Obsessed with Hockey and making Fun of Myself

Movies/TV Shows, in a Nutshell

2011-10-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

So this one is a fun movie summary post. This one will be updated on a regular basis since well....everyone watches movies am i right? I hope so. Haven't been going to the movies lately just because nothing great has been playing. Let's hope winter brings us some good ones.

Feel free to add your own if you like, you will receive credit.

300: Gays kill blacks.

8 MILE: White man successfully copies black culture to impress other whites and blacks.

A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.

ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.

ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

ALMOST HEROES: Chandler hires Farley to guide him to the west coast, then decide to hit up Canada

ALPHA DOG: stoner shits on drug dealers carpet, brother kidnapped loses virginity to two hot chicks and killed next day, and Justin Timberlake goes to jail.

AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.

AMERICAN PSYCHO: 80s yuppie goes on murder streak, no one believes him because he’s such a pussy.

AMERICAN HISTORY X: White supremacist enjoys teaching other people manners via curbs. Goes to jail and repents after being raped.

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.

ANCHORMAN: Someone kills a guy with a trident; dog gets thrown over bridge over a burrito, and saves man and woman from bear.

ANIMAL HOUSE: Teaches you to drink hard, heavy and lots of amounts of booze, makes you look forward to college. Why aren’t you watching it?

AVIATOR: guy with OCD revolutionizes planes, puts own shit in jars after girl breaks his heart.

BASEKETBALL: “Shut Up Bitch!”
‘GOD DAMN IT MAN STOP FUCKING RAGGIN ON ME’
“stupid bitch”
‘I swear you guys rag on me 13 or 14 more times I’m out of here....well at least i'm on the team’

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill, proceeds to cock block himself from hot woman he loves, over and over and over.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm syndrome.

BECKER: narcissistic doctor tells patients to screw off, just wants food from diner, doesn’t think hot secretary is hot enough to bang.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich? Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich…. Malkovich!!! Malkovich

BE KIND, REWIND: Neighborhood idiot can’t sing Ghostbusters theme.

BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.

THE BIG LEBOWSKI: Someone pisses on a loser bowlers carpet, must get revenge, they have In n Out burger, gay Germans get bowling ball to his balls, meets gnarly red head gets her pregnant.

BILLY ELLIOT: England is in Shambles; hard working guy has a boy who wants to dance, even if everyone looks at his pants.

BIO DOME: “I’M A SHERMAN TANK”

BLACK DEATH: Catholics try to punish and convert locals for not being religious, but plans to forcefully convert people backfire on them. Take that Catholic Church.

BLADES OF GLORY: Washed out still in 80s debauchery mentality figure skater clashes with retard who dances for Mexican in high school a few years ago. Both win gold medal.

BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE= Girl encounters vampire assassin, flirt, then help each other in killing their teacher.

BLUES BROTHERS: two brothers go on a mission from god to get the band back together, play music, and save the church a penguin lives in, lots of driving involved, something about catching a Katy.

BLUES BROTHERS 2000: Band leader gets out of jail, reunites band, kidnaps kid, possesses police officer into joining the band, John Goodman gets over stage fright.

BOLT: Estranged dog is lied to, goes cross country to find out he’s replaced, makes a cat friend, pigeons say 'Ridonculous'

BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.

BOURNE IDENTITY: Guy gets amnesia, beats the shit out of people with hands, pens and feet, meets hot girl, drives mini cooper.

BOURNE SUPREMACY: Girl Dies, he gets revenge, beats up more guys.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB: Saturday detention jackasses figure out they know each other somehow, nice girl fucks bad boy, virgin boy stays alone as usual, jock gets quiet psycho girl who’s hot.

BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.

BRIDESMAIDS: SNL cast attempts to copy all the recent successful films of awkward humor into a wedding movie. Not much hilarity ensues; woman in her mid thirties comes of age.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.

CAMILLE: Guy gets stuck marrying chick he doesn’t want.

CASTAWAY: Mailman takes his job too seriously, Wilson, his best friend drowns, so much for loyalty.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.

CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.

CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.

CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.

CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.

CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”

CLERKS II: Aimless loser finally gets someone that wants his dumbass, decides to cheat and stay with a much hotter girl, abusive friend fesses up gay love for him, go to jail and proceed to go back to old loser ass job.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS: Scientist learns to feed the homeless without a cost. City gets fat, homeless disappear.

COBRA: Cop breaks rules to successfully harass gangs, and then destroys his favorite car.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.

CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own, more young emos ensue with wet dreams, suddenly they want nightmare before Christmas sequel.

CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.

CRASH: shit happens to everyone, somehow everything is involved, and it’s a small world after all. Small world.

THE CRAZIES: Small town has trouble adjusting to drugs.

CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.

CURIOUS GEORGE: Guy who loves wearing yellow takes in monkey. This causes a few mishaps.

DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his friends and girlfriend killed.

DAYBREAKERS: Everyone’s obsession to become vampires comes true, and then the world runs out of blood, whoops.

DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.

DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.

DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.

DETROIT ROCK CITY: teenagers want to see kiss, steal Volvo, get priest high (what else is new) meet hot chick, throw pizza, see kiss, boy fucks dream girl in church, tells deranged obsessive mom to fuck off.

DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.

DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.

DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women takes them on adventures, some are hot.

DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.

(Bram Stoker’s) DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.

DON’T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL: Guy wants out of the hood, black power guy sticks it to the white man by nailing his milk of magnesia. Midget becomes paraplegic.

DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR?: Kelso and other idiot lose car, have two hot girlfriends us guys wouldn’t mind nailing; somehow they get to be heroes instead.

EASTERN PROMISES: Aragorn has naked fighting scene, sure knows how to destroy a human body beyond recognition, turned out to be a cop.

EASY A: Hot girl fakes her way to good grades by opening her legs, without opening her legs. Moral of the story, nerds/gamers/virgins are too easy.

E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.

EVOLUTION: Ethan Supplee uses a lot of head and shoulders, helps save world by giving monster a head n shoulders enema.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH: guy gets fired for telling a customer how it is, stoner still doesn’t know what happened.

FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former roommate.

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.

FEVER PITCH: Geeky high school teacher meets super hot girlfriend, must choose between Red Sox or banging her, smartly she makes him choose both, good girl, women are you reading this?

FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds Ball Park, almost kills girl.

FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.

FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.

FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: A Young couple realizes that you can’t fuck each other without love getting in the way. But more hilarious than real life, since women cause so much drama.

GARDEN STATE: Emotionally deranged Wanna-be Actor loses mom, goes home for funeral, proceeds to go on drug binge, meets hot girl, breaks her heart. What kinda fag turns down Natalie Portman?

GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds fucks teen boy, turns out she’s a porn star, makes every porno creep believe the same could happen to them.

GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.

THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.

GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, proceeds to have a miscarriage.

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.

GOOD DICK: Girl into porn can’t have social life and find a good guy, CHECK IT OUT IT’S A ROLE REVERSAL, but fictional.

GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim, applesauce bitch.

THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.

GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.

GROWN UPS: Youth friends get back together; realize they have a good life save for the guy banging a corpse.

HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.

HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.

HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.

HAROLD AND KUMAR: Stoners want hamburgers an hour away, Anthony Anderson freaks out, Asian stoner wants to bang Hispanic girl, other stoner cock blocks him. Love stains ensue on car with hookers and doctor doogie.

HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.

HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property, decapitates other elderly people.

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE: former mob crazy guy makes new life, former employer wants to kill him, coffee in that town isn’t as good as the one back in Philly.

THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY: Illegal alien saves one loser human out of the entire earth, goes on adventure to have earth rebuilt, runs into hot girl he loved, they kill little people with teacups.

THE HOST: Korean man has difficulty looking after his daughter and running a restaurant out of his cart.

HOT SHOTS: Disgruntled armed forces veteran chases girl and glory.

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: Guys go back in time to redo their past, relive old glory and make life better. Guy pukes on squirrel.

THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.

IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.

WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.

IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.

JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.

JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.

JUMPER: Teen girl likes guy who can disappear to other far away places, proceeds to get kidnapped by a Jedi master.

JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.

JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.

KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.

KICK-ASS: Local kid decides to step up instead of step aside, gets to fly in a jet pack.

KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.

KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.

KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.

KUNG-FU PANDA: Fat lazy bum panda proves fat peoples dreams that they can be something beside a fat ass.

LAST ACTION HERO: Ahnold smokes cigars can’t be killed, kidnaps kid through golden ticket, ahnold talks to ahnold. Sonya Blade is his Daughter.

LEGION: The lord forgets how to keep it real, we also find out Angels are vicious violent assholes.

LITTLE BIG LEAUGE: Kid inherits baseball team, brings respect back to baseball, lockout ruins it a few years later.

LITTLE NICKY: Satan’s Retarded Son saves Satan from Debo and other gay brother; chick from legally blonde turns out to be the retards mom. It’s all in the hips.

THE LITTLE RASCALLS: bunch of kids sell fried chicken to rebuild soapbox car for race.

LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.

THE MACHINIST: Local factory worker refuses to take a nap, decides everyone is against him.

MADEA GOES TO JAIL: Menace to society goes to jail and gets out on a technicality, Lawyer also falls in love with prostitute and sends his fiancée to jail.

MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.

THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.

MAURICE RICHARD: THE ROCKET= greatest hockey movie to ever be made, knocks out Sean Avery twice, fuck you Sean Avery.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS: the army wastes resources and money on teaching men to play stare contests with goats until goats fall.

METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.

MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.

MILK: Uppity queer dies.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.

MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.

MY SASSY GIRL (Korean film): Guy meets drunken chick, girl proceeds to abuse him so she can meet some other guy, two years later turned out that was the guy she was to meet.

My SASSY GIRL (American version): Sean Avery's sloppy seconds needs meds to stop acting like a weird bitch. She abuses Guy, both slap each other. Watch Korean film please.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: Retard meets cute girl and illegal immigrant, proceed to help immigrant become class president, dancing to Jamiroquai ensues.

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country, causes emos to have wet dreams.

NO SLEEP ‘TIL MADISON: drunken boring comedians take road trip to the Madison hockey tournament, nothing funny happens.

THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.

O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.

OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.

OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.

OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend, this has nothing to do with mice at all.

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.

THE OTHER GUYS: Desk jockey cops get jealous of other cops decide to take to the street, mess up a gas saver car.

OUTSOURCED: Guy loses his job, has to go to India and train people with shit accents everyone hates on the phone, years later they come here to Arizona and ruin our call centers.

PAPER HEART: Asian girl manages a way to make a Michael Cera movie THAT MUCH MORE BORING!!!!

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen; this ideology causes Kyle from southpark to have a nervous breakdown.

PATHFINDER: Viking helps Native Americans hold off other Vikings from conquering the Americas, Spaniards show up later and take care of business.

THE PEOPLE I’VE SLEPT WITH: Girl can’t figure out who her baby-daddy is, has to track down 500 guys, and realizes she’s a slut who likes to take photos.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS: Loser fat 20-something year cant get pussy so proceeds to nail hot high school senior, gets stoned, goes on adventure, still cant compare to the epic awesomeness of cheech and chong.

PRECIOUS: Abused pregnant mother of one seeks help from her teachers, steals bucket of chicken once or twice.

PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.

PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME= Guy has a hard time with time machine dagger, endangers entire kingdom.

PULP FICTION: Chris Chelios’ former hockey coach starring as himself, straight up from Inglewood!

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.

RAISING ARIZONA: couple learns they can’t have a baby, steal one and raise it as their own, no biggie.

RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.

RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.

RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.

ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.

ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.

ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS- we’re men, men, MEN, we’re men in tights, we roam around the forest looking for fiiiiiigggghhhhtttsss

ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.

ROCKY: White man beats black man, Everyone Cheers.

ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.

RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.

SALEM WITCH TRIALS: white people get weirder by making up scapegoats for random shit happening.

SAVED: Teen fails to get abortion, makes new friends because of that, we find out Jesus freaks don’t like gays or pregnant teens.

SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous. Wannabe gangsters begin to believe his story is true life, even though there’s proof of Frank Lucas a true gangster.

SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.

THE SCORPION KING: Brothers embark on legendary adventure and fail, somewhat.

SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl, gets girlfriend even i'd kill to date. Manages to defeat her exes.

SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.

SHUTTER ISLAND: guy searches a case for a woman who murdered her family, realizes it’s his wife, has a small panic attack.

SIGNS: Jesus trumps science apparently aliens are also defeated by water.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.

SLC PUNK: Stevo: Only posers die you fucking idiot!

SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed, gets revenge by killing bitch.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Lay about stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners, they proceed to sing how she’s a ho.

SON OF RAMBOW: Boy inspired by Rambo: First Blood decides to make his tribute to it by taking John Rambo on as his dad.

SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.

STARGATE: Random historian helps unlock gate to other worlds, stays behind to fuck a community leaders daughter.

STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.

STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Megalomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.

STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.

STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.

STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.

STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, and attempts patricide.

STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septuagenarian, is lauded.

STEP BROTHERS: guys with autism destroy parents attempt at second chance of love. Boats and hoes party results in burning boat, massive awesome drum solos happen.

THE STEPFATHER: Local man marries chick with kids that annoy him, does what every man who has stepchildren wishes they could do.

STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.

STRANGE BREW: Canadian guys will do anything for free beer and hockey.

SUNSHINE CLEANING: hot girl learns to clean up messes.

SUPERBAD: Boys plan date rape, sleep together, and confess man love to each other.

SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.

SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.

SWINGERS: Guy makes Gretzky’s head bleed in NHL on Sega.

TEEN WOLF: Teen has hard time adjusting to finding hair in places he didn’t have before.

TENURE: Professor faked his way through school, decides to go back to school and finish before someone finds out.

TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.

THE BIRDCAGE- homosexual couple teaches governor that it’s ok to bend it like bekham and still raise a straight child.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: The Butcher becomes a Kidnapper, commits murder several times, for the American Dream of course.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP: Rock and Roll is a hard lifestyle in the 80s.

TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: the exploitations of law and men who run it, doesn’t teach how to kill mockingbirds at all, misleading manual on killing birds.

TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.

TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.

TRAILER PARK BOYS: Ricky=I have all these voices in my head especially that one that keeps telling me this is greasy. I hate it!!!

Bubbles: Ricky that’s your conscience, its telling you what you’re doing is wrong

TROPIC THUNDER: Actors proceed to revive hostile relations with Vietnam, with blank bullets, somehow survive.

TWILIGHT: Stupid Girl gives up college, for a creepy stalker, most movie going girls wish they could fuck due to his paleness and lack of body definition.

UNDERCOVER BROTHER: WE WANT THE FUNK, GOTTA HAVE THAT FUNK! You Got Soul!

UP: Old man thinks he can escape the world by moving his house, accidentally kidnaps fat kid.

V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.

VALHALLA RISING: Viking doesn’t like being a slave, gets lost while escaping.

WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating with the locals.

WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.

WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: The only thing that saves this movie is the lunch cook played by Christopher Meloni. That’s about it.

WHEN IN ROME: Typical girl really wants guy out of her league when everyone else really likes her but refuses to understand other people like her.

WINTER PASSING: Emotionally disconnected hottie visits dad, and tries to pass judgment on him and his roommates when she’s no slouch herself.

THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.

YEAR ONE: Gay couple save hotties and resort to being straight.

ZOMBIELAND: creator of facebook finds himself between a guy wanting a Twinkie and girls pants with his inability to do anything about it.

I think we all need to Learn a little from Albert Einstein's Quotes on Life

2011-09-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Follow Your Curiosity. "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."

Perseverance is Priceless. "It's not that I'm so smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer."

Focus on the Present. "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

The Imagination is Powerful. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge."

Make Mistakes. "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

Live in the Moment. "I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."

Create Value. "Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

Don't Expect Different Results. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Knowledge Comes From Experience. "Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience."

Learn the Rules and Then Play Better. "You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else."

2011 NHL Dubious Awards

2011-09-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer- These Awards can only be given to the players who Play a minimum of 30 games to a full 82 Take in Mind, some switch many teams in a season like Bochenski has in years past but that’s not always. Most of these are made for humor and recognizing not just the Mediocre Players of the NHL, but those who are somewhat mediocre and still have skill.

And Now, for the 2nd anual Awards, here's your host, them Internetz=

The Duke Lion Fightin' Stance Award:

Given to the player who registers the most fighting majors for the season. Other criteria for consideration include blood drawn, blood spilled, heads cracked, hands broken, and estimated number of opponents who may have shit their pants. He Will Basically try to fuck your shit up even if you don’t wanna fight.

2011 Recipient: George Parros, the Stache takes it this year by a somewhat close by two fights total more than Konopka. So by numbers he wins, Parros is a tall cup of glass and a whole more stache than anyone else save for maybe Gillies’ fu Manchu. Parros already has a reputation for being a mild mannered forward who is just trying to make a living aside from his high education, but when rustled he will go to town on you. Fists to face.

Honourable Mention: Zenon Konopka not just for his 25 fights and fiery attitude and his words to Lemieux, but because he leads with his face and repeats more than a pizza at 2 am. Third is Boll, who leads with his fists when he’s not concussed. Shame, his concussions have limited his play because he’s actually a skilled guy who should showcase it more.

The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:

Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.

2011 Recipient: Peter Budaj, this guy has been a flop since he was the back up for Aesbischer, and Theodore, and the avalanche refuse to give up on him, instead of finding better talent in the pipeline and or free agency, but no, they refuse to learn.

Honourable Mention: Jose Theodore, and Marty Turco.

The Darcy Tucker Award:

Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals during a contract year in an effort to secure a big payday.

2011 Recipient: Matt Moulson, This guy has actually earned it though, went from nothing to something all thanks to the magic of John Tavares and his passing skills, it goes to show the level of the guy and what he’s reaching, think of Moulson as Crosby’s first guy he was feeding, Andy Hilbert.

Honourable Mention: Brad Richards, the biggest douche bag that could possibly be, has made it apparent he will be hitting the open market and instead of letting his team get something in return by “trading” his negotiating rights, he refuses, this is why no trade clauses should never come into play.

The Steve Downie Trophy:

Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest piece of shit by both players and fans.

2011 Recipient: Matt Cooke, do I seriously have to explain this piece of shit and his antics? His suspension for the rest of the season and first round of the playoffs says enough. His pleas that he will change is the equivalent of a wife beater telling his girl he has changed and two weeks later he is beating her ass too. Shameful. Tied with Him is Alex Burrows, do i really need to explain this guy? or shall we chew on something first to think it over?

Honourable Mention: Trevor Gillies, I’m kind of a fan of his, he cracks me up with his fu Manchu and semi mediocre play, but its his cheap shit shots that he’s suddenly been doing not just to the penguins but other players that kind of make him an embarrassment to the game, is he a good fighter? Yes he is. Did I frown on his hit on Cal Clutterbuck? No, that was poetic Justice.

The Harold Ballard Award:

Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable damage to his team by shortsighted transactions.

2011 Recipient: The Teachers Pension that owns the Leafs, Since they took over years ago they did do a few things to get the franchise back to the playoffs but after the lockout they’ve done nothing but drive the franchise back into the hole the leafs struggled to get out of since the Awards naming forefather. So far the team will be under new ownership, coming soon since they announced they’ll be selling their share but until its done and a real one person owner takes over, it would be great to see the entire team build up and be prominent and not just “fans in suits on the lower seats” as we’ve seen in the few years

Honourable Mention: The city of Glendale, I know, I know, they’re actually not the owners of the NHL, but their pending approval for any type of deal for a new owner is actually hindering the teams ability to build a reputable relationship with the fans again after a hindering lockout when the team was actually a seller and could fill at least more than half a section from the looks of it now a days. The fact that I actually remember seeing a more than half filled arena on a Thursday night game tells enough. Hurry the fuck up! If you cant help fix the problem then you’re also part of the problem.

The Kevin Lowe Award

Awarded to the GM who best Exemplifies the ability to "throw a grenade at 30 other teams by doing something stupid with a contract or a trade"

2011 Recipient: A Tie, between, Whoever the hell was the GM of the Panthers, and Don Waddell, neither can take their teams into the playoffs ever again, neither can take the talent in those teams and guide them to the next level, instead they just buried them, and in case of the ATL, they’re now the Winnipeg “Jets”.

Honourable Mention: The Lisp, he has turned the Senators from a powerhouse he inherited from Mucks, to. …This.

The Tom McVie Award:

Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most dysfunctional on-ice product.

2011 Recipient: Tie Between Scott Gordon, and Cory Clouston, and whichever Sutter is now coaching the flames, how worse can you get when you have, young up and coming speedy skilled super talented players, and in other cases, such as Jarome Iginla and a few others and NOTHING. What a joke, thank god two of the three have been fired, I feel bad for flames fans until he goes too.

Honourable Mention: Alain Vigneault and Bruce Boudreau, take two highly skilled, talented teams and what do you get? Top rankings in the conference, lots of goals scored. Throw them in the playoffs and you have two choke artists one with a coach who looks almost as bad as Claude Julien’s ugly ass face, beet red screaming fbombs and asking why some random shit happened. And the other one, a team that makes it to the finals after 16 years only to take a lead and drop it and have their city destroyed for the second time in the finals, a joke.

The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:

The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known. Usually awarded to the player with the most attempt to injure, attempted murders, and sucker punches. (Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and Marty McSorely.)

2011 Recipient: Matt Cooke, again, for the second year in a row, he should get a new speech going, I think his “I have to change” speech was enough.

Honourable Mention: Trevor Gillies for his stuff against the Penguins but Mike Haley can fill this one too.

The Chris Chelios Award:

Pretty self explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player. (There should be no surprise here, once again.)

2011 Recipient: Dr. Mark Recchi, Rex not only has stuck around until he won the cup and decided to retire right there with the cup in his hands, but he also graduated as a doctor of Medicine as he was able to pin point the issues the Montreal doctors could not figure out with MaxPac’s neck and other injuries. What more can you ask for?

Honorable Mentions: Nik Lidstrom, who has decided that coming back another year is certainly what he should do, I’m actually sick and tired of seeing him on the wings blueline, go away.

The Mike Ricci Trophy:

Given to a player with the best mop on his head.

2011 Recipient: Kris Letang, did you see his mop? This guy not only has flow, but he’s got Chris Simon 90s related Flow, damn near the most impressive. Ryan Jones Ties this guy though, because he's taller so he fights more gravity with those beautiful locks, straight hair for Letang= no knots. Curly baby locks for Jones=tangles with some great bounce. You have to appreciate that.

Honourable Mention: George Parros, great flow, fantastic volume and color, no grays and he donates his hair to the cancer foundations to make wigs, how much more can you love this guy? What a guy! Another honourable mention is the All Hair Team of the Minnesota High School Hockey Tourney, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9NW6KB9C8Y

If you haven’t seen this then you know nothing about hockey hair.

The 'Tart' Ross Trophy:

Given to the Player who plays a minimum of 30 games and his dubious scoring antics. Previous recipients include Matthew Spiller, Half the Coyotes team for since 2003.

2011 Recipient: Kyle Chipchura, once believed to be a top power forward that the Canadiens wasted a complete first round draft pick instead of other players they could have drafted, and now can barely hold a spot in Anaheim, he’s a UFA I hear and from the looks of it, he will not be coming back. 40gp 0g 2a

Honourable Mention: Vladimir Zharkov, just because of how awesome his name is. 38gp 2g 2a

The Slack Adams Award:

Given to the coach who is basically a cancer to his team and bench.

2011 Recipient: Brent Sutter, Yes I am aware his team isn’t the worst in the standings, but the guy can’t handle his own locker room, for a guide he can’t be the right solution for the problem they have, shame.

Honourable Mention: Cory Clouston, nuff said as per before.

The NOrris Trophy:

Given to the defenseman who is not just mediocre, but sucks plain out, and I don’t mean "Mike Green at Defense" Sucks, I mean he can’t hit the net or block a shot-sucks.

2011 Recipient: Matt Smaby Takes this again for the second year in a row, 32gp 0g 0a 0p +/- of 2 Ironically this is a step back from last years stats for the poor guy.

Honourable Mention: Brian Lee of the Ottawa Senators, supposed to be part of their future Defensive body and after 50 games barely squeaked past Smaby with 3 assists.

The Lesswegetlessweseelessisbetterofyou Patrick Trophy:

Given to the person in hockey with the least outstanding service to the game, meaning you're basically in the news and its nothing positive because you’re an asshole or selfish prick.

2011 Recipient: Colin Campbell, the leagues disciplinarian should have stepped down like the NHL has that “Secret Rule” when an official’s son is playing for a team they cannot have anything to do with their son’s team in discipline or calling scores. Granted nobody gave a shit about Florida so it didn’t matter but as a father and disciplinarian for the NHL he should have quit when Greg got in. Loved the Black and yellow tie he wore at the NHL awards, so obvious. Who’s the guy who called the discipline for the Bruins? Campbell’s right hand man, and best friend. There were many suspensions the bruins and Canucks should have gotten or the Bruins in any of their cup run or season, so it’s kind of a bullshit raw deal other teams got. No I’m aware I’m a Montreal fan but I’m talking other instances. The last suspension we saw worthy by the Bruins was that cheap shot Paille threw.

Honourable Mention: Glen Sather, I’ve never seen a GM just sign and sign and sign and overpay players again and again to such extent that the team ends up losing out on possible futures, lately the rangers have been rebuilding from indoors but their signings are really hampering them no matter what.

Too Much Plus/Minus Award:

Given to the player with the worst +/- possible:

2010 Recipient: Normally this should go Straight to Chris Phillips for his -35 but that’s too easy with such a mediocre Senators team this season reminiscent of the early years. But the guy that really REALLY DESERVES THIS IS…Ilya Kovalchuk. That’s right I said it! The Top paid player with his retarded ass long contract, here’s the guy whose supposed to be one of the most impact players in the NHL Sure did prove his contract was worth it and the loss of draft picks with such amazing stats as 81gp 31g(he gets paid top dollars for this one to be higher) 29a -26

Honourable Mention I would love to give this to Ed Jovanovski but he wasn’t low enough on the list, so I’m going to go to my favorite Mexican, top Mexi player. Favorite player since I heard his name. You know how it is. Scott Gomez, Do you have any idea how much he earns a year for 4 more years? 7 Million, yeah, you read it right; you can thank fucking Glen Sather. His stats? 80gp 7g 31a 28pts -15, you saw it right, that’s a million dollars a goal! I’m ok knowing that he’s a playmaker meaning he should reach 18-27 goals maybe but get at least 50-60 assists a la Marc Savard or his 05-06 season feeding Gionta and Elias for 51 assists and potting 33 goals. Or shit, 16 goals and 54 points on his second to last year with the Rangers, This past season he went 33 games without a goal a huge bounce back year is really needed by him, or even I will disown him as a Mexican.

The Silver Bullet Award:

Given to the player with the worst goal output possible for someone who once had so much potential, kind of like Nic Antroslob used to for the leafs for almost ten years before starting to actually play two years ago. Excluded from being listed are players whose seasons ended from injury.

2011 Recipient: Last year we gave this to D’Agostini and his stats improved he potted 21 goals and 46 points, But this year its going to be a tie for Both Radim “the vibrtr” Vrbata and Lee “Stumpy” Stempniak. Top contracts, entry level contract goal output, certainly not something Phoenix needs to waste so much cash on them for, not only is a huge bounce back needed by them, especially like Vrbata's season before leaving to Europe getting so many goals he needs to pick it up, Stempniak played more games and got 10 less points same amount of goals (19) They need to step up so phoenix doesn’t sink lower than they need to be.

Honourable Mention: Antoine Vermette, probably one of my favorite players in the senators at one point, I stopped paying attention to him since I hate Columbus so much, so much, that I stopped giving a shit about the poor guy. He’s fast, very good at faceoffs and smooth with the puck, good checker, and great hands with the puck and sweet passing, but this year he obviously didn’t showcase that this year with 81gp 19g 28a but he did break even on the +/- at 0. Also see Matt Stajan.

The Credit Union Award:

To the NHL player not voted fan favorite for his irrelevance to the league and team itself:

2011 Recipient: By two votes, Colin Fraser wins; this is the guy the oilers “gave up” to bring Ryan Smyth home. 67gp 3g 2a 5pts extremely mediocre for a third line centre. Brett Lebda also takes a notion in this just because of how terrible he is, and to quote Doug’s gramps, “he is about as useless as a fishing pole in a desert”

Honourable Mention: Jon Ericcson, Ed Jovanovski and Mike Modano have tied for this one, top flight players in the last few decades and this year they just like the last few years have decided to sign big contracts or leave the teams of success and have stumbled all around the ice. It’s kind of sad Modanos homecoming to Detroit was bad, he should have quit as a star or signed with the wild. Jovanovski, well he’s just plain bad, thank the lord his contract is up. As for Jon, think turnover hero for every other team, the less effective replacement for Lilja, and that says something.

The Steve McKenna Award:

Given to the worst captain in the League currently. Has to wear the C on his chest a minimum of 30 games barred from Injury, his support in play and lack of anything counts.

2011 Recipient: Shawn Horcoff, for the guy who’s the captain and trusted player to lead the rebuilding young oilers into futures, but he decided to…not. 47gp 9g 18a -1. Up next tied to him is of Course Chris Drury, sad to say but the super talented guy has become a shell of his former self and is poised to now be bought out. SO MUCH, for glory.

Honourable Mention: Mike Richards, once the core center of the Flyers. Went from being the future core front and leader of the Flyers for the next 10 years to being sold off after a few years, especially all of his locker room antics that have basically made him expendable to sign a overrated goalie for such a long fucked up contract. Dece numbers 81gp 23g 43a +/-11, but not too great character. At least he won’t have to see Subban often this year.

The Tyson Nash for Captain Award:

Given to the player who wore the "A" for his team as assistant captain for at least 30 games barring injury, has to suck and for some reason stupid nasty ugly pucksluts think he'd make a better leader than the current leader on a mediocre team.

2011 Recipient: Ed Jovanovski, the fact that he had the C put on his chest while Doan was injured/suspended this past season goes to show just because you get paid big bucks doesn’t mean you’re top captain material or even a scorer. Terribly mediocre, and very overpaid.

Honourable Mention: Craig Rivet, this guy has no business even wearing a C, he would have won the award, that Shawn Horcoff took home tonight, but this guy is a top six pairing dman, but I’m talking second or third line pairing. Gets embarrassed often, he just isn’t the defenseman he once was in Montreal, you know, the guy who constantly fought and got bloodied up by smaller guys, and only got around by playing clutch and grab and hit and throw yourself in front of the puck, think a less mobile Rhett Warrener. Think a smaller and actually slower Hal gill, yep I went there. The best thing buffaslug did was trade him. I wont post his stats because of how bad he was,

The Holyfield Award

Given to the player who best exemplifies the "GOD DAMN" Effect on everyone, with a one-punch knockout of a bitch player. Previous recipients include that fatbastard Boogaard for his punch on the small Fedoruk, and Colton Orr for his punch on Fedoruk, Tahir Domi for his Punch on Ulf Faguelsson, and Keith Primeau for his punch on that horrible player named Jovanovski. If I was alive 60 years ago, Maurice Richard for his punch on that retard from the rangers who recently was played by Sean Avery in the movie, which was great to see Avery knocked out twice. And Matt Walker for knocking the fuck out of Jovanovski that had me saying "YES I HOPE IT ENDED HIS CAREER LIKE BEUKEBOOM" but it didn’t

2011 Recipient: Derek Engelland, this guy busted Colton Orr’s face almost as awesomely as Orr did to fedoruk. Orr dominated the start of the fight but Derek hung in there until he got his footing in and finally was able to throw in a good haymaker and just destroyed him. Tied with him is Johnson vs. DP, not only did Johnson knock out DP who was laughing and being a moron in a fight being cocky and not taking the fight seriously but had to learn by having a concussion and his cheek broken and had to wear an Osgood mask but hey he looked better in it.

Honourable Mention: John Scott, laying down the bloody law on Kevin Westgarth, give it to Kevin he hung in there while donating blood to his jersey, glass, ice, and John’s hands. That is only a testament that he’s more than willing to be in the fight but not that he’s able to do something in that fight. Fourth place is going to MacIntyre and Ivanans, a fight that started out slowly and developed to kind of boring scrapping, but MacAttack decided enough was enough and ended up Raitis’ season...possibly his career.

The Things We Do, and the People We Know

2011-09-19T02:31:00.001-07:00

Home Truths

10 Truths Black And Hispanic People Know, But White People Won’t Admit:

1. Elvis is dead.

2. Jesus was not White, who are you kidding? He didn't look like Charleston Heston, He had "skin of bronze and hair like Sheep's wool", if that ain't black that this isn't my real name.

3. Rap music is here to stay, unfortunately its now really shitty rap music.

4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean, unless you just gave them a bath.

5. Skinny does not equal sexy, i've had better "meetings" with women who have a few pounds more on them than a girl whos ribs i can feel instead of boobs, you can too, eat up baby, nobody's paying you any service.

6. Thomas Jefferson had black children. Not kidding, look it up, he seriously did.

7. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller. Thats why it bows awkwardly, thats why our children start fatting up so young.

8. N’ SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5, Whooooa oh ooh hoo oh

9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line. Kept me out of jail.

10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal. If i'd have tried that my dads hand would have been tattooed on the lower lip forever.

10 Truths White And Black People Know, But Hispanic People Won’t Admit:

1. Hickey’s are not attractive. Ok hose bag from Iqor?

2. Chicken is food, not a roommate. Guilty but i have my brother to blame.

3. Jesus is not a name for your son. Ahem!

4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration. (puerto rico's my country puerto ricos my country, no its not dummy its US territory)

5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter. Its like the Christina for whites.

6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies. Unless someone is carrying something stupid.

7. 10 people to a car is considered too many! Unless its a big van. No, your lap isnt a seat unless you got a girl with you, but 9 out of 10 that she is family, gross dude.

8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement. I dont care how hard you look ese, you still look retarded.

9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person in your family, that goes to all the puerto ricans too, fucking creepy dude, nothings more attractive than the girl i dated years ago mid a moment of "passion'' and she says "ai papi" clothes on, goodbye.

10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal. But hilarious.

10 Truths White And Hispanic People Know, But Black People Won’t Admit:

1. O. J. did it. But this one is actually white people, because everyone else hates O.J. thats why white people took him officially in the racial dispersal draft.

2. Tupac is dead. Dead as fuck.

3. Teeth should not be decorated. Because you can only look so tacky.

4. Weddings should start on time. This is everyone though, especially mexicans.

5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything. Jesse's a fucking moron.

6. Jesse Jackson will never be President. Yes, i went there, fuck that guy.

7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it’s a color. So is purple drank.

8. Church does not require expensive clothes. But church means you should be respectful and dress right. Shirt and tie and a coat, unlike "others" who go in shorts and sandals, thats fucked up and not respectful.

9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away. Not for stashing yo shit.

10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car, Black ghetto bastard, still waitin on that check from the government, hustlin a little rock to pay some child support, and has 4 rimz on his whip that he has on a payment plan for 25 dollars a week, cause imma playaaa

How To Decipher Police Terms

2011-09-19T02:30:00.002-07:00

Its Under investigation = His Friends Are Looking into It!

He’s On Administrative Leave = Vacation!

He’s On Paid Leave = Paid Vacation!

He’s On Un-Paid Leave = He’s Paying for His Vacation!

He’s Been Reassigned = Promoted!

Demoted = He’s Back on the Streets Where He Can Really Do Damage!

He’s Being Re-trained = A Week at a Porn Convention!

Charges are Pending = Looking for Someone Else to Blame!

The Chief of Police is Looking Into it = He’s Making Sure He Cant Be Blamed!

The NHL Disciplinarians are a JOKE!!!

2011-09-19T02:30:00.001-07:00

This was Posted in May 27th, 2011

The NHL's Disciplinarians are a fucking joke. Yep i said it, not just as a Montreal fan but here's some good ones, more to come.

I took part of the quotes from someone elses article, but a lot more will be added by me in the next 24 hours, not just mocking the bruins but other teams, ps fuck the bruins.

Quotes by Campbell on suspending players who try to injure other people.

“And so I think he has to be responsible in how he takes a [Brian] Campbell in, and what kind of position the other player’s in. And he had moved the puck already, Campbell. Look, if there’s no injury on the play, we probably, we don’t do anything, but that’s part of the supplemental discipline process. If you cause a player to be injured, then you have to be responsible for the play that you’re involved in, if there’s any carelessness or recklessness in it.”

Now replace Brian Campbell’s name for Max Pacioretty’s in the above statement, and you’re left wondering why Campbell’s office didn’t suspend Zdeno Chara. You can argue that it was a hockey play, and that it happens all the time. You can show me the clip of Hal Gill introducing Jon Sim in to the stanchion (though the two plays are totally different). But when you look at the above bolded text, Colin Campbell makes it crystal clear that regardless of your intentions, hockey play or not, if you hurt somebody badly enough (and we’re not talking about a run-of-the-mill bump or bruise here), you will be suspended. I wonder if anybody asked Colin Campbell why or how his statements from March 2010 no longer applied in March of 2011? Especially given the seriousness of the injury (please, no Dr. Recchi comments!)

The second incident is an even more perplexing example. Two years ago, New York Rangers Head Coach John Tortorella was suspended for one playoff game for hosing down a fan with the contents of a water bottle. For his part, here’s what Campbell had to say about Coach Torts’ suspension:

“While it is a difficult decision to suspend a coach at this point in a playoff series, it has been made clear to all of our players, coaches and other bench personnel that the National Hockey League cannot — and will not — tolerate any physical contact with fans. We do not take this action lightly.”

“That investigation revealed that Mr. Tortorella squirted a fan with water before Mr. Tortorella was doused with a beverage. While, in these circumstances, it always is easy to allege mitigating circumstances, the fact is we do not tolerate contact with our fans in this manner”

Fast forward to May 25, 2011 and Boston Bruins faggot, errr forward Nathan Horton was caught doing the exact same thing – spraying a fan with water from a bottle, not actually something incited by chanting like Torts was but just leaving the ice, grabs a bottle and lets it rip into an older mans face. Given Campbell’s strongly worded and straight forward statement, you’d think that an automatic suspension would follow suit for Horton, right? After all, he did mention – twice in the same statement – that the league will not tolerate these types of interactions with fans.

Ryder leaving his feet a full fucking jump at least a foot or more off the ice to hit the Lightning's Jones' who goes down and did we even see him play right if at all the rest of the series? a Serious headhunting head shot, i love the fact that if you look at the replay Bruins fans are defending him saying shit like "he lead with his shoulder and the hit knocked him off his feet" Really?

What in the motherfuck!

What the fuck has happened lately?

Is the league really pushing the "will not" and "cannot" rule? Or is it because his faggot cheap shot diver of a son is on that team? Yes Yes, I get it you're all going to tell me someone else deals with the Bruins discipline, but do they really?

The league will suspend those who cause injury. I mean, it only took them 7 tries before they realized "oh shit, Matt Cooke is trying to hurt people on purpose, shut the fuck up Mario we know"

I’m not a conspiracy theory guy, but when then Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski is suspended for a a hilarious gesture about Sean Avery knobbin someone's Knob.

Yet Andrew Ference has an equipment malfunction flips the bird to 21,000 people after scoring a goal without a corresponding penalty except seeing Cam Neely's fat ass laughing, and do we really need to see that son of a bitch over and over and over all the fucking time on live tv? Your career is over with, fuck off! I'm starting to think Ulf is suddenly awesome.

Fuck the Bear.

Drink Starbucks! A Guide (or not) of how you can go from Being the Uncool, to the bloated ego of "Cool"

2011-09-19T02:27:00.002-07:00

Yeah i said it, how many of you have been to Stabucks? (pretend stares)

Come on don't be shy, this isn't going to be yet another one of my "COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE" Leary induced rant. Or another one of those "man why the fuck would i pay 5.60 for a 4 ounce half cup of coffe with a gripload of whipped cream and it tastes like crap?"

So....How many of you have been? Can you tell me the last time you enjoyed paying so much for coffee? have you cut down on it? How many of you can live without it? I know i seldom and rarely ever not hear someone say "oh heck no i need my starbucks i can't live without it!"

Now take into consideration, this isn't going to be your typical "blog" i write, this is more of a rant and annoyed speech by me about coffee and starbucks. Why starbucks? After further conversation, it was a necessary evil rant.

Did you know QT's gasoline is pretty good? and did you know their Coffee is just as good a drink as the one you're giving your car? Did you know that Dunkies (dunkin donuts for those of you not schooled in certain things) Has probably the best black cup of coffee you'll have? or better yet other types of frapp/al/cap a chinos ever. yes i'm aware i said Chino and not ccino. (Nods to my mexis)

You know, growing up in the 90s i only ever saw Coffee Shops and Coffee Houses through TV. Not in person i grew up poor, what kid wants to buy coffee anyway when the green ranger has just been turned away from evil and the dragonzord is whuppin Rita's latest monster concoctions' asses?

So all in all what notion i got is what everyone got from the 90s, of coffee places, people reading/writting poetry, Berets, ugh really a fucking beret, thank you monica lewinski for ruining what special opps officers wore on a day off. Stupid Ankle warmer!

But i'm getting away from it, Central Perk, you remember that name right? F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

yeah i'll be there for you too. The way the sat around talked, and how snobby and high on their arches everyone around them were for buying coffee from there?

Its like a Trendsetter as Starbucks, the next evil according to everyone whos a purist about coffee, yeah in hockey we have "purists" you know, those guys who say "no no keep the game the same, dont eliminate the trap its part of hockey" Same ones who said about adding it. Starbucks now a days is considered the big evil, why do you ask? WHY WOULD I SAY SWEET TENDER STARBUCKS IS EVIL?

1... Last Year not 2010 i'm talking seasonal, 2009 christmas time, the whole "buy a starbucks drink now and we will donate 10 cents of your purchase to Haiti, or whatever country is apparently in need all the time" Really? 10 Cents from a $4 drink? WOW that'll really change the world. I remember signing up for a group boycotting Starbucks that winter and just going and donating the money you would have spent for a drink there to the charity of choice, i was broke back then and jobless and i can guarantee you i made lots of money that winter from my gloves and money went to charity.

2. The employees, Is starbucks really that amazing to work for? Sure you go in and you have some saying hello and all that awesome stuff with smiles. Yeah starbucks is only good to work for if you're a trendy little snobby fuck who thinks you do the world a chance by buyin from there, gone are the days of wearing berets and sipping lattes, now you have to wear skinny jeans and work at starbucks to be the "cool". I have never met a person in starbucks or seen one that isnt just a person buying coffee and instead sounding like a snotty asshole. Buying starbucks for your kids because you love it? What kind of asshole are you? You do realize coffee is bad for kids under 17 right?

But lets get back to the Employees, having the experience first hand of seeing how working at a coffehouse/restaurant and how the employees can have such a shit time. And seeing prior to that job how Starbucks management can treat their employers? It makes me sad, but hey happens at every place. Why is starbucks evil if every place is utter shit to the employees? Would you make your friend manager and let him ruin and abuse fellow employees for his fun and mettle with their private lives so you can make them suffer at work? Thats a bit excessive. Is it a bit excessive?

You let me know if it is, i know some drama queens like my brother and a few others are excessive like this but christ i'd hate working for them, i'd either jump off the building or throw them off. use them as a landing mat.

3. The Coffee, you didn't think i would make an article/blog about a coffee company without talking coffee right?

Right!

I had a few friends who worked for Starbucks, and i can't say everytime they gave me a free coffee that i enjoyed it, Probably the Caramel frapp or the Vanilla bean Caramel slushy, yeah i called it slushy cause it is! How is their plain black coffee? at 3.75 for a "small" I think the 99 cent cup from Dunkies is not just perfect but add some sugar and maybe a little cream to taste, and holy goodness, I kid you not, try it out, theres a dunkies in tempe, theres one in north phoenix off the 101, and one over by the hospital off the 101 and Thomas road, YUM! Sadly Starbucks coffee never did that for me

Back when i actually hardly ever ever went to a starbucks unless friends dragged me you know what i bought? You know? a freaking vanilla milk. How sad.

Remember in 2009 when coffee was 4.75 and wasn't a gallon? And Gasoline was? Retarded. Right? How many of you were moronic enough to go and get coffee that summer? Word has it this summer will reach those highs again, i look forward to seeing all the statuses bitching about how expensive gas is but you need starbucks that day.

I dated and now i'm marrying the girl who when i met her she wanted starbucks all the time, i think we made more stops at starbucks than....i dont know because we went everywhere too. And now? she'll buy it and half a cup later gets bored with it. She went from being the ultimate Starbucks fangirl to "hey a starbucks? in this place? why?"

I have a QT accross the street that tastes better to me and other people i know than starbucks, especially with the shit atttitudes of the employees who get treated like shit but tell everyone how much they love their job. Sorry you can't lie to me i know you and dont know you either.

Which Brings me to this last one.

4. The attitude it takes to be a starbucks employee to last there and to be a starbucks regular here in arizona from the experience i've had and seen. You have to have a shit one, why yes of course you have to be friendly, you have to smile and pretend you're happy to see the person coming in whos about to be the pickiest asshole and take up your time trying to choose coffee.

A. Skinny jeans? Check, gotta replace them with black slacks or dickies if youre on the employee side of the counter.

B. Bad attitude, you have to be snobby to be a true Starbucks employee, the ability to screw your employees over but everytime someone talks to you about a product you have to have a "god i should be somewhere else on this counter than to do you a favor and answer about our new "amaaaaazing" coffee" Or if you're the buyer you have to have the same attitude but returning it to the employee giving you the same shit. Match made in heaven sometimes. I know some Starbucks employees aren't all like that but you know a lot that are.

C. You have to learn all the Moves, and have to sound cool doing it, the way you waltz in and the way you order, nobody likes the guy who shows up and doesn't know what he's doing when ordering.

I'll end it prematurely so i dont stay up too late, but with these words.

Did you know in life we humans are known for taking shit from everyone and being screwed over? You can be cheated on, punched, have money stolen. But can willingly speak to some jackass behind a counter and make your order but if they as so far as make your coffee order wrong by not putting enough of that Cappuccino shot you spit it out "PFFFFT BARISTA!!!!! DOES THIS TASTE LIKE A DOUBLE CAPPUCCINO LATTE WITH SOY MILK GRANDE EXTRA WHIPPED AND A TOUCH OF CARAMEL TO YOU?"

Nobody gives a shit If it does most of the time and its your fault, next time just order coffee. and Fuck Croissants.

How to properly order yourself a Hot Female Drink

Now as far as A Starbucks of women then i'd sign up, i upgraded a few times and now i'm at the best order i ever got to take. I was giggly at the line with my turn, i originally went to the school coffee place and got a medium height, insecure, dark, bird nest for hat, extra jealous, whore. So my second chance well, it had to be great.

aaaaah omg omgomg ok ok ok.....ummm OH GOD SO MANY CHOICES!!!

Ummmm, i'll take a Smart Brunnete semi blonde, blue eyes.....extra tall (hey fuck you! i know i should have picked before hand but oh well), Nice butt, oh yeah that one make it extra firm! Give me some D's on her too! Sure i'll take C's if i have to! Don't mind that either. UMMMM AAAHHHH....oh! Italian! (pow) Medium Milkyness....oh throw some carnation milk in it! Make her lean, throw some blue eyes in there, OH OOH OH OH GLASSES!!!! (schwing!) No jealousy please! and uhhhh let me add the rest for taste. Thank you!!!

This is if russians or french women are not applicable.

And that folks is how you do it when you go to a coffee house, and not be a dick.

The Dead Mike Era- Danny Gallivan

2011-09-19T02:27:00.001-07:00

Danny Gallivan was set in his ways and did not warm to new technology. When headsets complete with microphones arrived Gallivan refused to use it as he favoured his trusty old friend, the microphone. Eventually Gallivan agreed to use the headset (although he often just turned down the volume so he didn't have to hear the producers talking to him) but he would hold a dead mike in his hand. On one night he was interviewing a guest with this unplugged microphone. No one ever heard what the guest had to say.

How To Properly Assemble a Metal Band

2011-09-19T02:26:00.001-07:00

Everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel in any metal band, including the clothing must have steel or metals to look like steel, spikes etc.
You are allowed to be blonde with long hair but you have to be tough, for further examples look at Amon Amarth's 6'6 singer.
Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein, and Amon Amarth stick to Odin and Thor and other Viking themed lores. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
If at all possible, do not be Michael Kiske. If this is not possible, pretend to not be or sound like Michael Kiske try to sound more like Emperor or Mayhem.
Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons but hopefully not), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
16th notes are the only notes. Unless you’re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars. By the way, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki. Actually, PLEASE don’t be Timo Tolkki.
Wizards! You need wizards! If not, you need Thor, or something very dark!
Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail always remember to wear spike arm bands, See Kerry King of Slayer for examples.
Never leave Europe.For purposes of the above, Japan may be counted as part of Europe. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too. If you do make it to the US, try to be like Behemoth and do it years later after making all the fans salivate for your music and hold on dearly to every drop of notes you play on them.

Enjoy, and remember, if you hold notes especially high notes, you dont really count. and if you're not headbanging and twirling your hear like a true metal guitarist, you shall be punished.

The NHL Draft, we look back on it for the Canadiens

2011-09-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

Some teams draft good some just plain out bad (look up phoenix and the team i'm reviewing)

Now lets take a look back at some of the previous draft choices the Habs have made before this years draft, some have been heartbreaking and some have been utter shit, sometimes just thinking about this i think "wow at least the leafs didnt have draft picks and still don't" But that can only make you feel good for so long. I really hope Gauthier does something good with the draft, he just resigned Plekanec for 6 more years, thats an amazing good start, lets conjure what more good can come right?

From most current to the year 2000. I'm not going that far back because i cant remember much only what i read up and pissed me off. Which is enough.

2009: Canadiens took Louis Leblanc (18th overall). They could have taken: No obvious second-guesses at this point in the draft so we'll see what goes on from there right? Later-round bonus: Mac Bennett (3rd round, 79th overall) Have not seen anything on this guy so i'll leave it at that. Moving on.

2008: No first-round pick. Canadiens took Danny Kristo in the second-round, 56th overall. Again, no obvious One Who Got Away. And Maxim Trunev (5th round, 138 overall) might be a player if they ever get him out of Russia, stupid KHL, Fucking KHL How Does it Work?

2007: Ryan McDonough (12th overall) and Max Pacioretty (22nd) in the first round. Colton Gillies was still on the board when McDonough was picked and i really cannot believe they took McDonught over Gillies, and David Perron went four spots after Pacioretty. (Lars Eller went one spot after McDonough but he's a hab now too). But the Canadiens got P.K. Subban in the second round, 43rd overall (one spot before Aaron Palushaj).

2006: Canadiens took David Fischer 20th overall. Two picks later, the Flyers took Claude Giroux. Later in the first round, Patrik Berglund went to St. Louis which pisses me off at how good he's becoming and fischer is....see through basically and Nick Foligno to Ottawa but he's not that good right? only jumps around. Possibe sleeper draft who maybe will man up and do awesome: Ryan White in the third round ... but that doesn't make up for missing out on Giroux.

2005: Carey Price, the Franchise....hopefully, chosen 5th overall (one pick after Minesota took Benoit Pouliot who was acquired for latandrunk). Still on the board at that point: Devin Setoguchi, Anze Kopitar, Marc Staal (this one hurts), Tuukka Rask, T.J. Oshie and Andrew Cogliano. Canadiens took Sergei Kostitsyn in the seventh round, and that looked like a steal for a while. Not so much lately, unless you count his ties to that mob boss.

2004: Kyle Chipchura, 18th overall. Still on the board: Travis Zajac, Andrej Meszaros, Jeff Schultz and Mike Green. But the Canadiens took Mark Streit in the 9th round, 262nd overall. This one hurts, chipchura is what? 4th liner on the ducks now? Zajac is a bad motherfucker, Meszaros is fucking awesome, and mike green still cant play D though.

2003: Do we even want to talk about it? The Canadiens took Andrei Kostitsyn 10th overall. Still available: Jeff Carter, Dustin Brown, Brent Seabrook, Steve Bernier, Zach Parise, Eric Fehr, Ryan Getzlaf, Brent Burns, Ryan Kesler, Mike Richards and Corey Perry. In the second round the Canadiens took Corey Urquhart with Patrice Bergeron, Matt Carle and Shea Weber available. Then they took Maxim Lapierre one spot ahead of David Backes. Heartbreaking ... but the Canadiens got Ryan O'Byrne in the third and, with the 271st overall choice, Jaro Halak in the 9th round.

That just breaks your heart doesn't it?

2002: Christopher Higgins in the first round, 14th overall. No obvious first-round overlooks, but Cam Ward lasted till the 25th pick. Canadiens took Tomas Linhart in the second round ahead of Matt Stajan, Jiri Hudler, Johnny Boychuk and Tomas Fleischmann. Later rounds were a wash ... but maybe Konstantin Korneev will come over once he's 35 and washed-up.

2001: Mike Komisarek (seventh) and Alexander Prezhogin (25th) were chosen the first round. Komo went ahead of Tuomo Ruutu, Dan Hamhuis, Ales Hemsky and Colby Armstrong. I would have taken Ruutu or Hemsky, heck even armstrong considering that motherfucker knocks out a habs player everytime his team plays them and we dont need that. Perezhogin was picked with Derek Roy still available and all this fucker did was knock keith primeaus life out of order so he can fuck right off. But the Canadiens took Tomas Plekanec in the third round (71st overall). Thats a steal.

2000: Ron Hainsey (13th) and Marcel "The unimportant/Other" Hossa who is now the leading scorer in the KHL, goes to show the amazing talent that league has right? (16th) were the first-round picks. Still on the board: Brooks Orpik, Alexander Frolov, Brad Boyes, Steve Ott, Justin Williams and Niklas Kronwall. A wasted draft, but third-round pick Josef Balej was traded for Alex Kovalev. We could have certainly used Kronwall, Frolov certainly Orpik, maybe even Otter.

There you have it folks, if you have made it this far you probably scratched a hole in your scalp right? I too have a bald spot....not really but man my scalp is burning in annoyance. SO please, please please Gauthier, choose someone who is actually good right?

Until that, GO HABS GO, cant wait for next year to start already damn it.

Things that Stuck out to me last night from watching the game Twice as Montreal Beat Pittsburgh!

2011-09-19T02:24:00.000-07:00

Thursday, May 13, 2010 -While giving a presentation for one of my finals I kept thinking hockey, I’m presenting wearing my Canadiens Jersey (that Drew gave me) and after class I’m outside the cafeteria with Megan, Sugar, and JB and this other dude I never remember his name when some fat fucking ginger piece of shit in a Sucksby jersey walks up "you ready to lose? No more cups for Canada, we are going to dominate the fuck out of your Habs, they've been lucky Crosby and Malkin are just resting for the finals"
My quick retort - "eat a dick! And choke on it fatass, good luck now, last round some retard Caps fan came up and asked if we were ready to lose and we beat them, stew on that you fatass"

Megan looks at me grabs my leg slaps my knee "Humberto play nice"
Sugar just shrugs
JB asks me "like hockey a bit too much?"
Not enough JB, it’s never enough.

So please, Please Read ON=
Pre Game on RDS feed, in between French people talking=
Habs warm up, you hear some fat pens fan at glass talking shit over the glass to the Habs bench, and you hear a Habs player look over skate over and say "we're not ready to go home yet!" and skates away, sometimes when you are happy and relaxed in big stressful situations, makes it so much easier to pull a win no? YES!!

-FOR SOME REASON, I’m glad to see Gill play, the guy in the season is horrible, out of sync, too slow and has a horrible shot he should be banned from using, just ask Ryan Malone’s face, twice. But his defensive positioning is ridiculous.

-Pay notice, after whatever person scores the first goal and Cammalleri scores a goal not being the first or second or whatever, the Habs have won those games. Someone set up Cammy please; I’ll make it up to you I promise.

As the game is starting=

First Period

-My first thought was "hmmm, I hope the pens lose, they opened this Recently Overrated building (i say that because before Crosby filled the seats what did all pens fans bitch about? "oh we need a new arena, waaah this ones old" Suddenly they win the cup last year and oh look their hearts are breaking because the arena is closing? Suck it up) with the Habs and lost, and should close it most fittingly losing to the Habs right? Most FITTINGLY, that same season the Habs went on to win the Stanley Cup, hmmmm, lets do that math? Do you see a sign? I SEE ONE, and it makes the lights from Vegas look like your ugly girlfriend compared to someone hot

-Gionta has ridiculous Hand-Eye coordination, all season he's scored goals like that last night off the air batted in, if there is a stat for goals like that I bet you five dollars he leads the league. He's gifted, tiny and is willing to stand in front of the net to pay the price for those goals, his heart is so big, if you cut it, you could power 15 Hal Gill sized forwards, it could probably give Gill faster speed.

-Halak will now take over for Hasek in the "holy shit how is he stopping the pucks like that? But with actual skill and sound positioning not just "stop, drop, flop and roll" Hasek did so much until the Ducks exposed him and won the cup

-Pens fans are booing an Offside? And everyone says Habs fans complain all the time about every fucking thing.

-If Markov leaves Montreal someday due to death, illness or age. PK is our new Defenseman in that area, although he does have wandering legs more than Andrei, but whatever, I love PK.

-Crosby hits Gorges from behind, obvious cheap shot, and OH SHIT, did they just call a penalty? Yes they did, as he broods on the bench when they showed it, pan back to the ice, BOOM!!! Habs score! Instant Karma.

-Seriously, I know Glendale Arena has bad ice lately with all the new Zam drivers but is the ice that bad in the Pitt that the puck is just bouncing so badly or are the penguins nervous?

-Holy cow, Gill has 50 stitches on the back of his leg? Hold that phone!

-Lapierre and Orpik getting annoyed by each other, Orpik hounds Lapierre to the back of the net and proceeds to attack him, in short words, Orpik realizes he’s a defenseman and the puck is still there, comes around, HABS SCORE!!!!! Then you see Lapierre staring at Orpik and laughing at him. I love Orpik he’s one of my favorites I wish he was a Canadien, I’d then forgive him for being a penguin, but that was fucking unworldly hilarious.

-Dominic Moore is making a very awesome habit of scoring the second goal of the game 7s the teams played in, I’m officially glad he’s on the team now.

-That Halak rush had me screaming "NO OH MY GOD DONT PULL A CHRIS OSGOOD IN 1994” Then I remembered who I was yelling at and said "nah Jaro's got it"

-Period ending...HOT DAMN, I’ll take 40 more CCs of that period

Running around my house nervously and running back to see a second of coaches corner because I heard Don Cherry talking about someone else’s nice ties which is rare he only gloats about his own ties, which I admit I like some of them but it would be Ghetto Fabulous on me, but pimpin none the less. Anyway he pointed out that they wore the same ties they both wore in game 7 vs. the caps.... I gotta feelin...that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonights gonna be a good good naaaaaaaight

-I shouldn’t have left my room, immediately my phone rings and my brother and mom are asking me to please go to Tempe and help them get him moved out of his dorm. A very angry Humberto says “FINE but I won’t help, I’ll be too busy watching the game on your laptop” We have ourselves a deal, Driving ensues.

*-I missed from 17 left in the second period till 3 minutes into the third having to drive to Tempe to help my brother move out of his dorm, in the elevator with Tanner and Drew and my super hot girlfriend giving me updates on shots, goals, score, time, period, and hits and everything else, I get a text from Tanner and Drew and my super hot girlfriend...."Cammalleri scores"

I proceed to run out of the elevator and run down the hallway screaming, "YES CAMMY SCORED, YES EVERYTIME CAMMALLERI SCORES WE WIN THAT GAME, ITS OVER FUCK YOU SHITTSBURGH FUCK YOUR FAT GINGER FAN FROM EARLIER TODAY AT GCC, YES YES GO HABS GO" - My brother turns to his DA who stormed outside like the short bitch that she is and acts like as well, he interrupts her before she opens her retarded ass mouth "its the playoffs” she goes back inside her smelly dorm. ***

-Watching the replay I saw something that Andrei Kostitsyn has done all year in Martin's system, back check, poke check, body check and check that time on the clock, I wonder if he has a checking account now? Looks like someone has blossomed finally.

I run into his room open his Mac book and proceed to watch the game again in very VERY loud volumes...
Proceed to write what I watched after the game because I originally missed this but here you go again

-With that goal, Cammalleri earns his pay cheque for the entire 2010-11 season, I loved this guy from his days in LA, I was baffled when he ended up in Calgary and even more baffled when Sutter proceeded to tell the media that "Olli "rapeface" Jokinen is a much better and talented forward than Cammalleri is so we don’t mind him leaving the team" and everyone saying he was overrated because he played with Iginla.
Stew on that Darryl. How's that Jokinen trade looking now?

- Somewhere in this time frame, Fleury getting the hook, smashing his stick in the tunnel, I wonder if he cursed in French or English, makes me wonder also how big his mouth is to hide those huge horse teeth he had implanted, I fail to see how Jessjess and Kamal find this motherfucker attractive, Tommy and Taylor Pyatt are good looking kids, Fleury is just overrated as much as Fuhr and it showed today.

-Gonchar trying to play against Moen as if he would be a bull matador, I guess Moen is the Bull, OLE motherfucker, OfuckingLE

-When the puck is in the corner or in front of the net, Moen is like a three year old with the strength of Chara sometimes, he's too stubborn, he wants the puck, he’s angry someone has the puck, they must be hit to get that puck. I loved watching Moen play in Anaheim I’m so glad Gainey signed him since day one, and its been paying off all year, we should add another 0 to his cheque.

- Boring Bob Cole says the pens are trying to change their luck, how about change your work ethic?

-Referee scores off Kunitz's shot. How fitting.

- Gorgeous Josh Gorges deserves his own row on that team bus, in that cool kid section too. I dare someone to say it to my face he doesn't.

- Staal is a beast, but I wondered if we had a Habs player would be Matt Cooke'd enough to two hand his foot, I like Andrew Kostitsyn but I was hoping they went ahead and fired off that trade for Staal last year, that would have worked great. This kid truly is the shit. Remember pens fans, he is your Ron Francis, treat him nicely, Ronny was the man, and still is.

- WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT PENALTY AGAINST GORGES? Oh I forgot the Leagues darling team needs a goal.

Third Period, even the second time I watched this game I was nervous for that third, AND I KNEW THE OUTCOME AT THE TIME TOO!!!

- That penalty kill, is more glorious than those two girls who flashed me at 4am at the shell gas station back in November.

- Tomas Plekanec has slapped, spanked and made Crosby his personal bitch in the faceoff circle the entire series, and suddenly this entire game since the start of the game he keeps getting booted from the circle even when he’s just standing there with his mouth closed, NAAAHHHHH there is no conspiracy at all is there? I mean in 2008 there was that referee who came out and said that during the finals Bettman visited them in their locker room and told them to make the calls the way of the penguins to help them possibly win that cup. NO, no conspiracy at all.

- Whoever said Brian Gionta is overpaid should eat a dick, and be put to whore themselves as a collective and panhandle as well to give him a bonus this summer for that ridiculous fucking goal.

- HALAK!!!!!! Good god man.

- The English feed the second time has boring ass Bob Cole sounding so sad and disappointed the Canadiens winning the game, of course bob is not a leaf fan.

- The most satisfying thing I have ever seen just happened, I never knew that was possible. 4 Minutes left and they show Bob Gainey chillin watching the game with a smile, I haven't seen him smile since before his daughter died, god bless her soul.

- Still watching Bob, holy shit, is that Shero congratulating him? Shero is one classy guy! I guess he already knows what’s up. Yeah, Shero, what’s up :-)

- I love this team, I think my super hot girlfriend has a new rival but its no threat, I’ll take her over them any day of the weak, that is not during a game or a playoff game, especially a playoff game.

-I can't stop shaking, I feel emotionally drained, this team has been my frustration and joy during the season and I wonder now if having my first child will be as satisfying and happy and fulfilling as watching them play... LETS GO KIDS, you got big shoes to fill.

-This has been the most amazing time of my life watching them play in my hockey universe.

-PK and Moore look at each other all-serious, smile and do a chest bump to celebrate the victory.

-Are those tears on Crosby's face? I can't tell I’m too distracted yelling "GO HABS GO, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON HIS FACE?" Apparently that was a beard

After game interviews

-Gill has the biggest smile on his face and saying "Winning is fun!" I think he forgot about the 50 stitches on his left calf.

Yeah Hal, I forgive you now, WINNING IS FUN even from a fans standpoint.

*Side note
- Travis Moen is not the best at skating with the puck I’ve seen him get lost and then look back to see if he left it behind himself one time too. His penalty kill was killer, and Blowing by Gonchar (your everyday forward playing defense and not knowing how to skate backwards) who was just staring at him ALA Alfredsson on Pominville back when Buffalo threw out the Sens.

-He also hit everything he could, if the boards had sticks painted on them I wonder if he would run them too? Nobody earned their goal more than him in that play, he would not be denied.

*Back to interviews

- Crosby looking depressed, like he should, looking down and something he said caught my anger, which flared up for 3 seconds more on that later. It’s not full quote because I can’t remember all the gibberish he said
"Yeah we could have won the game, I knew we had the chance all along even if they had that score, but the penalty calls didn’t go our way"

Well your fucking chance is over you cocky son of a bitch, you failed this series and so did Malkin and now you want to brag that you have the skill to come back quickly and win with 5 minutes left? That’s why you failed, your work ethic sucked and your personality obviously blew.

-Bye Penguins, it was a damn good series to say the least.

And please, don’t just tell me Halak is the sole purpose the penguins lost, you can take 52 shots from anywhere in the rink that hit the goalie and count as a shot, but are they quality shots? No, definitely not, I’ll say about 15 might be good quality ones.

The Montreal Canadiens didn’t take many shots, but the ones they took, definitely counted.

I woke up today and saw that ESPN, TSN, The Hockey News, and forum boards of fans already claiming "yeah the Canadiens won but they wont win against either the flyers or the Bruins"

I'm now smiling brightly, because every time they fucking say that, hey check it out!!!!

From the bottom of my heart in unison with many Montreal Canadiens fans I say, GO HABS GO.

But if you're a new Habs fan in the last 24 hours, go to hell. We don't want you.

Ten Things You Should Probably Already Know By Now, If not? Read On

2011-09-19T02:22:00.002-07:00

1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow, and what bothers you today, won't be there tomorrow unless you bring it up, right snappy?

Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out.

And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning, you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem do you? So why bother right? Remember the next day is a new day, and if that person that has that problem with you from the day before sees you? Let them have that ass tasting face on them not you. Simply smile, maybe wave or do what i do, wink and blow them a kiss. Living well is the best revenge.

2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, not just comedians, or me at work, so you can too

Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT, because, hey, women fake orgasms why cant you? And trust me, you think your old lady's O's are all real? Look at her facial expression, stare at her eyes when it happens, are her pupils dialated? if theyre not? theyre faking. Science proves that when youre around the person you love or like a lot, and or having sex at climax point your pupils dialate extremely. So go on, do your thing, i'm not gonna hate you for it.

Hell yeah! Fat, unemployed life-coach? A freaking Dog walker? You're so fat or lazy as hell you cannot walk your own fucking dog, time to give it up, but Why not? I mean, people pay other people to dress condos and apartments with furniture so they sell and then take the furniture away, you can hustle anything with anyone.
Choose your path, and then Act As If You’re Wearing A Cape. Dork out like i do.

3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about yourself, yeah, you're all selfish, probably.

Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now. But I bet you are. No one cares that you got that fancy tattoo, and if they do, they let it go after three minutes, they say a goldfish memory is 2 minutes, blondes aren't the only gold fish, we all are.

4. It’s OK to piss people off, you're gonna get pissed off by them too, TRUST ME

But if you’re pissing everybody off, all the time, it’s time to stop being a dick. Ok asshole? Just remember, hockey players have a long memory even with our concussions. Chances are other people will get you back eventually unless we decide to let it go, if we do? Hey lucky you we forgave and probably forgot.

5. Aspiration is for suckers

How about getting off your ass and doing up that kick ass painting you've been "working" on for years? Everyone thinks they're artists now because they can doodle right? Wrong, i know i suck, and when i draw, i do it for this, shits and giggles and then can it. Also, wearing those skinny jeans doesnt make you an artist. Just lets everyone know you have skinny legs and its not something i wanna see. I wanted to be a hockey player, wether in beer league or the NHL, i now play in beer league i'm living the dream, i dont care if i get paid or pay for it.

6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time

So lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.

We men lie about our alcohol consumption all the time. You women lie about how much you spend, and most women lie about their alcohol consumption too, how much wine have you had bleached blonde mother of two?

When i was a teenager i had three shots and said i had five so i didnt have to drink more. Now when i say i had 12 shots i mean 13, bakers dozen is a dozen to us culinary kids huh? ;-)

It doesn’t mean we don’t love you it just means we enjoy being buzzed sometimes, show me a woman who says she hates booze and i'll show you one who breathes it, same with men.

7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves, ie you stopped being a negative retard.

You can go from being the loneliest negative black hole cancerific human being in the world one day, and the next day you can be good, whats up with that? no you're not bipolar trust me, well some of you are but thats if you do that in the same hour. You're just happier because you feel things are going better or something happened to you that changed your bad mood to be happier, might have gotten a job, might have gotten a hot girl at your side, or a guy, but something happened that made you say "wow, i am blessed after all"

8. Your family comes first, but not to the detriment of everything else

You want to go out with the girls? Tell your husband to make his own dinner. And gents, you don’t need permission for that once-a-year trip to Vegas, you just need to communicate it properly. Say whats up, and know whats up, just don't be an insecure or a jealous prick, i know jealousy is a trait we all have, some more than others, but remember this, if he or she is obsessed with your chudd ass and wants to stay with you, chances are, she wont leave you for that gay male/retard female stripper who just wants your 20 dollar bills. If your little sister needs a ride and you have this hot girl with you? Nothing impresses the ladies than showing that you care about family, drag her ass along, if she doesnt like it, boot her out shes not worth it because they'll want you to ditch your family or not invite them to the wedding if there is one. Same thing for guys, they'll do the same. If they like your parents, you should realize that means they made an effort just for you. But if you have a job interview and your family prefers you not go and you like money? Your family wont stop loving you unless your parents are retarded.

9. You’re wrong as often as you’re right, trust me

About the same thing you think youre talking about is correct the next you say is gonna be wrong. I can talk about hockey gloves and gear all day, but theres always something new i dont know about, crazy huh? thats why you read and talk to people who might know something you dont, i pick your brain for a reason, dont feel insulted thats not your only purpose.

10. Men should never wear wigs
you're bald? shave your head, fuck it, youre gonna get sunburned anyway right? so buy some aloe vera and sunblock, you wouldnt believe how soothing aloe vera is on burnt skin. But a toupee? seriously man thats just not right. unless you're in theatre. And PS if youre gay and or cross dressing, you wouldnt believe how jealous women are of mens hair, because my hair is full, it flows (see hockey pics) and its thick, most of theirs is not. Bizarre? I KNOW

The 2010 NHL Dubious Awards

2011-09-19T02:22:00.001-07:00

These Awards can only be given to the players who Play a minimum of 30 games to a full 82 Take in Mind, some switch many teams in a season like Bochenski has in years past but thats not always.

The Duke Lion Fightin' Stance Award:

2010 Recipient: Zenon Konopka. He fought the most this season and went out of his way to fuck with people, that fatass boogaard might be bigger but he cant even handle Parros and Lacrappe.

Honourable Mention: George Parros, Respect the Stache

The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:

Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.

2010 Recipient: Jeff Deslauriers

The Darcy Tucker Award:

Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals during a contract year in an effort to secure a big payday.

2010 Recipient: Patrick Marleau, we know you're a good player Patty, but come on, you got your captaincy taken away for a reason, no postseason=no big raise. Lookin at you Big Joe

The Steve Downie Trophy:

Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest piece of shit by both players and fans.

2010 Recipient: Steve Downie, for his strong play helping the Stamkos line get some sweet goals and Stamkos get that sweet Richard Trophy but still only contributing flying cheap shots and randomly kicking other players.

The Harold Ballard Award:

Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable damage to his team by shortsighted transactions.

2010 Recipient: Jerry Moyes, using the money he was earning through his ownership of the Coyotes to bail out his trucking company named Swift, because it was going out of business until wal mart asked him to pair up with him after so much ass kissing. Then Reporting the money he took from the teams earnings and reporting it as a loss further causing TSN retards like Lansberg to bitch and whine and moan to other canadians that "theyre losing money bring em back to winnipeg where they couldnt fill up the arena and also lost money too" bitter bitter pitter patter.

The Kevin Lowe Award

Awarded to the GM who best Exemplifies the ability to "throw a grenade at 30 other teams by doing something stupid with a contract or a trade"

2010 Recipient: Is a Tie for the year only because Brian Burke, got rid of retards, but he did also get rid of his 1st round picks for kessel. So that puts him on here, but the main recipient of the award is Brian Lawton, just for being a mediocre 1st round pick himself and failing at NHL and then management. But Burke at least is trying to fix something.

The Tom McVie Award:

Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most dysfunctional on-ice product.

2010 Recipient: Rick Tocchet (ed. note; Tocchet was fired, further solidifying his nomination)

The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:

The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known. Usually awarded to the player with the most attempt to injures, attempted murders, and sucker punches. (Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and Marty McSorely.)

2010 Recipient: Matt Cooke, twice once for the Savard hit, and second for being punked like a bitch by Evander "Holyfield" Kane

The Chris Chelios Award:

Pretty self explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player. (There should be no surprise here, once again.)

2010 Recipient: Chris Chelios, originally gonna be given to ole horseface Brind'amour but Cheliold came back.

Honorable Mentions: Keith Tkachuk a whopping age 38, announcing his retirement a few days ago, Rod Brind'amour (39), and the very old (39) but still in quiet beast mode Nik Lidstrom

The Mike Ricci Trophy:

Given to a player with the best mop on his head.

2010 Recipient: Scott Hartnell, Sean Avery got it right, he does look like a clown with that hair.

The 'Tart' Ross Trophy:

Given to the Player who plays a minimum of 30 games and his dubious scoring antics. Previous recipients include Matthew Spiller, Half the coyotes team for since 2003.

2010 Recipient: Craig Adams hands down, 0 G, 10 A, in 82 games

Honourable Mention: Sean Donovan 2G 3A 5pts -4

The Slack Adams Award:

Given to the coach who is basically a cancer to his team and bench.

2010 Recipient: John Tortorella, i would have given it to Tocchet but i lost a bet today.

The NOrris Throphy:

Given to the defenseman who is not just mediocre, but sucks plain out, and i dont mean "Mike Green at Defense" Sucks, i mean he cant hit the net or block a shot-sucks.

2010 Recipient: Matt Smaby 33GP 0G 2A -4

The Lesswegetlessweseelessisbetterofyou Patrick Trophy:

Given to the person in hockey with the least outstanding service to the game, meaning you're basically in the news and its nothing positive because youre an asshole or selfish prick.

2010 Recipient: Wayne Gretzky, because he was enjoying his Diamondbacks Seats the night the team was holding training camp and everyone was standing around going "wheres the coach?"

Too Much Plus/Minus Award:

Given to the player with the worst +/- possible:

2010 Recipient: Patrick O'sullivan really deserves this one but he doesnt. Rod Brind'amour really REALLY REALLY earned this one, going from a good or great centre to playing 80 games this season and being -29, how the mighty have fallen.

Honourable Mention:Ed Jovanovski, not only is he failing at making 4 million a year with a no trade clause, he was voted to an all star game when he shoots the puck on the power play which is baffling that he's on it, but misses the net and sometimes i've seen it happen, a coyote player will gather the puck quickly and put it in the net, and the dumbass announcers praising jovo on his smart "miss the net" play. Horrible plus/minus for an "all star"

The Silver Bullet Award:

Given to the player with the worst goal output possible for someone who once had so much potential, kinda like Nic Antroslob used to for the leafs for almost ten years before starting to actually play two years ago. Excluded from being listed are players whos seasons ended from injury.

2010 Recipient: Matt D'Agostini 47gp 2g 2a 4pts -15

The Credit Union Award:

To the NHL player not voted fan favorite for his irrelevance to the league and team itself:

2010 Recipient: by shark fans demand, Alex Semenov

The Steve McKenna Award:

Given to the worst captain in the League currently. Has to wear the C on his chest a minimum of 30 games barred from Injury, his support in play and lack of anything counts.

2010 Recipient: Bryan McCabe, we have seen him do nothing since that one sparkful season he had in Toronto and he's so quiet no one even notices he wears the C for florida, reminiscent of his captaincy in the Island back in the 90s. Tied with him would be Luongo for his constant bitching.

The Tyson Nash for Captain Award:

2010 Recipient: its a Tie between Hal Gill/ Colby Armstrong, both players are mediocre, one is slow the other one thinks elbows count for shoulders in hits, one is retarded with the puck, the other one wouldnt know what it was unless it hit him during a game in the corners where he's going to throw an illegal elbow.

The Holyfield Award

Given to the player who best exemplifies the "GOD DAMN" Effect on everyone, with a one punch knockout of a bitch player. Previous recipients include that fatbastard Boogaard for his punch on the small Fedoruk, and Colton Orr for his punch on Fedoruk, Tahir Domi for his Punch on Ulf Faguelsson, and Keith Primeau for his punch on that horrible player named Jovanovski. if i was alive 60 years ago, Maurice Richard for his punch on that retard from the rangers who recently was played by Sean Avery in the movie, which was great to see Avery knocked out twice. And Matt Walker for Knocking the fuck out of Jovanovski that had me saying "YES I HOPE IT ENDED HIS CAREER LIKE BEUKEBOOM" but it didnt

2010 Recipient: Evander Kane, shows us whats up by knocking out that little bitch Matt Cooke, the originator who would have won the award was going to be Colton Orr for his mass ass Knockouts but he demanded we give it to the kid named after Holyfield.

The Olympic Closing Ceremonies and everything else -2010 Edition

2011-09-19T02:17:00.000-07:00

First, i didnt watch em, i had NOOOOO interest in watching them I was so FREAKING BORED watching the opening that i learned my lesson, note to Canada, Gretzky broke the Phoenix Coyotes, and now he also broke the Olympic Torch too, i'm sensing a trend here, congratulations to canada, you guys pulled off a win in a great dramatic manner after i'm sure so many of you were having a heart attack (thank you Parise, you the man!)

But one thing all of you canadians cant say is

YOU DID NOT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE USA, because you tried holding a one goal lead for half a game and had it not been for Ryan Millers AmazingAMAZING play, you know what the outcome would have been, because remember a week ago all your fuss about that loss to the USA? you remember where the States actually spanked your team?

Yeah, anyway, so no one can say canada came out and beat the fuck out of Team USA because you didnt, it was a hard game, and a great game as well.

Another thing, for those of you unaware who Ryan Miller is? Hes a fucking amazing goalie, started with the Sabres came from college hockey, at 12 years old he was announced as the future starting goalie for the college all the millers have attended, hes the older brother of Drew Miller, now a red wing, and the main reason why the sabres were great on his rookie season in 05-06 taking that battered team to within a goal of the stanley cup finals, and 06-07 within a game of the finals again, drury and Briere helped but if it wasnt for Miller, the sabres wouldnt have made the playoffs altogether, and showcases it like this taking a less talented team USA to the gold medal game, theres a reason hes the tournament MVP. Especially considering that all the media immediately wrote off team USA saying that "oh look, team USA doesnt have the depth or the talent other teams like the finns, swedes, russians and especially canada to actually even get past the PreLim rounds"
well fuck you TSN, and The Hockey News, and everyone else who said otherwise, never underestimate the hard work of players wantin to make their country proud and wanting to get things going because theyre hard working and dont give up (cough you listening finland? and you too kiprusuck?)

I mean he got pulled on friday so he could get some rest and they put in Tim "Scrabble" Thomas and look out, Scrabble let in the lone goal against for the USA.

*Sidney Crosby is not God, but he's obviously born under a lucky star of some kind.
Things happen to ensure he's surrounded by a golden light at all times. It's almost freaky.
In a creepy manner, congrats to him, hes a damn good player even if i dislike him, i still see him and what he does.*

*Never underestimate the hard work of a player who isnt considered a huge star, Mark Streit i miss you in Montreal, you are one hard working guy, everytime i saw the swiss start a breakout, and had someone break up an offensive play by the opposing team and get the puck out of the zone safely? who was it? Mark Streit, amazing. He would compliment Plekanec since thats exactly what Plecs does every game now.

*Russia....tsk tsk tsk, goes to show that having so much offensive talent means nothing, Markov clearly was hurt and couldnt buckle down the defense and that clearly hurt them but maybe they should have had more better defensemen, Daniil Markov would have been great playing alongside him, and not having a defensive liability with no one to cover for his ass (gonchar i'm looking at you) goes to show that one man cant be superman.

*Kipper you are embarrassing. I feel terrible for Flames fans.

*Nabokov you're not even from russian, go away nabenchkov, Bryz, you are awesome!

*Brodeur, hes up there in years but is still a great goalie, but roasting him for the loss to the USA (hehehe) is terrible, Dear Canada, remember 2002?

*Last but not least, JAROSLAV HALAK, holy hell, did someone stand on their head almost as heroically as Miller? i think not unless we throw your name in the mix, dude did great, i love carey price but this guy is the real deal. And world? you just saw what i meant. Chara helped but chara noticeably got walked around a lot.

Anyway, after the game i went to a park for a walk, and i was there with a friend we (well I) started getting texts from other people who watched the game but werent really hockey fans and now "were much more interested" in the sport

all their texts went like this to sum it up i went ahead and edited their "short" words and other stupid comments, so as to protect their identities of stupidity. Yet kept it dumbed down so if you read this, you know who you were ;-)

1. Dude that was fucking amazing of a game, sucks the USA didnt win but god damn you weren't kidding that today was a triumphant day for hockey.

2. Jack, dude for reals, i so wanna go to some games with you now its so fucking cool i'm definately in now.
few hours later, gotta remember i was at the park for a long time. And then went home eventually but before i fell asleep these were more texts.

3. dude what the fuck is going on with the closing ceremony?

'excuse me? what closing...oh wait are they doing that already? how long have we been in the park?'

4. dude oh my god fucking nickelback? jesus christ

5. some girl is singing out of key, she won this canadian idol thingie, wait...they had american idol labeled as canadian idol?

6. HAH THEY CANCELLED IT
'dude fuck american idol too'
''fuck you man''
'fag'

7. Sweet Avril, man shes lookin good
'thats right baby, and shes single again'

8. whats with all the little kids fucking up the canadian anthem?

9. dude fuck hockey this is ass to watch
"dude i told you not to pay attention to milbury and olcyck"

10. fuck hockey
"fuck you bitch!"

11. Sochi is in Russia?
*snoring*

they went from wanting to see hockey to hating it again, apparently the closing ceremonies has an impact on the dimwitted buffons some can be.

So congrats to team Canada Hockey team, you guys did great and beat the curse of the Swiss Kryptonite which was great on its own.

But dont forget, this game wasnt revenge from a preliminary game, mkay? thanks.

All in all in closing, the Medal counts for this olympic year go as follow, cheers.

Gold Silver Bronze Total
1. United States 9 15 13 37
2. Germany 10 13 7 30
3. Canada 14 7 5 26

Now back to your regular scheduled program, GO HABS GO, finally some actual hockey i've missed

Did anyone else miss fighting in hockey? I love fighting in hockey but dont care if it happens or not, did you even notice from the up tempo play that it was missing? Pretty cool huh?

To Quote an Ex-Friend

2011-09-19T02:16:00.000-07:00

"All I know (from experience) is that it's hard, and it hurts when somebody doesn't love you back. But it's better that way. If somebody loves you, they love you, end of discussion -- and no, you don't have to fight for it, or prove yourself to them, or argue your way into it. You should be happy. Love is supposed to make you feel happy, and not trapped, not hurt, not angry." G.E. Thursday, November 15, 2007

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, The Ipod Version

2011-09-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

Ok so Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is pretty fucking awesome, its got hot women, gorgeous lips, beautiful eyes, if she wore glasses i'd be in love. Yes Miss Fox i'm talking about you.

But theres a problem, Transformers Dubbed in Spanish. Ah yes, the living at the moment in another country you get two choices in original language with subtitles (wasn't available at the Forum) and overdubbed in spanish.

Naturalmente! Lo Que Escogemos a Veer!

Well since i've seen it already, Thank you Roo! Thats pretty rockin of you! and since nothing is ever translated correctly to another language such as spanish.

I decided "well screw it i know everything they say by memory and can read lips so lets go try and see if itunes is the soundtrack to your life" So i put my ipod on shuffle while waiting for the movie to start and from the first song where you begin everything, at that little kid fishing.

AND HERE IS HOW IT WENT! as to not give away too much of the movie for you losers who haven't seen it eh?

Intro *all the gadget transforming noises and the huge warping sound thats very deep and bassy: Standup by A Static Lullaby

Continuing of the intro: Inward Singing by Tenacious D

Speed up to the part where its Sam packing it up to leave and talks to Bumblebee: very aptly Tune Out by the Format a song about listening to the radio.

Go to the part where he speaks to Mikaela on the phone about leaving you know, the booty part : My Girl covered by Incubus

The part where pretty much everything goes to hell with that little piece of fragment spark: Make a Move by Lostprophets

The College Part with the parents split into different songs of hilarity: Lost In Time by Throwdown

and "you now work for me": Squeeze it in by Country Club & the Porn Horns

The Part about hacking and putting all the hot girls in their dorm floor Jetsetter by Morningwood

The Pointing out of the really hot girl who sports DAT ASS that anyone would love to fucking nail that turned out to be a pretty mean robot that you'd still tap if she went back to normal human form: Stumbleine by Smashing Pumpkins

Wheelie makes his attempt to get the all spark shard from the girl, big scary mastiff dog doesnt do shit: Spring Again by Lanae' Hale

Hot Robot Girl kissing sam: Keep it Greasy so it Goes Down Easy by Frank Zappa

That robot going apeshit and destroying a school and then getting destroyed by a jealous hot girlfriend: It Ends in Tears by Destroy the Runner

Optimus asking Sam that he needs his help and only his help : This is a Mans World by James Brown

Ravage attacks the base for the second spark piece: Burn by Throwdown

Decepticons Mobilize: The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley

Megatron Being Revived: Nemesis by Craddle of Filth to quote "TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!!!!"

Megatron Returns to his master: Human Masses Marching Forward by Zao

Random queer from congress trying to shut down the transformers program because apparently the united states goverment is in charge of earth: Thompson Girl by the Tragically Hip

Autobots are told to Roll Out for a battle: Twisted Logic by Coldplay

Megatron defeats Optimus Prime: Resistance by Zao

Optimus' Death rattles everyone: Dark as a Dungeon by Johnny Cash

The Two ghetto robots talking smack to that hispanic guy whos suddenly part of the cool crew of humans and robots: Idiot Box by Incubus

Sam finally accepts that hes the chosen one for saving optimus and helping turn the battle for the favor of the Autobots and wants to roll out and find one of the primes: Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode

They find the agent from the first movie and he helps them Find the prime plane and wake it up and hes pissed: Let Me Go by Rancid

The little italian decepticon Wheelie swears allegiance to the goddess Mikaela while humping her leg: Sit on my Face by the Dwarves

the Prime takes them to Egypt then off to the Pyramids: Into Oblivion (Reunion) by Funeral for a Friend

Sam is afraid of commitment and changes subject to directions: you Could Be Loved by Bob marley

They Find the Matrix and it falls apart: Stupid Thing by Aimee Mann

They flag NEST to make a drop off of Optimus and the other transformers in Egypt by the pyramids: Between Angels and Insects by Papa Roach

Cop Chase in the city: Inner City Blues (Make me wanna Holler) by Marvin Gaye

Optimus and Marines are Dropped Off and Battle is about to start: Attitude by Alient Ant Farm

Devastator!!!!: Selma by Remembering Never

Sam Meets with his parents and separates: Love by Day of Fire

Sam gets knocked the fuck out in a murder attempt by Megajerk: Killing me Softly with His Song by the Fugees

Mikaela Tells Sam she loves him and wants him to come back to her: All we ever Needed by The Early November

The Part about the primes keeping a watch over Sam for years now: Ten long years by BB King and Eric Clapton

Sam Wakes up and inserts the Matrix into Prime's spark: Waking Up by Funeral for a Friend

Prime whups ass, devastator is hurt by a long range weapon, Sam and Mikaela kiss:Chapter Four by Avenged Sevenfold

End Film Roll Credits: Midwestern Stlyings by Glassjaw

There You Go!

My Nicknames

2011-09-19T02:09:00.000-07:00

i've had random people give me so many nicknames i dont even know anymore,
lets see the three i still get called and go by are
Jack (if you know me from 2001 you can call me that, we also like to call it my second mask, when i'm all business and asshole-ish)
Berto (everyone goes for that one)
Beto (family only)

as follows are the ones people sometimes call me that,

Big Bird (joey and some of my old neighborhood friends at 16 i was already like 5'11 and everyone else was still like shorter)
Bert (i used to hang with this guy named Ernie in senior year)
Big Bert (something to do with being big and the whole todd bertuzzi thing)
Bird (read big bird)
Bart (no idea why but it lasted two punches)
Hummer (some polar ice employee)
Haliburto (jewish guy couldnt spell thought i was named after a fish [halibut])
Hal (same guy)
Halo 3 (ask aaron)

i will add more when i remember them

Papa Titus, Life Lessons from Watching Titus

2011-09-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

ON BEING A MAN:
"Don't be a wussy!"

ON MARRIAGE:
"Do you know why divorces cost so much...because it's worth it!"

ON TEACHING HIS KIDS:
5 year old Christopher: "I'm afraid of the dark."

Ken: "There's no reason to be afraid."

Ken turns off the lights and shuts the door, counts to three, burst into the dark room and shouts "Arrggghhhhhh!!!" He turns the lights back on.....

Ken says to Christopher: "See, there's no monster."

Christopher says: "Now I'm afraid of you, dad."

Ken says: "Well, that's healthy."

Then Ken turns out the lights and leaves...

ON FIGHTING IN SCHOOL:
"Always go for the eyes, and the best finger position for the hand is the “Eagle Claw”.

ON FEAR:
"You know that bedtime prayer, "If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!"

AS A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER:
Addressing an all-male audience: Gentlemen, you need to access your personal power. Look within you.
Now, say “dinner’s not ready?”…all together now…

Now, say "Get the hell out, bitch!"

the 25th stuff of stuff, No Christmas relations in this one...yet

2011-09-19T02:00:00.000-07:00

This blog was created on 2-3-09

1. Every Cd I have, or movie used to be kept in alphabetical order but I re organized them on my new house by most important, the bottom stack on the shelf is the most important, and the one on top of the dvds is the least. The same with my CD's which the most important such as We are the Romans by Botch and Sundowning by This is Hell and all my Lostprophets stuff, are kept in my bin by my bed, the rest are on a huge three stack bin somewhere in the new house. But it doesnt matter, all my music is on my macbook, All 7673 songs.

2. I absolutely love playing videogames but only with two people, Aaron and Andrew in my presence, everyone else can fuck right off, hanging out with Aaron and Andrew is like my only way to relieve stress, whether it’s playing video games or watching them and talking or just chilling out. and yes We do Play Halo 3 son, thats pretty much the staple for me and Aaron fun! Take into consideration that i have an Xbox360 and hardly play it.

3. I have had a few relationships that just bust me up and suck majourly. Not bitter, but at one point i could say i had a bitter taste in my mouth that lasted weeks, if not months. I have been cheated on, and at one point two girls thought they could get away with randomly hitting me. I wouldn't hurt a woman physicall or intentionally hurt their feelings and sometimes i wish they were men so i could show them who is more violent when incited, gladly i keep my anger in check. Because of all of this, i always gladly say no to hispanic women, and especially catholics, they cheat they lie and think everything is ok because eating a cookie every sunday makes life better. No thank you.

4. I have busted my everything to get into ASU main campus and now that i'm in, the next person that tries to tell me I have to leave should come at me wearing armour, I am not kidding. I did not have to be out of school for 1 whole year dying inside wanting my education to suddenly be turned away, no thanks!

5. I couldn’t care or believe in this karma stuff, what goes around comes around? Please my life is a fucking tragic comedy story where I get screwed over by women and men almost as much so bad that it makes my friends believe that i’m pretty much here on earth to take mans punishment so everyone can be happy while I suffer. And I swear by all my might the next person that tells me “everything happens for a reason” will be on the receiving end of this tirade I will hang up the phone, I will simply stare at you as the end of our convo and just walk away from your dumbassery, or if you’re a guy I will have to fight the urge to not fucking clock you on the temple, because god forbid, since everything happens for a reason? My reason to punch you was you annoyed me with your irrelevant bullshit. Why? Because if I did really believe in this like I used to? I AM OVERDUE!!! And you know it

6. I absolutely love Scrubs! I love it so much I used to break into song and dance of shit that Turk did, same thing with stuff from my Name is Earl, the only place where this karma bullshit belongs, on fake stories. I absolutely love that 70s show as well, Red Forman has been a man I look up to since I was 12 and first saw that show.

7. People generally think I’m an angry person, and that kind of bothers me, because I try to do what I can to make everyone be happy and show that i’m just a normal guy, but apparently the way my eyebrows stand on my face makes it look like i’m frowning ha-ha, oh well, if you dislike my sense of humor that’s your loss. Because honestly when my humor is on? You will laugh and have to wipe off tears.

8. I absolutely love that i play hockey, nothing speaks cool to me than grabbing the puck in my zone and taking off up ice and setting someone up with my awesome passes, or going top shelf, i have a wicked wrist shot and i know how to use it. I am an absolute hockey nut; if you didn’t know that then you seriously cannot call yourself my friend. I play, I watch, i’m obsessed with the sport, I dream more about playing or watching hockey than most guys dream about sex, granted sex is one of my favorite things but to me that’s a job, not a hobby, but it is a job that I simply adore, to touch and please a woman? Yowza!

9. I jumped from kinder to 3rd grade, how’d I achieve that? I simply moved from Mexico a country that is amazing in their education, to this country, a country that rather focuses on shitty football nfl games where you watch guys in tight pants grab ass and slap each other’s ass and play the ball literally for only 16 minutes on the clock, trust me I took a stop watch to a game.

10. I learned to fully speak English in 1995, by then it was a secret well kept until I was asked to give a speech, that made everyone freak out, because A. I don’t have a Mexican accent and since I learned English watching British TV and Canadian TV and PBS, I had a British accent for about half a year. B. the more I developed into this culture I watched my accent go from British to a surfer dude, ala Cody from step by step, at the time my hero because he played guitar loud and rockin, and blew shit up for work and lived in a van how awesome could that get? My first month in Arizona in third grade I won a spelling bee, and I didn’t know English past the words cheeseburger and hello and hi. And I beat out everyone else. What does that say about my genius? A lot doesn’t it? So don’t question me.

11. I love listening to songs that are about things in life, sometimes theres song s that i know can sound stereotypical but yes i can feel i connect with those songs, only because at the point in my life i head them i pretty much did just that. Almost every Lostprophets song has had that effect on me. But yes i can also listen to something so random and stupid people just shake their heads at me.

12. I love to argue, and I argue so many things I know so much that it surprises people how knowledgeable I am for a guy who comes off as a dumb hockey fan. Trust me, nothing is more annoying than talking to people who just wanna argue but don’t know shit or can’t back up their so called facts.

13. I am scared of heights and snakes. But if you tell me to jump up a ladder and do something, all I need is someone nearby in case I fall, because I will always no questions asked jump up that ladder and do it happily. Snakes? You can fuck right off with that shit. If it wasn’t for my mum grabbing me and yanking me off the wall and rock I was sitting on, a coral snake would have pretty much bitten my leg and nooooo thank you for that experience again.

14. My hockey sticks are about the most personal things I hold, they are the dear life to my shot and my ways I do my work on the ice. They’re about as personal to a player as why I wear my visor or helmet. If you took them from me and gave me some shitty curves I can still do the work I need to play and shoot but I’ll be so annoyed at the lack of control, the curve on the toe of the blade is not for cheating or shots, it’s to control and fool people with it, I posses an arsenal of shots that most people cannot understand how I gained it, practice!

15. I text, sometimes I hate my phone because of the shit people will say to me but for the most part I enjoy getting texts from anyone I know with something cool to say, whether its me or them venting or just talking some cool shit.

16. My girl radar is far from broken, I know when a girl is in the room faster than most guys do especially my friends, walking to class at ASU my girl radar is pretty jammed not overloaded but I know where what and who is.

17. If you’re a woman, and have straight hair, wear glasses, hopefully black frames, blue or green eyes (hazel i guess its called) and you’re 5’8 -5’11 and you’re not Mexican and not catholic chances are i’m about to gravitate towards you, I absolutely love that look in women, I don’t know why and I can’t tell you why but god damn it, I fucking love that look.

18. I absolutely love spending time with certain people just to get to chill with them, I appreciate any type of joke especially Aaron jokes which crack me up beyond any reason to the point that I have fallen and started to cry from it. So if i hang out with you more often than most, take it for what it is, i prefer you more than everyone else for a reason, and you matter a lot to me. yes go ahead and feel insulted if you want to.

19. I have a culinary degree and the only thing i’m picky about eating is MSG, I am scared straight on the whole reasons why MSG is bad for you and so should you!

20. I absolutely love to drive, if you tell me to drive you to California and tell me you got the gas and food covered I will throw you in my car with a pillow and ear plugs so you can sleep in peace, why ear plugs? I have an iPod with the world of music from Indian chant music to hardcore.

21. I listen to music more than most people know, and yes I know everyone else can say that, but how many of you have 7673(at this exact moment) songs on your iPod and have listened to every song in that iPod four times each and some songs almost a hundred times? I didn’t think so.

22. I for one do not grasp the “high school are my best years” dilemma most people have, but I do believe that you learn some pretty good things in life to set you for the future, then again, college taught me more about life than high school did and here’s why….

23. I have had two massive head injuries, I’m a bit of an old school hockey player at one point in my life, and concussions were just headaches right? Well my first concussion wiped out from July 02-march or April 03 basically my senior year of high school, the head trauma that caused actually shifted by brain to the left and made my memory pretty good somehow. But the post concussion syndrome was amazing at how terrible it was. I suffered yet another concussion in 06 and it was the by far I swear the worst time of my life, I cannot remember most of anything involving the years 2002-07 and what little I do remember, good luck with that. I almost needed brain surgery actually and I felt like one of those head trauma guys looking at coloring pictures trying to figure them out. That’s how bad it was. So excuse me when I say “come at my head and I will fucking make your life hell” here’s the big surprise about all of this, none of these injuries were from playing hockey.

24. I broke my toe, and fractured my ankle in a span of two weeks, and the toe rebroke two weeks after healing, how’d I fix it both times? Hockey tape, since doctors don’t really do shit but tape it to the other toe. My ankle? I wrapped it and for three months I had to relearn to skate again because of how painful it was, did it stop me from playing hockey every two days? No way! Not a damn chance son! You only live once and nothing will stop me from playing my sport.

25. I absolutely hate shaving, I think it’s the most annoying boring and time wasting chore I have to do besides waiting which I hate, put me on hold on the phone and good luck finding me there when you click over. And if you have dogs, they better not be chihuahuas or annoying small dogs, i will not like them and will not be nice to them unless you win me over somehow, and thats rare, same for cats, i fucking hate cats so much ill swerve my car to kill one, im deathly allergic to them, no mercy.

hah! enjoy if youre insulted take a joke

How the Goverment Should Really Have Parties to Vote back in 2008

2011-09-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

This blog was made and posted in Tuesday, October 21, 2008 =

With no one being able to really choose, Obama, or grandfather time hisself, McCain, its become apparent that the united states is nearing a crisis that has never ever been reached before. Who can we appoint to the offices that run this country.

My pal Jordan came up with the best one ever that i whole heartedly agree, but had to modify and add Peter Mueller, sensing that we need youngbloods to add to the leadership of this already great group of leaders at the time of 2008. Now to further ensue, the greatest list Jordan and I came up with.

Ladies and gentlement, this is the best Cabinet you shall ever see to be put together for Politics For your 2008 Election

President of the United States: Bill Guerin
Vice President: Mike Modano
White House Chief of Staff: Pat LaFontaine
Department of Defense: Brian Leetch
Department of Justice: Jeremy Roenick
Department of State: Mike Richter
Co-Department of Homeland Security: Scott Parker
Co-Department of Homeland Security: George Parros
Department of Veteran Affairs: Chris Chelios
Department of Education: Doug Weight
Department of the Interior: Peter Mueller
Department of Commerce: Al Montoya

Locked in an Elevator with a Spring

2008-11-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

Some people find Eeyore’s gloomy outlook charming. Others prefer the bouncy enthusiasm of Tigger. Who would you rather be trapped in an elevator with: Eeyore or Tigger?

Tigger! Dude, the fact that i have a Tigger comforter for my bed is enough to say. He fucking rules, who the fuck wants to hang with Eeyore? an emo fag? fuck that shit! lets break out the shotguns or razors so eeyore and his gloomy pals can get the fuck out of this world, boooooring.Give me the high road, you can go cry on the low road, and if you dont like what i read? its a fucking thought, half jokeyou cant take a joke? fuck you, i cant take a joke? fuck me! especially if youre a girl ;-)