One Day At A Time..through my eyes...

Sundowning

2011-10-20T21:51:00.001-04:00

I have learned alot about memory disorders. One of the terms used is "sundowning". It refers to the time of day when the symptoms get worse. This can include more extreme memory loss, combativeness, irritability, verbal attacks, etc. It is difficult to detach from a loved one who is going thru this, especially when I was the target. I have listened and read friends who have gone thru this and what they have shared has helped me more than anyone can know. I am grateful.

This brings me to why I am writing about sundowning. For the past two days, I have hit a slump in the evening. I can almost pinpoint the exact time when my spirits, my mood, my outlook, and my peace seem to just plummet. I am vigilant for the signs of depression and this seems to be a mini-episode. Kind of weird. I cannot see any trigger nor is it lingering but is is disturbing to me that I can go from happy, peaceful, active and grateful to blah in mere moments. I've rearranged my medication schedule to see if that might help. I also know that I do not do well as the sunshine slowly lessens each day. I love winter but I do not do well with long, dark days. I'll be in Florida in a few weeks. That is a good thing.

Today was a good day, nonetheless. Pruning trees, tending animals, runs to feed store and home depot for wood chipper. Cold nights are here and maybe my system is just adjusting to it, like the leaves falling. I know it will be okay, I just hate to feel bad when I want to feel good.

Sandwich Generation

2011-10-20T00:13:00.000-04:00

I am back home for a few weeks to slow down, catch my breath and spend some precious time just doing the things I love most. Taking care of our animals, tending the house (and camper, my current abode), yakking with girl friends, getting hair and nails done, you know, all those little things! I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. I am sorry for that because I love to read posts and share part of my own little world. It is good therapy for me.

My husband and I had to make arrangements last month to go to Florida and help his parents. His mother needed to be placed in an ALS for memory disorders and his step-dad was in the hospital and is now in rehab. He had taken care of her for two years and it is true that a caretaker often gets sicker than the one being taken care of. He is on the mend but it will be awhile before he is up and about. We are taking turns going down there to take care of the house, dog, and other affairs. It truly is one day at a time.

I cannot tell you how much strength I have received from reading about my blog-friends who have also joined the "sandwich generation". With our boys out of the house, we don't have the added responsibility of taking care of them on a daily basis but we still are a safety net when they need it. I am grateful that my husband and I have the time and resources to make sure his parents are safe, loved, and can enjoy the best quality of life possible for them. It isn't easy. It has taken all of our time and attention this past month and we only see each other when we are arriving or leaving. My husband is a good man and I owe much of that to his mother so I am honored to be able to help her. They are both doing much better.

I pray, I make sure I take the time to care for myself, I ask for help, I stop and breath, I embrace all that I am grateful for. One day I will be the one who will need help and I am a big believer in Karma so this is also and investment in my own future. I also believe our children learn by what we do, not what we say, and I hope that this means they won't set me adrift on an iceberg in my older years. :-D

I've missed you all and hope to post a little more often. I have a new laptop (yay!) so no excuses.

Like a kid at Christmas...

2011-06-30T09:23:00.000-04:00

My husband and I are the proud owners of a new-to-us truck. This is a BIGGEE for us. We have not had a truck that is reliable since we bought our little homestead in 1994. You have no idea how many times we said, "...when we get a truck." We have put off projects, borrowed friends trucks, rented trucks for weekend material runs to Home Depot, and used my car trunk to haul hundreds of pounds of feed. This truck was not a want but a need.

We also are getting a new lawn tractor delivered today. With five acres, we have gone through at least five used lawn tractors over the past 17 years. The problem with buying a used mower is that you risk buying someone else's problems. We treated each mower with kid gloves and they lasted as long as they could. I love mowing but am tired of breaking my nails and getting covered with grease working on lawn mowers. I spent a whole weekend replacing the deck belt and blades last month on our mower. I think if I were in my 20s it wouldn't bother me so much but I just want to get on the mower and mow. I can't tell you how excited I am and plan to be mowing and mowing and mowing this weekend. It is therapy for me.

These two purchases mean the world to us and especially to me. They are really life-enhancing and will mean we can now get so many things done in a much easier way. I am grateful.

The person that helped us be able to do this reads my blog occasionally. I don't know if they are reading it now but I hope so. This person really has no idea what these items mean to us. We plan on living here and working the homestead a long time. Our rescue dogs will soon have a bigger and better fenced yard since we can haul fencing supplies now. Our weekly runs to the dump won't depend on a friend's truck. Yes, I am grateful.

Thank you for indulging me today. It is a miracle that I only received after finding Al-Anon that my life no longer is consumed by another's problems. I have much more in my life now that I am focused on me. Miracles and gratitude today...awesome...

Before and After

2011-06-28T22:33:00.000-04:00

My brain and body are in balance again after yesterdays medication mixup. Today was a "pay attention to the present" day for me. A day filled with many baby steps forward. Days like these are nice. I was so grateful to feel like I was in the right time-zone both physically and mentally.

I had a chance to think about how I used to be before I learned, grew up, matured and became a functioning, responsible, loving, happy, giggling and feeling human (who is) being. I look back now with a bit of detachment and a bit more wisdom. I have little tolerance for self-hate, guilt or regret about my past. I am finding it hard to remember how I use to feel, especially when I hit ~~the~~ a bottom and my therapist sent me running, then crawling, to my first Al-Anon meeting. I was desperate, alone, afraid, and vascillated between crying out of hopelessness and shaking out of anger. I was a mess (and unmedicated, unfortunately).

Today, I know what peace, forgiveness, gentleness, empathy and love are. I give and receive these daily in some form or another. Some days I can only manage to love myself. That is okay. I don't have to kick myself or be jealous of others. I don't have to endlessly want what I don't have, thinking it or them will fill a hole in my life. I am enough. I trust the Universe today to provide the experiences, guidance and gentle lessons that I need to keep growing into the being I was created to be. I believe that it is that way for every spirit who is on a journey like me.

I'm off to take care of myself, indulge is some new girl-stuff I bought and go to sleep. At peace and grateful. My hope for you as well, dear one.

This too shall pass but damn...

2011-06-27T18:55:00.000-04:00

No wise words, pontification, sermon or wisdom today. I can hear the heavy sigh of those of you who are so disappointed. ::insert sarcastic retort::

I did not pay attention to my meds this morning. It isn't a secret if you have read my blog that I was diagnosed with severe depression at 30 and re-diagnosed with Bipolar II last year. Add mild hypertension to the list and you get the pharmaceutical picture.

I evidently took too much of one medication and not enough of another. I have no idea which ones because putting them in a daily pill box would require some degree of maturity and motivation, both of which are in short supply right now. My brain is a whirling dervish and my body keeps thinking it is bedtime. I do not regret missing the 60s and LSD, I would not have done well.

I'm tired, jumpy, cranky, and anxious with the attention span of a rock. (that doesn't even make sense but it was the best I could do).

Thanks to Al-Anon I know what to do. Stop. Breath. Step back. Look at the problem and determine if I need help. I don't, thank goodness, but I know who to call if I did. All will be better and in the mean time I'm staying put, taking it easy and looking for my pill box.

A Spiritual Law

2011-06-26T15:40:00.000-04:00

I know there are books on "Spiritual Laws". I probably have read one or two in my time. However, my own list of spiritual laws consists of those that I have learned in my life through experience, revelation, epiphany or plain old lesson in the school of hard knocks. These laws, once I embraced them, are constant in my life, providing proof that I am more than a just a body separated from other bodies wandering around this world at the whim of fate and destiny.

One of the first spiritual laws I learned early on is that I recieve as I give. I learn as I teach. I am released of illusions as I refuse to recognize illusions of others. I'm heading into ACIM territory here so I will back up a bit...

Each day I have a choice to see myself as a victim of a cruel, hateful, judgmental and lonely world or I can see myself as being the co-creator of my life, my path, my experiences, my existence in this realm. I say co-creator but did not always believe this. For a long time I tried to create my own little kingdom. I was like a little kid refusing guidance, love or help. I made up my world and when I got hurt, dissapointed, or ended up alone, I stomped my foot and blamed God, or worse, turned my hurt and fears into guilt. All the result of a childish game and no more real than a boogy monster in the closet.

I'm 49 and still believe in boogymen sometimes. I now know that I have a Spiritual Parent to help me. As I ask for help will help be given. As I trust will I be empowered with the answers. As I forgive myself for giving power to childish illusions will I be able to share with others.

Kinda deep for a sultry, summer day. Off to drink tea and check out my Farmville. Peace be unto you and may your illusions fade away so that you may see the glorious, loved and precious being you are.

Namaste

Resentments..

2011-06-23T13:27:00.001-04:00

The picture on the left is credited to Mr. Sponsorpants. The message from the picture was so powerful for me I wanted to write a bit on what it means to me.

Resenting another person or situation is the most toxic, defeating, self-sabotaging, and un-loving thing I can do to myself. I don't care who or what I am stewing about and resenting, they are not losing ONE MINUTE thinking about me. I am the one in the cross-hairs and it is my finger on the trigger. I am responsible for removing my finger, only me.

It took me years and years to construct the walls that I used as a defensive mechanism. Resentments and blame were the mortar that held it together. As I learned a better way I realized that I don't need to be forgiven by others to forgive. Some aren't ready, some will never forgive me. The Steps have helped me to work through my resentments, my part, and making amends. It takes time for slow learners like me.

I have a few resentments today. I am grateful they aren't old ones but they do indicate that I still have much work to do. I also have my gratitude list. I cannot be grateful and resentful at the same time. I also can't just ignore those little resentments that nudge at my serenity. No resentment is too small to look at honestly and find what is under it. This is where a seasoned sponsor can help me...or anyone.

Hot and Crankly but...

2011-05-23T17:59:00.000-04:00

I'm hot and cranky today. My electric bill soared and should have gone down. Plumber is on way to see if we have a water leak. Am dealing with 8 dogs inside so the plumber doesn't get eaten. Have had to lock one cat in the bathroom so it doesn't get eaten AND we now have a severe thunderstorm warning till eleven. I am really hot and really cranky and wondering who I pissed off, but...

I know better now so I can do better. Al-anon taught me and the people in the room showed me how. I can stop and look at my situation and see it in it's right perspective. Crisis or incidents? What is mine to handle? Can I ask for help? also....

I can look outwards instead of focusing on me, myself and I. I am from Missouri. In fact my family lives a few hours from Joplin. My mother lives alone and while she is a strong brave woman, impending storms can be scary. I am grateful that my family is well. I am terribly saddened by those who are grieving the loss of loved ones and irreplacable touchstones. I don't know how they feel. I don't think it is shameful to be grateful that I don't know how they feel. but....

I do know that it could have been me and each day I get to love, live, laugh, muddle through the rough spots and help another muddle through than I know I will be okay, no matter what. but....

I'm still hot and cranky. I am also praying, grateful and can look at today with a new perspective. One I didn't have before Al-anon. Thank you, Universe.

Namaste

Hot muggy n next right thing.

2011-05-22T13:28:00.001-04:00

Doing the next right thing. A phrase that helps me when I am overwhelmed or "stuck". I have a plan for today. It may or may not unfold as I want. Because of Al-anon, I no longer have to fear or obsess about the future. Can I focus on the present and tend to my own affairs and not waste my valuable time worrying about people, places , or situations which are beyond my control? I know I have choices. I ask the Universe to show me my path n keep me off of others' paths.

Kingdom of Rust - For a Little While

2011-02-18T03:26:00.000-05:00

I know the lead singer! He lives in my little town here and I work on their computer sometimes.

Monsters in the closet..

2011-02-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I like to post quotes on my FB that catch my eye. Today I found this one,

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.

Montaigne

I liked this one because it reminds me that most of the stuff I create in my head to dwell on, to fear, to avoid, to figure out, to keep me paralyzed, never happens. I have spent more time in my head trying to prepare myself for every conveivable outcome. I had a imaginary crystal ball that kept me amused. The problem was that the things I thought i was preparing for rarely happened. A collasal waste of brain energy. I learned that in Al-Anon.

I still have monsters in closets in my mind. If I want to look for them, I will find them and I will wrestle with them, fight them, figure out ways to avoid them, or just sit in paralyzed fear. Or I can listen to the voice that tells me they aren't real and can't hurt me. I can turn on the light and see that they were just shadows of past pain. A shadow can't hurt me but it can take my focus off the only real thing in my life and that is the moment...right now.

I can't predict the future and the monsters in my head aren't real so what is left? Can I accept that for this moment, I can be happy and free to love and embrace everything in my life. Can I do something today, even though I'm (afraid, shy, tired, lonely, etc)? Can I step outside the box and beyond the safe confines of my self-imposed buffer? I am going to try.

Romancing Yourself...

2011-02-12T20:24:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day hasn't been a huge deal to me since 6th grade which was the last year we got to make Valentine's Day boxes out of shoe boxes. I was so excited when February came around. I was (and am not now) artistic, so this activity gave me a chance to really have fun since you can't really screw up gluing doilies and cutting out a zillion construction paper hearts. I still remember my last one and how fun it was when we got to hand out our valentine's. Everyone was required to give one to each child so no one ever felt left out. Those were simpler times.

My husband and I will be going to eat at Waffle House. It really is fun for us since it opened about a year ago and in our little part of the world, this was big news in our small town. It is affordable, no need to call for reservations, is only packed during breakfast, and the cook doesn't know the meaning of low-fat, sugar-free, or cholesterol. My kind of cook. It is our own little private joke and we enjoy the heck out of it.

I have thought a lot today about how differently I feel about Valentine's Day. It is a day devoted to love. What a wonderful thing to celebrate. There isn't anything that requires anyone to have a significant other, spouse, or partner in order to indulge ourselves with candy, flowers, perfume, fancy jammies, elegant jewelry, new book or dinner out at a fancy restaurant. I gave myself permission years ago to romance myself. I had help. There is a book that is called Romancing the Ordinary by Sarah Ban Breathnach. She is one of those people, like Marianne Williamson, who is living and sharing her gifts every day. It is worth reading if you don't know how to love and indulge "you". This isn't about buying things or attaching ourselves to someone to fill that space inside. We have all we need to fill ourselves up with passion and excitement about the unique, perfect and dazzling beings that we are. I cannot write well enough to convey how strongly I feel about this or the quiet, life changing shifts in my own self-reflection that I have grown into.

If you have yourself to romance on Monday, then you have the most wonderful person in the world to share it with. What do you love to do? What really makes you happy? What aromas would you surround yourself with that bring back those happy memories? Baking bread, fragrant flowers, mown grass, steaks simmering on the grill? Is there anything that you have in your house that is no longer bringing you peace or happiness? Pictures that need to be replaced? Knick knacks that are no longer touchstones. Is there anything that surrounds you that you need to let go of because it no longer adds to your life. We can't make room for all the wonderful moments that the Universe has for use if we cling to old, worn-out, negative stuff that no longer works for us. We are meant to be loved and loving. We have the choice to take charge of loving ourselves or submitting to the lie that we need "something or someone" to make us whole, happy and complete. We, you and I, are already whole, happy and complete. Sometimes we just need to stop and remember that we are who we are meant to be and if we aren't at peace, serene or happy..well...do something different.

I think I'm going to make a Valentine's Box tomorrow. It won't be perfect but I bet my husband finds me with a silly smile on my face when I am done and present it to him. I am going to romance myself on Monday in all sorts of ways. I might even send myself a Valentine's Card via email. I will also attempt to rid my home of one thing that no longer brings me happiness, peace or a smile. I will also add one thing that I love. I hope you do the same.

Happy Valentine's Day, dear friend, you are loved.

Re-Tweets, Re-Posts, and Sharing

2011-02-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the blogs I read contain messages that are important, enlightening or another tool I can use in times of stress, concern, hurt, pain and doubt. Here are two that I read today. I could not do any better today then these words. May they reach your heart as well.

From clean and crazy (this is a link but it isn't showing up blue in my post) here is the url.
http://surrendertowin.blogspot.com/2011/02/college-blues.html

'Lord please put your arms around my shoulders, and your hands over my mouth...'

Here is the other one from Chris at EnchantedOak
the url
http://chrisalba-enchantedoak.blogspot.com/2011/02/happiness-pros-and-cons.html

Blogger is having issues today. Or it could be me. :-D

The Benefits of Serenity..

2011-02-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

My car wouldn't start this morning on my way to a much needed hair appointment. This has me thinking about how many times my Serenity has turned a bump in the road into another opportunity to learn, grow and be grateful. Here goes my list for today.

*I have a car. I have the money to fix the car. I have so much to do at home that could use this weekend to attend to some long over due projects.
*I have food, water, dog food, hamster food, cat food and toilet paper stocked.
*I have phone, internet, iphone, laptop, directv and books.
*I have people I can call who will temporarily sympathize with me with my car problem.
*I have a husband who loves me as I am. (BIGGEE)
*I have a beautician that understands when I cancel my appointment.
*I have a whole weekend to tend to myself and my responsibilities, a true luxury
*I have friends who will help me out in a pinch
* The rainy, cold day will mean less chance of a drought and prepare the ground for our garden.
*The ducks are happier in the rain.
*The biddies are growing quickly and are healthy.
*The dogs don't care if it is raining and I am not freaking out about mopping the floor with a mass of muddy paws prints.
*I have all that I need and most of what I want. If I don't have it, I don't need it now. I don't have to know why anymore.
*I may not know what to do in a crisis but I know what not to do.

Much love.

If you have a moment..

2011-02-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite blogs, especially when I am a bit down or on the pity pot, is Christina's Soul Aperture. Please go stroll through her ladles of love via her gift for photography and words. She needs our prayers today as she got a call-back after her ta-ta pictures. We all know the feelings that can sneak up on us and try to overwhelm us in times of uncertainty. She has given me more love, happiness, peace and moment of "Ahhhh". I appreciate you taking the time to look and pray.

Another Blizzard Post...

2011-02-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

I figure I'd join the thousand of other bloggers who are posting pics where you can't see anything. My mother took this video outside her house in Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. I grew up here and learned to drive a stick shift in this kind of crap. I live in North Carolina 2 hours from the beach. There is a reason why. For those of you who are in the midst of this stuff. My prayers are with you. Keep warm, keep safe and call those that need to be checked on. El Nino my ass.

Sunny Days..

2011-01-30T12:07:00.000-05:00

We have had a rare warm weekend amidst the frigid winter. Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor. I want to open the windows, clean out a closet, wash the car and barbecue. I love the anticipation of spring almost as much as the arrival of it. For those of us that battle depression, the blues or SAD, days like this can be a life saving peak that reminds us winter will pass. If the groundhog doesn't cooperate I'm going to be having him for dinner. Time to take my meds...

We have new biddies and that is always fun and a busy time. Coop to repair, tools to find, fencing to haul...life on the homestead. Dogs are feeling it to and refused to come inside this morning. I don't blame them. Spring is just under our skin...

Reality, though, means we go refill the propane tanks today, refill the water jugs, cook up a few days worth of chicken and do some laundry in case the water freezes this week. It's hard to work when all you want to do is play.

My son, who has battled his own demons in the past 5 years, is now working out and has gone from 150 to 198 with 17% body fat. He is 6'3" and has never looked better. He is back in school and is growing into quite the young man. I am sorry he had to learn things the hard way like I did. Nuts don't fall far from the tree.

I'm scattered today and itching to get outside so I'm off to wander and play and seek and create. I hope the sun is shining in your part of the world today..inside yourself or out!

"Fuck you" Sign language performance

2011-01-24T09:41:00.001-05:00

This is a college final for a sign language class. While I am not crazy about the rough language I think she is amazing and creative and will be the next viral video I bet. Enjoy.

All that jazz..

2011-01-23T09:49:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning and cold outside. I'm enjoying some lite jazz and coffee. Moments like this are such blessings to me and I really embrace them now. I am finding it more fulfilling to post less but be able to share a bit more. Things have been quietly flowing on our homestead but there is always something to talk about.

This past week I had been asked by a friend to say something that wasn't true in her court case . She is a good friend and probably my closest friend. We have been through alot together so when she asked me to do this I just kind of mumbled something and then stewed and fretted about it for a week. I lie. I am human and while I try not to, I do slip occasionally. However...I have never ever lied when in court. I take that whole hand-on-the-Bible thing seriously even though I don't believe in hell or damnation, I do believe in having a clear conscience. I did not know how to tell her that I couldn't help her. Well, my HP has a sense of humor...

I had texted my mom about the situation and my dilemma. Unfortunately, this text did not go to my mother but to my friend. Coincidence? I think not. I was mortified at first and extremely embarrassed. My friend was not angry and said she was sorry she had put me in the position. My dilemma had resolved itself. I still feel embarrassed that I did not have the cohones to tell her right up front. I am working through that part. Damn.

I avoid OPD (Other People's Drama) like the plague these days. I am not sure if it is a setting of boundaries or it is just that I have been through enough of my own making that I just don't have the desire to do the whole drama-merry-go-round again when I am not involved. I feel a bit selfish but is that a bad thing when it comes to my serenity and sanity? What is my part? I need to share with my friend that I care for her and will always be here for her in any way that I can and am able. There are some things that I can not do. Talking honestly about how I feel, my boundaries and taking care of myself in a mature, kind and loving way is still hard for me. I still have that old need to please people, not cause problems, not rock the boat and avoid displeasure of others. This is another opportunity to learn. Yay.

I will pray about it and ask for help in having the courage to be honest and firm. I know that I am making this a much bigger issue in my head than it probably is so I will pray for the ability to keep my perspective in balance. A big lesson for me.

We are expecting more winter weather in a few days so we are off to the big town of Raleigh today. We will wander the aisles of Harborfreight and go have some awesome seafood for lunch. Then it is back home to tend doggies, hearth and home. Keep warm and hug someone who needs it today.

Frozen squirrels and new goals...

2011-01-13T17:39:00.000-05:00

I would have bet that I would never have titled this blog like I did today. I have had a 3 week break and I think it helped me to step away for a bit. A new year, a new perspective and a frozen squirrel. I walked the dogs this morning. It was early and cold. As soon as I got down the front steps I saw what looked like a stuffed squirrel laying in our yard. Completely intact. Completly dead...and frozen. Our cat was gloating on the steps. I guess frozen squirrel isn't very appetizing. I took pictures and a video which got promptly uploaded to FB and sent to various family members. Some saw the humor, some didn't. I thought I could either get grossed out and fuss at the cat and whine to my husband to dispose of it or I could roll with it and max out the social sharing opportunity. I'm weird that way.

On to the new goals. I have a list in my head that has evolved over 16 years since I first walked into my first Al-Anon meeting and was introduced to the Twelve Steps. This list has grown and shrunk, reflected positive and negative thoughts, been judgmental before I learned forgiveness, and is now realistic, simple and reflects my hopes, wishes, goals, and dreams. I pick it up most days and really try to do at least one thing that will move me a bit closer to those dreams. Some days I don't even think about it and some days I even sabotage myself. Those days are few and far between now as long as I take it and live it one day at a time.

This past holiday season was different. Not bad, just different. It was easier, quieter with each day kind of gently rolling into the next. I didn't think about the past except remembering the wonderful times I had as a child. I didn't stress much when travel plans took a dive. Even my Gratitude Cards went out 3 weeks late. I wrote that I am not late, I am 11 months early. Humor is a frequent tool of mine.

The new year rolled in gently as well. I can't explain exactly what quiet excitement is but that is what I feel now. I am chosing to carry less baggage with me into the new year. I am also looking at those things that I am not quite ready to let go of. I am replacing some bad habits with good ones, slowly. I am grateful that I can get up and be a part of this experience. I feel needed and in place. That is the only gift I need this year.

I am glad to be back. I will probably post more intermittently but with no less passion, love, or humor. To have the time to catch up with everyone is also a blessing. I missed it.

A Sigh of Relief...

2010-12-26T02:52:00.000-05:00

I wonder how many others sighed a bit of relief tonite knowing that Christmas was over? I was really surprised when I sat down tonite at the computer after having a long nap due to massive amount of carbs earlier in the day. I felt relief. Then I felt a twinge of guilt for feeling relief. And yes, I took my meds today.

I remember one particular Christmas when the boys were about 8 and 5. I took them to my parents for Christmas and the gifts for them were a bit sparse as they were also going to have a Christmas when they got back to their dad. I think there were 2 or 3 gifts for them and 1 big one, a train set if I remember correctly. I can still see it like it was yesterday. The look on my son's face after he opened the second gift which I think was clothes. He looked at me with an expression that I hope to never see again. It wasn't disappointment so much as it was sadness. A Christmas morning and not much in the way of the excitement and expectation for the boys that I had known as a child. I felt horrible all day and I remember crying at the thought that here was one more instance of how I was a failure as a mother. I am glad I can look back but now dwell there anymore.

They survived and I doubt they even remember it as clearly as I do. Kids are resilient. Having 48 Christmases under my belt might be one of the reasons that I feel a bit lighter tonite in spirit and mood. I had a nice Christmas today. I got to spend it with my husband and ate dinner with one of my best friends and her family like we do many holidays. We had our "girls" gift exchange last night at her house and laughed until we thought we were going to need Depends. I got to talk to both of my parents and the boys. I am home now, nice and warm, while a winter snow storm is dumping snow outside. I will take pictures in the morning like I always do when we get snow. The dogs, all 11, are worn out and snoozing around the house in various piles of snoring bliss. Even the cats have called it a night. The Duck Patrol never sleeps and they were about their rounds when I went outside to retrieve the coconut cake I had to bring home since I was too full to eat dessert earlier. Ducks make the weirdest snow prints.

I am relieved that Christmas has past. I am not sad and I had a wonderful day. I am not sure why I am relieved and I think that is my problem. I think that some part of it is that the holidays causes me to look backwards. I remember previous holidays, times missed, people gone, relationships changing, financial situations stressed and that time is passing more quickly now for me. I like beginnings, starting anew, looking forward, hoping, planning, wishing and creating. I think of Christmas as time to acknowledge the gift of being able to be re-born, spiritually and metaphysically, and look to the future as a child does, with wonder, awe, excitement and endless possibilities without any limits or boundaries.

I can't move ahead or cherish this moment without acknowledging the past. I think my relief comes from being grateful that the past is where it belongs and I don't have to relive it. New Year's will be here and I don't participate in the partying or revelry anymore. New Year's, for me, is a time of letting go, clearing out and seeking clarity for the year ahead. I want to be clear headed and spiritually receptive. I prefer to spend this time alone, quietly, surrounded by the things and people that I love. I use all sorts of different things to accomplish my rituals and it brings me so much peace and pleasure. I am looking forward now.

The Luxury of Time...

2010-12-22T14:45:00.001-05:00

I have found myself with a day without obligations except my unending to-do list. The luxury of having time to just be, indulge myself, take time to stop and hear, feel, taste, see, absorb...amazing. I have to admit that I am a recovering procrastinator and having idle time hasn't really been an issue for me. I go to ECU online (Go Pirates!) and tend the homestead, which is a never ending job that I love. I will be applying to substitute teach in a few weeks and repair computers occasionaly. This leaves me a lot of unstructured time and I will be honest and admit that I have spent much of that time sleeping, napping, and endless hours in front of the computer. This has led to regrets that I feel now about the wasted time. I am dealing with that regret and making the changes I can with ALOT of prayer. Anyway..

Today I am using the time to do some things that are good for me but not fun to do. I am going to prepare a nice dinner that will indulge our palattes. I have incense and a fire in the fireplace going that fill the house with a dreamy aroma. I am getting out the heavy duty cleaning stuff to do the floors. I am spending extra time with our two new rescue dogs who still cringe when we go to pet them. It takes time with shelter dogs because you never know their history. I will talk to my kids today and get back to some meditative tools that I have missed.

I am so grateful to the bloggers that make up my extended family. I have learned so much and shared a kindred spirit that is such a gift from the Universe. I caught up on so many blogs today and have such a full feeling of what I share with each and every one of you. In good times and tough times, we are okay, no matter what.

Today, I will spend the time I have in a planned, conscience and serene way, doing those things that are in front of me and enjoying being here, now. Whatever time you have today, revel in the person that is you.

By feeling badly, I'll be good to myself?

2010-12-19T16:13:00.001-05:00

Al-anon (and life) have taught me so much that has helped me help myself. I have been experiencing an old dance that I'm sure is familiar to everyone, especially those who have gotten off the merry-go-round. Here is just a short summary of the how it was, what happened and how it is now.

I have a few glaring character defects that were so intertwined, it was hard for me to peel that particular onion but I finally kept it simple and came up with the following list;

Fear of belonging led to self-hatred and no self-esteem.
No self-esteem led me to develop unhealthy habits that reinforced my own worthlessness.
These habits of procrastination, poor hygiene, poor housekeeping, over-eating, inactivity and smoking fed on themselves and the end result was unmanageable for a very long time.

I have taken these one at a time and will continue keeping up with my inventory until the day I leave this realm. This isn't what I want to write about, though. It is how hard it can be to not slip backwards when I allow people into my life that continue to see me and treat me as I was, years and years ago, instead of who I am now. I have empathy for those recovered alcoholics whose families won't go to Al-anon so they insist on living in the sick past. I have reached for the BB more than once to understand.

Anyway, two people in the past week have decided to dance this particular dance with me, hoping I would join in like I used to. It goes something like this.

Them: I don't understand how you can ::insert character defect::. I know you really want ::insert their expectation:. What I do, is ::insert their solution::.

Me: I understand. I have to start where I am today. I really appreciate your concern. I am not stupid. I do realize these things and will do as I have done to continue moving forward. I am happy where I am, where I live and although I am not where I want to be, I am better than I have ever been.

blah blah, repeat, blah blah, then conversation ends with one frustrated person and me (still standing firm but needing to end this conversation)

The other conversatios was a bit more ugly as I wasn't getting upset, accepting the guilt, shame or anger that was being thrown at me. It wasn't funny but the more I stayed calm, reasserted my position, enforced my boundaries and detached, the other person's face got redder, voice louder and the language more hurtful. That conversation ended with visit cut short. C'est la vie.

The most amazing part is that after both of those very intense and uncomfortable situations, the light bulb came on. Gotta love those light bulbs. I AM GETTING BETTER. I am not going to treat myself better by accepting the guilt or shame that other's might have me feel. I will not be motivated to change those things I can if it is to make others happy or be more acceptable. What other people say of me, think of me or wish me to accept is NOT MY BUSINESS. I have heard these suggestions for years and years in the rooms. I really learned them this week.

I teach people how to treat me. If I don't love me and treat myself accordingly than I will allow all sorts of unhealthy, negative, unloving, damaging, and toxic crap into my life. I can't do that, any more than a drunk can work in a bar safely. That is my opinion only, for me.

I am able to laugh at myself, have empathy for those that I love that don't have a program or a spiritual foundation, and let it go. Gratitude, once again, is where I retreat to get back to a safe and secure place inside. I have a part to play and it is best to let the Universe lead the way.

Hat hair

2010-12-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

I've taken to wearing a hat all day and night since it hasn't been much above freezing for over a week. We had a mild (to me) winter storm come through the area. About an inch of snow, some sleet, some freezing rain which ended up a big pile of mushy stuff by tonite. The roads have some slick spots though. Schools were cancelled today and are canceled tomorrow. I grew up in the midwest. My mother would have told me to walk to school if I had complained about this weather. We are a tough bunch!

I have hat hair now. It looks like a cross between Rob Pattinson and Alfalfa with a little Don King thrown in. I will get to take a hot bath tomorrow if the water unfreezes. My hair will look good until I put the hat on again. I'm not a fashionista in the other seasons and even less in winter. I wear whatever socks are warm out of the dryer, I make sure to have long underwear always available and my hat is purple. Purple goes with everything, right?

My trip back home for xmas is having to be postponed. I am okay with that. I don't sweat much these days about things like this. If the weather keeps up, I will get out my needle work and hunker down to create some new hats for myself. And some footies. In fact, I think I might try to make a pair of footy jammies. That will take me till next year to finish, better stick with the hats.

We just made a midnight run to the local c-store and the Krispy Kreme donuts had just been delivered. Coincidence? I think not. So I'm going to tuck myself in with a few puppies, a blueberry donut, the remote control and see what is on.

Holiday and Winter Blues

2010-12-14T13:05:00.000-05:00

I'm one of those people that has to be especially vigilant about the state of my insides this time of year. The shorter days mean less sunshine to bask in. The season brings cold days, inclement weather and winds that push me to spend more time indoors. I find myself forcing a cheery outlook and I consider myself an overly optimistic person. Situations, disagreements, intensely emotional encounters send me inward, withdrawing and isolating. These behaviors are rooted in my youth. I recongnize them but that doesn't make it easier to overcome them this time of year. I sometimes wish I were a bear where hibernating was an acceptable behavior . Alas, I am a homo sapian and these reactions can send me into a spiral that even with my medication, it seems like I am swimming in honey trying to reach the calm surface. That is where I am today. I don't like it but I do accept that this is something I have to live with, temporarily, and work my way through to a better place the best way I can, in whatever time it takes me. It is a daunting task at best.

I know it is hard for people who aren't affected like this to understand the immense amount of guilt, shame, confusion, self-recrimination and helplessness that I wade through. Don't get me wrong, I am much better than I was and, for this, I have hope that this too, shall pass, and it does, eventually. I have often heard that when I am feeling anything negative, it just means I am metaphorically in a hallway waiting for another door to open. It is the time in the hallway between doors that I find almost unbearable. I want something to happen, to change how I am feeling, to help me move out of this funk. I used to create drama in order to cope or distract myself. I don't do that anymore, thank the Universe. But the waiting is so hard.

I have to accept that it is okay for me to be where I am. I judge myself more harshly than anyone except those old tapes that run in my head. I am okay where I am. I will be okay where I am. I don't have to don a Santa hat and go caroling in order to acknowledge this season and what it means to me. Many religions view this time of the year as a time of reflection and preparation. I like that. Maybe I am exactly where I need to be in order to take some time out and reflect about the year, about myself, about my life, beliefs, goals and blessings. I like that too. I can turn this around. Instead of isolation and depression, I can change how I look at this time. Maybe I am suppose to spend some time with myself and face this head on. I am worthy of all that good in this life. I am a child of the Universe and important. I am unique and special, not wrong and estranged from others. I am celebrating this season by honoring what is real in me and accepting that maybe, this year, I will listen to the message that my Guide is gently nudging me to face, spend time with, understand and grow. One step further on my path in this realm. I really like that view. I think I'll go with that.

If you are struggling, I understand and you are not alone. If you don't want to reach out, or "get over it" (as some well meaning people suggest), and are tired of pretending and defending, that is okay. You do not owe me or anyone else an apology. If you feel you need some help, pick up the phone and take care of yourself. Ask for help if you need it to take care of yourself. If you aren't ready, that is okay too. All I ask is that you realize wherever you are right now, there is a reason and that you will be okay, you will be better than okay, if you just take a breath, stop for a bit, and listen to yourself, the part of you that you trust, that loves you and whispers to you when you need reassurance, guidance or love. It is there. I'm going to be okay, I'm not sure how long it will be this time, but I will be okay. So will you, my dear sister and brother.