As a white woman, I recognize my privilege in being able to witness this horrific injustice and not experience it. I recognize that this brutality is only one aspect of the systemic racism Black people in this country experience.

I am especially aware, as a therapist, that Black people in this country are dealing with extensive trauma. The grief must feel unbearable. You deserve to feel safe, to feel heard and to feel valued.

I am taking a stand and I am committed to being an ally to the Black community.

This work to become anti-racist is work I’ve begun. For me, the journey started some years ago with the recognition of my white privilege and the safety, affirmation and opportunities it has provided me. But there is so much more to be done. For me, the next steps are:

• Reading White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo.White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo.
• Watching and sharing the link for this. All ad revenue goes to Black Lives Matter.
• Researching and spending money at Black owned businesses.
• Donating money and time to help Black people access therapy.
• Getting out of my comfort zone when an opportunity to ally appears.

I welcome feedback and suggestions. I would also encourage all of us to acknowledge the deep trauma our Black community is experiencing and to offer kindness, gentleness, advocacy and support.

The post Taking a Stand appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

I’m finding that in this stressful time my clients are valuing even more the time they set aside for us to focus on their individual experiences and fears. We process through the emotions they are often too busy to deal with while putting together plans to do more than just get through their days.

In our work together we’ve found the following to be helpful:

• Focusing on self compassion and healthy coping strategies.
• Understanding one’s individual stress/trauma response and how this is being triggered right now.
• Alleviating anxiety through specific coping mechanisms.
• Planning for self care and the resistance that often comes up when we try to practice it.
• Exploring options—this may include job/career options as well as support systems that may be available.
• Working through relationship issues.

Whether therapy is a good fit for you right now or not, I feel strongly that we must prepare ourselves for whatever comes next in this unprecedented time by learning to nurture ourselves well both physically and emotionally. Check out this article for more information on how to care for yourself well.

The post How Can Therapy Help Right Now? appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Napping counts as self care

Our world has changed.

If we are to meet the coming challenges we must have internal resources to draw upon, both emotional and physical.

The only way to build and maintain these resources is to care for ourselves well.

Self care is our first and most important task. We are all experiencing significant stress, we must care for ourselves in ways that honor the impact this stress has on our emotional and physical health.

We are grieving losses we’re experiencing and those to come, we are struggling with new financial realities and the pain of watching others struggle while our hands are tied.

The stress we are living with is unsustainable without a consistent and effective self care plan.

Try to include each of the following in your plan in whatever way works best for you.

Rest. Make time for rest, even if you must schedule it. And be sure it’s something that feels restful for you.

Eat regularly and well. Do not stress about what you’re eating right now. Do your best to eat things you enjoy that make your body feel good.

Move your body. Walk around the block or house walk. There are lots of workouts to choose from on YouTube, but you can also do something as simple as stretching.

Reach out to someone. Share your feelings with the people in your life that are supportive and nurturing. Do not feel you must keep it all in or always be the strong one. We humans value vulnerability in others. It makes us feel that our feelings are okay, too.

Go outside (as long as this is allowed where you are). If you can’t go outside, spend some time near a window, preferably when the sun’s out.

Be prepared for resistance. Self care doesn’t come naturally to many of us, even less so when we’re under stress. It may not feel okay at first to schedule self care into your routine when you could be doing something “more productive”. That’s okay, persevere. It will get easier with practice.

For me, I’m making sure to contain my work to certain hours. As those of us who can are working from home we are finding more than ever that work expands to fill all the time we give it.

I’m walking outside with my dogs and my family once a day.

I’m reaching out to others, checking on them, sharing my worries and concerns and inviting them to do the same.

Rest is a tough one for me in times of stress so I’m making sure to go to bed as early as possible and I’m setting aside time each day to read something light.

I’m journaling regularly. This helps me process a lot of what I’m feeling. It also helps me give dedicated time and space to those feelings so they aren’t ever present throughout the day.

Please share in the comment section how you’re caring for yourself right now and/or the resistance you experience when attempting self care.

The post Why Self Care Is The Most Important Thing Right Now appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Even if you were raised in a feminist household, you still grew up in a society where men are predominantly the ones in power; they are even largely in control of what you can and can’t do with your own body.

As a heterosexual woman, you may sometimes feel unease with your partner’s comments or behavior, and you may wonder how to address these issues without driving a wedge between the two of you.

First, it’s important to note that your partner also grew up in a patriarchal society. More than likely, your partner is not purposely trying to oppress, control, or offend you. For him, this is just “how things are,” it’s neither good nor bad. It’s up to you to identify the specific problems, and articulate how it affects you and your relationship with your partner.

There are several issues in relationships that must be navigated, such as sex, finances, housework, meals, and disagreements, among others. When problems surface that you believe are rooted in antiquated gender roles, for example you are always expected to prepare meals, challenge those expectations. Let them know that cooking and meal preparation needs to be equally divided.

When addressing sexist comments and discussing the issue of sexism, it’s important use a tone and language that your partner will respond best to. You know your partner well, so do your best to remain factual and sincere while being diplomatic. It will be awkward to discuss, but keep in mind that your relationship needs to be a strong and equal partnership. You should both feel comfortable talking to each other about problems in order for your relationship to succeed.

While these discussions are never easy, how your partner reacts to these difficult topics will tell you everything you need to know about their character. It’s vital to the success of your relationship, and to your mental health, that you’re able to negotiate mutual respect and understanding with your partner.

Are you in a relationship and having trouble communicating with your partner? Our specially trained staff can help you find ways to improve communication and better your relationship. Call our office today to set up a time to talk.

The post How to Address Your Partner’s Sexist Behavior or Comments appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

While it is challenging to be a survivor of abuse, the journey to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. No matter if the abuse you endured was recent or long ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with what still affects you today.

1. Quality Sleep

Ensuring you have adequate sleep on a nightly basis is an essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health. Fundamentally, your body needs regular rest to operate properly. A good night’s sleep will uplift your mood and energy, improve your memory and help keep stress levels at a minimum.

2. Meditate

Setting aside just five to ten minutes a day for some quiet reflection can help boost your immune system, manage stress, help you focus, and boost your mood, to name just a few of the many health benefits. Find an easy or beginner meditation to follow with a Google search, smartphone app, or the free meditation exercises available on YouTube.

3. Exercise

Finding some forms of enjoyable exercise will help you feel more energized. Exercise is also a great physical outlet to release pent-up emotions you likely have as a result of your abuse or trauma. Try taking up walking, jogging, yoga or anything you enjoy. Don’t force yourself to do anything wholly unpleasant or push yourself too hard; exercise is an act of self-care, not a punishment.

4. Positive Affirmations

It’s all too common for abuse survivors to feel shame about it and blame themselves; for that reason, it’s important to program yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. You can tell yourself, for example: “I am valuable,” “I am worthy,” “I am capable,” “I am strong,” “I am intelligent.” Pinpoint negative self-talk and counter those thoughts with positive affirmations.

5. Support

Engage your support system by calling a friend or family member, joining a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey.

Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.

SOURCES

The post 5 Daily Self-Care Exercises for Survivors of Abuse appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Anger is a normal human emotion.

Just like any other emotion, it gives us information. It tells us something needs to be different either externally or internally.

It is possible to feel angry and make a choice to honor our feelings and advocate for ourselves while being respectful toward others. 

Sometimes, the feeling of anger gets mixed up with behaviors we don’t feel good about. We may believe that we lash out because we’re angry, but really our feelings and our behavior are separate.

 So how can counseling help?

Counseling teaches us how to create space between our feelings and our behavior. We start by asking questions:

• When do you find yourself feeling angry?

• What do you do when you’re angry?

• How do you feel when someone you care about is angry with you?

• How did your family of origin handle anger?

• How do you want to handle your anger?

We also begin to explore boundaries. Anger often originates when a boundary is tripped. We explore what boundaries look like for you:

• What do you want from your relationships that you’re not getting?

• What are you giving to your relationships and does it feel like too much?

• How comfortable are you with asking for what you need/want in your relationships?

• Do you try to anticipate what others might need from you?

• Do you feel like you can’t get what you need from others no matter how hard you try?

As we answer these questions we begin to get a sense of where the anger comes from and what boundaries might be set differently to catch frustration, disappointment and sadness before they become full blown anger.

Anger management is about learning to set our lives up in such a way that we set healthy boundaries, advocate for ourselves and incorporate new tools for dealing with anger. This ultimately makes us feel better about ourselves and brings us closer to the people we love.

Bio: Tara Laxson, LPC, NCC is the owner of Oak Cliff Counseling in Dallas, Texas.

The post How Counseling Helps With Anger appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Whether you are struggling with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, relationship troubles, parenting challenges, gender identity, issues around sexuality or self esteem, you are not alone. And now, more than ever, is the time to reach out. Our struggles often feel so personal and raw that we retreat inward. We nurse our wounds as best we can never recognizing that the key to healing is coming out into the light.

I want to gently encourage you to reach out if you are hurting. There are people all around you who want to help. Whatever issues you are facing, I can guarantee that someone else has been there and come out stronger, healthier and happier on the other side. It is our experiences of hurting, struggling and making it through that allow us to extend a hand to help someone going through it all just behind us.

There are organizations that support the issues I listed, and many others that support the ones I haven’t listed. Here are a few:

Texas Parent 2 Parent (a list of resources for parents and caregivers of children with a chronic illness, disability of special need http://www.txp2p.org/resources/

Warm Line (a free phone service available to parents and caregivers 9 am to 3 pm. Volunteers are available to provide friendly support, helpful suggestions, resources and developmental facts) http://www.dallasparents.org/warmline.html

DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) Online support groups http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_Online_Support_Groups

Youth First Texas (providing group interaction and individual support for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning youth) http://www.youthfirsttexas.com/index.html

Renee Baker, LPC, (list of a variety of Trans Organizations in Dallas) http://www.renee-baker.com/transgender-counseling-dallas/transgender-group/

You may also find individual or relationship counseling helpful. Counseling provides a safe place and a safe partner to explore the issues that are keeping you from having the life you want.

If you are looking for counseling fees set on a sliding scale, the University of North Texas Dallas campus has an excellent counseling clinic available to the public, http://www.untdallas.edu/ccc. They provide individual, couples and adolescent counseling as well as play therapy. Evening hours are available.

Please let me know how I can help.

The post When You Feel Alone appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Healthy emotional boundaries keep us mindful of our responsibility to ourselves and keep us from feeling responsible for others’ feelings.

They let us know who we should let in (and just how far) and who we should keep out.

It can be difficult to envision healthy emotional boundaries, so I like to think of them as different barriers within a gated community.

Imagine yourself living in a beautiful and well protected gated community. You live in a warm and cozy house. This is the place you feel safest. The people you invite into your emotional home are the people you most enjoy. They love you and you love them. When you’re with them you feel good, accepted and understood.

The next boundary in your neighborhood is your front porch. Imagine yourself greeting someone at the door of your home. You close the door behind you and  invite them to visit with you in a space on your front porch. This space feels less vulnerable and open than your home.

 This space may be reserved for people you don’t know well. Or people who have a tendency toward the negative. These people may be more critical or judgmental than the people you invite into your home. They may use manipulation and guilt to get from you what they want. By keeping them outside your home, you stay more cognizant of your boundaries and aware of red flags that may come up as you interact.

Now, you take a short walk to the perimeter of your neighborhood. You wave to the security guard and she opens the gate for you. You greet your next visitor warmly but with reserve. You know this person. She seems to really care for you, and yet, you always feel bad after spending time with her. So you talk with her for a bit, keeping the conversation light and superficial. She hints that she would like to visit you in your home, or at least your front porch. But you know better.

You hold your boundary politely, but firmly. You are actively guarding against manipulation, shaming, guilting and blame in this interaction. This comes quite naturally to you here at the gate.  You are conscious of your feelings, your communication and what you choose to own in this interaction.

The next day, you are having coffee and reading the paper when your security guard buzzes you. There is someone here to see you. It’s someone you know well. In fact, you have a long history together. This person has been abusive to you. You’ve attempted to share your feelings with this person before. You’ve tried to let them know what it was like for you to be abused by someone you loved and trusted. This did not go well. This person became angry and blamed you for the abuse.

You recall your experiences with this person and inform the security guard that you are not taking visitors today. Your security guard shares this information with your visitor and you go on with your coffee and paper.

Guilt begins to creep in. Maybe this person only wants to talk with you, or apologize even. But you remind yourself that you are responsible for protecting yourself emotionally and you are not responsible for the emotional well being of your visitor. You choose to focus on enjoying your coffee and the paper.

There may be times when you find you’ve let someone in closer than you would like. Or perhaps you haven’t let someone in as much as you would like to. That’s okay. Each day is a new opportunity to be intentional in setting your emotional boundaries. Remember that it’s your neighborhood and you get to choose the limits and boundaries that feel best for you. Learn more about healthy boundaries here.

The post On Emotional Boundaries and Gated Communities appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Too often we find ourselves unhappy with an area of our lives but unsure of how to improve it. Or maybe we have some ideas, but implementing them feels overwhelming.

The Wheel of Life can help. It is a coaching tool for understanding which areas of your life are most fulfilling and which areas are lacking. Once you assess these areas you can begin to implement small changes that move the different areas of your life into balance.

The Wheel of Life Exercise

• First, draw a large circle on a sheet of paper. Divide it into 8 sections: career, romance/significant other, family and friends, physical environment, health, growth, money, fun/recreation. Rate your level of satisfaction in each area: 0 is the center of the circle, 10 is the outer edge of the circle. Once you marked your rating in each section, connect the dots to make a new inner circle. What does this new circle look like? Where are you most satisfied? Least satisfied?

• Brainstorm several ideas for increasing your satisfaction in areas that are lacking. Do not edit your answers no matter how far-fetched they may seem. Editing is the next step, for now, just let the ideas roll.

• Editing: Pick one idea from your brainstorming exercise for each section that is less than a 10 in satisfaction. Start small. Small changes are easiest to maintain and build your confidence. Write down a plan for implementing this strategy this week. Make it specific and measurable.

• Assess: At the end of the week, think about how well each strategy worked for you. If it’s working, kudos! Keep up the good work! If not, go back to your brainstorming activity and pick another strategy. Implement this strategy this week and repeat.

• Go easy on yourself. Remember that this is a process. It may take some time to find and implement the right strategy for improving your satisfaction. That’s okay. Every exercise you try teaches you something about yourself and what works (or doesn’t) for you.

If your are struggling to come up with ideas for improving your satisfaction, check out these resources:

• Fun
  

• Money
  

• Health

• Career
  

• Significant Other/Romance

• Physical Environment
  

• Family and friends
  

• Growth
  

I do this exercise at least once a year and I am often surprised by the results. Were there any surprises for you?

The post Balancing the Wheel of Life appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.

Want to feel better, strengthen your relationship,  build your self esteem, lose weight, increase your fitness, eat healthier or give more generously? There’s a small change for that.

Small changes are the most effective changes. Radical changes are difficult to maintain and often leave us disappointed and discouraged.

I have been a faithful follower of Leo Babauta and Courtney Carver for years. Both of these bloggers have achieved amazing life goals one small change at a time. You can learn more about their journeys at their respective sites, Zen Habits  and Be More With Less.

Here are a few ideas to get you started on your own small change path:

Increase Your Physical Health

If you are not regularly exercising at the moment, add 5 minutes of walking to your day. Just 5 minutes. The reward is not so much the physical change (for now), it’s the difference in your emotional state. You are spending 5 minutes of this precious day doing something for you. Get some fresh air. Use the 5 minutes to listen to a song you love, or to think of what you are most grateful for today. If you find yourself wanting to walk further, great! But there should be no pressure to do so. At the end of a week,  add another 5 minutes.

If you are a regular exerciser, think about your motivation. Are you exercising because you enjoy it or is there an element of self-punishment or the elusive pursuit of perfection involved? Re-frame your workouts as time for nurturing yourself. Make a point tuning into your self-talk. No discouraging or harsh words allowed. Support and encourage yourself as you would a beloved friend.

Looking for an easy way to improve your diet? Drink a smoothie for breakfast. Better yet, make it a green smoothie. Angela Liddon has a wonderful post (with recipes) on how green smoothies helped change her life.

Improve Your Emotional Well-being

Journal. It needn’t be anything fancy. It doesn’t even half to be complete sentences. Just grab a notebook or a journal and write down 5 things you’re grateful for everyday. This simple exercise can change your outlook significantly.

Limit your exposure to social media. Be mindful of the time you spend there and what you are feeling. It’s so easy to compare our inside’s to others’ outsides. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy.”

Limit your exposure to other forms of media as well. 24 hour news, reality TV, crime shows. Much of what is available for our consumption is negative. Pick what you really enjoy and turn off the rest.

Strengthen Your Relationship

Eliminate the words “always” and “never” when you are communicating your needs or frustrations with your partner. These modifiers are rarely true and can put your partner on the defensive making it more difficult for her/him to really listen. Limit your discussion to the specific thing you are upset about. Your partner will feel less overwhelmed and attacked and you will likely get a more empathic response.

Remember what you love about your partner. Keeping the good in the forefront of your mind, especially when you’re frustrated or angry can help you keep things in perspective and reduce conflict.

Give Back

Nonprofit Tech for Good lists 29 online stores for various nonprofits. Products range from handmade soaps, bags, jewelry and home accessories to toys, children’s books and pet items.

 Nonprofit Shopping Mall lets you choose a charity and donate a portion of your purchase from dozens of big name online retailers.

The organizations listed above make giving back incredibly simple. There are many other organizations like these. You can find the top 100 nonprofits on the web at www.topnonprofits.com.

Flexibility and Change

The most important part in incorporating these changes is building in flexibility. Sometimes you won’t walk for five minutes. Some mornings you’ll have donuts instead of a smoothie. Sometimes you’ll say “always” or “never” (or both!). This is okay. Expect that there will be times when your plan falls apart. Just pick back up the next day, or the day after that and move toward your goals with small, steady steps.

I would love to hear from you! What other small changes would you add? How do you feel about small v. big changes?

The post Small Changes Lasting Results appeared first on Oak Cliff Counseling.