Observations on the ridiculous and the sublime

Sanctity of Life

2012-01-12T05:51:00.000-08:00

Many women, men and in fact families will face an unplanned pregnancy this year. For a few this will be met with surprise, then joy as they anticipate what this new life will mean in their life. However for too many this news will usher in a crisis. This crisis will encompass thoughts about where their support will come from, how they will be able to provide for the needs of the neediest of individuals, an infant. They will feel like they have no “choice” except the “choice” of an abortion.

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday is held on the Sunday in January that falls closest to the day on which the Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton decisions were handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court on January 22, 1973. In response to the growing need of women to have true “choice”, Crisis Pregnancy Centers have emerged to support women when they feel like they are in a crisis due to an unplanned pregnancy. They however are not just concerned for the vulnerable fetus, but for the woman in whose womb this fetus resides. Even when the choice is made to have an abortion, that woman is still a concern for Crisis Pregnancy Centers.

Post Abortion support groups are there for woman who has made the choice to abort, but still feels the ripples of the “crisis”. For that woman the abortion didn’t bring her to a place of great relief. It may have even stirred up another crisis, one of faith. Post Abortion support groups are there to help this woman to obtain reconciliation with herself, her body, her maker. These groups emphasize that she is more than just a container for a fetus, but is in fact a valuable individual herself. As we recognize Sanctity of Human Life Sunday let’s not forget to offer support for those women who have chosen to abort in the distant or recent past, God’s love is also extended to them and he wants them to have a full and rich life in Him.

For more information on some of the challenges post abortive women face you can visit http://www.ramahinternational.org/post-abortion-syndrome.html/ . Of course this is not true of all women who have experienced an abortion, but for those who are still struggling, there is hope and help. Contact your local Crisis Pregnancy Center and ask if they are currently running a support group, or ask them to let you know if one is available locally, or if they themselves can start one. The post abortive woman should be encouraged to seek and pursue their wellness, they are worth it!!

Investment vs Commitment

2011-12-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

Many couples will say they are committed to their spouse when in fact they are really invested in their spouse and the relationship. Being invested may not on the surface appear to be a bad thing. In fact many of these types of relationships report that they are happy and healthy, with both parties reporting a high degree of satisfaction. The problem arises when one or both of these individuals start reporting a lower degree of satisfaction, that’s when the “investment” may not give the return that the couple expected. With committed couples however, the degree of marital satisfaction does not weigh as heavily as an indicator of whether the marriage will survive.

You see the difference between investment and commitment is “eggs and bacon”. The hen that lays the eggs has just invested, the pig that provides the bacon has committed. The couple that invests in their relationship and each other has also done something worthy, but like the hen can produce more eggs once one is broken, this couple views relationships as reproducible also. However the couple that views their marriage as a commitment has a better chance of still having a relationship even when it’s put through the fire. All marriages go through tests; the ones that survive best are the ones where the couples have committed to each other and their marriage.

Commitment hurts; it is a one shot deal. Unlike an investment, there is no looking back, hedging your bets and anticipation of a big “return” on your investment. For committed couples the only return is the serving of the needs of the other. You see the pig cannot give its life twice, whereas the hen can always lay another egg. If the couple views their relationship as a one shot deal; then having a rough time, and going through some heat will not diminish their marriage.

If you want to deepen your relationship then look to the pig for inspiration. Think “I’m all in and there is no looking back.” The pig sacrifices and satisfies. It gives with no hope of a return. Now this is not as pretty a sentiment as the analogy of the egg. With the hen, it can produce many eggs and the loss of one is not a big sacrifice, they can always produce another. Take a look at your relationship, if you are investing in it your doing well, if you are committing to it then you are doing great!

Timely Marriage Counseling

2011-06-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

An observation shared by my myself and several counselors is that many calls for marriage counseling come 2 years or more too late. Why 2 years? One theory is that it takes just that long for one of the marriage partners to agree that there are problems in the relationship which will not resolve themself naturally with time. Comments like “I didn’t know it was that bad, or that she/ he was that unhappy!” “Things have been bad for awhile, PMS doesn’t last this long does it?” “I was just waiting for my partner to get over the (fill in the blank, grief of a loss, adjustment to new financial reality, trauma of infidelity, or just any trauma) are common. The desire to avoid and deny the depth to which a partner is suffering is commonplace. Mostly because of a sense of helplessness on the part of the one who is suffering the least. But make no mistake the suffering is shared.

Loving couples rarely have the skills to go through the “worse” spoken about in their vows together. Therefore when the “better” turns into the “worse” it is natural to hope that it is temporary, and many times it is. Many loving couples will recall trials their partnership has survived, and wonder what made this trial different. They don’t take into consideration that marriage like many things in life, if not nourished, will not be able to survive crisis. It’s the healthy plants that have the best chance of surviving the drought.

You can’t go back and undo the leaching of strength that for the last 2+ years has occurred in your relationship. But you can recognize what it now lacks and work with someone you trust to build it back up into something that nourishes both of you.

The Quality of Our Time

2011-03-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

On a recent vacation I was surprised to see how many couples and families were together on the cruise, but not really.

There was a young mother and her daughter in line behind me. The mother explained to me that she and her 13 year old don’t get to spend much time together so she was looking forward to the cruise as an opportunity to rebuild the bonds with this teen. The goal was admirable, but in the midst of our conversation she, several times actually, checked and in fact responded to text messages that were being sent to her phone. Her daughter waited patiently by her side with a bored look on her face, while her mother interacted with me somewhat, and with her phone a lot. Later on I had the opportunity to observe them on the cruise. The daughter had the same look on her face while the mother, though phone less (no doubt due to being in international waters) looked loss as to what she should do with her sullen teen.

A middle aged couple that was on line also appeared to be having problems leaving their busy work lives behind. As we waited for close to an hour to board the ship I and several others on the line were forced to listen to the woman argue rather loudly with what we could only assume was a work colleague, while her spouse stood by her side waiting for her attention. A brief pause in the hostile discussion on the phone brought her attention to her partner. At which point she regaled him with her frustration at dealing with this underling and other assorted opinions regarding the conflict she was attempting to solve, on the phone, on vacation. His expression, like the teens, was also telling. My friend, who was vacationing with me, and was aware of the line soap opera, described his expression as “disgusted”.

When planning for this cruise, I envisioned a lot of down time and suggested to my husband that I would take a book and perhaps my laptop to do some writing while onboard. He promptly nixed the idea of the laptop, but conceded that the book idea was good. He wanted me to concentrate on spending the time with my friends, who were the reason for the trip. Such good advice!

It occurs to me that our times of connection with God are no different than the interaction I observed in the two families above. Even when we set aside time to attend to spiritual matters (i.e. attend church, do a quiet time, pray, meditate) we fall into the trap of bringing the business of our daily lives along with us and miss the joy and purpose of spending quality time with God.

We need to be cautious and not bring things that keep us connected to our temporal space, into our sacred space. Television, radio, computers, telephones, all keep us grounded to the here and now, and prevent us from achieving that feeling of transcendence that is available to us in God’s presence. Who hasn’t written out their grocery list while the sermon droned on at church, or abruptly ended a prayer or bible reading because the phone rang and it could be important. We forget that we are engaged in something important, the building and strengthening of our relationship with God.

That mother took time away from work, other family and friends to spend time with her daughter. Yet she spent a lot of time with others on the phone. I assume that the couple also took time away to be with each other, yet she stayed focused on work issues. If we make the time to tend to our spiritual needs, as we should, then we need to be vigilant to make that time quality time.

Eye of the beholder

2011-02-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

Following the reading of a recent New York Times article "Ethnic Differences Emerge in Plastic Surgery" one would have to conclude that over time the world may be populated with more beauty challenged individuals. This is not an observation about the environment or politics. It’s about vanity. With the rise of plastic surgery, botox, beauty treatments, spas, hair extensions and cosmetic tattoos it is almost impossible to know what people really look like.

Today if you are born with bad teeth, you don’t have to live a life subjected to hiding your smile. You get those teeth capped and your smile will now attract people to you instead of keeping them away. If you are genetically doomed to lose your hair, well no problem, all you need are hair transplants. If you are a woman with thin hair, then you get weaves and extensions. If the hair is not where you want it, there is laser hair removal for that and waxing. What about if you have bad skin, there is dermal micro abrasion to correct that. Now put it all together in one person. Well it puts a new spin on the “we can rebuild him” comment made about the 6 million dollar man.

All these procedures while harmless for the most part, are creating a world where instead of the most beautiful, the strongest, and healthiest surviving, the most artificially enhanced are multiplying and creating a Darwinian nightmare. Think about it like this. The primary source of attraction for most couples was the looks of their mates. After the looks drew them, then they searched for some other secondary things like values or character to determine whether they wanted to become involved with the person on a deeper level. However today many don’t even dig to the next level, they determine that the attractive person is the one they would like to have babies with, and without any moral or societal restrictions in place, go for it. What the person doesn’t realize is that DNA doesn’t lie. The resulting child is a representative of the truth of the parents looks, not a representative of the lie that brought them together.

Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I have nothing against anyone’s looks. Variety in looks makes for a more interesting world. Variety is what made Baskin and Robins famous, remember 31 flavors? I don’t see why looks has to be a vanilla, chocolate, and perhaps strawberry if you are feeling wild and crazy, kind of a choice. It’s good to have access to variety. However that is not what we are having today. There are some set features that appear to be the features that everybody wants. And now people have the means of getting those features through non traditional means. If this keeps up then those who have not taken advantage of modern means of enhancing, most possibly because they look fine just the way they are, may be eligible for extinction. Then all that will be left are those for whom artificial enhancements are their only hope of attracting a mate. Their children, as I said before will reflect the truth of their DNA, and the cycle will continue with the globe being populated by more and more beauty challenged individuals. Darwin must be turning in his grave!!!

Repurpose or Replace

2010-12-26T03:22:00.000-08:00

How many broken things do you have in your home, in your life? As I opened my cupboard I noticed that I had three teacups stored there without handles. The handles had broken off, but the cups were still good, so they were not thrown out. Was there a plan to glue back on the handles? No, I don’t think so. Was there a plan to use the teacups in a different manner? Yes, but I’m not sure how they were going to be used. You see the teacups were part of a dinner set. The rest of the set was still useable, and the teacups were of the same pattern, so it made it hard to get rid of them, because then the set would be incomplete. This sense of destroying the completeness of the set, even as I acknowledge that these items no longer benefitted the set, was somewhat disturbing.

In life it can be like this. We will sometimes recognize that there are things in our lives that are broken. It could be old relationships, behaviors or attitudes. At one time these relationships, behaviors and attitudes fit into an established pattern. This pattern could be seen in the way we conducted our life. But then perhaps we began to change, hopefully for the better. As we live we continue to develop and grow, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. With this growth sometimes things need to be broken. Old relationships can become inconvenient or no longer useful, like a teacup without a handle. Yet the memory of their past purposefulness or the fact that they fit in a pattern that has not been totally thrown out makes us hesitant to get rid of them. So we wait until the set of dishes is reduced to only one or two pieces before we can get rid of all the broken items of that pattern. We don’t like to fully discard old things until we are sure the new is accessible.

A better way to look at life is to see that all the brokenness is just God’s way of moving you more quickly to the new. When we stubbornly refuse to get rid of what is broken, life, like our cupboards become cluttered with the useless. Let’s take the time to take stock of the things that have cluttered up our lives, assess them, if they cannot be repurposed, then replace them with items, people, behaviors or attitudes that are useful to the new life you are pursuing.

The Art of the Apology

2010-12-21T03:41:00.000-08:00

“She was talking smack about me all day then after I complained to the teacher, like you always tell me to do, she comes to me and apologizes” Jean told her mother.

“If she apologized, then I don’t know why you are still angry at her” the mother replied.

“Well I wasn’t angry at her until I asked her what she was apologizing for. She just gave me a look and said, Whatever you are so pissed about”. Mom she acted like I was in the wrong, like she didn’t know why I should be upset. That’s when I really got angry at her. I told her if she didn’t know why she was apologizing then she shouldn’t, and that I wouldn’t accept her apology.

Jean’s mom processed this new information and asked her daughter “What did she say when you told her that”.

“She just said “whatever” and walked away. Was I wrong to reject her apology?”

The above conversation reveals some basic truths about apologizing. One is that we as adults believe that an apology is required when a wrong has been done. Two we aren’t taught the art of the apology, which involves self examination and ownership of wrong doing, we just sort of pick it up from media examples. And three, we are often exposed to models of apologies that strike us as insincere. This nullifies the value of the apology and promotes cynicism. Jean refused to assign worth to something that was essentially worthless. For the purpose of this article we are defining an apology as: An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense; a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing.

Why should one apologize, and if you agree an apology is needed, how do you do it? The why’s of the apology are moral (or spiritually defined) and at times legal (culturally defined).

From a moral, biblical standard, apologizing is commanded in James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another… The idea here is that the apology is not just an “I’m sorry”, but it is an actual confession of the offense in the presence of the offended party. “I’m sorry I spoke negatively about you to others”. Only by confessing are both parties aware of what offense is being covered. The apology is not just for the person who acknowledges that they have offended another party, but interestingly enough it is for the party that is aware that someone may have a dispute against them, even if they are not sure what that dispute is.

Matt 5:23-24 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. In this case the purpose of the apology is not to confess, but to restore a relationship. “I am aware that you are angry with me, though I am not clear on what has caused this anger I am willing to listen and work on restoring our relationship once the matter is presented to me.” This offers the offended party hope, and is a better response than ignoring the other’s anger, or returning anger for anger “What’s your problem?” or, “What did I do now?” The reason why this is necessary is that many times overtures by the non offended party will be rebuffed because the wound was never adequately addressed, so healing was never achieved. Then new wounds build on the old, which can make for a relationship that is very damaged and difficult to repair.

At times an apology needs to incorporate more than the two parties involved as in the case of Paul and Silas and the magistrates as told in Acts 16. The police were called to arrest them, and they were pretty much roughed up then thrown in prison. They were thought to be Jews, and as such mistreated by the legal system. When the magistrates realized their error they were concerned that the Roman government would retaliate and wanted to hide their error, but Paul insisted that they own up to it and offer an apology to them directly before ushering them out of the city. Acts 16:38-39The police reported these words to the magistrates, and they were afraid when they heard that they were Roman citizens. So they came and apologized to them. And they took them out and asked them to leave the city.... Having the magistrates personally escort them out of prison was a public confession of sorts that the magistrates had wronged Paul and Silas by jailing them. In the scenario given above, the apology if sincere would have been most effective if given in front of the persons who were also there when the offence was being perpetrated. This is why it is good to encourage children to own up to their mistakes in front of the group of people who witnessed the offense. We sometimes see this prescribed where there is a public apology issued by a corporation or a country. If the offense was private, the apology can be private; if it was public the apology should also be public.

The Art of the Apology varies according to the situation. As noted above private offenses should be handled privately, but public offenses are best handled publically. Like millions of others I been subjected to public apologies on TV; by political figures, television celebrities, and sports figures. It has perplexed me why I needed to hear an apology by Tiger Woods for his sexual misconduct. His was a private offense, his apology needed to be to his family, and perhaps the people who were financially tied to him who were to be negatively affected by his misconduct, not to his large fan base and others. However there appears to be this trend towards making public individual publically atone for private misconduct. The only consequence that I can see is that it promotes further cynicism about the value of an apology.

Before a person can truly apologize they have to recognize their error. They have to admit personally to themselves that they have failed. This is the hardest part both for children and adults. Many times the apology is a consequence for getting caught and is about avoiding a worse consequence, (i.e. jail time, loss income, being grounded). However, an attempt should be made to have the offender look at how their actions have adversely affected another party. If there is any remorse then an apology no matter how awkwardly tended needs to be made. The Art of the Apology is not in it eloquence, but in its sincerity. It should reflect the genuine sorrow and regret for actions taken or not taken by the offender. Whether verbal or written, a sincerely given apology has great power. It can restore relationship, as well as heal emotionally and physically. Many are physically affected by regrets that they live with daily. Many have depression; engage in self harm (addictions, cutting, and inability to maintain healthy relationships) due to regrets that they refuse to deal with. Remember you don’t always have to know that you have offended to initiate the apology. You can also approach a party who displays anger to you and use an apology to seek reconciliation.

If the person that you believe you have offended is no longer accessible to you (death, distance, or legal restrictions) you can still apologize by writing out your apology. Be clear about your offense (what you did or did not do), clearly state the affect you believe it had on the individual (did the offense change their life?) and what you would do if you could do something different or how you plan to handle your life going forward as a testament to your new awareness (I will attempt to live my life addiction free, realizing that it is the best way I can make up or atone for what I did to you). Once you are satisfied that what you wrote adequately expresses your feelings your choices are to destroy it or to keep it. If there are no legal restrictions to your contact with the individual, you can mail it. In no part of an apology should you demand anything of the person you offended. They are not required to forgive you or meet with you to discuss the offense if this is not their wish.

A common misconception is that all apologies must be met with absolution. The only one able to give absolution is God who sees and knows the heart of the individual. He searches your heart and if your apology is sincere the Bible promises that forgiveness is given to you. Now you may still have consequences (grounded, stressful relationships, financial hardships, legal consequences, etc.) But you are assured of forgiveness. The offended party may need time to forgive the offense, if in fact they ever do, but you are to consider yourself forgiven. If you don’t then it may cause emotional harm to you and lay a foundation of resentment that undermines the healing that can be accomplished by an apology. 2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorry brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorry brings death. Moving forward without the acknowledgement of the offended party that they forgive you may be difficult, but it is not impossible. It requires daily knowing that your new purposefulness will daily give testimony to the sincerity of the apology given. In cases where the offense is a habit that is difficult to stop, it becomes even more important that you go through the steps of the apology each time. In AA, they have step 9 where you apologize to all the people you have wronged while engaged in your addiction. This is important, but many of these individual will admit that the apology is not the period at the end of a life of offenses. There are ingrained habits that accompany some offenses that need to be rooted out; each apology brings you closer to the root of the issue until it is finally rooted out of the spirit of the individual. So keep apologizing for any new offenses (not the old ones that you have already addressed), even if others get tired of it, you need to continue to do so. By acknowledging your offense, clearly looking at how it is impacting the lives of those you care about and making a plan to move your life in a different direction, you will be showing the sincerity of your apology. The art of the apology again is in its sincerity.

If you respond with anger at the consequences that your offense has generated, then the question is, were you really sorry? This is often the case with children. They may apologize, but then retaliate by slamming a door, or going away pouting. This plants seeds of doubt about the sincerity of the actual apology. In Genesis 4:6, Cain’s response to not having his offering accepted by God was to pout. God’s response was “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?” He went on to tell him that his attitude revealed that he didn’t feel God was fair in how he handled the situation. Many times a child will believe an apology should cancel out a punishment (“But I said I’m sorry, why do I have to go to my room?”) Again, it’s important to realized that an apology doesn’t in itself negate some natural consequences of offending. There may be consequences that linger over time, but if your response is to be angry that these consequences are in effect, then, it may be that the apology is not as sincere as the offended party was lead to believe. Adults will also respond the same way. (“I said I’m sorry, why won’t you go back out with me?”) A sincere apology will recognize the right of the offended party to respond emotionally in a way that makes sense to them at the time (withdrawal, distance, legal separation).

Even though an apology will not take care of all that is wrong in a relationship, it is a first step to bringing healing in many. Is there a coworker that has offended you, or that you have offended? Is there a romantic relationship that is experiencing some stress at this time due to unaddressed hurts? Is there a fellow student or peer that has been causing you grief? By learning the Art of the Apology, and exercising it you will become proficient and perhaps become what Matthew 5:8 describes as a “peacemaker”. If you become a peacemaker, you are called (recognized) as a child of God. That is a wonderful designation to have following any disgrace; it implies that you have been forgiven. Live out that forgiveness by doing well!

Should I stay or should I go?

2010-08-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

Should I stay or should I go, may be the line of a song, but it is also a question parents ask of themselves when their teens tell them that they want to be left alone. Most parents, if not all have experienced that time when it seems the main goal of the adolescent is to get rid of the parent. All the messages seem to indicate that they no longer have use for the rules, advice or even comfort of their parent. They separate from family appearing to choose the relationships they have formed with friends or a romantic other. Parents are only human and over time the rejection can begin to hurt, so they wonder should they listen to the adolescent and get out of the way or should they persist and continue to try influence their child.

We recently went to see Nanny McPhee Returns with our DOVES (Daughters of Virtue Excellence and Standards) group. This is a mentoring group for young girls. The girls in the group were middle and high school age. I feared the movie may be a bit childish for them, but as I and another mentor sat behind them in the theatre, we observed them laughing and being engaged in the story plot. Nanny McPhee states in the movie “When you don’t want me but need me I must stay, when you want me but don’t need me, I must go”. When one of the kids asks her about this odd rule, declaring that he would never want her she quietly acknowledges him but insists that that is the rule she lives by and therefore so must he.

I thought about that rule as it applies to parenting adolescents. The parenting of an adolescent is very difficult and a parent will hear or receive in various other ways the message over and over again “I don’t want you here, I don’t want you in my room, I don’t want you talking to my friends, I don’t want you asking me questions about my life away from you, I don’t want you…fill in the blank” If we believe these messages we will pull back and allow the child to live their life and make their mistakes and perhaps learn from them. However the secondary message also needs to be heard by parents of adolescents. That message is sent by their behaviors, and their emotional instability. That message says “I need you because I am not sure of what I am doing, I need you because the world is still mysterious to me, I need you because there is danger out there that I can’t see.” This message is not heard with the ear, it’s heard with the heart of the parent. It’s quiet and can be drowned out by the screaming of the first message, but a parent needs to tune into that message.

As parents of adolescents, we can take a page out of Nanny McPhee’s book and state that “When you don’t want me but need me I must stay. When you want me but don’t need me I must go.” We do have a time when our active parenting is no longer required and for the health and future independence of our children we should stop that aspect of parenting at that time. However the time to stop is not when they tell you to. It’s when you can see through their behaviors, their choices and the way they problems solve, that they no longer need you to monitor or direct them, that is when you must stop and let them enjoy the self determination that you have raised them to experience. Parent’s of adolescent, be encouraged, your children will declare that you are not needed, and unwanted, but ride out the storm and quietly see them safely to the shore of adulthood.

Proverbs 23:15-16 (The Message) – Dear child, if you become wise, I’ll be one happy parent. My heart will dance and sing to the tuneful truth you’ll speak.

Flying without Fear

2010-08-05T02:49:00.000-07:00

As a therapist I spend a lot of time working with people who have challenges to their thought process. These challenges promote and support their depression and anxiety. Recently I had the joy of hearing how a client who attended one of my support groups overcame his fear of flying. He had expressed his anxiety over an upcoming flight that he had to take and was asking his group members for ideas on how he could endure the 1 hour flight given his heightened anxiety. Several group members reminded him of some tools that we had focused on over time. He then turned to me and wanted to know if there was anything else that could help him. I suggested he engage in visualization. This group member was a devout Christian and stated that he attended church on Sunday. The service was an hour, and though it produced some degree of anxiety for him to sit confined for that hour, he was able to endure and even enjoy it. I suggested he visualize instead of being on the plane for an hour; that he was in his church service for an hour. We had not done a lot of work on visualization as a group and I didn’t go into a lot of specifics with him, but off he went with that idea.

The next time the group met, his other group members and I were all curious to know how he made out on his trip. What he said was so delightful and insightful I promised to share it with others. Here is his answer to our question about his anxiety about the flight.

“Well, I took your advice and visualized that instead of boarding a plane, I was going to church. I was met in the vestibule by some charming ladies who directed me to my seat. The pews were three seats on one side and three on the other side. After all were seated we saw the pastor and co-pastor who made brief appearances and welcomed us. They then went behind a blue curtain, but we continued to hear their voices as they conducted the service. Communion was served shortly after. Some of the members fell asleep, and others like myself were attentive. The experience was uplifting, and when it landed I was in a better place than I had been when I first entered.”

Needless to say the group and I were fascinated by the way he interpreted the advice to “visualize” going to church. He stated that he kept his mind occupied the whole flight by looking for analogies between flying and going to service. He was mentally challenged and enjoyed himself in the process so much that he didn’t notice his anxiety. As a therapist we often teach our client’s tools to help them overcome challenges in their life, it’s always a delight when a client moves beyond what you have said and improves on it. The mind is a powerful tool that God has given us and I believe that he also delights in it when we use it in creative and helpful ways, both for ourselves and to help others.

Philippians 4:8 – Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever this are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, think on these things.

Spiritual Counseling for the Non-Spiritual and those with strongly held Spiritual Biases.

2010-04-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your client confides that she is strengthened by the prayers of others and looks to you to pray with and for her? Another client doesn’t want to access a certain course of treatment for his disease until he has spoken to his religious community about it. Still another is not sure that she wants to learn meditation to help reduce her anxiety because she believes it conflicts with her Christian beliefs. As a therapist you are now thrust into the area of spirituality. To ignore your client’s confidences undermines the therapeutic alliance you have sought to build, but lack of knowledge about their beliefs may leave you feeling ill equipped to help them explore the thought processes that inform their decision making. For many therapists this becomes an uncomfortable reality.

This lack of comfort may come from many places. It may be due to personal beliefs that preclude delving into spiritual matters. It may come from your own belief that spirituality is a personal private thing, not to be analyzed or explored by others. It may originate from hostile feelings towards any transcendent reality and the organizations that support it. Or you may be deeply committed to a spiritual viewpoint that is not inclusive of all spiritual viewpoints. What ever your personal belief system, it is important to note that in the course of dealing with clients and their crisis, issues and diagnosis, spirituality will inevitably rear it’s head. Accept it as a reality, maybe not yours, but a reality never the less that must be addressed with the client, if you are to be able to help them in resolving the issues that have brought them to you.

If you are not comfortable with spiritual topics in the therapeutic relationship, here are some basic ways you can work through your discomfort.

1. Remind yourself that this issue is important to your client. You don’t have to be proficient in their belief systems to acknowledge its importance to the client. Something as simple as “It would seem that you place a great deal of value in the prayers of other’s for you.” Or “What does it mean to you to know that you are being prayed for?” These responses can be ways of acknowledging another’s spirituality without implying that you share their views or are even in support of them.
2. Adopt the attitude of a student. Many clients who have strongly held spiritual beliefs are open about sharing them if they feel the listener is open to hearing in an impartial manner. Prefacing your questions by informing the client of your goal, which is to better your understanding of their values may make it easier. Something such as “I would like to understand what views you hold about meditating that are so disturbing to your strongly held Christian beliefs, could you tell me more?”
3. Do a personal spiritual assessment. Understand what your spiritual perspective is and what your concept of God is. Be honest with yourself about whatever biases you may hold regarding individual spiritual communities. As famous author James Baldwin stated “A child cannot be taught by anyone who despises him, and a child cannot afford to be fooled”. Our client’s though not children, come to us with childlike trust. If we harbor beliefs that reveal contempt for their spirituality then it will be difficult, if not impossible to teach them new skills or to assist them in developing more healthy ways of approaching the conflicts in their lives.
4. If you find that you hold a spiritual belief or value that directly conflicts with one of your client’s ( i.e. He believes that only those who believe that Jesus is God are true Christians, and you believe that Jesus was a prophet, but not God, and feel you are a Christian or visa versa), you may find that your client’s viewpoint is offensive. Remember that the therapy is not about your beliefs as much as about helping the client use what in his belief structure that can assist him. That may be a good time to ask him “How does having your belief give you hope?” Keep the focus on your client. You don’t need to educate him about what you believe to be errors in his doctrine or theology. You don’t need to debate or go in to an eschatological discussion.
5. Some harmful faith traditions or doctrines can also be discovered when a spiritual discussion is engaged in. For this reason, many therapist fear that speaking about spiritual matters may open a Pandora’s Box of information that they will be forced to address or act upon. You need to define harmful. From a legal standpoint it is clearly defined for you by the laws of your state. You need to be familiar with those laws (i.e. a religious belief that supports sexual contact with minors is in opposition to the laws of this country and to the moral code of most communities. Your mandate is to act in the best interest of the minor, if you become aware that sexual activity with a minor is happening. If you don’t believe it is occurring but are still troubled that your client sees no problem with it, you need to assess whether the issue is salient to the issue that brought them into counseling. Remember therapy is not an evangelistic exercise. It may just be enough to remind a client of the laws of the state and your obligation to those laws. They may chose to stop seeing you as a result, or may value your honesty about this and chose to stay focused on the salient issues at hand. Less obvious harmful beliefs can also be recognized if the therapist listens closely. A spiritual viewpoint that hold’s God as primarily a punisher of people who are doing wrong, may be a factor in the extreme guilt and feelings of hopelessness experienced by a client. It is at that time that the therapist must be able to stretch themselves and join the client on a discovery for a more loving image of their deity. Remember there are happy and depressed people of every religion and denomination. There is not a religious perspective known that shields it’s adherents from suffering. It is important that the client and therapist both discover what aspect of this faith system also allows for client to receive health and resolution of their problems. This may not be the best solution that you can prescribe, but as a therapist it is important that you entertain it with your client. You may also want to present to them some helpful suggestions that move outside their faith, but are not in opposition to their beliefs and spiritual practices. Ultimately the client is seeking to survive and live a better life, that’s why they are working in this therapeutic relationship with you. Thrust your client to make a choice or decision that will ensure that they leave therapy better than when they first entered.

Remember to ignore or reject the client’s spiritual dimension is to limit your ability to effectively work with them. It is only by engaging in a discussion about the spiritual beliefs and practices of a client will the therapist be equipped to provide the most effective services to that client, in a manner that will be culturally sensitive.

Just as it is important to assess the spiritual beliefs of your client, it is important to understand your spiritual beliefs also. As a Christian counselor, I hold a very strong personal belief about Jesus and his role in the life of his followers. I am also evangelistic in my belief system, desiring that everyone I meet share this belief in Jesus because I believe in the salvation Jesus promises. My client’s however come to me from many differing religious perspectives. I have had Christian and non Christian clients, as well as client’s who deny any religious beliefs or are hostile to the idea of spirituality. The therapy session is not to be used as a setting to “preach” to my clients, but I believe that it can be evangelistic in the best way. As St Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the gospel at all times… if necessary use words.” A Christian’s counselor’s goal is not primarily to convert someone of their beliefs but to live out their beliefs in the presence of the other as they help the client work through their problems. A Christian Counselor’s witness is in their life and their commitment to help the client live a life that is consistent with the healthy values and teachings of Jesus.

The Book of Eli

2010-01-31T04:49:00.000-08:00

Great Movie. I could end my review there, but the nature of reviews is that you explain why the movie was great. Well that is not as easy as perhaps with other movies. This is a deceptively complex movie. On the surface it appears to be a typical post apocalyptic movie, in the genre of Mad Max, Waterworld, where there is a messianic type savior to offer some hope. This however is where the movie diverges from what is expected.

Denzel Washington is not your Mel Gibson, or Kevin Costner, he has a secret. At first you think you know what it is, and the movie focuses in on this. The movie is slow at times and is interspersed with action scenes that do a good job of waking you up. Because you think you know what the ending will be you may become complacent and not follow the plot too closely, but here is my warning, don’t become complacent. The ending will be a surprise.

The surprise, though not shocking, will change your view of the movie. At a time when most big name movies focuses on sex or drugs, and is liberally sprinkled with profanity and nudity, I found this movie refreshing in its conservative use of these elements to move the movie forward. It offers an unashamed viewpoint on what could be viewed today as controversial, but doesn’t come off as preachy. It was definitely worth the ticket, price, which is a rarity today.

The Fear Factor

2010-01-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

The theme of fear is a recurrent one when dealing with people who feel stuck, emotionally or physically. Sometimes the fear is of something real, at times it is fear of the imagined. When you strive to help the individual recognize their fear, approach it and work through it the amount of resistance that the person can manifest is amazing. To get them to first recognize the role of fear in their approach to life, can in and of itself be life changing. With this realization the person can sometimes feel energized to approach the fear, come close to it so that they can neutralize it with understanding and behavioral tools. It’s not surprising however that the opposite can also happen. This is a time that those working with the individual can get very frustrated, and that the individual also can feel that they have disappointed those trying to help them and stop seeking help.

This fear that paralyzes people, sometimes appears to be an insurmountable obstacle to moving forward in life. In Judges 6 we meet a character named Gideon who embodies all that is timid and fear driven. He is a young man charged by an angel of God to be a “mighty warrior”. Something that he has never seen himself as and no one in his community sees him as either. As you read Judges 6 -9, you see his journey from fear to faith. His constant need for reassurance that he can accomplish the tasks given to him is at times funny, and at times annoying. But through it all you can see that God has patience with him and meets his fear with reassurance.

The message for those of us working with people who are paralyzed with fear is to know that we need to be patient with them. It difficult to change long held beliefs about ourselves, especially when we are surrounded by a community that agrees with our poor image. In Judges Gideon was not removed and placed in a more supportive community, but was challenged to believe who God said he was, in spite of what he or anyone else claimed him to be. We in the helping professions know that at times we are the only voice that a person will hear that supports a positive self image. We may be the voice that tells them that they can achieve a change of lifestyle, accomplish a goal of wellness, be it physical, or emotional. And in the process we may have to extend a lot of support and reassurance to help them to keep moving forward. Because as we know; most change doesn’t occur overnight. We need to recognize the power of fear and be ready to go the distance with those we are committed to help. The hope is that the end result resembles the end that Gideon was able to realize. He went from not seeing himself as a “mighty warrior” to being recognized by his greatest enemy as having the “bearing of a prince”. He was no longer taunted, laughed at and was recognizable to himself and other as mighty.

Tolerating Christ at Christmas

2009-12-11T04:09:00.000-08:00

Even as Christmas is a major holiday for Christians, I was reminded as I watched a popular sitcom that the Christ of Christmas is still struggling to be accepted by this world. The show Community is a show I find funny, with an interesting ensemble cast. The group of students that comprise the show are all quirky in their own loveable way, and the show attempts to bring out their strengths as well as their weaknesses using humor. This episode focused on Shirley the resident Christian, who is outspoken, but caring of the other group members. She at times adopts a maternal role and tries to strengthen the connection between group members. The show explains that she is trying to recreate her family, which is lost to her through divorce. In this episode she is having a Christmas party and insists that everyone come. The group, though diverse in their religious perspectives, out of love for her and respect for the strength of her faith agree to go, they even go so far as to wear bracelets that she gives them saying “what would baby Jesus do”.

The group, which included an Atheist, Agnostic (“lazy man’s Atheist”), a Satanist, a Jehovah Witness, an Eastern Religion practitioner, a Muslim, and a Jewess is very cohesive. As a result they all agreed to show love and tolerance for each other and come to Shirley’s Christmas Party. The premise of the show casts the adherents of the other faiths in a generous light. It was unfortunate that the show didn’t cast a similar light on the main character, Shirley. She was at times, shown to be contemptuous of those other faiths. Even the humor had an overtone of hostility (shoving the menorah under some branches of the Christmas tree as if to hide it and diminish its significance. Whereas Annie, the Jewish character lovingly placed the baby Jesus doll on the tree when given the task saying “I know you are one of us”. The message was that Christ is not offensive as a baby and an ideological symbol of a religious group, but those claiming to be Christians are. There are many other slights and insults that the followers of the other faiths are subjected to and they tolerate Shirley’s fanaticism with good cheer. Britta, the avowed Satanist at one time steps up and advocates cooperation and unity when the group begins to argue about faith. The Agnostic, Jeff even goes so far as to try to pursue peace instead of fighting a bully out of respect for Shirley’s feelings about her day, Christmas.

The show, while still funny in parts, did bring home to me how Christians are perceived by others, or is it just the media. If the Media is accurately representing the general populace then we as Christians have our work cut out for us. The millions donated to charities, the long history of social service organizations that are founded on Christian values and principles, as well as the love, sacrifice and service to those who don’t share our faith is not well publicized. Instead what is publicized in the belief that if someone is a strong adherent to their faith they are going to be bigoted, and fanatical. Christianity is of course going to be offensive to people who are not tolerant of the Christian’s belief that only through Christ can we find redemption and salvation and a path to God. All other religions promote other paths to God, and some promote many paths to the Devine. Christianity and other monotheistic religions don’t. However regardless of your personal faith or values it only shows a corresponding lack of tolerance on the part of others when they cannot acknowledge that a Christian can have Christ and love others at that same time. The show ended with Shirley departing from her sweet sanctimonious behavior to engage in a fight to defend Jeff from the bullies. This action brought the group back together and to signify their sense of community they sang a Christmas song, totally devoid of Christ. A watered down version of a holiday song that was so politically correct as to be offensive, to a Christian that is.

Rick & Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage

2009-09-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

Book Review of Rick & Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage, by Rick Burgess & Bill "Bubba" Bussey with Martha Bolton

I can’t say how much I really wanted to like this book. Being a counselor who works with couples I am always looking for material that I can confidently refer them to in order to help them strengthen their marriage. My bookshelves are filled with books on handling issues that impact marriages. However I find that the women in the relationship are more likely to read the material than their spouses. Many women have complained to me that they wish that there was something that their spouse could read and enjoy while learning how to strengthen their relationship. With this in mind I began to read Rick & Bubba’s Guide. Because if anyone could appeal to men; it should be Rick & Bubba.

On a positive note there were some times where I chuckled as I read. The light irreverence that comes through during Rick & Bubba’s show was evident in the writing style. The language and the style of writing is not cognitively challenging. It would definitely be labeled “light” reading. Also the CD included with the book allows the reader to hear the tone of the authors. I recommend listening to the CD before they even begin to read the book. It allows the reader to read the book with the tone and the accent of the authors narrating the book in their brain as they continue to read. This help to understand the humor of the book.

Unfortunately if as a reader you are looking to find insight and tools to help you work through problems and issues in your relationship, you may be disappointed. The light hearted approach to relationships has its place; perhaps you can take it on a date with your spouse and laugh over some of the Letterman like lists that the book has sprinkled throughout. It may well be a good book for the spouses that my female client’s complain don’t want to read Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages”. I wish I could say that this guide was almost nearly perfect, however if it gets men to read its better than nothing. I will have to experiment and see.

The truth about cohabitation

2009-09-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Increasing numbers of young people feel that cohabitating or living together is the next step before marriage. When asked why they have taken this stance, they respond with thoughtful and seemingly logical responses. Some of these responses are cataloged in a study by Smock and Bowling, sociologist for Green State University. Their research revealed that young adults see living together as a way to divorce-proof their future marriages. However research done by Scott Stanley, University of Denver psychologist adds a different dimension to these findings. He theorizes that many of the marriages that are the culmination of cohabitation are in fact evidence of couples “sliding” into marriages, as opposed to couples “deciding” to make a commitment to a partner in a marital relationship.

In my practice I have to say that I have seen evidence of Dr. Stanley’s theory. This is purely anecdotal, and of course it is slanted because a couple who comes into counseling comes because they are having difficulties in their relationship. Unmarried couples have come for couples counseling, because they are contemplating a “premarital breakup” or “premarital divorces” as Smock and Bowling would say. What strikes me as interesting is that these sessions with the cohabitating couple resemble very closely the sessions with the married couples. The issues are the same, lack of communication, infidelity, feelings of wanting to leave the relationship. The biggest difference is that the cohabitating couples see themselves as not so much committed to the partner, but committed to the status of the relationship, and at times trapped by this status. In other words, they may own property with their partner (cars, home, pets), they may also have children with their partner. This complicates what would otherwise be a clean break up. They feel trapped, like they are in a marriage without ever having made the conscious decision to be married. They are where they are because of “sliding” and not “deciding” to be together, as Dr. Stanley would say.

Unfortunately because many couples view cohabitating as a test drive for marriage, and they never set any parameters on that test drive, many times one of the partners is ready to get of the track sooner than the other. Couples don’t formally say to each other, “We’ll live together for a year then have a discussion about whether we should get married or break up.” They just leave it vague, believing one or the other will know when it is time to formalize their commitment or abandon the relationship. This vagueness may seem exciting in the beginning, like an emotional adventure, but it later undergirds a lot of insecurity. The natural course of the relationship demands that the couple make some decisions together, decisions related to friends, family, finances. With each decision the individuals may feel a greater sense of commitment, however again because this commitment is not defined, one partner may view the decisions as indicative of steps towards a longer term commitment, while the other may view them as confirmation that the relationship as it exists is satisfactory to their partner. When a pregnancy occurs one partner may view the role of parenting as a level of permanence for the relationship, but the partner may just view it as the taking on of a parenting role, not the obligation of the spousal role. That is why many couples who live together, even when they produce a child while in the cohabitating relationship do not automatically seek to secure the relationship with marriage. The partners view child bearing and child rearing from different perspectives, and they fail to communicate this to each other.

Tension and strain enters the relationship when the partner who is now ready to formalize the union with marriage clues in to the fact that they are alone in this view. Because no promises were ever really made, the partner who wants a formal commitment feels they have no grounds to demand such from their partner. This is when a counselor will get a call, the complaint may be depression, anxiety, or the client will correctly identify that they are in a relationship which is unsatisfactory to their current needs. They will indicate that they want what is promised through marriage, and will identify that they are living out a marital life style already with a lot of it’s benefits and frustrations, but do not have the status to claim it. It’s like being given all the responsibilities of being the boss and even the pay, but not the title. Sometimes the title does matter. This is in contrast to an earlier belief that that individual may have had that “marriage is just a piece of paper” and as such not needed to legitimize a relationship. With age and maturity this view often will change for one of the partners if not both.

The other issue that is seen frequently in counseling is that there may be a real awareness by one of the partners that this relationship is not the best fit for them. However how do you untangle the strings of this relationship without causing a lot of hurt to someone that you may care about, but not necessarily wish to tie yourself to in marriage? The longer the couple lives together and the more assets they jointly acquire the more difficult the anticipated break up becomes. Several couples have indicated that they were about to break up when a pregnancy occurred, which then obligated them to stay together. They didn’t get married, but stayed together to jointly parent. When the relationship is not horrible or abusive, it is easy to stay with someone who you may acknowledge is not the best fit for you, but into these relationships will often times come infidelity. The partner who views the relationship as an expedient one will after a time continue to chase the dream of a “soul mate”, while not abandoning their current mate. This may explain to some degree why some people will have serial cohabitating relationships with children from each different partner. The truth is that children cannot replace a marriage license as a means of legitimizing a relationship. The adult’s commitment to a child doesn’t mean that the partners are equally committed to each other. They may seek out another partner and have a child with them without sacrificing their emotional commitment to the child.

Does cohabitation ever work? According to Dr. Stanley, yes, in some instances it does work. These are the exceptions, not the rule, but in cases where the couples have already made a commitment to marriage prior to living together, the likelihood that these relationships will last increases. In his research Dr. Stanley found that there is almost no difference in marital satisfaction between couples who moved in after their wedding day and those who moved in together after they got engaged. He attributes this to the “deciding” factor. The formalizing of their commitment to each other was done before they took the step of living together. The marriage license, for what ever reason just came later. The danger today however is that many couples are beginning to see engagement as an end in and of itself. It is not the step before marriage, it is the step to procrastinate and hold marriage at bay. There are many couples today who have been engaged several times or for five plus years. They live together and vaguely talk about one day getting married, but do not pursue it with any serious intent. These couples are not the ones to which Dr. Stanley refers.

In summary, cohabitation, while a cultural norm for many young adults doesn’t bring the benefits that they believe it will. If the end result they are seeking is some assurance of a stable, fulfilling, long term commitment to the partner of their choice, the research would indicate that deciding to make the commitment needs to come before the action of living like you have committed to the individual. Couples need to be intentional and honest with each other about the reasons why they are deciding to live together. If you are thinking of living with your partner because they make you happy and the sex is convenient and satisfying, but you aren’t really thinking that this is the relationship you want long term as yet, then just beware, you may eventually “slide” into a long term commitment with this person even if they are not the best fit for you. If you are thinking of living with a person because you know that marriage is the end goal, but circumstances or beliefs don’t allow for the marriage commitment at this time, then there is a higher probability that the relationship may last, providing your partner shares your view about it and is in the relationship with the same end goal. However ideally, if you are going to live together and plan on marriage, why not just go ahead and do it. Ultimately it is the “deciding” to commit and following through that really provides the stronger protection against divorce anyway.

100 Bible Stories, 100 Bible Songs by Stephen Elkins, Illustrations by Tim O’Connor

2009-07-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Review of Children’s Book or Gift Book:
The book, with it's padded cover and delightful illustration on the cover, was immediately inviting. It encouraged you to open it and discover the treasures that lay within. Once opened it did not disappoint. There were well known Sunday school stories within, told in language that could be easily understood by children. The stories are pared with wonderful songs sung by the St Johns Children’s Choir.

This will be a delightful gift for an expectant parent. Although the target audience is a child, it is for a child who may not yet be able to read. The parent will have to read it to them. Why not start reading this book while the child is in utero and get familiar with the songs so that when the child is born the parent can interact with the infant more naturally around the stories and sounds. This gift promotes interaction with a parent or grandparent through the act of reading and singing, which we know is very beneficial to children. It also lays a foundation of faith for the child that can be later built upon by the family.

The only criticism is that a song sheet with the words of the songs would have been a nice addition. However don't let this stop you, with repeated listening you will soon be humming the tunes and singing the songs under your breathe.

THE WALL

2009-06-07T03:55:00.000-07:00

When rebuilding a marital relationship there are many steps, missteps and things that you need to be aware of. The book Nehemiah, in the bible, is the story of a man who wants to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem. What he encounters in that effort can relate well to the work that must be done when trying to rebuild a relationship

Why rebuild?
We don’t put effort in to something that we don’t value. The wall of Jerusalem was valuable to the Jews because it provided protection against neighboring enemies, and it stood as a symbol to the strength and might of Jerusalem. The fact that it presented as a shabby pile of rock was perceived as a disgrace to a once mighty people. They felt shame, and even Nehemiah who no longer lived in Jerusalem, upon hearing about the condition of the wall felt the shame of his people. The desire to rebuild was in him because he didn’t want his people, and by connection, his shame to be visible to his enemies, and he wanted his people protected. A marriage that is not cared for, like a wall will fall apart. There are constant assaults against marriage, but the people involved need to do constant maintenance so that when people look at their marriage they don’t see something unsightly, but something, even though it may have a nick here or there, that is strong and valued by it’s inhabitants.

First Steps:
Once aware of the condition of the wall, Nehemiah did something that many marriages in trouble don’t do. He confessed his sin and the sin of the people to God. You see the wall didn’t just deteriorate. The people of God, the Jews had failed to keep God’s commandments and as a result they were beaten in battles by some of their enemies. They were taken into slavery and scattered. So not only the wall was in disrepair, the people of themselves were demoralized and defeated. When sin in its many forms enters a relationship (selfishness, greed, or sexual immorality, etc.) it tends to demoralize one or the other of the partners thereby weakening the union. Whether you feel the sin is yours or another’s Nehemiah’s example is a good one to follow. Confession of sins, basically telling God what you feel went wrong and being aware that you are always part of the problem, no matter if you feel only in a small way. Ask for forgiveness, and claim God’s promise, “but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name”(Neh 1:9) . In other words, no matter how much you’ve messed up He’s willing to fix it up if you start to do right.

Obtaining Resources:
Nehemiah wasn’t a rich man, nor was he a King. He was a lowly cupbearer to the king, an expendable individual by all standards. However he had over the years served faithfully and developed a relationship with his boss. The relationship was so close that he bravely tested it by deciding to ask the King to give him time off to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall. His boldness didn’t end there; he also wanted the King to fund the rebuilding. Here was a man who was all the way in when he committed to do something. He didn’t approach things in a half way manner. He was in it to win it, and knew he needed help to accomplish the task, and that help had to come from the one who held the resources. The King can symbolize God who has unlimited resources, but I think the King really symbolizes the resources of people and programs that God has put within your reach to help you succeed at your task of rebuilding your relationship. These resources can be family members who are supportive of your relationship, your pastor, a therapist, or even some self help books that may give you some tools that you can use to start addressing some of the weak areas of your relationship. Remember the wall, though too weak to provide any measure of protection, still existed, maintenance would have been less costly than the actual act of having to rebuild. Nehemiah already knew that it was in God’s will to rebuild the structure (God says in the bible that he hates divorce, and that the marital commitment is one he firmly endorses), so you don’t need to ask if God wants to save your marriage. He wants to save it in a way that is healthy for all parties so that when others see it they are amazed and desirous of having one just like it. So don’t stand on pride, ask for help, first from God, then from outside resources to accomplish the task.

Prepare for opposition.
You would think everyone would be happy when someone desires to fix up something that is broken. It’s best to prepare for the challenges, sometimes they come from outside your camp, other times the challenges come from inside your camp. What if your spouse is not repentant about their sin and sees that you are the only problem in the relationship, does that mean that the effort of rebuilding is doomed to failure? Not at all! It just means that the rebuilding will be a bit more challenging. Nehemiah first went to Jerusalem on the sly and examined the wall by night. He wanted to get a more accurate picture of the extent of the damage. He wanted to lay out his strategy without alerting those who would oppose his attempts to rebuild. He was smart to expect that there would be some people who would not be supportive. Also by seeing it for himself he was in a better position to marshal the resources available and use them appropriately. Many people will begin to rebuild on a whim or in panic and not count the cost. Then they are discouraged as the time they anticipated for the building turns out to be longer than they expected, or the resources less than adequate or the support they had counted on dwindles. Take the time to plan your strategy if you want to rebuild your marriage, look at the possibility that somewhere in the middle you may grow weary, do you have enough supports in place to sustain you through that period. The process will definitely take longer than you anticipated, expect it! Also expect that your partner may not always cooperate with your goals. However Nehemiah was not afraid when the opposition confronted him, he was prepared for their mocking and ridicule, he answered them saying “The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding, but as for you, you have no share in Jerusalem or any claim or historic right to it.” He kept his eyes on the prize.

When the going gets tough. . .
Nehemiah chapter 3 tells about how the building teams were organized. Nehemiah oversaw what was being done and expected the people to do their share because they had a common goal, restoring the wall. In a relationship you tend to have just the two of you working, or more often only one. So in a sense, your job is easier than Nehemiah’s was, success is dependent on You, not on a whole lot of others. Never the less you still have to be vigilant about your repairs. You have to be involved intensely, not just go to a therapist and feel that you can now coast because the therapist will tell you what to do. You must be an expert on your relationship and be aware of all its cracks and defects. Then remember that fighting opposition is not a one time event. It’s very possible that opposition will not accept defeat but will try several ways to get you to say “OK, I give up… its clear this is not going to work”. Two of Nehemiah’s nemeses’ names were Sanballat and Tobiah, and they were determined to thwart him and get him to stop the rebuilding. They pointed out to him the futility of his task. Discouragement is always lurking when you tackle an enormous task. When that didn’t work they decided to post a physical threat to the welfare of the builders. Nehemiah and his workers were afraid so apparently it was a credible threat, however instead of closing down the project they prayed and “posted a guard day and night to meet this threat. Neh 4:9). This tells me that if the relationship is in a place where a partner needs to seek protection then that should be done. It is a way of not only protecting you, but of protecting your partner from the consequences of actions that may land them in jail. What helped the people also was to recognize that they had done some preliminary work, such as getting authority and approval from the King prior to even building. So they knew that they were not doing something underhanded. Everything was above board, their motives and their mandate was clear to the people and to their enemies. As a final precaution Nehemiah instructed the people to keep their weapon with them at all times during the rebuilding process. This is some great advice. The weapon you need to keep with you is this, your faith that God is with you as you engage in this process. It’s not about the size of the army, or the extent of their threat, while you take precautions to protect yourself; you also recognize that God has promised restoration if we are obedient to Him.

While you were fighting . . .
While a relationship is deteriorating the people in the relationship are usually not getting their needs met. Or they are adapting ways to meet their needs that are in the long run harmful to the relationship. Nehemiah was faced with that as an issue as he tried to focus on the wall. Sometimes you think you are dealing with one thing, and then you see a consequence of that thing that also has to be addressed. The people of Jerusalem were poor and had began the practice of selling their land, going to moneylenders, as well as selling their children into slavery to feed members of their family. They were being taken advantage of by the nobles, who themselves were Jews. It was a disgrace, but then again the whole city was in disgrace. The people felt that though they were not doing things God’s way, they were doing what they needed to survive. Many marriages fall apart when a partner feel sexual frustration and seek to meet his/her need for satisfaction outside of the marriage. This could be in the form of pornography all the way to sexual contact with someone other than their spouse. They argue the same thing, that in some strange way they are protecting their union by taking care of a need their partner is unwilling or unable to meet. We see this argument played out with addictions also. Nehemiah, faced with these rationalizations, could only tell the people that they needed to stop these harmful practices and to return to what they knew to be the correct way to handle things. He told them; “I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them – the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil.” (Neh 5:10-11). What I love about Nehemiah is that he led by example. He didn’t just come in on a moralizing high horse, he had been working beside them for a while, and they saw his character and had grown to respect him. So when he had to tell them some harsh truths the positive response he got was in part due to God already working on their hearts convicting them of their wrong behavior, and the example that Nehemiah had set before them as a man of integrity. Before we start explaining to our partners the error of their ways, we need to take a page out of Nehemiah’s book and live before our spouses with integrity. That is the only way you can hope to get a positive response.

And you thought it was over . . .
Just when you feel that you have dealt with all you need to, you’ve hung in there, your back on track, things are finally looking up, and then here comes some more opposition. You didn’t yield when you were presented with words of discouragement, you didn’t back down when you were threatened, but will you cave now that your motives are being questioned. Remember we addressed that in other to rebuild you need to be prepared that it will take longer that you think it should and that opposition will always be lurking around the corner looking for the right time to strike. Well the right time to strike is when you see the finish line. For some people the finish line is in sight and instead of it spurring them to sprint to it, it causes them to feel confident that being almost there is as good a getting there. They see getting there as just a matter of time, but not questionable. This is dangerous thinking. Nehemiah was near the end when another challenge came from his nemeses. This time they were questioning his motives, his integrity and putting forth a rumor that perhaps he had sedition on his mind when he asked to rebuild the wall. This could be very dangerous, remember he was cupbearer to the king, a position of great trust. The king would not be able to trust him if he felt that Nehemiah may want to overthrow him. What should Nehemiah do, stop working and go and address these serious charges before they got out of hand? Nehemiah remained focused; he was motivated and knew he had a mandate to do what he was doing. He decided to address the charges by sending a reply; “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.” (Neh 6:8) Not to be deterred his nemeses try again, this time trying to use his relationship with God as a weapon. They assumed that Nehemiah, like them, had a greater love for himself, than a focus on his mission. They knew that Nehemiah would not respond to any lures from them, but what if someone said they were a prophet from God, surely that would get Nehemiah’s attention. Remember in the beginning that I said that Nehemiah had spoken to God as the first step of taking on this challenge. Therefore he knew that any prophesy that would contradict the mandate given to him by God would not be true. Why would God contradict himself? So as you try to rebuild your relationship, remember if discouragement, fear, or intimidation fails to get you to abandon your task, there is always the thought “does God really want me to be going through this, I deserve to save myself, and not work so hard at saving what may well be a doomed marriage.

There is an end!
The wall was finally completed. But that was not the true end of the story. To understand why you have to remember why the wall was broken in the first place and why the people were in disgrace. They had fallen away from Gods laws and commands. It would have been a partial victory had Nehemiah just said, “well the wall is up, I have done my job here and I’ve gotta get back to my other job, Good Luck guys” and went on his way. He wanted to know that what he has worked and sacrificed for would last beyond his presence. This phase is represented a lot in therapy when the person who had threatened to file for divorce decides that they are satisfied with the changes they see in their partner, and decide not to go through with the divorce. That is when the couple who may have been coming to counseling decides the crisis is adverted and that they are now home free. This phase however can be very deceiving because work needs to continue, whether in therapy or outside of it to insure that the same habits that caused the crisis are all addressed. Nehemiah set out to address those ills. He sought to restore the fabric of the Jewish society which had been broken down along with the wall. Then when they again knew who they were in the fabric of their society and where they belonged he wanted to restore them to the God who would be able to sustain them. He had the books of the Laws of Moses opened and read before the people. The people had long since stopped referring to God’s law as a way to measure their spiritual health. He wanted them to hear the words themselves, not commentary, or psychobabble from people and pundits. He wanted them to hear what God had said. They listened attentively and as a result they heard, they worshipped, they wept, and they rejoiced. All the hard work had finally paid off.

And now for the rest of the story:
Nehemiah stuck around for a while longer to make sure everything was put to right. He however did eventually have to go back to work with his King. The bible says however that “some time later” he asked the King for permission to go back to Jerusalem and was granted permission. When he returned he found some subtle signs that the Israelites were once again straying into dangerous territory. He made it his task, with passion and zeal to correct the wrongs that he discovered. This is not to discourage us, but to help us to realize that the work of rebuilding never really ends. You can never coast in your relationships, you must always be on guard for the enemies that can undermine and destroy it, and you must continue to walk with integrity so that you can be sensitive to the cracks that can occur in your wall. Only in this way can you practice prevention, which is a whole lot more efficient than cure.

They Come Bringing Laundry

2009-05-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

As parents of a young adult, we are forever thankful to God that our son made it through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood without any major mistakes. He is a joy to us and we are overflowing with parental pride. This is not to say that he or we are perfect.

When we envisioned this time in his development, our vision did not look anything like our current reality. We envisioned a college student, arduously pursuing a degree which would ensure a lifelong career with financial stability and other intrinsic rewards. The reality is that our child is lacking a year’s worth of credits to obtain an associate’s degree. He agreed that obtaining his degree is important but didn’t see the urgency of rushing it. His plan is to complete his degree one day, in the unmapped future. As his parents we were disappointed, but accepted that he is an adult and it is his decision to make.

As parents we also envisioned that he may have a steady girlfriend who the family could name. We didn’t want him to be engaged or too serious with one girl too early in his emotional growth. The reality is he did not date any girl for more than a few months. He enjoyed dating different girls, video games, making goofy jokes and just playing various games with his guy friends. They were not exactly athletes, nor were they nerds; they were just fun loving kids who didn’t feel the 20’s should distinguish them from how they acted in their late teens. They were the children of Neverland, forever young, and resistant to attempts to firmly establish them as adults.

As our son continued to approach adulthood we saw him taking on new responsibilities and enjoying new privileges. We saw him owning a car and having his own apartment and paying the bills for both. He maintained a job in order to pay his bills. The sad reality, he soon discovered, was that though he worked hard his income was frequently not enough to meet all his financial responsibilities. Even though he shared his apartment with two roommates it was still difficult to support a lifestyle that included a car, insurance, and a cell phone. As a result he was chronically in financial crisis. His assessment of his situation however was always sunny compared to his parents more gloomy outlook. He saw himself as making it, we his parents saw him as getting into a deeper and deeper financial hole as the days progressed. Sporadic injections of cash from us, his parents were keeping him alive financially. But one cannot be on financial life support forever, and we had to tell him to get another job, reduce his debts, or return home to live. None of these options appealed to him, but he eventually decided a new job was the option he would take. We again respected his desire to maintain his independence and trusted him to correct his situation.

So when he came home most recently we saw the child that we had invested so much in, emotionally, and materially and realized that though he was not an accurate reflection of what we envisioned, we were not unhappy with the reality of who he had become. You know sometimes they come home bringing future wives, sometimes they come home bringing academic degrees. However sometimes they come home just bringing laundry. But they come home and isn’t that what we really want anyway.

This mother’s day, if your children are not all that you had hoped they would be, just remember it’s about a relationship and consider that your reward.

Combating Clutter and Hoarding

2009-04-17T04:49:00.000-07:00

I made a trip to Japan a few years back and it forever changed my view of my personal space. I didn’t consider my home and office surroundings as cluttered until I returned with a new minimalistic view of space. My home now looked cluttered and I began to see some elements that resembled hoarding.

I have worked with several clients who suffered from hoarding. Yes it is a diagnosable ailment. Compulsive Hoarding is typically part of the anxiety spectrum of mental disorders. It is usually identified by the degree of mental disturbance just the thought of getting rid of items produces. The actual act of getting rid of items can increase the anxiety to such a great extent that the person may experience panic and or be immobilized and unable to achieve the mental organizational ability to achieve the task. It is hard for non hoarders to understand how someone can be so attached to items that these items make their life and home, areas of great dysfunction. As I returned from Japan, with it’s predominantly minimalist structuring of home décor I had a changed perspective on what was not a cluttered setting, but was by far a setting too filled for my peace of mind.

I faced the question of what to get rid of, for the first time. I would traditionally, like other people who didn’t suffer from OCD, or any anxiety disorder that manifested itself in hoarding, get rid of things that were broken beyond usefulness. However I was now looking at items in my surroundings that were all useful and had worth in my estimation. I saw a raison d'être for all the items placed in my surroundings. Some were there because of personal relationships (gifts from kids), other items were practical and functional (coffeemaker, linens). I was able to find some things that were no brainers and got rid of them with ease. I didn’t realize that I had held on to my children’s reading books. Given the fact that the youngest was now reading on a high school level it was doubtful that the Judy Blume books would need to be used by them again. As they had no emotional attachment to these books it was agreed that they could be passed on to the school library (the Harry Potter series did however stay much to my dismay). After loading three diaper boxes of books off to other homes there was an immediate lightness in my home. I was now faced with a harder choice, how to discard items that were more precious to me. This is the dilemma that hoarders face; the items we ask them to discard are precious to them.

The steps I used and found the most successful are outlined below. I have since employed this model with clients who are diagnosed with anxiety disorders and who engage in hoarding behaviors as a result. These steps are basically a variation of systematic desensitization, a model used to address deep fears. The greatest fear of the hoarder is loss of access to their cherished items. To address this fear, the cherished item is removed by degrees. There are rules however about not adding to the clutter while engaged in this process. One rule I had for myself and my clients is that you couldn’t buy or accumulate another item without getting rid of a current one. My Achilles heel was home improvement stuff. I always had a plan to work on some area of my home. Therefore it made sense to buy a specific wall ornament, or paint that was on sale, or some tiles that were just the right style when I saw them. The plan to improve my bathroom or repaint a bedroom remained plans as the purchased items stayed tucked away for that faithful day. I now knew that unless the planned remodeling was going to happen today, or this weekend, then I was forbidden to buy any items in anticipation, regardless of how great the sale was. Also all the magazines that I had collected with ideas that I wanted to implement would also have to go. Because was I really going to reference a magazine article that was 5 years old at this point? Thanks to the internet I no longer had to save every magazine article or picture that appealed to me. I could now have decorating ideas at the touch of my fingers through online do it yourself shows and online magazines

Armed with the rule of no new purchase or acquisitions without removing a similar item, I began to tackle my environment, one room at a time.

Linen – I realized that I could only use one bedding set at a time, and my home only contained a king sized mattress and several twin mattresses. Yet my linen closet still contained several sheet sets and bedding for a former queen sized mattress. Granted the pattern and design of the bedding was gorgeous and I really loved it when I purchased it years ago and used it on the queen size mattress that once had a place in my home. That mattress had been discarded over 8 years ago, yet the bedding was still in my linen closet. The bedding and all its accompanying items were packed up. And the closet was rearranged to fit three bedding sets for the kings sized mattress and two for each of the twin mattresses. I now had two empty shelves in my linen closet, and no longer were items falling off of shelves when the closet was opened.
Dishes – The remnants of several different sets were still being housed in the kitchen cabinets. I found it interesting to note that there were teacups that represented 5 different sets of dishes which had all at one time been full services for eight. However as the children had broken or misplaced (how? I don’t know!) items from each set, we had purchased newer sets. We just never got rid or the remaining pieces from the displaced set. This oversight was finally rectified. The local Goodwill agency was the lucky recipients of our donation of dining implements. It amazing how many mismatched coffee mugs one can accumulate. They are constantly being given out, some with Christmas candy in them and others with advertisements stamped upon them. We decided to keep one per person who lived in the home and just discard the rest.
Shoes, Clothing, and other personal apparel items- The rule that applied for this was, if it doesn’t fit you must quit (it). It’s hard to quit (give up) some apparel. You have memories, usually of how good you once looked in it. By giving up on it are you also giving up on the hope of one day being that size again? It’s an emotional decision. Not so much with shoes, but certainly with clothing. However the rule remained that if it didn’t fit (and hadn’t fit in the last 2 years), it was time to make the cut and just get rid of it. In order to make this less painful however, the process was to gradually remove it from your vicinity.

First take it out of its current position, be it your closet or your attic.
Place it at an even greater distance, perhaps from closet to garage, or attic to a large box in someone else’s garage. If your loved ones have been concerned about your clutter, they may be willing to help you in this way, by agreeing to store the items you are trying to get rid of for a period of time.
Assess your anxiety level; it may increase temporarily as you adjust to not having your cherished item within the safety of your control. You may experience some remorse and desire to take back your item and place it back in its former place of safety, remember it is still safe, but just not with you at this time. After a month, again assess your anxiety level. You can still check with where ever the item is to see that it is still safe, but you cannot bring it back “home”. Enjoy the freedom of having space; don’t refill the space the item once inhabited. Enjoy the emptiness!
After two months move the items even further away, perhaps it can bless someone else. Give it to Goodwill or the Salvation Army if it still retains some usefulness. If it can be sold, put it in a consignment shop or on e-bay, but remember the rule is it cannot come back home. If it doesn’t sell after a month, then it will need to be discarded. By that time your anxiety level will have decreased to a point that you should be able to achieve this goal with greater ease. The thought of reintroducing this item back into your closest, or attic should pose a level of discomfort for you because you have been enjoying the space provided by its absence.

With each step you take, remember to take the time to self congratulate. Self validation and praise is important in this process. You can do so using some practical means. Assign yourself a treat. Not necessarily food, but perhaps you can go to the movies with a friend. Why? Because you have just done something to improve your situations, and even if no one knows about it, you do and it is worthy of some recognition. We certainly take time to recognize our screw ups. Let’s take time to recognize when we take steps in the direction of health and mental wellness.

Kings Without a Lord

2009-03-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

The new series on NBC, entitled Kings sounds very interesting. I was even more interested when it was revealed that the story parallels the story of King Saul and David. As someone who has done two bible studies on David, from boyhood to kingship I was thrilled to see a modern rendering of such an exciting story.

The character of David is a simple yet complex one. One can easily make the mistake of thinking David a one dimensional character. He however turns out to be a character that is very complex. I once referred to him as the original Renaissance man. He was a lover, a dancer, a musician, a fighter, a strategist, a hero, a traitor, a man in love with God, a saint and yet a sinner. His story touches on so many emotions and modern day situations and concerns. His fight to take his rightful place in his kingdom mirrors the modern day person’s fight to take their rightful place in the life they have been assigned, and to be more than the sum of their circumstances.

There is so much to write about with David, I can easily see how a TV series could be written around his exploits. I only hope that the series takes the time to explore the person who was David. The bible refers to David as “a man after God’s own heart”. Meaning he was special to God, however the wording could also rightfully be interpreted that David himself went after God’s heart. He was a determined young man, who mostly sought to do as he felt God would want him to. Did he mess up some times? Yes he did, and when he did, boy the failures were big ones, resulting in loss of lives. Yet in David we find that repentance and forgiveness are lynchpins in his relationship with God. God knows how screwed up we are, and if He didn’t forgive us we would be forever lost to a relationship with Him. I don’t know how the show Kings is going to portray this part of David’s nature, I suspect that they will try to water it down. However without understanding the spiritual love story that plays in the background to all the action some things will not make sense. I assume that NBC, like other stations before it, with attempt to please the masses by not presenting this, or under representing God’s role in David’s life and actions, and will instead have to write into the plot a character or subplot that helps make sense of the story and keeps it cohesive. Because if you take God out of the picture, and He is a major player, there will be quite a gap that may need to be filled by several fictional characters. It’s not easy to take God’s place.

If you, like me, are going to be following this series; I would like to recommend to you two bible studies that will help you to compare and contrast the series with the real story of David. They are David, Man after God’s own heart, and King David, Trusting God for a Lifetime, by Robbie Castleman, published by Harold Shaw Publishers. Both studies are excellent ones that probe the depths of the character of David. In his story you will find reasons to cry, rejoice, cheer, laugh, and experience the wonder of the greatness of God.

Twittering away with other Twits

2009-03-12T12:21:00.000-07:00

The dictionary defines twit as “an insignificant or bothersome person”, but it could also be a “derisive reproach; taunt; gibe”. In either case it doesn’t sound very positive. And twitter is described as “to talk lightly and rapidly, especially of trivial matters; chatter”. Is this the purpose of twitter, or twittering, and sending tweets. Or does it have some value that surpasses the descriptions given? So many questions; so few answers!

In my attempt to keep up with the latest trends and find answers, I set off on my own research and exploration into the world of twitter by opening an account. Opening the account was certainly painless, and actually a lot less complex than MySpace or Facebook. Twitter was now my new frontier to conquer! As I was saying, I opened my account, then I, then I, oh wait…, yes, then I waited! I don’t know what I waited for. But wait is what I did. I didn’t know what to do with the account. Was I just supposed to write my random mental ramblings? Well I have a blog for that. Was I supposed to write my deepest, darkest secrets? Not in this life! Was I supposed to write to my friends? Isn’t that what e-mail and all those social networking sites are for? So what do you do on twitter? Not finding the answer, I just signed out.

A few weeks later I read similar musings from a cousin on Facebook. Oh goody, I wasn’t the only one confused! I promptly validated her confusion and expressed my own. We then found each other on twitter. We exchanged a couple of messages about the purpose of twitter, agreed to “follow” each other then signed off. Now I am again confused. Isn’t “following” someone the same as making them your “friend” on MySpace, or Facebook? Now my cousin and I are friends, or should I say following each other, on Twitter. Not one to be daunted at a task, I continued to explore.

Perhaps it was the medium in which I was using Twitter that made the difference. With Twitter you could have updates (otherwise known as “tweets”) sent to your phone. However as I thought of the possibility of having text tweets coming into my phone a little shiver ran down my spine. I hate reading e-mails on that small screen as it is already. I certainly didn’t want to read anything else on it. Also if the text was about something important, wouldn’t I just rather the person call me. And if it wasn’t important, then I could certainly wait till I got home and had some free time to play on the computer to read it. I am a busy person, busy, with real people who have real issues that I may be able to assist them with; I couldn’t see how responding to a tweet from someone not in my immediate vicinity could be beneficial to either of us. So no tweets on the phone for me, decision made!

I decided to look at all the other people on twitter and see what they were using it for. I appeared to me to be a bit voyeuristic to be reading all their “tweets”, but they put it out there so I suppose they must want the world to read their thoughts. I was surprised by the lack of congruence or focus of all the tweets. I imagine that if I were someone cursed with the ability to read peoples minds this is what I would be faced with. Tweets varied from the mundane and ridiculous to the thought provoking and news worthy. However mundane and ridiculous did win out. Just for kicks I took a random swipe at current thoughts. When you click everyone, you get the most recent 20 entries. Here’s a readers digest version of all that went on, someone wanted a sourdough bread recipe in San Francisco (I hope he got it, if not he could have looked it up on the internet!), someone remarked that caffeine can give you more energy to push your body (go figure, was this a new discovery?) someone had a bad experience with club membership (sorry about this, maybe they should talk to their friends about this so that they don’t make the same mistake), someone was chiding a friend for wasting time at work (wonder where she was when she made that statement), then there was some political info about Pelosi (news at last, something relevant I think, but I didn’t read it all, I was too busy reading all the other mundane thoughts). And so it went. I don’t want to bore you with all the ho humm details. I think I’ll just go and twitter about it.

If Christ were on MySpace....

2009-02-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

If Christ were on MySpace, what would his site look like? Would it have a lot of graphics, or just be a peaceful cerulean blue reminiscent of Heaven. He would put pictures of his most beloved up for all to see. I think he was very proud of his followers, even the ones who screwed up. What a slide show that would be! Could you imagine his friends list? Would he block some people who wanted him for a friend? On what grounds would he block them, if he did? Probably all those “fakers” out there, you know he says he can see to the heart of the individual.

Would he have music that would be peaceful, and worshipful, or would he put something for the masses. Perhaps a Hip Hop/ Beyonce song. After all he was all about connecting to the masses. But then again, he never compromised his mission by doing anything to make people mistake him for the masses. So perhaps his genre would be something the masses could connect with, but performed by a Christian musician. Definitely no cherubs playing harps, with all due respect to the cherubs, they have never cut a record.

In the about me section, because people don’t want to read too much, would it say “See Book”. For Likes and Dislikes, again “See Book”. Would he put a movie clip of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ on his site? Naaaa! He was never about self-promotion. He was always about promoting us, moving us from where he found us to a higher level of existence, where joy and peace are truly attainable (preaching!!) He would probably put on clips from movies that show the main character being transformed, to become greater that he had thought he could become through his belief in Him. Something very inspirational! After all we are dealing with the masses.

Somebody out there would see his site, and want to offer him a business deal. They would see all the friends he has, and figure out that this guy can draw people like flies. Maybe he can be the next Wayne Dyer, or Joel Osteen, or T.D. Jakes. There is definitely money to be made if someone can draw a crowd. Maybe he can open for one of their music groups? The marketing possibilities would be endless. But wait, I forget, he was never about marketing, or drawing large crowds. That is why he trained 12 seemingly insignificant men to walk about and tell anyone who would listen about the gift he wanted to give them. They didn’t meet together to plan the best way to draw a crowd, or how to mass market their message. The message seemed to travel best from person to person. We don’t want to mess with that formula, it’s been working for thousands of years.

You know, I may have this all wrong. Why would Jesus even be on MySpace. Wouldn’t he perhaps choose a web community that is already identified as Christian? One like JC Faith, which is filled with people who are already his friend and want to interact with him. They wouldn’t just put him on as their friend for the prestige of saying JC is my friend. They would actually write him and ask his advice about things, and share their stories with Him. Would that be a better community for him to have his page? He would still have a lot of friends, but how would he be able to let his other potential friends, who don’t already know him, know that he is available. I think he would have to keep his MySpace site, many more people there who don’t already know Him, they have heard about Him, but they don’t really know Him.

Could you imagine what would happen if he decided to enter a chat room to talk with some of his friends? I think some of the things he would say may cause controversy. He is not known for conforming to the mindset of the masses. He has been known to “turn over tables outside the temple’. He would be very stern about being truthful (fakers beware), so he would probably try to correct in a loving way any misconceptions his friends have. However some people don’t want to know anything that doesn’t already agree with their way of thinking. Christ would still love them, even if they didn’t see things his way, and pray to his father for them to grow in wisdom.

As you can see, you can imagine a lot of things, but the only thing that is real and is for sure is that Jesus Christ did provide us his “page”. It’s in the form of a book called the Bible. The graphics aren’t great, and it is not technologically sophisticated, but it’s a good read. If you want to know more about what his site would look like, read his book and you decide for yourself.

Office Valentine

2009-02-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

Every Valentines Day Karen would watch as her co-workers discussed their plans for romance, or bemoan the lack of romance in their lives. Karen would look on like an indulgent mother or older sister as she acknowledged and encouraged their various plans. As for her romantic situation, it hadn't changed in over thirty years.

Thirty years ago she married her high school sweetheart, Stan. He was the outgoing alpha male to her subdued, insightful female. She felt she understood all that lay behind his bluster, and he had the sense to realize that she did. With alacrity he wooed her and married her short six months after graduation. They went on to have three great kids and build a comfortable and happy life for themselves. Karen however had to admit that beyond the initial dating and romancing in High School, there hadn't been much else. She knew Stan loved her and was devoted to his family, however, in the quiet places of her heart she wished he would be more openly demonstrative about his feelings for her. This secret wish occupied more and more of her thoughts as she watched her co-workers receive their roses, and candy from their significant others.

Stan was not the emotional type, nor was he very intuitive. She had learned to be very direct about what she needed and wanted from him. This wish however had never been expressed, because for some reason she feared that he may comply because it was what she said she wanted. As irrational as it was, she wanted him to romance her without her directing him to do so. So instead of telling him what she wanted, she prayed that God would give him a clue. She knew prayer worked, it was evident in many places in her life. Hadn't God answered when she asked that He bring Stan back into an intimate relationship with Himself? It took 5 years and two children, but for the past 25 years Stan had been a Godly parent and has loved and grown more and more in love with his Savior. She had seen his growth even though his gruff style of communication remained essentially unchanged.

When the secretary announced that the delivery that was being sent up was for Karen, a hush fell over the office. Two of the other sales reps looked up from their duties; the office manager put down her phone and ignored the lighted console to pay attention to the delivery. Karen, excited that God had again proved faithful and answered her secret wish, waited with anticipation for her delivery. She didn't care if it was chocolates or roses; the fact that he had actually did something to demonstrate his love for her was all that mattered. The delivery man came to her desk and carefully placed a red heart shaped box on her desk. Karen signed for it as her co-workers gathered around expecting to share in the goodies that they knew would be inside. It was an office tradition that they all share in each other's goodies. Karen ceremoniously lifted the cover and gasped along with her co-workers as she saw what was inside.
The office manager was the first to speak, "well, that's different". Two of the sales reps could be heard saying to each other, "what was he thinking". Karen's thoughts ran along the same lines. Inside the box lay a take out container from a local restaurant that served good, and filling food, but nothing exotic. She and Stan would visit that restaurant about once a month and he would predictably order the pot roast with mash potatoes, while she ordered the roasted chicken breast with bake potato and vegetables. When Karen opened the container she smelled the savory scents of pot roast, swimming in gravy with a large helping of mash potato. Stan's favorite, not even her favorite. Karen's heart began to sink. Stan, had not even ordered her meal, he had ordered what he liked. "There is a card, Karen, why don't you open it" said the office manager, who could be counted on to be practical. Karen pulled the card out and with dread began to read what Stan had written.

"Karen, for 30 years you have been the heart of our family. Your gentle spirit and love has led me to see life in new and exciting ways. I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer, and I am grateful that you have agreed to march along with me. I know you like roasted chicken and a bake potato with vegetables, but I also know that you have learned to choose those items for health reasons and because you are watching your calories not because it is what you would really prefer. When we were dating you would eat with abandon, and enjoy every bite not caring about the calories. I don't know when you decided that you had to watch your weight, but I have been watching it, and it delights me. Everything about you delights me. I chose not to send flowers because, they are beautiful, but fragile and don't last past the season. My love for you is sturdier than that and lasts through all seasons. I chose not to send you candy because, though sweet to the taste, too much can make you sick and they can't sustain you for the long haul. I want my love to be sustaining and to provide you with strength for the long haul. Lastly I wanted you to have something warm, because you have provided me warmth for all the years that I have been blessed to know you. I want you to enjoy this meal, enjoy it, not worrying about the calories, but think instead of what it represents. It represents the sturdy fulfilling nature of our relationship. Together we nurture and sustain each other. Being married to you has been like attending a banquet, a feast of pleasure that nothing else would ever be able to satisfy. I love you. Stan."

The office was quiet except for the incessant ringing of the phones in the background. As Karen returned the card to its envelope, she looked around at the roses in their places of honor on the desks of her co-workers. She saw several heart shaped boxes and one signature gold Godiva box. She thought of the many boyfriend troubles, and husband issues she has listened to over the last eight years she had worked for this company, and realized that Stan was right. Their relationship was like pot roast, not chocolates, or flowers. It was unique, different, but oh so much better and sturdier. She would not trade her pot roast for anything in the world. Karen carefully took her box and looked around at her co-workers, "I think I'll go to lunch now" she said. As she walked to the lounge, a smile shyly overtook her face. The savory scent of the pot roast lingered in her wake triggering a hunger in her fellow co-workers that they knew could not be satisfied by either candy or roses.

A New Look At Love

2009-01-27T03:10:00.000-08:00

This month is all about love. The magazines that litter my office all feature love in it many forms. As a therapist who counsels couples, and sees a lot of the aftermath of “love”, I want to cynically exclaim “what hype and nonsense”.

Love has been reduced to a Hallmark card and a Hollywood movie. It’s syrupy sweet, but provides no sustenance for the long difficult road ahead. It is useful for bringing together people, but unreliable as a glue that keeps them together. As I look over what the magazines are selling and touting as “love”, I am discouraged, disheartened and dismayed. Love has become like any other commodity, you can package it, and mass market it and it can be purchased. When it get’s old or your version gets out of style, you can rehab it, but many choose just to abandon it and get a newer version, believing the new version will be “the one”, the classic that is timeless and a keeper.

I remember watching soap operas and specifically a serial bride named Erica Kane. By the time I stopped watching over 10 years ago, I believe she was up to her seventh marriage. She’s probably had some more since then, because she was a passionate person who when she fell in love, fell hard. I remember the intensity to which she ruthlessly pursued the objects of her desire. When they eventually succumbed to her charms there would inevitably be a “honeymoon” period where the love like a beautiful piece of music crescendoed before it started its sometimes rapid decent. It’s the same course that is played out with a lot of Hollywood marriages. Many are much ado about nothing. They are a lot of hype and spin leading up to the expensive wedding and honeymoon followed by the inevitable divorce. There are only a few exceptions to this rule. It is disheartening to see how many marriages are less than 10 years old, and how many people are on their third or forth marriages.

I recently read an article about the housing crisis and how the home is now considered a toxic asset in those divorces. It appears that couples are no longer fighting to get the home, but are fighting to make sure they don’t get saddled with the financial burden of a devalued home. What struck me is the comment of one individual who admitted that had she understood how little she stood to gain from her divorce due to the decline in the housing market she would have tried harder to make her marriage work. Now, of course, not all marriages are salvageable, however I believe that more are than are not. Unfortunately many couples are blinded by the image of love portrayed in magazines and the movies and instead of rehabbing what is wrong with their relationship; believe that they are due for an upgrade, so they abandon their current relationship to make themselves free to pursue the upgrade.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if the institutions which are so influential in the courts of public opinion decided to portray “love” in a healthier more substantial way. I believe it would create a ripple affect that would positively impact families and children, and perhaps reduce calls for couples or marriage counseling. A wonderful example of this was in a Hollywood movie “Shadowlands”, with Anthony Hopkins. If you feel the need for a romantic movie for valentines, I suggest you check that one out. It portrays love as primarily “commitment”. Yes, the word is “commitment”. This word is not as glitzy and as romantic as “love”, but it is what true love looks like when it gets beat about by reality and problems. When all else falls away, really what remains is commitment. When you embrace commitment it doesn’t come alone into the relationship, it brings along it cousins security, and comfort. If the relationship provides them a welcome then they make room for affection, which can lay a foundation for a love that is deeper than the shallow fickle one that first inhabited the relationship. In all honesty, this doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and a catalyst that gets rid of “love” before the chain reaction that leads to a deeper love can begin. However, if you embrace commitment then the end product will be one of lasting value, a true classic, a keeper, and well worth any price that was paid.

Obama, me and the Blackberry

2009-01-18T04:26:00.000-08:00

I have quite a few things in common with Obama, and even more things dissimilar. The one similarity however that has surprised and intrigued me is his open affection for his blackberry. I didn’t agree with him on many political and social issues, but boy do I get him when it comes to his feelings about his blackberry. To come between me and my blackberry is like coming between an NRA fanatic and his gun; “The only way your going to get it is to pry it from my cold dead hands!” This may seem extreme to anyone who has not experienced the power of what that little machine can do.

Blackberry aficionados tend to be people with busy lives who want to maintain order. We want to remain personal and personable without appearing to work at it. There are those who are blessed with a natural recall that allows them to remember names, faces, dates and personal information. They will, with ease, meet someone they have not seen for a period of time and greet them by name and personalize the contact by asking about a family member by name. The person who is greeted will then feel special and pleased at having been remembered in such detail. Well I am not like that. I need a cheat sheet! My blackberry is my cheat sheet. I can quickly store info about a person along with their phone number and even their face (if they would allow a photo). My recall of faces is just fine; it’s all the other details after that which are problematic. It is just not cool to say “I know you from somewhere, I recognized your face, just tell me your name and who you are and what you do again?”

My blackberry also entertains me and keeps me healthy. My exercise routine would not be complete without the accompaniment of my music, which my blackberry provides. I have uploaded on my blackberry’s mp3 over 100 songs, which gives me more than enough time to engage in a 30 – 60 minute workout routine. While walking I can listen to something and not miss any callers who may wish to contact me during that time. With the addition of the Bluetooth, I am hands free to accept my calls, and once the call is terminated, I am once again surrounded by my music. It is all so convenient.

Like most PDA’s today, the blackberry is also able to go on the internet and access files and e-mails. For me this was not a big seller. I access the internet from my desk computer and don’t care to watch video’s or read e-mail on such a small screen. But for those who love their social networking, IMing or texting, the blackberry can do all that for you also.

If all these features above don’t do it for you, well this last feature is the one that sold it for me. I suspect that this feature may be the one Obama and I love the most. Like most PDA’s the blackberry can store appointments, names and addresses as well as other data. However, the blackberry also syncs up with my Microsoft outlook program. What that means is that although I am away from my desk I can still make an office appointment without worrying about my schedule availability. My blackberry is synced to my office calendar at the end of every day and again at the beginning of the work day. The two calendars match without taking valuable time to manually input or delete updated entries. For the busy professional this is a work of genius.

After reading that President Obama would be denied his blackberry for security reasons I felt an empathetic rush of pain. Having experienced the intensity of love that one can have for one’s blackberry, I began to worry about how he will adjust to being forcibly separated from such a large part of his life. On the campaign trail he had been trying to kick the nicotine habit, I don’t know how successful he was at that. Now he was being asked to kick the blackberry habit. Sometimes I think service to this country asks too much! Well President Obama, I want you to know I am here for you. Did I mention that I am a psychotherapist? I will be glad to provide you some supportive therapy during this adjustment period. Your fellow blackberry addicts salute you and admire you for the sacrifice you are making for your country.