Oatmeal on the wall

A chance to witness!

2012-02-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Thursday again. Last week I blogged about how I was home alone, but silly me, left some charting for myself to do and instead of enjoying a nice day off I spent the day charting and on the phone working. Well, today I made sure all of my charting was done yesterday, so I could enjoy my day off! I left my little girl home with me today so we could have a mommy/daughter day! =)

I wanted to share something that happened last week while I was working. As I have blogged, I have really been feeling God's call on my life lately. It is a great feeling!
And the other day when I went to visit one of my hospice patients in a nursing home I was approached by a nursing student who was doing her clinicals there. She is a first year nursing student and she said she is interested in hospice and was wondering if she could follow me while I was there. Well, she was already familiar with the patients since she was doing her clinicals so confidentiality wasn't an issue, so I told her yes!

I was a bit nervous as I am relatively new to hospice nursing myself but she was very sweet. I explained what I was doing and what my goals were for the day and then we went in to see the patient.
He isn't far from death, but still awakes when spoken to and has an awful time with pain and anxiety. After doing my assessment I was talking with him and knowing he has a strong faith in God I asked him if I could pray with him. I felt a little self conscious as the nursing student was standing there watching me, but I wanted to do what I knew was right and needed. He said he would like for me to pray with him so I took a quick glance at her and then bowed my head. I said a short prayer and then after saying goodbye to the patient the nursing student and I walked out.

I tried to explain to her that I had a strong faith in God, and although I would never force this on a patient, if I knew they had a faith and found comfort in prayer I was always happy to pray with them. She looked at me and told me that she had never prayed before and didn't know how! She said she wasn't raised with any sort of faith background. My heart went out to her. At first I thought maybe she was uncomfortable with it so I told her that if she were ever in a situation where a patient wanted prayer she could call on a chaplain also. But she told me that she wanted to learn how to pray, she wanted to do that if her patients wanted it.
At this point we had walked out to the nursing station and there were a lot of people standing around. But I looked at her and told her that God was always there and ready to listen!

Now, I realize that I just barely introduced the concept, but it felt so good to have maybe planted a seed! It felt so good that God chose me to be a witness to her that day! On my way to the office from there, I thanked God for that opportunity and prayed that He would keep it coming! I want to be His hands and feet AND voice when I can!

Have to share!

2012-01-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I just had to share! A few weeks ago, I posted about feeling a desire for missions. I have not been able to shake this feeling! I have prayed about it and asked for God to give me some sort of confirmation if this was truly His will for me!

Well, until this morning I really hadn't received that confirmation. This morning in church as the pastor was doing announcements he said that the church was going to be forming a missions team to go to Guatemala in May and they were looking for people who wanted to go! I was on the edge of my seat........I guess there was a church planted there some years ago and since then they have sent a team down every year for about 10 days.
Is this why the Lord put this desire in my heart?

Well, I spoke with the pastor about it and I called the person who is organizing it and I am hoping to be able to go! They said they plan what kind of trip it is by who ends up going. If they get medical people they do a medical mission and if they get construction people they do a building trip, and if they get both they do both. Well, I am hoping that other medical people volunteer so I can maybe use my nursing skills there.

So, now that I am all excited, I start to have all of these other thoughts. Is this really God's will?
Is this just me trying to make something happen? Am I being selfish to leave my husband and children for 10 days? My husband will support me but he is not looking forward to being alone with all 4 kids for 10 days by himself........
Or is it just the enemy trying to put doubt in my mind?

So, I pray.... I pray for clarity, to know God's will in this and for peace for my husband. I also pray for the logistics, could I get my passport in time, could I come up with the money required?
Only time.....and God......will tell! But I am excited all the same!

thoughts.......

2012-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

I am sitting home....alone this morning. A pretty rare happening. I work as a hospice nurse and right now I am part time, working 3 days a week. When my case load is up I have to add an extra day in there and work 4 days a week so I have daycare set up for 4 days a week. Right now my case load is down so I am using today as a catch up day for charting and took the kids to school and daycare.
I decided to sit and drink some coffee ad blog before I dive into my charting...so, here I am!

Well, okay, just had to spend about 30 min. making work phone calls, but NOW I am going to blog and finish my coffee!

So much on my mind. My 7 year old son is being tested for a learning disability right now. This has all come as quite a shock to me and has brought a lot of guilt. I wrote about it a month or so ago, but I initially thought I had done something wrong with home schooling him last year, then I felt bad for not noticing it last year. But I came to realize, he pretty much progressed normally through last year. He was able to acquire enough skills to get him to a basic reading level, it is just getting beyond that point that is the problem. So, now I am waiting for the results to see what we are dealing with.
Every week when he brings his homework home I cringe. What I see is spelling tests with 2/10 right, sloppy writing all over the paper, pictures of stick figures in his art. I love him so much and I feel scared for him.
I did a lot of crying in the beginning when I realized how bad it was, when I was told by his teacher that he was barely keeping up with the class and was, in fact, at the bottom of the class. It broke my heart for him!
If you have read my earlier post you may remember that my son has been through a lot! And there is more in store for him medically. His asthma acted up this year and we are right in the middle of a reflux flare up.
In fact, he has an appointment with a GI specialist in Feb. and I am fairly certain that he will be having an EGD to scope his upper intestine shortly thereafter. He also has an appt with a nephrologist in Feb. and a kidney ultrasound due an idiopathic hematuria that is in our family. (microscopic blood in the urine).
Big *SIGH*
So, at first I was in denial about the learning disability, but have since accepted it and am doing all I can to be prepared and informed to help him. I have been very fortunate that his school and teacher have been wonderful. When we had our initial meeting with the school, I was prepared for a fight as I was told many schools try not to have to test kids, but in fact, all at the meeting agreed that he should be tested immediately! Then I asked for a copy of the results a week prior to our follow up meeting and they agreed readily to have it ready for me to look over. Praise God!
The I found this great website! http://millermom.proboards.com/index.cgi about learning disabilities. I have been posting on there and have found a wonderful online community of parents who have been through this and have been more than willing to give advice and even agreed to look over our results to help me be educated and informed about what we are dealing with!
Whew, that is alot! Well, I guess I will end this now. I wanted to talk about more, but I really need to get charting.......
Blessings to you all!

God Calling....

2012-01-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

With all the changes of the past year, it has been too easy to let God go.....not totally, but I find myself getting so involved with the day to day activities and life that I don't make time to talk and listen to God.

Well, I have really felt Him calling me back to Him lately.

I am trying to think of some particular poignant moment where I heard his voice, but it is more like a daily whisper. I can feel Him and somehow I feel different.

Last week, I was watching a movie about a missionary, it was about his journey to and island and his life as a missionary sharing God's love with the inhabitants. As I watched, I felt this longing to be there! A very strong longing! Then after the movie was over, I thought "well, that's silly, certainly God wouldn't want ME to be a missionary! I have a job and so does my husband, we have too many kids, we don't even go to church every sunday......." But then I also was reminded that if it is God's will, He will make a way. "Okay, whatever" I thought.

But it has stayed in my mind. Then I got the book by Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Wife. I am barely a chapter in and I am telling you I see changes in my marriage! I won't go into details of our marriage, but Saturday night, we had a wonderful conversation about getting closer to God and bringing our family closer to God. It was a beautiful talk!

Then we went to church on Sunday (yesterday) and it was one of the most moving services I have been to in a long time. The worship was incredible! It was one of those worship services where I could not keep myself seated, I had to stand and I just got lost in the worship. It was wonderful! And then I just felt different all day! I can feel God in our lives, making changes! It is a wonderful feeling! And still, the desire for missions is still there.

I have prayed for a confirmation that this is God speaking and not my own desires and I am still waiting for it. So, we shall see. But feeling His presence as I have has been wonderful and I am so excited to see what He has planned for my family. My husband was sitting on the couch last night pouring over the church bulletin trying to find ways for us to get involved, this made my heart smile!

I am so excited to see what God has in store for us!

I'm back!

2012-01-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I'm back! I am sorry I disappeared for awhile. Things just got to be too much, with life, work, my children etc. But here I am back on track.
I was looking over my posts from the first few months of the school year and boy was I confused. As I wrote about ad nauseum......we had so many changes so fast this summer/fall. It was all I could do to keep my head on straight. Things have settled now.
I have been at my nursing job as a hospice nurse for over 3 months now and I am still loving it. I have my moments of fear and feeling overwhelmed due to being in a new field where autonomy is so important, but I just keep pushing forward and things are okay again. As I read what I wrote about the job before that, I see that I was really struggling to find meaning in it, meaning that probably wasn't there. I struggled to see why God put me there, in a job I hated, but one that he advanced me in just the same. The only conclusion I can come up with is that He wanted me to get my nursing legs back under me before I began in Hospice.

Things have really progressed with my son. I had wrote, a bit angrily about his teacher communicating with me about his struggles in school. I admit I was angry and not very welcoming with this communication, but it turns out, she was right. And my son has some very real learning problems right now. He knew enough to get him to second grade, but this is where his knowledge and skills have stalled. He is kind of stalled at about a 1st grade level.
He is in the process of being tested by the school right now, but from what I am seeing come home he is really struggling and lagging behind the rest of the kids. I have been doing a lot of research and am just waiting for the results to see what we are dealing with.
Another thing that has been going on is me feeling God calling me. I am really feeling a tug on my soul for Him. I will write about this later, but I am excited to see where He wants to take me!

I hope you all have been well! I have missed you! God Bless!

New job and special ed?????

2011-10-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

Well, things have been really busy and changing again. I really started to dislike my job. I tried hard, I really did, and I did so much praying. Praying that God would show me why I was there etc. But then I saw a hospice position open up. This is something I had applied for twice before and never got past the interview. Well, considering how unhappy I was with my job I figured what could it hurt to apply again? This time I got it!
I am excited but nervous. This field will be all new to me! I have never worked in an area like this before, but I really feel like this will be the last nursing position I will ever have.....my husband thinks it is funny that I say that considering it is hospice! ;)

Then there are the kids.....My little girl just started preschool. She had wanted to go so badly, every day telling me that she wanted to go to school, just like her big brother. Well, I guess the reality is a bit different than the idea. Every morning so far (total of 2) she wakes up saying "I'm not GONNA go to school!" "Really mommy, I'm NOT!" She will do this for about a half hour, refusing to get dressed, refusing to get her shoes on, on and on. When we finally get her into the car she will suddenly be fine, smiling, laughing and ready to go. When we get to the school she will be all smiles! Go figure!

My little boy.....my poor little Thys. He is 7 years old and in second grade. I have written about him before, he has had to face so many challenges, starting with birth, hypoglycemia, recircumcision, ear tubes, dental surgery, asthma, reflux, multiple diagnostic procedures, multiple medication allergies, intense, debilitating shyness, 4 years of intense speech therapy for an articulation disorder.....on and on......

Well he went to public school for kindergarten and did okay. He had some trouble with his writing but otherwise did well. Then I homeschooled him for first grade because he had missed some school the previous year from getting sick ALL the time! We went through a first grade curriculum, I tried to stick to it, I thought he did okay, but lets be honest, I didn't have any other first graders to compare him to at the time.....then this year he is back in public school because of my work status and our move.

I really thought he would be ahead.....but after the first 2 weeks the teacher called me to say he seemed to be behind the other kids in reading etc. I heard how he was reading in a classroom of 30 kids, all out loud (you might recall from my earlier post) and I thought "no wonder!" How can he read like this? So, I spoke with the teacher and she said they would give it some time and have him formally assessed at a later date.

Well, I emailed last week to see how he was doing and she said he wasn't doing so well. She said he was at the bottom of the class. WHAT? How can that be? Of course my first thought is that I ruined him by homeschooling him last year. Isn't that every homeschool moms worst fear? That you will not teach them the right things and ruin them forever, dooming them to a job at McDonalds? So, I asked the teacher....I said "do you think it's because the curriculum I used last year didn't match up to what you are doing this year?" And she said no, I then asked her if she thought he had a learning disability and she said "I kind of think he might."
She said he has in incredible work ethic, he tries so hard, but somehow he just doesn't get some things.
Some things he does get, he can count money like nobody's business, and he can tell time, but he can't seem to get story problems, and writing is so difficult for him, his letters are still reversed in some cases.....
So, the plan is to get him assessed.

Why does it feel like my heart is breaking for him? I look into his past and I see that this little guy has had to struggle and fight for everything! I remember the procedures, the long sleepless nights we spent when he couldn't stop coughing long enough to sleep, the years of speech therapy etc. And when I look into his future I see him going to the "special" classes. Being labeled with this forever......

I know I am being dramatic, but it is just one more thing for him to conquer......I know that in reality, he is a happy kid who has never felt sorry for himself a day in his life. I see a kid who is going to turn into an incredibly strong man for all he will have over come, and that is the image I need to keep before me. I need to put on a smile and just keep pushing on with him for all he can be!

Life.....

2011-09-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, the open house went fine. We went into the classroom and looked around. Not much was mentioned about the reading.....we did talk a little about his writing and they are going to have him assessed by an occupational therapist just to rule out any sort of issue that way.

I did get an email from her though earlier in the day stating that she didn't mean to alarm me, (as if my showing concern back constituted unnecessary alarm) and then she stated that we want his school experience to be positive and we don't want to make him feel bad in any way about his ability (like I would do that?) and that of course we would do more assessment! Maybe I am over sensitive, but it felt like her reply was insinuating that I had over reacted to her call and was grilling my son about his inabilities. I replied reassuring her that I was only encouraging him, but I did ask him how he felt about his reading, this is how I got the info about the reading environment!
And I am NOT going to feel guilty for showing concern for my son! I think the teacher is a good person, she seems nice and caring. But I think she is so completely ingrained in the public school way, the mass education way, that she is failing to see that not all kids do well withing that environment!

So, I picked up a few work books and I will start trying to reinforce some of these skills he seems to be having some difficulty with, in a fun way.

Anyhoo, he is sick already.......the second full week of school and he comes home with a sore throat, stuffy nose and glassy eyes. I am praying that he does not continue picking up every little virus that goes through the school. This is one of the reasons he was home schooled in the first place. Time will tell!

So, lots to do today, grocery shopping, graduation gown ordering (for my 17 year old), house cleaning, laundry, and parents graduation meeting tonight. Have a great day!

Grow where you are planted....

2011-09-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

That is the term that keeps coming to my mind.

The saga at my work continues. Some days I love it and some days I don't like it so much....
When I seek God's will in this area I keep feeling like He is advancing me for a purpose. One which I do not see yet. I have been told by those in management that they have some plans for me, they have not elaborated completely on what these are beyond my recent promotion, but it sure does excite me!

This past week I had the most awful day! The people were so sick, and busy and I was frustrated by some difficult co workers. It was one of those days where I went home and started looking for another job online. I actually prayed on my way home "GOD, I need another job! I cannot handle this!"
But then I actually received compliments yesterday for how well I handled that busy day earlier in the week.

Then, yesterday I received a call from a place I had applied for several weeks ago. It is a clinic close to my home. So, now my mind spins........ what do I do?
This is what I wanted right? Right? A different job opportunity? I am not so sure. I have to ask myself, is there a reason why the Lord is advancing me in my current position? Does He have a plan beyond my comprehension? I am sure He does. Who am I to screw it all up because I had a bad day?

See? This is how my mind works....spinning, spinning! I need a brain break! The thing is I truly want to follow in God's will. No matter what it is! I just have a hard time discerning what that is.

So, that is my work saga.......I think maybe I ought to focus on growing where the Lord planted me!

As I deal with this part of my life the rest of my life keeps moving forward. My 7 year old is in second grade in a public school. I really feel like home school is best and I feel like a bit of a sell out by having him in public school. But I just don't know if I could home school and work. He doesn't mind, he absolutely loves school!
It was kind of funny though. He came home the first few days telling me what they were learning....how to tell time, simple addition and it is all stuff he learned at the beginning of our home school year LAST year! So he is ahead of the game! I guess that is good. But I hope he isn't held back from his potential because of it.

My teenagers started high school yesterday. My oldest daughter is a senior and my oldest son is a freshman. For the past several years they have been going to a tiny school with about 6 kids in each grade and little opportunities. Now they are in a huge 6A school with 300-400 in each grade. A bit of a culture shock but they both LOVE it! They are in football and volleyball and are both incredibly social so this is all very exciting for them!

It is just my 3 year old and I on my days off during the week. It takes some getting adjusted too. I think she is bored without her big brother home. She keeps telling me she wants to go preschool "reawy baaaaad!"
I just want the dust to settle from the other kids starting school before I start looking for a preschool for her!

Today we are going to go to walmart to find me a new phone and McDonalds for lunch.....how exciting! =)

Thanks for reading! Blessings!

So, it seems.....

2011-08-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

.....God has a plan. This whole job thing has been so weird! I am working in long term care for the first time. I have been a nurse for 8 years but all of my experience has been in hospitals so far. Working in a nursing home is very different. There are many aspects to the job and a lot to learn! I have been doing okay, feeling frustrated at times. Many days I go home wondering if I forgot anything, wondering if I missed something.

I wrote before that I had prayed that the Lord would show me why I am there. Working with elderly with alzheimers is incredibly challenging! They are sweet but complicated and their personalities are different from one moment to the next. Another frustrating point is the negativity. Alot of the staff are CNA's. They work hard, but not all of them have the best attitude, I hear alot of complaining and negativity and that can be difficult to work with. So, I admit I had thoughts about looking for a different job, maybe a clinic job, closer to my home. On some of my really busy, frustrating days I prayed to God "WHY AM I HERE?" "PLEASE, find me another job or SHOW ME WHY I AM HERE!"

On some of the really bad days, when I was really feeling frustrated, I would all of the sudden have people compliment me on my work. Out of no where a staff member would come tell me how she was so impressed with my attitude, how I always had a smile on my face. (this put a smile on my face!)
Another day when I was feeling frustrated with managing other staff (I am a charge nurse) one of my CNA's approached me and told me how much they all appreciated how I managed things with positivity AND control. I started to get suspicious that God is trying to tell me something. I was really getting the message that this is where HE wants me to be. HE is helping me to do well in spite of myself!

Well, it was confirmed as Monday I was called in to the directors office. I was worried and thought "what did I do?" I got into her office, taking deep breaths the whole time, not knowing what to expect, and she began to tell me how well I was doing and how many compliments she had received about me.
She then asked me if I was interested in a resident care manager position. This is a promotion! In long term care there are cna's who do the direct care, toileting etc., then there are med aids who pass medication, then there is the charge nurse who oversees the residents day to day care, manages the cna's and deals with the doctors orders etc., then there is the resident care manager who manages the whole shebang. Deals with the incident reports, social workers, doctors, etc. Kind of like a nurse manager on a hospital floor. So, as I said, this is a definite promotion! The director told me she had a need for an RCM and felt that I would do well as she had seen so many good things from me. I was thrilled! This is a job I definitely want, and to be noticed and asked if I want to be promoted just felt so awesome!

Now, I know God is in it all! I feel like He definitely has a plan for me here! AND He is revealing it with my success. I know it is HIM who is holding me up and moving me forward each day.

So, thank you God! I am learning to leave it all to Him, to trust that He has my best interest at heart and know that He will get me through. As my favorite quote goes....."if He brought you to it, He will bring you through it!"

still here......

2011-08-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Checking in....I didn't mean to go so long without writing. Life is just so busy now.

Work is work. I can't say that I love it. The days are so long, 12 hours pretty much zaps the life out of me, and the more I do the more tired I am. Some days are okay and others feel unbearable. But I get through. I try to look at the others around me and realize we are all doing the same thing. Getting up every day, just getting through.

Don't get me wrong, my job is rewarding, like yesterday when I got the biggest hug from one of my residents, she was having a bad day and I got to hug her and remind her that God is with her. I work in an alzheimers unit and life is so difficult for some of these people every day.

But it is difficult splitting myself between two lives. Nurse 3 days for 13 hours a day and mommy the other 4 days of the week. There is so much to do on those 4 days at home.

But, aside from that life has gotten easier in other areas. We are no longer worried about money. For the first time in our marriage, we have more than enough. I am trying to listen to God and use it as He wants. I do recognize that this blessing is from him. The way I got the job, got moved into a full time position immediately when others were wanting it (and I didn't even ask for it), it had to be His doing! So I pray every morning that the Lord would show me why I am there. How I can make it for His glory.

We are trying to be wise about our finances,. God is really blessing us in this area.
We were able to buy some cars this past weekend, which was really nice. We have been babying our cars, trying to get them to last for the past few years. One had a horrible exhaust issue and sounded awful! Not to mention it wouldn't go faster than 55 on the freeway which is sometimes an issue.....
Our other one had the check engine light on almost all the time and the 4 wheel drive barely worked.
So, we took one of them in along with an old truck we had and we got 2 new to us cars! How fun was that! My husband got a 2003 Durango that has 4 wheel drive and seats 7 for our big family. And I got a 2002 Jaguar x type. I love my car! People keep asking me "why did you get a Jaguar?" But it actually cost less than some of the other more traditional choices like the Toyota camry, Honda's etc. AND it AWD! Which I need since I live 30 miles from my work and the highway can get icey in the winter! So...WHY NOT? It is also very pretty and I feel great driving it!

So, on the days I am weary of work, I remind myself that I am able to enjoy the extras now. My kids have those little extras we were never able to afford before. We were able to go to the beach for a weekend and have family fun! And I do NOT miss the worry and stress that was my daily companion when we were so short of money I had to pray I would be able to keep the electricity on!

So, that is my right now. Now off to a busy day! High school for registration papers, sports physicals for both teens, my mom coming for a visit, football parent night and practice! God Bless!

Some positive thoughts....

2011-07-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so after all of the negative posts I want to focus on the good! I just thought I would share all of the great things about our new life!
We have a big beautiful house! I have never had a "nice" house before! Weird huh? We have always rented older homes in small rural neighborhoods. We are now living in a large home in a beautiful neighborhood with manicured and landscaped yards. I must say I am enjoying this!

The next thing is the opportunities for our kids. The town we lived in before was so tiny, yes it was peaceful but the school system had little to offer. They were unable to provide many sports, and definitely NO music program or anything extra! Our 14 year old son has always wanted to play football, but the school in our old town didn't have enough kids to have a team and didn't have the money to send the kids to another school to participate. Now, our son is in football practice 3 days a week, twice a day! My husband and I asked ourselves last night what he would have been doing with his summer if we were still living in the old house. He would be fishing, and probably walking the streets with the local boys......eventually he would have been faced with alcohol and pot as well. We are so relieved that he is here in sports instead!

Then there is time with my hubby. With me working we have enough money to have a date night every Friday night. WOW what a difference! Before we moved, when we were on one income we had a date night maybe every other month. It is so nice to be able to do that more often, appreciate each others company as husband and wife and not just mommy and daddy.

Then there is my work.....I have to admit, a few months ago I began to have a twinge......I was missing my nursing career. I feel a need to nurture, to comfort. Of course I get to do that with my kids, but caring for the ill, weak and elderly definitely fills a need for me. I am getting to do that now, and I appreciate that.

So, there is my positives.....yes it is hard making all these new changes, but I think it is so worth it! Praise God for putting us where He wants us to be!

It ain't pretty.....

2011-07-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

.......the truth that is, going back to work is hell! I know that sounds harsh, and in the long run, going back to work is a good thing. I do believe that God gave me this job for a reason, I don't know what it is yet, but it all went through so beautifully that it must have been God. But the growing pains are awful!

I am still having problems with anxiety. When I don't get enough sleep, my anxiety really acts up, it is like my brain short circuits without sleep. I worked 5, 12 hour shifts in a 7 day span and that was the perfect setup for little sleep. (I was finishing up my orientation and jumping into my regular shift)

The night of my 4th 12 hour shift was awful! I came home exhausted, to a house full of screaming kids and a tense husband. It was the new nanny's first day so my 2 year old was stressed, she did little else but scream from the time I got home to the time I put her in bed. And what did I do? I cried, I cried alot! I cried for being tired, I cried because my husband didn't seem to understand and I cried because I felt like I had abandoned my children and was ruining them! The evidence was right there before my teary eyes! My 2 year old was bawling, and throwing temper tantrums! What a day.......I went to bed at 8pm that night, the same time as my 2 year old. I got up the next morning, finished my 5th 12 hour shift and all is now well!

My regular shift is 3, 12 hour shifts and then 4 days off, and that isn't too bad. I am on my second day off and am loving it! It is just going to take some getting used to. Our nanny is great. She is responsible and has tons of experience working in daycares, nannying etc. has cpr, first aid and a child care certification, and since my schedule is Sunday, Monday Tuesday she is only here 2 days a week.

So, that is me right now. Trying to adjust. Of course, if I had my way I would be at home with the kids, and we could do it financially, but we would be scraping by and still be unable to pay medical bills etc. It has really been nice to be able to do the little extras also. My husband and I went out to a nice fancy dinner with live music last weekend, I was even able to buy a new outfit to go out with! =) I was able to buy shoes for myself and my daughter yesterday on a wim......it has been a long time since we were able to do that! AND, we have a trip booked to the beach for my birthday in 2 weeks! So, that is the trade off I guess.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. Being a nurse is very rewarding, and I definitely feel like I am doing good!

One other thing I must mention, is that I took for granted my time with the kids when I was staying home. I didn't stop often to cuddle or to take a trip to the park. But now that I am working, when my little girl wants to cuddle, you can bet I stop and relish every moment of it!

So, I am off to enjoy my days off! Have a great week!

Trying to catch my breath....

2011-07-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I am taking a break out of my new busy life to write a bit in my blog. It is amazing how quickly life's pace can pick up. I can't say that I like it. I miss my quiet little home in the quiet little town in the country along the river. Don't get me wrong, I love our house, it is big and beautiful and has so much room, but it is in the middle of a suburban neighborhood and it is so BUSY!
I have been working at my new job for about 3 weeks now. It is going okay. Being a nurse is a busy and at times crazy job so it has been stressful to say the least.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this here but I struggle with anxiety. It is something I have probably always had, but I had a major flare about 3 years ago during a very stressful time in my life and am starting to experience it once again. I am sure it is because of all the stress of starting a new job, moving, looking for a nanny etc. But along with it, my blood pressure has been going up.

Wed. afternoon I had the most awful headache all evening at work, and then Thursday morning I woke up feeling very jittery and shaky, when I took my blood pressure it was 156/105, NOT GOOD! I have been taken off my blood pressure medicine recently so I thought maybe that was it? But I just don't know! I called the advice nurse and they suggested I take a half dose my old blood pressure medicine and contact my doctor. So I did, and went to work feeling jittery and shaky and just plain awful! Let me tell you, I did a lot of praying!
Things got better as the day went on, but for at least the first 6 hour I continued to feel shaky and jittery and bad! Looking back now I am thinking it was probably anxiety. Oh how I hate anxiety! So many people think it is just a state of mind, but I have real, and disturbing physical symptoms as well. Your body actually is releasing chemicals that are responsible for the fight or flight response during anxiety, which is why I was feeling so bad!
Anyway, I am praying this doesn't happen any more!

So, now I have two days off and am trying to enjoy every minute of it with my kids. Working outside the home really makes you appreciate being home and with family!

Moving on.....

2011-06-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

Well, we have been in our new home for about 2 weeks now. I finished up with the old house on Wednesday. I think we cleaned it pretty good. There was more we could have done, but we could have gone on with it forever I am sure. I had a friend help and I paid a local gal to clean the kitchen. I finally had to say enough and just know that I did my best. We haven't heard from the old landlord yet, but like I said, I have to let it go and move on!

So, now I am focusing on the next big thing....my new job. I am excited and stressed. I have hired a nanny, if you could call it that. She is a 19 year old. I guess the difference between a nanny and a babysitter is that as a nanny she will be taking the kids to their activities, picking my son up from school during the school year, fixing dinner if needed and doing some light house keeping.
This is another area where I have been torn. How do you decide when someone is good enough for your children? I mean my ideal "nanny" would be a sunday school teacher.....or Alice from the Brady bunch.....but somehow I don't know how realistic that is.
The gal we have hired seems very nice. She came over today to play with the kids with me here to get them used to her. My little girl actually went up to her twice and gave her a hug spontaneously. I thought that was a very good sign! She played well with the kids, and her references were glowing! I think that it would be difficult for me to find anyone that I would find just right, so I am trying to focus on the all the positives and not nit pick......I am just used to being the only one caring for them, besides my husband and I guess I am still dealing with a lot of guilt.

Well, enough of that. The next thing is that I have my first full day of work tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, but I am also nervous. The main thing is that with me working, we will be able to provide so much more for our family. I am looking forward to weekends away, less worry over bills and maybe a few frivolous purchases every once in awhile!

Well, that is us for now! God Bless!

We are here!

2011-06-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Well, we are in our new home! We moved this weekend. The move went well. Our teenage son had a friend that helped us on Friday and another friend that helped out on Saturday, so that was nice. We ended up with a large truck from uhaul rather than a trailer because the trailer wasn't returned on time, so that was a blessing! It cut down on the number of trips by quite a bit! They charged us the same they would have with a trailer also!

We were all very tired but so glad to be here. The house is beautiful and we are so close to my husbands work and everything else it is wonderful!

I must admit, I am dealing with quite a bit of anxiety! The move ended up being so much more expensive than we thought, and I am stressing out a little bit about how we are going to make it through the rest of the month! I know the Lord will bring us through.....I do know that....but telling my emotions that is difficult.
The other major stressor is getting back to the old house to clean. Things always look so bad after we move. Garbage, crumbs, dirt, misc. items strewn all around the house! I tried so hard to make sure things would be clean so that when we moved our furniture the house would be clean......but it still looks like a tornado hit the place! I am praying for peace so that I can go back and just get things done. I don't know why it stresses me so!
Then there is my new job. I go to orientation on Friday. I am having a tough time with the thought of leaving my two year old with a child care provider. Then, my younger two are both sick right now. One of the reasons I have stayed home in the past is because my son seems to pick up everything and then his asthma acts up.
Well, of course he has been healthy all year, but now, right before I go back to work, he is sick and the coughing is back.....the asthma coughing.....I know, I need to trust in the Lord and know that He is control. It is just hard to understand things sometimes.

So, today we will be unpacking, signing up my youngest for school next year, and interviewing a nanny! My husband and I are thinking that if we can hire a nanny to come into our home to care for the kids, it may minimize the illness' and stress for them.
Tomorrow I will go back to the old house to clean! Please pray that it goes well.....I just want to be done!

Blessings!

"Seeing" God....

2011-06-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

I was just reading through some blogs on my blog list and one just gave me a great reminder of how God is always at work in our lives, even when we think things aren't going so well. Here is the post I read:
http://thecoultfamily.blogspot.com/2011/04/home-from-spring-furlough.html

This family saw the blessings in everything that happened! I have to admit when things go even a little wrong I have a tendency to ask "why me?" "why my family?" I am so silly. Why not us? Why do I choose to feel sorry for myself instead of using these things as an opportunity to share my faith? Definitely something I need to work on.

As I have been writing, my life is undergoing some major changes right now. I have been staying home with my children for the past year and a half. But my husband and I felt that we needed to move closer to his work. We agonized over the decision, the new home is more expensive and moving is always a chore, but we will finally be just a mile from a church we love and be able to go on a regular basis so I see that as a HUGE blessing! At the same time, a job opportunity presented itself to me. I went ahead and applied asking the Lord for His guidance and the job came through beautifully. I will only be working 2-3 days a week since it is 12 hour shifts, and for the first time in as long as I can remember we will be very comfortable financially.
Everything has been going through so smoothly! Getting the house we wanted, getting the kids into school, finding a job, giving our 30 day notice, having a successful yard sale, finding homes for our kittens, selling our motor home, getting help to move, everything! It must be God!

But I also can't help but think that there is a bigger reason for all of this. I feel that this is just a step in God's master plan for us. We were told by a Godly couple several years ago that they felt the Lord wanted them to tell us that we should move closer to my husbands work. At the time we had other plans and rejected this idea, but I am now wondering if we are just now getting back on track with His plan for us. I wish we had listened sooner!

Sooooo many changes!

2011-06-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, not only are we moving now, but I have a job as well! I have been wanting a part time job for quite a while, but it looks like I might have a full time job! As a nurse, full time is only 3 days a week as I will be working 12 hour shifts. I am both excited and trepidatious. Me working means child care for my 2 youngest, and probably public school for my 7 year old.
We are going from stay at home/home school mom to work/daycare and public school. I am mostly aching for my 2 year old. Poor thing. She will be moving into a new home and starting childcare for the first time all at once. I am a little concerned for her.
I feel as if I am going against my values. Abandoning the stay at home mom life. But at the same time, I really look forward to having that extra money! Right now, there is no extra! There is just barely enough. In fact we have medical bills that have been sitting out there for some time, not being paid on, so finally we will be able to pay ALL of our bills. What a concept! I also look forward to being able to afford clothes shopping and trips away for the weekend.
I know that is not a replacement for having mom home all the time. But I do think it will make a positive difference in other ways.
So, now we are trying to decide between a day care, baby sitter, or nanny. I like the idea of a nanny, someone to come into my home, minimizing the stress and strain on my youngest. Also reducing the exposure of my 7 year old to illness. He has been asthma free for the first time since I home schooled him this past year.
I am a bit worried about him potentially having problems again once he is in public school and exposed to all the germs! But I also wonder if he will be bored with a nanny. Although the nanny is only 2 -3 days a week so that leaves plenty of day trips to the park etc.
THEN there is the cost! A nanny in our area costs around $10 an hour. Although that isn't a whole lot more than the local daycare center, they charge $45 a day per child! Now a home daycare provider would be great if I could find one. They usually charge less than a center but there is still the exposure issue.
Ho hum! So much rolling around in my head. New Job, Moving in 2 days, Daycare vs nanny!
I think need some prayer!

Lots going on....

2011-06-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

So much going on right now! Excuse me while I ramble a bit.
We are moving! Yep, next week, we are moving closer to my husbands work. The new house is quite a bit larger than our current one. It is really very different!
We currently live in a tiny rural community. Alot of the people have lived here for generations, I have always felt like a bit of an outsider.....the house we are moving to is big and new and in a nice suburban neighborhood. The town is a bit yuppie-ish (if that is a word) and I get the feeling that most of the people are transplants. It is a very sporty, granola type feel. That isn't really our style, but the people are nice. It is kind of exciting to be relocating to a touristy type of town, there is so much to do!
Here is a photo of our new home!

Preparing to move is not fun! I have been spending the past week or so packing packing packing! I have done so much, but still there is so much left to do!

Then there is the yard sale this weekend! Our community has a yearly yard sale weekend and it just happens to be the weekend before we move this year! So, as I am packing I am also making a yard sale pile that seems to be slowly getting out of control. At first I thought I would have maybe a few things, but I now have a room full! If only we could sell it all! $$$$$$$$$ =)

Then there is my job search. I have wanted to get a job for awhile, but it just hasn't worked out. I figured the Lord just had other plans for right now. Well, I thought I would try again.....I have an interview tomorrow in fact. The thought of getting a job gives me mixed feelings. On the one hand I look forward to it. Not just having enough income, but having extra! What a concept! Being able to go shopping and go on weekend trips etc.

But then I think of taking my 2 year old to daycare.....that will be tough.......and being away from the kids, that will also be tough. But they would adjust, I know they would!

So, anyway....those are just a few things going on.....there is more, but nothing I want to write about at this point.........thanks for listening!

Yes, I am still here!

2011-05-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Once again I need to apologize for not writing.....but I am still here.

We are still searching for a home to rent closer to my husbands work, so that consumes alot of my time and effort. I have such mixed emotions, I desperately want to move, but am intimidated by the lack of rentals in our area and the fierce competition for those that do come up. My biggest struggle is leaving it in God's hands. I know He is in control, I know He has a plan. But I have a tendency to give it to Him, but then take it back not much later. Why do I do that? How could I think it would be any better handled by me?
It's impatience. I don't see results right away, or don't have the answer I want, so I grab it back, from God's hands and try to make it work on my own. How silly of me!

Anyway, we have it narrowed down to two houses right now. Both are pretty different from each other. One is in a suburban neighborhood, not much of a yard, but it is a nice big two story with a wrap around porch, 4 bedrooms, 3 baths plus a family room. It is in town, close to everything.....sports, schools, swimming pool, and church. The other one is only 3 bedrooms, but it is fairly new, only 2 years old and it is on an acre and a half in a rural area. I love the thought of so much space as well as a NEW home. There is a fantastic view of the mountain also.
We have turned applications in at both places. We are just waiting to hear back from one of them! The waiting is awful. I tend to want to keep looking.......

Busy week

2011-04-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been awhile since I have been on here. I apologize. I have just been so busy lately it seems. I am trying this whole couponing thing and believe it or not, it takes a lot of time. Clipping, organizing, going through the store ads, matching up deals, then finding the time to go to the individual stores for the best deals....
Anyway, my couponing is over for the week, so here I am.

We have spent quite a bit of time at the doctors this week as well. My 17 year old plays softball and was hit in the face with the ball on Wednesday during a practice. She came home with her sweatshirt covering her face crying......she looked at me and said "mom, can you take me to the hospital please?" I said "WHAT HAPPENED?" Of course it didn't look near as bad as I expected, in fact I could hardly tell that anything was wrong. The tip of her nose was slightly swollen, but to her it was HUGE! She then told me her head "really hurt!"
Now, we just found out my daughter has a clotting disorder that can potentially cause her to bleed easier than she should, so with the headache I wanted to make sure she didn't have any sort of bleed in her brain! Off to the ER we went.....5 hours and an xray and a ct scan later were on our way home. We found out the next day that she has a small fracture on her nasal bone. She really lucked out with no bruising or black eyes which is weird considering she bruises so easily normally!

(yes she sat there and texted the entire time)

Then yesterday I was busy having my 2 year old seen for a constant runny nose. She didn't seem to have a cold so I was concerned that she may have a sinus infection. According to the provider we saw, nose pain, green drainage for a week and half with no cold and goopy eyes isn't enough, she has to have those symptoms for 3 weeks or more before they will treat it. Oh well!

It is always interesting when we see a new provider. They always seem to assume that I am a new, uneducated mother who really needs their rescuing professional guidance....don't get me wrong, they are always nice. But if they were to look at the history they would see that I have 6 kids, am a registered nurse and have spent 7 years dealing with a son with allergies, asthma, reflux, speech issues, gastrointestinal issues etc.
We always do this dance.... they ask about medical history, hear about various issues and begin to educate me on the care, treatment and management of these issues.....how can they not realize that I have been dealing with these things for YEARS and we could be spending more productive time discussing the current issue! Do I sound like a jerk? I don't mean to, they all mean well. Normally we see our pediatrician that we have had for 4 years and she knows it all, and she knows me and things go smoothly. But yesterday she was on vacation so we had someone new.

Oh and then there is the major stress in my life right now! MOVING! We have decided that we should move. There are many reasons.....poor school system, driving to the town my husband works in 9 times a week between his work, our sons karate and swim lessons and church with a suburban and paying $4 a gallon in gas! We spend over $700 a week in gas.....

So, we decided we should move to the town we spend all of our time in. We currently live 45 minutes from this town. The thing is, it is a popular place and there are hardly any rentals! Whenever we see one, it is gone within a week!
I am really trying to trust God in this. I know that He is in control and if it is His will, we will find the perfect place for us. But I really stress. I think, what if we are wrong? What if it isn't His will? What if we don't find anything? What if our credit isn't good enough? What if?
So, faith, faith, faith is my mantra! =) Give it God, I am constantly reminding myself.......

So, I guess that is enough ranting for now. I am off to clean and then go pick up xray reports for my daughter and then go look at a house!

Have a great day!

Just wanted to share...

2011-04-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share! I read this book a few weeks ago and I have to tell you, it has made such a difference for me.
I tend to be a worrier, yes, a huge worrier. In this day with all the talk of the end of the world, 2012, swine flu, child abuse, murder, home invasions...life here on earth gets pretty scary.
This book was a wonderful reminder that there is a heaven waiting for us in the end. It makes it somehow more tangible to read it from the perspective of a child.
I read this book in one day...no kidding....I could not put it down! It is amazing and comforting! I highly reccomend!

Day two!

2011-03-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did it again! I managed to drag my rear out of bed at 6 am. It wasn't easy, my bed was soooo cozy and warm and my eyelids were sooooo heavy. But then I imagined Jesus sitting up there at my dining room table waiting for me......that got me up! LOL!We had a nice time, Jesus and I. I read from Matthew, Jesus' teachings....the beatitudes, the sermon on the mount. I find it all very comforting. I must say, that making this time first thing in the morning has made a difference. I don't really have more time, but I am finding I am more productive and less stressed. Today has been busy, but somehow I don't feel as harried and hectic as I did last week at this time.

On a different note, I held a friends newborn today......dare I say I feel baby fever coming on? It has been on my mind latel. My husband and I said we were done after our last baby who is two now. My husband thinks he is too old, I think having more kids would keep us young! I do fear the worry and anxiety that comes with a new baby. My last child had severe reflux and we went through some scary times. But now she is just the cutest thing and the biggest blessing ever! My husband has been VERY against having any more kids since the last one. But he actually was mentioning how much he loved babies the other day. I sensed a softening there. The book I am reading speaks of seasons of our lives. Maybe we aren't in the season I thought we were. Maybe we are to be in a more productive season....or maybe I am just feeling the last groans from my aging womb......something to pray about!

Well, I did it!

2011-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I almost didn't, but I did! I got up at 6 am to spend some time with the Lord.

The reason I almost didn't was because I had somewhat of a painful night. Yesterday evening I began to have pain in my right side, just under my rib cage. It was an intense ache! It lasted about 2 or 3 hours until I took some apple juice with apple cider vinegar for it. That seemed to knock the pain out right away. (I think it is my gallbladder and acv is supposed to help). Anyway, I was fine until about 12 midnight. The pain started again waking me up. I panicked a bit, prayed a lot and drank some more acv, and the pain went away! Thank God!

So, needless to say after all that I was tired this morning. BUT, I got up when the alarm went off and spent some drowsy time praying and reading the word.......I am expecting tomorrow's time to be a bit more productive and AWAKE!

Early to rise......

2011-03-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I just joined an online club. It is called the 5 O'clock club! It is from the website Girltalk, a website I stumbled on a few weeks ago. It's creators are 4 women, a mom and her three daughters, the focus is on biblical womanhood!

I have found a lot of good posts on here regarding fear and anxiety, which is something I struggle with. They also talk of marriage and parenting as well.

Anyway, I purchased a book for my e-reader from their site, it's called Shopping for Time and it is about finding enough time in every day and not feeling overwhelmed.

I just finished the first chapter which is about making a commitment to rise early every day and meet with God. Something they call the 5 O'clock club. In my case it will be the 6 O'clock club......but I doubt they will mind! =)

I am looking forward to starting this on Monday, I can't wait to see the look on my husbands face when I get up before him! ;)

I have been feeling disconnected from God lately. I know He is there, but unfortunately I tend to turn to him most when I am in crises mode. You know what? Somehow I have a feeling that if I would make time for Him everyday, I might avoid the whole crises mode in the first place!

So, Monday morning.....6 am here I come!

Fear........

2011-03-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

it is something I struggle with from time time. Lately I have felt particularly susceptible to it. Multiple earthquakes, floods, stories of fires taking entire families lives, on and on! This world is a scary place! Sometimes I am able to push it all away and be the strong woman I want to be....sometimes.....but then there are other times where I find myself sinking into all of the fear. It rises up around me and threatens to engulf me.

I know this isn't what God has for me. I know that he says......

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7)

I have to remind myself that He is in control. Nothing takes Him by surprise, He knows when there will be a disaster, He knows where I will be, where my children will be and it will all fit into His plan.

I often look at my children and envy them. Their quiet confidence in me, they live moment by moment, knowing with absolute certainty that all of their needs will be met, no matter what.

Never will they have to wonder where their next meal will come from, or whether they will have a roof over their head. They KNOW that their father and I are always there and WILL always be there for them.

As the Bible says...At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:1-3

I truly understand this. I long for this confidence.

Our world has become so complicated. Twitter, Facebook, CNN, internet, TV, constant news, constant opinions from everyone, constant bombardment of everything from everywhere! Too much input from sources other than God.

I find myself longing for His word, more of Him in these trying, scary times. Maybe that is what He is trying to tell me. I need more of Him and less of the world.

Another reminder: Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17.

And one more thing......Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9