The definition of discernment often leans toward the religious, but outside of that, Merriam-Webster defines discernment as “the quality of being able to comprehend what is obscure.” Obscure is further defined as “dark, dim, shrouded or hidden by darkness; not clearly seen or distinguished.” 

I’d say that pretty much describes how many of us feel about our inner motivations! Because our motivations are often layered by many cultural and social factors, it’s really hard to find our true feelings behind our discernment. As a result, we get heavily bogged down in internal arguments, or we find ourselves in situations we really don’t want to be in, but we’re there out of a sense of obligation (or politeness, or lack of boundaries or whatever).

There’s a wonderful book I’ve been leaning into lately called The Assertiveness Guide for Women by Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD. I’m referencing it here because I strongly believe that the rationale for ‘assertiveness’ also translates beautifully to ‘discernment’. De Azevedo Hanks talks about the Five Skills of Assertiveness, and I love the idea of applying these to how we use discernment as well.

The first is Self-Reflection: the goal here is clarity about your development, relationship patterns, how your past might still be affecting you as you make choices in the present.

Next is Self-Awareness. How aware are you of your thoughts, feelings, needs, and confidence about why you do what you do?

Then comes Self-Soothing, which centers around your ability to manage whatever intense emotions might arise. Do you become overwhelmed? Detach? Create stories that might not actually be accurate?

Number four is Self-Expression: how able are you to communicate clearly with others, especially when it comes to your needs?

Fifth and lastly is Self-Expansion. Are you open to other’s points of view? Can you hold space for those differences?

All of these factors influence how we discern what we want to say yes or no to, how far we’re willing to go with a choice we’ve made, and whether or not we feel good about the decisions and actions we’ve taken. 

We make decisions almost every minute of every day, and far too often, those decisions are based on external factors. Will that person be mad if I don’t do that? Will I lose my shot at the promotion? Will my relationship suffer? Will it cause a huge disruption if I say no? 

These are all factors outside of ourselves that we find ourselves trying to manage. We want to feel safe, and we’re socially conditioned not to rock the boat in order to maintain our sense of safety. The ironic thing is, if we instead look inside ourselves to find discernment, we actually tend to have much more stable external situations as well (relationships, work, parenting, politics, etc).

It’s a big change to suddenly start looking inwardly instead of externally for a sense of self and safety. For many people, it might be a full 180 degree turn. The Five Skills of Assertiveness are a great guide, but they really are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to grounding yourself in self awareness. It’s brave work, and there’s a lot more to it than a superficial glance! My hope is that this is only the start of the conversation for you. Any one of those Five Skills can be a deep dive, so I highly recommend digging in with appropriate support. With the right fit, coaching can be a wonderful option for supported exploration. 

If you’d like to chat more and see if coaching with me for discernment (or a wide variety of other life topics) might be helpful for you, I invite you to book a complimentary, 20 minute consultation.The consult is a great time to ask questions, learn about coaching, and see if working with me would feel right to you. I’d love to talk more, whether you find me through Nurture Life Coaching or at coachbekooy.com. Either way, I’m here to help you find a more authentic way forward through self-aware discernment. Let’s talk and bring you greater clarity in your way forward!

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Today I’d like to share some suggestions for next steps of active acceptance. These are the steps in which we turn inward to tend to ourselves and our own needs. What is being experienced personally in the midst of tumult? How can we tend to ourselves in a way that leaves us grounded and ready to act with understanding and intention?

Tara Brach has a wonderful system for this, which she calls RAIN. I find it to be a simple, accessible way to pause, look inward, and tend to ourselves in a way that is thorough and supportive. There are four steps, and they’re all in the name.

R stands for ‘recognize.’  It’s important to recognize the feelings of resistance (“it shouldn’t be this way!”) before trying to move forward. At that point we can say, “ok, I don’t want things to be the way they are. What’s behind that resistance?” It would then be very easy to rant away about how wrong things are and all the reasons we know them to be wrong, but that path takes us further outside of ourselves. When exploring our emotions, it’s important to dig deeper. Name the actual emotions you personally are feeling! Rage? Fear? Dismay? Yes to all of it. There it is.

A stand for ‘allow.’ If fear is the emotion you’ve named, let it be there. Allow it. Don’t push it away or search for a solution. You are not naming your emotion to dispel it, you are naming it to allow it and to tend to it. This is important: an emotion isn’t wrong. It is just an emotion, and it’s there with information for us. This is a hard part for many, but it’s critical in the next steps of active acceptance: don’t treat your emotions as problems. Allow them to be there!

I stands for ‘investigate.’ This is when you draw closer to the emotion you’ve identified. What is present with this emotion? Is it a physical sensation? Is there a story it’s trying to tell you? What information does this emotion bring that will let you understand yourself better? 

N stands for ‘nurture.’ This requires self compassion! What does the emotion need? How can you stay present with it in a caring way? Is there a mantra that helps? Something like “this matters to me,” or “I’m here with you.” If you don’t know what to say for yourself, this is a great time to think about what you might say to your child or best friend when they are upset. You don’t need to solve anything for them, you just need to be there for them. You wouldn’t make your friend feel alone in their pain, so how can you be there for your own pain?

This is a quick overview of the RAIN system, and you can find a helpful page about it here. You can also find guided meditations about it here or you can go deep with Tara’s book, Radical Compassion. 

And then? When you’ve followed those next steps of active acceptance, what happens then? Your final step is a very critical one: keep in mind that by doing this practice, you are in the process of rewiring your brain. This takes time, patience, dedication and compassion. In the meantime, the process of life continues, based on your personal experience and needs. You might need to do the practice many times before your next steps become clear. You might feel ready to step into further action, or you might be annoyed by the whole experience. The important thing is to keep going with your efforts, and I’m here to help you with that however I can. Let’s talk more about it! The best way to do this is to schedule a complimentary, 20 minute consultation to see if coaching with me is right for you. You can also find me at coachbekooy.com. 

My hopes for you are to help build a sense of inner security, understanding and confidence so that, whatever happens in the world, you can stand firm in your values, strength, and self-knowledge. It’s in you; let’s get to know it! 

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I’ll tell you right now that active acceptance is NOT passive. It is not about rolling over or giving a thumbs-up to something dangerous. It is not the same thing as shrugging and saying “oh well, I guess I better just accept this.” In the same way that forgiveness isn’t about approval, active acceptance is not about acquiescence. Active acceptance requires effort!

Active acceptance is a starting point. It’s a specific mental effort to not resist or deny what is happening around us. This 2014 study, published here from PubMed, defines acceptance (or equanimity) as “an even-minded mental state or dispositional tendency toward all experiences or objects, regardless of their origin or their affective valence (pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral).” If you’re interested in the Buddhist approach to equanimity, check out this article from Sharon Salzberg. 

My definition of active acceptance consists of a recognition of our emotional reaction to something and how that affects our dealing with it.

For example, say that someone you love is dying. How can there possibly be active acceptance of something so painful? This is a very valid question.

Here’s the thing: active acceptance isn’t about whether or not you want something to happen. If a loved one is dying, it’s absolutely natural to be in pain and to struggle with your emotions about it. It’s the struggle that active acceptance addresses. That’s where I’m suggesting that you put your attention!

Be it the imminent death of a loved one or government actions that alarm you, the upsetting event is already underway. If we, as participants in our own realities, resist that reality, it’s even more painful. Beyond that, it’s really, really hard to move forward in a grounded, measured way. 

And that’s the trick! How can we truly accept that reality is reality without collapsing into it? THAT is active acceptance. THAT is where we come into relationship with our emotions and reactions to 1) best understand ourselves and our challenges, and 2) decide in a realistic, sustainable way how we want to move forward and act in response to the reality that surrounds us.

Basically, if what we’re thinking boils down to “I do not want things to be this way,“ that’s a great time to pause and recognize that there is a lack of acceptance that is disrupting our ability to process. If what we’re actually fighting against is our unhappiness about an event, then it’s hard to effectively engage with the event.  This is the perfect time to pause, rephrase that unhappiness, and dig deeper to support ourselves. Here are some good starting places for rephrasing:

“What is happening right now scares me to death. I’m so afraid that _______________.”

“We are at a pivotal point in history. It makes me feel ____________.”

“I’m really struggling with what I’m afraid is going to happen. It’s showing up in my system as ____________”

All of these statements acknowledge the reality that surrounds us. This serves to bring attention back to ourselves and the truth of what we’re experiencing. We don’t have complete control over the world around us, but if we start by tending to our inner landscape, we can then better tend to being in service to those around us.

This is what I mean by active acceptance. It’s about stopping the fight with our own inner struggle, grounding ourselves in our inner experience, and then moving forward in a grounded, sustainable way. 

Now that’s brave action!

Don’t I make this sound easy? Like so many other practices, it sounds easy but takes a lot of time, self-compassion, and ideally, wise guidance. If you think it might be a help to you, I’m here. Please feel free to schedule a 20 minute, complementary consultation with me. It’s a great time to chat, share your needs, and see if you feel that we’d be a good fit in working together. You can also find me at coachbekooy.com. 

And please note! After three years of never increasing my coaching fees, I find myself in the unfortunate position of needing to do so. Starting in May, my fees will be increasing by $10 per session. This means that Foundations Sessions (60 minute) sessions will go from $115 to $125, regular coaching sessions (50 minute) will go from $95 to $105, and the 30-minute check-in sessions will go from $60 to $70. 

Now might be a great time to book some sessions! If you’re interested in beginning coaching with me, I’m offering a package of four appointments (One Foundation, three regular, 50 minute coaching sessions) at the current price (total price: $400). If you’re already a client, you can get four regular coaching sessions for $380. Let me know if this is interesting to you by emailing me at stephanie@coachbekooy.com. Let’s book some sessions at the current price and we can schedule them for a time that works for you. I’m looking forward to talking with you!

The post Active Acceptance appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

Why informed watchfulness? Because it’s really hard to know how to move forward when no one seems to know what’s going to specifically happen. I say “specifically” because we have a blueprint in Project 2025, but how will it play out in different states? In our individual lives? Will it be blocked or thwarted by the courts? Or not? What do you do when the path forward is shrouded in shadow?

I bring this up because I wish I could say this is a unique time in human history, but it isn’t. Queer and gender persecution has been around as long as patriarchy, with the main variations being how organized, sanctioned and aggressively the persecution presents itself. We are, undeniably, in a time of organized, sanctioned, and aggressive persecution. We will be told that the target of this LGBTQIA+ persecution is only gender expansive folks, but I invite you to be aware of the thinness of that argument. We are all vulnerable in some way, and many folks are vulnerable in a lot of ways (where Intersectionality is a play). This is a powerful time to come together in community and solidarity, not only to stand tall for the people near you, but for your own empowerment as well. Unfortunately, part of the current political strategy is to flood the public with confusion and fear, which is an effective way to seed panic and separation. I believe, more than any other time in my life, that now is the time to come together.

So what does this have to do with informed watchfulness? We can stay informed and watchful on our own, and if that’s what feels best for you, that’s great. For me, what I have found (even as an introvert) is that both the “informed” and “watchfulness” aspects of informed watchfulness are more effective and less painful when I engage with community.

Staying informed is much easier when you’re in touch with smart, connected people who work in the social justice field.  They are really paying attention, and in my experience, they do not trade in gossip and random speculation. The trick is to surround yourself, whenever you can, with people who do not speak from a place of fear or hyperbole. This is the difference between grounded conversation and online ranting. When you listen to anyone, I invite you to ask a few important questions:

• What is this person’s expertise, and how can that be verified?
• Are they citing sources that can be checked?
• What is their personal investment in this conversation?
• Are they posing hypothetical scenarios (“what if…”) or are they referring to actual events and facts?
• Do I feel more informed after listening to this person or more emotionally agitated? Not that both feelings can’t be present at the same time, but make sure you’re agitated for actual reasons!

And as far as the “watchfulness” aspect goes, I find this to also benefit from engaging with community. Everyone is susceptible to falling into rabbit holes, and this is especially true for the solitary mind. With the vast universe of the internet at our fingertips, we all know how common it is for hours to disappear as we chase information to soothe (or confirm) our fears. The great thing about learning in a community is that it provides some topical guardrails. In conversation, you stay present with conversation. When we’re alone on the internet, we have to be in charge of our own guardrails. This is tricky for anyone!

To assist with informed watchfulness, here are a few sources that I find myself relying on heavily for LGBTQIA+ information these days. Yes, these are just websites, but my hope is that they offer an opportunity that leads to community building. For example, I list Basic Rights Oregon as a resource, and perhaps that will lead you to their events page, which will lead you to interactions with real, live people. For me, taking classes is a fantastic way to get to know people better, as are symposiums and support groups. See what looks interesting to you on any of these sights!

• The ACLU Blog of Rights
• Basic Rights Oregon
• Human Rights Campaign
• TransActive Gender Project (classes, support groups)
• Groups like the Queer Social Club have social events, but also “know your rights” events.

We can’t know exactly what’s going to happen in the future, and I know how scary that can feel right now. But we can make smart(er) choices when we’re paying attention in a way that is supportive, informed, and manageable. Even if reaching out to others can feel intimidating, it might provide the sanity we need in a shifting world. Informed watchfulness allows us to take things one step at a time, and doing it together can make it feel a whole lot better.

And I am here to help, however I can. Whether it’s navigating the current political terrain or the nuances of your own life, it’s always my goal to help you feel strong, grounded and proud of yourself as you move forward in the world. We all have strengths and challenges. I’m here to shine a light on your best you and help you achieve all that you can dream. Please don’t hesitate to book a complimentary, 20 minute consultation to see if coaching with me would be the right choice for you. And if you’re needing to support a gender-expansive person in your life, check me out at coachbekooy.com. Whatever your needs, we can find the best way forward.

Step by step, let’s move forward together!

The post Informed Watchfulness appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

I’m a life coach, it’s true. I help people face their challenges all the time. I wish I could say that that means that I never avoid responsibility and I constantly dive into daunting tasks without hesitation, but my friends, that would be a lie. I’ll come clean about what it looks like when I’m avoiding a task: I sit on the couch, open my phone, and do crossword puzzles. Lots and lots of crossword puzzles. It always sounds tempting, and I’d pretty much always rather be doing that than facing my responsibilities. Sometimes it’s a totally legit thing to do; I need to either gear up for or recover from something difficult, and it can be a great way to gather myself mentally. But what else is happening on a deeper level while I’m doing puzzles? This is what I haven’t been honest with myself about.

The other thing that happens while I’m procrastinating on the couch is that I suffer. There is a pit in my stomach that grows with each passing minute. I’m mad at myself for not facing my responsibilities, I’m resentful that I have those responsibilities in the first place. I spin stories about how things should be different, and I then come back around to guilt. It’s a painful process, and it only ends when my “couch suffering” feels more terrible than the idea of getting up and doing what I need to do. The result is an unhappy cycle that repeats itself far too often. Before I know it, it has become the story of me, my days, and how I handle life’s pressures.

Here’s the crux of what I have learned: avoidance presents itself as comfort, but that comfort is actually a thin veneer over pain. The deceit of avoidance is powerfully tempting as an escape, but it isn’t an escape at all. It’s a stewing in my own stories of unhappiness.

So when I sit down on the couch these days, I get real with myself. Am I actually enjoying myself? If so, what’s the percentage of happiness to discomfort? What am I actually wanting in those moments?

Here are the answers I’ve found to be true. Through and through, true on every level:

• What I’m actually wanting is to be free of the tasks I find distasteful.
• In my avoidance, I am 10% enjoying myself and 90% feeling lousy.
• There are two situations where I truly enjoy my relaxation time: 1) after all of the unpleasant tasks are completed, or 2) when I feel proud that I’ve done a good day’s work and have a plan to continue the unfinished tasks the next day.

That last bullet point is an important one for me. It addresses the first truth: that freedom from the tasks means real freedom, and there’s one way to be free of tasks that won’t go away on their own – complete them. Damn it, but it’s true. Being on the other side of the tasks feels like real freedom, even though there’s always another task waiting around the corner. 

But wait, I hear you say, how is there any freedom at all if there’s always another task? Yeah, I know. It’s fatiguing. But what I’m discovering feels like one more truth: the more I get done the more I feel capable of getting things done. The cyclic nature that the deceit of avoidance creates becomes weaker, less true, and less tempting. I truly don’t want to feel lousy, and the more I get done the less lousy it feels to get things done. And relaxing at the end of a good day’s work? Now that feels like a moment of true freedom.

We as humans “avoid” all the time, and between drugs, alcohol, the internet, media, shopping, sex, and a thousand other temptations, we are constantly steeping in a culture that is full of avoidance tactics. Whatever ways you might find yourself avoiding unpleasantness, I invite you to take a moment to dig more deeply. Is avoidance empowering you or burdening you? What is the deceit of avoidance telling you? Is it panning out? 

Here’s an interesting article on Psychological Avoidance that may offer more info.

And if this feels overwhelming, or like you need support, or if you’re concerned about what you may find when you dig more deeply, please do get in touch with me. Let’s talk about your experience, what’s true for you, and where you might be needing an ally. None of this work is easy, but it’s always easier with help. Please don’t hesitate to contact me for a complimentary, 20 minute consultation to see if coaching can help you. You can also find me at my other website, coachbekooy.com. 

May your 2025 be full of personal power, personal truth, and pride in the work that you do!

The post The Deceit of Avoidance appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

I’m not going to assume that I know how you voted, nor is it any of my business. I’m also not going to assume that everyone who reads this post voted the same way or is having the same reaction to the results. What I am going to assume is that we’re all humans with hopes and fears, and that there are many, varied answers to the question of “what now?”

Since the election, I’ve heard a lot of suggestions to connect with community, find support and moments of joy, or to mobilize into action. These ideas are great, and I support them in just about any situation. For me, frankly, it’s going to take me a minute to get to the point of action of any sort. I just need a minute to process my feelings and find my footing so that I know that my actions are coming from my highest integrity.

This, too, I support in just about any situation. 

Process your feelings and find your footing, then proceed from your place of highest integrity.

When asked, “what now?” we can’t know the answer until we know where we stand, and we can’t know where we stand until we know what we’re feeling and what we’re telling ourselves. Obviously, different emotional and mental situations direct us toward different actions. Some actions are supportive and helpful, some actions can be painful and destructive. 

So. I invite you to take a moment. Before you do anything else, send yourself some love and some intention for the well-being you deserve. Nope, I’m not being new-age or cheesy here, this is an ancient idea based on the notion that when we have internal well-being, we act from a place of greater wisdom. Buddhists call this practice Metta.

For a secular explanation of Metta, you can click to this article.

For a more Buddhist example, check out this guided meditation from Tara Brach.

Metta practice also includes sending well-wishing to others, even those who feel like enemies. There is good reason for this practice, but if you’re not ready to send well-wishes to everyone, that’s totally fine. Send it to yourself, and mean it. Start with yourself, just like the oxygen masks on an airplane. Then I recommend that you send it to people you love, whomever they may be. It’s powerful.

Take time for this, then do it again later. Do it often, as many times and for as long as needed. Do it a lot.

Then see if you can name your feelings. Or perhaps your tsunami of feelings. Keep breathing. Don’t argue with the feelings, just name them. Let them rise and fall and morph and change.

After that, see if you can make a choice: which feelings do you want to act from? What feelings do you want to put in charge of your actions? All the feelings will be there, either way, but if you can intentionally put the most beneficial one in the driver’s seat, there’s a better chance of acting from that place of highest integrity.

Do this often, as well. Any time you’re about to dive into action, check and see what feelings are driving it. My dearest hope for you is that this helps you feel proud of every action, empowered by your sense of worthiness, and like you are truly, truly, walking your talk. When the question is “what now?” make tending to yourself the first step.

And if it would be helpful to have support and guidance around this, please don’t hesitate to contact me. You’re very welcome to email me at stephanie@coachbekooy.com, or if you want to talk, schedule a complimentary 20 minute consultation. And if you are in the LGBTQIA+ community or have a trans or non-binary child, please head over to my other website, coachbekooy.com. I’m here to help.

May we all experience well being in our hearts. May we all know safety and love. May we all look after ourselves and each other with ease and joy. 

The post What Now? appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

Why do this? Because it’s difficult to navigate the world without feeling grounded in a secure sense of self, especially if we feel like we live outside what we’ve been taught as “normal.” It’s rare and special to take time to step out of our lives, slow down, and be listened to. Really listened to. 

This in-person group is intended to provide time and space to share our experiences (both similar and different), and find connection and support as we ground ourselves in our own authenticity, integrity, and dignity.

There is something intrinsically isolating about being the black sheep. By definition, it sets people apart from the herd. But in reality, a black sheep is NOT separate. To be “different” you have to be part of something, otherwise you have nothing to be compared to. So what does that mean for a black sheep? It means that we’re simultaneously held within, but off to the side. It usually means assumptions are made about us, our potential, and our place. This is a dynamic that can be blatant or invisible, and as black sheep we feel the effects, whether or not we’re consciously aware of them. 

Here’s a quote From Psychology Today that offers a bit of insight into the idea of being the black sheep:

“The [black sheep] is part of a family’s collective, unconscious psychological projection process in which they essentially defer and outsource the pain, tension, and anxiety felt within their dysfunctional system onto one person who then psychologically, and sometimes physically, “holds” the emotional energy of the family, manifesting it in symptoms and behaviors that the other members of the group can point to and say, “There’s the problem! It’s her, not us!”

But being a black sheep is not a victim role! We have a profound impact on the world around us and we have a spark inside of us that refuses to sit down and be quiet. We affect the world just by existing. We push the boundaries of the status quo by questioning it, and by creating space for ourselves, we create space for others. 

If you’re a black sheep, you know you’re a black sheep. You feel it in your own unique way. And you’re not alone. Join us in the sharing, the listening, and the togetherness as we dig deep to touch into our authentic power. Here are the details:

Who: Any women, female identified, or non-binary folk who feel like the black sheep in their family, in our patriarchal society, or in any space they inhabit. (ten participants max for each meeting, three participants minimum)

When: Starting January 7th, the first Tuesday evening of each month, 7:00-8:30 pm

Where: Live and in person in the Tabor Space Library Room

5441 SE Belmont St.

Portland, Or. 97215

Cost: $50 per person, per session, billed at the time of sign-up

How to sign up: Click this link to my Calendly scheduling page, then follow the prompts to sign up and progress through billing.

And, as always, if you have any questions about this group of one-on-one coaching, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Feel free to email me at stephanie@coachbekooy.com, or better yet, schedule a complimentary, 20 minute consultation to get a sense of what coaching is all about. And if you find yourself curious about supporting a trans or non-binary person in your life, check out my other website, coachbekooy.com. However you find your way to coaching, I’ll be happy to connect!

In the meantime, be well, my friends, and may we all find value in ourselves and each other.

The post The Black Sheep Society appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

In Theravada Buddhism, there is the idea of “not creating someone.” This applies to de Mello’s quote, for it calls for us to question all that we bring into an interaction. Any time we make an assumption about a person, an event or a plan, we are actually creating it in our minds. This means that there’s less room for the actual experience. It’s a heck of an exercise to catch ourselves in this, and a real experience when we can stop ourselves and be happily surprised by what we see afresh. When we set down our defensive response of assuming we refresh the perspective, which makes space for newness in the interaction.

You might notice that I said “defensive response.”  By this I mean that assumptions are usually used as a protective measure. If we have already decided that someone can’t be trusted they can’t pull one over on us, right? Yes, maybe, but what if our assumption was wrong? What do we make ourselves blind to in that situation? If we’re so sure that our coworkers secretly don’t like us; how does that color how we feel about going to work? How does it change how we interact with them? What changes when we refresh that perspective and set down our assumptions? Does that change how we relate to that experience?

Of course, there are times when we need to protect ourselves. This (in my mind) goes without saying. There are actions that destroy trust between people, there are bosses that treat employees with disrespect, and there are plenty of ways we need to keep ourselves safe in this world, both physically and emotionally. When you need to protect yourself, please do so and get the support you need to maintain your safety.

But in different situations, how can you set yourself free by refreshing the perspective? If you have to have a discussion with someone that is difficult for you, what happens if you decide to set aside the presumptions you have about them and have that conversation with a fresh mind? Bias comes in many forms, and we all have it. All of us. Where might yours be?

It might be more subtle than having bias against a race, religion, orientation, or identity. What if, as a parent, you have trouble seeing the evolution of your changing child? Just because they’ve done something for the last several years, are they still locked into that? Or are you assuming that they are? Can you see them anew? Can you be delighted by what they’re actually showing you?

What if, in your career, you no longer see the benefit in your work? What happens if you actively seek out new aspects of what you do and who you work with?

And what about your partner? Do you look at them and see the same old frustrations? What happens if you refresh the perspective and look at them with curiosity?

Ultimately, refreshing the perspective creates space. What newness comes in to fill that space? The whole point of “not creating” someone in our minds is that we don’t fill that space with our assumptions. There is space for them to surprise us, be it with a small act of kindness, more depth than we anticipated, or wisdom we didn’t want to acknowledge that they had. Even if we acknowledge this surprise begrudgingly, a door has opened, and on the other side of that door as a newer, fresher kind of love. If we can tap into that, then we have truly freed ourselves from the burden of assumption. 

Give it a try and see what you think! How does it feel? When is it helpful? Might you want to try it again? My hope for you is that you find a richness and appreciation that wasn’t there before. Really, that’s a win-win for everyone involved, and in this day and age, that is a precious thing.

Want to talk more about this? Do you have questions or thoughts? Let me know! My door is open for a complimentary coaching consultation, which can be booked through Nurture Life or through coachbekooy. I’m here to help you sort through your perspective, your challenges, and work towards real change.

May we all be well and happy as we truly are!

The post Refresh The Perspective appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

As children, we’re told to be patient over and over again. In the car, sharing with our friends, wanting to open a birthday present, or, yes,  just waiting to be older. What we were really being told is to wait without fussing. In our culture, “be patient” really means “sit quietly and don’t complain until this unpleasant situation passes.” 

We grow up with the understanding that patience is, essentially, enduring an unpleasantness until it ends. Then and only then do things feel better again. We have to wait patiently until things suit our desires better than they do now. We depend on a change of circumstances to ease our discomfort, and until that happens, we’re stuck with the discomfort.

And, of course, there ARE times when things are unpleasant. Sometimes really unpleasant. We as adults know that all too well, and we accept this knowledge logically. But do we accept it emotionally? This varies case by case, of course, but I feel curious about the emotions we experience as we try to be patient. Frustration! A lack of justice! Things shouldn’t be this way! I can’t take this anymore! Ugh! These unpleasant feelings might be totally accurate and justified, but do we have to suffer like this during times that require patience?

In some eastern practices, patience is viewed quite differently than simply “endurance of unpleasantness.” With a shift of attention, it’s possible to find ourselves empowered to change how we feel when circumstances aren’t to our liking. We are totally capable of cultivating this power in our lives, and it can be applied to almost any circumstance.

The first step in this process can be a difficult one: accept the current reality of your circumstances. If something is here, happening, true, and not changing anytime soon, then that is reality. If you are in a traffic jam, you are in a traffic jam. If your boss isn’t paying you as much as your coworker, your boss isn’t paying you as much as your coworker. If your partner is uncommunicative, your partner is uncommunicative. I’m not saying you have to like it or think it’s ok, but I am saying that acknowledging the reality of your situation is an important step that should not be skipped. If you skip it and simply revel in your anger, then you’ll probably find yourself stuck in your anger. Railing against reality doesn’t change the reality! Take a moment and say “here I am, stuck in this reality, and it’s really uncomfortable.”

The next step is to go toward that discomfort. This can feel hard too, and it takes practice. The external circumstances are a VERY attractive place to put our attention, due to the simple fact that they’re outside of us and much, much easier to focus on (or rail against). Softening our hearts toward our own discomfort can feel very new, and it can feel very vulnerable. But just as our hearts might soften toward a crying puppy, our own pain will benefit from attention and caring. 

If, in a moment that requires patience, you can pause for a bit and breathe, you have the capacity to tend to your feelings.

Pause, take some breaths, and turn your attention toward your physical body. Where is there tension? How is your heart rate? What’s happening with your breathing? Is your stomach in knots? Can you take a moment to unclench? To find the physical representation of your emotional state and give it a moment to get un-knotted?

Once you’ve tended to your physical experience, you’ll probably have more space around your emotional state. Keep breathing comfortably, and check it out. What are the feelings? What are the ideas that you might be clinging to? Can you name them? 

Frustration (breath). Fury (breath). Fear (breath). Caring (breath).

To find the fear, the sadness, essentially the caring behind the frustration and anger is to tap into the part that needs tending to. Without judgment (and this part is important – no judging, please!) can you investigate those feelings of caring? What’s there? What is tender? What needs your nurturing? Can you be with it, just like you’d be there for a friend in need? You don’t need to fix it or avenge it, you just need to not leave it all alone in its struggles. 

Like the external reality, this underlying emotions are here, they’re real, and they need acceptance.

And this, my friends, is the bulk of the formula for viewing patience in a different light and for easing some of the suffering we experience. It’s not about railing against our circumstances, and it’s not about sitting passively as those circumstances do their thing. If, in the moment, we cannot change our external situation, we still have the power to ease our internal situation. This is where our power lies!

“But wait,” I hear you say, “that doesn’t sound like it’s going to make me feel better either!” 

If this is the case, I invite you to try it anyway. If you really pursue this practice and it is utterly useless to you, then go ahead and leave it behind. But if it sounds interesting, give it a go and see what happens! With repeated and sincere effort, I feel curious about how this practice might change your relationship with patience and with your ability to feel safe in uncomfortable situations. Trust me, life gives us plenty of opportunities to test this out!

And, like any internal practice that takes time and practice, guided support can make all of the difference. To have a trained person see your efforts, reflect back your best intentions, and keep you on your path can be the critical factor in seeing real change in your life. I’m here for you in this capacity, and we can apply this practice to just about any challenge you face in your life. This is where my training lies, and where my heart lies. It’s my job to see your sincerity, your determination, and your hopes, and to work side by side with you to help you strengthen them all.

The best way to get the ball rolling on this is to schedule a complimentary, 20 minute consultation with me to see if coaching with me would be right for you. The consult is just a pleasant conversation in which you ask me questions, tell me what you want me to know, and generally see if you want to move forward in working together.

If you have a child or a special person in your life who is in the LGBTQIA+ community, and you want to better your support and relationship with them, I am 100% there for you in that, too. Check it out on my other website, coachbekooy.com. Together, we can strengthen your relationships in just about any area!

May all of your moments of patience also be moments of ease! Be well!

The post Patience! appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.

There are a lot of words we can use to describe uncertainty: uncomfortable, scary, destabilizing, temporary, or exciting (to name a few). But despite the fact that the times we live in are unprecedented, one thing we cannot say about uncertainty is that it is unprecedented. In fact, the reality that life is full of uncertainty is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism, and I don’t know anyone who would call Buddhism “new”. We live with uncertainty every day in our lives, on many levels, which means that we also live with the emotional turmoil that uncertainty can present. It can throw our safety and stability into question, it can make us feel like we don’t have the right answers, and it can lead us straight into negative self-talk or self-blame. These feelings make it really hard to stand tall in the face of uncertainty.

What’s going to happen at work? How will my kids turn out as adults? Was that email I just sent a terrible idea? Should I spring for a new car? And oh yeah, are civil rights about to be trampled under a new government?  Uncertainty can happen on a LOT of levels and it’s with us all the time. Happily, the way to stand tall in the face of uncertainty is more or less the same for big and small issues.

Heads up: I’m about to list some tools to ground yourself as you deal with uncertainty, but please, please note: these are only starting points that I hope are helpful. ALL of these points are easier said than done, so if you find yourself getting stuck on any of these in practice please do not despair or be hard on yourself. Also, not all of these suggestions work for everyone. Any personal growth is faster, easier, and more effective with personalized guidance. This guidance can be from any trusted source like a therapist, a spiritual teacher, and of course, a good coach. You know yourself best, so if you think you need support for any of these steps, please reach out and get it. You are absolutely worth it!

And now… a list of tools.

First off: name it! This can be as simple as saying “there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, and it’s hard to know how to navigate it all.” This sounds simple, I know, but it’s more powerful than it sounds. Acknowledging our external circumstances helps us to put our feelings into context, which makes it harder to be in a state of total self-blame.

Next: check in with your current safety levels. If you’re lying in a safe bed at night stressing about uncertainty, take some time to remember that you are safe in the moment. “I am lying in my bed, breathing. I feel the mattress supporting me, the weight of the blankets over me, and I trust that the sun will come up in the morning.” This is centering yourself in the here and now, which is very different from sending our thoughts into an unknown future. 

Third: remind yourself of times that you’ve overcome uncertainty in the past. “I’ve stressed out over every final exam I’ve ever taken, but I’ve gotten way better at studying and I’ve done pretty well overall.” Do you have strengths you can call upon? Do you have lived experience of overcoming adversity? It’s easy to underestimate ourselves when we’re scared or uncomfortable, but if you have lived experience of making it through tough times, this can be a helpful way to re-frame the magnitude of those emotions. 

Fourth: cultivate a sense of the “why” behind your decisions. If you’re worried about how you should handle an awkward situation in your life, check in with the why of your actions. “Well, I know that this employee has strengths in this area, and that person has a tough time communicating sometimes, so even if I don’t know the outcome, I trust the reasons I’m assigning these projects.” If you can find grounding in your knowledge and rationale, you can move forward knowing that you’re making the most informed decisions you can in the moment. Identify the tools you’re using and trust in the knowledge you’re applying the best you can. This can help move away from the magical thinking that you should be perfect all the time, no matter what the circumstance.

One more tool: get honest about the vastness of the uncertainty and what might need to happen to deal with it. There are many small, daily uncertainties that we deal with and there are big, overwhelming uncertainties. “How much traffic am I facing when I make that stressful drive,” can be answered by a new app on your phone. “How can I stop feeling so powerless in the face of our country being turned on its ear,” will need some more support (and possibly community action). “Why do I feel anxious all the time,” might need therapeutic or spiritual support. If we can get honest about the size of our discomfort, that can put things into perspective and can empower us to be realistic about what we need to do. This way uncertainty isn’t just lumped into one stressful category.

If you’d like to read further about uncertainty, there are lots of resources out there. For the folks that appreciate a Buddhist perspective, Comfortable With Uncertainty is a simple, friendly book that can help keep things in perspective. For those who are more NPR oriented, Life Kit has a nicely pragmatic article about dealing with uncertainty.  I hope these resources are helpful for you, and, like the list above, I recommend reading them with curiosity about how they might be useful, perspective about the results of those practices, and an awareness that guided help is often needed in lieu of lists and articles.

No matter what, I’m here to support you in these crazy times. It’s a challenge to feel certain about life, and getting more familiar with that challenge is a powerful step in our ability to stand tall in the face of uncertainty.

Want more support? Don’t hesitate to reach out! Feel free to email me with questions or thoughts at stephanie@coachbekooy.com, Or if you’re curious about coaching, schedule a complimentary, 20 minute consultation with me to have a conversation. And if you’re experiencing uncertainty about parenting or mentoring a queer or gender-expansive youth, please check me out at coachbekooy.com. There’s all kinds of uncertainty out there, and I’d be honored to work with you to help you stand tall throughout it all. Best wishes to all of you!

The post Stand Tall In The Face Of Uncertainty appeared first on Nurture Life Coaching.