Nurse Mommy Laughs...

Guest Post by The Dose of Reality: For the Love Of God… Use the Backdoor

nurse mommy — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:16:51 +0000

Routinely guest bloggers are not on Nurse Mommy Laughs because:

1) I enjoy writing and find releasing on a regular basis my comedy and/or rantings are cathartic and healing for me, and

2) there is a strong chance I could lose my following and really I can’t afford that type of loss!

However, when I joined forces with the 30+ bloggers who co-created “I Just Want to Pee Alone,” I befriended an amazing group of women who have not only been a writers support group for me, but a great cocktail party on Sunday nights on Twitter #spikedpunch. If you need a break on Sunday evenings at 8:00pm and are free to join the party, please drop by. You can join or just watch at first. It is fast paced, but some of the funniest writers are bantering about parenthood for an hour.

Also, through my book camaraderie I have found there are some bloggers who cause you to lay awake at night and swear at the blogging entities above, Mr. GoDaddy, and wish you had a blogger wife.

What is a blogger wife you ask?

[Wackapidia definition:The other blogger out there who completes you.] The blogger who you can talk to every day and perhaps if you are lucky enough, even share a blog and lattes and carpool lanes…you know, the perfect life.

This is where my jealousy and deep love of The Dose of Reality came to fruition. These two gals drop their kids off at school, and then get together to write and plan their blog. And they both are so fabulous they both still think the other one is great at the end of the day! Truly.

I give you…The Dose Girls!

Previously posted on September 26, 2012 on The Dose of Reality

Nothing gives us greater joy than when we read something that we can both relate to on every single level! After reading the latest post from Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, we found ourselves not only doubled over in laughter but having the following conversation while on the phone in the EXACT.SAME.CARPOOL.LINE. Don’t judge us because we often sit two cars apart talking to each other. We always hang up before the line starts moving because we are nothing if not strict rule followers!

Ashley: Oh my Gosh, that article was so funny. Did I tell you that I almost killed myself in MY shower today because the kids always want to use my bathroom? First, I first impaled my foot on a naked Barbie leg and then practically slipped on a sampling of foam alphabet letters that were greased with Abby’s shampoo. It is hard to shower when you are trying to side step buckets and the entire collection of The Little Mermaid figurines. I know you can relate to that!

Lisa: Ummm, no. You know good and well I cannot relate to that. I know it must be really hard with your pool like jacuzzi bathtub and separate multi-head shower experience because everyone wants to be in your bathroom. NOBODY wants to be in my bathroom, including me. Our “master suite” bathroom is the size and shape of a refrigerator box complete with the ever popular 1970′s shower/tub combo! Thanks 2008 economy for delaying the bathroom remodel of my dreams until….never.

Ashley: Okay, okay, I get it. My bathroom is one of the only decent places in my house, or at least it used to be when my decorative baskets held scented bath gel and candles, NOT Disney Princess bubbles and Little People toys.

Lisa: I dream of having the space for something called decorative baskets. I don’t care what they are filled with. I am lucky to fit a small trash can next to the toilet. But it is a space to call my own, even if it is because it holds only one person at a time.

Ashley: Well, maybe you can cry about it in your giant kitchen with your 27 foot long island with the restaurant grade lighting and double refrigerators. Don’t you even have multiple sinks, too! Oh, and I forgot your built-in desk, too!

Lisa: The little sink is just a prep sink, so that hardly counts! And I would love my island more if it served any other purpose than a backpack receptacle and free form file cabinet for all school forms, papers, and art projects. And you know I can’t actually work at my desk because it looks like the before picture on an episode of Hoarders!

Ashley: Oh yeah, I have all that clutter, too, without all your extra annoying counter space. But I know you secretly covet my 2001 blueberry wallpaper. Honestly, what was I thinking? I don’t even like to eat blueberries much less look at them covering my entire kitchen wall surface. Like with your bathroom, my kitchen upgrade has been pushed back to the year…20never.

Lisa: Mmmmm, blueberries, your kitchen always makes me hungry. Do you have any snacks in your car?

Ashley: I have some day old Goldfish and a petrified french fry or two.

Lisa: I’ll take the Goldfish, but you’ll have to walk them over here, because I am not wearing shoes, and my shirt has a hole in it.

Ashley: Sorry, no can do. I’m not wearing actual street clothes, and I haven’t had a shower today.

Lisa: Oh well, I’ll just wait until I get home. By the way, did you ever find the dance video form I left at your house last week?

Ashley: Of course not, because it is buried under a pile of bills and school papers on my dining room table. And by dining room table, I mean my desk.

Lisa: I hear you. My dining room table still has the dregs of our school supplies, and I think maybe a leftover box from the car raffle. This is why neither one of us ever host dinner parties, isn’t it? Well, that and the fact that every other piece of furniture in both of our houses has been chewed, peed on, or otherwise “improved” by our kids.

Ashley: Dinner parties?! We can’t even let people come in our front doors! Both of our dining rooms are the first places you see in our actual entry halls. Everyone thinks we are being nice and casual by having them come in the back door, but really we are just attempting to hide the dining room. Okay, now I am just depressed. Is there hope for us at all? Do you think we will ever have nice things or uncluttered houses again?

Lisa: Well…no. But that’s okay because if we had nice things that were always neat and organized we would have to spend all of our free time making sure they didn’t get ruined. This would really take a chunk out of our time browsing on Facebook finding funny somecards.

Ashley: Good point. We don’t need the pressure of nice things anyway!

Point proven! We couldn’t deny you this, could we?

xoxox
Thanks gals so much for taking the time to share one of your posts with the Nurse Mommy peeps. You are fantastic and I hope everyone hops over to take a look at their site and “likes” them on Facebook. They are the real deal!

Click here to go to The Dose of Reality blog.

Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot: a book review

nurse mommy — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 15:24:51 +0000

When I was approached to read Carolyn Coppola’s first book, the first thing I asked her “people” was, “Is that also the name of her blog? Because the title is brilliant!”

I got the response of, “Uh…No. Who are YOU again?” This tends to happen to me a lot when I speak, text or email.

Apparently, Ms. Coppola doesn’t have a blog, which I didn’t even know there were such people out there; but it’s true, so she actually has adequate time to focus on being a mom and a published author. What a novel idea. This “book writing” thing must be a new thing.

People I am here to tell you her book Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot; which she wrote after having children – and I’m assuming were living in her house and distracting her and all – hopefully, is the first of many to come because this mothah can pen a funny story.

Not only does she seem to be a magnet for hilarious people (friends and critics), but she is has mastered the craft of silly mom antics as well. One of my favorite things about her writing is how she shares her relationships with her friends. From her best friend Chrissie who makes Lucy and Ethel look boring, to her trendy and neat-freak “gay friend Dave,” who hasn’t a clue what it takes to raise kids; these stories will make you shriek out at the absurdity of her life with them in it.

Another reason why I found myself drawn to her book is it’s so relatable to all women:

My favorite quote is “I’ve often found myself thinking about how useful a catheter and an IV drip of coffee would be.” I thought this gal must be a nurse! But no she just knows what it takes to get through the day with a gaggle of kids and no time for herself.

Carolyn has a refreshing writing style which is… she writes like a story teller. So many writers today have not either been taught this or just choose not to use this critical style. She has a beginning, middle and end, and she heightens the drama through each chapter so you NEED to know what happens.

She also does not throw around profanity for gratuitous reasons. Yes, there are a few words here and there but you don’t hardly notice them because they are appropriate for the story and not just put there to get a rise out of the reader. I personally enjoy this style and know many other moms will too.

Nurse Mommy gives Minivans, Meltdowns and Merlot 4 suckers and 2 stickers for this great book!!!

It would be a fabulous summer read for any mom.

You can order yours here:

Minivans, Meltdowns and Merlot at Amazon

Remind Me Why we Teach Children to Read?

nurse mommy — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:00:52 +0000

Normally, I would not recommend praising your children for “tattling” on each other. But you don’t have MY kids.

Munchkin #1 has a built in safety monitor feature and Munchkin #2, the yin to her sister’s yang, likes to test all boundaries – especially if she feels she will get a laugh out of her actions. Blasted gene pool.

Therefore, when I’m not watching M2 every second of the day – because she is six and shouldn’t need 24hr one-on-one monitoring – I often praise the stars above M1 is an appropriate nark.

Yesterday, I stepped out of the family room while the girls were having “quiet time.” For most families you would think quiet time would be a good thing, resembling perhaps a Norman Rockwell painting or kitties frolicking in a dewy meadow. Birds quietly singing while the children read books from a sunny window seat.

My house… not so much.

Munchkin #2 decided to play some educational reading games on the iPad. Reading! Yes, reading. I was excited and that counts for quietness, right?! She is getting to be such a fabulous reader and the fact she wanted to read during quiet time was such a newfound blessing.

Fifteen minutes into the blissful silence, which I must say is rare…and I mean RARE because these girls talk and sometimes scream in their sleep; I hear from the other room:

“How do you spell ‘mean?’” asks the youngest.

“Like being mean to somebody?” asks Munchkin #1.

“No, like I mean it,” replies M2.

The oldest feeling quite proud of her spelling skills, spells the word correctly for her younger sister and then it goes back to silence. They are helping each other out and I couldn’t be prouder of my children than at that moment. What a magnificent summer we were going to have.

Five minutes later:

My oldest runs into my room with a panicked look on her face. It’s obviously not going be good and is going to erase my proud mama high.

“(M2) is emailing someone on the iPad and they just wrote back to her!” she reported.

I can only hope I didn’t curse like a sailor, but I can’t be certain. When you almost step on a snake in the woods, words just come out of your mouth and you have no control over what they are. This was one of those emergent moments.
Flying through the air like Michael Jordan used to do before he got old and started advertising his undies, I grabbed the iPad from M2 who was smirking and not making eye contact – a sign she was quite proud of her actions.

Me: Who were you emailing?

M2: I don’t know.

Me: (yanking the iPad from her hands) Give me that…Schnookems (for Farfanuggen sakes!)

I began to scan the screen. The phone number at the top showed me it was a text to a business associate of mine. Yes. She could have chosen one of my crazy friends or relatives to start her “drunk-esque” texting but a person with whom I do business? Nice!

Here my child’s first anonymous text:

Let’s just say, if your children need to contact my child for any reason, she is unable to comment. M2’s texting privileges have been revoked until…WE GET HER A PHONE IN COLLEGE!

Have your kids done anything like this? What have they done to embarrass you? Any calls that cost you big time? I’d love to hear about your kids so I can bask in your pain too. Share the pain…please!!!

11 Ways to Help a Family Cope with Child Loss (by Kissing the Frog)

nurse mommy — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 12:00:35 +0000

If you know of a family who has had a child die in their family, and you are wanting to help, but don’t want to step on toes, or say the wrong thing; this is the perfect guide to assist you with your grieving friends or family members. Unfortunately, there are many families who are experiencing this gripping nightmare and this article is not to help them get through their pain and suffering, but for the loved ones who are confused and want to support and assist.

Kathy Glow at the award winning blog, Kissing the Frog has been that grieving mom since 2010; and bravely knows first hand what helped her, her family and others grieving parents who have reached out to her through her blog.

I only help this will answer some questions for those of you in pain, and I want to thank Kathy for such a beautiful post. You are an amazing woman, mother and friend to strangers!
Stacey

11 Ways to Help a Family Cope with Child Loss
(permission to be printed) by Kathy Glow at Kissing the Frog

In April of 2009, our family received news that no family should ever have to hear: our five year old son had an inoperable brain tumor. The news devastated us as we battled for almost 14 months against the cancer beast that would eventually take our precious Joey from us.

Our saving grace all those months was support from our families and school and church communities. Inevitably, some people drifted away, possibly uncomfortable with the situation or unsure of what to say or how to help. But we gained new and lasting friendships from people who took initiative, were there for us, and always seemed to know the right things to say and do during our son’s illness and after his death.

Obviously, it’s difficult to know what’s appropriate, especially if you haven’t personally been in the situation. Below are some helpful ways you can support a family who is grieving the loss of a child.

• Show up. Don’t be afraid to visit the family at home. If you have food, flowers, or something else to bring, odds are, they would love to see you. Make your visit short – just long enough to put a smile on their faces.

• Volunteer to run errands. All the little things in life become so unimportant when your child is battling cancer. And these things have probably been neglected for a long time. See if the family has any dry cleaning that needs to be picked up, or a pet that hasn’t been groomed in a while. Maybe their yard work has been ignored. If it’s something small that still needs to be done, offer to do it.

• Take their other children to the park or out for ice cream. Siblings of a sick child have often had to stand in the shadows for a long time. It is a confusing time for them. Paying a little extra attention to them and giving the parents a breather or time to talk alone can be a godsend.

• Send cards and e-mails. On some of our darkest days after Joey’s death, we would get a card in the mail at just the right time to give us something to smile about. Remember the “crapiversary” (this is what I call the day of Joey’s death rather than an anniversary) of the child’s death and send the parents a card. It will mean so much to them that you haven’t forgotten. Be okay with not getting a response.

• Tell them you are glad to see them. Everyone always asks a grieving person how they are doing. The answer is pretty obvious. Instead, when you see them at church or in the neighborhood, give them a hug and tell them how great it is to see them.

• Give them permission to talk. Or not. Everyone grieves differently. I love to talk about Joey, and my friends are so good about listening. Some people don’t want to talk, and that’s okay. Maybe you are the one person they feel they don’t have to talk to about their grief. Maybe they just need you to make them laugh instead.

• Share your own memories of the lost child. I love when people who knew Joey tell me stories about him and how he touched their lives. It gives me a good feeling to know that a family is still thinking about Joey and our family.

• Talk to your own children about death. Before Joey got sick, I would never say the “D” word to my children. I’m not sure why I was avoiding it. Death is a natural part of life. Explain it in very simple terms, “Her body stopped working, and she died.” Avoid all the euphemisms for death like ‘passed away,’ ‘went to sleep,’ and ‘was taken from us.’ These only confuse and scare children. Some great children’s books on the subject are The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages by Leo Buscaglia, When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death, by Laurie Krasny Brown, and When a Pet Dies, by Fred (Mr.) Rogers.

• Donate to children’s cancer charities and wish granting organizations. St. Baldrick’s Foundation and Alex’s Lemonade Stand are two organizations that are doing amazing work in the areas of children’s cancer research. We still get notices in the mail that people are donating to Make-A-Wish and Give Kids the World in honor of Joey. It warms our hearts that people haven’t forgotten how impactful these organizations are.

• Participate in walks and races for a cure. The Cure Search Walk and the Race Against the Odds are two benefiting pediatric cancer research. The family of the departed child might want to participate, too, and would appreciate your support.

• Contact law makers. Let them know that it is not okay that there has only been one new pediatric cancer drug created in the last 20 years. Let them know dialog needs to continue on this important and heartbreaking issue.

A family who has lost a child never gets over it. They will be working through and living with their grief for the rest of their lives. Birthdays, holidays, family vacations, and siblings’ milestones all cause their wounds to reopen. Finding small ways to show the family that you are still thinking of them and supporting them through their journey can make all the difference in their healing.

Our 2012 family photo remembers Joey.

You can find Kathy and her other writings at Kissing the Frog. Check her out and tell her I sent you!

Do you have any ideas that have been well received? Any stories to share that might help others? Would love to hear from you.

That’s Not a Drinking Fountain, Francois

nurse mommy — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:09:29 +0000

During college I traveled to Europe with a jazz singing group for two glorious weeks. We first camped in a memorable hotel in Paris, France, where the rooms were dark and discolored, and I’m not certain if the wooden floors or the beds were softer.

The bathroom however was fancy – yet mystifying to a young Kansas girl who had never journeyed overseas. My curling iron didn’t fit into the wall socket, the shower was a footed bathtub with a handheld hose which drizzled droplets of water upon my head, and perplexing of all there were two toilets.

I remember naively thinking, “Do couples actually sit down and talk to each other when their “coffee kicks in?” That seemed foreign to me and I couldn’t picture anyone in my family doing that.

Little did I know I was witnessing my first bidet. One of my bunk mates turned on the bidet’s water spigot and a blast of water arched up from the bowl, nearly missing her face. Giggling like the creative nineteen year-olds we were, we surmised this device wasn’t for young children or thirsty dogs, and decided to keep our distance.

History reveals the bidet goes all the way back to the 1700s when perhaps Mr. Charmin had not landed his big commercial role of squeezing his product in grocery stores. Originally, the bidet was a free standing porcelain bowl which was used after the “eliminator” had completed his “bidness,” from which one can only assume the derivation of the name came.

Back in the golden days, only the rich and famous would have owned an indoor double seater. The traditional toilet was used for voiding purposes and then there was the cleansing bidet, which originally was to be straddled while facing forward.

When I recently discovered a friend of mine had an honest to goodness bidet installed in her master bathroom, after her toilet seat needed replacement; I have to admit I became obsessed! I had seen that French bidet many moons ago; but alas I was too young and afraid to shiny my heinie, so the bidet opportunity had been lost.

In fact, my neighbor’s bidet was so popular at various cocktail parties; I suggested they should have had a photo of it on their iPhone. You just mention a bidet at your next party and see how much of a crowd you draw. Talk about an audience on the edge of their seats!

So after literally dropping off my kids at school, I called up my friend and asked if I could try out her “hot seat.” And lo and behold, it HAS a heated seat! This model had all the buttons and whistles. I had to read two manuals, get a 7 minute demonstration, and take notes. Bidets have come a long way!

I planned the deluxe version for my go round. I pre-programmed the handheld remote for a 2-minute cleanse, alternating with the oscillating wash. I found the “pulse wash” to be a bit too methodical and forceful for a novice. Taking the advice of my derriere hostess, I avoided the “enema” setting all together. She compared it to a “water skiing accident” and that was definitely not up my alley!

Then when I thought I had completed the normal sequence, included with a warm seat and tepid rinse; an air cycle turned me back to that embarrassed nineteen year-old girl in France, giggling while this contraption was blowing me adieu on a medium air setting.

Even though I finally got to enjoy living like the French do for five minutes, I must say the next time I get a hankering for Paris; I’ll turn the other cheek and order a bottle of Pinot Noir.

**********

An edited version of this column was featured in the June 1, 2013 issue of The Kansas City Star – in the 913 & The Olathe News Section. Apparently, the thought of so many “potty words” early Saturday morning can’t be stomached. Totally understandable. But as always…we have NO respectability here at Nurse Mommy Laughs!

“WHERE CAN I GET ONE OF THESE BIDET SEATS FOR MY HUSBAND FOR FATHER’S DAY?” you scream at the computer screen. I thought you might want to know. You don’t have to spend thousands of dollahs on one of these fancy golf ball washers. Hollah!

My friend only replaced the seat on her already working toilet bowl. And if you have an electrical outlet nearby or a fancy big orange electrical cord, you can get your hubby’s heiney shiny every day.

Plus, you will always know where he is; for he won’t wander his seat far from the bidet and the ever gentle blowing of the Clean Sense’s wash and dry cycle. Feels like Spring all year round on your buttocks!

Happy Father’s Day?

No. Happy Mother’s Day!