Off Base Percentage

Again with the baseball cards

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 18:38:00 +0000

Major League Baseball probably needs to return sometime soon, because here comes another post about baseball cards.

I feel like it's August, 1994 all over again. Baseball went on strike that summer, never to return, and I just had my baseball cards to get me through the days. Well, the cards and Kristine Frangipane, who let me kiss her on the cheek a couple times.

8th grade me was fighting the ladies off on a daily basis.

Anyway, we start with a Cal Ripkin Jr. card. Who is Cal Ripkin Jr.? According to Sports Educational/Newton Photos, he was a Short Stop for the Baltimore Orioles.

The back of the card has Ripki(e)n's statistics starting in 1986, even though he broke into the big leagues in 1981 and had his first full season in '82. And there's a place for TOTALS, but no totals exist.

Not very educational, light on the sports, Sports Educational.

Next, we have an absolutely horrifying Mike Piazza card.

Moving on.

Albert Belle was a crazy person, no doubt about that. But I'm not sure the casual fan remembers that before he was ever Albert Belle, Crazy Person he was Joey Belle, Crazy Person. Thankfully, we have that evidence documented on early-90s cards.

Look at Mark Parent taking out Craig Biggio at second to break up the double play!

MLB withdrawal: a guest post

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 18:51:00 +0000

The following is a guest post by WH, who holds the dual distinction of A. being at Yankee Stadium for game 4 of the 2001 World Series and nearly passing away during Tino Martinez's game-tying, ninth-inning home run, and B. starting and maintaining a game-long, stadium-wide "Let's Go Yankees" chant during a road game at Turner Field in Atlanta in 2009.

We call this piece Fever Dreams About Mike Tauchman.

Day four without Major League Baseball and I've already gone through a wide range of emotions. I almost cried on Thursday (March 26) when I realized that I would not be watching opening day games; Friday, I was blaming the global pandemic for letting the Astros off the hook for their cheating scandal. By Saturday I was spending an hour showing my newborn son Youtube clips of sweet swinging lefties from my youth.

Which brings us to Monday, March 30.

I woke up this morning so confused, but it seemed so real. I had a dream I was sitting in the outfield bleachers at the Stadium watching my beloved Yankees playing in a game (opponent not important). For some ungodly reason, Mike Tauchman was in center field and I was heckling him for his terrible batting average, (he was hitting .080 before all spring training games were cancelled) and the fact that he is stealing playing time from my favorite current Yankee, Clint Frazier.

As the game is progressing he hears my heckling but has yet to respond to my lunacy. Then the inevitable happens: Tauchman misplays a ball in center and I let him have it. Still no response on his part. The next half inning he comes to the plate with runners on first and second and rips a double down the line scoring both runners. We take the lead. This is still not enough to earn my admiration. I am still yelling nonsense at Tauchman. His next at bat, he crushes a home run to right. So now he's 2-for-3 with 3 RBIs.

As he's tossing warmup throws before the next half-inning, he looks up at me and says "that one was for you." I retaliate with "I'm never going to stop heckling you!", and he looks me dead in the eyes and says "Please don't, I thrive on it."

Sure, Dream Mike Tauchman finally came through, but its been just four days without baseball and already my own brain is turning on me. I am terrified to see how far this will go, but who knows, in a few weeks I will probably have some weird nightmare where me, Nick Swisher and Don Mattingly are in some kind of crazy Tiger King-type of polygamous relationship.

Strap in folks, its going be a long, wild, horrifying ride without MLB for the foreseeable future.

Why Do I Have A Kris Bryant Ball?

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 19:34:00 +0000

The easy answer to every question in this series is that I had season tickets to the New Orleans Baby Cakes during their unremarkable three year run after a massive marketing makeover. And man, I had some sweet seats too, front row next to the visitor dugout. The Baby Cakes and the Zephyrs before them were the Triple A affiliate of the Florami Marlins and they didn't pump a lot of top prospects through Triple A. Now the team is off to Witchita and the Marlins are loaded with minor league talent. I'm only bitter this | | much-ish. We'll get more into how bitter I am during the Isan Diaz post.

Anyway, before I had season tickets, seats were super cheap anyway and you could just hang out by the dugout before games to get autographs. The Iowa Cubs had come through the season before this ball was signed in 2014. Bryant was super friendly and signed a bunch of stuff then. This ball was signed on April 16, 2015. I wish I would have had him put the date on it.

Rumors would have it that Kris Bryant would finally be called up around that time due to the Cubs *allegedly* manipulating his service time. So Kris comes down the line signing away toward the dugout. I ask him if he's getting called up tomorrow. His response was "you guys know as much as I do." He hit one into the parking lot that night. He also got called up.

This is my "Kris Bryant lied to my face" autographed baseball.

Aroldis Chapman is Jacked

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 15:24:00 +0000

Aroldis Chapman is best known for throwing baseballs very very fast. Over the last couple of seasons he has thrown baseballs less fast, but still heaves the spheroid at a ridiculous pace. He also just stands there and smiles at nothingness when Jose Altuve hits a premeditated dinger off of him to win the American League Pennant. But, rest assured, this season, you only make Aroldis Chapman look foolish at your own peril.

Chapman’s athleticism is borderline legendary. He has reportedly beaten Billy Hamilton in a 100-yard dash. Also, when he was on the Reds, it was rumored that other players wouldn’t go in and lift weights while he was in there to avoid embarrassment. But this offseason, he has taken that to a whole other level.

THE GHOST OF JOSE CANSECO LIVES! (Obligatory ‘hugs for you.’) I really wish we could get 1989 Canseco and Chapman to do comparison contests, it would be close.

Chapman himself is 6’4”, so there’s a good chance that his arm, from elbow to shoulder, is the size of my torso, circumference and all. At the very least, his one arm is both of my arms put together. Also, to my high school baseball coach, there is apparently no such thing as “too big for baseball,” creep.

Of course this is going to start rumors about Chapman and what he may or may not be using for muscle mass and weight gain, but I have it on good authority that he mainlines protein shakes seven times a day and was hired by Carole Baskin to eat her husband. Stop blaming innocent tigers, people.

If you ever need work, Aroldis, I am always looking for a security guard. MTD stole Brandon Wood from me, but I am positive I will come out the winner if I can get you to sign on as my bodyguard. We have plenty to eat here, a room and more than enough toilet paper. Have your people contact my people when you are ready to talk about your career change from baseball to personal protection.

Baseball Watchlist Covered in Cheeto Dust

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sat, 28 Mar 2020 15:00:00 +0000

Thursday was supposed to be Opening Day, but it wasn’t, and that was heartbreaking. And then teams started airing past Opening Day games on TV, or streaming them on Twitter, so that was a nice little reprieve from the madness that has been no sports for the better part of a month. (Also, non-baseball related, I don’t know if other hockey teams are doing this, but the LA Kings social media team has been live streaming Kings games played on PS4 the last few days through a twitch account. Which is brilliant.)

But who wants to just sit there and watch a random Opening Day game where Mike Trout went 5-5 against the Yankees? I do. Or watch a replay of the Reds game where Jay Bruce homered the Reds into the playoffs? OK, me again. Or sit though a re-run of Clayton Kershaw’s 15 K no-hitter? Damnit. Again, I’m in. Obviously I’ll sit though any of these right now, and I imagine you would too, so here’s a few you should definitely watch.

Nolan Ryan’s 7th No-Hitter

Ryan was 44 when he threw his 7th no-hitter. I am 36 now and there are nights where I have to stretch before I get into bed and go to sleep.

Bloopers

Nothing warms the heart like a good blooper video, or pulls at your nostalgia like one that was ripped straight from VHS to YouTube. Complete with an intro commercial from Blockbuster Video.

Babe Ruth Videos

Seriously, just to watch him run and nothing else.

Non-baseball watchlist

Tiger King because holy shit these people are nuts.

Vice’s Darkside of the Ring because holy shit these people are nuts and it’s getting sad.

How The Universe Works because I can’t sleep for shit, and as much as I like science, watching this helps me fall asleep.

A brief nonsense history of the Federal League

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 17:33:00 +0000

The Federal League was one of the few non-defunct leagues in baseball history and its goal was to find a way past Major League Baseball's reserve clause. It didn't follow the National Agreement of player payment, so the outlaw league, which lasted just two seasons (1914 and 1915) could pay huge salaries to players it tried to recruit from the two established major leagues.

Inaugural champion

The Indianapolis Hoosiers won the league's first championship, winning their final seven games to finish a game and a half ahead of the second-place Chicago Chi-Feds. In the season's final game, Katsy Keifer, making his only career appearance, tossed a complete game in a 4-2 win over the St. Louis Terriers.

Keifer (photo aged 11,000 years)

Indianapolis' manager was Bill Phillips, who a year later would manage the FL's Newark Pepper.

Not Peppers, but Pepper.

Almost 100 years later, I managed to find the South Carolina Beach Pepper.

Bruno

That Chicago team, managed by former Cubs' Hall of Famer Joe Tinker (who was also a part-time infielder) had a backup catcher named Bruno Block. That's a perfect name for a catcher.

It was that century's Sal Fasano.

Bruno, who put together a .198/.274/.255 batting line, and his Chicago teammates weren't known for their offense, but rather an excellent pitching staff that led the FL in several categories. The Chi-Feds had a league-leading ERA of 2.44, anchored by Claude Hendrix, who led all pitchers in ERA, wins and complete games.

Dan Sherman was also a part of that staff, though Sherman started, lasted 1/3 of an inning & took the loss in his only appearance - a 5-4 Kansas City Packers victory on June 4. The two runs Sherman allowed were unearned and Block made three errors that day. I'd like to believe that began a feud between the two that lasted for decades.

"HE'S A REAL BLOCKHEAD", SAYS SHERMAN
AS CHICAGO TEAMMATES FEUD CONTINUES

- Fake 1914 newspaper headline

Millville's Second Finest

How did I begin writing about the Federal League besides a possible acid flashback? Millville High School, of course.

The former home of Angels' great Mike Trout was also where Pittsburgh Rebels infielder Steve Yerkes played his prep ball. In limited playing time for the Rebels, Yerkes put together a .338/.386/.493 slash line in '14, then hit .288/.337/.371 in '15.

The third-best player in Millville High history was Andy Lapihuska, who had a 7 ERA for the Phillies from 1942-43, and who in 1951 knocked over this wheelbarrow.

The second and last champion

The Chicago Whales not only hold the distinction of playing in Wrigley Field before it was Wrigley Field (it was called Weegham Park), but won the league title in 1915.

Hall of Famer Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown was the anchor of an excellent Whales' staff (that also included Hendrix). Brown and the Whales actually finished in a virtual tie with the Terriers for the league title, but won the tie-breaker based on a doubleheader split with Pittsburgh on the final day of the season.

At the bottom of the league standings were the Baltimore Terrapins, who finished 47-107, thanks to a dreadful pitching staff that included Tommy Vereker.

Who is Tommy Vereker? Not sure.

The rest of the Federal League Question Marks

Baltimore actually went a respectable 9-13 against the Whales, which included a three-game home sweep in early-May. I think we'll all remember that series for Hack Simmons' tying, pinch-hit, three-run home run in the sixth in game three.

The Grovers

There were three Grovers in Federal League history, so let's talk briefly about each of them.

Grover Land - catcher, Brooklyn Tip-Tops 1914-15. At first I thought this sounded like a failed amusement park devoted to the Sesame Street character, but it actually sounds more like a place where you can bring the family, and for an affordable price just look at guys named Grover.

Grover Gilmore - outfielder, Kansas City '14-15. "Look kids, it's Grover Gilmore!", for example.

Grover Hartley - catcher, St. Louis '14-15. Went 3-for-5 with 2 RBIs in a 15-8 loss to Indianapolis on October 5, 1914.

Umpire not doing much of anything, still disliked by local fans

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 22:34:00 +0000

Despite having not umpired a game in several months, Wes Huntley hasn't been able to escape fan's criticism. Huntley, who was about to begin his eighth season as an umpire in various independent leagues in Georgia and Tennessee when the outbreak of the coronavirus cancelled sports worldwide, said he is still experiencing heckling and taunting in his everyday life.

"It's been tough. I was at the post office and a guy was remembering a call I had made in a game in 2016 and he said 'how much were they paying you?!' And I said 'I'm not exactly sure what my salary was in 2016.' He didn't like that," said Huntley, 45.

While having his 2005 Toyota Corolla serviced in early-March, Huntley asked about oil change prices and pointed at the menu.

"The mechanic yelled 'that was a ball!'" Huntley said. "I was confused, but I asked him if he could just tell me how much a premium oil change would be as compared to a regular oil change and he started booing. It's something every day."

It hasn't been all about baseball when it comes to the taunts of local residents. While interviewing Huntley for this story outside his Clarkston, GA home, local resident Claire Bancroft yelled "you call that walking a dog?! You stink!"

Even far from his two-bedroom home, Huntley can't escape the fans.

"I visited my optometrist yesterday morning, he's probably a half-hour, maybe 40 minutes from my house. A few people were outside the doctor's office, screaming things like 'get a pair of glasses!'. And I was like, 'that's what I'm doing,'" said Huntley.

Like all umpires, Huntley is looking forward to getting back to calling games, whenever that may be.

"There's only so many times I can dust off the home plate I installed in my living room, or call time while my dog rests on the sidewalk," Huntley said. "Plus, the other day while I was carrying several bags of groceries into my home my neighbor Ken, who is usually a pretty nice guy, kept telling me to ask for help. The season can't start soon enough."

I found some 1992 Topps cards, let's play a fake game

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 18:40:00 +0000

LIVING ROOM - Since its supposed to be opening day, we're going to see how the players on these 15 cards (18 total players) I found would fare in a fictional game with results that I make up as this post goes along.

We've got six pitchers out of the 15, so that's our staff. Our ace is clearly Charles Nagy, who ended up with a 4.51 ERA, 129 wins and three top-10 Cy Young finishes in a 14-year career, all but 12 1/3 innings of which came with the Indians. I'm comfortable giving the ball to Nagy to start our must-win-even-though-it's-opening-day-fake-game.

Nagy tires in the sixth and with a couple runners on and one out and clinging to a 4-3 lead (first baseman Eric Karros and outfielder Danny Tartabull both hit early two-run home runs) we need to get out of this jam. Do we go with Ken Dayley, who according to the back of his card attended the University of Portland, majoring in marketing AND enjoys listening to music? I think we have to. Dayley was a solid reliever after he went from the Braves to the Cardinals in 1984, and appeared on a pair of World Series-losing teams in St. Louis. Dayley gets the outs we need and we're off to the bottom of the sixth still up 4-3.

[Our lineup is pretty good, led by Karros and Tartabull. Dwight Evans, finishing up a great career and mullet with the Orioles, and Ken Griffey, finishing up a really good career with his son in Seattle makes a good 1-4.

After that, prospects Ryan Klesko, Rico Brogna and John Jaha, part of the same "top prospects, first basemen" card (with Dave Staton!)

Dave Staton fact that goes on and on and on: September 15, 1993 hit his first career home run, a pinch-hit solo shot off Kevin Gross in the third inning of the Padres' 5-4 loss to the Dodgers. Staton was hitting for Tim Worrell, another rookie who gave up five earned runs in just three innings and took the loss. The save in that game was collected by Tim's brother, Todd Worrell. Gross got the win for Los Angeles, while Kip Gross pitched two excellent innings to get to Worrell. Kevin and Kip are not related.

and Dave Hollins give us eight solid hitters. Terry Kennedy is our catcher because he's the only backstop of the 18, and after a spirited spring training battle, Jim Gantner and Al Newman end up platooning in the middle infield].

In the sixth, we tack on another run when Evans singles, moves to second on a sacrifice by Newman (who with his wife has two daugthers, Kimberly and Taylor) and scores on Klesko's single. Up 5-3, we let Dayley start the seventh, but I want to use everybody on opening day to see what kind of team we have. The remaining relievers are Heathcliff Slocumb, who we'll save for the ninth (98 career saves), Eric Plunk, Greg Hibbard and Bill Gullickson.

Unfortunately, my Plunk and Gullickson memories are as Yankees and they aren't good memories (though to be fair, Plunk was good for New York in 1990). So as punishment, those two give up the lead in the seventh and eighth, are released before the game ends and Hibbard has to get the final outs to keep the game tied at 5-5.

The eighth inning rally starts with a Karros double and ends with us up 6-5 after Jaha's sacrifice fly.

I like what I saw from Hibbard in the eighth, so we leave him in to get the first out of the ninth, then manager Bobby Delwood (who along with Hibbard also attended Mississippi Gulf Coast Junior College) points a bony finger covered in teriyaki wing sauce towards the pen and we call on Slocumb to get the final two outs. The right-hander gets the job done and we hang on for the 6-5 victory, but more importantly, according to baseballreference, Slocumb's real name is Heath, but for some reason he went by Heathcliff.

Seems like a good place to stop.

Mike Trout Is Better At Social Distancing Than You

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 17:37:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've had the chance to remind everybody that Mike Trout is the best. Except for my wife, she hears it everyday. It turns into a whole "why don't you just marry him then" conversation ending with me asking about who gets the baseball memorabilia in the divorce while working on my proposal to Mike. It has to be special to get him away from his wife and looming Trout baby. And may their first child be a masculine child. Maybe something romantic like proposing on the jumbo tron at an Eagles game.

Okay, that got away from me, just, right off the bat. My point was that Trout is the best. We knew that about the baseball side of things. But this guy even crushes social distancing while still being nice to, get this, strangers.

Point in case

ok, but here's something hilariously wholesome my friend just sent me. his friend saw mike trout at a grocery store and took a selfie – but, a social distancing selfie

and trout commented back

genuinely the best shit. i love it pic.twitter.com/YLfAyIoGgX
— Alex Chamberlain (@DolphHauldhagen) March 26, 2020

Trout is out there shopping for the right combination of super foods* that make him a mythical creature and is still willing to take selfies with fans. Just six feet away so it looks like an awkward photo bomb. Still, he was not only happy to do it but followed with a tweet of his own to be safe. Did he steal all of the toilet paper out of her cart while she was texting her friend? I'd prefer to think not.

*The super foods to make you Mike Trout do NOT include the five pound bag of sour patch kids and the picante flavored corn nuts. But my research continues on...

Now we know Mike is out there not shaking hands and eating healthy. Is he staying fit?

Mike Trout, on MLB Network, says he works out with Albert Pujols every day. "Six feet," Trout says. "A little distance."
— Bill Shaikin (@BillShaikin) March 26, 2020

Of course he is. And he's getting Albert Pujols out of the house. Which is important for older guys. Watching Price is Right everyday will ruin you.

Scott Boras Has a Plan, So Do I

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 14:23:00 +0000

Yesterday the LA Times ran a piece where they interviewed Scott Boras about a plan that he has for the possible playing of this year’s baseball season because of course he has a plan. His two plans are for both a 162-game season that starts on June 1st, and a 144-game plan that starts on July 1st.

OK, but how.

Game 6th of the World Series is played on Christmas Day.

OK, calm down Scott.

I am not saying that I don’t want to see a full season of baseball, but there are some issues with this. Neutral World Series site is good, but the shortened offseason going into 2021 is not. Every player ever who has had a shortened training schedule going into Spring Training has always expressed how it negatively affects them.

And a neutral site works, but if the Dodgers play the Red Sox in the World Series, the Dodgers have a hell of a good argument for their stadium to be one of the sites because, well, Southern California weather. Thereby putting their opponent at a fan disadvantage if you will. (If the Astros make it to the World Series, neutral sites for everyone, or they play all of their games on the road.)

I think I have a better idea, and although it’s not my best idea (I have some thoughts rolling around about improving the game and, hoooo boy, they are some doozies), I think fans would enjoy it better than the possibility of sitting through the 161st game of the season being played in Minnesota. I like to call this the Ernie Banks Plan.

Season starts on June 1st

Really, let’s all be completely honest about this. If the season doesn’t start by June 1st it should either be scrapped, or MLB should really look at shortening the schedule for the total number of games that are being played this year. It sucks, I know, but it is what it is. Hey! At least it’s not a strike, right?

144-game schedule

At this point, a 162-game season is probably already out of the question. With the need for off days and the amount of time that gets taken up by the sheer number of games that would need to be played, a full season really is a pipe dream at this point. 144 games it is. And, why not? It’s 18 games. If you really need those extra 18 games, go play waffle ball with your kids or your neighbor who has been silently working on a secret pitch for the last five years. They’ll appreciate it.

Let’s play two

June 1st to October 15th is 136 days, we’re playing double headers every other day. There will be a few times throughout the season where there will be back to back days that a team plays, but the schedule will look more like a hockey or basketball schedule with consistent off days. It also puts the All-Star Break right around August 1st.

Teams can figure out the pitching, but with regular off days, most relievers won’t be throwing back to back days and it would be fun to see how creative managers get with their staffs. Pitchers also won’t be throwing as many innings this season since the schedule for games will already be shorter.

Shorter Playoffs

I, for one, hate the Wild Card Game. I have never been a fan of it, and this gives me a chance to cut it out. So, in the immortal words of Hawk Harrelson, he gone. The Division Series is also gone this season. Sorry, second place teams, we don’t have time for it. Championship Series’ will be cut to five games instead of seven, and the World Series should be done by the first week of November, AKA, right on time.

No Idea is going to be perfect, but, seriously, does Scott Boras think that the World Series is going to be able to compete with cultish football fans? C’mon, Scott, think about it.

Noah, Sale, God All Call In Sick For 2020 Season

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 25 Mar 2020 14:53:00 +0000

Tommy John Surgery sucks. Not that I have partaken in it, but it has caused me pain and anguish over the last 10 years, so I feel it is fair to ask for restitution.

This year is different though.

This year, we are going through enough.

Last month, it was reported that Luis Severino was going to need TJS. Six days ago, it was Chris Sale ‘s turn to get the bad news. Yesterday, word came through the wire that Noah Syndergaard is now being turned over to Dr. Andrew for TJS. The full list of players who either have or will go under the knife for UCL surgery can be found here.

It’s not so much that the list is long, it is that we are going through enough already. Baseball likely won’t resume until June - if at all this year - and with restrictions being placed on elective surgeries due to COVID-19, most of the recent candidates will have to wait months for before they can have their elective surgeries. Meaning that not only would they be out for this season, but for next season as well given the 12-15 month timeline for recovery.

Somehow I feel like this is all the Astros fault, or God simply decided to call in sick because he’s had enough of everyone’s shit.

Someone needs to find the rest of the top of the line pitchers right now, wrap them in bubble wrap and lock them in a storage container to keep them from getting hurt. If I am looking at a best case scenario of only getting five months of baseball this season, I would like to see the best players healthy, damnit, and I don’t think that that is too much to ask.

At the current rate, competitive Cornhole and Shuffleboard are going to be the hot ticket sports to watch in 2020, with Curling coming in hot right behind them. I am going to start taking bets on the feral cat fights in my neighborhood, good odds on the black one that brought me a crow one time as a peace offering.

I’m going to go take a Lysol bath and curl up with some toilet paper. It really is the only way that I will feel better.

Joe West Being Ignored

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:00:00 +0000

In October last year, Joe West sued Paul Lo Duca for defamation when MLB and horse-racing analyst (actual thing) Lo Duca made a claim on a podcast that Joe West accepted a bribe from Billy Wagner in 2006 or 2007. The alleged bribery was that Wagner would loan West his 1957 Chevy, and in return, West would widen “open up the strike zone” for Wagner in a game against the Phillies.

As bribes go, it is definitely an interesting one. It ranks above parental bribes of offering cookies, candy or ice cream for literally five minutes of peace. But it doesn’t quite reach the level millionaire parents bribing colleges to get their kids into the best schools, or John Boehner handing out checks from tobacco companies in the House of Representatives. It’s a C+ bribe if I were going to give it a grade. You could have definitely done better, Billy. Your team deserved for you to do better.

Yesterday, The NY Post published an article stating the Cowboy Joe’s lawyer has now stated to the court that since neither Lo Duca nor his attorney filed a response by a deadline set for March 9th, that Lo Duca should be found liable by default. Which, OK, maybe, but as an avid follower of based ball, it is abundantly clear that ignoring Joe West is extremely difficult, if not altogether impossible. It would be hard to not commend Lo Duca for his ability to not acknowledge Joe West’s existence during all of this.

The voice we haven’t heard from throughout all of this, and a key witness, is Billy Wagner. What happened, Billy? What does the car look like, Billy? Does Joe West really smell like three-day old sauerkraut like I think he does, Billy?

These are the answers that we need in times like this. This is the progress we crave. Damnit, Mets fans deserve to win at least once. I would implore the judge to not go forward with this out of respect for the 17 Mets fans that are left who’s own self confidence depends on positive outcomes that they cannot control.

Think of the children, your honor.

It's a whole new world: a world without toilet paper

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 17:27:00 +0000

A lot has changed these past few weeks with the global outbreak of the coronavirus. One of the big changes, at least in the United States, is in the lack of toilet paper for sale at grocery and convenience stores. Last Thursday, I visited a Dollar Store and asked a cashier if there was any toilet paper left; he looked at me like I had asked him if there were any talking elephants left.

"No," said what I'm assuming was a Greg. And then he giggled a bit, as if to say this is nuts, isn't it? Now, do you still want that 30-pack of Airheads?

Just give me the airheads, Greg.

Anyway, we all know what we use toilet paper for.

No, no, not toilet paper forts.

At least, not anymore.

Whatever toilet paper you have right now might be the only rolls you have for a while. But there are other solutions. Mainly: napkins. In better times, most people would probably never be in the bathroom and think of using napkins instead of toilet paper. But these are not better times.

A napkin problem

I basically collect napkins. Any time I visit a fast food restaurant, or really any establishment that gives away napkins, I grab a handful. And the past six months or so I've been delivering food for Uber Eats and taken my "game" to another level, [new reality show idea: Napkin Hunt, Portland, Napkin Hunt, Chicago, etc...] collecting hundreds from all different types of places. It seems all my hard work in the past half-year is finally about to pay off in an awkward, perhaps sometimes painful way.

Now, let me be realer than real deal Arnold Holyfield (Evander's fictional brother who is even realer than Evander): as of about 1:30 p.m., March 24, 2020, I'm down to four rolls of toilet paper. So to preserve those rolls as long as I can, I need to start getting creative. And that means my napkin collection is about to be put to work like it's never been before. But you can't just grab the first napkin you see.

Level 1

White square napkins

You can actually buy these in packages in stores. Basically as soft as toilet paper and thick enough to not have to use 400 every bathroom trip. You can also quite easily roll them into empty toilet paper rolls in case you're feeling nostalgic.

"More than a gas station"? I couldn't agree more. They have as soft a napkin as anyone, though a little on the small side, so you may need to use a few extra each trip. But the next time you're stopping in for one of those Chorizo/Taquito/is this a hotdog? things that are slowly rotating on their bacteria grills, look to your left and grab yourself a handful of napkins.

Other level 1: Starbucks

Level 2

Panda Express

They advertise themselves as "gourmet Chinese food", which means I must not know the definition of the word "gourmet". But we're not here to talk about Panda Express' food, or what might that smell be coming from the area that says Mandarin Chicken. Just do a point-at-the-menu-with-a-puzzled-look face, seen here:

give it a couple "hmm...hmm...yeah, ok, maybe" 's and get you a handful of napkins instead. They'll get the job done, even if it's a job that takes the entirety of D3: The Mighty Ducks to complete.

Other level 2: cocktail napkins, Chronic Tacos

Level 47

These white rectangular things

I don't remember where I got these, and that's for the best. It's like a cardboard box and sandpaper had a little napkin baby. And they are not proud of their little bundle of joy.

Other level 47: paper towels, Wendy's

Quarantine Fever Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 16:30:00 +0000

14 Days.

That’s how long it has been since Major League Baseball decided to suspend minor league games. It feels like longer, but that’s probably because we use sports seasons to let us know what natural season it is outside, which is an effective way to both avoid sunlight and people (Life hack #97).

We all have different ways of dealing with this. I have been playing more video games (Expected), the kids are out of school (Appropriate) so I have finally become the teacher that I have always wanted to be (Excited), but they refuse to refer to me as Mr. Hllywa (Disappointing). So far though, no student has been suspended and no teacher(s) have been fired. There was a slight mutiny from the pets though. I think the Retriever is the ring leader. I never trusted him.

In non-personal news, Mike Trout is on TikTok. I swear to God, if he touches anyone before this whole thing is over, I will riot. Stay safe, Mike, you are to important to us.

Freddie Freeman taught his son the valuable lesson of never leaving a pitch belt high to Freddie Freeman.

Shohei Ohtani got his drivers license last month. He never drover in Japan (probably smart), but apparently feels like driving in California is a good idea (LMAO). Currently, the California freeways look like this:

Timing is everything, I suppose.

Even during a time where workers are slowed down, Jerry Dipoto can’t sit still. He managed to option four players to AAA two days ago. He’s like that kid that you bet five dollars couldn’t stay quiet for an hour, and seven minutes into the bet he starts telling you about how his pet hamster was able to organize a three-team trade between the Padres, the Orioles and the Rays, and that the hamster was proud because it walked away with two high-ceiling, low-floor, 17 year-olds and $30,000 in international cap space. At which time you have been sitting there for seven hours and have spent the last three looking for a pencil to shove in your eardrums.

Current watch list:

TikTok pranks to play on my kids.

Cute animal videos.

Cats racing other cats while riding Roombas.

Rock ‘me Sock ‘em crab fights.

Cornhole highlight videos.

Keep your friends close, and your 2-ply closer.

Sicnarf Loopstok

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Wed, 21 Feb 2018 18:05:00 +0000

I was watching the first game of the Liberty-VCU series last Friday (Liberty won 5-4 thanks to home runs from Jonathan Embry and Tre Todd) and at one point play-by-play man Alan York started talking about great baseball names.

York eventually mentioned a Lynchburg Hillcats (Single A Cleveland Indians) player named Sicnarf Loopstok.

Sicnarf is a former milb.com name of the year recipient, and while that's fantastic it's also sad since apparently the last competition took place in 2014.

Anyway, back to Friday's broadcast, which included closed captioning for some reason. This is the text that came up on my screen during the Loopstok portion of the telecast:

Sicknar Flupsnop!

York pronounced it correctly, so missing the first name by a couple letters isn't too bad.

Flupsnop?

I can imagine a member of the Loopstok family tuning in for the first game of a mid-February, non-conference game between Liberty and VCU, hearing the name pronounced correctly by York.

"Isn't that nice, they mentioned Sicnarf."

[Sees the closed captioning]

"Flupsnop?!"

Why was Corey Dickerson designated for assignment?

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood) — Wed, 21 Feb 2018 00:01:00 +0000

Was the question several of us were thinking when Tampa Bay made the move last Saturday.

The only reasonable explanation in getting rid of a guy who slashed .282/.325/.490 with 27 home runs a year ago is money. Dickerson was set to make nearly $6 million in 2018 and the cash/decent stadium/good ideas/fans-strapped Rays wanted to save some of that money.

Tampa Bay then went out and traded for the Angels' C.J. Cron, who makes far less ($2.3 million) than Dickerson and could take some of the DH days that would've gone to Dickerson, for a player to be named later.

While the money issue seems to be the motivation for the moves, I've come up with a handful of other potential reasons.

1. If you have a chance to replace a Corey with a C.J. you do it.

"That just makes good baseball sense."

- rival GM

2. May 23, 2017.

Dickerson went 0-for-4 with two strike outs & also grounded into a double play in a loss to the Angels.

3. Rays Fan Fest 2016 looked sparsely attended. The club no doubt blamed Dickerson, and to a lesser extent, his son.

4. Because of June 10th.

Dickerson went 2-for-3 with a pair of walks for Colorado in a loss to Atlanta on June 10, 2014. After being traded to the Rays before the 2016 season, he went 0-for-8 with five strike outs in two June 10th games. Tampa Bay wasn't willing to take a chance on another June 10th.

5. In 298 games with Tampa Bay, Dickerson never once volunteered to pinch run.

6. He wasn't the original Dickerson.

That honor belongs to Buttercup Dickerson, who played from 1878-1885 for a number of teams in three leagues - the NL, Union Association & American Association. Buttercup led the NL in triples with 14 in 1879; Corey has 20 CAREER triples. Buttercup was born in Tyaskin, Maryland; Corey's never even heard of Tyaskin, Maryland. I could go on and on and on and on, and I will in my forthcoming book From Buttercup to Corey: A Complete History of Guys With The Last Name Dickerson.

Book cover:

The Segway Into The Segue

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 22:21:00 +0000

Recently, like most adults, I suffered an accident that you wouldn't expect to pop out of nowhere while you're closing in on 40. I'm not there yet. I have a couple of years. But I'm close enough to 40 to start buying that Just For Men anti-greying shampoo. I can't actually see any benefits from the shampoo yet as my wife only hoses me off on my back deck every Sunday after work. Time will only tell. As far as the accident goes, it turns out that Segway makes miniature Segways and sometimes Amazon sells them for $200. Frankly, we're all losing money if we don't buy one at that price.

I purchased mine and it was fully charged and ready to ride when I got home from work Lundi Gras afternoon. Lundi Gras is the day before Mardi Gras and is widely celebrated by service industry employees by drinking heavily since the season's end is nigh. I'm not sure if the instructional Segway video told me not to drink and drive because, well, they shouldn't make those tutorials so blurry. Off I went. It was going pretty well, I felt, until a poor design flaw in my house took issue with my literal progress.

Backtracking just a bit, I somehow managed to convince the wife that a giant, fancy, wooden ping pong table would double as a dazzling dining room table once I removed the net and purchased leather benches from a Rooms To Go outlet. And with a table cloth or plates, I might be right. Either way, a giant, wooden ping pong table exists in what would otherwise be a sweet indoor Segway training surface.

I'm a baseball blogger. I'm no Agatha Christie. You all know I wrecked my Segway into that ping pong table and flew off of it. If there was StatCast data, I'm assuming neither the launch angle nor velocity were that impressive. It was a ground ball toward first base that Albert Pujols could have fielded. The damage was done.

Then this happened.

That's right, I taped ice around my arm and I went out there and fought. Just like Macho Man taking on Hulk Hogan with a Staph infected elbow wrapped up for Wrestlemania V, I went out there. I battled people bumping into me. I took shots of Jameson with my injured elbow because that's my finisher, brother.

But then I went to a hospital and I totally broke my arm when I wrecked my Segway into a ping pong table inside my house.

How was your offseason? Probably not as good as the Angels. Unless you got to party with Jose Altuve and Kevin Goldstein. Better than the Marlins, I hope. Maybe you traded all of your clothes for similar clothes. That is called Dipoto-ing. Anyway, this is how Off Base is going to literally Segway into a segue for 2018 baseball. You're welcome.

Tim Tebow Wants All The Babies

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 16:00:00 +0000

First, there was Tebowing. Then his football career ended abruptly because of the mystery ailment notagoodquarterbackitis. Then there was the announcing. Then came the jump into professional baseball at the age when most players are starting to see slight declines in their skillsets. But Tim Tebow doesn't care. He doesn't care if you or I think that he is too old to be getting into baseball now. He draws his inspiration from God and Dennis Quaid, not us peasants. He's always dreamed of playing professional baseball, and what better way for the Mets to continue their upward climb out of the Bernie Madoff hole that they dug themselves into by turning a profit on a 29 year old non-prospect with small-time celebrity appeal.

But now Tim Tebow may be turning his best trick yet.

He may have found a way to endear himself to everyone without actually needing to be good at a sport (which, "good," was a stretch to begin with).

That's right, Tim Tebow went Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on everyone when he said in an interview yesterday that he wants to adopt a child from every continent. Well, almost every continent. Antarctica is missing, Tim. What's the matter with penguins? They're adorable, they're always wearing tuxedos, they fall off of and over literally everything.

Serious sidenote: Watch that penguin video and then ask yourself, "How in the hell is that species not extinct yet."

Back to Tebow.

I think it's wonderful that Tebow wants to adopt a whole country's worth of children. He has the means, he also has a checklist for the woman that wants to join him in this endeavor:

"Of course I want a woman who I’m attracted to. That’s a very big part of it. But I’m looking for someone who loves Jesus and loves people. Someone who makes me want to be a better person for her. And she has to want kids, and has to want to adopt. That’s a requirement."

Plus, if he gets really crazy with it, and decides that he wants to, not just adopt a child from every continent, but start sectioning his adoptions off by country, he might just get to busy to play baseball. And that would be a great gift for me. Because then I wouldn't have to stumble across headline stories talking about how he is going to be playing in Mets Spring Training games during the World Baseball Classic. The Mets could probably use that spot to audition a player who actually has a chance to be a major leaguer. Not use it as an opportunity to exploit Tim Tebow.

But, then again, this is the Mets we are talking about.

Josh Hamilton Avoids Suspension, John Carpino Avoids Good PR

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 22:04:00 +0000

Hi. My name is Josh, and I am an addict.

Hi, Josh.

This is a very real thing that is going to be said in the very near future for the Angels enigmatic and ridiculously overpaid and declining slugger, Josh Hamilton. And, it is a very real thing that became very very necessary with what has become his very public hearing regarding a cocaine relapse back in January. Angels' fans reactions on Twitter ranged from "Good. Baseball is not worried about the money he is owed ($83M), and is more concerned with Hamilton receiving the help that he needs" to "Great. The Angels can't dump this guy for anything now."

I personally can't say that I side with either party. I definitely don't side with the group of yahoos who are more concerned about simply getting rid of Josh Hamilton. My heart may not be much bigger than the Grinch's, but it is big enough to feel empathy. However, even though this is more of a human issue than a baseball issue, I can't just stand back and say that baseball needs to handle this with kiddie gloves. It is simply not that simple. I'm not just "on the fence," per say. I am chained to the fence. Padlocked to the fence. Welded to the fen...OK, maybe not welded. That could get painful.

Addiction, for anyone who knows, is a hellish monster. It is a daily struggle with the devil and the angel (no pun intended) that reside on an addicts shoulder. But, Hamilton had certain requirements that he had to adhere to upon his reinstatement into baseball by, then commissioner, Bud Selig. One such requirement was that he would be drug tested three times a week. The specifics were never revealed to the public, but is it really that much of a stretch to assume that lengthy suspensions would be in order if he failed even one test? Yeah, I didn't think so.

With all of that in mind, Hamilton relapsed. He didn't have a dirty drug test however (which is important), he instead admitted to his transgressions and laid himself upon the mercy of the court. The court came to a split decision and brought in an independent arbitrator who ruled that Hamilton could not be suspended because his actions were not in violation of baseball's JDA. A decision that I kind of agree with. Josh knew that there would be a punishment levied upon him if he slipped, now there is no punishment. No reaction to his action. No progress.

Aside from the ramblings of fans on Twitter, some of us waited for the Angels official statement regarding the Hamilton decision. This is what they said:

The Angels have serious concerns about Josh’s conduct, health and behavior and we are disappointed that he has broken an important commitment which he made to himself, his family, his teammates and our fans. We are going to do everything possible to assure he receives proper help for himself and for the well-being of his family.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is completely reasonable. What happened in January with Josh Hamilton really did happen. It cannot, and should not, be swept away and hidden in the closet. The Angels have every right to be concerned about Hamilton, his health and his choices off of the field. In a way, I see it as the Angels being almost parental towards Hamilton regarding the situation. Everything was going to be OK. But then John Carpino went and opened his mouth, allowing these words to cross his teeth and jump over his lips:

It defies logic that Josh's reported behavior is not a violation of his current program.

Head. Desk. You had one job, John. One job. You keep your mouth shut, and everyone moves on. Now, the entire Angels organization is in the cross heirs of national writers and bloggers. Ken Rosenthal's very un-Ken Rosenthal take. Craig Calcaterra has been beating the same drum for more than a month now, and the Angels will draw his full ire. Bob Nightengale? Yup. He's on it. For all we know, Joe Schmo of Paducah, KY is sitting at his computer in his underwear preparing his own hot take for JoeSchmo.com. This thing is blowing up in the organization's face because of one loud mouthed executive.

Personally, if I am Arte Moreno, I am repeatedly kicking Carpino in the balls while I fill out his pink slip in front of him. Just so he is fully aware of his own unbridled idiocy. Personally, as myself, as a biased fan who supports the Angels, His comments were, at best, embarrassing and insensitive. So what does Carpino do? An hour after his initial comments come out on Twitter and on the Angels official website, he calls up the Orange County Register and feeds them this line:

We've really got to get Josh the help that he needs. That’s where the focus is. We're dealing with a person here. And a family.

Back track much?

Carpino painted himself into a corner, a corner he didn't need to go into since Jerry Dipoto had already delivered a statement that showed compassion, worry and an honest disappointment in Josh Hamilton and his actions. I believe that Josh Hamilton needs to seek help, and I believe that Josh Hamilton needs support from his family and his peers, and I believe that Josh Hamilton needs to know that he has disappointed the people that care about him the most.

I also believe that John Carpino needs to be dealt with swiftly and strongly. His actions could cost the Angels even more money if Hamilton (and it is within his rights as an employee of the Angels organization) feels that it is necessary to file a grievance against the Angels because of Carpino's comments.

Once upon a time, I was on the fence regarding this situation. I believe in compassion, but also that tough love works. Now, because of Carpino, I applaud the fact that Hamilton will receive no suspension for his actions. He needs to seek help, but it is a good day knowing that he will not have to miss a substantial amount of the season without pay, and that he can worry solely on getting better before he returns to the playing field.

Phillies Willing to Spend $50 Million to Exile Ryan Howard

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 15:43:00 +0000

Dafuq?

It came three years too late, but it seems as if some form of common sense has crept into the brain of Ruben Amaro Jr. As of an hour ago according to Aaron Gleeman at Hardball Talk, the Phillies are reportedly willing to eat up to and including $50 million of Ryan Howard's enormous (read, incredibly stupid) contract that runs through the end of next season. There is an option on his contract for the 2017 season, but let's not kid ourselves into believing that that will actually get picked up by, well, anyone. If the Phillies really do go ahead and swallow the $50 million remaining on Howard's deal, that leaves basically the $10 million buyout for 2017 for some team to give Howard before he walks away and disappears into the woods somewhere.

If Amaro really intends to dump Howard faster than a knocked up Prom Queen, he has to hurry. Howard's 10 and five rights kick in on May 2nd, allowing him to block any trade to any team whilst he trolls the Phillies cheesesteak loving fanbase. Until then, Howard has a limited no trade clause that allows him to block trades to 20 Major League teams, seven NPB teams, five KBO teams and two ABL teams*. The Major Leageue teams that Howard cannot block a trade to are the Orioles, Red Sox, Tigers, Royals, Angels, Yankees, Mariners, Rays and Rangers. And, yes, I did notice that all of those teams are American League teams. It seems the contract negotiators were well aware of Howard's inability to properly wear a baseball glove. It goes on your hand, Ryan, not your head.

Personally, I am in agreement with Gleeman and his stance in his article linked above. The kind of production that a team can bank on when it comes to Ryan Howard is the same kind of production that they can bank on from a player making the league minimum. In fact, teams could probably get it for cheaper if players weren't guaranteed to make at least $500,000 at the Major League level. Since the extension kicked in, Howard has been worth -1.0 fWAR. That's right, negative. He was worth a whopping 0.4 fWAR in 2013, but some players are worth that much by simply brushing their teeth and flossing properly every morning. Howard, however, is six inches taller than me, and because of that, I have been in contact with the Phillies organization in an attempt to work out a deal that centers around me sending three tuna fish sandwiches, two bags of sour cream and cheddar ruffles and a sprite. I could really use the help dusting the top of my refrigerator and hanging pictures. But if Amaro pushes for Cheez-Its, I am tabling the talks. I have my dignity to think about here.

Best of luck to you, Amaro. Howard started tanking before this extension even kicked in, and I'm almost positive that all 30 Major League teams have some warm body hanging out in their system who can play terrible defense, strike out like its a fashion statement and take the occasional walk. All while not rupturing their Achilles Tendon on a groundout. Just sayin', Ruben. Just, you know, sayin'.

* - I Believe that the Australian Baseball League really only has two teams. They just put different names on different colored uniforms to make people believe that they have a fully functioning league.

There Was a Baseball Game Yesterday. No, Really

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 19:36:00 +0000

There is still snow on the ground outside of my window, and numerous forecasts calling for temperatures so low that no person in their right mind would inhabit those areas. But, yesterday, spring got even closer with the first exhibition game involving a major league franchise in the year 2015. Well, it was a game that kind of involved a major league franchise.

The Phillies suited up for their first taste of live ball against a team that wasn't made up of blow up dolls borrowed from a Cole Hamels weekend bender, and the results were not kind to Ryne Sandberg's bunch. Going up against the University of Tampa, it was assumed that, even with a team made up of major league hopefuls and non roster spring training invites would have little to no problem defeating a team of amateur players in western Florida. That was, of course, before someone decided to swap out those players with what I am assuming are the rejected cast extras from Magic Mike 2.

The two teams played to a 2-2 tie heading into the seventh when shortstop Giovanny Alfonzo hit a grand slam to give the Spartans a commanding 6-2 lead that would hold up for the balance of the contest. When reached for a comment after the game, Phillies manager, Ryne Sandberg, responded with this: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. None of the attending members of the press knew how to handle a stick figure Sandberg, so they all backed out slowly and ran to Lowry Park Zoo where they placed their heads in an alligators mouth. Presumably to save themselves from having to endure covering the Phillies in the 2015 season.

Congratulations, Philadelphia. These are your teams' fallback options in 2015. And it's not like many of the team's regular players are going to inspire that much more confidence, so, buckle up, because it is fifth place or bust in 2015.

Bovada World Series Odds For the Potential Gambling Addict in You

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:01:00 +0000

Getting bored waiting for the baseball season to arrive? Sitting on a pile of one dollar bills after you cleaned house on Christmas morning? Then maybe it is time to alleviate that boredom (at least for a little while) by doing dropping some of that dough on who you think will win the 2015 World Series. Too soon, you say? It is never too soon to be frivolous with money, says I.

How about we take a look at what odds Bovada is forcing upon us as we head into the new year, shall we?

	Los Angeles Dodgers	15/2
	Boston Red Sox	9/1
	Los Angeles Angels	10/1
	Washington Nationals	10/1
	Chicago Cubs	12/1
	Detroit Tigers	12/1
	San Francisco Giants	16/1
	Seattle Mariners	16/1
	St. Louis Cardinals	16/1
	Toronto Blue Jays	18/1
	Baltimore Orioles	20/1
	Chicago White Sox	25/1
	Kansas City Royals	25/1
	New York Mets	25/1
	New York Yankees	25/1
	San Diego Padres	25/1
	Atlanta Braves	28/1
	Cleveland Indians	33/1
	Miami Marlins	33/1
	Pittsburgh Pirates	33/1
	Milwaukee Brewers	40/1
	Oakland Athletics	40/1
	Texas Rangers	40/1
	Cincinnati Reds	50/1
	Tampa Bay Rays	66/1
	Arizona Diamondbacks	100/1
	Colorado Rockies	100/1
	Houston Astros	150/1
	Minnesota Twins	150/1
	Philadelphia Phillies	150/1

Looks like Bovada really digs the Dodgers moves at the Winter Meetings, but it's not enough to line your wallet should you make place a nominal bet on the Atlantics. The Cubs can thank the Jon Lester signing for improving their odds, but if they don't give Kris Bryant an everyday job out of Spring Training, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Despite having the second-best record in the AL last year, the Orioles have the 11th best odds coming into 2015. For my money, that's a good sleeper pick. At least, it's a good sleeper pick if you think that Nelson Cruz is overrated, which, I do.

Rounding out the list, and notable to the Off Base family, is the Reds coming at at 50/1 odds. Someone needs to give Mevs a hug. The Rays lost Joe Maddon and Andrew Friedman, so Bovada is burning their house down. After that we have the Astros, Twins and Phillies pulling up the rear at an insane 150/1. Be honest, who would've thought after the Phillies run of NL East dominance that they would share the same odds with the Astros? Please join me in LOLZing at the Phillies and their demise. Their sweet, sweet demise.

Personally, I tend to play it safe with things that could end up getting really expensive. I play it even safer with things that could possibly cost me the pants that I am currently wearing. I like the Orioles bet, but could be talked into a White Sox gamble considering the moves that they have made this offseason. If you are little more willing to take chances, The Indians could be a solid choice considering the lack of moves from the Royals and the aging of the Tigers.

But so help me, if the Phillies, Twins or Astros win it all this year, and I find out who it is, I have an iron maiden in my basement with your name written all over it.

Corey Kluber: BBA Walter Johnson Award Winner

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 14:49:00 +0000

Some decisions in life are easy, some are not. Brushing your teeth in the morning is an easy decision because rotted teeth are gross, and nobody likes rotted teeth. Therefore, you get up, every morning, squeeze some Crest onto a toothbrush and scrub scrub scrub. Showering is an easy decision. Nobody wants to smell you, not even you. See, easy decisions. There were a lot of decisions like this that we at Off Base Percentage encountered while filling out the ballots for the BBA Awards. There were also some not as easy decisions in our way. One of them being the Walter Johnson Award for the American League. This was not a get up and brush your teeth decision. This was a "Do I want steak or chicken tonight?" decision.

After much deliberating, Off Base Percentage went with Corey Kluber as the winner in the AL this year. And it really was the most razor thin of margins that led to our choices. Look for yourself. That link gives you Kluber vs. Felix Hernandez on Fangaphs. One on one, mano y mano. Go ahead and pick a winner, smarty pants.

Our collective choice to give the first place vote to Kluber was not a slight against Hernandez. Hernandez deserves a Cy Young for the season he put together. He got better again. It is hard to fathom that as a thing that is actually possible in the known universe, but it is true. Felix Hernandez went out and had a better season this year than he has ever had. His strikeouts went up. His walks went down. His ground ball percentage went up while both his line drive and fly ball rates went down. He's the American League's Clayton Kershaw, and he's on a path to the Hall of Fame.

The problem with Hernandez deserving the Cy Young for the season that he had is that he doesn't deserve it this year. It just so happens that as good as Hernandez was in 2014, Kluber really was better. And not to be unfair to Kluber or anything, but it came out of nowhere. Mostly because Corey Kluber started striking out damn near everyone he faced. In fact, I am pretty sure he just set down my third grade teacher on three pitches.

Here's a list of the categories that are important to me that Kluber was better than Hernandez in in 2014:

K/9
HR/FB
FIP
fWAR
K%
FIP-

His FIP, to be exact, is very important to me in the argument of Kluber over Hernandez.

In 2014, Hernandez allowed a BABIP-against of .258. League average was .287. The defensive efficiency rating on Fangraphs has the Mariners tied for 12th in Major League Baseball last season. They were, as a team, worth 5.8 runs above average on defense. That defense helped Hernandez and his ground ball tendencies. And it shows in his career stats as he has a career BABIP-against of .295 and posted BABIP-against numbers above .300 in 2011, 12 and 13. This helped Hernandez's ERA as he posted an absurd and career low ERA of 2.14. However, his FIP of 2.56 was 0.42 higher than his ERA. Still an exceptional number, but for the last three seasons his FIP has been better than his ERA.

In 2014, Corey Kluber allowed a BABIP-against of .316. A career-best, but still ridiculously high. Now, let's look at the Indians defensive rating (surgeon general's warning: this won't be pretty). The Indians ranked 29th in Major League Baseball last year in defensive efficiency per Fangraphs. They were worth a preposterous 64.8 runs below average last year. If it weren't for the Astros being worth -74.0 runs, the Indians would have been this year's anti-Royals.

Thanks to his dramatic uptick in strikeouts over last season, Kluber was able to keep his ERA at a wonderfully low 2.44. And thanks to FIP normalizing BABIP to the league average (again, .287), Kluber's FIP clocked in this year at 2.35. One point to Kluber for having a better FIP than Hernandez. Bonus for Kluber having a better FIP than his own ERA.

This was the basis of the argument in voting for Kluber over Hernandez. Felix pitched his games in front of good-but-not-great defensive team and he pitched for a team that, for the first time since he has been there, were playing with a postseason possibility in their sights. This was a good team that had an outside chance of playing in October until the final few days of the season. Kluber pitched for an offensive-minded team that seemingly played each game without the luxury of baseball gloves while tying their fingers together before stepping onto the field.

Corey Kluber got more offensive help than Hernandez did, but when he was on the mound, he was probably better off pulling a Satchel Paige by having the defense take a knee while he pitched. I'm sure that wouldn't have hurt the defensive efficiency rating.

Both men pitched fantastic seasons. Both men pitched fantastic seasons that are worthy of Cy Young Award consideration. And it is not that Felix Hernandez wasn't great this season, it is just that Corey Kluber was greater.

Joe Maddon Ops out of Contract

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 18:13:00 +0000

Oh boy, here we go.

With the news last week of the Dodgers stealing Andrew Friedman, Joe Maddon has also decided to jump the Tampa Bay Rays ship and opt out of his current contract that ran through 2015. Which, according to Jon Heyman, was his right. Yes, I did just link a tweet by Jon Heyman. That's how serious this is.
Here is the official statement coming out of the Rays camp on Maddon's sudden departure from St. Petersburg:

Here's what Principal Owner Stuart Sternberg had to say regarding Joe Maddon's departure from the #Rays: pic.twitter.com/klaNMgX4w0
— Tampa Bay Rays (@RaysBaseball) October 24, 2014

Well done, Tampa Bay. It is probably best that you don't sound like a jilted lover who is ready to key a car and slash some tires at this moment.

So, what does this mean? Joe Maddon opting out that is. It means that endless, wild and completely unadulterated shit losing is happening on Twitter. Dodgers fans are losing their mind because they are Dodgers fans and that's what they do. But, it is hard to not jump to that conclusion with the recent hiring of Friedman. However, the Dodgers brain trust has said over and over at least two and a half times that they are committed to Don Mattingly.

The Cubs are another name that are popping up repeatedly today as well. And it is a sentiment that Buster Olney of ESPN has echoed as well on Twitter today. And, to be fair, it is a solid guess. A rebuilding team that is finally starting to get its young up-and-coming prospects to the big leagues, sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it.

My personal guess would have been the Astros, but they don't have foresight and inexplicably hired A.J. Hinch last month. At the same time, details shmetails, amirite? I mean, this is the kind of thing that can be worked around if the Astros are savvy about it. Here's a how I envision that they could do it:

Astros: A.J.? Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Hinch: All is well here. What can I do for you guys? And why am I on speaker?

Astros: Well, um, there's been a bit of a mix up. You see, the thing is, we lost your contract. Tommy was reorganizing the files and he didn't recognize your name so he threw away your contract.

Hinch: That's fine. I have a copy here, and my agent has one as well. This isn't that big of a deal.

Astros: No, you don't. And your agent doesn't either.

Hinch: ............

Astros: ............

Hinch: So, what is it you are trying to say?

Astros: What we are trying to say is that we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Hinch: Now wait a minute. We had a...

Astros: /hangs up phone

See? Simple. All the Astros need to do now is to hire some Navy SEALs as mercenaries. And then it is smooth sailing towards hiring Joe Maddon as their manager for 2015 and beyond. What? You mean to tell me that it can't work that way? Sure it can. I'm probably already being looked into for even suggesting this. Hey? What's that red dot on my chest? Did I spill ketch

Off Base Percentage World Series Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 23:12:00 +0000

Sup? Sup. /head nod Suuuuuuup.

Here we are. It's the middle of October, and baseball has now finally widdled itself down to its final two teams. As all the experts predicted, the Royals and the Giants will square off on Tuesday to kick off the 111th World Series. What? No one predicted this World Series matchup? OK, maybe they didn't. But, now that we are here, who is really upset about this matchup? That's right. Nobody.

In advance of the Fall Classic, the Czar of Off Base Percentage, MJ Lloyd, and myself are going to kick around the old question ball and see if we can come to a consensus on who will be standing victorious at the end of the World Series. We put on pants for this shindig, so you would know that we mean business. Well, MJ is wearing pants. I'm wearing Spongebob Squarepants pajama pants. But for this exercise, they count as pants.

Let's cut to the chase, MJ. Ned Yost. Micro-managing genius, or insanely lucky? Side thought: How much does the ghost of Dale Earnhardt have to do with the Royals insane winning streak in these playoffs?

It's funny that Ned Yost was your first question because that was going to be my first question. But more of an over/under on when he calls for the first bunt of the World Series and I imagine it comes during media day. "Eric, you've been hot but as soon as somebody asks you a question with a runner on, you square up that mic and put it down the right exit hallway."

I don't think he's been lucky or good. He realized he needs his starter for five or six innings and if they have a lead, they win. I'll give him credit for using some of those guys for multiple innings but, oh god, Dayton Moore did a fine job giving him a bullpen that can win a championship.

And maybe the ghost of Earnhardt has played a role with the Royals. It's a nice story. Maybe Ned is hearing whispers of "go faster" when he sends everybody running on the bases. That would explain why Dyson gunned it so hard (20.1 mph) he slid past second into left field.

While I'm sure I know the answer long suffering Royals fans would give, I'll ask you. Is the Royals winning the World Series worth another 10 years of Ned Yost and Dayton Moore? Flags fly forever and sac bunts only drive you crazy for 162 games a year.

Worth it? To the outsider, probably not. But for fans, a World Series hangover can last for a long time. Of course, Ned Yost's wacky and zany land of small ball antics will only be endearing for as long as it is working. And I believe that the expiration date for this product is coming up pretty soon. But, to be fair to Yost, Joe Torre was considered a terrible manager before he got hired to manage the dynasty that was the late 90's Yankees. So, for Yost, who knows. Maybe he has finally found his place in KC. But, at this stage, I'm banking on the smoke and mirrors wearing off sometime around March of 2015.

Whatever crossroads both Yost and Moore went to in order to hook up with Robert Johnson and his genie of dark magic, they need to share it's location. I'm not saying that it is a good idea to sell your soul to the Devil, I'm just saying that maybe its not as bad of an idea as I originally thought.

Jarrod Dyson's hair? Fun and quirky oddity of this year's playoffs, or an undeniable cry for help?

Fun and quirky for sure. You've never had some strange choices in hair? When I was in my early 20's, my spikey hair color changed every two weeks and I had designs in my facial hair that would impress Jeff Hardy.

Dyson has one big job for this Royals team. Run fast. So, he chose to shave "Zoom" into the side of his head. If they win the World Series, Dyson's agent better get Mazda on the phone.

Speaking of agents getting on the phone, if the Giants win, what else would Buster Posey have to do to be the face of MLB? Seems like he should be a bigger star.

I had a rat tail at one point, and in recent years I've been rocking the mullet with a receding hair line. So, yes, I have enjoyed strange hair style choices. Maybe I should take it easy on Dyson.

Posey on the other hand, could probably use a bottle of my newly created and recently patented (but still not FDA approved) elixir, Be Less Boring. Posey is a wonderful player, and an excellent catcher. But, my goodness, is he boring. Without being a flashy star like some of the other big names in the game, he needs to do something. Maybe start compiling a rap sheet, or buy drinks for the entire bar after a series win a la Eric Hosmer.

Say you are walking down a dark alley in some seedy neighborhood in a scary city in America, who would you rather not run into in this situation: Hunter Pence, Michael Morse or Eric Hosmer? Why Hosmer, you ask. Have you heard him yell things?

Can I choose Pablo Sandoval if he wasn't smiling? If I ran into him in a dark alley of a shady neighborhood, I'd assume he was a bodyguard for the local mob leader. Plus he knows Kung-Fu, or so I've heard.

And if I was trying to get into a club, I wouldn't want to run into Madison Bumgarner. He doesn't give free passes this time of year.

Are you impressed by my boy MadBum yet?

Yes, I am. And not just because his snot rockets are monitored, charted and tracked (I hear his velocity on boogers is up from last year. Worth keeping an eye on). He's just good at everything on the mound. He also has great hair and wonderful facial hair. But I'm still not upset that I left him off of the ballot for the Walter Johnson Award.

Everyone made a big deal about the Royals being last in the known world in hitting dingers in 2014. However, the Giants hit exactly zero dingers until game five of the NLCS in this year's playoffs. With all of the media fawning over what is happening with regards to the Royals, is it possible that the media is missing out on a team that is out-Royalsing the Royals?

Could be. Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas were highly regarded prospects. So, maybe their monster shots in extra innings were just more exciting than Michael Morse and Travis Ishikawa? The Giants at least hit 132 homers during the regular season. The Royals finished dead last and didn't break 100. That makes the recent power surge a talking point for anybody trying to make a deadline. Speaking of which...

Let's start making some predictions. There's always an unlikely hero in the World Series. I know David Eckstein actually won a WS MVP but I want to call this the Eckstein anyway. That makes my pick David Eckstein. Wait, I mean Alcides Escobar. Who you got?

I'm putting my collection of George Washington's on Alex Gordon. It'll be the perfect ending to this KC masterpiece when the team's longest tenured, and former hotshot prospect, carries this band of crazy midwesterners to their first title in 29 years.

I assume that since you are picking Escober to take home the Eckstein that you are also picking the Royals to win the series. Is that correct?

You would think, right? I love that Royals bullpen and them in six sounds awfully tempting. But if I've learned anything since 2010, it's that Lindsay Lohan is never going to get her shit together. Also, the Giants win the World Series in even numbered years. I'll take the Giants in seven with Madison Bumgarner winning three games and the actual WS MVP.

Your final prediction?

Royals in six. Cut, print, on to the next scene. Their bullpen has made each game a five-inning affair, or it has been able to keep the opposition down for five innings of free baseball. They also have history on their side. The only other time that two Wild Card teams met in the World Series, the American League team won. This matters because, who really cares about sample size? Either way, it is going to be a really fun series that I am sure will cause 30-year old men in Kansas City and San Francisco to lose at least a solid inch of hair from their hairline.

Best of luck to the Gigantes and the Monarchs. To the fans: Stock up on antacids. All the antacids.