Off-the-church-walls

THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL

2024-12-09T21:32:00.002-06:00

THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL

Part 1

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's program.

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the preacher at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

COMMERCIAL:  Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

PASS INTERFERENCE:
1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
1. How the preacher gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the preacher who preaches more than 25 minutes.

TACKLE:
1. What happens to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The preacher's wife looking at her watch in full view of the preacher.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Bible Jokes

2022-04-17T15:12:00.002-05:00

https://youtu.be/ITU39_y7vjM

Email Updates

2021-08-22T03:00:00.001-05:00

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Also, some posts on Facebook at

https://www.facebook.com/groups/offthechurchwallshumor

New Church Signs

2021-01-30T03:00:00.001-06:00

SOME NEW CHURCH SIGNS

And, last, but certainly not least

New Church Signs?

Life is Hard

Afterlife is Harder!

Love this next one!

Heard on a London Bus:

2019-11-04T11:08:00.001-06:00

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Perspective

2019-09-20T21:45:00.000-05:00

I AM Thankful:
FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING. BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. .

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND I AM THANKFUL:
FOR all the crazy people I work with
BECAUSE they make work interesting and fun!

HOW DID HE GET IN THERE

2019-09-19T16:41:00.001-05:00

: How The H#!! Did He Get In There

How to fold the world record paper airplane

2019-09-19T16:35:00.001-05:00

How to fold the world record paper airplane

2019-09-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

How to fold the world record paper airplane

2019-09-19T16:34:00.000-05:00

Man of the House

2019-09-19T16:32:00.005-05:00

Dave's Marriage Advice

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/vAZoMuMDiq0?feature=share

Who should be the head of the household? Who should make the big decisions? Find out!

Oh Lord

2019-09-19T16:25:00.001-05:00

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

2019-09-10T14:05:00.001-05:00

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never swings at what Satan throws

The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord's team won!

The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Freddy answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home.

Psalm 84:11, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Collieflower

2019-04-03T15:53:00.000-05:00

If I were the devil

2019-03-25T16:13:00.002-05:00

Let's Have Some Fun

2019-02-07T12:37:00.003-06:00

Can you find 20 books of the Bible in this paragraph? Someone showed me this story and remarked that there are twenty books of the Bible hidden here. He challenged me to find them. Sure enough, they're all here. Still this thing's a lulu, kept me looking so hard for the longest time. Some of you will get bogged down with facts, others are hit by them like they were some kind of revelation or something. You may get in a jam, especially since the names are not capitalized and often leap the spaces between the words. This makes it a real job to find them, but it'll provide a most fascinating few minutes for you. Yes, there are some really easy ones to spot, but don't get the big head 'cause truthfully you'll soon figure that it would take most federal judges and preachers numbers of hours to find them all. I will admit that it usually takes, a minister to find one of them and that is not uncommon, for there are to be loud lamentations when it is pointed out. One lady says that when she is confronted with puzzles like this, she brews a cup of tea to help her concentrate better, but then this gal is a real pro! Verbs, nouns and all that stuff are her thing. See how well you can compete, Relax!! There really are twenty names of Bible books in this story. If you fail to find them, there's a penalty. You'll have to go fly a kite, sit on a banana, hum the Battle Hymn of The Republic, or hose a dog (a-mean one). Get to it!

Re-Run

2018-03-05T11:23:00.001-06:00

1) Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

2) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4) If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

5) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

6) When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

7) A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

8) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

9) America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

10) You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

11) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

12) My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

13) I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

14) Money talks--but all mine ever says is good-bye.

15) You're not fat, you're just--easier to see.

16) If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

17) I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?

18) I can't understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women's clothing line named Sag Harbor.

19) My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

20) My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

21) Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

22) The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

23) On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

24) The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

25) I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

26) Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

27) The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Marques

2018-03-05T11:23:00.000-06:00

Jonah in the Bible

2017-12-05T15:30:00.003-06:00

When a boy went off to college, his father said, "Don't ever let the take away your faith."
Back home after two years of college the son was asked, "Do you still believe the Bible? I hope you didn't let them weaken your faith in the Bible. You still believe Jonah was swallowed by a fish?"
"Oh, now, Father," said John, "you don't mean to say that you still believe that story about Jonah?"
The father threw up his hands, horror-stricken. "Oh, son, you've forsaken you father's faith!"
"Father, is Jonah still in your Bible? Have you read about him lately? Father, get your Bible and show me where you find anything about Jonah."
With considerable indignation the father took down his Bible and began to turn over the leaves excitedly, but could not find Jonah.
"Now, Father, I may have played a mean trick, but two years ago when I went to college, I took your Bible and carefully cut out the pages of Jonah, and you have never missed it."
The father's face revealed an inward struggle. Then he quietly said, "I see it. I'm as bad as the unbelievers. There has been no Jonah in my Bible for two years."

Dressing for Nascar

2017-05-27T10:27:00.001-05:00

https://youtu.be/lftHdAhtjt8

Stolen Car

2016-06-11T15:48:00.002-05:00

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Name On Your Bible

2016-05-17T21:26:00.002-05:00

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth!

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

Retaliation

2016-01-02T15:51:00.001-06:00

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

2015-12-28T21:47:00.000-06:00

Hymn #365

2015-11-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'