Nyla Lengacher, LCSW

Write Your Story

2012-07-01T23:10:00.001-05:00

We all have a life story. One of the things I ask some of my clients to do is to think about what their story has been thus far and then sit down and begin writing what they want the rest of their story to be.

The present is the now but you do have a part in what your tomorrow will look. The writing exercise is intended to put you in a place where you really try to imagine what you want your future to look be. Don’t think about anything you consider hindrances to that future just begin writing it down. Your past is not your future, or at least it doesn’t have to be.

Does it feel better to think life is just pulling you down a river or to believe that you have some say in and control over what happens next? So be a future biographer and work towards creating the life you really want to have. If this seems daunting, start with an outline of chapter titles first and then go back and write the content. This is for you so don’t make it too complicated. Begin with just the next year of your life from tomorrow forward.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Best Wishes,

Nyla

2011-11-11T21:06:00.001-06:00

Laugh it off.

It has been shown that even a fake smile or laugh produces positive emotional responses because the brain cannot tell the difference. Our facial muscles can cue the brain to experience a positive emotion. Laughter has been shown to lead to reductions in stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. Laughing causes the brain to release endorphins that can relieve some physical pain. Laughter also boosts the number of antibody-producing cells and enhances the effectiveness of T-cells, leading to a stronger immune system.

The next time you’re in a bad mood, smile or laugh even if it’s fake and see if you notice a difference in your emotions. Sometimes life throws things at you that you’re just not sure what to do with. Those could be opportunities to just laugh it off.

Nyla Lengacher

2011-10-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

Choose Your Attitude

“The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Victor Frankl

We go through many things in life; the good, bad, unfair, absurd, fantastic, miraculous, etc. Victor is right, we have a choice in our responses to what life throws at us.

Speaking of things thrown at us. Nine years ago I stopped on the side of a highway to try and help at an accident site. Instead a truck that lost control in the rain hit me as I was standing there. I was knocked out of my tied shoes and my body took the guardrail with me as I flew into a ditch. When I regained consciousness I realized I could not get up. A long story short, I broke a hip and a foot and was pretty banged up. Since the breaks were on different sides of my body, I could not bear weight and was thus bed-bound.

As I was recovering I would hear comments like, “no good deed goes unpunished”. I don’t agree at all. Many asked how I could be in such good spirits considering what I was going through. I told them, “You don’t understand, I’m alive and shouldn’t have survived being hit like that”. Go figure, living put me in good spirits☺. I chose an attitude of gratitude.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’ve always chosen the best responses, but I try to be very aware of my attitude. It makes all the difference in how I feel about life circumstances.

Nyla

2011-08-15T14:07:00.003-05:00

Behavior Change Exercise for Social Anxiety

Human behavior is changeable. Being able to adapt to changes in our environment has enabled us to survive.

To change behavior, we must look at factors in the current situation that maintain the undesirable behavior as well as focus on alterations that will call forth and support desirable behaviors.

Social anxiety can have secondary gains. For example, it can prevent exposure to feeling uninteresting, unintelligent, like you don’t belong, etc. Have you put yourself in a situation that supports behavior that you want to change? Maybe taking a job where you do not have to have social interaction, avoiding a hobby that you would like to pursue, making new friends, dating, or something else?

Challenge yourself with the questions below.

1) What are some factors in your current life situation that maintains the undesirable behavior? For example, isolating, avoiding social events, etc.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2) What secondary gains are you getting from the factors you listed above?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3) How can you alter those factors in a way that supports the behaviors you would like to develop?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Remember to pick your battles. Prioritize the things that mean the most to you. Some of the changes are not worth the level of anxiety they would arouse at this point in your life. However, if there are things you really feel strongly about it’s well worth taking the small steps to move in that direction.

By Nyla Lengacher

2011-04-28T18:43:00.001-05:00

The Blueprint of Your Mind

When you think of a blueprint for a home you are building, you can see what that home will look like when it’s completed. Of course you would want the builders to use the best materials possible and do quality work. The excitement builds and you can’t wait for the completion so that you can move in and enjoy what you’ve dreamed of.

The way you view your experiences and all the things that enter your life is filtered through your mental blueprints. If your focus in life is on what you do not have, worries and cynicism, then the building materials that are used will manifest as limitations, anxieties and doubtfulness. Your mindset lays the groundwork and the foundation for your success, happiness, future and all that you build in life. Your beliefs, thoughts and ideas construct the blueprint that you will follow.

If for some reason the foundation is faulty or becomes faulty guess what, it can be fixed. As the saying goes, “you can make a right decision, or you can make a decision right”. I’m not sure who coined that phrase but I really like it.

Blueprints can be broken down to just your plan for the next day. If you purpose your blueprint for tomorrow the night before, your subconscious can work on that plan while you sleep. So whether you are planning for tomorrow or one year from now, be intentional about the print you are creating.

Nyla

2011-02-13T12:00:00.000-06:00

Protection or Sabotage

Many times we unconsciously do things that we don’t want to do. Now that’s a sentence you may want to say “duh” to. We are made to flee, freeze or fight if we sense that we are in danger. This comes in many forms. If we come across a bear on a hike, it’s pretty obvious that we would sense danger. However, there are everyday things that to some may seem safe and good. For example: going to a party, making a new friend, or building a closer friendship with someone we already know. However for some with social anxiety there may be a strong desire to do these things but if fear is elicited, avoidance may occur providing safety, but sabotaging what is really wanted.

Try to step back and think about the things in your life that you may be avoiding. Is there a secondary gain that you are getting from that avoidance? Does that secondary gain outweigh what you are missing out on? If it doesn’t, it may be time to start taking the small steps needed to face the fear. When I say small, I mean small. Too much too soon can set you up for failure and damage further progress. Put your toe in the water so to speak and try something a little outside your comfort zone. Go to a coffee shop and read a book. You’ll be around people but you don’t necessarily have to have a conversation.

If it’s a relationship you’re avoiding because the last one broke your heart, it may be time to risk loving again. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved? Only you can decide that one.

Have you avoided career advancement because you don’t know if you can live up to the expectations? I’ve found that for many, it’s the expectations they have of themselves that are the block, not their employers. Remember that for everyone in a new job or job role there is a learning curve so please be kind to you!

Good luck!

Nyla Lengacher

2011-01-05T10:58:00.003-06:00

Facebook

To join or not to join? I’ll start by saying that I have not joined. The positives include, connecting with former friends and family you haven’t seen in forever, keeping up with each others lives through pictures and sharing. I see negatives like it being time consuming for many potentially taking away from face to face interaction and socialization.

An old friend recently emailed me. She asked me to get on Facebook to see her pictures. Since I’m not on Facebook, I called a friend and got on her account. I have to admit, I really enjoyed seeing my old friend’s pictures and reading some about her life. I had not seen her in close to 30 years! I’m not sure if I will ultimately get on or not but I’m much more tempted now.

So are you on or off?

by Nyla Lengacher

2010-10-31T23:55:00.003-05:00

Adoptee and Birth Family Rights

Does an adoptee have the right to know where they came from? In the case of closed adoption, does an adoptee have the right to open the records and find out who their biological family is? Does an adoptee have the right to know their medical history? Does a birth parent or sibling have the right to know who their son, daughter, brother or sister is?

I give these questions a resounding YES. It’s tragic that laws in many States do not allow this. Some have changed their laws and opened records. In the case of closed adoptions, the birth parents/family do not have the right to know where their biological family member is or who they are. According to the International Soundex Registry, the largest reunion agency, for every 5 adoptees who are searching, there are 3 birth family members searching.

Admittedly, my views come from the standpoint of being an adoptee who spent 25 years off and on searching. Due to a changed law in my State of birth, I was able to petition the court through a Confidential Intermediary who obtains the original birth certificate. After getting the original birth certificate, they contact the birth mother (for starters) and ask if she would like contact. If it’s a yes, then they pass information on to the adoptee. In my case, the long anticipated call finally came and I found out that my birth mother died in 1994. I began my search in the mid 1980’s and if the current laws had been in place, I would have had a chance to possibly meet her and find out more about my story.

Until speaking with birth mothers first hand and reading books about them like, The Women Who Went Away, I had the mistaken impression that the majority of birth mothers did not want to be found. It’s much more complex than that. Many were told what they were going to do, sent away to have their baby, come back home and forget it ever happened.

The Confidential Intermediary that I worked with said that approximately 80% of the birth mothers she made contact with did in fact want to meet their child. Do they have a right to have this opportunity? Does the adoptee?

Please share your opinions on this. Thank you.
Nyla

2010-08-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

Fixed or Growth Mindsets

I was reading a book the other day which discussed two types of mindsets. One fixed and one growth. Research indicates that children that were told that they were genius, or had a special gift or talent in a certain area were less likely to try something new in those areas. In order to maintain “perfection”, they stayed with what they knew. Those that were told that they could accomplish anything with hard work saw new areas of study, life, etc. as a challenge and interesting.

How much of our life is fixed? Michael Jordan was not picked for the basketball team in High School. So he practiced practiced and practiced some more. Even after he made the team, he went over and above standard practice times and would tenaciously repeat a shot he may have struggled with. Seems so have paid off.

Nyla Lengacher

2009-09-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

Either…Or…? Why Not Both?

How many times do we miss out on something we truly desire by thinking we can’t possibly do this AND that or have this AND that? Have you limited yourself by thinking this way? I’m not talking about greed or any other negative association that you may have if you think about this. I’m talking about opening your mind to the best that life can offer. Many times it is there but we just don’t think it can happen to us. “That’s for the lucky ones.” The more we open our minds to the good possibilities in life, the more we will see them realized. Expect the best!

By Nyla Lengacher

2009-08-02T13:15:00.001-05:00

Avoid Choking Up

Research has shown that the more we over think something we are practiced at, the higher the likelihood is that we will choke. When learning a new task, our cerebral cortex kicks in and conscious thought is involved. However, after we have learned something well and it becomes more automated, the cerebellum area of the brain takes over and things become more subconscious. So if we put too much conscious thought into what we are about to do we can get tripped up.

If we scrutinize what we are about to do too much, it can cause the conscious part of the brain to override the subconscious area where it would flow. It’s best to try and focus on a single idea like calm, peace or smooth. This brings us back to the benefits of exposure. The more we do something, the more automated it can become.

Let me know your thoughts.

by Nyla Lengacher

2009-03-18T22:50:00.004-05:00

What's Holding You Back from Your Dream?

Is something preventing you from accomplishing your dream? Maybe a belief, habit, person or thing? Take some time and sit in a quiet place and really think about this. Keep a note pad and a pen with you and write thoughts that come to you.

After doing this exercise, you may find information that you maybe knew on some level but didn't want to see. Now you must look at the bottom line. It is really only you that is the true block. Why do I say that? Because you have the ultimate choice in your life. What you do with that choice makes all the difference in your happiness.

Please write and tell me your thoughts and/or experiences with this topic.

by Nyla Lengacher

2009-02-15T11:10:00.001-06:00

Placebos

Recently I read an article in the Scientific American Mind (feb/march 2009) about placebos. It spoke of research that proves that placebos, “help not only to alleviate illnesses with an obvious psychological component, such as pain, depression and anxiety, but also to lessen the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease and inflammatory disorders”. They even reference a case where tumors were shrunk significantly. We have heard about their effects before but this really struck me because this research emphasized the influence of the subconscious.

They found that even if an individual did not have any faith in the treatment, let’s say a shot or pill that was given, there was still improvement. In other words, the subconscious associations to things that the mind connects with healing, makes a difference. This could be a white lab coat, a stethoscope or those sterile stainless steal cabinets.

So, who’s to say that the father in the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, didn’t actually have a healing response to all of those things he sprayed Windex on!

Please write and tell me your thoughts on, or experiences with placebos.

By Nyla Lengacher

2009-01-07T19:26:00.001-06:00

Expectation or Intention

Expectation is defined in the World English Dictionary as a confident belief or strong hope that a particular event will happen, a mental image of something expected, or a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of somebody. Unfortunately some expectations may be bent towards the negative and cause anxiety. One of the best ways to turn worrisome expectations into something to be excited about is to change them into intentions, which involves your state of mind. Intention keeps you proactive in your life so that you’re not just wishing or waiting, you are purposing outcomes and taking charge of situations. No matter what circumstances arise, your intentions can have a part to play in determining the effect those circumstances have on you. If you can’t expect the best, intend the best.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-12-19T23:49:00.002-06:00

Mindfulness

Many methods have been conceived over the years to treat social anxiety and there is no one-size-fits-all therapy. Meditation has been effective for calming some forms of anxiety, and mindfulness, a form of meditation, has been shown to be especially effective.

Many who suffer from social anxiety spend a great deal of time and effort ruminating about bad things that have happened in the past or worrying about things that they think may happen in the future. Sometimes the focus is on perceived imperfections, weaknesses, or shortcomings.

If you had the option of worrying about bad things that may never happen to you or feeling calm and relaxed, what would you choose? I think most people would choose feeling calm and relaxed, yet the struggle to keep the mind off these worries can remain.

There is a saying that I used to have on my office wall that said,
“If we spend our time ruminating about the past and worrying about the future, we have no today to be happy”. That’s where mindfulness is so helpful. It’s being present and thankful for the moment we are currently in.

This world really is an amazing place, so take the time to appreciate it. Whatever you are doing can be interesting if you allow yourself to experience it fully.

Children are fascinated about the world around them and it is wonderful to watch a child experience something new. I wish we would never lose the ability for that excitement. It comes so easy for a child but we have to work at it.

Mindfulness is a practice that helps ground you. Practice being aware of your surroundings and utilize all of your senses, the texture, sound, smell, look and even taste of life.

The practice of mindfulness helps to take the focus off the “what ifs” and perceived flaws and put it on the beauty of the moment. One of my favorite affirmations is, “my self worth does not depend upon how anyone else views me”. Each and every one of us has something unique to offer that no one else can.

So get out there with your unique self, take life in, seize the moments and refuse to let it pass you by. Believe me, you’ll be much happier.

By Nyla Lengacher

2008-11-21T23:48:00.000-06:00

What Moves You?

When was the last time you really felt alive? For example, what takes you to the edge of your chair? What have you been involved in where you have totally lost track of time? What moves you to tears? What makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts? What has motivated and inspired you to release your creative nature?

It’s important that we know when these things happen so that we can ensure they happen more often. Too many times we get caught up in life and forget these very important instances that make it all real.

Please comment and share some of your answers and experiences!

By Nyla Lengacher

2008-11-09T21:31:00.003-06:00

Strive to Self-Actualize

What is Self -Actualization? Abraham Maslow in his article, A Theory of Human Motivation. Maslow explicitly defines self-actualization to be "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in
what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."

Self-actualization is a term that has been used in various psychology theories, often in slightly different ways (e.g., Goldstein, Maslow, Rogers). The term was originally introduced by the organismic theorist Kurt Goldstein for the motive to realize all of one's potentialities. In his view, it is the master motive—indeed, the only real motive a person has, all others being merely manifestations of it.
Wikipedia encyclopedia

Now that’s a mouthful! To simplify, I think much of this gets down to the ability to take off all the limits that prevent us from doing the magnificent things that are inside each and every one of us. If we can become self-actualized, we will have peak experiences in life because we believe and know that we can. It’s like walking into our full authentic selves and living our potential.

Do you think it is possible to become self-actualized? Leave a comment and tell me what you think?

By Nyla Lengacher

2008-10-27T10:01:00.000-05:00

Mind Shift

When we seek to change an embedded mindset, we have to first dismantle the old mindset. If the old still stands, there is no room for the new to come. How does this happen? First, we have to recognize what aspects of our current mindset need to be removed. Secondly, we need to define what the new mindset needs to be. Thirdly, we have to note how those around us and our environment have contributed to the faulty aspects we want to change. We can then choose an infrastructure that will support the new mindset.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-09-30T19:59:00.003-05:00

Imagination a source of Motivation

Creating an inner vision of the person you ideally want to be is a powerful source of motivation. It helps you to contemplate how you will feel, what it will look like and how you will behave as your ideal self. Consciously visualizing yourself as the person that you want to be, allows you to mentally rehearse the changes in behavior and perspective that are crucial to realizing your goal. Fear can keep you in your comfort zone. If any anxiety arises when you attempt your visualization, stop and write down potential blocks. For example, fear of success, feeling unworthy, fear of the unknown. When you can target the blocks, you can begin to re-frame your thinking or self-talk and keep going. Your still off to a good start. So take some time each week to visualize your ideal self and watch the results. Don't forget that your past is not an indicator of your future. Tomorrow really can be different.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-08-11T22:04:00.001-05:00

6 Steps to No Regrets

How many times have you looked back and regretted actions, behaviors or decisions?

Kiss regrets goodbye!

First, avoid wasting time doing things that you really don’t want to do. It’s perfectly OK to say, “no thanks, have a good time”, or “no I don’t want to join you at the concert, but maybe we can do something else another time.” It may sound easy but this can really be difficult for many more people than you could imagine. Practice with smaller things and gradually build upon that.

Secondly, in the evening, Write down a goal for the following day. When you wake up the next day, do it. Simple but effective.

Third, tell the people you care about just how you feel. It’s not a mushy thing to do and you won’t look like a sap. You’re just sharing your heart with another.

Fourth, stop putting off that trip you have been meaning to take someday. If money has been holding you back. Start putting away money each week that is strictly for the trip. Open a special savings account if you are concerned about getting it mixed up with your other savings.

Fifth, lighten up. Don’t take yourself so seriously that you are no longer able to laugh at yourself. Too many times, we are the ones that are pressuring us the most. Try practicing looking outward at the beauty in life, rather than inward at the things you feel are flawed about you. Here’s a news-flash...NOBODY is perfect:)

Sixth and most importantly, take your dream off the shelf and start living it. Stir up that dormant passion that has always been inside of you and start living it. It won’t just fall in your lap, you have to make it happen. Take the risk and GO FOR IT!

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-08-05T23:30:00.004-05:00

How to Mingle

Mingling can be one of the most difficult things to do for those with social anxieties. The idea of going to a gathering and walking around the room briefly speaking to strangers or even acquaintances can be terrifying. Try the following strategies to make the event more manageable.

1) Look for someone that is standing alone. Walk up to them and introduce yourself. If it is a party, you may ask how they know the host/hostess.

2) Don’t feel as though you have to stay around that person all night just because you spoke to them. It is perfectly appropriate and acceptable to have some brief exchanges and then move on by saying something like, “Well, I’m going to visit with some other people. It was nice to meet you”.

3) If it is something like an art opening, you can discuss the art and ask if they have a favorite painting, etc. Discussing the things that you may have in common can make the exchange a bit easier.

4) Be aware of your body language. Make eye contact and smile. This lets others know that you are open to speaking to them.

5) Remind yourself that there are probably many others in the room that are just as uncomfortable as you are.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-05-18T18:54:00.003-05:00

Notice Life

There are so many things that occur during our day that we miss. Try this exercise. Keep a note pad or journal beside your bed. Each night write down three things that were good about your day. These don't have to be big things. It could be as simple as a smile from a stranger, a ripening tomato in your garden or beginning a new hobby. This causes you to begin noticing your life more as it happens and helps keep you in the present moment. It also causes you to go to sleep thinking about the good in life and not the fourteen things you have to get done the next day. Just try it one week and judge the difference for yourself.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-04-06T07:39:00.001-05:00

Boundaries in Relationships

What is a boundary anyway? I try to envision a boundary in relationship to others as the line we have that shows us where we end and another person begins. When our comfort level ends and we begin to feel uncomfortable with something, it is usually a sign that a boundary needs to be set. Too many times the limit is not set because of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or fearing we would not be liked or accepted if we draw the line or say no. This can be anything from going on the second date when the first date clearly showed you one was enough, to becoming an Engineer because your father always wanted you to become one. Boundaries are wonderful things that I promise, you will enjoy more and more as you practice setting them.

What are some of the benefits? Decreased resentments, minimized stress, better use of your time and best of all, the more you set them, the more you will become aware of who you are apart from others.

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-02-26T10:49:00.002-06:00

What Are You Thinking About?

How much does our thinking effect the way we view the world around us? Do we even consider this? Try to take just one day and remain as aware as possible of your thoughts. Think about what you are thinking about. As you do this, try and note the mood or emotions that you are having associated with those thoughts. Thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behaviors. We can't get away from the connection and that’s a good thing. We can begin to create our lives as we choose how we perceive life. It all starts with believing we can change, recognizing what our thinking patterns are, catching ourselves when we are heading down a negative path and turning those thoughts into something more positive. Some may say, "that's just lying to myself". Whether you fully believe it or not isn't the point. Do it anyway because the more you practice, the more you will actually start to believe it. You will have the incentive of slowly seeing your mood improve. Give it a try, what have you got to lose?

by Nyla Lengacher

2008-02-26T00:22:00.004-06:00

Small Steps Towards Change

When you’re ready to make a change there are ways to make the transition easier. Too many times when someone decides to make a change in their life, they focus too much on the change and give up when they don't see the progress they hope for. What needs to happen instead is focusing on the NEW behavior that you would like to add to your life’s activities. For example, let’s say that you want to begin eating more healthy. You might say, “OK, I am going to start eating healthy tomorrow”. If you think about it, that is a bit unrealistic and can be a recipe (no pun intended) for failure. Why don’t you instead pick just one meal that you are going to make sure is healthy. Give yourself a week or two with that one and then add another healthy meal to your day. Breaking things down into smaller steps goes a long way.

by Nyla Lengacher