Odd, Good, True

Sunday Announcement

2012-01-01T10:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Beloved Readers,

Hello. My name is Cooper and I am the dog that so often models for this site. I cannot tell you how many times I may be minding my own business, sniffing my male parts or foraging for petrified pieces of whole wheat pasta that may be trapped under that gold mine space between the kitchen floor and the bottom of the stove and Cupcake will descend upon me with her camera taking photographs of my nostrils until I demand a pay raise. Never happens.

Anyway, the photograph above was taken when Cupcake told me that the fresh, sparkly, nine million times better version of this blog has been created and if I wanted to see it I should rocket my paws over to:

www.OddGoodTrue.com

to check out all the vast newness there, so that's where I'm headed, toot suite.

Oh, how I hope that you'll come with me. It'll be ever so much fun!

See You Soon,
Reverend Cooper C. Murphy
Author
Barking the Divine

Things I Don't Understand, Items 404 thru 406

2011-12-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

404. How they get Sauvignon Blanc to taste like buffalo armpits
405. Why the Mayan calendar didn't mention any prophecies about 2011 being The Year That Would Produce the Most Photographs of Brutal Dictators Having the Worst Hair Days of Their Lives
406. Jazz that becomes upsetting

Cooper Being Woody Allen in Zelig

2011-12-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Here he miraculously transforms his entire body into hardwood floor panelling as everyone within eye shot gasps in wonder.

Of his astounding ability to turn into whatever or whoever he was near, including the entire Mormon Tabernacle choir, a horse fly and lime jello, he once said "No big whoop."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

2011-12-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM A HUSBAND AND HIS PILES OF WIRES.

Screw your jumbled up and tangled mayhem,
Odelette Orderly
President
Where Have All the Bare Surfaces Gone?, Inc.

Sunday Prayer

2011-12-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I know you are not the one in charge of things, even though you have the largest black shiny belt on earth and your bushy eyebrows --- the way you allow them to run amok --- are a testament to the beauty of being comfortable in your own skin, but could you throw a little Ease and Fluidity and Unshakable Confidence in my stocking this Christmas so that I may move forward into this next year with a certain unstoppable momentum that buoys me instead of overwhelms me and while you're at it can you take my tired longing for all that does not reflect my own goodness and can you replace that longing with a wise and constant voice that is louder and clearer than all the darkness that is so easy to cover myself over with.

Over and out,
Tina Tinselheart

Saturday SlobberLove

2011-12-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes on Saturday, when the lunatics we live with are busy making a racket downstairs, assigning food that hasn't even been prepared yet to dishes and platters and bowls, we like to take a little breather and tip toe up to the quietest part of the house and listen for the sound of overweight man feet and reindeer hooves walking on the roof and if we are able to achieve total silence we swear we can smell the aroma of Pupperonis soaring across the late afternoon sky and straight into our eager nostrils.

Go, Santa, Go,
Baby Jesus of the Badbreathlehem

Things I Don't Understand, Items 401 thru 403

2011-12-23T21:13:00.000-08:00

401. The color of Newt Gingrich's wife's hair
402. How mutinous pajama bottoms can be
403. Why someone doesn't shoot a torpedo straight into the faces of newscasters who psychotically harp on the whole Zany Christmas Shoppers Who Wait Until the Last Minute! story angle

Cooper Being Keanu Reeves in Point Break

2011-12-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

"Am I as handsome as I think I am?" he asks a nearby production assistant.

Tuesday Expert Advice

2011-12-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Cupcake,

I've been using Facebook for about a year and I've noticed that there are some buttons missing. I get the Like and Share buttons. I use those a lot---just to give a shout out to my FB homies if you know what I mean. But I was wondering if you knew where the following buttons are because I cannot find them:

*You and your partner are late stage alcoholics and should go to the emergency room
*Unjustifiably Conceited
*Do you think you'll ever stop?
*I doubt your story
*It seems like you practice your smile in the mirror
*Thank you for showing me how petty and judgmental I am
*Loathe
*Too much nose hair
*Cornball, About To Unfriend

Do I need to download a specific app in order to get these to work or should I just get goin' on my feedback in the comment section?
---Eagerly Waiting To Offer Input In Ypsilanti

Dear Input,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

2011-12-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

I know it Tis the Season of Love and Joy and Reynolds Wrap and Orange Zest and Glenfiddich and all that but just so you know Tis also the Season of Receiving You-Dead-Lil-Missy Looks Just Because You Don't Have a PhD In Tim Tebow.

If you need me I'll be hiding in my stocking,
Dumbshit, The Unknowingest Elf

Sunday Prayer

2011-12-18T18:35:00.000-08:00

That’s what it is. It’s that I lost him. It’s that I saw him, leaving---in the act of leaving---AS he was leaving, and I ran into the room and I threw my body across him.

Don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave. Don’t leave me.

His eyes are not his now. I see that he is not in this room with me. With us.

“Is he dying? Is he dying?” we ask the hospice nurse.

I want him to know how much I love him. I want him to know that he was a good father.

The best father. The finest father who showed me how to be. How to overcome struggle. He had this way about him. He had this simple grounded way of being.

“You were always my metronome,” I tell him, “I will always strive to be more like you.”

Above all. Above everything and all of this---I do not want him to go. But my sister and I tell him that it’s okay for him to leave. I think we’ve read this somewhere or we just know it in our bones like how you know it is not polite to pry.

Maybe he will be able to breathe freely now. Big, wide open breaths from the bottom of his belly. And lots of walking.

We’re still worried he will be lost without us.

I know I’ll be lost without him. My fan club. My advocate. That face with those sweet eyes. I will miss the way he looked at me. Proud. Loyal.

His view of me is what I clung to.

But in this moment I am the one to hold onto his delicate hand and whisper to him that he was the best and that he is my hero and such good company and that I hope he knows that.

I mix tenses in the midst of death.

Mostly I know I don’t want him to go. Mostly I know I will never recover even though I know he will want me to, I won’t.

I’ll stay here, terrified, with my sister. We will usher him out knowing there will now just be two of us. Two of what was once three. It is this thought that we will spend the rest of our lives processing.

Mostly I want him to know that I will always wonder what he was thinking as he left. Did he know it was the three of us together in those last moments? Did he know that we rallied around him to hold his hand and tell him we loved him and make sure his pillow was placed just right? Did he feel our presence and our love? Did he understand that we would never be the same without him?

Maybe this is why I chase beauty. Maybe this is why I long for a glimpse of that beach or sky or bird or smile or shadow or moon that envelopes me and takes me to that particular place that is equal parts beauty and equal parts pain.

He told me once that to see the world in a way that does it justice is to be thin skinned because that is the only way that all of it can get through. And as it does get through, even though it feels amazing, it feels simply awful all at the same time.

Here's to all the thin skinned ones. Here's to the scary beauty, everywhere making us shake in our bones and reminding us of everything we've ever known.

You say boo-hoo like it's a bad thing,

Big Mama Maudlin

Things I Don't Understand, Items 398 thru 400

2011-12-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

398. Pickled herring
399. The color periwinkle
400. Bullies

Cooper Being Mata Hari

2011-12-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

In this photo, taken from his book How To Be An Interloper, he demonstrates the advanced Neck-Stretch-Over-Chair-Arm technique that he infamously used to eavesdrop on and then overtake a gathering of distracted panko encrusted apricot pork chop, flaky dinner roll and roasted potato eaters, thereby enabling him to acquire the most gigantic and prolonged ground score of all time.

Tuesday Expert Advice

2011-12-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Cupcake,

I am aware that Apple and Microsoft and Google and that lady that lives in iPhones are in the process of taking over the world but do you know if these devices will eventually make my beloved potholders obsolete and, if so, should my menu planning be focused solely on lukewarm foods?
---Freaked Out and Forlorn in Folsom

Dear Freaked,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

2011-12-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hello class. Here are the Age Bracket Guidelines regarding when you can use the word "toot" when you're talking about farting:

In utero - age four: YES

Age four - death: NO

If you think this is a joke---think again,
Professor Punch In Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 395 thru 397

2011-12-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

395. Christmas songs sung by Fiona Apple
396. How wrong it feels that other people drive on my favorite
secret shortcut street
397. Who, exactly, determines the preparation time for recipes

Cooper Being Julia Roberts in Flatliners

2011-12-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

The toothy actress, seen here in a coma on the set, fell in love with Kiefer Sutherland while filming the star studded thriller.

"It was a combination of his unlaced high top sneakers, his trench coat, his bi-level poodle haircut and his binge drinking," he says, swooning.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

2011-12-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I was driving behind a bright white extra jumbo Cadillac Escalade and at first when I saw it careen in front of me after not stopping at the 4-Way stop we found ourselves I was quite alarmed because it appeared out of nowhere and it looked so much like the continent of Antarctica that I thought I was about to be ramrodded by a glacier but I was relieved to see that it was just a super duper building sized SUV with an angry lady who looked, ironically, like a seal wearing a LOT of makeup and after she nearly sideswiped me and stuck her big fat car butt in my face I noticed a bumper sticker that said:

IF NOT FOR LOVE THEN WHY?

And she was in too much of a rage filled skirmish with other drivers at the time but had she slowed down for just a moment I could have told her: CHEETOS.

I Calls 'em Likes I Sees 'em,
Henrietta Honker

Saturday SlobberLove

2011-12-03T18:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes on Saturday we like to gnaw ourselves into such a Chew Trance that the only thing to bring us back into this dimension is the sound of the Greenies package opening and every time this mystical scenario happens we freeze with joy because we simply cannot believe the limitless quality of our glorious bounty.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 392 thru 394

2011-12-03T01:43:00.000-08:00

392. Adele's hair
393. The way midwifery is pronounced
394. Why Giada De Laurentiis has to smile like a crazy killer person when she has so much going for her

Cooper Being Peter Finch in Network

2011-11-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

Thought of by many as The Original Occupier, he often recited his famous I'm Mad As Hell and I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore! protest while standing in the 15 item express check-out line behind some idiot with 45 items.

Tuesday Expert Advice

2011-11-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Cupcake,

This morning, when I was watching the Today Show, I saw an interview with a boy named Colton Burpo who wrote a book titled, Heaven Is For Real, about how he went to heaven. And it is for real. And in the interview he regaled everyone with all the incredible details about how he walked around heaven and how he met the lord (I mean hot damn, right?) and how he is going to write another book. And as I listened to him I wondered if you think it would be okay to ask little Colton why, if he spent so much time shufflin' around the pearly gates in his Vans, did he not make a pit stop at the Identity Department in order to figure out what IN THE HELL he did to earn the last name of BURPO or do you think any poking around in this area will result in Saint El Burpito unleashing an army of fiery chariots on me?
---Squinty Eyed with Suspicion in Syracuse

Dear Squinty,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things That Are Easier Than Trying To Explain How To Get the Television Back On Channel 3 So the Cable Will Start Working Again To Your Aging Parent Over the Phone

2011-11-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

1. Assembling a nuclear bomb in the pitch dark

2. Driving your car using only your nose

3. Climbing Mount Everest while carrying all three of the Black Eyed Peas
on your back

4. Getting Kanye West and Jerry Falwell on the same page

5. Winning the Kentucky Derby riding a Cuisinart

Saturday SlobberLove

2011-11-26T17:36:00.000-08:00

There are some faces I never get tired of looking at. My sister's children possess two of those faces. They are possibly the only two faces that thrill me with their gorgeousness every single time I see them.

My sister and I used to spend good portions of whole afternoons talking about how it was almost bizarre how cute my nephew was and when my niece was born we would stare at her while she watched Barney and furrow our brows because we simply could not process her cuteness.

It is almost as if they are too cute to comprehend. This is how we explained it to ourselves.

Looking back, I know now that they were indeed incredibly cute but as they grow into young people who will become adults I see that their faces remind me how far my heart can stretch and how important it is to be kind and that they gracefully carry a certain open awareness that shines such a bright light of hope and strength that it is hard to ever look away.

You Can Call Me Auntie,
Deputy of Doting
Heart Bursting Precinct
Continually Astonished Division

Things I Don't Understand, Items 389 thru 391

2011-11-25T20:04:00.000-08:00

389. Why Justin Bieber doesn't pull his pants up
390. Black Friday camp out people
391. When Rachel Ray does that thing where she carries 57 ingredients from the pantry to her cutting board like she's a pack mule who'll be shot if she doesn't do it all in one trip