Nut Mountain News

Residents Concerned About Green Leaves in Avis Wooding Park

2011-11-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

Nut Mountain residents are concerned the new trees Mayor McElroy purchased for the Avis Wooding Park last spring aren't adapting well to winter. Their leaves are still green and haven't shown the slightest signs of turning to fall colours even though every other tree in town has been bare of leaves for weeks.

"We're looking into," said McElroy. "I don't see what people are up in arms about. The birds seem to like it."

In fact migratory birds that normally fly south in late summer have been spotted in the park--all dead.

"We think the birds were confused by the green leaves and didn't leave before they froze on the branches and fell to the ground like feathered ice cubes," said local birder Eric Peagler. "Why the leaves haven't changed is beyond me, it's been freezing for the last month or so."

Town parks superintendent Lance Nolf thinks the trees Mayor Mack ordered may in fact be fake. "I saw a wood pecker last week lose his beak trying to get at the bark," he said. "I never seen anything like it but at least I don't have to clean up the leaves."

Nolf also noted the trees came prestrung with lights when they arrived in April.

Photo: Jeremy Vandel

Mayor Seeks Gaddafi Remains for Town Museum

2011-10-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Nut Mountain mayor Jim "Mack" McElroy is asking town residents with any connection to Libya to come forward so that the town can pursue negotiations for former dictator Moammar Gadhafi's remains. McElroy, under pressure from the business community to halt the town's rapidly declining population due to outmigration and a statistically high accident rate, sees an opportunity for the town to gain a niche tourist attraction.

"I'm not saying we build the bastard a museum," said McElroy, "but if we did, I think it'd be a good idea."

The mayor seeks to acquire the head of Gadhafi to encase in glass and display at the town square, at a special permanent exhibit, or in a special wing of the Pioneer Museum.

"If we can't get the head, or find that we can't afford the head, we'd look at something else like a hand or a foot," said the mayor. "I'm not sure what condition his buttocks are in but I think that would work too if it was done tastefully," he added.

Ted Chenail, curator of the Pioneer Museum, says not all body parts are appropriate. "We usually try to get a head, generally speaking. We have a long tradition of acquiring heads and have developed a reputation for it in the area." Most of the pioneers on display at the museum are in the form of heads, either sculpted or mummified.

Chenail does see a Gadhafi exhibit profiting the museum and local tourism. "Ever since the refrigeration system broke down and we lost Grey Owl's ears, traffic has been way down." Chenail predicts a Gadhafi head would be good for Nut Mountain and encourages residents to contact the mayor if they have any information.

If successful, the mayor foresees the Nut Mountain Gadhafi exhibit open May long weekend through Labor Day. The mayor also said that he'd like the museum staff to cut and groom the dictator's hair to something "more presentable" before putting his head on display. "We don't want to get disgusting here," he said.

FOR SALE: Spent Street Light Bulb, May Have Ties to the Spirit World

2011-10-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

call Al at 555-6918 or 555-6919 outside of bar hours. Best offer.

3rd Ave Street Light Operational Again

2011-10-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Mayor McElroy was present for a relighting ceremony of the 3rd Avenue street light which was dark since April 3rd and caused several residents in a nearby home to flee town.

"I know this street light not working has caused great hardship for some in this neighbourhood," said the mayor. "I believe those dark days are over, L-O-L." The mayor has recently become confused about using online language in public speeches.

Malinda Moberg, a cake decorator at an area funeral home, lives under the street light and is concerned for her neighbours who fled.

"They were terrified that something supernatural caused the outage and they packed up a few things and left one night," said Moberg. "I just pray that they're okay."

Mayor Mack told us he's been told the family is okay. "I've had word that they are out in the woods and doing okay. We had someone check on them last month," said McElroy.

Town engineer Darrin McIvor says the light in the fixture was sent away for testing. "The results came back that it had just expired," said McIvor. "They don't last forever."

Once the town got the test results back a new bulb was ordered from the supplier.

"We expect the bulb to work for years barring anything three-dimensional happening," said McIvor.

NOTICE: I've got three dozen firearms in my home but you have to prove yourself

2011-10-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

Come to 34 Elm and walk slowing up the walk and stop before the front step. If you don't stop at the front step you will be shot. If you run up to the front step you will be shot. If you growl you will be shot. If your eyes don't look right you will be shot. If you are carrying a decapitated head you will be shot.

We have lots of guns and ammo for the living. Get over here now.

Mayor: Sink Hole Not a Zombie Uprising, Woman Still Missing

2011-10-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

One woman is missing after a pot hole on Main Street turned into a sink hole and area residents are horrified by the possibility a zombie uprising once predicted by Mayor Jim McElroy may be underway. Eighty-three year-old Nut Mountain resident Harriett Herdman, who recently was released from hospital after waiting all night for a malfunctioning walk light, is missing and presumed dead, or in China.

"Obviously we're making phone calls to Beijing on this issue but we're not optimistic," said Chad Langhorst, Director of Infrastructure Incidents with the town. "Her shopping cart and purse are down there, along with two bottles of fungus ointment purchased earlier this afternoon at the drug store."

Mountaineers have been confined to their homes, many with shotguns at the ready, due to rumours spread on social media claiming the hole is the beginning of a zombie uprising. Mayor Mack, however, denied the rumours on his Twitter account, telling residents to be calm and that he's been told zombies are not responsible.

However, the mayor has not been available for comment since then. His truck is not at town hall, parked outside Hazel's Bar and Grill or at his home. A neighbour, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us McElroy packed up some survival gear, loaded his truck with gasoline containers and sped out of town late this afternoon.

Staff from The News witnessed shots being fired at town workers who were cordoning off the sink hole area late Friday. A standoff may still be underway between police and frightened residents who assume the police are zombies.

Area geologist Darell Neveux said sink holes are caused by chemical processes affecting rocks but could also be caused by water main breaks in towns and cities. However he would not categorically rule out a zombie uprising either.

"Until that little old lady is found, and found to be in good condition--ie not a zombie--then I'm not going to say it's impossible," said Neveux.

Stay with us for further coverage.

Photo: William Gunn

Town Bans Shovels in Public on Halloween

2011-10-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Some Nut Mountain residents are outraged the Mayor has decreed a ban on shovels this Halloween. The measure bans all shovels in public places after 5:00 pm October 31, 2011 until noon the next day, thwarting a long-standing tradition of body exhuming on All Hallows' Eve.

"We were all geared up for this year when McElroy peed on our parade," said Erik Mcclenton, owner of Mcclenton's Art Supplies and Aquariums. "He's taking away our right to dig up corpses. It's like living in communist France."

Mcclenton is part of a group that began exhuming graves on Halloween around Nut Mountain in the late 1990s. The annual activity now has dozens of enthusiastic participants of all ages and is considered a town tradition along side Easter Hub Cap Shooting Days and the Nut Mountain Christmas Vomiting Contest. Some argue it's bad for tourism while others claim it was a popular family outing.

"My daughter is only five and she loved coming out with us last year," said Marylou Baney, a forty-five year-old wedding planner. "She loves digging in the dirt with her hands and finding a bone or two." Baney adds that it's a very educational activity for youngsters.

"I had to re-bury my mother last year," said the mayor. "She ain't getting any prettier."

Mostly, the mayor says, the practice is expensive for the town who has to put the bodies back in the ground November 1st., and, he says, digging bodies is not considered sanitary. He points out that decomposing corpses carry "all sorts of bacteria and strange worms."

Mountaineers who have shovels confiscated on Halloween will not have them returned until gardening season in the spring.

Photo: U.S. Dept of Agriculture

Demolition Company Frightened of Chilson Murder House

2011-10-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

A long-despised dilapidated two-storey home at the end of Baumgartner Street can't find a company willing to demolish it due to a fear of its quirky but vengeful ghosts.

"We get complaints about that house almost every week," said Mayor McElroy. "Mostly from the living but we do get the odd ghost calling in complaining about noise in the area." Mayor "Mack" has a history of heavy drinking.

The house was slated for demolition two years ago and has been considered an eye sore since it was abandoned after the 1993 gruesome murder of its three residents. Max Muszynski, known as the "Toe Killer" (he amputated his victims' toes and used them in stews) was caught shortly after and subsequently hung for his involvement in numerous area killings. However, the demolition company contracted to take down the house backed out of the project after the owner lost a toe preparing the house for demo.

Residents in that part of town are convinced the home is haunted. "Every now and again you see them having a party in there--the ghosts and whatever," said neighbour Kelly Lokey, a nineteen year-old cook. "It's creepy because their toes just float around the room with them. That must bug them but they're good dancers in spite of their handicap."

Neil Fickes claims the ghostly occupants of the house like to barbecue. "I don't normally care for pork but they have a way with swine," said Fickes, who claims the spirits are harmless. "One did try to come over to my house at night and enter my bedroom but I said, 'No! You're not a girl ghost, get out! We spent the night cuddling.'"

Mayor Mack says the home has to go regardless of who or what lives there. "They're not paying taxes and the place is a nuisance. The property has a new owner and those ghosts have got to go somewhere else...like the old folks' home. They can maybe keep the old people company and let them know what to expect, you know like death guidance counsellors or something. I'm sure we could find some money to start a program like that."

Pastor Allan Provo reminds us that the dead do not walk the earth, not even in Nut Mountain. "When you die your soul goes to Heaven or Hell, more likely Hell if you don't attend church." Provo noted that Sunday services begin at 10 AM and this week's sermon is "If You're Going to Believe In Ghosts, Why Not Ours?"

FOR SALE: Four (4) tires from my Jeep Wrangler, two of them are for a bicycle.

2011-10-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

Best offer over $22.00. I need money to pay my cable bill. Call T.J. pretty much any time at 555-1004.

FOR SALE: iPhone T-Shirts - Catch the Fever!

2011-10-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Will have a batch by Tuesday. See my cat shirt ad for more deets. Don't miss out!

Town Nerd First Resident to Get iPhone

2011-10-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Neil Latimore has been fixing your neighbour's computers since he brought the first PC to Nut Mountain in 2002. In fact, he was at the center of the “2002 house stampede” incident that caused forty minor injuries when local men crowded into Latimore's parents' house to see the Internet in action for the first time. (A stampede for the exit developed when high school track star Jaimie Weisser was accused of dropping his pants during the Internet demonstration.)

Since that day that changed our world forever he has been wanting to come up with something else that would make an impact. He goes into local history books again as the first person here to own an Apple iPhone.

“I know you could feed and educate six African villages for several generations for the price of it,” said Latimore, “But I really enjoy the design and the cool games. Plus, I it feels good to be a trendsetter,” added the twenty-seven year old self-confessed almost-virgin. (He claims to have paid for sex once in Parkville.)

A crowd gathered around the post office when the iPhone arrived. Mayor McElroy, besieged recently by a popular cat who may oppose him in the next election, said he'd look into the possibility of providing iPhones to all residents of Nut Mountain as part of their taxes.

“We need to get this town on track again,” said Mayor Mack, “Empowering our residents with this revolutionary device could be the wind that blows the butterflies wings, or something like that. You know what I mean.” McElroy appeared intoxicated and probably was since it was a Wednesday.

Whether or not free iPhones becomes an election platform or not, Neil Latimore is riding high on his new-found popularity. “Most guys in this town drive pickup trucks and don't even know what sexting is,” said Latimore, asking us to strike the preceding comment to protect him from getting beat up. “I think I'm a modern man, compared to most other people around here. The iPhone helps me illustrate that distinction. That and my new turtleneck.”

Latimore lives at 132 Elmview Avenue.

FOR SALE: Butter Cup for Mayor T-Shirts!

2011-10-05T10:21:00.001-07:00

Printing them now. Pre order by calling John 555-2099. Price TBA. Plus sizes available for Parkville residents.

The News Endorses Butter Cup for Mayor

2011-10-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Jim McElroy has been mayor of Nut Mountain ever since he returned from a Nevada whore ranch in 1987. He was just twenty-one when he won his first election. Throughout his career his morals have been constantly questioned. For example, on at least three occasions Humane Society officials had to remove small farm animals from his home.

In 1995 McElroy was caught handcuffed to a downtown light standard naked with a carrot inserted into his rectum. The story behind that incident was never clear but it was assumed that it was sexual encounter gone wrong. McElroy claimed he was kidnapped and tortured for his Star Wars collectibles, although a large inventory of those collectibles were found in his home by police, including several Chewbacca French ticklers. Many residents believe it was this incident that permanently damaged Nut Mountain's reputation and elevated Parkville to the preferred destination for business and tourism.

Butter Cup the cat, on the other hand, has had no such embarrassments plaguing her other than a minor incident where fire officials had to pluck her out of a tree when she was a kitten. Electing her as mayor would end the shame this town has suffered under the decades-long reign of Mayor Mack. Since no one else seems to be interested in the mayor's job, the least humiliating option for the citizens of Nut Mountain is to elect a cat as our next mayor and restore our dignity.

Photo: David-O

FOR SALE: Monocle (Actually normal glasses with just one lens)

2011-10-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

$4 OBO. Call Sherri 555-1447 after six. Could be used for killing ants.

Cat May Oppose Mayor Mack in Next Election

2011-10-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

A six year-old feline named Butter Cup may oppose twenty-four year incumbent mayor Jim (Mack) McElroy in the spring election. In fact, a recent News poll put the two neck and neck in popularity.

“I'm not surprised,” said Butter Cup owner Mark Nipper. “Politics is all about charisma and Butter Cup is a very charismatic cat. Everyone says that about her.”

Mayor Mack is not as enthusiastic. “I used to like cats, had one myself but now I hate 'em,” said McElroy while eating a dry turkey sandwich at Mike's Diner. “If that (expletive) cat wants to run this town, let her,” the mayor added.

The cat has a popular Facebook page visited by many Nut Mountain residents but Mayor Mack doesn't think he will need to look for a job come election day.

“Look, that (expletive) cat is popular, sure, and I bet her (expletive) don't stink but no one really wants him running for mayor.”

Asked what the cat's stand on the parking meter issue was, Nipper said he presumed the cat was against it but wasn't certain. “She doesn't like hard metal poles because they don't work too good for scratching.”

Recent allegations of Mayor Mack having several illegitimate children may butt up against the widely known fact that Butter Cup is spayed.

Mayor Mack has run unopposed in all the municipal elections since 1990 with the exception of 2002 when his disgruntled second wife ran against him and lost by twenty-six votes.

Photo: David-O

Love: It's Not a Four-Letter Word

2011-09-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

The Bible, although admittedly I haven't read it, teaches us to love thy neighbor. With love comes respect for one another and, hopefully, our town. It is then with great sadness that I once again was told that someone vandalized the town's only parking meter.

The parking meter project was started five years ago as part of a pilot project to raise money for pot hole repairs on main street. We figured only out-of-towners would use it, sort of a tourism tax, if you will.

But, as we all know, parking is limited on Saturdays and sometimes those two spaces are much desired. Some people have refused to plug the meter and have received tickets that have never been paid by anyone.

Controversy followed last year when the Lang's Chinese Food restaurant, a fixture in this town for eighty-seven years, shut down due to loss of business supposedly caused by the parking meter in front of their property.

There's a long list of suspects that even include certain members of the police force who hate checking the meter every day and who have been ordered to stake it out for days on end. But enough is enough. You destroy the meter, you destroy the town.

Let's stand behind the meter and love one another.

(Photo: Ryan McFarland)

Jason Babb is a Liar! Don't Listen to Him

2011-09-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Jason Babb is telling lies. Don't believe a word he says. If you want the truth, call Becki at 555-5441 after 4.

Councillor Berry is Friends with The Devil

2011-09-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

Nut Mountain town councillor Clint Berry is friends with the Devil. I've been telling you this for years, but I have new and overwhelming proof.

God spoke to me last night in my sleep. He hasn't done this in weeks so I knew it must be important. I listened extra closely as He communicated with me in the image of Liberace. (He actually wasn't gay, by the way. I was told it was all just an act to stand apart from a very masculine pianist community.)

God said that Mr. Berry not only embraces Satan, but has long been friends with him and is charged with carrying out Satan's work here in Nut Mountain. He added that Mr. Berry watches pornography in his tool shed while Mrs. Berry does housework. He also told me we're going to have a very cold winter.

God instructed me to tell people of Mr. Berry's evil plans in spite of how I will be sued for all my worldly possessions and put in jail where I will be subjected to fornication. I have never and will never hesitate to carry out His will.

Don't be fooled. The Devil sent Clint Berry here to carry out his plan and if I have to be subjected to fornication in order to warn you, so be it.

Harriet Moncrief, Nut Mountain

(Photo: SurreyNews)

FOUND: 16+ Cats, All know each other

2011-09-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

Call Rick at 555-1210 between noon at the start of Leno. 20 Robert Drive.

One doesn't have a tail.

"Mountaineer" May Have Celebrated 116th Birthday

2011-09-27T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dizzy Sampson, at 116, was one of the twenty oldest people in the entire Nut Mountain area. However, whether she made it to her 116th birthday party is an open question. Although she seemed alert and recognizing people at her party, it was determined that she was actually dead at the time.

In fact, the attending doctor took a body temperature reading that indicated she may have been dead for hours prior to the party. Yet she was propped up in a chair with a birthday hat placed on her head and, by all accounts, appeared to be enjoying herself.

Regardless, the family had a very good party according to great grandson Danny Sampson, 30, of Great Plains. "Many of us came in from far and wide and we just had a really great visit. Everyone felt like we were making a connection with Grandma, turns out the connection might have gone all the way to Heaven."

Thankfully, family members aren't the least bit upset by Dizzy's passing. "She was one hundred and sixteen years old," said Great Niece Josephine Scheel, 37, of Waverly. "I've been expecting her to die pretty much every day of my whole existence. Fact is, I was getting impatient."

"I know she may have been dead," said son in-law Peter Given, 88, who lives at the lodge, "But I know when Dizzy enjoys her cake and the cake she had in her mouth that day brought a real light to her eyes."

The family is forgoing a funeral since no one is really in mourning. Dizzy will be sealed in plastic and dropped into the Benton River by Brandt Funeral Home staff this Friday when all the paper work is finalized.

Photo: Ulrich Joho

Letter Carriers Show Too Much Leg

2011-09-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

With warm weather persisting, I simply can't take it any more, and neither can my husband. Our letter carrier is a young blond woman with very smooth and tanned legs which she boastfully displays in shorts even on rainy days. I once caught my husband peeking out the window just before the mail drop off time. I soon realized he does this every day, as does the old perverted gentleman across the street. My husband becomes very non-communicative at ten o'clock in the morning, then goes and takes an unusually long shower. It really breaks up our day and I find that he's either randy as a school boy or agitated all day. He won't leave the house until eleven o'clock on mail days. Our water bill has gone up and so has the amount of money we spend on Kleenex. I feel this provocative dress code should be revised for letter carriers. It's a uniform after all, not a bathing suit!

Myrtle Schaub

Photo: Robert Vicol

Joe Fowler's Wife Should Mind Her Own Business

2011-09-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of people in this town sticking their nose in other people's business. My neighbor Joe Fowler's wife is particularly bothersome. Years ago I decided to cut my grass at the second highest setting on the lawn mower. This provides for a longer grass blade and consequently a longer, deeper root that is requires less water. Joe Fowler, and many other people, cut their grass as short as possible like it's a putting green on a golf course. This sort of lawn needs to be watered twice per day. Joe Fowler has built in sprinklers to accomplish this task. Good for him, it's not environmental but it's a free country. Nevertheless, his wife doesn't need to shake her head and make the “tsk, tsk” sound with her mouth every time I'm present and she looks at my lawn.

(Dorothy's name withheld from publication)

Photo: Josh Hinds

Woolverton Grad Last Holdout for High School Reunion

2011-09-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

Eager organizers of the Class of 2001 Woolverton ten year high school reunion are disappointed one of their fellow grads refuses to attend, citing hatred of his school everyone who ever attended it. His bitterness culminated when year book authors refused to give him a graduation quote. It's the only time in the Woolverton Memerymaster's 80 year history that a grad hasn't had a quote, according to Cody Overmyer, the disgruntled grad.

Reunion co-chair Mallory Osby claims the missing quote was out of respect for Overmyer. "No one really liked him so it was either say something bad, or say nothing at all. I think he really lucked out from our kindness."

Overmyer says he has no desire to attend the reunion. "Why would I?" he asked. "Everyone who went to that school is either a heavy equipment operator with a drinking problem or bull semen extractors."

In fact only five members of his graduating class have ever extracted semen from a bull according to phone calls made by the News to registered 2001 grads.

But Overmyer is still defiant. "Do you know what's involved in bull semen extraction? It takes a lot of talent and just the right words whispered into the bull's ear." Overmyer went on to say no girl in high school would have sex with him or even entertain an offer of a date despite his good looks a sparkling personality.

Ms. Osby still encourages Overmyer to attend the reunion. "Many of us were pretty wild back then but we have even lower standards now so who knows?" she laughed. "He could finally get lucky."

Photo courtesy Ed Otterman

"Code Brown" Swimming Pool Hearings Underway

2011-09-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

The day that has become universally-known as “Brown Thursday” in Nut Mountain is finally having the hearings investigating that tragic day get under way.

On July 14^th, 2011 a chain of events unfolded that caused widespread panic in the town's public swimming pool resulting in countless injuries to children and adults alike as a busy pool full of patrons tried desperately to get out of the water all at once.

A “code brown” refers to pool staff or life guards sighting fecal matter in the water. For sanitation reasons everyone is to vacate the pool when a code brown is announced. But the apparent widespread nature of the fecal matter appearing in the water that day caused unusual panic, including in the lifeguards, one of which reportedly threw up at pool side and then slipped into the water.

Victim's lawyers argued that the town is responsible for the tragedy, citing negligence on the part of lifeguards who allegedly fuelled the panic with their own repulsion.

The Town opened its arguments claiming to have evidence the panic was actually ignited by a novelty shark fin which caused a number of young children to defecate in shock--all at once.

"There was all kinds of fecal matter in the pool that day and I intend to prove the panic was caused by the shark fin, not by overly sensitive life guards," said Lance Pompa, a layer representing the town of Nut Mountain.

The hearings are expected to last at three weeks with many witnesses and fecal experts expected to testify. The pool remained open but largely unused for the rest of the summer.

Photo: Nathaniel Homier

Mayor Mack, Take Down that Parking Meter

2011-09-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

Nut Mountain has but one parking meter. It appears on Main Street in front of the old Chinese restaurant and is frequently vandalized by angry citizens. It is more than a parking meter, it's a thorn in the side of this town.

Last year the meter brought in $1.25 in revenue. That's a little over a dollar, if you're not good with numbers. Even if you include the sixteen plus dollars in change recovered from the side walk that fell out of people's pockets as they attacked the meter, it's not a lot of revenue.

Fixing the meter after it was repeatedly vandalized cost taxpayers more than $2,300.00 in the last fiscal year alone. But the mayor seems fixated on keeping the meter in place, possibly to mirror Parkville's meter (which has never been vandalized but is much less attractive than our meter.)

It seems the mayor is determined to make Nut Mountain an urban metropolis. Soon he'll be building Broadway theaters and our own Times Square. Most of us don't want Nut Mountain to be anything more than the town we know and love. Overwhelmingly our 4,000 residents rejected Mayor McEnroy's two-stop subway proposal in the plebiscite last year. Thank God.

Mayor Mack has to wise up and take down that meter.