Ok, so we all know how stressed I feel about bringing my 9 month old baby to BlissDom tomorrow, but do you know what I’m not stressed about for the first time ever at a blogging conference?

My appearance.

I weigh 20lbs less than I did when I bought my ticket to BlissDom in December. 20 freaking pounds! When I set out to pack clothes for this trip, it was so very different than packing for conferences has been in the past for me. I’m not worried about ‘muffin top’ on my jeans because they’re all too big anyway (except my new black skinny jeans. O how I love my black skinny jeans). I bought 2 new shirts that I feel cute and comfortable in without having to search very hard. I even went out and bought a new bra because there’s no way to lose 20lbs and not need a new bra. (true story.)

I found myself easily able to put together several outfits which don’t make me feel at all self-conscious. But honestly, it’s more than that. I feel comfortable in the body onto which I am putting those clothes.

That’s not to say that I’m done losing my weight. Ooooo no, this journey is not over (not even half over), but to weigh less than I have since getting pregnant with OBrother? O my lanta does it ever feel good.

At this, my 6th blogging conference, I am bringing 20 fewer pounds of weight, but so, so much more than that in new confidence.

My Journey to Health:

February 21, 2012: 167lbs

January 30, 2012: 174lbs

December 30, 2011, 187 lbs

20 lbs lost!

This week I will be flying to Nashville for 5 days of BlissDom, an awesome social media conference… with my 9 month old baby boy.

When I bought my ticket and flights, I felt brave and empowered. Look at me, blogging world, I’m so dedicated to breastfeeding, babywearing, and attachment parenting that I bring my babies with me around the country. Huzzah!

But lately I am nothing short of frightened at the thought of traveling and being alone with my (unpredictable) kiddo at an event that I would, you know, actually like to be able to attend. Will he nap? Will he be quiet so I can hear the sessions I’m paying to attend? Will he let me sit and eat? Will he be bored? Will he sleep at night? Will he keep my roommate and her baby up? Will I get frustrated and steaming mad and want to just be home instead of in some strange hotel in another state?

Will I even enjoy myself?

The anxiety about this hasn’t come overnight. What started out as optimism and excitement – that I wouldn’t have to miss another BlissDom conference, that my roommate (the sweet Kim of Prairie Mama) and her baby would be in it with me, that so many awesome friends are going to be there – has degraded into fear.

I would have a long day with OBrother, he would get irritated that he didn’t get to nap in his crib, and I would start wondering how it would go in Nashville. He started getting teeth and learned to stand (see these circles under my eyes? I haven’t slept well in weeks) and in the wee hours of the morning I think about Nashville. Then it got to the point where every poor nap and every fussy afternoon became another reason why BlissDom was going to be stressful, which meant that fussiness from my baby then became fussiness from my baby and a going-to-be-ruined conference.

You guys. Anxiety is the devil’s playground.

I’ve been researching, preparing, packing, and losing so much precious sleep. Do you want to know what I stayed up thinking about last night? Well, do you?

What tote/purse/diaper bag/backpack should I bring? Because, I mean, I won’t be able to wear my diaper bag as a backpack because I will mostly be wearing OBrother in the ergo which is a pack, and I don’t like the shoulder straps on my diaper bag so that’s kind of out. I could bring my purse but that isn’t going to be big enough for a change of baby clothes plus diapering stuff plus MY stuff. My tote bag is big but it isn’t very structured, so when I set it on the ground it tips over and spills…

I think myself in these anxious little circles, like my dog before she commits to laying down in a certain spot. Around and around and around…

Diaper bag? Purse? Tote?

Ballet flats? Wedges? Riding boots?

Ring sling? Ergo? Stroller?

Laptop? Tablet? Paper and pen?

At 12:20am last night, after a sweat-inducing hour and a half of uselessly rolling potential situations around in my head, I had had enough. It suddenly occurred to me to let it go. Let each of these individual scenarios go as they come to mind. Now, letting go is easier said than done (thought?), so I made a mental exercise out of it. Each time an anxious thought  arrived in the forefront of my mind – which camera lens should I bring? – I literally pictured myself taking that object or situation and laying it down at God’s feet. I lay it there, and, here’s the important part, I pictured myself removing my hands from the object now sitting on the ground before my Heavenly Father.

O, sweet relief!

Can I be honest with you? A lot of my postpartum mental health issues were (are) anxiety centered. I have sat on a couch or three talking about this very thing as it related to my babies and my ability to parent. Anxiety and I are oft companions. But this? This mind’s-eye setting down of my worries and watching myself loose my grasp and leave them there, earth-bound at the Creator’s feet?

It has been a breakthrough for me.

{image source}

Way back when, when I started training for a half marathon and exercising regularly, I made a list. The list is of rewards that I will earn at each major weight loss milestone. In other words, I made this list in August. Exercising, doing crossfit workouts 2x a week, running 15+ miles a week… month after month… and I didn’t meet a single milestone. The list sat there, none of the goals met, none of the rewards received.

…until I started Medifast in late December. Now I have 3 Medifast meals and 3 regular meals a day, and I also am still running about 10 miles a week. Pound after pound (after pound), I made my way (weigh? Ba dum ch!) to the first milestone weight – 170lbs.

I saw 170 on the scale this Monday! My reward for hitting 170lbs was getting a massage (awesome, right?) so that very day I called and made an appointment (with a coupon, of course) to be pampered, and the appointment was last night. After having “170 – massage” written on my goals list for 6 months, I finally, finally, FINALLY got to check it off AND to reward myself. It felt so good – the massage and the achievement.

{it was like this, only, you know, different.}

Every 10lbs from here on out has a reward associated with it (but shhh… they’re my secret until they happen!), besides the intrinsic reward of getting my body back. The effort, the time, the discipline it’s taking to choose health, exercise, and have self-control have been demanding, but having a goals and rewards list is so encouraging (especially when I can actually reach the goals thanks to Medifast.)

Another reward? All of the sweet and encouraging comments on recent posts that include pictures or video of me. (PS I totally agree, y’all. My face is showing the weight loss. Loving it!)

My Journey to Health:

February 17, 2012: 170lbs

January 30, 2012: 174lbs

December 30, 2011, 187 lbs

17 lbs lost!

Buddy. Please don’t run while you’re carrying a stick. You need to walk.

OBoy, listen to me. I don’t want you to fall and have a big owie.

Uh oh.

Hmmm… what happened, buddy?

I have too.

I want to use that space to get the word out to my friends and readers (who are friends I just haven’t met yet) about small businesses and handmade shops. Do you have one of those? Awesome. Let’s connect.

(You will find my prices really really reasonable. And by reasonable I mean inexpensive. I wrote candidly about the reasoning behind  my affordable prices on my advertising page.)

I look forward to using this platform to promote your shop (and happy Wednesday)!

I think I’m in a really bad place today when it comes to choosing health and my Medifast journey, so, you should probably take this post with a grain of salt.

Or maybe something with less sodium. A grain of potassium chloride? Anyway.

I have lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe it’s because I’m only down one pound this week, my lowest loss since I started my journey. Maybe it’s because I lost that pound right away this week and have been staring at the same number for 6 days. (To be honest, I didn’t post my weight update yesterday because I was SURE I would see that lower number this morning. Alas, no. 173 it is. Again.)

Maybe it’s because I’m waiting on my next order of Medifast meals to come and in the meantime I’m down to my not-so-favorite meals (a couple of soups, soft serve, and shakes. None of them have any crunch to them. I like crunch).

Maybe it’s because on a date night (eating out) and at our Superbowl party I had to say ‘no’ to things I really, really wanted. Maybe it was just a hard week.

I feel like I will have to turn away every decadent treat for the rest of my life, which is not true, but it feels like it when you’re 14lbs and 6 weeks in with 33lbs (and WHO KNOWS HOW LONG) still to go. I know in my head that every time I say ‘no’ to that dessert or make a healthy snacking choice when I’d rather make a poor one, that it is a victory but in my heart (and stomach) it feels like a loss. You know what I mean?

I could wrap up with “slow and steady” or “eyes on the prize” or some other motivating cliche, but I’m really not feeling it. If you need me, I’ll be over here eating my spinach salad with fat-free dressing for lunch when what I’d really like to be having is macaroni and cheese with bacon in it (I’m looking at you, Noodles and Company).

My Journey to Health:

February 7, 2012: 173lbs

January 30, 2012: 174lbs

December 30, 2011, 187 lbs

14 lbs lost!

I’m not sure why, but talking about money especially when it includes numbers, gives people the heebie jeebies. If you are one of such people, I suggest you avert your eyes. This blog will always be a place where I can be honest and just because it’s about m-o-n-e-y doesn’t mean that is going to change. M’kay? M’kay.

DanO and I set a goal to put $10,000 extra (as in, above our monthly payments) dollars toward our student loan debt in 2012. I might have mentioned it once or twice or seventy-three times that we are following Dave Ramsey’s plan for living within a budget (cash system) and paying down our debt using the snowball method.

You guys? It’s the second week of February and we are almost to our goal.

Yea, Imma have to repeat that.

It is only FEBRUARY and we have put almost $10,000 toward our debt!

Dan’s bonus, Christmas gifts, profit from our small business (O Family Media: this blog, Picket Fence Blogs, Dan’s side web development jobs, photography, etc.), cash left over at the end of the month, a generous check from family “to help with your loans”, money saved from life and health insurances which we switched to lower premiums… it’s like God has busted out the steam roller and is literally paving the way in front of us to kick our debt in it’s proverbial butt. It doesn’t even stop there. Next month is ‘extra paycheck month’ (three paydays in a month, but our monthly budget only accounts for 2… so that extra check is being thrown at our debt!), plus tax season is coming and we had a baby last year (see also: rebate).

Have you ever had that happen? Where you see something and God makes it so impossibly clear that you are called to do it that you couldn’t close your eyes hard enough not to see His leading? Financial or otherwise, I love this. I love knowing that we are doing what is what we are supposed to be doing and God will stop at nothing to make it possible if we just be faithful.

I can see how you could be reading this right now and think Why on earth would God care so deeply about personal finances? I get it, I really do. Maybe it’s just DanO and I working hard, finding cash practically under our couch cushions. Maybe this is actually our doing and God is all for it, but it’s not really worth His hard earned miracles, you know? Would you allow me to share why I think He cares and is going before us so extravagantly?

First let me share the following: I know we’re not the only Americans who can say this, but DanO and my debt is not small. We both went to an expensive private Christian college where financial aid was minimal to those with upper-middle class parents. There was even a FAFSA snafu one year that resulted in me taking out private loans (which have much higher interest rates) instead of federal ones. It’s kind of ugly. All this to say that every month for the last 3.5 years we have paid nearly a mortgage worth in debt payments. I wish I were exaggerating. Our monthly mortgage and our monthly student loan payment amounts are not very different.

Knowing that, that we could practically  buy a second house with our debt payments each month, I think God is very interested in how we handle our resources as it relates to this debt.

In a phrase: Think of how generous we could be with that much extra money every month.

I’m serious. DanO and I are not taking this task lightly and we don’t see our ultimate goal as simply paying off our debt. Our ultimate goal is to be faithful with our money, always. Right now that looks like throwing every extra penny at debt, but when this stage is over, who knows what it will look like.

Will it look like tithing in a way we never thought possible? Will it look like supporting adoptions? Will it look like seeing the needs of strangers and being able to meet them? We don’t know what we will be called to do with a mortgage worth of income every month, but based on how things are going so far, I think it might be something big.

Slivers of moonlight whisper through the windows and across our white down comforter to find us cuddled up, curve to cove, cove to curve, just has we have every night of his life. He nurses and sighs, sighs and nurses. One chubby hand grasps at my chin, my pendant, my lips. Groggy eyes search for something to distract and land on the slivered moonlight, then find my own. He cracks a smile, which breaks his latch. Joy and peace and grace this moment is. I look down through the mostly dark at the curve of his smiling eyes which disappear on account of his cheeks. He latches again and settles in, muscles relaxing.

In the quiet I can hear his swallows and my thoughts. How is this even possible, all this? This, my body creating and sustaining another body? A gift, this boy full of smiles and babbles who fits perfectly into this family like he fits in this cradle hold. How intricately we are known and made, that we could possibly be woven together this perfectly.

His swallows slow, then pause, his eyes now closed.

This moment, this joy and peace and grace. I want to grab it all and cling to it because it fades, O, Lord do I know how it fades. Last night, was it? that I laid on this bed with another nursing baby who somehow this morning I awoke to find a two-and-a-half year old who hasn’t nursed in over a year.

Stay, moonlight. I whisper back into the silence. Stay, joy and peace and grace. Stay, sweet, soft, warm nursling. Stay. I know it’s in vain, but it bears asking.

These moments, they drift off and away as quickly as my baby, filled with warm milk, drifts into sound sleep. It hurts, almost, to know I will miss this even before it is over. But this is the risky proposition of motherhood, to allow oneself to experience the greatest joys and sweetest moments knowing that they will not stay.

My only consolation is this: the moments that come swift at their tails will be joy and peace and grace all their own.

I made a little video this morning in response to BlissDom Speaks‘ prompt this week: How do you hope BlissDom changes you? Enjoy!