Off Base Percentage

The Derwood Morris Fantasy Baseball Team

noreply@blogger.com (Derwood Morris) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:37:00 +0000

I hadn't played fantasy baseball since 2006, the year I drafted Derek Jeter first overall and the other people in the league (one claimed his name was "Dave", sounded made up) said I was a fool. Then Jeter hit .343 and I won the league (I also had Johan Santana and Carlos Beltran, but I think Vinny from Jersey would agree that Chewing On Derwood Morris' Fingers doesn't win without Jeetah).

From 2007-2012 I skipped fantasy baseball season. I just didn't have time because I get so wrapped up in the NFL Draft.

Anyway, fast forward to late-April, 2013, and we have Lavelle Rondo Apologists, the first Derwood Morris-led fantasy baseball team in seven years.

Today was draft day in the Federal League at cbssports.com, and Lavelle Rondo Apologists had the fourth overall pick. The following is a running account of how it went.

10:53 a.m. - Awake in time for my usual pre-draft ritual of grapefruit juice and jelly beans. Said out loud: "Todd Helton is still active?!"

11:00 a.m. - Draft begins. It feels just like Opening Day, except no actual games are being played, I'm in my apartment and my cat just threw up the ceremonial first paper clip.

First three picks: Ryan Braun, Bryce Harper and Justin Upton. That coincides with my draft board, which has a drawing of a man with a salami sandwich for a head.

11:04 a.m. - With the fourth pick of the draft, Joey Votto becomes the first member of Lavelle Rondo Apologists.

Like all members of the Apologists, Votto will soon be mailed an eight-ounce bottle of peanut shells.

11:13 a.m. - In the second round, Buster Posey becomes our team's second member. It's the second time I've had a guy named Buster in my fantasy career (Buster Bray, 1941. Finished eighth).

11:15 a.m. - 'From Worst to First' picks Cubs' shortstop Starlin Castro with the 19th overall pick. The first Cub has been taken, so I do a celebratory shot of mustard.

Motivational poster just hung on my wall: CLUBHOUSE PRESENCE.

11:17 a.m. - 11:20 a.m. - After each of the next six players is selected, I yell out "I wanted that guy, Sam!" to give the appearance that a guy named Sam is in the room drafting with me.

11:21 a.m. - Giants' pitcher Madison Bumgarner becomes a member of LRA with the fourth pick of the third round.

Bumgarner also becomes the early favorite in pin the tail on Buster Posey at the post-season Banquet/Let's Gather Around And Look At My Road Atlas (September, 2013).

11:23 a.m. - The Apologists take Ryan Zimmerman in the fourth round leading to league-wide speculation that Norichika Aoki will next be off the board.

11:24 a.m. - 'BadNewsBros' select Norichika Aoki.

11:29 a.m. - The pitching staff is starting to take shape as Mat Latos is added with the 44th overall pick.

11:34 a.m. - Rickie Weeks is the last of four Brewers to be drafted in the fifth round. In the words of famous manager Poog Cronin, "never underestimate fresh legs."

11:38 a.m. - 11:45 a.m. - Next two picks are Dexter Fowler, who will be called 'Dex' in the clubhouse, and the subject of MTD's tell-all book I Watch You Brush Your Teeth, Chase Utley.

11:46 a.m. - We're in the eighth round now, so it's safe to pick players from the Marlins and 'Roscop45' selects Juan Pierre with the first pick. Seven spots later, LRA selects Pablo Sandoval.

11:49 a.m. - Clock is ticking in the ninth round.....and we get Starling Marte, which breaks my own pre-draft rule of no Pirates.

Motivational poster just hung on my wall: TABLE SETTERS.

11:53 a.m. - Break my second pre-draft rule of no Cubs by picking Alfonso Soriano, who had one home run and 2 RBIs through Monday. He's also tied for second in the NL in games played with 25. Said out loud after checking league rules: "Oh, I guess games played is not a statistic in fantasy baseball."

11:58 a.m. - While searching for information on Nolan Arenado, (searches included 'Rockies players', and 'is this how you spell "Arenado"'?), the auto pilot kicks in and drafts Jason Kubel for me in the 11th round.

"We got Kubel!"

- LRA general manager Robert Feathers

12:01 p.m. - 12:11 p.m. - Next five picks: Domonic Brown, who will be called "Dom-Dom" in the clubhouse; Jaime Garcia; Rafael Betancourt; Hyun-Jin Ryu, who will also be called "Dom-Dom" in the clubhouse; Nate Schierholtz.

This thing is 29 rounds?!

12:17 p.m. - Haven't played fantasy baseball in seven years? Here's a four-step guide to help get you through draft day:

1. Learn as few of the players' names as possible
2. Eat a lot of dollar store pretzels
3. Try to get all of the socks you own on your feet
4. Draft Cliff Pennington and Ruben Tejada in back-to-back rounds

12:24 p.m. - We add Jorge De La Rosa, Bobby Parnell and Santiago Casilla to the LRA bullpen in rounds 19-21.

And it's time for the 21st round toenail clip.

12:30 p.m. - Colorado third baseman Jordan Pacheco taken with the 217th overall pick. 217th in your programs, 838th in your hearts.

Said out loud: "J.J. Putz is still active?"

12:35 p.m. - Another round, another shortstop to compete with Ruben Tejada for at bats as Billy Hamilton is the newest member of LRA.

Helton drafted in the 24th round by 'Sauk Centre Mainstreeters'. I yell out "can you believe it, Captain Abraham, someone drafted Todd Helton!" to give the appearance that someone named Captain Abraham is in the room drafting with me.

12:41 p.m. - Matt Belisle and Francisco Liriano are taken in the 25th and 26th rounds. Two picks after Liriano, 'From Worst to First' selects Yasiel Puig. My draft board, which is a used envelope with 'Teen Wolf Three: Uncle Howard's Revenge' written on it, had Yasiel Puig going in the 28th round, so that's a steal for 'From Worst to First'.

12:48 p.m. - I'll remember my 2013 fantasy draft for one thing and one thing only: the moment I knew that Miguel Olivio would fall to me in the 27th round.

12:54 p.m. - Final two picks are Frank Francisco and Wily Peralta, who will always be addressed as a duo in the clubhouse: "Pastramiears".

Last player taken is Brandon Inge.

And finally, we've chosen a team logo!

Jean Segura Doesn't Care About Direction

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 06:08:00 +0000

There are a few certainties in life, guarantees if you will. The sun will rise in the east and, subsequently, set in the west. Your taxes will be due on April 14th every year. Ed McMahon will not be coming by my house anytime soon to deliver a giant check. When running the bases, you will not go back a base after advancing to the next one. These are guarantees in life that we can all rest our laurels upon. At least, they all were until today, when Jean Segura - the rookie shortstop for the Milwaukee Brewers - went and disrupted the space-time continuum by, essentially, stealing first base against the Chicago Cubs.

Now, I can probably guess what it is that you are thinking. You're most likely wondering how in the world is that even possible? Is Segura a warlock? Is he a wizard? Is he a Jedi Master of the highest order? All of these options are ~~completely ridiculous~~ entirely possible. However, in this case, I think we can eliminate all of those possibilities and agree that Segura is, simply put, a slight of hand magician.

Too easy, right? There has to be more to it, right? I mean, he stole first base. You can't steal first base. You just can't. Well, luckily we have technology and the interwebz, and CBS Sports posting articles with GIF's embedded into them. Below, is said GIF.

Before this play, Segura had stolen second base. Standard enough. Then Ryan Braun worked a walk off of Kevin Gregg. Then Segura decided he was going to steal third. Gregg did a spin move and tossed the ball to Luis Valbuena. Having watched the play go on from first base, Braun decided to try and move up to second during the ensuing rundown, except Segura was in no mood to make an out. This is where the magic comes in. Watch closely.

The second base umpire, Phil Cuzzi (he of the terrible ALDS "foul" call in the 2009 ALDS), only watches Segura until he has touches second base. Then focuses all of his attention (or maybe he is "forced" to focus all of his attention) on Ryan Braun, who is tagged out for occupying the same base as Segura. Segura then sneaks off, cleverly acting as though he is jogging back to the dugout before pulling a quick one on everybody, and effectively stealing first base.

All of Segura's baserunning fun from that inning can be viewed here.

Whether this is an elaborate scheme, or just Jean Segura trying to pad his stats by stealing second base twice in the same inning is anyone's guess. But, he has squashed a once iron clad certainty. And now, when someone says "that you can't steal first base," you can point here and say, "Yes, yes you can."

Joe Nathan Gets Save 300 With an Assist from Marty Foster

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 05:31:00 +0000

Once upon a summer's day, Joe Nathan was as elite a reliever as you could find in all of baseball. As a member of the one-time Major League Baseball organization Minnesota Twins, Nathan established himself as such with an ERA+ of 204 and accruing 18.4 WAR according to Baseball-Reference. He appeared in four All Star Games and had two seasons where he finished in the top five for the American League Cy Young award. Not too shabby for a failed starter.

Although he hasn't been the same quality of reliever that he was for the Twinkies, Nathan has been at the very least, consistent and reliable for the Texas Rangers. Of course, at age 38, it would be unfair to expect anything more from a person who is 12 years away from AARP benefits and 15 years away from needing a colostomy bag. He did post an ERA+ last year of 163 and was still good enough for a bWAR of 1.9. Tommy John Surgery may have extended his career an extra couple of seasons, but chances are, he is coming up on his last ride in the not to distant future.

Of course, getting up there in age as a baseball player has a couple of benefits. One, the league's vision plan covers the cost of needing trifocals, and two, counting stats reach numbers that make most sportswriters waist bands tight. and tonight, was one of those nights.

With Ben Zobrist at the plate, and a man on first base, Joe Nathan threw a 3-2 "curveball," striking out Zobrist looking, and securing both a Rangers win and save number 300. Of course, none of this would've been possible without a liiiiiiiittle bit of help from home plate umpire Marty Foster. First, the picture:

OK, maybe that could be called a strike. It's a 3-2 count, top of the ninth inning, and it's close. Of course, it wasn't really that close. GIF time.

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8118/8632771029_037cfd4de4_o.gif

Oh my. Oh my goodness. Yeah, that wasn't even close. Looks like MLB Gameday might want to update it's pitchtrax system. and of course, no episode of "Rays Done Wrong" would be complete without a video that shows Joe Maddon getting all kinds of upset.

The "take away's" from the video; Joe Nathan can't believe it, Ben Zobrist probably wants to "Brett Lawrie" Marty Foster, for Tim Welke's sake, I hope Joe Maddon invests in tic-tac's. And obviously, A.J. Pierzynski is still a total and complete tool bag.

So, congratulations on save number one, Marty Foster, may it be the first of many. To Joe Nathan, good luck on your continued pursuit of your 300th save. I know the books say that you have already gotten to that point, but I'm not counting this one.

Trevor Bauer Throws A Golden Huarache

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 23:03:00 +0000

So far, Trevor Bauer's adjustment to life in pro ball from UCLA is off to a much worse start than Keifer Sutherland's television career after 24. Have you seen Touch? Yeah, neither has anyone else. Making his Cleveland Indians debut after the Diamondbacks jettisoned Bauer (Trevor) for cents on the dollar, the 22-year-old pitcher turned in a performance that led me to believe I could have been an on base monster in the majors. Except, you know, I cramped up typing that sentence.

Before we get to Bauer's first inning where he was (allegedly) blindfolded and spun around a bat 10 times, I should explain the title of this post. I've decided to take it upon myself to name a stat that nobody is tracking because..you're welcome. A Golden Huarache is when a pitcher walks four batters in an inning. A huarache is a Mexican sandal. Sounds reasonable, right? What Bauer did, however, was throw a Natural Golden Huarache or walk the first four batters he faced. Let's see how the magic happened...

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Desmond Jennings looking. Oh, I suppose all of these will be looking. I'm used to covering Golden Sombreros. Jennings took the first pitch for a strike before getting four consecutive balls. Four Consecutive Balls is also the name of a male strip club in New Orleans. So I've heard.

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Matt Joyce. Bauer got ahead in the count 0-2 before falling behind 3-2. Joyce fouled two off before taking the walk.

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Ben Zobrist. On four pitches. Here's my artist's rendition of the at bat...

Bottom 1st: Bauer walks Evan Longoria. This was actually a nine pitch battle because Longoria swung at stuff having clearly not watched the first three plate appearances by his teammates. But he managed to get that sweet bases loaded walk RBI anyway.

Bauer got out of the inning after James Loney fouled out on the first pitch he saw, Yunel Escobar lined out and Joyce was out at home. All said, Bauer threw 105 pitches (59 strikes) over 5.0 innings giving up just three runs on two hits and seven walks. The injured and often terrible Scott Kazmir can breathe easy, unless that strains his back, considering his fifth spot in the Indians rotations appears safe.

But it does raise the question of what is wrong with Trevor Bauer. Is he masking an injury? Is he just not that good? Is his pregame warmup stupid? Did his daughter get caught in a cougar trap in season two? No, that would be ridiculous. Could it be the dreaded yips? Because I hear Chuck Knoblauch holds a camp that teaches you how to not cry after throwing a baseball 50 feet from its intended target.

If I had to guess, Bauer probably just needs glasses and to stop sleeping with Corbin Bernsen's wife.

John Lackey's Arm Blows Up, Again.

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:45:00 +0000

To say that John Lackey has been a huge disappointment since joining the Red Sox after the 2009 season, would be, well, I don't think calling it an understatement would actually do justice to just how underwhelming he has been since signing a five-year $82.5MM deal. He was very "meh" in 2010, then proceeded to have the worst season for a Red Sox pitcher ever in 2011 (minimum 140 IP). He got tons of bad press when he filed divorce from his wife after the 2011 season while she was battling breast cancer. Then he missed all of the 2012 season after having Tommy John surgery. I could go on, but I really don't need to.

Today, Lackey made his "triumphant" return to the mound against the Toronto Blue Jays. And with one out in the fifth inning, this happened:

Your browser does not support iframes.

Ouch. That looked painful. It's being reported by ESPN Boston as a "Biceps Strain," but that's a little too close to a surgically repaired elbow for comfort. I doubt many Sox fans are even noticing, it's not as if their hopes for the season hinged on the right arm of the Horse Faced one. But he could have at least faked it as a league average pitcher for half of the season. If this is the end for Lackey, at least he's made enough lettuce to keep him rolling in the carrots for a long time.

Travis Blackley DFA'd, Hangs out with Fans.

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 01:12:00 +0000

A long, long time ago. I can still remember how the sunshine made me feel inside. I used to play-ay baseball, at a high school in southern California, And two years behind me was this kid Daric Barton.

OK, so I'm not much for making song parodies, but at least I speak da troof. The Oakland Athletics DFA'd a Jordan Norberto, Daric Barton and Travis Blackley yesterday from their Major League roster as spring training dwindles away and Opening Day creeps closer.

Daric Barton was a slight unfortunate for this blogger. Barton is a graduate of Marina High School in Huntington Beach, CA, the high school that just so happens to be my Alma Mater. Barton had seemingly stamped his ticket as an everyday Major League player in 2010 when he posted a .273/.393/.405 slash line, collecting a league leading 110 walks and putting up a bWAR of 5.4. But, after 67 games in 2011, he was diagnosed with a torn labrum and missed the rest of the season. He came back late in 2012, but struggled to the tune of a .204/.338/.292 slash line and a bWAR of 0.3. His spring was looking eerily similar to 2012, so the A's made the decision to send him packing.

But this isn't about Barton, I'm just waxing poetic for the sake of waxing poetic. This is about Travis Blackley, and what he did today after getting the same heave-ho that Barton got.

There really is no way to tip toe around it, Blackley got torched this spring. If anyone has a batter way to describe him giving up 20 earned runs in 12.2 IP, I'm all ears. But instead of sulking around and being a depressing figure while stalking around Oakland Coliseum today, Blackley did the opposite. He ventured out among the fans and took in an A's game as if he was one of them, tweeting away as he went.

One last game in the coliseum.Weird being on this side of the fence! #goAs #yourbad #canwin twitter.com/Travis_Blackle…
— Travis Blackley (@Travis_Blackley) March 30, 2013

He then shifted gears, and headed out to be one with the bleacher creatures.

Sitting next to @oakfosho in RF bleachers.Great spot to see a game!Behind home plate is for the birds! twitter.com/Travis_Blackle…
— Travis Blackley (@Travis_Blackley) March 30, 2013

He also had parting words for the fans, which says more about the fans than it does about T-Black.

As this chapter ends, hopefully a new one begins.Thank you so much to Oakland and its fans! #canwin #ourbad twitter.com/Travis_Blackle…
— Travis Blackley (@Travis_Blackley) March 29, 2013

Blackley only spent one year in Oakland, putting up a bWAR of 1.2 in 24 appearances across 102.2 innings. It would be easy for fans to not get attached to a player in that short amount of time. But, considering the run that Oakland went on last year, it is completely understandable to see a fan base gravitate to a group of players like these fans did.

So, good for you Travis. I applaud you for staying classy at a time when primadonna players with oversized egos and bank accounts rule the landscape. Well done, even if your overachieving team did blew up my prediction model last year.

Yankees Trade for Vernon Wells. Yes, You Read That Correctly

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 15:20:00 +0000

This offseason hasn't gone exactly to plan for the New York Yankees. They uncharacteristically backed off of pursuing big time free agents and are trying a "bargain bin" approach for 2013. Then it was released that Alex Rodriguez was going to need hip surgery, again. Then came the Biogenesis mess which - and, of course, this was going to happen - A-Rod was linked too. Then Curtis Granderson took a fastball off of the forearm in a spring training game, breaking said forearm. Then, Mark Teixeira strained his right wrist while working out with Team USA in preparation for the WBC. Last week however, ESPN reported that Tex's injury is a more serious partially torn tendon sheath. Michael Pineda still can't find his way to a mound, and might have the only shoulder that is worse off than Tommy Hanson's, and none of this would be complete without mentioning how Derek Jeter is likely to start the season on the DL for the first time since 2001. Are you with me so far? It's a lot to digest, I know, but this really has been the offseason from hell for the pinstriped ones.

Enter Jerry Dipoto, Vernon Wells and a panicking Brian Cashman.

According to Buster Olney, the Dipoto had approached Cashman at the winter meetings about a possible deal that included sending Wells to New York. And at the time, as any GM not named Tony Reagins would do, Cashman said "No." Of course, at the time, Cashman had a full roster of veteran players and had no real use for a fourth outfielder who would be making as much as Vernon Wells would. My, oh my. What a difference three months can make, because now, not only is Cashman willing to trade for Wells, but he's also willing to take on - reportedly - $13MM of the remaining salary as well. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Dipoto: So, Brian, how about we talk about Vernon Wells again? You've had quite the slew of...
Cashman: I'll do it, but I'm only eating $13MM of the salary he's owed.
Dipoto: *Turns to Arte Moreno and whispers* Um, Arte, he's going to give us money to take Wells off of our hands.
Moreno: ¿Cuanto?
Dipoto: 13 sir.
Moreno: ¡HIJO DE PUTA! Do it mijo!
Dipoto: Ahem. Yeah, Brian, That'll wor....
Cashman: OK, good. Now let's talk personnel.
Dipoto: ..........

I asked Jerry Dipoto if there were any transcripts of the conversation between him and Brian Cashman. He asked me how I had gotten his cell phone number.

Twitter, of course, exploded. Angels fans rejoiced and Yankees fans were last seen mobilizing for a march on Times Square. I guess that's what happens when a team trades for a player who over the last two seasons has only been good enough for a -0.3 bWAR and posted a slash line of .222/.258/.409. At least he got to hang out with Mike Trout and Captain Morgan during that time. So far, there has been no news of any player(s) heading out to Los Angeles (Anaheim) as part of the deal, but at this point, I doubt Angels fans actually care. The last stamp from Tony Reagins' reign has been removed, which is probably plenty good enough for them.

Top-ish Story Lines of 2013

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 15:33:00 +0000

Cubs fans still can't watch

With pitchers and catchers voluntary reporting date only five days away, my baseball withdrawals have gone from manageable to unbearable. I have the night time sweats, clammy palms and random abdominal pains, and these symptoms get worse when I try to remember the exact amount of seconds remaining until reporting time, or when I read about what Joe Flacco's idiot agent said the other day. With all of that being said, rambling about baseball is the only methadone-like treatment that seems to help. So, without further adieu, My top story lines for the 2013 season.

Will Alex Rodriguez play in 2013? - This could also be titled, "Will the Yankees try commit fraud in 2013?" After talking to quite a few Yankees fans, the general consensus is that if A-Rod doesn't play, the season will be a success. Sure his teammates might like his antics, but fans despise him. His recovery time is listed at six-ish months meaning that he could be back by late June, which means I should set up my New York Yankee Fans Suicide Prevention Hotline sometime in the next couple of months.

Welcome to the AL West, Houston Astros. - Oh goodie. Last season the Astros lost 107 games playing in the NL Central which sported a cumulative winning percentage of .476. Now, they are joining the AL West which had the best winning percentage in the American League last year at .542. In 1899 the Cleveland Spiders of the National League lost 134 games, good for a winning percentage of .130. To tie that winning percentage mark, the Astros would have to lose 141 games, Let's make this happen.

Will the Dodgers money printing machine falter? - This is the only logical explanation for their winter spending spree right? Sure they signed a $7B TV deal and are starting their own network, but they are the first time other than the Yankees to have a $200M+ payroll, and I can't be the only one who remembers how well those former Red Sox players failed under the pressure of huge payroll expectations. Who else is rooting for a misappropriation of funds?

How will the Upton brothers perform? - Raise your hand if you have brothers *raises hand*. Raise your hand if you have ever fought with you brothers *raises hand*. Each year the MLB Network has a reality TV show, and now that they don't have the option of following a Jose Guillen led team, and still aren't returning my calls about a show that revolves around arbitration cases, this one seems like a sure fire ratings winner.

Is the 106th season the season? - Everyone knows when the last time the Cubs won the World Series was, and lost in all of the Houston Astros glory last year was that the Cubs lost 101 games. Theo Epstein knows how to reverse a curse, and so far has made smart moves to try and turn around this franchise. But is it in the tarot cards this year for the inhabitants of the "Friendly Confines?" Probably not, but once they hit a winning streak of three games, be prepared for an onslaught of ESPN love.

That should hold me over for *checks pocket watch* 30 minutes. Hurry up baseball, some of us simply cannot take the waiting any longer.

A Whole New Meaning to the Term A-Fraud

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 16:10:00 +0000

Pucker up

It's very rare these days to have a news story come out of nowhere and knock the public upside the head with a 20 pound sledgehammer. But that is exactly what happened yesterday when The Miami New Times News ran this Tim Elfrink story about an anti aging clinic in Miami. The story then exploded. His three months worth of research linked not only players that got busted last year for testing positive for heightened levels of testosterone in their system (Bartolo Colon, Melky Cabrera), but it also uncovered a few names that escaped any scrutiny. There was the "surprise shock" in seeing Gio Gonzalez's name attached to the report, there was the "kind of surprising, but not really unexpected" addition of Nelson Cruz, and there was the "damnit, we should've known he would be included" inclusion of everybody's favorite New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez. Like clockwork, and just in time for baseball's new in season HGH testing program to go into affect, a PED scandal. Oh goodie.

Of course, that was yesterday's flavor. the onslaught of information, speculation and conjecture came from every baseball outlet. MLB Network stopped their regularly planned program to cover this breaking story. ESPN, I'm sure, said something about it, then they went back to drooling over NASCAR and Tim Tebow. It was impossible to escape what was happening. I wasn't even able to find solace or get sanctuary from firing up my old Friendster account as social media darlings had even taken to that platform to discuss, analyze and dissect how MLB players could be, um, well, stupid enough to trust someone like Anthony fucking Bosch.

Of course, we as a people are fickle these days. News becomes old in about 45 minutes, and we are off looking for the next thing that can raise an eyebrow or stir up some enlightening debate. People on Twitter went back to tweeting nonsense, people on Instagram went back to taking pictures of food and people went back to ignoring Friendster's existence. Everything went back to normal, or so it seemed. Just when you thought it was safe to venture back out onto the interwebz again, Ken Rosenthal went and decided that we not only had not had enough of this PED scandal, we also needed a new and illegal way of viewing Alex Rodriguez's tie into this whole mess. Suggesting a possible "out" for the Yankees using his hip surgery, and getting a Doctor to say that A-Rod can't continue playing due to the injuries leaving a bulk of the tab for the insurance company to pick up and saying:

The Orioles received similar benefits when Albert Belle was unable to play again due to a degenerative hip condition in 2000.

Say it with me Kenny, "A degenerative hip condition, in this case osteoarthritis, is not the same as a labral tear." Repeat that 10 times out loud, then write it down 100 times and turn it in after class. That's not where Mr. Short Stack kicks this whole thing off, but that is pretty standard knowledge. The only word that combines the two players is the word "hip." Apparently, our beloved bow tied reporter decided that even minimal fact checking was indeed not necessary before running this story. Let's continue.

The party line is that A-Rod will work his hardest to make a full recovery, just as he did after his previous surgery. But the landscape is different now — much different if Rodriguez indeed was using three substances banned by baseball, as shown by records obtained by the Miami New Times from Anthony Bosch’s anti-aging clinic.

Pretty standard for a team to tow that kind of line concerning their most expensive player. Sidebar, this is the second time that Rosey mentions A-Rod and PED use. I can't afford to install a ticker on the side of this post, so I will just point them out as they come along. Moving on.

If Rodriguez used PEDs from ’09 to ’12 — after admitting that he used them from ’01 to ’03 — it would stand to reason that he is uncertain of his ability to perform without “assistance.”

That's three, and, no kidding. He's already leaped the first hurdle for PED users in garnering a ridiculously lucrative contract. Now comes the task of living up to said contract. Insert needle here.

A-Rod can attempt to go through his rehabilitation, then make the case that he is physically unable to perform. A doctor surely could make such a diagnosis quite plausible, given the weakened condition of Rodriguez’s two hips.

Ahem, weakened condition of one hip. His other hip has already been fixed via surgery, so it's not like he now has some sort of duck waddle type gait going on (although, that would be amusing). It's OK though Kenny, you already made something up once with the Albert Belle mention earlier, why stop now. And I'm sure the Doctor's, um, fee, wouldn't be too extravagant.

A legal fight could ensue, with the insurance companies contending that either A) Rodriguez could still play or B) that his use of PEDs contributed to his physical deterioration. But good luck trying to win either case.

Yeah, because this would be an insurance company's, and their attorney's first trip around the fraud block.

For the Yankees, there would be no better way out.

And, boom. You have now officially given the Yankees their only option, and it is to take an illegal route down fraud avenue. Well played.

He says later in the piece that the Yankees would get "significant pushback" from the MLB Players Union if they were to simply try to void his contract on the grounds of A-Rod using PED's. The same Union that has now given the OK to implement in season blood testing for Human Growth Hormone. I find this very hard to believe that the MLBPA would come so far to improve it's public image where PED's are concerned only to turn around and then fight for a player who had just recently, and very publicly, been ousted for not only using enhancers, but lying about not using them since 2003 when he got ousted in 2009 for the same fucking thing!

For a small man, you have quite the reach Mr. Rosenthal. A-Rod has quite a few nicknames among non-Yankee fans (A-Roid, A-Fraud, etc.), but he will get a new one thanks to Matt Sussman and what he said on the twitter machine this morning:

A-Insurancefraud
— Matt Sussman (@suss2hyphens) January 30, 2013

I will say this however, if the Yankees were to go and try to pull this off, and then succeed in doing so. I will henceforth be contracting myself out to homeowners who own abandoned buildings. If they can pull off a heist of an insurance company to the tune of $134,117,647.06, I doubt any insurance company is going to be upset about paying out a few thousand dollars for a building burning down that hadn't been used in the last handful of years.

John Rocker On Gun Control

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 20:07:00 +0000

It should come as no surprise, but might, that some of your favorite MLB players are gun enthusiasts. Just FYI, in case you didn't notice the amount of good old boys on the playing field or the amount of injuries from falling down stairs carrying deer meat. What you don't hear too often is an MLBer choosing a tragic event like the Sandy Hook shooting as a time to voice his opinion on gun control. Luckily, someone gave former Braves closer/noted New York mass transit antogonist, John Rocker, his own column on World Net Daily. Wait, what?

Rocker played his last game on May 14, 2003 for Tampa Bay giving up one run on two hits and a walk. So let's recap a few important facts about the former relief pitcher before we move forward. In 1999, Rocker pitched 72.1 innings of 2.41 ERA ball with 38 saves and a 12.94 K/9 for the Braves. He had a career 5.78 BB/9 so the walks, like the strikeouts, came in bunches. He's "not a very big fan of foreigners" and imagines riding the 7 train sitting next to "some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids." But he's gone through sensitivity training to take care of most of that. Oh, one more thing, he "would vote for the devil himself over Barack Obama which would actually be tough though as he seems to already be a supporter." Okay, let's move on to his article about gun control...

Mr. Obama wants to severely neuter the Second Amendment and disarm the law-abiding citizens of this nation, a similar act of tyrants throughout the 20th century such as Stalin, Mao and Hitler.

Oh boy. This is the first sentence of the fifth-ish paragraph so he doesn't just do 0-60 in three seconds to compare Obama to Hitler. There's some stuff about the Hispanic vote and Oprah before it.

Absolute certainties are a rare thing in this life, but one I think can be collectively agreed upon is the undeniable fact that the Holocaust would have never taken place had the Jewish citizenry of Hitler’s Germany had the right to bear arms and defended themselves with those arms.

Hard to argue with absolute certanties and undeniable facts. That he made up. If Rocker had a time machine, he'd totally go back in time and kill Hitler. Think about how short lines would be without all of those foreingers who had to flee for their lives to the US. But what does Rocker think about what other people think?

Appearing on “Piers Morgan Tonight” with Piers Morgan, a British expatriate who serves as a 21st century version of a King George Redcoat championing the disarming of the American people, (Alex) Jones let him have it in a way that no individual from the GOP or the NRA – save the late, great Charlton Heston who is sorely needed now – has dared when confronting any mouthpiece for Obama’s gun-grab.

Here’s the main point of the conversation, with Jones telling Morgan, “The Second Amendment isn’t there for duck hunting, it’s there to protect us from tyrannical government and street thugs.”

Of course, Rocker is recapping the publicity stunt between Piers Morgan (Celebrity Apprentice, America's Got Talent) and Alex Jones (the titular character of that Tyer Perry movie?). Rocker sides with Jones.

Jones has the type of energy I like and, more importantly, that is desperately needed by patriotic Americans who are beginning to view the actions of the Obama administration as treasonous and the milquetoast response by the GOP as pedestrian.

Also, Jones yelled like a crazy person the loudest and that's how arguments are won. And come on, I have $50 that says "milquetoast" does not appear in the copy Rocker sent to his editor. I digress. Rocker goes on to tell a story about an Atlanta woman who shot an intruder.

Using a .38 revolver, Mrs. Herman protected her family and her property, performing that age-old American tradition of self-defense.

Good for Mrs. Herman and all the other musket-toting women the forefathers had in mind when they drew up the Second Amendment. Finally...

So to that sanctimonious Piers Morgan and those determined to disarm Americans – and yes, any form of gun control is only the initial first step toward total gun control – I say read the story coming from the suburbs of Atlanta and, if possible, allow the notion of why the Second Amendment is so important to the safety of Americans to circulate through your closed minds.

Closed minds, tyrannical government and street thugs? You'd think Rocker made enough money through baseball and real estate development to move out of that dystopian neighborhood. Or he has confused Hobo with a Shotgun for real life. Easy mistake.

I should be clear. I don't have a horse in the gun control race. This is not a political post. I am concerned about Mike Trout's 2013 WAR but it has little to do with firearms. This is more of a public service post. John Rocker has a political blog on a real website. I'll be in my panic room.

Milton Bradley, Still a Douchebag

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 05:39:00 +0000

For those of you that were hoping that life after baseball would cause everyone's favorite human being Milton Bradley to transform into Wacky Uncle Milton, think again. Thanks to the interwebz and twitter, this USA Today story came across my feed. Reaffirming that Bradley was, in fact, still a steaming pile of dog shit. Of course, being the avid baseball fan that I assume you, the reader, to be, None of the words below should come as a shock to any of you.

According to reports from said USA Today article earlier in the day, Bradley is facing up to 13 years in prison for abusing his estranged wife. Sources claim it was because she brought up a not so famous play from his days with Cubs. Bradley, of course, denies any wrong doing. Cut to the block quote:

"My client denies it," said Bradley's attorney, Harland Braun. "I've talked to him already. He said, 'She's making up stories. I don't know what she's talking about.'"

Of course she's just making this stuff up. she just wants a piece of the $48,222,300 you made during your 12 seasons in the big leagues. Life lesson kids, be a jerk, and you too can make nearly $50 million.

The Prosecutors paint a decidedly different picture of lovable cousin Milty though:

"During one incident in November 2012, Bradley allegedly pushed his wife against a kitchen wall and choked her with both hands after she requested that he stop smoking marijuana in front of their children and requested that his friends leave her San Fernando Valley home,"

*snip

Prosecutors contend that during other confrontations, Bradley kicked his wife in the ribs, approached her with a baseball bat and threatened her with a knife while telling her: "You'll be dead b---- before you divorce me."

Hmmmmmmm. Going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking that the soon-to-be former Mrs. Bradley has a far more legitimate case here. Especially since "Good ol' chummy" Milt has gone with the well over used, and never successful, "She's making up stories" defense.

I would like to say that the news about Bradley being just as terrible a person at home as he was on the baseball field shocked me. Sadly, I was not surprised in the least. And to be perfectly honest, I am surprised that it took this long for news like this to come out. This story isn't funny, not in the least, and it's an issue that plagues more than just the wives of multi millionaire primadonna's. It's a legitimate problem that millions are faced with on a regular basis. I hope Bradley gets what's coming to him, and I hope the court system doesn't take it easy on him because he has money. Thank you for reaffirming that you are still a douchebag Mr. Bradley. Now please, go away. Just. Go. Away.

MLB '13 The Show Needs a Coverboy

noreply@blogger.com (Mevs) — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 03:17:00 +0000

Every sport has a signature video game. For baseball, SCE San Diego Studio's MLB The Show Series gives you everything you want in a game of simulation hardball, and each year it seems to deliver more of the things baseball fans want to see.

This year, the player who will don the cover of the game seems like a can't miss no matter how voting ends up. Matt Kemp, CC Sabathia, Andrew McCutchen, Bryce Harper, Buster Posey, Ryan Braun, Miguel Cabrera and ~~Johnny Giavotella~~ are the candidates. Fans can cast their ballot by heading over to MLB.com/covervote and joining in via twitter or Facebook.

Baseball is doing a great job of promoting this as the marquee game of their sport. All hands are on deck with the aforementioned Twitter, Facebook, and MLB.com outlets. Each candidate made a campaign video (here's McCutchen's) and I even heard Colin Cowherd talking about the game with CC Sabathia today on ESPN Radio during my lunch break.

I can tell you from experience, this game is worthy of all the hype. It's one of the few things in my life that year after year continues to deliver without diminishing returns. Even a new car is only great for the first year you have it. After that, you've got trash on the floor and your friends will smoke cigarettes in it without asking.

This game delivers a feel so real, you'll smell peanuts and pine tar from the minute you throw it in your Playstation. Sorry XBOX owners, you're left out in the cold like George Jung for now.

If you have the time on your hands, I challenge you to pick the game up and try to play a full 162-game season. It might sound like it gets boring or tedious to some, but you'll never see the same thing twice in this game. And over the course of playing a season with that many game you'll see some rare special things at about the same rate you would see them over the course of the real-life season. You'll get blown out, win an 18-inning game in which you have to insert a pitcher to play left field, make a game saving catch, hit grand slams, have a shot at records, endure slumps, rain delays; it's all in this game if you allow play it out and allow it to come to you.

Now, head over to twitter and send a simple tweet '#MLB13HARPER' to vote for the guy I want to see on the cover.

Follow @mlbtheshow for more details of The Show '13 cover vote race. At press time, Andrew McCutchen holds a surprising decisive lead.

Chipper Jones Is Retired, Right?

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 18:15:00 +0000

Remember when Chipper Jones announced his plans to retire at the end of the 2012 season? Remember when Larry played in 112 games during the 2012 and hit an impressive .287/.377/.455 in 448 plate appearances as a 40-year-old? Remember how he was lavished with gifts ranging from third bases (Reds, Yankees, Pirates) to a bow hunting camera (Todd Helton) to a year's supply of sausages (Brewers) throughout the season? Then remember how he actually retired at the end of the season? Yeah, well, the baseball world has short term memory loss, at least according to a NY Post reporter tweeting about Jones' agent...

Chipper's agent BB Abbott said several teams have called on Chipper but #Yankees didnt. Wouldn't say which teams have. Staying retired, tho.
— Mark Hale (@HaleMark) January 7, 2013

Sure, the Yankees could use Jones as their own ungracefully aging third bagger Alex Rodriguez recovers from hip surgery (if he ever has it). But there are plenty of other teams who could use Jones as a 5/8 of the time third baseman. Had Jones qualified, he would have finished tied for 10th with Hanley Ramirez with a 3.0 fWAR at the position. With Ramirez back at short, the Dodgers might even be at the front of the line for Chipper's unavailable services. Of course, the Braves are looking to contend again this year and would, I assume, welcome Jones back with loving, open arms.

But barring a Brett Favre/every-rapper-ever wishy-washy comeback saga, Jones will remain retired to hunt and fish and tweet. And he appears to be enjoying the latter...

Man, this twitta thing is awesome!
— Chipper Jones (@RealCJ10) January 4, 2013

Which is good news for all of us if he keeps posting pics like this one...

What's wrong with this pic folks? Never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed. Damn ladder!!! Lol twitter.com/RealCJ10/statu…
— Chipper Jones (@RealCJ10) December 27, 2012

That's a festivus miracle/disaster if I've ever seen one. Sadly, there's been no update on the fate of that ladder.

More Downside to Rangers Fandom

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 17:59:00 +0000

As if the Rangers offseason hasn't been painful enough. This video comes across my Twitter Feed. Of course, it is a video from 2006, but any chance to twist the proverbial knife a little deeper, is reason enough for me to show it off.

Wait for it........Waaaaaaait for it........Knocked. The. Fuck. Out.

That is an incredible right cross that mugger/Big Mac enthusiast just threw. Excuse me Mr. Moore, I found your jaw. It was in next week. Maybe the A.J. Pierzynski signing soothed his pain a little. Oh, it didn't? Then might I suggest going to Jack In The Box next time, you could indulge yourself with a Trumbo Jack.

Adam Greenberg Gets One More Actual Chance

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 05:58:00 +0000

He can't believe it either

Once upon a time. I was a baseball player. I had baseball playing friends, baseball playing good times and baseball playing habits. I had a dream, just like every other 10 year old out there, to play in the big leagues one day. I was going to be a star. Then this crazy thing called reality happened. Luckily for me, it wasn't a heat seeking baseball hell bent on crushing the back of my skull that forced me to rethink my life's path. In Adam Greenberg's case, that was exactly the case. Unfortunate as it was, that's life.

Adam's Story has been told around the internet ad nauseum. As well as the one more at bat campaign that eventually led to the "serious" Major League organization in Miami to grant him his one more at bat. In case you missed it. Here's what happened.....

Your browser does not support iframes.

It's kind of cruel to have him come up in his one at bat, to face R.A. fucking Dickey, don't ya think? Oh well, that's life, isn't it. But I doubt Greenberg was complaining, what with it being four years since the last time he played MLB affiliated baseball.

On Saturday, the Orioles announced that they had agreed with Adam to a minor league deal, and he will get a shot to make their AAA affiliate in Norfolk, VA. And thanks to the interwebz and this Seattle Times article, we get to have blockquote time as well.

"To get the opportunity with the Orioles means everything to me," he said Saturday.

"I just walked up to him, introduced myself," Greenberg recalled. "I've always kind of looked at Buck and said that would be the guy that I would love to play for, that type of hard-nose mentality."

Aaaaaaaaaaand cue the publicity hype. Greenberg was once a good young player, could've carved himself a nice little career. And, if he gets to the Show again, say in a September callup roll, I hope he gets a hit his next time around. I hope he gets to take the field and do more than just occupy a batter's box. I just can't help but think that this is just a way to generate interest in a team that might think it's 2012 was a little bit fluky. Of course, when you outperform your Pythagorean Record by 11 games, I could understand how those thoughts could creep into the organizations head.

Good luck Adam, maybe ask David Wright for one of his gigantic helmets, and as hard is it may seem, let's improve on that .500 OBP you've got. One more at bat? Pffft. Someone give this guy a game.

Holy Baseball Trades Batman

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:12:00 +0000

"I got traded to a winner. REJOICE!"

Earlier this week, the Royals and Rays pulled off an "out of nowhere trade" swapping James Shields and Wil Myers (among others). Not to be outdone, another mediocre at best AL Central team went and made their own blockbuster trade. And oh, did they ever trade. Word leaked onto twitter via the usual sources (Rosenthal, Heyman, Olney) that the Indians, Reds and Diamondbacks had completed a nine player trade sending personal secretaries into a maddening frenzy. Moving parts, moving trucks, moving animals. At least it's fun for us. Suckers.

*Inhale*

Shin Soo Choo is the best Major League piece moving in this deal, and he is heading to the Reds along with infielder Jason Donald and a measly $3.5 million. in return from the Reds, the Indians are getting Drew Stubbs. Going from Cleveland to Arizona are left handed reliever Tony Sipp and first baseman Lars Anderson. Going from Arizona to Cleveland are Matt Albers, Bryan Shaw and quirky first round draft pick from 2011, Trevor Bauer. Yup, that Trevor Bauer. Going from Cincy to Arizona is Prospect Didi Gregorius.

*Exhale*

OK, now that we've got that out of our system, let's get after who actually matters. The Reds get Choo and in turn, clear out Drew Stubbs which most likely makes way for top prospect and ridiculously fast runner Billy Hamilton in 2014 if/when Choo leaves via free agency. Choo is in his final year before he hits free agency but should provide Dusty Baker with an excuse to move Brandon Phillips out of the leadoff spot. Dat dude need not hit leadoff, dude.

Cleveland has been getting shot down by super ~~douche bag~~ agent Scott Boras on every extension they have offered to Choo. I guess enough was enough. Selling high was a smart move on their part and fans can't complain with Trevor Bauer and his epic long toss sessions coming to Cleveland. You can't necessarily call it a counter move to what the Royals pulled off earlier this week. Both teams are still, in essence, battling to not be one place better than the Twins. That, and, they don't have a Jeff Francoeur to man right field with Shin Soo Choo being shipped out. Opportunity missed Mr. Antonetti, opportunity missed.

The Diamondbacks are finally getting the Shortstop that they've been coveting since the Stephen Drew was traded with the addition of Didi Gregorius. Kevin Towers likened Did to a "young Derek Jeter" according to this Sports Illustrated article. That's nice. Mike Trout was likened to Mickey Mantle. Mckayla Maroney is not impressed. Didi does have plus defense and hit .300 in a super duper small sample size last September after being called up by the Reds. This just in, an extension is imminent.

All kidding aside, this is one of those rare baseball trades where each team benefits. Two teams (Cleveland and Arizona) who were mediocre last year get something they've been coveting (A shortstop. A pitcher with "Ace" upside). A team that went to the playoffs last year (Cincinnati), is retooling with a legit top of the order threat in Choo. Even if he does wear a goofy helmet. There is one problem with this trade. It's the matter of the $4.99 that I spent on a Pay-Per-View movie. Mr. Selig, I'll be waiting for your response on how I proposed that we rectify this situation. Money doesn't grow on trees you know. And I'm too far away from the cash printer they have in the basement at Dodger Stadium to get my money back from Ned Colletti.

Resolving The Royals Rays Trade

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 20:20:00 +0000

Now that the dust has settled and knee-jerk Twitter comments basically reducing Dayton Moore to a sad clown of a GM have subsided (somewhat), the blockbuster deal doesn't look so terribly lopsided in the Rays favor. It's not like Moore completely scorched the Royals farm and salted the earth. Besides, if the Royals win the World Series after making this trade, giant fireballs will destroy the planet leaving all of these article pointless anyway.

About That Deal: Royals GM Dayton Moore finally got the ace of his Hot Stove pitching triumvirate adding James Shields to Ervin Santana and Jeremy Guthrie. And, oh, how will they rule the AL Central with the same power of Gaius Julius Caesar, Marcus Licinius Crassus, and Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus. Along with two reasonably controlled seasons of Shields, the Royals are receiving starter/reliever/starter/? Wade Davis and a PTBNL or some sweet Tampa cash.

The Rays get a package of prospects led by minor league player of the year Wil Myers. Myers is a 22-year-old outfielder who hit 37 home runs between Double-A and Triple-A in 2012 and strikes out a bit/a lot. RHP Jake Odorizzi, LHP Mike Montgomery and 3B Patrick Leonard also leave the Royals farm for Tampa Bay's.

Win Now Without Money: The Royals at least have an allowance but not enough to shop at major department stores. While they can afford starting pitchers like Santana, Guthrie, Bruce Chen and sometimes Gil Meche, the Royals just don't ever have elite guys like Zack Greinke. From 2007-2012, Shields is 13th in MLB with a 23.4 fWAR. And a respectable 3.80 ERA. The Royals will pay him around $22 million for two years before Shields hits free agency. He gives them a front line pitcher to go with a young and currently inexpensive core of position players. The Royals will give Davis another rotation look after he excelled in the pen.

The Rays, taking a page from my book, have no money. But they're crafty. Thanks to good drafts and smart trades, the Rays can replace (to an extent) Shields in the rotation with Chris Archer, Alex Cobb or even Odorizzi. While Davis was great in his bullpen role, the Rays have a history of procuring prolific pen pieces. Adding Myers, at first glace, looks like another steal. Myers will likely start the year in right field for the Rays and make preseason Rookie of the Year lists. In classic Rays style, Myers will be dirt cheap for a few years and under control for six. Same with Odorizzi and Montgomery who isn't quite the prospect he used to be.

Then There's The Uncertainty: Dave Cameron nails it. But in summary, yeah, there's uncertainty. As Royals-side trade supporters point out, prospects can fail. This is news to me and I will ask Brandon Wood if it's true the next time he bags my groceries at what I assume is his winter job. Wil Myers could be a bust. His name is spelled incorrectly after all. Or he could be an All Star, next season.

The same Royals defenders (okay, it's mainly Jeff Passan) claim Kansas City is getting a "known quantity" in Shields. Roy Halladay, Dan Haren, Tim Lincecum, Josh Beckett and Jon Lester are all ahead of Shields on that fWAR from 2007-2012 leader board. Uncertainty is a dish best served cold. Wait, that's not it. Cameron's point, that I borrowed, is uncertainty doesn't only exist at the prospect level.

Concerns: Shields has a career 3.33 home ERA and 4.54 road ERA. Jeff Francoeur will continue to get playing time in the Royals outfield.

Myers' strikeout percentage jumped to 20.9% as he did to Double-A in 2011. It jumped again to 27.6% in Double-A in 2012 before "coming down" to 22.3% in Triple-A.

Conclusion: N/A

RA Dickey is an Oxymoron

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 01:40:00 +0000

We expect baseball players to do things like, have a training day with the New York City Fire Department or, Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise awareness for human trafficking in India. What we don't expect from baseball players is to find out that they are avid readers of C.S. Lewis or that they own a copy of Life of Pi. These findings destroy stereotypes. Ball players are jocks. Period. They gather around in a circle, jump up and down, put there hands in the middle and yell "WIN!" They don't get together in a corner and engulf themselves in books with titles like The Weight of Glory. It's not natural.

But then R.A. Dickey had to go on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

It's good for Dickey that he is getting to enjoy all the trappings of being the Cy Young Award winner. He's old in baseball years, and he's really old if he were a canine. But he's not, so, lucky him. His name still has the word "Dick" in it, so I'm gonna let the penis jokes fly when I get the chance.

Part 1:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Exclusive - R.A. Dickey Extended Interview Pt. 1

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

In case you missed it in there, he most certainly did drop the word "circuitous" (ser-kyoo-i-tuh s). It caught Stewart's attention too, and surprisingly, didn't knock him to the floor.

Part 2:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Exclusive - R.A. Dickey Extended Interview Pt. 2

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

So, to recap, R.A. Dickey is a 38 year old lover of the written word, feels wonderful feeling small, has an impressive vocabulary and gets to speak to Phil Neikro. I am incredibly jealous, and I am falling in love at the same time. Mostly because of his hair because it's wavy.

R.A. Dickey ladies and gentlemen, making nerds and (as Stewart said) poindexters look good, one knuckleball at a time.

Hall of Fame Case: Royce Clayton

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 17:14:00 +0000

Who's getting into the Hall of Fame this year? With how stacked the ballot is, it should've been a slam dunk. But syringes, cocktails and creams have changed that. Some players like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens will still most likely be enshrined one day. Others like Mike Piazza, who might've had to wait a couple years, will probably be first ballot entries. And Jack Morris is happier than a pig in shit because his borderline case looks really good with 'roiders on the ballot.

These players don't need my help. Or yours. There are others.

Royce Spencer Clayton is one of those others.

Now, you might be asking yourself, "Why Royce Clayton?" And I would answer, "Why not?" Then we would play cribbage while sipping shaken martinis. This is taking place in my head, not yours, just play along.

According to Jay Jaffe's JAWS Rankings on Baseball-Reference, Clayton ranks 123rd all time. Right in front of Bucky Dent and Rich Aurilia. And just behind Davy Force, Eddie Bressoud and my homeboy Dick Schofield. The nearest Hall of Famer to him on the list is George Wright at number 70. Wright owns, quite possibly, the most incredible sideburns in Major League history.

He's no Honus Wagner or Alan Trammell, but hear me out. Clayton was consistently a top five shortstop defensively throughout his career (defense, you know, the other part of playing baseball). Sure he had a career slash line of .258/.312/.367, but in 1995 he led all of baseball in most defensive stats and finished his career with a 15.8 dWAR. Not bad. The league finally rewarded his 1995 performance in 1997 with an all star appearance.

On top of being dominant at the six hole (but being overshadowed by that spotlight hog Omar Vizquel), he's also got a little bit of a film background to his name. A portrayal in the film Rookie, and a spot in Moneyball portraying a much more slender version of Miguel Tejada. Good hands and a good looking face, its only a matter of time before adult entertainment puts him in their Hall of Fame.

And that, is just the tip of the iceberg. In late 2004, Clayton won a triple decker burrito eating contest. Not by eating the most (12 in 20 minutes), but by not gaining a single pound in the process. In June of 2007, he risked his life to save a goldfish from a raging inferno in his hometown of Burbank, CA. Only a man with hands like his could have made that happen.

Incredible metabolism and a hero? What more could Cooperstown ask for? Teddy Roosevelt might not have been impressed with Clayton's knack for not carrying a big stick, but he surely would have loved to have him charging up San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American War.

Up the middle, it's about defense. Royce Clayton was slick with the glove, and that impresses me. So whaddya say BBWAA? I know this is crazy, but call him, maybe?

A-Rod Has Another Bum Hip

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 18:11:00 +0000

Alex Rodriguez's hips are aching again which either means it's about to rain or we get six more weeks of winter. The 37-year-old shell of a superstar isn't gracefully sauntering into the sunset of his Hall of Fame career. It's more like an awkward and painful limp to the finish. A gimp gait to retirement, if you will. Now comes the news that A-Rod will have surgery on his good, left hip that will likely sideline him for half of the 2013 season. He already had the right hip repaired several years ago. I'm not board certified but it appears the weight of his wallet has destroyed the joints in both his right and left, lower middle. But let's go to the block quotes for a second opinion...

A-Rod will undergo surgery on his left hip to repair a labral tear, the same procedure he had on his right hip in March 2009, according to sources familiar with his case. The surgery will take place in January and will be performed by Dr. Bryan Kelly from the Hospital for Special Surgery rather than Dr. Marc Philippon, who performed the first procedure in Vail, Colo. in 2009.

A-Rod isn’t expected to play until June or July, costing him three to four months of the 2013 season. Rodriguez turns 38 in July.

Right. *taps clipboard* Basically what I said. If Rodriguez was a German shepherd, they'd probably just put him down at this point.

Rodriguez hit 18 home runs and .272/.353/.430 for a 2.0 bWAR, the worst of his career in a full(ish) season. Hey, Derek Jeter only had a 2.1 bWAR so..there's..$46,000,000 of the Yankees 2012 payroll. Rodriguez will make $29 million for his half of 2013 and $119 million if he makes it through 2017. Maybe A-Rod will remember to lift his blocks of gold with his knees next time.

This news leaves the Yankees with a hole at third base. Not that ole no hips was exactly zipping around the hot corner. Too bad Wilson Betemit signed that two-year deal with the Orioles last season, said nobody. The free agent third base market is weak which should spark the Chase Headley trade rumors in 3, 2, 1...

Also disappointing? The Post's "Hip, Hip, Oh No!" headline. I hold you to higher (lower?) pun standards than that.

Trout Jersey Sells Big on eBay, MTD is Beside Himself

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 14:45:00 +0000

Poor MJ. Mike Trout's offseason for him has been the equivalent to that one Christmas where his parents promised him a new ride and surprised him with a one month bus pass. Next stop, the bar.

First, Trout got snubbed in the Gold Glove Award voting (Adam Jones? Really?). Luckily, the BBWAA got something right and unanimously voted Trout as the Rookie of the Year. Then they undid all that good in the MVP vote. Furniture, mirrors, stoneware, nothing was safe. Many hours of therapy, along with the viewing of this video, had Mr. Lloyd almost back to normal. Almost.

On Nov. 9th, an item that was up for auction on eBay closed. The item had 27 bids on it. The item was Mike Trout's AA jersey which sold for $2,524.00. What people don't know is that bid #26 (as well as numbers 2,5,8,12,20,22 and 24) belonged to MJ, and with seven seconds left, almost certain the jersey was his, a late bid swooped in leaving MJ no time to recover. I warned MJ that $2,500 was simply too much money for this jersey, but he insisted that he needed it. That the jersey would sit nicely above his Mike Trout shrine which currently includes Trout's used dryer sheets and half finished pouches of Capri Sun.

Now that a few weeks have passed, a disgruntled MJ was willing to open up with me about the startling upset. Even at the risk of violating his restraining order, Here's what MJ had to say:

"It's heartbreaking, it really is. I really thought that I had it. I made the mistake of going to the bathroom when there was a couple of minutes left. It was in the bag. When I got back and saw that I had been outbid, I couldn't move. By the time I regained something resembling consciousness, it was too late. The next couple of weeks were a blur. I slept with my Mike Trout signed baseball bat every night. I'm making progress though. Yesterday I saw sunlight for the first time since that day. I'm still holding the bat wherever I go. Hopefully, I wont make the same mistake going forward. I'm taking absolutely no chances during this auction for Mike Trout's socks that he is wearing right now. Not even sleep will get in the way. I have an IV drip of black coffee going to keep me awake. And yes, that is a bedpan at my feet."

As you can see, MTD is still wildly delusional. I checked eBay for the sock listing, it doesn't exist. After speaking with his girlfriend, she intimated that the computer screen he has been sitting in front of, is not plugged in. She did confirm the coffee IV, and that MJ has been carrying around the signed Mike Trout bat, but disproved the sunshine tale, saying that he "watched Eternal Sunshine" for the first time.

I think it's good that MJ didn't win the bidding. $2,500 is a lot of cheddar. You could buy both my first and second cars and you would will have $1,500 leftover. With his unexpected saving of money he could maybe send me that Fudgie the Whale cake I was promised for my birthday. I'm not quite as delusional as MTD, but I will admit to carrying a fork around in my back pocket for the last month in anticipation of that cake's chocolaty goodness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on my official, game worn, Mike Trout, AA jersey. This thing is awesome.

Atlanta Braves Burn Money, Sign B.J. Upton

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 05:41:00 +0000

Give a General Manager a blank check, and he'll most likely waste it on a player with hype. The Atlanta Braves and B.J. Upton agreed to a five year $75.25 million contract (pending a physical), skewing the market and all but assuring that Michael Bourn will probably now get the $100 million contract that he is seeking. At the same exact moment, Tinker Bell died. Well played Mr. Wren, well played.

(AP) Paid, homey.

It's not Upton's fault. He wasn't going to go into the negotiation and say "I don't know Frank, $75.25 million? you realize that I hit .246 last year right?" B.J. is getting paid and most bloggers will be ecstatic because now we can break out the "overpriced fellatio" jokes that we have been dying to use. So maybe a small amount of thanks is in order on our part. That feeling quickly disappears when the idea of signing an outfielder at some point in the future crosses our minds and we think, "Damnit, Upton got $75.25 mil. What the hell is it going to take next year to sign Carlos Gomez?"

To be honest, I cared so little about where Upton went this offseason, that when I heard about, it I just shrugged and went on my way. Then i got a text message from my friend Kevin Lappin who writes at LAANGELSINSIDER that said, "Did you know that B.J. Upton had a sub .300 OBP the year before making $75 million?" And, no, I absolutely did not know that. In fact, even though his batting average went up from .243 in 2011 to .246 in 2012, his OBP plummeted from .331 to .298.

This is not the same kid who at the age of 22 set the league on fire with a .300/.386/.508 slash line. Everything about Upton's game (with the exception of home runs) is heading the wrong way. Strikeouts were at a career high, walks were at a career low, his stolen base totals are dropping each year and the fun doesn't end there kids. 18% of all balls put into play by B.J. were of the infield fly variety in 2012. 18 percent. Is there some new way of looking at ball players down in Atlanta that I am not picking up on? Or does Upton have the one agent that is better than Scott Boras when it comes to getting his clients paid?

In the end, B.J. Upton is still an incredible talent, and it is quite possible that he puts it all together. He is after all, only 28. He is also a player that has averaged 2.4 bWAR over the last six years, and to "make his money" on this five year contract, he will need to average 3.3-3.4 bWAR, and that's based on the current "value of a win." Who knows where inflation will take that value in five years. Silver lining, I can finally put the gasoline in my lawnmower to good use since it does me no good now that winter is arriving. Who's bringing the marshmallow's to this bonfire?

Are The Royals in Win-Now Mode?

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 04:28:00 +0000

The Kansas City Royals have been an exercise in futility for the past two decades. In fact, the only thing separating them from being in the exact same category as the Pittsburgh Pirates is their 83 win season in 2003. And that season was in the middle of a stretch from 2002-2006 where the lost 100 or more games in four of those five seasons. The last four seasons however have seen the ~~Monarchs~~ Royals increase their win total from 65 in 2009 to 72 this past season. Progress people, progress.

Apparently, this means the time to strike is now. After they pulled off a "blockbuster" trade with the Los Angeles Angels picking up Ervin Santana as well as signing Jeremy Guthrie to a three year $25MM deal (That's one way to skew the market), rumors abound that the Royals are willing to part with uber-prospect Wil Myers in search of a frontline starting pitcher at the big league level. Baaaaaad call Mr. Moore, bad call. I guess Dayton thinks that 21 year olds who turn AAA into their own personal batting practice grow on trees.

Should the Royals be concerned about pitching? Yes, they absolutely should be. Especially when you have guys like Bruce Chen and Luke Hochevar at the front end of your pitching staff. The acquisition of Santana helps, and even though they gave Guthrie too much money, he did well in his stint in KC last season. They could give Felipe Paulino a longer look, but chances are that if the Astros aren't going to give someone a chance, there's a pretty good reason why he is only a fill in. But, with the payroll commitments currently sitting at $69MM, and assuming the Royals want to stay at or under last year's payroll of $73MM, a trade for pitching help seems like the only way they acquire what the covet. I asked Michael Engel who is the Editor of Kings of Kauffman what he thought about trading young Mr. Myers, this is what he had to say:

This Guy: Would you trade Wil Myers? And if so, what for?
Michael Engel: I really don't want to, but if it was for a Matt Moore/David Price type of beast, then I could deal with it. And who goes with Myers.
TG: Are you asking me who would go with Myers? I don't know. Not as well versed in the Royals as you are.
ME: No, just acknowledging that Myers alone wouldn't get that done.
TG: But if it's not for a stud pitcher, than no.
ME: Yes. I'd rather take a chance on Shaun Marcum or Dan Haren for one year and an option and keep all of our bats. Doubt I get my way though.
TG: Do we ever?

I agree. Especially when said prospect at the age of 21 just put up a .304/.378/.554 line in 99 games in AAA with a total line of .314/.387/.600 for the season between AA and AAA. In fact, I think Myers alone would be enough to net a starter of that caliber. I also still think Brandon Wood is going to be a huge star. A catcher by trade, he's been roaming all three outfield spots and trying his hand at third the last two seasons. Unfortunately, the Royals have this Jeff Fracoeur guy blocking him for at least one more season. As if getting out from under Francoeur wasn't already necessary.

The real problem for the Royals is that it'd be near impossible for them to sell the fans on any trade that sent one of their bats packing. Alex Gordon finally found himself, Billy Butler is a fan favorite. Eric Hosmer fell prey to the sophomore slump, but he's a lefty bat with pop. Mike Moustakas is now the everyday third baseman and put up a respectable .242/.296/.412 line in his rookie season. Salvador Perez is going nowhere, and to a slightly less extent, the same can be said for Alcides Escobar. Another thing to consider is that the Royals play in the incredibly weak and winnable AL Central. The big bad Tigers last year won 88 games And despite having the "MVP" and Prince Fielder in the lineup, there was a lot more meow than rawr coming from the Motor City in 2012.

If Moore plays this smart, he will hold onto Myers and by May will have him inserted into the lineup with Francoeur riding the pine or riding a greyhound bus back to Atlanta. This team has a lineup, on paper, that matches up with (at the very least) most of the AL Central and is only a couple of steps behind the Tigers. The rotation needs one starter, probably someone coming off a bad year (Haren/Marcum/Dice-K). Of course, it is the Royals, and who knows with them. At the very least, they still have Steve Physioc, Rex Hudler and killer Bar-B-Que.

Chone Figgins Wasn't THE Worst Player In MLB

noreply@blogger.com (MTD) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 22:10:00 +0000

Looking back at 2009, you have to wonder just what happened to Chone Figgins. In Figgins contract and career year, he hit .298/.395/.393 with 42 stolen bases, led the AL in walks and played world class defense at third base. Figgins posted a 7.5 rWAR (Baseball-Reference wins above replacement) that trailed only Joe Mauer (7.6), Chase Utley (8.0), Ben Zobrist (8.3) and Albert Pujols (9.4). But then the clock struck midnight on his Angels career and he signed a multi-year deal with the Mariners. Not only did Figgins turn into a pumpkin but the neighborhood kids came by and kicked in his face.

The Mariners signed Figgins for four-years, $36 million and moved him from third (where he had just finished in the ranks of Evan Longoria and Adrian Beltre in UZR) to second. Side note: In the 2001, Baseball Prospectus raised the question concerning Figgins, "How many guys move off of shortstop and do even worse at second base?" From there, the Mariners moved Figgins back to third base in 2011 to left field, center field, third base and the bench in 2012 to the unemployment line in 2013. The M's will pay Figgins his remaining $8 million to not play with them. Not even on MLB the Show for PS3.

Figgins was bad in 2011-2012. Really bad. Like .188/.241/.243 in 2011 and .181/.262/.271 in 2012 bad. Seatlle hasn't seen a career end that poorly since Kurt Cobain. But was Figgins the worst player in baseball over the 2011 and 2012 seasons? Not quite.

Rk	Player	WAR/pos	From	To	Age	G	PA	BA	OBP	SLG	OPS	Tm
1	Chone Figgins	-2.4	2011	2012	33-34	147	507	.185	.249	.253	.502	SEA
2	Wilson Valdez	-2.5	2011	2012	33-34	176	508	.231	.270	.293	.564	PHI-CIN
3	Tsuyoshi Nishioka	-2.5	2011	2012	26-27	71	254	.215	.267	.236	.503	MIN
4	Greg Dobbs	-2.6	2011	2012	32-33	254	781	.279	.312	.388	.700	FLA-MIA
5	Joe Mather	-2.6	2011	2012	28-29	139	326	.210	.260	.320	.580	ATL-CHC
6	Chris Coghlan	-2.7	2011	2012	26-27	104	403	.207	.274	.320	.595	FLA-MIA

Provided by Baseball-Reference.com: View Play Index Tool Used
Generated 11/21/2012.

According to Baseball-Reference WAR, the worst position player the last two seasons was your 2009 NL Rookie of the Year, Chris Coghlan. You'll always have that fourth place finish in '09, Andrew McCutchen. Considering recent events, it's almost fitting for the Marlins have two players on this list.

I suppose a case could be made for any of those guys to be considered the worst because when you're talking about tenths of a win, it's just a tossup. Figgins definitely was hanging out on the wrong tier of the baseball hierarchy when it came to performance but he was in a different class when it came to cash. Figgins pocketed $19 million between 2011 and 2012. Coghlan, Joe Mather, Greg Dobbs, Tsuyoshi Nishioka and Wilson Valdez combined to make $11.46 million over those two years with Nishioka's $6 million preventing Figgins from lapping the group.

Final tally: Mariners paid Figgins $36 million over four years. Figgins produced negative $4.5 million (according to Fangraphs) over four years. Of course, that number is inflated by Figgins not playing for the Mariners in 2013.

Bryan LaHair DFA'd in Attempt to Resurrect Mr. Baseball

noreply@blogger.com (mike_hllywa) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 18:36:00 +0000

In the span of a week, the Cubs went from being smart to peculiar. Which isn't all that surprising. After all, this is the Cubs we are talking about. Last week the cubs swooped in with I'm tentatively calling the signing of the offseason when they inked Scott Baker to a one-year deal. Yesterday they DFA'd 2012 All Star, and killer of my fantasy team, Bryan LaHair. According to the Chicago Tribune, the move is a precursor to sending him to Japan. The green stuff is wasabi, you've been warned.

After accumulating 219 plate appearances in two cups of coffee prior to 2012, Bryan was given a big league job out of spring training. Then went to catch everyone by surprise. He put up a video game line of. 390/.471/.780, practically securing an All Star selection. He came back down to earth in may with a .253/.343/.448 May. But players and managers are silly about hot starts and made him an All Star anyway, even though his production continued to slip in June. By the last two months of the season, he was strictly bench material. Methinks it was his .063/.167/.125 line against lefties. Ouch babe.

When reached for comment, Tom Selleck asked how I got the number and then hung up. He called back a minute later and was not to pleased.

Humble Blogger: You rang, Mr. Baseball?
Tom Selleck: Yeah, I rang, Mr. Wise-Ass!
HB: Tom, Tom. I don't understand.
TS: Understand THIS! (I'm asuming he shook his fist at the phone since I heard jewelry jingle, but I'm not positive)
HB: You see, this kid, LaHair, he's trying to live out your movie. He never led the league in ninth inning doubles for the month of August, but the press writes their own story anyway, and they are trying to connect the dots. And he doesn't have your sweet mustache. What do you want me to say?
TS: I'LL deal with the Press! And I'll take care of my own face, YOU just translate what comes out of it! You got me?
HB: [dejected] Got it.
TS: Got it? Got it as in Yes, or got it as in "I heard what you said but I'm not gonna do a goddamn thing about it!" That's right, Blogger! Gaijin catching on!
HB: Got it. Yes.

20 years later, and Selleck still has the lines from Mr. Baseball hardwired into his head. Impressive.

As far as LaHair is concerned, The only logical reason for going to the NPB is because he is fielding offers that would assure him maximum playing time. Stateside, he would almost assuredly be platooned with someone who at least had a clue as to what they were doing against left handed pitching. He's also doing my fantasy team a favor by not giving me the option to insert him into my lineup because he's having a ridiculous April.

For a career minor leaguer, LaHair got his moment this year, but there are reasons why a 29 year old in AAA is not the safest bet at the major league level. Enjoy hitting bombs in Japan. Oh, and "wabaki" means slippers. No shoes inside.