Observations, musings, and rants

FLO RIDA

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:33:00 +0000

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a fan of Flo Rida (the rapper), however, I am not going to pick on him. I am going to thank him for helping to provide two of the funniest and most disturbing segments on the Today Show ever!
He performed his hit record "Right Round" which includes the chorus:

(Flo Rida)
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
(Ke$ha)
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down

This is a feelgood song about strippers and sex. Nothing cryptic about the lyrics, right? (pssst... "go down" = oral... *wink*) Here is a link to the whole song here so you can read for yourself. CLICK HERE! I have nothing against the lyrics or the song... IN THE PROPER ENVIRONMENT. Watch the video.

Oh look! Little Billy loves the song. He wants if played at his 6th birthday party. And Grandma Hazel is getting her groove on too! Look! The normally stuffy and conservative Hoda is singing along too! She loves oral! They all love oral! Great for them! Is the Today Show REALLY the place to announce it? I am at home watching this and wondering if I am the only person in the world who hears what Flo Rida is saying.

Then this came on after the commercial break:

What the hell is that 7 year old doing there (Go to 2:00 in the video and again at 4:23 to see him grinding on the TV cart if you missed him)? And how does he know the lyrics and the dance.

Shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
Boots with the fur (with the fur)
The whole club was looking at her
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reebok's with the straps (with the straps)
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey)
She hit the floor (she hit the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low

I have got nothing against the song or the rapper, but damn Today Show... this is definitely Late Night territory you ventured into this morning.

KRAZY!

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:50:00 +0000

Ok, I am positive that if you have been awake for the last two weeks, you have heard something about this:

I saw an interview on the Today Show this morning with the ringleader. I have a few problems with this whole story. First of all, this ringleader had the audacity to claim that the women did nothing wrong and that they were the victims. I agree with her to a point. I am a very loyal person and I take the whole marriage thing very seriously. I believe that if you take the time to get married, then you need to take the vows seriously. I have no doubt in my mind that this guy was a scumbag, if only for the simple fact that he had two lovers on the side. With that said, I don't agree with her that the women did nothing wrong. I am all for confronting the guy. I am even fine that they tied him up. He is obviously an idiot for falling for the whole "I am going to tie you up for a massage" thing. WHO GETS TIED UP FOR A MASSAGE?!? But, the second they get physical and assault him with Krazy Glue, in the eyes of the law, it is wrong. The law doesn't take heartbreak into consideration. The ringleader also went on to claim that the she was involved to "protect her children and possibly other children." How is gluing a man's penis to his leg (although that is even unclear because some say his leg and others say his stomach) protecting children?
You can read the story and draw you own conclusions here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32370053/ns/today-today_people/

Random Thoughts and My Trip to the Grocery Store

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 18:25:00 +0000

Here are a couple of random thoughts for you...

1. If it always happens when you least expect it and I am always expecting it to happen; does that mean that it will never happen? What the hell is "it" anyway?

2. I was singing to my baby boy the other day because he was fussy. Among the few children's songs I actually know, I started singing "London Bridge." I tried to transition to "Mary had a Little Lamb" and I could not do it. I kept messing up the melody. Try this: sing "London Bridge" out loud a few times through. Then, start singing "Mary had a Little Lamb" right after without messing up the melody. It's hard, right?

The other day I went grocery shopping. Needless to say, I saw a couple of things that were quite amusing to me.

First thing's first: if you know me and we talk frequently, you have probably heard me talk about these...

I have never actually eaten one of these things, but I am guessing that the $249/lb. price tag is all hype. I have heard that these things are grown underground and specially trained dogs and pigs help people find them. I have heard some mythologizing about the taste ("Once you have it, you can't live without it."). I just could never bring myself to spend this much money on a little black fungi.

I found these in the produce section.

Nothing special to say about kumquats. This is not my first encounter. I just wanted to ask if anyone else thinks the name sounds really dirty/vulgar?

Finally, I found these in one of the snack aisles.

The picture is a little blurry (camera phone). These are dried shiitake mushrooms (second from the left). It's not so much the product as it is the placement. Are these really supposed to be a snack? I hope they aren't trying to compete with potato chips.

One last one from the road!

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:59:00 +0000

Hey all! I am still in New York until Tuesday and I am having a great time! The boys are a little burned out though. Here are a couple of funny things that I spotted in my travels (no bathroom graffiti in this one).

I was in Kohl's in Saratoga and I noticed this little guy on the register counter. His name tag says "Sir Credit the Frog." Man, the economy has definitely taken a turn for the worse when a frog statue is in charge of approving or turning down lines of credit.
This is part of an advertisement for the new passport cards that are available. I thought it was funny that Happy Traveler looks like a 50 year old businessman with gray streaks in his hair in the picture, but the date of birth on the card says that he is 28.

My favorite blog is the Blog of Unnecessary Quotes and I found some unnecessary quotation marks in a local newspaper yesterday. Is this Altima actually a regular Altima posing as a hybrid?

My family and I went to a Six Flags theme park yesterday and the parking lot had 12 MPH speed limit signs. I thought about it and was wondering how they came to the conclusion that 12 MPH was the safest speed? All of the speed limits that I have ever seen have been in increments of 5. 12 MPH seemed very random to me. Any thoughts?

Still on the road...

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:21:00 +0000

This past weekend we had our newest son dedicated at our favorite church up here in New York. Try explaining a completely abstract concept like God to a 3 year old who is very much in the concrete (see to believe) stage of development. Needless to say, he had some funny questions:
1. Does this church have a restaurant?
2 (while discussing why people pray with Mommy... why we can talk to God, but not see him) Does God have a telephone?
3. Is God an elephant? ("WTF?" is the first question that came to your head, right? He has a storybook on the topic and the main character is an elephant.)
All very funny questions.
Just last night, my 3 year old proved to be a comedian again. We were over at his uncle's house. My brother in-law is a cable technician and he was trained in gaffing (climbing up poles with special spikes on his boots) and he wanted to demonstrate for J. He didn't want to miss any of the action, but he had to go pee. His solution? Drop his pants in the middle of the field while watching without any verbal warning. When you are a potty trained boy, the world becomes your toilet.

More from the road

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:16:00 +0000

Here's a quickie for you!

A mathematical genius was obviously responsible for this sign. I spotted this at a going out of business sale. One can speculate that the person who made this sign was also responsible for the store's budget. If you do the math, 40% off $44.99 is actually $27.00 (not $43.19).
I spotted this license plate on a trip to Wal-Mart for traveling supplies today.

Someone needs to tell this guy that Angel Dust and anything to do with fire do not mix. I wonder what the PCP actually stands for? It's probably his initials.

Blogging from the road: Bathrooms, Death Metal, and WHOOTY

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:04:00 +0000

It's July, which means it is time for my family's yearly summer pilgrimage to New York. I'm not going to bore you with too many details. The only reason I am actually even writing right now is because the rest of my family members are either reading or watching Michael Jackson's funeral on TV. To me, watching a televised funeral is about as appealing as cattle prodding myself.
Our first potty break on the trip was at a Safeway off Braddock Road in Fairfax, Virginia. The bathroom was one of the scariest bathrooms I have ever encountered in my travels. I am glad that I didn't have to do a sit down job because there was no toilet paper. There was actually a roll of the brown industrial paper towels next to the toilet. Yikes! I did find a couple of amusing pieces of graffiti to share. No, my blog is not turning into the bathroom graffiti blog because this is the second post in a row to contain such pictures.

This is a mirror image of the words "Eat me" written on the side of a paper towel dispenser. The words you see aren't backwards (like you would typically see in a mirror image) because the person responsible actually took the time to write it backwards on the dispenser. THAT is dedication!

I saw this written on the wall. I have no idea what "BLoodz Beadooo Suwome" means. If you have any theories, please let me know!

Before we left for our journey, I was at home, bored, babysitting while my wife worked a short two week summer camp. I came across a show that I typically would not have given a second glance. The show is called "Uranium" on Fuse. This show does not really appeal to me because it plays videos by death metal, grindcore, and hardcore bands. I don't listen to these genres because (and here is my "old fogy" statement) they all sound the same to me. Take one part guitar and bass played at an incredibly rapid pace, one part drum sound that sounds like a helicopter, one part lyrics about violence and gore belched, growled, or screamed (incomprehensibly), and mix them all together. That is what it sounds like to me. I am not being negative, just truthful, because I have no doubt that it takes real talent to play guitar at that pace, and drum the way they drum. BACK TO THE POINT. So, I came across this show. In one segment, they were interviewing the death metal band Hate Eternal (asking questions in between playing video clips) . I found it very interesting to hear this band leader telling the interviewer about how this new album was inspired by the death of his old bass player and how the family of his old bass player was very supportive. The music that they play sounds like it was inspired by Satan, fatal car accidents, war, atomic bombs, and other horribly violent things. The interview was a little surreal to me, but have a look for yourself:

On the completely opposite side of the musical spectrum, what do you get when you cross a generic hip hop beat with a generic guitar part, several guys that cannot rap or sing (one apparently wearing pink lipstick), and the dumbest catch phrase in hip hop since "bling bling"? You get "Whooty" by Edubb. I found this video while channel surfing that same day:

"Whooty" is a mash up of the words "white girl" and "booty" (in case you didn't catch that). Yes, the guy with the lipstick proclaimed himself to be the "black Hugh Hefner," and no, the last guy on the song cannot sing. Those are obvious problems with this video and song. I noticed something else. The song is about white women with big asses and the video takes place in the "Whooty Sorority House somewhere on campus", but not all of the women in the video are white. I do not know a single black or Latin woman (I am pretty sure I saw a couple in the video) that would want to have anything to do with the "Whooty Sorority". Edubb and the makers of this video get the award for biggest dummies in the hip hop industry.

Is it too much to ask for some well written graffiti?

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:54:00 +0000

These are two of the most ridiculous examples of bathroom graffiti that I have ever been privy to. This anonymous lavatory wall poster decided to get all political (which is fine because politics has fueled angry thoughts and actions for years... what better way to exercise your anger than on a bathroom wall?) in a nonsensical and inarticulate way.
This first glowing example of stupidity was found under the toilet paper dispenser. The arrow is pointing to the floor (I immediately looked down to make sure I wasn't about to step on our president or one of his relatives). This would have made more sense if it were placed above the toilet with the arrow pointing down into the bowl. Although I wouldn't have agreed with the statement, at least I would have understood it.

Never mind the fact that the person that wrote this has no idea how to use capital letters and is clueless about proper subject-verb agreement; this person has no idea what a Socialist is which makes this complete contradiction in terms all the more funny. Socialism is, essentially, an economic theory in which the government owns all property and the means to manufacture goods. Those goods are distributed to the citizens equally. There is no private ownership. Everything is, more or less shared. If Obama was a Socialist, he would not be taking money from us and giving it to the banks and his friends; he would be spreading the wealth equally amongst his citizens. We teachers may actually have gotten our step raises this year. For the record, he has not stolen anything from me, either.

Baskets

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:16:00 +0000

This is a quickie (none of my postings have been particularly long for a while... this is a result of the frantic pace of my life at the present time).

I was watching Unwrapped (on the Food Network... one of the most entertaining shows on television) the other night and the theme of the show was summertime food. They did a segment on picnics and meandered onto the topic of Longaberger baskets. During this segment, they showed video clips of people who love Longaberger baskets and one woman said that she had over 800 of their baskets!?! This is alarming to me for two reasons. REASON #1: Who has room in their house for 800 baskets? She must have an impressively large home to house 800 baskets unless they are piled on top of each other in one room. If that is the case, what is the point? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 800 BASKETS? REASON #2: It is common knowledge that Longaberger baskets are not particularly cheap. So, I went on their website to confirm this. Their most inexpensive basket is $32.00, but a majority of their baskets seem to be in the $60-$150 range with some extremely expensive ones topping off at $1000 (click here and look for yourself). So, that means that this woman that Food Network found on the street belongs in a mental institution (in my mind). She has spent a bare minimum of $25,600 (800 X 32.00) on baskets and that is with making the foolish assumption that she purchased 800 of the same $32.00 basket. Couldn't she have thought of a better way to spend that money? Doesn't she have a child to put through college or a mortgage to pay on? Toss the money my way! I can guarantee you I wouldn't spend it on baskets!

Geez... so, I guess I am becoming a once a month blogger.

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:31:00 +0000

In the midst of end of the year testing at school and the whole fatherhood thing, I have neglected my blog. It's not as if a lot of people read this, so I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

I have a couple of pictures to show you, with a few more to follow soon (these were taken with my cellphone, so if the image quality is sub par, I'm sorry):

This first pic was taken on the hottest day of the year, thus far. I pulled up to a stoplight with my air conditioner going full blast because it was 95 degrees and the humidity was approaching 100% (sticky and uncomfortable), looked to my left and felt immediate pity for these two poor Chik-Fil-A employees (more so for the person in the cow costume, obviously). It was their turn to go out to the roadside and wave to cars driving past. I wonder what they did to deserve this?

File this under the "Here's something you don't see everyday" heading. This is certainly not the most outlandish thing that I have ever seen, but approaching the truck, I thought there was a really large dog riding in the back. My thoughts slowly turned to "What the hell is that?" as I got closer and realized that the thing in the back was not very dog-like in stature. Then I realized it was a stuffed bear. Obviously, this guy was so proud of the bear he had hunted down that he visited a taxidermist and paid big money to have it preserved... but what do you do with a giant stuffed bear? Does it ride in the back of his truck all the time? Is this guy a millionaire with a giant home that has a room dedicated solely to preserved animals that he hunted down (a trophy room if you will)? My other question, of course, is did he name it? May I suggest Yogi or Smokey?

I don't like hot coffee in the summertime, so I drink it iced when the temperature hit 75 degrees until fall. One morning last week, I was going through my normal getting ready for work routine, and as I was stepping out the door, I looked down and noticed that my coffee was smiling at me. So, I snapped a picture. I wish I had a story to tell about how this was a good omen for the rest of the day and I played the lottery and won that night, but I don't.

Wawa

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Ok, so on the way to work this morning, I needed another cup of coffee. I also had to relieve my bladder because I have a bit of a commute. I stopped in to the local Wawa (wonderful chain of convenience stores) to fulfill both needs. In the restroom, I spotted some graffiti that made me question the mental state of the vandals.

This first one really had me wondering. I believe that this is meant to say "FeDs SucK." I began to think about who would have written this. Was it a wanted drug dealer who was being chased across several states by the FBI? On a pee break in this multi-state pursuit he decided to scrawl his frustrations out on the corner of the paper towel dispenser?

This one clearly says "KONLI is SiK." I think that this is a sign of the times. Konli is clearly the latest victim of the swine flu epidemic. Here is hard evidence that another symptom of the swine flu is the inability to spell simple words like "sick".

Blogging from work (It's my lunch break)

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:54:00 +0000

As a teacher, there are funny occurrences to write about every day (I just never have time to and I eventually forget). Today, I was working with a second grader, introducing her spelling words for the week. We opened her spelling notebook to find her next fresh page. We came across a page that had tic tac toe games on it. I asked her who she was playing tic tac toe with in her spelling notebook. She looked me in the eye and very innocently replied, "I was playing by myself. I won." I had to share...

Back... sporadically.

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 02:08:00 +0000

To my two loyal followers and the dozen or so (maybe I am overestimating) people who actually read this, sorry I have been gone for so long. I've been busy adjusting to fatherhood for the second time.

First thing:
I was in Wal-Mart (my friend Edith's favorite store) grocery shopping (picking up the essentials like Scott toilet paper) when at the check out I noticed this in plain sight:

Yes! You still cannot buy a movie with the word "porno" in the title (see my previous post about Wal-Mart in which I rant about Wal-Mart censoring out the word "porno" on the cover of the DVD for the Kevin Smith film "Zach and Miri Make a Porno"), but you can buy this month's Cosmo which mentions sex how many times and has the words "bare-assed" on the cover? Hypocrisy in action!

************************************************************************************

This next picture is a contribution from my mother in law. She found this sign in the emergency room of the Glens Falls Hospital in Glens Falls, NY.

This sign is thoroughly confusing to me. This sign is basically giving the patients at the hospital permission to ask questions, right? Man, they run a tight ship. I always thought that permission to ask questions in a hospital was implied. "Excuse me, am I reading the sign correctly. I have permission to just ask any question about why I am here? Ok, so, I got shot and I am bleeding pretty badly. I was wondering, am I going to die before I get to see a doctor?"

That is nothing compared to the disclaimer on one of the forms that my wife had to fill out during our recent visit to the maternity ward. Ladies! At the bottom of one of the many forms this hospital throws at you to read and sign when you are in agonizing labor pains (a joke on their part, I am sure... we were supposed to be pre-registered) was the phrase: "If you are having difficulties reading this, ask your nurse to read it for you." Wow!

************************************************************************************

Going back a few years...

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:42:00 +0000

Here, you will get a glimpse into my teen years.

I first heard the Smashing Pumpkins when I was probably 14 years old. They had just released "Cherub Rock" as a single and were featured on my favorite show at that time, MTV's 120 Minutes. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning on Sunday nights to watch because that was the only show on MTV that played music that I cared about. I saw the video and thought that they had a cool sound. I then obtained a copy of their album Siamese Dream (either by legal means or illegal means, back then, you never knew with me) on tape. I wore it out. Then the Pumpkins blew up when "Today" came out and suddenly everyone was into them. Billy Corgan did an interview around that time (I read every magazine having to do with music back then) that I remember reading. He said that "Today" was written at a very low point in his life. He indicated that he was suicidal at the time and that song was essentially about offing himself. The lyrics are not particularly cryptic. They're not as hopeful as the first line of the song suggests. But isn't that what everyone remembers about that song? The first line?
So, imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Now, I am not going to bust on the formerly rabidly anti-sellout Billy Corgan for selling out because I believe that eventually everyone has a price. I am going to tell you that I believe that Mr. Corgan is playing an elaborate joke and is laughing every time the commercial comes on the television. I think that he saw the proposal for the commercial. Representatives from Visa told him that it is a commercial about hope and moving on with your life even amidst these tough economic times. "Mr. Corgan, can we please use your song? We feel that the message behind your song and the first line that says 'Today is the greatest day I've ever known' is what we're trying to communicate with this commercial." Billy then chuckles to himself knowing what everyone else in the world knows about that song and signs the deal.

How cool is this?

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:27:00 +0000

Last week, my almost 3 year-old son and I were in the car and he was quietly drawing on his portable Magnadoodle. He asked me what I wanted him to draw and I told him to draw a picture of Mommy. He got quiet for a minute and said "Ok Daddy! Look." This is what he gave me.
Am I wrong in thinking that this is VERY good for a 3 year old? You can see a very clearly defined head, an eye, and an overly exaggerated mouth and nose, right? He has never drawn anything like this before. His drawings are usually scribbles. But, I took a picture and am sharing because this is definitely something special. I think I even see a little Picasso influence in this slightly disjointed version of Mommy's face. What do you think?

My trip to the grocery store

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:38:00 +0000

On my trip to the grocery store yesterday, I saw two unmistakable signs that the apocalypse is coming. On my way there, I was fortunate to get behind this guy, my first sign:

In case you are unable to read the bumper sticker, it says," Not as mean, not as lean, but still a Marine."

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't the Marines the bad asses to end all? Aren't they toughest of all of our military? Are they not "the few, the proud?" According to this article, 250 insurgents in Afghanistan were unable to defeat 30 US Marines. THAT is bad ass. According to this bumper sticker, this Marine has gone soft? This cuddly Marine... unmistakable sign #1 that the apocalypse is right around the corner.

As I was on my way to the dairy section, I noticed this:

Scrapple (according to Wikipedia) is "a savory mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and flour, often buckwheat flour. The mush is formed into a loaf, and slices of the scrapple are then fried before serving." Why is this a sign of the apocalypse? BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY THIS AND EAT THIS. Pork scraps? Now they are mixing the crap left over after a pig is butchered with bacon? Obviously this is aimed squarely at the consumer that wants a little extra crap with their crap. This is not suitable for a dog to eat.

I am more than willing to bet that the people that are eating the scrapple are cooking with this.

Even though I have been in the south for 5 years now, I still find the big buckets of lard between the Crisco and corn oil in the grocery store amusing.

TODAY!

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:56:00 +0000

How many of you can say that you were on a nationally syndicated talk show today? I called in to the Mike O'Meara show today to play Password and actually got on! I sucked because I had poor reception. The word was "tick". When Mike said "deer" I thought he said "fear" after he had given me a couple of other clues. I thought that the word was spider. I got yelled at. In my defense, the reception to my cell phone was poor. Click on the link to download the clip and listen. It's only 30 seconds long. http://www.box.net/shared/lfendtoc5c

Funny things that I saw at Wal Mart today...

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 02:34:00 +0000

My family took our weekly shopping trip to Wal Mart today and I spotted a few things that I found amusing. So, I took pictures of them. These pictures are less than stellar because they were taken on my crappy camera phone, so pay attention to the descriptions.

Wow! Did this picture ever come out crappy! This is Bimbo brand bread. I find this funny for fairly obvious reasons. After further investigation, according to their website, they also sell donuts, cupcakes, poundcakes, and breadcrumbs in addition to other fine foods. Bimbo! Not only is it a slang term for a young, stupid woman with loose morals (see here); it is also a word to associate with baked goods.

We were browsing the toddler clothes section and found this hanging among other shirts. The piece of paper that is stapled to the collar indicates that this shirt is a recalled product and is not for sale because it poses some sort of health threat. Needless to say, I did not touch the shirt. I took my picture and walked away.

This one is not as obvious. You're saying to yourself right now, "Greg, what is so funny about mouthwash?" I will tell you. This is the brown antiseptic mouthwash that is the Wal Mart knock-off equivalent to Original Listerine. The funny thing is, the Original Listerine bottle makes no reference to flavor and neither did this bottle until recently. If you have had the displeasure of using either of these mouthwash products, you know that the taste is what you would imagine paint thinner to taste like. The alcohol feels like fire in your mouth and throat. I believe that it does its job of killing germs, but the scent of your breath is not really improved. So, the word "flavor" does not really belong on this bottle.

One thing that made me a little angry was an example of Wal Mart censorship (which makes absolutely no sense in my mind) that I spotted while walking past the dvd section on my way to get some diapers. One of my favorite directors, Kevin Smith, released his latest movie "Zach and Miri Make a Porno" this week on dvd and I saw the box prominently displayed. The dvd box displayed an incomplete title, though. It said, simply, "Zach and Miri" (you can view the sanitized box by clicking this link). I thought that maybe this was how all of the dvds were packaged, so I checked Amazon, Best Buy, FYE, Barnes and Noble, Hollywood Video, Movie Gallery, and Blockbuster and they all had the unedited original title on the boxes. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Greg, this is just Wal Mart protecting their young patrons from seeing risque' words like 'porno' that some parents would object too." Here is my complaint. Wal Mart needs to either go the full nine yards with the sanitizing the media that they sell or quit doing it at all. Cosmopolitan magazine is always on display at the checkout in Wal Mart. Last month's cover has the headline "Have an Orgasm Everytime." This month's cover displays the headline "What Sex Feels Like for Guys: Once you know the key arousal triggers, you can double his pleasure." Why isn't Wal Mart censoring this sex related print that is certainly just as offensive to some as the word "porno?" Once again, I should not be surprised because this sort of hypocritical, selective censorship has been going on at Wal Mart for years. It is well known that the biggest chain in the country will not carry cds that have a parental advisory sticker. They only carry edited versions of those cds that contain strong language and sexual/violent references. Yet, you can hear 139 uses of the f-word and watch a man have sex with a donkey when you buy the movie Clerks II (another Kevin Smith flick) right off the shelf at Wal Mart. CASE CLOSED!

Guess what? You're going to die someday.

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 02:19:00 +0000

Ok... the title is not subtle at all. I know. Here's why. The other day my family and I were in the car and it was Bridget's turn to choose the radio station. We take turns doing everything now because we have a toddler and we want to set a good example for him. Naturally, she chose the country station because she is a huge country fan. I am not a country music fan, but I tolerate it because I love my wife. About five minutes into our car ride to the store, a song came on that I did not immediately block out because the lyrics were the second most depressing, suicide inducing lyrics ever written. The song that I am referring to is former Hootie and the Blowfish (a band who I loathed as a teenager!) singer Darius Rucker's single "It Won't Be Like This For Long"(sample lyric: Someday soon she'll be a teenager/And at times, he'll think she hates him/And he'll walk her down the aisle/And raise her veil, But right now she's up and cryin'/And the truth is that he don't mind/As he kisses her goodnight/And she says her prayers). He is obviously talking from the point of view of a parent whose daughter is having a hard time sleeping. This is directly related to the single most depressing song ever written. Some of you are familiar with this song. It's by one of my wife's all time favorite singers, Kenny Chesney. The song is called "Don't Blink" (sample lyric: Don't blink/Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you/Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife/Don't blink/You just might miss your babies growing like mine did/Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"/Of fifty years is there in bed/And you're praying God takes you instead/Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think/So Don't blink). My wife informed me that she has heard those two songs played back to back on that station several times. How we don't have people purposely yanking their cars off the road into guard rails and telephone poles screaming "It's not worth it!" because of those songs is beyond me.

This car trip and those songs reminded me of my number one pet peeve. It has started to happen to me more often since I became a father. I don't like being reminded that I am going to die someday. I am well aware. I absolutely cannot stand it when I mention something cute that my son did and the person that I am talking to throws the conversation into the toilet by saying "WELL, enjoy it while it lasts." A simple statement, yes. But, those six words ruin my day because I start to think to myself, "You know? They're right." Soon, Jackson will start to need me less and less and will eventually turn into a teenager that resents me. I will go from being his hero to that old guy that shares a roof with him. Eventually, he will move out, I will continue to grow old. Impotence and incontinence will come rearing their ugly heads right before death. Sure, there are some great things that happen in there like becoming a grandparent and retirement. But, the end is the same for all of us. It's the natural progression of things. I can accept it. I am just not ready for it to happen when I am 29 going on 30. I sure as hell don't need to be reminded of it when I am trying to have a good time with my family or having a passing conversation at work. I like my small talk to stay small and I like my songs about mortality to be metaphoric.

The Snuggie

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 03:37:00 +0000

The Snuggie:
Now, I am sure that all of you have seen this commercial at least once or twice (and probably turned the channel halfway through).

I am going to call this one of the least innovative product ever marketed. IT IS A ROBE THAT YOU PUT ON BACKWARDS!
The best part about this product is, without a doubt, the commercial. I love the way that it starts out sounding like a Dr. Seuss book and suddenly stops rhyming and having any sort of rhythm. The woman at the beginning of the commericial is hilarious in her overacting as well, especially the way she throws the blanket off her shoulders to answer the phone and the shivering. Also, the scenarios that they put the Snuggie users in are ridiculous. I can see people using this backward robe that makes you look like a monk at home to keep you warm, but what self-respecting football fan is going to wear this to a game? I can see this being a REAL hit in a college dormatory as well.
I know that the Snuggie is an easy target. I just had to get that off of my chest.

5 Little Monkey: A Tragic Story of Greed?

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 19:11:00 +0000

My wife was reading/singing the old nursery rhyme/song "5 Little Monkeys" to our son. As I was listening, I started to think about how these events would play out in today's economic and health care crisis.

Here are the facts and assumptions:

1. A presumably single monkey mother (the father is never mentioned so he is either working or not in the picture) has 5 active little (more than likely toddler monkeys) who she is having trouble getting to bed.

2. Assuming that the father is not in the picture, Mom is more than likely not working. The reason I say this is because even with the most inexpensive daycare, very seldom can one person afford all of the basic needs for a family of 6 AND daycare for 5 on their own. The assumption that she is not a part of the upper 3% of the population who is either making over $250,000 a year or inherently wealthy is also being made. So, if she is not working and not inherently wealthy, she must be on government support in one form or another.

3. The calls in the song to the doctor were being made after practice hours because it was bedtime. What is the earliest you can possibly put a toddler to bed? 7:00? No doctor's office is open past 6:00, so she must have been calling a hospital and talking to a doctor on call. The local hospital has started charging insurance companies a fee of $20 per call for consultation with an on-call doctor or nurse. I can only assume that the doctors eventually see some part of this fee. Insurance companies are bouncing these consultation fees right back to the policy holder. So we are paying out of our pockets each time we make one of these after hours calls.

Let's now do the math and look at the implications:

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Okay, so there is one $20 fee out of the mother's pocket and into the pockets of the hospital and doctor respectively. That is $2o that could have gone to part of the rent. The doctor only said 7 words. That is about $2.86 per word spoken.

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Ok, so we are obviously dealing with a VERY panicky mother. But, the doctor is not giving her any reassurance or offering different advice. Those same 7 words are uttered and the same fee is charged. The tally is now up to $40. These phone calls are now cutting deeper into the mother's rent money.

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

$60 down the drain and the kid monkeys are still acting like kids. Mom now has to take money from what little she was setting aside for a new car to replace the '99 Town and Country that she purchased outright from a friend of her mother when she found out she was having quintuplets. The money was originally going to be spent on classes toward her nursing degree, but those dreams needed to be put on hold.

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

The tally is now up to $80. There goes the portion of little BJ's asthma medication that her insurance won't pay for.

One little monkey jumping on the bed
He fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

$100 down. I don't know how she is going to recover from this without selling off the television.

No little monkeys jumping on the bed
None fell off and bumped his head
So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said
Put those monkeys back in bed!

Inexplicably, no one is jumping on the bed and no one gets hurt. Mom still felt the need to call the doctor, presumably out of stress-induced madness after realizing the amount of money that she has spent ($120 so far). The doctor is clearly not concerned about the mother's state of mind. If anything, he/she sees it as an opportunity to make more money because he/she suggests that the mother put the monkeys back into the bed. Knowing toddlers, one bump on the head is not going to deter them from getting right back up and jumping on the bed again. The doctor knows this and will continue to get calls from this mother until the little monkeys either pass out from exhaustion or knock themselves out. I think that the doctor is hoping for at least one concussion which would require a doctor's visit and result in a windfall for the doctor.

A lot of assumptions were made, but I think that you will agree that this is a very sad nursery rhyme taking today's state of the nation into consideration. Don't get me started on "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe."

Tragic

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:41:00 +0000

This is going to be a quickie.
I just wanted to share with you something that I find to be both sad and tragic. My wife was flipping through the channels this afternoon and came across CMT. I am not a country music fan, but I took note for a second. A new season of their reality show "Gone Country" was being advertised and I noticed a familiar face on the show. Now, I realize that the point of this show is to take B-list celebrities that are not associated with country music out of their element and into the studio and onstage singing country music. Great! Plenty of washed up celebs have passed through the show's first two seasons. I think I saw that media whore Bobby Brown was on, along with one another one of the Brady kids. Good for them! I'm glad they both found another outlet to make money and garner them a little more attention years after their careers had gone the way of the Dodo. This face I saw, was the face of an actual credible artist. It was the face of the composer of some of the most important, influential, and beautifully funky music of all time. He is responsible for Maggot Brain and One Nation Under a Groove, two of the most important records of the rock era. It was the face of one of the reasons that we have Prince. This was the face of George Clinton. The guy is old, so I can think that maybe he was suckered into doing the show somehow, but it still makes me very sad. Let's hope that this is just a temporary case of senility and George is back in the studio soon.

When you give a toddler a camera...

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 19:03:00 +0000

I had to share a few of these pictures. My son received a toddler-friendly camera for Christmas and he went crazy with it. Here are the results:
This first picture is a picture of his new favorite superheroes book. I think it is very well framed, but a little heavy on the flash.

This next picture is a forehead, I think. I am not sure though, to be perfectly honest.

Here, we see him starting to really show off his skills as a photographer. Check out the transparent index finger on the hand of his Uncle. Simply amazing and artsy for a 2 year old.

I think he took this picture of his grandfather while he was running. Yes, I got a Wii Fit for Christmas.

I think this is actually a very cool picture. This is a self portrait, by J. How in the hell did he get his nose and mouth to disappear? I don't think I could do this with PhotoShop.

WTF?
This is clearly an abstract piece. Do you think that the blurriness represents the uncertain future of this nation during these hard times? Or, do you think that he may have been falling down while he had the camera in hand and just happened to press the shutter button?

Happy to be home...

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:28:00 +0000

My family and I are safely home. Our trip from Cambridge to Virginia took a lot longer than we expected. We got as far as Bel Air, MD Sunday evening around 5pm and decided to call it a day. We had gone about 30 miles in 4 hours. So, we managed to find a lovely Hampton in just off of 95, ordered some pizza and canolis from the local Vocelli's, and crashed. I have honestly never seen traffic that bad before in the almost 5 years that I have lived in this area.

Clark Griswald-ian

noreply@blogger.com (Greg) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 13:05:00 +0000

After another 200 ass-numbing miles, we have arrived safely in the wonderful little town of Cambridge. The snow is apparently following us because after we got here, an additional 2 or 3 inches of the inescapable white stuff fell on my father in-law's house.
On the way down, we discovered (in the midst of the salt and mud covered roads) that the Kia's windshield washer fluid reservoir had frozen. We were going down the road, mud and salt were being kicked up on our windshield and I was unable to clean it off. Dangerous? I think maybe. Upon inspection, the fluid was still present in the reservoir, but it had frozen solid. My solution? Let's stop every 10-15 miles to throw some snow on the windshield to clean it off. It was a very long afternoon, but we are here safely and that is all that matters.