OFF THE TRACK

Pebbles

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 03:45:00 +0000

Small oval pebbles.. Some smooth, some coarse... transparent, translucent, opaque...jaded green, reddish brown, aqua blue, deep black, lily cream..
They were strewn suspended all around me, floating in random motion. It was breathtakingly beautiful - out of this world. I ran around catching them, stuffing them into the big pockets of my overalls. I remembered vaguely that I loved collecting pebbles as a child. I had quite a huge collection. I was proud of it back then. But who cared about childhood. It was far away, like a blurry platform scene receding into the darkness as you travelled in a metro-train at night. My pockets were getting filled up quickly. But I didn’t want to stop. I needed to find a place to keep them, and I needed to do it fast. This was worrisome. Somebody inside was asking me to hurry up, that the pebbles weren’t going to last for long.
My temples were throbbing painfully. These awful headaches kept recurring. I didn’t know why. Blinding white light..screams..the pebbles were disappearing fast. What was going on? I covered my ears and closed my eyes tight. I had a splitting headache. After a while the noise subsided to a hum, like a buzzing lonely drone. When I opened my eyes I saw the old dusty fan whirring away in a dizzying motion. I tried to sit up. I was nauseous. There were beads around me.It had fallen out of my broken chain. I had taken it from Anne, before she left..yes..she had left me..silly kid..she left me..why couldn’t she stay at home..I couldn’t watch her all the time..i had asked her to stay in..i had work to do..work..it wasn’t important..because it is Sunday..Anne left on Sunday or was it today? Anyway nothing was important now..except..except what..? Nothing important remained..all that remained was me..hahaha..me!!!
I couldn’t breathe. Was it like this for her..? I snuffed in what was remaining of the colourless powder..and lay back on the floor.This stuff was good, just as he promised it would be.
The tightening feeling in my chest was going away. The fan was buzzing too loudly. Or was it a bee? Hmmm..it must be a bee. I could feel the pebbles in my pocket again. But where did the bee go? Oh! These pebbles were beautiful! I started collecting them. And Anne was helping me. She smiled at me and I winked at her, as we always did when we shared a little secret. I started stuffing the pebbles into my pocket again. Small oval pebbles.. some smooth, some coarse.. transparent, translucent, opaque.. jaded green, reddish brown, aqua blue, deep black, lily cream..

Random Ramblings 19

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 03:01:00 +0000

I’m glad God created memories..to cherish some beautiful feelings, sweet emotions , unsaid words, breathtaking moments that would otherwise be impossible to hold onto..to lock them in my heart safely forever J

The Other Side

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 07:03:00 +0000

I see her looking at me.

She smiled. Yet I felt she was trying to stifle a sigh and that her calm demeanor was a mere facade. Her eyes were tired, but they spoke louder than anything she ever said. I remembered what my friend had once remarked about her – an enigma. Sure she was one. I had been with her since the day I could remember, but I still couldn’t possibly guess what thoughts lay shrouded behind those small keen eyes. And she knew that.

She was giving me a crooked smile now.

I wish I could tell her how much I liked her. I loved her pranks, her sense of humor, zest for life, the way she alternated between her dreamy and pragmatic selves and the stupid things she did so often. I even loved her defiance, her total arrogance, bitter sarcasm and fiery temperament. I wish I could tell her all that I loved about her. She couldn’t possibly know. Even if she did, she didn’t seem to take notice or acknowledge or reciprocate. Sometimes she was so cold, detached and harsh that it hurt me. I couldn’t help, but wonder how the laughing girl pulling my leg could suddenly transform into someone grave and reticent. It scared me. But there was something about her that wouldn’t let me give up.

For me, she wasn’t weird. But special. And very special indeed.

But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I didn’t know how she would take it. And anyway I had little doubt it was going to change anything between us. Most probably she would laugh it off and forget it, if she was in a good mood. Else she would raise an eyebrow, shrug and rudely dismiss it saying she needed no sympathies.

She was watching me with amusement, like a critic confidant of finding flaws. I knew she wasn’t very impressed with the way I looked - unruly hair sticking out weirdly here and there, the carefree way I wore my clothes, my glasses that was nearly a decade old. But there was warmth in the way she looked at me, before she turned and walked away from the mirror.

Bad Mood: Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 05:49:00 +0000

I think I’m stressed out.

I can’t find any other possible explanation as to why I’m whiling away time this unproductively. Not that all my days are very productive always. It’s far from that. But the distinct difference between my usual spells of wasteful days and the current period is that quite unlike the former times, I now have this irksome desire within me to do something fruitful..which as I already mentioned is proving to be a nuisance for me.

Let me tell you what’s behind this irritating motivation..CAT..yeah..I am writing it again this time. One of my friends (he’s like Hamlet) managed to convince me to give a try. What I didn’t realize at that point of time was that contrary to what he usually claims, he is a believer in miracles. I used to be, in my college days, when I ,who has no merit to my credit, inexplicably cleared exams. But nowadays, I don’t see many a miracle. Life of a software engineer is very predictable, even more when one is a female working in a conservative society (I can handle dumb people. But very educated yet narrow minded people are simply intolerable!!!). As I was saying (I have a huge tendency to digress) I’m nearly 99% sure that I won’t make it even if I work for CAT. So my conscience (my conscience is usually very passive) right now keeps poking and prodding and pricking whenever I’m doing nothing. And it’s happening very often lately. The result being that its getting on my nerves and I am freaking out. As a result of this I am not studying a word, which brings me back to the beginning of the unpleasant ironic cycle.

I thought I’d calm myself a bit by reading a book. But the book I chose was the kind that would trigger a whole lot of conflicting sentiments even in the calmest person. So I’m worse off than when I started.

And so here I am, blogging away, trying to figure out what exactly my bad mood is all about. There’s actually more to it. But I don’t think neither you or I can handle it right now. So I will keep it for the next post.

Signing off, not so cheerfully,

Au Revoir

PS : Don’t expect this post or any of its sequels to make sense.

My take

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 11:10:00 +0000

At times its good that bad things happen in life..don’t get me wrong here..I’m not out of my mind..I’m completely sane..and no, I’m not attending any philosophy classes..I still hate it..

But it’s true. At times its good that things go totally wrong..and you are left without choices..and you can’t possibly think of a time when you were this screwed..because those times teach you a zillion things more than a whole month of goody goody times.

And after a while, you learn to ignore it..and yet be happy and smiling and calm within..

What Meera (my best friend since sixth grade) said is true..she said theres a peak beyond which it will stop hurting..yes, very true..after you scale the peak..the journey down is kind of calm..like a white cloud..a rippleless lake..lucid, serenity could be the words..

I know it ‘cause that’s where I am..and I did learn..

It’s ok to like the people who hurt me, though it doesn’t make sense, because it makes me happy..it makes me feel light (though it doesn’t show on the scales..aww.. now that was a bad joke :P )

And its ok not to mourn at times even when people find it weird and makes them doubt my integrity..because it makes me feel like a rubber ball..the stronger I’m thrown down, the higher I bounce back.

It’s fine not to say daily prayers at times and get lost day dreaming about Tibet or Rio during the sermons in church..as long as you truly love the Guy who created you.

Its ok to make plans and have them ditched, and make plans again..it means I will never cease dreaming.

It’s alright to be confused and crazy and silly even when you know it isn’t one of the wisest and most prudent ways to be..because other people’s judgments don’t matter much. What matters is how I feel and how I am going to feel as long as it doesn’t hurt others.

This is my take on life..this is being me..

I just want to live fully..because after some 50 years, I’ll think of these days and remember all those moments brimming with happiness and love and tears and will smile toothlessly through my wrinkles J

One wild guess

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 03:40:00 +0000

What is this feeling?

Desperation..? Loneliness..? Uncertainty? Or fear that I’m left without a plan? It’s like reaching a crossroad..with no signs to guide..no people to ask for directions. And even if there was somebody I could ask, I can’t be sure he knows where I should be going..

*sigh

So, what is it that I’m feeling?

Confused? Lost? Well..is there a single word that can actually explain it? May be I’m feeling it all..

And the next inevitable question follows..Gosh! What do I do? I can’t stand here.. I need to go on..but to where? How do I decide?

It’s like going to a boutique. You see that perfect salwar..you go near it, you touch it..hold it close..smile at the dress, at the walls, at yourself in the mirror..you like the way it brings out the colour in your cheeks..and you look for the price tag..and Ouch..! you can’t afford it..so you ask the salesperson to show you those salwars that won’t make your purse unbearably lighter. After going through the entire collection..you decide..Na.the one I want is not here.

It’s all about compromises. But how do you compromise wisely without compromising heavily? That’s the trick..

Which road should I choose so that I wouldn’t regret later? I have no clue. After a while desperation takes over..I can’t stand here and see my life walking out on me.

So I make one random wild guess..yeah this ought to be the one for me..And I go down that lonely road.. scared,yes..but smiling too, that I finally did choose a way and I’m gonna walk it till the end.

Random Ramblings 18

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:19:00 +0000

What do I look for in a job? For me its satisfaction or appreciation.

I’m gonna quit, the day I can’t find both.

Lure of Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 08:14:00 +0000

Oh dear, don’t make me wish more

Don’t make me hope for…

Can’t stop dreaming

My heart wouldn’t stop yearning

I’m weak in the lure of your call

Don’t stir up emotions in my soul,

Waking memories, freezing times flow,

Melting darkness as embers of hope glow.

Oh dear, I don’t know me anymore

Lost I’m, is this love?

I catch me smile,

Even in lonely whiles.

The twinkle of the stars up high,

I see in my lustrous eyes.

Did I hear me hum a song?

Was I thinking of you all along?

Oh! It makes no sense, my wild lass

Yet; Freedom; I doubt my love for you would pass…

check..check

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 08:01:00 +0000

Hi..

Checking whether I can blog through this mail id..

Keeping my fingers crossed.. :/

I hope it works..

Hiya!!!!

It worked J

You are gonna see me more often hereafter J

Random ramblings 17

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 15:58:00 +0000

You become a loser only when you lose hope.

Random ramblings 16

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 15:58:00 +0000

Can't get a grip on my feelings,
wish they were plain black or white.
The greys leave me reeling,
can't make out,whichs wrong,whats right.

Random ramblings 15

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 15:58:00 +0000

I wish someone could convince me that it was alright to give up on some things in life, that its alright to stop trying after a while

Random Ramblings 14

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:03:00 +0000

Charity is more than a deed. It is an attitude.

For all those who are in love

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 11:28:00 +0000

Love..the very word triggers a gamut of emotions within..each one unique yet inexplicably intertwined,dissolving into each other..maybe a dimpled blush..twinkle in shy eyes..tears giving way to a heartfelt smile.. Love..soft..tender.. caressing.. yet strong..deep.. ovrwhelming.. like a ripple,tiny the first second but all over and all around the next moment..
i bet you know how it is to be in love..everyones been in love atleast once or more probably, more than once..i have been in love many times..with my dear loving mom, my caring dad..my ever doting sister n brother..my sweet angel cum bestfriend cum study-buddy,my crazy friends..god!how deeply im in love with them! :-)
This Valentine's Day is for all those who are in love and all those who love being in love..for Love..

Labyrinth

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 08:40:00 +0000

I wandered off in thoughts
got lost in a labyrinth of sorts.
Every turn,whether left or right,
brought me back to the very same sights.
On either side walls loomed high,
stifling even my deepest sighs.
Confused,tired,i wondered,
tears or despair-which left me blinded?
Though hazy,i began to see,
pictures of her and then of me.
There was happiness, there was pain,
but there also was love,all the same.
I sat numb,was it cold or regret?
Had i really tried my very best?
I wished this day was in the past,
i wished time hadnt flown so fast.
I had loved,with all my heart and mind,
But,did she see in me, what she hoped to find?
I shook my head,trying to toss memories astray,
i closed my eyes shutting painful sights away.
I felt her touch my cheeks,
i opened my eyes, she hugged, said its a dream.
It took me a while to recognise,
those were fears of my labyrinthine mind.

All thats New and Nonsense! :-)

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 04:34:00 +0000

Was going through a couple of posts that had piled up in my blog reader..thats when i realised i had forgotten my usual-never-lived-upto-yet-always-taken-resolution-post! Well,anyway its too late for a new year post now.Jans almost over,though i dont seem to be able to remember the date..i keep track of only fridays,saturdays and sundays..and 29th of every month (Yaaay!Salary day!:-)).. although,mondays keep track of me..(yeah you got it,i still hate mondays) So,erm..what was i talking about..?!
*blink blink
Yeah,resolutions..thinking about it led me to realise something about me - im totally (i could say happily as well) incapable of keeping any resolutions!;-> Ahem..thats the highlight of this new year for me..self awareness,you could say B-)
Something else too,is new..all that hard work and dedication in gastronomy finally paid off..incase you didnt get it yet,i meant that being a glutton never felt better:-P i gained a few kilos..for the first time in my life,my mom feels im not thin..my friend even said i looked prettier..:-) i'd have liked it better,had somebody else noticed it ;-) lol..but never mind..
I also learnt to play counterstrike but i found out that its better to read books in between training sessions than gaming..because the system maintenance dept of my company likes to snoop into the system files once in a while and if you get caught gaming you'l be fined upto 2000 bucks..sorry,but i dont have that kind of money to be spend on anything other than food..so,i have turned into a voracious reader.If i dont want 2 read,another option is blogging..hehe..yeah,now you know why im typing away on a monday morning :-)
Im in a very chatty mood today (courtsey java class thats going on now). But my fingers are aching.. Nokia X2 keypad isnt upto the mark..so,im off on a short break..:-) hoping to be right back :->

Goodbye 2010, Welcome 2011!

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 17:31:00 +0000

Cherishing those moments that made me smile..when my eyes twinkled with the stars through the dark night..filled me with a cozy warmth like a crackling hearth..tears that made me realize how much i loved you and me,our lives..laughter that made my insides ache with happiness..few losses that will remind me to hold onto my treasures...
...thank you dearest dad and mom,my sweet sis n bro,my loving angels ,my crazy friends,unknown nameless kind hearts..and last but never the least, my love above-my God who gifted me a wonderful 2010.. :-)

Wishing all an Awesome New Year...:-)
All set for another great year..Welcome 2011!!!:-)

Random ramblings 13

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Every time life pushes me into a ditch, God lends me His wings

Random Ramblings 12

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 07:11:00 +0000

The best way to live is to live a week at a time!

Brazil Knocked out.. :(

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:46:00 +0000

I don't know what to say..even expletives fail me at this moment..
Brazil's a goner..The match's going on,but i don't wanna watch it anymore..not just this one..i don't wanna see any of the matches for a while..
God! How could they not win! Well..You just showed me, i guess...

I guess whats more important at this moment is to keep the sheer disappointment aside and prepare for the future..I'm not talking about Brazil..I'm talking about saving my face..I'm planning to switch off my mobile phone..

Ok..the games over..we are the losers!!! I stand with them in this moment of utter embarassment..but they played real dumb :(

Hmm..again i'm at a loss of words..i'm signing off.. :(

PS - And for my friends who are reading this..please don't ring me up today..
I'm in mourning.. sob sob..

Random ramblings 11

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 09:00:00 +0000

Most of the equations can be balanced by cash

Honey..I'm Back.. :)

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:29:00 +0000

Yup..I'm back..!!!
So..how long has it been..hm..cant remember..i guess it doesn't matter now..'cause as i said before I'm back..:)

Lots (read it as loooots) of things happened in the time I was gone..
But there's something I have to tell you first..

I am an electrical engineer..:)
He he..that's true :) it did happen at last.. (The final semester results aren't out yet but I'm hoping 'my-sweet-Guy-above' would get me a pass this time too) The graduation ceremony's over..and i got something called a 'graduand profile' and got my photo taken [after posing on the dais for an eternity..the confounded camera wouldn't click..! :( ]

And if He repeats the magic..I think I'd be joining as a software engineer the coming Sept 15th..(nah, cant tell you the company's name..what if i feel like saying some not-so-good-things about somebody/something there..I don't wanna get a pink slip before I'm in!) That's what i think..i said 'i think' 'cause my parents feel its a good idea to join as a clerk instead (God alone knows how i cleared the clerical exam! My finance related GK is worse than the worst) in a not-so-bad bank..That's their idea of the first step in 'getting settled'..and as you might have already guessed, i have no such plans what-so-ever..shh..top secret! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping I wouldn't have cleared the interview (it was bad enough.i didn't even have to try!)

For the time being I'm at home..sleeping..gaming and re-gaming..day dreaming of buying a new laptop..(waddya think of Vaio VPCEB24EN?)..

That's when i thought of getting back to my ol' pal whose all ears for me all the time..
Yup, my sweet bloggie..I'm talking about you :).. now you know I'm genuinely interested in you, and i didn't come back 'cause I'm bored..(i said that 'cause i know you thought so..how could you even think so..?!! its OK..I'm not so gravely offended..I'm very forgiving nowadays)

My bros peeping..i don't wanna get a good telling off from mom..I'm supposed to assist my bro in focusing on his studys by not using the computer when hes around :(..got to go.. :(

Random ramblings 10

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 09:41:00 +0000

i think i might have enjoyed my life more, had i not been me.
sigh.

Random ramblings 9

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:23:00 +0000

more than anything else, i wish i had learnt to hate.

Random ramblings 8

noreply@blogger.com (Dodo) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 07:36:00 +0000

Is God an introvert?
I have to get that Guy talking.hm.