INGREDIENTS:

• 2 ½ oz VOGA Sparkling Wine
• 1.5 oz Vanilla vodka
• 1 oz crème de menthe liquor
• Splash of Grenadine

DIRECTIONS:

In a shaker, combine ice, vodka and crème de menthe and grenadine. Stir gently and strain into a chilled martini glass rimmed with crushed candy canes. Top with VOGA Sparkling and garnish with a candy cane.

Big Swole

Man like I told QueensGirl the other day…This mofo would strecth the hale out of a Mock Neck sweater. Turning that shyt into a Cowl Neck…

Say something nice….

But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change.

“I feel I’ve been assaulted,” he told the Het Nieuwsblad newspaper.

“I brought her to Belgium. That was not easy. The Belgian courts had serious doubts about the authenticity of her birth and her identity papers, but eventually they accepted it anyway. I thought she was an attractive woman, all woman. She had no male traits.”

Jan, 64, said that he and his wife had decided not to have children because he had two by his previous marriage and she fooled him by pretending to menstruate, using sanitary towels, “to conceal the truth”.

Before you judge this guy, bytches, just ask yourself:” Haven’t I gone too far in my quest to kill a big before?
Bytch, you know you have so stop acting all holier than thou. Ol fake ass faker. You might not have gone THIS far… but still.

Just…. just wait for his face at the end… and his cry for help. I…..was in …tears….

Remember all that nice stuff I was saying about FLorida the other day? Yeah well…. let’s forget all about that because in the last 24 hours, FLorida has just shown it’s ASS, people!!! It’s whole entire ass!!!

NOVEMBER 27–A Florida woman was jailed last night for a post-coital assault on her boyfriend, an attack the victim says was prompted when only he climaxed during a sexual encounter in the couple’s residence.

Raquel Gonzalez, 24, was arrested Monday afternoon for felony domestic battery and booked into the Manatee County lockup, where bond has been set at $750. Gonzalez is pictured in the adjacent mug shot.

According to a Manatee County Sheriff’s Office report, Gonzalez and Esric Davis, 30, are “boyfriend and girlfriend who live in the same home and are involved in a sexual relationship.”

Deputies noted that Davis and Gonzalez were “involved in sexual intercourse” when “Esric then climaxed and Raquel did not.” Which reportedly angered Gonzalez, who allegedly “began hitting and scratching [Davis], causing scratches near his eye and nose.” Davis told investigators that Gonzalez “goes off” frequently and that she had previously been physical with him.

At one point, Gonzalez told deputies, “I have scratches on me too from where he tried to restrain me when I lost it.” Gonzalez was reportedly “belligerent and uncooperative” and declined to answer questions post-Miranda. [source]

First of all, please believe that if I got my azz whooped for ejaculating too fast, understand that I wish I WOULD file  a damn police report about SHYT!!!!!!!

That ish is going to be between ME, YOU and the jeweler i went to to buy you shyt for my lack of kong.

But that is how it goes though doesn’t it! That is why you need to not sit there talking all that ish about your kongitude because if the shyt doesn’t go down like it should…

Have you sitting there afterwards talking about: ” I like your hair…… you know what.. tomorrow im gonna cook your favourite meal tomorrow…..you should buy those shoes you’ve been looking at……..i like your hair.”

Thanks to CeCe for the send in.

Look, we’ve all slapped someone in the face with a dick before and the only reason you are alive right now is because you did it playfully or…. she asked you to do it. Because she is fracking AWWWWWWWWWESOME. Seriously…. if you haven’t slapped someone in the face with all types of just jibby, do it. You’ll feel great about the decision.

Buuuuuuuut I do NOT advise you to do it out of malice because  you tried to pay someone for sex and they said no. Although refusing to give a man the booty is grounds for slapping you in the face with dick, it’s usually just something we THINK about.  But to actually do it with the intent to utterly disrespect someone?? Nawl, son….

Rockland, Maine (The Weekly Vice) – Fred Thomas, a 62-year-old Cushing man, was sentenced to jail after he allegedly assaulted his estranged wife with his penis because she wouldn’t have sex with him.

According to Rockland police, Thomas and his wife continued to live together on a temporary basis after she decided to dissolve their 39 year marriage.

During that time, he offered to pay her $20 for sex. When she refused his proposal, he pulled out his penis and smacked her in the face with it.

During a police interview, Thomas told investigators that he was distraught because his wife met a man in Pakistan online and was planning to meet him. The victim told authorities that she did not want her husband to jail over the incident, and insisted that anger management counseling would benefit him far better than jail time.

Thomas pleaded guilty to charges of domestic assault and battery.  A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. He was sentenced to 180 days in jail, however all but five days were suspended pending the completion of an anger management course. [source]

Man I have the PERFECT gif to post for this but I can’t. It’s NSFW as all hell…….. dammit. Drats.

Anyway….     Maaaaaan… you DID only offer her $20 for sex, an act she used to perform for free, but hell…she isn’t your woman anymore, sir and you are not her man. You guys are roommates. You can’t just run around slapping your roommate in the face with just dick because you are having an attitude. You can’t have a dick-riddled tantrum!! A Dantrum!  You can’t just get so angry that you run around all the live-long day busting people in their facial region with dick, sir, that is just neither warranted OR sanitary. I’m not so sure but I would think that flying your dick into someone else’s air space is an act that is frowned upon in most provinces and territories, my good man. I haven’t checked local ordinances or anything but I’m sure that if dick-to-the-face associated transgressions are found in the books, it would be punishable by SOME type up fine or SOMETHING.

Just saying.

Zan aint shyt for sending this in

>
Author’s Note: I’m only finna talk about two games this week. Actually, I’m only finna talk about one game this week. It was that or catch a case. You’ll understand as you read on.
(Oh, and I mention a prominent philosopher at the end. So, you get to learn something too. See that? Bonus stuff!)



So, two teams turned in all-time stinkers last Sunday night.
One franchise has appeared in eight (!!) Super Bowls and has won six (!!) of them.
One franchise last won an NFL Championship (what they used to call the Super Bowl back when the earth cooled) in 1964, before the Beatles became bigger than Jesus.
They have met 88 times, these two franchises; one of them, the one that frequently visits the Super Bowl, has won 56 of those contests.
Thus, when these two teams met on Sunday, it was not terribly surprising to find that one of them managed eight (8) turnovers (!!) in the game before losing.

What is surprising is that the team that kept giving the ball away was allegedly coached by Mike Tomlin.
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Pittsburgh Steelers.

But the Steelers ain’t who I’m mad at.









That’d be the San Diego Chargers.

There’s only one thing that’d make me happy with the Chargers now, and that would be a sell-out crowd in San Diego, a fly-over by our latest billion-dollar Imperial Star Destroyer, the national anthem sung by a handicapped kid who got nervous and forgot the words but got an assist from honorary team captain LaDainian Tomlinson, and then, just before kickoff, Vince McMahon’s music suddenly blaring through the stadium speakers.



(MY GOD! IS THAT MR. MCMAHON’S MUSIC? I THOUGHT HE WAS BANNED FROM WHATEVER THE HELL THIS STADIUM IS NAMED! MY GOD! SOMEBODY’S AZZ IS GETTING FIRED IN SAN DIEGO TONITE! MY GOD!)*

And then Vince McMahon comes out, fires General Mis-Manager A.J. Smith, first verbally, then with a flame-thrower, has Kane perform a Tombstone Piledriver on faux head coach and resident idiot Norv Turner, and puts The Game and The Rock in charge of the team for the foreseeable future. At the very least, the Chargers will be able to cut a decent promo from now on.

IF YA SSMMEELLLL…(editor’s note: doesn’t his wife pay attention to him when he’s writing? Dang…anyway, we cut most of the boolshyt out. Enjoy the rest of the article)

But what, you ask, has your humble scribe in such a dither about the Chargers? Why am I so lathered up about their latest misadventure?

Because nothing pizzes me off worse than bad football.

I get some bad teams. Some bad teams play hard and do everything right, but they just don’t have the same talent that the guys across the field have.

Bad football?

Possibly more inexcusable than Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe choices, but I digress. Some teams just don’t have the horses to run The Derby.

The Chargers, on the other hand, have straight wasted more All-Pro talent than most franchises will ever draft. Think about it: Drew Brees, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, Junior Seau, Vincent Jackson, Michael Turner, and Philip Rivers either used to play for this franchise or still do, and they STILL cain’t figure it out. Two of the greatest football mysteries in the history of the NFL have to be how a team with a running back who scored 30 touchdowns (the aforementioned LT) didn’t win everything known to man, and how a team that finished second in offense and second in defense (2010) did not even make the playoffs. Both of these dubious achievements come with a lightning bolt helmet. But that ain’t what’s got me honked off.

What’s got me honked off is 4:20.

Four minutes and twenty seconds.

The Chargers were leading the Baltimore Ravens by ten (!!) points with Four Minutes And Twenty Seconds Remaining In The Game…and lost in overtime.

Ohhhh, but that ain’t what’s got me chewing on my beer can as I write this.

No, it’s the fact that, okay, the Ravens scored what should have been a meaningless touchdown before the Chargers should have killed the clock and snuck away with a hard-earned victory…except that the Chargers turn around and give the ball right the hale back to the Ravens.

Ohhhh, but that ain’t what’s about to get me divorced after my wife cuts my head off.

No, it’s the fact that the Chargers, with less than Two Minutes Remaining In the Game, had the Ravens at Fourth and 29.

This means that the Ravens had to traverse 29 yards (basically, a third of the friggin’ field) to get a first down or the game was over. Finally, blessedly, over. So, what happened?

In order: Ravens’ QB Joe Flacco, under much duress, dumps a screen pass to safety valve Ray Rice, who is standing AT the line of scrimmage, some 29 yards away from free territory.

Cue “Yakkety Sax.”

While the clearly bewildered Chargers run aimlessly about like Monty Python’s infamous “100 Meter Dash For People With No Sense of Direction,” Rice somehow manages to outrun the EIGHT MEN BETWEEN HIM AND THE YARD MARKER for the first down.

Ravens field goal to tie. Overtime. Ravens field goal to win.

Ballgame.

You can’t make this stuff up.

The Chargers were up by 10 with 4:20 left in the game and later had the Ravens at 4th and 29…and still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Any atheist wants to trip a Christian right tha fugg up, drop this question on him: “How is it that neither A.J. Smith nor Norv Turner needed WitSec to sneak out of town after that debacle? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?”

Aaaaaand I’m OUT like the NHL All-Star Game…

*Yes, I stole this riff…well, “steal” is such an ugly word. Consider Pachelbel’s “Canon in D;” does anyone call it “stealing” when that particular chord progression shows up in virtually every pop song in the iTunes collection of hominis Americanus ignoramus? None other than Roland Barthes decried the idea of authorship in any sense of the word, that once something is said or written it becomes subject to the interpretations and reinterpretations of the persons reading or listening, who are then free to construct a reality about the utterance as they see fit. So, ahh, no. I didn’t steal it. And I don’t care where you might have seen something like this before. I didn’t steal it.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Album: Girl on Fire
Artist: Alicia Keys
Genre: R&B/Pop
Sounds Like: A CD that needs to die in a fire
Reviewer: Beth

Alicia Keys’ debut CD Songs in A Minor was a classic as far as I am concerned still in rotation over 10 years later. Diary was a great CD as well but after that she went downhill and I don’t know why.

Honestly y’all I’m struggling with this review. Let me just put it out there: This CD is horrible!

I need to understand her over singing. I mean she doesn’t have a strong voice to begin with and now she’s just hollering. There are few singers in this world that can holler and make it sound good, Patti Labelle, Chaka, Aretha even Fantasia can holler-sing with the best of them. Alicia cannot! Is this yell-singing her attempt at being soulful? I just don’t get it.

Even the music and production on this CD is horrible with one exception The Fire we make featuring Maxwell. Thank God for Maxwell he saves this song because honestly if he wasn’t on it I probably wouldn’t like it.

You know what forget this CD it’s not worth anyone’s time or money or even bootlegging.

Sorry y’all I just don’t have it in me to write any more about Alicia or this garbage CD.

Album: Unapologetic
Artist: Rihanna
Genre: Pop/Dance
Sounds like: Musically it feels like Rated-R 2.0, but lyrically it feels like nobody learned a damn thing.
Reviewer: Hex

There’s a dangerous point that happens during the careers of pop superstars where the hype starts to take over everything else. Where the act of simply being Elvis or Michael Jackson or Madonna or Beyonce or Kanye is such a huge deal that even when you don’t do anything at all you’re still getting coverage in tabloids and on TV. It’s a point where the publicity beast sort of takes over, and your name takes on a life of it’s own.

The irony of this phenomenon is that in order to reach this stage, you have to make music that people fall in love with so deeply that they feel a connection to you that seems personal — so much so that your personal style becomes a part of the mystique. Your dating choices, your fashion sense, even your haircuts become topics of intense discussion by people all around the world.

But the strange thing (especially these days) is that once you reach that point, once it gets to the level where every time you post a photo on instagram it goes viral within minutes — the music that you make almost becomes secondary to all this other stuff.

There was a point where Michael Jackson, the King of Pop himself had shattered album sales records and filled the airwaves with hit after hit after hit. People adored him, and soon stories about his look, his love life, his house, and even his nose became unavoidable currents in the media streams all around. Whether it was celebration or scandal — there was always some piece of MJ news to be found. So much so that some very good albums he released later in his career almost seemed invisible in comparison to all the other things happening in his world.

Lately it feels like Rihanna is at this point.

The Rihanna story. The Rihanna brand. The polarized camps of stans and critics, constantly bickering at each other on social networks. The photo shoots,the movie roles, the Oprah interviews, the tabloid stories, the fake nude photos, the almost-nude real photos. The gossip mill and the twitter beefs.

It’s sooo much nosie that if you’re not really paying direct attention you might not even have realized that there was a new album coming out amid all of this other mess.

But there is.

Unapologetic  is already the seventh (!) studio release by the 24 year old singer, one that follows on the heels of the wildly successful but critically disliked Talk That Talk. But perhaps more importantly, despite it’s timing Unapologetic seems to be the album that directly follows and addresses all of this never-ending Chris Brown bulls**t.

And if the album’s title wasn’t a big enough hint — the track that features a duet between the two, the Michael Jackson-styled “Nobody’s Business” pretty much hammers home the fact that these two are going to remain linked (one way or another) regardless of what you or anyone else might think.

I suppose there’s something honorable to be said for that, but the coin here has two sides. Seemingly written in and around this current path to re-connection between the two troubled pop-star lovers, the songs on Unapologetic dance around the elephant in the room — sometimes longing for the return of the relationship the singer once knew (“Jump”), while at others defiantly talking about how the experiences and bad times have changed her (“Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary”).

Whether she wants to admit or apologize for it or not — almost all the songs on this album are hopelessly entwined with Rihanna’s relationship with Brown — which unfortunately (depending on your opinion of it all) risks turning the whole thing into a collection of “stupid girl” anthems in which the protagonist is almost determined to get back with her abuser.

But what makes fans fascinate over Rihanna isn’t her honesty. Nor has it ever been. Despite the shifting sounds of her career, whether her music was island-influenced or straight pop, Rihanna works best as a groove machine. Her sultry voice and suggestive lyrics carefully blend with a wide variety of producer made dance beats creates a potion that still has the power to move you even if you’re kinda pissed off at how blind it seems she’s being.

Or to put it another way, if all you want to do is enjoy the pop music and dance without digging too deep into the lyrics — Rihanna’s always been your girl. And that doesn’t change on Unapologetic, despite the fact that she seems to be writing from the heart (misguided as it may be).

So it should be no surprise that despite fun contributions from guest stars like Eminem, Mikky Ekko, Future, and an uncredited Kanye West – that the albums brightest moment is the duet with Brown. The rest of the album features shifting beats and influences, but what you find time and again is Rihanna’s smoky-eyed delivery keeping a moody shadow over things until Brown shows up doing his MJ-copycat thing (what a shock) which seems to bring out a brighter edge to her delivery.

Whether it’s an honest reaction or a production trick — there’s a clear difference in the vibe of all the songs that are about Chris Brown and the one where they’re singing together. I hate to admit it, but it’s easily the catchiest song on the disc.

In the end Unapologetic is a fun little dance album — but without all of this subtext thickening the batter it’s hard to say that it’s anything truly unique or special. And yet, with so much hype all around I’m not really sure that’s what anyone’s looking for. Or to put it another way – this is an album that feeds the beast to keep it alive, not one that changes it’s diet to help it grow.

See what you think, here’s “Diamonds”

and here’s “Nobody’s Business” featuring guest vocals by an abusive douchebag.

A couple and their teenage son have been swept to their deaths while trying to save their dog from the sea – as their daughter and son’s girlfriend watched helplessly from the shore.

Mary Elena Scott, 57, and Howard Gregory Kuljian, 54, both drowned in the tragedy on Saturday afternoon at Big Lagoon, a beach by Eureka, which is 300 miles north of San Fransisco in California.

A massive search for their son, Gregory James Kuljian, has now been called off, authorities said. He has not been found and is presumed dead. The dog climbed out of the water on its own.

The tragedy unfolded after 10-foot waves pulled the family’s beloved dog into the sea as it chased a thrown stick, and Gregory, known as ‘Geddie’ to his friends, ran in to save him.

Watching his son running towards the powerful waves, Mr Kuljian followed, said Dana Jones, a state Parks and Recreation district superintendent.

The teenager was able to get out, but when he didn’t see his father, he and his mother went back into the water looking for him.

‘Both were dragged into the ocean,’ Jones added.

The couple’s daughter, 18-year-old Olivia, and Gregory’s girlfriend watched the horrifying ordeal from the beach.

A nearby bystander called 911 at 12.40pm to report that the trio was in trouble – but by the time help arrived, nothing could be done.

Ms Jones said a park ranger who was alerted to the incident had to run a half mile to get to the beach because his car wasn’t made to handle the terrain.

When he arrived, he wasn’t able to get to them because of the high surf, she said.

Rescuers eventually retrieved Ms Scott’s body from the water, while her husband’s body washed up on the shore.

The Coast Guard deployed a helicopter and two motor life boats to search for the teenager, but the aerial search was suspended by 7pm on Saturday due to thick coastal fog.

Helicopters remained on standby and U.S. Coast Guard officials planned to continue searching in the dark if the fog lifted. Two 47-foot motor life boats were also on the scene searching for the teenager.

The search continued on Sunday with no further discoveries.

By Monday, the search had been called off, but the local Sheriff’s department is periodically checking along the coast for any sign of the boy, Coast Guard Lt. Bernie Garrigan told MailOnline.

Speaking to the Associated Press, he added that the search was stopped as a person without a wetsuit could not survive for long in the cold water.

Signs are posted near the beach parking lot warning families about ‘sneaker waves’ – swells that seemingly appear from nowhere and smash onto the beach, Garrigan said.

‘Because the beach is designed that way, when that 10-foot wall breaks, it surges up on the beach and surges back really fast,’ he said. ‘It’s like a cyclical washing machine.’

Friends flocked to Facebook to remember the family, and launched an event, ‘Wear Green for Geddie’ encouraging the teenager’s schoolmates to wear green to school in remembrance.

Ian Johnson, who created the page, added: ‘Geddie was one of the best people on this earth. His whole family was so nice and I haven’t met or heard of a single person who didn’t like him.

‘Geddie was just the funniest, nicest, most amiable person that I could ever hope to have met.’

The family lives in Freshwater, Eureka in California. Online records show that Howard Kuljian was a 2010 graduate student and teacher at the Department of Forestry at Humboldt State University. [source]

People know how much I have come to love and cherish our new cat, known to all as Ms Pinky-Pie. The four legged terror of the kingdom of WannaSlaus. We love that cat, that is our lil baby boo.  But please believe if she her found her little kitty-azz in the ocean trying to break free from waves, know that she would just be dead azz dead on her OWN. I’m not risking my gatdamn life to save ANY animal, people.  Hell, I’m not risking my life to save another human being either that wasn’t my own wife or child, let alone an animal. CALL me a punk and a bytch. CALL me a heartless spawn of a whore. I’ll be that….. and i’ll be alive to give zero fuggs also.

I’m sorry but stories like this, and they have been all two familiar in the past year, remind me that I need to make sure my children understand the damn boundaries and rational logical thinking when it comes to pets and animal family members.  Make sure they understand that as much as we might love the furry members of our family, please believe they are still just a damn animal…and we can always get another. I’d rather grieve over a lost pet than a lost child.

My heart seriously goes out to the surviving daughter though.   I can not even fathom enduring what she is having to go through…… over a damn dog.

WHO SURVIVED!!!!!!!