Myth 1: The Fort Hood Shooter Is Dead

It wasn’t until the West Coast update of Nightly News that Brian Williams got the facts straight. To be fair, it wasn’t completely his fault. Everyone was wrong. Fort Hood officials had been telling anyone within earshot that Nidal Malik Hasan had died during the attack, that heroic actions by an officer (also dead, according to these sources) stopped the massacre and killed the gunman. More than six hours later, these same officials dropped a bombshell; not only was the shooter still alive, the heroic officer was still breathing as well. Here’s an early erroneous report from the Associated Press…

Fort Hood’s commanding General says one alleged shooter is also dead.

Well, he’s not dead. Hasan remains in critical condition, in a coma but expected to live as of this posting. All reports suggest he’s not talking but I’m guessing that he opens up eventually.

Myth 2: Hasan’s Religion Played No Role In Shooting

At this point, I agree with the President, it would be foolish to jump to any conclusions until we have all of the information in this case. This advice hasn’t stopped countless media outlets (check out this wire search of ‘Hasan PTSD’) from pushing their theory that this was some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Hasan must have obtained PTSD by proxy as he never actually served in any foreign engagements. Still, facts are pesky things, and these media outlets needed something to blame the bloodshed on, something other than Hasan’s religion.

Several sources are reporting that Hasan screamed ‘Allahu Akbar‘ as he fired two handguns into a crowded room. He arrived that morning wearing Islamic garb. He handed out Korans to his neighbors. He praised the work of suicide bombers and defended their tactics on religious grounds. He called the ‘War on Terror’ a war on Islam. He gave a lecture on beheadings, unprompted. Everyone who has come in contact with him has spoke of his devotion to Islamic beliefs. Hasan’s family is of Palestinian descent and he made his vociferous opposition to U.S. foreign policy known to those who would listen. Do you see a trend building here? Post-traumatic stress disorder, natch.

Myth 3: Hasan Suffered From Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Of all the terrible coverage of this story, Larry King took the cake.

[King] That… [Johnson] That’s crap… Hello? [King] Are you doing, Tom, by mentioning Islamic last name, are you doing speculating of your own? [Kenniff] I am speculating, and that’s true, we have very limited information right now but we’re all speculating and what I’m saying is, my speculation seems to fit a lot more in with the reality of this case [Johnson] No. No it doesn’t. You’re talking… I think you’re talking out your butt.

The clip ends with PTSD sufferer and former POW Shoshana Johnson suggesting that it’s ‘dangerous’ to imply anything other than PTSD was at play here. This is beyond foolish. There’s speculation coming from all sides here. The only difference between Tom Kenniff’s speculation that religious motive played a part and the other three dunces pointing to PTSD is that Kenniff actually has some evidence to support his theory. There is nothing — absolutely nothing — to suggest that a man who never served in anything other than a classroom somehow suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. And seeing as he was a professional in this field, wouldn’t he be able to self-diagnose?

Hasan’s friends suggest he was a happy man. There is nothing in his file that would put PTSD in play and he never complained about anything outside of his opposition to the policies of the United States and its armed services to anyone on record thus far. Hopefully we can get past this idiocy and get down to a solid motive in this case. While it’s likely that either religious leanings or radical politics played a role in this massacre, I think it’s highly unlikely that a man who never saw action overseas came down with post-traumatic stress disorder by osmosis of some sort and wasn’t able to use his professional training to diagnose himself. I believe this mostly because I live in a reality-based world. It’s also quite possible, probable even, that, on some level, Hasan was just plain crazy.

The fact is, we don’t know anything for sure just yet.

Myth 4: Hasan’s Was Afraid To Fight In A War

I’ll make this short and sweet. I may never know him. What I do know is that he wasn’t scared to ‘go to war.’ Hasan went to war all right, he went to war in Texas. He went to war against the very people that put him through medical school. He chose sides, took up arms and executed a war plan. Sadly, he chose the other side and murdered at least a dozen people in the process.

Myth 5: There Were Three Shooters Involved In The Attack

Reporting in real time is a dirty process. You run every tip, hint and source through the does-this-seem-plausible filter and you run with what comes out clean on the other side. But leaving the public thinking three, possibly more, shooters were on the loose for hours is inexcusable.

[Shepard Smith] We’re talking about the largest U.S. military installation in the world with 33,000 people there, three different locations that we know of, three different gunman all shooting army personnel.

Not quite. The entire attack occurred in one building and all signs point to there being a single shooter, Nidal Malik Hasan. This was an information breakdown of the most extreme. From confused Fort Hood authorities swamped by a catastrophe to cable channels buying into the theories of frightened eyewitnesses to fact checkers apparently asleep at the wheel, it was a failure on all fronts.

Myth 6: Hasan Was Bullied By Fellow Soldiers

Nidal Malik Hasan wasn’t some newbie grunt, he was a Major in the United States Army. This rank puts him in a position of authority over about 95% of enlisted soldiers. So I seriously doubt random enlistees were bullying him about his religious background. What I do imagine, and what seems to line up with the facts here, is the assertion that a man with a strong opinion about U.S. foreign policy got into a heated argument or two with folks who disagreed. Sure, there was an incident where his car was vandalized and an ‘Allah’ sticker was removed, but the police arrested that joker and the wound healed. There’s no information to suggest that Hasan was ‘picked on’ by anyone at Fort Hood or elsewhere. We have to draw a line between battling over political views, which can become heated at times, and mocking or persecuting someone solely because of those views or religious beliefs.

Myth 7: Hasan Gave No Hints An Attack Was Coming

As outlined above, the Fort Hood shooter was acting quite odd before the shooting. Though most interviews feature some pundit claiming ‘no one saw this coming,’ it’s clear that at least some people did. Those people just so happen to work at the FBI. So his fellow soldiers, superiors and even the Feds saw this one on the horizon. Was there a moment when the hammer could have been dropped and lives could have been saved? Maybe not. But if we were looking for symptoms, Hasan wasn’t hiding them from us. As all lunatics do, this crazy left a trail of breadcrumbs.

The real question is, why did those people still want him to go to Afghanistan?

The book isn’t closed on this story just yet and there’s quite a bit more to be learned. But media coverage of this event has been shockingly bad from the get-go and it’s not getting much better with time. I know as well as the next guy that CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and a million other outlets have a ton of time and space to fill. I happen to think filling that time with complete jackasses like Dr. Phil is a disservice to everyone. I also think grabbing onto the popular meme (in this case, PTSD as the diagnosis) is particularly ridiculous in this case as it attempts to justify the cold-blooded murder of more than a dozen innocent people. At the end of the day, whether Nidal Malik Hasan was a radical Islamist, an American patriot, a victim of bullying or a man who mysteriously came down with a syndrome he doesn’t fit the profile for doesn’t matter. What matters is that this sick son of a bitch resorted to violence to prove whatever insanely off-base point he was trying to make.

So please… stop with the misinformation, would you?

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Crazy things that happen around Halloween, creepy guy that likes a little muscle kid, health care debate intensifies and more…

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Today, on Chicago’s WGN Radio 720, we talked about a Redskins cheerleader who was handicapped after a severe reaction to the flu vaccine. I mentioned several times that I am far from a vaccine nut and that the only reason I don’t get the shot is because I’m accustomed to putting a week or so aside each year to battling the flu. Well, needless to say, not everyone was happy with my take on the topic. Alright, time to make someone called ‘Sally’ famous…:

I think your handling of the topic was both foolish and irresponsible. Although you maintained that the main reason you planned not to get any flu shots again this year was because you considered getting sick for a couple of day each year just part of the deal, but what you discussed and emphasized was the tragic and rare case of the cheerleader who is disabled, probably because of some sort of reaction to a flu shot.

You are foolish because you are in the age group that often does not just get sick for a few days with H1N1. They too often get very sick and can die. A little over 14 percent of 168 people in a 2009 Canadian study did die. Their average age was 32 years old.

You are irresponsible because your emphasis on the very scary story about the cheerleader could certainly scare young people away from getting the H1N1 vaccination. People could die because of your broadcast.

I’m trying not to hope you get the flu.

Sally

Thanks for the email!

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The truly amazing non-journey of Colorado’s Balloon Boy comes to an end, Meghan McCain’s spectacular rack and so much more…

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Wait, was I wrong? Meghan McCain, daughter of Presidential second-placer John McCain, posted the above photo on her Twitter stream (she currently has 60k followers) last night around 8PM. She followed up about 30 minutes later with a series of ‘tweets’ (jesus, I hate the language of Twitter) suggesting she was getting evil responses to her picture. Here’s a timeline of her responses…

So… Meghan McCain posted a photo unaware that her giant breasts would cause a controversy online amongst her conservative followers and then threatened to delete her account after a slew of mean comments, right? Not so fast. Twitter is a website for self-promotion, I know that just as well as Meghan does. She uses that account to promote her appearances and articles on The Daily Beast and it’s one of her best promotional tools. If you think she didn’t expect a reaction to that picture, you’re kidding yourself. And if you buy the ’slew of mean comments’ line, you’re even more gullible.

I’m not saying she didn’t get any negative responses or that no one called her a slut, I’m saying that she blew the event out of proportion to promote her latest column. You know, the one that she linked right after calming down last night. What an amazingly convenient coincidence!

Don’t take my word for it, search Twitter yourself. With a query like ‘@McCainBlogette look like slut‘ — (I’m assuming these evil people would have sent a message telling her ‘you look like a slut’ or something similar) brings up nothing directed at Meghan’s account before she started complaining of a backlash. A simpler search for ‘@McCainBlogette whore‘ brings up a whopping 3 posts, none of them attacking her for the photo. In fact, search for all replies to ‘@McCainBlogette‘ and you’ll get a massive outpouring of posts in support of her, many attempting to convince her not to leave Twitter.

Meghan has been working for The Daily Beast for a while and you can imagine interest in her pieces has dropped over time. Jumble that with the fact that she didn’t exactly enjoy being ignored by the paparazzi as they drooled over Tila Tequila the other day and we’ve got a recipe for a publicity stunt.

It’s possible that she really did face a backlash after posting the seductive snapshot. And it’s possible that her outrage over that reaction was genuine. But I think it’s a helluva a lot more possible that she thought up this little fiasco last night after taking a few pictures and screening them to see which would be best for posting online. Like I said in the title, when Meghan McCain wants attention, she gets it. She’s positioning herself to be this sexy, political every-girl and it seems to be working quite well. Hell, this is the most buzzed about Twitter image since Ashton Kutcher uploaded a Demi Moore crotch shot. So, in the end, she gets some press and we get to see her massive cleavage.

Win-win, right?

I’ll transcribe a few of the shots at Jessica Simpson:

“Man, I still can’t believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams.”

“At least Jessica comes up big when it counts.”

“Hey, Tony, is Jessica around? Because we could use a defensive tackle.

It’s almost incomprehensible why Fox would air this attack on someone who previously dated a current NFL player. Millions and millions of people were watching this broadcast and you can bet your ass Jessica Simpson was probably among them. Then again, it seems to be a free-for-all when it comes to attacking the fallen pop star these days. Hell, even the President took a shot.

There have been countless articles and debates on the talk show circuit about how comments on-air affect their targets in the real world. Generally, I don’t buy them. After a hard-hitting interview with Nancy Grace, 21-year-old Melinda Duckett committed suicide. Grace says the mother shot herself because she felt guilty about her missing son, Duckett’s family says otherwise. A long time target of the right, abortion doctor George Tiller (labeled ‘Tiller the Baby Killer’ by opponents) was gunned down at a Kansas church by an anti-abortion activist. ConservaTalkers claimed no responsibility for the murder, liberals disagreed. I think reality is a whole lot messier than black-and-white arguments on either side but it’s funny that this same standard isn’t held to issues of less importance.

Don’t these folks think that Jessica Simpson could have an adverse reaction to being called fat in front of millions of football fans? Isn’t it possible that she’s in a weakened mental state?

For God’s sake, the woman has resorted to Internet dating… it’s that bad.

Jessica Simpson isn’t quite as stupid as you might imagine. She knows how she once looked (see: photo above, left) and how she currently looks (photo above, right) and I’m pretty sure she isn’t comfortable with the weight gain. And I’m not alone in my criticism, here’s adage.com’s take:

Fox wrote, produced and aired the bit nationally, in other words. Still, there’s Burger King’s name, big as day, right before the skit starts. Weight jokes associated with a fast-food chain just strike us as dumb no matter how you look at it. Consider the Whopper. The sandwich has 19 Weight Watchers points, or just under the average daily goal. Adding fries and a small shake would take you up to 45 points, or more than the average woman should consume in two days. Laughing yet?

What’s even more bizarre, as adage.com points out, is that Burger King sponsored the bit but didn’t preview the spot they would be attaching their brand name to. Well, why not?

Both Burger King and Fox are apologizing for the entire fiasco but it seems like some red flags should have gone up somewhere along the line. Still no comment from Jessica Simpson.

I’m all for making fun of people and I’m all for taking cheap shots. I’m never for stifling free speech but I think it’s important to call out people who do stupid things. For instance: if a major television network used a cartoon on prime time (sponsored by a multinational fast food chain that doesn’t exactly help when it comes to the obesity dilemma) to attack a pop star who is hardly relevant any more, that might be a bit much. And let’s all remember a painful truth here, at the end of the day, there aren’t many among us who would turn down sex with Jessica Simpson just because she packed on a few pounds in the last few years. In fact, I think we’d be fighting for the first spot in line…

Update: Fox is in full back-pedal mode now. They yanked the clip from Youtube.com via a copyright claim. The video below has some of the original footage. Let’s see how long this version lasts…

Naked x-rays, House Hunters obsession, Seth Green fakery, Rifqa Bary update, flag bans and much more…

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Please direct your hate mail to: ShawnWasson -AT- Gmail.com

World One involves the White House and it’s mouth piece, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. In this world everything is worthy of a yuck-yuck moment and it’s perfectly acceptable to turn a press conference into something just short of a skit on Monday Night Raw. Let’s go to the tape…

MR. GIBBS: I will say this — I will say this, I don’t know if you — maybe I’ll bring this picture out here. It’s — recently, the President was playing with Reggie, I think it was in New York. Reggie is going to hate that I told this story, but I want to make sure I’m speaking directly into the camera. (Laughter.) And I think Reggie came back across the street, and the pool asked him what had happened, and he said he couldn’t say anything because I had told him he couldn’t talk to the press.

Q He said you’d kill him.

MR. GIBBS: Well, I figured out why he apparently has finally started listening to me. The President told me that he blocked several of Reggie’s shots — (laughter) — during this game, including one that was photographed by Pete Souza. There’s now a very large print of that downstairs in the West Wing that the President asked Reggie to sign. (Laughter.) And it is prominently displayed for both Reggie and, I think more importantly, the President’s enjoyment as he walks to and from meetings.

(The picture is brought out.) (Laughter.)

Q Nice picture.

Q Clearly he’s –

Q Robert, Robert, hold it up. Hold it way up.

Q I think it’s a foul. I think it’s a foul. (Laughter.)

Q What does it say?

MR. GIBBS: “Mr. President, nice block. Reggie Love.” I will say this — Reggie certainly is — I don’t think would call a foul in that play –

In World Two, you know, the real one, things are a bit different.

Honestly, we have wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, skyrocketing unemployment and a public fed up with non-answers and spin from the White House and we’re talking about pick-up basketball games?

World One: Orchestrated basketball-related stunts. World Two: A scene of desperation and poverty.

Can these folks possibly be that disconnected from life outside the beltway?

Answer: An emphatic yes…

Solidarity to my big beer can drinking friends in Arlington Heights, Afghanistan four years in, futuristic Burger King and much more…

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“There’s a gullible side to the American people. They can be easily misled. Religion is the best device used to mislead them.”

-Michael Moore, Dude Where’s My Country? pg 258

If you’ve been following my Twitter feed, you may have caught my reaction to Michael Moore’s latest movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, last Friday. Since then, I’ve seen about a dozen interviews with Moore where people try to pin him down on his solution to problems outlined in the flick. Watch this video of his chat with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and you’ll have a better idea of what I’m talking about.

Now, try to erase the ludicrous comparison to the Founding Fathers from your mind.

The moment you should focus on happens around 4:28 into the clip. Wolf Blitzer asks, “What do you want to replace [capitalism] with?” After an audible gasp, Moore responds, “I want to replace it with Democracy.” Fast forward to 5:58, after Michael Moore’s first use of religion as a defense mechanism, Blitzer pounces with “which country has an economic system you like?” Seems like an easy enough question to answer, right? Moore struggles and finally settles on “I don’t think that exists yet.” The interview continues along this same line of questioning for a while.

Michael Moore’s intentions are clear: he wants to avoid being labeled as a ‘Socialist’ in these interviews. So to avoid alienating the millions of possible movie ticket purchasers who are watching this clip, he hides behind the word ‘democracy’ as applied to an economic model and, perhaps most importantly, he hides behind religion as a justification for his overall point. He uses this same tactic ad nauseum in ‘Capitalism.’ If the film wasn’t so boring, it might be effective.

In essence, Michael Moore is using an anti-corporatism argument, bolstered by religious ideology and the word ‘democracy’ to push for embracing a socialist economic system in the United States. How could you argue against it? Moore even uses religious figures, including his own pastor, to prove his point. So let’s take this apart, one piece at a time. I’ll let this college student from George Washington University prove the ‘anti-corporatism’ side of my argument.

Did you catch that? Michael Moore agrees, “we don’t really have a free-market.”

Moore follows this up by struggling to explain the theory of economic democracy. The overall goal of this loose theory is to achieve 100% employment, to get 100% of the population insured and to push it a step further with free houses for everyone. His message is ‘give the power to the workers, then push for pay based on work output.’ Which, to me, sounds a whole heckuva lot like Socialism.

In fact, Moore suggests we enact FDR’s failed ‘Second Bill of Rights’ proposal:

The right to a useful and remunerative job in the industries or shops or farms or mines of the nation;

The right to earn enough to provide adequate food and clothing and recreation;

The right of every farmer to raise and sell his products at a return which will give him and his family a decent living;

The right of every businessman, large and small, to trade in an atmosphere of freedom from unfair competition and domination by monopolies at home or abroad;

The right of every family to a decent home;

The right to adequate medical care and the opportunity to achieve and enjoy good health;

The right to adequate protection from the economic fears of old age, sickness, accident, and unemployment;

The right to a good education.

That just about puts a fork in the ‘democracy’ portion of his argument. But what about religion?

Time after time, Moore argues that to disagree with him is to disagree with god. Take a look at the quote that started this post: “There’s a gullible side to the American people. They can be easily misled. Religion is the best device used to mislead them.” Moore has told you, along with Bill Maher and others, on countless occasions, how stupid he thinks you are. Now Moore is using this perceived ‘gullibility’ to hammer down on a partisan argument that “nobody should make 500 times what anyone else is making in this country” (Read that last sentence again and consider Moore’s income as compared to one of the freelance videographers that work on his films.) because Jesus Christ wouldn’t approve it. This from the man who mainstreamed the Jesus Land graphic.

But this faulty logic isn’t the biggest issue to complain about after watching Capitalism: A Love Story. Michael Moore seems to be obsessed with making all of his movies almost exactly two hours long. Bowling for Columbine was 120 minutes long, Fahrenheit 9/11 clocked in at 122 minutes, Sicko was 123 minutes long and Capitalism: A Love Story is 120 minutes front-to-back — the guy seems obsessed with hitting the two hour mark. There’s at least 25 minutes of fluff in this flick that could have easily have been filled by a heated debate with a single voice of opposition. That’s right, not a single Adam Smith-touting free marketeer in the entire movie. I could spend a dozen more paragraphs debunking Moore’s claims one-by-one (or pointing out other stupid things he’s said on his press tour) but I think it’s best to reveal the flaws in the deepest foundation of his argument.

At the end of the day, Moore wants the U.S. to look a whole lot more like France. He wants everyone (except him) to believe that they aren’t special, that they can’t make it in this world. He wants you to believe that greed is a bad tool of incentive. Moore wants you to buy into this bullshit thought process that suggests somehow the government can better handle your cash than you can. Once your tax dollars make their way up the chain, something magical happens and all is well and fair. A man who has amassed a Scrooge McDuck-sized pile of cash and benefited from the freest (however flawed it may be) economy on this planet, wants you to spend $10 a ticket to hear how terrible we all are and how if we just march in step with him everything will be perfect. It’s a common flaw of socialist thought — that there’s always some perfection to be had, some pinnacle to reach. In these people’s minds, there’s a perfect temperature for the planet, a perfect health care system, a culture to be reached that is free of poverty and full of happiness, health and shiny things.

But don’t go throwing away your Prozac just yet, it’s all a fairytale. And following people like Moore politically will lead you to a more unfair, more destitute, less impressive society. This has been proven time and time again. The fact that the film ended up in a disappointing 8th place suggests Americans aren’t quite ready to acquiesce and give up this system. In short, Capitalism may not be perfect, but it’s the best damn thing we’ve got going for us. Save your $10 for something better…

Please direct your hate mail to: ShawnWasson -AT- Gmail.com

Your host is almost arrested on a movie set, Letterman won’t shut his mouth, MSNBC raises the idiot bar and much more…

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Chicago loses Olympic rat race, Obama and Afghanistan, SNL smackdown, Ted Williams’ head and much more…

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Sponsor The Daily Fix, Rio and the Olympic bid, Elizabeth Smart speaks out, weekend movie preview and much more…

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The difference between advertising on a product like The Daily Fix and the broadcast version of my show is quite stark. On air, the spots come and go. Once your ad has been played, it disappears. But an advantage of the online product is an advertisement that keeps on giving. Old shows continue to rack up downloads months after they are uploaded and as the file makes it’s way around the Internet, your advertisement stays intact. You get exposure, I get some cash, everybody wins.

I didn’t create The Daily Fix to make a bundle of cash, I do the show specifically for my fans. But I’d like to purchase some major upgrades for the home studio and the best way to do that is by raising a bit of cash through the product. So I’ve come up with a great way for advertisers to reach my audience. The plan below will remain in tact for the rest of the year and rates will be locked in as outlined. At the beginning of 2010 we will revise the rates and continue.

Each ad buy-in will be a 1 week run consisting of at least four new episodes of The Daily Fix. On each show, you will receive a 60 second live read of your advertisement. You have the choice of providing your own copy or having a script drawn up for you. In addition to the live read, each week’s sponsor will be thanked on The News Junkie Twitter feed (currently holding strong at 3,000+ followers) and a blog post done during that week. The total cost for a week’s sponsorship is $500 — payable to my PayPal account. You will receive an invoice for your purchase when the week ends.

So, to recap, you get 4 live reads, a mention on The News Junkie Twitter feed and an original blog post to be created during your sponsorship term — all for $500. This is a great way to get your product, service or website out to a large audience for little cost.

Money generated from advertising will go toward a phone system, which will give me the ability to take phone calls during the show, and other expensive equipment. All questions should be directed to this email address: sales@thenewsjunkie.com.

Why Representative Grayson is a sign of the times, more Polanski apologists, demonizing smokers, a Rifqa Bary update and much more…

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Hollywood elites rush to defend child rapist, everything is now newsworthy, census worker update and much more…

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Last Friday, as I filled in for John Williams on Chicago’s WGN Radio 720, I interviewed Tom Jensen of Public Policy Polling. I thought it would be interesting to wedge your questions into an actual poll and, with the help of a few great callers, I was able to pull that feat off. The two best questions are highlighted below and the complete breakdown and background data can be found in this PDF file.

Question 1: Would you support amending the constitution to allow Presidents to serve more than two terms? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2. If you’re not sure, press 3.

It may be too early to actually gauge the public reaction to a question like this. I’d love to see the same poll at the end of Obama’s second term (if he could manage reelection). Still, the low ‘No’ number is encouraging. Let’s look at the party identification breakdown:

More than 1/4 of self-described ‘Liberals’ would like to see Obama in the White House beyond two terms. Sure, that’s quite predictable. But what the hell is up with the 10% of ‘Conservatives’ who seem to be in agreement? The question itself is too general. I wish the wording included President Obama’s name and was pointed in asking if a third term would be a ‘desirable’ thing.

Question 2: Would you support term limits for members of Congress? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2. If you’re not sure, press 3.

This should be an eye opener for all of Congress. In fact, it may do us well to print this poll out and send it on over to your local representative. You can search for those addresses on this website.

Again, the party identification breakdown:

Survey participant information:

PPP conducted a national survey of 621 voters from September 18th to 21st. The
survey’s margin of error is +/-3.9%. Other factors, such as refusal to be interviewed and
weighting, may introduce additional error that is more difficult to quantify.

Everyone on TV is stupid, people live under Las Vegas, pregnant woman pregnant again and much more…

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1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the wisdom of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.