Nothing Matt Says Would Surprise Me!

"A Divorce is an Ugly Thing.....and I Think It's Time We Had One!"

2012-01-28T12:42:00.004-06:00

Nothing better than a "Rat Terrier Surprise" (I'm referring to dog pooh of course) in your bedroom every morning because they are jealous of your cat!

Well a wise man once said, "All bad things must come to an end, eventually." Of course I wouldn't know who that wise man might be. I have been in conflict with the "Texas Tiger Mom" for quite some time and things have finally come to a "head". We have decided to go our separate ways and I am presently residing at the home of my old college roommate. This is another example of how our lives sometime come full circle. My friend was one of my first roommates. We played in the college band together, were in the same fraternity and have kept in touch through the years. He recently divorced after more than 20 years of marriage.
He lives in a HUGE home accompanied by two small.....wait, I'm being kind. I mean two FAT little Rat Terriers. "Nosie" and "Tinker" are the very definition of the word "crumb snatcher".

Due to my effort to "diffuse" the situation at my home, I have elected to stay with my friend until our divorce is final. I must say I miss the silence and solitude of my country "estate", but actually there has been little "silence and solitude" in the presence of the "Texas Tiger Mom". Life is comprised of personal experiences and I have certainly had a big one. But, I don't regret it. You have to make an effort and I did see and do some wonderful things I might have otherwise not have experienced. As you know, I try to find the humor in things both good and bad. In this case it is a matter of being careful what you wish for. I was seeking a companion that was hard working, intelligent and responsible. Well, I got it. The only problem was I got more than I bargained for. I'm afraid the TTM (Texas Tiger Mom) was a bit too responsible for me. She was not very tolerant of my fun loving nature and over-amplified socializing skills! Let's just say she failed to see the humor in things, or have a conception of humor at all. Some have said that is a cultural thing, but I disagree. Her father and daughter are treasures. People are just different. My experience is just another example of the complexities involved with meeting people on the Internet. Especially overseas. And YES, my friends "hammer" this fact home often. Regardless, I've held up my responsibilities and made an effort to make the transition easier for her and her daughter. I always seem to add to my extended family and I know her daughter is too integrated into our family so I guess she will still be at all the social events in the future. In this case, her welfare is more important than any conflict between the TTM and myself. Plus, she already has a Texas accent and uses the same common phrases my mother uses! What's not to love. My goal is to try to make the best of a bad situation. Some people are just not compatible and you can't and shouldn't try to force it.

An Asian female's wrath is a force to be reckoned with. My post title is from the Mel Brook's classic film "Young Frankenstein". The police chief is telling the villagers how awful a mob/riot is and that it was time to have one! Some things are distasteful, but necessary....it became apparent to me after my the last argument with the TTM's

Mob Scene from "Young Frankenstein" If it was within the TTM's power, she would have one of these coming for me! I can just hear the TTM saying "Kill the monster!"

What next? Why on to my NEXT adventure of course! Living with an old college roommate is strange but very interesting. It is enlightening to see old friends up close after so many years. I believe I've stayed at about the same level of "insanity" I've always been. I know I've mellowed with age somewhat and hopefully that will improve my chances of a successful relationship. I know I am not the easiest person to date....yes I will admit it! I have a few months left in this situation and I plan to make the best of it. It's good to have the opportunity to decompress and reconnect with old friends and family. I must say, cherish good friends and family. Being a poster child for ADHD, I am an acquired taste. Having a great family and a good network of friends for support is invaluable. Without "ranting" I found it humorous that a key point in the verbal abuse I was subjected to at home involved a statement that if my friends knew how "nasty, sexually deviant, perverted, irresponsible, etc, etc I was, they wouldn't have anything to do with me (The nasty and irresponsible parts really hurt my feelings). Funny I thought, they already know my "traits"! They're my friends and family....of course they know me! There are few secrets with MY big mouth!

Plans? Yes I have some. I have adopted a few old motorcycles from the 1970's and am having a great time learning to survive on two wheels. At least my years of bicycle racing and riding have been a great help. I plan to travel, expand my writing and blog and try to find some diversions that don't involve alcohol and cigarette smoke. I must be getting older when some of my favorite vices are losing their luster or the police have shut them down! I guess I need to find some nice FRESH ones. Despite my matrimonial mishap

So, Inkie the cat and I will survive our "Odyssey" of living at my friend's home for a time and make the best of it. Inkie is overjoyed to be allowed in my bedroom again! Stay tuned to my blog for my further exploits.

Thanks for reading!! For those of you hoping to see photos of some of the new women I meet around the globe. I promise to have my "monkey" and camera at the ready, so stay tuned!

"Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?"

2011-12-29T13:55:00.002-06:00

The "Lost City of Atlantis" could be buried under all of that!

Where is your warm safe place at home? The place you are able to ultimately unwind after a hard day dealing with the insanity the world throws at you every day. It is the warm, soft, quiet place that wraps you up like a cocoon to rejuvenate you for your next day on the planet.
It's the place you are, according to "experts", spend eight hours of every day but somehow never do. That would be your bed!! There was a time when bed held that special feeling for me, then it happened.....chaos.
I have to reflect on my memories of beds and bedding since my youth. I have a vague memory of rolling around in a bed with what seemed like bars surrounding me. I brought every toy I owned into my bed and sometimes had to be "decontaminated". As the evening approached, the lights were dimmed, a door was left slightly ajar in my closet where the light still burned, ready to ward off any of the monsters my mom described to me in bedtime stories. I was alone with only my blanket for protection. Eventually, it was time for the next step. A twin bed for my brother and I. I vaguely remember "making" the bed, but I did know the basics. That would be a top and bottom sheet, a blanket and a bedspread. Meaning whether you were trained to make your bed as a child you could still put it back together again before you retired for the night. In case you have not been following my blog, my brother and I were left to our own devices once mom started back to work teaching. Actually, my brother NEVER left his bed if he was home. He was always laying on his bed reading! He left only for school, "sustenance" and to chase me with a steak knife if I threw an insect on him.

Could be MY house!

Then there was the next chapter....college. Now college does not really count when considering how bedding should really look. Each day presents a new challenge and sleep comes when you physically reach the "end of your rope". Your bed could be the floor, your couch, your roommate's bed (you'd been drinking) or if you're lucky...some "love interest's" bed! You consider yourself lucky to have a single blanket for warmth, hopefully not the one from the dog bed! I was lucky my first few years of college because I had a water bed. It had a heater so it was warm regardless of whether I had a blanket or not. These were the years you were lucky if you even made it to your bedroom.

My first "Married Years" were an adjustment. It was a strange experience living with a woman for the first time. I had heard of it but never seen it first hand. Women like to "make" their beds! It took a period of adjustment but eventually I got used to sleeping with "layers" of bedding. It was nice to not have your feet sticking out the end of the bed at night.

This was a trend for the "married" segment of my life. There was an unforeseen alteration to my sleep cycle resulting from enlistment in the U.S. Army for the first 5 years of my married life. That explains my tolerance for sleeping under "stressful" conditions. For the most part, this entailed sleeping on rocks, tree roots, piles of pine needles or anything to stay dry from the rain, etc. Having experienced both ends of the spectrum, I naturally preferred the nice well made bed I had been exposed to.

Dr. Seuss's Tweedle Beetles. "Get back on YOUR side of the bed!"

That is the "build up" to my current condition. That would be "bed bedlam". My current situation sends me back to my college roots. That would be to wrap myself up with anything capable of giving me the warmth I require when I sleep. I am actually a polar bear when I sleep meaning I am more comfortable with a cold environment and then "search" for warmth. My current wife prefers to wrap herself up in a blanket or comforter like a hot dog. Think of it like eating spaghetti. You stick a fork in your spaghetti and "roll" the noodles onto your fork. My wife "rolls" herself into her blanket. I haven't seen a bed properly made inside my home for three years. In the past, I seem to remember sleeping in a well made bed and being able to actually touch my spouse. Not so now. In my current situation, you are on your own. As you can see by my intro picture, we have a wad of bedding that you claim as your own and keep warm as best you can. Now, since my wife is not the "warm and fuzzy" type, this became the norm. Unfortunately even pets became off limits in the bedroom (First sign my marriage was in trouble!) So, much like the Dr. Seuss story of "The Tweedle Beetle Battle" you battle in the bedroom for a blanket (Not a bad attempt to rhyme..). When you get cold, you grab anything you can in the darkness to keep warm. Of course my wife cheats by wearing clothing to bed. It was not uncommon for her to wear a coat to bed! You know the type, big red parka with faux fur on the hood.

Nice. I know....in my dreams!!!

I have a dream....one day I'll look into my bedroom and see the light filtering into my master bedroom illuminating a bed properly made with the layers of sheets, blankets and soft comforter just as nature intended!
Alas.... another sign of aging. You actually CARE what your bed looks like! Unfortunately, I have a few months of living as a nomad sleeping on couches and in the beds of friends (I mean their SPARE beds, get your mind out of the gutter!) until I return from exile and once again am king of my castle once again!!

So let it be written, so let it be done! (I always liked Yul Brenner in "The Ten Commandments")

"Shoot That Poison Arrow"

2011-11-27T15:13:00.156-06:00

Who says Cupid doesn't have a sense of humor?
Would you let HIM pick your next "love connection"?

This post is my attempt to share my emerging view of relationships. To reach a conclusion I'm attempting to learn from all the "train wreck" relationships I've had. What do I consider a good relationship? It is a blend of physical attraction, love, responsibility with a sprinkle of toleration. I think the worst thing we can do is get too wrapped in desperately seeking our "soul mate" or just SOMEBODY to be with. Having this need leaves us open for sorrow. My title "Shoot That Poison Arrow" originates from the 80's band ABC. And no, listening to ABC doesn't mean your gay, just "sensitive"! Our need for love blinds us from the consequences we must bear when choosing partners out of lust or desperation. We leave ourselves open for that "Poison Arrow".

"Who broke my heart? You did you did..... (ABC, "Shoot That Poison Arrow").

(Ah the old days I remember!)

I've approached relationships from both directions. Sexual attraction that started as a "red hot" relationship for a number of weeks only to get to know the person better and realize "yikes" this isn't going to work. Now to be honest, I wouldn't consider myself the best fish in the sea. Having ADHD I'm more of a challenge. I require constant stimulus and require patience and understanding. But on the positive side, I'm not boring! I still uphold some traditional values. I am faithful and know that trust is important to maintain.

My first marriage was based on lust and socializing. The sex is hot and plentiful, and you have a girl to take to all of your social functions for a change. After a time you get numb and adjust to a relationship only to find out it was founded on the wrong principles. Like many marriages time passes quickly. Before too long you have kids, joint responsibilities and then one day you find out you are not happy and find you want out.

With kids involved this relationship seems to never end, even after the divorce. If handled amicably it can succeed with no long term damage to your children.
I think after my first divorce was the most trying. I was married 11 years and did not know how to handle being alone at home. Like many newly divorced people you immediately try to throw yourself back into the "fire" falling for the first female/male that you get involved in. I think it is comical NOW all of the ridiculous things I did to win over new "candidates". You were compelled to get another mate and fast! Personally I think they should put new divorced couple in "quarantine" for a while just to let them have a cool down period. A divorcee is just like a racehorse let out of the starting gate!

Face it, we're social animals. We need people in our lives. I think the problem is we rely too much on pursuing a "soul mate" and forget to cultivate friendships or maintain contact with family. I find I may spend TOO much time with friends, but this proves to me I need to establish a friendship with a potential mate for any relationship to be successful. Otherwise, I just run away to my friends when the going gets rough with my "significant other" and you can bet THAT makes the problem worse!

Now, on the tail end of my second marriage, I've devised a new theory. Actually I thought of experimenting with two. The first involved having hundreds of "red-hot" short relationships. Isn't that better than one LONG bad one? I'm seeing friends married for over 20 years getting divorced. What did THAT commitment do for them? Then I thought, "Hey, I won't be this handsome forever!" I'm not that hung up on the age of my companion and at least I don't need a pork chop around my neck for the dog to want to play with me. It's harder to escape when you're trapped in the nursing home!
The second theory is, in my opinion, the best choice. Don't look. I believe it's true that the best people are found by accident. I did the Internet.....bad news. I looked for an intelligent hard working person and "viola", I found one. Unfortunately she was void of a sense of humor, uncomfortable with showing affection and extremely critical. And yes, she is a much better person than me. Now how's THAT going to work out? I think it's like an old friend of mine said to me, "You can't love a person without a little bit of bad in them." You can't get to really know someone unless you spend some time with them. The online dating services just get your hopes up and then usually throw you off a cliff. NEVER trust a picture! Say it with me now....P-h-o-t-o-s-h-o-p. And don't get me started about the "Hook Up" websites, although it IS an intriguing concept. Do they have a pocket STD testing kit now? Just wondering.

I believe the first step is to get happy yourself. Seeing someone truly happy and enjoying life makes them more attractive. Having to always be in a relationship make you too reliant and vulnerable to others who may hurt you emotionally. If you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself you have no need to be in a hurry to have a relationship. If your self confident and happy on your own you won't fall prey to the jealousy and reliance on others that destroys so many couples. If you're not seeing someone who you would at least ask to participate in your activities there might be a problem.

This is far from a "Self-Help" site and I'm definitely not an expert on good relationships. I can still give my viewpoint and know THIS time I'm just going to get out there and enjoy time with my friends and family. I'll take care of my responsibilities, get a new pet and drive on! I hope to continue to spread "cheer" with my blog and travel the country with my little car and new (old) motorcycle spreading joy and laughter wherever I go!! (Never hurts to think positive) I'm getting older so my bad habits are beginning to slow down.
If "true love" comes, it comes but I'm not going to sit around and wait for that "Poison Arrow"!
If you're lonely do what the character "Crocodile Dundee" suggested. Just get yourself a couple of "mates"!

Good Advice.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

2011-11-10T14:29:00.003-06:00

On a farm, ANYTHING can be a pet!

Are you familiar with the terms "warm and fuzzy", "gave me a fuzzy" or "fuzzy feeling"? If so have you wondered where these sayings originated? Most likely they resulted from pet ownership.

Like many people I grew up in a household with family pets. Mine may have been different since I lived on a farm. In the country you seem to "attract" new pets. A bowl of fresh water or a bowl of dog food left outside brings guests. As a matter of fact, two weeks ago I was watering my mother's trees and found a small abandoned puppy drinking from the water. Presto! New pet! Of course this is the result of neighbors knowing we are soft. I seem to recall finding my mom's latest new cat "Fuzzy" crying in a tree on my farm and the next day seeing our neighbor's "Free Kittens" sign being taken down. Coincidence? I think not!

Having pets all of my life I can honestly say that there is no more calming experience than having your pet greet you when you arrive home. No matter how bad your day was your pet doesn't care, it is just glad to see you and wants your affection. The reality is that we are all animals and we have similar needs. We need food shelter and affection to be healthy. Pets don't judge, argue or demand. One of the most important things they do for us is teach.

For a young child, a pet can teach us some of the most important lessons in life. These include responsibility, love, compassion, affection and forgiveness. A pet is a living thing. It has needs and teaching a child to care for a pet teaches it about the personal needs of every creature and how to be responsible. They also learn the rewards. How does your family dog respond when you fill up that food bowl? Depending on their size you either get licked to death or knocked down (see video below)! Of course I have an old house cat that makes sure feeding her in the morning is my first priority. Her ability to "herd" me into the kitchen for food reminds me of the sheep herding abilities of the little pig "Babe" in the movie by the same name. Each pet possess a unique personality, just like people.

Having a pet as a child helps to fill in the emotional gaps that parents are forced to expose children to because of divorce or busy lives. Sometimes your pet is your primary playmate. My family always seemed centered around various pets. We always had a curiosity regarding animals and I have fond memories of my mom forcing my father to pull over the car on family vacations to go "poke" some strange animal we saw on the side of the highway! After a rain we were returning from a trip to my grandparent's home, we saw a large tarantula crossing the road. Mom said "Pull over!". We jumped out of the car and she had to show us how the spider jumped at us after poking it with a pencil! Yes, we were very familiar with much of the wildlife of Texas to include: Bobcats, snakes, possums, armadillos, vinegaroons, coyotes and rabbits. Strange, she never let me keep a monkey. I guess cleaning up poop from two boys was where she drew the line.

Classic Fred Flintstone with his pet "Dino" welcoming him home after work!

Affection is another lesson pets teach us. What mammal, including ourselves, doesn't like to be "petted"? Personally, I consider myself an affectionate person. Sometimes, it's the non-verbal actions of your "significant other" that you value more than what they say. In some cases we don't know how to describe what we feel and are able to physically express it more comfortably. Example: I had a late "date" with a young lady. As the evening progressed we were just relaxing and getting into a little "petting". She made the comment, "You have cats don't you?". I said, "Yes. why do you want me to stop what I'm doing?" She said, "No, I love it!" Enough said....

And then there is companionship. Not only do animals serve a useful purpose in many cases, and I'm not referring to meat, they give us a friend. I know many friends that treat their pets as family. As we get older our threshold for tolerance of others wears thin. Your pet never "yanks your chain". Of course they may "soil" your home or chew up your favorite shoes, but normally you could have prevented these situations with some prior planning. Still there is no substitute for unconditional love and pets supply it. That is as long as you keep the cat litter changed! My first memory of a pet as a young child was when "Marshmallow" the cat had five kittens on my bed. I woke up one morning thinking I was in trouble for wetting the bed and the cat was licking "gooey" stuff off her kittens. As for the elderly pets are a game changer. I've seen pets keep the elderly alive. Even health professionals agree. My mom is 77 and every morning she looks like "Dr. Doolittle" walking to the mailbox with three animals walking behind her! She has more fun with those animals than with people!

So, the lesson is teach youth to appreciate and cherish their pets and animals in general. I promise you they will learn to have a better relationship with humans too. Hey, EVERYBODY could use a hug!!

But you know...I have always wondered what my pets would tell me if they could talk. Probably "Are you just STUPID or what?"

"The Dog Bit Me Last Night"

2011-10-26T17:52:00.242-05:00

MD 20/20. You probably can get someone to hit you in the head with a hammer for free and save the $2 a bottle for a headache.
Just a suggestion

When traveling you should always take in the local culture. Every location has its claim to fame. It could be the world's largest ball of string the three headed cow or the chicken that plays a piano. Don't laugh! My hometown of Lubbock, Texas once claimed "Prairie Dog Town" as a local tourist attraction. Come on, a prairie dog is a big rat!!! Yes, that is pathetic....but true! I'll give you some background first, then get back to the "local tourist trap" subject.

This post is my second "Army Story". It involves a training school I attended in the historical city of Augusta, Georgia. Now Augusta is actually known for many things. It is home of Auguast National, a world famous golf course where they play The Master's Golf Tournament and it is also home to Fort Gordon, the U. S. Army Signal Corps Training School. Being a member of the Signal Corps, I was forced to return to Fort Gordon to receive advanced training. At the time of this post, I was attending a Basic Non-Comissioned Officer training school that lasted several months. What this means is that you are BORED for months on end. Usually, you see some familiar faces at these schools since you have similar jobs and attend the same training courses.

I was fortunate this time because I was stationed about four hours from the school and drove my car. Having transportation was a special treat. There was nothing worse than being forced to stay on "post" and stare at the walls of a small barracks room or be forced to hang out at the on Post "pizza pub" as the only entertainment. My personal car at this time was an old 1974 Volkswagen Beetle. It was blue, loud and smelly but it was ALL mine. Knowing how bored my fellow soldiers were, I often gave them a ride into the "big city". Keep in mind most of the Army posts were usually situated on the edge or slightly outside the nearby cities.

This training event was no different than most. BORING! As we settled into the same routine a pattern started to emerge. We would begin our training and then take our first break. During the break, a large Staff Sergeant we called "Downtown" Sergeant Brown would lean against the wall, hold his head and say, "I feel terrible, the "Dog" bit me last night. Being in the Army, we knew what that meant. We have a store that sells only alcohol we call the "Class Six" store. Many soldiers that are "trapped" on Post find themselves going to the Class Six, buying their "poison" and drinking the evening away since they feel they have nothing else better to do! This was what SSG Brown was referring to. Unfortunately the liquor he was referring to, "The Dog", was a lethal concoction known as MD 20/20. This was basically one of the cheapest wines you could buy. I often joked that the delivery truck must add another ten miles to the route just to assure the wine was fermented! Hey, for $1.69, it HAD to be good!

Now THIS is a "Snake Dance", unfortunately it was not the case in this story! Of course it looked better under the "influence" of Mad Dog 20/20!

Now, for the "local culture". In Augusta, there lived a local legend. We called her "The Snake Lady". Like most "GI Towns", Augusta had a "seedy" downtown full of smelly bars and places of "ill repute". One of these was called "Rick's". Rick's was what is fondly known as a "nudie bar". Meaning a strip club! And in this post I mean a BAD one. But, Rick's had a claim to fame..."The Snake Lady". The Snake Lady had been dancing at Rick's for many years. This meant she was more like a sight that would make your eyes sore than a "sight for sore eyes". But, she was scantily clad, and had a big python around her neck! Hey, it was better than staying on Post! After a few weeks of listening to SSG "Downtown" Brown tell us about his headache, we decided to to join him one night and buy EVERY flavor of the infamous MD 20/20 and go DOWNTOWN!
This was living dangerously when you consider the flavors had titles like: Blue Raspberry, Kiwi Lemon,
Hawaiian Blue and Orange Jubilee! I always thought they should have just taped an "air sickness" bag to the side of every bottle! So, we planned our outing. We went to the "Class Six" liquor store and bought one bottle of EACH flavor of "Mad Dog 20/20"!! I thought they were going to call the police BEFORE we left the store! I worried a little about fitting 4 large soldiers plus myself into my Beetle, but thought, "What the hell, soldiers are used to overcrowding!" So, after loading our bag of "Mad Dog", we were on our way downtown!

So, after loading all of my passengers, I checked to make sure the floor wasn't going to fall out of my Volkswagen and we headed for the city. Once we arrived at Rick's, we stayed in the parking lot to mix a "few cocktails" in my car. Basically we just picked a disgusting flavor and poured it into a plastic cup with some Sprite and ice. MD 20/20 is like perfume, once you smell one or two you really can't tell the difference!
After finishing our cocktails, we walked into the dark, smelly abyss that IS Rick's. Once inside, we took our rightful places at "perverts row". This mean sitting right in front of the stage for you rookies.
Eventually, the show began. There were a few "warm up" dancers that came out, unfortunately they were very depressing. I would say on a scale of one to ten, they were about a -20! But, since it is a soldier's duty to support single mothers everywhere, we were generous with our gratuity. Which wasn't good, because it has the same effect as giving a stray dog a snack....they want more! Remember, these were the days before hand sanitizer.
Then the main event....The Snake Lady! But wait, that's not the ORIGINAL Snake Lady! Turns out it was the originals daughter! So nice to see your offspring follow in your footsteps. At least she was more attractive and they could turn the lights a little higher. She did her routine going to each person on the front row and trying to drape her snake around their neck...not good. After Survival Training, snake is much better roasted with Tabasco Hot Sauce on it. We endured the dance and then noticed SSG "Downtown" Brown was looking a little "green". I thought it was just the result of the Kiwi Lemon flavored MD 20/20 he had consumed. As a matter of fact, we were all starting to see double. I thought, being the driver, it was time to hit the road! Only one detail left. FOOOOD!! Luckily there was a Krystal's Burger nearby. If you are unfamiliar with Krystal's, it is the Southern version of White Castle from the Northeast. Small biscuit like hamburgers with different types of grease squeezed onto the meat to provide added flavors like Surf-N-Turf! Also you could buy a bag of 24 for $5! We had $20 left so 96 small burgers were going to have to do.

There's a reason Krystal Burger is located near bars..

We made our way back to Fort Gordon, all the while stuffing small burgers into our faces. Keep in mind you must pass through a gated check point to enter the Post. There Military Police were on the watch for drunken drivers (although I think I was hallucinating) so we were a little nervous as we approached. Of course I was the MOST nervous because I was driving! We approached the gate, the guard walked up and looked into the Volkswagen. He looked into the Beetle and saw how crowded we were and said Sarge, how in the HELL did you get all those big gorillas into that car? I laughed, wiped the crumbs off my shirt and said, "Airborne all the way!" He just laughed and said, "I'm not looking into that car. The way they're eating those burgers they might just take a bite out of me! Get the hell outta here!" I then proceeded to drive through the row of yellow cones after the gate that test your sobriety by forcing to weave through them under the watchful eye of the MP at the gate. Success!! We live to sin another day!

The next morning we arrived at our class. This time ALL of us were leaning against the wall rubbing our heads. The instructor took one look at us and said what the hell happened to you guys? We looked up and in one voice said, "The Dog Bit Us Last Night!!!!"

"Let's Get Naked"

2011-10-13T13:43:00.003-05:00

Hey, if you've got the body...flaunt it Baby flaunt it!

"Let's Get Naked"....yes, it has a nice ring to it doesn't it. I was helping an elderly family friend recently and she mentioned how busy her day was going to be. She was visiting her doctors most of the day and mentioned with some "emphasis" that she had to be home in time to be bathed by a home health care associate. This made me remember how excited my ill father was when anticipating the arrival of the "bath lady" on certain days. He would stand in the hallway in his robe untied, and nothing on underneath ready for his bath! I would think two things. One, I REALLY wish he would tie up his robe, I don't need to see all the details. Two, is that where I'll ultimately end up? One of my biggest thrills in the "Golden Years" will be waiting for a young female to wash my baggy body (hopefully it will be a female)! This realization made me think of our perceptions of our bodies and how comfortable we are in our "birthday suits" through our lifespan.

In regard to nudity, my upbringing was what I would consider average. It was the 60's and 70's. There was plenty of craziness going around, but no one was running around naked at my childhood home. The Sexual Liberation Movement was in full swing, but I'm afraid my parents weren't members! My parents were conservative and traditional and rarely were openly affectionate. The human body was not a topic we discussed except when we were told to wash "it", or rude at the dinner table by slurping, smacking or passing gas (Hey, we ate fresh vegetables, it was a farm!), Our bodies became relevant because mom was trying to put a "dent" in ours for being bad. Other than that, nudity was restricted to whatever pornography we could find hidden in our Dad's office or shared by a friend. Remember, it's before the Internet. I had heard all about "free love" but I guess I had missed the window of opportunity or was just "too young to know". This was long before I received my "Filthy Beast" award, so I went through the same awkward learning process most teenagers experienced. These usually involved low light, a secluded country road and the sense of smell. I STILL want to know how the State Troopers managed to find you when you were out there on the "back roads" of the farm late at night!

Be careful when choosing friends during your early years of "sex education"! (Scene from "Weird Science)

And yes ladies, it works for both genders!

College was an entirely different arena. Of course nudity is all about self-image. Some people are proud of their bodies, some ashamed, and some just don't care! Men may be embarrassed of their "shortcomings" but women definitely have to deal with more pressure. Of course much of this pressure comes from their peers, not from men. A young college male's perception of the female form evolves around time of day and blood alcohol level. Of course nudity in your 20's can only be so bad. So enjoy those years while you can! Given the chance, if you were lucky enough to have a girl, it took about 6 seconds to "get naked"! Timing and opportunity overrides being self-conscious!   Try the John Nash formula and try to get the SECOND prettiest girl at the social mixer! These are the years you develop your self confidence and learn to be comfortable around a "significant other". They also will shape how you perceive nudity and sex. Of course if you had a roommate, things could get REALLY interesting. You may get a little more nudity than you bargained for.

Time for a "Matt Story"!

While working at Tara Restaurant with my then roommate, I had an interesting experience. (See my "When We Were Young and Gay: The Tara Restaurant Story" post.) My roommate was a bartender in the insanely popular bar called "Underground Atlanta". The bar was always busy and my roommate worked late hours during his shifts. Like many restaurants, the staff usually stayed a little after work to "wind down" after a hard night's work. At this period we had a female General Manager. Let's call her "Angie". The bar was staffed by a VERY diverse group.   Let's just say Angie had few "hang-ups" and although she might be considered "big boned", she was very assertive sexually. (Never hurts to ask!) I guess you could think of her as a predator always looking for its next meal. One night it seems, my roommate (who was fond of Tanqueray Gin and tonic) was "well lubricated" and was looking like Angie's next meal. I was already home for the evening. Late that night I heard my roommate come home..I heard him bound off a few walls and then close his bedroom door. I went back to sleep. The next morning, I sank into my favorite chair  to absorb more MTV music television. After an hour I hear my roommate's door open and Angie comes strolling into the living room in a nightgown. She says hello and sits down on our couch with a "cat that just ate the canary" look. I thought to myself, "Oh noooooooooo...he couldn't have!" Well...I'm afraid he DID. Next, my roommate exits his bedroom, totally naked, his eyes barely open, goes into the kitchen and opens the pantry to get a glass. I barely paid attention until I looked behind me and saw his back. It had ten large scratch marks right down the middle! Ouch! I just looked at Angie smiled and sank back into the television set. Lesson 1: Never let your guard down in a bar!

Marriage is predictable. Most likely you have had relations with your spouse before marriage so you know their routine. Hopefully they won't break open a "tool box" of strange sex devices, show you their favorite set of handcuffs or start building a "dungeon" in your basement.  Before kids you have a certain comfort zone being naked in your own home. If you are lucky, you have a spouse concerned about staying fit and conscious of their own appearance. Otherwise it's the same "old porridge"! I never forgot a scene with the actor Kevin Spacey in the film "American Beauty". He went to a fitness club and when asked his reasons for getting fit he answered, "I want to look good naked." It's hard to catch back up once you've let your appearance slip.
Kids change everything. Sex usually gets less frequent and you have to be modest around the children. Or at least I hope you are! I have two daughters. They certainly weren't modest. Their favorite routine was to escape the bathtub together and run around the house yelling, "Look, I'm Doobie, I'm Doobie! Doobie was their word for naked. Gee, I wonder where they heard THAT word?   You then had to catch them in a big towel and get them ready for bed. Ah...youth! If you're married, I wish you well. Hopefully there's still some spark left in your love life and you just can't wait to get naked. If so then lucky you! If not, maybe you can work out a punch card system. Five household chores for sex or NOT to have sex...just a suggestion.

Later in life things began to change. Personally I'm lucky. I keep fit and have a good "gene pool" and have aged well. Women at middle age come in a variety of styles. You know yourself by now and people can take it or leave it. Still, it never hurts to look in the mirror! As far as relationships and nudity at middle age, you know what they say: "Beauty is only a flip of the light switch away"!
If you feel good about yourself and how you look, that usually rubs off on others.
We only have one "birthday suit" for life so take care of it. Some day, with my family history it will be my turn to wait for the "bath lady". I hope they have a catalog of choices! Of course I'll probably be senile. Bath time will come around and I'll throw off my robe and run around the nursing home screaming, "Look at me....I'm Dobbie, I'm Doobie!"

"Who's Been Eating My Porridge"

2011-10-06T11:04:00.002-05:00

Porridge. When I think of porridge, I think of two things. Slurping sounds and the little orphan in the movie "Oliver" asking the headmaster of the orphanage, "Please sir, may I have some more?"

It could be me saying, "Do you always have to cut the meat into tiny pieces?

As for the slurping sounds, that would be at my house. Porridge is the preferred source of liquid for many Chinese. While in China, I noticed there were no glasses at the table and I wondered, "What are we drinking?" Then, I noticed small bowls being brought out and every member of my wife's family "slurping" from these bowls. I was asked what I wanted to drink and was given a bottle of water.

Although I am from West Texas, I am not so naive as to think every family on the planet has a giant glass of "iced tea" during a meal. After all, I like beer too! It was strange (and loud) to see and hear four people slurping during a meal. I discovered that's where they got the majority of their liquids.

Although I enjoy slurping my drink as much as anyone, my mother frowned on it while introducing me to "manners". You could still get away with it during a Boy Scout camp out or while traveling with your family, as long as your mom couldn't reach you. Although mom had a good memory and she reserved your "slap" for later! In many cultures, especially Asia, it's very common. It gets a little loud in a crowded restaurant. Luckily, water and beer were readily available. Beer was basically the same price as water so I thought, "Hey..I hear beer is safer to drink than water in some countries anyway!

Porridge comes in many forms, but for the most part it's water and some form of oats. Regardless of its makeup, most of it has one thing in common. It's tasteless! Historically, since it was cheap to make and had some nutritional value, it was a favorite of prisons and refugee camps the world over! In the UK, doing time in prison was referred to "doing porridge".

The "lab" that produces the strange substance.

I've learned much about porridge at home. First the "pressure cooker". Practically every morning it is working away producing more of the mixture. After pressure cooking the water and oats, it is transferred to another pan suitable for re-heating. This is where I have a problem. There is a similarity here with the famous hot geyser "Old Faithful" at Yellowstone National Park and the "porridge pan". Old Faithful erupts about every seventy minutes, and the porridge pan "erupts" practically every time the stove is turned on! My poor stove has had its enamel scrubbed off trying to get dried porridge off. Once porridge has dried, it could be best described a a "lacquer". Forget the sponge. If it has dried a scrubbing pad or chisel are your only options. Also, because it is prepared in a pressure cooker, the steam permeates the entire kitchen putting a thin coating of porridge on everything. And let's not mention the floor! After a few "porridge spills" it gets a little "ugly". Oh, and guess who gets to clean the floor at my house?

The dreaded "Porridge Pan" My "Old Faithful" Just like they use in an orphanage, but smaller!

Well, I know porridge is a staple in many countries. I know it could be worse. We could be having "fish heads", "pig's feet" or "chicken feet" every day so I count my blessings. It did make me think though. After being around porridge for a while I have my theories on how the Chinese constructed the engineering marvel The Great Wall before the invention of morter or concrete. They glued it together with porridge!!

Once that porridge dried, those bricks will be stuck there forever!!

Sluuuuuuuurp!!!!!

"They're Huge" or "It Feels Like the First Time"

2011-10-02T08:38:00.022-05:00

Merry Christmas? I couldn't have said it better myself!

There comes a time in every young man's life that he needs to "put down the magazine" and learn to mingle with the opposite sex. I was reminded of these years after watching a video of the 80's arena rock band Foreigner with some friends of mine. It was the late 70's and I was starting to practice my independence. I had a job, a car and an abundance of testosterone. I was working in a fast food restaurant called "Penny Lane" that was staffed with a plethora of attractive female staff members. It was here that I began to add to my menu choices! In the late 70's Lubbock, Texas was blessed with an abundance of great concerts from many well known artists. They provided perfect opportunities to ask a lovely girl for a concert date! This sets the theme for my post.

For a restaurant, Penny Lane was pretty laid back. The owners were friendly, the store was clean and new. It was a good working environment considering it was a fast food restaurant. The staff usually was comprised of a dining room waitress and a girl behind the counter. Two cooks or a cook and a manager worked in the back. Our business was slow enough to give us an opportunity to get to interact with each other. I actually enjoyed my tenure there. The period I'm talking about was an entertaining chapter. It was the year I could legally buy alcohol. Which means much of it's a blur. I remember my candy apple red '66 Mustang and having to come up with excuses for my mother for coming home late or not at all!

80's "Big Hair"
You didn't need a pillow with 80's hair. Depending on how much hairspray they used, it could put your eye out or catch on fire if you weren't carefull!

At this time, the restaurant had three flavors of women. There was Lisa, the "hippie chick". She was easy going, drove a Volkswagen Beetle and looked good without makeup. The second was Jamie. She was VERY attractive. She had the big "West Texas Hair", was always tastefully dressed, drove a nice new car and was well refined. But, Jamie was very naive, which is funny for me to say since I was only 18 at the time. She was one of those nice girls that you knew if you ever mistreated her you were going straight to Hell! Of course, per Mom, it was too late for me anyway! The third was Susan. Susan was a very nice girl. She was attractive but plain with one, excuse me, TWO pronounced features....big breasts! Keep in mind, we were all around 18 in those days. I was just starting to pursue women outside my geographic area. The "Big City" was new territory. Attending a small school and church as a youth limited my choices of women. I had worked at one fast food restaurant before, but this was a nice change. Nothing says romance like looking at the "greasy sheen" of a cute girl's face under the glow of a food heating lamp! Yes, the cooks and I constantly schemed on how we could "close the deal" with our female co-workers.

Eventually I developed a dialogue with Lisa. She was delightfully pleasant with a good sense of humor and few apparent "hang-ups". We became "Doobie Brothers", hey...it was the 70's! We became good friends and spent many hours sitting in her '72 "Beetle" after work. One thing led to another and eventually we made plans to have a "sleep over" at her house. That was a trick, because Lisa's stepfather was an ex-college football player that was still "as big as a house". The sight of this big 300lb plus gentlemen getting into a small Datsun pickup and watching the truck tilt to the left definitely made an impression! To even consider trying to get "sneaky" with his step-daughter was a "death wish". So of course, I HAD to do it! I was still living at home so the night of the "big game" I told my parents I was taking Seth, our Old English Sheepdog for a romp in the park with Lisa's Labrador. We were a familiar site riding in my red 1966 Mustang with the small rear window open and a big furry "dog head" hanging out. That night, I cheated death. Lisa's step-father was leaving on a small trip with her mother. That evening we had a pleasant evening watching the old show "The Midnight Special" and eventually having the big event. I'm afraid paranoia forced me to leave and not stay all night.

I have this in my video section but it is relevant here. Jim Carey explains why men are nice to women!

So, after this rendezvous, I was feeling pretty re-assured. Lisa was a "nature girl" and we had a good "friends with benefits" relationship, but I was still curious. In a restaurant of that size word travels fast. I must have received a positive review because I noticed Susan was being extra nice to me. After my co-workers did their job trying to turn me to the "Dark Side", I decided to ask Susan out for a date. Now Susan was a different situation. She was a local girl and not quite as free spirited as Lisa. So I was going to resort to the tested true method. Dinner and a "six-pack"! I was excited. There was a big rock concert coming up, the band Foreigner. I bought Susan and I tickets. The stage was set.

The night of the concert I was all set. Six pack of wine coolers, check. Six pack of watery beer, check. I arrived at Susan's apartment that evening and she prepared a nice dinner. We had a few drinks and went to the concert. Foreigner was very popular during this period and the concert was packed. We were having a great time and then it happened.....I got sick at my stomach! I was so sick I couldnt even stand up. Oh the humanity!

I "soldiered" on and lasted to the end of the concert. All I could do was drop Susan off at her apartment and apologize. She was very sweet and understanding. RATS! My friends laughed so hard after they heard my story I thought I was going to have to take THEM to the hospital. So, Susan's virtue was saved that night by an invisible force. I guess it's true, "the Lord works in mysterious ways"! And I didn't even get a concert t-shirt!

"I Sleep With a Full Bladder"

2011-09-23T18:17:00.217-05:00

The classic waterbed. Nothing more exciting than a garden hose running across your floor.The bed looks like a safety balloon for a stunt man doesn't it?

No, I'm not talking about getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, even though I AM "middle aged"! Actually this post is about a fond memory of my youth.....the waterbed!!!! How long has it been since you even heard the term? At one time there were waterbeds everywhere. There were waterbeds sold in furniture stores, head shops and even "waterbed warehouses". They were a by product of the late 70's and 80's. There was something special about them other than being inexpensive. If they were setup correctly the less expensive ones made you feel as comfortable as if you were sleeping in your mother's womb! Meaning they were warm and "squishy". It was like catching the wave every night

The Gas Pipe, one of the last surviving "Head Shops" in Austin, Texas. Shouldn't they be applying for status as a Historical Landmark?

Former home of "Gandalf's Staff" in Lubbock, Texas. The showroom had waterbeds and accessories, behind the beaded curtain "smoking accessories". Such a simpler time!

If you are not familiar with the waterbed, let me describe it's key features. I remember my first water bed....it cost a grand total of $99. I bought it at a local "head shop" (A head shop is a re-seller of smoking products related to "cannabis consumption") called Gandalf's Staff in Lubbock, Texas. For $99 you got a heater pad, four long boards with hardware that you assembled to make the bed frame, a waterbed mattress, a fill-and-drain kit and some plywood you could put under the mattress. This arrangement was meant to put on the floor (Hey, I was in college!) but, if you were resourceful and "devious" enough, you could load your friends in your car and make a midnight raid on the local supermarket to obtain the world famous emergency construction component....the plastic milk crate!! No college age decorating project was complete without incorporating some milk crates into the decor. TV stands, bookshelves, fish tank stands..and most importantly, a base for a cheap waterbed!

Video about how to put together a water bed.

The mattress of the waterbed is the key. It is essentially a large vinyl "bladder" filled with water. If you're smart, you will follow the seller's advice and put some algae treatment so you don't create a new life form inside the mattress. The heater pad was placed under the vinyl mattress and provided the heat for the mattress. Old waterbeds had a unique set of characteristics that could be a plus or minus. First, if they were warm, they heated the entire bedroom and wrapped you in warmth while you slept. If they were too cold, they "sucked" the heat from your body! So you HAD to have a working heater. You have to realize that the king size water bed held almost 250 gallons of water! The fill-and-drain kit allowed you to fill the bed within a house or apartment from a sink faucet. Think how long THAT takes! At least if you bought some additional "products" from the head shop you probably could "occupy" yourself. The most neglected detail in waterbed erection was checking for stable flooring. This is most critical in old apartments or in upstairs apartments. A miscalculation could be embarrassing and disastrous.
Owning a water bed is similar to owning a pet. You have to care for it. Keep it watered, don't "abuse" it or it might bite you. Sheets were always a problem. Although they SAY the sheets were designed to fit a water bed, that is an impossibility. And silk sheets....you have to be kidding!! A big warm blob of vinyl doesn't like sheets. Being a Texan, I would relate the bed making process as similar to "bull-dogging" a steer at a rodeo. You have to "wrestle" the sheets on. And if you were a young college student with a girlfriend that meant you had to "make" the bed often. Getting "busy" on a waterbed was fun but too much movement could produce a tidal wave that could result in a flooded room or sending your partner airborne!

Waterbed joke...great prank (German but you'll get it!)

Getting anything but the old classic waterbed defeats the purpose of getting one. New waterbeds add foam padding and end up being too much like a conventional bed. You can't really experience the joys of waterbed ownership unless you have that smell of vinyl in your bedroom and experience the thrill of jumping on the bed and 'riding the wave"! Accept no substitute!

To this day, I still sleep on a frame from my last waterbed. I'm afraid I purchased a conventional "conversion" mattress to fit the frame. As I've grown older I need a firmer mattress. Putting more water in a waterbed just makes it rounder! At least the old conventional waterbed mattress I got with the frame went out with style. It burst while I was getting busy one morning with my girlfriend. We used buckets to catch water until we could wrestle the "beast" out the back door....thanks Rachel!!!

"Those Damn Chinese..."

2011-09-19T09:41:00.006-05:00

Underneath these pecan trees was "Bud's Picnic Table of Knowledge". For over two years it was my "oracle",

I know the name of this post might cause some controversy but in all honesty, this post is intended to remember a member of a vanishing generation. The full quote that gave me the post title came from an old World War II veteran named "Bud". The full quote was "Mark my words, one day those damn Chinese will rule the world!" Bud owned an established business that lasted almost 30 years. At one time he was considered one of the best "glass benders" in the country. A "glass bender" is a name given to those skilled at bending glass tubing to make neon lighting. Bud's company produced and serviced the majority of the signage in Lubbock and the surrounding areas. Bud probably trained a large portion of his future competition. As good as he was at his craft, he didn't excel in one area, interpersonal communication.

Bud was what was known as a "mean old man". He had a successful business, but his lack of people skills most likely contributed to him not fulfilling his full potential. Eventually, his son took over the sales position and Bud supervised the sign shop, much to the horror of his employees. Bud talked bad about people in their presence and even worse when they left...but he WAS consistent. His son and I were good friends for many years. I remember calling his shop looking for him and Bud responding, "I don't know where the hell he is, what bar are YOU at?" Hey, I wasn't ALWAYS calling from a bar! This pretty well describes an accurate picture of Bud. Bud constantly berated his workers but he was a master of his craft, and he reminded you of that fact often.

Bud had a full life and in younger days served in the U. S. Navy during the worst years of World War II in the Pacific. He also had the bad Navy tattoos to prove it. They looked like they were done by other sailors below deck during a "bender" on rubbing alcohol! While overseas, Bud saw many things and obviously was exposed to many Chinese Nationals. This I will address later in my post. Bud stated his many theories. With Bud, you had to "weed out" the compliments embedded in the insults. I had much in common with Bud being from the same community. We attended the same church at one point and had many common friends and acquaintances. He, like many of his contemporaries, participated in the same hobbies. Most of them contained the same component. We in Texas have a term for it...."bullshit". We in Texas didn't create it, we just carry on the tradition. Just for the sake of my international readers I will give a brief definition. Bullshit can be described as an "fragrant untruth or obvious fallacy" (From the Urban Dictionary; urbandictionary.com) In West Texas, the masters of "bullshit" frequent convenient common areas. That would be places familiar to us in this area. The cotton gin office, a nearby cafe or tables in a convenience store. Places where someone will be "trapped" long enough to have to listen to them. They were there at exactly the same times everyday. Of course "bullshit" breeds MORE "bullshit". Like a virus, once the "bullshit" starts it acts like a virus and begins to multiply. Nothing fuels the imagination like time on the farm tractor or too much time "riding the range" as a rancher. I laugh at this now, but these were my people. Everyone a truly unique character, hard working, opinionated and in most cases fearless. These were the men that built this community.

This was the premier sign service in Lubbock for years. If ever you needed to be told how lazy, stupid or worthless you were, just come by and see Bud in the office!

It was this environment that I was trapped while renting my friend's small house for several years. The house was located right next to Bud's sign shop. Outside the house was an excellent grove of pecan trees and a large picnic table. After a "hard day's work", Bud and some of his employees would enjoy some "frosty" beverages outside on the picnic table. This was Bud's "forum". I've read that in Ancient Greece, there were areas where citizens could exercise their right to free speech. In Delphi, there was a famous temple where an oracle would advise many famous people, including Alexander the Great. Unfortunately, my access to a great oracle was limited to a picnic table six miles east of the city of Lubbock!

Now, back to the Chinese. Bud was infatuated by the Chinese during his war years. He was obviously impressed by their persistence and ingenuity. My close association with the Chinese have taught me the same. Let's just say the Chinese go in a straight line to achieve their goal where we tend to take the "long road". They own the lion's share of our national debt and now they are buying Europe's debt as well. After listening to Bud's many "words of wisdom" and "fatherly advice", he would always have the same closing statements: "Mark my words, those damn Chinese are going to rule the world someday!" Actually, most of his rationalizations about the Chinese echoed true, except maybe the smelly "sneakers" (cheap canvas shoes) part! Something about the origin of sneakers. "sneaky Chinese"....."sneakers"....hmmmm....Bud might have been right about that too, my wife's (who's Chinese) is very sneaky!

"Matt's Great Escape"

2011-09-12T15:56:00.011-05:00

The "Compound" . My home from 1966-1978. Mom paid me to move out early!!

This is a post about coming of age. I sometimes have trouble remembering when that was. The Great Escape title was chosen because of my love of old prison movies. No, not THOSE prison movies, I mean the old World War II prison escape movies of the 60's and 70's. It was fascinating to see how they fashioned fake uniforms of the enemy or tunneled underneath the prison compound to freedom. Of course it never hurt to throw in some extra adrenaline like the actor Steve McQueen running from the enemy on a giant German courier motorcycle in my all time favorite "The Great Escape", the source of my post title. Although I talk of escape, the real topic of my post is "breaking" back in. By this I mean breaking back in to my house in the wee hours of the night after a "night on the town". So maybe I should use the old sitcom "Hogan's Heroes" as my example...sorry, I like Steve McQueen too much!

Steve McQueen's famous motorcycle chase in "The Great Escape". Similar to me driving home late from the big city!

I've said in past posts that my mother mentioned to me that she didn't raise me, she let me grow up. This means that I was usually left to my own devices. When the big day came that I could legally drive, it was a whole new world. Of course living in the country, many of us drove vehicles as soon as we could reach the pedals, it was so nice to drive on the pavement and not have to eat all of the dirt of the country back roads. Cars in my family were an interesting subject. I'm afraid my father was not mechanically inclined. He had his hand full with four drivers in the family. Insurance, gas, maintenance, the costs were high. He had an interesting method for keeping us driving. It involved spares. We had a spare car for each family member. Thank goodness we had a farm. We had quite a parking lot in front of our house. In those days, we were fortunate to have a "key pump" at our local farm store, which mean we could get fuel 24 hours a day. Perfect for a young teenager driving a big Oldsmobile 98 with a 455cubic inch engine! Empowered with a driver's license and a car meant I was in the "big city" as often as possible.

I bring up the transportation factor for a reason. I probably had five different used cars from the ages of 16-18. This meant that they were not all dependable and this resulted in some interesting nights. I must remind you that I lived approximately fifteen miles from the city and I usually had a LONG way home. Leaving the house for school, work or whatever reason was usually not the problem. Getting home under "unforeseen" circumstances was another.

Here were the problems.
Location: We were in a cotton field so you could see a car's headlights for miles away and I'm afraid driving with lights off was not an option unless you wanted a "new" hood ornament for your car that looks like a deer, skunk, raccoon or possum!
Animals: We always had a zoo when I was a teenager. Dogs, cats, snake and other "exotics" all seemed to show up at our doorstep and never leave. This mean you were always welcomed by a barking dog. Even with the lights off and your car turned off and coasting in in neutral gear those dam#@ dogs would bark. I tried hot dogs, pork chops, doggie treats and left over fast food, you name it. If they would just "chew" their food instead of gulp it down I might have had a chance.

Mom would set traps near the hallway. Only one way in!!

Booby Traps: Yes, mom was a crafty one. No, she didn't wait up for me. But she did the next best thing, traps! Unfortunately my house was easy to set traps. My father told the home builder, "I want a house with one long hall with rooms on the sides like a "cat house." And that's what he got. This resulted in a "choke point" in the hallway that contained the rocking chair my mom always sat in to watch television, read or sew. There was no bypassing this "checkpoint". It was in this area she would strategically place a footstool or other object in the path to my room. Of course in the dark you never saw it until you tripped over it!

Mom's "Hide Site". She would hide behind the partition and jump out to scare me!

Surprise Attack: Mom grew up with four brothers which meant she knew how to hide. We had the classic living room entryway that had a small partition to the side as you walked in the front door. This was the usual point from which, assuming she heard you "trying" to sneak in, she would jump out and give you a heart attack. Normally scaring you to death would suffice and she would just laugh and go back to bed. From there you just went to your room, changed your underwear and went to bed.
Sneak into Bedroom Window: Ha! Although our house was built in 1966 and had the new fancy "storm windows" that were the rage, they presented a problem. It was almost IMPOSSIBLE to get the things to open. You couldn't even get them open for fresh air, much less open to crawl inside! Hey, in the 60's having central air was a miracle, why would you want to foul the system up by opening a window! Another interesting fact. Forget the small units we now have for our central air units. We had an air conditioning unit that was so big you could climb on top of it and get onto the roof of the house. The fan was so large it sounded like a World War II bomber taking off when it turned on. I got so used to the sound that it took years for me to get used to going to sleep without hearing a fan noise!

If only I had dug a tunnel back into the house. It was "Pier-and-beam" construction! It was a farm, I had the tools!

"The Tunnel": Believe it or not our home had return air vents for the central air that weren't sealed so you could remove them. I could actually get under the house and crawl around to different room. Remember I was a skinny little toothpick then. If I could make it to the living room I might possibly crawl my way to my room undetected. Well, after "Crash and Burn" night at the local pub, I was in no condition to squeeze through a hole in the floor. My luck I would be stuck like Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree.

I don't think mom would be as civil as Christopher Robin if she caught me stuck in a hole!

As I look back on these days, I'm glad I made it back home safe (Unless mom caught me). I was young and stupid and once you grow older and have kids of your own you realize your parents were always one step ahead of you or at least knew your habits. Well, usually. I WAS a resourceful little devil. As long as I didn''t need bail money or the emergency room they were pretty tolerant. These days Homeland Security and law enforcement adds a level of danger beyond the stupidity of driving home too late or after having too much to drink.....GPS, helicopters and extended jail time! The point was made abundantly clear to me when my oldest daughter got her driver's license. She look at me smiled and said, "Hey Dad, now I can be your designated driver!" Wow, that was one of the sweetest things I ever heard! Of course I could have just gone out to the field and slept under the irrigation well. It sure would have saved a lot of trouble. After all, I was wearing cheesy Chess King clothes so what did it matter!

"Flashdance" or "White Boys Can't Dance"

2011-09-08T14:38:00.005-05:00

Who didn't love Dancing Bear on Captain Kangaroo (Those of you old enough to remember).
You'll have to guess which one is him. See him dance in my video section.

How many of you remember "Dancing Bear"? If you do then you might make sure your AARP dues are up to date. Dancing Bear was a character on an early children's show called "Captain Kangaroo". Captain Kangaroo ran for 30 years and was like a variety show for children with live guests and an assortment of puppets. I remember one character vividly. It was "Dancing Bear". Dancing Bear was a live performer wearing a bear suit. Yes, the bear suit was ridiculous, but hey, the Bear can dance! This was different, because the particular religious affiliation my family belonged to (That would be Church of Christ)frowned on dancing and instrumental music. This meant there was no "Dancing Matt" in the house. As a young boy, Dancing Bear was my first exposure to dance (Hey...I lived in a cotton field, remember?) And another thing, I was strapped into a high chair in front of the TV, what else was I going to do but watch the Captain.

Living in Texas in a rural community meant that dance was not unknown. It usually meant going to a "Barn Party" and seeing some extremely inebriated individuals shuffling back in forth in some sawdust or hay on the floor taking an occasional break for the restroom or to get a refill of beer from a beer keg. Barn Parties were the rural form of a "Block Party". The difference was that our block covered about 50 square miles. Just mention beer and barbecue and you had a party. Everyone was friendly and hospitable. You could bring your family, friends and pets, just don't expect the dog to drive you home! Hypocrisy ran deep in those years. Seeing your neighbors in church and at a Barn Party was like seeing two alternate universes. The "Doorman" at your local church might be the one serving the beer or pinching the women at a local Barn Party (Yes, I'm talking about YOU Cousin Dean!). Still, the parties were great fun and part of a Texas we grew up in. And as a kid, you could wait until late when the adults were "buzzing" and sneak a glass of beer when they weren't paying attention or the "Beer Guard Dog" was feasting on some dinner scraps.

Ok, some eye candy..the "Flashdance" movie clip with Jennifer Beal

I mention the Barn Parties because they were one of my first introductions to dancing. The sisters of my friends and neighbors usually tried to teach those of us who were clueless about dancing. At least if you lived on a farm, you had access to work boots or steel toed shoes! The sisters of good friends of mine made a brave attempt to teach me the "Texas Two-Step". Those of you familiar with the dance may realize it's really a dance created for those with limited range. It's like skipping forward, just start with the correct leg! Kim and Beth tried their best, but I still SUCKED! The good thing about the two-step was that you could "fake" it pretty well. Now if a Line Dance like the "Cotton Eyed Joe" started, you're in trouble. If you're locked in a line with a large group of people they tend to notice your clumsiness, or just fall on top of you when you trip them!! Then the dreaded decade arrived....the 70's!! (I'm referring to Disco...)

This now is a costume, but I hate to say it is pretty accurate, and I had TWO suits in the 70s!

Wow, the 70's....I vaguely remember it. I do remember the fact that we worked mostly cash jobs and spent every penny of it. Remember this was the decade of "Chess King" and three for one drink specials. The daily schedule was work...get cash, go to Chess King to catch the sale on tight slacks or assorted shirts with over-sized collars and do our best Tony Manero from the movie "Saturday Night Fever". Items from Chess King only lasted for one night so you might as well live it up!
With disco you couldn't hide your lack of dancing skills. You were out there with a partner with a "mirror ball" and other bright lights trying to find your groove. Unfortunately...I never found mine.
Actually I'm not sure what style of dancing disco really was. I guess considering all of the alcohol and controlled substances involved it would be considered "self-expression". Still, you had to give credit to any man who could dance with platform shoes!

I found an easier way to enjoy dancing in the 90's!

The 80's, no problem. No one really dances to hair-band music. But there is an exception. Gay Clubs! I'm afraid the real dancers of that period went to the gay bars because they played the best techno and dance or "club" music. Plus there was an added bonus. Women! Yes, for some reason women thought they could go to the gay clubs to escape predatory males. WRONG! Men are sneaky and resourceful. If a man isn't willing to hunt women in a gay bar then he must not want one very much! The 90's weren't much different. Dance clubs weren't that common. Large country bars were common, but gay clubs were still the best dance clubs. Dallas has some very good clubs although they were trendy and had short life spans. I usually preferred to go to clubs where someone did the dancing for me, don't ask!!

I had a unique problem concerning dancing. First, I couldn't, second, I seemed to always have a girlfriend that was a great dancer. Dumb luck!! At least most of them were very considerate and didn't make too much fun of me (Thank you LaLa!). The best solution was to get into the crowd and keep them close. Hey...if I couldn't dance at least I could "paw" on them in the confusion!!
So, to this day I still am a lousy dancer and most women just grab me and start to "lead". One day I may decide to take dance lessons, or maybe just drink a few more beers before hitting the dance floor (I'm taking donations, lessons are expensive!). Of course when that time comes my companions in the nursing home won't be so critical of my dancing moves, just a quick spin of the wheelchair will suffice!

"I Feel the Need for Speed"

2011-08-31T16:08:00.005-05:00

Still skating at 50! Little did I know a golf cart was bearing down on me with the photographer in it!

I remember when the movie "Top Gun" hit the theaters. It was 1986 and I was in the Army stationed in Alaska. We were in an Army Airborne Unit, which meant there was an abundance of testosterone. A common phrase was "high speed low drag". Any movie with fast cars, planes, motorcycles and hot women HAD to be good! We went to see that movie time and time again. People were yelling and screaming practically the entire movie (The Rocky Horror Picture Show was still more fun!). We didn't even seem to notice the really bad 80's music. Sorry Berlin fans, I was not a fan of the song "Take My Breath Away", although Debra Harry was still hot back then. Wow, that WAS a long time ago.
Being naturally "wired" all of the time, I always sought out more extreme sports. This post addresses how sports have saved me over the years, or at least the years before I was medicated.

I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I was average in high school sports. I probably didn't weigh 140lbs. I still participated in most of the sports offerings like many of the male students of a small rural school. After starting college, I began a transition and even played the Sousaphone (Tuba) in the university marching band. By this I mean a really skinny kid carried the biggest instrument! You have to realize the instrument weighed 80lbs! That started to put "meat on my bones". Of course "All-You-Can Eat" restaurants were popular too! At the same time, I began to ride my bicycle more and more and included regular weight training.
Growing up on a farm, my bicycle was an important part of my life. Before I began to drive, it was the only transportation I had to friend's homes. When your nearest neighbor or friend could be miles away, that's important. Remember the most popular bicycle during these years was the "Sting Ray". Not exactly a racing bike. Heavy, no gears and "ape-hanger" handlebars. The standard bicycles were no better. They were steel and most weighed at least 40lbs. I rode my bike everywhere so I was very comfortable riding.

Living near the campus exposed me to a nearby bicycle shop called "Hutchison's Cycles". It was a small local shop with a dedicated group of cycling fanatics as employees. There I purchased my first "road bike". I was a starving college student working as a waiter at a local restaurant, so my first good bicycle was purchased on layaway. This "sucked" because it meant your bicycle was still on the floor of the business with a "SOLD" sign on it. It also meant that you could walk into the store everyday to "pet" your future treasure. (Too bad we couldn't sell blood plasma then!). Slowly but surely the bike was paid off and I took possession. It was expensive, a little too tall, but it weighed around 20lbs. and flew like the wind and it was mine! I learned all of the routes through the city and the bicycle was my preferred mode of transportation. Keep in mind this was before most Texans were driving large SUV's or giant Ford pickups. I did have to call the "sag" wagon a few times if I accidently spiIled beer down my throat and couldn't ride safely. I joined the local bicycle club and rode regular training rides and amateur competition. This was the norm until the ominous day I signed on the "dotted line" and rented myself out to "Uncle Sam" for a few years of government service in the U.S. Army.

I'll not elaborate on how many ways the Army tried to "exterminate" me, that's for another post. Suffice it to say we parachuted, climbed mountains (It didn't look that big from the bottom did it Sgt. Steve?) rappelled out of helicopters all for another $80 a month. Priceless! I struggled to find work after the Army and having a "9 to 5" job left little daylight to start riding my bicycle again the distances I was accustomed to. It was during that period that providence struck. While working at my first full-time computer job, I met a brilliant programmer named James that suggested an alternative to cycling. In-line skating! I had never thought of that one. I purchased a pair of Rollerblade Hockey Skates, drank an infamous "party ball" of beer with my friends, donned the skates and away I went. Ah the party ball....5.2 gallons of your favorite alcoholic beverage. I guess you could say it was the fear equalizer for all occasions. After sharing that you were ready to try anything. The night I learned to skate we went to the campus nearby. I did surprisingly well and after that I was hooked.

K2 Skates-90mm wheels, ABEC 10 bearings and extruded u-rails. All a growing boy needs!

As my skill increased I accumulated quite a collection of in-line skates. I had eleven pair at one point. I really enjoyed cycling, but there was something about in-line skating that calmed me. This was years before ADHD was a common diagnosis. I think the sports I participated in at middle age definitely helped me cope with my condition. It may not have addressed all of the symptoms, but it definitely helped. For a period of time, the highway surfaces were suited for skating and I skated through much of the city despite the fact we have few contiguous sidewalks. Eventually the streets were re-surfaced with too rough a surface to skate safely and I finally settled into a routine of skating on the local college campus. I settled on K-2 skates and got to know the campus police enough they left me alone.
So, for over ten years, skating on the college campus has been my routine. I began to recognize every squirrel, stray cat, rock, crack and sprinkler on campus. Of course I never notice any of the "other" scenery (Women!). And don't listen to those roller skate guys.....in-line skates are faster!

Crazy American!

My travels to China were a challenge. It is common for me to bring my skates with me on vacation. I traveled light going to China, but upon my arrival, I found a sporting goods shop with an acceptable pair of in-line skates for a "paltry" sum. Hey, I look GOOD with pink skates on! Remember, dressing "cute" is a Chinese tradition. Even a grizzled old man is not ashamed to carry a "Snoopy" umbrella if it serves it's purpose. I donned my new skates and skated circles around the apartment building I was visiting. My Chinese daughter followed on her small bicycle. It was funny. I was probably the only "white boy" within a thousand miles and I was skating around a huge apartment complex 28 stories high with a small Chinese girl on a pink bike trying to follow behind. Some waved, some laughed and some tried to say the two or three English words they knew. Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan and Yao Ming were favorites. I didn't laugh. It matched my equivalent mastery of Mandarin Chinese.

Now, although I'm being "medicated", I find great "peace" in skating. Staying in motion in both mind and body keeps you alive. My dream retirement includes great scenery, financial independence, big wheels, (at least 90mm) fast bearings on my skates, a smooth surface to skate on, and plenty of bubble gum that doesn't lose it's flavor! Two other crucial inline skating accessories are a tasty beverage (non-alcoholic, that comes later!) and music (to taste of course). When you are a long way from the finish line and feel like you can't go on, a song like Judas Priest, "Turbo Lover" could save your life!

Matt's Kitchen Nightmares

2011-08-23T16:55:00.004-05:00

WARNING! Some pictures of my kitchen are graphic in nature!
Viewer Discretion Advised

Occasionally I do actually watch the television set. One of the shows that caught my attention was "Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares". The show revolves around Chef Gordon Ramsey as he tries to help failing restaurants by staying with them a week and trying to solve some of their problems. I thought to myself, "Who do I call to help MY situation?" My problem encompasses more than one area but for this post, I'll stick to the kitchen. If I had to choose, I think my "kitchen savior" would be a cross between Samantha Stevens, the housewife/witch in the old series "Bewitched" and "Mary Poppins". I say this because it may require magical powers to ultimately solve my problem. What IS my problem you say? My kitchen is a disaster and my wife doesn't even seem to notice!

I have the rare privilege of having a spouse with little domestic abilities. She's Chinese and while in China she was fortunate to have a father who was THE domestic for the family. My wife was a teacher and worked long hours. For years her father, who was retired, did all of the household duties.

Now before marriage, I was a bachelor after many years, I learned many things.
For instance:
Change the cat box
Don't leave dirty dishes in the sink.
Take out the trash regularly ( And don't buy the GIANT trashcan just because you don't want to take out the trash as much).
Put dirty clothes in a hamper.
Vacuum if you have carpet, sweep if you have a bare floor.
Use cleaning products. I learned in the Army that if you smell bleach, SOMETHING must be clean!
Clean the toilet.
Cover your food.

Now to give my wife some credit. She doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink. BUT....she doesn't wash dishes with soap. Evidently, using mass quantities of water gets them just as clean. She does take out the garbage often, but she makes sure YOU don't throw out something important. Meaning just because you threw something in the trash doesn't mean it's the last time you've seen it. This could be plastic bags, flavor packets from Ramen Noodles, etc. Now my wife cooks often. This means that she keeps the most common bowls, cooking utensils out in plain sight. You have to move with care around the kitchen or an avalanche could occur at any time. Our house and kitchen are not large but there are some storage areas.

Watch those bowls, you'll knock them off! Notice dish washing liquid on window sill. That's a five year supply for my wife!

I guess my biggest complaint is there is no organization at all. It bothers me and I have ADHD!! That HAS to be bad. It's just that nothing gets put away. Now I will give her credit for cooking and cleaning up her mess after meal preparation, but it just seems odd that a "female" does not have some "innate" instinct to nest. By this I meant some semblance of order in the kitchen. It makes a point that we need to bring back Home Economics to the public education system.

In my case it makes a few obvious points:
Put your leftovers or foodstuffs in a covered container, not in a bowl or the original "Wal-Mart bag.
Mold is NOT another food group. Use some bleach on those cooking surfaces!
Floors need love too. If it looks dirty, it probably IS!!
Three years is WAY too long to wait to clean out a refrigerator.
Be selective in what you save, recycle or "hoard". I know you may think the Martians may want some when they come, but that's a BIG "what if"!
Eventually, if you pile "stuff" high enough, it will fall down.

Early in my marriage, I once asked my wife, doesn't that dirty floor bother you and make you want to clean it? She said "I thought you should clean it, you'd have to clean it if I weren't here." Hmmm, must be Chinese logic.

So, I cope. I get fed up and sweep and mop floors, launch a massive "bleach attack" on the kitchen and make sure I eat Thai food to kill any parasites I might have contracted.

Looks like a good place for a sack of potatoes, at least you can find them easily!

One odd thing. She leaves a sack of potatoes in the entry way to the kitchen. Trip over it? Yes, sometimes. I clean the floor and they are put in exactly the same place. Theory? I am guessing that it must have to do with a Chinese theory of preservation. It's like storing food inside a pyramid shape or near some "power crystals". Location, Location. Something about the entry way of the kitchen must make them last longer! Who am I to question 3000 years of Chinese culture!

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"The Big Cheese"

2011-08-16T09:37:00.000-05:00

There's one in every crowd!!

What comes to mind when you hear the terms: Kiss-Up, Brown-Nose, Suck-Up, Teacher's Pet, etc.? (I could go on, but I'm trying not to be too profane.) For the sake of this post I need to add the term "enabler" as well. The title "Big Cheese" refers to one of the better practical jokes I have ever seen while serving in the U.S. Army. It involves a practical joke played on one of our Platoon Sergeants, SSG Hampton, by our Company First Sergeant Davis Parham (I hope he never reads this blog....he's a Sergeant-Major now!) I normally don't mention names, but it's necessary in this case. First of all, SSG Hampton was one of the biggest "Cheese Eaters" you have ever seen and was graced with the nickname "Hampton Cheese"!

All of us have experienced individuals who go out of their way to try to "weasel" their way into favor with people of influence whether they be family, friends or co-workers. It's amazing the lengths some people will go to utterly humiliate themselves in front of others in order to gain favor. Then there is the other variant. The "Enabler". We see this in the media everyday. Young celebrities are the most common example. In order to gain their favor, friends and staff members constantly re-enforce their behavior good or bad.

My SSG Hampton example shows the funny side of "Brown-Nosing". Actually SSG Hampton was a good soldier, but he definitely wasn't the "sharpest tool in the shed". The time period was at the tail end of the Cold War. I was part of the activation of a new Infantry Division in Alaska. As such, we trained constantly, which translates to we were "deployed" often. As a result we, as Non-Commissioned Officers, met regularly to discuss upcoming field exercises. So picture a small office packed with a wide assortment of Army Sergeants. We had everything from the soon to be retiring Vietnam veterans just trying to live long enough to retire and have just ONE MORE cigarette to the "fresh meat" with only a few years in service. In this mix was SSG Hampton. He circled the First Sergeant in these meeting like a whirlwind saying the usual "Yes Top", "You're right Top". I guess the best analogy would be the two dogs in the Warner Brother's "Looney Toons" Chester and Spike. Chester is constantly running around Spike agreeing with him until he eventually receives a slap! SSG Hampton always provided the entertainment in our meetings but he didn't stop there. After the work day ended you could see him out in front of our building doing strange things like spraying down the formation area with water. Anyone that has military service knows that staying after work to do ANYTHING is a stretch. After work you're ready to go home! Especially as much as we were deployed. Obvious "Cheese Eating".

Now background on First Sergeant Parham. Parham was a classic. A Drill Sergeant for many years and Vietnam Veteran. As such, he was one of the most consummate sadists I ever met. He had it down to an art. He constantly demonstrated the common Army saying: I can't MAKE you do it, but I can make you WISH you had! He had this permanent sneer on his face that made you think he knew every secret you THOUGHT you had (The "Cat That Ate the Canary" look). And he probably did! Parham was always surprisingly quiet during SSG Hampton's actions. We never quite understood it. I guess you could say that Parham used "all" his assets. He would let Hampton dance around him all day if he got some "use" out of him. We always knew SPIES were everywhere! It never ceased to amazed me the things the First Sergeant knew! Of course we knew the source.....BROWN-NOSERS! I could go on and on about Parham but ON with my story!

Oh if only I had a picture of the real medal!

The Hampton/Parham scenario went on for some time, then came the day. It was one of those rare days in Anchorage, Alaska. The weather was warm, the sky "mostly" clear. We had spent the day cleaning our equipment after returning from another field exercise. We were having our closing formation, or meeting of the Company before going home for the day. Then it happened. The Platoon Sergeants started to "dress" up the platoons, which means they were trying to align the troops to look all "straight and pretty". This was the usual sign of something of consequence happening. After this, we noticed the First Sergeant and Company Commander getting into position for what we knew was an awards presentation. We thought "What the @#&*!" We wanted to go home! Then, the Captain took his position with his Executive Office (Lt. Davis, my friend) holding a small container containing a medal. We all looked at each other saying, "Who's getting the medal?" Then the unexpected. The Captain says "Staff Sergeant Hampton front and center!" We almost swallowed our tongues! Hampton Cheese getting a MEDAL! SSG Hampton "double-timed" up to the front of the formation with the biggest grin you have ever seen. Finally, his "cheese eating" had paid off! So, SSG Hampton is "standing tall" at the front of the formation as we stood speechless. Then the "frosting on the cake".
The Captain gave the usual speech on why someone would get a medal without even using the term "cheese". So wrong! Then,he took the medal case, opened it and low and behold there it was! The MEDAL! He took the ribbon attached to the medal slowly, lifted it and there it was....a HUGE piece of CHEESE!!!! The Captain placed the ribbon around SSG Hampton neck with Hampton red as a beet! Actually he took it like a man, which by the way you LEARN to do in the Army! The trap was set and sprung with masterful precision. It was a good thing SSG Hampton kept the formation area so clean. Because we were all rolling around on it laughing that day! At least the First Sergeant was a sadist with a sense of humor!

Fate or Karma usually catches up to the "cheese eaters". Most of them find that the objects of their attention don't fall for their show. They don't get included in the will or get that big promotion...you just earn a label.....WEASEL!!!!! So try to get ahead by using some good old fashioned hard work and demonstrating some pride and self-esteem. In other words be a "Weasel Slapper" (See my post on Weasel Slappers) and you'll get ahead in life! Gee, I wonder where SSG Hamton is now??? Washington??

"It's a Sin" or as Mom Used to Say: "You'll Burn for That!"

2011-08-12T10:02:00.008-05:00

The Acuff Church of Christ..if I was still breathing, Mom ensured I went every time the door opened. Maybe this explains some of my "unusual" behavior..

As I was listening to my new music service "Spotify" the other day, I came across an old Pet Shop Boys tune called "It's A Sin". Now remember, I was a socialite in the 80's. , Just because you like the Pet Shop Boys doesn't mean you're gay, it just means you're "progressive". Remember, it was anything goes in the 80's! There was a part of the song that was as follows:

"When I look back upon my life

It's always with a sense of shame

I've always been the one to blame

For everything I long to do

No matter when or where or who

Has one thing in common, too

It's a......sin"...

Pet Shop Boys, "It's a Sin"

This struck a chord. It made me think of how many of my "favorite things" past and present might be considered a sin. (Oh, I'm putting a time limit on composing my list,)

Let's see:

Going to Night Clubs....sin

Happy Hour with Friends....sin.

"Experimentation" with various substances.....sin

Chasing/Lusting after Women....sin

Having impure thoughts....sin

Using profanity...sin

Watching NASCAR...sin (Just kidding!)

Lusting after female Fox News Reporters....sin (I have the sound turned off!)

My conversations with the owner of my favorite Thai restaurant, Tahn (friend for 30yrs).....sin

Crude behavior....sin (I'll spare you by not elaborating)

Dating women in the entertainment industry....sin

Telling my wife I was on a business trip....sin

Liking the band "The Pet Shop Boys"....sin (kidding)

Knowing all the episodes of the Three Stooges and Married with Children....sin

Breaking some Law on occasion....there's so many....sin

That's enough for now. My Mom never cut me any "slack". She let me know what she considered right and wrong. I guess I just usually preferred the latter and yes I "paid" for it (Assuming she found out). I was left to my own devices as a child. When you grow up on a farm and are isolated your imagination tends to wander. When you finally get the chance act...you do so with "gusto"! From the early days of traveling in our family Airstream trailer, Mom had her work cut out for her. As soon as the wheels stopped I was "out of the gate" and looking for fun. And I usually found it!

It IS sinful, but at one time I knew every bar special, entertainment venue and food special throughout the city of Lubbock, Texas every day of the week!

So, don't feel alone if you're an occasional "sinner". No one's perfect. Thankfully responsibilities to my family and friends and increased funding for law enforcement has slowed me down (And maybe middle age to an extent). Just remember, you only have one life to live..so what's it going to be? Fun or boring?

Of course there COULD be a downside. What if Mom IS right!

This could be ME! (Scene from "Little Nicky")

Of course I could take the attitude my Thai friend Tahn has. He says, "Why would I want to go to Heaven, I don't know anybody up there!"

So, say ten "Hail Mary's" and look for my next post! Thanks for reading.

"Heaven and Hell: The O-Bar Story, Part II"

2011-07-31T22:31:00.001-05:00

The "Love Shack"
To some, this might seem a greasy, dirty, roach infested storage area for a local "dive" establishment. Well, you'd be right! But to some with enough beer in their system, it's a 2 Star Hotel Suite!

It's been a while since I've posted Part One of the "Heaven and Hell: The O-Bar Story". So it's time for the final chapter. Understand I have to condense a large volume of material. The O-Bar of the 1990's was an ever-changing environment. Initially it was broken up into several categories and zones within the bar. I'm leaving out (at least for this post) any stories of my romantic escapades within the "hallowed" walls of the O-Bar as not to incriminate myself. I've worked hard for my bad reputation!

"The Rail"
The inhabitants of the Rail were composed primarily of locals, business professionals and small business owners. On occasion they welcomed a "guest" in the "Rail Zone" if they happened to be a long lost pal or an old friend down on his luck and needing some companionship. Everyone sat in their "designated area" and most even had their usual bar stool with the understanding that others were accustomed to changing places if they were in the wrong chair! This was usually the "Know-it-all-zone". There was a self-described expert for every field of endeavor. You could find everything from a lawyer to a plumber or car mechanic in this area. This is the area that I learned a bar is the worst place to find your accountant or lawyer (Or girlfriend!). Your first indication is when you call them at the office and they say, "Oh, I think he's at the O-Bar, aren't you there too?" Bad sign. The other feature of this area is elevation. Everyone sat much higher than any of the other customers so they can examine all of the patrons on the floor. I guess you could see it as a board of acceptance for new customers. You either made the club, or you were "blackballed". People were easy to talk to, or otherwise "full of bullshit", so you had your chance if you sought membership to the Rail.

"The Tables"
The O-Bar has a group of tables in a seating area between the "Rail" and the main bar. The inhabitants of this area were usually a few regular groups who preferred to sit at arms length from the waitress service area. Then they could just stick their hand out for refills and not wait for a waitress. These parties usually numbered four or more. This was also the area that regulars brought new patrons to. They were usually dates, co-workers and family. The was a kind of the "display" area. From the Rail or the main bar everyone could see the "fresh meat" visiting the O-Bar! The O-Bar was also what is known as a "Schooner Bar". This mean that the drink of choice was normally a very large glass "schooner" of beer. They were also the place for the recent trendy drink shots and "schooner versions" of group drinks like Dr. Pepper Shootouts. Not selling beer, wine and liquor in Lubbock County at this time demonstrated the backlash the law produced. More people just went to drinking establishments to drink rather than make the 20 mile trek to the liquor store. The drink prices at bars were very competitive and you could buy beer at many bars for as little as $1USD.

"The Bar"
This was the area served by the bartenders. They were required to "schuck" oysters, since it WAS an oyster bar, and serve their bar customers. This was usually where people wanting to have a quick drink and leave or where friends of the bartenders or other service staff sat. The end of the bar was reserved for local "bookies" and some regulars that preferred to lean on the bar. "Striking a pose" was a favorite pastime there. I'm sure many shady business transactions were made there as well. It was actually a very dangerous place to sit. As you became a regular, the bar was often the site of non-stop shot taking. Often the bartender would just hand you a small glass with some concoction and encourage you drink it. These was a "lethal" practice. With prices so low, practically everyone could actually afford to buy a drink or two for their friends. It always seemed to happen when you were ready to leave. That's how being stupid starts! Luckily there were several law enforcement that came there off duty so they tolerated the establishment more than others.
The staff was/is colorful. Or maybe just too MEAN to fire! You had the sweet young beautiful "nature girl" waitress and the mean tempered "What do you want?" There were never more than two and it took an iron will to ignore the male stupidity levels during a shift. The bartender all had their trademarks. Take your pick. Pony-tail hairstyle, bodybuilding, earrings, tattoos, they had it all. Every week a bartender would get a death threat from either an ex-girlfriend/wife or from a female patron's boyfriend. Not surprisingly, many of the same bartenders still work there. 20 years of bar tending HAS to take a toll on a person and it has in this case. A combination of cigarette smoke, alcohol and controller substances for that many years shows on your face. I don't care how much "fun" bar tending may be, it comes at a price. And as we Texans say, "The old grey mare she ain't what she used to be." You aren't looking any younger and your jokes aren't as funny after 20 years. Denying that sometimes can turn into some "legal" trouble for a few more aggressive personalities behind the bar.
Several groups were also present. There were the "pepper heads", lovers of hot peppers always trying to "one up" each other. There were the "gardeners". The gardeners bring in produce to give away and share their growing secrets. Some of the gardeners were very talented. The "pharmacists" were popular. I combine users of both legal and illegal drugs in this one. Either they were bragging about the prescription to pain medication they just got or they are looking for a "local reseller" of the other kind. The "Bikers" were always there. There were several authentic bikers that frequented the O-Bar. Many used their motorcycles as their primary means of transportation and lived the life. Then there were the students. Lubbock is most definitely a college town. There were always a contingent of college students for the university that added a certain diversity or breath of fresh air.

"The Mirror". Do some recon before you think you're out of sight smooching some "other" women".

"The Mirror"
There are two distinct landmarks in the O-Bar still in existence. One is the mirror. The mirror was a large mirror with a beer advertisement etching. The position of the mirror was the key. It gave everyone a view of the small hallway in from of the two restrooms and the pay phone. An experienced regular patron could track their date, or "mark" for the night by seeing around the corner and work out their evil plan for the evening while their woman/man is away from the table. It also tended to backfire on occasion. Some poor soul would take a woman other than their date to go to the restroom hallway and start kissing. Unfortunately they forget that they can be seen in the mirror. This made for some interesting events.

"The Love Shack"
Ah the Love Shack. Let me think of an analogy. Remember the famous discotheque "Studio 54"? In the club, there were areas reserved for the privileged. There were basements and secret rooms that the rich and famous were allowed to carry out their fantasies. It was a very cheap version of that! The "Love Shack" was a small outer building behind the O-Bar. It was usually used for storage, but many staff and regulars used it as sort of a VIP Club. If you knew it was there, you could go out the back door and carry out your fantasy or bad habit which could involve anything from women to controlled substances. It was kind of like going into the "gas chamber" during Army Basic Training. Some people could handle it better than others (Much like going to the O-Bar itself!). You might go into the Love Shack and never remember coming out!

I tell of the O-Bar for a reason. I've lived the social for life for many years. Now I'm in transition.
You have to reflect and face the reality that you have to adjust your life when approaching mid-life. The O-Bar was fun and I still value many of my friends (still alive) that go there. But, like my best friend says, you'll only change your bad habits by not going to the places that promote them. I Occasionally I visit the O-Bar to say hello. There you are immediately confronted with reality. Some of the same customers are there over a decade later. They're STILL there. Some even sitting in the same seat! (They don't remodel) It's becoming more difficult to recognize them these days. After scanning the bar for less than fifteen minutes I realized I've made the right decision not becoming a permanent fixture of the O-Bar. I might compare it the the biblical story of Lot and his wives fleeing the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah before God destroyed them. One of Lot's wives looked back to see the destruction and turned into a pillar of salt. If you want to live a long and prosperous life, it would be wise to run from the O-Bar as fast as you can and not look back! Except in this case, if you look back you're more likely to turn into a fried "Catfish Basket"!

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" I Have Underwear Older Than You"

2011-07-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

A pair of my old Army underwear. After 30 days in the "the field", they still look great! Of course they don't SMELL great...

Did you ever reflect and wonder how mankind will survive? I sit in a restaurant and watch America's youth in their "gangsta wanna be" outfits, sagging pants, "duck" billed cap turned sideways, constantly looking at their smart phone as if they were waiting for a stay of execution from the governor. I think to myself, well maybe in some ways we were the same at that age, but what was considered "cool" was WAY different. I fail to comprehend how looking like a "gansta" would ever get you anything other than a gunshot wound, or a sexually transmitted disease from a "gansta" groupie that says "yes" to everyone.
Yes, I will admit I followed some fads, but they usually involved a pair of jeans, tennis shoes or shirt. Not an entire ensemble. Now you need the jersey, jewelry, duck billed hat, baggy shorts (that aren't technically shorts), cool phone, and if you're REAL lucky some big "rims" on your car. No money? No problem! You can rent the tires and rims of your dreams at a local "Rent-To-Buy" store and pay on them bi-weekly. It really worries me that our future may depend on someone that embraces a culture of total stupidity. I'm afraid I've seen many "middle aged" men embrace the same look. When things like sagging pants, which if I'm not mistaken originated as a prison protest statement, become popular we have a problem. Now bandannas on the head with tilted, backwards duck billed hat and a number of tattoos makes you "cool".

In our time, the closest thing to this look were "bikers". It was easy to tell the "wanna be" bikers from the real ones. The two wrenches you had to carry was one. You needed to fix your "Harley" often in those times. Also they sometimes had their gang logos, facial hair and home tattoos. Like many situations, it wasn't the "loud" bikers you had to fear. The "gansta" look is a little too clean cut.

The epitome of cool in the 70's. (A gentlemen named Bruce's Angel Flight suit)

I do have a confession to make...I DID own an "Angel Flight" suit in the 70's. But at least I wore a belt!!
I found that keeping a "classic" style is much safer and less expensive. If you want to be cool or impress the "chicks", just be nice to people. I would think being "gansta" might tend to attract the wrong kind of women. Kind of like dating a "stripper" in the 90's. Not that I had any experience in that field. (I didn't know she was a stripper at the time I was on vacation. Confidentially, she was actually a good girlfriend, who knew!) Of course there was the girl I dated just because she could put her legs behind her head, but that's DIFFERENT!

Image via Wikipedia

Personally, there's only one way to show your underwear AND show off a tattoo.....TRAMP STAMP!!

Hey, don't knock my green Army underwear. I'm keeping them under lock and key. When the economy implodes and we are fighting for survival (Picture "Mad Max") I will have them and never have to worry what my underwear looks like no matter HOW LONG I wear them! In the Army you had "levels" of clean!

"Heaven and Hell: The O-Bar Story: Part I of II!"

2011-06-26T16:41:00.175-05:00

The "Lone Star Oyster Bar"

At one time there was a big swirling vortex that led to another dimension over the building! The only explaination for some of the patrons.

The O-Bar: Part 1

It's never good to be late for a meeting. It's a good philosophy and one that I followed "religiously" assuming it was the right religion. For years my destination after work was an infamous neighborhood bar fondly called the "O-Bar" by it's patrons. While married to my first wife, I happened to live just a few blocks from the bar. We often frequented the establishment and after my divorce, I made it my immediate destination as my coping mechanism after divorce. This evolved into a 2-3 year odyssey for me. The story and characters involved could support a blog of their own. I plan on breaking this post into two parts. So now I will give you the abridged version or possibly my version of "The O-Bar for Dummies".

Wow, where to start. I guess the beginning is a good place. Before the cockroaches, the smelly toilet, the greasy food and the smoke filled atmosphere there was the Seafood Shop. The Seafood Shop was the first restaurant in the building. I remember going there for buckets of cold-boiled shrimp. Then one day the Seafood Shop was no more. From the "ashes" rose the Lone Star Oyster Bar.

For better or worse, a legend was born. First some more background on Lubbock, Texas. The city is typical of towns in the Southwest. Keep in mind we live on the Great Plains. That means "space" is no problem. Builders spread projects out and unlike many communities the residential areas and business areas were separate. There are only a few examples of an actual "neighborhood" in the common sense. We are used to having transportation, which meant that we are USED to driving to get where we need to go. There were few areas where you could actually walk to the store for necessities. Schools were built next to residential areas but not businesses. The Lone Star Oyster Bar was located in one of the older neighborhoods. It is the closest to having a "neighborhood bar" that you could find. Most other businesses were in more of a commercial area. The building was small, seating no more than about seventy people, had little ventilation, a long bar made of an old shuffleboard table, tables scattered in the middle and the typical bar in front of the service area. The bar had another unique factor. Geography. It was located near a combination of affluent, student and middle income neighborhoods. The O-Bar was also very close to Texas Tech University. This formed a very diverse crowd. Another contributing factor to this melding of "classes" was cheap beer. As they say in the service industry, "sell beer cheap and they will come!"

The "Rail", the old shuffleboard table made into a bar. Think of it as the "Knights of the Round Table" except substitute regular alcoholic patrons for Knights!

In the early '90's, the O-Bar was the only bar in town that you could find a "Bad" Lawyer, CPA, mechanic, carpenter, painter, boyfriend or girlfriend all in one place! The good thing about the Oyster Bar was it had an excellent "Happy Hour" after work. So many came there from all walks of life. There were business professionals, educators, students and other assorted patrons from all over the city. It was never a dull moment. Even women! Their specialty consisted of 16 ounce "schooners" of your favorite beer and deeply discounted mixed drinks made from alcohol of "dubious origin". They had a kitchen that had surprisingly good seafood, oysters especially. They also served "blackened" dishes. I never knew if the blackened seasoning was from spices or from just coming in contact with the floor! Luckily, you had enough beer in that huge glass to "flush" about any taste from your palate!
The bar was staffed by long-time employees. Their servers consisted of an assortment of near "au naturale" women, some good some bad, some SCARY. The place was always packed after work and the air contained more smoke than a smokescreen from a World War II Destroyer. If you happened to be there, you would be foolish to lie to your significant other and say you hadn't been there when you smelled like a "smoke house". Oh my poor leather coats! The entire city seemed to rotate through the O-Bar and it was always a fun place to meet friends and see hard working people having a good time.
If you were "regular" enough, you might have the honor of being allowed to sit at "The Rail". This was considered the "royalty" of the bar. New customers were frowned upon if they lacked the appropriate respect for the rail. I always thought it was a good spot, especially if there was a fire since it was near the door!

Close up of "The Rail"
Contains "etchings" of primitive or drunken man. They used to sand it down and refinish it but eventually just gave up.

I will continue to saga in my next post but will leave you with the three tests that identify an "O-Bar Newbie".
One - You trip on the small step on entering the bar because you didn't see the BIG yellow stripe on the step.
Two - You pulled on the wrong door to try to enter the establishment. There were two and the right one was always locked.
Three - Sit in "Old Brownie". Old Brownie was an old grey vinyl bar chair. The legs were uneven so it slanted slightly forward. People would try to sit in the chair but would slowly start to slide out. VERY funny!

Next post will cover some of the interesting "characteristics" of the bar as well as some of the regular groups and individuals that made the O-Bar infamous. Just remember the first rule: Buy a few beers for your new friends and if you're "dumb" enough to bring your woman with you.....handcuff her to you or she might disappear!

Part 2 coming soon!!

"It's in the Bag" or "Beware of the Blob"

2011-06-22T09:02:00.077-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

Not unlike the area under my table!

Picture this. You're planning a nice little vacation. You go to your closet and get your suitcase or favorite overnight bag out to pack for the trip. You carefully choose your toiletries, favorite shirts, jeans, shorts, beachwear and shoes. After packing your things you find your wife and say, "Honey, you can put your things in the suitcase now!" She then tells you she's already pack for herself and our daughter. You realize you never saw her get a suitcase out for herself and assumed she would share yours since there is ample room for the entire family. You then look at the floor and see a pile of white plastic bags full of all types of things from food to clothing. The "Bag Lady" has struck again!

There are some things that take some reasoning to understand. Being Chinese, my wife Qin is more conditioned to recycle. Many people in China make a living by recycling. Qin has separate waste bins for garbage and for recyclables. I have no problem with that. There is something strange. She never seems to recycle or throw away plastic bags. They begin as a single bag that slowly gets filled with other bags and once it's filled, it multiplies to many OTHER bags. Do you remember the old Science Fiction movie "The Blob"? The premise was an alien organism from space landing on earth. The organism basically looked like a mass of "Jello" (Actually, I think it WAS Jello.). The alien slowly absorbed more hapless victims that couldn't run very fast or just HAD to see what that noise was. As the alien "ate" more and more it begin to grow, until it was a huge "pulsating" mass. There, now you know what lives underneath my dining room table!

If you've been following my marital adventures on my blog you would know that I perform the majority of the domestic functions around the home. On occasion, when the condition of our kitchen floor becomes unbearable, I remove all of the objects on the floor and sweep and mop the floor. During this process I am required to move out the two containers containing the trash and the recyclables. It's during this process I am confronted by the "Blob"! I think the theme song goes something like this:

"It creeps and crawls across the floor, it slips and slides under your door....beware of the Blob!" ("The Blob", Paramount Pictures, 1958)

This not unlike the surprise you get when you pull out the containers and "Ahhhhhhh!" A giant mass of compressed plastic bags jumps out at you!

Now she says she has some justification. First, she does use them. As a matter of fact, she uses them for EVERYTHING. Storage, freezing food, travel bag, trash liners, etc. Now I might could dismiss the sanitation factors involved but there are several considerations.
One: Durability. They are fragile and they tear very easily. Nothing worse than carrying something and it falling out of a torn bag.
Two: Visibility. Most of the bags are colored. Yellow, white or blue. You can't tell what's in the bag! Look in the freezer. I think it's meat....but it's a big lump of frozen "red stuff". The same for the refrigerator. Most items are still wrapped in a plastic bag and you don't know WHAT is in there!
Three: Recycle. Alright, I'm all for being "planet friendly" but if you're going to keep something to recycle it, then RECYCLE IT! They never seem to go away. The "Blob" just keeps growing.
Four: Pride. I don't suffer from low self esteem, but it would look a little better if you traveled using a legitimate travel bag of some type. Having a few things in a bag for convenience is one thing. But using ten thin plastic bags as your "luggage" is another. Do you realize how hard it is to keep up with ten separate plastic bags on vacation?

Well, I've said my piece and I'm a better man for it. Of course out of spite, Qin will probably hoard even more plastic bags. Oh well, maybe well get a spot on the television series "Hoarders". It never hurts to keep positive. But please, learn from our situation, USE CLOTH SHOPPING BAGS! For the planet and to show me there's still hope for humanity.....

"A Good Dad Deserves More Than the Big Piece of Chicken"

2011-06-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

My Dad doing what he liked to do best, go on vacation!

Another holiday? Yes, but unlike many that I feel are created more for the benefit of businesses, Father's Day and Mother's Day is legitimate. I think that once we are able to dress, feed ourselves and reach objects once to high for us we forget the hard work our parents put forth to help us reach that point. My title comes from a performance by comedian Chris Rock. It was his comedy special "Bigger and Blacker". He made the comment that most credit for families is given to Mom and all Dad gets is the "big piece of chicken". A major point of his performance was a wake up call for Dads to stand up to their responsibilities. It made an impression on me.

They say it is easy to be a dad and have children but difficult to be a father to those children. That is true. You see it all around you. In the Mid-West we are fortunate. We still have a strong semblance of family. Divorce is common here like many other areas, but most combined families do well. I personally am a member of this group. Any child living under your roof is your responsibility. You might not be a biological father but you are still a "Dad". Some children are not that fortunate. Some children never know their father and in some cases may be better off. It's important to show respect to the men that take that responsibility seriously. It sickens me to see children seen as, or by being adopted, become a source of income from government subsidies rather than a gift and legacy that needs to be nurtured. This will be addressed in my post "Teach Your Children Well".

I have been given a second chance to be a dad. Being older and looking back at my past mistakes I know how important the job it is. I agree with Chris that responsible dad's are not given enough credit. Some dads may not interact enough or be able to understand the difficulties the youth of today face. Still, they do try to provide and participate as best they can. Being responsible by having a steady income and making a comfortable home for the family is very important. I may have wanted more things as a youth but I never NEEDED anything. I was luckier than most. Keeping a car, a home, having insurance, utilities, entertainment all are part of parenting too. Some are joint contributions between Mom and Dad, but the Dad still is the manager in most cases. It's complicated and not getting any easier. Like Chris Rock mentioned in his show, "No one says, "Thanks Dad for knocking out that light bill so I can study my homework!"".

In my family, we lived in a very long house and only came together for meals. Still, we all loved to travel and did it often. We tried to look out for each other. If ever I had a need my Dad was there to do whatever he could. Even if I got into trouble he was there in the background trying to catch me if I were to fall. We were from old Pioneer stock, proud and very independent, but we were still a family (Albeit a unique one!) and I wouldn't change a thing. My Dad had great difficulty expressing love, but he showed it all of the time. Those were the times we lived in.

So today, I say honor those good fathers whether they are living or have passed on. The demographics of our country are changing fast and being a good example as a father are more important than ever!

"Men Are Pigs!"

2011-06-14T14:45:00.001-05:00

An autographed Ed O'Neil "Al Bundy" picture. This is like the "Holy Grail of all "Pigs" in the 1980's!

"Pig!" It's a familiar word around my house. As far as men are concerned there are certain givens. We are by nature crude, flatulent, sex crazed, loud and obnoxious. I'm afraid a few million years of evolution has only masked these traits. We dress in nice clothes, chew our food with our mouth closed and learn to put the toilet seat down. A number of factors effect our behavior. These factors are the subject of my post.

Upbringing: Being raised on a farm, my home was far from being a sterile environment. With "chores" to do, animals running in and out of the house, Mom trying to get you to come inside and clean up for supper. It was a dynamic and ever changing environment. You didn't have to wash regularly, could "release gas" any time you wanted. Why not, the dogs did! You did get whacked at the dinner table if you were gross. For example, my brother had a voracious appetite and often just tilted his plate at the dinner table and "shoveled" the food into his mouth. Bad idea! Mom sat next to him so he received a swift slap often. I sat farther down the table by my Dad. He blocked her somewhat but she had a tendency to throw what she had available at the end of the table. This could be detrimental to your health considering how much junk was lying around on that table. It was a large wooden banquet table that she prepared crafts, served meals and anything else that needed a large space. Now we did travel with friends and I was forced to attend church every time the door was opened. As a result. I DID learn some manners. I learned to chew with my mouth closed and to say please and thank you. I didn't learn the toilet seat rule until later. We two guys shared a bathroom. I also learned to run when I saw that "look" in my Mom's eye and not to let "Sammy" my pet "Hog-Nosed" snake loose in the house when the "Church Ladies" were visiting.
Mom tried to teach us manners, but if you would have met my grandfather, Monque McKaskle, you would realize why she was so tolerant of her two boys. He could be a bit.....crude. (Which is why I will never eat "Vienna Sausages" again!

Friends: Now we all have friends who are good influences or bad influences. Unfortunately, I have both. With the bad influences you see who can tell the dirtiest joke, make the coolest animal noises or drink the most beer. The good influences, by example, influence the way you dress, manner of speech and make you sit up straight in your chair. Now, there are absolutes. Both types of friends will always look at a pretty girl or in most cases talk about sports or fast cars. Of course this might depend on their sexual orientation.

Military Service: This is my excuse. I worked in the service industry as a waiter through college and I easily adapted to dealing with customers of all types. I was always courteous and polite no matter how RUDE some customers would be. After college I went into the Army. That was that for about six years. I don't think you were accepted "unless" you could be as gross and crude as the next guy. Vulgarity, profanity, crudeness were second nature in the service. Boredom was the primary cause. During those long periods you were forced to spend in close quarters, most of your entertainment involved "grossing" out your fellow soldiers! (Just ask mine.) It took years to "tone down" my rhetoric. I remember not even realizing when I was using profanity in a conversation. When I lost the "F" word, I lost about 80% of my vocabulary.

Relationships/Marriage: I put these two together when they probably should be separated. When you are dating, you are careful to show your best behavior. This may change a little with age because at middle age, you KNOW the truth will come out eventually. In a new relationship you are trying to impress. In marriage you may not even care. As time progress the real you will emerge and the "man" begins to show. But the same can be said for some women. You have to WANT to suppress your need to be a "Pig". Some women inspire you, some make you want to run for the hills! It depends on your choices when choosing your mate. It is difficult when we are drawn together by nature and then possess traits that drive each other crazy. So unfair.

Reality: You make a choice. Every man has a "Pig" in him. It is no different that the battle of good against evil. It is the environment that shapes you. Good friends, bad friends, nurturing wife, nagging, berating wife. One things for sure, you need an outlet for your emotions or you WILL go crazy. Just like your pet. You have to let the "Pig" go outside and play with their friends sometime. As I get comfortable or ambivalent around my home and participate in some "crude" behavior I ask myself, why should I not be a "Pig" at home on occasion. After all, my wife is the one that washes her "panties" in the bathroom sink and let's them dry on a hanger in the dining room! How would you react to that?

Yup, my choice too!

"Baaaaaad Monkey!"

2011-06-10T11:48:00.004-05:00

At least a monkey is EXPECTED to be bad. What it "throws" is no worse than what our politicans are slinging!

Since the dawn of mankind, men have tried to leave some evidence of their life and experiences. As they formed rudimentary groups, they would eventually seek out a media that they could record some of their existence and way of life. We see these today under outcrops and inside deep caves. Here they carved or painted images that represented aspects of the world in which they lived. As a historian, I know some things never change. In modern times we STILL try to leave some legacy behind for future generations. Too bad that seems to now be a digital representation of our CROTCH, obscene text or bare all picture of ourselves!!!!!

At least the Romans kept most of their indecent behavior on a secluded island or in the confines of the Imperial Palace surrounded by Praetorian Guard. We seem to feel it's okay to take a racy picture with our cell phone or send a "sexy" text to either amuse or horrify. Now I don't mind a little bit of excitement in life, but as a person that makes a living with technology I cannot understand what makes these men use their "small brain" so recklessly. A piece of paper or a photograph can deteriorate or be destroyed. A digital record can last forever in cyberspace. No one has ANY idea how many times a digital object is forwarded, copied or saved in some obscure folder just waiting to strike. Honestly, if you were dating or married to someone WHY would you want to make a "sex tape"? You were THERE! In my mind it's only purpose would be for potential blackmail. Seriously, if you end a relationship, watching a "home" movie's just going to depress you! There's a separate economy now for celebrities having to pay someone off not to release it to the media.

Now, for the reason I'm addressing this. POLITICIANS! I've never held politicians in lower regard than this period in our history. These are our leaders that purport to be righteous, moral, and above reproach. They possess prestige, power and influence and hold our lives in their hands. What do they do with this power? Send women a picture of themselves NAKED below the waist! How about having a child with the "hired help" while working for taxpayers and telling them what THEY need to be doing. Of course you could use your political influence to "score" in an airport bathroom stall! The worst is their use of technology to carry out their secret "hobbies". Anything that travels across the Internet or a computer network can be traced. Your phone, computer, iPad everything! You'd think someone as smart (Well, maybe not THAT smart.) as Tiger Woods would think to buy a "Trac-Phone" he could dispose of for his extracurricular activities.
H-E-L-L-O!!!! It just confounds me people in this position could be so STUPID! They embarrass themselves, ruin their careers, marriages and make a mockery of their professions. You would think that a person with enough intelligence to reach the status they have they would be smarter.

The "sexting" phenomenon is another thing that confuses me. A little "innuendo" is fine, but just flat asking for a "hook up" or sending an obscene picture is beyond me. The first thing a person does with a picture on their phone is to show it to someone else. Texts, they never really go away, even after deletion. And don't get me started on Facebook! People forget that the Internet is NOT simply two way communication. It's GLOBAL communication. Never consider anything on the Internet as private. Whether it is a computer hacker or a disgruntled friend or co-worker always assume someone can track what you are doing. Remember, your Internet Provider is not your friend. They get a little visit from the police and they drop you like a hot potato!

Personally, I think you should just be yourself. People will like you or they won't. No surprises. I would rather someone ask to see my private parts in PRIVATE and have no desire to take the risk sending something to someone they are not prepared for. People are people. Never trust someone that brags on how moral, religious or benevolent they are . You should expect those people of deviance first! They show themselves by their actions and how they keep their word.

So, if you want to leave an imprint or legacy that will stand the test of time you now have two choices.
One, send a sexy email, text or picture into the digital world and be embarrassed or blackmailed for life. Two, paint another Mona Lisa or chisel a nice pair of deer on a big rock and sign it.
I think the second might leave a better taste in humanity's mouth.

"It Takes an Armadillo Dad to Cope with a Texas Tiger Mom"

2011-06-06T10:58:00.003-05:00

In case you don't know what an Armadillo is...I'm taller.

What is an "Armadillo Dad" you ask? It is a hybrid, not always in a good sense, but as unique as it's namesake. Like the Armadillo, I was born and raised in Texas, keep my nose to the ground for opportunities and have a hard shell to repel all of the trials and tribulations that come my way.
"Texas Tiger Moms" are predominantly transplanted Texans, or as a popular car bumper sticker in Texas says "I wasn't born in Texas but I got here as soon as I could!". My Texas Tiger Mom is definitely hard on the outside, but like most women there must be a soft center, but I've yet to find it!

Now some background. I already have two grown daughters from my first wife. And fortunately for me they have turned into fantastic young women. One works at a local law enforcement office, has earned her Real Estate License, is married and pregnant with my first grandchild ( I STILL can't believe it!). The youngest has just graduated from Texas Tech University with honors with a degree in Social Work. During my first marriage, we spent much of the marriage in the Army. I say that because trust me, BOTH of you are in the military if one spouse serves. We had the good fortune to travel and eventually our two "snow bunnies" (daughters) were born in Anchorage, Alaska. Erin, my oldest, is two years older than her sister Renee. Since my wife worked, we agreed to split duties. Being in a Reconnaissance Unit in the Army, I was often away from home. As a result, I had extended days off during the first week we returned from the field. During these periods I kept my daughter rather than send her to daycare. I experienced all of the joys of fatherhood (oatmeal, baths, smelly diapers). I especially learned not to leave the diaper off too long! I would have as many as four days off and I took Erin everywhere all wrapped up in a big furry "bunny suit". I learned the importance of establishing that parental bond with your children when they are very young. There is absolutely no substitute for this in a family. It was extremely difficult for us financially to have my wife stay home and rear our children. But despite all of our hardships, the results were worth it. My parents made the same sacrifice for my brother and I. Of course the times were different then. While attending college, I recall my best friend making the comment, "I could live with a "woman of color" (modified for PC) and sell drugs just as long as I made my grades." Of course he was referring to the child rearing standards of the day when the primary concern of the parent was to see they stayed out of trouble or "off the radar" of law enforcement and made their grades in college. Many things went unsaid between parents and their children. I think most parents didn't WANT to know what their kids were up to. Kind of a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Having two daughters, I was concerned about other matters. Being on the cutting edge of the social scene, I knew the challenges they would eventually face.

The timing of the arrival of my first two daughters was appropriate. It was much better to start a family after military service if possible. I was also very lucky to have a wife from a large family that was very focused on the children. Our early years of parenting were much like other families. I remember looking for the missing nuts and bolts to the new swing set we bought for the girls in the grass while trying to assemble it late at night so they would be surprised. Eventually, a variety of factors began to put a strain on our marriage which resulted in our eventual divorce. Luckily, my first wife and I parted amicably and tried to keep our focus on the welfare of our girls. I cannot stress the importance of how much easier it was on the children not fighting with each other. Of course it was much easier when I gave the house and all of its' contents to my ex-wife. But then again, she was housing our children so I always considered it a worthwhile investment. Divorce is unfortunately a common outcome to marriage and the single mother is often the hardest hit.

The years of my divorce were the hardest as far as parenting. Every divorced couple experiences the anxieties of change. First they feel liberated, then they feel freedom has not lived up to their expectations. Every divorce has a different outcome. During those years I never turned my back on my children but I was definitely not a "Poster Dad" for good parenting. There were many things I regretted. There were several factors that saved my ex-wife and I. First, our families. My parents and my ex's parents cherished their granddaughters ( My mom would have tracked me down!). They saw them constantly, took them to social events and traveled with them extensively. We all got together on all of the holidays, birthdays and special events. (Strangely, we STILL do!)
I made many mistakes during that period except one, be available for your children. My daughters were always encouraged to participate in any school activity or organization they wanted. If they were in school events, I always tried to be there. Secondly, don't ignore them. I always answered the phone when they called. There were times when they were dealing with problems or had a simple request. I always answered the phone. It sounds like a small thing, but you can't imagine the damage neglect inflicts on a young child. I made many mistakes during my single years as my daughters grew up but I tried my best not to neglect them. It was very interesting to see how differently my parents behaved with grandchildren than with my brother and I. We were left very much to our own devices as children Self reliance was lesson number one in our part of the country. As grandparents you have more time to focus on the well being of your legacy and family, and in my case this paid off immensely.

Now we approach my current approach to my parenting situation.

I am of the opinion that children deserve the utmost tolerance when coming from a single parent family. They did not ask for their situation. Many of the children of single mothers I've dated in the past were said to have emotional problems. I often found that they really just wanted to have someone pay attention to them. My father had little interaction with me as a child other than family activities like meals, movies and travel. He never taught me how to play baseball or ride a bike (Wait, he did teach me to shuffle cards!). On the plus side I did have both parents present. I had a comfortable childhood with everything I needed. My father was very studious and read often. You always knew you could find him in his office if you wanted to talk. Since Mom was the disciplinarian Dad was the equalizer. If you were bad and yes, I was often in trouble, you could try to break the "blockade" through to my Dad's office. If you were lucky you might get a reprieve. Of course that didn't mean that Mom wouldn't launch a "counter-strike" once you left Dad's sanctuary (Yes, she held a grudge!). The last thing I learned was affection. My Mom was loving when we were children but that stopped at school age. Dad was very uncomfortable with affection. In those days parents were not given to open displays of affection in front of children. Personally, I became the opposite. I learned affection by having a variety of pets around the farm. My parents always had their favorite dog/cat and then we had other assorted "refugees" living on the grounds. I think children learn an invaluable lesson having pets in the house. There was always something wanting in or out of the house, wanting to be fed or petted or sitting between my brother and I "slobbering" on the back seat as we traveled. You learned responsibility, tolerance and how to receive and display affection. Something my new daughter Jin has learned. As for my grown daughters, I always gave them hugs, kisses and told them I loved them often. Children desperately need that in my opinion.

My current situation: First would be noise. Living with a Texas Tiger Mom means enduring endless dialogue from mother to daughter. If they are awake and together she is talking. Oh..did I mention they are speaking Chinese? During these periods I am asked many questions about vocabulary, pronunciation and unfortunately math (Jin is already far ahead of my math capabilities.). I hear her say "No, I don't want to!" many times. But Qin persists, then they carry on with the studies. If I hear Jin start to tire and complain, then I will make an attempt to intervene. If nothing else, distract Qin long enough for her to make a break for it to my Mom's house. Keep in mind my Mom's house (which is nearby) is Jin's sanctuary. Mom gives her the food Qin will not buy and provides her with a variety of activities ranging from art, working with her extensive doll collection or working outside in the gardens (even though Jin doesn't like dirt or sweat!). Be aware that my wife's focus is on Jin so most of the domestic duties fall to me. But as the Texas Tiger Mom says, I'd be doing the "chores" even if they weren't in the household. I don't know if I completely agree with that reasoning but sometimes you just "go with the flow". There has to be a balance to counteract a strict parent. I do not always agree to my wife's methods, but I can see the results. She is involved and tracks her progress at home and at school carefully (You should see the school principal run from the Texas Tiger Mom!). Now, Jin automatically goes to her homework knowing Mom will want to check her after work. My participation consists of recognition of her accomplishments, encouragement and to provide some entertainment (Or distraction if she needs a break). Jin is like any other child, she needs a man around. She is very close to her Grandfather and rightly so since he treats her like a Princess! I can tell she misses him greatly and misses the attention of a male authority figure. Jin also has a dry erase board on the refrigerator displaying her current views or frame of mind. Currently it reads, "Bored, bored, boring....
In reality, she has "the world by the tail". Her extended family is large. My daughters regularly attend activities with us and it seems every month we are going to some family outing or event. These events even include my ex-wife and her family in some cases. It seems we just can't get rid of people. I'm embarrassed to admit I even had an ex-girlfriend and her boys as part of my oldest daughter Erin's wedding ceremony!
The more the merrier I guess! Yes, an Armadillo Dad needs a hard shell but most importantly needs to be there for his children. Parenting has been a learning process especially when I have some "growing up" to do myself! I just try to adapt and struggle to deal with my faults while trying to do my part in creating a productive child.
Just keep this in mind. These kids will be running the show one day. They need the emotional and educational preparation to face the huge challenges before them. Give them your attention and your love. You created them and it is your responsibility and yours alone. Show affection every chance you get. You should hold them and tell them you love them the day they are born and with the last breath you take on this earth if possible. Their success creates a legacy for you both. And as we say in Texas, "I ain't a lyin'"

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"Armadillo Dad and Texas Tiger Mom Go to Galveston, Texas Two Years After Hurricane Ike"

2011-05-29T12:55:00.019-05:00

There goes the neighborhood! Count your blessings!

Well it's time to take my daughter and the Texas Tiger Mom on a short vacation. I have the good fortune to have some old friends with homes in Galveston Texas. In case you weren't aware, Galveston was devastated by Hurricane Ike in September of 2008. The winds were in excess of 145 miles per hour. My friends live in Clear Lake Shore in Galveston. One of them lost two homes during the hurricane. I had the pleasure to see his newly constructed home and the reconstruction of the area.

After seeing pictures of the devastation, I cannot begin to tell you how impressed I was with the speed and efficiency of the rebuilding of Galveston. In my friend Robert's neighborhood, everyone knows each other. Robert loaded me into a golf cart and took me on a tour of the entire area. It was a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Texas people to see how they pulled together to restore this area. In case you are not familiar with this area, they are no stranger to severe weather. Galveston is also referred to as the "Hurricane City".

Brief History of "Hurricane City":
At the turn of the century, (1900) a hurricane practically wiped out Galveston. Over 8000 people lost their lives. There were graphic photos of 93 members of an orphanage found drowned but still lashed to beams inside the building. The water completely covered the island and by all accounts the city of Galveston was totally destroyed. Still, the people rebuilt. They went so far as to actually raise the land mass of the island by 15 feet. The new Galveston became more of a resort community after the hurricane of 1900.

Over the years, the city has designed safeguards like the Sea Wall and strict building codes that required home builders to incorporate safeguards into the construction of their homes to resist severe weather. Unfortunately, many homes that were built before these regulations were established were still were at risk. Once again, the island community was "hammered" by an irresistible force. Boats were stacked like toys and I was shown where a giant yacht had settled next to a home actually leaning into the house. Entire neighborhoods were destroyed. My friend's neighborhood was severely damaged and many of the older structures were destroyed. Fate has a strange hand in how it selects it's victims during these storms. Newer homes that were re-enforced to endure these storms sometimes protected older homes that were not. Many parts of the world are experiencing natural disasters but you have no real grasp of how fortunate you are until you talk to people about their loss of everything they held dear. I am including some pictures of the devastation.

One reason I wanted to write about this visit is to relate the differences in how people deal with adversity. In Galveston, the people banded together as a community and rebuilt. Keep in mind the media coverage of Hurricane Katrina. It seem to last forever. The government failed to do this, the city should have done that. Where's my handout. I live near Lubbock, Texas and some residents of New Orleans were located there. Many states hosted victums. The government supplied housing and support for years. Victums took advantage of any charity they could find. After three years, Galveston is almost totally restored. My friend was insured and although he lost his home the only assistance he received from the government was a FEMA endorsed home loan with a good interest rate. His insurance paid him for his home and now he has a beautiful new home that is built to last until Judgement Day! The debate continued for years after Katrina because everyone thought someone owed them something. The Texans at Galveston just cleaned up the mess, rebuilt and got back to business as usual. I remember hearing about the initial devastation of Galveston but afterwards the media was silent. We don't hear about the stories of perseverance and courage as much as the negative aspects of natural disasters. They either bring out the best or the worst in people. Here in Galveston, it's a success story. If you quit complaining and help yourself, you might find you can move "mountains". These are the traits we should teach our youth.

So Texas Tiger Mom, Jin and I are going to enjoy the remainder of this Memorial Day Weekend. More friends are going to join us (We're all veterans and curiously all served in Alaska!) and we will be soaking up the sun and the beauty of Galveston and cherishing the friendships we've maintained through the years. Happy Memorial Day.....hug a vet, or at least invite one to your barbecue this weekend!