Off the Wall

Good, But Not Quite Amazing....

2012-07-09T22:32:00.001-07:00

In order to give a proper review to “The Amazing Spider-Man”, I must get the basic synopsis of the movie out of the way first. The movie revolves around Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield), an “average” high school kid in New York City who loses his parents at a young age and ends up growing up with his Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) and Aunt May (Sally Field). One day, Peter is nosing his way around an expensive science lab when a genetically enhanced spider bites him. Later on, Peter wakes up with abilities similar to that of a spider (climbing, jumping, and precognitive abilities). Peter spends a little too much time chasing a girl named Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), behaves a bit selfishly, and puts Uncle Ben in a dangerous situation where he ends up dead. Peter is then inspired by this tragedy to fight crime dressed as a masked vigilante known as Spider-man.

Meanwhile there is a misguided scientist named Curt Conners (Rhys Ifans) who gets a little overzealous and ends up making a monster of himself. He has a couple run-ins with Spider-man and eventually plots a huge city-wide catastrophe. Low and behold, Peter Parker’s personal life mixes with his secret identity and he has to save the city and the girl of his dreams.

Without telling you any great detail, that is what you would expect from a Spider-man movie, correct? This is where the film’s director (Mark Webb) makes a big mistake. He tries too heavily to give his audience what they don’t expect. This leads to what is often known as an expectancy violation. People predict the future and form expectations based upon pre-established beliefs, ideas, and history. When someone behaves or something occurs that doesn’t follow the expected path, people can have two very different reactions. They either take to it favorably or find that it just doesn’t sit well with them. An expectancy violation isn’t always a bad thing, but it almost always warrants a significant reaction.

(Although I won’t make any direct descriptions of plot, some people might say I am getting spoilery in the coming paragraphs)

In the case of “The Amazing Spider-Man” audiences are likely to be annoyed by the creative liberties taken by the film. We expect the basic plot as is described above. However, we expect certain details of the characters and the intricacies as well. For example, fans familiar with Spider-Man expect that Peter Parker needs to be drastically different than his masked alter-ego. He needs to be socially awkward, average looking at best, have poor vision, and carry around the personal baggage of losing his parents. Well, this movie decides that they need their Peter Parker to be an overly handsome young man with great hair, the athletic ability to skateboard like a pro, wear contacts, and appear generally charming. Yes, I am saying that Andrew Garfield does not come off nerdy enough. He was three times as nerdy in “The Social Network”. Also, he doesn’t seem to appreciate everything his Aunt May and Uncle Ben have done for him. Peter Parkers doesn’t give off the vibe that he owes his aunt and uncle everything. Anyone who knows Spider-man knows that this is a pretty big component of the hero’s arc.

Now I understand that it is a reboot and an origin story at the same time, so they had to do some things differently. What may have been more effective for them would have been to just speed up the whole origin aspect of the story and dropped with the dramatic changes to it. Give the kid his super powers, throw in the new love interest, have the new villain show up, and take it in a new direction from there. Instead they messed with the foundation of what made the Sam Raimi Spider-man movies work (not the 3^rd one. I won’t admit to that one existing). That foundation was the ongoing internal struggles of a young man with more power than he should be allowed to have. “The Amazing Spider-Man” makes Peter Parker look like a show-boat with his powers. That only works half-way, which is when he is Spider-Man.

From everything I have ever seen and read about Spider-Man, I know he is a smart mouthed, fast talking, almost-comedian while he fights crime. The comics, cartoons, and video games all have done a great job of showing this. Webb’s version of Spider-man does this as well. In fact, this is the one part of the Spider-man story he totally owns in comparison to Sam Raimi. Kudos should be given to Andrew Garfield for his delivery of the lines behind the mask. However, when the mask comes off, I felt like it was a clip from the CW’s Tuesday night line-up. I was warned about this by a colleague of mine before I saw the movie, so I was probably looking out for it. However, when a friend is right, he’s right.

Also, for those of you who consider yourselves Marvel Comics traditionalists, there is a major swerve from the general accepted histories of Peter Parker’s parents. They apparently were super secretive and super scientist-like. Mr. Parker had worked with Curt Conners. Some of Parker’s work contributes to Conners’ transformation into The Lizard (the big baddie) and if you are connecting the dots, even Peter’s transformation into Spider-man. If you take this stuff seriously, that won’t sit well with you.

Now I didn’t dislike the movie. On the contrary, I enjoyed most of it. I just wanted to like it more. It deserved to be better. It deserved to build on what already worked with this hero. In fact, let me share what I specifically liked about the film.

The movie is visually stunning. It looked better than any of the other Spider-man movies. It always didn’t get stuck in the tendency of all the fight scenes taking place at night. There are some great scenes in broad daylight and even at locations you wouldn’t expect.

Emma Stone shows once again that she has the charisma to steal every scene that she is in. Also, it appears she may have lost that whole raspy voiced thing she had going on for a while. Her portrayal of Gwen Stacy makes her the most likable and engaging character in the entire movie. Also, Sally Field does what she can to make Aunt May likable. The writing of the character wasn’t the most solid, but she at least plays the part so well that you root for her to bitch slap her nephew.

Ultimately, "The Amazing Spider-Man" is hard to swallow if you have any previous experience and/or admiration for the character. It is by no means bad, but suffers because real fans have expectations. Overall I give it **1/2 out of 4 *s. It would get the other half of that star of Andrew Garfield wasn’t so pretty.

My review of "Brave"

2012-06-30T15:34:00.002-07:00

Pixar makes movies with great stories, great characters, and great moments. They tend to do that better than any of the major movie studios and seem to collect Oscars every year. The best part about all this is that their movies are animated.

There is a paradigm that suggests that animated movies are nothing more than cartoons for children. Anyone who has seen a Pixar movie knows that is the farthest thing from the truth. Pixar uses a niche form of media to tell stories in effective ways. Their latest effort, “Brave”, follows an established tradition of quality storytelling and character building. I enjoyed it immensely and am about to tell you why.

First, here is the cast:

Merida… Kelly Macdonald

Fergus… Billy Connolly

Elinor… Emma Thompson

The Witch… Julie Walters

The story of “Brave” centers around a Scottish princess named Merida. She is a spitfire to say the least and has a craving for adventure. She is not the typical young lady of royalty. This is established early on with a flashback that shows how she got the bow she now wields like a professional. The flashback also provides us with the glimpse of the movie’s villain, a ferocious bear named Mor’Du. Merida’s father, King Fergus goes to battle with this bear, which results in the loss of his leg, which is replaced by a wooden peg. Mor’Du manages to escape death on that fateful day, only to be seen at a later date.

The story picks up steam when Elinor invites the lords of three neighboring clans to present their first born son in a competition of sorts for Merida’s hand on marriage. It represents an age old tradition of arranged marriages. This process is to be respected in the kingdom which our characters live. Elinor, being the queen and Merida’s mother, believes whole heartedly in this process. Merida, being an independent and adventurous young lady, doesn’t agree with these plans for her future. This is the central conflict of the film.

Merida and her mother don’t see eye to eye on much of anything. It is your classic teenage daughter argues with her mother, but in a more genuine manner than most movies use the concept. Merida wants to choose her own husband or whether or not she even wants one in the first place. In a nutshell, she wants to take control of her future. Eventually she goes off to find a way around her predetermined fate. That leads her to a witch in the forest that assists with the casting of a spell that will change everything for Merida. Specifically, Merida asked for the spell to change her mother. This being a movie, you know it doesn’t go as planned.

I’ll spare you the details as to what goes wrong. To say more would spoil a bit of the movie’s plot. What I can say is that the movie forces Merida and Elinor to confront their mother-daughter problems. That is where the heart of the story is. A lot of classic questions about the mother/daughter dynamic come to the forefront in a thoughtful manner. “Brave” handles these ideas how you would expect them to be handled by Pixar. They do so realistically and by keeping all the characters likable in the process.

There are two things that make “Brave” stand out as one of Pixar’s best works. The first is the musical score/soundtrack. Right out of the gate the music sets the tone of the film as adventurous. There is a bit of Scottish flare in the score and the songs, which also enhances the experience. Every bit of music helps push the story forward and even builds the characters, which is everything you’d want from the music.

My favorite aspect of “Brave” is simply how great it looks. It is likely the best work Pixar has done in the animation department. It works wonders with the 3D concept. Only “Wall-E” compares in scope and detail. Every time a wide shot of a landscape is shown, you can’t help but be impressed. Most impressive are the smaller details, especially how they animated the simplest of things, like Merida’s hair.

Ultimately, “Brave” is another hit for Pixar. It will enjoyable for both the kids and adults. However, I suspect that the grown-ups will enjoy it a little bit more as they reflect upon all their parental conflicts as they were growing up. Hell, they may be going through it on the other end of the situation as well and might find some comfort in knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.

All in all I give “Brave” **** out of 4.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (My Review)

2012-06-28T21:50:00.002-07:00

The end of the world is a very bleak and grim idea. Yet, it seems to fascinate the hell out of us. That is probably because everyone secretly wants to know what happens after “all this”. The quickest way for everyone to experience that next step together would be for the world to end. Nobody wants to go into the afterlife alone, do they? If the Mayans knew what the hell they were talking about, we could find out this December.

Were the Mayans onto something? Probably not. Well, maybe not. Most likely not. I suppose it isn’t impossible. Regardless, they got people to talk about them for centuries. They have inspired all forms of media into exploring the end of the world. The most recent example of this is a little movie known as “Seeking a Friend to the End of the World”. This is a movie that doesn’t get into the aftermath of an apocalyptic event, but more or less explores what such an event does to the world when we know it is coming.

The movie centers around Dodge (Steve Carrell), a seemingly unhappy middle-aged insurance salesman. The story begins as an important announcement is transmitted over the airwaves via the radio and news broadcasts. The hail Mary effort to fly a rocket into space to destroy an Armageddon sized asteroid named Matilda have failed. There are roughly 4 weeks until impact and inevitable doom. This news does not sit well with Dodge’s wife (Nancy Carrell), who gets out of the car and runs into the forest, never to be seen again. Yes, the movie is bold enough to start this way.

As the movie goes on, we meet Penny (Keira Knightley), who lives in the same apartment building as Dodge. She breaks up with her boyfriend and ends up having to sleep on the fire escape. This is where she meets Dodge. They build a rapport which leads to them making a deal involving their doomsday plans. Dodge wants to go find a long lost love. Penny wants to fly home to England to see her family before everything goes black. Commercial flights have stopped at this point and Dodge says that he knows a guy who can fly her there. Penny happens to have some wheels to get Dodge to his true love. It is at this point the movie evolves into a dramedy of a road trip movie that follows the characters into the final days before that asteroid collides.

The previews make the movie to be a fun loving comedy. That is basically not the case here. “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” is a drama that takes a humorous look at a gloomy topic. The funny portions of the movie will make you laugh, but they are paced out throughout the film. What the previews could never convey is just how much heart is in the story. By the time the credits roll, you will be emotionally invested in Dodge and Penny. I won’t give you any hint to the emotions to will experience as it will ruin the movie for you. Part of the experience and feeling honest emotions is not knowing where this one goes. Trust me on that.

The story excels when it is showing the truth. You might ask how a fictional tale about the end of the world shows the truth. Well, it shows a lot of honest and genuine behavior that will likely be exhibited when the end is eminent. People will do some really irrational things. Some people will let go of their inhibitions. Some will try to knock things off that bucket list. Others will want to take advantage of the situation for personal gain. These situations are shown during the course of the film and lead to the funniest moments.

Steve Carrell gives what may be his finest performance to date. You knew he was destined for greatness all the way back when he did “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. Then he did “Little Miss Sunshine” and you saw more of his acting chops. Then he did “Crazy Stupid Love” which was a performance that got him closer to being an Oscar caliber performer. I wouldn’t be surprised if something comes of this role next February when the Oscar nominations are announced. Carrell’s muted and deadpan delivery is what makes his character work.

Kiera Knightley is solid. I can’t make any complaints of her performance. She expected to deliver in a dramatic role, however. Therefore, by relation, her performance isn’t as exception as her counterpart’s. The real fun performances are the short appearances by the likes of Patton Oswalt, Rob Corddry, Connie Britton, Adam Brody, Derek Luke, and William Peterson. All of these people played characters that might seem to over the top in another movie. Here they just make it work. I can’t describe it any other way.

Should you go run and buy a ticket to “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”? No. See it when you can. It is one of my favorite movies of the year, so I highly recommend it if you do have the chance. If that is when it hits DVD, then so bee it. (I rate it 4/4 on the Stars system)

Watch this. It is worth your time...

2011-10-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

My new Favorite Band, Fitz and the Tantrums. If you don't like this video, you don't have a soul.

Finally, my glowing review of Bridesmaids

2011-06-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

My friend Steve looks at me as if I am crazy every time I tell him that Bridesmaids is a great movie. He seems quite skeptical of my raving review for the movie. At some point I’ll just make him see it. The rest of you, however, are going to need to trust what I tell you about the movie right now.

I was initially skeptical of Bridesmaids. Hell, I hadn’t even heard a damn thing about it until I was waiting for someone at the theater and noticed the poster for it. To me it just seemed like another teeny bopper romantic comedy. It was much to my pleasure to eventually learn that it was neither a teeny bopper movie or a romantic comedy.

Yeah, I didn’t get a good look at it the first time. I saw the title in big letters and thought it was some knockoff of lowly girlie comedies like The Sleepover or Jawbreaker. Had I gotten closer I would have seen the smaller font that indicated that the producer of Superbad, Knocked Up, and The 40 Year Old Virgin was involved. That is Judd fucking Apatow. I can’t recall that man being involved with anything remotely near cinematic garbage. I also totally blanked on the fact that the movie was written by and starred Kristen Wiig. I freaking love Kristen Wiig. She is usually one of the few highlights of any episode of Saturday Night Live. She was brilliant in her small part in Knocked Up. She has a way delivering very dry, yet lively lines. Anyways, I was suddenly interested in the movie at this point. I read some good reviews and decided to go see it myself.

As I stated earlier, Bridesmaids is by no means a romantic comedy. Sure there is a side plot with a love interest, but it is not the focus of the movie. The movie is much more interesting and can best be described as a basic R-rated comedy that focuses on a female lead character. Basically it is like taking any one of the Apatow comedies and swapping out the cast with mostly women. There is swearing. There is some sex. And there are raunchy gross out moments. All this stuff happening to a bunch of women is an alien concept for a mainstream Hollywood movie. Regardless, it clicks on all cylinders.

Wiig stars as Annie, a down on her luck Milwaukee woman who recently lost her cake making business due to the horrible economic situation. Maya Rudolph plays her best friend, Lily, who gets engaged in the first act of the movie and thus sets up the basic premise. Lily chooses Annie to be her maid of honor and we soon meet the rest of her bridesmaids. First the is Rita (Wendi McLendon-Covey), Lily’s cousin and a married mother of several teenage boys. Then there is Becca (The Office’s Ellie Kemper), a newly-wed who has only ever been with one man. Thirdly, there is Lily’s future sister in law, Megan (Melissa McCarthy) who is a strong, independent, and confident woman. Rounding out the bridesmaids is Helen (Rose Byrne), who is a relatively new friend of Lily.

The central conflict of the movie is that the one good thing in Annie’s life, her relationship with Lily, is being threatened by Helen’s involvement in the wedding. An unspoken rivaly is born as both Annie and Helen try to out-do the other in showing Lily how great of a friend they are. Now if Bridesmaids were a cliché of a movie, Annie would be imagining that Helen was deliberately trying to one up her. That is not really the case here and it makes us root for everything to work out in Annie’s favor. Needless to say, this rivalry is the catalyst for a series of comedic follies and misunderstandings.

Some really great scenes are created out of this core conflict. One of them, and I never thought I would say this about a movie, takes place in a dress shop while another goes down on a flight to Las Vegas. Both are scenes that will, without a doubt, win you over. After you see those scenes, you should be involved in the movie until the closing credits.

Wiig is utterly brilliant in Bridesmaids. If anything, the movie will be a catapult for her into mainstream success. She will get more leading roles and will write many more films after this. She has mastered the art of behaving in a crazy manner, but still keeping her characters grounded in reality. Wiig is also great doing some physical comedy in Bridesmaids, which is totally a lost art in movie making.

Mad Men fans will be thrilled to see Jon Hamm in the movie as well. He has a small bit part that I can’t describe without ruining its awesomeness. His first lines of the movie are words I never expected to hear the man say. I look forward to him doing more comedies in the future as he always brings his A game.

Ultimately, the real scene stealer in Bridesmaids is Melissa McCarthy. Her portrayal of Megan rivals the zaniness of Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover. I don’t think there was a word that came out of her mouth that wasn’t funny. Right from the moment Megan is introduced all the way into the credits sequence, she owns every bit of her performance. When you leave the theater, she will be the one you are talking about.

All in all, Bridesmaids was a solid summer comedy. I will go as far as saying that it is the best comedy of the year. Hell, I am putting it up with the contenders for best movie I have seen in 2011 period. It is the perfect balance of comedy with a strong emotional core. It is a wonder as to why more movies don’t mold themselves in the Apatow formula. Oh well, if they did, then Bridesmaids wouldn’t be this summer’s hidden gem.

I eventually got some Vicodin... i think

2011-04-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

This originally was written on my Facebook page on Sunday, July 13, 2008

“I have to go to the bathroom”

Those were the words that came out of my mouth. They were nothing too absurd or out of the ordinary. Hell, everyone has made that same statement at least once a day for the past however many years they have been alive. What was absurd about it however, was the fact that I was under the influence of anesthesia and was out of my fucking mind. As the story was relayed to me by my mother and sister, I followed that statement by drunkenly motioning to take off my pants. It was lucky for everyone that I had no god damned motor skills at the time.

Yes, folks, that was indeed part of the post wisdom teeth extraction aftermath. It was a wonderful time full of incoherent babbling, stumbling, and black out fun. Truth be told, I can't recall much of anything I am about to share with you. It is bit hazy with only a few highlights that I can actually playback in my head. Okay, so I am not playing them back exactly as they happened, but in a more faint and fragmented version of the truth. Lucky for us, my mother and sister filled me in on all the shenanigans.

I wasn't initially going to take the knock out gas because I thought I might have to pay up front. However, since one tooth was all impacted and such, I was able to pay for it later. Now, after everyone has done everything in their power to make me scared shitless of the surgery, I was quite open to the idea. I was like, “knock me out, doc, because all my friends tell me this is gonna suck balls”. So, it was on like Donkey Kong. They put the gas mask on me to get me relaxed, put a rubber stop in my mouth to keep it open, and then jabbed me with an IV. Seconds later...

....Well, it was virtually seconds later when I woke up more disoriented than a hooker in a confessional booth. I couldn't believe it was over, but I was totally fine with the fact that it was. I remember looking around, seeing the family nearby, and immediately announcing what we were gonna do next,

“Okay, it's time to go get my new TV!” I exclaimed like a child chasing an ice cream truck.

“I don't think you'll be doing much of anything,” the doctor responded. He clearly didn't know who the fuck he was talking to and what the fuck he was talking about. My new TV was in the works for weeks My sister was helping me buy it because I gave her my old computer. There was no way that this wasn't going to happen.

If I recall correctly, I responded along the lines of, “Oh, we'll see about that now, won't we?” I am fairly certain that the doctor didn't really give a shit as long as I wasn't fucking up my mouth on his watch. He also probably wanted to avoid arguing with a drunk man.

Yep. Drunk. That is the best that I can explain the state that I was in. I don't know what being drunk is really like, so I can only assume that this was it. I was conscious, yet I felt like an observer in my own body. It was as if I had tunnel vision and could only focus on the world directly in front of me, and concentrate on one thing at a time. Also, I don't think I had a lick of judgment going for me since I seemed to be reacting on the first thought that popped into my head. In retrospect, I believe I sat there thinking “gee, that wasn't right, but okay, its cool.” Everything I was about to do, I was fine with, no matter how ridiculous I got.

Truth be told, it took all of 0.0002 seconds for me to disregard what the doctor said entirely. I wanted an HD fucking TV and there was no stopping me. It was time to get my ass out of that damn dental chair. So, I spun my feet off the end of the chair and-

Oops, that shit was good. Almost took a digger there. Apparently my motor skills really were shit right from the get go. I was more stumble prone than my friend Justine after one drink (which to her can include the contents of an entire pitcher of a mixed drink). It was a good thing that the nurses were there to save me from face planting.

However, I wasn't convinced that I was really in that bad of shape. Had I taken a dive, I might have reconsidered, but since I was in one piece, I felt like as giddy as Paula Abdul after a trip to the pharmacy. The nurses rolled in the wheelchair they are legally required to put me in and wheel me to the door. I wasn't having it. I argued for a minute or two insisting that I was just fine and could walk out of there with pride. They got me to get in the damn thing somehow. According to my sister, somewhere amidst the madness I managed some minor sexual harassment as I informed a nurse she was good looking. Upon hearing this, I couldn't help but wonder which one I offended. When I went back the following week for a follow up, I took a good look at all of the ladies in the office. No, not to see if I could remember the face I referred to, but to see which one of them was staring daggers into me for acting a mess.

Somehow, the folks at Aurora Baycare managed to wheel me to my mother's car without incident. I cannot remember how, nor was exactly informed how this all went down. The account of the events from my sister seemed to indicate this is where I indicated that I needed to go to the bathroom. I apparently didn't specify if it was a number one or a number too, but if I were to guess, I would say a number two. That is just a guess however. Number two would just have been more interesting. Of course, I was a really just a bold faced liar. I didn't have to go to the bathroom. If memory serves me correctly, I didn't use the facilities until hours later. Yes, that could have been because even I knew trying to stand in front of a toilet was a liability, but it is more likely that I was just trying to be an attention whore.

Really though, I kind of failed at that. If I really wanted attention, I might as well have just pulled down my pants and left a steaming surprise right there on the chair. Why? What do you mean, why? Because that is honestly the one of the rare times in life where you can get away with dropping your trousers and plopping a deuce right in front of complete strangers without anyone being able to judge you. It wasn't my fault that their anesthesia or laughing gas made me more interesting that I will ever be again. They probably bought the stuff from K-mart, so they should have known it was the bad shit. Anyway, had I actually laid a poo or streamed some pee, everyone at that office would have just had a great story to tell when they got home from work. They probably would have been secretly thanking me for making their job legitimately interesting for the first time in their life. I could have been a legend that went down in office lore. They would have warned future patients about the potential side effects.

“Well, you might feel a little funny when the anesthesia wears off. It happens all the time. One time a guy dropped a shit brick in the parking lot, so if you feel like starting a giggling fit, we'd consider that to be quite normal,” they would say to every patient from there on out. Alas, I didn't do anything to that extent, but I couldn't help but feel like I did when I went into the office for that follow-up. I think there was a lot of whispering and pointing going on with a lot of “there he is. That guy was a complete ass hat.”

So, there I was, at the car. As I was getting in, I nearly knocked my own head off because of another “oops” moment. Depth perception is allegedly affected when you are under the influence as well. On the bright side, it didn't hurt when I hit my head on the roof of the car. I couldn't feel shit and I was fine with that. I was on cloud nine feeling as great as I ever had. That was something that I felt needed to be shared, so I pulled out my cell phone.

At this point, there was no legitimate logical structure to my decisions. I needed someone to dial and unfortunately it happened to be the first and only people I seemed to even remember knowing. With that, I dialed the lovely Jennifer Schaar to tell her how everything went. Never mind the fact that I hadn't really had a phone conversation with Jen in a couple months, nor did she even know I was going in to get the wisdom teeth extracted. That didn't stop me since I felt pretty fucking justified in calling her. She did, after all, leave me a message on my facebook wall earlier that day. Basically, it was her own fucking fault for giving me a reason to remember she was a good friend.

It would have been much more harmless had Jen's voice mail just picked up. Oh, but she answered, and almost immediately I think. She was probably wondering why I was randomly calling her in the middle of the day on a Thursday. Even better, she was probably wondering what the fuck I was saying. My mouth was full of gauze, so I can only assume that I sounded like Kirstie Alley pouncing on a wedding cake. I can't recall exactly what I was telling her, but I do know that I managed to inform her that I was going to melt her face (only Jen knows what I really “said”). That much was understood without saying though. Everyone wants to melt a wonderful face like Jen's. That understanding aside, Jen still was confused as all hell when I got off the phone with her. She then called Jason to ask if I had my wisdom teeth pulled or something. She was on to something there as we both had a great idea. I was calling Jason as well.

I got his voice mail, which I didn't mind because I was high as a fucking kite. I managed to mumble to him that everything went fine and I feel good. At this point I realized that I felt better than fine. I was really liking whatever was happening to me. To that regard I informed Jason's voice mail, “this stuff is great. I am seeing things that I have never seen before”. Later that night, I checked my call log and couldn't seem to find the call I made to Jason. He never did really confirm to me that he got the voice mail, so I am not even sure I was really talking to anything. I was probably just hearing things that weren't there, which goes nicely with the things I hadn't ever seen before.

It was at that point that I decided to call my brother, Nathan, but the mother and sister scolded me and made me put my phone away. However, my brother still got a call, but from my sister. She needed to inform him of how much of an ass I was being. It was fine though, because it was funny. The trip across Green Bay continued with me gazing aimlessly out the window.

Eventually we stopped at Walgreens a block from my house. It was a good thing that my mother used the drive through because I was ready to get out and get my own prescription for hydrocodine. While that was being taken care of, we drove over to Culvers to get a bunch of food that I couldn't eat. I was a little pissed off about that. There was pissing and moaning when I got home. That didn't last long however because I remembered again that I needed to go get my new TV. Mom and Tiffany reminded me again that I was in no shape to get a TV. I said “Sure I am!” and then proceeded to demonstrate by doing the Ric Flair strut towards the couch, which I stumbled onto and stayed for the next two hours.

By that point the good stuff had worn off and I was back to the confines of reality. That fucking sucked.

And that was that. There was a happy ending though, since I did get to go buy the new TV. It is a beautiful 32 inch Samsung LCD. TV shows broadcast in HD look so fucking amazing that I don't even care what I am watching. The next day after the operation I found myself mesmerized by the “Pooh and Tigger” show on the Dinsey HD channel and some really silly show on Discovery HD where they just show you the sun rising in random parts of the world. Sure, it was boring as fuck, but god damn it looked better than real life.

Holy shit! I somehow managed to write 2,000 words about my ridiculous day of surgery. How the hell did that happen? That is cool and all, but now I am getting a little tired.

Laughs and Heart, a rare combo in movies...

2011-03-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Question. How long has Anne Heche been a total fox? Seriously. Have I just missed it all these years? This weekend I definitely took notice when I saw her in a supporting role in the comedy Cedar Rapids. Ms. Heche was mighty fine and sexy in the movie. Now, this was by no way the reason I will give my stamp of approval on Cedar Rapids, but it sure was an added bonus.

Many of you probably don’t even know what movie I am talking about. So, because of that I will allow you to take a moment and Google the shit out of it. Hit up Apple for the trailer or IMDB for the details. Come back and skip a paragraph because I need to rant for a second.

You know, part of my job involves me giving customers web support when they can’t seem to get our site working for them. A lot of it is just helping them reset their passwords because they forgot. That’s not so bad. But then I get the people who shouldn’t even be allowed on the internet. I can’t even tell you how many times someone calls with some confusion about the website, only to discover that I can’t fix it because they aren’t anywhere near a frickin computer. That’s like going to a mechanic without your car. Really people? Really? Next week I will rant about the dumb asses who don’t know how to use their web browser.

Okay, so we are caught up now. Cedar Rapids stars Ed Helms as Tim Lippe, an insurance agent from Brown Valley, Wisconsin. Tim is a sheltered man who has never really experienced much of the world outside of his home town. Hell, he is even banging one of his teachers from middle school (played by Sigourney Weaver), and is in a delusional state of “love” with her. Needless to say, he has a shell of a life and doesn’t even know it.

When a colleague of Lippe’s dies in a tragic and comedic way, he is thrust into the spotlight when his boss sends him to a conference in Cedars Rapids, Iowa. Lippe’s mission is to go to the conference and wow his peers enough to win his agency’s fourth consecutive Double Diamond Award. He is on strict orders to stay focused and do his agency proud. Specifically, he is told to stay away from a known client poacher by the name of Dean Zeigler (John C Reily). Zeigler is a brash and vulgar man with many vices who is not afraid to let loose. He clearly has a lot of stories to tell, which makes him a polar opposite of Tim Lippe.

Lippe’s goal is sidetracked by the fact that he quickly befriends Zeigler and two other agents named Ronald Wilkes (Isaiah Whitlock Jr.) and Joan Ostrowski-Fox (Heche). Ronald is a sensible man and may be the first black man that Lippe had ever seen in person. Joan is a married mother of two who attends weekend conferences as a way to unwind. The long and short of the plot is that Lippe is introduced to a lot of stimuli that he was not privy to in small town Wisconsin. There are some drugs, some alcohol, and some sex thrown at him. Needless to say, his life and mission are thrown upside down.

The long and short of it is that Cedar Rapids is a typical story about a guy from a small town who goes to the big city and is a fish out of water – but with not so typical results. The movie does not move along like it is just another cookie cutter comedy. When it is funny, it is superbly hilarious. When it is awkward, it is pleasantly uncomfortable. When the movie wants to have some serious moments, they are full of legitimate heart. Rather than just throw together a series of jokes, the filmmakers of Cedar Rapids told a story that was actually funny. That’s something that Adam Sandler should consider for his next movie (besides leaving Kevin James out of it).

Most of you will know Ed Helms from his role as Andy Bernard on The Office or as Stu in The Hangover. He hasn’t really had himself a lead role before. In The Hangover, he was still second fiddle to Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifinakis, but showed his potential. In Cedar Rapids he shows that he has the chops to carry his own movie. Also, Helms shows that he has range in his performance and will not be typecast into any particular role. Most of all, Helms is likable which plays off nicely with the questionable nature of John C. Reily’s morally ambiguous Dean Zeigler.

Reily steals the show. In a movie full of laughs, he brings the majority of them. As the movie goes on he crafts a character from being an overzealous asshole into a guy you can’t help but like. The one scene that will have you talking involves Dean Zeigler drunk in a swimming pool and wearing a garbage can lid as a helmet. I laugh just thinking about it.

Cedar Rapids is by no means on the same level as The Hangover or The 40 Year Old Virgin, but it is as good, if not better than any other comedy released in 2011. It may not have been promoted that heavily, but that is not indicative on the quality of the movie. If you have a brain, a funny bone, and a heart, you’ll give this one two thumbs up.

See you at the White House: The 2010 Green Bay Packers

2011-02-05T21:24:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl is tomorrow. Hold on a moment while I let that soak in. It has been nearly two weeks since the Packers won the NFC championship game and I still don’t think I have comprehended the gravity of the situation. My Green Bay Packers are in the freaking SUPER BOWL. It has been quite the experience with it happening while living in Green Bay. This is something important to this city and its people.

It has been one hell of a season, right? I have quite a few talking points to go over, but first I must throw out a little shout out to a friend of mine. My co-worker and friend, Jillian, entered a contest with a local radio station to show that she is Green Bay’s biggest Kenny Chesney Fan. How does this tie into the Packers? Because Kenny has a concert here this summer at Lambeau Field that will be the first of its kind at the stadium. The radio station wants to send a local fan to Tampa to be a correspondence on Kenny’s tour before he brings the show to Lambeau. Jillian can be that person if we show her some support.

So, what am I getting to? I’d like you to click the following link. When you do so, please find the “Like” button at the bottom of the page. If Jillian tallies up enough votes, she gets to go to Tampa. It takes a total of 4 seconds to do. If you are reading this blog, you can spare that time.

A Reflection of Destiny

At the beginning of the NFL season, everyone expected the Packers to go to the Super Bowl. They were supposed to make it there. The expectations were high and the Packers nation wasn’t going to be happy unless that result came to light. By mid season, those expectations were burned to ashes. The Packers didn’t look like the contenders we expected them to be. They couldn’t close the deal on many close games. The special teams looked as nice as a Lindsay Lohan mug shot. The offense was sporadic. The defense was the only constant. And they came through every time we needed them to. It took 13 games and an ass kicking by the Lions to put things in perspective. The Packers weren’t meeting expectations and it wasn’t going to be easy. It took the 14^th game of the season and all the odds stacked against them for this team to realize their true destiny.

The Best Game of the Season

The odd thing about this season is that the most important game the Packers played all season was one in which they lost. Week 15 versus the Patriots is what made this Packers team what they are going into Dallas tomorrow. That game changed everything. It may not have been the best game they played, but it was the one they very well may have put the most heart into. They were just seconds away of upsetting the Patriots . Hell, they were beating them for most of the game. That wasn’t supposed to happen with a banged up team and a backup quarterback who had never started a game in his life.

It was in this game where you could see that the Packers really believed that they were something special. You could see that they were unified on a cause. It was this game that showed that Mike McCarthy really does have the respect of his players. He coached the best game of his life and it showed with the play calling and the effort by his team. They lost this game, but they found themselves. Their true character showed.

Up until this game, the Packers all but asked everyone to doubt their legitimacy. However, this game changed all that. It was a turning point. Their potential started to shine. You could start to feel that they were capable of doing great things when all cylinders were firing. The Packers’ destiny was looming. Not everyone could see it. One man did, though. His name was Lovie Smith. He wanted nothing to do with the Packers, so he was going to try everything to eliminate them from the playoffs. The Bears played the Packers hard in week 17 and I have no doubt that Lovie would have went for the dagger with a two point conversion had his team scored on its final drive.

Best Play of the Season

The onside kick at the start of the Patriots game was the best call of the season by Mike McCarthy, if not the best he ever made. Nobody ever does that. The Packers had nothing to lose. They weren’t even supposed to be in the game, so kicking it onside was a risk they could take. It worked like a charm and set the tone for the intensity they were about to bring. This kick blew my mind. I am still awed by it.

Most Important Performance of the Season

Most people might point to Rodgers and his game against the Falcons during the playoffs. That was an epic performance, but it would not have been possible if this other guy didn’t bring the game of his life. I am referring to the week 17 performance of Erik Walden. His stats were a clear indication of his impact. He had 16 tackles and 3 sacks. The man was all over the place and the main reason the Bears couldn’t score more than a field goal. He was chasing around Jay Cutler all day and making his life a living hell before Twitter took a shot at the guy. This performance by Walden was the indication that the team was finally past all of the injuries. The players all knew their roles and were following the game plan to near perfection.

Erik Walden showed that they didn’t need the “elite” players in there to make an impact. Everyone on that defense had their own part to play. Any player could make a play at any time. This was apparent in the playoffs and I expect it to ring true during the Super Bowl.

The Team MVPs

Aaron Rodgers is the easy pick. So, that is why I won’t be choosing him. First, I must acknowledge how much better Tim Masthay has been punting the past couple months. He seems to have found the golden leg. He managed to keep Devin Hester from making an impact twice in four weeks. He kept Desean Jackson at bay as well. He was putting balls inside the twenty like it was his job or something. Like it or not, he made a big difference down the stretch. For that, he gets one of my MVP awards.

As for defense, the easy pick is Clay Matthews. Nope. He was great, but the guy I am thinking about was consistent all season. I don’t even think I saw him make a bad play. Who? Tramon Williams, that is who. He brought his game to the next level. Hell, he was so great that the Packers let Al Harris go. He played so damn awesome that it freed up Chuck Woodson to run amuck from all angles. Williams was able to cover anyone. You could barely throw his way. Hell, you rarely heard his name because he wasn’t being burned. Plays weren’t being made his way, so that is the best you could ever ask from a cornerback. Oh wait, he brought more than that to the table. Clutch plays in the playoffs? You are damn right!

My offensive MVP was John Kuhn. He never was razzle dazzle, but he was tough. He converted for first downs in short yardage. He was a threat on the ground and in the air near the goal line. He took on the burden of being the lead back when Ryan Grant went down. His stats never would wow people, but he was always managing to make plays. In the process, he became a cult hero.

You Should Send Brett Favre a Thank You Note

I can feel the disdain you all have pulsating through your veins at the mere mention of the man. Don’t close the window just yet. Let me explain myself. I really do believe that Brett Favre contributed to this year’s Super Bowl run.

Love him or hate him, Brett Favre’s waffling allowed this team to be what it is today. Had he rode off into the sunset in 2008, the Packers would not be the team they are. So his wishy washy act actually did some good for the Packers and I am going to tell you why.

Brett Favre’s need to return to football left Ted Thompson with a decision. Release him or trade him. They couldn’t release him because he would end up in Chicago or Minnesota faster than a text message travels. Ted traded Brett.

The trade was a conditional 4^th round pick. The round increased based on performance. Brett, because he came back, played every game for the Jets. This was enough to bump the pick up to a 3^rd rounder. This gave the Packers 4 picks in the first three rounds. This also gave Ted Thompson something to work with.

Ted had a plan in the 2009 draft and he put it into motion. He had the freedom to take the best guy on the board when the Packers’ pick came up. So, he took a little guy by the name of B.J. Raji. He undoubtedly took Raji as part of a master plan to solidify the 3-4 defense that was being put into place. This gave him some room to trade around.

Ted decided that he could part ways with the team’s 2^nd round pick and his two third round picks for the Patriots late 1^st round pick and a 5^h round pick. The trade was put into place and the Packers selected Clay Matthews.

So, as you can see, that 3^rd round pick the Packers got for Favre translated into the Raji/Matthews first round surprise. In simpler terms: Favre’s antics turned into Clay Matthews (and to some extent contributed to the pick of BJ Raji).

I appreciate this weird twist of fate. As much as Favre is hated, his ugly divorce with the Packers was written into the team’s destiny. Fate never intended for a clean retirement. Had Favre rode off into the sunset, the Packers defense would look drastically different. And yes, I will go as far as saying that they wouldn’t be as good as they are now.

The Favre debacle left a bad taste in my mouth as a fan. I hated how it all went down. I spent three seasons trying to make sense of it. Now I understand. It was meant to happen that way. It had to. This team of destiny was nudged in this direction the moment Brett changed his mind. As a fan, I am not at peace over the situation. It had to be this way. Thank you for, your antics, Brett. They may have tarnished your legacy, but in the end, they were for the greater good.

My Thoughts on the Big Game

The experts have been beating this to death for two weeks now. I don’t want to point out all the strengths and weaknesses since it has been done over and over. We all know what the Packers theoretically need to do. They are more than capable of winning this thing. Vegas seems to agree. How astounding is it that the 6 seed Wild Card team is favored? That has to be unprecedented.

The Packers earned that respect from the odds makers though. They are on the hottest of streaks as we have ever seen. Some would argue that the Patriots were also on a hot streak during their 16-0 season. Well, this is different. The law of averages caught up with New England. The Packers got their ugly shit out of their system. I expect the best of their performances to come during Super Bowl XLV.

Rodgers will have a good game. I wouldn’t expect anything else. Big Ben will avoid a few sacks like they were rape charges. The announcers will talk a lot about hair. These things are givens. But let me give you a few predictions of things I think may go down.

First, I really believe that Raji will get to touch the ball on offense. That elephant package will come out on short yardage that isn’t near the goal line as well. When they need a yard, they just need to get Raji in there to show the world who he is. He will also give those Glee kids a hard act to follow once he gets those dance moves going.

The wide receivers that shine for the Packers will be named Jones and Nelson. They are going to be the ones with the best matchups and Rodgers likes them. Look for one of them to get some serious yards after the catch. Jones seems to be focused now that he got that ugly drop out of his system. Dare I say that one of these guys could be MVP?

I expect the Packers to run a whole not more than expected. They may utilize the same game plan that they used against the Patriots. They were running out of 4 WR sets quite often. And out of the shotgun formation. This may be the surprise of the game.

I expect at least one defensive touchdown by one of the teams.

It is a given that I am picking the Packers, right? Not only because I have to, but because they should win. So, I am going with a historical score. 35-21 Packers. Raji as game MVP(because I bet money on this)

See you in the White House.

This one is for all the cookies in the jar as far as I am concerned.

2011-01-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

All is quiet north of the border this morning. Once 2 p.m. hits, it might as well be utterly silent. Pick any random town in the state of Wisconsin and you’ll find a virtual ghost town. Frozen tumbleweed might as well blow across Main Street. It isn’t a time to be out and about amidst the hustle and bustle. There is a football game to be played. A football game that may be more important than any ever played (if you ask anyone around here). Shit is about the go real as the actual battle is being fought.

The citizens of Wisconsin aren’t often united on any issues. If we aren’t debating the merits of a high speed train system, we are arguing about a state wide smoking ban. There has always been plenty to disagree about. However, one thing has generally kept us all on the same page. When it comes to Packers football, this state bands together like chubby kids sneaking out of fat camp.

Just look at Facebook this morning. It is littered with references to the game. Hell, the past week has been filled with posts. There hasn’t been a game getting this much attention ever as far as I am concerned. People are taking this seriously. Not just seriously, but bat shit seriously. The fans are more into this game and rivalry than the players are.

We all know the history. This is only the second time the Packers have ever played the Bears in the playoffs. It is the first time ever that the NFC was decided between these teams. It is an epic scenario just based off of the history of the two teams. Then take into consideration that a few years back, when hired, Lovie Smith made his first goal as the coach to beat the Packers. That is a bold fucking statement. And you know what? He followed through and beat the Packers that year. That didn’t sit well with Packers nation.

Fast forward to this season. The Bears won the NFC North in a fashion that was composed of luck and inept play by the Packers. The general sentiment is that the Packers lost the division more so than the Bears won it. On the other hand, the Bears fans all feel as if the critical world of sports is shitting on their team. They expected more respect since they did win the division and earned a first round bye. Their team is playing at home. However, somehow, they are listed as the underdogs. As a true fan of my own team, I know that would piss me off.

The rivalry was in full force this week. Nasty verbal barbs were being exchanged. Jokes were forwarded in emails. Pictures were photoshopped into trash talking media. Music videos were shared across facebook. It is not just Packers versus Bears or the city of Green Bay versus Chicago. This is about Wisconsin versus Illinois, or how both sides would describe it, Good versus Evil. This is about those god damned tolls we have to pay just to visit Ikea. This is about the jacked up prices in Lake Geneva. This is about all the jokes about bad driving or the implication that being a cheesehead is a bad thing. All the frustrations of two states in storied feud gets settled on a football field near the shores of Lake Michigan. A trip to the Super Bowl is technically on the line, but so are bragging rights.

Wisconsites want to stick it to the FIBs. Illini want to shut up all the beer drinking cheeseheads. Whoever wins will get about seven months of bragging rights before the loser gets another shot in this feud. Seven months can be a long fucking time.

Many will say that this is just a game. Those people clearly don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Just Cut(ler) it out. He isn't THAT bad...

2011-01-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

Have any of you noticed how there seems to be some real hate for a young fellow named Jay Cutler? You might have heard of him. He’s the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears. No, not him. Not him either. I know it’s hard to keep track of all the Bears quarterbacks since there have been 42 of them since Brett Favre started his first game. However, I am referring to the most recent guy. Yep, the one with the pouty face. NOW you know who I am talking about. This guy.

He doesn’t look too happy in this picture, does he? I wonder why that is. It is probably because his blood sugar was low or something like that. Now, I don’t exactly understand the disdain people have for Cutler. I’ve never really picked up on a blatant reason to hate the guy. Sure he throws an interception or two, but so did the guy us Packers fans followed for 16 years. We got over it. Poor Cutler might just need to hang in there for a while. Maybe if he wins some games, he’ll win some people over.

And it isn’t even just Packers fans who hate on the guy. The people of Denver were happy to see him traded to the Bears. News outlets in Wisconsin were quoting Bears fans wishing they had Rodgers as their guy. Hell, the internet is littered with all kinds of memes making fun of the poor dude. It apparently is really easy to do so. If I had photoshop skills, I might get in on this. Instead, I’ll just let a bunch of other people do it for me.

I found some real winners in the Facebook event named “National F**k the Bears Week!”. The site is littered with them. So, with that, let me share the ones that really warmed my cold heart a bit.

This one is probably my favorite since I especially loved “Inception”. Incredibly creative.

This one is great because it plays on the LOLZ Cats memes and shows some pouting.

I love a good motivational poster mock up.

This one brings up something I never noticed about Jay Cutler, but gosh damn, they are right!

This one is just plain offensive. I don’t agree with it whatsoever. I am curious if it is a photo shop job or a legit jersey someone runs around wearing on game day. I doubt it’s a Packers fan wearing this shit. They wouldn’t waste their money on a Bears jersey. This has to be a disgruntled Bears fan. Come on, people, it isn’t so bad for you. Your team made it to a Super Bowl with Sexy Rexy.

This one isn’t even a mock up. Someone just found an embarrassing photo. Simplicity is sometimes the most effective.

Some of the photo skills are a little rough, but they make up for it with a good joke.

This one is just plain clever.

Now as I said, I don’t get the Cutler hate. Other than his supposed poutiness, he isn’t that bad of a quarterback. He’ll probably even start more than two consecutive seasons for the Bears. That would be a feat. However, I am not naive. I know that a few solid seasons won’t save Jay Cutler from ridicule from the Packers nation. We make a pass time out of knocking on the Bears’ quarterback. We’ve been doing it since Jim McMahon was there. In actuality, longevity at the QB position makes you fodder for Packers fans. Just ask Jim Harbaugh, Erik Kramer, and Rex Grossman.

Grossman was actually fun to make fun of. His erractic game play essentially spoke for itself, so the jokes he endured weren’t as funny as his numbers. Speaking of numbers, let’s go over the astounding number from before: 42. That is the number of starting quarterbacks the Bears have had since the beginning of the modern Packers era (we’ll call it that from now on rather than pointing out that it is when Favre started his first game). For shits and giggles, lets look at the list of field generals from the past 19 years (Source: http://www.bearshistory.com/)

1992: Jim Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer
1993: Harbaugh, Willis
1994: Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh
1995: Kramer 1996: Kramer, Dave Kreig
1997: Kramer, Rick Mirer
1998: Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
1999: Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller
2000: McNown, Matthews, Miller
2001: Miller, Matthews
2002: Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris
2003: Kordell Stewart, Chandler, Rex Grossman
2004: Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson
2005: Kyle Orton, Grossman
2006: Grossman
2007: Grossman, Brian Griese, Orton
2008: Orton, Grossman

2009: Jay Cutler

2010: Cutler, Todd Collins

And yes, I do realize that they are counting guys being shuffled around as an additional start. Either way, that shit ain’t good. They probably should have kept Orton. People didn’t seem to hate him that much. Hell, they seemed to respect the man’s neck beard.

Maybe that isn’t the best picture of the guy, but I still respect the neck beard. It takes a big man to pull it off. In all fairness, Orton had a decent season on a really bad team. Over 3,600 yards, 20 TDs, and only 9 INTs. Those numbers are enough to win for a quarterback. They were just as good, if not better than Cutler (3,274 yards, 26 TDs, 16 INTs). Kyle Orton still got the good end of that trade. Even if he is getting pushed out of his job so that the Chosen One can start. He’ll find a new home and still won’t have to face the ridicule that Cutler will face if he doesn’t win on Sunday.

Now, as I said, I don’t totally get the hate on Jay Cutler. He is much better than some of the riff raff on that list a few paragraphs back. Shane Matthews anyone? Jim Miller? Chad Hutchinson? Bears fans should be glad that the guy stays healthy. Granted he may be inconsistent, I would still take him over most of those other guys. I respect the fact that he even made it to the NFL when he hadn’t ever played in a bowl game during his time at Vanderbilt. Hell, this is the first year he has been in the postseason since high school. The man has something going for him if he is now starting in the NFC Championship game.

Some of the hate is probably jealousy because Cutler is banging Kristin Cavallari from that show I don’t know the name of and would never watch. That has to count for something, right? Maybe he has emo hair, but at least he trims it, unlike Mr. Brady in New England. In fact, he isn’t even the least likable quarterback left in the playoffs. When has Jay Cutler forced sex on a woman in a bathroom guarded by goons? Probably never.

Win or lose, Bears fans, at least your quarterback isn’t an accused rapist. And that is something to be proud of.

There's no other way,,,

2011-01-17T21:31:00.000-08:00

Just over three weeks ago within the walls of Lambeau Field there was a growing rumble of words becoming clearer every second. There were a few minutes left in the game versus the Giants, but the crowd was already looking forward. The Packer nation had spoken.

“The Bears Still Suck”

We wanted another shot at those opportunistic sons of bitches. They stole a division title that should have been ours. Instead a few mistakes and some ill-timed injuries practically gifted the Bears with the NFC North crown. The essential idea was that Bears didn’t so much win the division, but the Packers just lost it.

Two weeks ago was an intense release of frustrations. The Packers needed a win to get in and they just happened to be playing the team that stole what was rightfully theirs. Lovie Smith had his starters playing the whole time in a game that meant nothing to his team. However, we would soon learn why he tried everything in his power to win that game. There is no way in hell that he wanted to play these Green Bay Packers.

The Packers were now a different team than they were in September. They were no longer disjointed and undisciplined. They had overcome the rash of injuries. This team was now a force to be reckoned with. These Green Bay Packers were dangerous. That game in week 17 was not meaningless for the Bears after all. If they wanted to make it to the Super Bowl, they had to stop the Packers from being on the other side of the bracket.

Only the Packers weren’t going to have any of that nonsense. The defense shut the Bears down while the offense scored in the clutch. All they had to do was get in the playoffs. Once that happened, the regular season didn’t matter. The playoffs is where the question of “who is better” is sorted out.

This Sunday we will get our answer once and for all. The rightful winner of the division will be crowned. The best in the NFC will be known. The oldest rivalry in professional football would write its most epic chapter yet. There is no better way to settle this feud than to play in the NFC championship game.

The truth is that the Bears don’t actually suck. They were good enough to get the job done this season. They were good enough to get a win over the Pack. They were good enough to earn a first round bye. They are not to be taken lightly, but that isn’t anything I would worry about with this Packers team.

By the end of the game third quarter this week, most Packers fans were looking towards the next game. The same reaction overcame majority of the cheese-head nation. Sure, we would love to knock around the Seahawks, but that wasn’t going to satisfy our need to prove a point. We wanted them one more time. We WANTED the Bears. We would not be satisfied if it was any other team. I can’t think of any other way this season could become any more storied.

Bring on the history…

Bring on the rivalry…

Bring on the feud….

Bring on the Bears….

Is it Sunday yet?

Destiny is calling...

2011-01-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

The expectations were high. A city, a state, and a nation of followers all had the same goal in mind. Reaching this pinnacle of excellence was not going to be a surprise. It was what was meant to be.

Are they meant to achieve the ultimate goal? Are they merely pretenders? Were the expectations too lofty? In less than a week, destiny will show its hand. On the shore of Lake Michigan, there will be an epic showdown like never before seen. The outcome has yet to be determined, but one thing is for certain: It was meant to be.

Two men will finally shake off criticism they may never have deserved. Validation may be 60 minutes away.

Another may be rewarded for more than a decade of devotion.

A folk hero can write another chapter.

A field general is on the verge of finally taking his place as the proper heir to the throne.

Under the direction of a defensive virtuoso

A hungry cub will stalk his prey,

While a hungry monster waits to claim his next soul.

A snubbed warrior can send a message to the naysayers.

A season of missed opportunities and close calls can be atoned for.

Fallen brothers will be avenged.

Disappointment will be replaced by pride.

One obstacle remains to be overcome before anything truly becomes history

A step by step process comes down to one task…

It's time to go bear hunting.

and the beat goes on for the Packers...

2011-01-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

The Green Bay Packers won another game today. If they hadn’t, they wouldn’t be playing next week. The playoffs are obviously a win or go home scenario, which is one that scares the crap out of me when it comes to this team. My beloved Packers are a two-headed animal. One head is like a beautiful mermaid. The other looks like Susan Boyle. You get the team that looks like a well oiled machine or you get the one that played against the Lions late in the season. You never know which head wears the helmet from week to week.

Fortunately, this weekend’s wildcard game against the Eagles was played by the pretty head of the monster. The Packers held the lead as soon as they got it. They were firing on all cylinders in the first half. They looked utterly unstoppable on offense and defense. Michael Vick was on a leash (pun totally intended). Then the second half came around and the fuggle head put on the helmet from time to time. The offense couldn’t sustain a drive like we needed them to. However, the defense decided they weren’t going allow another disappointing nail-biting defeat. The Pack moves on because the defense once again bent a little, but did not break.

That is the story of this 2010 Packers team. They may bend a little, but they do not break. This is especially true of the defense. They may let a team get down the field, but they eventually put a stop to most drives and force a punt, field goal, or turnover. Twice this came up today when the Pack forced the Eagles to kick field goals after they looked hot. What happened? Akers missed them. This adds to my ever growing confidence in that defense. We are at a point where I am actually excited to have them go out there. I anticipate big plays being made. Matthews is almost always in the mix. Raji could bust through that line at any moment. Woodson is always within reason of getting a defensive touchdown. The Packers defense makes as many plays as the offense these days. This is something Green Bay hasn’t had since the mid 90s. A defense like this is built for a championship run.

Aaron Rodgers played as good as he could have given the play calls and dropped passes. The running game found a spark with James Starks. They ate up a lot of time which was beneficial because that meant Vick wasn’t out there chucking the ball downfield to DeSean Jackson. The most important accomplishment by the offense was that they didn’t make any huge mistakes. They didn’t force anything that wasn’t there. That was something that happened from time to time during the regular season. Tonight they went with what was given to them. It happened to be the running game for the most part. They also made sure to get the ball to whoever was open. Rodgers did more checking down than usual. The ball was spread out and everyone had a chance. That’s how Tom Crabtree scored that touchdown in the first half. He was the best option and Rodgers got him the ball.

Rodgers will benefit from being in the dome next week. He can electrify the air by throwing it everywhere. The last time he was in Atlanta he completed a career defining 90 yard drive with a Jordy Nelson bullet touchdown pass on 4^th down. It was the most clutch he has ever been. The Packers would have won that game if it wasn’t for poor special teams play and a shit brained facemask penalty. I expect Rodge to pick up where he left off. Now only if the defense can stop Tony Gonzalez.

Speaking of the defense let me make one last point before I call it a night. Tramon Williams. He is the defensive player of the year for this team. He might not be the flashy choice like Clay Matthews or Chuck Woodson, but he deserves the credit. Tramon was snubbed from the Pro Bowl. He had a better year than Woodson did. The reason many people didn’t notice was because we didn’t hear his name mentioned a lot. Williams didn’t get burned as much as Woodson did this year. There may have been other guys in the NFL with more interceptions, but that isn’t any indication of Williams’ effectiveness. It is hard to get interceptions when they aren’t throwing the ball your way because you have their guy covered. With Tramon being that damn awesome, it allows Woodson to roam around every once in a while. That usually leads to good things. For that, Tramon Williams, you are my pick for Packers’ defensive MVP.

The most stressful thing ever....

2010-11-21T22:34:00.001-08:00

Life is full of stressful situations. The kind of shit that makes you tense up, breath faster, and sweat like a hog. The worst of the worst has your heart racing like a runaway train. Your mind wants to focus, but you can’t. Suddenly, your limbs seem to get heavier. When it is real bad, you feel as if you are moving in slow motion. Regardless of how things are going, you seem to feel like all hope is lost. You’d like more than nothing to just relax.

I’ve been in all sorts of these situations. Job interviews or funerals are one type that just wreak havoc on the nerves. I’ve sat through long dental procedures and felt as claustrophobic as one can get. I’ve laughed off an emergency appendectomy because for some reason it really didn’t have me worried when I was told they were going to open me up. There are the work related moments where I’ve been worried about a layoff or just spent the better part of my day being verbally accosted by complete strangers. All that is enough to induce a panic attack. However, I am here to tell you that those scenarios were a cake walk compared to the one activity I deem the most stressful I have ever encountered.

What in the world could I be talking about? There can’t be anything more stressful than a funeral, can there? What fantastic activity could make Nick Wallander so stressed that he wants to blog about it? I’ll tell you what that activity is. It’s BINGO. Yep. The card and number based game of chance. The one we all played back in grade school for one. The same BINGO that millions of elderly ladies play every single night. BINGO, my friends, is enough to give someone a coronary.

Yes, I am serious. The game of BINGO is nothing but a haven for anxiety and stress. Now, I am not talking about BINGO in a church basement. I am sure that shit has its share of stress, but it is nothing compared to official BINGO sessions at a major casino. Have you ever been to one? If so, you know exactly what I am talking about. You could walk into a BINGO hall and cut the tension with a knife. Seriously, you may be able to cut through the air with a knife because I have never seen such a cloud of smoke from cigarettes.

The main reason BINGO is so stressful is because there are hundreds of people and generally there is only one winner. Many of these people have anywhere from $15 to $200+ dollars on the line. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being put into any situation where my odds of being the winner are slim to none. Hell, I know that the odds are astronomical, but I still play. Now imagine how stressful it is for someone who truly believes they will win every game they play.

Making it even more stressful is that people take BINGO way too seriously. You’ll see all the regulars there with their little leather carrying cases for the paint dobbers. Yep, there is a commercial market for dobber carrying cases. These are the same people who line up trolls and buy several packs of BINGO cards while simultaneously playing some games on an electronic system. BINGO is a big event for these people. They take it more seriously than their jobs. That is probably because it is the job of many of these people. I wager that a large sum of money from unemployment checks go towards BINGO admission.

Now, I don’t know if BINGO is as stressful for the regular attendees as it is for me. Perhaps they are used to the suspense and drama of it all. What I do know is that they are some mean bitches out there. They will look at you with a stink eye if you so much as even think about breaking some time honored unwritten BINGO rule. (I am not sure what these rules are, but am certain that they exist). These people will scold you just for whispering across the table to your friend. Nobody talks during these games. It is quieter than a courtroom or a funeral in there. That only makes things worse because any slight noise gets people nervous that someone is squirming to yell “BINGO”.

I honestly believe that I could be murdered at a BINGO hall. The people there would turn on me in an instant. That fear for safety gets the heart pumping with adrenaline. They are an eclectic breed of humanity. Most of them mutter under their breath between every number. Some line up their dobbers to be used in a specific order. Others will not blink for two hours and still manage to mark their cards. They are so focused on the game that a parade of midgets could pass by them and they wouldn’t even notice. However, they would notice if they thought you were about the win.

On Saturday night I felt violated a few times with all the eye fucking that was being done by complete strangers. Some of it was done because the crew and I were way too young to be at BINGO. The older folks don’t want us there because they feel we are quicker on the draw with calling BINGO. They are probably right, but it is no reason to hate. Then there are the white trash people who are there because they actually need the money. Probably for booze, cigarettes, and to finish the tattoos of their abusive father’s name.

There was a nice white trash young woman, in her early 20s sitting on our table on Saturday night. She was equipped with her own dobber case and a pack of cigarettes. She had a raspy voice from all the smoking she had been doing as well as several bombastic tattoos on her arm. She wouldn’t have caught my attention except for her “tourette’s” fits when numbers were called. There was that and the fact that she was noticeably pregnant. Probably six or seven months along. On top of the smoking, she was also guzzling down a bunch of caffeinated beverages. But hey, who am I to judge? This girl just wanted to buy nice things for her baby. Or new Pumas for her baby daddy.

I was afraid of this girl. It was apparent that she may have once stabbed a person just because they asked her for the time. We built up the courage to borrow her pen. Then she gave us firm and commanding instructions about the third game, which we did not ask about. With every number called, I was already nervous, but it was five times worse because I felt like this pregnant bitch was going to lunge over the table at me.

We played about twelve games of BINGO on Saturday night. Every single one of them was the most stressful experience of my life. Each number called had my heart racing. I probably could have died at any moment.

And yes, I loved every moment of it.

Pull up your pants, zombies are coming... and not in that way. That's gross you even thought of it like that!

2010-11-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the wonder of television I was recently able to ponder one of the important questions in like. “Just what the hell am I going to do if there is a zombie apocalypse?” This is an important issue as far as I am concerned. A man needs a plan. There are so many variables to think about. And let’s be honest, folks. It sure is a bit fun and amusing to think about such a crazy concept.

First and foremost, I think that all the previous depictions of zombie outbreaks over exaggerate the population of zombies. Why would I believe such a thing? Well, the movies go and assume that the zombies will bite people who then turn into zombies who then turn more people into zombies. What they always fail to realize is that those mother fuckers are hungry. Zombies aren’t going to just stop after one bite and then move on to the next victim. They are going to keep on chewing on their latest catch. So, while they are pouncing on their fresh meat, some people will be able to get away. My point is that their goal isn’t to bite and infect everything in sight. They want to eat everything in sight. Therefore, their numbers aren’t going to be as massive as one might expect.

Yes, I am saying that I don’t think it will be that bad. However, I am not saying that the zombie apocalypse would be easy. One is going to have to be so fucking careful. It doesn’t need to be said how easy one could put themselves in danger. I’ve thought long and hard about all the things I would do to survive. It is hard to figure out where I would begin to start.

First of all, there is no way I am traveling in a large group of people. That would be like driving a bacon truck through a fat camp. They’d smell us a mile away. Small groups are quieter. They are harder to see. Bigger groups are just that much more of a liability. However, at the same time, I would not want to be alone during all of the madness. One shouldn’t be going anywhere without someone having their back.

Having other people around will be great for one particular reason: rest. I couldn’t help but assume that it would be nearly impossible to get any sleep on my own. Not only is it not very safe, but the anxiety alone might just kill me. Who wants to worry about being devoured while they sleep? Having at least one other person means that you can sleep in shifts. Someone can keep guard.

Another key detail I have sorted out is merely a matter of preparation. I already know who I am getting on the phone with as soon as shit goes down. That is, of course, if I am in Green Bay at the time of the outbreak. I know someone who will have an arsenal to defend us against the zombies. I sure as hell don’t have a damn thing that will do me any good. You might think I would at least have a baseball bat, but nope. All I have is this short and thick stick that I keep on hand in the event of a bear attack (another story in itself). Someone with a few guns will come in handy.

Now many people are immediately going to hop in their car to get out of dodge. Bad idea. Traffic will congest and once things get ugly, there will be road blocks eventually. The best method of travel may be a motorcycle or ATV. Better gas mileage and they can maneuver in smaller spaces. An ATV would be able to go off road in a hurry. The zombie won’t be able to keep up.

A misconception about zombie survival is that you must get in a head shot to stop a zombie. Granted, they work, they aren’t the only way to keep a zombie from attacking you. A gun only has so many bullets, so the average survivalist would need another way to slow zombies down. A good old fashioned crow bar or baseball bat could do the trick. Zombies with broken limbs can’t really come at you or even crawl at you. A shot to the knee with a bat is effective. Otherwise loan sharks would use something else. So, along with my guns I would keep a durable aluminum baseball bat. It would also come in hand if any apocalyptic disputes would need to be settled in a sandlot.

An error that I see in most zombie movies is that people tend to flock to stores and malls when they need supplies. That is an utterly stupid idea. It has been established that zombies aren’t entirely stupid. Somehow they can recall the gathering places for living people. That is why they ransacked that mall in Dawn of the Dead. They just know that people will be there. If not there, then a grocery store. Sure those places have plenty of food for you, but it would be the riskiest meal you ever found. I wouldn’t want to risk there being any zombie puke all over my Hot Pockets. If I were to go to a store it would be in a small town. Everyone knows zombie zero in on the big cities.

So, where would I get my supplies? I would just steal them from empty houses. It would be much easier to verify that a random house is secure and safe. Jump in, check the cabinets, and get out of dodge. Clothing and weapons would be readily available as well. Hell, they would probably even be places to sleep at that point. Zombies don’t hang out in houses because there are stairs and a lot of doors. Much more complicated than a mall or public place. They would also wander right by you without seeing a damn thing. I’d sure as fuck barricade myself in though.

There is a lot more I could ramble on about, but I won’t. Many of you probably need to get back to work or maybe you just need to finish masturbating. I don’t care either way. You read this much, so you are okay with me. Actually, I do care a bit if you were masturbating while reading a blog about the zombie apocalypse. That means you are kind of a sick fuck. Unless of course you can justify by saying that you are getting in all the masturbation you can now because when the zombies attack there won’t be time for that shit. In that case, pound away. I understand entirely. Even if you did want to violate yourself after a zombie outbreak, you would be out of luck since the internet would eventually be down. However, that doesn’t mean all communication would be down. All sorts of government agencies have secret telegraphs hidden. Those would still work. Rotary phones would most likely work as well. The only problem is that they would be loud as hell. You’d want to get it on the first ring.

I think my point in all this nonsense was to be a little optimistic for a change. Life could be so much worse than it is right now. Most of the world could be dead and/or the walking dead. I could be holed up in a farmhouse somewhere in Pennsylvania. The power grid could be destroyed. There could be a world without baristas to bring me my pumpkin spice latte! Basically, as bad as it is now, there could always be zombies to fuck it up even more. And hell, even if there were zombies, there would be a silver lining. At least I wouldn’t have to go to work, right?

The Walking Dead is actually very much alive in my eyes....

2010-11-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve had a lot of things I have wanted to gush about on this blog. In true form, these things don’t have much to do with my own personal adventures and experiences. Those haven’t been worth noting unless you find working 12 hour days to be sexy. You, don’t , do you? Because if you do, maybe we can meet up later. Catch some dinner at Taco Burrito Mexico and maybe a budget movie after that? Hell, we could even be real romantic and bump uglies behind a dumpster. So, yeah, if that kind of thing tweaks your hormones, well, tweet me or some shit like that.

Anywho, I want to touch base on something that impressed the utter shit out of me this weekend. Not often does a premiere of a television show give me a geek boner. I can only recall LOST and maybe Dollhouse doing that for me. This past Sunday I was blown away by the premiere of The Walking Dead.

How come it has taken this long for a zombie themed show to come to television? Seriously? It is a definitely workable idea. They have made shows out of less, haven’t they? Like Cavemen for example. If a Geico commercial can become a show, then zombies should have been a television show years ago. Perhaps the difficulty in developing such a show revolves around the fact that it couldn’t be done without being too graphic. In recent years, basic cable has developed into a medium where networks can be more bold and risqué. Networks like FX and Comedy Central have been dropping a few more swear words for years now. Then AMC came along and decided that they could one up everyone with edgy and brilliant television. Mad Men blows my mind with every new episode and their willingness to go just about anywhere with the story. I should not have been surprised by what AMC did with The Walking Dead.

I advise you to get your ass on Hulu right now to start watching it. There is no point in avoiding it. You’ll be hearing about it for awhile. You will be impressed by how the standard run of the mill zombie apocalypse could be so interesting. I could go into details about the characters and plot, but that would just take away from the fun that will come from utter surprise. I probably should hit on what I loved about the show though.

First of all, the show is brilliantly shot. The cinematography is unparalleled for a television show. The only ones I can recall being comparable are Mad Men and Lost. It looks as good as any movie you will see this year. It was shot with precision and love. The camera work makes every scene that much better.

The opening scene is just crazy awesome. It is unlike any opening scene to a television show ever. Hell, I don’t think any show has ever started off being that graphic. It is creepy beyond belief and will suck you right in as it intended. It would ruin it to tell you anymore. Watch the first few minutes. You’ll then keep watching.

They don’t waste any time explaining the zombie mythology in The Walking Dead. They know that we’ve all seen and heard the same shit over the years about zombies. Most of it applies here and gets referenced in a way that isn’t preaching it to us as if we aren’t ignorant. The audience is treated with respect and dignity. The writers assumed we all were able to think critically. This is apparently when we realize that the characters are not goofy caricatures and are in fact more complex than the solution to a zombie apocalypse.

Speaking of that, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of worry about curing the zombies or any of that typical save the world nonsense. The people in this story are fighting for their lives every single day. They don’t have time to worry about some scientific crap. I imagine that the show portrays how it would be if shit were ever to go down in real life. We wouldn’t have brainy nerds everywhere that could solve the problem by mixing some serums. I love that the fate of the world has generally been accepted in The Walking Dead. Now it’s a matter of survival. That is good television right there.

Finally, there was one scene nearly the last third of the episode that will tug at your heart a bit. I never envisioned that a scene in a zombie show could be so poetic and meaningful. This is when it struck me that this is a zombie franchise that is actually going to try. That’s the problem with the horror genre. Nobody really tries these days. It is all about the quick buck. The Walking Dead actually cares about the story it tells. It is apparent to me that the zombie story is just the backdrop for real human drama. To me, that is just plain awesome.

There you have it. My relentless endorsement of The Walking Dead. I will be watching it every week until it finishes next month. I am happy to say that it didn’t take long for something to fill the void left by Lost.

The "normal" is just as important as the "para" part....

2010-11-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

If you didn’t see Paranormal Activity yet, you probably should be reading another blog right now. If you didn’t like Paranormal Activity, well, then you also probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. I write this for people who enjoy creative movies with legitimate scares that make you think twice about that sound coming from the other room. Okay, I think we cleared out all of the riff raff. Ten points goes to the reader who predicted that I would use the term “riff raff”. Twenty additional points to those who guessed that I wasn’t wearing pants when I wrote those.

Relax, you perverts. I am wearing shorts. Get your minds out of the gutter. I need you to focus for a minute. Take a deep breath. Compose yourself. Don’t get rattled.

You’ll probably need to compose yourself a few times during the viewing of Paranormal Activity 2. There are some scenes that will literally surprise you. What worked in the first movie works in the sequel, but is amped up a bit. I use the term sequel loosely since the movie does take place a couple months before the first film. It also features the sister of Katie from the first film and her family. Needless to say, the entity from the first film starts its reign of terror on this unsuspecting family before it moves on the amply chested Katie (Katie Featherston) and her live-in instigating boyfriend, Micah (Micah Sloat). The overall plot here isn’t worth ruining in a simple review. Just trust me that some scary shit escalates for the family in question. The cool part is how it all ties into the first. That big reveal will make you go back and watch the first movie.

What works with Paranormal Activity 2? Most importantly, they make the family in question seem like your everyday cookie cutter people. There is nothing too spectacular about them. Nothing to love about them. Nothing to hate about them. You don’t wish harm upon them like you would have with Micah in the first film. These people could be your family or the people living next door. This added with the simplicity of the effects makes the movie hit home a little harder when the scary shit goes down.

All of the scares in Paranormal Activity 2 are what I would call legit scares. There are no bits where a cat jumps out at a tense moment. Instead, strange shit happens in the intense moments. Nothing comes cheap. That is a relief for a horror movie. In addition to the scares is the mere fact that there is a thick aura of suspense. You are waiting the whole time to see what the paranormal entity is capable of and as to what its endgame is. At any moment it could erupt into chaos. That is the coolest thing about the Paranormal Activity franchise. The creepy feeling the movies give you is well earned.

I became especially fond of what I call the use of “redundancy shots”. These are scenes in the movie often used to get us familiar with the setting and/or the characters living in the house. You might assume they are a glimpse into the everyday life of the film’s family. Technically, that is what they do. However, they also set up the scares for later. You become almost too familiar and comfortable with the surroundings, just as the family does. Then…. BAM! You just pissed yourself.

Who doesn’t like being legitimately scared by a movie? I highly recommend that you see Paranormal Activity 2 in an attempt to get the blood flowing. It’ll work just as effectively as internet porn, only you won’ t need to clean up.

McDreamy Could Never Take a Chair Shot..

2010-10-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of professional wrestling.

There. I said it. Publicly. Over the interwebs. It isn’t exactly a secret if you know me or you follow this blog. I have been a fan since the mid 80s when I was just a wee little Licious in my hometown of Valders, Wisconsin. The old school WWF was part of my childhood and teenage years. It has been with me ever since and probably won’t ever go anywhere.

Now I know there is a negative connotation associated with pro wrestling. “It’s fake!” will be the first thing the ignorant people will blurt out when they just want to seem like they are better than you. Okay. You aren’t wrong. However, if you are going to point out that it is fake, I will just point out the fact that professional wrestling is entertainment. You know what else is fake and entertainment? That Grey’s Anatomy that you’ve been watching. So is Glee. Law and Order? That is fake and entertainment as well. That stage play or ballet you just saw? That ain’t real either. Neither are the breasts on that stripper you are fawn at every Wednesday at amateur night.

The doubters then always like to throw out that wrestling is trying to make you think that it is real. Hmmm. Not really. They call themselves “sports entertainment” for a reason. Then again, when you are telling me how great this week’s episode of Community was, I don’t say “why do they try to make you think that stuff really happens at a community college?” People accept it for what it is, a television show portraying a fictional story. That is what pro wrestling is. It is a fictional story with a live performance. So, some of you need to stop insulting the intelligence of wrestling fans you associate with. They know it isn’t real just like you know that a doctor couldn’t get away with all the shit that House does on a weekly basis.

Last night I exercised my right to enjoy professional wrestling when WWE Monday Night RAW came to Green Bay. I was able to snag a front row seat for the best view of a live show I ever had for anything. It was going to be kick ass regardless, but being in the front row made it all the better. I got some killer pictures which you may have seen on my facebook page. It blows my mind when I go back and look at them.

The pictures were a fantastic aspect of the experience, but another unique part of the pro wrestling experience is the potpourri of people that attend such events. Seriously, it’s like a grab bag of personalities. You will have the lifelong fans like me there. Most of us are level headed and keep quiet. Then you have the parents with their young kids. They make up most of the audience. The third main group of people are the ones who somehow got free tickets and don’t know what the hell they got themselves into. Then there are the people who actually do think it is real. They are the 40 year old mean/woman wearing wrestling shirts from 1996 and booing for all the bad guys and shameless pandering to the good guys, even if they are a little toolish. Many of these guys still live with their mothers. They also are the ones who may one day jump the security railing to attack a wrestler. It is crazy, but you’d understand if you saw how rabid they can get.

The most colorful of the pro wrestling fans are the ones I call “white trash” because there isn’t a better term to describe it. Wrestling fans are on all ends of the socio-economical spectrum, but a good portion of them aren’t swimming in money. They money they do have, they spend on Old Milwaukee when they should throw a few bucks toward the dental care for their four teeth. They bring their bratty kids with them and then proceed to teach them how to be classless. Want to hear a hateful slur? These people will call the flamboyant stars the F word. It is a walking freak show when they get riled up and into the show. I am not sure if it is because of their general ugliness or because their shirts are one size too small. A woman behind me fit this category. She claimed to have driven two and a half hours just so she could make sexual advances towards John Morrison. Her 80s hair and halter top may have given her a chance at a small independent show, but she wasn’t going to impress anyone on the current WWE roster. I assume she did, however, manage to impress a truck driver on the way home. Needless to say, this woman was just a minor portion of a large scale spectacle.

All in all, WWE RAW was a hell of a time. I got to see one of my favorite entertainment acts, get on national television, and people watch. What more could I ask for? (Besides a Nexus shirt. Damn them for not having any in my size!)

Speaking of my signs, did anyone see them? Here is what they read:

BRETT TEXTED ME

CENA NEEDS AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

SHEAMUS > JARMOS

@wall2k4 is AWESOME

That last one got me some tweets and new followers. I am not sure if that is creepy or just AWESOME!!!!

I’ll let you decide.

Don't Ever Look Back.... well, except this one time :)

2010-10-06T21:57:00.001-07:00

Seven years. That is how long it had been since I had stepped foot in Valders, WI. It is a typical Wisconsin village with a population of 948 people. There is nothing special about it unless a shit ton of limestone gets you excited. That might be the case for geologists and chalk companies, but not for anyone who grew up there. So, in summation, Valders is a dinky little hole.

Seriously, I didn’t ever realize just how empty Valders is. Now that I have three years in Green Bay and seven in Whitewater under my belt, I can see just how bored I would be if I lived there. This is especially alarming since I have often said that both Green Bay and Whitewater didn’t have much to offer as well. It literally takes like 40 seconds to drive through town. However, you do have to go 25 or the one cop in town will pull your ass over because he has nothing better to do. Then again, if real crimes happened, he wouldn’t know how to deal with them. Writing speeding tickets is easy.

The local Piggly Wiggly in Valders turns out to be a lot smaller than I remember it being. I must have become spoiled with the Super Wal-Marts and Woodman’s that I have had in my life since I went to college. When I was a kid, the place seemed so damn big to me. Hell, the entire town seemed big. It is literally a 5-10 minute walk to anywhere you want to get. The real laughable point about the grocery store is that it closes at 8 pm every night. Holy crap! I could not live in Valders at this point in my life. I really appreciate the luxury of being able to get things when I want to. The problem is that the gas stations aren’t even open past 11 pm. There is just nothing there. Now I know why most of the people at the reunion were living in other parts of the state.

On a side note, I am currently viewing the climactic ending of a SyFy Channel movie called Swamp Devil. It is utterly exhilarating. There is this giant man shaped creature made of plants chasing after some women played by actresses who aren’t good enough to be in real movies, but also not willing to run the train in the porno industry. Everything I just told you makes it clear that this is not exactly “The Exorcist” that I am watching. I am not exactly sure why I expect it to make any sense or to follow any code of logic, but I just found myself criticizing it as if I was let down. All I understood of it is that for some reason this Swamp Devil couldn’t cross the county line. In the 20 minutes I watched, they didn’t explain why this was. There is a good chance that such a movie never bothered to explain it in the first place. So, what is with the county line? Was Swamp Devil released on bond before his day in court? Is he wearing an ankle bracelet and is on house arrest? Is there a restraining order? Maybe a mystical curse doesn’t allow it? Spoiler alert! The monster jobs on a truck to attack a woman, but dies when it crosses the county line. There. Now you saved two hours.

To get back on track, let me simplify this weekend’s events into one statement. It was a relief. There was a moment of enlightenment when I realized that we all were in the same boat. Now, some people may have met their goals in life, but nobody from my class was living it large with a private jet with super models hanging from both arms. Many of us were grinding out 40 hours a week in cubicles. Others are busting their ass in a classroom. Some are still furthering their education. The thing we all seemed to have in common is that we are working hard for what we got. Nobody suddenly fell into some money or found a career that has them immediately set for life. The post college landscape was the same for all of us. It was a relief to know that I was not alone. However, I may be only one of two or three people to still own a Jon Waack Fan Club shirt. Maybe I should get those reprinted and sell them on Ebay.

Next time I should go with the Jeffrey Dahmer hairdo when I have an audition

2010-09-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday night I went out and auditioned for a local improve group called Comedy City De Pere. I prepared myself for several weeks by watching people do improve, by reading books about the subject matter, and by just being myself. On Wednesday afternoon I got the email telling me of my fate. I didn’t make the cut. And it fucking sucks.

It really fucking sucks. It sucks to epic proportions actually. I was really looking forward to the potential opportunity doing something I really like to do (and think I am good at), making people laugh. Unfortunately, that isn’t happening anytime soon. Just thinking about it since mid day has made my stomach turn with disappointment.

I utterly hate rejection. Then again, that goes without saying. Nobody likes it, do they? Maybe some messed up people. The whole idea of rejection is what stops me from doing a lot of things in life. I don’t openly admit this often, but damn is it a real heavy cloud that hangs over me a lot of the time. Fear of rejection drives me in the wrong direction more often than not. Maybe it is my secret character flaw. I dunno. What I do know is that the past 12 hours have been a slight downer to me. Now I know how Lindsay Lohan feels when her car’s breathalyzer won’t let her turn the key in the ignition.

An additional bummer of it all is that there seemed to be some cool people at that audition. I was looking forward to getting to work with them and know them. It isn’t often I get to meet new people anymore or even get out of the apartment for anything other than work or seeing a matinee on a Saturday afternoon with all the old people. Meeting new people legitimately is much more fulfilling than stalking them over the internet. Then again, stalking does have its own special brand of emotional fulfillment.

I suppose I can try again in April. Will I? Can’t say yet. I’ve been rejected once, so I imagine if it happened the next time around it wouldn’t sting so much. Sheryl Crow was right when she said the first cut is the deepest. However, a second cut could make the bleeding worse. Let’s not blame Ms. Crow here. She never did claim to be a medical professional. She is right that you kind of need to just get over shit and move on. I can do that. Eventually. At some point I will have to find the hole in my game plan and patch it up before April. All I can do is regroup and refocus. And remember the bribe money next time.

Making this all a little more depressing is that I am still trying to comprehend that horrific display by the Packers on Monday night. 18 penalties makes them qualified to play in the prison league (or Oakland). That was some crazy fucking shit, wasn’t it? Now, I can’t say that the Packers played worse than the Bears though. The Bears should be worried. They had a team giving up 160 penalty yards and dropping interceptions, but they still managed to barely squeek by. If they played even remotely well, they should have won by 20. The good news for the Packers is that even when they play like absolute shit, they keep it close.

Jermichael Finley was a bad ass mother fucker out there again. He will be going to Hawaii at the end of the season. However, I am sure he’d rather be in Arlington. How pissed off would the Cowboys fans be to see the Packers play the Super Bowl in their stadium? Maybe not as pissed off as they would be for an NFC East team, but I imagine that they would be pissed none the less. I think that an opposing player needs to celebrate a touchdown by running to the blue star somewhere on the field and then crouch down as if they were taking a dump. It is too bad that Najeh Davenport isn’t around anymore to do that.

Have any of you seen “The Town” yet? You probably should. If you don’t, you are probably just a goon without any taste for good movies. You probably shouldn’t be allowed to see movies in the theater. You should stick to renting them seven months later from the off brand Redbox machine in the front of Woodman’s grocery stores. However, you don’t deserve to see it without complications. The disc probably needs to be scratched too, so you can think about your bad taste in movies.

Now that the tangent is completed, let me say that I think that Ben Affleck guy sure knows how to direct a crime drama set in Boston. You’ll also be impressed by Jeremy Renner’s ability to play loose cannons. Only he could play a scene where his character shows his face to a man he shot just to let the man know he saw his face as well and do so in a way that makes the audience smile. Personally, I was most impressed with my hetero man crush, Jon Hamm. He plays an FBI agent with near ruthless tactics for getting the job done. He completely separates himself from his role of Don Draper on “Mad Men”. He didn’t need to distance himself that much because it might have been bad ass if he stuck it to someone’s secretary after having a mid day old fashioned at the office. Then again, if we ask for too much we end up disappointed with the movie.

My quick hits for the week:

· The Halloween costume is set. I can’t reveal it quite yet, but it will involve some tanning. Not to give anything away, but how tan does a person need to be to have the same skin complexion as Ron Jeremy?

· The Healthcare reform law went into effect last Thursday. I support the cause, but I don’t support all the dumb questions people are going to ask about it.

· Is it wrong that I want to wander into Festival Foods and buy a cake for myself to eat?

· Does anyone know the safest distance to follow a stranger in your car so that they don’t know they are being followed?

· There is a possible hole in my exhaust. Now my car is more annoying than a Bears fan yelling pleasant things to Nick Collins.

· The Dexter season premiere didn’t do much for me, with the exception of the flashbacks. Those were brilliantly done. It baffled me how Dexter could suddenly be so stupid. There was some sloppy writing.

· Fox 11 news is doing a pumpkin carving photo contest. I am so tempted to enter one of my creations. I am open to take suggestions for this year’s design.

· Everything ever grilled is 500% better if it is served on a pretzel roll. I dare you to prove otherwise.

· I participated in a flash mob tonight. A unnamed friend of mind thought I called it a flash drive. Nope. Those don’t get people to stare at you.

· Kwik Trip has surprisingly delicious pizza slices on sale for $1 each on Wednesdays.

· The rumors of me attending a Zumba class are still false. Unless you heard that I had mad dance moves or something. Then that was me.

10 years and lots of time to get apprehensive about it......

2010-09-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in a year, right? Even more happens in five years. Double that and seemingly a lifetime has passed. The entire world has changed before our eyes. Ten years is a long time and in the next five or so days, that number of years will be on my mind.

Did you know that gas was only $1.56 a gallon back in the year 2000? If that isn’t mind boggling enough for you, take into consideration that nobody had ever heard of an iPod back in September of 2000. Anybody who would have uttered that word would have been looked at like they were some nut house escapee preaching about aliens. The name Osama Bin Laden meant nothing to nobody and typing the name in your blog wouldn’t have been remotely cool because people didn’t do that then (also, the government wouldn’t have had this paragraph flagged for review in 2000. But hey, I can use the extra page hits).

You can see my point by now. The world has been turned upside down. We could go on and on and blow your mind further, but that will only make most of you feel old. It went by like a blur and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. In the words of LOST’s Daniel Faraday: What happened, happened. There is no time machine or quick fix in place to put life in its ideal situation. I am where I am at for a reason (which is totally unknown to me). There is no need to dwell on the past and what I should have or could have done. However, this whole ten year high school reunion thing going on this weekend really wants to make me look back that far.

Valders High School. Those words mean absolute jack and/or shit to the most of you reading this since I am certain that my readership is heavily made up of people who I met after I left that one horse town (and surprisingly a lot of Canadians if the stats from Blogspot are correct. There are even a few hits from Lithuania). If you hadn’t ever heard of Valders, Wisconsin I suggest that you Google the crap out of it. It should take you about ten minutes of reading before you are all caught up. There are a lot of dairy farms and the biggest company makes concrete structural pieces for buildings. Nobody famous has ever come out of Valders. Mark Tauscher once visited the school for some contest a kid one. Apparently my little brother got involved in some smack talk with him, but that has never been corroborated. But hey, that is Valders in a nut shell. Outside of all that, the school is the only significant thing in that town.

I do not believe that I have stepped foot in that town in the better part of 7 plus years since the family moved out. It has been over eight years since I stepped into the school. That is kind of perplexing to me since my mother works there and I did put a lot of time into it back when I was still in school. I was voted the biggest Viking fan by my class senior year and was a fixture at most of the home sporting events. I led obnoxious chants and cheers that were often met with glares by the teachers and adults that were present. In four years, I missed one pep band performance. My curricular attendance would have been perfect except my appendix had different ideas.

In so many words, I fucking loved that place. There is no reason to deny it. I bled red. (insert your “no shit, everyone bleeds red you self righteous prick” comment right here) I was a regular poster boy for school spirit and might as well have hung around and became a contributing force to the school booster clubs and shit like that. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans for me. It was called college. Once I got to the ole UW-Whitewater, I learned that most of the world didn’t give a shit how loud I belted out “Go Team Go” on my trumpet or how witty the insults were when I mocked the last names of the opposing team when they were being introduced. In the grand scheme of destiny’s plan, high school got left in the dust.

I once climbed to the top of this monster.

I don’t regret it. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was go to school two and a half hours away from home. I got out of town and basically did not look back. There was a road in front of me that wouldn’t have been there had I peeked, even for an instant, in the rear view mirror. There were probably a lot of bad decisions I made during college and after it, but getting out of Valders was not one of them. I am not trying to sound insulting when I say that there isn’t a person I really miss (with the exception of a couple family members still in town). That’s one of the reasons I am waffling on my decision to go to this class reunion.

Maybe it makes me a dick for having no inkling of interest in seeing any particular person from high school. Maybe it just makes me a person who has just had some much happen in the past ten years that he no longer puts much thought into people he used to know. You’ve all already made a judgment. It’s okay. You are allowed to. If you hadn’t made one, then you hadn’t really been paying any attention. I am fully aware that typing all this could make look like a total asshole. I’m not one, though. I just speak these things that other people think, but just don’t say.

The conflicting thought here is that there are plenty of people that I damn respect and admire that are going to be there. I keep in reasonable facebook related contact with a handful of peeps. It is never like we have full on chats or letter exchanges, but we throw around the occasional comments. So, there is the potential that my apathy for a reunion could offend some people who are excited about the idea.

The psycho-analysts out there are going to assume that there is more to this. They’ll say that Nick Wallander is throwing out all kinds of defense mechanisms that will eventually justify his decision regarding the class reunion. They’re right. There is plenty of stuff going on in the back of my mind. Like anyone with their right mind, I have my apprehensions. There are many things that could cause for awkward moments and they really don’t help the case attending the damn thing. Since we like to mock what is in my head, let’s go over them!

· What in the hell am I going to say when people ask me what I am up to these days? Should I say “oh, not much. Just slumming it in a shit hole apartment and working in a customer service center in the most hated industry in America”. There are going to be people who have real jobs with offices and assistants and they get to fire people and play golf during the day.

· Does anyone want to state the over and under of times people find creative ways to tell me that I’ve gained weight?

· People are going to call me Wally. There is no way around it. I hate that. It isn’t remotely creative. I bet I would hear it about twelve times before I told someone to go fuck themselves.

· There will be next to nothing to talk about with most people. That means I would rotate through the same standard topics a few dozen times. Boring!

· There will be at least someone who only lives in the past and somehow can recall all the stupid shit everyone did. I loathe the fact that I might hear someone utter “Remember the time that you…” I will be embarrassed for that person.

· I’ll also be embarrassed for whatever it is that they remember me doing.

· I don’t think people will get my sense of humor that has evolved over the years. For example, someone might ask me if I am married/engaged/seeing someone. I don’t really want to answer that, so my knee jerk response would be my dark and twisted humor. I would probably tell them that there was, but I chopped her up, put her in garbage bags, and then dropped her into Lake Michigan. As funny as it is, it would be totally offensive.

· A handful of people will say that they are sorry to see that my father died last month. The thing is, I am not. He was an asshole and the universe gave him what was coming to him. This one ties into the last point since I will mostly likely tell people that I am not sorry and that he was a total prick.

· There will not be any surprises in store for me. If life were like a movie, I’d have a former classmate introduce me to her ten year old son who is also named Nick and I would be like “Oh, that’s a cool name. How’d you come up with it?” but wouldn’t connect the dots in my head. This thing will be totally predictable.

· I don’t drink, so there will be nothing to take the edge off.

· Adding to that last one, the bulk of it takes place in a bar.

· I am sure there is something I did to someone that I don’t remember, but lacked any maturity. Who wouldn’t want that to come up?

· Despite what people will make you think, they aren’t interested in who you have become. Most are stuck on who you were when you were just a kid.

· I’ll admit it. I am one of the aforementioned people.

· What happens if I run into someone I know has de-friended me on facebook at some point? Can I de-friend them from the reunion?

· Valders is a speed trap and I would rather not get my first speeding ticket there.

· Nobody there will understand all of the funny pop culture references I make.

· Someone is going to say “Nick Wallander! You haven’t changed a bit!”

· Correction, they will refer to me as “Nick W.”

· When someone’s significant other says that they’ve heard about me, my mind will go into overdrive speculating what it might have been about.

I suppose that was more than a few things. Clearly I am apprehensive about it. I act like it’s behind me and I don’t care, but that’s not entirely true. Part of me wants to see how it plays out. Truth be told, I am quite content with my life. However, it would be totally awesome if I could see that a few people have it worse than I do. Maybe that is what high school reunions are for. They present an opportunity for all of us to feel better about ourselves……

Then again, I’ll probably be the one people are pointing at and laughing. Meh. If I think it is happening, I’ll just poop in their cars.

Hey Now, you're an all star....or not, so I can't be friends with you.

2010-09-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

While stalking through facebook I noticed one of my friends posted a status regarding a peculiar behavior I had noticed in the past. It is something I could say that I had fallen victim to a couple times over the years. Well, okay, maybe I wasn’t a victim, but it definitely was something I had happen to me previously. I am talking about the strange phenomena of facebook de-friending.

When I refer to the term “de-friending” I am not just meaning the act of removing someone from your friends list. Although that is the simplest definition, it is not the specific act I am referring to. I am more intrigued by those people who randomly purge their friends list of people for mysterious and unexplained reasons. I can totally understand people de-friending over an offline dispute with an individual in their lives (or now out of their lives). That scenario makes sense and has damn good reason behind it. However, the people who just de-friend without a direct cause have some kind of anti-social personality disorder.

Just hear me out. I am not out of my mind. There is something odd about doing that. There are a handful of reasons someone might do that. They aren’t justifiable reasons, but reasons none the less. Then there are probably certain types of people who might be chronic de-frienders. Let’s explore some of this bullshit.

First we need to establish that most of the people we are “friends” with on facebook aren’t significant in our lives. They are acquaintances or people you maybe knew well at one point. Let’s be honest about what facebook is. It is a popularity contest and a way to connect. Ultimately, you don’t become “friends” with anyone you don’t want to. If you ignore a request, the person may never notice or will just forget about you. However, this leads me to the first illogical reason that a person might de-friend you. For whatever reason, they may decide that they just don’t like you. Well, people, that is really ridiculous. And it is the fault of the perpetrator. If they didn’t like you, then they shouldn’t have friended you in the first place. Only a total dumbass comes to the realization one day that they don’t like someone.

Why else might they de-friend you? Perhaps they are annoyed by what you post or don’t like the things you say. Well, that is just foolish, isn’t it? You don’t have to read a damn thing that is posted. If you do, it is because you are secretly interested in what they have to say. Once again, these people knew what they were getting. If they didn’t, well then they shouldn’t have friended you in the first place.

Then there are the random de-friending events that happen because people decide that they need to weed out their friends list. I am not sure why anyone needs to do this. They do though. Apparently there is a need to only have the closest of close people on facebook. That is clearly a bunch of bullshit too. If you want to keep in touch with just your close friends and family, use the phone. Facebook is a social networking site. The point is to have all kinds of random and vast connections. It is the whole idea behind the concept. If you want to restrict your connections, then get set up on an email listing. Weeding out a friends list is basically the douchiest of acts one can do on a social networking site.

Really though, who decides that their friends list needs to be exclusive? Facebook isn’t a popular night club with a dress code. There is no need for the pretentious and self righteous. Anyone who is actively de-friending people who haven’t directly warranted it is probably some sort of prick. Chances are that these assholes just think they are better than you for some reason. Well, that is far from the truth. Only a true loser would sit around contemplating who they are going to de-friend.

I also assume that some people de-friend others as a way to maintain their status. They don’t want Sally So-and-So from high school to see that they were friends with the kid from the chess club. Funny thing is that it is like seven years later and people are usually above such childish antics. Nope. People don’t really chance. They tend to stay as sophomoric as they were as teenagers. It really is fascinating to see people revert to their old ways once technology finds ways to bring together the same groups of people from years past.

Obviously this is something that I noticed happening to me. It is a slight blow to the ego when you see it happen. I like to think I am above that kind of feeling, but truth be told, nobody likes to find out that someone, even a faux friend, doesn’t like them. I get over it soon after, but that initially feeling isn’t fun in the slightest. This realization comes when you notice you haven’t seen someone’s status updates in a while. I might not always pay complete attention to everyone, but I do tend to notice the posting trending on my news feed. Eventually, when something isn’t there anymore, I notice.

The other circumstance where I notice I have been de-friended is when I see a former friend of mine commenting on a current friend’s post. I will click their name not knowing I have been de-friended. Then I see that their information isn’t even available to me and that I can “add them” as a friend. Great. Awesome. I used to like you, dude. However, someone was a fuck stick and had some sort of diva ego moment and considered me social garbage.

Have any of you experienced this? It isn’t a big deal at the end of the day, but it still is a totally ridiculous phenomenon. It really fascinates me how much a friend list and facebook posts affect the lives of people who aren’t even significant to you. That is the real kicker here. People take their time to go ahead and remove you from their friends and they really don’t even know you that well. Seems like a little overkill for someone who isn’t worth it. Get over yourself, assholes.

In conclusion, my advice to you kids is that you shouldn’t worry about it. It is no reflection on you. As it turns out, there are a lot of pretentious yuppies on the web looking to be big shot

By the hammer of Thor, Clay Matthews is fucking awesome!

2010-09-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Clay Matthews may have seemingly been carved out by the Norse Gods of Valhalla. He is a chiseled beast who was sent down to destroy all the mortals in his path. He especially looks the part. He could very well be the brother of Thor, the God of Thunder. They both have long blonde flowing locks and wear helmets with shoulder pads. However, the fundamental difference is that Clay Matthews doesn’t need some mythical hammer to get business done. He just needs a blitz called. Hell, if Thor and Clay Matthews were dropped into a cage, my money would be on Clay. He is a beast.

Now Clay Matthews isn’t any beast. He is more like a genetically enhanced lion that has the tendencies of a piranha. He smells blood and he hones in on the kill. Ask Kevin Kolb about that. Last week he personally auditioned for the sequel to Pirhanna 3D. He might get the part, by the way, because he looked convincing taking an attack. You could also ask Trent Edwards what it feels like to get pounced by a man eating piranha lion. Think about it, folks. Clay totally is some form of lion pouncing on prey in the Serengeti. Just look at that mane of hair for starters. And if he were a lion, his lion name would be Simba because of his lineage. Clay senior would be Mufasa Matthews. Trust me here, Clay is taking his place in the circle of ass kicking.

The Packers looked good today, right? Nobody seems to notice because the news outlets are busy felaciating Mark Sanchez for the one good game he has seemingly ever played. Let’s be honest here, people. The Patriots just played a shitty game here. The defense was lacking and Sanchez just happened to pull his head out of his ass for a few minutes to throw a few pretty passes. Brady really did play shitty. Threw at least two interceptions and fumbled from what I saw. It must have been because his Justin Beiber hair got jostled into his eyes. You’d throw like shit if you couldn’t see clear as well.

My point is that the Packers are playing well. They won the tight game last week by any means necessary. This week they manhandled a team that they were supposed to beat. That is what a good team should be able to accomplish. Now I understand that it is way too early to be purchasing playoff tickets. There are 14 more weeks ahead for the Packers. That is a long time for bad things to happen. However, there is no reason we can’t be optimistic. Losing Ryan Grant shouldn’t be a problem. They have capable guys. McCarthy just needs to learn to trust Brandon Jackson and everything will be alright.

I am calling it right now. Packers versus Texans in the Super Bowl. I want to see Jerry Jones watching the game from his private suite in the Arlington Transformers Dome or whatever it is called. He will have had a lot of time to get over the Cowboys not being there since they will have been eliminated from the playoffs long before then (probably mid November with the way things are going). I apologize for no official NFL predictions blog this year. I was just sick of all the predictions and analysis after all my fantasy drafts. None of you cared what I thought anyway.

Can AJ Hawk get traded already? Seriously. He hasn’t been useful in Green Bay since they stopped having him on the pre-movie commercials at Marcus Theaters. All he was ever good for was telling people to shut up and turn off their phones. What is impressive about that? There are basement dwelling high school kids employed by Marcus that can do the same thing, and for less. The Packers really should push this skill of his when trying to trade him. I am certain that there are noisy people in Buffalo movie theaters. There has to be since there is nothing to hoot and holler about at the football stadium.

Okay, I am done with this one. I can’t write much more when I would rather stay up another hour admiring my Charles Woodson autographed football.

I'd rather be creeped than scared.

2010-09-05T23:11:00.001-07:00

It is my personal belief that there is a distinct difference between the terms “creepy” and “scary”. In fact, you have to break the words down to their root to get what I am talking about. To creep is for something to slowly move, often stealthy, and often building intensity. To scare is to cause a sudden alarm or startled state. In essence, a scare is a momentary feeling, whereas a creeping feeling builds and lurks for a while. Many people interchange or use their words incorrectly when referring to the genre of horror in movies. I hate that. I really hate that. Like with a passion. People should think about what they are saying when they utter, “I’m going to see a scar movie’.

In fact, I don’t even think that there is such a thing as a scary movie. There are scary moments within the movie that may startle the shit out of someone, but the movie as a whole is not scary. There are better adjectives to describe it. So, to simplify my argument, I must say that there are two main types (amongst others) of horror movies. There are movies that are a collection of scares or there are creepy movies. I prefer the creepy movies over the other options. They resonate more and have a lasting effect. In fact, they are often the smarter of the movies in that genre. Creepy movies often are slow burning and build upon the insecurities and fear of the viewer. Some of the real good ones even manages to incorporate a few scare moment as well. In essence, they are a complete movie experience. Rather than momentary fright, you may have an actual emotional response invoked by the story being told. That, to me, is really freaking awesome when it happens.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing movies that are a collection of scares. They have entertainment value as well. However, they aren’t the movies I tell everyone at the office about on a Monday morning. The creepy ones will usually get a stamp of approval by me with a glowing review to go with it. I talk about them because they got in my head and got me thinking. Anyone who knows me knows that I like a good creepin’.

I’ve seen a lot of horror movies in my time. Many of them are outright horrible. Others are decent movies, but very forgettable. The best of the bunch end up leaving me creeped out by what I saw. The best of the bunch leaves me with a handful of films that I consider the most fear inducing of all time. Among them I include The Exorcist, Halloween, The Blair Witch Project, The Strangers, Paranormal Activity, Let The Right One In, and The Others. Each of those movies left me feeling afraid of something for a while and a few of them even gave me some nightmares. You totally know a movie is creepy when your subconscious is bringing shit up while you are sleeping.

This weekend I added another movie to that list when I saw The Last Exorcism. To say that the movie was creepy would be one way of putting it. To say that it rattled my skin and my mind would be a better way of putting it. It works on several different levels. On one level it gives you the scares that so many of you are looking for. On another level it slow burns suspense and fear causing your heart rate to increase as the movie goes on. It will also have your mind going in several different directions. In a nutshell, your body will have a physiological and a psychological reaction to this movie. Perhaps I am biased and have a thing for exorcism movies since I already admitted to liking one such movie and did also enjoy Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist, and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Then again, that doesn’t make me so much biased, but more as vulnerable to a particular fear stimuli. I apparently believe in demons. Who would have guessed?

I am sure you have seen the commercial for The Last Exorcism. You already know that it is about some girl who is possessed by a demon. That really is all the previews tell you of the plot while showing you a few moments that intend to frighten you. The previews do the movie a total disservice and don’t sell you on the rich character development and smart plot. There is a lot more to it than some girl being possessed. In fact, you are probably thinking “of course there is. It is about some priest’s last day on the job”. That is generally the idea, but a very vague and expedited plot description. Let me enlighten you without spoiling what makes the movie better than the average horror flick.

First of all, the previews don’t give away that the movie is shot in the “found footage” format much like Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity. The basis of this footage is a documentary made about Reverend Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian), who is a fast talking preacher who does exorcisms on the side to make a little money for his congregation. He is a man who gives the people what they want to hear and does so effectively because he has a keen ability to keep things interesting. Cotton knows that he has people eating out of the palm of his hands and even demonstrates it by betting the film makers that he could somehow insert a recipe for banana bread into his sermon. In so many words, Reverend Marcus is a show man. In other words, he could be considered a fraud.

You see, the exorcisms Cotton performs are not exactly what they seem. He uses smoke and mirrors to give faithful followers the show they were looking for. People pay him to rid them of demons. He convinces them that they are gone and never hears from them again. All people want is to see results. They change their behavior based on what they see. Are they possessed? Reverend Marcus doesn’t know, doesn’t care, and doesn’t believe they are. It doesn’t matter to him. It just matters to the people he helps. The whole idea of exorcisms is a farce in Cotton’s eyes and that is why he has decided he is going to do one more in order to show the world just that fact.

You are probably asking yourself why he would trick so many people and then just change his mind. That is a good question. Cotton explains himself when referring to the Vatican’s opening of an Exorcism school. The idea of them is growing and that worries him because the process can be dangerous when involving children. He even points to an article where a child had recently died during an exorcism. If he can change the world’s views on the concept, then he could save some people from being hurt. So, there you have an idea of the movie’s flawed protagonist. Reverend Cotton Marcus is well intentioned, even if he does mislead many people in the process.

Cotton’s last job takes him to the Lousiana farm of Louis Sweetzer (Louis Herthum) who wrote the good reverend about his daughter, Nell (Ashley Bell), who he thinks is possessed to the point where she murders livestock during the night. We follow Cotton has he does his fraudulent exorcism and promptly leaves like he always does. The only problem is that this time is different for him. The problems don’t stop and he ends up right back at the Sweetzer house performing a more thorough and seemingly real exorcism.

The Last Exorcism crafts the “possession” of Nell in an intelligent manner. We witness a lot of strange behavior and even experience some scares with it. However, as weird as things are, they could theoretically be explained psychologically. As things go on, a mystery starts to develop as to why Nell is possessed or psychologically disturbed. Regardless of which rationale you believe, you start to see it develop as pieces of the puzzle fall into place. It is legitimately thrilling as the movie moves on and we get closer to a resolution. There is a twist there the end that makes you think you have it all understood. However, you don’t. You’ll be fooled and you’ll love every moment of it. The classic science versus faith idea is presented, but not in an obvious way. As views we don’t know if Nell is really possessed and neither does Cotton. He has a crisis of faith because he may be forced to believe in something he had been faking for many years.

People who won’t see the movie will most likely assume that it is a rehash of every exorcism movie they have ever seen. The beauty of The Last Exorcism is that it doesn’t borrow or mimic the obvious moments from movies like The Exorcist. Sure there are similarities in how the “possessed” Nell behaves, but in general they are presented uniquely. In other words, the possessed behaviors are presented in a realistic manner with minimal, if none at all, special effects. The handheld shooting of the “found footage” enhances the creepy nature of these behaviors. It feels like it could be real.

The realistic feel of the movie helped me get more invested in the characters. You want to see Nell rid herself of her demons, whether they be literal or metaphorical. The interesting thing is that I started to root for Cotton Marcus, even though he is essentially a crooked con man. Patrick Fabian’s performance and the writing of his character show that despite deceiving people, he does legitimately care about them. He does want to help. If he didn’t care the movie would have been a half hour long and he would have counted his money as he drive away. Instead we are treated to a complex character that makes the movie work so much better than most horror films ever will.

I also need to give credit to Ashley Bell for her performance as Nell. She is absolutely polarizing as a innocent god loving teenager one moment and a messenger of Satan the next. I could be convinced that she was actually possessed for a good portion of the movie. Although she is convincing, it never strays into the realm of too obnoxious or absurd. Bell keeps it in check and that sells the creepiness.

Yes, I do suggest this movie. It has the scares for those of you who enjoy slasher films. It is creepy for those of you who don’t mind some messed up dreams. There is also a good psychological thriller mixed in as well. The Last Exorcism may be the best horror movie of 2010. I can’t think of anything else that will compete with it. Hell, I will even go as far to say that it is one of the best character studies you will see this year as well. Is it chopped full of scares? No. Is it a slow burning heart racer? Yeah, that is more like it. Is it a thinking man’s movie? Only if you allow I to be such a movie. I did and it reminded me why I love creepy movies.

Emmy Predictions

2010-08-29T09:17:00.001-07:00

Here are the 2010 Emmy predictions I promised. Who I think will win is in CAPS. Who should with is in bold. Possible upsets are in italics. Commentary may also be included.

Outstanding Comedy Series

"Curb Your Enthusiasm"

"Glee"

“MODERN FAMILY”

"Nurse Jackie"

"The Office"

"30 Rock"

Modern Family was bar none the funniest show on this list of shows. I will argue that the funniest on television isn’t even on this list. “Parks and Recreation” was by far the best comedy on tv this season (DJ Roomba anyone?) Glee is great and all, but it is just in this category because it doesn’t fit into drama.

Outstanding Drama Series

"Breaking Bad"

"Dexter"

"The Good Wife"

"Lost"

"MAD MEN"

"True Blood"

The Emmys often give awards to shows making their final run, which is why Lost could pull off an upset here. Otherwise, Mad Men has it all locked up. Just a solid third season for the AMC show. They balance history, drama, and humor like no other show on TV. The only thing in its way is a very good Lost finale episode, which was the one submitted for the award.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

ALEC BALDWIN for "30 Rock"

Steve Carell for "The Office"

Larry David for "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Matthew Morrison for "Glee"

Jim Parsons for "The Big Bang Theory"

Tony Shalhoub for "Monk"

30 Rock isn’t going to take a shutout tonight. Baldwin is going to walk away with another Emmy. Does he deserve it? Not necessarily, but his competition isn’t that stiff. Jim Parsons is the one guy who even deserves the awards.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Kyle Chandler for "Friday Night Lights" (2006)

Bryan Cranston for "Breaking Bad" (2008)

Matthew Fox for "Lost" (2004)

Michael C. Hall for "Dexter" (2006)

JON HAMM for "Mad Men" (2007)

Hugh Laurie for "House M.D." (2004)

Emmy is gonna be in love with Mad Men tonight. The show is that fucking good. Why is it that good? Because Jon Hamm brings his best stuff week after week as Don Draper, a man whose life is slowly crumbling around him. However, there is long overdue recognition that needs to go to Kyle Chandler for his work on FNL. Every year I hear about how awesome he was, so I think he should get credit where credit it due. Also, it took six seasons for Matthew Fox to even get nominated for an Emmy award. He deserved one for the first season of LOST, but didn’t get it. He submitted the finale episode to represent his work on season six and it was the type of work that brings up tears and gives goose bumps. The final shot of the series alone could be enough to get him the surprise win.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Toni Collette for "United States of Tara" (2009)

Edie Falco for "Nurse Jackie" (2009)

Tina Fey for "30 Rock" (2006)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus for "The New Adventures of Old Christine" (2006)

Lea Michele for "Glee" (2009)

AMY POEHLER for "Parks and Recreation" (2009)

Lea Michele may have won the Golden Globe award in this category, but that was half way through the season. Poehler was better for the year as a whole and was funnier. It is a comedy category so the ability to be funny should be taken into consideration along with acting ability.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Connie Britton for "Friday Night Lights" (2006)

Glenn Close for "Damages" (2007)

Mariska Hargitay for "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (1999)

January Jones for "Mad Men" (2007)

JULIANNA MARGULIES for "The Good Wife" (2009)

Kyra Sedgwick for "The Closer" (2005)

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Ty Burrell for "Modern Family" (2009)

CHRIS COLFER for "Glee" (2009)

Jon Cryer for "Two and a Half Men" (2003)

Jesse Tyler Ferguson for "Modern Family" (2009)

Neil Patrick Harris for "How I Met Your Mother" (2005)

Eric Stonestreet for "Modern Family" (2009)

Wow, how does one show get three people into this category? One has to wonder if the votes could cancel one another out and allow another one of the individuals sneak in and take the gold. In fact, I think that is what is going to happen. However, it isn’t like Chris Colfer doesn’t deserve it. He out acted a lot of people at certain points during Glee’s freshmen run. He also managed to be humorous on top of that. However, if anyone else deserves the award, it would be Eric Stonestreet who played Cam on Modern Family. He is by far the best character on the series. NPH already won an award for Best Guest Star in a comedy series for his one episode appearance on Glee, so he won’t win here. By the way, he shouldn’t have even won that award. The best guest appearance on Glee all season was from Mike O’Malley (yes, the guy from “Guts”)

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Andre Braugher for "Men of a Certain Age" (2009)

Michael Emerson for "Lost" (2004)

Terry O'Quinn for "Lost" (2004)

AARON PAUL for "Breaking Bad" (2008)

Martin Short for "Damages" (2007)

John Slattery for "Mad Men" (2007)

Slattery performed with swagger and class every time he was on screen as Roger Sterling on Mad Men. He is one of my favorite characters on tv.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Julie Bowen for "Modern Family" (2009)

Jane Krakowski for "30 Rock" (2006)

JANE LYNCH for "Glee" (2009)

Holland Taylor for "Two and a Half Men" (2003)

Sofía Vergara for "Modern Family" (2009)

Kristen Wiig for "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

It is unfortunate that both Jane Krakowski and Kristen Wiig have to be up against Jane Lynch here. There is no argument against Wiig, but the other two were awesome as well. I especially am fond of Wiig who is often the only funny part of SNL. However, Jane Lynch created an iconic character as Sue Sylvester, the brash and bold cheerleading coach on Glee. If there was a category to have a pick be guarantee, this is the one.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Christine Baranski for "The Good Wife" (2009)

Rose Byrne for "Damages" (2007)

Sharon Gless for "Burn Notice" (2007)

Christina Hendricks for "Mad Men" (2007)

ELIZABETH MOSS for "Mad Men" (2007)

Archie Panjabi for "The Good Wife" (2009)

All I can say here is that Sharon Gless is the best actress of this entire group. She makes the most of all the limited scenes she has on Burn Notice.

Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series

"The Colbert Report" (2005)

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (1996)

"Real Time with Bill Maher" (2003)

"Saturday Night Live" (1975)

"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" (2009)