Things That Make Me Giggle

Simpson's Family Christmas Cards

2011-12-21T14:53:00.001-04:00

"Simpson's Family Christmas Cards"

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Funny Windows Error Messages

2011-12-18T12:09:00.001-04:00

"Picnik Show"

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Christmas Song Parodies

2011-12-18T11:00:00.001-04:00

The Morbid, The Bad And The Silly

Some of the silly Christmas Song parodies I remember from elementary school.

We Tree Kings

We three kings of Orient are,
Puffing on a rubber cigar.
It was loaded,
it exploded.
BANG!

We two kings of Orient are,
Puffing on a rubber cigar
It was loaded,
it exploded.
BANG!

I one king of Orient are,
Puffing on a rubber cigar
It was loaded,
it exploded.
BANG!

Deck The Halls

Deck the halls with gasoline.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Light a match & watch it gleam.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now your school is down in ashes.
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Deck the halls with dynamite.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Press the plunger, see the lights.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now your school's a bunch of rubble.
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Aren't you glad you stirred up trouble?
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Joy To The World

Joy to the world, the school burned down
and all the teachers died!
We're looking for the principal
he's hanging from the flagpole
a noose around his neck, a noose a around his neck...

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, shotgun shells,
Santa Claus is dead
Rudolph took a 44
and shot him in the head

Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll
tried to save his life
GI Joe, GI Joe
stabbed him her with a knife

Guidelines for Cats

2011-09-11T18:35:00.001-03:00

Doors
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

Bathrooms
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Play
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

Cat Games

Catch Mouse
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

King of the Hill
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Warning Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.

When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

Paper Bags
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the "direct stare", and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

Sleeping
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching Posts
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Humans
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

Cats as Humanitarians
Humans have a very tenuous hold on reality and it is up to the cats to help them maintain their grasp on said reality. For instance, humans often speak to imaginary friends while holding a small object up to their ear, with no other humans in sight, obviously losing touch with the real world! A cat must put a stop to this as quickly as possible! Climb on the human and get your face right up in theirs and meow very loudly until the human acknowledges you, therefore bringing them back to reality. If that fails, you can use the top of your head to try and knock the small object out of their hand/away from their ear, which almost always succeeds in stopping their talking to thin air.

Human Inconsistency
Humans spend many hours sitting in front of a box with moving pictures, tapping tiny squares on a board with their fingertips...it is rumored that this is actually how humans sharpen their claws! Considering how sanctimonious they are when they catch cats sharpening their claws, humans obviously need a lesson in consistency. One of the best ways to do this is to walk on the board with the tiny squares...that will always get a huge reaction from the human, a good indication that you're actually teaching them something! If that doesn't work, lay on the board or throw up a furball on it! There's no good reason why humans should be allowed to sharpen their claws while forbidding cats to do so!

Cat Speak
Humans will sometimes try to speak in cat language, attempting to 'meow' at you while having no real idea what they're saying! Cats can either meow back and try and fool the human into thinking that there is a real connection going on, or they can stare at the human with a puzzled look on their face...after all, the human just told you that your mother was the whore of every tomcat in town! Did they mean that or did they simply not understand the implications of their attempting to meow? It's hard to say, as the level of human advancement in this area is very limited...about the only 'cat speak' they actually understand is "I'm starving" and "Let me out...NOW!" If they have truly insulted you or your family, feel free to either tell them how stupid they are in cat language or walk away indignantly.

The Eternal Question
When faced with the age-old question, "Is it love, or is it Fancy Feast?", we all know that it is Fancy Feast, of course. However, it is absolutely crucial that cats not let the humans know this, or the humans might stop sharing this treat with us! Always convince the human that your sudden, intense attention showered on them is LOVE! You can go back to normal behaviour after the treat has been consumed!

SOURCE

Questionably Random

2011-08-16T07:41:00.001-03:00

Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?

Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

What do you call a female daddy long legs?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

Can people without hands get a grip?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?

If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

Why are boxing rings square?

Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?

Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do birds have white poop?

Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

Do sore thumbs really stick out?

Why is it when you're almost dead you're on deaths doorstep, but when you're actually dead your not in deaths house?

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" ?

If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Can blind people see their dreams?

What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around now?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?

Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

Why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?

If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?

How can you hear yourself think?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

How does santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?

If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

Why are turds pinched off at the end?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

What would you use to dilute water?

What should one call a male ladybird?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

If so, how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If God sneezes...what should you say?

If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you take a shower, where do you put it?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is there a Dr. Salt?

Isn't hot water already hot?

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 ups?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

What is the speed of dark?

What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

What's another word for synonym?

When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?

When people lose weight, where does it go?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Who invented accents?

Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?

Why do bars advertise live bands?

What does a dead band sound like?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

Why do guys wear underpants?

Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we have hot water heaters?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don't you ever see baby pigions?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

Have ex-punsters been expunged?

SOURCE

In Case Of Emergency, Consult Parodies

2011-08-16T07:09:00.001-03:00

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.

People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.

Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

No pyromaniacs admitted.

A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.

That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.

The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.

If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.

If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.

If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.

After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.

Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.

"Wash your hands" of traditional long distance telephone providers.

Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground' rave in the shelter.

In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.

In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.

There is a reason you failed chemistry.

Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.

If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.

Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
   - individual dose
   - family value size
   - neighborhood spray pump size
   - supersize!

Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.

When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

Source

Testicle Cherry

2011-07-24T19:27:00.001-03:00

Jimmy and Justin Timberlake History of Rap, Part II

2011-07-20T12:32:00.001-03:00

We’re Expecting Grey Skies and Rapture

2011-05-22T20:38:00.001-03:00

The most AWESOME weather report EVER!!!!

Click on image to enlarge

Dear Son, No $ For You

2011-05-17T20:53:00.001-03:00

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Source

The Case Of The Pregnant Woman

2011-05-14T23:59:00.001-03:00

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Hamlets Facebook Feed

2011-03-06T13:56:00.002-04:00

Click On Image To Enlarge

Source

Facebook 1976

2011-02-18T17:18:00.001-04:00

What Facebook would have looked like the year I was born!

Click On Image Above To Enlarge

Source

HOW TO GET RID OF A ROOMMATE

2011-02-03T19:43:00.001-04:00

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him before he goes to class/ work.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and
fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then,
one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing,
get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore"

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the
book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
for about fifteen minutes. Then. pretend to wipe out and fall off the
bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate
comes over to rescue you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday.
Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of
ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the
empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug in the
toaster. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain
that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests
plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire safety.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you are going
away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes.
If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him something, go to another room and call him on the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go
to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie
on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging
sounds, until he gets it for you.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam dance with your roommate. If he asks
about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see
you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then
jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing
beans". Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can,
and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your
roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with
you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns
until he pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head
with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings.

20. Wear glasses and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
into walls and floors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's
That?"every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing
the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements
with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a
connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell
your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!"

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gasses". Look at them often. One day, act
surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released
one of the gasses. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him and knock him down. Apologize and
say that he, "looked like the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

26. Stick you head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
head crashes through the glass. Then say, "SILLY ME," open the
window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your
head on something and fall to the ground in pain.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
upon sight If he refuses, insist that he do 100 push-ups. Keep
saying thins like, "your momma isn't here to take care of you
anymore!"

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add
to it, and say things like, "in a little while I'll have enough for
that sailboat!"

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate
inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me
and the bunny."

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message
from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved
one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Source

Honest Food Preparations Instructions

2011-01-23T12:47:00.001-04:00

Honest Food Prep Instructions

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Source

Robert Pattinson and Susan Boyle, Son and Mother?

2011-01-05T23:33:00.001-04:00

Unbeknown to him Robert Pattinson was progeny of Susan Boyle!...lol...

The Jersey Shore Situation

2011-01-02T14:01:00.001-04:00

The Jersey Shore Situation

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When you watch The Jersey Shore the douchebags win.

If Superheroes Were Hipsters

2010-12-30T22:57:00.001-04:00

Holiday Spoof Movie Posters

2010-12-21T12:34:00.001-04:00

Source

Holiday Spoof Movie Posters

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Six Silly Ways To Meet a Man

2010-11-30T11:20:00.001-04:00

By Angela2BPecked

1.Stand in the middle of the road until a man stops to tell you off.Quickly look for a wedding band on his finger.If there isn't one hop in his car and refuse to get out until he loves you and marries you.

2.Become a frequent customer at the local porn shop.There are lots of men there.

3.Stop going to the ladies room (all you meet there are women) and start going to the men's room.Not only will you meet men but you will also know what is under the hood.

4.Go to AA even if you are not an alcoholic.The newer male members are very venerable (hint).Not to be mistaken with AAA,but there are men there too (and they have cars).

5.Set up a kissing booth at your local bait and tackle shop.

6.Sit in the refrigerated section of the local liquor sales establishment,and when a cutie pie comes in for his six pack say."You are the 100,000,000 the customer to buy this brand of beer,and you win me!".

*Something I wrote at around 5 in the morning a few years back after only about 3 hours sleep.

Funny Signs From the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

2010-11-14T10:27:00.001-04:00

Funny Signs From the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

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Via Funny Or Die

Social Networking Humour

2010-11-13T20:50:00.001-04:00

View more presentations from Cherie Dargan.

Better Get Your Shots

2010-11-06T23:44:00.001-03:00

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked,"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

The Rejection Letter Rejection Letter

2010-11-03T09:00:00.000-03:00

Awkward Response

2010-11-02T18:40:00.001-03:00

I do this all the time and I did it more than once when people told me to have a great wedding day!...lol...