Last Saturday

And Fred was his wonderful self. Not long after I met him, I realized two qualities in every interaction he has with people. First, he makes others feel good about themselves. He shows a genuine interest in who they are and values his time with each and every person he meets. Second, he makes sure everyone has fun. And he’s really really really good at that. I have laughed more in the past 8 months than I have in the past 8 years! And it’s always good, clean fun. Never at the expense of anyone else.

But there’s more. Although I’ve already become known as an “expert” on the psychology of men and relationships, Fred is teaching me more about both topics every day. It just flows naturally from who he is and from his faith in Jesus Christ. I love that about him.

During the dance lessons, we were demonstrating the “swing” step, and Fred was explaining how it was done. He said, “Guys, you just pay attention to how your sweetie’s body is responding to the music and to you, and then you match her.”

Huh? For years I’ve been telling women that they need to follow their guy – to match him.

So I was more than a little taken aback by his verbal instructions. I looked up at him and spontaneously proclaimed, “You’re matching ME? I thought I was matching YOU!”

He just smiled and gently replied, “We’re matching each other.”

Now I ask you: How sweet is that? What a perfect way to play out Ephesians 5:21 … right in the middle of a dance lesson!

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Bottom line: Ladies, men think differently than we do, and the more I get to know them, the more I realize that it’s a pretty good kind of different. Most men are thoughtful and gentle – much more so than we typically give them credit for. Most look for opportunities to be a hero to the women in their lives, but we often miss it when they do something heroic, and that’s sad. So always be on the lookout for the good that men bring to your life!

Thank you, Lord, for Fred. He’s the absolute best, and he’s my hero.

NOTE: Some who’ve heard about our Victorian Valentine’s Dance may assume that we take the stance that the man is the leader … period. And that the woman should submit … period. That’s not what Scripture says, and as a psychologist I know it doesn’t work well that way in real life. If you’d like to know more, come join us in Irvine this Saturday. But buy your tickets online now because we only have room for two or three more couples. And if you don’t live nearby, you might want to check out Pastor Mike Erre’s sermon, posted on our website.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8fykuW4IHk

I am dreaming Dear of you, day by day
Dreaming when the skies are blue, When they’re gray;
When the silv’ry moonlight gleams, Still I wander on in dreams,
In a land of love, it seems, Just with you.

Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.
Let me hear you whisper that you love me too.
Keep the love-light glowing in your eyes so true.
Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.

Longing for you all the while, More and more;
Longing for the sunny smile, I adore;
Birds are singing far and near, Roses blooming ev’rywhere
You, alone, my heart can cheer; You, just you.

Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.
Let me hear you whisper that you love me too.
Keep the love-light glowing in your eyes so true.
Let me call you “Sweetheart,” I’m in love with you.

He won’t do it perfectly. So you will need to let go of your tendency to correct him, to teach him, to give him advice – even about how to dance. Those messages tell him he’s not good enough – that he will never be good enough to make you happy.

And You’ll Get to Be His Princess

For years Dr. Debi has been teaching women about men, and this Saturday, Fred is going to teach men about women. Your man will learn about you, not only through words, but also through the Romance of Dance, so you’ll want him to pay close attention to what Fred says and does.

Fred will be his teacher: You will be his Princess.

However, you won’t be passive in his learning process. You have a very active role to play. Your man needs a lot from you to be successful in his mission. At the Dance – and always – he  will need …

• Your Attention – look at him adoringly
• Your Admiration – respect him as a man
• Your Approval – affirm him with your smile
• Your Affection – touch him tenderly
• Your Appreciation – thank him sincerely
• Your Acceptance – love him just as he is

Remember that you are The Princess, and your man is Your Hero!

We hope you’re planning to join us in
making memories together during this special evening of
Romance and Fun in Our 19th Century Ballroom!

Life isn’t like it was in Jane Austen’s day. Women have gained a tremendous amount of freedom, and rightly so. But have we gone too far in our quest for equality?

In my last post, I stated that women have been running the show for a long time now. However, we also need to talk about the huge price we pay in doing so.

It’s not just that we miss being protected, guided, and held by our man. It’s also that, when women wear the pants, we lose something essential of who we are created to be. At all levels, intellectual, emotional, relational, physical, etc. In a word, I believe we force ourselves to run in survival mode, and never have the opportunity to thrive!

God designed women to be adaptable, which is a good thing. We have what it takes to rally when needed, but we can only do it on the short term. As a way of life, it can destroy us.

Last spring I heard a female speaker (layperson) say that men are better equipped to lead because of their naturally higher testosterone levels. Something like 30 times as much? So – according to her – when women need to “step it up,” they must rely on adrenaline, which is only a short-term solution – for any human being. If we rely on it long term, we begin to destroy our bodies.

That’s not to say that men don’t run on adrenaline far too often as well, but that it’s not their first resource in the drive to survive.

If not psychosocially/emotionally emasculated – which may actually reduce testosterone levels in males – men have what it takes to go farther and faster than a woman does before their bodies begin to overuse their sympathetic nervous system for day-to-day survival.

I do know that there’s a body of literature that provides evidence that, in order for women to survive in business, they must take on masculine qualities. They have to learn to walk and talk and act like a man, or they will fail in a man’s world.

I don’t mean to say that women can’t be leaders. But I do believe women need to lead using feminine qualities, and not try to become men. The converse is also true. I believe men need to be tender and sensitive and caring, but with the unique style that men have. We should not try to make men into women.

The Bottom Line: As women, we need to figure out how to thrive, not just survive.

The image of a man and a woman dancing together in three-quarter time is the best metaphor for (and experience of) a romantic relationship as it should be.

More specifically, a couple dance provides much of the information we need in order to understand what makes a romantic relationship work well. The man takes the lead, and the woman follows. He guides and protects her. She influences him, even as she admires him … and makes him look good to anyone who’s watching.

Leadership

I’ve included one of my favorite waltz videos here. There are so many couples on the dance floor it’s hard to imagine how they keep twirling around without crashing into one another. That is, unless you realize that each pair has only one leader.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRyU4Jw6uwU

It’s the man’s job to protect his partner from other couples on the floor, and to guide her steps as they swish and swirl in time to the music. If the woman starts criticizing what he’s doing or pulling him in a different direction, it will be impossible for him to take responsibility for the dance.

As Christian women, most of us have been taught that the man is to be the leader in the family. In reality, women have been running the show for a long time now. Let’s face it. We can make it through life without a man. But can we really live the life we desire?

Yes, we can survive. But in taking charge, we miss the beauty of what God intended our relationships to be. We not only make it impossible for our man to lead, but we deny what every girl’s heart longs for.

Every girl wants three things from the man she loves.

She wants him to protect her, to guide her, and to hold her. And as the leader, he was designed by God to do just that!

1. Protect Me

Men are designed to protect us. It’s a fact of life that men are bigger and stronger than women. And they have this wonderful quality about them: much much much high testosterone levels. Women’s bodies produce testosterone, too, but far far less of it than men do … without giving it a thought.

However, this very fact can make us afraid of them. When we feel intimidated or threatened by a man, we use the only surefire weapon we have: our words. And given that men are sensitive to us, our words usually work to “cut him down to size.” Not a bad thing if he’s the enemy. But if he’s our partner in life, we’ve just made it impossible for him to protect us.

2. Guide Me

Okay, this one may be hard for us to admit. But don’t we really wish someone knew the answers? And don’t we wish it was our man who knew? We love it when he solves a problem for us … and he does, too! His brain was made to solve problems, so you’re actually helping him fulfill his purpose in life when you let him guide. It’s very satisfying to a man when he can win in this way … finding a workable solution that makes life better for others.

However, guys get a bump rap for trying to solve our problems for us. Sometimes we just want them to listen (see #3 below). If that’s what we need, all we have to do is tell him that up front. Most guys are happy to provide whatever will make us happy, but we have to be specific about what we want … because guys don’t think like we do … at all!

3. Hold Me

This one is probably the most important of the three things a woman desires from the man she loves. And it happens while you dance. (Maybe that’s why I love waltzing so much!) Women not only want to be touched, but they want to be held … lovingly, caringly, respectfully. Research shows that being held by someone you love will dramatically reduce anxiety in a matter of minutes! We’ve all seen an anxious toddler benefit from being scooped up and held by a loving parent. As adults, we’re no different. We all need to be held sometimes. And women need it every day!

We’re vulnerable creatures, but we often don’t feel safe enough to admit it. We often get a bump rap by being called “needy” … especially by men. And we hate that. So we’d rather not say how we’re feeling … or ask to be comforted, reassured, held.

And that’s really, really sad. Because a man loves (and receives measurable emotional and psychological benefits) from holding the woman he cares for. If he only knew that’s what you needed … Most of the time, he just thinks he’s screwed something up and that you would like to have him beheaded.

What can you do to assure that your partner will protect you, guide you, and hold you?

First, he needs to know that you are following him, even if he’s not a very seasoned leader. A man can never become a really great leader if no one is willing to follow him. In a word, he needs you to submit to his leadership. Submission really means that you trust and respect him. It does not mean that you follow him blindly and without feedback.

Second, he needs your feedback. Both Scripture and research show that men need to be open to the influence of their wives. Otherwise, they’re doomed to failure. However, your feedback must not be in the form of criticism, attack, blame, or advice. What he desperately needs to know is what he is doing right … what pleases you … what makes you happy. Give him that, and he will pull out all the stops to make you even more pleased and more happy.

Finally, he needs you to help him look good to anyone who’s watching. He’ll stand taller and work harder than you ever thought possible. And he’ll love doing it … for you!

A couple of final thoughts …

Remember that the man you fell in love with is still in there … no matter what you may be going through right now. He longs to be your best friend, your protector, your guide, and your comfort. Let him be those things for you.

And remember to have fun together. That’s what best friends do! Sharing laughter and memories will strengthen your emotional bond and help you make it through the tough times.

Experience the Romance of Ephesians 5

Dr. Smith is a California Licensed Psychologist, experienced Couples Therapist, and expert in the Psychology of Men and Relationships.

NOTE: Replays of our Webcasts are also available as Video on Demand.

Dr. Debi Smith

Would you like to know how to get the very best responses from the men in your life?

Check out our 1st ever Livestream webcast by Dr. Debi Smith.

As an extrovert, talking to my computer was a tough exercise for me. But thanks to Scott & Kelly, (a.k.a., Capone Strategies and The K Factor Enterprises), we made it through. My outline is available for download from the webpage, above the video.

Click here to see the replay now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFas-cB9LG8

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true

Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn’t something that we find
It’s something that we do

It’s holding tight, lettin’ go
It’s flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too

It’s a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn’t something that we have
It’s something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that we can’t tell where I end and where you start

It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There’s so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new

We’re on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love’s not just something that we’re in
It’s something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
We can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that we can’t tell where I end and where you start

Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn’t just those words we said
It’s something that we do

There’s no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn’t someplace that we fall
It’s something that we do

* Written and performed by Clint Black

A guy can’t help but be a hero to his sweetie as he glides her around our Valentine’s dance floor. It’s essential that couples keep the fun in their friendship, and vintage dance is the perfect place!

The Victorian ballroom glows with great melodies and easy to learn dance steps. And you don’t have to drop a fortune to enjoy an evening of style, and the elegance that comes with two hearts beating (and dancing) in three quarter time!

Victorian Dance Lessons | February 4th | 2-6 pm
casual | $15/couple online or $20/couple at the door

Victorian Valentine’s Dance | February 11th | 7-11 pm
dressy | $45/couple online or $60/couple at the door

Victorian Dance Lessons + Valentine’s Dance
$60/couple online

Introducing Our Dance Instructor . . .

Fred Judkins is gifted in many ways. His love for all things Victorian began with a passion for Gilbert & Sullivan when he was a boy. He is an accomplished Victorian dancer and teacher, and through his love for the manners, dances, and fashions of a bygone era, he hopes to promote a more genteel society today.

Hurray for Hollywood! Growing up at a time when films were fun and wholesome, Fred carries a deep and abiding love for this uniquely American art form. As a 12th-grader, he produced his own film festival at his high school. His senior English teacher sponsored him in Kodak’s national film-making contest. Kodak promised that the winner could “Film Your Way to Hollywood.” And that’s just what Fred did!

On his way to The Big Time, Fred stopped off for two years at Biola University, where he produced Biola’s first film festival – his second – Fred’s Frenetic Film Festival. After graduating from San Diego State University, he ended up as a sound effects editor in the major Hollywood studios, and a member of the Editor’s Guild, the Television Academy, and the international Motion Picture Sound Editors (MPSE).

Fred is now an Emmy-Winning Sound Supervisor at Technicolor Sound Services in Burbank. His sound work for movies includes Mystery Men, All the Pretty Horses, Spiderman, Ghostbusters 2, Twins, Anna Karenina, Starship Troupers, Charlie’s Angels, Joni, Out of Africa, Hook, The Recuers Down Under, Jimmy Neutron, Fievel Goes West, Adventures of Huck Finn, Iron Will, and Straight Talk. And he’s had the privilege to work with great talents such as Dolly Parton, Whoopi Goldberg, and Steve Martin.

Along with songwriter Eric Rainwater, Fred is the co-creator of the popular series of Christian Kid-Choir musical comedies that began with The Mission Connection, and includes Check Out That Star, The Not-So-Silent Night, The Perils of Paul, and Samson: The Day God Brought Down the House.