Back To Reality

IT ENDS TONIGHT>>>>>>>

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:48:00 +0000

It started as a social experiment – real people, living real lives with real cameras following their every move.

But the ‘experiment’ taught us little that we didn’t already know...

That people will do pretty much anything to have masses of other people know their name - that people would go to ever more humiliating and amoral lengths to win their fifteen minutes - and that ‘reality’ on television bears little reflection to the reality of our daily lives.

And out of this other reality came a whole new industry.

One that churned out ‘celebrities’ by the dozen, shifted magazines and launched a thousand lurid headlines. One that encouraged us to scrutinize, criticize and chastise strangers in the spotlight.

2000 years ago they put preening warriors in arenas with Lions and whooped and hollered as they were torn apart.

These days we put preening prima-donnas onto television screens and whoop and holler as they are torn apart.

But this industry is a hungry beast. And we are an insatiable audience.

Soon an argument wasn’t enough. Soon sex and sham relationships were not enough. Not even the mentally ill were spared the glare of the media circus.

The crowds kept braying… the channels kept chasing the ratings... the producers kept amping the drama - a sick puppy chasing it's tail, spinning ever faster, out of control, desperate for the next quick reality fix.

Countless ‘creatives’ are paid to scheme up ever more shocking scenarios and countless nobodies are queuing up to endure them, sold the lie that fame or even infamy can change your life.

------------

So where will it end?

Come on! It ends with blood. It ends with sacrifice. It ends tonight.
Tonight Kian Oduya died – but not before lifting the curtain on the puppetry that pushed it all to this point.

Five were cracked…only one was killed …the first, and I hope, last to die before your eyes.

The ultimate sacrifice to drag this horrible entertainment to it’s inevitable finale…

Tonight Kian Oduya died for all of your sins – the great martyr of Reality TV.

The one who surrendered himself to liberate you – Yes indeed, it ends tonight.

You’ve finally seen it – you’ve got what you’ve been waiting all this time for.

Summer’s dead.

Now Get Back To Reality.

WARNING: Reality TV Is Seriously Bad For Your Health

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:55:00 +0000

I like to think of what I am doing here as a kind of public service. A kind of cautionary tale for all you would-be reality show contestants. Don't do it kids...it seriously screws you up.

But, like lambs to the slaughter, they never learn. Let's look at the genre's most recent offering, Who Killed Summer...

They say: "I'm strong. What you see is what you get with me. I have nothing to hide"

I say: "Crap!"

Jude - Stomped around blowing a permanent wolf-whistle to anything in a skirt. Bored everyone to tears with tales of his sexual prowess with the ladies. Ranted endlessly about his unique sexual charisma that, apparently, the girls could no more resist than Pete Doherty can the crack pipe....

But, you have been hiding something, haven't you Jude? Seems the ladies don't stand a chance...

Emma - I'm strong, I don't care what people think of me, I can take whatever the press will throw at me when I'm more famous than God, for being famous.

But, that's not true is it Emma? You do have something to hide. You are terrified if the truth about your past comes out that it'll shatter any image you have spent so long carefully building

Kian - I'm a good person. I'm bright and honest and true. I am not easily led and I have nothing to hide. I will show them all that the spotlight of reality TV doesn't always expose dirt and shame. What have I got to be ashamed of??? Wrong!

And then they say: "I'm strong. I play it as I want to. I can't be played with and manipulated by some dumb show - I'm made of stronger stuff...I have standards, morals, I wouldn't do something I didn't really want to because of being on the show"

I say: "Crap!"

Tete - So clean and sober, so proud. So strong in your new skin. You simply took part in this to show both yourself and the world that you were no longer the hopeless junky rock-star kid cliche, didn't you? You didn't need drugs in your life? And nothing or no one would change that, would it?Wrong!

Claire - So chaste. So pure. Such a fine moral compass. I'm a virgin and proud of it. Sex is about love and commitment in the eyes of God, isn't it? I wear my 'promise ring' to show the world that I am proud of these values.

And no dumb reality show would possible manipulate me into changing this. No 'silly little blog', no harshly worded critique from a stranger could possibly embarrass me to go against all that I hold dear and stand for, could it? Hmm.

And then there's Dieter... a hero to all. A true hero, right? RIGHT? Well, we'll see about that - watch this space...

Puppets - the lot of them. As they all are. As anyone stupid enough to want to expose themselves day and night to complete strangers is. And they all deserve exactly what they get.

I Need A Hero!

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:38:00 +0000

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!

He’s gotta be strong!

And he’s gotta be fast!

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!

I need a hero!

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light!

He’s gotta be sure!

And it’s gotta be soon!

And he’s gotta be larger than life!

Love that song...

So Dieter, will you be my hero?

The man really is incredible.

He's aced practically every task thrown at him on WKS.

He's totally bagged 'the girl', sweeping hot-tot Emma off her feet and into his bed. And, like the Oracle, he dispenses sage advice to his fellow contestants, all of which look to him like the wise Gladiator he is.

I've got to hand it to him. As reality plebs go, Dieter breaks the mold.

He's not in this for 'the fame'; he's not hiding a closet-full of secrets that he, stupidly, thinks won't be outed...paraded in front of gossip hungry audiences; and he's certainly not like his fellow puppets, sorry contestants, that are as easy to manipulate as silly putty.

Nope, he's the real deal - a true 'what you see is what you get', 100% prime-beef, all man...HERO

...Isn't he????

Ladies man or little lady???

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 18:31:00 +0000

Who would have thought that self-styled 'clunge-magnet', Jude Jasper, was actually more 'Judy Garland' than 'Hey Jude'???

Well, they say that those that protest too much have the most to hide, don't they? And throughout this series Jude has protested quite a bit...

So ladies, sorry to shatter your fantasies of a night spent rolling around on expensive hotel sheets with this pocket-sized pop prince, but the truth is out - Jude is Gay. He prefers the scent of a man. He likes to keep with his own...as these pictures irrefutably show:

Suddenly it all makes sense: his near melt-down at 'touching' Liam Gallagher; his heart-felt odes to the 'genius' of Kele Okereke of Bloc Party; his pedantic obsession with his clothes; and the sure giveaway - the constant 'chase me, chase me' mincing around fellow WKS contestant Dieter 'the body' Dahl (the love that dare not breathe it's name????)

But Jude - c'mon, this is 2009. You want to be in the entertainment business. Who gives a shit? No one, little man, but you. After all, it hasn't done Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Michael Stipe, Elton John, Lou Reed, Morrissey, to name but a few, any harm harm...

You'll see in time. David Hampton is just looking out for you. You'll thank me in the long run...

As always, glad to be of help. x

Looks like someone didn't just kill summer...

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Kian Oduya should be in prison. Back To Reality has come into exclusive possession of some disturbingly incriminating evidence that shows what appears to be a straight-up confession by Kian over a hit and run incident two years ago.

According to Kian, he was driving back from a party in the early hours of the morning, hit a pedestrian and...drove off.

"I've lived with this for the last two years", moans killer-Kian, without a trace of regret.

This 'confession' happened a few weeks back on the WKS bus and was, unknown to Kian, caught by the bus cameras (hello you fool - this is a reality show...the cameras are rolling!) It was never broadcast and the producers believed the tape has been erased. But, dear readers, as you will have gathered by now, David Hampton is better than any hack when it comes to digging out the truth.

When Dieter, understandably, urged cold-blooded Kian to go to the police, the coward replied:
"Hit and run? they'll lock me away - five years minimum..."

Well sir, you better get used to it - BTR takes a pretty dim view of this sort of thing.

Though i'm sure now I've done the right thing the relevant authorities will be in touch...

Only happy to help.

It's nice to be nice you know - your caring friend David.

Ha. Nice idea... poor execution.

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:10:00 +0000

"Nine young women have been duped into appearing in internet pornography after starring in a fake Big Brother-style show."
SKY NEWS REPORT HERE>>>>>>

What a great story - so topical, so prescient, so timely... incredibly it makes Who Killed Summers? band of fame seeking cretins look intelligent.

It seems I'm not the only one keen to push the Reality show genre forward - pity I'm the only one with real intelligence pulling the strings. This bunch of Turkish scamsters don't have a clue.

No tasks, No evictions... no well nothing. Of course they got suspicious.

You're not dealing with Steven f***ing Hawking here - 9 bimbos desperate for 15 mins of fame - surely you could keep those peep cams running for a little longer, stretch it out a little, get some really juicy footage. Just give em some costumes - make them eat a few creepy crawlies... hell turn the hot water off.

The only thing these people understand is the carrot and the stick - actually no it's the stick.

That's right - they don't want to lounge around a pool all day chatting about Posh and Becks. No they want to be reality show contestants... they want to be mistreated - they EXPECT it. That's what they want.

Force feed them live bugs, lock them up, humilate them, force them to list each others faults, introduce ex-boyfriends, enemies. Suddenly they feel like real stars.

Oh the irony.

So nice idea guys, but leave it to the professionals...

and leave it to the stick.

Just say no kids

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:35:00 +0000

Oh dear...what a mess.

There I was just minding my own business, just tuning into the latest episode of WKS and whoah what do I see. Tete, Tete, Tete - what's happened?

Had been 100% drug-free for 3 whole years. Left all that crap behind. Ready for a new start... oops. Seems someone can't quite break the habit.

I thought it was shot beautifully - covered in full technicolour by the sympathetic producers of Who Killed Summer? They must feel like all their christmases have come at once - reality gold. Amp up the ratings, let's see a little drama. Thankyou once again DH you've saved our mess of a show.

Apparently, the word on the WKS street is that yours truly actually paid that naughty scallywag Billy to hone in on Tete, seduce her and then get her firmly back on the drugs.

What a slanderous accusation Tete.

You should be thankful that I haven't phoned my lawyer immediately to sue you for libel.

Who'd have thought interactive dramas could be so rewarding:)

DH x

Isn't it nice meeting old friends...

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:19:00 +0000

You've got to love Facebook eh Emma?

Without it you'd probably lose touch with all your old friends from back in the day.

Dear old chums like Lauren here might never have been able to track you down and pay you a surprise visit would they?

And I'm sure you would have been gutted to have missed such a happy reunion like this one.

Of course, not everyone likes to hold onto their past.

Some people actually have pasts that they would choose to forget.

Some people have buried their pasts and reinvented themselves, and actually the very last thing they want is for skeletons to come out of that closet.

Painful memories...events that, in their mind,might really screw things up for them if they got out.

But, that's not you is it Emma. I'm sure you'd like to pat the person on the back that so diligently tracked down your old pal Lauren and told her where you were and what you were doing nowadays.

Think nothing of it. Happy to help x

Let me spell this out...

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 12:40:00 +0000

Because maybe, just maybe things aren't clear enough.

Hi I'm Claire. I'm a virgin. I'm going to ram this fact down your throats for eight weeks. But i'm weak. I'm desperate. And I'm only wearing this ring because without it I am nothing... charmless, bland, boring. No one.

What Promise Ring?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:15:00 +0000

Tut, tut, tut...

It looks like Who Killed Summer's resident bible-bashing virgin, Claire, isn't quite the undriven snow scape she has gone to such lengths throughout this series to convince us she is. In fact, as the evidence here clearly shows us, she is more voracious nymph than virgin bride...

So who's your new friend Claire? Because it certainly doesn't look like the boyfriend you've been boring everyone to near suicide with, by endlessly droning on about these last weeks.

That's right folks, even those amongst us brandishing 'promise rings' - today's equivalent of the chastity belt - aren't quite the 'never been kissed brides' they assure their other halves (that's you Jonathan) they are.

No siree - and all it took was a naff make-over from her fellow contestants; the loan of a slapper's dress courtesy of Emma and a skin full of alcopops at a nearby nightclub and she was practically dragging this poor lump back to her hotel room for..?

Well, let's just say that the room echoed to the sound of ecstatic, orgasmic groans for a good couple of hours before the exhausted stud made good his exit...

Oh, and Claire - there one thing that God loathes even more than a harlot and that's a hypocrite.

Who Killed the vibe?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:41:00 +0000

Get me off this bus and away from these idiots!

This lot really don't like each other. I'm loving it. They obviously signed up for what they thought would be one endless VIP party, and found themselves lumped together in close confinement with a bunch of their worst nightmares. And now they have to endure it for nearly 2 solid months!! It's like a bizarre version of 'Survivor'.

Oh yes, things are really hotting up between the busmates:

Emma hates Claire's goody two-shoes behaviour.

Dieter's hippy-dippy lifestyle is annoying everyone.

Tete's mysteriouly spending a lot of time in 'the toilets' these days.

And Kian and Jude are fighting over leadership.

I predict we are inches away from a proper ruck!

Finally, now the entertainment starts!

The WKS paranoia grows

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:53:00 +0000

Who is it bus-mates? Who's watching you....

I can see you Claire.

I'm watching you Tete...

Kian, don't think you aren't being overseen

Dieter, that's revolting

I saw that Jude

Emma, the walls have eyes.

11 down...

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:48:00 +0000

Fascinating article on thewrap.com. Some boffin has done the research and concluded that since reality TV began all those years ago (roughly agreeded to be when BB started) that no less than 11 fragile contestants have tried to top themselves once the music stops.

Once again bolstering my point: these puppets shouldn't take part in this shit. Reality TV is seriously dangerous for your health weak people.

Wonder how long now until we can tally a list of those MURDERED on reality TV?

BTR gets starring role

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:28:00 +0000

Back to this summer's most bizarre reality effort, Who Killed Summer. Contestants here are using this blog as it's sick note, it's excuse to teacher. Not one episode goes past when this lot don't obssess about what's posted here? What can we say - glad to be of service.

In today's episode, loathsome wannabe reality hero Kian rallies his raggle taggle troupe into mutiny - telling the producers to basically piss off and that the six of them will be doing one for a few days! I have to admit - reality TV GOLD! The contestants demand a weekend break??!! And get one! Genius.

He pretends to be reading from everyone's favourite blog, yours truly, blagging that we've been leaked information and written about the conflict, with mystic meg-like accuracy.

There's no denying it - our little posts about their banal, vacant goings on have certainly put the wind up them - it's like watching a bunch of students descend into a bad trip - paranoia flying around like a cloud of bats. They are convinced that one of the production crew are feeding me a steady stream of pics and secret footage, all less than flattering, juicy stuff. Which, of course, I can neither confirm or deny.

This is quite a nice new feeling - directly influencing these gormless puppets myself - BTR produces WKS...this I like..

I'm not game-planning...not even for £100,000

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:03:00 +0000

My hand hurts. I have once again involuntarily punched the screen. I am of course watching Big Brother.

'I don't have a game plan', says living cigarette lezza Lisa.

'I know everyone's game plan' whinges Freddie 'I'm so clever that I can read all of them - but you can't read mine because I am a Greek God and better than you', he almost added.

'We don't have game-plans' cheep the rest, like the gormless mass they are...

Well why not you stupid twats?

Let's just go over this once again shall we?

1: You audition for Big Brother - a reality show in which strangers live together, nominating each other for eviction that the public vote on weekly.

2: The prize for the last one standing after, what seems like, 18,975 episodes, is a cool £100,000

3: You win a place on the show

4: You try and get on with people and make the viewers like you

5: You nominate people for eviction and hope you aren't nominated

6: You try and stay on the show for as long as possible - £100K is a lot of dosh.

Despite this - you have no plan whatsoever. You think 'playing the game and going for the cash prize' is, what, undignified? Not cricket? Goes against the egalitarian, anti-capitalist spirit of the vision for a new world order that you have dedicated your life to bringing about, with this appearance on Big Brother being just one step of your highly intricate journey towards that goal?

For Chrissakes, you all have a game plan - put very simply, it is a plan to win. Unless, of course, you are severely mentally impaired (stand up 43% of all past contestants) and have no idea what a cash prize is.

I have a game-plan. It's quite short really. It involves lining all reality contestants up on a very long plank that hovers over very deep water from a very bouncy boat. And, here's the plan bit, I plan to jump up and down on the springy boat because, if my plan works, they will all fall in.

And there is no rescue boat around for 800 nautical miles.

And I don't plan to throw any of the life jackets.

I like my plan.

Mum, Am I Ugly?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 13:50:00 +0000

After all these years of scrutinising and shafting reality TV, it still utterly amazes me how thick skinned most of these idiots are. Right here is a classic example. Marcus, aka the night strangler, aka wolfman, aka creepy pillock - was almost reduced to tears yesterday after seeing one of the official BB pics of himself.

He's got it into his bonce that the picture is unflattering, and that seeing it 'almost made me cry'. Unflattering??!! When was the last time this preposterously unattractive knob actually looked in the mirror? When watching him on screen I can almost hear the collective tsunami of vomiting from women (and men-fancying men) up and down the country. Watercooler BB conversations (all 3 of them for this series) inevitably focus on the sheer jaw-dropping ugliness of Marcus - inside and out.

Indeed, his physical appearance (akin to a 10 year old trying to dress up as an X-man with only his mum's wig and stick on brillo-pads to hand) is bad enough. But coupled with his truly revolting manner around the opposite sex, combines to him easily qualifying for a Chanel FIVE shockumentary about ugly folk as medical phenomena.

He simply cannot have enjoyed much female companionship over the years - the ponytail, the sideburns, the dodgy eye, the 'rapey' demeanour - would have put pay to that. So how the hell does he manage to build an ego that can be reduced to tears by, what he thinks is, an unflattering picture?

Watch his face (try and endure it) as he's evicted. As the doors open he seriously expects an army of adoring fans to be whooping with adoration. I cannot wait to see how the woverine boat of his tries to mask the utter shock at the scale of loathing pointing towards him.

P.S. A rarely seen picture of Dogface, having accidentally looked at Marcus first thing in the morning.

Slut

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:42:00 +0000

Well, well I bet her Mum is very proud. What a lady. She's a dark horse that Tete.

From day 1 she's played the whole 'I'm leaving my bad ways behind - this is a chance for me to enjoy myself without the decadence and bad antics that I previously indulged in.'

Really Tete? Well it took you precicesly about 12.4 minutes to drop your knickers for this specimin And what a catch! Where did Kian find this 'toilet roll salesman'? In a toilet?

Billy looks like he hasn't had a bath since his mummy used to do it for him. He practically exudes smell-o-vision. Those rags, sorry clothes, of his have never known washing powder.
I mean, I know that some women like a bit of rough, but c'mon Tete! This is beyond a bit of rough - this is a bit of salmonella.

So, lady that she is, Tete wasted no time in exploring the back of septic's mouth - as these exclusive pictures show. Approximately 3 mins after these were taken, they retired to Tete's tent bunk where, I am reliably informed, they indulged in very noisy, very gratuitous sex.

Here's a chick who likes to play the sophisticated card showing her true colours - nothing but an easy catch.

Cutting room floored

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:35:00 +0000

Now then, here's a thought.

Heaven forbid, but just imagine if BTR happened to come across some unseen footage from that particular day...Stuff that didn't make it into the actual episode...outtakes...the odd mislaid tape...left on a train, or something...

IF, such an impossible thing did happen, the conversation might have continued like this:

Emma: God she's so F###### sensitive. She can't take any critisism. It's like she thinks she better than you.

Kian: "Yeah, I know what you mean. And she is soooo boring. I can't remember having a single interesting conversation with her the whole trip.

Emma: And she leaches onto me like a bloody, um, leach. Every time I turn around, there she is.

Jude: Her boyfriend must be some kind of a nutter. What's he doing waiting all this long for God Squad? It's not exactly first prize is it!

All laugh.

But, as I say, that's just how it might have gone, if such a tape existed.

Even her so called friends hate her

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:25:00 +0000

{claire and so called 'friend'}

---Celebrity status alert! Genius irony alert! BTR has been featured in an episode of WKS - Look mum I'm on the telly!!!!---

It was my gentle observations of Claire that made the cut - the last episode when she runs off blubbing. Oh Claire, Claire, Claire. The little kingFISHER. So sensitive to the critisism. So fragile.

Well tough titty sweet-pea. BTR accepts zero responsibility for telling it exactly like it is when it comes to the plastic people who actually take part in these shows. No siree.

The show is now becoming increasingly hysterical to watch - Emma is doing everything in her power to ditch Claire! But she just won't take the hint.

As far as I can tell, the only winner of Claire being on the show is her boyfriend. At least he gets some peace and quiet from her sexless whinings for a few weeks.

But seriously, is Claire-bear exuding some rank smell or something? Because her bus-buddies are anything but her buddies. In the epsiode we see Kian stumble across my humble blog, Claire gets a glimpse and storms off in proper tears. Didn't see Emma, Jude or Kian exactly falling over themselves to go and comfort her. Instead they had a bit of a giggle:

Emma: (Laughing - comparing C to Silke Kauffman) "It looks like her doesn't it?!"
Miaow.

Killer Entertainment

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:57:00 +0000

It's no longer a case of when, but how serious. Doesn't it seem a long time ago that these sorts of shows were all about entertainment? When relatively well-balanced, albeit fame-hungry, people took part in them for a new experience.

This year alone we have seen Susan Boyle totally lose it; an 11-year-old Aiden Davis reduced to tears in front of 2 million viewers; no less than THREE Big Brother contestants walking out with totally shredded nerves...

And now this. Remember happy-go-lucky (yet utterly irritating) Sree? He's only gone and tried to off himself.

Let it be known here that BTR has long predicted that this is the year when the lid finally blows and we all find ourselves glued to our sets as a contestant turns the knife on someone else - live death...for our entertainment. Now that's what you call a watercooler moment.

Is this the most boring Reality Show contestant ever?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:02:00 +0000

It’s been standard knockoff fare from the start – sub Big Brother shit featuring a merry band of whining prima-donnas desperate for their moment in the sun.

However up until now at least reality producers have bothered to make an effort when they cast their future z listers. This time around, it looks like they knocked off at 3 to go to the pub, leaving some idiot researcher to OK contestant number 6.

“Ladies and gentlemen….Claire!”

Jesus – the most empty, charisma free waste of space ever to grace a so called ‘entertainment show’.

At least the other two girls on the WKS coach are camera friendly – the hot blonde, and the hot brunette. You can see what the producers were thinking – them two are category A gossip mag fodder – but Claire… Claire??

What does she offer?

“I love pop music! “ “Jonathon is the one!” “Look at my promise band!”

SHUT UP! Not only is she blessed with a dress that’d make your gran cringe she’s like an entertainment black hole – her goody goody mummy’s girl act sucking any fun, enthusiasm or joy into an infinite point of dull.

You can just see the guys on the bus glazing over every time she comes into view, in fact I think I speak for the entire male population when I congratulate Jonathon (who sounds like a giant tool anyway) for slipping that ring on her finger.

Promise Ring? The only promise Jonathon wants from Claire is to keep her bag lady clothes on. Having said that, should Claire really push the boat out and actually have more than two drinks, the sight of her naked should be contraception enough…

That's the way to do it!

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:22:00 +0000

A rare moment of entertainment in Big Brother these last couple of days, thanks to Wolf-man Marcus. First up the deeply creepy one throws a total tantrum when BB gently ribs him as part of one of his cringe-inducing tasks. He'd wittered previously about BB taking an 'awesome photo' of him, making him look like 'a complete top boy' (not humanly possible - even with photo shop). Obviously embarrassed at the revelation to 2 million people that he'd said something impossibly twatty (Oh yeah, the cameras pick up everything), he reverted to playground and smashed up the diary room.But the best bit was when he eventually, sheepishly crawled back to the diary room to apologise. Only his apology took the form of a deranged lecture to BB about how, if he were producing, he'd make such a better go of it. "I know what makes great telly and I offered you gold - you didn't take it".

Finally,we are here. The contestants think they can produce a better show than the producers. The lunatics are taking over the asylum. Inevitable really.

When will they learn?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:24:00 +0000

I'm amused to hear the Who Killed Summer 'innocent', Claire, whingeing about how she's worried about how fellow contestant, Emma, might be perceived. Where have these people been before they take part in such shows? A cardboard box? Or, maybe in Claire's case, tucked up in bible class - away from the harmful realities of modern life.

She furrows her brow and does a good stab at real worry when she says to Kian 'I'm just worried about how she's coming across'. Note to Claire - turn your worry a little closer to home dear. Emma might be many things, but she clearly gets that the cameras are on her. The question is Claire - what do the viewers make of you?

Dumb and dumber?

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 21:25:00 +0000

So this Who Killed Summer malarkey is shaping up to be quite a classic. Grudgingly I have to admit to finding these 6 wannabes a fraction more watchable than the doozies on Big Brother. Maybe I'm having a rare moment of philanthropy, but I'd even go so far as to say that a couple are vaguely likeable (I know, I know - call it sunstroke)

My gripe at the moment is with the reets producing this. Check out the contestant's 'task' this week!

Jesus, how many researchers on travel expenses does it take to come up with 'challenges' like these? Get autographs. Biggest names make you the winner - duh!

Nice to see Liam Gallagher hasn't evolved one iota though - like Cheddar cheese or the wheel - some things in life are just reassuringly...constant.

Brand New Targets - hurrah!

noreply@blogger.com (David Hampton) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 10:07:00 +0000

Just when I was about to suffer serious reality-hating withdrawl symptoms (Big Brother being so dull it doesn't merit comment) - this pops up

Oh. My. God. This looks set to mark a new bench in reality programming. It's early days, only the first 4 min episode has gone out, but already I can see how this one looks set to be the perfect target.

We have the full gamut of wannabe's: The show-off; the babe; the he-man; the square; the token exotic and the thinker.

Apparently, the plan is to send them off on one endless party - hitting festivals, gigs, parties etc over the summer and, get this, seeing which one is still standing! Which researcher on £10 travel expenses p/w came up with this gem!?

Could this be the final nail in reality's coffin?