Obscure Details

The most important thing you will see all year

2012-01-30T16:33:00.000-08:00

Breaking news: Dog gives man receipt.

Here are three important things that I noticed about this video.

1. The male customer looks like Chaz Bono.

2. The receptionist keeps a straight face almost the entire time because she's trying to act like this is no big deal, even though she knows that it totally is.

3. See how badly that other dog wants a treat, but Chaz doesn't give him one because he wasn't involved in the receipt delivery process.

Bad rimming equals bad porn. Fact.

2012-01-30T01:25:00.000-08:00

There's a porn star who follows me on Twitter named Topher DiMaggio. He's pretty hunky, and just like me, he's a huge K-Pop fan, which is how I assume he ever found me in the first place. We've exchanged the occasional tweet about KARA and I got him into their sexy labelmates Rainbow, but that's pretty much as far as our communication has gone.

Despite our minimal contact, the fact that we had even conversed briefly online was a bit of an unexpected turn on. Not the actual tweeting part, but I figured that watching porn featuring somebody that I had actually spoken to might be hotter than just beating off to nameless strangers like usual, so I made a mental note to punch his name into Xvideos next time I could be bothered jacking off (which these days, isn't even that often -- SMH).

Now, Topher isn't typically the type of guy I'm into when watching porn. Sure, he's gorgeous and physically perfect in almost every possible way, but in gay porn, model good looks and a big studio contract usually equals bad sex. The beautiful hunks are always so chilly and formulaic in the way that they fuck: it's always a boring blowjob followed by boring doggystyle followed by a boring cumshot onto a boring bottom who looks like he'd rather be sleeping on a bed of hot coals instead of receiving a sticky load to the face. And I can't forget the phrase, "fuck yeah", which is robotically repeated with about as much feeling and passion as a garden gnome. It's not always the actual fault of the porn stars -- usually it's just the studio laying out the guidelines of the scene, and stainless steel supermodel sex is what sells in the mainstream. That's the reason I stick to trash like Machofucker, or, when I'm really desperate and feeling completely immoral and void of all dignity, Treasure Island Media -- at least those disgusting trolls look like they're enjoying the sex, and not just doing it for the pay cheque.

But despite my hesitation, I decided to give Topher a try, mostly driven by my whole "I kinda vaguely not really at all know this guy!" fantasy. I opened the first free video of him that I could find, and knew that the potential quality of the whole scene would all lie in one thing: the rimming.

You can almost always tell what a porn scene is going to be like by the rimming. If the rimmer cautiously approaches the scene and looks like he's stalling before the big eat, and then proceeds to timidly flick his tongue a few times before spending the rest of his time grabbing and biting his partner's buns, then you're in for a dud fuck. The rimmer is clearly a lifeless robot with no sex drive who should be working at Wal-Mart instead of the porn industry! But, if the rimmer gets in there and eats that ass like a watermelon on a hot summer's day, tongue penetration and all, then you're gonna see some real heat and chemistry when they finally get down to business. It's pretty much a fact. Actually, come to think of it, they should add it to the Bill of Rights or something, just so everybody can be clear on the matter.

Much to my dismay, the scene with Topher was not the good kind. I don't remember who was eating who, but whoever it was wasn't into it, and neither was I. It was obvious that the entire scene was doomed, and just to prove myself right, I fast-forwarded it to make sure.

Bad rimming equals bad porn, there's no question about it. Even no rimming is better than bad rimming: I'd rather see somebody bypass the act all together rather than do a half-assed (intentional pun) job of it, which is always a total mood killer.

So boys, if you're freaky like me but don't wanna sit around in front of your computer beating it all day, save yourself the time and the bandwidth by skipping to the next video as soon as you see some faulty rimming. You'll thank me later.

P.S. I saw a non-rimming scene with Topher later, and it was hot. I guess he just isn't really into eating azz. Boo!

[Review/Recap] Dance Moms Season 2 Premiere

2012-01-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in guilty pleasures. It's actually a term that I despise. Most people use it when they're insecure about enjoying something lowbrow, so they try and laugh it off as a "guilty pleasure" just to avoid a few scoffs and eyerolls from a few judgmental douche bags who are just as insecure as they are.

Lifetime's Dance Moms is one show that's often lumped into the guilty pleasure category, but I don't feel one shred of shame in professing my love for it. It's my favorite reality series since Celebrity Rehab -- I just can't get enough of Abby Lee Miller and the troupe of catty, middle-class white women who subject their children to her abusive tirades on a daily basis in exchange for their fifteen minutes in the spotlight.

After a headline-grabbing first season, Dance Moms returned last week to kick-off season 2 in a predictably dramatic fashion. But before the catfights began, the most noticeable thing at first was how most of the cast had upgraded their looks for the show's return. Abby was done up like Southern prostitute, all big hair, make-up, and sparkles, with her chubby hands adorned in jewelry and bright fake nails. Kelly and Michelle looked the same, but Christi looked like she had just raced straight from the salon to the set, her hair looking noticeably more peroxided than usual.

The episode started off with some major drama, with Abby chastising Nia because Holly was working and not present for the weekly pyramid reveal.

"Nia! Where is your mother?" Abby barked. "She needs to leave work, leave the job, forget it, and be here with you... She could care less about you winning a title -- she isn't even here!"

She then announced that they would be hiring a new ~~mom~~ dancer to join the group, and that "Everyone is replaceable," her eyes fixated on a sheepish Nia as she said it. "Are you next?"

Then we get the big pyramid reveal. Paige and her rebellious older sister Brooke are on the bottom for apparently taking a break from dancing during the hiatus between the show's two seasons, alongside 7-year-old MacKenzie, who is accused of "sitting on the couch and eating chips" -- whatever that means. Nia is then revealed as placing in the middle of the pyramid, but Abby uses the announcement as a further opportunity to imply that Nia's mother has chosen her career over her child.

Then we get to Maddie and Chloe. As per usual, Maddie's at the top, while Chloe is one rung below in the middle next to Nia. Usually I agree with Abby's constant Maddie favoritism, because, let's face it -- Kween Maddie is one bad bitch, but this time it was totally unjustified given Chloe's victory at the end of season 1 where she scored the lead role in that flop music video. Abby then states that all Chloe's win has done is increased the pressure on her. Trust Abby to turn Chloe's big moment into something negative.

We then discover that Cathy is still in the picture (although, I'm still not entirely convinced that she's a real person and not a professional actress), who is plotting her revenge against the ALDC over at Candy Apples Dance Studio with her troupe of frumpy dancers.

Out of all the Dance Moms, Christi is my favorite. She's an outspoken, two-faced bitch with a bad dye job and a jealous vendetta against a 9-year-old -- what's not to love? To my delight, Christi's amped up the bitch factor this season, starting by running to Holly to blab about Abby's attack on Nia (and rightly so). Holly promptly confronts Abby, which leads to Abby screaming about Holly being a bad mother, followed by some awkward story about her period, and capping it off with "Nia's not that swift!"

"How dare you," Holly firmly responds. Abby snaps back, "YOU THINK YOU'RE UP HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE A DOCTORATE AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOWN HERE!" signalling both levels with her chunky arms. Holly calls Abby ignorant and claims she's intimidated by her education, which results in Abby blowing another fuse and storming out. Meanwhile, Christi and Kelly gasp, sigh, and shake their heads from the viewing room at all the drama, while Melissa sternly keeps her head down and remains silent, lamely pretending that she's not interested whilst intently hanging onto every word.

Holly really kept it classy during the Abby confrontation, and I think she's now replaced Kelly as my second favorite Dance Mom. Abby just can't handle the fact that Holly is a glamorous working woman who actually has a life outside of her child, and isn't some desperate housewife like the other Dance Moms or a workaholic, closeted lesbian like Abby!

Later on they had another shady moment when Holly tried to talk to Abby before everyone headed to the competition. Abby sat in her car with her window wound all the way up, leaving Holly to shout outside as a snowstorm swirled around her, flakes of ice littering her hair.

Burrrn!

After a nice mother-daughter moment with Holly and Nia, we're back to more drama when Abby selects the new dancer (some cute girl named Kendall) to join the ALDC. A disgruntled mother --whose daughter didn't make the cut for being too tall-- suddenly spazzes out, screaming to Abby to "FIND HER A SPOT" on the team, and to "THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND TO PEYTON TONIGHT!"

Somehow, I don't think this is the last that we've seen of this woman.

We're also informed that Kendall isn't quite officially part of the ALDC yet, but is on "probation", which is a term Abby will continue to hurl at Kendall as the episode progresses.

We're then introduced to the new Dance Mom, Jill: A nipped-and-tucked former cheerleader type with a breathy voice that Christi hilariously compares to a "900 number". Christi already decides that she hates Jill before they even meet, insulting the new mom and questioning her agenda while a wide-eyed and excited Kelly looks on with glee, like the Gretchen Wiener to Christi's Regina George. When the moms get together in the viewing room, Christi starts throwing shade straight away to Jill's face, while Melissa remains silent and then later befriends Jill away from the view of the other moms at the end of the episode.

Flash forward and the whole group is back on the bus heading to their next competition. With her audience ready, Jill pulls out a gift to give to Abby, remarking off camera that she wanted the other moms to witness it. A disinterested Abby opens it to find a bottle of Chanel perfume ("I would've given Abby a three-month trial membership to Weight Watchers," quips Christi).

When it came time to perform, all the girls nailed their solos with ease -- all except the newbie Kendall. It was a decent showing, but nothing spectacular like Jill had hyped it up to be. After the performances, Jill walks up to Abby in the crowded backstage dressing room and in front of everybody -- including Kendall -- asks how her daughter did. Kendall quietly sobs in the corner, which is caught by Abby's hawk-eye. "NO TEARS!" Abby yells. "You save those years for your pillow, in your room, alone. You're going to humiliate yourself in front of everyone in this dressing room... Suck it up, kid!"

The girls later win first place for their group performance, but that's not good enough for Abby, who proceeds to berate them all back stage. Kelly decides to stand up for everyone, harshly pointing out that Abby's childless. Abby shuts her down quickly, going as far as to mock Kelly and accuse her of not paying her bills on time. When Kelly defends herself and offers to show the credit card bills on her Discover card as proof, Abby responds, "You're the reason that I don't even take Discover any more -- Kelly, go and get a job!"

Kelly's response? "Don't even go there you whore. You are a WHORE!"

Melissa and new mom Jill bitch about the verbal beatdown away from the group, with Melissa warning Jill, "Never trust Christi or Kelly -- they'll stab you in the back as quickly as they can."

Jill closes the episode by stating: "These Dance Moms are crazy... It seems like the only person I can connect with right now is Melissa. I think I can trust her."

Think again, honey!