Released on April 7, 1993, this nostalgic look at baseball in the 1960s made the late Roger Ebert realize “how completely this movie had seduced me with its memories of what really matters when you are 12.” He’s right. You get lost in this movie and transported into the times.

There are many memorable scenes but it would be unfair for anybody to rank the best lines from the movie. There are way too many to recall let alone put in order of the greatest. So what I have to offer you is ten of the best moments of the movie in my mind (plus a few extra, because why deprive you of Ham Porter and the gang.) And on that note…

The Colossus of Clout

Twins, amirite?

Is that your sister out there in left field? Naked?

Ham Porter fits the bill of what you expect every catcher in baseball to be like. Talking trash about the most outlandish things to distract hitters. And his tone is such that he’s merely mocking you with condescending but respectful remarks.

The carnival and chewing tobacco

I’m not going to torture anybody by showing the full clip of the aftermath from doing chew while riding the Trabant. Just know that “Tequila” by The Champs is entirely fitting for the soundtrack to the scene.

I blame myself

The true to life Pigpen has a realization of what it’s going to take to defeat The Beast.

First you take the mallow

One of the many “You’re killin me, Smalls” moments.

For-ev-er!

Black and white flashback bringing shades of the old “King Kong vs. ferocious animal” films.

I’m baking like a toasted cheeser!

There were always days when nobody wanted to play stickball because it was too damn hot.

Which leads to this phenomenon.

Lotioning, oiling. Oiling, lotioning. I can’t take it no more!

Fireworks

Seventh inning stretch time. Just relax and enjoy.

Mr. Mertle

Everybody had that neightbor that you swallowed your breath every time the tennis ball or such went into their yard. We all just assumed they were angry, evil people with a vendetta against children and fun. In most cases, we were probably right. But who knows – maybe we all had a James Earl Jones on our block who had majestic and historic items to share with us.

The Jet stole home!

You see that shimmy shake by Smalls?! Even Hitch might approve of those maneuvers.

By the way, Pablo Vitar played the older version of Benny, you know, the one featured in the below video. His brother Mike Vitar, 12 years younger, was the kid version of the PF Flyer donning Benny. Mike was 15 when The Sandlot was released. Which means that Pablo was 27. It’s unknown how old the adult version of Benny was, but adult Smalls says Benny lost a step or two. How many MLB players can you say lost a step or two by the age of 27? Who is the modern day version of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez?

November 15, 2009

Saturday was a chance for the Penn State faithful to thank those who have donned the blue and white for their contributions over the years.

Jeremy Boone, Daryll Clark, Jared Odrick, Jerome Hayes, Andrew Quarless, Mickey Shuler, Knowledge Timmons, AJ Wallace, and Navorro Bowman to name a few.

Yes, Navorro Bowman, a junior in eligibility, may have just played his final game in Beaver Stadium.  The linebacker makes up 1/3 of the starting linebackers for the 2009 squad. The other two, Sean Lee and Josh Hull, have no choice. Their time playing in Happy Valley is over.  The same may be said for Bowman.

If it is the last time that he runs through the tunnel onto the plush field, at lease he went out on a high note, with a team high twelve tackles, the second highest total in his career, and a 73-yard interception returned for a touchdown.

“We had to make a big play and obviously it was a huge lift for us,” said defensive coordinator Tom Bradley after the game.

Bowman’s second defensive touchdown of the season gave Penn State a 17-10 lead, one that they would never relinquish.

“My mindset this game was to leave out with a bang for the seniors,” said Bowman.  “I just left everything else on the field for those guys.”

With the touchdown, he became the first player since Tony Davis in 2006 to have multiple defensive scores in a season.

The questions about entering the NFL began before Bowman even made himself comfortable in the post-game press conference.

“I’ve been thinking about it. It’s a great choice to make,” said Bowman. “I’m going to sit down with my parents and think ‘what’s the best choice for me to make.’”

Todd McShay of ESPN.com currently has Bowman rated 13^th overall for the 2010 draft.  He does have the opportunity to return to Penn State next season and be a captain and leader on a defense that looks to return most of the starters.  Even more, he can get another season in the collegiate level to sure up his game.

“I can get better as a football player but you have to make the choice that’s right for you and your family,” Bowman said, never giving a clear answer but seeming to lean toward the professional level. “I love this game of football and when you have a chance to play against the best guys in the world, why not take it.”

Though his stats will never linger in Penn State lure with Ham, Buttle, or Posluszny, Navorro Bowman may go on to become the best NFL player to hail from Happy Valley.

And we can all say that we witnessed Bowman, on his last game ever in Beaver Stadium, lead Penn State to a victory.

And if he stays for one more season, well then this column was all for naught.

And so this is how the Tour ends; with the presumed obliteration of what I figure as the worst team in the NFL on the home turf of the best team in the NFL.  As per usual, the final week of the NFL season is dotted with plenty of meaningless contests, but this actually isn’t one – the Niners are still fighting for a first round bye with the Packers and need a win here with a Packers loss to secure one.  San Francisco are favourites by more than two scores, and the 16.5 point line makes them the biggest favourite of any team in any game this year (New England were favoured by 14.5 in Jacksonville last week).

The Cardinals season has been so depressing, even typing “Arizona Cardinals clubhouse” in Google feels like I should be prepared for a grim experience.  They are a perfect example of how the journey tells so much more than the destination.  If you told a garden variety Cardinals fan in August that their team would go 5-11, I doubt you would have enticed too many eyebrows to jump.  But it’s how the Cardinals have completely self destructed in a veritable mushroom cloud of offensive incompetence.  You can win in the NFL with a broken defense – hell, this Cardinal team went to a Super Bowl with one and New England have practically made it into an artform – but you absolutely cannot win with a broken offense.  There was a time when Arizona was a shock king of the NFL at the end of September.  Wins over Seattle, New England (in Foxboro) and at the time presumed powerhouse Philadelphia had Arizona fans booking their playoff tickets in that enormous stadium.  After all, they had an eminently winnable schedule ahead of them featuring the Rams twice, Buffalo and the already imploding Lions and Jets.  Then they played St. Louis in a characteristically forgettable Thursday Night Football encounter and it happened.  In their last twelve games, where they have gone 2-10, Arizona has conceded 46 sacks, 26 turnovers, just 905 rushing yards and four quarterbacks.  No running back on the team has as many as 360 rushing yards.  Quarterbacks aside from Kevin Kolb, who hasn’t played since mid-October, have thrown the ball 391 times.  They have two touchdowns.  They have thrown seventeen interceptions.  Arizona has two plays of over 40 yards all season.  Arizona has not scored an offensive touchdown in five games this season.  The Cardinals league worst 263 yards of offense a game is more than thirty yards worse than Jacksonville.  In a game against the Jets on December 2nd, they had five first downs – one by penalty.  They convert barely a quarter of their third downs.  In those last twelve games, their offense has combined for 14 touchdowns; their offense has conceded eight touchdowns.  The 2012 Arizona Cardinals are going to be the scared straight crackhead for future 4-0 surprise teams.

I seem to have hopped onto the Niners bandwagon at the exact moment everyone else has evacuated the carriage, their hair on fire and screaming manically.  Look, Seattle is a whole other thing right now, especially in Washington.  I don’t watch college football but when you see Seattle in Qwest it’s what I imagine the people who do watch college football for.  It’s like a political movement up there.  But the team that has displayed the highest quality football this year on anything like a consistent basis is San Francisco.  I was sceptical last year due to their incredibly vanilla offense, but this year they have been, as much as the still fundamentally limited personnel allow, much more adventurous.  San Francisco’s cumulative quarterback rating is up by nearly ten points this year, all of it on more daring throws.  San Francisco are throwing for 8 YPA this year, up from 7.1 last year.  They actually rank third in that category this year.  That has opened up the rushing game, which was overrated last year, averaging just 4.1YPC up to 5.2, second only to Minnesota.  San Francisco are, incredibly, one of the best offensive teams in football this year.  Their defense has lost nothing, with Aldon Smith taking Jared Allen’s mantle of best pure pass rusher in the NFL.  He has 19.5 sacks.    Culliver and Brown have bolstered and added badly needed depth to what was, in truth a thin secondary last year.  The takeaways are down from last season, but it’s a more complete defense.  Navarro Bowman now has people openly speaking of him as San Francisco’s best linebacker, and it’s not due to a fall off from Willis.  Michael Crabtree has broken out with 90+ receiving yards in three of his last four games.  Put it all together and San Francisco have found more quality players this year than just about any of the top flight contenders.  Having already beaten my #2 and #3, New England and Green Bay, on their own field’s this year, is enough for me to curse them with my own personal Super Bowl favouritism.

Gus Johnson gets on the tour!  His excessively exuberant, video game like call will accompany us on this game.  To add to the cartoonishness, the sideline reporter is named Kristina Pink.  With a K.  Justin Smith continues to sit.  Beanie Wells is also not participating after claiming he was “auditioning” for the rest of the league.  Wells averages 2.7 yards per carry.  Not exactly in a position to talk like that.  San Francisco kick and let the pummeling of Brian Hoyer, former Brady understudy, commence.

Arizona come out throwing, all three passes go to Floyd but only one is completed and they punt.  Ginn calls for a fair catch at the twenty, oddly as there’s not much pressure.  He then lets the ball bounce and Arizona can’t believe their luck as they down it at the one.  Bizarre play.  San Francisco feed it to Gore for three straight carries, including a third and eight and will also punt.  If Arizona are ever going to score, this would be the chance, starting at midfield.

Arizona’s first run, with William Powell, nets them nine yards.  A false start puts the Cards in a 3rd and sixth, and against this defense, it may as well be third and forty.  Hoyer does, miraculously, manage to scramble against a blitz and pick up the games first first down.  An end around to Andre Roberts is predictably a disaster and they cannot recover and kick it back to the Niners.  Larry Fitzgerald has not yet been targeted in this game.

San Francisco finally throw on their fifth offensive play but good pressure from the under appreciated Cardinal pass rush forces it to be thrown safely away.  On third down, Kaepernick looks for Crabtree but Peterson defends the pass and the ball lobs up for Daryl Washington who cannot complete the interception.  Zona begin on their own 46.

Fitz gets a catch for seven yards on a curl, Hoyer follows up by going to Floyd and they are in field goal range.  Arizona then completes to the third receiver on the drive, Roberts, for another first down and they have looked remarkably competent offensively so far.  The lack of a running game is hurting the Cardinals though and the sell out on the pass causes a couple of incompletions and forces the field goal.  Arizona has rushed just three times on thirteen offensive plays.  3-0 Cardinals.

Good return as San Francisco start on the 32.  Vernon Davis, leaking out, is absolutely hammered by famous hammerer Adrian Wilson, as San Francisco continue with their force feeding of Gore at every available opportunity.  San Francisco are still without a first down but a good punt means Arizona begin from their fourteen.  Hoyer has time in the pocket and goes deep and loopy to Floyd for 33 on a very deep curl.  Culliver had no idea and was five yards adrift.  Powell then comes firing out of the backfield like a bullet out of a gun for nine.  The next play is again to Powell, pinballing off defenders for eleven more and an upset might be brewing at the end of the first quarter.  Ahmad Brooks wraps Stephens-Howling for a stuffed run and with a third and fourteen in front of them, Arizona waves the white flag and takes three more points.

A Kaepernick scramble for seven yards represents the biggest play for the Niners offense today.  Gore follows up by picking up their first first down – it was seventeen minutes in the making.  A toss play to James, with Kaepernick as a key blocker (seriously!) along with Staley pulling from all the way across the line, results in twenty six more yards.  Chaos on that play amongst confused Arizona defenders.  A quick slant to Crabtree racing across the middle for seventeen and suddenly San Francisco is off to the races.  The enormous, 6″8 Calais Campbell sacks Kaepernick who was trying to run and break contain and that abruptly ends the drive.  The struggling David Akers does nothing to settle the nerves of Niner fans heading into January with another field goal miss.  He’s been awful this year and for Green Bay and San Fran, they have real problems on special teams.

San Francisco put up a great defensive series, especially in coverage, and Arizona can’t complete a pass.  The kick is a touchback.  Deep throw on first down to Crabtree over the middle for thirty one yards.  Big play capabilities of this offense are on display.  Kaepernick finds Crabtree again, this time on a sluggo, and this time all alone down the sideline and he strolls into the endzone and San Franciso have their first lead 7-6.  Crabtree has the first 1,000 yard season for the Niners since Terrell Owens.  Somewhere, Gregg Easterbrook is crying.

Crazy play as Hoyer throws it to a receiver on a curl, the ball rebounds off his chest, bloops up and looks to be swallowed by a Sopoaga.  Offensive guard Kelemete rips it out of his hands and actually charges forward for the first down.  Who ever thought an Arizona offensive lineman would ever do something constructive.  Was a first down too.  Third down is a forced throw to Fitzgerald and Brown breaks it up.  Kaepernick is flushed out of the pocket, something that has happened a lot today, and throws it away.  Third and eleven and the throw is again to guess who, who grabs it one handed as he goes out of bounds to convert.  116 yards already and he is as hot as anyone in the league.  Suddenly, San Francisco are throwing on every down.  Ah, there’s the draw on second and ten for a first down from James, who has 38 yards rushing.  Kaepernick living outside the pocket now, throws a strike to Delanie Walker for eighteen yards.  Two minute warning.  Gore runs up the middle for six.  Kaepernick steps up well to avoid Campbell who looked to have a certain sack, throws into the endzone and Peterson drops a sure pick.  Akers misses a second field goal, this one from forty yards.  The city of San Francisco is shaking its head.  Halftime.

These teams are 2/13 on third down today.  Gore has had just nothing today.  Kaepernick winds up big time, with a rare age in the pocket and hits Moss for twenty.  Crabtree again, this time a curl, evading defenders and making this look so easy.  Twenty nine yards and he has been absolutely electric.   Deep throw to Walker into the endzone but the pass is dropped.  Cannot complete on third down, Paris Lenon defending the pass.  Akers is finally able to put one through, though it was not a pretty kick.  10-6 and since the first quarter, San Francisco have been killing the Cardinals, as expected.  They have barely touched the ball.

Hoyer goes down with a gang effort from Aldon Smith and Jean-Francois, Justin Smith’s replacement.  Next play Ahmad Brooks comes up the middle and nails Hoyer again and here we go.  Third and 28.  Hand off and Patrick Willis this time comes throw to stuff the play.  Stars coming out in San Francisco.  Ginn returns it for 28 yards and San Fran start from the Arizona 38.  Walker digs in for twenty seven from a pump faking Kaepernick.  He then finds Crabtree for his second touchdown of the day past the outstretched arm of an overworked Patrick Peterson.  17-6 and all but impossible to see the offensively challenged Cardinals making their way back.

Hoyer completes a pass!  Hooray!   Still can’t get a first down though.  Arizona have 18 yards of offensive since the end of the first quarter.  Kaepernick finds Moss on an out to get the drive, a probably game sealing drive, started.  Gore drags Kerry Rhodes for seven yards and a first down.  Nine more up the middle, breaking tackles from an exhuasted defense.  To their credit, they put on some punishing hits to hold San Francisco out of field goal range and keep the score, in principle anyway, managable.  Wait, the Niners go for it on fourth and six and it’s to Crabtree (again) on a whip route who converts.  End third and we will check out if they finish this drive with seven points.  Wheel route to Gore for another first down.  They give it to him three straight times to cash it in and he does so.  San Francisco with 24 straight points (could have been 30) and that will do us.  Arizona put up what was probably, on balance, a reasonably spirited performance but go down 27-13 in the end, covering at least.

Thank you for joining me these past seventeen weeks on a tour of the NFL, covering every team in the league.  You can find my writeups of your team on the sidebar on the right, or if you’d like to review or catch up on any team you may have missed.  As Sean posted his first round playoff picks, I’ll do the same; Houston (by lots), Green Bay (little nervous but should be OK), Baltimore (by even more than Houston), Seattle (in a likely awesome game).  Anyway, I appreciated you reading and enjoy the playoffs and your 2013.

If you are like me, an avid fantasy football participant that rarely has a dull week watching the NFL because they have so many teams to manage, Week 17 can be your greatest nemesis. Nobody should ever do a league involving a playoff that extends into the final week of the regular season (the only argument I can accept is a two week championship involving the total points from Week 16 and 17). In watching the games on Sunday, October 30, 2012, I was reminded of how important the fantasy season is to the grand scheme of watching the entire NFL. I’ll tell you, it sucked.

In most weeks, a Titans-Jaguars game can give some semblance of interest to the fantasy folly. Chris Johnson, Justin Blackmon and Maurice Jones-Drew can generally be relied upon by somebody in your league. In the final week of the regular season ­– frankly my dear, nobody gives a damn. The Red Zone channel just seemed so uninteresting at times today. Every cut-in of the aforementioned Titans-Jags plus the Jets-Bills, Panthers-Saints, Browns-Steelers and Raiders-Chargers game was so worthless. Every one of those teams has somebody who likely starts in your league (OK maybe not the Jets). But those games had no playoff implications and were 1/3 of the league’s games excluding the nationally televised Redskins-Cowboys do-or-die game. Fortunately, one week from now, every game matters with the NFL playoffs.

If you are looking for a way to keep things interesting without gambling and enjoying the games with an added bonus, much like the regular NFL season, you can turn the four weeks of playoffs into your own new fantasy league. It gives that manager who says he was scorned by the injury bug and thus fell out of contention in the regular season to earn bragging rights, if only for a shorter window of competing. All you need is to draft a team and watch the games. No waiver pickups. No trades. Simple. You can make up your own stats for scoring but I will be using this scoring system:

Passing: 25 yards per point

Rushing/Receiving: 10 yards per points

All touchdowns: 6 points

Field Goals:
17-39 yards – 3 points
40-49 yards – 4 points
50+ yards – 5 points

Defense:
Sack: 1 point
Interceptions/Fumble Recoveries: 2 points
Safety: 2 points
Return Touchdowns: 2 points

Now of course the tough part of drafting a team is weighing many variables. You can put all of your eggs in one basket and draft heavy on one Super Bowl favorite. If they get to the big game, then you get at least three, maybe four games worth of statistics. That is great if you bank on Green Bay or Houston for example seeing as they have multiple offensive skill players and would play four games if they reach the Super Bowl. Having Aaron Rodgers or Arian Foster for that amount of time would be fantastic. When the Packers won the Super Bowl in 2010, Rodgers threw for over 1,000 yards and scored 11 touchdowns, including two rushing scores. He scored about 112 points over the course of that Super Bowl run, averaging nearly 28 points per game.

Another direction to go is to draft players on a team who may not make a run to New Orleans but you know will likely give you a good game. That same Packers team was a six-seed, playing every game on the road, in Philadelphia, Atlanta and then Chicago. Greg Jennings, Donald Driver and Jordy Nelson were all the top receivers in the 2010-11 playoffs. But the Jets also were a six-seed who made it to the AFC Championship. The stats were not as great in comparison for Mark Sanchez. Shonn Greene and LaDainian Tomlinson were in a timeshare in the backfield (yes, even in the postseason that word could haunt you).

Plenty of risk is in the system. Teams with byes can always be eliminated and you may only get one games worth of stats from elite players and top picks. Go after Tom Brady with your top pick and watch him go out in a Divisional Round matchup against Houston. It will be awful to witness.

While I would love to help you out with rankings and who to draft, it’s entirely up to you. But you have to consider who is going to win games and advance, what possible matchups could occur and what players will be used. My league runs with one quarterback, one kicker, one defense, and five slots for wide receivers, running backs and tight ends. You know teams like Seattle, Washington, Minnesota are more likely to rely on the run game so Marshawn Lynch, Alfred Morris and Adrian Peterson would be intriguing prospects. But obviously only Lynch or Morris will be advancing out of the Wild Card round. Even if A.J. Green only plays one game, you can be sure Andy Dalton’s going to go to his favorite target. Green along with Reggie Wayne, Wes Welker and Andre Johnson are the only wide receivers with over 150 targets playing in the postseason.

Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson and Rob Gronkowski missed a good part of the season with injuries but in Week 17 were all back in stride and put up solid numbers. Would you trust a rookie quarterback of which there are three (Luck, Griffin III, Wilson) or a playoff virgin (Ponder, Kaepernick) for the chance to draft a Foster, Peterson, Ray Rice, Demaryius Thomas or Wayne early?

It’s all part of the intrigue and it’s all up to you. Happy drafting and if you want advice, feel free to shoot a question off @gboyce19.

No, there were none of the usual shitty bowl games that usually pollute my special day, but in their place was a full slate of NFL games that I famously admit to not liking all that much. Which would I have rather had?

As it turned out, Week 17 ended being up pretty exciting for a number of reasons, so it could have been significantly worse. It sure beat the hell out of the Jim’s Ass Cleaner Bowl or whatever the also-ran bowl games I normally have to suffer through are called.

Looking back on the season, however, I couldn’t help but reflect on what I’d learned throughout the season. Some lessons I learned these past four months, football-related and otherwise:

• It’s difficult to write an effective rant 17 times, especially if you don’t actually do it 17 times.

• Driving 1,200 miles in two days is an unprecedented amount of suck.

• The gap between good quarterbacks and bad quarterbacks is arguably wider than ever.

• Mark Sanchez’s weekly incompetence probably should have been made into a drinking game. “Picked off,” “Took a sack after failing to throw the ball away,” “Walking off the field staring at the turf,” “Getting booed at home” and “Fumbling after plowing into an offensive lineman’s ass” would all have been included.

• Living in Minnesota and not having lip balm is a mistake you will only make once.

• The Arizona Cardinals might become the first team in football’s modern era to draft a quarterback right out of high school.

• No amount of clothing in the world makes a 30-below wind chill tolerable.

• Snowmen in Minnesota have a fighting chance of seeing May.
  

  This snowman was built like a brick shithouse, and thanks to the Minnesota cold, it will last until Memorial Day.

• One day we will all sit back and wonder how many Super Bowls Adrian Peterson might have won if only the Vikings had a competent quarterback.

• If I was married to Samantha Steele, I wouldn’t give a shit about football either.

• Yes, I am aware the Cardinals can’t actually draft a quarterback out of high school.

• I don’t know what the record for “most coaches fired the Monday after Week 17” is, but 2012 is going to give it a run for its money.

So, that’s that. With that out of the way, we’ll go through the schedule and determine the number of rats’ asses that were given by anyone on Sunday, and also mention what we learned when all was said and done. Ready? Okay.

Tampa Bay 22, Atlanta 17
Rats’ Asses Given: Very few if any.
What We Learned: With home field advantage sewn up, the Falcons didn’t particularly have to care and certainly did not appear to; they’ll have next week off. Doug Martin looks like a bona fide star. Can’t say the same about Josh Freeman, and the way he collapsed down the stretch (while also not looking particularly swell on Sunday) isn’t going to inspire confidence going into next year.

Buffalo 28, N.Y. Jets 9
Rats’ Asses Given: At least one, and for that we have Mark Sanchez to thank.
What We Learned: A few things: First, it seems that Rex Ryan’s job is safe, and I suspect Chan Gailey’s is also, but Tony Sparano was already reported to be handing in his keys on Monday and I sincerely doubt he’ll be an offensive coordinator again. Second, this game may have Sanchez’s official transition from “franchise quarterback” to “career backup.” If the Jets don’t bring him back (and they may not have a choice given the money he’s guaranteed and the cap hit), I don’t see how he gets a job as the undisputed No. 1 quarterback again. I could see him possibly winning a quarterback competition with a very short leash, but with the way he has taken leaps backward the past two seasons, it seems pretty clear he isn’t NFL-starter material. We might be able to say the same for Ryan Fitzpatrick, who clearly isn’t very good and should be a career backup, save salary cap issues of his own. And third, at what point should NFL front offices start being wary of USC quarterbacks? Carson Palmer had a short prime and has been washed up for years; Matt Leinart is a backup; John David Booty never got off the bench; and Mark Sanchez is on his way to standing next to the head coach for a living. It’s on Matt Barkley to buck the trend.

Cincinnati 23, Baltimore 17
Rats’ Asses Given: Very few.
What We Learned: Even with the theoretical possibility of jumping to the third seed and a rematch with Cincy, the Ravens essentially sat everyone of value and the game was basically a preseason game. Cincy visits Houston next week, and frankly the Bengals have to be loving their good fortune considering the free-fall that has been this month’s Texans. Baltimore will host Indianapolis. If Jim Irsay had a sense of humor, he’d have his team show up for the game in charter buses painted to look like Mayflower Transit vehicles.

Chicago 26, Detroit 24
Rats’ Asses Given: An amount equivalent to every rodent in northern Illinois.
What We Learned: All six of Chicago’s losses were to teams that made the playoffs; they were 7-0 against everyone else. You do the math. The Year of the Cupcake offered up one more as the Bears tried to save their season, and the Lions were game, but Chicago prevailed in large part because Detroit simply could not win close football games (3-8 in games decided by seven points or less, including the last five such contests). It’s hard to fire a coach after a 10-win season, and I suspect Lovie Smith will keep his job despite a 3-5 second half, but he shouldn’t—the Bears frankly were not that good, and would have done far worse if they had played even a moderately difficult schedule. It seems Jim Schwartz is as good as gone, though, but it shouldn’t be because they dropped eight straight to finish out the schedule (although that doesn’t hurt). The reason should be because, in a pass-happy league, the league’s No. 2 passing attack could only manage to win four games. And because, in a Week 15 game that should have been an auto-W, the Lions didn’t show up and got crushed by Arizona.

Tennessee 38, Jacksonville 20
Rats’ Asses Given: Exactly zero.
What We Learned: Tim Tebow was going to start in Jacksonville next year anyway, but Chad Henne didn’t help his cause by lobbing three picks. Chris Johnson probably did enough through the middle portion of the season to avoid being cut this offseason. It’s anyone’s best guess if Mike’s Munchak and Mularkey will still have jobs Tuesday morning.

Indianapolis 28, Houston 16
Rats’ Asses Given: By Houston, in theory, many; but it sure didn’t look that way on Sunday.
What We Learned: At one point cruising to home field advantage in the AFC, the Texans managed to drop three of their last four and play their way right out of a first-round bye. Matt Schaub did not play well in all three of those losses, and if Arian Foster doesn’t run all over Cincy’s defense next week, it’s hard to see the Texans playing their way to New England the following week. Still, the Texans had the lead in the third quarter, until Deji Karim managed to run absolutely untouched on a kickoff return—seriously, he had nothing but green fields in front of him as soon as he hit his own 30—for a backbreaking touchdown (as well as, for Houston, one of the most egregious special teams breakdowns in recent memory). Indy heads to Baltimore next week in a 4-5 matchup.

Carolina 44, New Orleans 38
Rats’ Asses Given: None, now that Sean Payton seems unlikely to bolt for Dallas.
What We Learned: If only the Panthers had started running the ball more recently than the final game of the season. DeAngelo Williams exploded for 210 yards, scoring on a 54-yard run and breaking off a 65-yard run as well. It would seem, given Drew Brees’ performance in the final two games of the year, that the Saints are poised to pick up right where they left off before Payton was forced to sit out the season. That is, of course, provided they decide to ever play defense, which apparently is optional in the Saints’ system. It appears Ron Rivera has coached his way out of the unemployment line, winning the final four games (and five of six) to finish at a surprising 7-9.

N.Y. Giants 42, Philadelphia 7
Rats’ Asses Given: One. Michael Vick said this game wasn’t an audition, but we all know better.
What We Learned: Perhaps things would have been different if Juan Castillo, who very quietly was doing a nice job with the defense, hadn’t been unceremoniously shitcanned after losing a pair of games largely thanks to go-ahead or game-tying drives while facing the hurry-up offense. Instead, he got his pink slip with the Eagles at 3-3, and they proceeded to lose the next six games and nine of their final 10. Meanwhile, Vick did nothing to suggest he is a reliable option under center, throwing an interception on his second pass and generally not looking particularly great. A playmaker who can’t make plays, in some part due to a propensity for injury, isn’t a particularly great asset to have on board. Andy Reid’s tenure in Philly went out with a whimper, as the team finished on a 1-11 skid and seemed to look worse every week. Despite the win, the Giants were eliminated from the playoffs with the Bears’ victory, and much of the blame should fall on Eli Manning for his uninspiring play during the season’s second half (when the G-Men went 3-5). He wasn’t the team’s only problem, but quarterback is a pretty critical position and playoff teams can’t afford poor play under center.

Pittsburgh 24, Cleveland 10
Rats’ Asses Given: Probably just one, because Pat Shurmur had to feel he was coaching for his job on Sunday.
What We Learned: It didn’t matter. The Browns finished the season by fumbling (three of them) and bumbling (it is the Browns) to their 11th loss of the season in a game that the Steelers appeared very much to have mailed in. I suspect Todd Haley will be job hunting this week after the Steelers send him packing; it seems that he and Ben Roethlisberger did not click, and you know Big Ben isn’t going to be traded.

San Diego 24, Oakland 21
Rats’ Asses Given: None. Even Norv Turner seems to have resigned himself to being shitcanned after the game.
What We Learned: An ugly offensive game all around. I’m not entirely sure Turner should be considered that great of a hire for offensive coordinator despite insistences otherwise; after all, Philip Rivers has been average at best for the last two seasons, and the Chargers finished in the league’s bottom four in total offense this season. Shouldn’t that raise some red flags?

San Francisco 27, Arizona 13
Rats’ Asses Given: None in Arizona, that’s for sure.
What We Learned: The Niners rolled over the Birds and reclaimed a first-round bye in the process. I have more than a few doubts about the quarterback situation, but San Fran can pound the rock and play suffocating defense, and that might be enough to offset what can only be considered a weakness under center. I highly doubt that Ken Whisenhunt returns as head coach in Arizona next season; like the Eagles, the Cardinals finished the year on a 1-11 skid, one that included a humiliating 58-0 spanking by Seattle. A new head coach and a new quarterback are atop Arizona’s offseason wish list.

Seattle 20, St. Louis 13
Rats’ Asses Given: Some.
What We Learned: Seattle had to know the odds of San Francisco losing to Arizona were slim, so a date against the NFC East champion was all but secured. The Seahawks took longer to dispatch of the Rams than I had suspected, but nevertheless enter the postseason as arguably the most dangerous team in the league. Fortunately for prospective opponents, only Minnesota would potentially have to travel to CenturyLink Field (in the unlikeliest of NFC Championship games). But make no mistake about it, nobody wants to play Seattle right now. The loss kept Jeff Fisher at just six winning seasons all-time.

Minnesota 37, Green Bay 34
Rats’ Asses Given: 2,105.
What We Learned: All Day fell short of the all-time single-season rushing record by eight lousy yards, but in doing so (he ran for 199 on the day) he ran the Vikings right into the playoffs, where they will face the Packers at Lambeau Field next week. Now that the Vikings are in the playoffs, it will be nothing short of grand larceny if Adrian Peterson is not named MVP. Don’t give me any of this Peyton Manning bullshit; AD, with a reconstructed knee, put the Vikings on his back and carried them to the playoffs, while Manning played for a team that made the playoffs with Tim Tebow a year earlier. Green Bay needed the win to get next week off, but ended up in a defense-optional affair that left Christian Ponder looking like a capable NFL quarterback. If their Wild Card game looks anything like Sunday’s battle, NFL fans are in for a real treat.

New England 28, Miami 0
Rats’ Asses Given: The minimum necessary.
What We Learned: The Patriots were going to beat Miami under any and all circumstances; it just so happened that the Texans continued their recent atrocious play and handed New England a first-round bye. Miami was essentially Chicago south; they went 2-5 against eventual playoff teams, but beat Cincinnati during the Stripeys’ sloppy first half. The only win that jumps out is the one against Seattle, the sole Seahawks loss over the final eight games of the season. They just never felt like a 7-9 team, and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly how good they’ll be next year.

Denver 38, Kansas City 3
Rats’ Asses Given: None were necessary to beat Kansas City.
What We Learned: Denver hauled in home field advantage throughout the playoffs while holding K.C. to 119 yards of total offense; in fact, Denver quadrupled Kansas City’s offensive output for the game. Setting a new standard for abysmal quarterback play, Brady Quinn went 7-for-16 for 49 yards, a staggeringly low number that made even Christian Ponder laugh out loud. The Chiefs locked up the first overall pick in next year’s draft, and if they use it on Geno Smith or Matt Barkley, fans in K.C. should go ahead and cancel their season tickets in advance.

Washington 28, Dallas 18
Rats’ Asses Given: All of them.
What We Learned: The Redskins are going to the playoffs and will host Seattle, largely thanks to Alfred Morris, who trampled the Cowboys and put Washington on his back all game long. The assist goes to Tony Romo, who played brilliant football all through December only to… wait, let’s hold both of these thoughts.

Player of the Week: Alfred Morris, Washington. 200 yards and three touchdowns in a win-or-go-home game? That’s a big time performance for any player, let alone a rookie who quietly set the franchise record for single-season rushing yards and played a tremendous role in Washington’s seven-game winning streak to finish the season and claim the division title.

Arizona Cardinals Memorial Bed Defecation of the Week: Sean Donald, author. I win the award because, late in the fourth quarter, I texted Nowhere Plans’ senior Cowboys fan, Dan, and told him I had a hunch the Cowboys would reverse recent history and win the game. Moments later, they made a big defensive stop that led to what should have been Tony Romo’s game-winning and legacy-altering drive. And then he threw an interception that can only be described as Favre-ian (adjective: possessing Favre-like qualities, specifically when applied to throwing footballs directly to the other team late in games), and the game was over. All things considered, Romo gets a bad rap; he has an alarming propensity to make bad decisions at horrible times, but they overshadow what is otherwise a pretty impressive body of work. Still, Romo would be the easy winner for this award if I hadn’t so brazenly called a Cowboys victory just moments before it all fell apart. In other words, do not take me to Las Vegas.

Playoffs next week! See you then. My picks: Indy, Cincy, Seattle and Green Bay.

Miami wins out today and then in Foxboro.
The Jets lose to both San Diego and Buffalo.
Cincinnati loses to both Pittsburgh and Baltimore.
Pittsburgh loses to the Browns in Week 17.

See!  That easy!  Miami is favoured by more than a field goal.

Despite my sarcasm, the Dolphins have had a fundamentally good year.  I had them as the second worst team in the NFL coming into the year and was deeply sceptical of Ryan Tannehill behind centre.  Tannehill hasn’t been great, but he hasn’t been a Gabbertian disaster either.  He has a rating of 75.9, more than ten points higher than Gabbert’s rookie season and has actually – brace yourselves – had a higher QB rating than media darling Andrew Luck.  He certainly hasn’t sunk Miami.  Their pass rush is as good as ever, powered by the ever formidable Cameron Wake.  Their defensive tackles are arguably the best in the NFL with Randy Starks, Paul Soliai and enormous 300 pound defensive end Jared Odrick combining for an impressive eleven sacks.  Miami ranks fifth in sacks overall, ahead of more talked about defenses in San Francisco and Chicago.  That huge defensive front has also seen Miami rank sixth in YPC against.  The upshot is Miami have the sixth best scoring defense in the NFL.  It’s carried (to 6-8 at least) a running game that longs for the halycon Sparano Wildcat days.  It’s hard to think of Daniel Thomas as another other than a bust at this point, with 256 career carries netting just 3.5 a pop and four touchdowns. Bush’s bust status, relative to draft position, has long been solidified.  Miami ranks 20th in yards per carry, but only two of the teams below them, Denver and the hapless Jets, rush it more.  Only Philadelphia and Washington have fumbled the ball more.  Miami’s rushing game has been an utter disaster, and with a rookie QB in place, it’s a minor miracle Miami has had a presentable season; that defense is one of the best in football.

This heartbreaking article from a Bills fan website details what has gone wrong with the upstate New York team.

“The Buffalo Bills made an attempt to bolster their pass rush this off-season when they handed out $115 million in contracts to defensive ends Mario Williams and Mark Anderson. Through three games, the Bills’ new pass-rushing duo has combined for 2.5 sacks, and both are coming off of very strong performances in Sunday’s 24-14 win over the Cleveland Browns.”

The Cleveland Browns!  Doesn’t their pride just break your heart?  Aside from the home tilt against the Dolphins, Buffalo has only beaten Kansas, Cleveland, Arizona and Jacksonville all year, four of the worst eight teams in the league.  Mark Anderson, who was paid nearly eight million guarenteed dollars to come to Buffalo, has not had a sack since when this article was written, on September 25th.

“Marcell Dareus has also flashed dominance in the early goings, though he has not been nearly as consistently disruptive as Williams has. With 1.5 sacks on the season already, Dareus has been much more noticeable defending the run, where he consistently eats up double teams and allows his teammates to make plays.”

Darius has had two more sacks in the eleven games since and just one stuff all year.  Buffalo has the worst run defense in the league both in YPC (5.1) and touchdowns (22, EIGHT more than second worst).

“Right now, Williams looks like an eventual Pro Bowl shoo-in, and the group as a whole has been excellent.”

The latest released ballots show Mario Williams isn’t even at the top five at his position.  Ryan Fitzpatrick still has 22 million guarenteed dollars on his contract and has a career 77 QB rating.  God, shoot me now, this whole game is just so sad.

Perhaps not as sad as me though.  It may surprise you that this is the only game of this Tour I have done live…up at 430 in the morning here in Australia to watch.  Christmas plans mean I am unable to do my normal score dodging all day and write on it in the evening.  There was some serious life evaluation waking up at 430am on Christmas Eve to watch the Bills and Dolphins.  Jake Long is out.  So are Davone Bess and Daniel Thomas.  Buffalo defers sending that league worst scoring defense out there.

Tannehill completes on third down with a quick out to Bush who scampers outside for fourteen yards.  There is the usual lecture about whether Bush is or is not an every down back; surely this question has been answered definitively by now.  That said, he is starting well, with ten yards breaking ankles up the middle.  Tannehill finds Fasano over the middle for seven more.  An incompletion and a signature no gain Bush effort forces a third and ten and that is beyond the Dolphins. Nate Kaeding is apparently kicking for the Dolphins now.  It’s not a great start to his Dolphins career as Carrington gets a piece of it.  That’s blocked and Buffalo gets the ball for the first time on their 37.

Fitzpatrick checks down to Spiller, who immediately finds the space outside and that breakaway speed for fourteen yards.  Miami was lucky it wasn’t worse.  Miami sends the house following a false start but Buffalo finds Chandler up the scheme, blown coverage and good for twenty five yards.  Chandler is down and injured.  Spillers first run is a tough five yards up the middle.  Quick slant to Johnson that the Patriots would be proud of looks like an easy ten yards but he is stripped by Shaun Smith and the ball returned twenty four to the 38.

Shotgun draw and Buffalo comically overpersues and the backside is wide open.  I cannot stress the wide strongly enough.  It’s a shock Bush gains only nine.  Today’s secondary back Lamar Miller gets ten more through a sea of missed tackles inside as this Buffalo defense looks characteristically awful.  Another shotgun draw gets yards.  A tiptoeing Brian Hartline completes a corner route for a third down conversion and into the redzone.  Miami has 48 rushing yards on nine carries.  Play action on first down and again, no one is paying attention to the backside where Bush is free, gets the throw and skips away, leaping for the touchdown.  They review a possible foot out of bounds.  He was clearly out at the four, but they let the call stand for mysterious reasons.  Still, the chances of Buffalo stopping a first and goal from the four are essentially non existent.  7-0.

Brad Smith, who for all intents and purposes has value only as a returner, gets the ball a yard in the endzone, stands around thinking about things as though oblivious that eleven dudes are coming to hit him and then foolishly decides to come out and is stopped at the twelve.  Just awful.  Spiller finds some room outside with good blocking by tight end TJ Brown.  Stevie Johnson continues an awful day by dropping a ball fired right into his chest.  Crossing route to Dickerson finds a second first down on the drive and that’s the first quarter.  Some good defensive playcalling confuses Fitzpatrick, gets a couple of incompletions and the punt goes out of bounds at the Miami 38.

Buffalo’s pass rush is impressive on third down.  Tannehill holds in there but his throw to Fasano is dropped and Buffalo forces a three and out but will start on their own eleven.  Spiller breaks away with a magnificent run, juking what must be five guys and then just pure speed.  He is ultimately ankle tapped by safety Smith and downed but not after gashing the Dolphins for sixty one.  Watching him get 300 carries next season is going to be awesome, he’s the only reason to watch this awful Bills team.  Fitzpatrick loops one over the defensive back to Johnson in the endzone, who then drops the ball after he hits the ground.  This is just not his day.  The third down play is a disaster, Fitzpatrick trying one of those bubble screens, but fakes, Odrick coming right after him and he takes off for his life, chased by three Dolphins and the field goal is forced.

Thigpen has a nice return to the 34 to continue the field position advantage Miami have enjoyed through this game.  Tannehill fakes the handoff and takes off himself to pick up a first down.  Play action pass is tipped and flies in the air but no Buffalo player can pounce.  That was Carrington for his second tip of the day.  Tannehill takes off again for yards.  This time a QB draw.  Miami cannot complete on third down with good pressure from the Bills.  Fitzpatrick has not completed any of his last five passes and Buffalo punts from their fourteen and Miami starts in Bills territory.

Tannehill looks for Hartline deep, into the endzone but he can’t hold onto a one handed catch over Aaron Williams.  Tannehill cannot complete on third down – it’s an incompletionathon in Miami today.  The punt mercifully bounces into the endzone and Buffalo badly needs those twenty yards of field position.  Spiller gets the ball on all three downs but not even that is enough to give us the first first down in six or seven minutes of game time.  Thigpen’s 18 yard return sets the Dolphins up on their 34.

Finally, a first down!  Tannehill goes down the seam to find Matthews for 29 yards at the two minute warning.  Tannehill takes off again, outside this time and beats a couple of defensive backs with New Orleans style tackling.  Byrd comes over and hits him at the three and the ball is fumbled.  There’s a discussion about whether it went into the endzone but they decide it didn’t and Miami breathes a sigh of relief.  Good call.  Tannehill has 43 rushing yards.  Bush rings it up, 14-3 Miami.  Halftime.

Buffalo open the second half, unsurprisingly, with Spiller.  He beats safety Jones for the corner and a first down.  Fitzpatrick finds Dickerson who apparently fumbles and Miami recovers.  Really, really looked like an incompletion.  Replays suggest it really is, but again Buffalo is robbed on review and Miami starts on their 36, just constantly excellent field position.

Lamar Miller gets 28 yards on the run from a shotgun formation as Buffalo are terrified of Tannehill taking off.  Next play is a throw, Mario Williams is coming for the sack and Tannehill maybe throws it away, maybe fumbles, maybe laterals it across field.  It bounces along and is recovered by Buffalo and again we are going upstairs.  It didn’t seem so much like the sack, more like he lost balance, hard to tell what kind of mess up it was.  Incomplete.  Bush gashes them for eight and they are in field goal range.  Tannehill gets a third down conversion on a curl to Binns.  Miami committing to the run as they have all game.  The Dolphins score on a nice throw and even better catch on a rainbow over a pair of defensive backs.  That’s Bush’s third touchdown today and to add salt into the wound, it’s roughing the passer on Buffalo (a typical pussycat call).  21-3 and Spiller will be largely neutralised now.

Buffalo didn’t get the memo, giving it to CJ on the first four plays, the second of which is bounced outside for a first down and twelve yards.  Sack fumble from Wake on third down, another fifty fifty call against Buffalo, recovered by the Dolphins.  Buffalo gets a sack of their own, courtesy of Marcel Darius and Buffalo desperately need to force a three and out.  A screen to Binns is enough to inch Miami into field goal territory and Kaeding nails the 45 yarder.  It’s 24-3 and this has to be the drive for Buffalo to have any chance.

First down holding from Buffalo, who have seven penalties on the day to none from Miami.  Buffalo runs out of the wilcat on 2nd and 20 from their own ten, down by 21 with less than 4 minutes remaining in the third quarter in what might be the worst playcall of the Tour.  It gains a yard.  Third down is a defeated checkdown to Spiller and Buffalo will have to punt.

Pass interference gives the Dolphins a first down.  An in route to Binns for a third down conversion to end the third.  Buffalo’s pass rush is aggressive and do enough to force a very difficult field goal, 53 yards.  It’s a surprise pooch punt that is terrible, touchback and Buffalo hanging on by their fingernails.

Fitzpatrick manages to find Dickerson on a crossing route, but are throwing screens and still running and appear to have given up.  Finally they at least try, going long to Graham for 41 yards down the left sideline.  It’s followed by an out to Johnson for a first down.  Fitzpatrick goes back to Graham who is held by Dimitri Patterson but again, the refereeing gods smile on the Dolphins and there’s no call.  Continued high quality pressure from the Dolphins threatens to end this game.  A draw to Spiller is very entertaining, reversing field and hopping out of tackles around the ankles but is only ultimately worth a couple of yards and the clock keeps ticking.  Brad Smith does, however, finally get the touchdown with less than nine minutes to go.  24-10 and can Miami get the necessary first downs to close this out?

Buffalo loses contain on Lamar Miller who is able to sneak away for a key first down.  Miami cannot repeat the trick as Buffalo stops all three subsequent runs and gets the ball back with under six minutes left on their own 30, but a crucial unnecessary roughness penalty knocks them back to the fifteen.  Sack on first down, scramble on second down, checkdown to Spiller who runs out of bounds for a first down, but this is taking too much time.  Underneath to Brad Smith but in bounds and under four and a half left, just one timeout.  Odrick hits Fitzpatrick in the head for fifteen yards and a first down.  Buffalo responds with a fifteen yard penalty of their own with the rarely seen facemask against the offense on first down and there was never a future after first and twenty five.  The drive soaked up 15 plays and ended in an interception.  Not only did the Dolphins hold on 24-10, but Cincinnati’s win over Pittsburgh means yet another season in Miami ends in disappointment.

Coming up on Week Seventeen: Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

50. First Aid Kit – Emmylou

49. Laurel Halo – Thaw

48. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Kinski Assassin

47. Locrian and Mamiffer – In Fulminic Black

46. Cult of Youth – Golden Age

45. Passion Pit – Carried Away

44. School of Seven Bells – When You Sing

43. Andy Stott – Numb

42. Lotus Plaza – Monoliths

41. Grizzly Bear – Speak in Rounds

40. Chromatics – Lady

39. Julia Holter – Fur Felix

38. Scott Walker – SDSS14+13B (Zercon, a Flagpole Sitter)

37. Matthew Dear – Temptation

36. Hot Chip – Don’t Deny Your Heart

35. Death Grips – Hacker

34. Beach House – The Hours

33. Tame Impala – Feels Like We Only Go Backwards

32. Titus Andronicus – Upon Viewing Oregon’s Landscape With the Flood of Detritus

31. Kendrick Lamar – Swimming Pools (Drank)

30. Frankie Rose – Know Me

29. El-P – Tougher Colder (feat. Killer Mike and Despot)

28. Pallbearer – Devoid of Redemption

27. Animal Collective – Amanita

26. Cloud Nothings – Fall In

25. Purity Ring – Fineshrine

24. Daughn Gibson – In The Beginning

23. Fang Island – Make Me

22. Hundred Waters – Visitor

21. School of Seven Bells – The Night

20. Dan Deacon – USA IV: Manifest

The final four tracks of Dan Deacon’s stunning electro-classical record America are an homage to the country he (and, most of you, I expect) calls home. The four-part “USA” suite is at times peaceful and at others chaotic, but above all it is triumphant. “Manifest,” the culmination of the journey through “The Great American Desert,” is a victory lap for the intrepid traveler.

19. DIIV – Doused

Post-punk made a bit of a comeback in 2012, and leading the charge was the blissfully serene guitar-rock of DIIV. But while the majority of their debut record, Oshin, is lost in a wash of reverb, “Doused” showcases DIIV at their most direct and aggressive. The pummeling rhythms and high-speed vocals bring to light a darker side to the band, as the song begins to feel more and more claustrophobic towards the conclusion.

18. Swans – Song for a Warrior

In the middle of Swans’ masterpiece The Seer, the noise suddenly stops. What had been over an hour of chaotic cacophony and tension suddenly gave way to a pair of gentler ballads. The second, “Song For A Warrior,” is the warmer of the two primarily because of Karen O’s gorgeous vocals.  Her great range carries a gentle folk tune similar to the Michael Gira side project Angels of Light. “Song for a Warrior” serves as the jumping-off point for the record’s thrilling 2^nd half.

17. Converge – All We Love We Leave Behind

“All We Love We Leave Behind” basically has a perfect intro. After a solo bass lead-in gives way to a quick staccato drum pattern, a perfectly-executed, lightning fast guitar riff comes soaring in. The parts intensify, the breaking point is reached, and the song climaxes before crumbling back down and doing it one more time. It’s a brilliantly-written song that is as captivating as it is assertive.

16. Cloud Nothings – Wasted Days

Cloud Nothings don’t possess the technical virtuosity of their relatives Converge, but they more than make up for it with tight songwriting and excellent hooks. “Wasted Days” rushes through its eight-minute runtime, establishing its presence with an intense vocal performance from singer Dylan Baldi. After the peak is reached, the song drops out before being built back up by a snaking guitar solo and a steadily rising kick drum. “I THOUGHT/I WOULD/BE MORE/THAN THIS!”

15. The Shins – No Way Down

The Shins’ first album in five years was the latest in a series of strong efforts from the veteran band. “No Way Down” was my spring break jam, its catchy hook and sunny guitars serving as a great beachside companion. While Port of Morrow wasn’t my most favorite Shins record, this song will go down as one of their best.

14. Tame Impala – Elephant

Tame Impala returned with a flourish in 2012, and you only need to listen to their standout track “Elephant” to know it. Actually, you don’t even need to listen to the whole song; the guitar-followed-by-synth solo midsection of the song should suffice. One of many excellent songs on Lonerism (I had five on my initial “best songs” list), “Elephant” puts the best of Tame Impala on display.

13. Kendrick Lamar – Sing About Me/Dying of Thirst

Kendrick Lamar’s masterpiece good kid m.A.A.d. city is a story above all, and “Sing About Me/Dying of Thirst” is the emotional climax. After Lamar’s reckless lifestyle ends up getting a friend killed, he is forced to inspect every aspect of his life and determine what’s really important. “Dying of Thirst” is the real stunner of this two-part track, with Lamar’s smooth flow serving to express his frustration with the situation in his city. “Money, pussy and greed, what’s my next crave/whatever it is, know it’s my next grave.”

12. Purity Ring – Ungirthed

Sometimes you just need one good idea to make a great album. Purity Ring found an excellent formula, and “Ungirthed” is the quintessential example of that formula. Megan James’ dainty vocals mingle perfectly with the schizoid, herky-jerky beat. The result is a short but sweet sampling of Purity Ring’s hypnotic music.

11. Hot Chip – Let Me Be Him

Hot Chip features primary vocalist Alexis Taylor so prominently, it is quite the shock when someone else’s voice makes a featured appearance. In the case “Let Me Be Him,” that shock is transcendent and uplifting. The bubbly beat and bird-backed outro make this song great, but the chorus makes it special.

10. Animal Collective – Applesauce

“Applesauce” falls somewhere between “Brother Sport” and “Who Could Win a Rabbit” on the Animal Collective spectrum, and anyone who is a fan of the band knows that is definitely not a bad thing. The song is a frantic take on childhood nostalgia (imagine that!); delivered with the amazing gusto Animal Collective followers have come to expect.

9. Twin Shadow – Beg For The Night

The world needs more orchestra hits. The sound bites punctuate “Beg For The Night” in precisely the right spots, giving the already stellar song an added kick. This pop-inflected rocker is undeniably catchy, but it’s his sense of timing that really pushes him to the top of the pop guys working today.

8. Sleigh Bells – Comeback Kid

The question with Sleigh Bells was always “OK, but can they do it again?” The answer is yes, and “Comeback Kid” is all the evidence you need.  It combines Sleigh Bells’ inherent hookiness with a newfound songwriting maturity. It’s a rare thing for a song to have an equally infectious verse and chorus, but Alexis Krauss and Derek Miller pull it off with a bang.

7. Daughn Gibson – Lookin’ Back on ’99

Daughn Gibson’s electro-country grooves are arresting on first listen. Reading early reviews of the former metal drummer’s solo debut, I was skeptical of the sound. But song after song on All Hell blew me away, none more so than the grooviest of them all. “Lookin’ Back on ‘99” sounds like a more organic Matthew Dear, and Gibson’s vocals are the real standout, carrying the track along.

6. Godspeed You! Black Emperor – We Drift Like Worried Fire

While Godspeed’s first new album in 10 years wasn’t exactly new material – they performed the two long tracks at their live shows years before – it’s strong evidence that their early ‘00s post-rock sound is still just as relevant today. “Mladic” and especially the absolutely monstrous “We Drift Like Worried Fire” saw a band some thought was gone for good functioning at the height of their powers. “We Drift” is a clinic in the “epic build-up” category of songs; this band does it like no one else. I’m happy to have these guys back.

5. Japandroids – Younger Us

There was no song I related to more this year than this one. I got engaged, graduated college, and got a full-time job. With the college lifestyle I had starting to go by the wayside, I found myself already missing it. “Younger Us” is a bittersweet song about the recklessness of youth and what it means to leave that behind.  Besides being a very strong blur of a garage rock song, it resonated with me in other ways, making it one of my most loved songs of the past year.

4. Grimes – Genesis

I sort of felt like the cutesy playfulness of Grimes’ music got lost in the bevy of “News of the Weird” stories that emerged regarding the project’s sole member, Claire Boucher. She canceled a bunch of tour dates due to severe tinnitus, released a string of weird videos, and it even came out that she once tried to raft down the Mississippi. I also feel like Pitchfork awarded “Oblivion” song of the year honors because of that news hype. It all came back to her flawlessly crafted songs though, and while her album dragged for me towards the end, the standouts “Oblivion” and especially “Genesis” were a cut above most of this year’s releases.

3. Beach House – Wishes

Beach House are gonna find it hard to top this one. Like Purity Ring, Beach House is a band that, for their last two albums at least, has operated off a single specific theme. It’s worked wonders for them, and that’s especially evident on the wistful “Wishes.” The verse slowly builds and suddenly blooms into a stunningly beautiful guitar solo. It’s a stunning achievement for a band that is one of the most consistent out there.

2. Passion Pit – Love is Greed

The singular effort of Michael Angelakos’ depression-turned-peppy Passion Pit project, “Love is Greed” features a transcendent chorus melody behind a cynical lyric about the fallacy of love. Cynicism and all, “Love is Greed” shows off everything that makes Passion Pit exemplary. From the wonderful intro to the spine-tingling chorus to the latest in a string of passionate vocal performance by Angelakos, “Love is Greed” is easily the most complete song he’s ever written.

1. Swans – A Piece of the Sky

Swans’ music doesn’t really translate well to singles. Each song is really part of a whole; when I buckle down and indulge in The Seer, I feel like I’m listening not to 11 tracks, but one two-hour piece. But it just made sense for one of the behemoth songs off of the album to be my song of the year, and while the title track was certainly something else, “A Piece of the Sky” was the penultimate example of what makes the record a must-listen work of art. It features an otherworldly voice collage that fades into a disconcerting guitar drone that tingles to the edge of insanity. Just when you’ve started to tune it out, it abruptly shifts gears into a plodding, down-tuned folk song that gives way to Michael Gira’s impassioned voice. It’s not the most shocking song, nor is it the prettiest one on the album.  But it’s the mixture of influences and the hypnotic effect it delivers that make it the song that affected me the most this year. I’m already looking forward to the next!

Writers from the Nowhere Plans staff (Jimmy Stewart, Chris Oliver, Jon Dimedio) rank the 32 NFL teams. The average of the three is the final tally.

Biggest jump: Carolina Panthers (up six spots)
Biggest drop: Chicago Bears, New York Giants (down four spots)

	Team	Breakdown	Take
1.	10-3-1 LW: 3	Jonnyd: 2 Jimmy: 1 Chris: 2	An obscenely entertaining game featured an outrageous comeback, furious coaches, eight fourth down attempts, a rabid crowd, over nine hundred yards of offense, 157 plays, flea flickers… – J.S.
2.	10-4 LW: 1	Jonnyd: 1 Jimmy: 2 Chris: 4	75 points, fake punts, muffed punts, missed chip shots, six turnovers, holding the best third down offense in living memory to 2/15 on third down, and the two best teams in the NFL.  More please. – J.S.
3.	12-2 LW: 2	Jonnyd: 4 Jimmy: 3 Chris: 1	The Texans bounced back after the debacle against New England last week, clinching their second straight AFC South title against the Colts.  The offense played pretty well and JJ Watt wrecked havoc on the Colts offense throughout. (C.O.)
4.	11-3 LW: 4	Jonnyd: 3 Jimmy: 4 Chris: 3	Dominated a down-trending Baltimore Ravens team. It’s easy for everyone to say that they saw it coming, but trust me there were plenty of skeptics before this past week. The Broncos will need some help to earn a bye in the playoffs, otherwise it looks like there is a chance that a Wild Card weekend matchup of the Broncos and the Colts could become a reality. -jonnyd
5.	12-2 LW: 6	Jonnyd: 5 Jimmy: 5 Chris: 5	A team desperate for a signature win finally got one. – J.S.
6.	10-4 LW: 5	Jonnyd: 7 Jimmy: 6 Chris: 6	The Pack wrapped up the division with a win in Soldier Field, sweeping the season series.  As I’ve said before, I’m not enamored with the lack of a running game, but the Packers continue to win.  And that is all that counts at this time of the year. (C.O.)
7.	9-5 LW: 8	Jonnyd: 6 Jimmy: 7 Chris: 7	I’m putting it out there; Seattle Seahawks – Title Contender. – J.S.
8.	8-6 LW: 13	Jonnyd: 8 Jimmy: 9 Chris: 8	RG-who? Kirk Cousins started off a little shaky, but ultimately hit a stride and led the Skins to victory. Their defense has been stellar in the second half of games during this winning streak and the Redskins have entered ‘win-and-in’ territory. Their next two games? At Philly and home against Dallas. -jonnyd
9.	8-6 LW: 14	Jonnyd: 10 Jimmy: 11 Chris: 10	The Cowboys, on the back of Tony Romo, earned a hard-fought win aginst the Steelers and currently find themselves in a three-way tie (win-loss record-wise, ignoring tie-breakers) for first place in the NFC East. They host the Saints and then head to the nation’s capital to face-off in what could effectively be a play-in playoff game. -jonnyd
10.	9-5 LW: 10	Jonnyd: 9 Jimmy: 14 Chris: 9	Not quite the showing that Luck hoped for as the Colts were looking for a win and a playoff birth against the Texans.  They’ll get another shot to clinch @ KC this weekend.  If they can’t get it done there, then it may come down to a showdown against the Texans the last week of the regular season. (C.O.)
11.	8-6 LW: 7	Jonnyd: 13 Jimmy: 8 Chris: 15	The Giants laid an egg in Atlanta in a game that they needed to win to maintain first place in the NFC East. Now they head to Baltimore in the Parachute Bowl to see which team will rip the cord first and stop free falling. -jonnyd
12.	7-7 LW: 9	Jonnyd: 11 Jimmy: 10 Chris: 16	Ben is back but the Steelers could never really string together successful drives and ultimately lost a winnable game in Dallas. Now they face-off against the Bengals to keep their playoff hopes alive. -jonnyd
13.	9-5 LW: 11	Jonnyd: 12 Jimmy: 12 Chris: 14	The Ravens continue to lose, and the firing of offensive coordinator Cam Cameron in favor of Jim Caldwell will likely go down as a major misstep. Was Cameron doing a good job? Not really, but changing up coordinators, and especially going to Caldwell, could end up sealing their fate as a one-and-done team in the playoffs. -jonnyd
14.	8-6 LW: 16	Jonnyd: 15 Jimmy: 13 Chris: 12	After seeing the Steelers lose to the Dallas Cowboys, the Bengals will look to replicate that outcome and further solidify their playoff odds. -jonnyd
15.	8-6 LW: 15	Jonnyd: 14 Jimmy: 16 Chris: 11	As of right now, the Vikings are holding on to the second wild card spot.  Their last two contests are at Houston, and home against Green Bay.  They’re going to need AP to continue playing at an MVP level in order to keep that coveted wild card spot. (C.O.)
16.	8-6 LW: 12	Jonnyd: 16 Jimmy: 15 Chris: 13	This team is on a serious nosedive.  They aren’t running the ball very well.  Seems that no one else on the offense can catch a pass besides Brandon Marshall.  And when they aren’t creating turnovers, their defense isn’t nearly as effective.  (C.O.)
17.	6-8 LW: 20	Jonnyd: 17 Jimmy: 17 Chris: 18	Classic New Orleans football – TD passes to four different receivers and four picks by what was once at least a ballhawking secondary.  There have been enough glimpses this year that with Payton back, New Orleans should be a force in 2013. – J.S.
18.	6-7-1 LW: 18	Jonnyd: 20 Jimmy: 22 Chris: 17	No team’s record astonishes me as much as St. Louis who not only are 6-7 but feature wins over Seattle, San Fran and Washington.  Way, way, WAY worse than their record makes it appear. – J.S.
19.	5-9 LW: 25	Jonnyd: 18 Jimmy: 18 Chris: 24	Meet 2012′s spoiler team.  No one should want to play Cam Newton in the final two weeks, as he adds to his second half demolition of the league with two more touchdowns and extending his interceptionless (?) streak to five weeks.  Unfortunately, they have no one to spoil, as they finish their season against the Saints and Raiders. – J.S.
20.	6-8 LW: 17	Jonnyd: 22 Jimmy: 19 Chris: 19	OK…maybe the wheels are falling off after all. – J.S.
21.	6-8 LW: 22	Jonnyd: 19 Jimmy: 21 Chris: 21	Miami put together probably it’s most productive offensive period of the season with consecutive drives of 89, 76, 60, 64 and 85 to dominate this game.  All it took was playing arguably the leagues worst team. – J.S.
22.	5-9 LW: 19	Jonnyd: 23 Jimmy: 20 Chris: 20	At the time of publishing, I forgot to include a blurb for the Chargers. Sorry I’m not sorry. -jonnyd
23.	5-9 LW: 23	Jonnyd: 21 Jimmy: 24 Chris: 25	Ultimately couldn’t squeeze a win from a half-time lead against the Redskins, who have all of the momentum in the world behind them. -jonnyd
24.	6-7 LW: 21	Jonnyd: 24 Jimmy: 26 Chris: 22	Mark Sanchez has completed less than half his passes in half his games this year and has an unbelievable one touchdown and seven interceptions in his last three games. – J.S.
25.	5-9 LW: 26	Jonnyd: 25 Jimmy: 28 Chris: 23	The 50-17 loss to the Seahawks joins losses of 24 to the Patriots, 42 to the Niners and 20 to the Jets in Week One, which actually looks worse in hindsight. – J.S.
26.	4-10 LW: 24	Jonnyd: 27 Jimmy: 24 Chris: 26	Think the Lions may have given up on the season?  After so many close losses, you concede 38 to the hapless Cardinals?  Yeah, I think so.  (C.O.)
27.	5-9 LW: 28	Jonnyd: 28 Jimmy: 25 Chris: 27	The Titans defense caught four passes from Mark Sanchez enroute to a 14-10 Monday Night victory.  More importantly, who in the NFL scheduling department really thought this contest should be played on a Monday Night?  (C.O.)
28.	4-10 LW: 27	Jonnyd: 26 Jimmy: 27 Chris: 29	The turnover machine was idling the past few weeks but is seemingly back in high gear. Does this team have it in them to play the spoiler against two division rivals, Washington and New York? -jonnyd
29.	5-9 LW: 31	Jonnyd: 29 Jimmy: 31 Chris: 28	With 38 points, the Arizona offense exploded to the tune of 12 first downs, 2/12 on third down and 196 yards. – J.S.
30.	4-10 LW: 30	Jonnyd: 31 Jimmy: 29 Chris: 30	The Oakland Janikowskis, ladies and gentlemen. -jonnyd
31.	2-12 LW: 29	Jonnyd: 30 Jimmy: 30 Chris: 31	Jacksonville played this week?  Funny, I hadn’t noticed. (C.O.)
32.	2-12 LW: 32	Jonnyd: 32 Jimmy: 32 Chris: 29	I don’t care how bad the quarterback class is in the upcoming draft, it’s clear that the Chiefs need to, at the very least, take a chance on one of the incoming prospects. -jonnyd

With that said, although it’s difficult to focus on much of anything after an event of this magnitude, sports can offer us a bit of an escape, albeit a brief and trivial one. My job here is to watch football and talk about it, so let’s do that.

Atlanta 34, N.Y. Giants 0: Well, this was a spanking. Considering the sheer amount of knob Eli Manning gets from the media when the Giants play well, I feel it’s only appropriate that his failures are documented as well, and this is one of them. He played like ass—there really isn’t a better way of putting it. To be fair, though, the Giants in general were pretty lousy; in contrast, Matt Ryan was nearly perfect and the Falcons rolled to an easy win. This was certainly a strong response to those people—like me—who thought last week’s surprising loss to Carolina has a harbinger of failure to come. We might still be headed that way, but the Falcons answered some critics today by winning a game against a playoff-seasoned club.

Minnesota 36, St. Louis 22: St. Louis closes with road games against Tampa Bay and Seattle, so it looks like the Rams will be led by “Six Winning Seasons” Fisher for at least another year, as winning out appears unlikely. As for the Vikings, we now have five teams in the NFC at 8-6, with three being in the NFC East. Finishing at Houston and home against Green Bay, Minnesota may have the toughest road to a Wild Card spot, but with Adrian Peterson running over and through everyone (212 yards Sunday), can a purple postseason be counted out? All Day has rushed for over 100 yards in his last eight games, with six of those exceeding 150 and twice beyond 200. He now sits just 293 yards shy of the single-season rushing record. If he gets there, odds are good that the Vikes will get to the playoffs, too.

Miami 24, Jacksonville 3: Nobody actually watched this game.

Washington 38, Cleveland 21: To their credit, the Browns led at halftime, which is about when they realized that a win would make it four straight AND make running the table to finish .500 a distinct possibility. That isn’t Browns football, though; good to see they made the adjustment at halftime.

Green Bay 21, Chicago 13: Free fall, noun: the 2012 Chicago Bears season. Having successfully snatched a Wild Card spot (at best) from the jaws of a likely division title, the Bears have now dropped three in a row and five of six while looking positively horrendous nearly every time out. Chicago managed just 190 yards offense while placing the NFC North crown atop Mike McCarthy’s cheesehead—and still, they have a better than average shot at making the playoffs thanks to a crowded NFC playoff picture and the fact that they close with Arizona and Detroit. On the other hand, the Bears couldn’t beat an egg at this point, let alone an NFL football team.

Denver 34, Baltimore 17: Perhaps the Ravens are Bears East? Having lost three straight, their division lead has shrunk to a single game with the Giants and Bengals left to play, the latter potentially being a de facto AFC North championship game. The Birds had the ball for only 21 minutes while the Broncos positively smothered them. Ignore the final score: Entering the fourth quarter, Baltimore trailed by four touchdowns. You have to believe the Colts, Broncos and Patriots are salivating over a chance to play the Ravens in the playoffs right now.

Houston 29, Indianapolis 17: A Texans loss would have brought the teams to a game apart with two to play. But Houston took care of the football and Arian Foster exploded for a huge game, giving the Texans the AFC South title. But fear not, Colts fans, because Indy should be able to wrap up a playoff berth next week after they pound the hapless Chiefs.

New Orleans 41, Tampa Bay 0: Once a team on the cusp of a playoff berth, the Bucs finished their collapse by getting blown out in the Superdome. Josh Freeman, who prior to Sunday had done well protecting the football, made up for lost time by throwing four balls to the wrong team and personally seeing to it that Tampa would play only 16 games this season. Drew Brees was on fire, though, finally having a solid game after being fairly lackluster of late.

Arizona 38, Detroit 10: You know the Lions have quit on the season when they let the bumbling Cardinals hand them an ass-kicking. Most impressively (beyond that Matthew Stafford threw not one but two pick-sixes), not a single Arizona offensive player did anything of note. Ryan Lindley threw for 104 yards. Beanie Wells ran for 67, 31 on a single play. Larry Fitzgerald had four catches. In fact, the Cardinals had only 196 yards of total offense, and still won by 28. Every one of Detroit’s four turnovers turned into a touchdown. Still, this game was merely jockeying for position on the Soon-To-Be-Unemployed-Coaches Power Rankings. Neither head coach will have a job in three weeks.

Carolina 31, San Diego 7: …You know the Chargers have quit on the season when they let the bumbling Panthers hand them an ass-kicking… and at home, to boot. The Chargers managed just 164 yards on offense while letting Carolina score the first 31 points of the game. Norv Turner rises to No. 2 on the STBUC Power Rankings, right behind Andy Reid but ahead of Ken Whisenhunt, Jim Schwartz and Rex Ryan. At what point does Turner start garnering consideration for worst coach of all-time? Are we there yet? An underrated storyline is Ron Rivera coaching his way out of an unemployment check by collecting wins in three of the last four games.

Oakland 15, Kansas City 0: The Nobody Cares Bowl was perhaps watched less than the Miami-Jacksonville game played three hours earlier. Darren McFadden ran the ball a lot. Kansas City didn’t run at all—they finished with 10 yards, total. In fact, K.C. gained 119 yards the entire day while Oakland piled up all of their points on field goals, rendering this the most pathetic display of football since Cardinals-Jets earlier this season.

Seattle 50, Buffalo 17: There seemed little doubt that Seattle was going to distribute a substantial whuppin’, but a five-score victory while dropping 50 always exceeds expectations. As with most demolitions, this one featured the losing quarterback providing most (or in this case, all) of the turnovers including a pick-six. If there’s any consolation for Bills’ fans, it’s that they didn’t have to actually watch this spanking unfold at Ralph Wilson Stadium—they played this one in Toronto, showing the city a level of embarrassing play not seen since the Maple Leafs last took the ice. Seattle has now scored 108 points in their last two games, a figure that implicitly asks the Patriots to suck it. The Seahawks can remove nearly all doubt about a playoff berth by getting one more win—should there be a tie at ten wins, Seattle has the tiebreaker over Chicago, Minnesota and Dallas; and with the other two 8-6 teams also in the NFC East and the Cowboys and Redskins facing off in the finale, that would give them the edge over four of five teams chasing for two playoff spots. You do the math. Feeling good, Seattle? You should be!

Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 24 (OT): I think it’s important that we acknowledge yet again that Tony Romo is a major part of the reason why the Cowboys are even in the playoff hunt, let alone in a three-way tie for the NFC East crown. The embattled quarterback is way better than every Eagles quarterback since Norm Van Brocklin was nearly flawless yet again, throwing for 341 yards on 30-for-42 passing. Still, his play was entirely overshadowed by the sensational interception by Brandon Carr in overtime. For Dallas, a home game against the two-faced Saints and the finale in Washington against RG3 await, with the latter potentially a play-in game. Pittsburgh now has work to do, as they stand on the outside looking in. Next week is an elimination game against Cincinnati at Heinz Field; if they get through that, a game at home against Cleveland is all that stands between the Stillers and the final Wild Card spot.

San Francisco 41, New England 34: Suddenly, Peyton Manning’s Broncos are in the first-round-bye driver’s seat. Tom Brady could have been sharper in this one, but he was instrumental in getting the Pats back into the game in the first place. I mean, this was 31-3, and the Pats were doing everything possible to lose the game. At one point they even tied it, but the 49ers retook the lead 12 seconds later and the rest was history.

Player of the Week: Adrian Peterson, Minnesota. What else can you say? The man ran over St. Louis while keeping Minnesota’s playoff hopes alive. That he’s doing this—and by “this”, I mean “producing jaw-dropping numbers every game”—while not even 100 percent as he recovers from knee surgery, is astonishing. I have said that perhaps the best thing about moving to Minnesota is getting to watch All Day every weekend, and while I must admit I was exaggerating a bit, it’s definitely not as much as you’d think. He’s an incredible player, and nobody dominates the game like he does.

Arizona Cardinals Bed Defecation of the Week: Tom Coughlin, New York Giants. Realistically, this could have gone to the Kansas City Chiefs, Norv Turner, Matthew Stafford or Josh Freeman—but, none of those teams had a puncher’s chance (or any chance) of making the postseason. The Giants, however, are embroiled in a packed NFC playoff race, meaning you’d at least like to see your losses not be in an embarrassing fashion. In other words: Every game could be an eliminator, at least bother to show up. They didn’t do that, and that’s on the coaching.

WEEKLY AWARD(S)

Greg Jennings “put the team on his back doe” Award (source NSFW) -

Adrian ‘All Day’ Peterson, Vikings RB. With 212 yards on 24 carries, and an 82-yard touchdown run that gave the Vikings a lead that they would never relinquish, AD has led his team to its second straight victory in which his team’s QB has not thrown a touchdown pass. Peterson, whose rushing total after Sunday’s game is 1812 yards, is now 294 yards shy of Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record of 2105 yards. He will have to average 146 yards over the final two games of the season against the Houston Texans and Green Bay Packers, the fifth and fourteenth ranked rush defenses in the league (based on total yardage), respectively. It won’t be easy but it’s not impossible to think that he could do it either and further solidify his 2012-13 MVP campaign. Oh and on top of all that, the Vikings are currently the sixth seed in the NFC Playoff picture and will see the postseason if they continue to win games on the back of Peterson’s efforts.

Roomba “You Suck” Award

The New York Giants, Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs. None of you scored any points this Sunday. Even the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars scored three points. The NFL rulebook basically gives offenses a running headstart and you still scored zero points. Not only did you not score any points, but the defenses you faced are all in the bottom twenty of the league in total defense (by yardage), Atlanta being 20th, Oakland 25th and New Orleans 32nd. NOT EXACTLY THE ’86 BEARS, PEOPLE.

Week 15 Butthurt Power Rankings

1. Bills head coach Chan Gailey was not a fan of the fake punt called when the Seahawks were already up 30 points. Pete Carroll, when told about Gailey’s butthurt said, “Sorry I’m not sorry.” (j/k he apologized)

2. Male fans tuning in who aren’t very comfortable with their sexuality.

If this is you:

Then I’m sorry.

Here, cleanse your mind’s palate with this:

(Is it me or do the Cowboys’ unis have the weakest waistlines in the league? I feel like they have to lead the league in cracks shown per game)

Oh and as promised, here is your eye candy:

3. Tom Brady when he was about to run a quick snapped play to exploit an advantageous scenario, only for San Francisco to call a timeout and have his plans foiled.

4. “ED REED HOW MY ASS TASTE?” – Knowshon Moreno

5. Not really butthurt, but apparently Danny Amendola thinks all sideline people look alike:

Clearly not the same guy. Sure he could have been saying “pass it on” but I doubt it. Nice gesture I guess, but the initial spike was definitely a borderline dick move.

6. This guy when he finds out he was on live television while mining.

7. Brady Quinn REALLY wanted the center to snap the ball.

Trollololol QB Power Rankings

1. Colin Kaepernick – 14/25, 216 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT – His numbers may not be the most impressive of the bunch, but given the stage (Sunday Night Football) and the opponent (the New England Patriots), I’d say his performance was the most impressive of week 15.

2. Russell Wilson – 14/23, 205 yards, 1 pass TD, 92 rushing yards, 3 rush TDs

3. Matty Ice – 23/28, 270 yards, 3 TDs

4. Drew Brees – 26/39, 307 yards, 4 TDs

5. Aaron Rodgers – 23/36, 291 yards, 3 TDs

…

28. Phil Rivers – 16/23, 121 yds, 1 TD, 1 FUM

29. ELIte – 13/25, 161 yds, 0 TD, 2 INT – Eli put up a zero burger in a loss that now leaves his team in a three-way tie for first place in the NFC East. The Giants were comfortably in the driver’s seat not more than a few weeks ago, but the wheels have fallen off the wagon for this team and it looks like we could be in for yet another late season collapse from this team.

30.  Matthew Stafford – 24/50, 246 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT – Three interceptions, two of which were pick-sixes.

31. Joe Flacco – 20/40, 254 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 1 FUM – Flacco threw a pick six in the red zone and lost a fumble. It really got to him.

32. Josh Freeman – 26/47, 279 yards, 0 TD, 4 INT, 1 FUM – Josh faced arguably (and statistically) the worst defense in the NFL. And put up a big omelet maker on the scoreboard. The once-soaring Bucs are now in freefall and, while not mathematically eliminated, are this-is-real-life-you-blew-it eliminated from the playoffs.

Should You Watch Monday Night Football This Week?

It’s the New York Jets (6-7) visiting the Tennessee Titans (4-9). Honestly, if you don’t have any money riding on the game (the Titans are currently a one point favorite), you can safely pass on watching this game. I think the Jets will win. It’s crazy to think that the Jets, considering that their of their memorable moments this season have been flashes of incompetence, are still not mathematically eliminated from the AFC playoffs.

Want more NFL stuff to read from this week?

Sean’s recap will be up later today.

J.S. NFL Tour is on its bye week.