Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, Sir. Um . . I know you're busy, and important and stuff. I mean running the country is very important and — ah — I hate to bother you, Sir. I will only take a minute. Ok, Sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out. You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow. I saw something like that in a museum once! Oh, sorry Sir. I didn't mean to get off the track.

So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island , Sir? No? I didn't think so...

Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "Not released" or "Not available." I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are — I — I have them written down here somewhere — I'll just read it to you. Could you please help me find these things, Sir?

1. Occidental College records — Not released
2. Columbia College records — Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper — "Not available"
4. Harvard College records — Not released
5. Selective Service Registration — Not released
6. Medical records — Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule — Not available
8. Your Illinois State Senate records — Not available
9. Law practice client list — Not released
10. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate — Not released
11. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth — Not released
12. Record of your baptism — Not available  

Oh and one more thing, Senator, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago. Can you explain that to me, Sir? Oh but, hey — listen! I know you're busy! If this is too much for you right now — I mean — tell you what. I'll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you're busy. I'll just let myself out.

I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. 

[We'd like to thank the author of this clever guest editorial, although we have been unable to track him/her down.]

Will the real Barack Obama please stand up? In November of 2008, ABC New's reported a pro-traditional marriage statement by then candidate Barack Obama. Speaking to MTV viewers, Senator Obama said: "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I'm not in favor of gay marriage." 

In true wafflishesh style, last month President Obama waffled on his one-man, one-woman view of marriage. We're not surprised, just disappointed that Obama continues to waffle on such core issues.

On October 10, 2009, President Obama stated, "I've called on Congress to repeal the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and to pass the Domestic Partners Benefits and Obligations Act." His comments were made to the Human Rights Campaign, considered the largest advocate of same-sex marriage in the country.

Obama added, "I support ensuring that committed gay couples have the same rights and responsibilities afford to any married couple in this country." We're not sure how that squares with his prior statement: "I'm not in favor of gay marriage."

So, we can only assume Obama was really FOR same-sex marriage before he was AGAINST it—in order to get elected—and now he's FOR it again. Children on a playground would probably respond with a hardy chorus of "Liar, liar, pants on fire" if one of their own pulled a stunt like that.

On July 11, 2008, president wannabe Barack Obama bashed President Bush's Afghanistan policy, saying, "We allowed the Taliban and Al Qaeda to regenerate itself when we had them on the ropes. That was a big mistake, and it's one I'm going to correct when I'm president." 

On October 8, 2008, Mr.  Obama offered this assessment during the presidential debates: "We took our eye off Afghanistan. We took our eye off the folks who perpetrated 9/11." The folks? You mean the terrorists, right?

On December, 28, 2008, the president-elect said "we took our eye off the ball [in Afghanistan] when we invaded Iraq" and promised that disrupting the ability of terrorists to train in Afghanistan and attack America was "my number one priority as president of the United States."

Then came the inevitable Obama waffle:

For months Gen. Stanley McChrystal has been requesting additional troops to defeat the insurgents in Afghanistan—without them the general warned our mission would be at risk. The White House appears to have turned a deaf ear, considering the fact that Gen. McChrystal has only had the opportunity to speak with the president 1 time in 70 days—while troop losses continued to mount.

Meanwhile, President Obama found plenty of time to hang out with golf legend Arnold Palmer in the Oval Office and jet off to Copenhagen to lobby the Olympic Committee on behalf of Chicago. That's strange behavior from the Commander in Chief who assured us winning in Afghanistan would be his "number one" priority as president.

Why the reluctance to get the job done?

On September 21, 2009 President Obama told ABC's Charles Gibson, "Until I am satisfied that we've got the right strategy, I'm not going to be sending some young man or woman over there beyond what we already have."

The right strategy? What did President Obama mean, then, back on March 27, 2009 when he said, "Today, I am announcing a comprehensive, new strategy for Afghanistan and Pakistan. And this marks the conclusion of a careful policy review . . . that I ordered as soon as I took office"?

Guess he had the right strategy before he didn't have the right strategy.