Obsession, Fantasy & Criticism

Toxic Love 😈

2019-11-19T15:00:00.001-08:00

He’s the epitome of PERFECTION,

Well, he is, atleast to me.

That smile of mischief,

That always got me thinking what is really on his mind.

His ridiculous intelligence,

How smooth he is with deep conversations,

How surreal his views are on everything,

How frank he is with his sentences,

It wheels me in more to him,

I know how bad he is for me,

But his toxicity is what pulls me more to him,

He’s like a food that I’m allergic to but yet still I consume it,

He’s like a scented soap I can’t use but yet I bathe with it,

I was willing to suffer whatever hurt he comes with,

To how bad I crave for him,

I know there would only be pain because all I’ve ever done was to disappoint and give wrong impressions.

He was nothing but a mystery, pure danger ? but that’s what I love about him,

The more he pushes me away,

The more I want to know him,

The more he hates me,

The more I love him,

That’s how I know what we have is,

TOXIC.

Lost Souls 🌙

2017-01-29T14:59:00.005-08:00

Such a beautiful soul,

With a heart like a garden filled with roses,

Rocking a croaked smile along with her hypnotising bright, brown eyes,

It's very hard to tell what she's feeling inside .

I have no one else

2016-05-18T17:24:00.001-07:00

Cracking under intense pressure,

Hiding under my mask,

Trying to find myself in this life of sin,

Holding back tears that makes your face so painful,

Saying things to people who value my friendship like how they value their lives,

Saying ferocious things to them.

I watch them, I watch them as they walk out of my life,

I count them as I push them away,

I don't know who to trust,

I don't know who to believe,

I'm pulling this burden all alone,

I'm dying in this darkness,

Oh, save me Lord Jesus for I have no one else,

Save me Lord from this life of sin.

You Hate Me.

2015-12-19T17:17:00.001-08:00

10:05 PM / 12.12.2015
10:xx AM / 12.17.2015

19 & Broken ✝✝

2015-09-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Her eyes, They were once so bright,

I remember when she was the happiest,

Now she's walking around with a plastic smile.

Her thoughts, They were once so clean,

Now her mind is a mess because ..

She's trying to fight the demons that are roaming free.

Maybe a drink to numb the pain ?

Or a cut to split the vein ?

Maybe a cigarette to ease the mind ?

Or suicide to stop the fight ?

Oooh, How everybody, How everybody think she's so fine,

I just wish that you all could have a peep at my mind,

Sometimes, Sometimes I don't care, I have no fear to die,

And another time, I look above and ask God "why?"

I'm 19 and broken,

It has been five years and counting I'm contemplating suicide.

Dear Friend ...

2015-08-15T17:31:00.001-07:00

[Plays Voice Note]

"Why can't you love yourself ?.. Even if you don't love yourself I'm still going to love you. I don't care about your weight, I don't care about your looks, I don't care about those things that you hate. I know you're insecure, bipolar, I know you self harm and I know you're suicidal. The thought of losing you to suicide is a risk I'm willing to take. I love you. Babe .. I love you. You have an amazing body, A beautiful smile, a great personality, a big heart and on top of that you're cute as fuck. So please, PLEASE, Please give me a chance to make you happy, trust me, you won't regret it. I'll be there for you whenever you want, I'll do anything for you if I can. please give me a chance, I love you.."

[she begun to cry]

Dear Friend,
You love me? Even if I love you, it doesn't matter, I can't love you, We can never be together, we can't even be seen together, what's the sense of loving somebody when you're going to be miserable, but I can't tell you that ... so it's better if I just write it here and leave it and further more I don't even like myself. How can you love me? I mean, what is there to love? how can you think I'm beautiful when I'm not. I'm a insecure mess, I'm a lot to deal with. I get crazy a lot of time and make silly jokes and display childish behavior that I know you're not going to like.. I can see you falling in love with me over and over and over again and falling back out.

I'm advising you to stop. Please give up on trying to let me be your girl or your future wife. I'm not willing to live the rest of my life in misery. I'm sorry ... but my friend .. it's time to say goodbye because by saying these words I'm not sure if you're going to stick around much longer. I doubt you're going to be able to even look at me. Please stop. Please don't wait on me.

And .. And ... In-case you're wondering .. I did like you, I do love you, I will always love you, but you need to move on with your life.

Turn Me On, Then _____ Me. ❤

2013-12-26T16:10:00.003-08:00

He surprisingly grabbed me,

Backing me up against the wall,

He laid some fine kisses on my neck as he slid his hands down my back cupping my ass,

Squeezing them softly.

I could feel the rush in my belly,

I could feel my ____ jumping,

I bit my lips.

My heart starts to beat faster,

He kissed me slowly, going down to my breast,

but he stopped..

He started to lay hickeys on my chest.

He kissed from my breast up to my lips.

His hands were in my underwear.

Slipping his fingers slowly inside, I jumped,

He looked into my eyes, He smiled seductively,

Kissing me softly once more on the lips.

He sucked on my tongue,

Then I bit him on his bottom lip,

He made me curled,

I sunk my fingers in his flesh, abrading his back.

My hormones were bursting through my skin..

His hands were removed from my underwear,

I went infront of him and turn my back to his chest,

I grind down slowly on him grabbing his crotch,

He squeezed my breast passionately as I suck on his tongue.

I could feel the urge, A sudden rush.

I held onto his jeans with a tight grip still grinding on him.

He turned me around and smiled again.

He lifted me up, Pushed me against the wall,

My legs locked around his waist.

He begun to kiss me again as he carried me in his hands to the bedroom.

And that's when we ______ for hours,

After he had turned me on in the living room.

Merry Christmas Everybody, Happy Holidays. ❤

2013-12-25T19:36:00.002-08:00

I may be late but Merry Christmas. ❤

You Brought Me Back to Life. ❤

2013-12-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

I remember,
I remember very well
when you were the only person by my side,
I was lost,
So confused and sick of life.
Until you gave me a reason to live again.
We had never had a stable conversation
without having an argument after,
I always mess things up.
I remember losing you not once but twice,
My personality was too repulsive for you to bare,
I told you sorry a million times,
Did they ever count for me being ungrateful to you ?
I'm always passing the boundaries,
You spoil me.
You're not like everybody else, you were different.
I was blind to see that the little things I did was irksome.
You gave me many chances to be in your life again
but I wasted them thinking that you'll always be accepting my apologies,
I took our friendship for granted.
But now you're gone.
I've hit rock bottom,
And there's nothing that I can say to mend the broken pieces.
You were a great friend who stood up for me,
I'll NEVER forget that.
As I write these words with tears falling from my eyes,
I'll be here wishing the best for you,
Even though you have moved on out of my life.

A Real Friend. ♡

2013-12-05T20:42:00.003-08:00

Ghetto Cry - A Song .. (Unfinished) ..

2013-11-15T18:15:00.002-08:00

[Verse: 1]
It's just another rainy day in the Ghetto,
Black shades on and my Red Stiletto,
There aint no peace without drugs,
That's what keep the place MELLO.
Cocaine on ya' tongue,
Guess where they hid it ? In the Jello.
It's so hard on them, They suffering the pain.
But a little dirty sprite would make it all go away.
Ma' nigga, my nigga, In the Ghetto,
Life just aint the same.

(Chorus)
Can't you hear the cry of the Ghetto?
Why can't somebody come and save us?
We need some jobs in the Ghetto.
We need some food in the Ghetto.
Can't you hear the Ghetto Cry ? (cry, cry)
Can't you hear the Ghetto Cry ? (cry, cry)
Why ? Oh why ? Oh why ?
The Ghetto Cry.

Alone ...

2013-11-11T00:05:00.000-08:00

I just imagined myself in my head

Hanging hopelessly from a million plotted threads.

I'm empty and alone,

With these voices in my head.

Try imagine, Pretend it's you.

Every minute, every hour.

Self esteem going down.

And there's nothing that you can do.

Nobody is by your side.

No Mom , No Dad.

Nobody seems to care.

So you just moved on.

She's just starting life.

Harder times are left to come.

Some say she's seeking attention,

Some said: She's just doing it for fun.

Starved, Useless

Suffering, Stressed

Disgusted, Cutting

And of-course Depressed.

My friends ?

They don't care.

My family ?

They can't help.

I can't escape it.

It stings under my skin.

Some laughed because I'm sad.

I can't find the joke .. So I never grin.

They all say I'm stupid .

"You're a crackhead"

When little they know that I'm killing myself slowly.

And one you'll find me hanging from the ceiling or

laying on my bed Dead.

That's when they will all regret what they have said.
That's when they'll realize that it wasn't a act,
That I wasn't being someone that I'm not,
But just sad me, No pretend.

Anancy Alien. ┼

2013-11-01T22:05:00.003-07:00

A Idle Drawing done by Me , Showing my Artistic Side.

† What Book ?

2013-09-24T00:29:00.001-07:00

This is not Facebook, what book ? Slutbook ?

They need to call this Fuckbook .

Picture lookin' good , but in person ... Yuckbook .

Hellbook , Tellbook , Bitches can't Spellbook .

Hate behind your back , But in person wish you Wellbook .

Glitchbook , Snitchbook , Fake Family Listbook ,

Posting on her page ,This is tryna steal your Bitchbook .

Rudebook , Fuedbook , Tell your every Movebook ,

Don't even need to watch TV , Shit it's here , Newsbook .

Just a little something I posted on Facebook back then.

✘ Splashed, July 20, 2013 ...

2013-09-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

It was a calm night,

Very dark.

My anxiety started to kick in on my arrival to every teen's dream.

Zoned out...

Staring thru' the car window into the dark sky,

Visioning how the night was going to be.

Sighing on the thoughts that came to mind,

I whispered ''Fuck Everything".

I tried to find myself again,

Trying to be Normal, Fitting back in a conversation with my girlfriends.

We were all excited, we were all anxious.

Did I mention Insecure at times?

-Enjoy's the Party like Chocolate Syrup on Ice-Cream with Jello-

For the first in my life .. I felt like "Somebody",

It was my first official party and ofcourse everybody was friendly,

For the first time in my life ... I didn't feel Insecure, Lost or Worried.

"Wild for the Night - Asap Rocky ft Skrillex" was the Anthem for the night.

We all live it up including sad , little me.

It was just as I imagined , Perfection in a polite way.

It was one of the BEST experience of my seventeen years of living. ❤
SPLASHED WAS GOLD.

. . .

2013-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Summer 2013. 0/

2013-06-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Secrets , We all have secrets, some that we can bare to tell to our closest friends .... but some that cannot be spoken about at all , some that we can't even bare to remember. We have done so much things in life that we are not proud of, so much things that we wish we could erased to prevent future embarrassment. But why should we REGRET these things ? I mean ''No Regrets, Just Lessons Learnt" , A young man by the name of Horatio told me this when I was on my face, literally.... the dark pits of Depression. I'm thankful for alot of people and VERY thankful for the few real ones that do care about me. I can only identify my real friends when something REALLY bad happens that push's me to self harm or hurt myself. Sighhh..... Well , I'm now officially done with High School, well I was from the 14th of June (:

And .......... I'm not graduating , OUCH .

Well , Hello Summer c:

` Taken in the Morning on - June 14, 2013 ♥

Life is about Changes . . .

2013-06-07T14:48:00.004-07:00

We are not going to be the same person forever. We can't maintain the same behaviors forever. People and Time change. This World was once decent but now it's very cruel. You can't live your life without being Judged and you definitely can't live your life without somebody or should I say people who will always try to bring you down.
This Generation --> The Riches are still hating on the poor , I guess they finally realized that having money isn't everything, In order to succeed in life you need to have a strong backbone, a good background, a healthy relationship, strong friendships, a personality and of course a brilliant family. You also have to show respect in order to gain respect and Thank God for everything.
This Generation --> They believe that; if they don't have a lot of people kissing their asses, (excuse my language), they are somewhat considered to be an outcast. NO. You are someone, You are yourself, You are an ORIGINAL. Don't let society negative comments cause you feel ashamed of yourself, look down on yourself and definitely don't let society cause you to harm yourself .

- K. Ferg ♥ `

The bitter taste of betrayal . . .

2013-06-06T22:04:00.001-07:00

I always wonder who my real friends are. But when you go further in life you can count them on one hand. Right now, I'm at breaking point of being Teased, Accused, Abused and feeling Ashamed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I definitely can't do anything right. Where do I go from this ? Where ?
Putting all your trust and faith in someone and at the end of the day they don't even like you. they chose to like and chase after the people who don't give a fuck about them. I'm just a teen, I understand that. I don't know what the future has in store for me. I have been betrayed tonight by the one person who I think I could trust. I don't even wish for him to die, I'll leave him to God.

✞ The Trill ; DOPE ✞

2013-02-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

This is a Painting done by: Kerry-Ann Ferguson (Me) for a Friend ,

His name is Horatio A. (Raysho), Meep Meep.

#Bleh.

Evil Walks With Us .

2013-01-20T17:57:00.002-08:00

They bite us,

And Mommy screams.

The scars were there, but they have healed.

There is nothing to show, to tell people

That it is real.

They hold me down

And I couldn't speak

Thank God Mommy came in time to wake me from my sleep.

They walk among us

But we cannot see

They're silent and deadly

So when I see them

I run and SCREAM.

Somebody please wake me up

And tell me THIS WAS ALL A DREAM.

✖ Depression ✖

2013-01-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

This is entitles depression because it was done on a day when I was going crazy and that was the day I attempt to make my first scar. But instead I did.

•°•° ✗ I'll rather feel the Pain ✗ •°•°

2012-12-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

Anger and Agony, Depression and anxiety

Criticism and People, Over thinking, The Irony.

The warm blood flow thru' my ice cold veins,

Tears ran down my face as I lifted my head up high.

Considering if I should cut my thighs

Whispering a prayer before I began.

The mind was greedy, It was eating my soul.

For a moment there I forgot all the beauties that life is yet to unfold.

I couldn't speak, My chest was Numb.

I could barely breathe, I really needed a gun.

Forcing my hand's intelligence to make the first scar.

With a old sharpener blade that I took from my cookie jar.

It was iron against Flesh, I could feel the rush.

But this voice is in my head saying "DON'T DO IT" from my crush.

It was hard not to, I could now walk again.

Bringing my left hand to sink, I rather feel pain, That's what I said.

But with no decisions made.

I placed about seven marks.

They were swollen but they didn't bleed hard.

In the scars, My anger was relieved

I felt light, so I went back around the computer before I fell asleep.

I know these scars will remain

Every time I looked on my hand

But my life is not like others who are always playing in the sand...

♡ Romance on a Noisy Night ♡

2012-12-27T23:08:00.003-08:00

Do I really love you ?

Or its because of your crew .

Do I love you ?

Yes, Like beautiful petals, sky blue

Your touch, The risks

I love it when you once silence me with a kiss .

I love it when you spoke in that tone of voice .

It influenced me towards making the wrong choice .

But because I love you

I have no regrets .

Moving your lips, giving me three kisses on my neck .

Two kisses to my forehead .

hands around my waist .

Squeezing my ass softly as he patiently waits .

I tipped on ma' toes to hug him light .

Saying I don't want to do this tonight .

The room was dull, He stared in my eyes ,

The glare of his pupils made my heart rate rise .

With not another word spoken .

I paid his price .

The seduction was good .

Playing around with cream and ice .

That was catering for him on a noisy night .

✗ NUMB ✗

2012-12-25T16:05:00.001-08:00