Offbeat Emails

oops!! I Elfed Myself!

2009-11-10T14:10:00.000-05:00

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Wearing clothes, She gets Expelled

2009-11-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

Get your free Zwinky. Don't know what a Zwinky is? Change yourself into a cartoon right before your very eyes. Great for Myspace, and Facebook profile pictures. Get yours here!

And this from the files of odd news on Reuters:

SAO PAULO (Reuters) - In Brazil, famed for its tiny bikinis and carefree attitude, a university student has been expelled after violent protests by students outraged at the short outfit she wore on campus.

How ironic? I didn't think they wore clothing in Brazil? This kid gets expelled for wearing a short outfit. Oh, I get it, she had the nerve to have on clothing. That's what happened. She got in trouble because she had the audacity to wear a dress. Ok, I get it.

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Elmo's Got A Gun!

2009-11-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

Some things I just can't put on the blog. So I decided to send it to you straight to your email. Feel free to share it with your friends. This video is absolutely too funny!!!

Elmo's Got A Gun and Big Bird is the target!

And while you're having fun, get a free Zwinky. Don't know what a Zwinky is? Take a picture of yourself and turn yourself into a cartoon. Great for profile pictures on MySpace, Facebook and all your social networking sites. Get it now, because its free just for being a subscriber to Funny Offbeat News!

Click here to get your free Zwinky http://www.linktrack66.com/z/1366/CD636/

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How Come...?

2009-10-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.....
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

(courtesy Dedra B.)

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....

2009-10-01T18:27:00.000-04:00

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia ,Mississippi, Florida))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

==================================== =================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

(courtesy Dedra B.)

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Summary of Life

2009-09-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is .. not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is ...having friends.

At age 17 success is ...having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is ...having money.

At age 50 success is ...having money.

At age 70 success is ...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is ...having friends.

At age 80 success is ...not piddling in your pants.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

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Can I Get Married In Heaven?

2009-09-16T21:11:00.000-04:00

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and
the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed
that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they
wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the
ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to
find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll
take me to find a Lawyer?!'

(courtesy of Ginger C.)

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Spread The Stupidity

2009-09-14T21:08:00.000-04:00

Only in NORTH America .... Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front...

Only in North America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in North America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in North America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage .

Only in NORTH America ...... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in North America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,

But darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there20mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on air planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone... We all need to smile every once in a while.

MAKE EVERYDAY BRIGHTER

THAN THE LAST !

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Useless, Interesting Information

2009-09-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.
**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

(courtesy Ginger C.)

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Incidents Reported From The South

2009-09-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

' Tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

South Carolina

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied...'That's why I was dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Kentucky

The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'Ah gotta a flat tarr.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'Wen yer truck breaks down, yer sposed ta put flares in the front and flares in the back.'

Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

(courtesy Ginger C.)

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Only A Black Wife

2009-09-08T20:56:00.001-04:00

Her sick black husband was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chitterlings! He dearly loved chitterlings more than anything else in the world. The way his wife cooked them was known through the state of Louisiana . They were known as chitterlings 'La Blackco.'

With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chitterlings from the stove top.As he reached for one of the freshly made chitterlings (he only had a couple of more hours to live), his apron wearing wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.'

Leave them alone, Willie!' she yelled. They're for the funeral!'

(courtesy Keiarra H.)

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God Enjoys A Good Laugh

2009-09-06T20:52:00.001-04:00

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an

AMEN!!

(courtesy Toni M.)

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New Senior Bumper Stickers

2009-09-06T20:37:00.010-04:00

(Courtesy Cheryl P.)

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Dark In Here

2009-08-30T05:03:00.000-04:00

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already..

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now....

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Fondling In Bed

2009-08-28T17:08:00.001-04:00

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

(courtesy Cheryl P.)

(Image courtesy of Kinzertorium)

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Watch That Doggy Door

2009-08-26T05:00:00.001-04:00

Can you imagine coming home from work to find this tiny creature napping on your couch with your dog?

Guess who came home for dinner?

It followed this beagle home, right through the doggy door.

This happened recently in Maryland. The owner came home to find the visitor had made himself right at home. This hit the 6 o'clock news big time.

Isn't this adorable?
Send this to all your friends,

especially the animal lovers,

and give them a big smile.

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Circumsized

2009-08-24T05:02:00.000-04:00

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

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Moral Of Story

2009-08-24T04:58:00.000-04:00

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and Pennies saved..

Then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot In Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a Survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and Then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed Four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the Last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did Your
Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

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The Complaining Monk

2009-08-20T17:15:00.003-04:00

Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."

Ten years later, he says, "Bed Hard."

It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," the head monk says, "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

(from Readers Digest, 6/09)

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The Cremated Husband

2009-08-17T23:11:00.000-04:00

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised
you?"

"Here it comes."

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Angel In A Box

2009-08-15T22:54:00.002-04:00

Heaven has sent you

an Angel in a box......

Heaven didn't want him, so they sent him to me.

I sure as he** don't want him, so, I'm sending him to you!

The rules are simple:

You can send him away, but you can't send him BACK!

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Male Bonding

2009-08-13T22:49:00.000-04:00

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmar
ried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f**k are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

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Cussin' In Church

2009-08-11T22:36:00.001-04:00

TOO FUNNY!!

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!

I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in our
church.

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform
him of her situation.

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that
foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

There is no damn problem, the man says.

I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money.

I see, said the pastor.....

Is this bitch giving you a hard time?

Peace and Love,
Lynne

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to
dance in the rain.

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Some People Deserve It

2009-08-10T14:13:00.001-04:00

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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Duncan and Donuts. While in the checkout line, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog. I explained that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before awakening in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, as well as IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. I told her the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I was going to try the diet again because the food is nutritionally complete so it works well. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Banned From Wal-Mart

2009-07-16T01:36:00.000-04:00

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WAL-MART. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WAL-MART:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1... June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: ?Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! ?IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

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