of doing what I usually do which is write the full amount and have him owe me.

Okay, enough about money; nobody likes to make that shit public.

What else did I have? Um, I guess the rest should remain private; I’m getting more private lately. I’ve already revealed too much.

Oh, here’s the last thing. Different topic. No, wait – a couple of things.

1 – Did I tell you my psych put me on Lexapro? On top of my Pristiq? (As if this isn’t private but whatever you guys already know I’m on anti-depressants). So, I’ve been on Pristiq forever which is an SNRI? And it boosts your norepinephrine. I asked about Wellbutrin because some of my friends are on it and love it and I know that it can help you quit smoking which I want to do before I’m 40 (which is in 3 months) so I asked about that even though I’ve tried it before I’m not sure I gave it a fair shot (it didn’t work then) but my psych didn’t recommend it for me because it works on dopamine and can make people MORE anxious. So instead she put me on Lexapro which works on serotonin. And why the fuck isn’t there a simple blood test for this shit instead of a big guessing game? Like, here, we’ll prick you and now we know: you need more or less dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine. I’ve been told there actually IS but since the brain is so fucking complicated it might not be that reliable and insurance doesn’t usually cover? I don’t know. I think my new med is working because the past two times I went to my counselor I didn’t have much to say, which is actually a good thing because it means things are calm, but then I had a mini-breakdown on NYE-eve and I don’t know what the hell that was about (I was getting sick, stuck at home, not enough social time outside of Jeff, the dog and Sophie?) but Jackie made me feel better and reminded me that I am still grieving and grief is not linear and it comes in waves and well that night it hit me like a tsunami and I SOBBED over Summar for 90 minutes and sometimes I just feel like I don’t know how to navigate life without her, even though I know she is helping navigate from above. Anyway, Jackie made me feel better and like I wasn’t that crazy and that it didn’t necessarily mean my meds weren’t working.

2 – I started the nicotine patch because of my ‘quit before I’m 40’ goal and also you know you are a fucking addict when you are excited to spend QT with your daughter over break and not be stressed about work but then you think holy shit how will I smoke? So on the patch I can go like up to 7 hours without thinking of a cigarette (though if I get the opportunity, I will take it). Normally I think of it every 2-4 hours.

3 – I had something else…what was it? Oh! Yeah. Friends. So. I’m a loser and I’ve lived in St. Louis for the past 15 ½ years but I still don’t really feel like I have friends here; I feel closer to people in Portland like Summar’s friend LeAnn than I do to people here and I don’t really have a gfriend I can just call up and say, “Hey let’s go to lunch and get our nails done!” and this makes me a bad daughter because I’m sure my mom feels the same and I don’t do that with her because I am somewhat guarded with her because she is my mom and also I need friends my own age too and basically I suck and I don’t know how to make new friends. And remember I have ONE free night a week, that is all, so hobbies and book clubs and volunteering are probably not going to cut it for me. And I feel the same about Soph. She’s halfway through the semester at her new school and she loves it and says the kids are the nicest kids she’s ever been around and she has people to eat lunch with and hang out with at recess, but every time I ask her if she wants to invite someone from school over, she says no, because she assumes they are busy, and she also hasn’t received any invites either. She is like me. She has a couple of close friends and that’s it but that makes it hard over break when she’s just stuck with lame ol’ mom and that’s why I worry she has more fun at her dad’s because at least she has her brother Sutton to play with. I don’t want to be one of those mom’s who is overly concerned with her child’s social calendar (ahem, Marcy), but still I was hoping this new, smaller, more close-knit school would help expand Sophie’s friendships (and mine too, selfishly), but that hasn’t happened for either of us. But it doesn’t seem to get Sophie down so maybe it shouldn’t get me down either.

Thanks for listening, gotta get productive.

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 19 Dec 2016 14:35:00 +0000

We had a lazy, lazy weekend.

We had a little ice storm on Friday – it took Sophie’s BFF Taylor more than TWO HOURS to make it to our house on Friday night for a sleepover; it normally takes 20 minutes. It took me 45 minutes to get the pizza; it normally takes 10. Oh, the things we do for our children. It’s okay though – when Taylor finally arrived, we invited her mom in (we are friends) to have pizza and hang out and wait for the traffic to die down.

Oh yeah and klutzy idiot (me) was running to get the mail and slipped on the ice on our driveway and now I have a huge bump and bruise on my elbow, and on my butt. I totally ate it. The next morning I felt as if I had gotten beaten up in a bar fight. I was sore all over. Even my neck and shoulders.

Saturday, Sophie went to her dad’s and I met my sister in laws for a late lunch and a movie. We saw Manchester by the Sea. DO NOT see this movie. Yeah I know – critics are raving about it. I HATED it; my SILs loved it. NOTHING happens in that movie. The only stuff that DOES happen already DID happen, and is shown through flashbacks. There is hardly any dialogue. It’s depressing as all get out. Seriously, I left the theater thinking, “Jeez, life really DOES suck.” Not what I needed to see.

Sunday Jeff & I binge-watched Shameless on Netflix. But first I did some laundry and a bit of errands; I found some extra stuff for Sophie at TJ Maxx – I already bought her too much. I bought stocking stuffers for the kids and then we had other presents to wrap for other people. Now our tree is full and I don’t know where the Santa gifts will go! So I ran errands, wrapped and did some laundry but I did NOT clean the house and even though I am working today which is why Sophie is at Grandma & Grandpa’s, I will do a quick clean. The house is disgusting.

I feel kind of guilty for being lazy this weekend, but not totally. Yesterday’s high was 14 degrees. What ELSE are you supposed to do in that kind of weather but hibernate??!

I didn’t even bother showering yesterday (!)

Maybe I shouldn’t announce that.

Too late.

I did get a shit ton of sleep though:)

Oh, and this little bugger got into my shopping bags and found herself an early Xmas present!

Also, I was having issues with my blog comments, but I think I’ve fixed it. So if you commented and it didn’t show up, I apologize. It should show up now.

Trying to Reign in the Crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 14:58:00 +0000

I can’t seem to get a hold of my emotions lately. I’m up, then I’m down. In an instant.

I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday morning. Last time we opted not to change my meds, Pristiq, because I was going through so much. And I can’t tell if my feelings lately are situational/circumstantial or true depression. Maybe a switch would be good; I have been on Pristiq for years and years and years.

Or maybe it is just the holidays, this terrible year coming to a close, a mini mid-life crisis, winter time and it’s dark and cold, or maybe all of the above?

Missing Summar

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 14:56:00 +0000

Oh I'm missing Summar Breeze extra, extra much this week. Had another crying fit last night. Not sure why this week is so hard.

Unfit

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 14:55:00 +0000

Monday night I threw a temper tantrum over correcting Sophie’s 6^th grade math homework. I asked Jeff if he wanted to split it with me and he said no, but later he said he was joking. I got frustrated and threw a tantrum. I’m unfit to be a mother. My mood went downhill so fast and then I had a crying fit after Sophie went to bed, alone in the sunroom, because I missed Summar so much. This was definitely not WWSD (What Would Summar Do?). I was filled with self-loathing and now I worry I’ve ruined my daughter and she already has anxiety and OCD because of me and I did nothing to make it better. How can I teach her how to behave when I act like that?

I even scared the dog because I was being loud with the pots and pans. Throwing them around in the cabinet and sink.

I feel terrible.

I am hard to love.

Some Happy Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:57:00 +0000

We had a great time yesterday over at Grandma & Papa’s to put together their village. It really made their day, which makes me happy. I invited Sutton to come with us, since I was picking Sophie up from her dad’s anyway. He was a doll. It only took 5 years for him to warm up to me, LOL! I can’t believe he’s going to be SIX in two months – time sure does fly!

Here are some pics:)

A Case of the Mondays

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 05 Dec 2016 16:34:00 +0000

Because I’m an idiot, I dropped my iphone in the toilet this morning. I had no rice in the house and tried to put it in a box of pasta and then the box fell apart and penne noodles spilled out all over the table and floor and then I yelled “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?” and then I woke my husband up with my temper tantrum, scared the dog who has a hurt foot, and my 12-year old daughter came out, grabbed the broom from me and told me to go take a walk.

So I did. And I went to the little forest area around the corner with my coffee and cigarettes and I sat down and cried.

I can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions these days.

Sophie is exhibiting some increased OCD ticks and it’s my genes to blame. She has all of my worst traits – OCD, anxiety, eating/food issues, perfectionism, worry-wart, etc. Not to mention that she’s clearly growing up in a dysfunctional home witnessing her mother throwing temper tantrums because life just isn’t going her way that moment.

I suck.

I’m an idiot.

I’m ready for a mid-life crisis.

I don’t like myself and I don’t like my life and nothing is turning out the way I thought it would or how I wanted it and I can’t fix it, nobody can.

I am thankful for the few people in this world who DO love me unconditionally.

FUCK IT

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 05 Dec 2016 02:00:00 +0000

So after coming home from Portland, I wrote out "instructions for when I'm gone" which listed which songs I wanted played at my funeral and who could be in charge of my digital footprint, the flowers, the artsy/craftsy element. But I think you know what, just fuck it.
Nobody will come anyway.
Just throw my body in a lake and weigh me down.

This is what happens to my mood when I have allergies so bad I can't work out in three days.

409 friends on Facebook and not a single fucking friend to call when I miss my best friend so bad I just want to crawl into a deep, dark hole and cry.

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND!!!!

Grief Through Music

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 19:32:00 +0000

Here are some of the songs I have been listening to lately. Well, basically every day. I get up early and I let the dog out and I have my coffee out on the back deck and I look at the sky and I watch these videos and I “talk to God.” And to Summar.

Oceans by Hillsong United

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

Broken Hallelujah by The Afters

Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott

I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe

Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt…

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 31 Oct 2016 15:15:00 +0000

I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when someone passes, pain is pain – it does not matter if you knew it was going to happen, if you knew it was coming, or if it happens suddenly.

Summar passed on Friday afternoon, October 28^th. I was shocked at how painful it was to hear the news, given that she had been on hospice for nearly six weeks and I knew that awful, awful call was coming. It didn’t matter one single bit that I knew it was coming; the pain and the hurt didn’t care one iota. I STILL wasn’t prepared. The pain was PHYSICAL for me. I felt as if my guts were being ripped out from my being.

And on Saturday morning, when I woke up early to let the dog out, for a millisecond I forgot. I forgot that Summar was no longer here on Earth, with us. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed and sobbed on the back deck. It was awful. It was like hearing the news all over again. That is not a day I want to repeat.

My Heart Hurts. My Heart is Broken.

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 31 Oct 2016 15:01:00 +0000

Summar Breeze Ruelle with Pascal Ruelle.
October 28 at 8:40pm · Beaverton, OR ·
Today's update is one I never wanted to make. Summar Breeze took her last breath and is finally at peace and pain free. She is loved by so many and will truly be missed. There's so much more I want to write but have no words as the Love of my Life and mother of our two amazing children was taken to soon. A Celebration of Life date will be shared soon

Pascal Ruelle

Sweet Sophie

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 12:47:00 +0000

Sophie has been her usual sweet self through this time. Sorry I haven’t written. I just…well, I’ve written, but privately. On Tuesday, I had the opportunity to speak with Pascal, Nancy and even Summar. But I want to keep the conversation private. I was grateful for the opportunity but I spent the rest of the day in tears, because it made everything more real, you know? Not that they are EVER off my mind. No, not for one second. I have been throwing myself into work; I am a task master and I am thankful for the distraction. But then I get up to go get some coffee or something and I think of something Summar said to me and I get tears in my eyes. Or, I’ll be driving around fine, jamming to some tunes, and then all of the sudden, it hits me again and I well up.

I have been thinking a lot about death and dying and heaven and angels and whether loved ones can come back after they die – or even just before they die – to give you a message; to visit you. And I think it’s very selfish of me that I want Summar to be able to visit me from Heaven after she gets there, just because it will make ME feel better. It’s selfish but I still want it very, very badly. If you have any stories like this, please share them with me. Or books you would recommend about it. My (deceased) grandma came to me once in my dreams and I think I’ve written about it before but I will tell you again if you’d like to hear it.

Anyway, Tuesday I was INCONSOLABLE. I was working from home and when Sophie and Grandma Sue walked through the door (she tutors once a week), Sophie immediately asked me, “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Because my eyes were all red and puffy from crying all afternoon, and she noticed right away. And I just told her that I had talked to Pascal and Nancy and even Summar and I told her what Summar said to me and I told her that I was so glad to talk to all of them but that it also made me sad. I think they call this “anticipatory grief.” And I even went to lay down and nap but all I could do was cry, cry, cry. And when I got up, Sophie said, “Mommy, I am so sad that you are sad and I want to make you feel better but I just don’t know what to do.” And it was just so sweet and thoughtful how she said it. I told her to just give me a hug; I really like hugs.

She’s been asking questions and I’ve been answering honestly, while also not giving too many details. For instance, at first Sophie did not understand that Summar going on hospice meant that she would no longer be under treatment, and that her Cancer would just do what it is doing, without any intervention to stop it or stall it or calm it. She knows that Summar will go to heaven soon. She, like all of us, feels sad for Pascal but also especially Jayden (age 9) and Sapphire (age 7). Sophie asked me to text Pascal and relay this simple message to Summar: “Summar, I love you. From, Sophie.” And so I did.

Friends Forever

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Thu, 06 Oct 2016 14:22:00 +0000

Summar made this for me when we were in High School. Then Tom got it framed for me as a gift. I'm going to hang it up again.

It came true. We ARE friends forever.

I Want to Remember…

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 21:12:00 +0000

I left Portland very early in the morning on Friday, September 30^th. I caught a ride to the airport with Summar’s dad, even though my flight was later. So, even though I did get to give Summar a hug and a kiss on Friday morning (at 4:30am!!), our real goodbye was Thursday night and not surprisingly I dissolved into tears.

You know what really got me?! Summar thanked me for being her best friend.

“Thank you for being my best friend,” she said to me as we hugged.

I still get choked up thinking about it.

SHE thanked ME.

Oh God.

And now I’m crying again and there is a giant lump in my throat.

…

Okay, I’m back.

Having Summar in my life has been one of my biggest blessings. I love her like a sister; I feel our souls are connected. She has stood by me through thick and thin, for the past 30 years. That’s a long time folks. We grew up together. She’s been there for me through each milestone of my life, and has supported and encouraged me every step along the way.

She stood by me when I was being bullied in 6^th and 7^th grade. She listened to me gush about my main crush for THREE years in High School. We even spent an entire summer double-dating, between freshman and sophomore year (I dated her boyfriend’s best friend). She came to my college graduation and helped talk my mom off a ledge when she found out I hadn’t packed a single damn thing and had instead spent the last week of school getting drunk. Summar stood up for me as a bridesmaid at my first wedding and danced all night long, broken foot and all. Summar flew to St. Louis after I had Sophie and held her and held her and I knew she would make a wonderful, devoted mother (and she’s proven me right). Summar listened to me bitch and moan about Jamie and TT endlessly and never once told me to “get over it” or “let it go.” Summar was joyfully excited for me when I met Jeff and she basically saved our wedding by running back to get the rings when Ethan forgot them!

These are just the things that popped into my head right now – one paragraph does not even come close to describing a life-long friendship.

Oh man. I thought I had dry eye – I was told I had severe dry eye and I couldn’t produce tears. Well let me tell you, I produced more tears this week than I ever have before. And my sadness remains and one moment I’ll be fine and then next I’ll think of Summar and Pascal and the kids – those beautiful kids who I would jump in front of a train for – and my heart breaks for what they are all going through now, and for what is to come.

Other than my parents and Sophie, and Jeff & Ethan, Summar is the most important person in my life. At least I had the chance to tell her that.

I’m sorry. There is more I want to say, but maybe for another day. I’m not very eloquent right now.

If you are so inclined, please keep Summar, Pascal, Jayden & Sapphire in your prayers. They need them now more than ever. Plus Summar’s mom, Summar’s dad, and Summar’s brother.

When You Want to be Two Places at Once…

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 20:48:00 +0000

Leaving Portland this time around was the hardest it’s ever been.

So This Happened…

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 20:46:00 +0000

Sorry for the gross photos but I broke out into a rash on Saturday evening. Nobody knows why. I did ask and show it to two nurses and one doctor at church and they all said it looks like an allergic reaction to SOMEthing, and put cortisone cream on it and it will likely go away. Since I didn’t eat anything new or weird or different, and I didn’t change soap or laundry detergent.

It’s really fun (*rolls eyes*). I feel like a leper. It’s on my forehead, tummy, chest, arms, legs, palms, and fingers. It’s bumpy but it doesn’t itch.

It's not contagious as nobody else in my house has it.

It looks worse in person. Much worse. But things could be worse. I shouldn’t be complaining about something so cosmetic.

But yes, to say I’m stressed is an understatement.

Summar Breeze Update

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 17:30:00 +0000

I am here in Portland, OR with Summar. I’ve spent the last two nights in the hospital with her. Today she goes home. I will be here until Friday, unless something drastic happens.
Prayers and hugs are greatly appreciated.
Below is Summar’s husband’s post on Summar’s Caring Bridge, and also what he posted on Facebook.
Thank you to everyone who has prayed for and supported Summar in her four-year Cancer journey.

Journal entry by PASCAL RUELLE — 12 hours ago

The past few days in the ICU have been emotionally draining. Summar has bounced back from a serious high ammonia level which is most likely due to liver complications both from cancer and the many toxic drugs which are used to fight cancer.

It is with a heavy heart to tell you all that we are heading home tomorrow with the Hospice team in place and are choosing to end Summar's ongoing cancer treatment. The one thing that stood out the most to me is what the hospice nurse said to us and that is it may seem like we're giving up but we're actually taking control of how we want this to end. Both Summar and I feel it is time to be home in a comfortable environment where Summar can live her remaining time with her Children, Family, Friends and Hospice Team.

We ask that you please respect our precious time together and I will try and coordinate visits as her health permits.

Thank you all for the continued prayers and support over the past 4+ years.

I'll update as I can in the coming days

—Pascal Ruelle

Serenity NOW!!

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 11:18:00 +0000

I have been having a rough time lately but I can’t talk about it here.

I have been trying to say and live by this prayer every day, which is REALLY hard for me because it goes against every grain of my personality. But I’m trying.

For once in my life, I am purposely being selfish (of course I’ve been un-purposefully selfish many a time, every single day) and trying to focus on myself and MY needs before others. Basically, I am just trying to keep myself healthy: Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually as best I can.

On a lighter note, remember this?

I Don’t Know Why I Can’t Get Over This!

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 13:47:00 +0000

So Jeff and I wandered around the Clayton art fair on Sunday, which for those of you out of town, is an annual event in a pricey and trendy suburb of St. Louis. It’s basically a street fair (an upscale one) with a band, restaurants selling food, treats, drinks, and artists from all over the country who are set up in their little booths selling everything from ceramics to photography to paining to jewelry, etc.

The weather was beautiful (sunny and warm, but no humidity and no rain!) and it felt great to be outside; it also provided PLENTY of excellent people watching as all kinds show up. There were ladies dressed to the nines in their freshly coiffed hair and 3-inch heels (yes, 3-inch heels for a STREET FAIR) and designer clothes; then there were beer-bellied tattooed guys with wife beaters. All kinds to make the world go round:)

Anyway, Jeff and I aren’t artists nor do we know much about art. I’m drawn to photography and Jeff is drawn to unusual, eclectic items you wouldn’t find anywhere else. Basically we just went to avoid doing chores around the house and to enjoy each other’s company and to people watch and to soak up the sun and breeze.

So we were peaking in this one booth – gosh, I even forget what this lady’s artwork was like – it was painting, definitely painting of some kind or type or style. I didn’t find it ugly or offensive in any way, nor did I want to snatch it up and hang it on my wall. It was just there, I guess because apparently her artwork isn’t the part that made an impression on me: it was her attitude.

Often times the artists sit on a stool or a tall chair kind of behind their displays, but so you can still see them in case you want to talk to them, but they know most people are just browsing and so they let you go about your business without any pressure.

Anyway, we’re in this artist lady’s booth and this guy asks, “What does painterly mean?”

And she - the artist – says, verbatim: “Well if you have to ASK what it means then you certainly DON’T deserve to know.” And she said it with so much DISDAIN and ATTITUDE and…DISGUST. Yes, she said it with disgust. I mean, she obviously looked at this poor guy as if he were a complete and total imbecile which is not the impression I would get from looking at him: he was clean cut and well dressed and so was his wife. He looked like a normal, curious guy. (Not that people who AREN’T clean or well dressed can’t be smart. Because I don’t dress well and I think I am of normal intelligence. I do shower every day though. I have that going for me, hehe).

My jaw just about dropped open and for a minute I thought we were on a scripted reality TV show. I looked all around but saw no cameras or crew. Besides, wouldn’t I have had to sign one of those waiver forms?

So as we walk to the next booth, I was just so APPALLED for the guy that he was just treated like that by a complete stranger who was supposedly there to SELL HER ART that I turned around and asked him to clarify what he had asked the artist.

And he told me that he asked her what “painterly” meant because on her little bio she had hanging up it said, ‘I try to be painterly.’ And then I told him that it sounded like a made-up word to me and I wouldn’t have known what it is and we all had a “Can you believe that shit” moment and the wife said, “Even if I LIKED her art, I wouldn’t buy it now” and I didn’t blame her not one single bit.

But the men – our husbands – shrugged it off and I was thinking about it for the rest of the day. Obviously, I still am. I wonder if that wife is telling the story to a friend right now.

Ethan is 12!!

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 18:32:00 +0000

This handsome guy turned 12 on Saturday, and apparently he had TWO parties this weekend that his Mom threw him, PLUS another party coming up at SkyZone that he is sharing with another friend.

We didn’t get to see him ON his actual birthday, but we all went out to dinner earlier in the week and gave Ethan cards and cash (*wink*) [Sophie’s card had music and it farted – LOL]

And of course as soon as Ethan’s birthday arrives, Sophie starts planning hers. :)

Summar Breeze

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 18:02:00 +0000

This was my Facebook post from Saturday:

On the 4-year anniversary of Summar Breeze Ruelle's diagnosis, I did this...

Summar has shown me UNWAVERING support over the past 30 years. She has been there for me through thick and thin, through good times and bad, happy times and sad. She has been there for me through each of life's milestones including but not limited to: first loves, first heartbreaks, marriage, birth, divorce, remarriage...

She has an amazing strength. She inspires me. I am blessed to call her my best friend and my soul sister.

I love you, sis [xxoo]

Looking for “Date Night” Ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Farrell) — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 15:11:00 +0000

Many married couples with children who do not have any ex’s involved, look at me and Jeff as “lucky” because we have a built in “date night” every week, when our children are at their other parents’ homes. (Well I only have one night a week without Sophie but, still, it’s built into the schedule).

But I’m looking for date night ideas, other than just going out to eat.

Because often times what happens is we end up sitting out in the sunroom watching TV, drinking. (Well, now he is only drinking, since I’m doing this).

It will get more difficult once winter arrives and it’s dark at 5pm; now it is still light enough to get a walk in with Kylie around the lake, as well as dinner.

So, any ideas? Even new Netflix shows we could get ‘addicted’ to? (We have to be inside to watch Netflix:))

Netflix shows we’ve watched and love (to give you an idea of our taste. Well, our taste is mostly ‘dark comedy’ I guess):

· Breaking Bad

· Weeds

· Orange is the New Black

· Lost (I watched it when it was on TV; we watched it together on Netflix)

· Making a Murderer

He likes: Walking Dead

I like: Scandal

We couldn’t get into: House of Cards

I’ve heard good things about:

· Stranger Things

· Nurse Jackie

Any other ideas?