Sunday 25th of May 2008 was a day I knew would eventually come, but dearly wished it not to. You see I was fortunate (in some respects, in others unfortunate) that the deaths of people around me all happened before I turned 3 years old. So I had no memory of what it was, what it felt like and really rather sadly, who the people were that died. (The latter actually used to get me upset as a child). Last year changed all of that.

I’d had a couple of beers Saturday night so woke up on Sunday morning pretty late (10am I think). I hadn’t checked my email since early Saturday evening and so when I checked some time around 11am I had a real shock.

A message from one of my friends who lives down London way (where I used to live) messaged me on Facebook to say that one of our friends had died on Saturday and she wanted me to know.

I’d been terrible at keeping in contact and no one had my mobile number or email address so Facebook was the only possible means of contact at the time. Something I’m not proud of but have changed since.

As anyone would I was… I don’t know, lost? Everyone was writing R.I.P. in their statuses so I did too but then it started to settle in my brain a bit more. That and I was desperate to talk to someone about it, to question it and there just wasn’t anyone there!

Late afternoon-ish time I couldn’t stand to be at home. I couldn’t listen to music. I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t eat. Nothing felt right. So I went for a walk and looked for anywhere remote enough for me to be left alone. I eventually did find somewhere but it didn’t help. I honestly thought perhaps the whole thing was a joke, how could it be possible? Really?

Anyway I walked home and drank many many beers. When it was 11pm the only phone number I had been able to find on Facebook was rather cruelly, the one belonging to the friend who’d died. I didn’t hesitate. I thought if anyone can tell me the truth surely it’s the friend in question?

I rang but when the other end picked up there was silence. Calling out ‘hello? Hello’ repeatedly to no answer left me to hang up.

Then the number rang me. It was my friend’s mother asking me if I knew the number I was ringing and I said ‘yes… I’ve been told [name here] died… I just didn’t believe it.’ At which point she had to tell me it’s true, bursts out into tears which causes me to do the same. I stammered countless apologies because I felt like a complete and utter fool to make her go through doing that.

I somehow managed to sleep and the next morning the friend that messaged me originally rang me and we chatted for well over an hour. A strange conversation like I’ve never had.

Thankfully I wasn’t due in to go to college that Monday as (rather unthankfully) my final exams had started. At which point I didn’t care about my exams anymore. What did a piece of paper mean compared to the loss of a friend’s life? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Her funeral was two weeks later, on the day of one of my maths exams and I had to fight my college to let me off the exam and travel down to near London. I knew that if I was to have any chance of being able to get through this strangeness, it would have to start with the funeral.

The day of her funeral and wake was… unbelievable. Horrible. Terrifying. Just so effin’ wrong. Just seeing a wooden box being carried… in the hearse… at the crematorium. Uh. Really really awful.

Although technically yesterday was the 1st anniversary, I think today and for the next coming years will be the hardest because it was the day I found out and my feelings and thoughts towards so many things dramatically changed.

I realised that for the whole of my life I had always put education first, before anything. Including before friends. When you’ve had a childhood and teenagehood like mine it’s easily done. But for the past year I’ve switched my priorities. Putting all your efforts into education means nothing if you have no one to share your life with.

The next step for me is to waken up to the fact that her death was suicide. Currently in my head I view it that my friend was taken from this world and not that she took her own life. To think about just what she did do, is something I really can’t face. It would mean being so effin’ angry with her, and angry is not something I do. Especially not on my own.

Will I ever face up to the reality of it? I’m tempted to say I doubt it, but who knows. I have huge difficulties in dealing and realising things that happen around me, as I’ve grown into just accepting whatever happens. I still have yet to face the fact that I moved out of my childhood home and my parents divorced which was some 7/8 years ago.

Maybe someday I’ll find the right guy to spend my life with who’ll be the one to help deal with all of the crap. And if no guy turns up I’ll be more than happy with a cat or two.

Twitter posts from a year ago:

Oh. My. God. Just found out one of my friends committed suicide. I don’t know how to think/feel/act.Should I be doing something?4:25 PM May 25th, 2008 from web

I’m drunk and a mess. I rang my friend’s phone to be told that she did indeed overdose yesterday. I can’t deal with this right now. :’(11:18 PM May 25th, 2008 from web

desperately wishing to be with my friends right now. Why do I live 75 miles away?4:51 PM May 26th, 2008 from web

I can’t do it. I can’t blog about how I’m feeling. This is just too hard.12:06 AM May 28th, 2008 from web

Huge kudos goes to Vixx & Sarah. And Pumpkin Princess of course! (Kitty, Dita).

Ah, you wonder. What’s that? Well, from their respective websites:

Comic Relief:

Our vision is ‘a just world free from poverty’.

Our mission, thanks to our comedy heritage and the fantastic relationship we enjoy with the BBC, is ‘positive change through the power of entertainment’.

And our biggest tool, in trying to achieve these two goals, is the ability to inspire people across the whole country especially those who don’t normally do charity – to do charity.

And Red Nose Day (RND):

Red Nose Day is, quite simply, a day like no other! We take some fantastic fundraising in schools, offices and homes across the land, mix it with the nation’s favourite celebrities getting up to all kinds of mischief, sprinkle a new Red Nose (or three!) across the entire UK and add a cracking night of comedy on BBC One to make Red Nose Day the phenomenon it is.

If you are intrigued further, I highly suggest going through the nifty flip-book style storyline of RND’s ‘Story So Far’.

One of the main goals (emphasised this year – there are many things Comic Relief as a charity help towards all year round) is to raise money towards putting a stop to the malaria crisis in Africa. You’ve only got to see a short clip of one of the many films made about parents who are watching their babies and children die from malaria, and you’ll feel just how serious this is.

The mind boggling thing about it all is that malaria is something easily preventable. Something we (the developed world) don’t even have to think about, yet is something that kills a child in Africa every 30 seconds. I don’t think I’m the only one who literally gets wet eyes even thinking about that for a moment.

I’m not writing this blog post to… well, bring sadness to your day. Red Nose Day has always been something I’ve always enjoyed being a part of since I was old enough to understand what it meant. I thought I would take this time to share what I’ve done for it today (admittedly, not much, but it’s better than nothing) and to also help spread the word just that little bit further.

So I first decided to follow one of Red Nose Day’s twitter accounts (they have a number of them for different things). This was to mainly follow  how the Red Nose Climb of Mount Kilimanjaro went.

Then tonight, via the very useful BBC iPlayer I managed to watch the documentary about the climb as a whole and it immediately made me want to donate.

And I did. £30. I know it’s not much, but the point is that if everyone gives then it amounts to quite a lot. I then gave another £1 for a red nose to be added to an uploaded photo of my choice. I believe this is the first year ‘digital noses’ have been available – usually you buy a physical round red nose to wear during the day.

I then ‘donated’ my Facebook status to RND, to be updated by their page as they choose.

All in all, small actions, by one (small?) person but still completely worthwhile.

One of the reasons Comic Relief and Red Nose Day is something I love is simply because it’s making a difference in the world by making ‘ordinary’ folk give through laughter. And I love laughter.

@ 23:06 Friday 13th the total money raised was standing at £32,802,411. Wow.

Update @ 21:53 Saturday 14th the total for Red Nose Day itself was £57,809,938. I’ve also given a bit more money by downloading £10 worth of singles from the top 40 on iTunes. (25p from a 79p song in the top 40 will be donated from iTunes to Comic Relief – amongst donations from other downloads as well).

Well I’ll tell ya. The clue lies within today. It’s the Chinese New Year! And the title of this blog post simply says ‘Happy New Year’. I think. So yes, happy New Year to you!

…

‘Um… I thought New Year’s was January 1st,’ you whisper quietly, so as to not disturb or offend my seemingly insane thoughts.

Yes that’s quite right but for me January 1st is no day to set as an example for the rest of the year. Oh no. You see because I do happen to get rather drunk on alcohol the day before, so Jan 1st is a sleep/rest/peaceful day. Not one for looking wistfully into the future and being proactive. And all that joy.

So, a first for me, I’m ‘choosing’ (if I can indeed do such a thing) is to count my New Year’s as today. That way I’m not sleeping off alcohol and I’ve had a good 4 weeks to actually think about the year ahead. Sounds good to me!

If you are wondering why I chose the Chinese New Year, rather simply I love all things Chinese. I hope to learn Mandarin when I can find the time and I want to spend a good deal of time visiting China. Cool beans.

Righty so let’s get to it. My main ideas/thoughts/goals for the year of the ox are (in no particular order):

• Put hell of a lot more effort into maintaining this site/blogging. It is something I actually enjoy, yet fail to put time into! Due to less time spent in front of a computer these days, I’m experimenting into others ways of blogging (i.e. via my mobile phone).
• Get damn well better at staying in contact with everyone. This includes my immediate family, my distant family. My immediate friends, my distant friends. Offline friends, online friends. And rather oddly, myself! I do this via writing in my journal with a good ol’ pen. I’ve not done it for a good few months and I should really do it every day!
• Get clear with myself just what the hell I’m doing with my time and essentially my life! It sounds deep, I guess it is. Towards the end of 2008 I realised my life is my own. So I want to start making decisions for myself and not other people and their own goals. With this I need to sort out what I want to be doing with my life!
• Read more. I was such a bookworm for so many years (if not the majority of my life) but the past three years has seen the time I spend reading dramatically decline. I’m not sure why, but I do miss it so I want to bring the comfort of a good smelling book back to my mornings.
• Save money. Simple. Put money into my savings account rather than letting it sit in my main account just waiting to be spent.
• Eat better. Mainly, less fat. I’m not trying to be a health nut but I want to eat just a little bit more consciously towards what I’m putting into my body. I’ve found a great tasting and healthy food in (fruity, not nutty) muesli. I know, I’m shocked too but it’s actually really good!
• Do more exercise. Really. During the summer I was pretty good but since then my exercise routine has quite literally diminished. But I like exercising. It feels gooood. Honestly! (And I have a little spare weight I’d like to shuffle).

Hmm beyond that I don’t think there’s much more I’m working towards this year. That I’ve thought about yet anyway! Some things are standard, others are… not so standard… *laughs*

Anyway, there is no point dragging this post out so I’ll leave you with that.

Happy Chinese New Year! Feel free to share your own goals for 2009.

Anyway, there is some point to this post before you start wondering just what the hell I’m on about. No, not an amazing point, but one worth mentioning. Or something.

So today, October 8th marks the anniversary of when I started working. My second anniversary because I have now been a working girl for three years! Shocking!

Yep, that’s right. I started working when I was sixteen and haven’t stopped since.

I’ve actually been with the same company for my entire working ‘life’ although I’m currently in a different division to the one I started in, and now live in a completely different part of the country. So I’m loyal, you see?

My only regret of starting work so young is that I am unlikely to stop working until I retire. Which is a shame really. Although I didn’t have to work when I was sixteen, when I moved out from my mother’s at the age of seventeen I did have to work to pay rent every week. It was a necessity!

So now that I haven’t (thankfully) moved back to living with mother dearest, I still have to pay rent, and still have to work in order to live!

Up until about a month ago I was part time, but for just this year (until next September) I’m now full time whilst I take a year out and get some – wait for it – money behind me!

My advice to you, the young, innocent teen websurfer is this: don’t start working until you truly, desperately have to. There is more worth in enjoying the time of your youth than earning cash just to blow on current trends you don’t actually like.

I do wish I’d waited to start working until I had a need to earn money, but it did mean that when I moved out I had a stable company to transfer jobs with at a time I did actually need money.

So young’ns. Think very carefully before taking up that Saturday job you’ve been tempted by. Do you really need the money that badly?

And there ain’t no time for a working girl.

We’ve had sunshine! SUN! Suitably warm/mildly hot temperatures! Why… I’m almost tempted to think summer has arrived late! Well, it hasn’t because now it’s all going back to the best of British tomorrow. (Ie, pants.) I say summer has come late because well, last year we all got flooded and this year although the rain fall was much less, the hours of sunshine didn’t improve.

Two years without a real summer! It’s driving this girl crazy…

Any who, enough complaining you English arse. Yes, so woot sun for the weekend. Of course, I only managed to enjoy it (for part of) today, due to the annoyance that is work. Never mind.

So whilst I was working home from work today (keeping in mind today was my day off) a sudden flash of thunder and lightning struck! Oh, wait… no, that was just my brain cranking round some old childhood memories…

You see, whilst it was very sunny and the sky was pure blue (with no clouds in sight) there was a slight chilliness to the temperature. I haven’t experienced those three variables together like that since I was a wee lad. *cough* I mean wee lass…

Many many moons ago yours truly lived in a predominantly Christian village. I know how it sounds, but it’s what I know as my childhood – seems perfectly normal! Any who, due to this religious factor most, if not all residents of this wee little village attended the service on Sundays, every week, without fail.

Yes. That includes me – until my parents started drifting apart from each other.

Now it’s all very queer because quite literally every Sunday morning was the same. Sunny, slightly chilly, but oh so relaxing! I don’t actually remember it ever raining on a Sunday back then. (Peculiar much?).

So this morning, it felt literally the same (oh, and there were Church bells a-ring-a-ding-dinging. Real bells, not the weirdness America has) as back then. So much so that I suddenly felt like I was seven years old and walking to Church with my parents and sister. Then I realised that wasn’t the case and stopped kicking the conkers on the floor, to the relief of the elderly Church-goers walking past me.

Wow. What an exciting post. Crikey, what’s going on?!

I’m tellin’ ya, sunshine does weird things to those English folk. The British aren’t coming, they’re going insane!

(You love us really).

Any how, I don’t want to get into it now, there’s time yet for all that malarky to erupt.

So yes. Today is the day all fluffy-tailed, pointy-eared, black-pawed critters have been waiting for. The official non-beta public release of Firefox 3! Now where’s those rats I just caught for my celebratory dinner…

Oh! I’m sorry! You’re not a fox! You’re not even remotely fiery! D’oh! Neither am I, but don’t tell my mother…

Actually, technically maybe I am. Only in the sense that I’ve been using Firefox as my primary web browser since mid-2003. Not because I smell like wet dog. And rabbits.

So any who, getting to a somewhat relevant point (or not). The young buds at Mozilla decided that the release of Firefox could also be a record attempt at the number of downloads erm, downloaded in 24 hours. Sound kinky or what? Nah, I didn’t think so either. I did get a bit excited though, to the point a little bit of wee came out…

That day is today and YOU have less than 24 hours (probably less than 20 by the time I get this thing bloody finished) to take part in the record attempt! So go download it, or not if you’re not a firefox like moi.

Ah-hem. Well, good luck! Hmm, that’s not so fair, you do have a somewhat high chance (I think) of actually downloading it… just don’t put any money on it. Hell, I’m writing this post using it! But it took about an hour to actually get it on my machine!

Why? Well, everything at the Firefox 3/Mozilla HQ went kapoof shortly after the 24 hour period
‘started’. Oh you know, it’s that typical thing of every bloody person being ruddy impatient and running to the download page to get their hands on the dirty-pawed product. So what happened? The servers said no. Literally. Spreadthefox.com, getthefox.com and the main Firefox page at mozilla.com went loopy. Well, they just didn’t load actually.
Which was no fun! Anyway, after some weird goings-on, some chillin’ tunes from Stereophonics and some farting, things finally worked for me. So yeah, I have it. It’s kinda kooky if you ask me! The main reason I got it seems to be holding up – it does seem faster.

Now don’t go bloody shouting at me because I said that. ‘Course it’s bloody faster you nimwit! Well I don’t care what you think. I needed it to be faster because Firefox 2 went loco on this machine, and thankfully it is. That’s all I wanted. I don’t care about plastic, silver-shiny, new-car-smell features that might also be inherent. I’ll find those later.

So if you are also a Firefox user, or just want to fill up your family’s computer with random downloads then, with a bit of patience, you should go download it baby! It’s no Speed Racer, but it’s certainly speedier than FF 2.

Some screen captures of the fun you might have instore if you do decide to download. Spot the difference between the first and second capture and you win a ‘keen eye’ award*.

* The keen eye award does not actually exist. Well, it does because what I’ll say to you, if you do spot the correct difference, is ‘keen eye’. That’s it. Awwshum, non?

Oh, psst… you can also make yourself a certificate to say you downloaded it! Sweet! Here’s my certificate (PDF).

1. You can start, by failing to think of something for your series entitled Wednesday Weevils, and post some half-nonsense poop about FooFoo’s. Although you did wonder if anyone knew about any cool photos sites besides Flickr, it really wasn’t a real Wednesday Weevil. In the end, you managed to upgrade your Flickr account so the 200 photos maximum has vamooshed.
2. You can then follow up that post, with a completely pointless and stupid entry written in a pirate accent, that simply celebrates the smiley on the Internet.
3. A few posts fall in, apologizing for lack of time. Even some fiction-sounding material works it’s way in.
4. Then you jet off to the grand US of A.
5. Whilst you manage two twitter updates (1, 2) during this trip, they mark the true beginning of the full-on Hibernation Period.

What happened, you ask, during this Hibernation? The gathering of acorns? The deep-sleep slowly fueled by thick layers of insulating fat? Well… here’s what might have taken place, immediately after the return to gloomy England.

1. You’ve had such a brilliant time abroad, your last night was filled with tears. You yearn to stay and live there, once again. Your life in England cannot compete with the hope the two week vacation put unknowingly in your heart. You, along with your sister and father all get drunk on delicious wine, wiping away the tears, but fail to ease the constriction of your chest muscles.
2. Upon returning to your home country, and the building you call ‘home’ you feel empty. You want to be back with your father, and the little lion dude. At least you have the pumpkin princess to snuggle with.

3. In the next month, you wake up to reality, and realise things aren’t that bad. Yes, you want to live there, but actually, your home country is better to study in for your chosen degree. One day you will live there again, just not as soon as your heart wishes for it to be so.
4. You apply for university, to start in autumn 2008. Your at-the-time first choice offers you a place three days before Christmas. It is your first offer out of four to come. You smile, laugh, and jump around the house like you’ve never done so before in your life.
5. Christmas 2007 is spent is your own company, and that of the snuggly one. Your one present is that of your university offer, but nothing else could have been sweeter to receive.
6. Back at college in January, your closest friend, who happens to be male and three years older, turns into your own private stalker.
7. January also takes you to see one of your favourite bands you’ve loved for the longest of times.
8. For the next couple of months he is chasing you to the train station, getting on your train home, and demanding your attention and time in a completely obsessive and entirely non-friendly way.
9. When your father comes to visit from the USA to take you to a visit day at your first-offered university, you are glad for the break away from the stalker. You hope the distance and time apart will soothe difficulties.
10. Things get worse. Your stalker ‘attempts’ to commit suicide three times at your town’s train station. He never jumps. He just sits there until the police are called out to pull him off the bridge and arrest him.
11. You have been followed and chased down that many times, you no longer feel safe in your home town, or the city of your college to walk alone. Although you do it anyway, constant looking over your shoulder, and panic attacks start setting in.
12. Finding comfort in a female friend, one year older than yourself, and your course tutor at college, things improve as the stalker has to leave you alone, else feel the wrath of those silently supporting you.
13. During this time you have received all four university offers. You visited one uni and hated it. You visited another and decided this one would be your first choice, over your previously preferred university. The long term benefits of this one outweigh the short term desires of the previous one.
14. You turn nineteen.
15. A couple of weeks into April, you manage to resolve things with your stalker, but you lay down ground rules for the newly-forged friendship.

So there’s the basics of it. The possibilities that may have occurred to render a website owner in a hibernative state. Of course there’s no reason to think they did happen, they just might have…

OK guys and gals, here’s the point of this post. I was pretty much in hibernation from the internet for a good number of months. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and I would bet that it isn’t going to be the last.

Everything listed above did happen to me, amongst other non-interesting things. Whilst some of it may sound… undesirable, it inadvertently strengthened other parts of my life. Some of the things that happened during the stalkerish stage were enjoyable in the sense that I had huge adrenaline rushes and for once in my life I could be loud and shout and swear at someone at the top of my lungs. It was great! I’m normally rather calm, quiet and content and so this experience let me break out of that mold a little bit!

I plan on writing about particular things listed above in their own sanctity of individual posts in the coming weeks. I thought it may be an idea to sketch out a basic ‘outline’ of what life has been like for me since November ‘07.

Rather interesting, eh? Actually, not really. I’m sure there are more interesting things six months could have been filled with! But it has been one hell of a ride, for me, that’s for sure!

I’m slowly crawling back into the world of online things.

Some things that have changed regarding online things:

• My oceanus-anima.com email addresses have been spammed to death. I no longer use them, and now enjoy the comforts of Gmail. (englishocean at gmail.com is my email address).
• I am using someone else’s theme for oceanus-anima.com. This is a first ever in my history of website owning since 2003.
• My iBook broke. Then my computer broke. Then my website broke. My iBook is forever broken. My computer just about usable. My website back up and waiting for me to use it again.

If there is not one thing you can possibly comment upon, and/or relate to then… well… that really can’t be the case, surely? If so, can you explain? At least welcome me back into the online world.

To those that aren’t in the know, this is just a short clip of a fake documentary regarding flying penguins! Honestly, if you have 1 minute and 31 seconds to spare you really should give it a go.

I realise April Fools Day was a long time ago now… but still. Just watch it already!

The basics? As short as possible…

This site is hosted via DreamHost, which offers one-click installs of WordPress. I have always used this method for installing WordPress on this domain. By doing this, I can also have the DreamHost bot do upgrades via another one-click process.

When WordPress 2.5 came out, I was eager to sink my teeth into it, and so did the usual upgrade via DreamHost.

What resulted was my site, neither the front or back end of WordPress, showing up or working. Something went astray somehow.

I ended up doing about six million installs of WordPress on another domain, a sub domain here, and locally on my computer (via one-click and manual installs).

However nothing got WordPress working fully functional as it should have been on this domain.

Then it came to me. When I’d installed WP on a sub domain, I’d actually created that sub domain specifically for such reason, rather than plonk it on some random pre-existing sub domain. I remembered skimming past on the page that the sub domain was PHP 5.2.(x). Hmm weird, I thought.

Considering my domain is coming up to two years, I felt sure it wasn’t that version of PHP. And it wasn’t. It was 4.4.(x). Ah. I said to myself. Is this the answer?

So I quickly updated this domain to 5.2, reinstalled WP 2.5 (first manually) and thankfully things worked perfectly! I decided I still trusted DreamHost’s bot, so reinstalled it via the one-click.

To this day I don’t understand what happened. WordPress doesn’t require this higher PHP version, so what did cause the stinky poops I don’t know.

The one unfortunate thing of upgrading via an ‘external program’ is that you can quite possibly be arrogant enough to not read the upgrade instructions or guidance notes. I certainly never did. I just went ahead and clicked ‘Upgrade’.

But from this experience, I’ve learned how important it is to backup your WordPress database before upgrading. To not do this, is pure ignorance, and sets you up for complete disaster that no one can pity you for, or help with.

Thankfully, I had backed up my database randomly the last time I did anything on this blog. DreamHost automatically backs up your files before upgrading, but I don’t believe it does anything with the database.

I realise this post is extremely non-descriptive in what exactly happened, but, hey, let’s just move on, and take joy in the fact everything is now working!

Thankfully, I am very happy with WordPress 2.5. Whilst I am aware some bloggers have issues with things, I have yet to find something that I dislike, or am not fond of. Perhaps all this hassle has left my judgement of WP 2.5 locked in a jar? Hmm. No bother!

Uh. This automatically posted entry marks the moment things went right with WordPress. Amongst everything else that caused over a week of frustration, desperation and depression.

I’m keeping this Hello world! post, sounding like the Travelocity’s Alan Whicker, to remind myself of the torment, torture and turmoil I went through to get to this bloody point! GAH!

With all that bad stuff, this post also marked, and initiated the release of all said ‘bad stuff’, and pointed me back into that ol’ good stuff!

Ahhh.